Funny Girl Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Funny Girl script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Barbra Streisand.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Funny Girl. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Funny Girl Script



Hello, gorgeous.



Miss Fanny?



- Miss Fanny?

- Down here, Emma. Third row.



I came in early to tidy up,

and the doorman said you were in.



What you doing out there?



The one place in the theatre

I've never sat.



Maybe things look different from here.



This is the day, isn't it?






Any word yet?



No. The wire just said tonight.



You nervous?



Nervous, happy, scared, excited...



I'm going to make a fresh pot

of coffee. You coming?



I think I'll just sit here

for a while, okay?



Well, I'll be in

the dressing room if you want me.



Mr. Ziegfeld wants to see you.

When you feel like it, he says.



He'll be waiting in his office.



Thanks, Em.



Did you hear that, Mrs. Strakosh?



Ziegfeld is waiting for me.



For me.



See, you were wrong, Mrs. Strakosh.



No, Fanny, darling, I'm not wrong.



For a girl, for average,

you're a pleasure.



But when people pay good money

in the theatre...



...especially the male element,

they want something extra to look at.



But if a girl isn't...



If a girl isn't what?



Don't worry, they'll look at me.



The whole world will

look at me and be stunned.



It was all right when you were

a child and made funny faces.



- Then, you were cute.

- My condolences, you're no longer cute.



Ma. Ma.



Ma! Bye.






Right off the net! Fresh fish!



Hey, wait a minute.



No, it's all right.

I'm one of the   Beautiful Girls  .



Well, the makeup helps a lot.






Sell it, sell it.



Get in there, Fanny.



Knees high. High! Way up there.






Hold it, Eddie.



Hold it!



You, with the skinny legs.



You. Yes, you, with the bloomers!






- You're fired.

- What?



You call that a replacement?

Did you owe somebody a favour?



- It seemed like a funny idea.

- Why?



- That's what I say.

- Back at  .



But listen, you're making a mistake.



I've had a lot of experience.

I've been on-stage since I was   .



Amateur contests,

Gottlieb's Southern Repertory...



...professional companies.

I doubled six parts.



I played a daughter and her father.

A   -year-old Indian.



- Listen, girlie...

- Hau.



You've got to face facts.

You don't look like the other girls.



- But...

- You got skinny legs, you stick out.



And you are out!



I want to tell you something...



- Sorry, kid.

- Give me a chance!



I do a terrific time step! Watch!






Suppose all you ever had

was onion rolls.



Suppose all you ever had

was onion rolls.



Now, all of a sudden, in walks a bagel.



So you take a look at it and say,

"What is that?"...



...until you tried it.

That's my trouble.



What's your trouble?



I'm a bagel on a plate

full of onion rolls!



Nobody recognizes me. Listen:



Come on.



Oh, sure. Let's go.






- No autographs, please.

- What? What'd she say?



You think beautiful girls'll

stay in style forever?



I should say not. Any minute now

they're gonna be out. Finished!



Then it'll be my turn!



- Mom!

- Mom!



You're no chorus girl.



You're a singer and a comic.



Yeah. With skinny legs.



So why'd you try out for the chorus?



Because that's what

you were looking for.



If you were looking for a juggler,

I'd have been one.



I just gotta get

on the stage somehow.



How come you hired me?



Because you wanted it so much.



You sure you're tough enough

for show business?



Maybe not.



- Say, can you roller skate?

- You got a sudden urge to go skating?



I'm trying a novelty number tomorrow.

If you can skate, be here at noon.



- And Keeney?

- He won't be in till night.



- By then the number'll be in the show.

- But he'll kill you. Or fire you.



Not if you're good.



Are you sure you can roller skate?



Can I roller skate?



- You said you could skate.

- I thought I could.



- Nora.

- Sandra.



- Cherry.

- Wilma.



- Ruthie.

- Polly.






Go. Get out there.



Thanks, mister, I really...



Hey, you!



- Lady, back inside.

- What are you doing?



- Stay there.

- What are you doing?



They liked you. Go back out

there, Fan. Go ahead, honey.



- You, stay back.

- It's my show!



No, you don't.



Oh, I'm sorry.



Her. On her. Over there!






Eddie, they liked it!

Did you hear that...?



- Mr. Keeney...

- Get the next act on.



What do you think I'm paying you for?

So they shouldn't like it?



You're paying me?



I don't know what you pay me,

but I bet it isn't enough.



When I get around to thinking

about you, I'll let you know.



Well, if it isn't Miss Roller Skates.



- Listen, I'm really sorry, girls.

- Oh, sure you are.



We heard the applause.



I'm sorry I loused up the number,

but I couldn't help it.



But I'm glad it was a hit.



Who do you think will see you here?

Florenz Ziegfeld?



You think the word can't spread?

I'll spread it myself.



I know a lady who knows the lady

who makes his shirts.



He's gonna hear about me.



Go ahead and laugh.

I'm telling you something.



One night, you'll be laughing

and kidding, just like that...



...and there'll be a knock.



You see? And there

he'll be: Ziegfeld!



Sorry to disappoint you,

but the name's Arnstein.



- Did you want to see someone?

- Yes.









- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, I mean, your shirt.



It's absolutely the most gorgeous

thing I've ever seen in my life.



What's it made out of?



French handkerchief linen.

It goes very limp, though.



Yeah. I can see.

Except, it's really beautiful.



All the tailcoats I've seen,

I mean...



...well, they were rented, you know...



...they all got these stiff shirts.



Well, this one's just for fun.



You've probably heard this

so often that it's boring...



...but I had to say how much

I enjoyed what you did.



It's not so boring. You'd be

surprised how boring it isn't.



You're going to be a big star, Miss...



Brice. Fanny Brice.



Fanny Brice.



I'll look for it in lights.



- What did you say your name was?

- Nick Arnstein.



- Thinking about me yet, Mr. Keeney?

- It's you. Hello, Arnstein.



I'll give you $   a week.

Take it or leave it.



- I'll take it.

- Leave it.



I'm offering   .



You're offering? Since when are you...?



In show business? I'm not.



One of your competitors

authorized me to deal for him...



...whenever I ran across a talent

I considered really unique.






