Fun With Dick And Jane Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Fun With Dick And Jane script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jane Fonda and George Segal movie
that was recently remade with Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni..  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Fun With Dick And Jane. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Fun With Dick And Jane Script





- Morning, Mr. Harper.

- Morning, Jeff.



- Hi, Ralph.

- Morning, sir.



- Dick.

- Charlie.



I've been waiting for you.



- How've you been?

- Sit down.



- Pour yourself a drink.

- Thanks, Charlie.



This business stinks, you know that?



- Well...

- It stinks!



It used to be the most exciting business

in the world. Now it stinks on ice.



- It's been a rough year.

- It stinks.



- I guess it does stink.

- It stinks on ice!



All right, on ice.



It was a great feeling to be part of the

team that tied the lace on the shoe...



...that took that giant step

for mankind.



You don't get that feeling

from building a goddamn missile.



- Now, what's all this crap?

- My plan to reorganize my department.



One small step.



One giant step for mankind.



I wouldn't say that,

but it's not a bad plan.



You know who made that step possible?

We did.



You and me.



And Bob Kane, Frank Chapman.



We put Neil and what's his name

on the bloody moon.



And then they gave us the shaft.



It stinks.



On ice.



What do you say we talk turkey?



Right, Charlie.



I was thinking more in terms

of cutting costs than personnel.



Gobble, gobble, gobble.



I was just talking turkey.






...I always thought you were the kind

of guy I didn't have to bullshit.



I'm glad to hear that.



- Can I level with you?

- Sure.



- I mean, really level?

- Charlie, you can tell me anything.



You're fired.



I must have fired    people today,

but that's the first time I did it like that.



The first time I ever said, just like,

"You're fired."



Practice makes perfect.






I shouldn't have done that.



- It's just that I'm sick of all the bullshit.

- Wait a minute.



- You're serious?

- Would I kid a pal?



No jokes, Charlie.

You're really firing me?



I don't have to tell you

what a lousy year we've had.



I haven't done a bad job.



You've done a hell of a job.

And don't let anybody tell you different.



Then why me?



My division's outperformed everybody's.






I think that's what it was.



I'm sure that's what it was.

Seniority. Yeah.



Do you mean to tell me that

when you compare the productivity...?






Do you mind if we don't go

into all that crap right now?



Frankly, I'm a little bit looped.



And I got blood on my hands.



A lot of blood.



Mr. Harper?



I'll have to get back to you.



I just want to say,

I'm very sorry you're leaving us.



Well, thank you.



Did Mr. Blanchard tell you

about the car?



- What car?

- The company car you've been using.



You may retain the use of it

for two weeks.



Isn't that thoughtful?



But we must have your company

credit cards now, please.



Goodbye, Mr. Harper.






Hey, what is this?



This is distressing.






- Hey, Jane!

- Hey, sweetie, you're home early.



I gotta talk to you.



I gotta talk to you, Mr. Harper.



The second payment's

due on the pool.



Billy, will you get your friend

out of the cement!



- I've been fired.

- Huh?



I've been fired.



Oh, baby.



What did you say?



He said he's tired.



Hey, Mr. Harper,

you were canned today.



What sign are you?



He's an Aquarius.



You poor bastard. I knew it.



What a bummer.



Mars is in direct conjunction

with Saturn.



It's a tough time for us Aquarians.



You know that bill I gave you,

for the pool, the second payment?



I'll give you until next Wednesday.






La cena is ready.



- Thank you.

- Gracias.



I can't believe that Charlie fired you.



- Charlie fired me.

- Dirty rat.



After all the years of bottom-pinching

I took from him.



Does that mean we're gonna

be poor, like the Waltons?



No, Billy, it doesn't.



What are we gonna do about the pool?



We'll get it finished first.



We won't heat it.



Not until you get another job.



How will we swim in the pool

if it's cold?



Billy is right.

What will the neighbors say...



...if they don't see steam

coming off our pool on a chilly night?



I'm making some economies

around here.



- Billy, we'll give up our ski lessons.

- God!



- No more French wines at home, sir.

- Oh, God!



And I will drop

the Book of the Month Club.



What about my drum set?



Family, everything's gonna be all right.



There's absolutely nothing

to worry about.



Take that stuff up there.



You, in the truck,

watch those plants!



That stuff goes too.

Take it easy over there.



Watch those roots on that thing.



Hey, those plants go up next too, okay?



- Stop it!

- Hello, Mrs. Harper.



That goes next.



What in God's name

do you think you're doing?



You got our notice, Mrs. Harper?



- Yes. I sent you a check.

- Bouncy, bouncy. That's naughty.



Hey, watch those plants!

Watch that stuff.



- Get it up over there.

- I'll give you another check.



Two checks bounced already,

Mrs. Harper.



Your mother carried you for nine months,

but we'll only carry you for two.



Clear that bank off.



Just because the bank made a mistake

is no reason to come and dig up my tree!



- Excuse me.

- Not yours. Ours.



We put this stuff in,

now we'll tear it out.



Watch it.



If you don't wanna lose your shirt,

don't put it on the cuff.



You're using Gestapo tactics.



That's impossible. I'm Jewish.



Hey, watch those plants over there.

Come on, watch them roots.



Right. Take all of these bushes out,

all of these trees...



...everything up there, every

rotten weed in this whole garden.



Come here. Would you please remove

this tracheotomy or whatever it's called.



This is not what we ordered,

and I told you so a month ago.



Can you believe this? I told them,

plant what we want or take it all back.



What a rip-off.



Right. Roll up the lawn.



I don't like the lawn either.

AstroTurf has more life than this stuff.



You will never work

in this neighborhood again!



- Hey, Mom, you were terrific.

- You think so, kid?



- What do you want?

- I want the plants inside.



Step one foot in this house,

I'll call the police.



I still want the plants.



Pretty grim, huh?



What are we going to tell Dad

when he comes home?






...are you gonna tell me

how bad things are...



...or are you gonna wait

for the roof to fall in?



It really isn't as bad as it looks.



Nothing is as bad as this looks.



