Funny Face Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Funny Face script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Audrey Hepburn movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Funny Face. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Funny Face Script



Good morning, Miss Prescott.



Good morning, Miss Prescott.



Now hear this.



I simply cannot release this issue

the way it is.



In the 60 years of Quality

magazine, this hits rock bottom.



If I let this go through, I will have

failed the American woman.



No, Miss Prescott, don't say that.



The great American woman,

who stands out there naked,



waiting for me

to tell her what to wear.



It doesn't speak.



And if it won't speak to me,

it won't speak to anyone.



A magazine

must be like a human being.



If it comes into the home

it must contribute.



It just can't lie around.



A magazine must have...



..blood and brains and pizzazz.



This is just paper.



If I send paper to the American

woman, I will have let her down.



No, Miss Prescott,

you mustn't say that.



Yes. D for down.



D for dreary.



D for dull and for depressing,



dismal and deadly!



Ahh! Here it is.



Here is our theme.

Here is our answer. Pink.



I want dresses made up in this pink.



Babs, take this to Kaiser Delmont.



I want shoes and stockings

in this colour.



Laura, everything goes pink!



I want the whole issue pink.

I want the whole country pink!



Lettie, take an editorial.

"To the women of America..."



No, make it

"To the women everywhere."



Banish the black,



burn the blue,



and bury the beige.



From now on, girls...






Dovitch. I want to see you.



Girls, back to work.

Gentlemen, that will do.



The railroad

is going to paint a whole train pink



and send it on a tour.



TWA will let me know

if we can have a pink plane.



I haven't seen a woman in two weeks

in anything but pink.



- What about you?

- Me? I wouldn't be caught dead.



Dovitch, I can't wait to tell you

about my feature for the next issue.



It's my newest project.

When you hear it, you will drop.



- Now what?

- Just you listen.



Dick Avery

started working on the pictures.



He's more excited about it

than any of us.



Here it is. Clothes for the woman

who isn't interested in clothes.



Marion, give me a long look.






Steve, tip that back light down

a bit, will you? OK.



Hold it, boys.

Beethoven isn't working. Try Brahms.



Look, Marion,

I'd like to try it again.



This time,

let's see if we can't get with it.



Keep in mind

that you're a woman who thinks.



That is a piece of sculpture

by ltsabuchi.



Look at it as if you understand it.

As if it understands you. See?



No, that's not the way we look

when we're thinking of ltsabuchi.



React to it. Just... say it.



Itsabuchi, hmm?



You haven't quite got it.

Now, listen carefully.



You are in the Museum of Modern Art,




Deep, Marion. Profound, Marion.



You have come across this statue.

It says something to you



because you are intellectual,

always thinking.



What are you thinking?



I'm thinking

this is taking a long time,



and I'll never be able to

pick up Harold's laundry.



When Harold doesn't get his laundry,




If we don't get this fixed, you may

never see Harold again. Let's go.



The woman who thinks must come

to grips with fashionable attire.



A woman can be beautiful, as well

as intellectual. See facing page.



And how is the facing page?



The facing page looks

as intellectual as a snake.



Nonsense. Marion can be very deep.



Look at her. She's reading.



Marion, dear, what are you reading?



Minute Men From Mars.



Are we all gonna hang around,

or get somebody else?



- How about Lucy Brand?

- On her honeymoon.



- Betty Hayes?

- She's in jail.



Are there no models

who think as well as they look?



Marion might look better

in a different background.



We can go on location.

An intellectual hang-out.



- Somewhere with books.

- A book store.



A sinister place

in Greenwich Village. Come on, girls.



Let's hurry. We might have to pick up

Harold's laundry on the way.



There's one.



Driver, stop here.



That's sinister enough.



Melissa, help me with this lamp.

It's heavy.



I can't, Babs, I got my hands full.



It's movingly dismal. We couldn't

have done better if we'd designed it.



Marion looks smarter already.



I'm sorry. I didn't see you up there.

Are you alright?



Yes, thank you. Can I help you?

Would you like a book?



- Marion, over here.

- Who are those...?



May I help you?



Thank you.

We have everything we need.



Please tell me what this is about.



We're just going to take

a few pictures.



What sort of pictures?



- Are you the owner?

- No, Dr Post is.



I work here,

and I'm in charge in her absence.



I'm Jo Stockton. Can you help me?



How do you do? I'm Dick Avery.



What about these pictures?



We want the shop as a background



for fashion pictures

for Quality magazine.



I'm sorry. I can't let you.

Dr Post would never approve.



She doesn't approve

of fashion magazines.



It's chi-chi and an unrealistic

approach to self-impressions.



- We have trouble. She's a thinker.

- She's also a talker.



I must ask you to leave.



We throw ourselves at your mercy.



Haven't poor people like us

a right to make a living?



I asked you to leave.

That is my right.



If the rights of the individual



are not respected by the group,

the group cannot exist.



