Head Of State Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Head Of State script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Chris Rock and Bernie Mac.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Head Of State. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Head Of State Script



One, two, three....



Hold up.



Here's the story about a man



A simple man



A man with a dream

To do the world some good



Here's a story for rich and poor



For young and for old



About a man from the 'hood

Trying to do the world some good



Here's the story about a man



An everyday man



A man with a dream



To be the head of state



Alderman Gilliam's office.

What are you upset about?



It's not a black-owned business?



-But it's a Chinese food restaurant.

-So, what's with the fried rice?



I know it's fried rice, but it's not "fried" rice.



Alderman Gilliam's office.



Kim. How is it going, honey?



-Got tickets to the symphony.




-Hold on a second, I got another call.

-You better not put me on hold.



Vote for Gaines and James.



-The Million Babies Mamas March?

-It's a very good cause.



Call Reverend Barton for that one. No...



you can't use food stamps to buy tires.



I'm sorry, Mr. Hawkins.

What can I do for you?



Your girlfriend is on hold.



-Hold on a second.

-How could you put me on hold?



-What was it, Mr. Hawkins?

-The bus.



I read that they're going to shut down

our bus line.



If they do that, I can't get to work!



Unless they give me a job

in that new mall they're building.



Don't worry. I've been talking

to the people downtown...



and I promise you this:



If they shut down this bus line,

I will drive you to work myself.



You got my word.



Alderman Gilliam, quick! Miss Pearl is back!



Okay. I got to go.



Hi, that's me, Mays Gilliam, alderman

of the  th Ward of Washington, D.C.



Not the part of D.C. you're familiar with.



I work in a neighborhood so bad,

you can get shot while you're getting shot.



Around here when people have a problem,

they don't call the mayor, they call me.



Miss Pearl!



What's going on?



Dionne is in the house. I know she is.



I don't know what she's talking about.

We checked the house, nobody is in there.



Hey, man, Dionne is her cat.



Whatever. Cats got nine lives. She'll be fine.



Can we let one guy go in

and help this lady get her cat?



Can't do it. Once they laid the explosives,

there's nothing I can do.



She just showed up.



You took the lady's house.

Can you at least let her get her cat?



We didn't take it, we gave her $     .



What kind of house is she supposed to get

with $     ? A crack house?



I think she'd be happy to get out

of this rattrap.



Who are you to call this place a rattrap?



This is my neighborhood, where I'm from.

I got my first bike stolen right there.



My daddy got his bike stolen right there.



When I have a son, I hope he's fortunate

enough to get stuck up right there.



-Can't you let somebody go check?

-We already looked.



There's nothing in there. We got work to do.



Leave the people alone, damn it!



-Let's get this thing going.

-Come on.



-Stop being in such a hurry.

-We've been here all morning.



Let the lady go inside.



Come on, baby! Sugar baby.



Could you at least turn it off?

Let the lady get her cat.



Dionne, baby? I got something for you!



Miss Pearl, no!



All right, turn it off.

Wait till this woman gets her cat.



Shit, it's not working!



Turn it off!



She better get out, it's going to blow!



Miss Pearl! Come out!



No, Mays!



You've only got a minute!



-Fix it! Get to work.

-I'm trying.



Get a union man on this.



Get your ass out!



Miss Pearl, we got to get out of here.

They're going to blow this place up.



They wouldn't do that, baby!

They know we're in here.



I love you, I've known you a long time.

You've seen a lot in your life.



You've seen churches burnt to the ground,

dogs sicced on kids...



you've seen Malcolm X and JFK killed.



They shut up Muhammad Ali

and Richard Pryor.



They gave Magic Johnson AIDS,

turned Michael Jackson white.



Do you really think these people

give a damn about you?



We interrupt the Jay-Z song

to bring you this special bulletin.



Presidential candidate Senator Gaines...



and his running mate,

General Olson James...



were both killed when their planes

crashed into each other.



We now return you to the Jay-Z song

already in progress.



What's up?



Trying to be like you, hero!

What's up, man? Saving kittens?



Don't steal my car now.



I don't want that garbage.

What will I do, feed your car to my car?



Let me get ten Nine Lives,

four Lucky Ducks, two Straight Pokers...



three Crabpots and five Powerballs.



Thank you, here you go.



You all need to stop.



Why are all these people clapping?



-You didn't see me on the news?

-No, I didn't.



I got meat!



More beef than East Coast, West Coast rap.

Check it out!



Superman! Saving lives and stuff.



