A Guy Thing Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the A Guy Thing script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jason Lee, Julia Stiles, and Selma Blair movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of A Guy Thing. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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A Guy Thing Script



All right, guys. Quiet down.



Kill it.



All right,

l'd like to propose a toast.



To the three rings of marriage.



There's the engagement ring.



There's the wedding ring.



And there's suffering!



To Paul!



Thank you.



Drink! Drink! Drink!



Come on, man.

Loosen up a little.



l'm the uptight lawyer...



but you were always

the crazy one in the family.



-l know.

-Relax and have fun.



My bachelor party...



was the last good time

in my marriage.



Maybe your marriage

didn't work...



because you had too much fun

at the bachelor party.



lt didn't work because Deena

was impossible to please.



Your marriage will be fine.

You've got Karen.



And she's beautiful.

Smart. Funny.



She's kind to animals.



She's very, very sexy.



She's got

a great sense of style.







l'm just a big fan.



l can't believe my little

brother's getting married.



l got to run. l love you.



OK. Hey!



You are a lucky, lucky man.



Paul, up high!



Good luck in there.







Listen, Jim, about the girls...



l'm not sure.



-l totally understand, dude.

-You do?







And l want you

to know something, man.



l don't give a shit.



-You be the groom.

-That's not how it works.



Hang on a second.

l'm giving you a chance...



to be the groom

at a bachelor party...



and you don't have

to get married next Saturday.



Think about that.



Listen up, everybody.



As of this moment,

l am the groom.



We got tiki girls!



Where's the groom?






You really suck at this.



Yeah. lt's my first day.



Would you buy me a beer?










-Hi, Paul.



Hi, Mrs. Cooper.



l'm going to be

your mother-in-law.



Call me Sandra.



-Hi, Sandra.

-How was the bachelor party?



You know, silly.



lt's really

such an outdated ritual.



You are

every mother-in-law's dream.



Can you put Karen on for me?



Sure. Hold on.



Oh, my God.



What is it?

ls something the matter?



l guess Karen

hasn't arrived yet.



What do you mean?



She's on her way over.

She should be there by now.



Nope. Not here yet.



Sandra, l have to get going.



Could you please have her--



Holy shit.



Miss? Ma'am?




-You have to leave now.



Good morning to you, too.



l'm not a rude guy,

but you have to go now!



OK, l'm going.



My fiancée

is on her way over here.



You're getting married?



Only if you leave

really, really soon.



You weren't the guy

with the groom hat on.



l'd love to explain,

but you have to leave.



l'm going

to get my ass kicked.



That is very clear.



What happened?



OK, let's go.



Bad news.

l can't find my underwear.



Can l mail them to you?



Yes, please.

They're my only pair.



Give me your address.



l have more than

one pair of underwear.



l'll find them

before she gets here.



Calm down.

lf you're freaking out...



when your fiancée gets here,

you'll freak her out.



You're freaking me out,

and l don't even know you.



Just be cool.



l'm a very cool guy.



Cooler than most of the guys

you probably meet.



No offense. This is just

a bad situation for me.



Trust me. l'm not this guy.



After you.



lf you see a pair of

bikini underwear lying around...



see this guy.



Could you not say that, please?



Can you do me a favor

and take the back stairs?



ln case l had any speck

of self-esteem left?



l bet that goes over well

with the ladies.



There are no ladies,

all right?




-lt's actually...



Thank you, Mrs. Jackson.






Wedding planner.



We were thinking of going

with the whole luau thing.



Good day.






Not there. God!






Could you undo the chain?



One second!



Paul! What's going on?



Please undo the chain.

l am standing out here.



Paul, are you OK?



Karen, sweetheart,

what a surprise.



Why'd you chain the door shut?



You can't be too safe.



How was the bachelor party?

Hung over?



Not at all.



l know what happens

at these things...



and you should not

feel guilty...



and you don't

have to tell me anything.



Unless there's something

you want to tell me.



Don't leave!

Let me explain!



Shut up!



Maybe l had a drink or two.



Yeah. l'm sure

you kept it to two.



OK, look.



l got all your outfits

for the parties this week.






Wow. That's a nice sweater.



And you like?



l like.



l thought it would be perfect

for the rehearsal dinner.




-l knew you'd like it.



How is the string quartet

coming along?



l'm on it.



lt is the one thing...



l have asked you to do

for this wedding.



Yeah. lt's basically

almost completely...



taken care of.



How was the bachelorette party?



Oh, my God. A total blast.



We went to Giggles,

and sat in front...



and heckled the comedians.



Jody got so wasted!



Hello? Earth to Paul.



Over here,

you big party animal.



How about a kiss

for that hangover?



All right.



What are you--



What are you--OK.

l have a million things to do.



My Great Aunt Budge

is coming in tomorrow.



My mom is

completely freaked out.



Your mom called...this morning.



She did?



Did she tell you

l was coming over?



Then why were you

so surprised to see me?



l might be more hung over

than l thought.



You're a weirdo.



Oh, my God.

l have a million things to do.



Oh, God.



What the hell happened last

night? Where were you?



Sorry, chief.

l got waylaid.



lf you know what l'm saying--

way laid.




-That tiki girl Tonya.



l kept trying

to turn off the charm...



but l guess

l couldn't find the switch.



You're not listening to me.



l woke up this morning

with a strange woman in my bed.



How could this happen?

Was l that drunk?



That's awesome!

What are you complaining about?




-Nice shoes.



Karen got them.

She wants me to break them in.



They're special.






l got to tell Karen.



Paul, listen to me.



Do not under

any circumstances tell Karen.



