Good Morning Vietnam Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Good Morning Vietnam script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robin Williams movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Good Morning Vietnam. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Good Morning Vietnam Script


            recover contents such as shoes,

socks and undergarments.



And now an item of special note.



Barring any change in the weather,

the softball game...



between the    rd

and  th infantry divisions...



will resume as scheduled

at the Ban Mi Thout Park...



corner of Viet Ho and Hguen

Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.



Please make a note of it.

Excuse me.



Those men who lost equipment

in last week's rains...



are asked to contact

Lieutenant Sam Scheer.



Lieutenant Schneer-- Lieutenant Scheer

asks those men with waterlogged mitts...



to make every effort to dry them out

in the sun before requesting new ones.



Bookworms: Headquarters

Support Activities Saigon...



operates libraries at six locations

in the Republic of Vietnam.



American personnel can check out a book

in Ku Bai, Da Nang...



Phung Tao, Saigon,

Bien Wah and San Treng.



If you can't stop in

and select your own books...



write to the HSAS Library.



Ask for the books by author,

title and subject...



and your selections

will be mailed to you.



With the holiday season

rapidly approaching...



those personnel wishing

to spend Christmas cards home--



wishing to send Christmas

cards home to the States--



are asked to do so

no later than August   ...



due to a yearly mail rush

at that time.



Don't disappoint your--



So take your liberties, but

watch the liberties you take,



lost luggage:



The Armed Forces sincerely

regrets any inconvenience...



due to luggage lost

on transport carriers,



Personal missing luggage-- that should

be personnel missing luggage--



are asked to drop a card to Major

Gerald Kleiner over at the  th.



The card should be no larger

than four by five inches...



and should describe

the contents of your duffel.



Major Kleiner requests that you

do not describe your duffel

as all duffels look alike.



Those personnel with lost bag--



- All right.

- Hey, Sarge, where are the women?



- Airman Cronauer?

- You got it.



- Welcome to Saigon, sir.

- Careful. You could

put an eye out with that.



- God, it's warm, huh?

- Warm? No. This is a setting

for London broil.



I'm Private First Class Edward

Montesque Garlick at your service, sir.



Well, first thing, Garlick,

is you gotta requisition a new name.



I like you already, sir.



Actually, what I am, sir, is

your Armed Forces Radio Saigon

assistant who's in charge...



of orientation and billeting of

enlisted personnel, and company clerk.



Whew. I'm impressed.



- It's already started.

- I understand.



Dream on



little dreamer

Dream on



Dream about a love so fine



Sweet as apple-berry wine



Dream on



little dreamer

Dream on



This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.



AFRS Radio is owned and operated

by the United States government...



and operates on an assigned

carrier frequency of    ...



- at     megahertz,

- Jesus, that guy's

as boring as whale shit.



Not really.

See, the purpose is to inform you

as to the radius of the radio waves.



- Mantovani,

- Mantovani?



They play Mantovani to insomniacs

who don't respond to strong drugs.



General likes easy listening. You know,

I'm really gonna have to inform you--



Mayday! Mayday! Dragon lady

with incredible figure at   :  .

Stop the car.



- I can't do that, sir.

- Oh, Edward, Edward,

you don't understand.



I've been on a small Greek island

with a lot of women who look like Zorba.

I never thought I'll find

women attractive ever again.



And now that I do, you won't even

turn the car around? Thanks a lot.



- You have a very important

meeting with the top brass.

- Oh! There she is again!



- How'd she get ahead of us?

- That's another person, sir.



Ah, she's beautiful and quick.

Speed up. Check her stamina.



This is incredible! Oh, my God!

They're quick, they're fast and small.



I feel like a fox

in a chicken coop.



We got a  new man comin'in.



- Don't you understand, Dick?

- No, sir. Frankly, I do not understand.



Would you kindly

lower your tone, please?



Yes, sir.



I run this show, General. If anything

screws up, it's my ass in the mower.



I deserve to be notifed

of any changes that are made.



Nobody's arguing that with you.



Look, I caught his show on the

Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.



I damn near busted a gut laughin' at

him. And the troops, they love him.



This is a tempest in a teacup...



much ado about nothing.



For crying out loud, man,

this isn't brain surgery.



Don't get crazy over this, Dick.

We're only talking about a damn deejay.



Sir, there is no such thing as "only"

any more. Not now. Not in Saigon.



Lieutenant Steven Hauk

is our immediate supervisor.



He's a little goofy,

but he's okay.



Sergeant Major Dickerson--

That's another story altogether.



He was a commander

of an elite special forces unit.



He came to us because

of "prostrate" problems...



and some sort of social infection

that doesn't go away.



Plus, I think he got shot in the ass,

but I can't confirm that.



Anyway, he's the man

that you don't want to aggravate.



- Ed, are you always this happy?

- Cronauer!



- Sir!

- At ease. I'm General Taylor.



- Hiya, General.

- A real pleasure.



Listen, if you have any problems

here now, you come see me.



I'm the tallest hog

in the trough around here.



- Garlick, have you put on some weight?

- I don't think so, sir.



Why, son, the shadow

of your ass'd weigh    pounds.



I'll work on that, sir.

You're not supposed to address

the general saying "hiya."



- What's that, a new rule?

- No, old rule.



- That's Lieutenant Hauk in there.

- Who's the guy with the ears?



How're you doin'?

You could fly to Guam with those.



Uh, Airman Cronauer, sir.



You know, i-it wouldn't kill you people

to salute me once in a while.



- Sorry.

- Thanks.



I understand you're pretty funny

as a deejay, and...



well, comedy

is a kind of hobby of mine.



Well-- Well, actually, it's

a little more than just a hobby.



Reader's Digest is considering

publishing two of my jokes.



- Really?

- Yeah.



And perhaps some night we could

maybe get together and swap

humorous stories for-for fun.



Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple

of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.

That'd be a hoot.



- That's a joke, right?

- Maybe.

- I get it.



Where is this man's paperwork?



- Right here, Sergeant.

- Thank you, sir.



United States Air Force.

The hat does give you away.



- This is not military issue, Airman.

What sort of uniform is that?

- Cretan camouflage.



If you want to blend into a crowd of

drunken Greeks, there's nothin' better.



That is humour.

I recognize that.



I also recognize

your species of soldier.



I had a guy like you in the field

one time. He blew himself to pieces.



But not before his humour cost the lives

of three very fine individuals.



- I hope--

- You shut your fuckin' hole!



You're in Southeast Asia now, pal.

You got your cushy little assignment.



There's nothin' I can

do about that.



In time, you will

make me forget it.



You stay out of my way,

there'll be no problem.



But if you toy with me,

I'll burn you so bad...



you'll wish you died as a child.



- Am I being fairly clear?

- Yes, sir.




I work for a living, Airman.



You will address me

as Sergeant Major Dickerson.



Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.



He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed,

especially around the eyes.



Hello, hello, hello.



This is your chaplain,

Captain Noel...



your radio programme

of personal beliefs.



Great and manifold

are our blessings today.



This great godly miracle

of radio...



really gives me the opportunity...



to speak to you on the air!



Sir, it's time to rise.



My God, it's Mardi Gras,

and I'm on the main float.



Come on, sir. Couple of weeks,

this will be easy for you.



- Oh, let me go back to bed.

- You gotta get up, sir.



God. What time is it, Edward?



- It's  :  .

-  :  . It's very early. I may have

to hurt you. Call me in five minutes.



No, you have to get up right now

and you have to get on the air.



- Oh. Fine. Fine.

- Come on, sir.



...has signed Les Crane

to a late-night talk show.



- This way, sir. It's just down

the hall and to the right.

- Yeah.



- You must be nervous, sir, huh?

- I'm not even in my body, Edward.



Don't worry about it.

It'll go great. This way, sir.



We still have a few minutes

before your show begins, sir.



When it's time to read the news, you

just take it off these machines here.



But regardless of what you read,

Airman, the Department

of Defence wants final say.



So every item's checked

by these two guys in here.



Guys, I'd like you to meet

our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.



That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.



He's impeccably clean.



This man has cleaning products

shipped in from Wisconsin.



He's also one of your roommates, so if

I were you, I'd think about suicide.



Sir, I-I really don't think that you

want to use any of those records, sir.



- We have a selection right here

that's prepared specifically--

- Hey, hey!



I've been looking forward to meeting

you. Listen, could you do me a favour?



- Can you say something funny

right this minute?

- I doubt it.



I'm with you, man.

I'm on your frequency.

Hey, let me ask you a question.



What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?



I mean, the man's not funny.

I know funny, and he's not funny.



Don't get me wrong. He seems like

a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy

and he's not funny either.



Joey Bishop. I wish someone

would explain this one to me.



Hey, incidentally,

you're on the air in about ten seconds.

Nine, eight, seven, six--



Hey, this has been "Fiction and Fact"

from Marty Lee's almanac.

And now, direct from Crete...



welcome the silky-smooth sound

of Airman Adrian Cronauer.



Good morning, Vietnam!



Hey, this is not a test.

This is rock and roll.



Time to rock it

from the delta to the DMZ!



Is that me, or does that sound like

an Elvis Presley movie?



Viva Da Nang.

Oh, viva, Da Nang



Da Nang me, Da Nang me

Why don't they get a rope and hang me



Hey, is it a little too early

for being that loud? Hey, too late.



It's     . What's the "O" stand for?

Oh, my God, it's early.



Speaking of early, how about

that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz?



Thank you, Marty, for "silky-smooth

sound." Make me sound like Peggy Lee.



"Good morning, Vietnam"?

What the heck is that supposed to mean?



I don't know, Lieutenant. I-I guess

it means, good morning, uh, Vietnam.



And who gave anyone permission

to programme modern music?



Freddy and the Dreamers!



Wrong speed.

We've got it on the wrong speed.



For those of you recovering from a

hangover, that's gonna sound just right.



Let's put her right back down.

Let's try it a little faster,

see if that picks it up a little bit.



Let's get it up on   .



Those pilots are going,

"I really like the music. I really like

the music. I really like the music."



Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey,

wait a minute. Let's try something.



Let's play this backwards

and see if it gets any better.



Freddy is a devil.

Freddy is a devil.



Picture a man going on a journey

beyond sight and sound.



He's left Crete. He's entered

the demilitarized zone.



All right. Hey, what is this

"demilitarized zone"? What do

they mean, "police action"?



Sounds like a couple

of cops in Brooklyn going,

"You know, she looks pretty to me."