...$   a week?



-   .

-   .






Well, I wasn't authorized

to go over   .



She's yours for $   a week.







$   a week?



$   a week? I'm almost a millionaire!



- Hey, who's the competitor?

- There's no competitor.



What do you mean, you were bluffing?

Like in a poker game?



- What if Keeney had stopped first?

- You'd have lost.



- I would've lost a job.

- I was willing to take a chance.



With my job?



Hey, Nicky.



- Come on.

- We're waiting. Hurry up.



I'll be with you in a minute.



Wow. Are those yours?



I'm just minding them for a friend.



Look, we're going to Delmonico's

for supper. Won't you join us?



We'd be happy to wait

while you change.



I'd have to change too much.

Nobody could wait that long.



I'd have a much better time

and a lot more laughs.






...thanks anyway...



...but I'm meeting some people

in my mother's saloon.






You want a few jokes to take with you?



I'll wait till the next time we meet,

which will be soon, I hope.






Put a little starch in the last rinse.



That way, it won't go so limp.






A little starch...


            the last rinse.



Thank you. I won't forget.



It's a telegram!



There's a telegram for Mrs. Brice!



A telegram for the Brices!

The Western Union man.



That's life for you. Somebody's dead.



Come on, telegram!



- What do you think of my new song?

- I like the old one better.



Yeah, but I'm tired of it.

I've been singing it for six months.



- So?

- So?






What's that?



- Oh, look, here's Fanny now.

- Let her mama tell her.






Who is it, Mama?



Auntie Blanche or Lou?






He died?



"Dear Miss Brice. Stop.



Please meet me

at the New Amsterdam Theatre...



...on Thursday at   :   a.m. Stop.

Florence Ziegfeld."



See? By heart, like

the Pledge Allegiance.



Mazel tov, Fanny, darling. Mazel tov.



- I knew you'd do it.

- My stomach aches.



I wonder how a mother

could call a boy Florence.



It's "Florenz."



I wonder how a mother

could call a boy Florenz.



- You think it's a job or an audition?

- A job.



You know what I think?

Somebody talked to him about me.



See, I met this guy backstage

one night with a ruffled shirt on.



Just the kind you figure

to know Ziegfeld.



I bet you he said a word.

That's what must have happened.



- Oh, my head aches.

- Nothing aches.



- You're built like a horse.

- I have nothing to wear.



What's she been walking around in

all this time? Towels?



It's coming too easy.

That's what's got me scared.



Where's all the suffering

before you click?



And the hard knocks, the setbacks

you're supposed to learn from?



This is too quick.

I haven't suffered enough yet.



The job's not yours yet. If it were,

who says you won't lose it in a week?



Cheer up. You may suffer later.



If you're as bossy with Ziegfeld

as you are with...



I am not bossy with you or anyone.



And even if I was...



...Ziegfeld isn't just anyone.



...Ziegfeld isn't just anyone.



And believe me...



...whatever he tells me to do,

that's what I'll do.



Bravo! Perfectly charming,

and I'm delighted.



John, will you get the bride music

for Miss Brice, please?



- Yes, sir.

- You mean I'm hired?



- I'm a Ziegfeld Girl?

- That's exactly what you are.



I'm a Ziegfeld Girl.



Miss Brice, you will do

"Second Hand Rose" in the first act...



...and you will sing

this new number in the finale.



Anything you say.



And just go along with Tony,

and he'll teach it to you.



John, I want to see the second act

opening right from the top.



I'll watch it from the balcony.

Turn on the rails.



Bill, will you turn on the rails

for Mr. Ziegfeld, please?



We'll do the second act opening, kids.



This way, miss.






Paul. Paul?



Mr. Ziegfeld? Mr. Ziegfeld?



Yoo-hoo, Mr. Ziegfeld?



Mr. Ziegfeld?



Georgia, you're late.



Sorry, Flo.



- Where is he?

- He's up above. Like God.



Mr. Ziegfeld?



Mr. Ziegfeld? Mr. Ziegfeld?



Yes, Miss Brice?



I don't want to be in the finale.



What was that you said?



Well, I just...



I can't sing words like:



"I am the beautiful reflection

of my love's affection." I mean...



Why not?



Well, it's embarrassing.

I'll just do my first number...



...and we'll call it a night, okay?



- No, it's not okay.

- Why not?



Miss Brice, may I remind you

that you're in my theatre?



So nobody argues with the landlord?



Wait there. I'm coming down.



Take five. Take five, everybody.



Just take...






- Is that bad, he's coming down?

- Lf you want to stay in the show.



- What's your name?

- Fanny Brice.



- Georgia James.

- Hi.



- Tell him you were wrong.

- But I'm not.



In that case,

it was nice to have met you.



Miss Brice?



What is all this?

Not two minutes ago you said:



"Anything you say, Mr. Ziegfeld."




Yes, and I'm sorry.

But if I come out opening night...



...telling the audience how beautiful

I am, I'll be back at Keeney's...



...before the curtain comes down.



I assure you that won't happen.



But I need a strong voice

in the finale.



But please take me out of it.



Miss Brice, if I take you out

of the finale...



...l'll also take you out

of the Follies.



It's just that simple.



Okay, you win.



Thank you.



You don't win fair, but you win.



John, forget the second act opening.



I want to see the bride number

with Miss Brice.



- She can walk through it.

- Right, sir.



All right,

this'll be the bride number.



Mr. Ziegfeld?



Mr. Ziegfeld!



Now what?



Listen, can I hum it?



You will sing the words

exactly as written.



And that, Miss Brice,

is the end of this discussion.



Yes, Mr. Ziegfeld.



Whatever you say, Mr. Ziegfeld.



I'm sorry.



My friend the showstopper.



- You could have told me.

- I didn't know about it...



...until I was in my dressing room,

and I saw...



I had to do something.



Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you very much.



It went beautifully.

You were all very good...



...and I am proud of you.



- Congratulations.

- Thank you.



- Wonderful, Flo.

- That finale topped everything.



- Mr. Ziegfeld, l...

- Be quiet.



The bride number was wonderful.



Yes, that was fun, wasn't it?



