Girl Next Door Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Girl Next Door script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Elisha Cuthbert, Emile Hirsch, Timothy Olyphant, James Remar, yadda yadda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Girl Next Door. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Girl Next Door Script



[Woman Moaning]

How do you want me?



[Man] Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Just, uh...



Just get comfortable.



[Woman Chuckles]

I'm a little nervous.



Nah, you're doing great.



[Camera Winding, Clicking]



A little to the right

there, gorgeous.



Okay. Like this?



- Oh, that-a-girl.

- [Chuckles]



[Man Chuckles]





You ready?



- Yeah.

- [Girl] You're blushing, Dorothy.






Okay, and big smile.



[Girl's Voice] Kathy Regan.

I will always remember...



- [Shutter Clicks]

- the game against Fairfield.



That one final kick.



State champions, senior year.



[Boy's Voice]

Hunter McCaffrey.



I will always remember

all the great times...



with the dirty dozen

and mackin'all the honeys.



Cindy K., Tina B.,

Michelle H.




Just too many to remember.



- Yeah!

- [Boy # ] I'll always remember...



lacrosse champions.



All the glory days

with the boys.



[Boy # ]

I will always remember...



the math club madmen.



- Look   .

- Making the perfect fake I.D.s.



Which lasted six seconds.



- [Boy # ] Troy Cochran.

- [Boy] Troy "Cock ring."



- Troy gives good head.

- Fuck you.



- I'll always remember...

- Seniors!



- [Yells]

- the senior prank.



Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!



[Pop, Air Hissing]



#[Dance Rock]












[Boy # ] Matthew Kidman.

I will always remember...






Yeah, well, I told her

I wanted to try out.



[Man] We'd like to honor

a student who has shown

outstanding leadership.



We have no doubt

that someday...



he will be one of the great politicians

in Washington.



The award for the brightest

leader of tomorrow...



Matthew Kidman.



- I'm in! I'm in!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!



Georgetown's taking you?



#[Alternative Ballad]












[Bell Ringing]



- [Sighs]

- [Boy] Hey, Jenny.



- Do you have the fever?

- No.



Why? Do you?



I don't know. Maybe.



How about you?



I just gotta fuck somethin'.



I said everybody say "ho"!






You know what I say?

I say this prom is gonna be off the hook.!



Do you feel me?




Security's gonna be tight.

Get wasted before you show up. Yeah!



That's enough.



That's enough.

I can wait.



I can wait, people.



Now, here's your

student council president...



who has a few

announcements to make.



Thanks, Mr. Salinger.



- All right. How you doin'?

- [Scattered Clapping]



Okay, uh, let's start off

with Operation Get Samnang.



Samnang, baby!



- [Cheering]

- Yeah.



Uh, well, we did it.



Uh, we raised the $     .



So now we can bring the genius

Samnang out of Cambodia...



and bring him here

to study at Westport.



Speaking of which, um,

Samnang sent us a new tape.



Show that shit!



- [Cheering]

- Show it.!



Hi, everyone.

It's Samnang.







I'm very excited

to be coming soon.



- Are you excited?

- Yeah!



I told my class that I'm coming to America.

They were sad.



- But I am so happy.

- [Boy] I want to bang you!



- Go, Cougars!

- Yeah!



[Boy] How do they skip class

every day and go to the beach?



Because they just don't care.



Let's go with 'em.



- Seriously. Let's just do it.

- Why?



Because, I mean,

we never do anything.



I mean, we're graduating.

We should be going nuts right now.



- Let's just do something.

- I am doing something. I'm going to class.



Klitz, you already got into Yale.

I mean, it doesn't matter anymore.



- Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.

- Well, why don't you go?



- Yeah, come on. Let's go.

- Beach is for fags, Matt.



- The beach is for fags?

- Yeah.



You know what?

You guys are fags.






Everyone to the beach!



Let's go.!

Lock 'em and load 'em, dude.



Fuck it.



[Engine Starts]



[Hooting, Cheering]



[Man On Stereo]

Personal power.



Personal power means

the ability to act...



the ability to take action.



There are three steps

to personal power...



that are necessary

to produce the results.



And here's number one step

to personal power.

It's called energy. Energy.



When you wake up

feeling truly lethargic...






Oh, shit.



- [Siren Wailing]

- F...



Hey.! Pull it over.!



Pull it over.! Pull over.!







Oh, you're home early.



Yeah, I postponed yearbook.

I gotta work on my speech.

Hi, Mr. Peterson.



- Mr. President.

- Mrs. Peterson.



- Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you.



Congratulations. Georgetown. Wow.

You must be flyin'



Yeah, it's pretty cool.



What's the speech

you're working on?



It's for this scholarship I need to get

so I can actually go to Georgetown.



It's, um...

It's pretty expensive.



Yeah, what kind of scholarship is it?

I mean, what do they give it for?



It's for the student who best demonstrates,

um, moral fiber.



Ah, moral fiber.

Well, that's...



- [Mrs. Peterson] Oh, I'm sure you'll get it.

- Thanks. I hope so.



There's some stiff competition,

and they only pick one of us.



So I'll just, uh, have to blow them away

with my speech.



Okay. So, why do I deserve

this scholarship?



Well, John F. Kennedy

once said...



"Ask not what your country

can do for you...



but what you can do for..."






- #[Ends]

- [Matthew]

Look, I don't know who she is.



I'm just saying that

this girl was unbelievable.



I mean, she was

like this angel.



I mean, she had this smile.

I mean, you should have seen it.



- So, did you bang her?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I banged her.



- That's what a man does. Okay?

- Yeah. Okay, Eli.









Oh, my God.

She's so hot.



- What channel, dude?

- No. The... The girl next door.



- I can see her through my window.

- How's the rack?



God, who is this girl?



- How's the rack?

- Hold on. Relax.



No, dude. You relax.

Be a man and go over there.




Okay. Say what?



I don't know. Get off your ass

and do something. Fuck!






- Hey, what are you doing?

- What?



Hey, dude, seriously,

I told you. It really freaks me out...



- when you watch that

while you're talking to me.