What does that mean?



"Do unto others as

you would have others do unto you."



We'll only do unto you for a moment,



and it's no more

than we would do unto ourselves.



Girls, I want these books rearranged.



They look too much alike.

They're too pat. Mix them up.



No, you mustn't mix them up.



The books on this shelf

pertain to empiricism,



and on this shelf, materialism,

and on this, psychopiscoparalysm.



Put them back. Please talk to her.

It'll take me hours.



One never talks to Maggie Prescott.

One only listens.



Here. I think we ought to use her

in the shot. Miss, come here, please.



- Me?

- You're selling a book to that girl.






Just pretend that Marion can read.



Say, listen!



Alright, Marion, let's go.



But this would be a violation

of all my principles.



It would be hypocrisy for me

to lend myself to this.



- I'm sorry, but...

- Shush.



Now, tell Marion about the books

so that we can get out of here.



This deals with epiphenomenalism,

which has to do with consciousness



as a mere accessory

of physiological processes



whose presence or absence

makes no difference...



Whatever are you doing?



Hold it!



- Good. Get her in another outfit.

- Put on the shebop.



None of you seems to realise you're

trespassing on private property.



You run around, ignorant of the fact

that I can have you put in jail.



- For the last time...

- You're getting tiresome.



What are you doing?



Let go. Let go of my arm.



I know you don't mean any harm,

but you are in everyone's way.



Now, we won't be a moment.



Let me in.



The air will do her good.

She was very pale.



Alright, hit it.



Hold it. Ready?



Good. One more, please.



Alright. Hit it.



Hold it. Ready?



Very good, Marion.

One more, please. Last one.



Alright, here we go.



Hit it.



Hold it. Ready.



OK, that's it. That ought to do.



- Quite through?

- Thank you. You've been wonderful.



We'll mention the shop

in the magazine.



Don't you dare!






Oh, no!



Hello there.



I stayed to help you

put these back.



I didn't realise we made such a mess.



Which shelf for materialism?



Just hand them to me.



Oh, no.



You should be ashamed of yourself.



We don't usually barge in that way.



I mean a man of your ability

wasting his time



photographing silly dresses

on silly women.



Most people think they're

beautiful dresses on beautiful women.



At most, a synthetic beauty.



Trees are beautiful.



Why don't you photograph trees?



I do what I do for a living.

It has to do with supply and demand.



You'd be amazed how small

the demand is for pictures of trees.



My work is pleasant,

the pay is excellent,



and I get a trip to Paris every year.



I certainly envy you that.



I'd be in Paris now

if I could afford it.



You'd have a ball.



You'd go to a party every night,

drink champagne,



swim in perfume, and a new love

affair every hour on the hour.



If I went to Paris, it would be

to go to Emile Flostre's lectures.



Who goes to Paris for lectures?



Professor Flostre

is the greatest living philosopher,



and father of empathicalism.



Oh? What's empathicalism?



The most sensible approach to

true understanding and peace of mind.



Sounds great, but what is it?



It's based on empathy.



Do you know

what the word "empathy" means?



No, I'll have to have

the beginner's course on that one.




Is it something like sympathy?



Oh, it goes beyond sympathy.




is to understand what someone feels.




is to project your imagination



so that you actually feel

what the other person is feeling.



You put yourself

in the other person's place.



Do I make myself clear?



- Why did you do that?

- Empathy.



I put myself in your place and

I felt that you wanted to be kissed.



You put yourself in the wrong place.



I have no desire to be kissed

by you, or anyone else.



Don't be silly. Everybody wants

to be kissed, even philosophers.



I'm sorry, Mr Avery, we don't stock

what you're looking for.



I'll let you out.



Don't bother. I'll throw myself out.






What do you think?



Good models.

What have you in mind?



A fantastic idea.



It staggers me

nobody's thought of it before.



I'm going to select a girl

to be the Quality Woman.



This girl will represent everything

the magazine stands for.



It's a great gimmick. Any

of these models would be alright.



She's got to be more than alright.

She's got to have pizzazz.



A collection will be designed for her

by the greatest couturier in Paris.



- Paul Duval?

- Yes, Paul Duval.



And he's going to let us photograph

the collection before the opening.



We'll scoop every other magazine.



- Staggers you, doesn't it?

- I can't believe it.



He would be barred

from all the other fashion magazines.



Nonsense. If the project comes off,

we'll all be heroes.



Wait till you see what I've got.

The girl. The Quality Woman.



Oh, Marion's...



Forget her. This is the other girl

I'm talking about.



That thing from the book shop?



Maggie, she's new.



She's fresh.



You've gone out of your mind.



One can't deny that she is unusual.

Who is she?



Don't even ask. The thought of her

makes me shudder. Dreadful girl.



If this is some sort ofjoke...



It's no joke. If we do her over

and fix her up, she'd be great.



She'd devour us all.