We don't have any income

or any assets.



What do you mean,

we don't have any assets?



Other than the sun in the morning

and the moon at night.



We got this house.



We owe $       on this house, Dick.



If you died right now,

how would I pay it off?



Out of the insurance.



We don't have any.

You borrowed against it.



Right, right, right. I forgot.



This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna die tonight.



The night is young.



It's comforting to know

when things get tough...



...l'll have you standing behind me

with an ice pick.



You've been leading a secret life

for these last years.



For example, what are

"insecured municipal debentures"?



I don't know. I gambled on a few things

for us, and I lost. I'm sorry.



You gambled. You lost.

What about me?



I gambled and lost, and I didn't

even get a chance to play.



I didn't even watch.



Your interest in economics

was limited to the spending part.



I always thought of you as

a responsible aerospace executive.



Who would have known you were

the Typhoid Mary of high finance.



If I'd have consulted you,

I wouldn't have lost my job.



If you think you can do better,

take over.



It would be hard

to do it any worse.



Go ahead, be my guest.

It's all yours.



My very thought.



And my first act as director

of family economics...


            to put you on an allowance.

- On a what?



What kind of lunatic spends $      on

lunch when he's out of a job and in debt?



The kind that knows you can't

get a job if you look like a loser.



If I was Diners Club, I'd bronze your

stomach and put it in the hall of fame.



Point number two.



Your job is to get on the food stamp

program, look for work in your field...



Excuse me, why don't I get a "job" job?

Like a busboy or a waiter?



If we're not too proud

to go on welfare...



- We can't afford it.

- Can't afford it?



You earn more money on unemployment

than you could in any of those jobs.



My job is to get a "job" job.



- You're gonna get a job?

- Yes. Incredible as it may seem.



May I ask... No offense, mind you.

What do you think you're qualified to do?



Secretary of the treasury

seems to be filled.



- There must be lots of things I can do.

- You never worked a day in your life.



You can't type,

and you can't take shorthand.



I'm a college graduate.



Reasonably intelligent.

Not altogether unattractive.



Yes, but will you be happy

being a hooker?



The only jobs you consider me

qualified for are secretary and hooker.



You're not qualified to be a secretary.



What an interview.



Don't take it too hard, honey.

It's only the first time.



Take it too hard?

I start on Monday.



That's wonderful.



- The line ends after me, mister.

- Sorry.



- That's a pretty nice suit, mister.

- Thank you.



You've got some nerve

coming here dressed like that.



People in here need this money.

This ain't no damn joy ride.



Hey, you're Mr. Harper, aren't you?

Taft Aerospace.



I'm Raoul Esteban. Remember?



I was in the Taft Maintenance Division.

I used to do your office.



- Sure, Raoul. Nice to see you.

- How you doing, man?



Hey, they canned you too, huh?



It's more complicated than that.



- First time in here?

- Damn right.



Man, are you in luck.

I'm gonna take care of you.



- Mi casa, su casa. You know?

- Sure.



First thing, you're in the wrong line.



- Wrong line.

- I'm gonna lose my place here.



Information, they make you wait

in line two hours.



All they do is tell you

to fill out one of these.



I'm gonna take care of you,

no problem.



I'm going to have an operation

in a month.



You know, the operation.



And my analyst said I should

start making the adjustment.



And, well, that's why they fired me.



For wearing a most demure gray maxi

with a matching cashmere twin set.



- It's here in the letter from my analyst.

- Let me check this out.



Maybe we should pick another line,

what do you say?



Listen, man, it's no sweat.

They ain't gonna hassle you.



Look what your card says.

Aerospace executive.



Yeah, but I'm not that anymore.



In here, man, you are what you were.



You're gonna get     bucks a week.

All I get is   .



You're top guy around here.



They ain't gonna mess

with a guy like you. No problem.



Why do I have to see the supervisor?

It's all so simple.



I'm sorry.



All right. Shoot.



I've seen some fruits in my day,

but he really takes the cake, huh?



Not really.



Come on. That's the flamingest

faggot I've ever seen.



In the first place, he's a transsexual.



Not a fruit, not a fag,

not even a homosexual.



He has the mind, soul and desires

of a woman imprisoned in a man's body.



Now, what can I do for you, sir?



- Thank you.

- Oh, God.



Good night.



Do you resent it that I got a job?



Don't be silly.



You shouldn't feel threatened...



Look, I don't resent you getting a job.

I'm thrilled you got a job.



I can tell by your shouting.



I'm shouting because I've got

an interview at   in the morning...



...about food stamps,

and I'd like to get some sleep.



Or maybe, now that you've conquered

the business world, we don't need them.



I thought you were going today

to get food stamps.



Jane, you just don't get food stamps.



You don't come in off the street

and say, "I'd like food stamps"...



...and they give you some.



It happens to be a very difficult

and complicated process.



- I'm sure you can handle it, sweetie.

- I don't know.



You getting this job

may have screwed up our eligibility.



Spot, will you shut up.



It's all politics, man. You don't

have to worry about it. Come on.



Yeah. So?



A guy comes to your house...



Wait a second.

A guy comes to my house?



He wants to see

where you got to cook...



...and if you're telling the truth about

how many people you got living there.



All right.

A guy comes to my house.



First, you fill out the forms.

Tell him about the forms.



What about the forms?



Then, you get to buy vouchers,

which you take to a place that sells...



Are they putting me on?



Hey, you wanna know

how to get food stamps, right?



We're trying to explain.



What do you think,

it's dinner for two at Trader Vic's?



All right. So after the visits

and after the forms, how much do I get?



Excuse me. I'm going to explain.



Now, you gonna put down

you got just one wife and one kid?



Yeah. Any of you guys

got more than one wife?



Give him the one wife and kid.



One wife and one kid.



And you're getting

your unemployment now, right?



- How much do I get?

- You get     bucks worth a month.






Come on! Let's go!



Something I said?



No, just immigration police

coming in to check things out.



Hey, Francisco,

dos cervezas, por favor.



Okay, Poncho,

let's see your immigration card.



