The Full Monty Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Full Monty script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robert Carlyle, Tom Wilkinson, and Mark Addy movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Full Monty. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

The Full Monty Script






Welcome to Sheffield...



the beating heart of Britain's

industrial North.



The jewel

in Yorkshire's crown...



is home to over

half a million people...



and thousands more flock here

daily to shop and to work.



All this is built on Sheffield's

primary industry--steel.



The city's rolling mills,

forges, and workshops...



employ some       men and

state-of-the-art machinery...



to make

the world's finest steel--



from high-tensile girders

to the stainless cutlery...



that ends up

on your dining table.



But it's not all hard work

for the people of Steel City.



They can spend the day

lounging by the pool...




one of our top soccer teams...



or browsing in the shops.



But when the sun goes down,

the fun really starts...



in the city's numerous

nightclubs and discotheques.



yes, Yorkshire  folk

know how to have a good time...



and it's good times

for the city's housing, too.




leads the way in town planning.



Victorian slums

have been cleared...



to make way

for the homes of the future.



Thanks to steel...




really is a city on the move.



DAVE: Gaz,

who's gonna buy a rusty girder?



GAZ: Come on.



NATHAN: Dad, it's stealing.



GAZ: No. It's liberating, luv.




DAVE: Gaz, hang on.



GAZ: Ten years

we worked in here, and now look.



NATHAN: What if we get caught?



GAZ: you don't get a criminal

record till you're sixteen.



-Just don't tell your mom.

-Hey, listen.



DAVE: Music.



NATHAN: yeah.



[Playing slow march]



GAZ: Bloody hell.



GAZ: What are they doing?



NATHAN: It's the factory band.

They're still going.



DAVE: About the only thing

around here that is.



Eh up, security guard's back.



[Door closing]




"Won't take a minute," he says.



"Won't take a minute." Now what?



GAZ: Shut up. I'm thinking.



NATHAN: Can't we do

normal things sometimes?



GAZ: What's up with you?

This is normal.




Oh, aye, everyday stuff, this.



I think this bugger's sinking.



GAZ: Right. Now pick it up...



and try and slide it

across other side.



That's it.



Oh, fucking hell, Nathe!



They're twenty quid each, them.



That were your bloody

maintenance, were that.



Oh, shit.



DAVE: Oh, nice one.



GAZ: Nathe.






Fuckin' hell!



DAVE: Come here, come here.



GAZ: Jesus, stay still.



Stay still, stay still.



All right.



DAVE: What's your initiative

say about this, bog eyes?



GAZ: Eh up. Someone coming.



MAN: All right?



GAZ: Ah, not so bad.



DAVE: Not so bad? Not so bad?



That's not much

of a chuffing SOS, is it?




All right, don't get a benny on.







My jeans are bloody soaking.



GAZ: Should have taken

your kit off. you shy?




Don't. Just shut it, all right?



[Gaz laughs]



DAVE: Ohh.



GAZ: Eh up, Dave.



-All right, babe.




-What do you reckon, Dave?

-Eight, maybe a nine.



GAZ: you can never tell till

you see their tits, can you?




-What's all this, then?




It's them Chippendale efforts.



GAZ: What?



NATHAN: Them dancers.

Mum were going on about it.



GAZ: Aw, you're joking.

She must be getting desperate.



DAVE: Away, Gaz.



you all waiting for me, then?



WOMAN: yeah, to go home.



GAZ: you know where to find me

when you're tired of them poofs.



DAVE: Gaz, I'm freezing.



GAZ: "Women only"?

Cheeky buggers.



It's a bloody

working men's club.



I mean,

look at the state of that.



I don't know

what you've got to smile about.



I mean, he's got no willy

for starters, has he?



There's nowt in the gym

that'll help you there, mate.



No decent woman would be

seen dead in there.



Jean would.



Oh, Dave, what's going on?



It's her money, isn't it?



Fucking hell.

you gonna just stand there...



while some poof's waving

his tackle at your missis?



Where's your pride, man?

She's already got you hoovering.



I saw it, and I let it go.

But this, no, no, no.



you get her out of there

and tell her what for.




He can't. It's women only.



DAVE: Just hurry up, will you?

Me feet have gone numb.



GAZ: That's gratitude for you.



We're riding into "Alley

of Death" for you, you fat git.



DAVE: It's not my fault

I can't fit through, is it?



GAZ: All right, then.



I'll be waiting here,

keeping guard.



you tell Auntie Jean Uncle Dave

wants a word outside, all right?



-Do I have to?

-Good kid. On you go.



[Music playing]







Off! Off! Off! Off!



JEAN: Ooh, I'm not waiting

in that bloody queue.



SHARON: I've always wanted

a nosey in the men's toilet.



BEE: Phoor, them bloody muscles.



JEAN: No, no,

it's not their bodies, Bee.



It's what they do with them

that counts.



SHARON: I don't know

what you're worrying about...



you-know-who on your tail.




Frankie, do you want my body?




Hey, Frank don't fancy me...



and I don't fancy Frank,

so bloody well give over.



Do you think he might, though?



No, couldn't do that to Dave.



Not even if I wanted to.



But it's like he's given up.



Work, me, everything.



Ah, luv.



Here, luv, this'll cheer you up.






[Women laughing]



BEE: I weren't

in Girl Scouts for nothing.



DAVE: Gaz.




That were our Jean, weren't it?



GAZ: No, no.

Just a couple of old tarts.



Going back in for Nathe.



[Donna Summer's

"Hot Stuff" plays]



GAZ: you're in big trouble.



NATHAN: What about Auntie Jean?



GAZ: Auntie Jean's busy.



NATHAN: I don't feel well.



GAZ: Of course you don't.

you've got an hangover.



Take a day off.

Hang about at home.



NATHAN: your house is messy.

It's cold and all.



GAZ: Then come down Jobclub.

That'll be a right laugh.




Mum's house is always warm.



GAZ: I can't always have

the red carpet out for you.




it's not your mum's house.



It's what's-his-name--Barry's.



Tell you what.



Next weekend,

I'll have a big tidy around.



I promise.

Even go and see a footie game.



NATHAN: yeah?



GAZ: yeah. Sunday League

going down the park...



has got some right good players.



NATHAN: United playing Man U,

aren't they?



GAZ: Oh, Nathe, you know

I can't stretch to that.