Why don't you cop

one of these pork chops?



Know what you need to do?

You need to leave. I won't tell you again.



Nobody wants your meat.

Who the hell wants to buy stolen meat?



-I'll take a T-bone.

-You like gizzards, too?



Did you hear about that guy

running for President?



Who will replace him?



Maybe they should get Shaq.

Nobody can beat him.



Are you getting gas?

You're holding my line up.



Yeah, I'm sorry.



$   on three.



You've got a lot of nerve hanging up on me.



Hanging up?



-What's going on?

-I'm leaving you! That's what's going on.



The only reason I accepted this engagement

ring from you in the first place...



is because I thought you had potential!



I thought you wanted more!



Why can't you just play the game?

Wear a suit!



Be a real politician!



What's my clothes have to do with....

Are you seeing somebody else?



I'm seeing everybody else!



I've met mosquitoes

with more force than you.



I'm tired of your little games,

tired of being your little secretary.



Here's the light bill. I didn't pay it.



Here's the cable bill. I didn't pay that, either.



And here's the bill for your car note.



I hope they take it!



Wait a minute, that's my car!



Wait, come back!



I hate that piece of shit!



I'm tired of spending my time

waiting for you to quit acting like a child...



and act like a grown man

for a change, Mays!



I need to get on with my life!



I want a house, I want children!



I want to go on vacation!

You're horrible in bed!



I am tired of being engaged.

I am tired of being--



I wish you would.



For the last time,

I'm not running for President.



I'm not crazy! Gaines was    points behind.

It's ten weeks to Election Day.



Damn it!



They should have known better

than to talk on a cell phone in a plane.



-What about Sanderson?

-That's a joke.



Lewis has been Vice-President

for eight years.



He's a war hero and Sharon Stone's cousin.

He can't lose.



-What about Mosley?









-Big boys.



So we concede the election to Lewis?



Nobody is talking about conceding,

Debra, but let's get real here.



We'll lose this one.



The thing to do is to set the party up

for the next election.



We need a candidate

that will put on a good show.



This isn't a circus,

it's a presidential election.



You can't just pick some guy...



to run for President.



It's unprecedented,

but if I put in a call to the party chairman...



we find a candidate, he'll back him.



Who will run a race

they know they can't win?



Who says he has to know?



What the....



What now?



No, not my bike!



When I went in there

I wasn't thinking about being a hero.



I was just trying to help Miss Pearl.



Miss Pearl.



I think we found our man.



Look at this! This is great!



This is America, see?



Little guy against the big guy,

corporations against the people.



Young versus old. What's better than this?



Give me a break!



I am going to run an alderman

for President?



He's not an alderman.



He's a hero.



-Who doesn't like a hero?

-Big business loves a hero!






You said we needed somebody

who can help the party.



Now, how in the hell

does this guy help the party?



I'm glad you asked.



The United States is changing.

America is changing.



Inside of    years, you know the numbers...



   percent black,

   percent Asian,    percent Hispanic.



The minorities will be the majority.

The smartest thing we can do...



is be the first party

to nominate a minority for President.



-How about a cripple?

-I don't think so, Charlie.



Now, we'll lose, of course,

but the minorities will be happy.



The minorities will be happy

and they will vote for us in     ...



because we've shown we support them.



And the white people will vote for us...



-because our guy isn't black.

-You got my vote!



Geller, see if you can track down

this Mays Gilliam.



Go check our accounts.



Give me one good reason

why I should go along with this.



Don't you get it, Debra?

I intend to run for President in     .



Now give me one reason why you shouldn't.



He would take a lot of work.



We can run a background check...



but it's obvious

he's not a party line candidate.



He's just some kid

who thinks he can make a difference.



Don't worry. Go out there,

put the machine behind him.



You get    points in the polls,

consider it a win.



Make sure he doesn't embarrass us.



After this is over, we get to work.



When I'm President, I'll take care of you.



Help me. They locked me out of my office.



I know. The mayor is fed up with you.



How many times have I told you?

You got to quit trying to fix shit.



I could've got you into the council

next term. Now you're red-lined.



Shannon is taking over your district.



They need to smooth over the mall

situation, that bus thing is heating up.



-They don't trust you.

-I'm not the one stealing people's houses.



That's what your problem is.

You got to work with us.



That shit you pulled over there

cost the city money.



Makes the mayor look bad.



Now, contrary to popular belief,

politics is no place to express yourself.



You want to get in, you got to fit in.



