Guide For the Married Man Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Guide For the Married Man Script





- Darling?

- As soon as I finish the chapter, honey.



How many more pages?



- About eight.

- Oh.



- Shall we leave it till tomorrow maybe, darling?

- Sure. Okay, honey.



- Night.

- Night.






What we need in the world today



Is a guide for the married man



Some simple thing that in every way



Would provide for the harried man



Help him not to worry



Assist him to relax



Help him slow his heart rate



And spare him cardiacs

Yeah, yeah, yeah



Such a guide would in many ways



Turn the tide for the married man



Enable husbands to fill their days



As only the married can



Every man would praise it



It's such a splendid plan



Someday soon we shall point with pride



To the guide



For the married man



By the side of the married man



'Tis the lady who shares his life



You help the bride of the married man



By removing the husband's strife



Every wife who's truthful



Who treasures married bliss



Must keep her husband youthful



What better way than this



Each and every device we know



Should be tried by the married man



And who can question the debt he'll owe



To the guide for the married man



It will list things universal



From Pittsburgh to Japan



And every man can be satisfied



By the guide



For the married man



The married man, the married man



- Hi, Mr. Manning!

- Hiya, Charlie baby.



- Go get Debbie. Tell 'em we're waiting.

- Okay.



And hurry back out.

Hiya, Paul.



- Hi, Ed. Nice morning, isn't it?

- Beautiful.



- How's Ruth?

- Fine. Harriet?



Fine. Oh, that reminds me.



Look, if it should happen to come up,

I had lunch with you yesterday.



Yesterday? No, no, no.

That was Thursday.



- Yesterday, I had lunch with-

- With me, Paul. With me.



Oh. Yeah.



Who was she, Ed?



When I left the barbershop

a few days ago...



there was this lady traffic cop...



and she was writing me out

a parking ticket.



- Hi, Daddy! Hi, Daddy!

- Daddy! Hi!



But how did you know

she'd be willing?



After a while, you sort of begin

to develop a nose for it.



Yes, but at the beginning-

the first time, for instance.



How did you know

the first time?



- Instinct.

- Hey, Daddy! Daddy, look!



Well, what if you don't have instinct?



You have to sort of put out feelers.

You know, a little joke first.



- What?

- You have to sort of put out feelers.



- A-A little joke first, and then you-

- Joke?



- You can joke at a time like that?

- Why not?



I don't know. I just thought

you'd be too, uh, scar- too fri-



- Do you have to take her out first?

- Daddy.!



But what if someone recognizes your car

in front of the motel?



Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat.



Daddy.! Look at me.



- Hi, kids. Hi.

- Hi, hi.



- Do all married guys do it, Ed?

- No, no.



Maybe there comes a time

in every marriage...



when the guy considers it,

but not all of them give in to it.



Only about   %.



Which I think is about to go up to   .



Huh? No, not me.



Never. Never in a hundred years.



Never in a thousand years.

Never in a... million years.



A million.



Why, Ed? Why?

Why does a guy do it?



I can understand it if he doesn't like his wife

or he isn't happy at home.



But why if he loves his wife, if he's crazy

about her and he's glad he's married to her...



and he never wants

to be married to anyone else?



- Why, Ed? Why?

- Lots of reasons.



A manifestation of latent insecurity.



Can't get better meat than that.



But you know something?

You'd get awfully tired of it...



if you didn't have some fish

once in a while.



Because she's there.



- Is that why you do it?

- No, no, no, no.



Remember how it used to be with a girl

when you first met her?



- Heart leaping with joy.

- Yeah.



A song on your lips.



- I wanted to feel that again.

- Yeah. Feel that.



- I knew I was right when I heard

what happened to this guy. - Uh-huh?



Married    years...



   of the cleanest years you ever saw.



Never so much as looked at another girl,

never mind the other thing.



And then-









Yeah. Right in front of

his wife and everything.



- Boy, oh, boy.

- I wouldn't wanna do that to Harriet.



And I'll tell you

a very interesting thing.



- It helped my marriage.

- Really?



Uh-huh. Every once in a while,

I used to resent Harriet-



like it was her fault

I was missing out on all the others.



Now I haven't resented her

for six and a half years.



No kidding?



- Right in front of his wife and everything, eh?

- Yeah.



Boy, I'd sure hate for me to do something

like that in front of Ruth and everything.



- Paul?

- Hmm?



- Are you trying to tell me something?

- No, no.



It's just that... I was thinking-



Well, if it would keep a guy from doing

something like that in front of his wife-



- Maybe I'm just not-

- Beer! Popcorn! Peanuts! Cold drinks!



- Two beers, lady.

- I'll have two beers too, lady.



- Thank you, sweetheart.

- My pleasure.



Harriet says we'll be eating

in about an hour.



Right smack in front of her, huh?



And it's clear to the naked eye...



that you're gonna take the plunge

any day now.



- I am?

- There's no doubt about it.



