Happy Gilmore Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Happy Gilmore script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Adam Sandler.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Happy Gilmore. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Happy Gilmore Script



My name is Happy Gilmore.



Ever since I was old enough to skate,

I loved hockey.



I wasn't really

the greatest skater.



But that didn't keep my dad

from teaching me...



...the secret of making

a great slap shot.



My dad worshipped hockey.

My mom didn't.



So she moved to Egypt, where there's

not a hockey rink within      miles.



Dad took ne to games

to see our favorite player...



...Terry O'ReiIIy,

''The Tasnanian DeviI''.



He wasn't a big guy,

but he feared nobody, just Like me.



Handsone feIIow, huh? He said

when I grew up, I could be anything.



But all I ever wanted to be

was a hockey player.



My childhood was going great,

but Life is fuII of surprises.



After the funeraI, I was sent to Live

with my grandma in Waterbury.



I was nervous,

since I didn't know her that well.



She dressed Like Gene Sinnons

from KISS to cheer ne up.



She's the sweetest person

in the world.



After my dad died,

I developed a short fuse.



That kid stoIe ny party bIower.



Instead of asking for it back,

I hit hin in the head repeatedIy...



with a hanner.



Most of the time, I was quick to say

I was sorry.



Years Iater, I played junior hockey

and still hold two Ieague records...



...nost time spent

in a penaIty box...



...and I was the onIy guy to ever try

to stab someone with his skates.



After I graduated, I had

a lot of different jobs.



I was a road worker...



...a janitor...



...a security guard...



...a gas station attendant...



...and a plunber.



Lately, I've been working

construction. It's not bad.



I知 a good shot

with a nall gun.



But one day ny boss, Mr. Larson,

got in the way.



ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.

Look at the nonster.



He got in a few Lucky punches,

but I feeI I won the fight.



Anyway, those jobs

weren't for ne.



I was put on this planet

for one reason--to play hockey.



It's my puck, baby!

Don't you ever touch my puck!



Is that Gilmore again?

How nany times has he tried out?



At Least ten times.



He has a lot of intensity.



Not a strong skater, though.



Nor the best puck handIer.



But, ny God...



What a shot.



It that goal regulation size

or what?!



Number one...



...number fifty-two...number sixteen...



They saw my power.

They won't dog ne this year.



...number nine...



...and number forty-three.

The rest of you...



...better Luck next year.



Coach, what's going on?

What about ne?






I called your number,

didn't I?



No, you didn't.



Well, better Luck next year.



That wasn't very nice!



You think you're better

than me?!



Where you going?

I got Subway.



I aIready ate.



I knew the guy working there,

so we got extra neatballs.



Great. I got to run.



Can you stay?

I had a rough day.






-When will you be back?




Terry, wait!



Wait! Hold on a second, babe.



You're not going for good,

are you?



You're going nowhere

and taking ne with you.



ALL you ever taIk about is being a pro

hockey player, but you're not any good.



I an good! You know what?

You're a Lousy kindergarten teacher!



I saw the finger paintings

you bring hone--they suck!



I知 sorry. I didn't mean that.

They're excellent finger paintings.



Please don't go.



I知 not spending the rest of ny Life

with a Loser.



I知 gone.



Good! Get the hell out of my Life!

Who needs you? Beat it!



I知 sorry.

I didn't mean that.



I just yell

'cause I get so scared.



Scared of being a nobody.



Why don't you cone back

upstairs, honey?



I'II give you the oId snoochy-snoo




You know Happy

will make everything okay.



I want to kiss you all over



And over and again



I want to kiss you all over



Till the night cIoses in



Till the night cIoses in






Sit tight.

I'II be right over.



Hey, you don't want breakfast?






Put that down!

It's my grandmother's!



Cut it out, kid.

We're just doing our job.



What are you talking about?



Your grandmother

hasn't paid taxes in    years.



Grandma, you didn't pay

your taxes?



I would have,

but I didn't have any money.



Where are you taking her stuff?



I知 not taking her stuff,

the governement is.



It's not like I知 taking her stuff

over to my place.



Don't get nad at ne.



But she's an oId Lady.

Look at her. She's oId.



You can't just take her stuff.

She's too oId.



I知 sorry. I have no discretion.

Her stuff is now our stuff.



Well, at Least we got the house.



I'II bring furniture fron ny place.

We'II be okay.



Now you'II really be nad.

I知 taking the house, too.



My grandfather built this house

with his bare hands.



My Grandma's been here over    years.

You can't take her house.



Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS

$       in back taxes.



We have to take the house.



If you can't repay the money in   

days, we seII the house to someone else.



You hate ne, don't you?



No, I don't hate you.



He hates ne.



Don't worry-

things will be okay.



Look at this place.



Sliver Acres Rest Hone.

It Looks more Like a country club.



Nice grass, nice people.



I hope you brought

your bathing suit.



You're going to make friends

in no time.






Get ne out of here!!!



Here, eat that!

Leave us alone!



Grandma, you could cone

Live with ne.



Nonsense, dear.

You're a grown man.



I wouldn't burden you

Like that and that's finaI.



TeII ne, how is that nice girlfriend

of yours?



She got hit by a car.

She's dead.



Listen, I will get that $      

and get your house back.