Don't play games. Your card.



Hey, he's an aerospace executive.

He sends people to the moon.



Yeah, and I'm Flash Gordon.

Tarjeta de imigración.



Tarjeta de imigración?

What are you, crazy?



- You got those beers?

- Buddy, you're going downtown.



I'm not your buddy,

and I don't speak Spanish.



- That's what they all say.

- Because I said cerveza and por favor?



Everybody says por favor.

How about "vaya con Dios"?



Paula, I don't have the same shoes.



Honey, they're always

sending mismatches.



- Where are the falsies?

- In the box over there on the chair.



Just stick this in your heel.

That ought to do it.



And don't worry. After all, modeling

is nothing more but organized walking.



Hey, you're on. Come on.



I'm terribly sorry.



How much is this, please?



- $    .

-    .



Miss. Miss.



How much is this dress?



It's a nightgown. I don't know

anyway, though. I'm sorry.



You don't know? What a klutz.



Who is she?



Some friend

of the fashion coordinator's.



Hello, Jane.



Oh, my God, Dick!

What have you done?



A guy named Jim Weeks

is coming to lunch.



He wants to talk to me about a job.



- Where did you get the money?

- I've got friends.



We'll tell him you're on a diet.



Why don't we tell him

you're on a diet?



This is not fun, Jane.

This is serious.



Do you really think

he'll offer you a job?



As long as he thinks I don't need one.

I know those bastards.



That's funny. That's funny.



What are you gonna do?



- Okay, what is it?

- An Eskimo peeing.



An Eskimo peeing.



Jane, it's absolutely lovely.



I just wish you could have

joined us, that's all.



Is that funny.



Could we have some coffee

in the living room?






- Shall we repair, Jim?

- I think that's a hell of an idea.



- That's very funny.

- Make yourself comfortable.



Thank you.

I love your house.



It's solid. It's a real home.

Not too much.



Thank you, Jim.



- We like it.

- Thank you.



It does tend to grow

a little confining. You know?



Oh, I do. I do. I do.



Look, Dick, I'm not going

to beat around the bush with you.



We like you.



- We like your style.

- Thank you, Jim.



- We like your mind.

- Thank you.



But we can't pay you the money

you've been getting at Taft.



Not in straight salary, that is.



Thirty thou.



That's our top.



Thirty, eh?



Gee, I don't know, Jim.



Well, if you play ball with us,

the sky is the limit.



It's attractive, Jim.

It's damn attractive.



I got several irons in the fire now,

and I'd like to think about it.



- I can think about it?

- Sure. Think about it.



I'm not trying to rush you.

I wouldn't dream of it.



I'd like to consider

the complete picture.



Sure, consider the complete picture,

but printed circuits, not rocket ships.



Collecting and storing information right

here on mother earth. That's the future.



And any man with a thought...



...about industry in    years' time...



Any man thinking about tomorrow

will say goodbye to aerospace today.



- What are you doing?

- I'm closing the shutters.



Why don't you take Mr. Weeks

to see the backyard.



- Backyard?

- Open up the door, Mrs. Harper...



... or we're gonna huff and puff and

we're gonna blow your house down.



We want the indoor plants, deadbeat.



Plants ain't free just because

they grow on trees, deadbeat.



- I know you're in there, deadbeat.

- Excuse me, Jim.



You can't buy a rubber plant

with a rubber check, Harper.



I know you're in there, deadbeat.



- What the hell's going on here?

- We've come for our plants.



I'm having a meeting.

You can't come in now.



I can't? Okay, Tippy.



Excuse me.



"Jane," she asked,

"would you care for a cognac?"



"Yes, thank you very much.

I'd like one desperately."



Watch it, lady.



Hey, lgo, could you do something

about that tree?



Yes, sir.



Afternoon, Harper.



Hello, Nesbitt.



The wind's been kicking up your yard

and blowing it into our windows.



I'm going to seed it.



You're having a garage sale?



Yeah. Odds and ends.



Déclassé, Harper.

Très déclassé.



It brings all the riffraff in the

neighborhood. You know what I mean.



Hey, man, the opera's

coming to town next Tuesday.



So what?



So    bucks a night, man. Cash.



Can you sing?



Hell, no! All you do is stand around

while they sing.



Sometimes, you carry a spear,

or hold the elephant.



It's real easy, man.



Excuse me, Nesbitt.

Private matter to discuss.



- What about unemployment?

- We don't tell them, man.



- Suppose they find out?

- How are they gonna find out?



They pay us in cash. There's no papers.

No way they're gonna find out.



You mean I'm gonna be

a welfare chiseler?



Hey, hey! A welfare chiseler is just

some bum who doesn't wanna work.



We wanna work.



Yeah, but the rules say you can't

work and collect unemployment.



You can't always go by the rules.

There are times to run heavy numbers.



"When in the course of human events..."

You know?



How about guys

like Rockefeller and Dupont?



Think they let a few crummy rules

stand in the way?



That's the whole enchilada

that made this country great, man.



- I never thought of it like that.

- You'd better start.



I ain't no deadbeat welfare chiseler,

and neither are you.



- I'm sorry.

- That's okay, man.



Cool it. Cool it. Cool it.



Cool it. That's enough.

Wait a minute.



So you didn't work last week,

Mr. Harper?



- That's right.

- That's funny.



I caught your gypsy act

the other night. Divine.



Too bad I won't see you

for three years.



No unemployment for three years.

I can't believe it.



Look on the positive side.

They could have sent you to jail.



Unemployment's the only thing we had.

What am I gonna tell Jane?



I wouldn't tell her.



- Hello, dear.

- Hi, Mom, how are you?



We're just fine, dear.

It's so nice to see you.



How thoughtful of you.

Well, your father's waiting to see you.



- Hi, Dad.

- Jane brought us some flowers, dear.



Hello, Jane.



- Would you like a cup of tea, dear?

- No, thanks, Mom.



Over here.



I discussed your phone call with your

mother yesterday, after I hung up.



"What does she want to see us about?"



- Didn't I say that, Mother?

