Los Angeles Tower, this is Transworld 22 Heavy.
We are going down.! Repeat, engines two and...
L.A. Tower, this is...
22 Heavy, pull up.! Pull up.!
Andrew, this is your father.
Look, you don't call me back, so I don't know how to do this.
If you're not gonna return my calls...
then there's no way for us to communicate...
Look, I don't know how to do this...
but you're gonna need to come home now.
Your mother died last night, Andrew.
Last night, she drowned in the bath.
Ten résumés just today.
They come in every day from Idaho or Milwaukee or Florida.
And you know what they want even more than a guest spot on Everybody Loves Raymond?
They want your job. This cannot happen again. This will never happen again.
You have two tables. You are 30 minutes late.
And if I ever say this again, your job will go to...
Todd Slauson from Duluth, Minnesota.
Sparkling or flat?
Waiter 10, do you have your earpiece in?
You forget the order 41 for Table 101.
What the fuck, man? What, are you on break?
Nah, I'm just messin'with you.
Uh, we'll have four Ketel Red Bulls and...
And I'll have a Ketel cosmo with a Red Bull and some bread ASAP.
We don't have bread.
What do you mean? How can you not have bread?
Uh, we're a Vietnamese restaurant. We just don't have bread.
But you're not Vietnamese.
No, I'm not.
Can I have something to chew on? Fuck. Bamboo, whatever.
I'll see what I can find.
Waiter number 12...
Flight Number 121 with nonstop service...
to Newark International will be departing from Gate 32.
#Thanks for the time that you've given me #
#The memories are all in my mind #
#And now that we've come #
#To the end of our rainbow #
#There's something I must say out loud #
#Yes, you're once, twice #
#Three times a lady #
- #I love you
#Yes, you're once, twice #
#Three times a lady #
#Three times a lady #
#I love you
#I love you
What's up, man?
Largeman, what are you doing here?
Uh, that's my mom.
- Fuck. - Oh, fuck.
So, welcome back home.
So what have you been doing?
You still, uh, acting and shit, right?
- Yeah. - l-In L.A., right?
- Yeah. - That's cool.
I hear that place is, like, fucking crazy.
My cousin's a writer out there. Says that place is mad crazy.
He's, like, writing a movie about snowboarders or some shit.
I don't... I don't know.
Um, but I should introduce you to him, Largeman.
Maybe you two could do something together.
What are you doing tonight, man?
Uh, nothing. No real plans.
I'm just in town for a couple days, so...
You should come out with us.
We're gonna go over the Gleasons' house. They're having some...
fucking huge party or something.
- Supposedly. - Well, yeah. Supposedly.
- Really? - He lives up on the hill.
We'll probably go over there after we bury your mom.
- Well, I got to shower. - Same.
Do you know your mother redid the hallway bathroom?
What? I'm sorry. What?
Since I met her, she never showed an interest in anything.
All of a sudden, a month ago, she wakes up...
she wants to redecorate a bathroom.
I helped her.
- Oh, must have been fun. - Well, I sew.
I made you something.
It's a shirt.
That's... That's good. Thank you.
Will you try it on now?
In case I have to fix it before you leave again...
and we don't see you for another nine years.
I wanna make sure it fits.
You're gonna love the material.
I used the leftovers from your mother's design. Gorgeous.
- Hello. - How you doing?
"Well, besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?"
You know, I'm not really sure what to say here, Dad, so I'm sorry.
How are you?
I've been getting these really bad headaches though.
Um, they're really quick.
It's like a... just a little lightning storm in my head.
Just for a second, and then it's gone.
I just thought maybe you could help me get that checked out while I'm home.
Go see Dr. Cohen first thing in the morning.
He's a neurologist in my building. l-I'll call him.
He'll fit you in. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
Place looks good.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, we've been doing a lot of work on it.
Actually, no. I don't know why I just said that.
Someone redid the, uh, hallway bathroom. I saw that.
Yeah. That's new.
I'm glad you're here.
Saying good-bye is important.
I'm glad you could fit it in.
- Put your hands on your head, please. - What?
I said put your motherfucking hands on your head! Please.
Eighty-two in a 25.
What are you gonna tell me, you're late or just tired?
- I was... - Shut the fuck up!
- Largeman. - Kenny?
Oh, man. How you doing?
I'm... I'm great.
- Your mom just died! - I know.
- I mean, that's why you're home. - Yeah. Yup.
You're a cop, Kenny?
- Yeah, I know. I know. - Why?
I don't know. Couldn't think of anything better to do.
No, but it's really cool though, man.
People really listen to you. I mean...
they have to!
- Yo, and check this shit out. That's the safety. - Oh, cool.
And plus, the benefits, man. If I get shot, I'm like...
But, Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.
# La, la, la, la ## No, I had to grow up, man.
It's time to grow up. Plus, I wasn't making shit in that fish market.
No one knew who I was, couldn't get laid.
It's a much better situation for me, man.
Speaking of which, um, how'd I do?
What do you mean?
I don't know. You know, just the whole...
You mean, like, as a cop?
Yeah. The whole, "Shut the fuck up!"
Well, I thought you were a dick, so I guess that's good.
Nice. So, what the fuck, man?
You're this huge movie star now? I heard you did some...
you played a big football player or something.
- I didn't see it. - It was just this thing...
- Fucking De Niro and shit. - What?
- He's awesome. - Yeah.
- Deer Hunter? - Yeah.
Man, we should sit down and we should talk...
because I've got some really good ideas for movies.
You could play me and shit. Poof!
- Stories from the Force. - Yeah.
- Yeah, definitely. That sounds good.
- Holy shit! - What's up?
- How you doing, man? - How you doing, man?
- What's up? - Hey, how you doing? Good to see you.
Get this guy a beer. This guy does not wait for a beer. He's a movie star.
