Gentlemen Prefer Blondes Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Gentlemen Prefer Blondes script is here for all you fans of the Marilyn Monroe movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free scripts!

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes Script

We're just two little girls

From Little Rock

We lived on the wrong side Of the tracks

But the gentlemen friends Who used to call

They never did seem to mind at all

They came to the wrong side Of the tracks

Then someone broke my heart In Little Rock

So I up and left the pieces there

Like a little lost lamb I roamed about

I came to New York and I found out

That men are the same way everywhere

I was young and determined To be wined and dined and ermined

And I worked at it All around the clock

Now one of these days In my fancy clothes

I'm goin' back home and punch the nose Of the one who broke my heart

The one who broke my heart

The one who broke my heart In Little Rock

Little Rock, Little Rock Little Rock

I learned an awful lot in Little Rock

And here's some advice I'd like to share

Find a gentleman

Who is shy or bold

Or short or tall

Or young or old

As long as the guy's a millionaire

For a kid from a small street I did very well on Wall Street

Though I never owned a share of stock

And now that I'm known In the biggest banks

I'm a-goin' back home And give my thanks

To the one who broke my heart

The one who broke my heart

The one who broke my heart

In Little Rock

Dorothy, wait a minute.

Louie, ask Mr. Esmond to come to our dressing room.

-Yes, Miss Blake. -Why the rush? He won't run away.

-l know, but l can't wait. -For what?

Didn't you notice? His pocket was bulging.

lt's a bag of gumdrops.

lt was square, like a box for a ring. l think he's got a present for me.

Only you can be on-stage with a spotlight in your eye...

...and still see a diamond in a man's pocket.

Thank you, Louie.

-Mr. Esmond. Pray, come in. -Thank you, l'd love to.

-Hi, Gus. -Good evening.

-You were wonderful. Magnificent! -Thank you.

-You were good too. -Gee, that makes me all warm inside.

-Mr. Esmond! -ls it the right size?

lt can never be too big. Do you think it's too small, Dorothy?

-lt should have a highball around it. -Does it fit your finger?

Yes, it fits perfect.

Daddy, l'll bet you made me the happiest girl in the world.

What do you do, put Novocaine on your lipstick?

Daddy? Daddy? May l tell Dorothy?

lf you wish.

Dorothy, Mr. Esmond and l are getting married.

-To each other? -Of course. Who else to?

l always figured Lorelei would end up with the Secretary of the Treasury.

-We're sailing on the Isle de Paris. -''Ile'' de Paris.

-We're getting married in Europe. -Why not get married here, then go?

-Or is that old-fashioned? -We've made our plans.


Come in.

A long distance call for you from Dayton, Ohio.

Thank you, l'll be right there. Must be Father.

l hope nothing's happened. l'll meet you at my table, dear.

Father! Never misses, Gus' old man. Right on cue. Too bad, honey.

Nothing's going wrong this time.

The old boy won't let you commit matrimony with his son.

He'd rather shove him down an elevator shaft.

Dorothy, l'm sailing on Saturday, with or without Mr. Esmond.

And l'm not coming back until he comes and gets me.

When we're in France, where his father can't call twice a day....

Gus will never let you go alone.

Sometimes Mr. Esmond finds it very difficult to say no to me.

Well, that's very possible.


We can't check the roll if you don't stick together.

Peters? Randall? Sanford? Sims?

-Stevens? -Look at that.

Stevens? Willard J. Stevens?

-Why don't you answer--? -l'm busy.


-Boy, oh, boy! -Check your passport over there.

-ls this the way to Europe, France? -To where?

-No, honey. France is in Europe. -Who said it wasn't?

Would you say, ""North America, Mexico""?

-lf that's where l wanted to go. -The dealer passes.

-This ship goes to Cherbourg, France. -Thank you ever so. See?

What's the talent in the blue jackets? A band?

That's the Olympic team. They're sailing on this ship.

The Olympic team, for me? Wasn't that thoughtful of somebody?

-Dibs on the shot-putter. -Dorothy Shaw!

-Remember, you're the chaperone. -Let's get this straight:

The chaperone sees that nobody else has fun.

Nobody chaperones the chaperone. That's why l'm right for this job.

TlCKET AGENT : Passports, please.

l thought you'd be late. Here's your ticket.

They're at the passport desk. You're after the blonde.

The brunette's her friend. We don't care what she does.

-l care. -Have fun, son.

-Come on, guys, let's get on board. -Have a nice trip.

Suppose the ship sank. Which one would you save from drowning?

Those girls couldn't drown.

-Right in here, mademoiselle. -Thank you.

My, it's just like a room, isn't it?

Oh, look! Round windows!

Yes, dear. Just put that there, Frisbee.

And, Frisbee, wait for me on the pier. Lorelei--

-Where's Dorothy? -l don't know.

Someone whistled and she disappeared. Will she be a bad influence?

Dorothy's not bad, honest. She's just dumb.

Always falling for a man just because he's good-looking.

l keep telling her, it's as easy to fall for a rich man as a poor man.

lf they're tall, dark and handsome, she forgets vital statistics.

That's why l'm her friend. She needs me to educate her.

Yes, but very few girls have your wonderful willingness to learn.

-l suppose that's true. -Put this in a safe place.

-What is it? -A letter of credit.

That's sweet! You wrote me before l went away.

-No, a letter of credit is like money. -Money?

-Just take it to a bank in Paris. -That's wonderful!

Write me every day. l'll be so lonesome.

l bought you a little going-away present.