Hey, whatever it is, I like it

because it gets you on your toes better

than a strong cup of cappuccino.



What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds

like something out of The Wizard of Oz,



Oh, no, don't go in there.




Ho Chi'Minh



Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon.



You're among

the little people now.



We represent the ARVN Army

The ARVN Army



Oh, no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.



"Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" Oh, my

God. It's the wicked witch of the north.



It's Hanoi Hanna!



"Now, little GI, you and

your little 'tune-ooh' too!"



"Oh, Adrian. Adrian.

What are you doing, Adrian?"



Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down

on everything but the Titanic.

Stop it right now.



Uh, you know, he's really funny. You

know, he-he-- he's like a Marx brother.



Which Marx brother

would that be, Private? Zeppo?



- I don't find him funny at all.

- Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat?



Hey, uh, hi.

Can you help me? What's your name?

"My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt."



Roosevelt, what town are you stationed

in?. "I'm stationed in Poontang."



Well, thank you, Roosevelt.

What's the weather like out there?



"It's hot. Damn hot!

Real hot!



Hottest things is my shorts.

I could cook things in it.

A little crotch pot cooking."



Well, can you tell me what it feels

like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again!



Were you born on the sun?

It's damn hot!



I saw-- It's so damn hot,

I saw little guys, their orange

robes burst into flames.



It's that hot!

Do you know what I'm talking about."



What do you think it's going to be like

tonight? "It's gonna be hot and wet!



That's nice if you're with a lady,

but it ain't no good

if you're in the jungle."



Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song

coming your way right now.



"Nowhere To Run To"

by Martha and the Vandellas.

Yes! Hey, you know what I mean!



Too much?



- Thank you, Marty.

"Silky-smooth sounds." Get outta here.

- Nowhere to run to, baby



Nowhere to hide



Got nowhere to run to, baby



Nowhere to hide



It's not love I'm a-runnin' from



It's the heartbreak

I know will come



'Cause I know you're no good for me



But you've becomes such apart of me



Everywhere I go your face I see



- Every step I take you take with me

- That is not what we programme here!



- Yeah, nowhere to run to, baby

- This is AFVN, rockin'ya

from the delta to the DMZ



AFVN-- better than AFVD, which means

you have to get a quick shot.



- We're movin' on right now.

- I get around



- I get around

- Get around, 'round, 'round

I get around



- From town to town

- Get around

- Here's a little riddle for you.



What's the difference between the Army

and the Cub Scouts?



- Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.

- Get around, 'round, 'round

I get around



I'm gettin' bugged drivin' up

and down the same old strip



I gotta find a new place

where the kids are hip



Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer.

I'm on again at     .



Why? Because I have to.

It's the Army.



We're talking out in the field today.

Hi, what's your name?

"My name's Bob Fliber!"



Bob, what do you do?

"I'm in artillery!" Thank you, Bob.



Can we play anything for you?

"Anything! Just play it loud! Okay?"



- I'm makin' real good bread

- Get around, 'round, 'round

I get around



- I get around,

- 'Round



Get around, 'round, 'round




You know, I have to admit something

to you, I just came from Crete

with women that look like Zorba."



Whoo! Thank you.



"Those girls are just so pretty."

Gomer, are you here in Vietnam?



"Yes, I am.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!"



Lyndon, why did you name

your daughter "Linda Bird"?



"Cause Lynda Dog would be too cruel."

Easy, girl, easy.



"You know, if you pick 'em up by their

ears, it doesn't hurt 'em as much."



"Oh, you're goin'

straight to hell for that one!



Watch out o'er there!"

Here's an incredible coincidence.



Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders--

actually the same person?



You be the judge, Our lines are open.

Somethin' real special now.



We've got our traffic report

up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

How's it goin'up there?



"Adrian, it's not goin'

exactly well.



There's a water buffalo jackknifed

up there. It's not a very pretty

picture. There's horns everywhere.



I don't know what to say.

We're gonna maybe drop in a little

napalm there and try 'n cook 'im down.



Have a little barbecue."



The purpose of a man

is to love a woman



And the purpose of a woman

is to love a man



So come on, baby, let's start today

Come on, baby, let's play



The game of love, love

la-la-la-la-la love



We've got a special man in the audience

today, Right now, it's Mr Leo.



He's a fashion consultant for the Army.

"Oh, thank you, Adrian.

I'm just very happy to be here.



I want to tell you something.

You know, this whole camouflage thing

for me doesn't work very well".



Why is that? "Well, because you go

in the jungle, I can't see you.



You know, it's like wearing

stripes and plaid. For me,

I want to do something different.



You know, you go in the jungle,

make a statement.

If you're going to fight, clash.



- You know what I mean?"

- come on, baby, the time is right

Love your daddy with all your might



Thank you for that lovely tune.

That funky music

will drive us till the dawn.



Let's go.

Let's boogaloo till we puke.



That's about it

for the Adrian Cron Hour.



I'm gonna take myself

out of the driver's seat, but I'm

gonna turn you over right now...



to Mr Excitement,

a man with limp, damaged hair,

but nevertheless a fireball...



Dan Levitan!



This is AFRS, Radio Saigon,

and yours truly...



Dan "The Man" Levitan.



Greetings and salutations

to any and all servicemen in the area...



and thanks so much

for joining us.



Yeah! Yeah!



Yeah, he's funny! I know funny.

This guy is funny!






- At ease!

- Hell, we already are.



Just cool your tongue, Airman,

because I intend to take issue

with your performance.



First of all, don't make fun

of the weather here.



And don't say that the weather

is the same all the time here,

because it's not.



- In fact, it's two degrees

cooler today than yesterday.

- Two degrees cooler?



Me without my muff.



- Muff! I tell you, this guy's funny.

- I'm trying to run a meeting here.



You know, I hate the fact

that you people never salute me.



I am a lieutenant,

and I would like salutes occasionally.



That's what being a higher rank

is all about.






- Second--

- Programming taste.



Programming taste.



Frankly, I found your "I love

a police action" remark way out of line.



How can you have the gall to compare

the conflict here in Vietnam...



with a glass

of cappuccino coffee?



Well, I was-- It just comes up.

I was trying to be funny.



- Funny is good. Funny is good.

- Yeah.



But then do it by using

comedy and humour...



not police action

and coffee remarks.



Furthermore, you are to stick

to playing normal modes of music...



not wild stuff.



Those we would find acceptable here

would include Lawrence Welk...



Jim Nabors, Mantovani.



- Percy Faith.

- Percy Faith. Good!



Andy Williams, Pery Como and

certain ballads by Mr Frank Sinatra.



- Would Bob Dylan be out of line?

- Way, way, way out of line.



Former VP Richard Nixon

will arrive here this week.



Dreiwitz, I've assigned you

to cover the PC.



- He likes to say PC

instead of press conference.

- And if you do hap--



- The lieutenant loves to abbreviate.

- And if you do-- And if you do--



And if you do happen to speak with him,

please be polite and to the point

at all times.



- Affirmative, sir.

- "Affirmative, sir." Good.



Okay. Who do we have slated

for live entertainment in November?



Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope,

but it turns out he won't come.



- Why not?

- He doesn't play police actions,

just wars.



Bob likes a big room, sir.



- That is not funny!

- How 'bout if it escalated?



- How about if what escalated?

- The Vietnam conflict.



The Vietnam conflict.



We are not going to escalate

a whole war just so we can

book a big-name comedian!



We can get Tony Bennett

or Trini Lopez.



I got it. Jery Vale.

He closes the Copa on the   th.



- Is that date firm?

- I got it from my niece.



Oh, come on. This is not the Catskills.

Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys.



- Don't dick around here.

- Oh, we tried, but their agent says

they're still on the beach...



and they won't be off the sand

till November! Ba-da-bing!



Uh, well, didn't somebody

wearing my uniform and bearing

a striking resemblance to myself...



just say that that kind of music

was inappropriate?



Sorry, sir.

I haven't been to sleep.



The former VP

will be here on Friday.



I expect every minute of the VP's PC

to be taped and broadcast...



within    hours of his arrival.



Something funny, Garlick?

Well, perhaps you'd like to

share it with the rest of us.



No, sir. The former vice president

is a delight, sir.



Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how

the VP is such a VIP...



shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT,

'cause if it leaks to the VC...



he could end up an MIA,

and then we'd all be put on KP.



- I would like to leave the room now.

- Oh, uh, yes, sir.



Oh, what a dip.



If you d-d-d-do--



- And if you do--

- And if you do--



Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee

coming up in just a few moments.



I call it a jubilee.

Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.



Three, maybe four,

back-to-back Ray Conniff classics.



We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's.



This is the place where we

like to hang out, sir.



Real horny,

in an opium kind of way.



- Earl! Earl! Earl!

- That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place.



Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi! Hi!



- Now you say hi to me, then you smile.

- Hi.



Hey, you two Earl.

What about couple beer?



We'd love a couple

of beers, Jimmy.



- Are either of our names "Earl"?

- He calls everybody Earl.



Is it me, or is Jimmy

light in the loafers?



Let me put it to you this way.

He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.



He says he wants to

buy naked photographs of the actor.



- For three years he's been trying.

- Walter Brennan?



You know, Walter Brennan

from The Real McCoys, the TV show?



Well, well, well, Luke.

Well, well.



Anyway, there's this guy from

the  st Battalion,  nd Infantry...



who swore that he could get him

naked photographs of the actor.



And I've been trying to tell him that

it's no-go, but he won't listen to me.



- Oh, God. Nude photographs

of Walter Brennan.

- Here your beer.



- Thank you, Jimmy.

- Right.



Any movement on the

Walter Brennan thing?



No, and it doesn't

look good, Jimmy.



He looks good to me.



Ba Muy Ba beer

best beer in Vietnam.



Ba Muy Ba beer

only beer in Vietnam.



Try it.



- Oh, what happened?

- What happened?



Formaldehyde. We put in just a touch

of formaldehyde for flavour.



Some people get sick, yeah.



So if you have to be rushed

to a hospital, then when you return...



- I give you a free salad.

- Well, that seems fair. It really does.



- You'll get used to it.

- Maybe.



- There she is. Ahh. Any girl who wants

me this bad, I can't let her down.

- Where you goin'?



- The hunt is on.

- What is wrong?

- Ah--



- I gotta catch her

before she accelerates.

- You can't go yet.



You have to taste my spicy chicken,

cooked with ex--



Hi. How's Lynn doing?



I'm sorry. You look

like Lynn's friend from Toledo.