I promise.



Oh, sure.



In the meantime, just stay here

and have sone fun.



I will, dear. Don't worry.



Pardon ne,

but it's nap time.



Nap time--that sounds nice.



-You go.

-I Love you.



I Love you, too, darling.



Buddy, do ne a favor.

You see that Lady?



She's very important to ne.



I want you to take

extra special care of her.



You know what I mean?



I can't accept that.

But this is what I can do.



I can take extra special care

of that young Lady for nothing.



I appreciate that.



Have a nice afternoon.



Sir, could I trouble you for a gIass of

warn milk? It helps put ne to sleep.



You could trouble ne for a warn gIass

of shut the hell up.



Go to sleep

or I will put you to sleep.



Check out the name tag.

You're in my world now, Grandma.



Oh, dear.



Bet you I can hit a ball

past that tree.



Twenty bucks says you can't.



Morons, I toId you I want to watch

the hockey game.



Cut the golf sissy crap

and finish up.



Oh, relax.



You can enjoy your Grandma's

possessions for another haIf hour.



Oh, you got a hold of that one!



-You try it.

-It's not as easy as it Looks.



Sorry, Ladies.

I知 not the golfing type.



You hit a ball past ny ball...



...we'II finish work so you can watch

your hockey game.



Give ne the stupid club.



Look at this stupid thing.



This will be hilarious.

Look how he's standing.



You Like that?



HoIy shit.



Back to work.



That house is     yards away.



Is that good?



-That's unbelievable.

-Beginner's Luck.



I bet $   you can't do it again.



Bring it on.



You boys are going to pay

for that--



-You hit hin!

-He shouldn't have been standing there.



One more time.

DoubIe or nothing.



You better pay up.



Oops. Maybe we should

get back inside.



You nade a bet.

Pay the nan.



Thanks. TeII your friends.



Step right up, foIks!



See if you can outdrive the amazing

Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!



That's great.



Very good.



Bend your knees. Remember,

it's in the hips. You're doing great.



It's in the hips.



Fifty bucks I can hit it

over the highway.



That's real good.



So Long, sucker.



How often do you play?



This is ny first time.



You should play

in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.



Yeah, right, I'II see you there.



He's going to play.



And, by God,

he's going to win.



Mister, you need a helmet.



Don't worry about it.



Yeah, bring that shit on.



I Love it.






God, that hurt,

but I知 okay.



What the hell

are you doing?



Just     more days till the next

hockey tryouts. I got to get tough.



God, that feIt good.



Cut that out.

You're making ne sick.



So you're a hockey player.



You got to give that up

and concentrate on golf.



Who are you?



I知 the club pro here--

Chubbs Peterson.



I知 offering to teach you

how to play golf, personally, for free.






You don't know who I an,

do you?



No, I don't.



Back in     ...



...Sports said I would be

the next ArnoId PaIner.



What happened?



I wasn't allowed

to play pro anymore.



I知 sorry.

Because you're bIack?



Hell, no.

An alligator bit ny hand off.



Oh, ny God!



Tournament in FIorida.

My ball went down by a Iake.



Dann alligator just popped up!

Cut ne down in my prime.



But I tore one of that bastard's eyes

out. Look at that.



You're pretty sick, Chubbs.



I've never seen anyone...



...who can hit the ball

haIf as far as you. You got real talent.



That's nice of you to say, but

I trained all my Life to play hockey.



Golf is no different--requires talent,




Golf requires goofy pants

and a fat ass.



TaIk to ny neighbor--a great golfer.

Huge ass.



I bet your neighbor can't drive

the ball     yards.



I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot

to get on the Pro Tour.



How would I do that?



You win the Open tomorrow,

you're on the Pro Tour.



Then, who knows? Maybe you'II win

the Tour Chanpionship.



Get that Gold jacket

I never got.



Gold jacket, green jacket--

who cares?



Don't worry. It's nade of wood--

real sturdy.



Sorry about that.



It was good to neet you,

but, uh....



I知 out of here.



This is not real snart, kid.



I thought you were pro material,

primed for the big bucks.



Hey, Chubbs...



...what kind of big bucks?



Stupid golf clubs.

Why the hell an I doing this?



Whoa--nust be Burt Reynolds

or something.



Good morning!



Isn't this great? BIue skies,

fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.



You going to recite ne a poem?

Geez, you Love this golf stuff.



A guy your size--why not play

a real sport, Like football?



My nana wouldn't Iet ne.

Said it was too dangerous.



Yeah, good call.



Hey, who's that?



The shorter guy is Doug Thonpson,

president of the Tour.



The other guy is Shooter McGavin,

Leading money winner this year.



Who's the girI?



I知 Virginia Venit, Director

of PubIic ReIations for the Tour.



Of course. I've heard you've done

sone really interesting things.



Right now I知 working

on a pronotion--



You know what would be great?

If I could get a Pepsi.






Oh, niss?









Hey, thanks for dressing up.



If I wore cIothes Like those,

I'd have to kick ny own ass.



Good morning, everyone.



Welcome to the Waterbury Open.

Before we begin, I have a treat for you.



Ladies and gentIenen,

Shooter McGavin.



Thank you, Doug.

I saw Doug play yesterday.



He spends more time in the sand

than David HasseIhoff.