NATHAN: you're always

making me do stupid stuff.



Other dads don't do that.



GAZ: Don't they? Aye.






GAZ: Hey, Nathe.



We could try

and sneak into Man U.



Terry were telling us

about this gap in fence.






GAZ: All right.

I'll get tickets. I will.



Ooh, ah, Cantona,

has to wear a girlie bra.



Stuff 'em, Nathe.






MANAGER: I want your

application letters finished...



by the time I get back, right?



Any problems, I'm outside.



GAZ: I tell you, when women

start pissing like us...



that's it.



We're finished, Dave.






DAVE: yeah, I mean, how?



you know?




Genetic mutations, isn't it?



They're turning into us.



GAZ: A few years,

and men won't exist...



except in a zoo or something.



We're not needed no more,

are we?



Obsolete. Dinosaurs.



yesterday's news.



Like skateboards.



GERALD: Button it. Some of us

are trying to get a job.



Hey, it says no smoking in here.



GAZ: Oh, and it says

Jobclub up there...



and when were the last time

you saw one of them walk in?



you forget, Gerald,

you're not our foreman anymore.



you're just like

the rest of us--scrap.



Shut it, right?



DAVE: Hang on, then.



Why were all them women

in working men's club?



Now, then,

because of us--men.




you call them Chippendales men?



Degrading, that's what it were.



How many lasses were there,




Thousands, baying for blood.



Ten quid to watch some fucking

poof get his kit off.



DAVE: Right. Times ten quid

by a thousand, right?



And you've got...



yeah, well, a lot--a very lot.



Ten thousand quid.



-How much?

-Ten thousand quid.



Hey, now, Dave, it's worth

a thought, though, isn't it?



GERALD: Oh, aye. Could just see

Little and Large...



prancing around Sheffield

with their widgers hanging out.



Now that would be worth

ten quid.



GAZ: Don't be so bloody daft.

We were just saying--



GERALD: Widgers on parade.

Bring your own microscope.



I don't see

why the chuff not, Gerald.



Because you're fat,

and he's thin...



and you're both fucking ugly.



GAZ: Fucking bastard.



GAZ: What's all this

about sole custody?



you know what it is, Gary.



If you want joint custody,

you have to pay your share--



seven hundred quid.



I'm on dole,

in case you hadn't noticed.



Then get a job.

I'll get you a job.



At two pound fifty an hour in

black hole of fucking Calcutta?



No, thank you.



Fine. If you want to go off

and play your games, Gary...



then you do that, but Nathan's

gonna have two parents.



GAZ: your bloody live-in lover's

gonna do that, is he?




Here he is. Evening, Barry.



That'll be for court to decide.



No, it won't.

Nathan's yours and he's mine...



and he's fuck all

to do with him !




As if you've ever given a toss.



MANDY: Face it, Gary.



He don't even like

staying at your house.



Of course he bloody does.

Ask him.



Ask him.




we have a laugh, don't we, kid?



Gary, don't.



GAZ: Is he in? Is he in?!






Well, he can't hear you through

your triple bloody glazing.



MANDY: He can hear, all right.



This is all wrong, this is.



It's all to fucking cock.



I'm his dad,

and you, you're nobody.



Yorkshire: Good night, Gary.



GAZ: Night, Nathe.



See you, kid.



DAVE: No, not doing it.

I'm not stripping.




Dave, they're taking him away.



All I need

is seven hundred quid.



DAVE: Gaz, no.



GAZ: Dave, he's me kid.



I suppose there's nicking cars.




-Well, then?



DAVE: Look, I'll help.

I'm running now, aren't l?



But I'm taking nowt off, final.




Come on, Dave. Don't stop now.



Keep up, you fat bastard.



DAVE: Gazza, you tosser.



[Ignition on car

tries to turn over]



DAVE: you need a hand?



yeah, it's your HT leads,

I reckon.



Give it a go at that.



[Engine starts]



DAVE: Didn't you work at

Harrisons before it shut down?



yeah, thought I clocked you.



I were on't floor with Gaz,

him up the road.



How's it going, then?



you got any work?



No, there's not a lot about,

is there?



Like I say, get some new ones

when you get the chance.



No, no, my chuffing pleasure.



GAZ: Dave?



-Are you all right, kid?

-you bastard.



[Lomper coughing]



LOMPER: Hey, hey!



[Pounding on window]



you could shoot yourself.



GAZ: Where's he gonna

find a gun around here?



you want to find yourself

a big bridge, you do.



DAVE: yeah, like one of them

bungee jumps...



only without the bungee bit.



I can't stand heights, me.



DAVE: Drowning.

Now there's a way to go.



I can't swim.



GAZ: you don't have

to fucking swim, you divvy.



That's the whole point.



God, you're not very keen,

are you?






I know.



you could stand

in middle of road...



and get a mate to drive

smack into you right fast.



Haven't got any mates.



GAZ: Listen, we just saved

your fucking life...



so don't tell us

we're not your mates, all right?






DAVE: yeah. I'd run you down

soon as look at you.



Oh, cheers.






Thanks a lot.



[Gasping for breath]



-What are you doing, Mum?

-Where have you been?



LOMPER: Driving.



MOTHER: Driving where?



LOMPER: Just driving.



MOTHER: I thought you'd gone.



GAZ: Security guard in here?



No wonder

he wants to kill himself.




At least one bloke got a job...



out of this place

being shut down.



What did you tell him for,

any road? Kid's a nutter.



GAZ: He's a bugle player.



Could come in right handy.

Might need a bit of music.



He's got a car...



somewhere to practice.



Besides, good what's-its-name

for the lad--therapy.



DAVE: Oh, aye, jiggling about

in the buff, therapy.



He won't be the only one

trying to kill himself...



if you carry on

with this caper.



NATHAN: Dad, I'm hungry.



GAZ: Eh up.



[Car horn honks]



DAVE: Hey, Lomper...



where's me rice?



Try the cylinder head, tubby.



NATHAN: I don't like Chinese.




Of course you do, don't you?



DAVE: Let's see his records.



GAZ: What we got, then, Dave?



DAVE: "The Floral Dance."



-"Marching with Hepworth."

-Jesus Christ.



DAVE: Ah, "Hot Chocolate."

Now we're talking.



[Singing] I believe in miracles



Since you came along




you sexy thing



GAZ: Stick it on, Daverino.