Listen, let me make it up to you

by buying a cup of coffee. Also,

tea would fall into that category.



I not think be not correct of way.

Please. Okay?



- What'd she just say?

- She said no, sir.



But, Edward, I'm in love.

You think she likes seafood?



Um-- She's getting away. Edward,

Edward, get the Jeep! Get the Jeep!



Okay. It's-It's

blocked in by a truck.



- You can stay here, sir.

I'll talk to the guys, okay?

- We don't have time. Taxi!



- Ahh-- Bikes!

We'll buy bikes. Si habla Yiddish?

- We won't buy bikes.



- There's actually

no rubber on these tyres.

- Oh, picky, picky.



Let's go, Edward!

Yaah, the chase!



Sir! Sir, we have to get some

dignity here! A little dignity.



Sir! Sir, this is--

This is not safe.






Sir! Sir!



- Good afternoon, class.

- Good afternoon, Mr Sloan.



Uh, the last-- last time, in our

last class, we read chapter three.



You should've gotten the one

with the training wheels, pal.



I was almost killed.



A truck's bumper

was this far from my nose.



My whole life passed before my eyes

and it wasn't even interesting to me.



How am I gonna get to first base

with this girl?



I want to buy some butter

and some cheese, please.



It zoomed right by,

just like the way they say it does.



Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds

from my dad's dichondra plants...



arranging rakes by sizes

for my mom in the garage.



Even encapsulated in two seconds,

my life is dull.



- I find that very alarming.

- Edward, stay with me on this.



- How am I gonna get this girl

to go out with me?

- You're not.



This is a very different culture.

You would need very specifc...



family-sanctioned introductions

in order to talk to this girl.



- Shh! Listen.

- We read not having in book.



It read-- read for my...



- the book.

- I've never heard rhymes like that.



I've got to be with her,

at least till she learns my name.



- You think the teacher'd

be able to date her?

- Possibly.



- But you would need very...

- That's just what I wanted to hear.



specifc introductions.



What we're going

to talk about today is shopping.



Shopping for dinner, and the things you

buy during, uh-- in your shopping trip.




Excuse me.



- Can I help you?

- Yes. I have two months to live...



and I would like to teach

before I die.



I don't think you understand me,




It's all yours.

You got it.



Hello, class.

My name is Adrian Cronauer.



I'd like to get to know

all of you by having you

write down your name, address...



and your home and work phone on a

piece of paper and passing it forward.



Sergeant Sloan our teacher.

You not supposed to be in here.



I was sent here on very

strict orders from a colonel.



First thing I'd like to know is,

what subject this is.



- Is it English?

- Yes, it is.



And how lucky for me.

Thank you very much for playing.



Now, let's start off with the fact

that English is a fantastic language.



Let's try a little phrase,

uh, I like to call...



"My boyfriend's back

and there's gonna be trouble.

Hey-nah, hey-nah, my boyfriend's back."



Can we try that one?



Can we try "My boyfriend's back"?




This is not for you.



Why do I feel like

the Miracle Worker up here?



- This is a nightmare.

- Uh, I don't know dick.



Even saying that means

I don't know dick. I--



I can't really teach English.

That's what Sergeant Sloan's going

to do when he comes back.



I can only tell ya

about how you can talk on,

maybe, the real streets of America.



Like, if you're walking on the streets

of New York and someone says, "Hey!



Excuse me. I would like to buy

some cheese and some butter."



No. No, come on.



Basically, we talk, "Hey, man,

what's happening? Ahh, you look

hip today. Slip me some skin."



Now, if someone in

America comes up and says, "Hey,

slip me some skin," don't be afraid.



They're not a leper,

and they're not gonna go--



No. It means, "Hey, baby,

slip me some skin." It's a greeting.



It's like, "How're you doin'?

Nice to meet you. Slip me some skin."



Now, here's how you do it.

You say, "Slip me some skin."

Put your hand out there.



Then you go, "Yeah, there's some skin."

Now you do it to me.



Yeah! Then you say,

"Groovy. Yeah."



- Say that.

- Groovy.



Yes! Baby!



If something's really nice,

you say, "It's groovy."



Doesn't mean you're going like,

"Yo!" No. It means "groovy."



Try that one. Say, "Hey, baby,

what's happening? Let's groove."



Hey, baby, wh-wh-wh-wh-what's

happening? Let's groove.



- See you later.

- Mr Cronauer, I really liking you.



- Well, I'm liking you too.

- Thank you.



- You teach, um, uh,

American thing, okay?

- Okay.



- Play game of softball.

- Okay, yeah, well, we'll try

and do that if we get the equipment.



- You forget the girl.

- Whoa. I'll let her say no.



She is say no. That is what walking

away from you means.



- I'm interested in the girl. I'm not

interested in you playing Dear Abby.

- I know because she's my sister.



I would, however, love to buy you lunch,

maybe look at a family album. Come on.



- I not like you, sir.

- Why not?



I got a great personality.

You ask anybody.



You phoney, like American

and French before you.



Here to get something,

leaving when you not get it.



You come into my class,

so maybe we like you.



- You come for the girl.

You won't get her. You go.

- Okay, Sherlock.



Yeah, I bribed my way to

meet the girl. You got me, bang.



But hey, I like the class. I'm gonna

stay. Let's be friends, okay? Come on.



- Come on. Come on.

- You like me because of my sister.



No, I like you because you're honest,

because you're shorter than I am.



We look like a before and after picture.

Now, come on. Let me buy you a beer.



Sometimes your face look like a fish

in the Gulf of Thailand.



It's true. It's very true.

That's an insult, isn't it?



You can buy me lunch,

but please forget about my sister.



I know Americans.



See a girl with the type breasts they

like and they put her in a fancy car...



and they buy her some expensive food

and then lie about money.



- And then try and take her into a bed.

- So, what's wrong with that?



It's more devout here.



- Is there any food on this street

that doesn't give you diarrhoea?

- You wanting some?



What the hell is this?



Oh, she pour Nuoc Mahmm

noodle soup with fish ball.



- Didn't know they had balls.

- Eat.



Eat. I can't.

It's still paddling.



No, it okay. I not tell you okay

otherwise. You like it.



You see?

You don't trusting me.



I trust you, man.

It's just that I can't eat something

that looks like a cesspool.



You mad I not trust you,

but truth, you not trust me.



You want be my friend,

you trusting me. You eat it.



Hey, I'll-I'll be-- I wanna be

your pal. Here, okay. I'll eat it.



Dig in. Mm-mm.



Jesus! Shit! God!



Oh! Hot!

My-- Ow! Shit!



- This stuff is burning

the hair of my feet!

- Hot?



Hot? No.

It's fuckin' great.



- She say it's a little spicy.

- A little, yeah.



Isn't that funny?

You like that too?



A little of this? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

She likes the Three Stooges.



Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!



- Oh, you are being silly.

- Ohh!



- You old enough for this place?

- I think so.



Hi, Earl!

Good to see you again!



- Look at the new friend.

- A little too young for you.



I want to show you

something very nice.



- Oh, really?

- It look wonderful.



- I can confide you?

- Sure.



Look at the shape

of that soldier ankle...



the way it so elegantly

curve into his boot.



Help me get some photo

of those ankle, I give you my bar.



- You're a very sick man.

You know that, don't you?

- Ahh!



Thank you.



Oh, God.



Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the new voice of Saigon...



Adrian Cronauer!



Not enough for the car.



- What happened with the girl?

- It didn't work out.



I want to introduce you to someone

right now from my English class.



- This is Tuan. The guys.

- Hey, Tuan!



- Guys, Tuan.

- Hey, pull up a floor here.



Hi, Tuan.

Long time no "twee." Ba-dum.



- That's terrible. That's terrible.

- Those are gorgeous gals.



I've-- I'll never have them.



I've always wanted girls like that,

but I've always had trouble,

especially as a young child.



Who the hell gets laid as a young

child? And stop calling them "gals."



Cowgirls are called gals. Those are

gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls.



Don't ruin it by conjuring up images

of Dale Evans, all right?



Can you believe the shape

of those gals-- girls?



The one in blue.



Those behinds were designed by a Jewish

scientist in Switzerland, Dr Feintush.



- Dr Heimlich Feintush.

- We're trying to figure out

how to meet them...



- but nobody can come up

with any good lines.

- Wait a minute. Try this one.

Try this one.



Oh, girls, girls!

Come on over.



Pardon me, girls?

Excuse me, girls? Hello.



Hello! Come on. Yes.



Here she comes

Miss Southeast Asia



- It says we're not supposed to

fraternize with these girls.

- Here she comes right now



- It says so in the memo.

"No fraternizing with these girls."

In the memo!

- Thank you.



- I will note your objection.

- Forget memos. Forget memos.

These are pretty women coming.



Here she comes



- This way, please.

- Hi.



Hello, I'm William Holden.



- Oh. Oh! Bingo.

- Merry Christmas.



Merry Christmas.

If you believe in Santa--



- How come I don't get one?

- Dan Levitan. You've probably

heard my radio show.



What's your name?

My name is Levitan. Can you say that?



Hey, who brought in the gook?



I said, who brought in

the fuckin' gook?



I love you.



- A khaki eclipse.

- I better go now.



That's all right.

I did. Hey, come on now.



If you kick out the gooks, the next

thing, you have to kick out the chinks,

the spicks, the spooks and kikes.



All that's gonna be left in here

are a couple of brain-dead rednecks.



- And what fun would that be?

- Now's when they stop talking.



- Now, come on. Let me buy you

a couple of beers. How 'bout it?

- What, are you crazy?



- I might b--

- Shut up!

- Okay.

- Get him outta here.






Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on now.



- You gotta prove somethin', knockin'

around little Vietnamese kids here?

- This is a GI bar.



We don't like gooks. We don't want

him here. You just get him out!



Everybody say "gook,"

but it's all right.



-Jump in anytime, okay?

- We're there.



I got to tell you somethin',

you know?



I've been all around the world, seen

a lot of places and a lot of people.



I have never ever in my travels

come across a man as large as you...



with as much muscles,

who has absolutely no penis.






He mean that as compliment!



Oh, shit!



That's it for you, asshole!



Call police, quick!






These two behemoths were physically

abusing a Vietnamese national. I thought

since we were here to defend their cou--



So you start a brawl. Turn the place

upside-down. Real intelligent solution.



Do you have any idea how

ridiculous it makes me look to

have a man under my command...



start a fucking bar brawl?



You're not gonna

last long here, pal.