All right, Miss Brice.



- I'm waiting.

- I don't blame you for being mad.



But I didn't do it out of spite.

I didn't plan it.



I was just sitting here and...



"Oh, look. What do you know?"



I couldn't do it straight

like those girls.



They would have laughed.



- And they did.

- Yes, but it was my joke. You see?



They laughed with me, not at me.

Because I wanted them to laugh.



But, I mean...

You know what I mean.



No, explain it to me.



- Miss Brice can't see anyone.

- Oh, not even her mama?



- Mama...

- Darling, everybody's talking.



You were wonderful.



You know, we're so proud of you,

we're ready to bust.



Proud, yes. But surprised, no.



- Mr. Ziegfeld, this is my mother.

- Oh, the big boss.



Oh, Mr Ziegfeld.

You have a hit on your hands.



Especially with my daughter.



This is Mrs. Strakosh,

our neighbour.



And this is Eddie Ryan.

He's my friend.



Oh, Mr Ziegfeld. How do you do?



Mr. Ziegfeld, you're a genius.



To put a beautiful wedding gown

on a girl that's in the family way.



Who would think of such a thing?



Only one person I know.



We'd better go. Mrs. Brice is

expecting half the neighbourhood.



Half? All.



Free beer. You come, huh?






Mama, I'll come home soon.



Take your time.

I'm gonna be so busy showing off.



How many mothers on Henry Street

are the mother of a Ziegfeld star?



- Bye.

- I'll see you later.



Well, you have a charming mother,

and I have a problem.



I ought to fire you.

But I love talent.



And it's hard to quarrel

with five curtain calls.






There you are. That's my problem.



So I guess I'll have

to give you another chance.



Oh, Mr. Ziegfeld!



- Did he fire you?

- Not yet.



But I'll ring the curtain

down on you...



...if you disobey my orders again.



I won't. I won't. Never, ever.



I'll do it straight tomorrow night.



I mean...



...without the pillow.



You'll do it exactly like tonight.



- That's an order.

- You liked it?



No! But the audience did. That's why

I'm going to give you another number.



I'll choose a new song for you.



Thank you, Mr. Ziegfeld!

The only thing is, about that song.



A song, you know,

it's a very, very intimate thing.



I mean, it's really

between me and the audience.






So one of the things I really feel

definite about is choosing my own.



Choosing your own what?



Songs. Songs.



Good evening.



- And congratulations. Both of you.

- Hello, Nick.



- It's you, my first ruffled shirt.

- Good to see you. How're they running?



Ahead, Flo, just like you

and this little girl.



First time I saw her,

I had a hunch you belonged together.



I had the same hunch.

And it's aging me...





I knew it.

It was you who told him about me.



- No, I wish I had.

- I don't believe you.



Have it your own way.



And you had it your own way

on that stage tonight, didn't you?



Six curtain calls.



Only five.



- But you stopped the show.

- I did! I stopped the Follies!



I knew it. I wrote the card

with your flowers before the show.



- What?

- The yellow roses.



I didn't even have a chance to look!



Oh, they're beautiful.



- "Dear Star, I told you so."

- Don't forget, I saw you workout.



Where would you like to go?



Luchow's? Delmonico's?

A party? Two parties?



- I can't. I gotta meet some people...

- "At my mother's saloon."



- Not again. Can't you skip it?

- It wouldn't be nice.



It's sort of a party for me.



- You want to come?

- I'd love to.



- You mean it?

- Of course.



Think it over.

It's a neighbourhood thing.



It might waste

the whole evening for you.



I'll be with you, won't I?



Go ahead, get dressed.



Candidly, Mrs. Brice,

that's a good-looking fellow.



Gorgeous. He reminds me of

Fanny's papa, my ex, also gorgeous.



Wherever he is,

he should only stay there, huh?



What do you do anyway?

I mean, between my opening nights?



- Live.

- Everybody does that.



Hardly anyone does. But I do.

And on the side, I gamble.



You just gamble?



Yes. Like you did tonight.



You married?



No, Mrs. Strakosh, I'm not married.



So you're Mrs. Strakosh's

married daughter, Sadie.



To a dentist.



Mr. Arnstein, could I interest you

in a friendly little game of poker?



Three-cent limit.



- I was hoping you'd ask me.

- Oh, good.



- Deuces,   s and jokers wild.

- What?



We're out for blood.



- Would you care to deal?

- All right.



Oh, look!



That's marvellous.



I think he's played a game

of poker before, that Mr. Arnstein.



The way he looks to home.



He's a gentleman.



- A gentleman fits in any place.

- A sponge fits in any place.



To me, when a person's a stranger,

they should act a little strange.



I bet.



- I call.

- I call.



I'm afraid you're too good for me.



I see. I got two pair.



It's yours.



Oh, I win, I win, I win!



- How much do I owe?

- I think    cents.



Fine bunch of crooks

I introduced you to.



We had more practice, that's all.



Oh, Fanny, darling,

I'm so happy for your success.



- Only one thing could make me happier.

- What?



To dance at your wedding.



Come on, children, sit down.



Talk a little.



Should I murder her now

or wait till the party's over?



- Now.

- No, I like her.



Besides, I've been waiting all evening

for a chance to be alone with you.



Where does that go?



It's the alley.






Alone at last.



Fanny, congratulations!



- Thanks, Mrs. Nadler.

- I got up on account of the baby.



- He's a regular midnight fisherman!

- He'll outgrow it.



Alone at last.



That's Henry Street.



You're never alone.

Everybody worries about everybody.



It's my home.

I love having people care about me.



But I don't see how anyone

could help caring about you.



Why, because I'm funny?



Well, that's part of it.



It's a funny thing. I've imagined

you practically all over the world:



Paris, London, the Delaware Water Gap.



Everyplace. Everyplace except

Henry Street. And here you are.



You've imagined me?



Well, I mean,

I thought about you a lot.



Maybe it was your ruffled shirt.



Anyway, you're like a character

in a book to me.



And I hadn't read many books, see?



So that makes you kind of...



- I talk a lot, don't I?

- Yes.



But it's one of the things

I like best about you.



Boy, have you got good manners.



- It's your turn. Say something.