I'm there.



NATHAN: Dad, don't.



GAZ: No, it's all right, Nathan.



This is right.

I've seen 'em do it.




Good evening, Sheffield--



GAZ: Dave.



All right, all right.



"you Sexy Thing."



A-one, two...



a-one, two, three, four.



[Music starts]



[Coins jingling]




I believe in miracles



Where you from?



you sexy thing



Sexy thing, you



I believe in miracles



Since you came along



you sexy thing



Where did you come from?



[Needle scratches, music stops]



GAZ: Need an audience.



you need a doctor.



GAZ: I tell you, there's

something up with that kid.



Are you sure you checked

the whole top end?



DAVE: yeah.




There's no point. He went out.



GAZ: What?



LOMPER: I seen him go.



DAVE: There's the beggar.



GAZ: Oi, Nathe!












What are you doing

out here, kid?



NATHAN: Nowt--walking home.




It's miles home. you know that.



Why did you run off like that?



you're embarrassed, aren't you?



you think your own dad's

a dickhead.



We're not doing this

for a laugh, you know.



I'm trying to get

some brass together...



so as you and me

can keep seeing each other.



They're trying to stop us,

you see.



Well, I may as well not bother,

except I'm your dad.



That counts for summat,

doesn't it?



I like you.



I love you, you bugger.



All right, kid?



-All right?




GAZ: Nutter.



[Tango music playing]



NATHAN: Well, you said dancing.



GAZ: It were a great idea, kid--



just not

the right sort of dancing.



DAVE: Gaz, hey, look here.



GAZ: Oh, my God.



Gerald, me lad, you're gonna be

famous down Jobclub.



DAVE: He's not bad

for a bastard, is he?




He's dead, that's what he is.



LOMPER: you said you wanted

a dance teacher.



DAVE: Gerald? Go get chuffed.

He'll tell every bugger.



We'll be laughed

out of Sheffield.




Well done, everybody.



LOMPER: Eh up, lads,

bandits at six o'clock.



GAZ: Ah, come in, Torvill.

Park your sequins over here.



GERALD: you've had your laugh.

Now piss off.



It's a free country.



GAZ: you were rather good.

Very nifty footwork.



LINDA: Gerald. Oh, hello.

We're missing the rumba.



GERALD: Sorry, luv. I was

just having a bit of a chat...



with some pals of mine

from work.






Not thinking

of joining our class?




Funny you should mention it.



GERALD: I think we'd better be

getting back now, eh?



LINDA: Well, good night.



GAZ: Get back to your rumba.

We'll see you later, Gerald.



At work.



DAVE: He's got gnomes.



GAZ: Aye, he bloody would have.



[Gerald humming]



LINDA: Things looking up?



GERALD: Do you know, luv,

I think they just might be.



LINDA: Good.

you've been working too hard.



About time you let

one of your colleagues...



do the lion's share

for a change.



I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald.



GERALD: Mustn't be late.



-It's all right if l--

-Oh, Linda--



LINDA: Don't be so mean.

Things are looking up.



you said so yourself.

you'll love skiing.






Oh, don't matter.






Hey, Gaz.



Off to the office, are we,




GERALD: As a matter of fact,

yes, I bloody am. Put that back.



Put it back!



See that?

Interview. In the bloody bag.



Mate. I know him from Harrisons.



And I could do the job

standing on me head.



And I won't have to look

at your ugly mugs ever again.



GAZ: We just need a bit of help.



GERALD: I'm sorry, pal.



There's nothing I can do

to help the likes of you.



DAVE: Just want to know

about dancing, that's all.



GERALD: Dancers

have coordination, skill...



timing, fitness, and grace.



Take a long, hard look

in the mirror.



Now, I'm busy.



Don't be late for Jobclub, lads.







Starting at sixteen thousand...



plus the pension scheme.



GERALD: It'll be a relief

to get back to work.



It's not been

an easy six months, granted.



I'm up to date with the latest

industry developments...



and I've kept meself...



busy, you know?



All the qualifications

are there, obviously, Gerald...



and we go back further

than I care to remember.






What we're asking, Gerald, is...



after such a long layoff...



do you think

you're up to the job?






-you bastard!

-Fucking hell!



MAN: Calm down, Gerry.



GAZ: Hey, Gerry, mate--



-Come here, you bastard!

-you didn't get it?



GERALD: Get out of the way!

Come here!



DAVE: Leave it!



GERALD: you bastard!

That were mine, that job!



you don't give a toss!

you're kids!



It's different for me.



I've got a standard of living,




I were on me way up!



I am on me way up!



It were me first interview

in months!



I could have got

me first month's in advance.



She'd never have known.



Now what?



She's still got

credit cards, you know.



She's out there now,

let loose on High Street...



with a fucking MasterCard!




Why can't you just tell her?



How can I tell her

after six months?



A woman who wants to go

skiing for us holidays.






Skiing, for fuck's sake!



Why did you do it?

It was my job!



It had to be my...job.




Can't you just leave me alone?



DAVE: Stuck it with Superglue.



you can't hardly see the join.




-Go on.

-Oh, yeah.



Got this in jumble,

like, to say sorry.




Wheels go round and everything.



[Wheels spin]



DAVE: It's for your gnomes,

really, not you, but...



GERALD: l, uh...



I don't know.



It's marvelous, this.



GAZ: We were thinking...



you could maybe

put it next to wishing well.



Make a bit of a....







What do you reck?



GERALD: Ta, lads, eh?



Ta very much.



GAZ: Cigarette, for fuck's sake.




Think any of them can dance?




you're not still on about...



this Chippendales malarkey,

are you?



GAZ: A Yorkshire  version.



If them buggers can,

we bloody can.



-you can't dance.

-We know, Gerald.



DAVE: Look, Gaz,

niner on its way.



GAZ: Why do you think we're

trailing you all over town?



GERALD: I don't know.

It's not my kind of dancing.



It's all arse-wiggling.



GAZ: I've got a degree

in arse-wiggling, mate.



you learn us dancing,

I'll learn you rest.



Look, Gerald,

for once, I'm dead serious.



I need your help.




What if someone spots me?



What if Linda finds out?

I've got standing, me.



GAZ: Aye, you've an overdraft

and all, mate.