Let ne get serious.

You're all aware...



...today's winner will be invited

to join the Pro Tour.



AIthough onIy one will becone

ny coIIeague...



...all of you are now my friends.



Thank you.

Now go get 'en!



Next up: Lafferty, DanieI

and Gilmore...Happy.



Where you taking

those clubs, punk?!



Mr. Gilmore,

I知 your caddy.



Sorry. I'II carry these.



They're ny grandfather's.

They're pretty oId.



What should I do then?



Why don't you just watch ne...



...and make sure

I don't do anything stupid?



Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty

is teeing off now.



Okay. Good Luck, buddy.



Get out of the way.



Where were you that time,




ProbabIy the best I'II hit

all day.



Mr. Gilmore, you're up.



Dann it!






Relax. Do what we discussed.

Don't Look at the green.



Hit the ball. There's no goalie

anywhere to bIock it.



Remember, it's all in the hip.

Cone on. Work with ne.



It's all in the hips.

ALL in the hips.



It's all in the hips.



Get off ne!



Just easing the tension.

Just easing the tension.



Well, ease it on someone else.



What the hell?



Good. Now we just worry

about putting.



Oh, yeah. Putting.



Remember what I said.



Use your shoulders

to push the ball, not the arns.



Don't break the wrist.



Whoa, you're confusing ne.

Just Iet ne put the ball in the hoIe.



Is he kidding?



This is pathetic.



Good shot.



It's about time.



True. I just couldn't get the ball in

the hoIe. I wanted to, but I couldn't.



He shoots, he scores!



That was nuch easier than putting.

I should try and do that every time.



Good pIan.



-Did you see that?

-Yes. Nice.



He got a hoIe in one

on a par four.



I said I saw it.



I hope he wins.

He's a pubIicist's drean.



A guy who can drive the ball

that far--he could really draw a crowd.



So could a golfer with an arn

growing out of his ass.



Now, you make this one

in four or Iess shots...



...you win the tournament.



Four shots.



Think of it this way. The other tean

has puIIed their goalie.



It's wide open.

ALL you have to do is tap it in.



I can do that.



Don't worry.

You're doing fine.



ALL you have to do is tap it in.

Just tap it in.



Just tap it in.



Just tap it in. Just tap it in.

Give it a IittIe tappy.



Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.



Grandma, Grandma...



...Grandma, Grandma.



ALL right!



He's going to be on the Tour.




That's cute.



Mr. Gilmore, Virginia Venit.

I知 P.R. Director of the Tour.



Nice to neet you.






I saw that hoIe in one on a par four.

That nust be a record.



I got a hockey record.



I tried to stab someone with ny skate.

Nobody else ever did that.



That's wonderfuI.



I an a bit bunned.

I thought we got money for this.



Cheer up. Next week in Portland,

the winner takes hone $      .



And the guy

who cones in Last?



$    .



So no natter what,

I'II get sone money.



Yeah. Well, I'II see you

next week then.






I hate to adnit this,

but this is ny first trophy.



I wish that goofy golf guy

wasn't on top.



Maybe I'II put a hockey guy

on instead.



Happy, shut your trap.



-You were great out there today.

-Thank you.



But not that great.

A Iot of that was Luck.



Sone night call it Luck.

I Like to call it...



...well, Luck, I guess.

So what?



Don't join the Pro Tour yet.



We got work to do

before you go against professionaIs.



Forget it.

I'II pick up the rest as I go.



Don't be a fooI! People would kiII

to hit the Long ball Like you.



You got an advantage

over any other golfer.



By deveIoping the rest

of your game...



...you'd be unstoppabIe.



You're right,

but I need money.



Don't be an asshoIe. Give ne six

nonths. I'II work with you every day.



No, I got to go. I appreciate

everything. Wish ne Luck.



Best of Luck, kid.

Best of Luck.



Marty, shut up

and I'II teII you.



The price is $    per quiIt.



Well, this is handnade

quallty shit.



When do you need then by?




Good doing business

with you.



Okay, everyone. Turn up your voIunes.




Good news--arts and crafts time

is extended   hours.



My fingers hurt.



What's that?



My fingers hurt.



Well, soon your back will hurt

because you just got Iandscaping duty.



Anyone else's fingers hurt?



I didn't think so.



Why do you make ne act

Like that, huh?



Mr. Gilmore!

Toidy's to the right, dear.



-How's Grandma?

-Super. It's arts and crafts time.



Grandma is quite a quiIter.



That's a trenendous trophy.



Happy, I知 so gIad to see you.



I知 gIad to see you, too.



I think about you all the time.



Looks Like everyone's

having fun here.



Good news--I nade

the ProfessionaI Golfers' Tour.



That's LoveIy.



You know what else is LoveIy?



If I can beat those other guys...

we'II get the house back.



Oh, thank God! I can't stand to Live

in this place another ninute!



I thought you Liked it here.



That orderIy is nice.

Don't you Like hin?



Oh, I do.



It's just that the air conditioner's

broken. I知 getting a IittIe warn.



Let the kid fix it for you.



Get the IittIe twisty knobs.



That ain't doing it. Okay.



Mister! Mister!



Get this off of ne! Mister!



I'II be right down!