Like, uh, Jersey's De Niro and shit.
- Largeman, man, what are you doing home? - I, uh...
That's phat, yo. Fuck, yeah!
Serpico and shit. "Attica!"
Shut the fuck up, man.
You like that?
Like, uh, "press junket"?
That's improv, bitch. You can use it. Right?
Okay. Let me show you something.
Largeman! Oh, whoa! What's going on, man?
How you been? Hey!
- Jess. How are you, brother? - How's it going, man?
I haven't seen you in so long. I heard you're kicking ass.
Oh, um, basically the man bought my silent Velcro patent.
- What? - I developed this little item.
It's just like Velcro, but it doesn't make that...
the Velcro noise.
- So how much did they buy it for? - A lot, man.
Wow. So wh-what are you doing with yourself?
Um, nothing. Nothing.
I've never been so bored in my whole life.
Yeah. First month I went out. I bought a whole bunch of shit.
But, y... Nothing.
Someone got a joint for me?
Here you go.
Oh. No, thanks, man.
Really? I thought you were a big movie star and shit.
- Nah. - Well, then here.
- I guess I'll see you guys later.
Should we play a game?
Let's play "spin the bottle."
I'm not playing "spin the bottle." How old are we?
- Or more importantly, how old are they? - Oh, they're all legal.
Well, wejust ate all this fucking "X,"
so what the hell else are we supposed to do?
Girl has a point.
- Fucking right. - I'm in.!
- Hey.! - Large.!
- Largeman, this is Dana. - Hi.
- Who's up?
- This is gonna be a good night.
It's good, isn't it?
I always try to save a couple of the marshmallows till the very end...
but I never make it.
I always end up with...
a bunch of flake things and pink milk.
My mind wanders.
How long have you been working at Medieval Times?
Three years. B-But I've only been a knight for two.
You have to pay your dues.
I worked in the stables and helped in the kitchen.
When I started, he was making the coleslaw.
It hasn't been the same since you got knighted.
But I really just stirred it.
Don't be modest.
Mr. Modesty won the joust last night.
- Congratulations. - It's not that big a deal. It's fixed.
What was it that happened to you in high school?
You had a thing. I forgot what it was.
- He got the shit kicked out of him. - No, he didn't.
How do you know? He got the shit kicked out of him by Tyrell Freedmen.
- I fucked him up too. - He knocked your teeth out.
He only chipped one tooth.
So, uh, w-what are you up to now, Mark?
You're digging graves?
Mark's getting into real estate.
- Tim can speak Klingon. - What?
- No, I can't. - Yes, you can.
- What the fuck is Klingon? - Like the Star Trek guys?
- Yeah, he can speak their language. - No, she's kidding.
No, I'm not. Why are you being shy?
- Yeah, don't be shy, Tim. - It's just... It's made-up.
This guy who plays the wizard at work is a Trekkie. I don't...
- Don't be shy. Tell them what you said to me last night. - No.
Say what you said to her last night.
You gotta be kidding me.
It means, "I like to mate after battle."
- That's not what I said. - Yeah.
No. No. That wasn't the one I said.
This one means, "Kill Kirk"...
and also "Hallelujah," depending on the context.
You must have got it confused with, uh...
- Honey, that is good. - You know what that means, Tim?
Well, I do. It means, "Get the fuck out of my house...
before I chop your fucking head off."
Mark, he's a knight.
He's just a fast-food knight.
I should get going.
Thanks, uh, for the cereal.
I had a lovely evening.
By the way, it says "balls" on your face.
- Asshole. - My mom did it.
In the spring...
the hungry gator must find new and clever ways to find food.
Did you tell Large about... the tapes?
No, Mom. I'm not doing those stupid tapes.
- What are the tapes? - Real estate tapes.
You can make up to $100,000 your first year.
You should have seen the boat this Oriental guy had.
He even had his own game show in China, he had so much money.
I think Mark would be perfect at it.
Ma, shut up about those fuckin' tapes. Okay? It's a scam.
Well, I'm doing it. I'm saving up for those tapes.
Because I know what you could be if you just apply yourself.
Because I know what you could be if you just apply yourself.
You know what? I do apply myself every day, Mom.
I work my ass off burying dead people. Okay?
I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush. What's your rush for?
Just let me be. I don't rush you.
Okay. Then I'll do 'em myself.
Fine. Do 'em.
Okay, then I won't let you on my yacht.
Except Large. Large, you can come anytime you want.
Just don't bring your friend here.
Shit! I got to go to my meeting.
I love you.
- I love you too. - I love you.
- Large, it was nice to see you. - Nice to see you too.
Oh. Oh, you guys, don't stay in here all day...
'cause I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector.
It was beeping all night.
She drives me crazy!
She gets all baked out and makes me feel like I have to impress her.
And you know what?
I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.
- Hey, what time is it? - No idea.
I gotta go.
Hi, I'm Andrew Largeman. I'm sorry.
- I'm really late for my appointment. - Andrew. Andrew.
Okay, Andrew. I'm gonna need you to fill out this paperwork for me.
As soon as we're ready, we'll call you in.
- Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry. - It's okay. Have a seat.
- Hello, Miss Lubin. - Oh, hello there.
Just have a seat. We'll be with you soon, okay?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
How's it going?
- Get off.
Got any suggestions?
- You got any suggestions? - Yeah, kick his balls.
Kick his balls.
Yeah, but I don't wanna destroy future generations of charitable dogs.
Don't worry about it. I got three Dobermans.
If I didn't kick them in the balls regularly, I'd never get anything done.
But he's gotta be close to finishing by now.
Here comes the lipstick.
Mrs. Lubin? We're ready for you now.
- Okay. Come on, Arthur.
- I feel so used.
Thanks for your help. For, at least, your good intentions.
- I recognize you. - Oh, did you go to Columbia High?
No, not from high school. From TV.