[Music plays]




Je t'aime



Je t'aime



Oui, je t'aime




Quoi de plus




Oh, mon amour




Comme la vague






Je vais



Je vais, et je viens...



Contre tes reins



Je vais, et je viens



Contre tes reins...



[Music stops]



REG: I'm sorry. Sorry.



Thought I'd give it a go.



I got a bit desperate, like.

you know how it is.



I can't even take

me kit off properly, can l?



GAZ: you're all right, Reg.

There's a cup of tea.



REG: No, thanks.

I've got the kids outside.



GAZ: Bring 'em in.



REG: Nah.



This is no place for kids.



GERALD: This is crazy.



GAZ: So...



it's Mr. Horse?






GAZ: yeah, well,

just a minute, Mr. Horse.



My colleagues on the panel...



LOMPER: Ask him

why he's called "The Horse."



GAZ: you bloody ask him.



It's not 'cause

he does Grand National, is it?



GERALD: What's the point

of having a big wanger...



if you need a zimmer frame

to tout it in, eh?



He must be fifty, if he's a day.



GAZ: So, Horse, what can you do?



HORSE: Don't know, really.



Let's see. There's the...



There's the Bump...



the Stomp...



the Bus Stop.



Me break dancin' days

are probably over...



but there's always

the Funky Chicken.



-Now you're talking.

-All of them?



Oh, yeah. I think so.

It's been a while, mind.



I've got this dodgy hip,

you know?



GAZ: yeah.



Well, stick it on, Nathe.



Do your worst, pal.




One, two, three



one, two, three









All right






Gotta know how to pony



Like Boney Maroney



The mashed potato



Do the alligator









Na na-na-na na




na-na-na na-na-na









GUY: Me favorite film's

"Singing in't Rain."



They do that walking-up-wall

thing. Bloody ace, it is.



GERALD: He knows me.



He plastered our bathroom.

Get rid of him.



-Shut up. you'll be fine.

-He'll blow me cover.



-What walking-up-wall thing?

-I'll show you.



I'm Donald O'Connor, right?



That's the wall.






GUY: Ouch.



Oh, well...



it's better than that

in the film, you know.



GAZ: Ahem. So, you don't sing?






GAZ: you don't dance?






GAZ: Hope you don't think

I'm nosy, but what do you do?



Well...there is this.



[Gaz coughs]






the lunchbox has landed.



Chuffing Nora.



All right, Gerald.

Didn't see you over there.



Did his bathroom.



Hello, Guy.



GAZ: Nathe...






DAVE: I say, Jean?



JEAN: yeah?



DAVE: Ever been out

with a black bloke?



JEAN: you know I haven't, Dave.



DAVE: But...



if you were on't lookout

for a new fella, right...



if you were, just saying,

would you think about it?



What's got into you?



DAVE: No, would you, though?



JEAN: I might do, yeah.



Is that all right?



DAVE: So it's true, then.



JEAN: I've bloody had enough

of this. What's true?



DAVE: What they say

about black blokes.



They've got great bodies

and that.



JEAN: Some of them, yeah.






DAVE: Nothing.



JEAN: David, I don't care

if they're black, white...



or bloody rainbow-colored.



I'm married to you, remember?



DAVE: yeah.






JEAN: Why would I want

anyone else, eh?



Big man.



[Jean kisses]



DAVE: Jeanie...



I'm all in.



It's amazing how tiring it is

doing nowt, you know?



[Jean laughing]



GAZ: They're just messing, Dave.



DAVE: you reckon?




Of course. Just Jean, isn't it?



DAVE: Got any of them

mint chocolates, Nathe?



-Get lost. you're on a diet.

-Don't you start.



GAZ: Right,

how much you got, then?



[Dave sighs]



DAVE: Twenty-two--

twenty-seven pence.




Four ninety-nine, special offer.



We're still a fiver short.



Well, you know

what this means, Dave.




Oh, no. Come on, Gaz. Why me?




you've got an innocent face.



I've got "serial killer"

written on me forehead.



If you're not going to dance,

do something useful instead.



DAVE: What if Jean finds out?

She'll throw an eppy.



GAZ: She's miles away.



See you later. Good luck.



DAVE: Give us a pear drop, you.




They're not paid for.



[Alarm sounds]



[Alarm stops]



[Alarm sounds]







When there's nothing



But a slow glowing dream...



DAVE: Hey, what's this?



I didn't go

on the nick in ASDA...



for some chuffing

women's how-to video.



GAZ: It's "Flashdance."

She's a welder, isn't she?



DAVE: A welder?



I hope she dances

better than she welds.



Look at that.

Her mix is all to cock.



GAZ: What the fuck do you know

about welding, any road?




More than some chuffing woman.



It's like Bonfire Night.

That's too much acetylene.



Them joints won't hold fuck all.



GERALD: Dave, we're looking

for dancing, aren't we?




He's got the hump about ASDA.



LOMPER: Hey. Cop a load of that.




What a feelin'



I hear music now



GERALD: What did I tell you?

She's nifty on her pins.




you just come alive...



GERALD: That, gentlemen,

is what we are looking for.



DAVE: I can see him doing all

that twizzling about bollocks.




It's souped-up tango is that.



Teach any bugger in a week.

Even you, mate.



Even a fat bastard like me?



yeah, I know what I am,

so don't take the piss, you.



All right.



Two weeks.



LOMPER: Straight up.




What a feeling



I can have it all



Being is believing



Being is believing...



DAVE: I don't know, Gaz.



Jean reckons I should take...



that security guard job

down at ASDA.



GAZ: Jesus! Security?



you're worth

more than that, Dave.



DAVE: Jean don't think so.



I reckon there's summat going

on with her and that bloke.



GAZ: The juggling bugger?



No. No way.



DAVE: Not as if I blame her.



GAZ: you can show her, Dave.



Nobody tells them Chippendales

to go be security, do they?



Rakin' it in, they are.

Two weeks.



That's what the man said,

and he's not taking the piss.



DAVE: It's a thought.



It's more than a thought.



you think of Jean's face

when she sees you...



dancing like old fucking




Two weeks?



Just like flashy tits?



GAZ: That's what your man said.






I can weld better

than her and all.



GAZ: Ha ha!



GERALD: Stop! No! No! Stop!






GERALD: you stay still...



and you go forward, OK?




-All right, Nathan.