- You can always

send me back to Crete.

- Oh, you think this is a joke?



I can come up with alternatives

other than Crete. I'm real good

at stuff like that.



I got people stuck in places

they haven't even considered

how to get out of yet.



You don't think I can

come up with somethin' good?



- Can you envision some fairly

unattractive alternatives?

- Not without slides.



A bar brawl.

That's one, Cronauer.



You better stay cool. You better

not get involved in anything.



You better not even come within range

of anything that happens...



or your ass is grass,

and I'm a lawn mower.



- Am I being fairly clear?

- Yes, sir.



"Sir"? Do you see anything on

this uniform indicating an officer?



- What does three up and three down

mean to you, Airman?

- End of an inning?



Sergeant Major.



Now, you get the hell

out of here right now.



Jesus. Enough.

Please, I'm-- Ba-- Bag it!



Wake up, Mr Sleepy Head.

You are late.



Gentlemen, what can I say

but "hiya."



- Hiya.

- Hiya.



Okay, which one of you guys

is throwing his voice?



Oh, censor, censor, censor.

Join the Army and mark things.



Hey, come on. What kind of

news are you leaving me there?



Nixon, Singapore,

Lake Erie. Come on.



Come on. You're on

in, like, two seconds.



It's time for Adrian Cronauer.



Good morning, Vietnam!



Hello, campers.

Remember, Monday is malaria day.



That's right. Time to take that

big orange pill and get ready

for the Ho Chi Minh two-step.



Sugar and spice

and all things nice



Kisses sweeter than wine



Sugar and spice

and all things nice



You know that little girl is mine



Everybody stops

and stares at my baby



We're back. Here's the news.

All the news that's new

and approved by the US Army...



the sweetest-smelling army

in the world.



Great Britain recognized

the island state of Singapore.



How do you recognize an island? Do you

go, exc-- Hey, wait. No, don't tell me.



Wait, wait. Didn't we meet last year

at the Feinman bar mitzvah?



You look a lot like Hawaii.

Didn't we meet last year

at the Peninsula Club? No.



Pope Paul VI

celebrated a mass in Italian.

Whoa! Call me crazy! He's in Rome.



You know, one day I want to meet him,

kiss his ring, and have it go, whrrr!



The Mississippi River broke through

a protective dike today.



What is-- What is a protective dike?

Is that a large woman standing by

the river going, "Don't go near there"?



"But Betty--" "Don't go near there.

Get away from the river.

Stay away from there."



I know we can't use the word "dyke." You

can't even say "lesbian." It's women in

comfortable shoes. Thank you very much.



Now here's the weather. We're gonna

go right to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.

Roosevelt, how's it going?



"Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't even

come here and bother me right now."



- Well, thanks, Roosevelt.

Can't you give us a little weather?

- "Not now, man.



I'm on the balcony,

I'm trying to score. Back off."



Well, what's the weather like?

"You got a window? Open it."



Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to

go to someone else for the weather.



I guess we'll have to go all the way

to Washington Weather Central

to Walter Cronkite.

Walter, what's the weather like?



"I just want to begin by saying

to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt...



'What it is, what it shall be,

what it was.'



Weather out there today

is hot and shitty...



with continued hot and shitty

in the afternoon.



Tomorrow a chance of continued

crappy with a pissy weather

front coming down from the north.



Basically, it's hotter than

a snake's ass in a wagon round-up."



Okay, we're gonna hit some songs

at you right now. Comin' your way!



What the hell was that?

Crappy weather, shitty weather?



- Comedy, sir.

- Comedy? No, no. This is not comedy.



- Comedy is fun, it's antics,

hysterical-type things.

- Hysterical-type things?



- Airman Cronauer

requesting you to elaborate, sir.

- Antics, damn it.



Comedy of errors, like

the Keystone Cops falling down.

General wackiness like that.



Falling down, that's a sight gag.

How would anyone see you

fall down on the radio, sir?



- No, no, no, no.

Not literally falling down.

- Definitely wouldn't worth

on the radio, sir.



- See, sir?

- What I mean is in the spirit

of the Keystone Cops.



- Sir, it wouldn't worth, I don't think,

- I don't think anybody would

see you fall through a radio, sir.



- I-I-I-I-- If a field radio--

- What are you doing here?



- Well, I thought I'd come

and help smooth things out--

- Don't help and don't smooth.



And you-- You are not funny,

but you are a maniac...



and you'd better start

changing your life.






Thank you for that

constructive criticism. It's--



It's a privilege to take comedy notes

from a man of your stature.



Fine. Just don't

let it happen again.






In the dictionary under "asshole,"

it says "See him."



Why am I here? All right, we're gonna

play some music for you right now.



Here we go. Here's a little

James Brown comin' yourway.



Baby, help me, please.



Whoa, I feel good



I knew that I would, now



I feel good



I knew that I would, now



So good

So good



I got you



- Ow

- Ow! Ow! Back again.



When I hold you in my arms



I know that I can do no wrong



And when I hold you my arms



My love can't do me no harm



And I feel nice

Like sugar and spice



I feel nice



- Like sugar and spice

- Sugar and spice!



- So nice

- So nice!



- So nice

- So good!

- I got you



- I feel good

- Tell 'em, James. Hurt 'em now.



- I knew that I would, now

- Good God, help me!

Work through it. Ow!



I feel good



I knew that I would



So good

So good



- Sir, Walter Cronkite

lives in New Jersey.

- It was a joke, sir.



- Yes!

- Sarcasm, sir.

- Up in Bergen Country.



-That's a form of humour, sir.

Yes, sir.

- Oh, it's Hackensack!



- Yes, sir.

- How do I know?

- I'll make sure he gets the message.



- We're pretty happy with him,

too, sir. Thank you.

- Yes, I'm sure that wasn't

Walter Cronkkite, sir.



- I will tell him, sir.

- Didn't I speak to you before?

- Okay, sir. Thank you.



Very good! All right, now.

All right. Let's recap now. Okay.



- If someone is not telling the truth,

you say that they are full of--

- Shit!



- Shit.

- Yes! Okay.



If someone is making you angrier

and angrier, therefore you have--



- Pissed me off.

- Pissed me off!



Okay. Join the others if you can.

All right. Let's see--



If you say that, hey, some people in

a car-- some gypsies, they cut you off.



- All of a sudden you--

- Flip them the bird.

- The bird!



Very good. Okay. Now we got

a special situation right now.



Okay, there's a Puerto Rican waitress.

She comes over, brings you

a little thing of red soup.



She's got some tomato soup.

Oh, she slips, she spills it...



on your brand-new gabardine pants that

you paid more than a colour TV for.



- You're a little angry,

so you say to her-- Minh?

- Uh, look what you did...



and god damn it

and stupid and crap.



That's stupid.

You don't call someone crap.



No, you step on crap.

You don't call it to a person.



- You can step on crap. I know you can.

- Yes, but they can be full of shit.

He said.



No, no. You see, you-you-you step

in shit. You can be full of crap.



I'm pretty sure you can step in crap.

I once saw it in a French movie.



How can some person look like a shit?

It impossible.



I think-- Okay, let's stop with the--

We can stop with the debate

on the great ca-ca right now.



Let's try a very special situation.

Wilkie, somethin' special, okay?

You go into a restaurant okay?



A waitress comes up to you. You're, eh--

You're wearing your best new suit.



She comes up, she spills soup

all over you, looks at you like...



"Eh, I'm sorry.

What are you gonna do about it,

asshole?" What do you say to her?



What would you say? They spilled

something on your pants. What would

they do? What would you do?



I do nothing.



Come on, Wilkie. It's cursing class.

You're gettin' a little pissed off.

What would you do?



I just remain reticent.



Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets

a knife, she starts stabbing you.



She's stabbing you.

She's putting forks in you.

She's got spoons in your eyes, Wil.



They're startin' to cut you with knives.

They're puttin' spoons in your eyes.

What would you do, Wil?



- What would you do?

- I'm waiting to die.



Mr Cronauer, we like your lessons

better than the book's.



- When we play baseball?

- When you teaching us softball?



Well, first we have to have

a little spring training, and when

I think you're ready, I'll try.



- Where are you come from?

- Queens. Bayside, Queens.



- What are Queens?

- Tall, thin men who like show tunes.



No? Big men with moustaches

named May who wear mascara.



Yeah, lakai'?



What is a lakai'?



Relax, already, crazy American.



- I make a date with you

and Trinh tomorrow.

- You did?



Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa,

by the food and flower vendors where you

burn your mouth on the noodles.



- Where's that?

- The noodles, remember?



- When you burn your mouth.

- Oh, gosh, yeah.

- But I warn you: you not like it

when you get there.



- You say it ridiculous.

- Why? That's the most

ridiculous thing I've ever heard.



- Hi.

- Hi!



Oh, God.

This could be very ugly. Hi.






In Vietnam, family often come...



to meet someone--

to meet someone.



Hello. Hey.

Well, the gang's all here, huh?



Oh, God, help me.

This is wonderful.



Well, you know,

you're very beautiful.



You're also very quiet.



And I'm not used to girls being

that quiet unless they're medicated.



Normally I go out with girls

who talk so much you could

hook 'em up to a wind turbine...



and they could power

a small New Hampshire town.



You talk, I think, very much.



Well, you--you see, I'm not used to

going on a date with a grand jury,

and it makes me a little nervous.



Oh. I don't want makes

you nervous, "Cronow."



I knows you very nice.



And for trusting,

you is the best...



on the gently of what you say...



or never to be for both

the same and another.



Well, I had you there, babe,

but then you lost me at the end.



Hey, hey.

Hey, Uncle Phil.



Hey, there you go. Whoa!

Got one for you.



Hey, there we go. For you.

Here we go. For you.



Knock yourselves out.



What's  /  th of a dollar

among friends? Come on.



No problem.

It's-- They're havin' a great--



Hey, listen,

I know there's no way.



But it doesn't mean

we can't have a few laughs.



Hey, I'll take

whatever you can give...



'cause I'm just happy

to be with you.



You want to see a movie

or somethin'?



- We must to ask the people.

- Hey, that's no problem.



Attention, shoppers.

People. People, settle.



"Under the Boardwalk"?

You know that one?



"Shout" by the Isley Brothers.

You know that?



- You know any American songs at all?

- "Puff the Magic Dragon."



You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"?

Can you sing it?



Puff the Magic Dragon



- Living by the tree

- That's wonderful.