- Come on, Maggie.

- Well, look at her.



I think her face is perfectly funny.



The Quality Woman must have grace,

elegance and pizzazz.



This is the first time

I've seen you lack imagination.



Every girl in Quality

has grace, elegance and pizzazz.



What about a girl with character,

spirit and intelligence?



That would be novel

in a fashion magazine.



Sir, I owe you a drink.



Can you make me some enlargements?



- Yes.

- Use our darkroom.



- Let me study the possibilities.

- Now you are talking.



- I'm not promising anything.

- You don't have to.



Runs around here

like he owns the magazine.



Lettie, remember that creature

in the book shop?



Get her up here. Order books.



- A large order, so she can't refuse.

- $   worth?



Yes, $   worth if necessary.



$   to get her up here. We'll have to

drug her to get her to Paris.



Miss Prescott, please.



- Lettie, you'd better come out here.

- I've got the books she ordered.



Miss Prescott's secretary

will deal with you.



Oh, it's you. Well, come on in.



Come on.



The books are here.



Come in.



That'll be $   and    cents,

and $  .   for the taxi.



$  .  .



Drop the books.



Come on, drop the books.



- On the floor?

- Yes, drop them.



Straighten up, shoulders back.



If you girls only knew

how important posture is.



I didn't come here

to enrol in a military school.



All I want is $  .  .



The Modigliani is $  .  



and the Braque and Hieronymus Bosch

come to $  .  .



$  for the postimpressionists



and $  .   for The Egyptians -

Fourth to Seventh Dynasties



make it a total of $  .  

and there's $  .   for the taxi.



- Talks incessantly.

- The body's good.



It'll be better

when we get through with it.



- Through with what?

- She might do.



Might do what?



The bones are good.



Suppose we leave my bones alone

and give me my $  .  ?



The eyebrows up, a light powder.



I want a little rouge here.

She needs a marvellous mouth.



The hair is awful. It must come off.



Would you mind telling me

what all this is about?



We may as well get started. Babs,

get that dreadful thing off of her.



Now, wait a minute. Just a minute.



Don't! Stop!



This is my second and last encounter

with you lunatics.



You just keep your hands off me,

all of you.



I make a delivery and find myself

being pillaged and plundered.



Well, I'll have no more of it.

I don't want my hair cut.



I don't want my eyebrows up or down.

I want them where they are.



And I see no functional advantage

in a marvellous mouth.



I'm leaving now, and if anyone

makes a move to stop me



there'll be plenty of hair cut,

and it won't be mine.



Bring her back, girls, alive!



Hurry up.



Hurry. Over here.




didn't you see that light outside?



In desperation, one does not examine

one's avenue of escape.



Oh, it's you.



I'm sorry if I spoiled a print.



That's alright.

What's all the desperation about?



Those people.



They don't care about

anyone's feelings.



Pulling my clothes

and cutting my hair.



Is that girl in there?



Don't give me away.



Maybe you should give them

a chance...



There was no one here when I came in.



If you see her, hang on to her.



I'll do that.



I'm afraid it's all my fault.

I thought you'd make a good model.



This is your idea?



Yeah, I'm the one you sue.



Oh, how could I be a model?



I have no illusions about my looks.

I think my face is funny.



That's what Maggie said.



I hate to admit it,

but she's right.



What you call funny,

I call interesting.



It's too ridiculous

even to think about.



- I couldn't do it.

- Let me be the judge of that.



I wouldn't take you to Paris

if I didn't think you'd work out.



- Paris?

- Yeah. Look at it this way.




may not be as bad as you think.



If it is, you'll be in Paris.

You can see your Professor Whosis.



- Flostre?

- Yeah.



You can talk to him

and go to his lectures.



That way it won't be a total loss.



A means to an end.



Or a means to a beginning,

according to how it works out.



Now, let's see.



There we are.



- Oh, no.

- What's the matter?



How can you possibly

make a model out of that?



You can't be serious.



When I'm done, you'll look like...



What do you call beautiful?

A tree. You'll look like a tree.



Ladies, feast your eyes

on our Quality Woman.






I'm sorry about the trouble.

I didn't realise.



My dear, let me do the apologising.

I behaved abominably.



She's agreed to go to Paris.

She can hardly wait.






This is not a loss of integrity.

It is a means to an end, and...



There's no time for talking.

Tell us on the plane.



Alright, girls, we've got to

get cracking. To work and to Paris.



- Would you like a tour of Paris?

- No, we're not tourists.



Do we look like people

who gape all day?



They can't understand anyone

coming here to work.



We should all go straight to

our hotels and get some rest.



- I am exhausted.

- I know how you feel.



I'm so tired it's an effort for me

to say I'm tired.



Goodbye. I'll be in touch.



Well, how was that?



Duval! I can't hear myself think,

and I'm trying to think in French.



- Maggie!

- Ssh! I'm calling again.