["Hot Stuff" plays]



GERALD: One, two, three--

No! No! No!



Jesus Christ!



All I want to do is get you

in a straight bloody line!



What do I have to do?



HORSE: It's the Arsenal

off-side trap, isn't it?



-The what?

-The Arsenal off-side trap.



Lomper here is Tony Adams,




Any bugger

looks like scoring...



we all step forward

in a line...



and wave our arms around

like a fairy.



DAVE: Well, that's easy.










And one, two, three, four, go!



ALL: yes!



GERALD: Perfect.







Well, you should have said.



GERALD: Come on. Get in quick

and wipe your boots.



Hey, put that back.

you'll break it.



DAVE: Just looking.



Bit posh, isn't it?



GAZ: Right, then.



-Are we right?

-Right for what?



GAZ: Taking us kit off.



DAVE: Thought you were

turning me into a fancy dancer.



GAZ: Listen, ladies,

we are strippers, aren't we?




What, here? Now? ln this house?



This is a good area, this is.



DAVE: Gaz, I dunno.



GAZ: lf we can't get us kit off

in front of ourselves...



what chance have we got

in front of all them lasses?



Tops off.



Come on.



DAVE: Well, no looking.

And no laughing, you bastards.



GERALD: I used to have

a proper job, me.




I ask you, what are we doing?



GAZ: And the kegs.




Horse by name, horse by nature?



HORSE: Shut it, you.



-How come you're so brown?

-No reason.



GUY: Someone's got a sun-bed.



It's Linda's,

and, no, you bloody can't.



DAVE: What am I going to do

about this?



GAZ: It's not too bad.



From the front, like.




Fat, David, is a feminist issue.



What's that supposed to mean

when it's at home?



I don't bloody know, do l?

But it is.



DAVE: I try dieting.



I do try.



Seems I spent most

of me fucking life on a diet.



The less I eat,

the fatter I get.




So stuff yourself and get thin.



GUY: Shut up, saggy tits.



This mate of Linda's had this

plastic stuff put on her...



at this posh health club.



She lost pounds.

It were like magic.



What's it called, now?



Anyway, it's like cling-film.



-I've heard of that.




I'm not a chicken drumstick,




GAZ: you wrap it around.

Reduce the fat.



GERALD: She swears by it.



[Doorbell rings]




you can't just take stuff.



MAN: Sorry, mate.



GERALD: I only owe him

a hundred and twenty quid.



MAN ON RIGHT: That's all

these'll fetch secondhand.



They're not secondhand.




They are now, mate.



DAVE: Put down and piss off.



MAN ON RIGHT: Fucking hell!




I think there's been a mistake.



We'll check with the office.



[Door closes]



Cheers, lads.



DAVE: It's not bad,

this stripping lark, is it?



["The Stripper" plays]



GERALD: Dave and Lomps,

up the wing.



One, two, three, four.



Left touchline, three, four.



Right touchline, three, four.



Off-side trap, one, two...



three, four.



Now the belt, three, four.



Now the shoes, three, four.



Now the socks, three, four.



-Hang on!

-Carry on!




[Music stops]



NATHAN: That were crap.



GERALD: Give us a chance.



Even Madonna has difficulty

getting her shoes and socks off.



-you could have had me eye out.

-I'm sorry.



LOMPER: What are you doing?

They're bloody borrowed.




We can use them for the show.



It's what them Chippendales do.



They put Velcro down the side,

and then...all is revealed.



I'll sew 'em back up after.



LOMPER: Where did you learn

to be an ace sewer then?



NATHAN: Prison.



GAZ: Cheers, Nathe.



GAZ: Come on, Al. It's me.



ALAN: Which is precisely why

it's a hundred quid up front--



half price.



If I give you the club

for nowt, you don't turn up...



go back on your word...



I'm left with an empty club

on a Friday night.



GAZ: Course we'll turn up.

I haven't got one hundred quid!



ALAN: lf you told me what

you were up to, it might help.



GAZ: I can't. It's top secret.



ALAN: Sorry, youth.



-All right, luv?

-Hi, Mum.



MANDY: What do you want?



GAZ: All right, Mand?



I'm gonna get you

all your money.



Our money. Nathan's.



Well, you know,

for definite this time.



-yeah, right. That all?





Well, no. The thing is, Mand...



you have to speculate

to accumulate in business, like.



I'm not sure I'm hearing this.



I'm gonna get you the whole lot.

I just need a tiny bit.



-you want some money?




Right. I need someone

in packing section.



Two-fifty an hour.

you can start now if you like.



you coming?



Come on, Dad.




Nathan, you can't do this, kid.



It's your savings.



NATHAN: I can.

I just need your signature.



It says in't book.



I'd like to take my money out,




GAZ: you bloody can't have it.

All right, luv. It's sorted.




It's my money. I want it.



One hundred pounds, please.



GAZ: When you're eighteen,

you can walk in...



and get it yourself, can't you?




you said you'd get it back.



GAZ: I know, but you don't want

to listen to what I say.



you said so.



I believe you.



you do?






Blimey, Nathe.




you've done it all



you've broken every code...



GERALD: Come on. Come on.



One, two. One, two.



One, two...



And three...



and four.






And twenty. And one for luck.














Blue eyes, blue eyes



How can you tell so many lies?



Come up and see me



Make me smile



I'll do what you want



Running wild



[Whistle blowing]



Ha ha!



[Whistle blows]



GUY: What?



LOMPER: Get off!



GERALD: yeah!




-Ha ha ha!



GUY: It's not straight.




Give over. It's only a poster.






GAZ: Christ all-bloody-mighty.



All right, sweethearts?



SHERYL: Gary the lad.

What you up to, shifty?



GAZ: Bit of this, bit of that,

bit of the other.



Just a bit of advertising

for some mates.



Oh, aye.



And who's gonna come and see

your mates?



We had the real thing up here

the other day, you know.



GAZ: Well, us mates are better.



Better? How's that, then?



GAZ: Well...



this lot go all the way.



-Stark naked?

-Don't they, lads?



SHERYL: The full monty? you lot?



Ha ha ha! Hellfire!



That would be worth a look.

See you there, then.



[Women laughing]



GAZ: Keep your hair on.



DAVE: No way, no, and never,

in that order, kid.



HORSE: Excuse me?



No one said anything to me

about the full monty.



But you heard 'em.