And look at you.

Grow up, you got to dress better.



Even Puff Daddy wears a suit to court.



I'm sorry, brother, but ain't nothing I can do.



-Nice car.

-Ain't it, though?



Got it for a song at a repo auction.



He feels bad, mighty low



Got nowhere to go



What can you do when you're feeling low



Man, I want to know



He feels bad, mighty low

Got nowhere to go



What can you do when you're feeling low



And your car just got repo'd



Here we are.



Mays Gilliam, Debra Lassiter.



Nice to meet you. Take a seat.



We know what happened today.

We know you lost your job.



How do you know that? It just happened.



We're the government. We know everything.



We'd like you to do something for us.



Sure, I'd love to work

on a presidential campaign.



I'll make phone calls, send out fliers.



Who have you guys chosen

to run against Lewis?



That's exactly what we wanted

to talk to you about.



We'd like you to run for President.



-Of what?

-The United States.



-Of what?

-Of America.



Which America?






America, Mays.



Get out of here!



We're not joking.



We want you to be the nominee

for the office of President...



of the United States of America.



Let me get this straight.



You guys couldn't find anybody else to run?

You couldn't find nobody?



Something is wrong here.



You couldn't find a congressman...



a senator? I'm just an alderman.



Congressmen, senators,

they work with other politicians.



You're an alderman.

You work with the people.



And that's what we want,

a man of the people.



This is a big joke, right?



They've got a hidden camera somewhere.



You all will get a big laugh out of this.

You know what? I don't care.



One of you all will drive me home

because my bike is messed up.



You an American?



-Are you an American?




This isn't just an election. It's a moment.



This is the moment when you have

the opportunity to show boys and girls...



men and women, what America is about.



Look at that.



When I see that, I think of our forefathers

fighting to make this country what it is.



When I see it I think about the guy who has

to scrub Lincoln's balls for minimum wage.



That's why we want you.

You care about the little people.



What will it be?



It gives me great honor...



to accept the party's nomination...



for President...



of the United States of America.






Welcome to your campaign headquarters.



These folks will do everything they can

to help you get elected.



These are your people.



Here. Let's take a look at this.



Mark, is that cued up? Roll it, please.



This is a great spot.



If you love America,

vote Mays Gilliam for President.



But I'm not in it.



You don't even see my face.



It's a template.

We'll get you in there eventually.



There's a couple of people

I want you to meet.



This is your security director, Mr. Earl.



-You'll be in good hands.

-Pleased to meet you, sir.



If you're in trouble, yell "Security!"

and my people will handle the situation.



This is your decoy, Mays Junior.

He enters events before you.



If anything'll happen to you,

it'll happen to him first.



Tupac could have used a guy like you.



This is Nicollette White, she's

your executive director of internal Liaisons.



Call me Nikki.

It will be a pleasure to serve you.



I'm available to you around the clock,

just let me know.



-What does she do?

-She sleeps with you.



We got tired of getting caught up

in sex scandals...



so we commissioned

our own team of super whores.



You call yourself whores!



Move that fat ass! One, two, three!



-These girls are good.

-Good morning, Mays.



I took the liberty of choosing some options

for this evening's fundraiser.



You don't mind, do you?



I'll wear whatever you need me to wear.

What fundraiser is this?



Your coming out party.

Campaigns cost money.



The people you meet tonight

have plenty of it.



Geller and I will advance the party...



and Mr. Earl will bring you at  :   sharp.



Here are your off-the-cuff remarks.

Learn them. See you later.



Remember, sir, just nod and move.

Nod and move.



What do you plan to do about taxes?



Do you plan to support

paternal leave incentives?



Get my demo to somebody. Anybody.



Don't take unscreened packages.

Security reasons.



You have some people to talk to.

Tomorrow, work.



Tonight, smile, shake hands,

and be nice to the wives.



I'll double-check the PA system.

You'll make a brief statement at   :  .



Let's go.



Hi, how are you doing? All right.

You all right.



-I wish you luck, sir.




It's like Timberland,

and I got a bit of Missy moving up there...



but I'm trying to go through

that Neptune feel--



Excuse me, the Teamsters are here.



What are you doing talking to the help?



Gentlemen, Mr. Mays Gilliam.



Guys, I'm all for labor, I'm all for unions.



But you know and I know

that you will endorse Lewis.



It's business.

We'll do what's best for the union.



-Have you decided on a running mate?

-We're thinking about it.



-You should consider Sanders.

-We're considering several options.