- Didn't you play the retarded quarterback? - Yeah.
Are you really retarded?
No, I'm not.
Great job, man. I mean, I thought you were really retarded.
You're just as good as that Corky kid, and he's actually retarded.
If there was some sort of retarded Oscar...
you would win like hands down, kick his ass.
Well, thank you. Thanks, I appreciate it.
I have to fill out this form though, so...
- Right on. - Thanks.
My cousin's an actor. Jake Ryan Winters.
Doubt you've ever heard of him.
He was, like, on Xena once as a gnome or something. That's really cool though.
Oh, my God.
That scene. That last scene...
where you give the speech to the whole stadium...
and your dad... oh, your dad gives you the thumbs up.
Aw. That was, like...
That was emotional.
So, you got anything else coming out?
No. You know, I'm auditioning...
I can't believe you're not really retarded.
I mean, Jake's not a very good actor.
You can't really tell on Xena 'cause he's in the hairy gnome suit...
but when we were little, he used to put on these really, really low-budge...
renditions of Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals in our attic.
And they were awful.!
Like, so bad.
It sucks, though, because there's not that much work for little people, you know?
- Anyway, I'm talking too much.
I'll just... You got to fill out your forms.
What are you listening to?
- You know them? - No.
You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life. I swear.
Oh, I'm sorry. You have to... You gotta fill out your forms.
Conundrum. Think you could, uh...
- maybe listen while you fill out your forms? - I think I can handle it.
# Gold teeth and a curse for this town
# Were all in my mouth
# Only, I don't know how
#They got out, dear #
#Turn me... ##
It's good. I like it.
- So, what are you here for? - What are you here for?
Waiting for a friend. You?
Oh, fuck, that was nosy. I'm sorry.
I am so nosy. I didn't... I didn't mean to be. I'm sorry.
No, I just... I get these headaches. I just want to have it checked out.
- Andrew Largeman? - Yes.
- We're ready for you now. - Oh, okay.
- Thank you. Nice meeting you. - You didn't. I'm Sam.
Nice to meet you. Good luck with your head.
Don't worry, Sam. We'll be with you next.
- Mr. Andrew Largeman? - Yes, hi.
- There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. - What?
Just kidding. How would I know that? Uh...
I'm Dr. Cohen.
What can we do for you today, Andrew.
Um, I've been getting these really intense headaches.
Um, they last for like a split second.
It's like lightning, like a surge of electricity, and then it's gone.
How long have you been on the lithium?
Um, I've been on some form of it since I was 10 or so.
And the Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa...
did they, uh, help you at all?
I mean, I don't know. Uh...
It's recently occurred to me I might not even have a problem.
Only, I'd never know it because as far back as I can remember, I've been medicated.
I left them in L.A. though.
This is, uh, the first time I haven't had medicine in my body for... a long time.
You know that stuff will leave your body pretty fast.
- I can write you a prescription. - Actually, I was thinking about taking a little vacation.
Have you discussed this with your psychiatrist?
Uh, well, my psychiatrist is my dad.
Yeah. So I think he'd prefer me to stay on it.
He... likes to think it makes me happy.
You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things...
when they're consumed with stress and anxiety.
I found my ex-best friend's cuff links in my wife's purse.
I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half...
But I don't really think that's it because I don't...
I don't really feel like stressed or anxious at all.
'Cause all the lithium he's had you on. It's amazing you can even hear me now.
Look, Andrew, uh, first of all...
I think you do need to find a psychiatrist that isn't your father.
That's something that should have been remedied years ago.
He knows better.
And secondly, uh, I'm in no position to comment on...
whether you should stay on the meds or not because I don't know your story.
But my opinion, since you're paying for it...
is that, yeah, those drugs may help you as a means to an end...
but sooner or later, if you're not in some sort of therapy...
whatever's going on in your mind will find a way to peek its little head out of the water.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, you're all right. You're alive.
Come on. I'll take a look at you. Come.
I'll need you to take your shoes off. I have to scratch your feet.
So why were you really there?
Charging. I'm a robot.
- Do you lie a lot? - What do you consider a lot?
Enough for people to call you a liar.
- People call me lots of things. - Is one of them "liar"?
I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lyin'?
I guess I could choose to trust you.
- You can do that? - I can try.
Whose bike is that?
It was my grandfather's.
It was the only thing he left to anyone in my family, and he left it to me.
And I like it.
So this is the point in the conversation where you ask me if I'd like a ride home.
- It is? - Yep.
Would you like a ride home?
Fine. But I'm not getting in that sidecar.
- Why not? - Sidecars are for bitches.
Anyone who rides in that is automatically your bitch.
Thus, I will ride on the back.
- Whoa. - Hold on tight.
My hair is blowin' in the wind.
What, are you like a hang glider?
My boyfriend was gonna pick me up so I brought it.
- But then he couldn't. - What does he have? One of those tandem things?
No. He drives a Ninja. Goes way faster than this guy.
- But what kind of helmet is that? - You can wear it on a bike.
- Anyway, how's your head? - I should live through the day.
Cool. Make a right here.
Are you doing anything right now?
- Can you elaborate on "doing anything"? - I know this guy, Jesse.
He bought this mansion that's right up here...
and he wants me to come visit him.
But I don't want to stay very long. I was thinking, like if you came too...
I could just say I have to take you home when I'm ready to go.
Wow. That's pretty damn random of you, Andrew.
- I know. - "Nice to meet you. Can I use you?"
- No. - It's the Hollywood in you, I guess.
No. Come on. It's not like that. It'll be fun.
I'll tell you what, we can have like... like a signal.
Like, when you pull on your ear, that's the code.
And then I'll be like, "Oh, I got to take her home." And then we'll go.
Can we have code names too?
If you want.
Okay. But don't try and like kidnap me or anything...