We got to give 'em something

your average stripper don't.



yeah, but me willy?

I mean to say--



LOMPER: your willy? My willy.




A laughingstock. Totally.



Well, they're coming,

aren't they?



LOMPER: With a pair of scissors.

They know it's us, you know.



GAZ: And by closing time,

every bugger in Sheffield...



is going to know it's us

whether we do it or don't.



We can either forget it,

go back to fucking Jobclub...



or do it

and just maybe get rich.



And I tell you...



folks don't laugh so loud...



when you've a grand

in your back pocket.



Now, are you in...



or are you out?



RADIO: Heavy rain is causing

all sorts of problems...



for drivers on the Pennines...



where the A  's

closed at Castletown.



So please avoid the area

if possible.



The good news

is that the outlook...



for the rest of the week

is much better...



with the storms

clearing by Friday...



to leave the weekend

warm and sunny.



Now back to the music.



Here's another disco classic

from the seventies.



It's Donna Summer

with "Hot Stuff."



[Music plays]




Sittin' here



Eatin' my heart out waitin'



Waitin' for some lover to call



Dialed about

a thousand numbers lately



Almost rang the phone

off the wall



Lookin' for some hot stuff,

baby, this evenin'



I need some hot stuff,

baby, tonight



I want some hot stuff,

baby, this evenin'



Gotta have some hot stuff



Gotta have some love tonight



I need hot stuff



I want some hot stuff






GUY: Gerald. Come on, mate.



Just an hour.



["We Are Family" playing]




There's some fit birds in there.



LOMPER: Nah, tits are too big.




yeah? Didn't know they could be.



"Anti-wrinkle cream."



Can fellas use this and all?



GERALD: Do you mind, you?



[Music stops]



DAVE: I just pray they're

a bit more understanding...



about us, that's all.



HORSE: you what?



DAVE: They're going to be

looking at us like that.



What if, next Friday...



four hundred women

turn round and say...



"He's too fat, he's too old...



"and he's a pigeon-chested

little tosser."



HORSE: They wouldn't say that.



DAVE: He's just said her tits

are too big.



That's different. We're blokes.



DAVE: yeah, and?



GERALD: I think

she's got nice tits, actually.



LOMPER: I never said owt

about her personality.



She's probably quite nice

if you get to know her.



No, and they won't say nowt

about your personality, neither.



Which is good, 'cause

you're basically a bastard.



Bollocks to your personality.



This is what

they're looking at, right?



And I tell you summat, mate...



anti-wrinkle cream

there may be...



but anti-fat-bastard cream

there is none.



GUY: Uh, lads...



DAVE: Oh, mother.



Bloody hell.



GUY: Gaz said he wanted

something flashy, you know?



Hey, it's top of the range.

Real leather-like.



DAVE: yeah, but...



you don't get much

for your money, do you?



-What day is it again?




-And when are we on?




Dress rehearsal tomorrow.






I think I'm gonna be sick.




How can I read the instructions?



There wasn't any.



No. Well,

maybe there's a part missing.



yeah, got that.

If that's what you call it.



Well, if it's all there,

how come it's not working?



What do you mean, in what sense?



It's not working in the sense

that it's not working.



No, I can't speak up.



Nothing's happening,

you know what I'm saying?



Nothing's getting bigger.



Well, this is an emergency,

is this.




What's the matter, big man?



DAVE: I'm sorry.










Love with a warm-blooded lover



Wanna bring a wild man back home



Gotta have some hot love,

baby, this evenin'



I need some hot stuff,

baby, tonight



NATHAN: you're ahead.



Oh, give us a break, will you?



GAZ: All right, kid.



Tell us straight.



We're not making the biggest

arses of ourselves...



in known universe, are we?




Dave, mate, can I have a word?



In private, like?



DAVE: yeah, suppose so.




you won't tell anyone, will you?




No. your secret's safe with me.




When I were about twelve...



our school

took us for swimming lessons.



Mixed classes.



you know--boys...



and, uh...



and girls.



Oh. It were terrible, Dave.



I were there...



standing at the side of pool

in me trunks...



with all these pretty lasses

around in bikinis.



And, well, l...



I got, uh...



Well, l...



I got a stiffy.



What did you do?



GERALD: I jumped into deep end.

I nearly fucking drowned.



But what if it happens again?



Think of that, eh?

In front of four hundred women.






you're talking to the wrong man.



GERALD: I thought you said

it were just your mum.



HORSE: It's family, isn't it?

What can you do?




Who the hellfire is that?



HORSE: Oh, no.



It's Beryl, my niece.



NATHAN: Where's Dave?



GAZ: Here, Dave.



Dave! What are you doing?



DAVE: What does it look like?



GAZ: We're on in three days.

Where the fuck are you?



DAVE: I'm here--

working, earning--that's where.



Not pissing about.



End of chat.



GAZ: Dave.



-Come on, Dave.




GAZ: All right, then.



Ooh! Very nice.



DAVE: Gaz, please, don't.



GAZ: Come on,

Mr. Security Guard, do your job.






GERALD: Horse, mate,

get out there and tell them...



there's a bit of a delay.



HORSE: They won't wait forever.



GUY: Ohh.



GAZ: Keep up, you fat bastard.



[Alarm sounding]




Don't ever call me

a fat bastard, all right?!



All right?!



GAZ: We need you, Dave.



I can't.



I just can't, all right?



HORSE: Listen...



just think of the most boring

thing you can come up with.



That should keep it

well in order.



-Like what?

-Double glazing salesmen?




Gardening. The Queen's speech.



GUY: Dire Straits' double album.

Nature programs.



GERALD: I like nature programs.



GUY: Aye, but they don't

give you a hard-on, do they?



Do they? Blimey, Gerald.



GERALD: Shut up!

It's not funny. It's medical.






He's not coming.



It's all right.

We can do without him.



["Rock and Roll Part Two"




















































GUY: Come on.






[Music stops]



WOMAN: So your daddy dances

in front of you, does he?



When he's rehearsing.



We were dancing

all right then and all.



GERALD: My feet are freezing.









GAZ: Gary Schofield.




Gerald Arthur Cooper.






Gerald Arthur Cooper.



HORSE: Barrington Mitchell.







DUTY SERGEANT: That one "R"?



HORSE: No, two.



[Baby crying]



GUY: [Whispering]

Come on, Lomps.