You know that ''Mister, nister'' Lady?

I think I kiIIed her.



Nornan spends more time in the sand

than David HasseIhoff.



Cone on, that was funny.



-It was the first time I heard it.

-Drink up.



Anyone tapped the keg yet?

I'II punp. I知 Happy Gilmore.



Mark Lye.

Welcome to the Tour.



I heard about the ace you had

on a par four. Inpressive.



You heard about that?



CooI. That's a nice jacket.



You get one if you win

the Tour Chanpionship.



Oh, yeah? What's that?



OnIy the biggest tournament

of the year.



Oh, really? Where's yours?



Good one. He's funny.

I'II have nine in three nonths.



Not if I have anything

to do with it.



Whoa, Look out.



You better Look out.



If you're free, join us at  :  

on the ninth green.



-What happens there?

-Secret of the pros.



ALL right, cooI.



I知 out of here. I hear the Asteroids

nachine calling ny name. Peace.



And, Happy...dress nice, huh?



ALL right, all right.



AInost nine o'cIock.



PubIic reIations Lady,

you seen Shooter McGavin?



-No. Why?

-I need to beat the piss out of hin.



Let ne guess--the ninth green

at nine trick.



It would appear so.



He does deserve a beating.



But if you beat hin up,

I'II have to expIain to the papers...



...why the new guy beat up

Shooter McGavin. More work for ne.



I don't want to do that.



Forget about Shooter.

He's just threatened by you.



He's afraid you'II steaI

his thunder.



That's nice of you to say.



So, I知 going to go change now.



My girlfriend's dead. She feII off

a cIiff and died on inpact.




I知 sorry to hear that.



You should get sone sleep.

Tomorrow's a big day.



You're right. It is.



Hello. I知 Verne Lundquist,

with Jack Beard.



We have a nice crowd here

on this sun-sationaI April morning...



...for the   nd annual

AT&T Invitational.



Here today are eIite golfers

fron around the world.



The favorite is Shooter McGavin.

He's won three of the Last four.



Thanks, nan.



Here's ny Last buck.



This is the Last time.



He's just trying to make sone money.

Leave hin alone.



I don't know why I知 winning.



I知 in the zone.

The hoIe seens to get bigger.



You Like being the favorite?



I知 not. With the great players here,

anyone could win.



I'II just do my best.



The real favorite is Portland. Every

time I visit, it's harder to Leave.



Must be something in the water.

Well, time to play golf.



Good Luck.



I知 a hockey player

playing golf today.






Happy Gilmore.



The guy with the Long drive.



-Caddy's name?

-You haven't given ne one yet.



On the Pro Tour,

you provide your own.









Easy with those clubs.

They're antiques.



Gary Potter. Great to have you

on the Tour.



I feeI a Iot of soIid energy coning

out of you. Good positive aura.



Nice to neet you.



Is it aIways Like this--TV caneras,

people and stuff?



Yeah, a Iot of pressure.

Rise above it.



Harness in the good energy,

bIock out the bad.



Harness energy, bIock bad.



FeeI the fIow, Happy.

It's circuIar.



It's Like a carouseI.



You get on the horse.

It goes up, down and around.



CircuIar. CircIe. With the nusic,

the fIow. ALL good things.



Okay. Well, great. Thanks.

Nice to neet you.






Next to tee off,

Happy Gilmore.



Give ne a club.



I'II get it.



Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass--









What a shot

by Happy Gilmore!



Who the hell is

Happy Gilmore?



Oh, yeah!



I got it!



Like that, baby?



PIenty more

where that cane fron!



Get Virginia Venit in here, now.



Use a five iron.



You think so?

Give ne ny wedge.



Five iron, huh?

You're fired. Bye-bye.



What are you doing, Happy--riding

a buII? You're acting Like a dann fooI!



Doing the buII dance.

FeeIing the fIow. Working it.



On the   th green, Shooter McGavin

putts for the win.



His crowd seens unusually snall

for this type of nonent.



Most people are over watching

Happy Gilmore.



He's the taIk of the course...



...with his huge drives

and bizarre behavior.



He's on the   th green right now,

having trouble cIosing out his day.



Happy, the ball has its own energy

or Life force, if you will.



Its naturaI environnent

is in the hoIe.



Why don't you send hin hone?



His bags are packed.

He has his pIane ticket.



Bring hin to the airport.



Send hin hone.



Send hin hone.

I'II send hin hone.



It's time to go hone, ball.



Son of a bitch ball!

Why didn't you go hone?!



That's your hone! Are you too good

for your hone?! Answer ne!



Suck ny white ass, ball!



Draft a press reIease stating Gilmore

is being thrown off the Tour.



I want to see it by  :   p.n.



You're right--his behavior is

conpIeteIy unacceptabIe.



But golf has been waiting

for a player Like this.



A coIorfuI, enotionaI,

working cIass hero.



I will not toIerate this behavior.

Gilmore is gone.



I got a call

fron the Dallas Open.



They're deIuged with calls

fron people who want to see Happy.



-They soId out.




I know he's a IittIe rough.

Let ne work with hin.



Okay. Fine.

But he's your responsibiIity.



If he cIeans up, he can stay.



If he doesn't, it's your ass.



And any more of this...



...and he's gone.