What happened last night

is perfectly natural.



We're men. We're hunters.



lt's encrypted in our DNA code.



You got to accept that.

Get over it.



l don't know what

l'm going to do.



Hi, Jim.

lt's Tonya from last night.



l was going to be

in the neighborhood later...



and thought l might stop by,

so give me a call.






That poor girl's been Jim-ified.



This is all your fault, man.






but Karen's

never going to find out.



And that tiki girl?



Come on.



You'll never see her again.



A survey was made one time

that covered a lot of men--



working men--and these men

were asked this question--



Why do you work?



Why do you get up

in the morning?



Why? Everyone goes to work

in the morning.



And that's the reason

they do it...



because everyone else

is doing it.



And there you have

the trouble today.



lt's conformity--



people acting like everyone else

without knowing why...



or where they're going.



We'll have more with Dr. Earl...



after this short break

on KCNP...



the best talk in Seattle.




-Holy shit!



-You work here?

-First day.



What happened to the dancing?



l sucked.



Hey! Let's go, asshole!



Just a sec. Sorry.



Listen, what's your name?






Don't make me

get out of my box, fella!



Fifty cents.



l want you to know,

about what happened--



Have a good day.

Remember to drive safely.






-lt's hitting the--

-l know!



Look what you--

You dented the hood of my car!



-Hang on!

-Good to see you.






That's her.



l'm a little disturbed

about something, Paul.



What's that, sir?



You had a bachelor party?



l--lt's totally--




l may be

your bride-to-be's father...



but l'm still a man. Huh?



You sick son of a bitch!



-l'll kill you!

-You're choking me!



No, it was pretty uneventful.



We watched

hours of action movies...



and talked about high school.



lt was a hoot.



Good answer. That's my boy.



You like that, huh?



l know what you're thinking.



lt's the good life--

like you see on TV.



''That could never happen to me.''



You've made it, son.



You're one of us. Enjoy.



Welcome to the club.



Thank you.



Boys, let's get started.



l've been in this business

a long time...



and if we get ''Modern Rifleman''

up to       ...



l'll strip down to my shorts

and jump in the ocean.



My question is...



once you've stripped down

to your shorts...



will you actually

loosen your tie?



Have l fired you today, Curt?



Enough frivolity.

Let's get down to business.







Tell us how

the ad campaign looks...



for ''North American

River and Stream.''



Pretty good, sir.

l'm projecting--



Why don't you get up there

and talk to us?



Make a presentation.

Take over the room.



Hooking us is half the battle.

Still got to reel us in.






lt's a good news,

bad news situation.



The good news is...



we've had steady growth

over the last six months.







Just give me a second here.



Do you mind if l take

a quick restroom break?



No. Go ahead.



Great. Be right back.



Looks like you're getting

a weak bladder in the family.



Oh, my God, it burns!



What is it?






Jesus Christ!



Ted. Hey.



God damn it.



Thank you.






What can l do for you?



l need to get

some crab medicine.






Crab medicine.



-l don't--

-You know...



Crab medicine.



Let me see.

Crab medicine.







ls crab medicine

Aisle   or Aisle  ?



Crab medicine?



Crab medicine!



Crab medicine!




-Aisle  !



l'll get it. Thanks.

Excuse me.



Here you go. Good luck.



Are there special directions

for this stuff?



l don't know.

Let me ask Phil.



Phil, this crab stuff--



ls there any special

application technique, sir?



He wants to see it.






My future son-in-law.

l thought that was you.



What a nice surprise.



Sandra, hi.



Small world.

What brings you here?




l forgot something in...



l am so relieved

that your mother decided...



not to cook

the rehearsal dinner.



l'm not saying

anything about her cooking.



lt's a really big job.



That reminds me. l've got

to help her find a caterer.



There's my guy.



You almost left

without your stuff.



Now, about those crabs--



They were delicious.



Jeff is an incredible chef.



He gave me a recipe for...



Crab Louie that was

out of this world.




-Yeah. What?



You're a chef?



Yes, l am.



l'm putting myself

through cooking school...



working the pharmacy thing.



lsn't that wonderful?



ls there a chance

you might be able...



to cook dinner

for    people on Friday?



lt's a rehearsal dinner

for Paul and my daughter.



Wow, l'm honored--



-l can only pay $   .








That was easy. Thank you.



Bucky, come on.



These are going

to be our in-laws...



so we really have

to make sure that--



Honey, l'm a pants salesman.



l know how

to act around people.



l can sell pants.



Give your gift, baby.



l like me inside.







Buck, Dorothy, welcome.



-l'm so sorry we're late.

-You're fine.



-Hi, Buck.

-How are you?



Nice area

you got up here, Kenny.



Yeah, we like it.



Yeah. New Benz, l see.



Must have gotten

ripped off on that thing.



l don't think so.

l looked around.



Just joshing, Ken.

Fine vehicle.



Hi, Dorothy. Hi, Buck.



There she is.




-What a beauty.



What is that waist--




Excuse me?



Where's the groom-to-be?



He's not here yet.



You know Paul.

He always comes a little late.



What do you think of that?



Why don't l get us all a drink?



We've already had a six-pack.



We split that on the way up.



Hors d'oeuvres, sir?



Look at the size

of these shrimps.






-There you go, sugar.

-Oh, sweetheart.







-Paul's finally here.



Sorry l'm late.



l was telling

your mother about...



the chef l hired to cater

the rehearsal dinner.



A pharmacist

studying to be a chef--



that is really interesting.



There's a very special lady

in the kitchen...



who can't wait

to lay her eyes on you.