- All right.



With all these people who care about

you by the blockful and theatre-full...



...doesn't it ever narrow down

to just one special person?



You mean, like a boyfriend?



I haven't had time.



But don't get me wrong.

I mean, I know a million guys.



- After all, I am in the theatre.

- Oh, yes.



Well, see, I've been very busy and...



How about you?



- Hundreds of girls, huh?

- Oh, thousands!



All gorgeous.



All gorgeous.



Tonight should be

a nice change for you.



It is.



Thousands. Wow!



That way, I don't get too involved.



I like to feel free.



You can get lonesome being that free.



You can get lonesome being that busy.



Who would think to look at us

that we got the same problem?



Fanny, you're an enchanting girl.

I wish I could get to know you better.



So give me six good reasons why not?



Just one.



I must catch a train for Kentucky

early in the morning.



What's in Kentucky?



A half interest in a little farm.

I breed horses.



What's the matter,

they can't do it alone?



Hey, you all packed?

So, what are you doing around here?



It's late. I'll walk you to the car.



- I'll go say good night.

- No, I'll say it for you.



You know, if you weren't in a show...



...I think I'd have asked you

to come with me.



Too bad, isn't it?



I don't know. What with the Follies

and an indecent proposal...


           's been quite a night.



It was indecent, wasn't it?



- Very.

- Thank God.



At least I can tell Mrs. Strakosh

things are looking up.



- May I call you when I come back?

- Sure. When's that?



I don't know exactly. I may go

right on to Europe or the Coast...



You see, I never have definite plans.



They make me feel too tied down.



But I'll call you.






Watch your step.



Watch your step.



- You the Ziegfeld Girls?

- You can't tell?



All right, dear, line up over here.



Conductor, baby. What time is it,

and where are we?



It's   a.m., miss,

and we're in Baltimore.






Okay, girls, that's it. Smile pretty.



Hold it.



Good. All right, girls.

Hold it, hold it.



Now, where's that new star...



...Fanny Brice?



Enter the star.



Miss Brice?



Hold it. Perfect. This'll just

take a minute, Miss Brice.



How about a smile, Miss Brice?



So shoot the picture.






Oh, very good.



- Great.

- Yes, wasn't it? I loved it.



I'm coming.






How wonderful to see you.



And how wonderful you look.



You look good too. The first time

I've seen you in broad daylight.



You haven't changed. And I'm glad.



- Do you know how long it's been?

- Just a year.



And two weeks.



What are you doing here?



I'm waiting for the train

from New York.



- My train?

- That's right.



Fanny, will you have dinner

with me tonight?



Tell me all about Mrs. Strakosh,

and about you.



When a fellow gets up at   a.m.

To meet a girl's train...



I came here to meet

another girl, named Elsie.



I have plans, so you

can have dinner with her.



It'll be very dull.



There she is now.



Thanks, Jack.

I'll see you at the stables.



- That's my girl Elsie.

- Skinny legs, just like mine.



How about dinner? Will you, Fanny?



You always ask me out, don't you?



Whenever you happen to run into me.



- I've never known anyone so polite.

- Fanny, l...



But I still have other plans.

And I really must go.



Thanks anyway.



Fanny, I can't give up this easily.



I want to see you too much.

We've such a lot to catch up on.



Where are you staying? Majestic?



There's a nice private

dining room downstairs.



I'll reserve it for  :  .

I hope you'll change your mind.



I'll be waiting.



No law against waiting.



People do it all the time.



"No law against waiting," I said.



"People do it all the time."



I was a regular Theda Bara.



For once in my life, I didn't say

too much, I didn't say too little.



I said just enough, then I walked.



You like these flowers in my hair?



Why should I have dinner with him?

I'm not hungry.



You like the earrings?



Even if I was hungry,

I don't need him to buy my dinner.



Then why are you going?



- I said, why...?

- Who said I was going?



Won't you please come in?



May I take your wrap?



That colour looks wonderful

with your eyes.



Just my right eye.

I hate what it does to the left.



You planning to make advances?



I wasn't planning it,

but it does seem possible.



Before dinner or after dinner?



You look beautiful.



Don't make leading lady dialogue

for me. I'm a comic.



- On-stage.

- That's where I live, on-stage.



Then you're missing too much.



You said we had a lot to catch up on.



I'm touring with the Follies.

A week here, then a week in Chicago.



Then we rehearse a new show

after that. What about you?



My girl Elsie's running in the

Baltimore Handicap next Friday.



- After that, I'm not sure because...

- You never had definite plans.



I remember.



Somebody laid an egg on your table.



- What is it?

- A blue marble egg.



I got it in Rome ages ago.



It's one of my favourite things.

I thought you might like to have it.



A blue marble egg,

and yellow roses...



You went to a lot of trouble even

though you weren't sure I'd come.



I hoped you would.



Just as I hope

you like very dry sherry.



I wouldn't know dry from wet.



What are you so angry about?



Who's angry?



Who's angry?



I'm sorry I'm disappointing you,

but what did you expect?



You didn't answer my question.

Why are you so angry?



I am not angry!

Why don't you answer a question?



Should I be flattered because your

train isn't leaving in the morning?



This time you have a few days to kill.

You're not slumming at Keeney's now.



- I never was and you know it.

- Don't holler!



- I'm not hollering. You are.

- That's different.



I'm a natural hollerer. Anyway,

I answered your silly question.



Look, why don't we cut through all

this and get to the point, which is:



Why didn't I call you

when I got back from Kentucky?



You got busy.



You forgot.



There could be a hundred reasons.



Just one.



I wanted to stay away from you.



We were heading for something you

couldn't have known how to handle.



What makes you think I do now?



If you don't...


           's time you learned.



Maybe we should order now?



Are you sure you want to stay?






...might as well have dinner.



Very sensible.



Come in.



Paul, I think we're about ready now.






Caviar, to begin with?



No, I don't think so.



Pâté Strasbourg?






Then we'll have filet de boeuf,

sauce bordelaise.



Very good, Paul. Thank you.



Very good. Thank you.



All right?



I would have ordered

roast beef and potatoes.



I did.



What's the matter?