I shouldn't design

a collection for you.



I am jeopardising my position

with Harper's Bazaar and Vogue,



all for a girl who does not appear.



You're too important forjeopardy.

Relax. She will be here without fail.



You said she would be here at ten

this morning. It is now past five.



- She's not at the hotel.

- Forget about her.



We've started the campaign.

There isn't time to get someone else.



Well, where is she?



Maybe at the top of the Eiffel Tower,

or the bottom of the Seine.



Maybe she's in a traffic jam.

How should I know?



I'm throwing a shindig

to christen the Quality Woman.



Leave it to Dick to find

a delicatessen in Paris.



Imported all the way

from Napa Valley, California.



Melons from Florida.



About the guest of honour.

Where is she? How does she look?



If she's here, she looks invisible.



- She didn't show?

- She did not.



These gentlemen are waiting

to do her face, hair.



Duval needs measurements.

Where is she?



I wouldn't like to swear in court,

but I have an idea.



Do keep it to yourself!



I'll have her here

tomorrow morning at ten without fail.



In the meantime, be my guests.






This must be the place.



Thank you.



Monsieur, Gigi would like to dance.



- Who's Gigi?

- I am Gigi.



Some other time. I just stopped by

to pick up the wife and kids.



All that is delicious

is not nutritious.



Avaricious, av...



I feel a hostile vibration.



That'll be me. Sorry.



Has he been that way long?



Three hours.

It is the ultimate in concentration.



Feels so good when you stop.



I have no doubt

that in less than ten years,



people everywhere will know that

only empathicalism can bring peace.



Peace through understanding

is the only real...



Well, hello. How are you?



Just fine, thank you.

How are you?



How long have you been in Paris?



This is Mr Avery.

These are my friends.



How do you do, boys?



Would you mind if I had

my own conversation with this lady?



- They don't understand English.

- You were talking English.



It's hard to explain,

but it's all part of empathicalism.



We don't have to communicate

with words.



They understand me through the way

I feel, and the tone of my voice.



- Sort of like a dog.

- Obviously, you don't understand.



Who's buying the wine?



- I am.

- I understand more than you think.



- If you're saying that the wine...

- Let me show you something.



Gentlemen, may I tell you

that you look like a mess of worms?



And that you not only look like,

but you are, a mess of worms.



I'll bet you've been here

all these years



because if you left,

you'd be picked up for vagrancy.



- Bravo.

- Your defence rests.



This isn't funny.

You don't belong here.



Neither do you,

which brings us to why I'm here.



Monsieur, you dance with Mimi?



No, thanks, I'm busy.

Didn't Gigi tell you?



That's very rude,

refusing to dance with Mimi.



Where I come from,

the man asks the girl to dance.



You must come from the Stone Age.



We think freely here. If a girl wants

to dance with a man, she asks him.



We're not inhibited by

outmoded social conventions.



I can see that.

Do you ask men to dance with you?



Isn't it time you realised



that dancing is nothing more than

a form of expression or release?



There's no need to be formal

or cute about it.



As a matter of fact, I rather feel

like expressing myself now.



And I could certainly use a release.



You certainly made friends

and influenced people.



They're empathicalists.



You talk a lot about empathy.

Ever do anything about it yourself?



I don't know what you mean.



- Why not throw some empathy my way?

- I still don't know what you mean.



How do you think I feel

when you don't show up?



I'm responsible for you.



An empathicalist should feel me

asking for unemployment insurance.



Show up where?



They've been waiting for you

at Duval's all day.



I had no idea. Nobody told me.



We've been calling you

on the telephone for hours.



I've been at the cafe all day.

I'm terribly sorry.



I don't want to sound like

the personnel department,



but you ought to get to bed early.

The camera picks up everything.



I don't want to spend my life

retouching your pictures.



When we're done, you can spend

all your time making small talk.



Small talk? I suppose you think

the neckline of a dress



makes for world-shaking conversation?



Anything you don't understand,

you call small talk.



- What do you think of Flostre?

- Don't change the subject.



- It's the same subject.

- I haven't met Flostre.



You haven't? By now

I thought you two'd be buddies.



You don't find Flostre in cafes,

except on special occasions.



Not everyone interested in

empathicalism meets him,



any more than every American

meets the President.



An invitation to Flostre's home

is a great honour,



and as hard to get

as an invitation to...



The White House.



I don't think jokes about Flostre

are funny.



No more jokes. But let's be friendly.

We have to work together.



You don't have to be friendly

to work together. Acquainted will do.



Am I supposed to

go over to Duval's now?



I said you'd be there at   :  am.



- I'll be there.

- Promise?



I said I'd be there, and I will.



- Alright.

- This is where I get off.



Wait a minute. Don't go away mad.



Can't we walk and get friendly,

or better acquainted, or something?



No, thanks. I've got to go to bed.



I don't want you spending

your life retouching my pictures.