- Shh.



Just learn to like it.



Oh, my God.



What? Matt, what?



- Matt.

- [Phone Beeps Off]



- [Rings, Beeps On]

- Dude, what the fuck?



[Beeps Off]






[Front Door Opens]



[Footsteps Approaching

On Sidewalk]



[Doorbell Rings]



- [Mrs. Kidman] Yes?

- [Woman] I'm sorry.



[Continues, Indistinct]



- Dan.

- [Mr. Kidman] What's going on?



[Mr. Kidman]




Matthew, come down here.



What are you doing up there?



- Nothin'.

- Come down here.



[Mrs. Kidman]

This is Danielle.



You know Mrs. Clark

from next door.



Well, Danielle's her niece.



Danielle just told us

something very interesting.



[Mrs. Kidman] Mrs. Clark is in Africa

for two weeks with her church group.



Did you know that?



- Um...

- Well, anyway, Danielle

just came in from Los Angeles...



and she's house-sitting

while her aunt's away.



Why don't you

show her around?



- Such a long road, you know.

- [Tires Screech]



Uh, what are we doing?



- Did you like what you saw?

- What are you talking about?



- Okay. I saw... I saw you for, like, an instant.

- An instant?



Yeah. It was... It was no...

It was no big deal.



No, no. It... It was...

It was a...



It was a big deal,

but it's just that...



I didn't...



I'm... I'm sorry.



I'm sorry.



So, what are we gonna do

about this?



Uh, I mean, l... I said...

I said I was sorry.



- What?

- You saw me.



Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna strip

right here.



Are you... Are you serious?






Uh, no.



No. Never gonna happen.




The whole package.



- No, come on. This is good enough.

- [Horn Blares]



Jesus! Come on.

Will you relax?



- [Chuckles]

- Frickin' psycho.



There. You happy now?



[Tires Squeal]



- Yep.

- Hey!









Jesus. Sorry.






- [Chuckles]

- You're an asshole. It's not funny.



- It's a little funny.

- #[Ends]



- [Laughing]

- Come on.



Let me in. Let me in.



- [Chuckling]

- It's not funny.



It's a little funny.









So, what else do you do

besides torture people?



- Seriously. What's your story?

- I don't know.



I kind of just quit my job.



I want to start over,

maybe go to college.



So, uh, are...

are you here alone or...



What? What?



Just ask.



[Chuckles Nervously]



Do you have a... a boyfriend?






Aren't you gonna ask me

if I have a girlfriend?



- No.

- Okay.



So, you're about to graduate.

You must be going nuts right now.



Yeah. I mean, uh...



it's just been, uh...

been off the hook, you know.



- Really?

- Yeah.



So, what's the craziest thing

you've done lately?



Oh, I mean, it's...

it's hard to tell, you know...



because we've... I've just

done so much nuts stuff.



I mean, it's just off the hook,

off the walls. I mean...



You haven't done anything,

have you?






It's kind of... It's kind ofbeen

my problem lately.



Come on.

There's gotta be something.



What about your girlfriend?



Okay. We can figure this out.

You just... You need a girl.



What kind of girl?



Definitely someone cute.



- Definitely.

- [Chuckles]



Someone who can

make him laugh.






But he also needs

someone who's gonna push him.



Someone who's gonna

make him do things...



he never thought

he could do.



Like stripping

in the middle of the street?



- Well, thanks for the ride.

- No problem.



Well, um,

good night.



Good night.



- Good night.

- "Good night"?



What are you, gay?

I would have nailed her.



- First of all, you wouldn't have nailed her.

- Whatever, dude.



And, you know, secondly, you know,

the vibe was not right.



The vibe wasn't right?

Dude, she comes to your house,

and she makes you strip.



What does she have to do?

Sit on your face?



- Ow.

- Come on, bitch.!



- [Groans]

- Damn.



- Should have kissed her.

- You okay? Dude?



All right. You all have

this graph, correct?



Good. Let's move along then.



Now, it's a very simple

equation here.



Can anybody give me

the answer to this?



All right. If no one knows

the answer to this...



Questions on this?






- [Tires Squeal]

- [Danielle Squeals]



[Laughing] Whoo!



- #[Continues]

- Yeah!



Good news, ladies and gentlemen.

Pop quiz time.






- #[Ends]

- [No Audible Dialogue]



That's Samnang Sok.

He's this complete genius.



So we raised all this money for him

to come here and study at our school.



Who's we?



Well, I mean,

l... I did, but...



but, you know, he could be

the next Einstein, you know.



You know,

he could cure cancer.



Let's go.



- So, what do you want to do?

- [Chuckles]






- I'm not stripping again.

- [Chuckles] Come on.







Come on.

Where are you going?



Hey, come on.

Let's get out ofhere.



How do you know

no one's home?



- I don't.

- Come on.



Seriously. This is nuts.






- Ooh, boxers.

- I always wear boxers.



You just caught me

on a weird day.









what's the craziest thing

you've done lately?



Uh, this is right up there.



Oh, my God.



- Uh-oh.

- That's...



- That's Mr. Salinger.

- Who?



That's... That's my principal.

Seriously. Let's go.



- It's not funny.

- It's a little funny.



Hey. Hey.



Just go with it.



[Matthew Laughing]

Go, go.



[Man And Woman Moaning On TV]



- Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable

watching this with you.

- Shh.



Dude, learn to like it.



[Doorbell Rings]



I'm all wet.

Can I come in?



Uh... Uh...






Hey, guys.

Uh, this is Danielle.



You must be Eli

and Klitz. Right.



Hey, come on.

We're... We're all goin' out.



- Can I use your bathroom first?

- Oh, uh, it's... it's over here to the left.






- Dude.

- I know.



- Dude.

- I know.



#[Rap Rock]



- #[Continues]

- [All Yelling]



- Dude, what are we doing here?

- Yeah, I know.



Guys, seriously, it's gonna get broken up,

like, any second now, right?






- [Glass Shatters]

- Hey, relax!



- Chill out!

- #[Continues]



- Fuck off.

- Sorry.