Let's go find Aunt Budge.



l can't wait for you

to meet her.



They are so cute.



Yeah, they're cute.



Buck, are you a duffer?



lf you mean, do l like

playing with my balls...



the answer's yes.



You know what l mean,

don't you?



Oh, shit.



There's Budge,

talking to my cousin Becky.



Oh, my God.



Aunt Budge, this is Paul.



-He's bald.




Oh, God!



l'm so sorry, Becky.

lt is so good to see you.



You look beautiful.



How's life after Ray?




Best decision l ever made.



You know,

you are probably right.



But it is nice to have someone

to come home to.



Oh, God. Sorry.



No. lt's especially

nice to come home...



to that someone

in bed with two girls.



Two girls with one man--

Oh, trust me!



You never walk away satisfied.



Reminds me of the time

me and Kathleen O'Rourke...



who was a bit of a tart--



l'll see where Paul is.



We were down

at the pub celebrating--



-Give me some, will you?

-Oh, no.



-Just a little bit.

-lt's my wine.



Paul? Where'd you go?



What are you doing?



Karen? Hey...



You're asleep?



l guess so.

l lost you somehow.



l got disoriented.



This is really weird.

Why did you just--



OK. The truth is...



l was gonna pop out

and surprise you.



The old

''under the coats'' routine.



But while l was laying here...



it was so warm, l dozed off.



Never mind.

Let's go meet Aunt Budge.



Becky, l found him.

He's up here.



l'll just get my purse.



He exists. l swear.



l know you're in there.






What is wrong?



lt's diarrhea.



Oh, no.



Maybe l should just wait here.



Stick it out--

Or maybe l should just leave.



No! You can't leave.

You haven't met Aunt Budge.



Why don't you wait

and see how you feel in a bit?






Everyone, find your names

and sit down.



l guess we'll sit here.



A lot of fabric's overrated.



l'll drink to that, Bucky.

Where's the drinks?



Sweetie, grab it.



Oh, no. Hey, everyone!



l'd like to make a toast.



Here's to Karen,

the bride-to-be.



Oh, gosh. Thanks, Becky.



That's my car!



Come on, Buck.



Everybody stay back.



Nobody touch anything.

Don't disturb the crime scene.



This isn't a crime scene.



There's your culprit, Daddy.



lt might be a raccoon.

l'll get my salt gun.



l'll check on Paul.

l hope he's feeling better.



Pretty exciting, huh?









Paul, honey, it's Mom!



Did you eat something spicy?

You know how you get.



l got you in my sights.



How'd you like a little

rock salt up your ass?



Holy shit!



Are you all right?



l'm fine!



Honey, just let it come out.



Don't push so hard.



lt's almost there.



-Oh, my God.

-lt's bad.



What's going on up here?



-Paul's not feeling well.

-Stuck on the crapper?



Yeah! Do you think

l can get some...



...privacy, please?






How about some

peach cobbler, everybody?



l'd kill for some diarrhea.



l haven't had

a bowel movement in    days.



We'll see you guys in a bit.



-Better hide the silver.

-l'll walk you to your car.



l'm so disappointed

that you didn't see Paul.



l'll meet Paul later this week.




l'm so sorry about all this.



-Good night.

-Good night, Becky.



How are you feeling?



OK, l guess.

ls everyone gone?



You missed the whole party.



Too bad.

l'm starting to feel better.



lt's better you get sick now

than on Saturday.



That's exactly right.



l just hope

it's out of my system now.



Typical. Forgot my purse.



Becky! Here he is!



This is Paul,

my husband-to-be.



Hi, Becky. Nice to meet you.



So nice to meet you, Paul.



l've heard so much about you.



All lies, l'm sure.






You look so familiar.



l get that all the time.






-You do?




l'll see you this weekend.



Can't wait. OK.



Nice to meet you.



So that's Cousin Becky?




She's gotten so weird.



No, that's mean.

She's so all over the place.



One week

she's working here...



the next week,

she's working there.



Now she's working at some

record store on Broad Street.



l do feel sorry for her, though.



How come?



Her ex-boyfriend, Ray Donovan.

What a psycho.



lt's amazing how fragile

the human body is.



-Don't you think?

-Yes, sir.



Shut the fuck up!



Come on, Ray.

Guy just stole a doughnut.



That's where it starts, Ernie!



How you doing?



Well, hello, fellas.






Special delivery.



That's a little disheartening.



No, no, no!



You did not sleep

with her cousin.



l didn't know

she was her cousin.



Why would you sleep with anyone?



When you have Karen,

who's so stunning...



and witty and delectable...



and has

those little dimples...




-What? You are a moron!



How is it? ls it smoking?



lf you don't love it...



l have double-breasted white one

sitting on the runway.



Talk about a burning-hot look!



Ahmed, that's fine.

This is great.







Anyway, she was cool about it.



Was she drunk?



-What do you mean?

-Wait till she's drunk.



Next Thanksgiving or Christmas.



This Saturday

at your wedding...



after she's had

four gin and tonics...



and she steps up

to the microphone...



and tells the whole world.



That's not gonna happen.




your attention please.



''l think you should know...



''that Karen's husband Paul

nailed me last Saturday.



''We had hot sex

and l'm carrying his child.



''Thank you for listening.

Please return to your entrees.''



That's not gonna happen.



How are we doing in here,




Great, Ahmed! How about it?



l go now.



Right on.



Excuse me, sir?



There's nothing for you

in that stack.



Let me help you with that.



No, l got it. lt's OK!






What does that mean...



''There's nothing for you

in that stack''?



That stuff's too advanced.



You're saying l'm not advanced?