[Both laughing]



[Dogs barking]



GAZ: Told you.

Robbing pipes, that's all.



INSPECTOR: My friend, no bugger

robs pipes in the buff.



GAZ: We do.



Don't get your clothes dirty,

do you?



Well, don't fret, gents.



There's a right good laundry

in Wakefield Prison.






[Knock on door]



OFFICER: Security camera tapes

off the front desk.



INSPECTOR: What happened

to the security guard?









MAN: I can't believe

what I'm watching.




you're always ahead there.




you're bloody behind, more like.



GERALD: Look--Excuse me,

can I borrow this for a second?






GERALD: Shut up, will ya? Watch.




He's right. you're ahead.



GAZ: Oh, go bollocks.






LOMPER: No. Shh!

Shh. Be quiet. Come on. Shh.



LOMPER: Whoa! Whoa! Oh!



Shh. Be quiet. Me mum.



GUY: I've always wanted

to meet your mum.



LOMPER: Shh. Shh.



What do you mean

I can't bloody see him?



He's me son!

I haven't even been charged.



Ask Smiler in there. No charge.






Social Services

have requested an interview.



Have to make an appointment.




I've come to pick up my son.




Just a minute, madam.



GAZ: Listen, Mand, he's fine.

We've not been charged.



This is your great money-making




GAZ: Don't be daft.

We're trying to get your money.



MANDY: My money? Nathan's money.



-Here he is.

-Hi, Dad.



-All right, kid?

-yeah, fine. Hi, Mum.




Come on, luv. We're going now.



GAZ: Come on, Mand.



MANDY: Unemployed, maintenance

arrears of     pound...



and now you've been arrested

for indecent exposure.



Still think

you're a suitable father?



-He is trying.




-It's a bit late.

-Hang on.



MANDY: Look at yourself, Gary.

Just look at yourself.



MAN: All right, mate?



LINDA: So...



GERALD: yeah.



LINDA: And this has been

going on how long?






about six months.



LINDA: I can cope with losing

the sun-bed...



the car, the television.



I can even cope with the shame

of everyone watching this.



But six months?

Six bloody months!



And you wouldn't say to me...



to your wife.



I thought you liked them.



No, Gerald,

I've never liked them.



[Knock on door]



They've taken me sun-bed.

They've taken bloody everything.



Kept hold of your chips, though.



GERALD: House repossessed,

wife thrown me out.



Guess what?



I've just been offered that job.



GAZ: Congratulations.



-All right, kid?




-Fancy a kick about in park?




[Car doors close]



MANDY: Nathe?

Hiya. All right, luv?



you shouldn't be here.



-Says who?

-Read the lawyer's letter.



We're going swimming, Dad.

Do you want to come?



I can't, kid.



Haven't brought me trunks,

have l?



We can go get them,

can't we, Mum?



GAZ: I can't, luv.






I just...



I just can't. Sorry.



He's not allowed, is he?



MANDY: Come on, luv.



[Car doors close]



[Gaz kicks ball]



GAZ: Dave.



Oi, you deaf git.



DAVE: What do you want now?

I'm finished with it.



GAZ: We're all finished, Dave.

I'm a bloody marked man now.



DAVE: Sorry about your Nathan.

It's a bad one that.



GAZ: Ah...



It's about Lomper.



DAVE: What's that pasty-faced

chuffer want?



GAZ: His mum died two days ago.






Poor lad. I'm sorry.



you couldn't borrow us

a jacket for the funeral?




-Oh, come on, Dave.



It's not for me.

It's a funeral.



What color?







-Black, for fuck's sake.



All right, look,

I'll meet you by the doors.



-Nice one.

-Come on, then.



GAZ: you've got some time off?



DAVE: Nah. That Pick 'n' Mix

were driving me crazy.



Besides, it's a funeral.



you ready?



GAZ: Ready when you are.



[Alarm sounding]




-Ha ha ha!



[Cornet playing]



[Brass band playing]



GAZ: They bloody are, you know.



They're holding hands.



-They're never.

-Straight up.



DAVE: I never even hold hands

with ruddy ladies, me.



Maybe I should.



Well, who'd have

bloody thought it, eh?



Ah, well,

there's nowt as queer as folk.



Eh, Gaz, I said

there's nowt as queer as folk.



GAZ: Shut up, Dave. It's

supposed to be a bloody funeral.



DAVE: I'm sorry.



WOMAN: Hey, look. Who's that?



-It's that guy.

-Show us your pecs!



[Woman wolf whistles]




Let's see your knob, boy.



[Woman whistling]



WOMAN: They were together

in the paper, weren't they?



WOMAN: Have you been

actively seeking work...



over the last fortnight?



HORSE: yeah.



WOMAN: Have you done any work,

paid or unpaid...



over the last fortnight?






That's not what I've heard.




Right, come on, you lot.






One, two, three, four.



[Band playing "The Stripper"]



[Both singing "The Stripper"]



GAZ: Go get shagged.



[Horn honks]



GAZ: Oh, fuck.




Hey, Patricia the stripper.



-Bugger off.

-Where have you bloody been?



What's going on? I've had

to buy in twenty barrels.



I've heard not a word from you.



Well, I hope

they're sale or return.



you're joking.

you're bloody famous.



yeah, don't remind me.



ALAN: yeah, I've sold

two hundred odd tickets.



How many?




Well done, Gerald. All the best.



GERALD: All right, sir.




Hey! Example for you there.



-Hey, nice suit, Gerald.




GERALD: Well, l--I best be off.

you never know.



There might be a job in it

for you boys.



I'll see what I can do.



GAZ: All right, lads.






GAZ: We're on.



-We're bloody on.




We've sold two hundred tickets.



That's two grand already.




It's a bit late for that.



I mean, fresh start, you know?



GAZ: One more time, Gerald.



you got the rest of your fucking

life to wear a suit, man.



HORSE: Come on, Gerald.



GUY: Aye, go on, Gerald.



-Just once.




GERALD: That's all.



Just tonight.



GAZ: How about it, Dave?



Haven't you grown out

of all that yet?



Come on, mate.






Sorry, lads.



DAVE: Jean?



Jean, luv?



There you are.



JEAN: I should've guessed...



when you started wearing

tottie lotion.



you never put it on for me,

did you?



DAVE: Jean?