- #[Ends]

- Go.



- So, what do you want to do?

- Let's just chill.



Hi, guys.



Hey. Is this your party?



No, it's a friend of mine's.



- I'm Hunter.

- Danielle. This is Matthew.



- Hey, man. What's up?

- What's up?



Can I get you guys

something to drink?



- Yeah.

- Hey, man. What's up?



- Can you come here for a second?

- Yeah.



- Oh, no, it's cool. They're pals.

- Oh.



- What's up?

- Yeah, man, this party's gettin' kind of full, bro.



- Yeah. So?

- So you're gonna have to take off.



- Really?

- Yeah.



Okay, but, um...



- I'm... I'm with her.

- Oh, it's cool, dude. She's taken care of.



There's the door.



Drink it!




Kevin's here.!



Yo, man.



When's Samsung gettin' here?



- Samnang.

- Yeah.



Whoo.! I love him.



Dude, I'm gonna do that little guy

when he gets here.






- Cool, dude. I'm sure he'll like that.

- Whoo! Samnang!



Excuse me.



- Dude.

- I know.


















What's up?



- What?

- You're coming with me right now.



Everybody out.

Let's move.






I said out, minions!



- Shit.

- Move.! Move.! Faster, you little maggots.



- So how's everything going?

- Fine.



Is everything, you know,

okay at home?



All right. What?



Perhaps you should

have a seat.



- Perhaps you should bite me.

- Perhaps.






we live in a crazy,

mixed-up world.




but, oh, so beautiful.






Ooh, excellent, grasshopper.



And now for the final task

of your training.



You're gonna need a harder piece

of wood than that, cowboy.



- That's not her.

- Yeah, it is.






- [Moaning]

- Oh, no.



Oh, yeah.






Matt, Matt. Dude, you're missin'

the best part.



Matt. Dude.! Matt.



Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Settle down, tiger.



- I know. I know.

- It's not funny. Seriously, get away from me.



- Dude, don't mess this up.

- Mess what up?



Matt, she's

a porn star, okay?



Take her to a motel room

and bang her like a beast.



- Eli, I like this girl.

- And you can still like her

with your penis inside her.



- [Scoffs]

- [Girl Groans]



Matt, I'm telling you, you're gonna

regret this. What would J.F.K. do?



You know

he'd tap that ass.



- Eli, I'm never gonna see her again.

- You know what? Fine.



- Fine.

- Fine!



Goddamn it, Matt.

I swear to God...



if you don't fuck her,

I'll kill myself!



Matt, please, please, Matt!



Fuck her for me!

For me!






- Oh, Marci, you're so funny.

- Oh, thanks.



- [Laughing]

- I just saw you naked.



- What?

- Oh, don't worry, honey.

You were only two days old.



- Let's see what else we have.

- What are you doin' here?



- I just came here to say hi.

- Hi.



Oh, look at this one of him.






Hey, buddy.



- What?

- [Danielle] That one's the best.



That's such a good one.



- Here you go, Danielle.

- Oh, thanks.



[Zipper Unzips]






- Thatta girl.

- This is a cute one.



[Mr. Kidman]

Ohh, who's your daddy.



So, you were going to school

in Los Angeles?



For a while. Uh, but then I started

working on other things.



Oh. What kind of things?



Let me show you.






- Jesus!

- [Yelps]



- Are you okay?

- Yeah. I don't know. I, um...



I don't feel so good.






What can I do

to make you feel better?



[Danielle's Voice Moaning]

Oh, yeah.



- [Moaning]

- [Matthew Moaning]



I think I'm feeling

a lot better now.



- Really? We can go out another night.

- No, we're going out tonight.



- Are you sure?

- Positive.



- Look, I don't know if I can do this.

- Yes, you can.



For tonight,

be the man.



First off, act like

you don't even like her.



- Hey.

- Hey.



Second, get her drunk...



really drunk, okay?



That way the true porn star

will come out in her.



Here. I, um...

I got us something.







- Are you trying to get me drunk?

- No. What?



- I thought you liked to rock.

- Like to rock?




Last and most important...



always be touching her, man.



That tells her you came here

to get down tonight.






What are we doing?



Just chillin'.



Oh. Hey, look.



Um, may... maybe, uh,

we should, um...



get a room.






Here it is.









This is, uh...

This is really nice. Uh...



TV, air conditioner.



Got a little lamp there.



Is that a Monet?






What are you thinkin'?



What are you thinking?



I don't know.



Do you want to fuck me?






Come here.



How do you want me?



Why are you doing this?









Isn't this what you want?



To fuck a porn star

in a cheap motel room?



So this is what

you think of me.



- Danielle, wait. I'm sorry.

- Let me guess.



Someone showed you a tape,

and you thought, "What the hell.

She does it for a living."



- Right?

- Eli told me to do it.



Oh, now that's

a mature response.



- Why didn't you just tell me?

- Because I didn't want to, okay?



Because I loved the way

you looked at me.



God, do you have

any idea how...



Forget it.



- Hold on.

- Fuck you.






#[Soft Rock]



You're done.






- #[Ends]

- Look, I'm... I'm an idiot, okay?



I saw the tape,

and I freaked out.



Hi. I'm comin' in.

Can... Can I come in?



Look, l...

I've just been crazy lately.



I mean, this... the whole scholarship thing,

you know?



I mean, it's...

it's killing me, you know?



But I'm not... I'm not even

thinking about that.



The only thing

I care about is you.



You know? All I want is for us

to go back to normal again.



It's a real nice place

you got here, "D."



I, um...



#[Heavy Metal]






Can we...



- talk about this later?

- Yeah.






[Door Opens]



I liked that.



- What?

- What you said in there.






- Kelly.

- Oh. Matthew.






- So you're friends with "D," huh?

- Yeah.



Well, we're, um...

We're kind of going out.




Look at you.



You are a forest fire.



- Are we going?

- Yeah.



- You comin' with us?

- Where you goin'?



He can't.

He's got school tomorrow.



No, no. I'm cool.

Like, where are we goin'?



#[Heavy Metal]



- #[Ends]

- What can I get for ya?