Daddy! Daddy!

There's only one of you in the whole wide world.

Sorry, wrong room.

-Who's that? -A stranger. He had the wrong room.

Good-looking. Hope he isn't just seeing someone off.

Quite a place we have here.

Come in, fellas. Folks, meet the relay team.

-Hi. -How do you do?

We're having a bon voyage party. Put the phonograph in there.

Come on in, everybody. Make yourselves at home. l'll get the glasses.

MAN: Who's got the champagne?

Keep those athletes to yourself.

What a coincidence! That's my plan too.

Gangway! Who needs a glass?

-l want to talk to you. -Sure.

l want to tell you....

l want to remind you of something very....

Stop that, please. lt's most distracting.

Dear, a lot depends on how you conduct yourself on this trip.

As you know, Dad is dead set against our marriage.

Even the slightest hint of scandal.... l don't know what l could do.

My goodness, lover. You don't have to tell me that.

l'd give anything to sail with you, baby.

Me too. l don't know what l'll do without you.

l don't know what l'll do without you.

l'm not so sure. You can be a naughty boy sometimes.

-You don't have to worry about me. -l do, though.



All visitors ashore! First call. All visitors ashore!

Bye-bye, baby

Remember you're my baby When they give you the eye

Although I know that you care Won't you write and declare

That though on the loose You are still on the square?

I'll be gloomy But send that rainbow to me

Then my shadows will fly

Though you'll be gone for a while

I know that I'll be smilin' With my baby by and by and by

-With my baby by and by -In the sweet by and by

Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye

-We'll go meet on the beautiful shore -Baby, bye, goodbye

Bye-bye, pretty baby

You better remember you're my baby

When they give you the eye My, my!

Although I know that you care Won't you write and declare

Declare that though on the loose You are still staying on the square

I'll be gloomy

But send that rainbow to me

Then my shadow will fly

Though you'll be gone for a while

I know that I'll be smilin' With my baby by and by and by

With my baby by and by

I'll be in my room alone

Every postmeridian

And I'll be with my diary

And that book by Mr. Gideon

Bye-bye, baby

Remember you're my baby

When they give you the eye

And just to show that I care

I will write and declare

That I'm on the loose

But I'll stay on the square

I'll be lonely

But even though I'm lonely

There'll be no other guy

Though I'll be gone for a while

I know that I'll be smilin'

With my baby by and by and by

With my baby by and by

I'll be gloomy But send that rainbow to me

PORTER: All ashore! Last call! All ashore! Last call!

I know that I'll be smilin' With my baby by and by and by

Bye-bye, baby Remember you're my baby

When they give you the eye

Although I know that you care Won't you write and declare

That though on the loose You are still on the square

-You better go. -Don't go.

-Step back, please. -Bye, lover!

I know that I'll be smilin' With my baby by and by

And by

With my wonderful baby

By and by

-Hi. -Hi.

-Hi, Miss Shaw. -All right, guys, keep moving.

-""Mr. Amos Jones and valet."" -What are you doing?

Checking the passenger list. ""Mr. Alfred Loman and valet.""

""Mr. Eugene Martin and valet.""

Why the sudden interest in valets?

When a man has ""and valet"" after his name, he's worthwhile.

l'm trying to find a gentleman escort for you.

Don't bother. l just provided myself with about 20.

Dorothy, did you ever hear of a rich pole-vaulter?

Who cares? l like a man who can run faster than l can.

l hate to think where you'll wind up.

You're wasting time on unrefined persons without money.

Did it occur to you that some people don't care about money?

Don't be silly. We're talking serious.

-Do you want a loveless marriage? -Me, loveless?

lf a girl spends time worrying about the money she doesn't have... will she have any time for love?

l want you to find happiness and stop having fun.

-That baffles me. -You'll thank me some day.

Here's a good one: ""Henry Spofford lll and valet.""

l remember. The Spofford family owns practically a whole state.

A big one too. l think it's Pennsylvania.

l guess l could settle for Pennsylvania.

-Hello, Mrs. Henry Spofford lll. -Mrs. Henry Spofford lll and valet.

He won't have anything l don't. See you later.

Don't forget the cocktail party. 5:30.

-The whole team? -Until after the games.

-You eat at 6 and go to bed at 9? -That's right.

Coach is strict.

Holy smoke, 9:00! That's just when life begins.

-Not for us. COACH: All right you guys.


One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Honey, you'll hurt yourself.

I can't play tennis My golf's a menace

I just can't do the Australian crawl

And I'm no better at volleyball Ain't there anyone here for love?

Sweet love Ain't there anyone here for love?

I'm apathetic and non-athletic Can't keep up in a marathon

I need some shoulder to lean upon And a couple of arms to hold me

Ain't there anyone here for love?

I'm not in condition to wrestle

I've never trained in a gym

Show me a man who can nestle

And I'll pin a medal on him

Need some chappie to make me happy And he don't have to be Hercules

Don't anyone know about birds and bees? Ain't there anyone here for love?

Sweet love

Ain't there anyone... for love?

Doubles, anyone?

Court's free.

Two out of three, anyone?

Doesn't anyone want to play?

I like big muscles And red corpuscles

I like a beautiful hunk of man

But I'm no physical culture fan

Ain't there anyone here for love?

Sweet love Ain't there anyone

Ain't there anyone

Ain't there anyone, anyone Anyone, anyone

For love?

-Did you say $50? -Oui.

A tidy sum just to sit at a table.

Supply and demand. Many requests for a seat at Miss Shaw's table.