- Yes.



Something you couldn't discuss

over the phone, you said.



- Yes. That's right, Dad. l...

- Well...



...I narrowed it down

to three possibilities:



Health, emotion or money.



Let's take health.

Is there someone ill?



No, I ruled that out myself.

I distinctly remember asking...



...about everyone's health,

and your answer was positive.



Without hesitation.



Which brings us to...






At your age, a euphemism for divorce.



Well, you never came to see us

to talk about marrying him...


            why should you come

to talk about divorcing him?



No, a divorce can be handled

in a phone call.





           's money.



You're broke. That's it, isn't it?



Who ever said Sherlock Holmes

was dead, eh, Mom?



I was right, Mother, they're broke.



Dick hasn't had a job in

over three months, Dad.



Why didn't you tell us before, dear?



We were sure he could get a job

and didn't want to worry you.



I unloaded my aerospace stock the day

they landed on the moon. I knew...



...that was the peak.

I was right.



It's a depressed industry.



Depressed and depressing.



- I was right about the stocks.

- You certainly were.






...l'll make it easier for you.



You've come here to borrow

money, haven't you?



Yes, Dad.



Well, I'd love to help you.

I really would.



But I can't. I'm just opposed to

borrowing or lending on principle.



Self-reliance. It's like a...



...religious thing to me.



Ralph Waldo Emerson.



He's like my God.



- "Need breaks iron." That's what he said.

- Well, it certainly broke us, Dad.



I told Mother that both of you have

been living far beyond your means.



Nothing, just nothing at all

set aside for a rainy day.



All right.



It's the monsoon season...



...and you're standing

outside in torn raincoats.



Come through this by yourselves...



...and you'll be dry

for the rest of your lives.



Take money from me and you'll be wet.



Soaking wet from now on. Jane...


           's the best thing

that could happen.



Especially for Dick.



I'm so happy for both of

you. Especially for Dick.



What about Billy?



When I was his age, Mr. Nostic

gave me my first paper route.



I've heard that story already.



Dad, Billy is doing homework

by candlelight.



Splendid. So did Abraham Lincoln.



How are you both doing?



Never better. Jane...



...we have sowed all of our

lives, and we're now...



...reaping the harvest. Reap!



Reap! Reap!



I seem to feel a monsoon dripping in.



It was nice to see you again, Dad.



- Bye, Mom.

- Goodbye, dear.



You tell Dick that he's a lucky man.



Not everybody gets

a real chance to be tested.



You tell him that I'm jealous.



- I'm sure he'll be really thrilled, Dad.

- Don't forget to tell him I'm jealous too.



So long.






- Mister, you got problems.

- Why do you think we're here?



I know why you're here.

You got guts. I'll give you that.



Your ad says, "If you've been

turned down elsewhere..."



It didn't say "everywhere."



- It's the first place we've been!

- Lucky us.



Hey, there are lots of places we

can go for abuse. Come on, Dick.



Sit down. Did I say I wasn't

giving you money? Did I?



- No. It's just that...

- Sit down.



Let's look at the pluses and minuses.



- There are a couple...

- We'll start with the minuses.



You two are in hock up to your eyes.



You have nothing serious for collateral.



You're behind in both mortgages, so

we're third in line behind the bank?



And your car is paid for.



But that car and a dime

would get you a cup of coffee.



That's a perfectly good late-model car

worth at least a thousand dollars.



You have some jewelry.

Might be worth a few bucks.



- The car's at least $   .

- I haven't come to the pluses.



Will you wait for me

to come to the pluses?






On the plus side, you,

Mrs. Harper...



...are actually working!

- Yes.



Getting paid bupkes, but you're

working. It's regular. And you...



You could get another

job. Who knows?



They might find a cure for cancer, right?



Will you get to the bottom line?



The bottom line is that I love people.

So I'm going to let you have...



...$      for one year at

   and a half compounded.



- A thousand dollars?

-    and a half? That's against the law.



Take it or leave it.



- We'll take it!

- We'll leave it!



- We'll leave it!

- We'll take it!



Seven, eight, nine,     .

Thank you.



This is a holdup! If nobody moves,

nobody gets hurt! Lie down!



- Hands up!

- You said nobody move!



- Shut up!

- I wouldn't offend you.



- I told you to lie down and shut up!

- Count on it!



Come on, man!



- I just borrowed this.

- Now you're loaning it.



- Borrow it from him.

- This is legally yours.



- I'm paying it back. What's the interest?

- You already signed the papers.



- Shut up!

- Can we clear this up?



- Who are you stealing this from?

- Shut up!



- What was that?

- It was me. My gun went off.



That'll bring all the heat.



- Did you get the money?

- Yeah.



- Get the broad.

- Hey, man, let's go!



- On your feet, you're coming with us.

- Hey, hold it!



- Where the hell are they?

- Out the back.



They got a woman with them!



Come on, lady, get up!



Hold it, police!



Wait, man!



- You want to go to the hospital?

- I'm all right. Jane, are you?



- I'd just like to go home.

- Well, you're free to go.



- You sure were cool under fire, ma'am.

- I'll faint at home. Thanks.






Mr. Harper? How much did you

tell them that you lost?



$     . What do you mean?



You couldn't tell them $    ?



Insurance would have paid. I would have

split the extra grand with you. Schmuck.



- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Billy, are you going outside?






- Hi, Bill.

- Hi.



Are you feeling all right?



Come in and close the door.



Lock it.



They dropped it, I fell on it, and while the

police chased them I put it in my bag.



Oh, my God!



I don't know what happened to me.

I just did it.



- There's      dollars here.

- I can't believe I did it.



- Neither can I.

- It's not funny. I've committed a crime.



And done a hell of a job at it.



Why didn't I give it back?



It never occurred

to me to give it back.



- You're sensational.

- I can't believe it. Stop it, Dick.



Would you turn on the faucet?



- I'm going to give it back.

- To who, the robbers?



The money belongs to the loan...



- They have insurance, don't they?

- Exactly.



Suppose they catch those guys.