Two Scotch rocks and, uh...



Make it three. Actually, I'll have, uh...

a Long Island iced tea.



So, what grade are you in, man?



I'm a senior, but, uh,

I'm about to graduate.




What's next?



Georgetown, hopefully.



Matthew wants to be





That's great, man.



Yeah. How do...

How do you two know each other?



How do we know each other?



We used to work together.



So you're, like...

like, an actor?



Hmm? No.



Strictly producer.

But "D" and I also used to go out.



Excuse me a sec.



So you guys went out?



Thank you.



- Look, can we just talk?

- Talk.



I don't know

if this is really the place.



- Why? What's wrong with it?

- Oh, nothing.



It's... It's fine.



- It's one of my favorites.

- [Sighs]



- #[Alternative]

- Hey. You got one for me?






- What are you doing?

- What?






You turn it like so.



Hey, where you goin'?



The bathroom.

Is that okay?






## [Continues]



So you're really

into her, huh?



Hey. I get it, man. Believe me.

She's gorgeous.



I just think you'd want

someone more your age.



- She is my age.

- Yeah. I meant...






No offense.



Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna take care of you.



Oh, my God.

That's Mr. Peterson.



That's my dad's friend. He comes over

to dinner all the time with his wife.




Hey, Peterson.



Dude, what are you...

What are you doing, man?



Yeah, you.

Get over here.



Goddamn, Peterson.

Haven't seen your black ass in ages.



l... l...

Do I know you?



- What the fuck's your problem?

- l... Uh...



Just fuckin'

with you, man.



Hey. You know my friend

Matty here, right?



- #[Ends]

- Matthew. Hi.



Peterson, this is

Matty's first time.



Why don't you

buy him a dance?






So, did you hear

about that scholarship yet?



Uh, no. The big

dinner's on Thursday.







So, uh,

what's it for again?



The scholarship.

[Clears Throat]



It's for, uh,

moral fiber.






So, who is this guy?

He's, like, a porn producer?



Klitz, shut up.

Now, the strippers.



When you were getting a lap dance,

were they cool with you grabbing their ass...



Dude, oh, my... oh, my God.

I'm trying to talk about Danielle.



Fine. Selfish bitch.



[Man On Film] For teenagers,

sexual intercourse can be dangerous.



Jesus, what hack made this?

I could make a better

sex ed film with my mom.



Why don't they

update this thing?



Special events,

such as your senior prom...



place added pressure

on young teens to lose their virginity...



and also engage

in unprotected sex.



[Phone Rings]



- Hello.

- Hey, Bob.



We're all going to the creek tonight.

It's gonna be a gas.



- You're comin', right?

- I can't, guys.



I have a baby now.



Because of prom.



[Girls Laughing]






Yeah, right.




You guys ever thought about it?






I just think you guys would be really hot.

You girls are    right?



- I am.

- I will be in a month.



- Really? You ever been photographed?

- Yeah. A couple of times.



Hey, you guys

know Matty?



I hung with him last night.

Guy's the tits.



- There's my man.

- How you doin'?



- [Groans]

- [Kelly] What's up, fellas?






you didn't tell me you got some

serious burners at your school here.



- [Laughing] Shut up.

- Don't say that.



Hey, you know who's got

the killer bud?



This fucker right here.



- [Chuckles]

- What are you talking about?



- Yeah, come on.

- Yeah. You have some?



- Uh...

- Yeah. Come on.



- Holy shit!

- You guys should party.



- Can l...

- All right. We're out.



- Uh, hold on a sec.

- Hey. Where you going?



- Got things to do, ladies.

- [Girl] So, you wanna hang out?



- Hop in, fellas.

- Aren't you gonna photograph us?



- Always leave 'em wantin' more.

- [Boy] Watch it.!



- [Tires Squealing]

- [Boy Cackling]




Man, there is some talent here.



You get those girls together

with those ass-bags right there...



shoot 'em humping at, like,

a football game or at a prom...



that video would sell.

Fuck, I'm good!



How do I get these ideas?



It's like a gift,

you know.



It's like

I can't control it.



So, what are we doin', men?



Right. I need to transfer that.



You know, you really didn't

have to come with me.



Ah, it's cool.

I like runnin' errands.



So you raised    G's just to

bring this Chinese guy over.



He's Cambodian.



Okay, so that's




deposited into the Operation

Get Samnang account.



Hey, so you raised

all the money you needed.



- Congratulations.

- Thanks.



So, is this Samnang

really as smart as they say?



Well, he did teach himself calculus

without even using his textbook.



- So...

- [Woman] Wow.



Those crazy little fuckers, man.

They sure know their numbers.



Uh, Jeannie, this is my, um...

This is my student adviser.



Oh. You're Mr. Salinger?



Just here to make sure

everything's up to par. Wow.



- What?

- I love those earrings.



- Oh, thank you.

- They really complement your coloring.



Thanks. I just

got back from Cabo.



- Did you?

- Yeah.



Okay. Well, uh, we gotta go.

Thanks, Jeannie.



- Man, what were you doing?

- [Jeannie] Yeah.



There's a bar under there,

sit with other people.



- You have been there. See? I knew.

- No. No.



- [Jeannie] I could show you around.

- This guy's unbelievable.



- [Laughing]

- You.



- Where you guys goin'?

- Vegas, baby.



We got the convention.

Gotta press the flesh, meet the fans.



So that's it?

You're just goin' back?



I don't belong here.



What do you... What do you mean?

What about starting over?



This is what I am.



All right, "D."

Let's roll.



[Engine Starts]




Dude, it's not your fault.



No, it is my fault.



If I hadn't been such a dick

and taken her to that motel room...



Yeah, that was a little forward,

don't you think?



- Dude.

- What?



Matt, the point is

she made her decision.



There's nothin'

you can do about it now.



Yeah, there is.



- Hey, hey, Dad.

- Mom, don't wait up.



- I'm gonna be late.

- I'll watch it with you tomorrow.



- Shark Week is all week long.

- God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.