I was the same way before I began.



- Hey, fellas.

- Come in, Harriet.



Them as wants their hamburgers

rare or medium rare better shake a leg.



- We'll be right out.

- Yeah.



Believe me, kid.

You're primed, ready and willing.



Yeah. I'm afraid maybe I am.



- Well, what about Ruth?

- Ruth who?



- Ruth, your wife.

- No, no, no. You don't understand.



- That's not who I- Oh.

- That's right. Oh.



Never a second thought to maybe

she'll find out and cry and everything.



- But, Ed, you do it all the time.

- So?



So, aren't you afraid

you'll make Harriet cry and everything?



No. Because I had enough

sense of decency.



I loved Harriet enough to wait

until I learned how to do it well.






That's why I want you

to promise me something-



that you'll hold off

until I can give you a few pointers...



before getting

into the old ball game.



Okay, Ed. You're the coach.



Will you look at that?



The poor kid.

Baby, your eyes must be killing you.



- Here. Here, let me do that.

- Thank you, darling.



What a mess. Women shouldn't

be allowed near these things.



There's so much to know.

So much to know.



Where to take her, how to choose her,

what to do if a man answers.



- Hang up?

- Wrong.



Ask to speak to Jack

and then say you got a wrong number?



- What if his name happens to be Jack?

- Oh.



See? Already you're in trouble.



What do you do if a man answers?



You put your hand over the mouthpiece

so he doesn't hear you breathing.



Then he'll think there's something wrong

with the connection...



- and hang up.

- Yeah.



Then, of course, you've got to get out

of the house at night...



- without arousing suspicion.

- You do, don't you?



Unless you're unemployed

and have your afternoons free.



Oh. Well, I could say

that I was at the office working late.



And what happens

if Ruth should phone you there...



and find you're not there working late?



- Oh.

- Which brings us to basic principle number one.



Never, never say you'll be...



where you can be found not to be.



Yes. I can see that.



Boy, oh, boy. It gets

pretty complicated, doesn't it?



Protecting your loved ones

is never easy, kid.



Yes. Then how do you get out of the house

at night without arousing suspicion?



Well, it depends upon

the kind of wife you've got.



This guy I knew,

he invented a brilliant gambit.



He used what he called

the "bust-up scene. "



He'd provoke a fight.



- Joe?

- Yeah?



- Hi, baby.

- Hi, honey.



- How are the kids?

- Fine.



- Good. What's for dinner?

- Chicken.



Chicken? We just had that

two days ago.



No. That was last Thursday

we had chicken.



- Are you callin' me a liar?

- No, honey. I just-



A man kills himself workin'

for his wife and family all day long.



What does he get when he gets home?

Chicken and insults.



- Honey.

- It's not bad enough we have chicken every day-



We do not have chicken every day.



Why don't you learn how to cook

somethin' else for a change?



I do! Yesterday,

we had pot roast.



- That was pot roast, huh?

- Yeah!



Tasted more like the pot

than the roast.



- Are you complaining about my cooking?

- Yes.



Well, if you don't like it,

why don't you go someplace else?



- All right! I will!

- All right! Go ahead!



Aw, quiet!






- Hello?

- Baby. Baby, I'm sorry.



- Well, you ought to be.

- Yeah, yeah. I feel terrible, baby.



- I don't know why you put up with me.

- Neither do I.



- Did you eat?

- Yeah. I caught a hamburger in some joint.



Then I sort of just drove around.



- I feel terrible, honey.

- Well...



maybe we do have chicken

a little too often.



No, no. Honey-

Honey, it's not that.



It's just this crazy temper of mine.



I don't know why

I keep takin' it out on you.



Well, maybe that's what a wife is for.



- Oh, no. Honey, I love your chicken.

- Really, honey?



But most of all, I love you, honey.



I love you, honey.



See ya tonight, baby.



Did you notice his use

of the continuous-action verb-



"keep on taking it out on you"?



Thereby setting it up for next time.




It's a pretty elaborate way of doing it, isn't it?



Yeah. Thereby proving

how deeply he cares for his wife.



Hello, darling.



Hello, honey.



- What's for dinner?

- Vichyssoise, casserole cassoulet...



mousse à la russe

and Irish coffee.



- Well, that sounds expensive.

- Expensive?



A couple of potatoes, three-quarters

of a pound of sausage, four eggs.



What-What kind of food

is that to give to a child?



Deborah? She's already eaten.



Cauliflower, creamed spinach

and lamb chops.



That's the trouble with Ruth.

She's such a wonderful wife.



Look, Paul, if you care enough

for your wife...



you can always find something about her

that you can't stand.



Oh. Hi, darling.



What are you so cheerful about?



Did it ever occur to you

that I may not be feeling cheerful?



No. You're much too selfish for that.



Always thinking only of yourself!



Well, if you think I'm just gonna

stick around here watching you be cheerful...



you're sadly mistaken.