They saw me.



They'll never catch them. Even if they

finger you, who's going to believe them?



The cops won't believe them.

They'll think they spent it all.



I can't believe we're talking like this.



Dick. We've always done

things the straight way.



Yeah, well, I'm tired of

belonging to a minority group.






- Okay, I'm going to keep it.

- Good.



- I'm going to keep it.

- That's still good.



Hey. Do you think it would be awful

if we had a little celebration?



- Something besides Hamburger Helper?

- A little red wine.



How about a little champagne?



- Love you.

- I love you.



Got the lights. We got our lights back.



I propose a toast.



- Down with candles.

- Down with imitation mayonnaise.



- Down with Hamburger Helper.

- Up the Harpers.



Here's looking at you, Spot.






- You can have some.

- Will you get that, honey?



- Sure.

- Spotty, old boy.



- Yes?

- Is this the residence of Richard Harper?



Yes, I'm Mrs. Harper.



You've applied for the

food stamp program?



That's right.



My name is Johnson. I'm the

income maintenance technician.



The what?



I've come for the inspection.



- Tonight?

- Want to see my credentials, lady?



No. No.



Please come in.



Darling, this is Mr. Johnson.

The income maintenance mechanic.






The food stamps fellow.



- Have you eaten, Mr. Johnson?

- Yes, I had a Big Mac and a small fries.



- You don't understand...

- Don't I?



- Would you like some champagne?

- And I also had a Coke.



Truth is, we ripped off a loan company,

and this is the last of our proceeds.



I see, yes.



You want to see if we have

any cooking facilities, right?



Yes. Yes, that's the first thing.



This way.



You don't have any assets

other than what's here?



That's it.



You sure messed up real good.



We sure did.



Never mind the editorials,

are we eligible or not?



- According to the rules, you're eligible.

- Thank you.



Don't thank me. It's people like you

who give this program a bad name.



Screw it up for others who need it.



I don't think that's fair.



Jane, the old rich are

always sticking it to the new rich.



The old poor have to stick

it to the nouveau poor.



- We, in this case, are the nouveau poor.

- We really need it.



No one in this house or in

this neighborhood needs it.



Really? You think we should sell

this house and move to a slum.



We should sell before the bank does.



- Which is next week.

- You can just forget it.



- We're keeping this house.

- How?



- We'll make the payments!

- With what?



You have accepted our current

problems as permanent. They are not.



This is only temporary.



You haven't told me how we'll

make the payments!



The middle class is the

backbone of this country.



We've got to survive. If we go

under, the whole country can.



And in these, our bicentennial

years, my contribution...



...isn't the destruction of

the American middle class!



I don't know what you're...

Billy, entertain our guest, please.



- We have nothing to worry about?

- Right. Nothing to worry about.



- I'll speak to the bank tomorrow.

- I spoke to them today.



He said, "You are no

longer banking with us...



...we're banking with you."

- Very funny. Leave it to me.



- We'll make the payment.

- With what?



We'll make the payment.



This is a stickup.



Stick them up.



Stick them up.



Stick them up. Stick them up.



This is a stickup! Stick

them up! Stick them up!



Stick them up.



Stick them up.



Are you kidding?



Are you crazy?



Don't come in when I have a gun in my

hand! You'll get your head blown off!



Take that ridiculous thing off your face.

I can't hear a word you're saying.



Never sneak up on a man

holding a gun. You can get killed.



- What are you doing with a gun?

- I'm...



Never mind.

I know what you're gonna do.



Yeah, well, you're right about that.



And give me the keys to the car.



- Hasn't this gone far enough?

- You're not gonna stop me.



I'm gonna get that money.



Is getting arrested gonna help us

get the money?



You don't think I can do it, do you?



I'm a washout. I'm a loser.



Not even capable of holding up

a goddamn grocery store.



Any idiot can hold up a grocery store.



Thank you.



- You're really determined to do this.

- That's right, Jane.



- That what you're gonna wear?

- Yeah.



- What do you think?

- I think you look like...



...the Easter Bunny bandit.

- I had to ask.



You might as well wear a sign

that says, "Arrest me."



Okay, what do you think I should wear?



Why don't you wear something

a little more inconspicuous, like...



...the Batman costume?



How's this?



It's fine.



Okay, baby. I'm off.



- Dick?

- Yeah?



Don't you think we've

forgotten something?



The iron. Right.



Dick, don't you think that gun

is gonna attract attention...



...sticking out of your belt like that?

- I'll wear a jacket. Don't worry.



I have to worry. I was a psych major.



You know what Freud said.

Criminals leave clues.



They have a compulsion to confess.



I have a compulsion to pay the mortgage.

Did Freud write about that? No.



So there. That takes care of Freud.



- Hello, Mr. Harper.

- Hello, Carol.



Jane, what is Carol doing here?



I'm going with you

to your meeting tonight.



You are not. You're staying here.

I'm going alone.



On the contrary, darling. I wouldn't want

to miss one of your business meetings.



Never know what might happen.

Don't forget to go to bed at  :  .



- Don't worry, Mrs. Harper.

- Carol, I'm taking you home.



- Sit down, Carol.

- On your feet, Carol.



- Sit down.

- Carol.



- Stay.

- Okay, stay. Both of you, all of you.



Goodnight, have a good time.






Billy, you know what the vet said about

Spot sitting so close to the television.



All right, Jane, you can come.



As long as you promise to do

exactly what I tell you.



- I promise.

- You drive.



- What happened?

- I think I ruptured myself.



You realize if that thing goes off, you'll

be going on this robbery half-cocked.



Very funny. Just drive, damn it!



How did you happen to pick Monrovia?



I wanted an area far enough

away from us. Any objections?



- Oh, no.

- I can't believe it.



- I am curious about one thing, though.

- I knew it.



How were you going to get to the scene

of the crime if I hadn't come home? Cab?



I was going to steal a car.



Dick, that I would like to see.



We'll be using what is known

as the "two-car method."



- Really?

- You park your regular car...



...steal a car for the actual robbery,

return later to pick up your regular car.