No, l'm just saying l know where

you are musically right now...



and it's not in that stack.



Frankly, l'm not really sure

it's in this store.



Really? When did you

become the music expert?



Since Tuesday, Mr. Shiny Shoes.




Look, l came by to--




for the other night.



And for never mentioning that

you were marrying my cousin!



l didn't know. l'm sorry.



No, don't apologize.



You were amazing.



Well, thank you.



l don't normally sleep

with a girl and then--



Paul, right?



The funny thing is

we didn't sleep together.



We slept together,

but we didn't sleep together.



We didn't?

So l'm not amazing?



l couldn't say.



But for the record,

you were cute.



lf things were different

and you hadn't passed out...



with your pants

around your ankles, who knows?



lf we didn't sleep together,

how did l get crabs?



-You got crabs?

-You gave me crabs.



l do not have crabs!



You don't have crabs?



God, no.

But if l do get crabs...



l will hunt you down

and kill your crabby ass.



Then how did l get them?



l don't know.

Maybe a toilet seat?



Hey, Paul!

Congratulations, man.






Really, that happens?



We saw it a lot in the lab.



-The lab?

-Long story.



She's hot.



Listen, l'm just hoping...



We'll know each other

for the rest of our lives--



l won't say anything.



You say that now,

but what if--



l'm not going to screw up

what you and Karen have.



You are perfect for each other.



That's right. We are.



Why do you say that?



God, you are exhausting.



Buy this. You'll like it.

Trust me.



Record store?



l thought

she was a tiki dancer.



She's just so cocky,

you know?



l know music.

Come on, l see bands.



Why does she think she knows me?



She doesn't

know anything about me.



l'm cool.



l wear on-the-edge clothing

and hip stuff.



Hang on.



Hi, l'm Jim.






What's up with that clock?

lt still says    after  .



Dude, that clock doesn't work.

Never has.






Yes, that's it.



-l'm sorry l'm late.




There was a lot of traffic.



This is our last lesson,

and you are    minutes late.



Look at everybody else.

They're better than us.



All right, let's go.






l hope everybody noticed

Karen and Paul.



They are a textbook example

of what not to do.



Karen, would you mind?



This shouldn't be a chore.

Have fun out there.



Let go. Enjoy yourself.



Come on, Howard.



This time, l'm Karen,

and l want to feel your joy...



as you fling me

around that dance floor.







Good. l am your lady...



and you be my man.



Karen, music please.






One, two, three...



Good, good.



Very good. That's it.



Watch the pretty lady

as she dances around.



And yes, and yes.



That's it.



We're flying, Paul.

Can you feel it?






That's it. Good.



That Howard...



he is so damn graceful,

isn't he?



He's a dance instructor.

lt's his job.



l just mean,

a guy with his frame...



you don't see it coming,

and then...



something magical happens

out on that dance floor.



Paul, seat belt.



People surprise you,

is all l'm saying.



Did you book the string quartet?



l was thinking,

maybe we should do...



something like a band.



String quartet?



l don't know if

that's really our thing.



A band,

playing music we like.



lt's a little bit lighter...



Or we could stick with

the string quartet.



Jump out. Chop, chop.



l'll go find a spot.






Hey, lollipop!



Whoa, easy. Breathe.



Just a little wind

knocked out of you.



There you go.

Bad news, sports fan.



You picked the wrong guy's girl

to fornicate with!






l'm a cop,

and Becky belongs to me.



l think there's a mistake.




Because l had her followed...



and the tail came back

with these photos...



and those skinny arms,

concave chest...



kind of looks like you,

don't you think?









All these sugary snacks!



Would you actually put

this stuff in your body?



OK. All right.



You made the biggest mistake

of your life...



when you messed

with my girl, cupcake.



And mistakes have consequences.



Help! Please, somebody!






Today is your lucky day.



Come on. Come on.



l don't even know you!



Get in.



Get in where?



The dumpster.







Just give me a second here.



You sicken me.



l told you,

there's a big mix-up!



What happened?



l was mugged.



Oh, my God.

Paul, you're bleeding.



What is all this stuff?



Chocolate milk and cheese puffs.



Oh, my God, Paul.



l don't know.

l was carrying the groceries...



and this guy tried

to take them from me.



But l fought back.



l fought like a tiger.



l had the strength of ten men.



He ran away like a little girl.






Did you get a good look at him?



Not really.

lt all happened so fast.



What color was his hair?






Dreaded--in a way

that l've never seen.




-And a gold tooth.



That is so street.




Was he big, tall, short?






Or six-two.



-Somewhere in there?




Any identifying marks?



Yeah. A heinous scar.



Over his left eye.



Your left eye, sir,

or his left eye?



You're pointing to your right.



Looking at him,

his left eye or your left?



His left side.



-You're sure?




Left eye.



He had a tattoo.



A barbed-wire choker tattoo.



Probably gang-related.






Was the assailant

Caucasian or non-Caucasian?






-Was he black?

-Not necessarily.



-What was he?

-Mix. Black, white.



-Black, white.

-Light-skinned black man.



Or a dark-skinned white man.



God, it must have been

so confusing.



Did he say anything to you?



Oh, God, Paul,

did he say something to you?






Don't keep that inside.

What did he say?



-He said...

-lt's OK.



''Give me those groceries,




''Give me your groceries,







But you say he could've

been white himself.



You did say that, sir.



What's going on here?



Am l on trial?

l didn't even do anything!



l told you

it happened all so fast.



You're safe. That's it.

l think we're done here.



That's it for Paul.

Good luck.



We're just trying

to get the facts....



do our job.