And the price goes up and up and up. That's inevitable. Je regrette.

Je regrette it more than vous. However, the name's Malone.

Get it down while l can still afford it.

-Bonjour, mademoiselle. -Are you the headwaiter?

-At your service. -l'm Miss Lee.

Oh, Miss Lee. Well, now l understand. What can l do for you?

Put a certain gentleman at my table.

There's nothing l can do for you.

All seating arrangements are completed, final.

ln Atlantic City, all the men at my hotel wanted to sit at my table.

-l can understand that. -Some even gave the headwaiter money.

That happens. What can one do? One takes it.

-That headwaiter had to give it back. -lndeed? Why?

l had all my meals in my room. l didn't come to the table at all.

Naturally the men wanted their money.

-l beg you-- -Do you want me to eat in my room?

That must not be.

lf Mr. Henry Spofford lll is seated at my table....

-lt shall be. -Thank you ever so.

-Hi. -Hi, Miss Shaw. Nice to see you.

My name is Watson. Here we are, all ready for you.

-l need it. -What's the matter?

The entire Olympic team has to be in bed by 9:00. What can you do?

-Write your congressman. -Catch me a pigeon, and l will.

May l present Sir Francis Beekman? A pigeon, if there ever was one.

Note the ruby eyes.

No reason to run me down. Jealous. l have a way with ladies.

lt's that diamond mine of yours. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Cheeky fellow. Good sort, though. What say we sit down?

l understand you're an entertainer. l'll bet you're good.

Thanks. Say, is that on the level? Do you own a diamond mine?

l do. Are you interested in diamonds?

-Not particularly. -You must be an extraordinary girl.

-Will you do me a favor, sir? -Call me Piggie.

-Do me a favor, Piggie? -Anything.

Don't spread it around about your mine. l don't want my friend to hear.

She doesn't care for diamonds?

l'm trying to avoid trouble. Do not tell her about the diamonds.

Did you say ""diamonds""?

Well, well, well! By George, l must say!

No doubt about it, no sirree. No doubt about it at all.

-Miss Lee, meet Piggie. -Delighted! Delighted!

You did say ""diamonds."" l can tell.

l control the second largest mine in South Africa.

But this lady has a friend she doesn't want to know about me.

-l wonder why. -Oh, no, you don't.

Having heard so much about you, l expected you'd be much older.

Me? You don't say. By George! Older than what?

The Pyramids.

l say if a man isn't a certain age, he isn't interesting.

Honey, lay off!

Bless my soul. Care to dance?

l'd enjoy to dance. Thank you ever so.

-Another drink? -No, thanks.

-Need a program to tell the players. -l want to know who the players are.

-Like, who just stole second base? -My name's Malone.

Mine's Shaw, Dorothy. Well, Mr. Malone?

You're the most attractive girl here, so l came over.

-Flattery will get you anywhere. -Then we haven't any problems.

l was wondering why you hadn't shown up before this.

-l had some business to attend to. -Then this isn't a vacation?

Not entirely. There's still a telephone.

-ln fact, l just had some bad news. -Oh?

My best 2-year-old will never run again. He's worth $40,000.

lt's not the money. This might've been good.

-You're not one of those? -One of what?

The kind who tells a girl about his money.

What's wrong with money?

Yes, l'm afraid you are. Go whistle up a rope.


l can't stand rich playboys who think they--

Now wait a minute! l'm not that bad all the time. Sometimes l'm very nice.

Sometimes l speak without thinking.

So you're half sweet, half acid.

-Please, l made a mistake. -Yes, you did.

l got some bad information. Now that l've put my foot in it...

...l remember it wasn't you they were talking about, but your friend.

-Lorelei. -Or am l wrong again?

No, money is rather a hobby of Lorelei's.

Oh, Piggie.

-You're worried about her. -You're very observing.

Am l forgiven?

Considering the man shortage on this craft....

Good. We'll start all over again. l promise that l--

We're gonna be interrupted.

We had a jolly time.

-Mr. Malone, Miss Lee and Piggie. -How do you do?

Piggie is the super-best dancer. So light on his feet.

-l was sure he would be. -You're trying to flatter me.

LORELEl: What's the matter? -My wife.

-l thought it was his mine. -Won't you join us?

-l just have. -May l present Miss Lee?

-Miss Shaw, Mr.... -Malone.

-A pleasure, l'm ever so sure. -Thank you.

We're having a jolly time.

Lady Beekman, that's the most beautiful jewelry l've ever seen.

l'm proud of the earrings. Heirlooms. Been in the family for ages.

You'd never know it. They look just like new.

You might be interested in my tiara. l always have it with me.

Afraid to leave it in my room.

-But not afraid to show it to Lorelei? -Stop. She won't know you're teasing.

Look! Did you ever? Anywhere, anything like it?

All blue stones. Cozy little job, what?

-May l just hold it for a minute? -Of course.

-How do you put it on? -lt goes on your head.

-You must think l was born yesterday. -There's no other explanation.

No, no, my dear. She's quite right. Like so. lt's a tiara.

You do wear it on your head! l love finding new places to wear diamonds.

Excuse me, dear. Miss Lee has promised me this dance.

We've got to dress for dinner. We must go.

Well, all right. Au revoir.

A very pleasant au revoir to you.

My tiara. Thank you.

Poor fella. Two-to-one she locks him in her closet.

-l'd be grateful if she did. -l think he's cute.

You know very well what l mean. You and that-- What are you doing?

Just testing. Wonder what l'll wear it with. How does it look?