Richard, you can't steal a car.



Put a man on the moon.

I think I can steal a car.



Will you stop that whistling?



There's something wrong

with this car. It won't start.



- Why don't you kick it.

- That's right, Jane, just keep riding me.



That's a big help.



If I could just find a Hudson,

wouldn't be any problem.



- Why don't you try this car?

- What?



- Why don't you give this one a shot?

- I don't know foreign cars.



I think you can handle this one,

Dick. The keys are in it.






D is for "drive," dear.



What do you think?



It's too big, it's too bright,

it's crowded. It's ridiculous.



Why are all these people

out shopping this late?



They ought to be home in bed.



- This is it, as they say.

- Let's go home before it's too late.



- Goddamn it, Jane...

- We're not cut out for this.



...I told you I'd do this,

and I mean it.



Sweetie, we'll get the money.



It's not the money,

it's the principle of the thing.



- What principle in robbing a drugstore?

- That's right.



It's the money, that's the principle.

That's the principle of the thing.



You wouldn't understand.

Now don't interfere.



You stay right there.



I'm going in alone, and I don't

want any crap about it.



Kind of a light door.









- May I help you, sir?

- May you help me? Yeah.



Don't you worry, son.

I think I've got what you're looking for.



Now, here they are, right here.



Some of these are lubricated.



Now, this isn't lubricated,

but it's a good one.



And some of these are

contoured for better fit.



We've got them in different colors.

We've got cherry red...



...and we've got midnight blue,

and we've got the rainbow.



- I'll take them all.

- All?



Yeah, yeah.

And wrap them up.



That'll be  .  .

I wish I were as young as you are.



- You don't understand.

- What do you mean, I don't understand?



I'm not that old. There you are.



Now can we go home?



I came out here to do something,

and I'm gonna do it.



This evening could turn out to be

quite expensive, what with gas...



...and sundry items.



Ever hear of a delicatessen that

wouldn't take cash after   :  ?



Not a nickel in the register.



- You got somebody to open the register?

- That's right, Jane.



Was she very old

or just crippled and blind?



For your information,

she was quite able...



Nobody move, this is a stickup.

Nobody move.



Just hold it right there. Nobody move.



When did they start busing white

robbers into black neighborhoods?



- What happened?

- No bullets. Thanks a lot.



You had to talk me into carrying an

empty gun. I could have gotten killed.



- Please, tell me what happened.

- Nothing happened.



Except I almost got killed, thanks to you.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you.



You would have been busted

in the parking lot without me.



How can anybody do anything

with this kind of defeatist talk?



Okay. Maybe there's an orphanage

around. They usually deal in cash, we...



Just shut up, Jane.



What do you think you're doing?



Sitting in a stolen car

makes me nervous.



- I'm going with you, where it's safe.

- Get back in the car.



I said, get back in the car.



That's right. You said, "Get back

in the car," and then I said no.



I'm going in there, and you

better stay right here.



Do you have to louse everything up?

First the pantyhose, then you insisted...



You still want pantyhose?

You want pantyhose?



Will you put your pants on,

for God's sake?



Right. This is a respectable

X-rated motel.



I'm warning you.



That bitch, I could kill her.



Whatever turns you on, man.



I don't want any shit out of you,

or I'll blow your head off.



Turn around, put your hands

against the wall. The sill.



Just cool it with that gun, okay?



- Oh, Jesus!

- Oh, my God!



I forgot to go to the bank today.

Harley's gonna kill me.



- He's gonna skin my ass.

- You got something to put this in?



- There's a box on the top shelf.

- Who's Harley?



- The owner. A mean mother.

- Is he really gonna hurt you?



Dick, he's gonna hurt him.

Maybe we shouldn't.



What are you, crazy?



You stand right there.

Don't move nothing.



- I'm sorry.

- Come on, will you?






They're gonna call us

the "Bickering Bandits."



- That'll be our M.O.

- Right.



- Sure.

- Right. What?



M.O. That's modus operandi.

That's method of operation, you know.



Wait a minute.

We're not having any modus operandi.



- No modus operandi?

- No, tonight was it.



- Halloween comes but once a year.

- Oh, sure.



- Take that one.

- What? I liked it.



- That was too casual.

- What was too casual?



You gotta promise me.



- You promise me?

- Promise you?



- You promise me?

- Boy, do I promise you.



- You promise?

- Completely.






- Hi. Can I help you, sir?

- Hi.



There's something

wrong with this record.



- What's that?

- There's a gun in it. This is a holdup.



- Do exactly as I say, no one gets hurt.

- Sounds fair to me.



Just keep looking at me and smiling.

Have any Bessie Smith records?



- Bessie Smith?

- She's an old blues singer.



- Yes, sir. Yes, I believe we do, sir.

- Do you like that old jazz?



Well, I like the more modern

kind of stuff. You know, progressive...



Miles and, you know, a few people,

like Sedaka. He's good.



The lady will be leaving soon, and you'll

say, "Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones."



Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones. Okay.



- Nice smile. Go, go.

- Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones.



- Think nothing of it.

- Very nice. I liked the smile.



I'm leaving now. Say to me, "I'll get that

record for you next week, Mr. Jones."






I'll get that Bessie Jones

record for you next week, Mr. Smith.



Thank you.



Oh, yeah.  .   tax and license.



How was the food, folks?

That bad, huh?



Oh, baby. Baby.



Oh, God.



- Oh, God, Dick, I'm ruined for life.

- Oh, honey.



I wanna know the name of the

pervert who shut off my phone.



In spite of what you think, we do not

get our kicks cutting off telephones.



- I never got a bill.

- Excuse me, I'm sorry.



- Excuse my ass.

- You'll have to wait in line like...



I'm sorry, excuse me, but I'm afraid

this is what they call a stickup.



They're holding up

the telephone company!



Shoot out the computers

while you're at it.



- All right. Right on!

- God bless you. Give them a hand!



- Beautiful. Beautiful.

- All right!



He's had several offers, but because

of his investments he doesn't have to...