You are mad, aren't you?



No, I'm not mad, l...



I'm hurt, and disappointed, and...



..and mad.



What are they doing?

They've been hours.



There was a lot to be done.



- They don't look happy.

- They don't look unhappy.



I can't tell. Do they look pleased?



- They don't look displeased.

- Everyone.



- The grand finale.

- I'm getting nervous.



- You should.

- Sit down.



Friends, you saw enter here a waif,

a gamin, a lowly caterpillar.



We open the cocoon but

it is not a butterfly that emerges.



- It's not?

- No, it is a bird of paradise.












- Beautiful! I don't believe it.

- Maggie, what did I tell you?



You look absolutely fabulous.

How does it feel?



It feels wonderful, but it's not me.



The hair, the dress. It's perfection.



You see how much we accomplish

when you appear?



Try to stay with us for a while.

Duval shows the collection on Friday.



The night before,

we'll introduce you to the press.



It is your opportunity.

It will be your evening.



- You will be there?

- Yes, of course.



Dick, that gives you a week

to photograph her.



I want marvellous pictures.

Give me a lot of pizzazz.



Take her, and whatever you do,

don't let her out of your sight.



Do what I tell you.

Don't worry about it.



Here, hold these balloons high

in the air, and when I say "run",



run as fast as you can

and don't let the balloons go.



Run as fast as I can

and don't let the balloons go.



Right. Now, ready?



Head up a little. You're so happy.



Alright, run!






What? Oh, why did I ever...



- What's wrong?

- I don't know which way to go.



That way.



I'm sorry, I'm nervous.

I've never done anything like this.



There's nothing to be nervous about.

You're in Paris, the Tuileries.



You've got balloons. There's

a sudden shower. You're very happy.



- Why am I so happy?

- Because I say you are.



That's all you have to know.

You're happy. Now, run!



Great. That's great.



Now, stop!






Now, today you're not happy.



- I'm hurt and...

- Right, a creature of tragedy.



Heartbroken, suffering.

You're Anna Karenina.



Shall I throw myself under the train?



We'll see. For now, just wonderful,

noble self-sacrifice.



Your lover

has just kissed you goodbye.



You may never know that kiss again,

or love again.



Marcel, put some tears in her eyes.



There are tears in her eyes.



Good. You're not only a model,

you're an actress.



Jo, give me the works.

Heartbreak, longing, tragedy.



Wet your lips.



Good. Alright. Now, la steam.



La steam!



That's great. Just like the movie.



Poor Anna Karenina.



No, not too much steam.



Cut down the steam.

That's wonderful. That's it.



Good. Now give her some flowers.

Flowers. Arms full.



Alright. More!



Alright, Jo, it's spring.

You're in love.



Now, turn around. Fabulous!



You're walking out of the opera,



Ieaving to the passionate

music of Tristan Undlsolde.



- You're very unhappy.

- What happened now?



A rendezvous at the opera.

Two seats.



He didn't show up. You're furious.



When I say go, walk down with fire

in your eyes and murder on your mind.



Wet your lips.



You're lsolde. You're a queen.

Now, go!



You're furious at Tristan.



That's great.




you're just a simple little girl.



You live on the Seine, and you're

trying to catch a fish for lunch.



Jo, fish. I want you

to look like you're fishing.



I'm trying,

but I've never fished before.



That's quite obvious. You might

just as well be flying a kite.



Don't look like such an amateur.



You're just not fishing.



I am, but it's caught on something.



Well, give it a yank.



Pretend you caught a fish.

Pull it out.






- Here's what I want you to be.

- I know. I'm a princess at a ball.



The bird is Prince Charming,

turned into a bird by a sorcerer.



But we've decided

not to let it spoil the ball



and to go on dancing

as if nothing had happened.



You've outgrown me.



Alright. Now, give him a kiss.



He's your Prince Charming, isn't he?

Well, get happy!



That's a killer.



Alright, Marcel, lights!



Jo, where are you?



Tell me when you're ready. Say "go".



I'm ready. What are you gonna do?



Never mind what I'm going to do.

Just say "go".



Alright. Go!



Holy Moses! You look fabulous!



Look, stop.






- I can't stop. Take the picture.

- Stop!



I don't want to stop. I like it.

Take the picture.



This is your wedding day,

the happiest day of your life.



Bells are ringing, flowers blooming,

angels singing.



The man you love more than anyone

is inside the church waiting for you.



What's the matter?



I just feel so dishonest

in this wedding dress.



It's not the happiest day of my life.

No one's waiting for me anywhere.



But you weren't Anna Karenina.

The bird wasn't Prince Charming.



- Please, Dick.

- I don't understand.



Yes, I know.



But, Padre, we're not here to marry.



- Such a beautiful bride.

- This is not my dress.



We're here to take pictures.



I'm sorry. Perhaps we should've

asked your permission first.



No wedding?