'cause my step-uncle's a bounty hunter and he could have you tracked and killed.
You're such a liar.
Okay. You ready?
I'll be fine. Am I the first boy you've ever brought home?
No. But, um...
I lied to you before when I told you my boyfriend drives a Ninja.
- He doesn't drive a bike? - No, I don't have a boyfriend.
But, you know, he might drive a Ninja.
- Wherever he is. - Wow. We're off to a great start.
Okay. So... So sometimes I lie.
I mean, I'm weird, man.
About random stuff too. I don't even know why I do it.
It's like... It's like a tic.
I mean, sometimes I hear myself say something, and then I think...
"Wow, that wasn't even remotely true."
So how do people know what's real?
Well, I always feel bad afterwards and admit them when they're lies.
Can you trust that?
Open the door.
Kevin, down. Mom!
Come on. Kick him in the balls. Kick him in the balls.
All right! Everybody down! Who wants to eat?
Do you want to eat? Then get the fuck off him.
Kevin! Get off!
I'm so sorry. Wejust don't have the time to train them.
Who's got the time to train them?
- Mom, this is Andrew. - Welcome.
Welcome. I'm sorry the place is a wreck.
Honey, I asked you to get the metal wheel out of the hamster cage.
- I forgot. - Well, you forgot and now Jelly's dead.
Luckily, I got Peanut Butter out in time.
We have to get the only hamsters on planet Earth...
who can't figure out a stupid hamster wheel.
There's a tin box on the kitchen counter.
You can do the honors. I have to get to work.
- It's nice to meet you. Andrew, right? - Yes.
Andrew. Very nice to meet you.
Samatha, put the clothes in the dryer and buryJelly.
So this is it.
- It's nice. - No, it's not.
Don't say that just 'cause you can't think of anything else.
I'm not. I'm not. It's... It's very cozy.
You guys are a little early on the tree though.
Yeah, we never got around to taking it down. When it got to be fall again...
we figured, "Just leave it up."
Oh, my God. You're totally freaked out. You're totally freaked out right now.
- You, like, can't wait to leave. - I'm not. I'm not. I like it.
- It's very nice. - Well, you wanna see my room?
- Hey. - Hey.
Titembay, this is my friend Andrew. Andrew, this is my brother, Titembay.
- Hi. It's very nice to meet you. - Oh, it's nice to meet you.
- I'm sorry aboutJelly. - Oh, that's okay.
I saved some mac and cheese for you. It's in the fridge.
Anyway, I'm late for class. It's nice meeting you.
- Very nice to meet you. - See you later.
So here we are.
It's nothing fancy, but you know... What?
Uh, it's... Titembay, right?
Yeah, it's weird, huh? You're, like, so freaked out right now.
You're running for the door. It's okay. You can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...
- Stop doing that. - What?
The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't, I wouldn't be.
Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours. Okay?
- Yeah, he's my brother. - Is he adopted or...
Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers like years ago.
One of those "For the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things.
Where she's like, "How can you just sit there and not help the children?"
And we couldn't. We just couldn't sit there and not help the children.
So we start sending him like pictures and letters and stuff for years...
but then I got really into ice-skating, so we sort of forgot about him.
Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay.
And he's at the dry cleaners around the corner.
And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers. I live in the dorms...
but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family."
And he's been living with us ever since.
Yeah. I know. He's the most amazing guy.
You gotta hear his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn.
When I think of what he's accomplished, I just...
I just feel, like, lazy. You know?
He's studying criminal justice at Rutgers, and when he was a baby...
he was one of those kids with, like, the flies all over his face.
I mean, i-it's a crazy story.
Yeah, I know. I mean, that's a true story. I am not that good.
This is Tickle.
- What is Tickle? - Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world.
It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.
- Tickle's all that remains. - Mm-hmm.
- Was there like a hurricane or something? - Shut up.
No, I mean, I've had this since I was a baby.
It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.
- It's like the Wailing Wall. - What?
Uh, the Wailing Wall is like this, uh...
It's like the most holy place forJews to go and pray in Israel.
It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.
So you're like reallyJewish.
- What? - You are, aren't you?
- You are. - No, I'm not.
l-I'm Jewish, but I'm not reallyJewish.
I don't do anything Jewish. I don't go to temple or anything.
But I don't know anyJews that go to temple.
TheJews I know, they go on one day.
- It's Yom Kippur, the Day of Repentance. - Okay.
Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls...
so that on the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent...
they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?
I don't really believe in God.
- Just Tickle. - Oh, I believe in Tickle.
- We're not gonna make out or anything. - What?
I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
- No, no. - It's just that we're not gonna make out, okay?
- Oh, no, I hadn't planned on trying... - Oh, my...
I am so lame. That was like really... I am...
I'm sorry. Forget I just said that. I am...
That was dumb. And...
- You know what I do when I feel completely unoriginal? - What?
# La, blah, blah Blah, la, la ##
I make a noise or I do something that no one has ever done before.
And then I can feel unique again even if it's only for like a second.
So, no one's ever done that?
No, not in this spot. No. You just witnessed a completely original moment in history.
- It's refreshing. You should try it. - Oh, no. Thanks.
- No, come on. - I think that was good enough for both of us.
Come on. What are you, shy?
This is your one opportunity to do something...
that no one has done before and that no one will copy again throughout human existence.
A-And if nothing else, you'll be remembered as the one guy who ever did this.
This one thing.
How was that?
Oh, I've done that one before.
- So, uh...
- So, uh...
I gotta go bury this hamster before the dogs eat him.
Wanna help? Hmm?
- Wow. - Yeah.
- I mean, this is, uh... - I know.
It's not that we're bad pet owners or anything.
It's just, you know, we've had so many of them over the years.
Besides, a lot of these are fish.
What are you thinking about?
- Now? - Yeah.
- Right now? - Yeah.