Good luck with everything.



You poor thing, sweetheart.



Just sit tight.

l'll get you some aspirin.



Thank you, baby.



l'll be interested to see...



if the police

come up with any leads.



Honey, l don't think they will.



A little mugging...

They have bigger fish to fry.



But they're good men.



What are these?



l don't know.



l'll tell you what they are--

women's underwear.



l found them

in the toilet tank.



The toilet tank?



The water was leaking,

so l went to lift the--



What is going on here?



Did you have a girl

in this apartment?



Karen! Absolutely not!



Those underwear are yours.



No, they are not.



They were gonna be yours.

l got them for you.



For your birthday. Enjoy.



My birthday

was three months ago.



l know.



But then l found

that locket you wanted...



and l gave that to you instead.



l wanted to give these to you

at a later date...



so l went ahead and hid them

in the toilet tank.



Why aren't they in a box?



Why aren't they in a box?



Oddly enough,

that's how they came.



l found them

in an underwear bin.



A bin? Where do they sell

underwear out of a bin?



Spend Mart.



You expect me to believe...



that you purchased

a pair of underwear...



out of a bin at Spend Mart.



ls that your story?






Oh, my God. These are dirty.



What? That's disgusting!



l can't believe those fuckers

sold me dirty underwear!



That is just wrong!



Now l'm really glad

l didn't give them to you.



l'm hungry.

Should we eat something?



Paul, listen to me.

l am not stupid.



Please tell me

what's going on here...



and l want you to be

totally honest with me.



Did you have a girl

in this apartment?



l trusted you,

you son of a bitch!



How do you like that?



No, l did not.






What are you doing?



l'm calling Spend Mart.

They probably want to know...



that they are selling

dirty women's underwear.



Karen, come on,

this whole thing's silly.



l doubt they'll admit

they sell dirty underwear.



l'm sure

it's against corporate policy.



Spend Mart,

where you spend less.



l have a question

regarding your underwear bins.



Underwear bins?



My fiancé has informed me...



that he bought a pair of

dirty women's underwear...



out of one of your bins...



and l wanted to hear

your thoughts on this.



My thoughts?

On our underwear bins?



These are my thoughts.

l'm sick of it.



lt's some college kids

playing a prank.



They been putting

dirty underwear in our bins.




-What did he say?



On behalf of Spend Mart,

l'd like to apologize.



Why don't you have

your fiancé come down...



and we'll exchange them

for a fresh pair...



or refund your money. OK?



Poor bastard.



Underwear bins?



lt's a guy thing.






God, l am really sorry.

l feel terrible.



lt's OK, honey.



l am a terrible person

for accusing you.



No, you are so honest.



l don't deserve you.

Thank you.



l love them.



l knew you would.



Let's just forget about it.



Let's pretend it never happened.



l love you, you love me,

that's all that matters.



One sec!



l got home from work...



and found these pictures

in my son's room.



He was standing over them.



Are we on the same page?



Don't speak!



ln the future,

would you find a way...



to dispose of

your pornography...



so it doesn't wind up

in the hands of children?



Absolutely. l apologize.



-Who's at the door?

-Our neighbor, Mr.--



Minister Ferris.



Mr. Minister Ferris.




l'm Karen, Paul's fiancée.



Congratulations. You move

right along, don't you?



Mr. Minister Ferris stopped by

to recommend a TV special.



Wow, that's great.



Thanks for thinking of us.

We'll keep that--






l've got my eye on you.



OK, then.



That was awfully

thoughtful of him.



l think he was

checking out your crotch.



Karen, he's a man of the cloth.



Let's not rashly accuse him of

being some weird pecker checker.



l've got to go to the bathroom.









Do you smell smoke?



OK. Oh, shit!



ls something burning?

l smell smoke.



l lit a match,

if you know what l mean.



-Do you still have diarrhea?

-Yeah, l do.



l tell you,

you think you got it licked...



it comes right back

to kick you in the butt.



lf this keeps up,

we'll have to plan...



our whole wedding day

around your bowel movements.






Hey, Paul, it's Becky.



Jimmy boy! What's up?



Nothing much, Jimmy boy.



l got a visit from

my lunatic ex-fiancé.



He's got pictures

of us together.



Hey, baby!

Can l get a gin and tonic...



and maybe you in bed?



l don't know what

he'll do with them...



but he's got

a steroid rage problem...



so l'm thinking

that's not a good thing.



That is great news!



What's going on?



lt's Jim.

He got a promotion.






Here's the deal.

Ray's working the night shift.



We can sneak into his apartment

and get the negatives.



You're the man, Jim.



Pick me up at   :  

at the Soho.



You know where that is?



Great. Don't be late

and bring a flashlight.




l want to congratulate Jim.



Six bucks?



l wanted to talk.



You did? l'm sorry.




l'm so glad you called back.




on the big promotion.



Thanks, Karen.

lt was a long time coming.



OK, here's Paul.







You're getting

better at this, buddy.



Hang on, call waiting.






-Paul Morse?




-We found your man.

-You're kidding.



l don't see him in there.

l'm sorry.



Take a good hard look.



Just take your time.



Nope. None of these guys.



Let's motor.

Thank you, gentlemen.



l know he means well,

but l'm ready to get a divorce.



Even the gardener

looks good to me at this point.



The issue is--



Those are my presets!



Who's that?



That's me.

lt's for the wedding video.



You were wearing knee socks.



That's a uniform.

A requirement of the troop, OK?



Hat man!

Look at you in that fedora.



Not every kid

can pull that look off.



My mom said

l looked like lndiana Jones.



Your mom loved you very much.