...rush into anything. He's looking

for a very dynamic situation...


            a company like yours, Jason.



- Are you familiar with the film business?

- Somewhat.



Hey, how about a drink? Come on.



You're welcome.



You've got to go down there.

You owe it to yourself...



- May I borrow my husband?

- Be my guest, Jane.



- Dick.

- Jane, I was making some progress.



That's the condominium king.



You're an aerospace executive,

not a...



Right now I'm feeling pretty flexible.



- Raoul.

- Oh, no, that's okay.



Go and enjoy yourself.

Let me do it, okay?



Mum's the word, eh, Raoul?



This is something else.

Did you find buried treasure?



Living off my investments, Nesbitt.



- Dick. Put her there, pal.

- Glad you could make it. Hello, Mildred.



Olé, Ricardo. We wouldn't

have missed this for the world.



- I love your small pool, Jane. It's so cozy.

- Thank you, Mildred.



- I see you landed on your feet.

- Actually, Charlie, I landed on my ass.



Then, when I fell off my ass,

I had no place to go but my feet.



- What line are you in?

- Robber.



- As in tires and erasers.

- That's a good field.



- Do you make it or sell it?

- Steal it.



Like stealing candy from a baby.

He is so modest.



- Steel. Hey, there's a solid industry.

- I thought he said rubber.



Actually, Jane's working now too,

aren't you, Jane?



- What are you doing?

- Adiós.



Investments. Investments.

She's in charge of salting it away.



- Got the guts of a bandit.

- Maybe you could help me.



I have to go to Washington next week.

But I'll give you a...



A little call when I get back.



That could be    years to life.



I'm just going to talk to a

congressional committee.



They think Charlie's been paying off

people besides them.



Larry Maguire!



- That's not Larry.

- Taquito?



Thank you.



Is it burning you, Mildred? That's

too bad. Would you like some water?



- I'll get some water.

- Tequila, please.



And now, once again,

bringing you salvation and success...



...righteousness and riches,

the Reverend Dr. Thomas Will.



You know, we've all heard the expression

"The meek shall inherit the earth."



Well, that is exactly what

they're gonna get. Dirt.



We all have to learn how to be positive.

You see, I don't want you to say "Amen."



- I want you to say "I am."

- I am.



You have to remember

that God is in you.



And in you and in you

and in you and in me.



Now, if you open up your heart

and you let God inside...



...he will make you rich.

- I am.



Let me remind you

that the cross is a plus sign.



Now, I want you all to repeat after me:

Money loves me.



- Money loves me.

- Money loves to be in my pocket.



- Money loves to be in my pocket.

- I see a whole mountain...



...of money coming towards me.



I see a mountain of money

coming towards me.



Now, I want you all to donate generously

to the ministry today. And remember...



...that every dollar you give,

God will pay back tenfold...


            some wondrous

and mysterious and exciting way.



A car, a boat, a plane, a home.



Just one other couple, Dr. Will.



Yea, I say unto you: Bring them in,

they're here to win.



- Inspirational sermon, doctor.

- Thank you, thank you.



Yes, particularly the part about

not feeling guilty about prospering.



Well, you see,

that is called "Say 'I am."'



If you want more money, you must get

an expanded idea of yourself.



You must think of yourself

as one who has more money.



We're trying, doctor.



Well, go ahead. Touch it, son.

Don't be afraid. Go on.



Go ahead, dear, touch it.



Go on. That's it, touch it some more.



You see, you must take the limit

off your financial thinking...



...and you will get more money.

Don't worry about how.



- Inspirational.

- Say "I am."



Stick them up.



Did I hear you right, sinner?

You holding me up?



I am. Hands on your head, both of you.



- Move!

- Will you get out of the way?



- God wants you out of the way!

- Guards!



Stop them, for they have sinned!



Would you mind

getting the hell off the car?



Testing. Testing.



Oh, Jesus!



- You all right?

- Yeah, I think so.



Pull over, you sinners!

They are thieves, stop them!



They have stolen all my...

The Lord's money.



- Oh, no!

- God!



If you pull over at the next light,

God will forgive you.



- He is no stool pigeon.

- Oh, my God!



God does not hold a grudge.

Remember, thou shalt not steal.



They're coming closer to us, Dick.



That is the fourth...

That's one of them commandments.



Give me back my

goddamn money, will you?



Step on it. Can't you get more

juice out of this goddamn thing?



Watch out! Jesus Christ!

You almost broke my ass, you fool.



Oh, a cop!



That is my money!



How much we get?



Not very much. It's mostly ones.



Mostly ones?

Hey, where's the other money?



What other money?



All the other money,

that's what other money.



- In the shrubbery.

- In the shrubbery?



In the pool.



In the swimming pool?



It's in the utilities,

it's in the car, in the furniture...


           's in the mortgage, in the insurance.

It's at the Diners Club.



Well, it's not worth it.

I'm not cut out for blue-collar crime.



I have a white-collar mentality.

I panic in the face of death.



Maybe we should retire.



- Are all our debts paid?

- Yes.



At least we won't starve. We've just been

accepted by the food stamp program.






- Charlie!

- Where?



Mr. Blanchard, I would like you

to tell this committee...



... if you have ever, in your position

as president of Taft, bribed anyone...



... either here or abroad, for the purpose

of consummating a business deal.



Senator, no one at Taft Aerospace,

to the best of my knowledge...



... ever bribed anybody.



Maybe that's why business is so bad.



Look at him. Listen to him shovel it.



There's never been a deal at Taft where

somebody didn't get paid off somewhere.



We have already elicited testimony

from other companies...



... involved in the same

business as yours...



... and they claim that payoffs are an

integral part of carrying on business.



Do you mean to tell me

that you are the exception?



You know, guys walk into his office

and walk out again...



...with $       cash in a briefcase.



- Two hundred thousand dollars?

- Watch him. Watch him bob and weave.



Senator. Now, we at Taft Aerospace

have always prided ourselves...



... in truth on what we produce.



- Charlie does his laundry.

- Any idea where he keeps it?



Yeah, in the safe in his office.