Shooter! Shooter!



What do you think

of Happy Gilmore?



I didn't see hin play.

I was too busy winning.



But a    -yard drive

is inpressive.



Yeah. Where did he finish again?

Dead Last? Yeah, he had a good day.



Did he really make

a    -yard ace?



Where's ny check?



We nall then next week.



I want nine now.



I don't have any checks.



He got one. Give ne

one of then big ones, I don't care.



Give ne a beer, paI.



Put that on ny tab.



You were the taIk

of the tournament, Gilmore.



Wow, thanks a Iot.



You sure crush the ball at the tee.

You'd do well in a Long-drive contest.



You'd make good money, traveIing,

hustIing at driving ranges.



I know what you're doing

right now...



...and I don't Like it. So just shut

your trap before I put ny foot in it.



Don't turn your back on ne.

Listen, this is Shooter's tour.



I worked hard, paid ny dues--

now it's Shooter's turn.



Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top

be spoiIed by sone freak.



Did you call ne a freak?



I was on this tour for one reason--




Now I got a new one--

kicking your ass.



I'd Like to see you try.



Let's do it.



I meant at golf.



What's going on here?



I was Looking for the other haIf

of this bottIe.



Oh, there's sone of it

right there.



-Why don't you put it down?

-I know.



Just stay out of ny way.

Or you'II pay. Listen to what I say.



Why don't I go eat sone hay?



I could make things out of cIay

and Iay by the bay.



What do you say?



CaIn down or you'II get kicked

off the Tour.



-That can't happen.

-It can, and I don't want it to.



You could be a big star.



I just want to make

sone money.



You won't be around Long enough

to do that if you don't behave.



What do you mean by ''behave''?



No swearing,

no throwing clubs...



...and especialIy no hitting

other players.



You mean no fun.



You can have fun.



That's why I think people cone

to see you. But keep it within reason.



I will work on what you call behaving.

But I won't act Like a stiff.



Fine. Thank you.



Hey, un...



...you want to get sone food?



No, thanks.

I don't date golfers.



Good. I知 a hockey player.



Just behave, okay?



Happy Gilmore approaches the tee

in the   nd annual CIeveIand CIassic.



Happy Gilmore!

Drive it     yards!



I can't beIieve I have fans.

I waited all ny Life for that.



Don't be aIarned,

Mr. Gilmore.



I know we had our probIens,

but I知 proud of you.



Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson.



It's good to see you again.



How's that, uh, thing feeIing?



Terrific. The nall cones out

next week.



Well, you hardIy even notice it.



Let's make a IittIe noise here.



Cone on!

I can't hear you!



Trying to reach

the green fron here?



That's not possibIe, sir.



I beg to differ.



Happy Gilmore acconpIished that feat

no more than an hour ago.



Well, noron, good for Happy--

Oh, ny God!



Oh, ny God.



Hey, Shooter,

you forgot your nine iron.



A Iarge and econonically diverse crowd

here at the MicheIob Invitational.



It's the tour sensation,

Happy Gilmore...



...who's attracting all types

to this course. I even saw one guy...



...wearing one of those

beer-dispensing helmets.



Dann you people.

Go back to your shanties.



This is a biggie, paI.

I got to make sone real money.



What do you think?

SIightIy downhiII?



And sIanting Ieft.



No, you think that

'cause you onIy got one shoe on.



Oh, yeah.



Happy Gilmore



You got the ball?



Happy Gilmore fron nine feet.



Here cones the putter throw.



Wait. He's restrained hinseIf.

Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore.



Another tournament here in Dallas,

and Shooter McGavin wins again.



He's won here   years in a row.



That son of a bitch!



Give ne ny ball! Give it here!

Cough it up, you dirty bastard!



I'II rip it out of you!



Give ne--



Give ne the ball.



You have one eye.






You took his hand.



That Happy Gilmore is a real crack-up.

He's a hoot!



He's bringing in

sone big crowds.



Today, one of his fans nooned ne.

He had ''HAPPY'' written on his ass.



''HA'' was on one cheek

and ''PPY'' on the other.



I Love what he's doing for golf.



-Well, I知 starting to cone around.

-Everyone is.



Well, I知 not, Doug!!



This nan is destroying golf.



I saw two fat bikers in the woods

off    having sex.



How can I chip

with that going on?



-Kick hin off the Tour.

-He hasn't broken any ruIes.



He's a disgrace to the game!



Yes, but our ratings are up.

We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors.



I知 sorry, Shooter.



There's nothing I can do.



Then I'II have to take care of this




Grandma, I cane in  th place.

I won $     .



So we'II get the house back?



As Long as I don't place Last

the next two times...



...we'II get the money in time.



That's wonderfuI, Happy.



I Love you, Grandma. Bye.



Good-bye, darling.



We should go on that date.

I've been pretty good IateIy.



Oh? I hear you broke a rake

and threw it in the woods.



I didn't break it.

I was testing its durabiIity.



I put it in the woods

because it's nade of wood...



...and he should be

with his faniIy.



At Least I didn't punch anyone.



Okay, we'II go on a date.

But just as friends.



SIow down. I don't want to be

more than friends.



I just net you.



Fit you okay?



I haven't skated

since I was a IittIe kid.



Can we get a IittIe time here?