And I'm gonna come back

when I'm good and rea-



Oh, I'm sorry. Honey, I'm terr-



terribly... sorry.



After the bust-up scene,

okay, flowers.



But if you didn't even do it.



Maybe I'm just not cut out

for the whole thing.



I mean, it's just that she's so sensitive.

Thank you.



Sure. I understand, kid.

Harriet's the same way.



If she weren't, would I make all those sacrifices

to keep her from finding out?



Yeah. I suppose so.



What would make a sensitive woman

like Ruth fight back?



Well, I know what bugs Harriet-



when I act like

I'm the lord of the manor...



and she's a lowly peasant like-



Once I complained that some men have a drink

waiting for them when they get home.



Boy, did she give it to me.



"Yes, Your Royal Highness.



"At your service, Your Majesty.



Your slightest wish

is my command, O big shot. "



Hi, darling. Darling!



- What happened?

- Uh!



- Are you all right?

- It's all right. I hurt my back a bit.



- Nothing serious.

- Oh, your back?



- Listen, Ruth. Some men-

- Oh, you poor dear. Shall I call the doctor?



- No. Now, listen to me. Will you listen to me?

- Maybe some heating pads.



- Some men, when they come home at night-

- I've got a better idea.



- A steam bath. It'll soothe-

- A steam bath- Steam bath?



- Uh-huh.

- Where you stay over all night?



- Yes.

- For men only?












Oh, darling.



Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.



I think you've got big things

ahead of you, kid.



Thanks, Ed.

I hated lying to her though.



I know, but you gotta keep remembering

it's for her own good.



Yes. That's true. I keep telling myself.



Sure. It's the least we can do for them.



Mr. Manning.

Mr. Fordyce called.



He wants to know whether it's right

to liquidate the Muriett Valley holdings.



No, no. No, no.

Tell him, um...



considering the prepaid interest factor...



there's a distinct tax benefit...



in waiting until the next...



fiscal period.



No, no. Tell him

I'll "fall" him- uh, call him.



Yes, sir.



- No, Paul.

- Huh?



- Uh.

- Oh. Why not?



You're not ready yet, kid.

And about the steam bath, kid...



there's one little improvement you can make,

if you don't mind my saying so.



No, no. Go right ahead.



Tell Ruth that you're

switching to a Finnish sauna.



- A Finnish sauna?

- Yeah, where they hit you with tree branches...



while you're sweating it out.



- Why is that better?

- Well, you never know.



Someday, you may find yourself with a friend

who gets sort of carried away.



The tree branches would explain the scratches

on your back.






A bottle of Old Ironsides, please.

Giant, economy size.



Yes, sir.



- Aftershave lotion-worth its weight in gold.

- Really? Why?



It's not very likely

that your wife and your friend...



use the same kind of perfume, is it?



Which can result in complications.









W- Wait. Wait. Stop.

Hold everything.



Didn't you ever see a man

lose anything before? Get going.



- Hi, sweet.

- Oh, hello, dear.



How was the P.T.A. meeting?



- Oh, dull. Dull, as usual.

- Yes.



Thank you for volunteering to go alone.



Why should both of us be bored?



Certainly knocks you out though.



I think I'll hit the hay.



Well, you deserve it, dear.

Good night, dear.



Good night, sweet.



That's when I realized

some defensive measure had to be taken.



I tried dozens of them

before I found Old Ironsides.



Really? What do you think

makes it so special?



- Here. Smell it.

- Wow.



The most powerful aftershave lotion

on the market.



A few drops of this, and you "outsmell"

any woman's perfume ever invented.



- No kidding?

- Yeah.



- Hey. There's Irma Johnson.

- Who?



- Irma Johnson. My neighbor.

- Where?






Come on.



What big eyes you have, Grandma.



Huh? Yeah. Yeah.

I have very big eyes.



Your memory isn't bad either.



Yeah, well, I, uh-



- Hi.

- Hi.



- How nice to see you.

- Really?



It's nice to be seen.



- Irma Johnson, my neighbor, I'd

like you to meet, uh- - Ed Stander.



- Nice to meet you, Mrs. Johnson.

- Nice meeting you too.



We were just on our way to lunch

when I happened to recognize you.



From behind?



Well, I have very big eyes.



And deliciously long eyelashes

to go with them.



- Really?

- Uh-huh.



Well, it was lovely

running into you two.



- Seriously?

- Yes.



- Uh, nice meeting you too, Mr. Stander.

- Likewise.



- Uh, toodle-oo.

- Toodle.



Oh, boy.



- What's the matter?

- What's the matter?



You might as well be wearing a neon sign

announcing your intentions.



- I'm sorry, Ed.

- It's those little things that count, kid.



They're the difference between

a happy and an unhappy marriage.



Yeah. I'll watch 'em, Ed.

Listen, can I get Old Ironsides in any drugstore?



Oh, Paul, Paul. Baby, baby.



- But you said that I ought to buy it.