Hey. Twelve, please. Um--



Take a blanket made for two now



Add a boy and a girl



That's a game for me and you now



Yeah, let's give it a whirl



Beach blanket bingo



Beach blanket bingo



Beach blanket bingo



That's the name of the game



My thoughts exactly.



Why can't I read this?

It's what's goin' on here now.



- They'd never approve

of that being released.

- That's censorship, Edward.



- That's not what America's all about.

- We're not in America, sir.



Can we please not get into this right

now? You're in the middle of a show.



Jesus, you could put amphetamine freaks

to sleep with this shit.



Got an "Agreement on Guam"?

Sounds like bird droppings.

Oh, here's somethin' exciting.



"Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill."

Sounds like a children's story.



- That's it. I'm readin' this.

- No, I can't let you do that.



Oh, Edward, don't you ever do

anything that's not by the book?



Not when I get into trouble.

No, I don't.



You know, Eddie, sometimes

you got to specifically go out

of your way to get into trouble.



It's called fun.

What's that? Come on.



Take some chances once in a while,

Edward. That's what life's all about.



- Find anything?

- No, I'll have to make somethin' up.



Hey, we're back. That last two seconds

of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest

hit single, "Walkin In The Wind."



And now here are the headlines.



Ah! Here they come at you right now.

Pope actually found to be Jewish,

Liberace is Anastasia...



and Ethel Merman

jams Russian radar.



The East Germans today claimed that

the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.



Also, the Pope decided today to release

Vatican-related bath products,

an incredible thing.



Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope.

That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope.



Wash with it, go straight

to heaven. Thank you!



Ethel Merman today uses

a test to jam Russian radar.

Here's a briefest of that jamming.



Oh, I've got a feeling



That love is here to stay



When asked for a reply, the Russians

went, "What the hell was that?"



Here's a news flash.

Today President Lyndon Johnson

passed a highway beautification bill.



The bill basically said

that his daughters could not drive

in a convertible on public highways



Hey, we got a great show

comin' your way today.



Former Vice President Richard Nixon's

in town. That's right,

the big Dick is here. Get ready.



I think there's

an incredible coincidence here.

I think he sounds exactly like Mr Ed.



You be the judge.

"I tell you this."



Now listen: "Wilbur, come in the room."

An incredible coincidence.



Some more songs.

Movin' on, movin' on into the dawn

with the Dawnbusters. Yeah!



- Well, if you want me, it's all right

It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right



- It's all right

- It's all right



- Well, if you want me, it's all right

It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right



- It's all right

- It's all right



The requests will be taken

pretty soon. Requests--

Where am I gonna take requests?



Where do you call from? "Yeah, I'm in

a phone booth out in the DMZ.



- I'm trying to call you right now."

- And I think you're too fine



- You know, now, how I love ya

- Lock and loll, baby. Lock and loll.



Believe me

How I love ya, believe me



If you want me, it's all right



- If you want me, it's all right,

It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right



- It's all right

- It's all right



- Well, if you want me, it's all right

It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right

- Believe!



- It's all right

- It's all right



Once again we've got our friend

from military intelligence.



Can you tell us what you've found out

about the enemy since you've been here?



"We found out

that we can't find them.



They're out there, and we're having

a major difficulty...



in finding the enemy."



Well, what do you use

to look for them?



"Well, we ask people,

'Are you the enemy? '



And whoever says yes,

we shoot them."



- All right

- It's all right



- Well, if you want me, it's all right

It's all right

- It's all right



"It's very difficult to find

a Vietnamese man named Charlie.



They're all named Nyugen

or Doh or things like that.



- It's very difficult for me."

- Coming home, it feel nice



Thanks very much.

Is it true that you've actually, um--



You're actually too close to some

of the nerve agents they were testing?



"Nerve-- uh, gas?"



Yes, have you used any?



"Well, once, yes, on myself.



And it had no-- Whoa! Whoa!

No effect on me.



I've had no actual--

Whoa! She-hoo!



Whoa! Whoa! Big dogs!

Big dogs landing on my face!



I don't know what that means."



Hey, that's it for me.

I'm outta here.



That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour,

but I'm gonna turn you over right now

to Mr Warmth.



Dan "The Tan" Levitan!



Thank you so much, Adrian.



Adrian Cronauer, GIs,

a wacky and welcome addition...



- to AFRS, Radio Saigon.

- Nixon's press conference.



Well, wait till you hear it.

He's this far from sincerity.



Uh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed

my face. Just a moment. Come on.



- Where do you imagine you're going?

- Just gonna get

a little somethin' to eat.



You don't have time. You'll stay here

and drink instant beverage or something.



We promised our listening audience

Nixon highlights by  :OO p.m.



I've been on the air for four hours.

I'm a little hungry.



- That's a joke, right? I get it.

- No, I'm actually hungry.



Well, I'm actually

giving you an order.



Oh, it's an order.

In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.



Thank you.

Mm-mmm, Campbell's.



Aha! Ha! Earl!



Ha, you again.

No more fighting, okay?



Oh, you got it. James!

Nice, shiny green suit.



- You look like an Oriental leprechaun.

- You like it?



I got it in Hong Kong...



home of the shiny

green suit.



And therefore,

there is no place for neutrality...



or a neutralist sentiment

in South Vietnam.



As I leave Vietnam today, there

is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...



- That's Nixon.

- but that the viet Cong

will be defeated...



and that this war

will be won.



Asia does involve, I think,

very appropriately as you have

suggested, give and take.



Well, I really didn't make that

suggestion, sir I'm sorry,



The United States

has no right to give.



- Why would Cronauer's voice

be on this tape?

- I don't know, Lieutenant.



...its territory

to the Communists,



Mr Nixon, thank you for that

concise political commentary...



but I think I'd like to delve into

something slightly more personal

for the men in the field.



How would you describe

your testicles?



- That they're soft, that they're

shallow, that they have no purpose,

- Oh, my God.



- What are you saying, sir?

- Oh, my God.

- That they lack the physical strength.



- How would you describe

your sex life with your wife Pat?

- Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.



Well, have you considered possibly

a sex change? There is an operation

that can transform you...



- Please don't do this to me.

Please don't do this to me.

- into a female Great Dane

or possibly a very well-hung Chihuahua.



Mr Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam,

it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.



Are you planning, sir, to

take some of the mariruana home,

back to the United States?



- How would you do that?

- By plane...



by helicopter

and also by automobile.



I was wondering if you could do your

Mr Ed, because I know people love that.



Cut that thing off.

I said cut it off!



- Sir.

- Where is Cronauer?



- Still eating, sir.

- I want to see him ASAP.



- What, sir?

- As soon as possible.



- VG, sir.

- We interrupt this broadcast...



to bring you an emergency selection

of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.



We simply need to consider

taking him of off the air



Lieutenant, we get hundreds,

maybe thousands of calls

and letters each week, Fan mail



He's the first man in the history

of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.



Every GI in this country

is glued to his radio twice a day...



at O :OO hours and   :OO hours

to hear that lunatic.



Sir, the man has got

an irreverent tendency.



He did a very off-colour

parody of former VP Nixon.



- I thought it was hilarious.

- Respectfully, sir...



the former V.P. is a good man

and a decent man.




I know Nixon personally.



He lugs a trainload of shit behind him

that would fertilize the Sinai.



Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from

the son of a bitch, and I consider

him a good, close, personal friend.



Let's get down to business here,

General. What the hell's goin' on here?



We've got a mounting crisis

in this country. We've got

a deejay that the men dearly love.



If you two have personal problems,

solve them, will you?



Thank you, Lieutenant.



Thank you, Lieutenant!



Speak your piece, Dick.



Due respect, sir. I have over    years

command experience in this army.



Do you really expect me to run

this radio station with nothin'

to say and no way to do it?



Right now, yes.



Yes, sir.



This is not over yet.



If somebody wants you



- Why are you still here?

- Sparky. Sittin' back, havin'

a cup of formaldehyde here.



You say after you go out with Trinh, you

meet me to talk and discuss about her.



- There's nothing to discuss.

She doesn't like me.

- Yes, she do.



- No, she don't.

- She do liking you.

She want to meet you today.



- She's not far from here.

- I can't. I gotta be back

on the air again at  :OO.



You have to meet her today.

Otherwise you miss your big chance.



- Don't want to miss my big chance.

- Yes. Come. We go.



- You sound like you learned English

from Tonto. "Come. We go."

- Come on.






- I still can't believe

she really wants to see me.

- Yeah.



I guess that beach movie

really impressed her, huh?



I gotta get her something.

Uh, what about bananas?



- No.

- No, that doesn't say

the right thing. You're right.



How 'bout--



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God.



Oh, my bar!

Why they do that?



Get back!



- You can't just leave 'em in

this shit here. Come on.

- This boy's gone.



Let's go. Come on.

Come on.



Get back.


            is worse, and the fire is

lapping the outside of the building.



Hey, where's he going?



What do you think you're doing?

You know you're forbidden to read

anything not checked by this office.



- What's there to check?

I was there. It happened.

- Airman, you know the rules.



If this is a legitimate news story,

it must go through proper channels.



Listen, Tweedle-dee,

it's an actual event. Where do you

think this came from, shaving?



It's the truth.

I just want to report the truth.

It'd be a nice change of pace.



- What's goin' on here?

- Sir, will you listen to me?



This is not official news, Airman. As

far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.



- It did happen and I was--

- You shut your mouth.



What are you afraid of, Dickerson?

People might find out

there's a war goin' on?



This news

is not official, Airman.



You want everyone going under

the assumption it's perfectly

safe here, don't you? Well, it's not.



The fighting's not just in the hills.

It's downtown. It's a couple

of fuckin' blocks--



I said it is none of

your goddam business!



I see your point.

I'm sorry.



I guess I get inside, hit these

air conditioners, I get a little dizzy.



Thanks for settin' me straight.

I'll be okay.



That about wraps it up for me,

Marty Lee, filling in for my buddy...



vacationing Eddie Kirk, who, despite all

your requests, will return tomorrow.



Right now, it's once again time

for the King Kong of Saigon...



Adrian Cronauer



Good morning, Vietnam!



Hey, I know it's not the morning,

but that's my trademark...



and "good evening"

sounds too depressing,



Hey, we're goin'

right now to the news.



From England, today,

Princess Margaret threw a shoe!



Easy, Madge. Also, uh, Elizab--

Queen Elizabeth, Liz-- Elizabeth Taylor!



Elizabeth Taylor.

She's still married after six months.



Way to go, Liz. Yea!