[Crowd Cheering]



- #[Hip-hop]

- #[Man Rapping, Indistinct]



#[Rap Rock]






- [Man] Move it.

- Sorry.



Big smile.



[Mouths Word]






- Yo, man, no press!

- No, no, no. I'm not... I'm not press.



I'm still in high school, okay?

This is for my high school video yearbook.



I swear to God.



- #[Ends]

- That's right, bitch.



- [Chattering]

- [Man] Athena.!



Jesus, is that her?




Come on. Come on.



Give me a second, guys.




Athena.! Athena.!



- Danielle.

- Athena.! Athena.!






Athena, right here.

Keep working it, Athena.

You are so hot, Athena.!



- [Matthew] Look, I'm sorry.

l... I had to come.

- Asshole, I'm next.



I feel like

this is all my fault.




Who is this guy?



Will you at least

look at me?



You're the best thing

that ever happened to me, okay?



- [Man] Me too.!

- Danielle.




He's so sweet.



- [Crowd Groans]

- Danielle.



Nice job, dickwad.



- Danielle.

- Hey, man. Get me out of this thing.



- Take me with you, dude.

- Danielle.



Just leave me alone,








Danielle, Danielle, Danielle.



- Hugo, hi.

- Look at you.



You look fantastic.



[Sighs]Just starting out

and everyone knows your name.



- [Chuckles] No, they don't.

- So how's Kelly treating you?



- Okay.

- Just okay?




what do we know? Hmm?



- Uh...

- What do we know?



We know that you should

be with me.



At the top

where the air is crisp.



- Nice tan.

- Kelly, what do we say?



Fuck you.




Always with the big words.




where the air is crisp.



- What does that mean?

- Nothing. He's just being Hugo.




What are you doing here?



Um, look, Kelly,

no offense...



but I really don't think

Danielle wants to be here right now.



Matthew, please just

go home, okay?



Hey, "D." "D."



I'm sorry, man. Come on.

Let's get out ofhere.



What's up?



- It's not cute anymore.

- What?



Stop filling her head with that...

Do not piss me off!



Hey, I thought

we were friends.



Friends don't fuck with

each other's business.



And that's what this is...

my fuckin' business.









What are you gonna do?



Yeah, that's what I thought.



Stay the fuck away from her.



[Door Opens]



[Door Closes]



Matt, seriously, man,

it's  :   in the morning.



Hey, what about your thing tomorrow?

The scholarship dinner?



Sorry, I gotta do this.






Oh, by the way, if things get bad,

just bolt, okay?



- What? What do you mean

"things get bad"?

- Just bolt.



Wait, wait.

What's he talking about?









- Hi.

- [Scoffs]






Dude, am I ugly?






No. No, man.

You're fine.



- Just... Just relax.

- No, I'm ugly. I know it.



So, what do you guys do?



- I get freaky.

- [Eli Chuckles Nervously]

Uh... Uh...



Uh... Uh, we're directors.



Really? Would you guys

ever want to use me

in one of your movies?






Hell, yeah, we'll use you.



Baby, I'll do things to you

I wouldn't do to a farm animal.



- What the fuck did you just say?

- Honey...



these guys are directors

and they want to use me.



- "Use you"?

- Guys, this is my boyfriend... Mule.



Uh, hi, Mule.



- Let's do it.

- #[Ends]



Man, you gotta use my girl, bro.

She's so good.



I am.

I really am.



- Do you want to give her a throw?

- [Gulps]



- Yeah. Try me out.

- No, you know. No.

I'm okay though. Thank you.



Well, come on.

At least feel her tits.



Uh, I'm okay. l... I can't.

Thank you though.



Fuck it. I'll feel one.



[Moaning Softly]



We're all set for tomorrow.

Athena will be there,

ready to shoot, right, babe?



- Not bad, huh? Suckers cost me six grand.

- [Moaning]



Yo, Mule.



What the hell are you doing?



Steel, check it out, man.



- These guys are directors.

- [Laughs]



Man, these punks

ain't directors.



They're in high school, you idiot.




Okay, here's the thing...




[Woman Screams]






Oh, shit!



- [Woman Screams]

- [Yelling]



- Come on, Klitz!

- Get off of this!












- Matty, time to go. Time to go.

- What happened?



It got bad.

Bolt! Bolt!



- Dude, wait up.

- Fuck you, dude!



Excuse me.



I just want to let you know,

I know who you really are.



And you're better than this.



#[Alternative Ballad]









[Knocking On Door]






[Door Opens]



Need a ride to school?



[Matthew] It's all you now. I mean,

now you can do whatever you want.



Why do you

believe in me so much?



I don't know.

Maybe I'm stupid.



- [Chuckles]

- [Bell Ringing]



Good luck tonight.






- Bye.

- Bye.



Will you go

to prom with me?






I would love to.



Now for the scientific

explanation. Anybody?



[Lecturing Continues]



That your speech?






You ready for tonight?



- Don't worry, man. You're gonna be great.

- I have to be.



That fuckin' bitch

can't just run away...



'cause she don't want

to fuck on film anymore!



- May I help you?

- [Snaps Fingers]



- Get up.

- Okay, okay.



Stay in school.



Look, I have the most important dinner

of my life tonight...



so wherever we're going,

we just have to be home by  :  .



Just so you know.



Here he comes.



- It's a cool ride, huh?

- Yeah, if you're a fag.



- Jesus!

- It's cool! It's cool!



Get in.



Where are we going?



I thought

you were cool, man.



I tried to be your friend,

and what do you do? You fuck me.



- I didn't fuck you.

- She didn't show up on set

today because of what you said.



Now I'm out    grand.

Guess who's paying me back.



What? I don't have    grand.



- Get your folks to help you out.

- They don't have that kind of money.



Look, Kelly,

I'm a problem solver, all right?



This is what I do. Okay?



Let's just... Let's just think

outside of the box here.



Look, she'll get a job,

I'll keep mowing lawns.



Over time, we'll pay it down.

You know? This can work.



We can do this.

It'll be like a payment plan.



You really care

about her, huh?



- Yeah, I really do.

- I don't know.