If I can't tell

what you're ordering...


            will I know

when you're making advances?



You'll know.

I'll be much more direct.



You'll know.

I'll be much more direct.



I'm calling you. What have you got?



Ace of diamonds...



...jack of spades, nine of hearts...



...four of clubs and two of diamonds.



Take it. I thought you were bluffing.



What do you hear from Fanny?



This morning she telephoned,




- Oh, yeah?

- How did she sound?



Two shows in a row,

three months on the road.



How do you think she sounded? Tired.



- She didn't sound tired.

- Excuse me, I made a mistake.



She sounded silly, she kept laughing.



Maybe something strike her comical.



A mother says, "How are you?"

That's so comical?



She breaks out laughing.



Another thing.

On the road, she lives like a mouse.



All day in the hotel, all night

in the theatre, no fresh air.



But suddenly in Baltimore, MD,

she's running...



...up streets, down streets, museums,

racetracks, graveyards yet.



- Do you think it could be a fellow?

- Think? I know.



- Who?

- Who is it?



- The ruffled shirt!

- The ruffled shirt.



Lady, if you're game for this one,

he's on the house.



Nobody in history ever had three.



Start boiling the water.



I'm proud to think that I'm the man...



...who introduced you

to your first lobster.



Among other things.



Behave yourself!



I get so mad when I think

of what I missed before I met you.



I played Baltimore before...



...but never realized

it was such a beautiful city.



It makes me wish

you'd come with us tomorrow.



See what you can do for Chicago.



I was going to, I decided yesterday.



Now I can't.



What happened between

yesterday and now?



You were there.

Elsie lost the Baltimore Handicap.



I lost Elsie and my shirt.



But I was watching you.



You didn't blink an eye.

You didn't lose your ruffled shirt.



No, darling. I never lose that.



Nor my gambling money.

Just about everything else.






...I have to take a train

for New York at midnight...



...and the Berengaria for Europe

tomorrow night.



Stop boiling the water.

I just lost my appetite.



- What's in Europe?

- It's what's on the boat to Europe.



Bored men who have nothing to do

for eight days but play cards.



You are going to Europe

so you can play cards on the boat?



Fanny, that's how I live.

I told you that on Henry Street...



...and the first night we were here.

- Yes, I know.



I know.



I know it by heart.





            don't have to worry.

You're not involved.



But I am involved...



...with a girl who has her own work,

is too busy to get lonesome.



So we wave to each other

from boats and trains.



I better get to the theatre.



Yes, sir.



Fanny, please don't look sad.



You walk back into my life,

change everything and walk out again.



How should I look? Happy?



But I'll be back in your life again.

Very soon.



Like last time.



- Not a bit like last time.

- So, what's different?



I love you.



Do you mean that?



You're not just trying to be polite?



You do mean it.



What do you know?



It's been the most beautiful week

in my whole life.



Fanny, I should hurry

if I'm to drop you, get packed...



...and catch that train for New York.



Pick me up at the theatre at   ...



...and I'll go to the station

with you.



Oh, why not? Are you afraid I'll cry?



No. I'm afraid I will.



So where have you been

since  :   this morning?






Just walking.



If you're gonna die whenever

you say goodbye to a man...



Calling Miss Brice, Miss Fanny Brice.



Right here.



- Miss Brice?

- Yeah?



- You feel better now?

- Yeah. Yeah.






Thank you.



Thank you.



- Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.



- Ten dollars?

- Thank you!



From Fanny?

The last of the five-cent tippers?



Yeah, I should have made it   .



Emma. Emma. Where's Emma?



What is it, Fanny?



I am not going to die. That's all.



And I'm not going to Chicago, either.



Are you crazy?

What are you gonna tell Ziegfeld?



I'd better find out.

Please get him on the phone for me.



Where's Emma? Have you seen Emma?



Where is she? Em?



- Miss Fanny?

- Be an angel and help me. Hold these.



I'm only taking that bag and that one.

I'm not going to Chicago.



What do you mean,

you're not going to Chicago?!



Where are you going?



Empire Limited departing

for New York at  :   a. M...



... now boarding at track   .



I told him.



Please talk to her, Miss Georgia.



Once Fanny makes up her mind,

she makes up her mind.



But somebody has to talk to her.



- Who is it?

- Ziegfeld.



You don't need me.

You have four other good names...



...and the tour is over in two weeks.



- You've said a lot of idiotic things.

- No, Flo.



That's the most unprofessional thing

I've ever heard in my entire life!






Simmer down before

your ulcer flares up.



Funny, since you gave me that ulcer.



Now, listen, Flo, I love the theatre.



I love to hear an audience applaud,

but you can't take an audience home!



I want a personal life too.

Just wish me luck.



She can't stop in the middle...

What did he say?



- He hung up.

- Let me have that phone.



Ladies of the ensemble, adieu.



- Where are you going?

- New York.



- Why?

- I'm going to Europe with Nick.



- What?

- You're kidding!



When I meet a guy I want,

I won't make jokes.



Did Nick ask you to go with him?



No, but...



...when he sees me, he'll be glad.



I hope.



One ticket on the Empire Limited

departing for New York at  :   a.m.



Haven't you any pride?



I love the guy

and I want to be with him.



- You're making a fool of yourself.

- Georgia, this is right for me.



- Is it right for Nick?

- I'll make it right for him!



- Don't stick your neck out this way!

- Don't do it! Don't do it!



Don't. You mustn't do it.



Don't tell me...



Would you like all of these out, sir?



- Oh, no. Just these two, please.

- Thank you, sir.









If you hadn't looked

exactly the way you did...



...this could have been embarrassing.



You crazy girl.



What are you doing here?



I figured that if I waited for you

to make your fortune...


            would you know that I wasn't

after you for your money?



I promise I'll never tie you down.

I promise.



Will that be all?



Yes, steward. Thank you.



Thank you, sir.



I say, I caught your show

the last time I was in port.



You were marvellous.



- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.



Ring if you need me, Mr. Brice.



Thank you.



Courvoisier, Mr. Arnstein?



Yes, perfect. And a...



...crème de menthe frappé.

- Yes, sir.



I like that beard on that captain.