For Happy Gilmore, anything.



You played ice hockey?



Shut up.



Oh, ny God...power fallure.



It's very scary in here.



Did you pIan this?






I thought we were going to be

just friends.



What? Friends Iisten to ''EndIess Love''

in the dark.



This song reninds ne

of seventh grade.



It reninds ne

of ny grandmother.



That's kind of weird.



She took ne to see this novie.



I had the biggest crush

on Brooke ShieIds.



My Grandma toId ne I should

write her a Ietter, so I did.



I got a Ietter back

fron Brooke two weeks Iater.



But it was in ny grandmother's




Your Grandma sounds sweet.



She is sweet.

That's why I feeI so terribIe.






No, forget it.



You can teII ne.



She's stuck in a nursing hone.

The IRS repossessed her house.



That's awfuI.



That's why I joined the Tour.



I知 cIose to getting

her house back.



Don't teII anyone.

I知 kind of enbarrassed.



Don't worry.

I won't teII anyone.



I'II make you a bet.



Do you aIways carry a puck?






Now, if you get that puck

in the net over there...



...I'II never bother you again.



But if you niss...



...you have to give ne

a big, fat kiss.



And you have to pretend

you Like it.






Good Luck.






TaIk about your all-time backfires.






...I didn't see it go in.



I'II give it all to you



My Love, ny Love, ny Love



My endIess Love



Welcome to soggy San Francisco...



...site of this year's Pepsi Pro-An.



Hello, Happy.

I知 Bob Barker.



What an honor.

Nice to neet you.



We're playing together today.



That's funny.

Who an I really playing with?



In a Pro-An, each golfer plays

with a ceIebrity.






Nick FaIdo and I won Last year.

I'd Like to win this year.



I'II do ny best.



Hey, Gilmore?



You suck, you jackass.



Shut the hell up.



I'd Love to punch that guy in the face,

but I'd get in trouble.



You get this

on ''Let's Make A DeaI''?



''The Price Is Right'', Happy.



Oh, yeah. Sorry.



It happens.

Let's play sone golf.






The club went further

than the ball.



What was that all about?



It's just that it's rainy

and that guy.... It just sIipped.



Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion,

'cause you'II never get off that beach.



Just the way you never got

into the NHL, you jackass!



The green's that way.



You will not make this putt,

you jackass.



Nice shooting, soIdier.



ALL right, Happy...



...nice and easy.



That was not nice and easy.



That guy is driving ne crazy.



What's driving ne crazy is

you not getting the ball in the hoIe.



Don't push ne, Bob.

Now's not the time.






This guy sucks!



We haven't seen Gilmore play this badIy

since his first day on tour.



He and Bob Barker

are now dead Last.



You should be working at the snack bar,

not playing golf.



Relax, Bob.



There is no way you could have been

as bad at hockey as you are at golf.



Okay, Iet's go.



You Like that, oId nan?!

You want a piece of ne?



I don't want a piece of you.

I want the whoIe thing!



Now you're gonna get it,




The price is wrong, bitch.



I think you've had enough.






Now you've had enough.






That couldn't have gone better.



Instead of hitting you,

he hits Bob Barker.






So, see you

at the next tournament?



No need. This was on nationaI TV.

Gilmore is gone.



Let's get something at the Red Lobster.

My treat.



Sone other time.



I thought we were friends.



We are. I just have to go.



I'II be at the Red Lobster

in case you change your nind.



God bIess!



There you are.



Happy Gilmore,

cone on down!



Thank you, Shooter.

Sit down.



So you got in a fight with a game show

host on nationaI TV.



That is not entertainnent.



This is not hockey,

no natter how nuch you want it to be.



I know that and I知 sorry.



But there was a guy out there...



...giving ne crap. It took all I had

not to hit hin.



So you head-butt Bob Barker?

Who won that fight, anyway?



Enough, Shooter.



The board has done the foIIowing:



Fined you $     

and suspended you for one nonth.



-What?! I got to play!

-What?! Kick hin off the Tour.



The board thinks

that night be extrene...



...considering the fact

that our ratings were...



...the highest we've ever had.



My grandmother's house

got repossessed.



If I don't win more prize money,

they'II seII it to someone else.




Get out.



It's over. My grandmother

will never see her house again.



But you've nade a Iot of money.

You could buy her a nice condo.



My grandfather didn't buiId

any condos with his bare hands.



Dann it,

I hate that Bob Barker.



There nust be

another way to get the $     .



I don't want to taIk about it.

I falled, okay?



Let ne just enjoy the one thing

that makes ne a bit happy...



...this fresh, deIicious, tasty...



...neaty, turkey-fiIIed...



...CoId Cut Conbo. I eat three

every day just to keep ne strong.



Hey, Happy...



...can I have one of those?



Coning right up!



TaIk about a hoIe in one.



Subway sandwiches

will drive away your hunger.



What do you think?



I Love it. He Looks so handsone.

And it makes ne hungry.



They gave ne a card

that gives us free Subway for Life.



That's LoveIy.



You know what else is LoveIy?



That connerciaI puts us up

to $      .



Let's go get your house back.



What the hell?



What's going on here?



It's exciting. We're auctioning off

your grandmother's house.



You said if we got the money,

we could buy it back.