Right now, I was thinking I've been going to a lot of these things lately.
- What, dates? - Not dates.
Is this a date? This isn't a date.
Why? Who else died?
That's why I'm home actually. I guess I haven't even told you that yet. Um...
My mom just died.
God, that's weird to say that out loud, but, uh...
My mom just died. And, uh...
Yeah, that's why I'm home.
I'm so sorry.
God, I'm so sorry.
And here I am, like, putting you through another one of these.
Not thatJelly's like anywhere near your mom's.
I mean, we loved Jelly but...
I'm so sorry.
No, it's okay. It's all right.
I'm all right with it.
Anyway, I think it's what she wanted, so...
How'd she die?
She drowned actually.
Yeah, my, uh... My mother was a paraplegic.
She was in a wheelchair so she, uh...
You know, and, uh...
I guess she was taking a bath...
and she must have slipped or something.
That's what they say. I don't... I don't know. But...
needless to say, she drowned and...
that's how she... sh-she died.
This was, uh...
Oh, my God.
Why are you crying?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
Because... I'm not usually like this.
It's just like... It's just so sad.
You know, it's like...
It's so tragic, isn't it? It is. It's like...
It's like real life tragedy or something.
Anyway, let's change the subject, okay?
Let's really bring the focus back toJelly...
'cause what could be ruder than talking about someone else who died...
when you're in the act of burying a close friend?
- Well, what should we do? - I don't know. I've only been to one of these things.
You appear to be the expert.
Well, we usually say something.
Okay, uh, I'll go first. Um...
Didn't really know you, Jelly. From what I hear, you were a good pet.
- Little trouble with the wheel but... - That's not funny.
Jelly, you were a great pet.
I'm sorry I forgot to take the wheel out of your cage.
I'm so, so sorry about that.
I hope that you liked me.
Holy shit! You scared the shit out of me.
- Why are you always doing that? - I haven't seen you in a while.
I know. I've been catching up with people around here.
Dr. Cohen called. There's nothing wrong with you.
Yeah, I think I'm starting to figure that out myself.
- When are you thinking of leaving? - Uh, probably tomorrow.
Um, you know, I got a lot of stuff I got to take care of in L.A.
- Probably have to find a newjob, so... - We need to talk.
Yeah, uh, how? I mean, when?
What are you doing... now?
Uh, now's not so good. I told my friend Mark I was gonna meet up with him.
But how about, uh, like later tonight?
- Okay. Then we'll talk. - Yeah.
We owe that to each other.
We owe it to her.
Sorry I scared you.
How could you leave all that lithium?
I was totally going to hit you up for some, man.
This fucking guy. I'm glad you're back, man.
This town is so messed up. Everyone's got their drug of choice.
It's like in Brave New World. You ever read that book?
Who wrote that? Um, Aldous... Aldous something.
Aldous, uh... Anyway...
there's like Alphas and Betas and Epsilons and all sorts of people.
Aldous Huxtable. That's it, bro.
Andrew, would you like to see Sam's ice-skating tape?
- Mom, no. - Absolutely.
She was so ahead of her time. She could have gone to the Olympics.
No, no, no, no. I couldn't have.
Yes, you could have. Don't blame it on the epilepsy.
- You had a gift. - Come on. Let me see it.
Let's just show him the "Florida Stars of the Ice"opening. The gator costume.
- Mom, I'm asking you, seriously. - Come on. Don't be shy. Let me see it!
Oh, she wants you to see it. How could you not want him to see how talented you are?
- Were. - Come on.
- Come on. - Ohh!
- Honey, what are you doing? - I'm dusting for prints.
Well, could we move the crime scene into the kitchen?
I want to show Andrew Sam's skating.
But someone's been pissing on my GameCube, and I'm about to close the case.
It wasn't me, Your Honor.
The paw prints point to a canine. Hmm.
Andrew, come on. Sit down here on the couch.
I can't believe you're actually showing him this.
Look, there she is.
- You're the alligator? - You can tell by the hands.
- Here comes the double axel. - And...
- Land! Oh, I mean, come on. Is she good? - Wow, she's great.
- All right. - Wow.
- Shut up. - No, I mean, your mom was right. You're really good.
- This is awesome, but we gotta go. - All right.
- Just wanted to show how talented you are. - Mom, come on!
My baby! All right, go on!
Go on. Get away. Wait a minute.
Gimme a hug.
I love you so much. I'm so proud of you.
- I love you too. - Have a good night.
- Thanks for dinner. - Come on! You're giving me a hug too.
- Mom! Come on. - I'll take a hug.
- Good night. See you later, Tim. - Bye, Tim.
- Peace out, player.
I don't know. It was the only thing I ever liked doing.
Pretending to be someone else.
I've been so out of it lately, the only parts I get offered are playing handicapped people.
- That is not funny.
Oh, come on. You gotta see that's a joke.
If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.
All right, so what are we laughing at you about?
Mm. I lied again.
- I have epilepsy. - Which part are we laughing about?
I had a seizure at the law office where I work.
And they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.
- What's preventative covering? - The helmet I was wearing.
Oh, come on!
That's funny. That's really funny.
I mean, I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work...
who isn't, like, putting out fires, or, like, racing for NASCAR.
Well, what do you do? I mean, I can't quit. Their insurance is amazing.
What do you do? You laugh, you know?
I'm not saying I don't cry. But in-between, I laugh.
And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously.
Plus, I look forward to a good cry.
Feels pretty good.
I haven't cried since I was a little kid.
I didn't cry at my mother's funeral. I tried, you know?
I thought of all the saddest things I could think of.
Like, things in movies, this...
There's this image from Life magazine that's always haunted me.
I just focused in on it, you know?
But nothing came.
That actually made me sadder than anything...
the fact that I just felt so numb.
- What do you mean? - Just that...
Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, that's Mark, Dave and you rememberJesse.