- Sure.



But we mustn't forget about Ruth,

must we?



- Ruth who?

- Ruth, your wife.



- Oh.

- What do you think she's gonna think?



Think? Just because I change

my aftershave lotion?



- Is that all you've done, Paul?

- Yeah, sure.



- Yeah? Uh? Uh?

- Oh, you mean the back bit.



Aw, come on, Ed.

Being careful is one thing, but this?



She'd have to be clairvoyant

to connect the two.



If she has to, she will.



Now, Ed, you're being too careful.



Too careful, huh?



There was this guy.

He was a big movie star.



Have a nice day, darling.



There he is!



Morning, Maddock.



There you are, girls.

That's it for today, girls.



Be good to your mothers.



Hiya, Rance.



Good morning, Rance.

Aw, you look great, Rance.



Did you sleep well, Rance?

Can I do anything for you?



Oh, that's a new kid

the studio just put under contract.



Can I get you anything?



Hiya, Bill!

How have you been?



Hiya, Rance!

Good seein' ya.



Oh, by the way, Rance, I'd like you

to meet a little friend of mine.



Rance, this is Miss Stardust.

Miss Stardust, Rance.



- Pleased to meet you, Miss Stardust.

- Likewise, Your Stardom.



Rance, why don't you sit down

and join us for a minute?



Okay, but, uh, just for a moment.



How's Mrs. G., Rance?

Wonderful little lady.



You're a lucky guy to have

a little lady like that.



Loudmouth here tell you

how you can become a star?



You're the first one to know it,

too, aren't you?



Okay? Good.



A big star like myself has to be very careful.



So here's how we're gonna do it.



- Flight     to Honolulu.

- Flight   to New York.



And it's now costing him

$     a week...



not to mention the house,

car, insurance policies.



- Boy, oh, boy.

- Yeah. So repeat after me.



- There is no such thing...

- There is no such thing...



- as too careful.

- as too careful.



- Good boy.

- Maybe I ought to switch to Old Ironsides.



- Thank you.

- Yep.



Maybe if you bought it for me...



you know, sort of as a birthday present.



Yeah, that would be better, but-



Think how much still better it would be...



- if Ruth herself were to get it for you.

- Ruth who?



- Ruth, your wife.

- Oh.



Novelty Music, Canned Laughter]



Good-bye, Deborah.



Mommy, Mommy.!

Daddy smells.!



Well, it's really not nice to say that

about somebody, even a daddy.



It might hurt their feelings.



- May I help you, madam?

- Yes.



What is the most powerful

aftershave lotion you have?



I took one look at that babysitter,

and I thought to myself...



"Thank goodness my son's

only eight months old. "



My babysitter calls me the day before

and tells me what to put in the refrigerator.



That's Ed.



- Hi, Harriet. Hi, Ed.

- Hi.



- Hi, Ed.

- How are you, Paul?



Boy, oh, boy.

Did I feel like an awful heel.



If she knew, she'd thank you.



Don't worry, girls. The fellas promise

to let their wives drive home.



But who's going to drive the wives home?



Two drinks, and Freddie thinks

he's Batman.



Luckily, we don't have far to go.



Who's the water and scotch?

Who's the scotch and water?



...with his secretary for years.



Secretary. Huh! My three-year-old son

can type better than her.



- But he's not built like her.

- How can a woman be so blind?



And any guy who doesn't let her know

he's married right off the bat...



is just looking for trouble.



I don't know, Ed.

You lose an awful lot of them that way.



Better to lose one or two

than face something like this.



Oscar J. Schwartzcoff-

     Coldhaven Road-



is a dirty, double-crossing fink!



Oscar J. Schwartzcoff-

     Coldhaven Road-



is a dirty, double-crossing fink!



...which has been known to happen.



I'd kill mine if I even thought

he was doing it.



- Not me.

- You wouldn't?



No. As long as I didn't know,

I wouldn't care.



- What would you do if you did know?

- Pretend I didn't.



No. You're wrong, Ed. You take 'em

to the most popular place in town.



Where you're pretty sure to get seen

by some bigmouth...



who knows you and your wife.



Maybe, but even if it does get back to your wife,

you can always counter with...



"Would you have taken her to a place

where you were sure to be seen...



- if it weren't absolutely innocent?"

- Yes, but-



Yes, and your way-with the hideaway-

you get seen...



and it's prima facie evidence against you.



Granted, but my way fixes it...



so that it can't possibly get back

to your wife.



Why? What guarantee have you got...



that you won't get seen

in your crummy little hideaway?



None. Except that, if you are seen

by someone in the hideaway...



it's obviously someone else who's hiding away,

and who's he to talk?



Because then he's got to explain

what he was doing there himself.



And at    you'd think

they'd be finished with that sort of thing.



As long as there's breath in their bodies...



they're never finished

with that sort of thing.



...basically not monogamous.



Yeah. I suppose that's

as good a reason as any.