Exactly like trouble.

l told the coalition leader that we need a man who can do something about--

Finish your story, dear.

Your table, madame.

Good evening, Miss Lee and Miss Shaw. This is Mr. Crossley. Mr. Franklin.

-Mr. Mason. How do you do? -Mr. Brooks.

How do you do?

-ls Mr. Spofford here? -No, but this is his chair.

-You're here, Miss Lee. MASON: Miss Shaw, you're here.

-Could my friend have your seat? -But of course.

She gets sick if she rides backwards.

-l'm sorry. -Not at all.

-How are we at the same table? -l was assigned this seat.

-How much did it cost? -l can't tell. You'd get conceited.

Enjoying the trip, Mr. Franklin?

How many times have you crossed? lsn't it lonely on the ocean?

l just adore conversation, don't you?

-Mademoiselle, Mr. Spofford is here. -Oh.

Dorothy. Pardon me for whispering. Try to make a good impression.


Right this way, sir. Mr. Henry Spofford.

-Hello. MEN: Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Well, are you traveling by yourself?

No, l've got a valet, a tutor and a trainer.

Well, having heard so much about you, l expected you to be much older.

l'm old enough to appreciate a good-looking girl.

This promises to be quite a trip.

Personally, l don't intend to miss a meal.

How am l doing?

-There's a place. -Ernie, will you get some cigarettes?

l can't get over that passenger list. Calling a young boy ""mister.""

A girl could waste a whole trip to Europe.

Think we better give up the idea?

lf he were 16, you could marry him in Tennessee.

-Drinks seemed like a good idea. -You're a dear boy.

-What's your line, Mr. Malone? -My line?

l tell a girl she has hair like a tortured midnight...

...lips like a red couch in an ivory palace...

...and l'm lonely. Then l generally burst into tears.

-Very seldom works. -You idiot.

-What do you do for a living? -Oh, that kind of line.

Nothing, l'm afraid. Just clip coupons.

-Coupons. That's like money, isn't it? -Very similar.

l'm so pleased. Dorothy's never been interested in anyone worthwhile.

No taste?

No, l'm a hobo collector. l might find room for you.

-She's joking. -l hope not, l'm counting on it.

-Some people don't get her jokes. -l'm gonna try.

Dorothy's the best and loyalest friend a girl ever had.

She'll make a wonderful wife. You'll find out.

-l've got to be going. -Going? Where?

Don't worry. l'm only concerned about you two.

There's a wonderful moon out.

There you are. Miss Lee, will you dance with me?

l'd love to. lf you hadn't asked me, l was going to ask you.

Really? Well, by Jove! l say, will you excuse us?

-Do you remember last night? -Very well.

l mean when we were talking about the moon.

lt reminded you of a moon in Coney lsland.

Could have been the same one. Why?

l remember l was wondering...

...what a rich man like you were doing in Coney lsland.

Oh, well....

l rather thought you'd be in Bermuda or Palm Beach.

Wonder if l should break that up.

They're just dancing in public. Can't make much of a case of that.

You sound like a detective.

Let's go find our moon and forget about your girlfriend.

l'd get in trouble if l pushed Piggie overboard.

Not with me.

Why blame Piggie? lt's not all his fault.

No, l....

Just what did you mean by that remark?

l can't figure out how two girls can be so different and be friends.

Let's get this straight. Nobody talks about Lorelei but me.

She's quite a girl. You just don't know her.

You don't mind if l like you better, do you?

-We settled that quarrel in a hurry. -Now what do we talk about?

Let's talk about you.

For the past hour l've been thinking.

Thinking about doing something.

What have you been thinking, Mr. Malone?


Aren't you clever!

That means, ""Come to my Basha. l'll give you coconut shells.""

The natives believe coconut shells ward off the snakes.

Africa must be fascinating.

A girl like l almost never gets to meet a really interesting man.

-Sometimes my brain gets starved. -Poor little thing.

lt's a terrible thing to be lonesome, especially in the middle of a crowd.

Do you know what l mean?

You'll never be lonesome again. Leave it to Piggie.


-l've got to see Lorelei alone. -Shall l wait in the next room?

lf you like. We're expecting Lady Beekman for tea.

Here? l just remembered, l have another appointment.

l better pop off. Toodle-loo, chin-chin and all that rot.

-That was mean! -Shut up and listen to me.

-You're in a jam. -Me? Why?

What were you doing before Piggie started barking?

-He wasn't barking, that's Swahili. -Before that.

Were you doing anything you wouldn't want Mr. Esmond to see?

-Why, no-- My goodness, yes! -What?

He was telling me about South Africa. lt's dangerous.

Full of snakes called pythons. lt seems a python can grab a goat...

...and kill it by squeezing it to death.

-Get to the point. -That's all.

What's incriminating about that?

Well, Piggie was being the python, and l was a goat.

Oh, Lorelei!

Don't worry! Piggie won't tell anyone!

He won't have to. When Piggie was squeezing the goat...

...Mr. Malone was taking pictures through that porthole.

-Whatever for? -The National Geographic magazine.

Wake up, honey. Mr. Malone has foxed us.

He's been shining up to me to watch you.

l'll bet you anything he's a private detective hired by Mr. Esmond.

Gus is jealous without pictures. He sees that, he'll be absolutely unreasonable.

Yes, he will.

l was gonna kill him, but l thought better.


We'll get the photos if he doesn't know we know.

-l'll get them. He's a man, isn't he? -How?

Charm won't work. He's too smart for that.