- Hey. - What's up?
Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said "vagina"just now.
- I didn't know you were here. - Oh, that's okay.
- Nice. Let's get fucked up.
One, two, three! Whoo!
- What are you doing? - Largeman, get the fuck in the pool.!
- It's so warm!
Can't you swim?
Of course I can swim.
Dude, maybe you should stay on the steps. I don't know C.P.R.
- You look like a wet beaver.
There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed.
There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of wish I'd missed.
You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in...
isn't really your home anymore.
All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit...
that idea of home is gone.
I still feel at home in my house.
You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone.
You feel like you can never get it back.
It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist.
Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know?
You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself.
You know, for... For your kids. For the family you start.
It's like a cycle or something.
I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know?
Maybe that's all family really is.
A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
How about some fuckin' furniture, dude?
I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.
- Where is it? - It's keeping us warm.
- Silent Velcro.
- You lucky motherfucker.
I feel like if I had showed up at school and presented the idea of silent Velcro...
they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.
- Why did they send you away? - Oh. Listen to this girl.
- They didn't "send me away." - You just said they sent you away.
I mean, they sent me away. They sent me to boarding school.
"Sent me away" sounds like I went to some asylum or something.
- There were no straps involved. - Why did they send you to boarding school?
They sent me to boarding school because...
they thought I might be dangerous.
"Oh, are you freaked out? You're like running for the door.
- You can go. It's okay. Don't feel bad." - That's really funny.
- It's really funny.
Why would they think you'd be dangerous?
You're like a little detective.
- Want to know? - Yeah.
- You're gay.
I was the reason she was in a wheelchair.
I pushed her.
So there that is.
- Shut up! - Fuck off.
- No. That's the truth. - Why?
It was just a complete freak accident, you know?
It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head...
and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing.
My-My whole life, she was depressed for no reason.
And... one day, you know...
I was a little kid. I was nine years old...
and I just hated her for that.
And... I pushed her.
And it was innocent. I was just completely frustrated.
- 'Cause... - 'Cause you couldn't make her happy?
Yeah! Fuck, yeah! And any other time, you know...
any other day, she would havejust yelled at me and sent me to my room.
But this day...
on this particular day...
the door of the dishwasher...
had fallen open... the latch on it was broken.
And it would just randomly fall open.
That fuckin' latch, you know.
It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
So, anyway, she, uh... she fell back over the door...
and, uh, hit her neck on the kitchen counter, paralyzing her from the waist down.
- Wow. - Still want to compare fucked-up families?
But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.
Yeah. Well, I was nine.
So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs...
that were supposed to "curb my anger,"
and I've been on some form of them ever since.
And when I was 16, my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that...
it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so...
he sent me to boarding school.
- And I haven't been home since. - Until now.
- For her funeral. - Till now for her funeral.
I can't believe the retarded quarterback's a pill-popper.
Where's the sauna?
- I'll show her. - No, l-I got it.
- No, you get her a towel. - Wait. Wait.
Want a ride, sweetheart?
You're in it right now, aren't you?
- What do you mean? - My mom always says that when she can see...
I'm, like, working something out in my head, she's like, "You're in it right now."
And I'm lookin' at you, and you're...
telling me that story, and...
you're definitely in it right now.
I think you're right. I am in it.
Okay. I mean, whatever. All right. Can we just change the subject, okay?
Let's just... Let's just talk about good stuff.
- Good stuff? - Yeah, like "glass half-full" shit.
- What do you got? - Got a little buzz. Got that.
- What you got? - I got a little buzz goin'
And I like you.
So there's that. I guess I have that.
I can tap-dance. You want to see me tap-dance?
I would love to see you tap-dance.
- What are you doing? - You collect Desert Storm trading cards?
Fuck yeah. Those things are collector's items, man.
You have any idea how much those things are gonna be worth one day?
- Really? - Hell, yeah. That's just like an investment.
I have lots of little investments all over the place.
One day I'm gonna sell all of'em just fuckin' live off of it.
So, like how much is this one worth?
- Which? - "Night Vision Goggles."
I don't know. Mint? Uh, two, maybe three.
- Dollars? - Yeah.
It's too early. You don't sell 'em yet. Don't you know anything about investing?
I'm gonna live off that shit.
If you have a complete set, it's worth, like, thousands.
- So do you have the complete set? - Almost.
The corners are bent on my "Friendly Fire," and someone stole my "Wolf Blitzer."
Now, look. Whaddya got to do today? 'Cause, uh...
I got you a little going-away present...
but, uh, I gotta kind of track it down first.
- So can you give me a ride? - Uh, yeah. I just, uh...
- What? - No, nothin'. I just, uh...
Say it. Speak.
I kinda told Sam I was gonna hang out with her today.
- So, uh... - She can come. I don't care.
I can't believe we're in fucking Handi-World.
I really don't want to be in Handi-World.
We're getting money for your present. Don't look so guilty.
- How do I look guilty? - Andrew Largeman?
- Oh, no. Benson. - Oh, no.
- Who is that? - Just don't give him your number.
Hey, man. What's up?
- Holy shit! - How's it goin'?
- I haven't seen you since, like, junior year. - Yeah.
- I thought you killed yourself. - What?
I thought you killed yourself.
- That wasn't you? - No, no. That wasn't me.
- Who killed themselves? - That was the Gleason kid.
- Oh. - Oh, and Tina.
- Tina who? - You remember Tina.
- She was anorexic, did gymnastics... - Oh, gymnastics Tina?
- How'd she do it? - I don't know. She wasn'tJewish. I didn't bury her.
I think it was sleeping pills. Or that car in the garage thing. I forgot.
- Uh, sorry, this is Sam, Karl. Karl, Sam? - Hey.
- Hey. - I gotta go find that thing.
- Uh, you two stay here. I'll be right back. - Is it heavy, or... Okay.