...but when a man is   

he can still get a   -year-old tootsie.



...this   -year-old chick- - A woman

would have to be in love first, but men-



Yeah, but, fellas,

is the whole thing worth it-



risking your marriage,

your home, your family?



That's exactly what I say.

It's not worth it.



Sometimes I wish I felt that way...



and then I see a perky little thing,

and I get- Ooh.



- But why? Why do they do it?

- Oh, lots of reasons.



Because he thinks

he's God's gift to women.



Because his wife didn't understand him.



The lucky girl.



Because he was a louse.



Isn't it funny how we happen

to leave the house...



at the same time every morning?



Maybe it's fate, doll.



If it is, it's a fate better than death.



- You are a devil, aren't you?

- Really?



A big-eyed, long-lashed devil.



- Seriously?

- Uh-huh.



- Do you believe in flaunting fate, Mr. Devil?

- Well, I, uh-



- I don't.

- Me neither.



Then maybe you can give me a lift

some morning.



- I can?

- Why not?



I could certainly use a lift

some mornings.



Yes. Who couldn't?



Big fella.



Who was the sexiest lady there tonight?



- You, dear.

- Really?



Yeah, sure.



Did you like the way I looked?



Yeah, great.



- How about my hair?

- How about it?



- Do you like it this way?

- Yeah, great.



How am I wearing it?



Uh, up-up there somewhere.



That's close.

And what was I wearing tonight?



- Wearing?

- Uh-huh.



Well, um, three-piece suit.



Uh, silver-lamé jacket

with long sleeves.



Under that,

a sleeveless-shell blouse...



with black striped bands

at the neck and waist.



Rhinestone earrings

and black velvet headband.



Silver handbag.

Silver shoes with matching bows...



and fashionable heels

with sling straps.



And straight, hip-hugging skirt.



Here you are, baby.






- Pussycat.

- Yeah?



If you had your choice

among all the girls at the party tonight-



You. Of course.



- And so would Harry Johnson.

- Oh, Ed.



No. I know the type.



Somebody else's grass is always greener.



- Really?

- Yeah.



That's why I want you

to be a little standoffish.



You know, civil but with a touch of

you can't stand him.



All right, darling,

but I can't really believe he's like that.



Well, I don't trust him one inch.



It doesn't matter about him, pussycat.



- As long as you and I trust each other.

- Yeah.



Darling, what were you men talking

so heatedly about tonight?



Oh, baseball, the stock market.

You know.



What were you girls talking about?



Oh, kids, new styles.

You know.



Yeah. Good party, wasn't it?






Darling, who did you think was

the most attractive woman there tonight?






- No. I mean it.

- So do I.



Okay. After me.



- Janet Brody.

- Really?



Then how come you were dancing

with Irma Johnson all night?



- Who?

- Irma Johnson.



It wasn't all night.

And as the host-



I really don't blame you, darling.



She's very attractive,

even if a bit obvious.



- Who?

- Irma.






And I thought I wiped the floor

with Harry Johnson last night.



Didn't you? About the hideaway

versus the popular place, I mean.



Yes, yes. I suppose so.



Yeah. Of course,

he's still fairly new at it, but-



Is something bothering you, kid?



No, no. It's just-



- I can't do it, Ed. I just couldn't.

- Oh.



Every time I think of Ruth-



how sweet she is, how trusting-



I- No. No. Forget it.



- Let's just forget the whole thing.

- Sure. Sure.



I mean, you know-

I just can't do it.



- I'm sorry, Ed.

- Sure, I understand, kid.



Look, if that's the way you feel about it,

more power to you.



Um, you'll need it.



Uh, excuse me a moment.



Over there. Look.



Yes, I do.



I know.



Oh, that- Oh!



No, uh-



- How do you know where they are?

- Where what are?



- The hideaways.

- Oh.



You go hunting for them.



When? I'm at work by  :  

and home at  :  .



- So?

- So, when can I-






Oh, yeah.



Not only did I see him,

but so did everyone else in the place.



Terrible. Just terrible.



A guy like that should be prohibited by law

from swinging.




Where'd he go wrong, Ed?



Three places. First of all, he should

never have been in a place that well lit.



Secondly, he should have been

in a corner booth with his back to the room.



And thirdly, he owed it to his wife

not to show the white feather.



But, Ed, he knew

he was in danger of being seen.



That's when you separate

the considerate husbands...



from the inconsiderate ones.



Why? What would

a considerate husband have done?



I'll tell you.



You see, that way, there's something

clean and wholesome about it.



Yeah. There's something else

that's been bothering me, Ed.



Yeah? What?



Well, the way some of you talk so freely,

like last night.



Aren't you afraid that someone will,

you know?



- No, of course not.

- Why?



The code, Paul.

The code.



- The what?

- The code.



"Thou shalt not snitch

on thy fellow man. "



- Oh. Can you depend on it?

- Like a suit of armor, kid.