All right! In Saigon today,

according to official sources...



nothing actually happened.



One thing that didn't officially happen

was a bomb didn't officially explode

at   : O hours...



unofficially destroying

Jimmy Wah's Cafe.



- Get him out of there.

- Three men were unofficially

wounded, and two men...



- whose identities are still not known

at this time are unofficially dead

- It's locked!



- Well, break the goddam door down!

-Although the police, ambulance

and fire department responded...



what's believed to be unofficial

at this present moment.



- Turn the power of in that studio.

- But his show is--

- Turn it off! Now!



I just wanted

to think that you should--



The man should be

court-martialed, sir.



You think this is the most serious set

of affairs I have to address this week?



- Well, it's not.

- I can't believe you're

gonna pass on this, General.



- The man is a goddamned subversive.

- He made a mistake, Dick.



Mistake, sir? I don't want to be around

when he broadcasts US troop movements

to the other side.



I run the station according to strict

guidelines set by military intelligence.



Military intelligence?

There's a contradiction in terms.



Sir, the man is

a walking keg of dynamite.



In the eight weeks he's been on

the air, General, he's disobeyed

orders as to style and content



He's read unofficial news.

What's he gonna be like in six months?



What's he gonna be like when

he's ten times as popular, General?



- How easy is it gonna be

to get him off the air then?

- Who'll do the Cronauer show?



Well, Hauk can do it, sir,

till I find a replacement.



- Okay, for now, suspend him.

- Sir, you've made the correct choice.



Right here, right here on our show,

Diana Ross and the "Suprawns."



Set me free why don't you, babe



Set me free

why don't you, babe



You don't really need me

You just keep me steamin'on



Thank you very much. Let me introduce

the members of the band. Larry, Pisces.



Thank you very much.



- What'd he say?

- He say you drink too much already.



Well, tell him I drink

so I can be this funny.



It's not funny at all,

he said.



Tell him thanks. It's nice

to bomb in another language.



You will get sick

if you drink some more. Come on.



My village not too far from here.

You could come there for resting.



You could see

how we live.



Listen, Sparky, I don't think

seeing your little production of

Our Town is gonna cheer me up



- You see Trinh there.

- I'll drive.



Red leather, yellow leather.

Red-- Led--



- Red-- Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather--

- Sir, sir



Reading the news is one thing,

but this stuff you wrote,

i'-it's not funny, sir It's sad



Sir? I'm begging you, Don't try to

do comedy, It's not in your blood



I'll do fine,

Comedy is what you make it,



I've got pages and pages

of great material. Right, Abersold?



I'm afraid you're gonna

be hittin' bottom, sir.



If it isn't funny, then why did I

hear you laughing when you typed it?



I was thinking

of something else,



Thank you for your support.

Now I've got a show to do.



Sir, you're not funny,

Ask around



Ask me. Sir,

with all due respect...



uh, uh, I think you're gonna--

you might lay an egg-- I mean a big egg.



I mean, I know funny, and I don't think

you're it, But hey, such is life.



Me, I'm not much

with power tools.



Hey, that was the great,

exciting sound of Petula Clark.



- Beach Boys. Those were guys.

- Of the Beach Boys,



Hey, that wraps it up for me,

Marty Lee Dreiwitz.



Adrian Cronauer is on

temporary assignment...



but boy, do I have

a surprise for you.



- Don't build him up.

You'll only let 'em down.

- Please welcome to the microphone...



the lieutenant of laughs, the officer

of oral, the Westmoreland of wit...



swingin' Steven Hauh!



Hello, Vietnam,

And greetings,



Soon, the news,




"lieutenant Steve!

lieutenant Steve!"



Who's that?

"It's me,your old pal Frenchy, "



Listen, Frenchy, let me ask you

something. Do you like good food?



"Oh, but of course.

Uh, the French love good food."



Well, then, I guess that would

make you an "Eatie Gourmet."



"Oh, ho, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve."



- Oh, Frenchy.

- "Oh, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve."



Frenchy. You know,

I really shouldn't kid Frenchy...



because sometimes he

"Stan Getz" mad at me...



and he could "Al Hirt" me.



"Uh, Lieutenant Steve,

Let's play some music."



Okay, Frenchy.

What would you like to hear?



"Well, uh, I love a good polka

as much as the next man."



Well, a good polka it is

for my good friend Frenchy.



I think some apologies

are in order.



You're not gonna continue

this broadcast, are you, sir?



- What are they doing?

- Oh, they're Buddhists.



They're sitting

for peace, wisdom and knowledge.



They're waiting

for enlightenment.



This man lose one son

from blasting American mine.



His father and brother

was killed by French long ago.



I think it's not fair to him.






He's going,

"No big deal." Look.



How lovin' can you feel

when you got that moment when



Don't you know that the time

can be that away, warka-wack

wacka-wack, wacka-wack



And don't you know that it ain't gonna

be and you feel that the time you see



And it all wacka-wack

wacka-wacka, wacka-wacka

I know and I'm movin'



Look. Up there. Pull.






You not understand.

You not.



We no future together, "Cronow."



My country, maybe no future.



Hey, I like you. I just want

to be your friend, okay?



- I know it sounds dumb.

- I-- I not can do this, "Cronow."



No. No friend, "Cronow."



Not good for, for me.



My brother,

okay, friends.



But Vietnam ladies not friends.



Please. Okay?



Not friends.



Great week.



That's about as good a polka

as you'll ever hear.



You want Cronauer

back on the air.



We've gotten duffel bags

filled with information asking

for Cronauer's reinstatement.



The men all hate Hauk.

They want Cronauer back.



He's an exhilarating personality,

and polkas are just no substitute.



- I think I see a pattern forming here.

- Sir, these letters are unequivocal.



Uh, e.g. "Hey, Hauk, eat a bag

of shit. You suck."



That's pretty much to the point, sir.

Not much grey area in this one.



We got one positive call from some guy

in Wichita who thought Hauk's comedy

was visionary and interesting.



The other   OO calls said that the man

can't do comedy to save his dick.



- That's a direct quote, sir.

- I've taken  O calls this morning.

They just don't like Hauk.



From a marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk

sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls."



I have no idea what that means, sir,

but it seems very negative to me.



I think the troops are tryin'

to tell us somethin', fellas.



Sir, if it is my programming

choices, I can change.



I've been broadcasting

the polkas because I thought

a certain segment of the men...



weren't represented by Cronauer's

broadcasts of rock and roll.



But I can easily play

an occasional Gay Lewis record.



It doesn't make a damn whether

you play polkas or don't play polkas.

Military politics.



Nothing personal. The men just

like him better than they do you.



He maliciously and with purposeful

intent read unofficial news.



No, no, no, no.

He made a mistake.



We all make mistakes. Now this thing

is a delicate balance over here...



and I don't want it

dependent on a disc jockey.



The men want him back,

I want him back.



Sir, you heard from the men

who don't like my humour, but what

about the silent masses who do?.



And as far as polkas, they are

a much-maligned musical taste.



Lieutenant, you don't know whether

you're shot, fucked, powder-burned or

snake-bit. I don't care about polkas.



They're rioting in Hue. We're bringin'

in thousands of troops every month.



Terrorism's on the uprise

in Saigon.



The problems of this country have not

one goddamned thing to do with...



whether you play polkas

or don't play polkas.



The men want him back.

I want him back.



Reinstate the man.



Sir, in my heart...



I know I'm funny.



Thank you, Lieutenant.



- There you are, sir.

- Please don't call me "sir."



It just came down the pike.

You're back on the air, sir.



- I'm not goin' on.

- What do you mean

you're not goin' on?



If you don't understand what I said,

maybe you should take my English class.

I'm not goin' on.



You're a very attractive man, Abersold.

Don't think I haven't noticed.



- You'll be bored, you know.

What are you gonna do with your time?

- I don't know.



I may go downtown, look

for a Vietnamese man named Phil.



Or I may just stay here

and listen to old Pat Boone records.



Try and find some hidden meaning

'cause basically I believe that

that man is a misunderstood genius.



Genius. What are you

saying to me?



I'm sayin' I'm through, Ed. I'm tired

of people tellin' me what I can't say.



This news isn't official.

That comment is too sarcastic.



I can't even make fun of

Richard Nixon, and there's a man

who's screaming out to be made fun of.



So fuck it. Sorry.



- Is he all right?

- No, Phil, he's not all right.



A man does not refer to Pat Boone

as a beautiful genius

if things are all right.



- Sir.

- Garlick?



I'd like you to collate these

one-minute spots prior to broadcast.



You have a problem

with that, young man?



Absolutely not.

I live to collate, sir.



Good. So do I.



- "Get A Job."

- Get a job. Again.



- Get a job. Right. You got it.

You're cookin' now.

- Sir?



- Edward.

- I'd like an explanation.



- On anything in particular?

- A lot of people

went to the mat for you.



Thousands of guys wrote in, called in,

tryin' to get you reinstated.



And I literally think

that you owe it to all of them

to get your ass back on the air.



If you haven't noticed,

the army doesn't really want me, Ed.



They've been harassing me since

the day I got of the plane.



So what? It's the guys

in the field that matter, remember?

Those are the guys that are dyin'.



Edward, I tried to tell the truth,

and they kicked me of the air.



I screw up once more,

Dickerson sends me into the field

with a rifle. I come home in a box.



What you do is important

to a lot of people.



Forget it, will ya?

Listen. I give up.



I'm gonna phone 'em in, okay?

Enough bullshit.

I'm outta here. See you, fellas.



- Buy you some lunch.

- Can't let you do that.



Listen, if I don't get to my class,

there's gonna be a bunch of Vietnamese

speaking in short choppy sentences.



- Look, we gotta talk.

We gotta talk now.

- Not now, man. Come on.



I can't believe you!

What? That's it?



You're gonna leave the whole fuckin'

thing behind. You're gonna leave

everything fuckin' hanging.



- People are depending on you!

- Edward, please.



That's two nasty words

in one year.



- Forgive me.

- Hey.



Hey, you wanna give me a ride to school

or am I gonna have to buy another bike?



You're pissin' me off.



- What the hell's the hold-up?

- Check it out.



Garlick, will you cut it out?

You're beginning to sound like

a priest in a ' Os movie.



We are not firing you

when the boys are dependin' on you.



- Gentlemen?

- What are you doing, Ed?



Hey, guys. Guess who the hell

I got in here.



- Uh-oh. Don't do this shit.

- Groucho Marx!



- Senator Dirksen.

- Hey, Curly!