If I'm gonna do

this payment plan thing...



I need a show

of good faith, you know?



- Something concrete.

- Well, like what?



A blow job.



Nah, I told you.

She's not gonna do that anymore.



Who said anything

about her?



Yeah. We're definitely

outside the box now, huh?



Now you gotta

ask yourself...



how far are you

willing to go, hmm?



How much do you

really care about her?



[Zipper Unzips]



I'm joking, man!







- Damn! Do I look gay to you?

- No, but, geez...



You wanna be president...



let me tell you

the first rule of politics:



Always know if the juice

is worth the squeeze.



You know

what that means?



It means you don't steal my girl

unless you're ready to accept

the consequences.



All right.

I'm sorry, okay?



That's gonna swell up

like a bitch. Here, take these.



I'm telling you,

it's gonna hurt like shit.



I'm sorry I got upset.



I just... I felt

taken advantage of.



Look, I'm not gonna be a dick.

I know she loves you.



I'm gonna leave

you guys alone.



But now you're doing

something for me.



Remember that ass-bag Hugo

from the convention?



We used to be partners

a long time ago.



One day, I had

this killer idea...



to make films set in

real-life situations.



You know,

Real World porn.



I tell the idea to Hugo.

He says he'll think about it.



And what does that

motherfucker do?



Takes my best girls,

starts his own company with my idea...



and the guy

makes millions.



It's not the money that pisses me off.

I mean, yeah, fuck...



it does piss me off,

but that's not it.



It's the perception.

Everybody thinks Hugo's the genius.



It was my idea. It's like he's Simon

and I'm Garfunkel.



Look at me, man.



I'm fuckin' Garfunkel.



Look, seriously.

I can't do this.



Don't be a pussy.

Nobody's home.



- Why do you want this thing so bad?

- Because. It should've been mine.



- I'm just gonna grab it and leave.

- You don't understand.



I have to be at a dinner in an hour.

My whole life depends on it.



- You want me out of Danielle's life?

- Yes, I do.



- Then let's go.

- But wait. Seriously...



Sometimes in life,

if you want to do something good,

you gotta do something bad.



Yeah, but this is

breaking and entering.



This is politics.



Hey, after this,

we're cool, okay?



You're all right, man.



## [Humming]






Yes. I'd like to report

a robbery.



Bang me!




Cradle the balls.!




- [Shouts]

- [Squawking]




Help me!



Help! Ah, fuck!



Wait! Come on!



[Sirens Wailing]



Okay, so what time

does the dinner start?



 :  . Why?

What time is it now?



-  :  .

- Oh, my God!



Don't worry.

We'll get there. Just try and...



Dude, what are you doing?



I don't know. I just...



I feel so good.




Oh, my God.



l... I just feel

so weird.



Shh. Don't worry.

Ecstasy is not that bad.



- [Both] What?

- Kelly likes dosing people with "E."



Oh, my God.

Am I gonna die?



No, no. It's okay, Matt.

You're gonna be fine, I promise.



You're such a good friend,

Klitzy. I love you.



I love you so much.




This is gonna be amazing!



- [Distant Applause]

- Wait a second.



- Oh, my God.

- [Applause Continues]




You don't understand.



It's really

kicking in right now.



Just try not to talk

so much, okay?



Talk so much?

I'm giving a speech.



- It's okay. Just go with it.

- Wait, wait, wait!



In a few minutes, we'll begin

the speeches, and we hope...



Thank you again for coming

to what promises to be

a very eventful evening.






Matthew Kidman.



- [Grunts]

- [Dishes Clattering]



[Matthew] Ah, my competition.!

Hey, what's up, Ryan?



Jesus! What happened to you?



Just living life, my man.

Mina, how are you?




Just a little nervous.



Oh, but you're a little

temptress though, aren't you?



Hey, buddy,

how you doing?



Hey, thanks a lot,

thanks a lot.



- [Snaps Fingers]

- Huh? Huh?









Hey, there's

the big daddy, huh?



Matthew, what has been

going on with you?



Some serious shit.



But, Jesus, man,

it's good to see you!



Will you excuse us,




Oh, my God.

Am I blowing it?



Just try and control yourself.

Just breathe, okay?



All right.




I've learned a lot

from my teachers...



but my best teacher

has always been my mother...



a woman who worked threejobs

trying to support me...



ever since

I was a little niņa.



I will never forget

the day she said to me...



"Si trabajas duro,

todo es posible."



And that is why I have always

tried to answer the call

of the greatJohn F. Kennedy...



who urged us to ask not

what your country...



[Matthew Guffaws]



- [Laughing]

- [People Shushing]



Let's see here.



I can't speak a foreign language,

so that's out.



And I certainly can't quote

J.F.K. now, can I, Ryan?



You know, it's funny.

I have this whole speech prepared...



and I've been practicing

for weeks, but you know what?



I'm just gonna go with it.



Moral fiber.

So what is moral fiber?



I mean, it's funny.



I used to think it was always telling

the truth, doing good deeds...



you know, basically being

a fucking Boy Scout.



- [People Gasping]

- But lately I've been seeing it differently.



Now I think that moral fiber

is about finding that one thing

you really care about.



That one special thing

that means more to you than

anything else in the world.



And when you find her,

you fight for her.



You risk it all.



You put her

in front of everything...



your future, your life...

all of it.



And maybe the stuff you do

to help her isn't so clean.



You know what?

It doesn't matter.



Because in your heart,

you know...



that the juice

is worth the squeeze.



That's what

moral fiber's all about.






First, I'd just like

to commend the candidates...



on their impressive remarks.



This year was

a very tough decision.



And as much as we'd love

to give you all scholarships, we can't.



And so, I am proud

to announce...



the winner of this year's

Sheridan Scholarship...



Ryan Winger.






[Bell Dings]



Oh, God, what happened?



Yeah, I slipped.



Listen, Jeannie,

Samnang's coming on Monday.



I know.

How exciting.



Yeah, so I'm gonna need

to close out the account.



- What do you mean?

- I mean I'm gonna need

to close out the account.



- But it's already closed.