In all my years in the game,

I never heard of anyone violating it.



- Really?

- Yeah.



- With two exceptions- your

wife's worst enemy... - Yeah?



- and her best friend.

- Oh.



No. I'm sorry.

One more exception.



Your enemy-

someone who's out to get you.



I see. Well,

what do you do about him?



Well, firstly, of course,

you try to keep him from knowing.



- But sometimes you can't.

- So?



In that case,

you try to get the same thing on him.



But what if he doesn't, uh, indulge?



- Misdirection.

- Misdirection?



Yeah. Like, for instance,

these two guys I knew.



One of them sold the other

a house full of termites.



Boy, was the other guy

out to get even.




The gates of paradise.



Move it, baby!

Move it! And-



Oh. The termite buyer.

Think. Think.



Irving! Good to see ya!



- I'll bet.

- Yeah.



Poor kid. She thinks her husband

is shacked up in there with some broad.



- Asked me to come along as a witness.

- I'll bet.



I figure it's the least I can do for the kid.

My secretary. Works for me.



Been with me for years.

Is that right, Miss- uh, Mrs. Crenshaw?



Yeah, sure, babe-

Uh, Mr., uh-



- I'll bet.

- Yeah.



Well, I figure it's the

least I can do for the kid.



I'll bet.



Yeah. I-




- You're just the fella.

- Huh? For what?



Maybe you could help the kid out.



What for?

You're doin' pretty good for her.



Oh, for heaven sakes, Irving.



- She's my secretary. Been with me for years.

- I'll bet.



Yeah. So, I figure my testimony in court

might seem prejudiced.



But coming from you, a perfect stranger,

they'd have to believe you.



You mean you want me

to break in on 'em with you?



Would you, Irv,

as a personal favor to me?



- Sure.

- Gee, thanks, kid. Come on.



Come on!



Believe me, Irving.

I really appreciate this.



Take a good look so you can make

a positive identification later.



Yeah. Yeah.



- Seen enough, Irv?

- Yeah. Yeah.



- Let's go!

- Just a minute!



You people should be ashamed.



- As you were.

- You said that he didn't-



Shocking. Shocking.

Thanks, Irv.



We'll get in touch with you

when we need you.



Come, Mrs. Crenshaw.

My lawyer's chambers are just around the corner.



So, you see, it's a matter

of keeping your wits about you at all times.



Yeah, but what about

that poor man and woman?



- Yeah. Really ruined their afternoon.

- I'll bet.



Yes, sir, you've got to admit it.



There's a man who proved

how much he really cares for his wife.



You never know

what you may suddenly need.



Yeah. I see what you mean.



Could use a bit more practice...



but not at all bad.



- Thanks, Ed.

- Yeah. Not at all bad.



- As a matter of fact, kid, you know what?

- What?



I think you're ready for a trial run.



Now, remember, from now on...



- we simulate actual battle conditions.

- Roger.



- And it's all your show.

- Wilco.



Right. Now, what's your first move?



The hideaway I finally dug up.



Onward and upward.






...and adheres

to the television Code of Fair Practice.



We are now signing off the air, and-



Good morning, Ed. What time is it?



 :  .



Nothing? Absolutely nothing?



Not an inkling of suspicion.

Not an iota of an inkling.



Not an iota of an iota of an inkling.



- Kid, I think you're ready.

- Really?



- Really.

- Oh, boy.



Which brings us to the hardest part-

the who.



Excuse me. Mr. Manning...



would it be all right

if I go out to lunch now?



- Yes, of course.

- Thank you.



- Uh, Miss Harris?

- Yes?



- Uh, are you married, Miss Harris?

- No.



- Would you like to be?

- Boy, would I.



Yes. Thank you, Miss Harris.



- There's your answer.

- Huh?



Remember, I once told you you could count

on the code    % with certain exceptions?



- Yes.

- That's the worst one- the single girl.



- You mean she'd tell?

- Like a shot!



Why? What has she got to gain?



The husband of the wife she tells.



Oh, no. No, she would never

do a thing like that.



No. Not directly,

but one way or another.



Y- You know Clara Brown, don't you?



- The one whose divorce case you're handling?

- Yeah.



Anyway, one night

she caught her husband.



And so, here I am.



Well, what made you first suspect...



that your husband was having an affair

with his secretary?



Well, on this particular day...



my husband told me he was going

to be working late...



and for me not to wait up for him.



Of course I didn't think

anything special about it.



He worked late quite often.



At about   :   I went to bed.



- Hello.

- Sorry. Wrong number.



Wrong number, my foot.



Whoever it was obviously wanted me

up and awake at that particular moment.



You mean, as soon as you had

that wrong-number phone call, you knew?






- That was terribly bright of you, wasn't it?

- No. Not really.



You see, that's how I got him

away from his first wife.



You mean, one should stay away

from single girls?



Well, until one is a little

more experienced anyway.