-Come on, come on, come on. Guess again.

-Oh, bag it. Bag it, Garlick.



The fellow I got in here is

the gentleman, the one and the only...



- You're a dead man.

- king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer.



Hey, Peterson, get up here, man.

I think we got Cronauer here.



Hey, Cronauer, say

"Good morning, Vietnam."



Oh, give me a break, man.

It's too hot for radio shit, okay?



- Come on.

- Come on!



- How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer?

- Okay.



I'll give her the best shot.



Good morning, Vietnam!



All right! All right!



We love you, Cron!



All right, this is Adrian Cronauer.

I'm on at  :OO and again at  :OO.



Hey, we'd like to welcome you

to Vietnam, the country

that is more stimulating...



than a strong cup of cappuccino

or an espresso enema.



That one's comin' right at you

right now, but first,

our fashion report from Special Forces

Sergeant Ernest Lee Sincere.



"Thank you. I think this fall,

the discerning GI is gonna

be wearing green in the jungle.



Why? Because it matches

with the green. I don't know.



The leaves, they fall upon the helmets,

says yes to me." Thank you.



Here's a little news flash

comin' yourway right now.



We can't afford the teletype.

Here it is, comin' for you

right now. Quick news flash.



Former President Eisenhower,

actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.



He was quoted as saying:

"Thank you, America.



It was fun being President."



Also, Gina Lollobrigida has been

declared the Italian National

Mountain Range.



Thank you, Gina. "Look out.

Look, I don't see the sun any more."



Let's play a little game show while

we're waiting. And who can tell me

who sang the song "My Guy"?



- Hi. Where you from?

- Uh, Boston.



- Boston, you know who

sang the song "My Guy"?

- Yeah, shit, I can't think of it.



Thank you for playing! "Yeah, shit,

I can't think of it." That's right.



You don't win the case of

fish balls and lizard testicles.

Thank you for playing anyway.



- Here it is right now.

Hey, what's your name?

- Patrick O'Ma-- O'Malley.



Patrick O-O-O-O'Malley. I don't know.

I'm just so happy. I'm O-O-O'Malley.



Oh, he's good.

I don't know. It's the Irish boy.



I'm just so full of semen.

I haven't gotten laid yet.



I'm sittin' out there,

and I'm the Catholic boy and I don't

know when I'll be gettin' laid.



- I'm just goin' off to Vietnam.

Where you from?

- From the Village. New York.



From the Village? Well, nice to have you

here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam.



Obviously, you just said,

"Well, fuck it. I'll join the army

and be with people in green."



- It's a special thing to do.

Hey, what's your name?

- Jimmy Wilkes.



- Jimmy Wilkes. Where you from, Jimmy?

- I'm also New York.



Ohh! Two boys

joined together.



Hey, said, "Well, I got drunk, man.

All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.



Next thing you know, I'm on

a fuckin' truck. What happened?"



It's wild, baby.

I don't know what's goin' down.

But you're both from New York.



Nice to have you here.

Like, you just, like hangin' out?



- You're headed north.

Where you goin' to?

- Nha Trengh.



Well, you gotta be careful,Jack.

That's some heavy stuff up there.



That's like Newark after dark.

You gotta watch out.



There's some heavy shit

goin' down, baby.



You'll feel like George Wallace

campaigning in Harlem.

"Hi, have you seen my face?"



"Get yo' ass outta here!"

You gotta watch it.

What type of music do you like?



- You like, uh-- You like Little

Anthony? You like Little Anthony?

- Yeah! Stones.



- I like James Brown better.

- You like James Brown better. Yes, sir.



And the Stones. Oh, you like

Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger, right.



Do you think he looks like

a photo negative of Little Richard

or am I crazy?



Really. And that hair. I think--

I don't know. All right!



Gentlemen, I don't know--

Oh, my God, these lips!



My God, they're moving!

I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.



Look out. I'm singing, everybody.

I'm singing. Oh, get outta here.



- Watch out. All right.

Where are you from? Where you from?

- I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man.



- Cleveland.

- Yeah.

- Obviously, Vietnam's not that much

of a change for you, then.



Aw, nah.



You guys take care of yourself, 'cause

you all look like: I don't know what's

gonna happen, man. I don't know.



- What's this thing on the side of

Your helmet? What is that thing

You're wearing? What do you got there?

- Here. Why don't you try it out?



Well, "Why don't you try it out?"

Look at this. Look at that. It says

here, it says what size you got.



You got large, medium

and Caucasian.



Look at this thing. A little

Italian party favour there. Oh!

"Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls."



Look at this thing. Obviously, this

is goin' like, "Yeah, check it out."



Hold on. Look. How big is this thing?

Hold on. How big is this?



Black man's goin', "It's just for

the tip. That's all I need is the tip."



It's a bathing cap.

I just like to put a bathing cap.



Remember, this is the Vietnamese word

"Con Dum." Look. Italian moon launch.



There. Whoa, jeez.

It almost blew up in my face.



There's prophylactic everywhere, man.

It's not a pretty picture.



There's pieces of rubber

all over his face.



I don't know what to say.

You guys, be careful. What's your name?



- My name is Lewis Striker.

- Lewis Striker, Brother Striker.

Thank you, Brother Striker.



- Sean Donum.

- Sean Donum.

- Jay Snyder.



Feels like the Mouseketeers show.

Annette, Cubby, Roy!



Well, you guys, you take care

of yourselves. I won't forget you.



All right, guys, let's say goodbye

to the radio star. We're outta here.






All right!



Good morning, Vietnam!



Hey, it's another delightful day

here in Vacationland



Everybody, time to get up,



Get up, wherever you are,



That's right, rise and shine,

rise and shine!



Got some songs goin' out

right now to a couple of guys

on the road to Nha Trengh.



You know what I'm talkin' about.

Hey, Mr O'Malley, O'Malley.



You know.

The Irish Dolby twins.



They're out there. Special song

goin' out to you, right now.



I see trees of green



red roses too



I see them bloom



For me and you



And I think to myself



what a wonderful world



I see skies of blue



and clouds of white



The bright blessed day



the dark sacred night



And I think to myself



what a wonderful world



The colours of the rainbow



so pretty in the sky



Are also on the faces



Of people going by



I see friends shakin' hands




"How do you do?"



They're really saying

"I love you"



I hear babies cryin'



I watch them grow



They'll learn much more



than I'll ever know



And I think to myself



what a wonderful world



Yes, I think to myself,



what a wonderful world



- Oh,yeah

- Oh,yeah



That was Louis B. Armstrong,

the great Satchmo.



Want to interview some GIs

in the field, sir? And play

those tapes on the radio?



God only knows

what they'd say, sir.



It involves Cronauer, which

makes me suspicious immediately.



An Lac. And Cronauer would definitely

be going along? Hold on a minute, sir.



G-  Corporal Tiser, sir.



One moment.



- Route One-A, sir,

is the only route to An Lac, sir.

- Does that road have a secure status?



No, sir, it does not.

That road is Victor Charlie, sir.



- It is definitely not a friendly area.

- Negative, sir. It is not.



It is hazardous and, uh,

has been for about    hours.



Heavily fortified and considered

very unsafe, sir.



Thank you.



Sir, I recommend we issue

a   -hour pass.



So this is the country where

they grow rattan love seats.



God, is it hot.

What a country.



Heat, humidity, terrorism. Still,

it's better than New York in the summer.



Hey, fellas,

how's the cough drop business?



You know, we haven't passed

too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh.



Why do you make every Vietnamese town

sound like a Mexican restaurant?



Britain imposed an oil embargo

on Rhodesia today...



after that country's unilateral

declaration of independence.



Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive

Islands join the United Nations.



Sertse Khama becomes

the first premier of Bechuanaland.



In sports, all-star rookie

Pete Rose's three hits--



What do you think

you'll do after all this, Ed?

When you get out of the army?



I think I learned enough

about radio stations--



I mean, maybe I can work

in a station back home or something.



Really? Give me your best shot.

Lay somethin' on me.



Give it a go.

Give it a go.



This is Eddie Garlick comin' to you live

from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.



Now funkify it. Give me some real funk.

Give it to me, Edward.



This is Eddie Garlick, com--



Good morning, Vietnam!



You're listening to Eddie Kirk

on AFRS. I have a big special--



...for, but we need

to hear your requests,



So send in your postcards

to Eddie Kirk, right here.






You fine. How you are?

Take you home.



You come out.

No problem.



Take you home.

Safe now from VC.



Hi. This is Marty Lee Dreiwitz

at Cronauer Control Centre.



Adrian Cronauer is on

temporary assignment...



and I'll be filling in until he arrives,

hopefully sometime this morning.



Right now, let's play a song

from Adrian's own playlist,

one of AC's favourites.



It's going to be an exciting day

of listening and learning,

so please, tune in.



"Sukiyaki," "Volare,"

"The Portuguese Washerwoman"...



- and "Third Man Theme"

on the Kirk International--

- Baby, please don't go



Baby, please don't go



Baby, please don't go

down to New Orleans



You know I love you so

Baby, please don't go



- Baby, I'm done gone

Baby, I'm done gone

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.



- What's up?

- I try to find "Cronow."

He don't show up in class.



He didn't show up for work today

either. You know anything about this?



Listen, jerkoff!



We're here fighting for your country!

Now where did Cronauer go?



An Lac. His pass say "An Lac."



An Lac? Shit!



- You okay?

- Yeah. Yeah. You okay?






Come on, pal.

We'll make it.



- I have a hunch.

- Yeah.



Baby, please don't go



- VC. The fuckin' VC.

- Tell me somethin' I don't know, okay?



On that midnight train



Baby, please don't go



- How far you think we've gone?

- Ten, fifteen miles.



Think we've reached Cambodia yet?



How can you fight a war

in this shit?



I don't know where they are.

I don't even know where I am.



Can't see dick.

Like hunting with Ray Charles.



It okay! You can come out now.



If you here, I cannot find you

unless you talk to me.



It's too dangerous

staying here.



You don't believe it's me?

Okay. Flip them the bird!



- Tuan?

- Hey, there you are, "Cronow."



How the hell'd you

find us, Sparky?



Your Jeep.



We're obviously not in Cambodia.



Try it again.



One more time.



God damn it. Our Jeep gets blown off

the road, and his van won't start.



- That's great. You know why

we ended up in the same place?

- Why is that?



Your limp pulled us to the right.

We were going around in circles.



Stick with me. I don't want

to go around again.