Makes him look trustworthy.



He wants me to bring you

to his cabin for cocktails.



You're a great success, Fanny,

and that's off-stage.



I'm with you, that's all.



I don't know how I thought of

going without you.



Me neither.



- Nick...

- Yes?



Go on, say it.



You went to good schools.

I went to practically no schools.



You're Park Avenue.



- I'm Lower East Side.

- Now, now. Don't be a snob.



No, no. What I am trying to say is...



And you don't have to...

I mean, I'm all yours anyway, but...



Well, where I come from

on Henry Street...



...when two people

sort of love each other...



Oh, never mind, never mind.



Well, what do they do when

they sort of love each other?



One of them says,

"Why don't we get married?"



Is that so?



- And sometimes it's even the man.

- Really?



Forget the whole thing.

Just forget I mentioned it.



All right.



Thank you.



You know...


           's pretty much the same

where I come from.



Well, why don't you stop making jokes

and say it so that I can say...



...I have to think it over,

or ask my mother, or turn you down.



I've got a better idea.



What's that?



- Have your drink.

- Have my drink.



Look, why don't we get married?



When? Here? Tonight? When?



The captain looks like a rabbi.



- How? When? Right now?

- When I make a bankroll.



- No, I don't care about that.

- I do.



- I want to be the head of the family.

- You will. You're smarter.



It'll be the way I say

or not at all.



Could you win what you need

in that poker game tonight?



- It's possible.

- Go ahead, go play cards.



- Wait.

- I want to be a Sadie.



A what?



You met Mrs. Strakosh's

married daughter, Sadie.



- That's a married lady.

- I see.



Can I come and watch with you?



Look, my whole future

depends on it. Please!



Can you watch

with no expression at all?



Whatever happens?



Can I watch with no expression?



I pass.



I'll call.



- I'll call.

- I pass.






I'll call.






Just one, please. Thank you.



Three here.






- Two.

- Two.



The dealer takes three.



Up to the opener.



Opener checks.



I'll bet a thousand.



I'm out.



All right.



One thousand and...



...two thousand more.



I'm out.



Well, I think you are bluffing,

Mr. Arnstein.



So I'll see you.



Well, I've got three kings here.



- I thought you were bluffing.

- In this distinguished company?



I wouldn't dare.



I'm afraid this is getting

rather dull for you.



Excuse me. I'll be right back.



- Good night.

- Good night.



Quit, quit, quit!



It's against my religion

to break a winning streak.



Goodbye, Sadie.



Sorry, gentlemen.



Your deal.



What happened?



It's a beautiful night.



I had a stroll around the deck.

Did me a lot of good.






It's terribly late, Sadie.



You should have been in bed ages ago.



How could I go to bed?!



I've been sitting here waiting,

hour after hour.



Did you say "Sadie"?



Honey, if this is a hotel,

I don't think they're ready for us.



Oh, Nick.



Oh, Nick!



It must have cost a fortune.



I made a fortune on the Epsom Derby.



I expect to make another with this

Florida deal. So don't worry.



Anyway, it's the perfect house

for a millionaire.



Nice baby. Open your eyes,

look at your daddy.






I bought her something.



- An add-a-pearl necklace.

- An add-a-tooth necklace would be...



Nick, you are absolutely crazy.



She can't wear this

until she's grown up.



But she'll know she has it.

It'll give her confidence.



And if you play

your cards right...



...she might loan it to you

until then.



You bet she will. Won't you?



- Fifteen. One more.

- Oh, please!






Look at me.

I'm breathing like a whale.



The way that baby slowed me down,

I ought to sue her.



She's pretty, isn't she?



She's the cutest little thing

I ever saw.



- Alive, alert...

- But she's pretty.



Yes, Fan, she's pretty.

Very pretty. Come on.



Ziegfeld made no mistake hiring you.



Heard from Nick?



- Yeah, he calls every night.

- From Oklahoma?



Sure. With these phone bills,

he better strike oil.



Let's try this.



Let's go.



One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three, four.



One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three...









I can't believe it.



- There you are.

- Thank you very much.



Is that ghastly sound

coming from my daughter?



What is it, honey?

What is it, sweetheart? Are you wet?



- Welcome home, Mr. Arnstein.

- It's good to see you.



What happened?

What happened to the baby?



- Look who's here, honey.

- That isn't very attractive.



I wish you'd stop.



Thank you, sweetheart.



You've stayed blond, you clever girl.



We're going to be late for rehearsal.



Just a few more minutes.



Would you take the baby

up to Hilda for me?



Goodbye, my love.



Say bye-bye.



You know what?



This time I think you lost

your ruffled shirt.



We struck sand and rock and water.



I think we even struck champagne.



The one thing

we didn't strike was oil.



You'll think of something better...



...while lying in a hammock

at your beautiful country house.



It is beautiful.



Nick, it's been absolutely murder...



...dragging myself back and forth

to that theatre every day.



You guessed it.



We better look for an apartment

in town...



...on  th Avenue.

- Even on  th. I wouldn't be insulted.



You know what bothers me more

than losing the house?



It's the fact that I seem

to have lost my poker face.



Just to me, honey. Come on.



- Nick.

- Tom.



The place looks wonderful.



A church can look cute, but

a gambling house has to look honest.



And be honest.



Come on in here.



Joe, a Scotch and water

for Mr. Arnstein.



When did you get back?



A couple of weeks ago.



It's good to see you, Tom.



Well, what took you

so long to drop in?



We've been moving

into a new apartment in town.



I've been helping with the legwork.



My wife has a show opening tonight.



Say, Nick, I'm sorry to hear

about those oil wells.



Is it all over town, Tom?



Even made the papers.



But that doesn't mean anything.



It's funny, though.



I once dropped      

on Monday...



...picked up    on Tuesday,

all in absolute privacy.



The news travels

much faster these days.



That spotlight on your wife

lights you up too.



- Any action in the backroom?

- Now? Yeah, there's a game, but...






Just by way of limbering up.

I've got an hour to kill.



I hear they haven't been

running too well.



It'll change.



He's not in his seat.



I looked down during the number.

He's not in his seat.