-And he was such a doll last night. -Oh, Dorothy!

Boy, will l tell him off once we get the pictures!

-The question is, how do we do that? -Well....

The simplest way is to swipe them. We'll get our warpaint on and go to work.

-Where's Lorelei tonight? -You sound interested.

l am, but not in her.

lf you are interested, l know where we could find her.

Just asking a question.

That's all.


Mr. Spofford, please give me a hand. l'm sort of stuck.

-Are you a burglar? -Heavens, no!

l got locked in. l was waiting for a friend.

-Why didn't you ring for him? -l didn't think of it.

-lf you're a burglar and l help you-- -Please, help before someone comes.

l'm thinking. All right. l'll help you for two reasons.

Never mind the reasons.

The first is, l'm too young to be sent to jail.

The second is, you've got a lot of animal magnetism.

Look, someone's coming.

-What'll l do? -Hold this around your neck, tight.

Good evening.

l say, whatever are you doing up there?

l wanted to see the view from here.

Are you feeling well, my dear?

Yes, thank you ever so. But l must have caught a chill.

-What say we get a spot of sherry? -l can't.

-Sherry's the best thing for a cold. -l couldn't.

You do look flushed. Let me feel your pulse.

No, no, please--

No cause for alarm, my dear. lt's purely medical.

-There's no fever, at any rate. -l'm all right, l'm fine.

-Such a little hand. -Put that back.

So sweet, so tiny, and yet it can hold a human heart.

SPOFFORD: Stop that! -Beg your pardon?

Well l-- Why....

-Laryngitis, l guess. -No doubt.

-l need sherry. Will you get it? -l fly on the wings of Mercury.

SPOFFORD: Just hurry up. -All right, my dear.

How can you stand that old wolf? His intentions aren't honorable.

For heaven's sakes, get me out of here!

Help me over here.

You're all bruised? Malone's been here with me the whole time.

-Mr. Spofford pulled me too hard. -Never mind. Did you get the pictures?

-They weren't there. -Sure?

l looked everywhere. l even looked in the camera shop.

-Then he's got them in his pockets. -He must, darn it!

He wouldn't hide them if he thinks we're buying his act.

Order dinner for three in our cabin and get some drinks.

We'll be there in 10 minutes.

lf we can't empty his pockets, we're not worthy to be women.

l'll have everything ready.

He'll be here in a minute. Are the drinks ready?

Almost ready.

This room's like an oven. Let's turn the heat off.

Leave it alone.

But it's hot, why don't--

Oh, for him. You know, sometimes your brain amazes me.

Thank you. Our drink is water and bitters, so don't make any remarks.

What are you doing?

This is his. Are three sleeping pills enough?

Three's a lot. That's potent stuff.

lf a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing well.


Here we go.

-Come in. -Here are your cigarettes.

-Hi, Miss Lee. -l got cocktails all ready.

-Make yourself at home. -lt's hot in here. Must be 110.

She's afraid of catching cold.

Touch of laryngitis. Here, specialty of the house.

-That's quite a cocktail. -lt's very mild. Let's drink a toast:

There was a fellow named Sidney Who drank till he ruined a kidney

It shriveled and shrank But he drank and he drank

He had fun doing it, didn't he?

-Appetizing. -l know another. Bottoms up.

He looks like he'll explode.

-What are you made of? What was that? -Scotch, vodka, brandy and gin.

Here, try this.

-That wasn't water! -No, straight vodka.

Want some more? What's the matter? Don't you feel well?

-l'm burning up. -Let's take off your coat.

Yes, you'll feel better. You'll cool off. l'll help.

Now you just sit down there. Excuse me a minute.

-Any luck? -Not so far.

Be sure you check the inside pocket.

-lt's not in here. -lt's not in his coat.

There's one other place it could be: his pants.

-We'll have to get them. -Should l do it alone?

-Two heads are better than one. -l suppose so.

lt's ticklish business. We'll stick together.

l nearly went to sleep. Could you turn the heat down?

-He needs a glass of water. -Yes, indeed.

l'd like water, but it's this heat--

Nice glass of water.

Look out!

-Your pants are soaked! -We can't leave him in wet pants.

-l'll put them under the hair dryer. -l'll go and change.

-Don't be silly. You'll catch cold. -No, no! Look--

l won't catch cold! What kind of a party is this?


You're just in time. Get something to put on him.

Mr. Malone doesn't feel well. You better go and lie down.

-l feel like lying down for a month. -Here, put this on.

François'll help.

lt's not fair. Two against one, take a man's pants....

-l don't think it's here. -lt must be.

LORELEl: l've got it! l've got it!

Here. $2.20. Your negatives and positive prints.

And may l say, in the words of my countrymen, ""Ooh, la, la!""

-Thank you ever so. -A pleasure.

Hi. Remember me?

Yes. You're one of the Olympic athletes.

l'm the only 4-letter man on the team.

You should be ashamed to admit it. No, don't say another word.

This is the most contemptible bit of impudence l've ever encountered.

Photographing innocent people! lt's invasion of privacy.

lf a newspaper got it, your wife wouldn't know you were being a snake.

l think l better sit down. Are you sure there are no more?

Positive, Piggie. Do you feel better?

You little angel, you don't even know that...

...a certain type of girl would take advantage of this.

She'd have to be a terrible girl to be mean... a sweet, intelligent, generous man like you.

My dear, let me do something to show my gratitude.

-Thank you ever so! -May l kiss your hand?

A kiss on the hand feels good, but a diamond tiara lasts forever.