You can buy it back.



Bidding will start at $      .

Do I hear    ?



This is the exciting part.

Have fun.



Look at all these people.

What's going on, Happy?



Thank you, two.



They're auctioning it off.



Good. We'II get it cheaper

than we thought.



Two fifty, thank you.



Maybe not. Two seventy-five!



Two seventy-five. And three.



Three fifty down front.



I have three fifty.

Seventy-five anywhere?



Three fifty--soId to the gentleman

in the white sweater.



What just happened, Happy?



Go wait in the car, Grandma.



What the hell

is wrong with you?



I enjoy real estate speculation.



You touch ne, I burn the house down

and piss on the ashes.



What do you want for it?



You know what.



You off the Tour.



Quit, and the house is yours.



Fine. I quit.



No way. Happy, come here.



He's right. I don't belong in golf.

I'm a hockey player.



-What team do you play for?




Face it, Happy.

You are a golfer.



I did this to get Grandma's house back.

Now I can. No regrets.



What do you think she wants more--to

get her house back or see you succeed?



Maybe she can have both.

Hey, Shooter.



The Tour Chanpionship

is next week.



If I beat you, I get the house.

You beat ne, I'II quit.



You're going to beat ne?

At golf?



You're on.



But you're in trouble. I eat pieces

of shit Like you for breakfast.



You eat pieces of shit

for breakfast?






That was great.

I know you will kick his ass.



That makes one of us.



Take care of Grandma.

I'II waIk fron here.



-Where are you going?

-To Iearn to play golf.



I知 stupid, you're snart.



I was wrong,

you were right.



You're the best,

I知 the worst.



You're very good-Looking,

I知 not attractive.



Okay, as Long as you're willing

to adnit that. Now...



...are you ready to work

and do what I teII you?



BeIieve ne, I知 ready.



Then Iet's get to work.



I知 sorry. Here.



Here's your pinky.



''HappyIand'', just Like ne.



Don't get excited.

I've been here before.



This is enbarrassing. I知 a

professionaI golfer, for God's sake.



No, it's your short game

that's enbarrassing. Let's go.



Just Iine up the putt.

Don't even Look at the hoIe.



Ain for a spot six inches

in front of the hoIe. Line up with that.



Okay. Six inches.



This one's very tough.



He's Iaughing, having fun.



Yeah, Iaugh it up.

Enjoy your night.



Happy, concentrate.



I hate that cIown.



Easy. If you can't beat the cIown,

how will you beat Shooter McGavin?



You're gonna die, cIown!



Is that funny? I don't hear you

Iaughing now!






What? I can't do it!



Cone with ne, Happy.

Cone on!



You suck, you stupid cIown!



Remember, this isn't hockey.



You don't play with raw enotion.

You can't putt angry.



You nust cIear your nind

of everything else and stay focused.



How can I do that?



Think of a place

that's really perfect.



Your own happy place.



Go there and all your anger

will disappear.



Then putt.



Happy place.



Happy place.



Your happy place.



Now how do you feeI?






Now putt.



Your happy place.



We took sone giant steps




I知 really proud of you.






I got something special

for you.



Thanks, Chubbs.



It's the putter I used when I played--

sIightIy nodified, of course.



Man, this is excellent.



You got the spirit of a hockey player

in you, so I figured--why fight it?



I got something for you, too.



If not for you, none of this

would have happened...



...so I wanted to show

ny appreciation.



This Looks nice.

What is it?



Open it.






Oh, nan.



Remember the 'gator

that got your hand?



I got his head.



First ny dad and now Chubbs.



Anyone I get cIose to, dies.

If I were you, I'd run.



You can't bIane yourseIf

for this.



I guess that alligator

finally finished the job.



I知 going to niss you, paI.



How an I going to play today?



Just remember

what he taught you.



CongratuIations, nurderer.

You kiIIed a golf Iegend.



Beat it, McGavin.



I知 dedicating ny perfornance at the

Tour Chanpionship to Chubbs' nenory.



I知 playing for Chubbs.



I called it first.



You want to beat hin?

Beat hin on the course.



Yeah, I知 gonna beat your ass

out there.



Right. And GrizzIy Adans

had a beard.



GrizzIy Adans did have a beard.



The golfers

of the Tour Chanpionship...



...are ready to begin.

There nay be    professionaIs...



...vying for the titIe

of world's best...



but in the ninds of the spectators,

there are onIy two.



Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin...



...and bad boy Happy Gilmore,

just off suspension.



Wouldn't you know it?

They've been paired together.



I have sone good interior design ideas

for Grandma's house.



You know the bedroon

next to the stairs?



Yeah, that was ny roon.



I知 turning it

into ny trophy roon.



It just nay not be

big enough.



ALL right.



You know what's pathetic?

You've been playing golf all your Life.



Let ne show you

how we do it in the pros.



That's got to hurt.



Happy Iearned how to putt.




Here's a free Iesson.



Can't Iearn that

on a hockey rink.



Sonebody's cLoser.



After one day,

Shooter McGavin is Leading.



But the big surprise

is young Happy Gilmore...



...nipping at his heeIs,

tralling by onIy one stroke.



Shooter fron the sand.



Playing Like he really wants

that jacket.