Fortunately, there are guards




...and I don't even have a key to

the executive washroom anymore.



Unfortunately, we've been invited

to a party at Taft next week.



Fortunately, we don't know

the first thing about safecracking.



Unfortunately, we are fast learners.



- Short retirement.

- Very.



- I felt it.

- Positive?



Of course I'm positive, honey.

It's gotta be perfect.



- I've been practicing for days.

- And you've almost got it. Come on.



You ready? Okay.



- Deft. Deft. And deft.

- Okay.



- You should tell me when I should do it.

- Whenever you're ready.



Well, it's just like old times.



- I hope you brought the old equalizer.

- Will you cut it out?



- Hi, Pete, how are you?

- Who is it?



Pete Winston. Wife, Betty.

Super Bowl, back operation.



- Really good to see you. How are you?

- Great. Just great.



You know my wife, Jane, don't you?



- I don't know if she'll remember me.

- Winston, how can you say that?



We met you and Betty at the Super Bowl

last winter. How's your back?



- How nice of you to remember.

- Is Betty here?



- She's in the back.

- I'll be glad to see her.



- She'd love to see you too.

- There you are.



- Charlie.

- What I want to know is...


            I get to kiss your wife,

or do I have to make a scene?



- Do we know this man?

- Some guy who still works at the plant.



Hi, Charlie.



I don't know what a good-looking guy

like Dick sees in you.



- I do yard work.

- You can do work in my yard anytime.



- Charlie.

- You wanna dance?



I'd love to.



- Very nice.

- What?



- I said, very nice.

- Perfect.



Charlie, no!



No? I won't take "no" for an answer.

I'll be waiting.






Come on. Dick, Charlie's gonna

come to his office at   :  .



- All right.

- We gotta hurry.



All right. Will you get out of the way?



Hey, you! Don't move.



Take that, you honky putz.



- Oh, my God!

- What?



Come on, will you?



Come on.



- These are all make-believe.

- Dick.






Does he have a closet?



I read in the book the most

popular place for safes are...



- He does indeed have a closet.

- Okay.



I love you, Jane.



- Thanks.

- Mosler, model number     .



Mosler. Okay.



There. Right there is where

you have to drill.



Dick, it's okay. You can hardly hear

the drilling out here.



Dick, somebody's coming.



In the closet.



- Is it the guard?

- I don't know. I couldn't see.



It can't be Charlie. It's only   :  .



Let me look.



I can't see anything.

Maybe he won't look in here.



- Suppose he does?

- Screw him.



I most certainly will not.



- That wasn't Charlie.

- Really.



Come on in.



Hey, everybody, come on in.



Hey, my man, what's happening?



Jane! They're never going to hear the

drill over this. I'm going back to work.



If somebody's coming, just let me know.



Jane, it's your turn.



- It's all the money in the world.

- It gives me goose flesh.



Oh, my God.



- Floor show. Floor show.

- Go on.



Get y'all gone. We talking business.



- I need more.

- Okay, just a second. Okay, okay.



It feels so good.



That's what I've been looking for.

Thank you very much.



Guys, have a good time,

enjoy yourselves. This is a party.



Okay. Get the elevator. Around through

the boardroom and to the left.






- Dick followed me up here.

- Hey, Charlie.



Dick, boy. Hi.



- Going down?

- Down, yes. Lobby, please.



Funny, we're going to the lobby too.



Well, I guess we can all ride together.



I don't feel very well.

I think we should go.



Not until you have one

little drink with Charlie.



- No, Charlie, I really think...

- Here, let me take your purse.



One little nightcap.



Nobility. Pride.



A sense of feeling that

your life amounts to something.



That's what we lost when

we lost the space program.



- Sir?

- Nobil... Nobil...



- What?

- May I have a word with you?



- Right now?

- Yes, sir.



Hey, listen. Don't go away.

I'll be right back.



Let's go.



Where? Where are we going?



- We were just gonna walk right out.

- We were. We were.



There's nothing to worry about.

Charlie wouldn't call the cops.



This money doesn't exist.

Don't you understand?



What about all these security guards?

Do they exist or don't they?



Wait a minute.

Dick, we gotta call the cops.



- Are you crazy?

- No, no, I'm not kidding.



Charlie's never gonna admit

there's a slush fund.



If he sees cops all around, he's gonna

make sure we get out of here safely.



With the money.



You're very smart, Jane.



- Have you got a dime?

- A dime?



- Yeah.

- No. You?



Find someone with change of

     dollars, for chrissake.



- Jane feeling better?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.



Dick, there's something

I've been meaning to ask you.






What's in the bag?

Your makeup?



Charlie, Charlie.



- Charlie, can I level with you?

- Sure.



- Well, I mean really level with you.

- You can tell me anything.



We just cleaned out your safe.

Every last buck.



- Did you now?

- Yeah.



I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it

straight-out like that.



But I'm just sick of all the bullshit,

you know what I mean?



How do you propose

to get out of here?



- With your help, Charlie.

- My help?



Do you see that big dude over there?



He can shoot the eye out

of a hummingbird at    paces.



Charlie, we just called the cops.



- We're gonna give ourselves up.

- This is no joke, friends.



- We're gonna make a clean breast of it.

- Don't be stupid.



You keep your mouth shut,

and I'll see that you get out of here.



With the money?



You son of a bitch.



Officers, I'm Charles Blanchard.

I'm the president of Taft Aerospace.



Maybe I can be of help.



Dear, you've just seen a demonstration

of what we in the corporate world...



...refer to as

"hardballing it with the big guys."



I enjoyed it thoroughly.



Would you be embarrassed

if I kissed you in a public place?



I'd be embarrassed if you kissed me

in a private place...



...with all these people around.



I'm afraid, officer, that you've been

a victim of a drunken prankster...



...but if you'd excuse me for one minute,

this young lady isn't feeling very well.



I'm sorry.



If I could get these two out of here,

I'd feel a lot better. Run along.



Now we can talk about that

ridiculous story about my safe.



- Jane...

- Come along, Jane. Come along.


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