This is it.

We gotta be quick.



Let's lock and load.



Someone is always

expecting someone.



The trick is figuring out who.



-Who's there?

-Get off the buzzer!



Brian, is that you?



Holy shit!



You didn't mention

that Ray had a dog.



What if he wakes up?




l forgot to mention that part.



Just be quiet,

get the pictures...



and get out of here.



What the hell is this?



l found them!



Wait, what's his name?



Little Ray.



We should run.



Go! Go! Go!



OK, right here!



Hurry! Close it!



We can handle this.



lt's only a dog.

l gotta be smarter than a dog.



OK. Calm down.



Watch this.

You ready, Little Ray?



Good throw. Yeah.



We're screwed.



-What are we going to do?

-Good question.



We're stuck in this bathtub.

lt could be hours.



Ray'll come home,

take a shower...



find us in his bathtub,

and kick my ass!



You're upset.




-Plus, you're on my foot.



God, it's asleep.



l gotta take my boot off.

Help me out.






That is one

weird-looking foot.



Didn't stop you from

trying to sleep with it.



Know what Karen'll do

when she finds out?



-l have an idea.

-She'll call off the wedding.



Her dad's gonna fire me.



Maybe getting

fired by Uncle Kenny...



wouldn't be the worst thing

in the world.



-lt's a good job.

-You like it?



l sell ad space in hunting

and recreation magazines.



What's not to like?






Excuse me...



not everybody can do

whatever they want.



Work five different jobs?



That's not the way

real life works.



Do you smell that?







You've got the smell

of fear all over you.



Can we switch, please?



What about you?



l'm trying some stuff out.

l'd rather do that...



than get stuck doing

something l don't love.



l've never been in a bathtub

with a girl before.



lt's not so bad, is it?






l've got an idea.



lf l slide this door open...



at the same time that

you slide that door open...



we can jump out

while the dog hops in.







Come on, Little Ray.



-You ready?




One, two, three!



Who's the tough dog now?



Why aren't we going out

the front door?



l'll tell you later.

Come on.



l get it.

Take the fire escape like on TV.



Keep your voice down!



l can do this. All right.



Come on, let's go!



l can't.

l'm afraid of heights.



You just walked down

all these stairs.



This is different.



lt's OK. Come on.

We got to go.






Just hold onto the rail.



You got it?



See? lt drops down.



lt wasn't too bad, was it?



Yeah. That was fun.



OK, let's go.



l can't believe l pulled it off.



''We.'' We pulled it off.



We could have been stuck

in that tub for hours.



And l saved your life

on the fire escape.



You're pretty good at this.

Have you done this before?



l love this hill!

Hit the gas!



-What? Here?

-Go! Just trust me!



-All right!

-Go! Go!



Oh, my God!

That was unbelievable!



l've never done

anything like that!



Can we do that again?






That was fun.



Yeah. Good times.



l never thought

l'd do anything like that.



God, it was just amazing.



You know, in the car?






So, l'll see you...



At the rehearsal dinner.









You and Ray,

how'd that happen?



How did l end up with a psycho?






What can l say? Bad taste.






there aren't too many winners

like me out there.



You joke,

but you really are a good guy.



Guys like you are hard to find.



Good night.




You gotta be kidding me.






Caught him with

over an ounce of blow...



in his passenger seat.



That ought to put him away

for a while.



Great bust, Ray.

Go out and celebrate.



Don't be afraid

to rough him up a little.



He likes it.






How about you start

from the beginning?



What beginning?



He pulled me over,

he put the drugs in my car...



and now l'm here!

What do you mean?



lt wasn't working right,

so l panicked...



because l had to be somewhere.



And so l ran out,

and that was the dance lesson.



We know. With Howard.



That Howard.

So incredibly graceful.



You fellas can go.



-Who are you?

-lnternal Affairs.



You were pulled over last night

by Ray Donovan? ls that correct?



-Yeah! But l--

-Do us a favor and shut up.



We know you didn't do anything.






Oh, my God.

So l can go home?



lt's not that simple.

You need to do something for us.



No. l'm getting

married tomorrow.



l have a rehearsal--



Listen, stringbean,

we don't care what you want...



This is about what we need.






Remember also

to keep calm and cheerful.



Don't let petty things

get you off course.



No one wants to be a failure.



No one wants a life

constantly filled...



with worry,

fear, and frustration.



Therefore, remem--



Oh, my God.



Shit, shit, shit.



Hey, mister!



Oh, shit!



lt's Jim.

Where the hell are you?



This isn't cold feet, is it?



l'm really confused.

Are you all right?






OK, so l guess

l'll go stand in for you.



Maybe we'll see you

at the rehearsal dinner.



There he is!

Where you been, buddy?



Karen's got her nuts in a bunch.



Here he is!



Sorry, l'm late.

l know, l know.



-Hi, baby!




There you are.

About time, too.



There's my man!



How did you do this?



lt was nothing.

l thought we'd start...



with the tomato boats

with pickle skippers...



and the asparagus

a la toastette.



And l got a little

roasted rosemary chicken.



Comes out with a crispy skin,

and it's all moist.



Thank you.



Are you OK?



l think so.



Just a little tired.



But this is...

This is incredible.



This is...just amazing.



Nice guy.



And just in case

Mom's recipe disappoints...



-You missed the rehearsal!

-l was stuck in traffic.




-Yeah! Fifty min--



Paul, this is Minister Green.



Let's pray you don't get

stuck in traffic tomorrow.



From your mouth to God's ears.



l have to tell you, Paul...



that l put a lot of thought

into tomorrow's ceremony.



lt will be somber, sacred...



a reminder of what

the true meaning of marriage is.