We're not in Kansas

any more, Toto.






Somewhere over there.



There it is, man. Yo!



Yo! Right there!



Yo, GI!

Hello, sailor! Hello!



Boogaloo, boogaloo! Hey!



To avoid razor burn problems,

always rinse your razor

with cold water instead of hot.



Your skin will look and feel

a whole lot better.



That's it for "Hygiene in the Heat."

Tomorrow we'll--



- Welcome back.

- Thank you, Sergeant. I've missed you.



I'm informing you that you're

outta here. I want your bags packed

and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.



- You don't have the power.

I'll take this right to the authorities.

- I am the authorities, you moron!



Oh, I got your pansy ass

in a sling now, Cronauer. Who's Tuan?



The guys who flew you in from An Lac

radioed they'd picked up a young South

Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.



- Who is this South Vietnamese boy?

- He's a friend from my class

who risked his ass to save my life.



A friend?

Your friend is a VC terrorist.



Yeah, and my mother's

a werewolf, right? Yeah.



Tuan is also known as

Phan Duc Tho.



He's currently wanted by the

South Vietnamese police in connection

with several bombings in th area...



including the one

at Jimmy Wah's.



Surely you're familiar

with that incident.



Did you ever wonder how

a young South Vietnamese boy gets

into and out of VC-held territory.



It's dangerous out there.

Things just jump out at you.



And yet this boy can get in

and out without a scratch.



And what about Jimmy Wah's? Didn't you

ever wonder why you were pulled out...



just moments before

the whole place blew up?



Or are you normally

not that inquisitive?



Friends of Phan Duc Tho.



These three were executed shortly

after this photo was taken.



Your friend is next.



I don't recommend that you tangle

with me on this one, Airman.



There's not too many high-ranking

officers would be sympathetic to

a serviceman with links to terrorists.



The army is kind of

quirky that way.



A conviction on the charge of treason

against the United States carries

with it some penalties...



kind of on the stiff side,

if you know what I mean.



I have arranged for

an honourable discharge, provided

you leave without incident.



- Ten hut.

- At ease.



Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about

this thing. God damn it, I like you, son.



I like what you do. Most of all,

I like what you've done for the men.



But facts are facts.



This could give the army

a black eye. I'm not gonna

cover for you this time, son.



Sir? What about the show?



We'll handle it.



I'm sorry, son.



Why'd you do this?



I don't like your style,

your politics or your sense of humour.



I don't like what you say

or how you say it.



From now on, the fighting men

of Vietnam will hear exactly

what they're supposed to hear.



You're on a DC-  from Tan Son Nhut

airport tomorrow at   i: O hours.



I recommend

you pack quietly.



That's all I have

for you, Airman.



You know...



you're in more dire need of a blow job

than any white man in history.



Whoa, there, Dick. Put the brakes on.

I wanted to wait till the airman

left to talk with you.



Uh, Dick,

I'm transferring you.



- Transferring me, sir?

- Mm-hmm.



- Where to, sir?

- You're going to Guam.



Guam, sir! There's nothin' goin'

on in Guam! Why Guam?



Dick, I've covered for you

a lot of times 'cause I thought

you was a little crazy.



But you're not crazy. You're mean.

And this is just radio.



"More dire need of a blow job than

any white man in history." That's funny.



Hey, Teacher! When are you gonna

teach us the softball?



Listen, I gotta talk to you.

Now! Come on.



- Mr Cronauer, I must talk to you.

- Oh, Minh, not now.



- Listen, you gotta tell me

where your brother is.

- Don't know.



Listen, his life is in danger.

You gotta tell me where the hell he is.



- No, I don't--

- Bullshit!



Listen. No more games, okay?

The army knows about your brother.



I have to leave the country

because of my association with him.



They have pictures of him.

If they find him, they will shoot him.



If you want to continue to have

a brother, you take me to him now!



Phan Duc Tho!



Get back here!



Know about

the bombings, Sparky.



No wonder you hauled ass.



You were my friend.



I trusted you.



You hear me?



You naive man, "Cronow."

You take a stupid side.



Now you have to go.

It's better off.



That's not the fucking point!



Understand me?



I fought to get you into that bar,

and then you blow the fuckin' place up.



Listen. I gave you

my friendship and my trust...



and now they tell me that

my best friend is the goddam enemy!



Enemy? What is enemy?



You killing my own people

so many miles from your home.



We not the enemy.

You the enemy!



You used me to kill two people.

Two people died in that fuckin' bar.



Big fucking deal!



My mother is dead.



And my older brother,

who be    years old, he dead.



Shot by Americans.



My neighbour, dead.

His wife, dead.






Because we're not

human to them.



We're only little Vietnamese.



And I'm stupid enough to save

your bullshit life at An Lac.






We're here to help this country.

Where the fuck you goin'?



It's unbelievable.



Five months in Saigon...



and my best friend

turns out to be a VC.



This will not look good

on a résumé!



- You guys mind if I drive?

- Be my guest.



It's a simple rule. If the engine's

humming, it's already started.



Never fails. You guys mind

if we make a little unscheduled stop?

I got something I gotta do.



If you attempt to deviate

from the afore planned schedule,

you're under arrest, Cronauer.



Okay, everybody, let's play ball!



Go into conference.

That point. That fence.



- Okay, here we go.

- Go, batter. Go, batter.



Whoa! Headin' north!



Let's go! Was it a double

or a daiquiri?



Wait a minute.

All right!



Thank you!



Whoa. A little conference here, Wilk.

A little conference. Time out, everyone.



This not like a real baseball. It's much

smaller and harder than-- than this one.



You got me there, Wilk, because--

I'm sorry. We have no budget, you see.



And I gotta get on a plane,

and we have to do with what we can.

Give me your hand.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you all the same.



- Thank you all the same, and--

You wanna take the ball?

- No.



Okay. We gotta play, Wilk.

You're pitchin'. There's only--



I want to turn in the ball to the--

see, the original place.



- Okay. Let's take one more ball here.

This one's a better one.

- No, no.



- Not that one?

- No need.

- We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk.



- Bear with me, okay?

- Okay.

- We haven't got the money, pal.



- Anyway--

- Okay? Is that one okay?

- I accept that this is

a very good substitute.



- Okay. Let's just play

with the substitute then, okay?

- Okay.



- Okay.

- This is a deal.

- It's a deal?

- This is a deal.



Okay, take the ball with you,

then, Wilk. I'll give you money

if you take the ball.



- No.

- No?

- I'm sorry.

- Okay.



- I'm-I'm-- I've no money. Sorry.

- Is there a psychiatrist here?



Whoa! Whoa!



Whoa! Whoa!



Yeah! Go!

Run, run, run! Okay.



He's not out till you have

both hands on the ball!



Keep your eye on the fruit.

That's it. Eye on the fruit.



Okay, on the fruit,

on the fruit.



- Go, go! Run, Minh! Run!

- Come on, Minh!

- Run, Minh!



Keep go-- Keep going!



- She's actually goin' home.

- Well, I'm goin'out West

where I belong



- That's it. We'll all change sides.

- Where the days are short

and the night are long



- Yes, Wilkie!

- Well, they walk and I walk



- They twist and I'll twist

- Hey, Wilk. Wilk, you got a base hit.



they shimmy and I'll shimmy

The fly and I'll fly



Well, they're out there




In that warm California sun



Well, I'm goin'out West

out on the coast



Where the California girls

are really the most



Where they walk

and I'll walk



They twist

and I'll twist



They shimmy

and I'll shimmy



They fly

and I'll fly



Well, they're out there




In that warm California sun



Yeah, me too.

Hey, hey. Oh, hey.



When you look like Goliath,

so might you...



- You take care. Take care.

- beware of-of some-some David.



We had a great day.



Thank you.



Well, Mr Cronauer,

we, we thank-thank you for your

fine teaching about softball...



and we have learned a lot from you

and we wish you good luck and success.



- Thank you, Wilkie.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



- You guys ready to go?

- Can you give me a minute?



Man, he's gonna say goodbye to

the whole goddam country now.



I want to say goodbye

before you go.



To tell you...



thank you for being so kind.



So many things not happen

the way you want it.



You so good person...



but I could not with you.



We are so different.



I say "tomato."

You say "xioh phoung."



See you.



- Staggers the imagination.

- Makes me unique, doesn't it?



- What a plus.

- Flip them the bird!



Left, right!



Three, four!



Left, left!

Left, right, left!



Left, left!

Left, right, left!



Left, left!

Left, right, left!



It was a pleasure making

your acquaintance, sir. Thanks.



- Cut that out, Garlick.

We're the same rank.

- What will I do without you, sir?



- Well, you carry on, Montesque.

- Cary on, Montesque.



Carry on. I like that. It makes me feel,

uh, British or something.



I've got something here

for you.



I want you to play this. It says

goodbye to everybody stayin' behind.



- I'll take care of it pronto, sir.

- You could get in trouble for that.



I requisitioned for a name change.

Trouble is actually my new middle name.



Well, I'll give you the old chuck

on the shoulder now.



It's a stupid thing to do,

isn't it?



You take care.



Ed, your fly's open.



Made you look.



Good morning, Vietnam!



This is Eddie Garlick

coming to you live from AFRS...



Armed Forces Radio Saigon.



It's   :   hours here in Saigon,

and Airman Adrian Cronauer

is going home today.



But he left a farewell message

for all you guys out there

still sweating it out in the fields.



So without further ado,

here's a farewell extravaganza.



Goodbye, Vietnam!



That's right, I'm history, I'm out of

here, I got the luck ticket home, baby,



Rollin; rollin; rollin'

Keep them wagons rollin'. Rawhide



Yeah, that's right,

The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast.



And this one is brought to you

by your friends at the Pentagon.



Remember the people who brought you

Korea? That's right, the US Army.



If it's being done correctly,

here or abroad, it's probably

not being done by the Army.



"I heard that, "Oh, ho,

you're here!Good to see you,



"I'm here to make sure

you don't say anything controversial."



Speaking of things controversial,

is it true that there is

a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?



"No, it's not a problem,

Everybody has it."



"I don't know, Adrian, "

Leo! Leo.



'Adrian, take care of yourself

I just want you to know one thing,



If you're going to be dressing in

civilian clothes, don't forget pumps."



Thanh you, Leo. Thanks for these,

Oh, these are special.



"They're ruby slippers, Adrian.

Put these on and say,

'There's no place like home...



there's no place like home,'

and you can be there."



I hope.

I hope we all could.




Special help by SergeiK