So maybe he's late, ran into

an old friend or his watch stopped.



- You're getting excited over nothing.

- Nothing? People get run over!



They have accidents, don't they?



Emma, go call the hospitals.



He could be lying in a street.



Where's my eyeliner?



Hurry up and get dressed, will you?



I'll call    .



   . Bettor.



No, not for me.



Have a bite. Keep your strength up.

Food and liquor right over there.



Nick, it's after  :  .



Why don't you get out?



No, Tom. Thank you. I'll watch it.



Telephone for you, Mr. Arnstein,

in the bar.



It's your wife's maid at the theatre.



Look, tell her I've been detained.



I'll be there in time

for the second act. Thank you.



What are you going to do?

Shoot the swans?



These lovelies?



My swan girls?

What are you, dumb?



Oh, was that good!






Was that necessary?



You couldn't walk over here

like a person?



Where was I?

Oh... I was here.



I'm sorry, darling.



How did it go?



Good reviews?






"All any show needs is Fanny Brice."



"New York audiences continue

their love affair with Fanny."



Darling, I'm so happy for you.



How was the party?



How was the party?



There was no party.



The guests didn't think the hostess

was in the mood for a party.



Not without the host.



Let's not fight about this.



Why not?



Isn't spoiling my opening night

worth fighting about?



How do you think I felt,

trying to be funny?



I'm trying to make them laugh.



My own husband

not caring enough to be there!



You didn't let them

suffer because of me.



You're damn right I didn't!



How do you think I felt afterwards,

with people asking me where you were?



How could I say a poker game was more

important than my opening night?!



To hell with your opening night!



Why shouldn't the poker game be

as important as your opening night?



It's my work, and I haven't

had a smash hit for a long time.



But tonight I was winning.



I wouldn't have left

that game for anything...



...because I thought maybe, finally,

at last my luck had changed.



Only it hadn't.



So it'll change tomorrow.



The way it has a hundred other times.



Everyone has a run of bad luck

sometimes. It doesn't mean anything.



How would you know, darling?



You never lose.



That was my crazy husband

on the phone.



A guy with a deal for me

offered Nick a thousand...


            put in a word.

He took the money...



...and gave it to a waiter

he never saw before in his life.



And he just put in a word.



You want to play? Get a deck.



Fanny, I never butted

in your life, did I?



When I was a kid, you made me

wear long underwear to school.



When your children grow up

and you want to talk serious...



...I hope they make jokes.

- Sorry.



I thought you were gonna

start in on Nick.



Where would I come to criticize Nick?

It's you I'm surprised at.






Because when you look at him,

you only see what you want to see.



I see him as he is.

I love him as he is.



Fanny, love him a little less.



Help him a little more.



Mama, he doesn't need any help.

He's not a child.



The man is drowning.

He owes money everywhere.



He doesn't know which way to turn.






- How do you know that?

- Everyone knows. Only you don't know.



Are you so wrapped up in the show

you can't see anything else?



Why wouldn't he tell me? He knows

he can have anything I've got.



That's not what he needs.



Darling, you are his wife.



You've gotta sit down with him,

talk to him...



...think together what he should do.



Some of that for me, Nick?



Won't make a dent in what I owe you,

Peterson. But if you can't wait...



I could wait. I could even forget it.



In return for what?



I need a front man,

someone like you...



...who can talk, for a bond deal

I'm putting together.



It's a big one.



- You could make yourself a mint.

- Thanks, but I don't think so.



I guess when you have

Fanny Brice for a meal ticket...


            don't get very hungry.



I'm sorry, Peterson.



Meal tickets...



...that's my joke.






Is Mr. Branca here yet?



- Not yet, Mr. Arnstein.

- I expect him any minute.



This yelled from FAO Schwarz:



"Take me home to Frances,"

it said. So I did.



Will you give it to her

for me, please? Thank you.



Oh, Hilda. You and the cook

have been very patient...



...but it's high time

I paid your salaries.



I owe you for two months, I believe.



Miss Brice paid us, sir. All that

was owed and three months in advance.



I mean, Mrs. Arnstein paid us.



Miss Brice paid you.



I'll get it, thank you.



- There you are.

- Am I late?



No, I just beat you in.

Let's go in here.



I'll mix us a drink.

You can tell me what you have in mind.



Hey, nice place, Nick.



It's comfortable and very convenient.



- Water or soda, Tom?

- Straight. I haven't got much time.



The place is getting crowded

earlier these days.



When you do that well,

it's good trouble.



That's what I want

to talk to you about.



- I didn't know you were home.

- Hello, darling.



Mr. Branca, I haven't

seen you for ages.



I've been dying to see your show,

but I've been so busy.



I just dropped by

to make Nick a proposition.



If it's some new way of marking cards,

Nick, don't listen.



Aside from that, I'll leave you.

But I'm dying of curiosity.



Come back, silly.

Get yourself a drink and sit down.



- All right with you?

- Of course. It's all in the family.



- Sit down and start propositioning.

- All right.



Well, as I told you, the place...



No, thanks.

The place is doing awfully well.



So well that some money men approached

me about opening another one.



It's getting very fashionable.



I'd like to. I think it would go.



But I can't possibly run

two places single-handed.



And they don't know

anything about this business.



So I told them about you.



The long and short of it is,

we want you as a partner.



With an extra cut for running

the place. How's it strike you?



Pleasantly. I'm flattered, naturally.



And it's no secret

there's no place I'd rather be...



...than a gambling club.



Except the theatre on opening night.



It sounds like something

you'd be good at.



I've always had a yen to run a club.

And lots of ideas.



- Well, then, great. Then it's a deal.

- Wait, wait a minute.



It depends on how much I'd have to

put up for the partnership, because...



Nick, we don't need your money.

We need you.



But how much are you

and the others putting in?



Fifty thousand.



And for me it's free?



Tom, I can't let you put up my share.



I'm not. I swear I'm not.



Look, our thinking is that

with your know-how and your...



...well, class is the only

word I can use...


           'll draw all the right people.

We'll make our money back in no time.



A full partnership for nothing?

Oh, except my "class."



Plus a cut for running the place.



That's a very generous offer.



Too generous.