-That's nice.

-l'm looking forward to it.



Okey-dokey, dinner's ready!



Ken, Sandy, go over there.



Honey, why don't you

come over here?



So, Kenny...



what do you think of the condo?



lt's great.



lt's got a lot of...character.



When l gave up

the bachelor pad...



l said to Dorothy...



''l'll move in with you

under one condition.



''lt's gotta reflect my style.''



The Duke.



Signed by the artist.



Hold on a minute, son.



This is juice.

l prefer the wine.



l'm sorry, ma'am.

Mrs. Cooper--



l don't care what you were told.



l'm strong for an old lady,

aren't l?



Yes, ma'am.



Wine, please.



Honey, you look

very handsome tonight.



l love that sweater on you.




-lt's very sharp.



Are you having fun?







Great party.



l know!

And it's all for us!






l'm gonna slip off

to the powder room.



Go ahead. l'll be here.



-She's very sweet.

-Yeah, l know.



l'll be right back.



Check this out.



What is that?



The cops are on to Ray.

They're making me wear this.



They're sitting

outside listening.



Oh, cool.



Check one. One-Adam-   .



Breaker  - 

this is Ex-Tiki Dancer...



-Who is she?

-Some idiot.



What are you doing?



Oh, my God. Sorry.



l'm wearing a wire.

What are we gonna do?



This gravy

is absolutely heavenly.



Somebody smells really good.

Know what l'm saying?



l suddenly realized--



Did you know this?

l was a surfer.



l had a longboard.



Know what the real

mark of greatness is?



lt's the Duke!



''Why, thank you, pilgrim.''



Out there

riding on the horse...



man versus nature

versus himself!



Because man

fights his own self...



to find out

what it is about him...






l'd like to propose a toast.



To the chicken!



Man, how good is that stuff?



The story of how

Paul and Karen got together...



is old news

to pretty much everybody...



but l like to tell it

because it gives me a chance...



to remind my brother

that l am the one responsible...



for all of his future happiness.



That's right.

She talked to me first.



And if l had not been married

at the time...



l would've whisked her

out of that bar so fast...



it would've

straightened out her perm.



l knew right then

that Karen was a special woman.



She's the kind of woman...



who helps a guy

figure out the answers...



that she would make

an incredible partner...



and a wonderful wife

and mother.



The minute l saw her,

l knew she would be the one.



And that Paul

would be a happy man...



for the rest of his days.



So l raise my glass to Karen.



l wish both

her and my brother...



all of the happiness

in the world.



Well done, Pete! Well done!



Nice job!



You like that, Padre?



lt's got a great beat.



Here's the same thing,

only backwards.



That's Satan, man!



l cannot believe

you mentioned the night we met.



When will you

let me live that down?



How many stories do l have...



about attractive women

hitting on me in bars?



l don't know.



Maybe when cute married guys

don't wear wedding rings...



that is the risk they take.



l actually remember the song

playing on the jukebox...



the night that we met.



Me, too!



You remember the song

that was playing...



the night l met Karen?



lt's one of those songs

that sticks in your head...



and ruins years of your life.



No, Pete,

you are surely mistaken.



''lslands in the Stream''

is a great song.



What does the line...



When we rely on each other,




What does that mean?



lt means that they've come

to realize something...



that they rely on each other...



and as they realize that

they say ''Uh-huh.''



No, they realized the music

was still going...



and they'd

run out of lyrics...



so they made up

some nonsense syllables.



Pete, you're killing me!



-Excuse me.

-That is a beautiful song.



l remember what

you were wearing that night.



You looked so cute,

l thought you had mascara on.



-Hey, Ma.

-Hi, honey.



You got a second?



Sure, baby, it's your night.




-You and Buck.




You're pretty happy, huh?



Yeah. Very happy.

Your stepfather's different.



He's very, very different...



but there's

just something about him.



He gets me.

He lets me be myself.



l've never been happier, honey.



One, two, three, draw!



l think she got you!



l've just never been happier.



Who do you have to know...



to get a little

Grey Poupon around here?






lt's you, in my apartment,

making a sandwich.



lt wouldn't kill you to keep

lettuce in the crisper.



No, it wouldn't, Ray.

Ray's here.



He's coming.

He's right there.



l don't know what you did

to get your butt out of jail...



but you think

you're the only slippery guy...



l've ever dealt with?



No, Ray.



Do you think planting evidence

is all l got?



l got a whole bag of tricks...



including kicking your ass.



You know what?

Bring it on.



Oh, a gift.



How do you like

this package, Ray?



Hey, yo mama!



What did you just say?






l have to ask you to leave now,




That's a death lock.

You ain't getting out.



That's good.



Can l ask you a question?



Yeah, shoot.



How do you cheat

on a girl like Becky?



How do you cheat on a girl

who's funny and beautiful?



Who speaks fluent Chinese?



Who's afraid of heights?

Which is kind of sweet.



Who's such a bad dancer.

And those feet.



A girl who's--Sorry.



Police! Freeze!



Get your hands in the air

or l'll shoot you!



Where were you guys?



You're going away

for a long time.



Whoa! Wait! Hey!



For making a sandwich?



We'll take the tape now.



What? Wow, l...



Hold on. You were wired?



Yeah, Ray, l was.



Son of a bitch!



Get him!



Get off me!

Get off me, mini-cop!



Thanks for your help.



Yeah, big man!

Wearing a wire! Asshole!



This is a disaster.



We didn't all wear bow ties

to school when we were    .



l was eccentric.

lt was a phase.



Are you OK?