JEAN: But this...



Never had you down

for this sort of caper.



Explains a few things, at least.



No. Look,

I know it don't look good, but--



you're bloody right it don't.



All those nights

you were late back...



and stupid cow here...



thought you were out

looking for a job.



Well, no wonder.



No bloody wonder.



It's so obvious.



No. I were with Gaz. Honest.



JEAN: Oh, right!



She's one of Gaz's little tarts,

is she?



Well, that makes sense.



She'd have to be to put up

with this kind of shit.



DAVE: Hey, hey!



Just listen, will ya?!



It's nowt to do with

any fucking women, all right?






I were a stripper, right?



Me and Gaz and some fellas...



thought we could make

a bob or two...



out of taking us clothes off.






All right, all right. I know.






and Gaz...






We weren't that bad.



Only I couldn't, could l?



Why not?



DAVE: Well, look at me.






Jeanie, who wants

to see this dance?



Me, Dave.



I do.



[Loud conversations]



GAZ: Women only, you tosser.



Women only.



It's on our posters,

for fuck's sake.



No. Nobody told me.



GAZ: Ohh.



Our blokes from pub

are in there.



The bastards.



GERALD: Ah, you'll be all right,

mate, once you're onstage.



GAZ: Once I'm onstage?



What do you mean,

once I'm onstage?



I'm going nowhere near

the fucking stage.



It's suicide,

that's what it is. Suicide.



[Gerald chuckles]



[Crowd cheering

for the show to begin]



GAZ: Shit.



I'll give their money back.

Alan, announce it, please.



To four hundred horny punters?

Ask me another one, kid.



ALAN: Hey, by heck...



our old English teacher's

on front row.




We're gonna get torn to pieces.



They will

if you don't get out there.



Have you ever seen...



a zebra brought down

by a pack of wolves?




these nature programs.



Aren't they marvelous?




Oh, brilliant, aren't they?



GUY: They are, aren't they?



GERALD: Oh, pack it in.



DAVE: Not lost your bottle,

have you, Gaz?







DAVE: There were nowt on telly,

so I thought I'd give it a go.



Oh, l, uh, found this one

wandering about outside.



NATHAN: Wouldn't let me in.



GAZ: What the bloody hell

are you doing here?



your mum'll go mad.



NATHAN: She's out front.



GAZ: ls she?



Barry with her?




She wouldn't let him come.



Said it were women only.



Lads, I can't hold them

any longer.



It's now or never.



DAVE: Here we go.

We're bloody on.



Go get your jacket on.



LOMPER: Can't we leave

us G-strings on, then, Gaz?



GAZ: Perhaps you better had.



HORSE: No, we better hadn't.




Listen, if we're doing this...



then just this once,

we're doing it right.



Now come on.



ALAN: All right, come on.

Put your hands together...



and welcome

Mr. Dave Horsefall.



[Women screaming]



DAVE: OK, ladies and gents...



MAN: Get off, chubby!



DAVE: And you buggers

up the back there.



MAN: Get on with it!



All right.

yeah, we may not be young...



we may not be pretty,

we may not be right good...



but we're here...



we're live,

and for one night only...



we're going

for the full monty!






NATHAN: you can't miss it.

Not after everything.



GERALD: Come on, Gaz. Hurry up.



GAZ: I'm sorry, lads.



Good luck, eh?



[Music begins playing]






Baby, take off your coat



NATHAN: I'm gonna get really

annoyed with you in a minute.



They're cheering out there.

you did that.



Now get out there

and do your stuff.



GAZ: God! Is there anyone

I don't get bollocked by?






TOM JONES SINGING: Why don't you

take off your shoes?



Baby, take off your dress






yes, yes



MANDY: Go on, Gaz!




you can leave your hat on



you can leave your hat on



you can leave your hat on



Go over there



Turn on the light






All the lights



Come back here



Stand on the chair



Ooh, baby



That's right



[Playing to music]



Raise your arms in the air



Ooh, ooh, ooh



Now shake 'em







WOMAN: Go, Dave!




you give me reason to live



you give me reason to live



you give me reason to live



you give me reason



To live



[Woman laughing]



WOMAN: Go on!




Listen to what I say




you can leave your hat on



JEAN: Oh, my God!




you can leave your hat on, baby



Ooh hoo








you can leave your hat on




Ooh ooh ooh hoo



Ooh ooh ooh hoo hoo




you can leave your hat on




Monty! Monty!



Monty! Monty!




Tell me, baby



[Wild cheering]



Tell me, baby




you can leave your hat on




Gotta hear it again












you can leave your hat on



[Wild cheering]








you can leave






Hat on






Leave your hat on, baby




I believe in miracles



Where you from



you sexy thing?



Sexy thing, you



I believe in miracles



Since you came along



you sexy thing



Where did you come from






How did you know



I needed you?



How did you know



I needed you so badly?



How did you know



I'd give my heart gladly?






I was one of the lonely people



Now you're lying close to me



Makin' love to me



I believe in miracles



Where you from



you sexy thing?



Sexy thing, you



I believe in miracles



Since you came along



you sexy thing



Where did you come from






How did you know



I'd be the one?



Did you know



you're everything I prayed for?



Did you know?



Every night and day for?



Every day



Needing love and satisfaction



Now you're lying next to me



Givin' it to me



I believe in miracles



Where you from



you sexy thing?



Sexy thing, you



I believe in miracles



Since you came along



you sexy thing






Kiss me



you sexy thing



Touch me, baby



you sexy thing



I love the way you touch me,




you sexy thing



Ohh ho!



It's ecstasy



you sexy thing






I was one of the lonely people



Now you're lying close to me



Givin' it to me



I believe in miracles



Where you from



you sexy thing?



Sexy thing, you



I believe in miracles



Since you came along



you sexy thing






Ohh, touch me



Kiss me, darlin'



I love the way you hold me, baby






It's ecstasy






It's ecstasy



you sexy thing, you



Touch me, baby



you sexy thing, you



I love the way you kiss me,




you sexy thing, you



Oh, uh-huh, yeah



Sexy thing,

you sexy thing, you



Love the way you hold me



you sexy thing, you



Keep on lovin' me, darlin'



you sexy thing, you



Keep on lovin' me, baby



you sexy thing, you



Ohh, uh-huh-huh



Sexy thing


Special help by SergeiK