I'm sorry. I don't know

what's the matter with me.



Forget it and relax.

We've been working too hard.



I suppose we'll be going home soon?



That's it. You're homesick.



Well, just this last picture,

then you'll be through.



- And then what happens?

- We go home.



And then?



What do you mean?



Will I see you any more?



And how! lf you model,

I can get you bookings.



- We'd be working together every day.

- I'll model.



Good. We'll put you to work.



Stand here, please.

There's a good place. Fine.






Now, tip your head just a little bit.



Good. A little smile.






Something is wrong.



No. Why?



You're the saddest bride

I've ever seen.



You look as if you've been jilted.



This is your wedding day.



The day you've dreamt of.

You're marrying the man you love.



The man who loves you.



He's the only...



And you're...



Dick, I thought

it would never happen.



I never want to go home.

I love Paris!



I love these clothes and

the little church. And I love you.



What did you say?



I love Paris.



That's not what I heard.



My, my...!



Well, what do you know!



Armande, let me see

a breeze in the trees.



Not too much.

I don't want a cyclone.






It's thrilling!

It makes me cry for the Carolines.



The correspondent from Pakistan

has accepted.



The correspondent from Madrid

will be able to make it.



And the man from lstanbul

will be at the presentation.



Good. Now, where is Jo?



Here she is.



Thank heavens.

I thought you'd stand us up again.



- How did the wedding pictures go?

- Wonderfully.



He is a marvellous photographer.



All you do is sit there.

I make my speech to the press,



the curtains will open

and you dazzle 'em!



- Give 'em the old pizzazz.

- I'll try.



I will introduce you to them.



Be charming

and answer their questions.



- What sort of questions?

- It's remarkably simple.



I've written editorials on it

for years.



As one lady to another...



We ought to look like

one lady to another.



They'll want to know

who does your hair,



what you eat, drink,

what sheets you sleep on.



You're the authority

on how to be lovely.



What am I going to tell them?



Just listen and repeat after me.



Ah, beautiful!



These are not my clothes.



They were lent for tonight.

I'm being presented to the press.



Your picture will be

in all the newspapers?



Oh, yes.



And they'll ask me

all sorts of questions.



I think perhaps you had better stay

here with me, huh?






Don't you remember me?

Jo Stockton?



What were they saying about Flostre?



That he is speaking at the cafe

and that they are late.



Mr Avery will be by in five minutes.



Ask him to pick me up at the cafe.



Je suis... terribly sorry.



- I...

- Quite alright, mademoiselle.



You're quite welcome.



Now, mademoiselle.



I can't believe it.

I thought you'd be old.



Well, I mean, a philosopher

and professor.



It all suggests age.

I mean, maturity.



I'm afraid I've disappointed you.



No. There's no reason why someone

brilliant shouldn't be young.



I find myself

at an awkward disadvantage.



You know who I am.



But except that you are

very charming, I don't know you.



I'm so excited about meeting you,

I forgot to introduce myself.



If only you knew how anxious I am

to talk to you.



I came from New York

just to see you.



You couldn't have a more loyal

disciple of empathicalism than l.



- Than whom?

- I'm sorry. I'm Jo Stockton.



I'm enchanted,... Miss Stockton.



And since you've come such a long way

to talk with me,



by all means, let us talk.



There's so much

you can teach us.



I may go next year.



You must see Greenwich Village.

It's our Left Bank.



People there think, and do things.

Useful things.



- Do you live in Greenwich Village?

- Of course.



Then I will come. Perhaps we can do

useful things together.



I'm sure that in all America

there's no empathicalist



as charming as you.



Well, I hate to throw

a wet blanket...



Darling, guess who this is.

You'll never guess!



- Your brother?

- Professor Flostre.



- This is Dick Avery.

- Professor? I thought you'd be old.



- So did l. Aren't you surprised?

- I'm overcome.



For you, my dear,

I promise never to grow old.



- Come on, Jo.

- What's the matter?



We've got to get to Duval's.



Must you go?

I was just beginning to know you.



Couldn't I stay?

The professor wants to talk to me.



- You've heard it all before.

- Have you lost your mind?



- We'll talk about that later.

- What are you doing?



I've never been so humiliated

in all my life!



What's got into you?

Have you any idea...?



How could you be so rude?



Embarrassing me

in front of Professor Flostre!



What am I going to tell him?



You're not gonna tell him anything.

You'll never see him again.



- Not going to see him again?

- That's what I said.



Now, just a moment...



I went through all this nonsense

to meet this man.



So I could talk to him.



I worship everything he stands for.

The way he thinks.



You might as well tell me

never to eat again.



The Herald Tribune has brought

a correspondent from Sweden.



- The more the merrier.

- They are here.



Get them quiet, Duval.

I'll be back.



When a man looks at a woman

the way Flostre looks at you...



If you weren't so serious,

this would be terribly funny.