As a beginner, one is better off

sticking to the first principle.



- First principle?

- Yeah. Never have an affair with someone...



who doesn't have

as much to lose as you.



A married woman has

as much to lose, doesn't she?



Especially if she has children.



- She has three.

- Well, that's a plus in her favor.



- Sorry, darling.

- Soup's on!



Come and get it!



- Hey, let's go.

- Yea! Come on!



Oh, it's about time.



That's why I dropped that last pass:




- That's right. Women and children last.

- Mustard or ketchup, darling?



Don't bother.

I'll take care of him.



- Good, good.

- Got any onions?



- Ooh, give me some.

- A penny for your thoughts?



- His or mine?

- Yours.



And a dollar for yours.



You better take another.



You never know when you're going to need

all your strength.






- There's only one trouble.

- Trouble?



- Come here. Double jeopardy.

- Double jeopardy?



With a married woman, you not only

have to guard against your wife finding out...



but her husband as well.



You see, she's preferable

to the single girl, of course...



but your first time out-

Well, you know how fond I am of Ruth.



I'd like you to break in

the safest possible way.



Yes, I see.



- Oh, honey?

- Yes?



- Is there an onion in that?

- Uh-huh.



Honey, you know

it doesn't agree with you.



Thank you, darling.



What is the safest possible way?



A divorcée who's getting

more in alimony than you get in salary.



You see, if she marries you,

then her alimony stops...



and she has to lower

her standard of living.



Then she's really got

something to lose.



I see.



But where do you find

such a person?



- Good morning.

- Good morning.



- Please.

- Thank you.



Now then, what can I do for you?



Well, I've just been divorced...



and I get a very large sum of money

from my ex-husband every month...



and I was hoping your firm

would manage it for me.



We... would be delighted to.



Now, if you would care

to give me some details-



Wouldn't it be cozy

if we discussed it over lunch?



Yes. Yes, that's exactly

what I was thinking.



- Aren't you clever?

- Uh, well...



we aim to please.



- I'm sure you will.

- Thank you. Thank you.



Thank you very much.



Charming as well.



I think I'm going to adore

being managed by you.



Shall we then, Mrs. Montgomery?



- Jocelyn.

- Oh.



May you call me Paul?



I'd love to, Paul.



- Ed? Ed.

- Paul?



- Ed.

- Over here.



I got her, Ed- a divorcée

with a big alimony.



- Really? Bully for you!

- How long do I have to wait before I can ask her?



How long?

Because if I can do it soon-



Ruth is going away for a few days

with the baby to see her mother...



and I can take Jocelyn-

That's her name, Jocelyn-



- to the house instead of to a motel.

- What?



- To the house instead of to a motel.

- Bite your tongue.



Huh? What? What's the matter?



After all I taught you, Paul...



- how can you let me down like that?

- Why? What did I-



Oh, no. No, Ed.



She hides in the backseat of the car,

under the lap robe.



I drive it into the garage. Then we go

into the house through the connecting door.



- Nobody would ever see her.

- I don't care if you could dematerialize her...



and then rematerialize her

inside the house.



You never use your place.



- But, Ed-

- Never, I said!



I can tell you that Harold

wishes he'd listened to me.






Yeah. His wife and kid were away too.



So he figured,

why not save the price of a motel room?






Ah, ha-ha!






- What you looking for, sweetie?

- My bra.



Ah, ha-ha-ha.



- Can't you find it?

- Uh-uh.



Are you sure

you were wearing one?



What kind of a girl do you think I am?

Of course I was!



Just a minute.

Let's do this scientifically, eh?



- Huh?

- Catch hold. Are you there? Huh?



- No bra? Hmm?

- Oh!



No. Not there.



Ah, yeah. Here, huh?



All right. Here we go.



J- J-J-J-Just a minute.



- Are you sure you were wearing one?

- Well, of course!



Don't you remember, tiger?






Perhaps in the heat of battle, eh?



Hmm. I say!



- It's getting light.

- Maybe I better go without it.



What? Are you crazy?



It's all right, tiger.

I've got another one at home.



That is not what's worrying me.

What is worrying me...



is my wife coming home and finding it.



She'll just think it's hers.



Don't be ridiculous.



Excuse me.



- We weren't anywhere near it, tiger.

- I know we weren't.



And stop calling me tiger!



And he never did find it...



but he knows it's in there somewhere...



and it's only a matter of time

till his wife comes across it.



Boy, that must be murder on the nerves!



Murder? Harold.






- Yeah?

- I want you to meet a friend of mine.



Paul, this is Harold.



- Harold.

- Yeah?



This is Paul.



- Glad to meet you, Harold.

- Yeah. Yeah.



How long ago did all this happen?



About three weeks ago. Why?



I had the impression he was a much

younger man. You know, "tiger" and everything.



- How old would you say he is?

- I don't know. Seventy? Seventy-two?



- Thirty-nine.

- No kidding!