- Hey, weren't you on a TV show or something? - Yeah, it was just this show.
So, uh, you're like workin' here. That's cool.
Only for a little while. I'm opening my own business.
Actually, I should talk to you about it.
I'm lookin' for smart people like you, Large.
- I should get your number. - Yeah, definitely. That'd be... That'd be cool.
I'd like to talk to you... both...
about a good opportunity for you and your loved ones.
We all have dreams. I know I do!
I'd like to talk to you about an exciting opportunity that people are talking about.
- We gotta get goin'. - Oh, okay. It was good to see you, Karl.
- Hey, I should get your number. - Yeah, definitely.
Well, I'll call you because I think he has it in his book.
Nice to meet you.
Why is it always the losers that get caught up in the pyramid schemes?
Why can't it be some charming, hot girl nagging you incessantly to buy some shit?
- Is that what he's doin'? - Yeah. It's detergent or some shit.
Why are you buying knives? I don't need knives.
- I'd like to return these. - You got a receipt?
- Actually, no. They're a gift. - Why are you returning these?
- They're not sharp enough. - They're not sharp enough?
No. Not for what we need them for.
- They couldn't cut cans. - You bought them to cut cans?
No, but in the commercial, it said if I wanted to cut cans, I could.
- With these knives, I can't. - It comes with a sharpener.
- Did you try it? - Yeah. They're just...
- I don't want them. They're not sharp enough. - Okay.
A major loophole in the Handi-World return policy is that they permit returns...
without receipts on items below $40.
So, how often do you go?
I hit every employee once, and then I wait until they hire new ones.
Luckily, nobody stays at Handi-World for very long.
- Except for Karl Benson. - You know, Mark, it's my last day in town.
- If you need money, I could loan you some. - I don't need your money.
- I'm making my own right now. - Fuck, take Jesse's. The guy's a millionaire.
I don't take anybody's money. Okay, Andrew?
I make my own. Favors are bad news.
The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money. Okay?
Let's go. I gotta see a guy about a nitrous tank.
- What is this place?
I think you can see into the hotel rooms.
Oh, yeah! Ohh! Ohh! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuckin' cum.!
That shit was hot. That shit was hot.
I gotta go drop some knowledge on that ho right there.
How do you know she's a hooker?
Of course she's a fuckin' hooker.
Girls who look like her do not fuck guys that look like him...
unless it's for coke, money or fame.
Well, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett.
- Who the fuck are you? - This is Sam. This is Large.
No offense, man. But why are you bringing these fuckin' people here?
This is the guy who needs that thing. Wait.
I brought you the tank. Okay?
- Could you just tell us where to go now? - That thing come with balloons?
What am I, a fuckin' birthday clown? No. It doesn't come with balloons.
Suck it off the tap. And I need it back when you're done...
- because that guy's holdin' my 39 bucks. - All right.
Hold up. Hold up!
Who here just saw some titties?
Raise you hand if you just saw some titties. Hmm?
Thank you! So everybody just calm the fuck down!
Now. You know where Kiernan's Quarry is?
- Down in Newark, right? - Yeah.
It's at the bottom of Hillside and Rivington.
You can't really see it from the street, but it's there.
Park your car at the gate and hop the fence.
At the bottom of the quarry, there's this junkyard run by this guy named... Albert.
He's the one that tracked down the piece you're lookin'for. All right?
I'll call him right now and tell him to expect you.
Okay, stop. What the fuck are we doin'?
- Just be patient, man. - We've been patient all day...
but it's my last day and you haven't told us what we're doin'.
If you told me we were going on a six-hour hunt for blow, I would've passed.
If I was gonna get you coke, we would've gone to the fuckin' high school football practice.
We would have been rolling five hours ago.
I think we corrupted this innocent girl enough.
- I'm not innocent! - Yes, you are! All right? That's what I like about you.
I don't want this guy taking you to, like, some sketchy quarry...
in the middle of nowhere to find, like, crack whores huffing turpentine...
or pit bulls raping each other or whatever it is you have us doing!
Wow. That's like the most worked-up I've ever seen you.
- He was protecting me. - So?
- He likes me. - Don't be cute.
He's my knight in shining armor.
Don't talk about knights in front of Mark. It's a sore subject.
- I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. - Pun intended?
- Oh, you're fuckin'...
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, my God. - Wow!
I never even knew this was here.
I've heard about it. They were supposed to build a mall here, I think.
Yeah. I remember reading about that in the paper, that they were...
digging or something, and they break into this natural phenomenon.
It's like an underground Grand Canyon or something.
Now they're in some huge legal battle over whether they can build here or not.
Can you imagine the guy whose job it is to fight for his right to build a mall...
- on some, like, geological phenomenon?
They love their malls here, man.
All right. Let's find this guy and get out of here.
- You're not gonna tell us what we're getting? - It's a surprise. You'll see.
- I think it's gonna rain.
So this is it.
So knock! Knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
- Mark? - Yeah. Albert?
Come on in.
Oh, man. You guys must be freezing.
Make yourselves warm by the fire. I'm just gonna go put her down.
Okay? I'll be right back out.
Ah, I must say, I'm continually impressed with how each place you bring us...
- continues to be weirder and weirder. - What do you mean? This is nice.
Oh, nothing. Just hangin' out on an old boat at the bottom of a quarry in Newark.
It's hardly the bottom, dude.
Did you check out that cliff down there?
Hey.! This is my wife, Faye.
Please. Have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable.
Man, it's really comin' down out there.
- It just started pouring all of a sudden. - Well...
in a bad storm, I like to pretend that this old boat's my own private ark.
Um, unfortunately, if this is the apocalypse...
- I'm not quite sure it still floats. - Yeah, I don't know.
- Listen, would anybody like some tea? - I'd love some. Thank you.
- Do you want some? I'll be right back.