I'll check the lights,

then I make my speech.



Everybody, ready!



Flostre may be the quiz kid,



the greatest philosopher

since Aristotle.



But he's also a man.

He's more man than philosopher!



His interest in me

is anything but intellectual?



He's as interested in your intellect

as I am.



Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

my friends.



I have asked you here to meet

the woman selected to represent



the most discriminating

publication in the world, Quality.



Let's forget it

and get this over with.



Forget it?



You attack Flostre

and the things I believe in.



We're fortunate to have found out

these things now.



I'm certain

you'll not be disappointed.



She is a rare creature...

chosen from hundreds



for her appearance, her grace,

her poise,...



and her ineffable charm.



We can never

reconcile our differences.



They are too elemental.



This is no time

to discuss our differences.



Please, let's get this show on.



Yes, the show!

Our personal lives don't matter!



- Would you please sit down?

- Leave me alone!



May I present the Quality Woman!



What does that one say?



They all say the same thing.

Everyone in Paris is laughing.



- I'm not.

- This is all your fault.



I know. I said things

I shouldn't have. She got upset.



- Just a lovers' quarrel.

- A what?



- You and that girl...

- Why not?




You're in the fashion world.



We're cold, artificial

and without sentiment.



- How can you be in love?

- I'm a black sheep.



What about my collection?

Without her I cannot show it.



- The gowns were sewn on her!

- I'm facing ruin!



She'll show up.

The girl has integrity.



She's filled with virtues.

Only she's not wasting them on us.



I went to the cafe. She isn't there.



So where is she?



She's at her hotel,

but she won't take messages.



So I bribed the desk clerk into

letting me copy her phone messages.



"At   :   Dick Avery called."



"At     :   Dick Avery called."



"At   :   Professor Flostre called."



Lousy, rotten good-for-nothing!



"Having an evening of international

philosophy, poetry,



song and meditation tonight

at my salon."



"Would be delighted if you would

join us. Emile Flostre."



That's where she'll be tonight.



Not showing my collection.

I'm ruined.



I'll go to Flostre's tonight

and bring her back.



And take someone who isn't

emotionally involved. Like me.



You'll never get in.



Empathicalists have a very firm way

with hostile vibrations.



Let's turn into

a couple of friendly vibrations.



Until we get in. As they say,

if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.



- Do I look grubby enough?

- Yeah. How's the beard?



- Full of pizzazz.

- Come on.






- Florida.

- That's us. De Tallahassee.



- Come on, sugar.

- Alright, darlin'.



I don't know. I just asked.



- What's the matter?

- The song's a bundle of laughs.



She stabbed her lover

because she hated him.



Now that the poor thing is dead...



Now that he's dead, she loves him.



This kid's a little confused.



Now she's gonna get even.



She's gonna kill herself.



You can say that again.






Look up the airstay.



We're on the wrong floor.



Oh-oh, the real Barkers.



Now what's this all about?



- They are not from Tallahassee!

- They ain't even from Miami.



I've never seen these people

in Tallahassee,



and I have been in every corner

of Tallahassee.



- Is this some sort of a gag?

- I know who he is!



She's a fashion editor.

Get 'em out!



At once,

or Mr Flostre will hear about this.



Now, wait, we're spiritual singers

on a tour and...



Now the hostile vibrations

have gone...



We are ready for your show.



- Command performance!

- Come on, Mama. We're on.



Let's give 'em the old pizzazz.



Well, Mr Tallahassee, how we doin'?



Why, we's the two most friendly

vibrations you ever seen.



Hey, diddle diddle,

the cat and the fiddle.



The dish ran away with the spoon.



Do you know why

a chicken crosses the road?



No, why does a chicken

cross the road?



- To get to the second floor!

- You is a genius!



Roses are red,

the violets are blue,



the dresses is gotta be showed.

Let's get this show on the road!



Intellectual gratification

is nonexistent.



- Only you can fulfil that potential.

- This is it.



- Flostre, there you are.

- Professor, we need you.



What are you doing here?

You look ridiculous!



We've come to see Flostre. Professor,

Maggie and I need guidance.



We realise what futile lives we lead.



- When did you realise this?

- Today. At about two o'clock.



- Just after lunch.

- Professor, don't believe them.



We want to sit at your feet

and learn.



We sit at your feet,

ignorant, but so willing.



You leave his feet alone.



Professor, they want to make

a fool of you.



- Are you making a fool of him?

- Me?



You're making things difficult.

You don't own empathicalism.



It's in the public domain.



- Why don't you trust these people?

- Because I know them well.



I know what they're here for

and it is not guidance.



Don't listen to her. She is a child.



They came to see me, not you.



To get me over to Duval's

to model their collection.



- I should have known.

- You should've heard what he said.



If we'd come a few minutes later,

you'd have found out for yourself.



You've said enough, Mr Avery.



Not yet. I haven't told you

what a phoney you are.