-Tiara? -Lady Beekman's. l'd love it.

-Good gracious. -What's the matter?

Wouldn't you rather have some furs or a race horse?

No, thank you.

lt would be hard to explain that l'd given it away.

You're so clever. You could, if you put your mind to it.

-Do you think so? -Of course.

Besides, it's only fair l should have her tiara. After all, she has you.

My dear, my very dear!

-Let's get it now. -Anything you say, my dear.

-Keep an eye on the door. -Oui, monsieur.

All right, Pierre. Take this thing back to my cabin.

l'll stay here. Here's the microphone and a dividend.

Merci, monsieur.

-And leave the door open. -Oui, monsieur.

Lorelei, they're coming-- How did you get in?

-Through the door. -Still snooping around?

Nothing to do with you. l'm paid to watch the blonde--

l'd sure hate to have your job.

Checking up on people is messy work, but only when they're doing things--

Like pretending to make love to a girl while you spy on her friend?

That part of it is not true.

l don't believe anything you say. Go away, Sherlock, you're a wrong guy.

-l'm not wrong about you. -You're only making it worse.

Don't listen, but l'm telling you--

Come on in, you can hear better in here.

Am l intruding, or is he leaving?

l'm leaving. But, Miss Lee, before l go, l'll tell you this.

Sometimes even a mercenary nitwit like you has a decent impulse.

Don't get your friend mixed up in your schemes.

Because l'll rub your nose in them, and l don't want her to get hurt.

lf you've nothing more to say, pray, scat!

That's about all.

Honey, except for telling you l have money, which l haven't...

...everything else l said, l meant. And it wasn't part of my job either.

Think about it.

Why did you just stand there and let him kiss you?

lt's crazy, but l think l'm falling in love with that slob.

You just feel that way because he's poor.

l hope so. Come on, let's change. We dock in an hour.

We want to buy some clothes. You know, hats, dresses.


You know some good places?


That's where we want to go first.

-This has been fun, hasn't it? -Yes.

lt's the first time l've shopped without a man along.

You were a big help. l've never spent so much money so fast.

-A pleasure. -ls that enough?

-Thank you. -We'll be seeing you.

Bonjour, madame.

Bonjour. l am the manager. May l help you?

Certainly. Show me a place to take my shoes off.

Dorothy, a lady never admits her feet hurt.

Have you reservations?

Yes. ln the name of Mr. Augustus Esmond.

-This is Miss Shaw, l'm Miss Lee. -Hi.

Oh, yes. We have been expecting you. This way, please.

-Well! -l thought we'd lose you in Paris.

-Are these the persons you spoke of? -Yes.

Lady Piggie. l mean Beekman! What a pleasant surprise.

l dare say. You may proceed, Pritchard. This person is Miss Lee.

l represent the Suffolk lnsurance Company.

l never buy insurance.

Mr. Malone needs it in his business. What is all this?

lf you return the tiara, l'm willing to forget this squalid incident.

Allow me to clarify. Lady Beekman's tiara has been reported as stolen.

-What's that got to do with us? -lt's in your possession.

-Absolutely not! -Let Lorelei talk for herself.

She'll do better than that. She'll sue you for slander! Tell them.

-We're waiting. -None of your business.

lt's very much our business.

Just tell them you haven't got it-- Oh, Lorelei, you didn't!

l did not steal the tiara.

-Then how is it in your possession? -That's my affair.

-That's one explanation. -Lord Beekman knows. Ask him.

We've already done so. He denied knowing anything about it...

...and departed for Africa.

-Piggie wouldn't do that! -Are you going to give back the tiara?

l wouldn't dream of it. lt's mine. l'm keeping it.

That remains to be seen. Come, Pritchard.

-You'll find that l mean business. -Then why are you wearing that hat?

-l want to talk. -My mind's made up.

The simplest way out of this is to give it back.

l do not care to converse with you. We won't be in to him during our stay.

-l regret you will not stay here. -What now?

Esmond canceled your reservation and letter of credit.

-After hearing from you. -That's right.

l don't believe it. Mr. Esmond wouldn't do that. Did he?

Exactly. He refuses responsibility for your bills.

-We've just spent all of our money. -That's not our concern.

Let's get out of here. l hear your plumbing is noisy.

lf you need help, l'm at the Elysée Hotel.

You hold your breath till l call.



When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

This one thing I know

When love goes wrong

A man takes flight

And women get uppity

The sun don't beam

The moon don't shine

The tide don't ebb and flow

The clock won't strike

A match won't light

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

The blues all gather round you

Crazy, mademoiselle!

And day is dark as night

A man ain't fit... live with

And a woman's a sorry sight

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

When love goes wrong Nothing goes right

Do it, honey! Do it!

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes, nothing goes right

When love goes wrong Nothing goes right

Bees don't buzz, fish don't bite Clock won't strike, match won't light

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

A woman's a fright, a terrible sight

Man goes out, gets high as a kite Love is something you can't fight

You can't fight it, honey.

When love goes wrong, nothing

No bows, honey, just eight bars and off.

Nothing goes right

Just in time.

It's like we said You're better off dead

When love has lost its glow

So take this down

In black and white

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

When love goes wrong

Nothing goes right

Oh, dear.

-Right over there, monsieur. -Thank you.


Hello. You remember Mr. Esmond, don't you?


Why not say hello? He used to be a friend of ours.

-Nice to see you again. -Yes, indeed.

Lorelei. Lorelei, wait!

l've flown the Atlantic Ocean to talk to you.