What is this place? What is it that you do down here?
Well, we're calling it Kiernan's Fault. It's, uh...
No one really knows what it is because we haven't been able to explore it.
Meanwhile, while they're locked in litigation, they hired me...
- to make sure no one comes inside. - Wow.
But what they don't know is that at night I climb down.
So, how deep does it go? Thank you.
You know... Thank you. No one really knows.
But I like to pretend it's infinite.
It's kind of an odd job.
- Guardian of an infinite abyss. - Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.
But we also trade and deal in antique jewelry.
I suppose it is odd that we live down here like this.
- No. - Not at all. - Never crossed my mind.
Well, we think it's important.
Why? What is it that you think you're gonna find?
I guess I just like the idea of discovering something.
Of doing something that's completely unique...
that's never been done before.
- "Albert's Abyss." - Well, maybe. Who knows?
But, you know what? That's all ego.
None of that really matters. If I get to be with this person right here...
and our beautiful baby...
that's all I need.
Well, I suppose you want what you came all the way down here for.
Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
It took me a while to track this piece down...
but I owed Diego huge.
That's it. Thank you so much.
- Yeah. - Really.
Good luck in the rain. Um, do you guys want some garbage bags or something?
- Yeah. - Okay. That'd be great.
- Hey, Albert! - Yeah?
Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Thank you. Hey!
So, uh, I don't know if I'm gonna see you, man.
Don't you want to know what's in the bag?
To be honest, I don't even care anymore.
What is it?
It's my mom's favorite necklace.
I'd be lying to you if I told you it was my plan all along.
But... I got it back to you, right? That's gotta be worth something.
This whole day was about this?
You didn't want it down there with her.
It's better it's with you.
Hey.! If you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me.
It's funny. This, uh...
This necklace reminds me of this really random memory of my mother.
I was a little kid, and I was cryin' for one reason or another.
She was just like, you know, cradling me and rocking me back and forth.
I can remember seeing the little balls in this thing just floating back and forth.
And there was just, like, snot dripping down my nose, right?
She gave me her sleeve...
and she told me to blow my nose into it.
And I remember thinking, even as a little kid, like...
This is love."
"This is love."
Large? I think I see one.
- Shut up. - Yeah, I do. Wait. Wait, wait.
We should save it or something.
Okay. Don't move. Okay.
We could put it in my scrapbook, if I had a scrapbook.
- That it? - I think so. I don't really feel any more coming.
Well, if you do, just let me know. I'll get the cup, okay?
This was such a good idea.
- Who are you? - I'm your new friend Sam.
Fuck, this hurts so much.
Yeah, I know.
But that is life.
If nothing else, that's life, you know.
It's real. Sometimes it fuckin' hurts.
To be honest, it's sort of all we have.
How are you feelin'?
When I'm with you, I feel so safe.
Like I'm home.
But did not make it. The driver died on impact.
- Come on in. - I'm sorry I woke you up.
No, I was just reading.
Where have you been?
Been on sort of a crazy journey these last couple days.
You've been avoiding me.
No, I haven't been. Come on.
Okay, maybe I have been.
I'm sure you can find lots of things in your life...
that you can be angry about.
But what I do not understand is why you're so angry at me.
All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy again.
- That's all I ever wanted. - When were we all ever happy, Dad?
You always say that, but when was that?
When was this time that we were all so happy?
'Cause I don't have it in my memory. Maybe if I did, I could help steer us back there.
But I just...
You know, you and I need to work on being okay...
if that's not in the cards for us.
Well, we might have a shot at it...
if you can forgive yourself for what you did.
What I did. What I did.
Okay, let's-let's do it. Okay, we're here, right? Le-Let's do it!
I'm gonna forgive myself for what I did. Are you ready?
I was a little boy, and somebody made a shitty latch.
That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, okay?
And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore. They left me completely fuckin' numb.
I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, okay?
And for that...
For that, I'm here to forgive you.
You always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted.
Maybe what Mom wanted more than anything was for it to all be over.
And for me...
what I want more than anything in the world is for it to be okay with you...
for me to feel something again.
Even if it's pain.
Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation.
That's a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
This is my life, Dad.
This is it.
I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start.
So, no, no, I don't think it's too much to take on...
because it's everything there is.
I see now it's all there is.
You and I are going to be okay. You know that, right?
We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but...
for the first time, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are.
And that'll be better, okay?
I think that'll be better.
What are you thinking about?
- You're not coming back, are you? - Come on, Sam.
- Of course I am. - No, you're not.
You don't realize this is good. This doesn't happen often.
In your life, you know? I mean, this...
We can work this stuff out.
I want to help you, you know?
We need each other. I haven't even lied in, like, two days.
Is that true?
Look, this isn't...
This isn't a conversation about this being over.
I'm not puttin' a period at the end of this, you know?
I'm puttin', like, an ellipsis on it.
Because I'm-I'm worried that if I don't go figure myself out...
if I don't go, like, land on my own two feet...
then I'm gonna fuck this whole thing up, and this is too important.
I gotta go. l...
I fired my psychiatrist. I gotta go find a new one.
Look, I'm gonna call you when I get there.
I'm gonna call you.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You changed my life.
You changed my life, and I've known you four days.
This is the beginning of something really big.
But right now, I gotta go.
Final boarding call for all...
Take your seats as quickly as possible.
- What are you doing? - Remember that idea I had about working stuff out on my own...
- and then finding you once I figured stuff out? - The ellipsis?
Yeah. The ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea.
And I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it.
This is life...
and I'm in love with you, Samantha.
I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life.
I'm really messed up now, and I got a lot of stuff I gotta work out.
But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, okay?
- Yeah. - And I think I can do this! I mean, I want to.
- We have to, right? - Yeah!
- Right? - Yes!
So what do we do?
What do we do?
Donated by SergeiK