- What are you talking about?



Your teacher came by yesterday,

and he cleared out the account.



- Who? What teacher?

- Your student adviser.



Mr. Salinger. The one

you were with the other day.



Mr. Salinger?

What are you...



- #[Southern Rock]

- [Chuckles]






[Boy Whimpering]




what's wrong, my son?



That Matthew Kidman.



He fucked me, Mom.

He fucked me so bad!



Son of a bitch.



- Oh, my God.

- What's wrong?



Jeannie, didn't you

ask for I.D. or anything?



You said he was

your student adviser.



Oh, my God.



- Jeannie, where are you going?

- To get the manager.



- No, wait, wait.

- Matthew, what's going on?






that guy wasn't

my student adviser.



No. I know, I know.

I can get the money back.



We just need to keep this

between me and you for now, okay?



That's a great blouse.

Have you lost weight?



No? No, wait, wait!



Jeannie! Jeannie!

Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.



You think about this.

This is your fault too.



You didn't ask for I.D.

You didn't do anything.



And I saw you flirting with him.

So unprofessional. You're gonna

lose your job over this.



Don't you threaten me,

you little shit!



I could give a fuck about you

and your little rice boy.



- I'm not getting fired over this!

- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.



Please. Just... No one can ever

find out about this.



If this gets out, I'll be expelled.

My life will be over.



If that money isn't back by Monday,

I wouldn't worry about being expelled.



I'd worry about

going to jail.






- Hi, Jeannie.

- Hi, Martin.






[Mrs. Kidman's Voice]

Matthew, what's wrong?



[Mr. Kidman's Voice]

Matt, is there something

you want to talk about?



[Mrs. Kidman]

Matthew, honey, what is it?



- Hi.

- Come here.



I'm in so much trouble.



I can't believe

we're even thinking about this.



Well, if you need

that kind of money by Monday...



Yeah, but what are we doing?

I can't get you involved in this.



I want to do it.






Moral fiber.



- I'm in.

- You haven't heard the whole plan.



Ah! It doesn't matter.



Fuck film school.

This is gonna be huge.



This is gonna be

my calling card.






- Klitzy.

- No way.



Klitz, you know I wouldn't ask for this

unless I really needed it.



Matt, believe me,

I want to help you, but... no.



- We'll get expelled.

- Klitz, shut up.



Do me a favor, okay?



Take a look at us.

Take a good look at us.



Do you know what we are,

the three of us?






We're a fuckin' tripod.



- A tripod.

- Yeah. You know what that means?



That means if you kick out

one of our legs, then we all fall.



Come on, baby!







I know it was you, Klitzy.



- Where is she?

- Oh, there they are. Hey!



- [Squealing]

- #[Soul]



- Hey.!

- Hi, Danielle.!






Let's get our luggage. Yeah!



- All right?

- I'll be there in a minute.









So if I pull this off,

I get the    grand on Sunday?



Kid, you pull this off,

I'll take care of your little Samsung.



- Samnang.

- Whatever.



Have a nice prom, kid.



All right, minions,

over here.






Relax, relax.



You know what?

Go wait in the car. Go.









Gentlemen, these are your prom dates,

April and Ferrari.



Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.



- Your name is Clits?

- With a "K."



[Eli] Okay, get a two-shot.




All right, guys, get closer.

Yeah, that's right. Show me the love.



Feel it, feel it.! Nice.



Eli, do those girls

go to your school?



Uh, actually, no,

Mrs. Kidman.



- They're porn stars.

- [Laughing]



Y-You look, uh...



You look really nice.






You really do, hon.

You look so beautiful.



Really? Oh, thanks.



#[Rap Rock]



#[Continues, Indistinct]



#[Fades Out]






- What are all these cameras for?

- They're for video yearbook.












So what should we do?

Should we start setting up?



Yeah. We just gotta

keep this low-key, okay?




What are you gonna do?



I'm gonna get

our actors.



Dude, make sure

they can act.



Yeah, all right.

Just get out of here, okay?



Hey, I got this

taken care of.



You just show this little lady

a good time tonight.



- [Giggles]

- Minions, let's move!



- So what are we doin'?

- Relax, relax.



Come on, play it cool,

play it cool.




They're coming to you.



Yo, Matt. What's up?



- What's up?

- Can we talk to you for a second?



Dude, I'm with my girl here.



- Oh.

- Sorry, man.



- Should we come back?

- [Danielle] No. I'll leave you guys alone.



[Clears Throat]



- What's up?

- What's up with those girls?



- What about 'em?

- Are they, like, uh...



- Are they porn stars?

- Yeah.






I knew I recognized them.

I knew it.



- Can we meet 'em?

- Yeah.



How'd you boys like

to be in a movie?



- What are these?

- Your scripts.



Sign the release form

at the top.



Come on, you guys, wait up!



- Are these our actors?

- Just these two.



- What about me, dude?

- Oh, sorry, bro.



The party's all full.






As an artist, I want it to come

from a truthful place.



Holy shit.



- Ferrari, Ferrari, focus.

- Oh, okay.



- I can do this. Don't worry.

- Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.






- Hey.

- Hey.



- [Chuckling]

- #[Continues]



[Eli] Next location.!



Come on! Move!

Move, move, move! Let's go!



- #[Continues]

- Please! I gotta be in this!



Shut up. Take this.



- [Yells]

- Aw, come on!



Take the pain! Take the pain!

Get up! Come on!



May I have a word with you?



- What's up?

- I found this in the hallway.



Do you know what this is?



No. What is it?



Looks like a release form

for something.



Yeah, I...

don't know what it is.



Have a good night.






You're strong,

you're firm...



but you

have a secret.



Show that to me.






Thank you.



For what?



I never went to prom.









Excuse me, sir?

We have a problem.



- What's wrong?

- Derek didn't work out.



- What happened?

- Let's just say he wasn't strong or firm.



- Guys, I can't work like this!

- Okay, relax.



- We'll just get somebody else.

- There is nobody else.



- I thought everyone's dyin' to be in this.

- Not this scene.



All right.

This is the key scene.