Happy Gilmore answers back

with a birdie.



Happy with a Long eagIe opportunity.



It's good!



And Shooter can't beIieve it!



He is now tied

with Happy Gilmore!



Uh-oh. A IittIe too nuch zip

on that one.



Hold it, hold it, hold it.






I didn't see that. Did it go in?

I wasn't watching.



I wasn't watching. I saw it go up.

Did it go back in?



At the end of day three,

Happy Gilmore has the Iead.



One has to be inpressed with the vast

inprovenent in his short game.



DonaId, it's Shooter.




It's great to hear fron you!



Want to go to SizzIer

and get sone grub?



No, thanks. Not hungry.



This call is about business.

I need you here in the morning.



It's the finaI day

of the Tour Chanpionship...



...and it promises to be

a cIassic.



Happy Gilmore Ieads the pack.



Is this a changing of the guard?

We'II know in    hoIes.



Happy is really on today.



There he is.



That worn.



Happy, Look out!



Are you okay?












You have no serious injuries.

Just keep off your feet for a few days.



Forget it.

I have to finish.



Do what you Like. What do I know?

I知 just a doctor.



-Are you okay?

-I知 fine.



There is no shane

in throwing in the toweI.



You nust be carefuI

with your heaIth.



Let's just play sone golf.



I knew Happy Gilmore

was tough...



...but I can't beIieve he's playing

after being hit by a car.



Let's hope it doesn't affect

his game.



That's the first time he's falled

to outdrive McGavin.



Well, well, well. Happy Gilmore is

hunan after all.



Happy Gilmore is in trouble

if he can't hit the Long ball.



If he has a chance...



...of winning today, he nust do it

on the green.



He has to focus now.

He has to save this one for par.



That bogey drops hin

out of the Iead.



If he wants to stay in this thing...



...he has to caIn down.



Don't worry about your Grandma.

She can Live with ne--be ny naid.



Look at the cabbage

he's in now.



Things just keep getting worse

for Happy Gilmore.



Just remember what Chubbs said.



''Go to a happy place.''



''Go to a happy place.''






This Looks Like the end

for Happy Gilmore.



Shooter now has

a connanding Iead.



Happy, Look who's here.






Happy, you Look upset.

What's wrong?



I stink.

I知 not going to win.



Don't worry, sweetheart. The house

isn't important. It's just a house.



Stop fraternizing with the help,




Just hit your ball,

if you can find it.



Hi, Grandma.



Forget hin. I just want you

to be happy, darling.



ALL right, Grandma.



Grandma wants ne

to be happy.



Chin up, Happy.

Don't feeI bad about ne.



I got ny hand back, see?



We've onIy just begun



To Live



White Iace and promises



A kiss for Luck

and we're on our way



It ain't over yet, McGavin. The way

I see it, we've onIy just begun.



Happy, the Gold jacket's yours.

Shooter will choke.






Dann you people!

This is golf, not a rock concert!












Happy Gilmore has charged

in the back nine...



...and is now even

with Shooter McGavin.



If Shooter doesn't get

out of the funk he's in...



...he nay niss out

on the Gold jacket.



Ladies and gentIenen, the   th hoIe

is a par three,     yards.



In the event of a tie,

there will be a play-off.



Mr. Gilmore,

you have the honors.



No natter what,

I知 having fun.



You're starting

to sound Like a golfer.



I know. Keep it down.



Nice shot! Fifteen feet

short of the hoIe.



Shooter's ball is

in the woods.



Happy's on the   th green,

where a car driven by a crazed fan...



...ranned the TV tower.



Let ne through--

I知 Looking for ny ball.



This is golf, okay? Excuse ne.

Thank you.



Is this your ball?



Yes, it is.



It struck ny foot.






Do I get a drop?



The ruIe says,

''Play it as it Iies.''



That's two so far, Shooter.



You can count.

Good for you.



And you can count on ne waiting

for you in the parking Iot.



You're still away.



I知 aware of that.

Thank you.



I can't see.



Hey, up here.



Shooter needs this

to put pressure on Happy.



If he nisses, Happy can two-putt

to victory.



Choke on that, baby!






If Gilmore sinks this, it will cap

an amazing coneback.



Great. Now I have a tower

bIocking ny ball.



We'II get it noved and you'II finish

tomorrow. Right, Doug?



No, he has to hit it now.

''Play it as it Iies.''



I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot.

Those are the ruIes.



He's right.

Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore.



Virginia, just so you know,

ny jacket size is    Long.



And ny right arn is a bit Longer

than ny Ieft.



Hit it around the tower, sink your putt

and we'II go to sudden death.



Nah, I'II just beat hin now.



Good Luck.



Chubbs, I know

you'II help ne here.



Oh, ny God.




Happy Gilmore wins the Gold jacket.



I Love you. I Love you.



And I Love you.



Doug! It's inpossibIe!



That's ny jacket!

It's nine!



He stoIe ny jacket!



I beIieve that's Mr. Gilmore's.



I will get you, Shooter!



Stop! Stop!



Be still!







-You bet.



ALL right.



Here's to Chubbs,

wherever he is.



Hey, Happy.



Nice jacket.



Who are you waving at,




Nobody, Grandma.

Let's go hone.

Special help by SergeiK