Still think you want to take her

to your place?



No, no. No. Thanks, Ed.



Boy, I don't know-

I don't know what I'd do without you.



Well, you know how I feel about Ruth.



Yes, I'm sure she'd appreciate it too.



Tonight's the night, eh, kid?



Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.



- Relax. You're gonna be fine.

- Yes.



- Uh, just a couple of points.

- Yes?



- There's gonna come a time when you want out.

- Yes, I will. I will.



You know, that's a very tricky moment.

Very tricky.






You see, if you break it off,

she gets sore-



the "woman scorned" bit, than

which hell hath no greater fury.






You've got to work it

so that the idea to break it off is hers...



she thinks.



Is that you, sweet lips?



- Yes.

- Oh.!



Mmm! Oh! Ooh!



Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.



Uh, honey.

Honey, wait a minute.



Honey, would you mind

taking it just a little bit easier, baby?



Sweet lips is tired

after his hard day's work, isn't he?



- No, no. It's not that. It's just that, uh-

- Just what, sweet lips?



Well, I- I saw my accountant today,

and he said-



Oh, but why should I bother your

pretty little head with a thing like that?



Oh, honey? What do you think

we could get for this...



from a secondhand shop?



I don't know.

Two or three dollars maybe?






Sweet lips, is anything the matter?



No. Look, it- Please,

don't give it a second thought.



Nothing-Just because

my accountant said...



that the tax department

made a big fuss about the-



Hey, this- this ought to bring

a nice few dollars.



Ollie! That's my graduation present!



- Well, honey, we won't need it anymore.

- We won't?



No. You see, the bed won't fit

into the new apartment.



- New apartment?

- Yes. It's smaller than this one, of course...



but I think we can fit in

a couple of army cots.



You'll love the view

from the eighth floor...



and the exercise'll do you a lot of good.






You see, this apartment was built

before they invented elevators.



Ollie, are you in trouble about money?



Oh, only temporarily.

But don't worry, honey.



- It won't really make any difference.

- It won't?



No, because we'll still have each other.



- Oh, Ollie!

- Oh, that's all right.



I'll get you one of my wife's coats.



She was gonna give it

to the Salvation Army anyway.



And then you'd be too self-conscious...



to- to wear one of these coats to work.



- Work?

- Yes. I got you this job.



- Ollie, I've been thinking.

- Yes, honey?



Well, you're going to have to give

all your attention now...



to getting back on your feet,

aren't you?



Oh, honey, only for-

for three or four years.



So, don't you think

it might be better...



if we didn't see each other

for a while?



Oh, that would be terrible!



Yeah, I see.



- Now just one final word.

- Yeah?



- If Ruth should hear something

or should get suspicious- - Huh?



It won't happen. I promise you.

But just in case-



- Yeah?

- deny, deny, deny.



No matter what she knows

or thinks she knows, deny it.



- What if she knows?

- You deny it.



- What if she-

- Deny.



- What if-

- Deny. Deny.



- Charlie!

- What?



What are you doing?



- Where?

- There! With her!



- Who?

- Her! How could you?



- What?

- That!



- When?

- When I came in, you and she were-



- Who?

- You know very well who.



That-That woman there.



- Where?

- Charlie!



- What?

- You and that woman!



What woman?



Th-The-Th-The one

who just left.






- But, Charlie!

- What?



Aren't you even ashamed of yourself?






Because of-



- Charlie?

- What?



What would you like for dinner?



Perhaps the definitive application

of the tactic-



a classic of its kind.



Now, there's a man

you've got to take your hat off to.



Relax! Paul, relax.

You-You're going to be fine.



Hey! You had the best teacher

in the world, didn't you?



Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?

I- I did. I-



Hey, kumquats.

Ruth is crazy about these.






Now, about your portfolio...



I see substantial benefit...



in tax-free municipal bonds...



which are tax-free.



I think you ought to know

I'm married.



- Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you.



I, uh-Wouldn't-

Wouldn't you rather be?



Not at the moment.



Oh, no, no. No, I- I mean-



W- Wouldn't it be nice

to have a husband? Husband?



I do.



- Oh. Oh, in that case, I-

- You.



No, no, no. That's not what I-



I- I- I-I meant one of your own,

someone you can count on.



I am counting on you, honey.



No. No, I mean-



I mean, someone you belong to...



someone who cares about you...



someone you're crazy about

and who you'd hate yourself if you hurt her...



and all you want to do is

be with her always, only...



and- Here.



Here. Here- Here's a picture of her.



Isn't she wonderful?

And-And that's my little daughter.



Open up in there.!



Come on.! We know you're in there.!

Open up.!



- ... a search warrant.!

- It's a private room.!



I'm gonna break that camera over your head.!



Each and every device we know



Should be tried by the married man



And who can question the debt he'll owe



To the guide for the married man



It will list things universal



From Pittsburgh to Japan



And every man can be satisfied



By the guide



For the married man


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