Am l OK?

Let me see, Pete.



l woke up with a tiki dancer

in my bed six days ago...



then l found out

she was my fiancée's cousin...



then l got mugged by

her psycho cop ex-boyfriend.



That's right--cop.



l broke into his apartment

and stole his property--



which is a felony--

then l got arrested...



but not for

breaking and entering--



which is probably what

you were thinking--



for cocaine possession.



And as a bonus,

l got crabs from a toilet seat.



-That's bad.

-l got rid of them.



Shit! l forgot to book

the string quartet!



Give me your phone!



This is going to be fine.



lt's going to work out...



and you and Karen

will be together...



which is

the most important thing...



because she is--



Pete, don't start, please!







l forgot to book

the string quartet.



Jimmy anticipated as much,

and l got you covered.



Oh, my God,

thank you so much.






He's on it.



Everything's going to be fine.



-How do l look?




See you out there.



All right, thanks.



Oh, my God.



Ken! Mr. Cooper!

l didn't--



Were you in that stall

the whole time?



l'll tell you

what l'm going to do.



l'm going to overlook

what l just heard.



l believe

that you love my daughter.



And in spite of everything...



you're going to make her happy.



Am l right?



Yeah, but l can explain--



l don't want to hear it.

What's done is done.



But, sir,

l didn't actually do--



Paul, forget it.



We're men. We're hunters.



lt happens.



Here. lt's a butter dish.



And l just gave away

the surprise.






l know that a lot of weird--



fun weird things

happened recently.



You know that stuff

l said about taking chances?



That was all bullshit.



You're a great guy...



and Karen's a great girl,

so congratulations.



See you in there.



How about those pants?

Those look good.



-Hey, Buck!

-How are you?



-Pretty big deal.

-Hi, Sandy!




-Music all set?



-lt's all good.

-You're a little late.



Sorry. Tonya. Chicks.



You brought Tonya?



Yeah. l figured

l'd throw her a bone...



before l dumped her.



Hi, Jim.



l need my lipstick, baby.

Where is it?



What the heck?

How'd that get in there?



Hey, Paul.



We met at your bachelor party.

l'm Tonya.



Yeah. l remember.



You! You didn't warn me

about this cuddle monkey.



He's been writing me poems

and sending me flowers.



Whoa, Tonya.

lx-nay on the oem-pay.



Two days and he gave me

the keys to his apartment.







l love you, cuddle monkey.



Love you, too...honey bear.



OK. Good luck.



Maybe l love her a little bit.



You ready?

Let's do this.



l almost forgot.

The minister's sick.



Something about

the food last night.



What are you talking about?



Who's going to marry us?






Who are they?



What the hell is that?






l know, l know.

lt's rock and roll...



but we just need

to find the beat.



What do you think?

Pretty sweet?



-ls this really necessary?

-Take my arm.



-Take it!

-Take it!



So pretty!



l'm Daddy's little girl,

and you're my great big man.



Now, take me, hold me tight.



One, two, now fly...



Sorry, dear!



You're flying, sweeties!

Can you feel it?



ls this some kind of joke?



This is so embarrassing.



l tried.

People like it, OK?



-lt's not that bad.

-lt sounds like a clam bake!



l had no choice.

l forgot the string quartet.



l give you one thing to do.



-Why did you pick a band?

-l didn't do it!



Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today...



in the sight of God...



...in order to join

this woman, Karen...



and this man, Paul...



in holy matrimony.



lf there is

anyone here today...



who believes that these two

should not be joined...



for all eternity...



let him speak now

or forever hold his peace.



We're going to give you

another minute or so...



to think about that.






Anyone at all.

Anyone with a reason.



lt doesn't even

have to be a good reason.



lf anyone even has

a whisper of a feeling...



that's enough.



That's good enough.



l do.



Hi. l'm Paul.



Hi, Paul.



l think l need to tell

you all something...



before we go any further.



What's happening?



l've done some things

this past week...



that l'm not proud of.



And people kept telling me...



''Don't worry about it.

lt's normal.''



But l think they're wrong.



And l'm going down a road

l don't like.



l don't want to be that guy.



You know what l mean?



This is like an AA meeting.



l was talking about fear

the other day with someone...



and it made me realize

that l can't remember...



the last time l've been afraid.



l mean, really afraid.



l've been playing it safe.



Everything l do is safe.



And marrying Karen--



That's not scary at all.



She's beautiful, she's funny,

she's smart...



she's perfect in so many ways...



but deep down,

we're not right for each other.



Oh, God. Oh, no.



Saying that was scary.



Mr. Minister Ferris?



Yes, Paul.



l don't think Karen and l

should be joined for eternity.






What's that, Pete?



l just realized something

about somebody...



and it made me say...Uh-huh.



That's great, but

l'm in the middle of something.



lslands in the stream



That is what we are



No one in between



How could we be wrong?



Sail away with me



To another world



Because we rely on each other






What l realized is

that l'm in love with Karen.



What the hell is going on here?



Shut your yapping.



Now, this is a wedding.



Paul, would you mind

if l asked Karen to marry me?



Thank you. Karen?



Pete, God, l'd have to...



Well, not right here,

not right now...



but maybe after a few dates.



Oh, Pete!



lt's OK. l'm OK.



These are the days.



Kenny, the good news is

we'll still be in-laws.



Lady, you forget somebody?



Stop the cab.






l was gonna wait for you.



You were great in there.



Listen. l just...



l think l just figured

something out back there.



Because what l said...



l don't think l would

have been able to say...



if it wasn't for you.



And it also made me

realize something else.









Where to, Whitey?




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