-You can come in. lf you don't mind? -l don't mind if you don't mind.

-Mr. Esmond? -Thank you.

Aren't you even gonna say you're sorry?

l won't fall in love with a man who won't trust me, no matter what l do.

""No matter what--""? That's being unreasonable.

Well, goodbye, then.

How can l trust you after all Father's found out?


-We're ready to dress you. -Be right there.

Lorelei, l--

Men like you have made me the way l am.

lf you loved me at all, you'd feel sorry for my troubles...

...instead of holding them against me. Don't say another word.

l wasn't gonna say anything.

You have a tough time. lf you want to get upset, watch her next number.

You mean....

Oh, dear. Thank you.


No, no, no, no, no, no



No, no, no, no, no

No, no

No, no, no, no, no, no, no


The French are glad to die for love

They delight in fighting duels

But I prefer a man who lives

And gives expensive jewels

A kiss on the hand May be quite continental

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

A kiss may be grand

But it won't pay the rental On your humble flat

Or help you at the automat

Men grow cold as girls grow old

And we all lose our charms in the end

But square-cut or pear-shaped These rocks don't lose their shape

Diamonds are a girl's best friend



Black, Starr, Frost, Gorham

Talk to me, Harry Winston Tell me all about it!

There may come a time When a lass needs a lawyer

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

There may come a time

When a hard-boiled employer Thinks you're awful nice

But get that ice Or else no dice

He's your guy when stocks are high

But beware when they start to descend

It's then that those louses Go back to their spouses

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

I've heard of affairs That are strictly platonic

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

And I think affairs that You must keep liaisonic

Are better bets If little pets get big baguettes

Time rolls on And youth is gone

And you can't straighten up When you bend

But stiff back or stiff knees You stand straight at...

... Tiffany's



I don't mean rhinestones

But diamonds

Are a girl's best

Best friend

-How did Gus like your number? -He looked kind of grim.

Hand me my hat, please.

He is sweet, isn't he? l really do love Gus.

You do?

There's no other millionaire with such a gentle disposition.

He never wins an argument, does anything l ask...

...and he's got the money to do it. How can l help loving him?

l guess so. Let's don't talk about love.

lt reminds me of Malone, the human ferret.



The police are here! They have a warrant for your arrest.

lt will get in the newspapers. lt will hurt my business.

Give up that tiara.

lf l give it back, it's admitting l stole it.

You're in a strange country. You can't prove you didn't steal it.

Do you want to go to the Bastille?

-l guess l'll give it back. -Where is it?

-ln there. -Come on, let's get it.

-Oh, Dorothy. lt's just not fair. -No, of course not.

lt's gone!

What? Are you sure this is where you left it?

Yes. lt's been stolen! lt's been stolen!


The cops! Sister, we really are in a jam.

Come on.

-l'll give you a boost. GUS: Lorelei? lt's me, Gus.

-He's your best chance. -He can't boost me any higher than you.

GUS: Lorelei?

Just a minute. Either you hock your stuff or get the money from him.

-How much will a tiara cost? -15,000 at least.

-That'll take an hour and 45 minutes. -l'll take care of the gendarmes.


You're not the only one here with hidden talents.

GUS: Lorelei? -Coming!

You can come in now.

l've made up my mind. We're through. Through forever.

-First l want to kiss you goodbye. -Very well.

No, no. Not in front of everybody. Come on in, Daddy darling.


-This is your flight. -Thanks very much.


-Until you finish customs-- -l want to speak with this gentleman.

-Well? -Have a nice trip?

-My son, where is he? -ln the café where the girls work.

l explicitly told you to stay with him.

He can't be left alone with that blonde man-trap.

He's perfectly safe.

Right now, the man-trap is in court explaining things to the police.

-That's better. -We'll go when you're through customs.

l'll be right with you.

l beg your pardon.

Sir Beekman. l heard you'd gone to Africa.

What'd you say? My name is not Beekman, l'm Amos Finch.

All right.

Don't be in such a rush. You're the chap on the boat?

l am.

-l was joking. Of course l'm Beekman. -You're sure?

My plane leaves in an hour. Do you know where to find Miss Lee?

-l think so. -Give her a message after l've gone.

Tell her that l had no choice. What l did, l had to do.

She'd understand if she knew my wife.

Tell her l know money means nothing to her.

-But l'll make it up to her. -l'll tell her.

Thanks awfully, old boy. lt'll be a great favor.

-All right, take me to this young lady. -Yes, sir.





-You will please swear, Miss Lee. -Oh, judge, l never swear.

Swear to tell nothing but the truth. Will you do that?

-Well, yeah. Thank you ever so. -Sit down.

You are being held for trial for a charge of grand larceny.

The plaintiff attests you stole a headpiece of diamond, a tiara.

My goodness, judge, a girl needs time to think.

You're so much more intelligent than poor little me.

Won't you tell me what to say?

-Please to answer the charge. -Yes, l was going to.

l was just thinking. lt was all a terrible misunderstanding.

You see, sometimes life is very hard for a girl like l.

Especially if she's pretty like l and has blonde hair.

We can do without the philosophy. Facts only.

Mr. Pritchard is a little confused and would like to ask a question.

l can hardly blame him. What is it?

He doesn't see well, and would like to look at Miss Lee more closely.

Permission granted.

Mr. Pritchard, how nice to see you!

Yes, Miss Lee-- You are Miss Lee, aren't you?

That's who l am, all right. But my friends call me Lorelei.

l hope you're my friend. l love to have handsome gentlemen be my friends.