If we don't get this,

Hugo's not gonna buy it.



Well, somebody's

gotta step up.



- Why you lookin' at me?

- Because you're doing it.



Whoa, Mr. l-just-want-to-




Here's your first chance.



Klitz, I can't act

and direct.



- Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.

- Oh, you're a director now.



- Yeah, I'm a director.

- Okay, Spielberg, what lens

are you gonna use?



[Arguing Continues]



I'll do it.



I'll do it.



You guys have been great,

but this is my mess. I'll clean it up.



Matt, Matt, your face is gonna be in this.

Think about that.



- Come here, baby.

- Uh, let's, uh...



Uh, picture's up, people.



- Are you ready, hon?

- Yeah. Okay, let's do this.



- And... action!

- [Door Opens]



What the hell is

going on in here?



- Nobody move!

- Ah, shit.



Who is in charge of this?



I asked you people

a question!



Who is in charge here?



Fuck it.



All right,

everybody take five.



- What's wrong?

- I can't do this.



- What happened?

- [Door Opens]




What are you gonna do?



I don't know.

It doesn't matter.



No. I'll do it.



- Klitz, it's cool.

- No, no. I'm doing it.






'Cause we're a fuckin' tripod.



[Eli] All right, here we go, people.

Picture's up.!



Listen, I know this is




but I think

you're really cute.



- Yeah, right.

- I'm serious.



Really cute.



How we doing, Klitzy?



Fucking great, man.

Let's do this.



And action!












See you, guys.



Good night, guys.



So, what's the craziest thing

you've done lately?















[Cell Phone Ringing]



- Hello?

- We're dead.



- Eli?

- Dude, the tape's not here. I can't find it.



- What?

- Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?

I've looked everywhere, okay?



- All right, calm down.

- No, dude, you calm down! It's gone!



- What do you mean, it's gone?

- I mean it's frickin' gone!



Somebody stole it!

Jesus Christ!




could you come in here?



This is Mr. Simon.



He says he has something

very important to discuss with us.



Sit down.



Actually, if you don't mind...



may I have a word

with the boy alone first?






So how was prom?



- That's mine.

- You know, we were fine.



But now you go and do this?

This was my idea.



Now I'm really gonna

fuck your shit up.



- I'm gonna need that back.

- Oh.



Take it from me.






What are you gonna do?



I don't have to do anything.

Hugo Posh will.



He's my partner on this.




So could I please

have my tape back?



Fuck y...




Fuck you. I'm taking

your half then.



No. That money's

going to Samnang.



The money

you stole from him.



You say that like I care.

I don't give a shit.



You're giving me your half.



- And if I don't?

- Showtime.






- Okay, what?

- Show 'em the tape.



I'm not fuckin' around.



I just don't care anymore.



This... is gonna be




Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...



would you mindjoining me

in the living room for a second?






Matthew, is there anything you want

to say before we watch this?



Okay, then.

On with the show.



Hello. I'm April.



And I'm Ferrari.



You may recognize us as stars

of the adult entertainment industry...



and today we're taking time out to talk

about a very important subject.



- Sex.

- Sex.



Special events

such as senior prom...



place added pressure

on young teens...



to lose their virginity and

engage in unprotected sex.



I know I lost my virginity

at my senior prom.



When did you

lose yours, April?



- Um, when I was   .

- Moving on!



In this video,

we'll go through everything...



from kissing to foreplay.



And for our finale, we'll show you

how to put a condom on properly...



using a real person.



No cucumbers or bananas

in this video.



So for those of you

naughty boys...



expecting to see

a raunchy porn video...



you might as well

turn this off now...



- because you're not gonna see sex.

- What the fuck is this shit?



You're gonna see

sex education.



## [Fanfare]



This is interesting,




Yeah. Yeah.



I think

it's a great idea.



Well, you remember those sex ed films

back in our day.



I'll tell ya, if they

were anything like this...



we sure would've paid more attention,

don't you think?



I think it's atrocious.



But... the hell with it.



The kids today are

so goddamn screwed up...



maybe this is the only way

you can reach them.



You just might have

something here, Matthew.



[Mrs. Kidman]

I think it's pretty wild.



This could really sell,

don't you think?



How'd you come up

with such an idea, Matthew?



What can I say?

It's like a gift, you know?



It's like I can't control it.



[Girl's Voice] Courtney Booth. I will

always remember late nights in cabby.



[Boy's Voice] Eric Zierdal.

I will always remember...



Kurt Kilgore.

I will always remember...



Joseph Croft. I will always remember

wrestling State...



[Matthew] Matthew Kidman.

I will always remember...



the three legs of the tripod...



I'm here with Hugo Posh, the producer of

Adult Education...



the hottest-selling

sex education video ever made...



being utilized in classrooms

across the globe.



Hugo, you're known primarily

as a hard-core pornographer, correct?



- [Matthew Narrating] my business partner...

- Let me break it down for you.



Hugo Posh isn't just tits.

He isn't just ass.



I mean, yes, he is those things,

but Hugo Posh is also heart.



What an ass-bag.



#[Classic Rock]



Fuckin' kid.




my student adviser...



All right, people.!

Let's make some fuckie-fuckie.



[Barry Bloom] Now, Hugo, you and your

partner have made millions on this.



So who is

this silent partner?



[Hugo] Well, he prefers

to remain anonymous.






You better

cure cancer, kid.




the next Einstein...



All right, yeah,

next question.



- All right.

- Eli's calling card...



- How about you, buddy?

- Mr. Brooks, why did you

decide to skip film school?



- Don't you think you're a little young?

- Shut the fuck up!



Next question.!




I got the tape! I got the tape!

I got the tape!



For our finale, I will now

demonstrate the proper technique...



for putting a condom

on the real thing.



- Is my volunteer ready?

- Klitz's big debut...



- Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Here he is, here he is.

- [Continues]






Jesus. Look at that guy.



He is huge.






my own scholarship to Georgetown...



and, of course,

I'll never forget...



the girl next door.



- [Continues]

- As for me...



I'm just goin'with it.

Special help by SergeiK