How much were you going to put in?



Fifty thousand.



Tom, I'm sorry

your time's been wasted.



- Nick, it is a good idea.

- Was a good idea.



Please don't blame Tom.

I talked him into it.



Thanks for everything.



- I was just trying to help.

- I don't want that kind of help!



I don't want anyone going

behind my back...



...sinking money into me

to make me look good.



Fanny, l...



I just wish you hadn't done it.



You'd better go.

You'll be late for the theatre.



I can't go. Not like this.



Darling, listen. Please.



Once I saw how unhappy you are...



...I knew I had to do something.



I guess I did it wrong.

You know how dumb I can be.



You don't have to say

you did it out of love.



Believe me, I know that.



Murray Hill     .









Something wrong?



It's Nick.



He's hurt?



No, no. He's in trouble.



He's gotten himself mixed up

in a phony bond deal.






...what do I do?



- I call a lawyer or...?

- He's got a lawyer.



Branca got him Bill Fallon.



And Fallon's the best criminal

attorney in New York City.






Embezzlement is a criminal charge.



Fallon advised him to give himself up,

and he did. A few hours ago.



He gave himself up?



- You mean he's in jail?

- Uh-huh.



I've got to see him.



You can't, honey. They won't let you.



- I just gotta.

- Look...



- Please, is there something I can do?

- Fanny, look.



He doesn't want to see you.



It's understandable.

He's humiliated, ashamed...



Ashamed of what?

This is Nick Arnstein, not some hood!



If these bonds were phony,

you don't think he knew it, do you?



That's the line Fallon will use,

that he was a victim, a dupe.



- Fallon will call you at home.

- I'd better go.



There are reporters that way.



Come up to my office and go out

through the front of the house.



Why? There's nothing to hide.



You want me to go with you, Fan?






- Will you answer some questions?

- Sure, but I don't talk very good yet.



- Hold it!

- Did you know Nick gave himself up?



He'll do anything not

to come home for dinner.



Peterson says Nick masterminded

the whole swindle, what do you say?



He couldn't mastermind a

light bulb out of a socket!



What about these stocks?



The only stock I know

about is summer stock.



- What's your husband's story?

- No story.



My dope was an innocent dupe!

Or, my dupe was an innocent dope?



- He try to sell you any bonds?

- He ain't that dopey.



- You know he might go to prison?

- At least I'll know where he is nights.



You still love him, Miss Brice?



The name is Arnstein.



Mrs. Arnstein.



Mrs. Arnstein, do you still love him?



Next case.



"The People vs. Arnstein.



The grand jury has

charged the defendant...



...with embezzlement, citing statute

    Section A of the penal code."



How does the defendant plead?



Your Honour,

I move for a postponement.



Why, Mr. Fallon?



My client's been in custody only   

hours. I've seen him only once.



I've been unable to acquaint

him with the charges.



He's unable to enter a plea

without full understanding...



- Nick, please.

- Sorry, Bill.



There's no need for a postponement.

I understand the charge.



- I knew exactly what I was doing.

- Nick.



So I wish to plead guilty.



I'll see the deputy D.A.

And Mr. Fallon in my chambers.



I'm sorry.



- You have only a few minutes.

- Thank you.



What happened in there?



The minimum sentence, two years.



With luck, I'll be out in    months.



With luck.



Why, Nick?



You had a chance.



All you had to do was say

that Peterson tricked you.



- I couldn't say that.

- Why not?



Because he didn't.



I want you to divorce me.



What are you saying?



We're just no good for each other.

Everybody knows that.



Look, my darling,

I may not be good for you...



...but nobody has the right to say

what's good for me.



Not even you.



You think I don't know that everything

that went wrong was my fault? I do.



It's no use, Fanny.



Look, I've tried to tell myself

I'll catch up with you.



It'll be all right.



But there's no way

I can catch up with you.



I don't want to run anymore.

Not in a race I can't win.



- Let me go. Let me be myself again.

- I can't.



I can't just let you go off to prison.



Why not?

Wouldn't the publicity be good?



I'll be with you in a minute.



I'm sorry, darling.

That's what I've turned into.



You think you mean this,

and maybe you do.



But maybe it's just because

of all that's happened.



So why don't we just

leave it for now...



...and if you still feel the same way

when you come home...



...I won't fight you.









Listen, you take care of yourself.



Go out, see people,

do things, enjoy yourself.



I don't worry about you.



The moment you're out on that stage,

nothing bothers you.






The strongest woman in the whole

world, that's what you are.



Did you know that?



Yeah, sure.



Everybody knows that.



So long, funny girl.



It cleaned up fine.



You been sitting

in that theatre all this time?



You all right?



Then would you see Mr. Ziegfeld?

He's waiting outside.



Flo, come on in.



I'll get your props for you.



Any word from Nick?



No, not yet.



I've been worried about you.



I'm sorry you've been worried.



I don't even know

if Nick wants us to go on...



...but if he does...



...I don't want to make

the same mistakes.



So if it means giving up the theatre,

I hope you'll be a sport about it.



I won't be.



But I won't worry about it

until it happens.



- Fifteen minutes, Miss Brice.

- Thank you.



I'll let you get dressed.



Be happy, dear.



Hello, Fanny.



You must be that fella

I met at Keeney's one night.



You must be that girl

from Henry Street.



I feel like a kid on a blind date.



Did you see the baby, darling?






I came straight here.



She's gorgeous.



Getting to look just like you.



Who says I'm not lucky?



Fanny, l...



I've had    months to think about us.



You want to hear something funny?



I've had the same    months,

and I never thought about us.



I mean, I simmered, I stewed...



...I cried my eyes out...



...but I never really thought.



Not until today.



Then I saw that you were right.



You did a lot for me, Nick.



That's what I'm going to remember.



What did I ever do for you, darling?



What did I ever give you that you

couldn't have gotten for yourself?



A blue marble egg.



No one would have

given me that but you.



And you...



You made me feel sort of...



...beautiful, you know...



...for a very long time.



You are beautiful.



Five minutes.



There are a lot of people

waiting for you.



Goodbye, Fanny.



Goodbye, Nick.

Special help by SergeiK