My eyes are not that good.

-Have you ever heard me sing? -No.

-Are you sure? -l've not had the pleasure.

Thank you ever so!

A kiss on the hand May be quite continental

But diamonds are a girl's best friend

A kiss may be grand

But it won't pay the rental On your humble flat

Or help you at the automat

Men grow cold as girls grow old

And we all lose our charms in the end

Square-cut or pear-shaped These rocks don't lose their shape

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

This is not a cabaret! Stop that woman!



Black, Starr, Frost, Gorham

Talk to me, Harry Winston Talk to me

Did you hear me? Stop her! Get her to the witness stand!

The rest of you take your places.

You are fired!

How could my son get mixed up with that type of girl?


Now, young lady, we're here to dispense justice.

Not to watch a cabaret show. You understand me?

-Yes, judge. -All right.

Did you or did you not steal the diamond tiara?

Oh, no, sir. l did not steal it.

The fact is, Lady Beekman's husband gave it to me.

Your Honor! The defendant is not--


-You have evidence for this case? -Yes, l have.

Before he talks, could l explain something?

JUDGE: Go ahead.

l have a friend named Dorothy, and she's a really good friend.

She knows l would never do anything really wrong.

-Do you have to say this? -Yes, sir, l do.

There's a young man that Dorothy likes. She's very fond of him.

Dorothy would never speak to this man again...

...if he did anything to hurt me, Lorelei.

So l think this young man had just better know that...

...Dorothy thinks she's in love with him.

Mr. Esmond, l resign. l just quit the case.

Are you crazy?

But l like it that way. Judge, l've changed my mind.

l haven't anything to say.

JUDGE: This becomes more and more confusing.

But the solution is simple. My decision is this:

The property will be placed in this court's custody...

...until the owner can be established by an affidavit from Lord Beekman.

Now, Miss Lee, you will give me the tiara.

-But l can't. JUDGE: lf you refuse, you go to prison.

l just haven't got it. lt was stolen.

l think l know where that thing is, and who's got it.

JUDGE: Who are you? -A private detective.

Give me two policemen and wait half an hour. l can settle this.

Anything would be better than this. Go with him.


There he is.


What's that?

What's he saying?

Speak English! This is outrageous!

l'm a British subject!

This is positively outrageous! l demand a lawyer.



-What did you say? -He says remove your hat.

Why doesn't he say so? Send for the consulate.

-l'll take this. -Give that back.

This is Sir Francis Beekman. And this is the missing tiara.

-That's mine! -Miss Lee will be glad to return it.

l certainly would.

l believe His Honor asked Miss Lee for the tiara.

-l say, that isn't-- -l wouldn't go into that, Mr. Finch.


-Miss Lee. -Thank you.

-Your Honor. -Thank you.

Thank you.

-Monsieur Pritchard. -Thank you. Your Lordship.

Thank you.

Case dismissed!

Five minutes ago you said you'd marry me.

-That's before Dorothy phoned. -What made you change your mind?

She just said everything's okay now.

l don't quite understand-- Oh, dear. Hello, Father.

Hello, son.

l know why you're here, and l don't care. l'll make her marry me.

That's wonderful.

l presume this is the young lady? A pretty girl. American?

Yes, except on my parents' side. They're lrish.

l'm delighted. l've wanted to see you married for a long time.

Anybody but that monster, Lorelei Lee.

But, Mr. Esmond, l am Lorelei Lee!

Pretty early to start teasing your father-in-law.

-What's the matter, Father? -Nothing. l can take a joke.

What joke? This is Lorelei. This is nothing to joke about.

l don't have my driver's license with me, but take my word for it.

Look, that's l. See my name?

FATHER: Oh....

l'm too old for this sort of thing.

-l don't understand. -You don't understand?

How do you think l feel with thousands of Lorelei Lees around me?

But you're not marrying any of them!

l love her. l love her very much. l've never felt--

Oh, shut up! Young lady, you don't fool me one bit.

l'm not trying to. But l bet l could.

You might convince this jackass, but you'll never convince me.

-That's too bad. l do love him. -Certainly. For his money.

No! Honestly.

You expect me to believe that you aren't marrying him for his money?

-lt's true. -Then why do you want to marry him?

-l want to marry him for your money. -There!

That's why we need his consent, silly.

We're getting down to brass tacks. You admit you're after money.

No, l don't. Aren't you funny?

Don't you know that a rich man is like a pretty girl?

You don't marry her just because she's pretty.

But, my goodness, doesn't it help?

Would you want your daughter to marry a poor man?

You'd want her to have the most wonderful things in the world.

Why is it wrong for me to want those things?

Well, l concede that--

Say, they told me you were stupid. You don't sound stupid.

l can be smart when it's important. But most men don't like it.

Except Gus. He's interested in my brains.

-No, that much of a fool he's not. -You've changed your mind?

-l just don't know what to tell you. -Daddy?

Not you. l guess l mean ""Sonny.""

Give me three minutes alone with your father.

-Run along, darling. -Yes, dear.

Now, about what we were speaking.

There's a great deal to consider. l just can't answer....

Please, take your places.

Remember, on your wedding day it's all right to say yes.

We're just two little girls From Little Rock

And we lived on the wrong side Of the tracks

But at last we won the big crusade

Looks like we finally made the grade

Square-cut or pear-shaped These rocks don't lose their shape

Diamonds Diamonds

Diamonds are a girl's... Diamonds are a girl's... friend

Donated by SergeiK