- Get out of my house.

- I'm not ready to leave.



I think I can change your mind.






Oh! Oh, no!



Look what you've done!

Bursting in here like a hoodlum.



- I never touched him.

- Go away!



It's time you woke up

to your responsibilities.



Will you please leave?



Duval can't show his collection

without you.



You can't do this to him,

or to all the others.



Hundreds of people.



I'm not interested in your people.



- Your empathy is a little one-sided.

- Get out!






I assume you mean me, too.



On you it looks cute, sugar.



Well, you fixed everything!



If you can't lick 'em, join 'em

and if you can't join 'em, lick 'em!



- Tell Duval I'm sorry.

- Where are you going?



There's a plane to New York

at   :  pm and I'm on it.



You can't do this to me! Come back!



How dare you leave me in the street

like this! Taxi!



- Have they gone?

- They've gone.



- And you're still here?

- I'm still here.



Are you alright?






In fact, I feel wonderful.



I can't tell you how sorry I am.



I had no idea they were coming,

or what got into Dick.



My dear, you mustn't assume guilt

for something that was unavoidable.



They've gone.



We're here.

That's all that matters now.



Nice of you to say so,

but it was me...



You have the most penetrating eyes.



I can still see them

when I close mine.



- Professor?

- Call me Emile.



Would there be any value

in my contacting philosophers



in cities like

Omaha and Detroit and...



and acquainting them

with empathicalism?



Your mouth suggests to me

burgundy velvet.



Dr Post, who runs a shop I worked in,

has contacts in several universities.






Don't say another word.



- But I came here to talk.

- We'll talk.



- Later.

- Then why don't I come back later?



But I need you now.



Professor Flostre, I came to talk

with a philosopher.



You're talking like a man.



But I am a man. And you're a woman.



That's not what I came

to talk about.



My dear.



There is a magical moment

waiting for us.



- Don't come any closer.

- Why are you behaving like this?



- You come from Greenwich Village.

- I'm moving uptown. Yonkers.



But before you move...



I cannot keep them waiting.

I must make an announcement.



- What shall I say?

- Tell them it was all my fault.



Maggie, where's Dick?



You told him to go and he went.

He flies at   :  pm.



He mustn't!



I knew you would not let us down!



- You must do the collection!

- Later. I've got to get to Dick.



- We are so late already.

- I want to help.



I know how you feel,

even if you think I don't.



- I can put myself in your place.

- Maggie, that's empathy!



That's what you've been talking

about! Why didn't you say?



Get to work. I'll take care

of Dick. Leave it to me!



Lettie, what is the name

of Dick Avery's hotel?



- Le Savoyard.

- Get me the number.



- How long before we can begin?

- We're ready.



We are proud to bring you

a new collection by Paul Duval,



inspired by the Quality Woman,



chosen to represent a great American

fashion magazine, Quality.



We begin with Hors d'Oeuvre.



Hotel Savoyard?

M. DickAvery, s'il vous plait?



- Monsieur, your bill is ready.

- I know.        francs.



- Merci, monsieur. Come back soon.

- Thank you.



He doesn't answer, madame.

I will give you the desk.



Hello. MonsieurAvery?

He just left.



Well, run out and get him!

It's urgent!



Oui, madame.



I'm so sorry. It was too late.



- Did you get him?

- No. We'll get him at the airport.



- I can't find it!

- How are you spelling it?



- A-U-L-Y.

- Orly. O-R-L-Y.



- You were there!

- I'm just so nervous.



- Are you ready?

- Just about.



I'm ready.



You can board your plane now,

monsieur. Pleasant flight.






Maggie, is there any news?



They promised they'd get my message

to him before he boarded.



It's too late.



The clock must be fast.

He just hasn't got the message yet.



I'm sure he got it.

He didn't want to talk to me.



I don't blame him.

I hurt him too much.



And now, the finale

of the collection. Wedding Day.



What a beautiful bride!



Yes. Pity it isn't her wedding.






Keep away from me, you!



If you lay one finger on me,

I will call your embassy.



I want to apologise.

She wasn't worth fighting about.



- Don't tell me I did that!

- You?



You didn't even give me a headache.



She did this to me, with a statue

that cost        francs.



- She did that?

- I have    stitches in my head.



- She gave you    stitches?

- And a gashed lip.



And six stitches in my ear.



Professor, I love every broken bone

in your body!



Excuse me, Duval. Where is Jo?



She was magnificent!

You should've seen her!



- Where is she?

- I don't know, she was here...



Lettie! Have you seen Jo?



No, l...

Oh, Dick, she was just great!



Maggie, where's Jo?

Have you seen her?



She was here, but she's disappeared.



- Did she say where she was going?

- I understand now.



She put herself in your place,

so put yourself in her place.



You'll meet each other

in somebody's place.



That's it!

Maggie, you ought to be president.



I thought I was!


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