Excuse me.



Well, that depends.



What's up with this guy?



Track four. Check out track four.



What do you have there?



We got shrimp puffs and cheese snacks...



-just some finger foods.

-Thought that was you.



So what's up with the two jobs? Bad credit?



Why do I have to have bad credit?

Can't I be saving up for a car or for school?



Maybe I like to work? Excuse me.



I'm sorry. You know what?

I never got your name.



Hey, Lisa Clark. Mays.

Why you being so rude, Lisa Clark?



I am not being rude, I am working.



We can't mingle with the guests.

Plus, I don't know you.



-You know me.

-No, I don't know you.



But you know me.



You've come to the gas station

a couple of times...



and I see you, but I don't know you.



Let's get to know each other.



-Let's dance.

-I have to work.



I know you're working. I'm working, too.

So let's keep working. Want to dance?



Okay, you'll get me in trouble.



I cannot believe

you got me out here like this.



-Yeah, but you like it, right?

-A little.



I'm feeling it.



Go ahead, girl, work it!



Oh, my God. I'm having too much fun.

I got to get back to work.



No, come on, stay!



Come on!



Come on, brother,

I know you know how to do this dance.



No, sorry, I don't.



I know you know

how to do the Electric Slide.



No, I can't say that I do.



Get your ass in there!



-What the hell is this?

-Where's Mays?



Over there.



-Oh, my God!

-We've got to stop him.



Excuse us, please.



I am getting so hot

I am gonna take my clothes off



-What do you think you're doing?

-Stop it.



I'm just trying to get the party started.



Throw your hands in the air



And wave them like you just don't care



And if I got your vote for President



Let me hear you say, "Oh, yeah"



Shake that ass, Grandma!



Let me see you bounce!






We got a couple of freaks over there.



Let me see you shake!



Crip walk!



The roof is on fire!



No, it's a saying!



It's just a saying. Come back!



You turned the party out.

I have never seen anything like that.



Great party. Too bad about the fire.



-So, where are you off to now?

-I'm not even sure.



We start campaigning tomorrow.

We'll be all over the country.



Need a ride home?



I still have to clean up.

I don't know how long that will take me.



I could wait.



Are you sure?

I could send a car to pick you up.



No, thanks, but I got to go.



It was good seeing you again.



You too, buddy, old pal.



-Can I get a good-night kiss?




-I'm coming!

-She's coming!



I got to go. Good luck,

and call me if you get a chance.



Didn't you see me talking?



What kind of display was that?



I was getting the party started.



If the party needs to get started,

I'll handle it.



Just do what we say.



I don't think everybody appreciated

what you did in there.



We really had a great time.



It was off the hizzle for shizzle.



-They liked it.

-I don't care what they liked.



Mays, darling!



Darling, are you done yet?

No? If not, it's okay. I can wait.



But if we hurry,

we'll be able to get a table at Jezebel's.



Good evening. We're getting married.



I'm exhausted.



Know what I can't decide?



I can't decide whether we should have

a DJ or a band.






Thank you for inviting me

to the land of milk and honey.



It's you people, the dairy people...



people that make eggs, milk, cheese...



butter, bacon, that make the country great.



Milk makes the body good,

and you make the country good.



Thank you for inviting me

to Memphis, Tennessee.



It's people like you, the church people...



who are the backbone

and the spirit of this great land of ours.



I love the Lord,

and I love the King, Elvis Presley.



I want to thank you for inviting me

to the Lone Star State.



Home of the cowboys!



How about them Cowboys?



It's people like you, the ranchers...



who are the backbone of this country.



Now, before I go,

I got one more thing to say:



The stars at night are big and bright



Deep in the heart of Texas



It's not bad.



Will I get another speech anytime soon?



What's the matter with this speech?



I should be talking about something

a little more relevant.






People would be cheering

if I read the recipe for corn bread.



It's not working.

I'm only one point up in the polls.



Don't worry about the polls.

They're just a sampling. Polls change.



Don't get ahead of yourself.



We're here to help.

The people really like you.



Cheer up, we'll be in Chicago in a few days.

You got a brother there.



Then the people will find out

what you're all about.



Yeah, but I don't even know

what I'm all about.



In the latest polls, Mays Gilliam is up

just one point, to    percent.



Vice President Brian Lewis

still holds a commanding    percent.



Six percent are undecided, saying...



they don't know who they're voting for,

they just know it's not Gilliam.



When you get out there, listen to the crowd.



Talk to them, make it look like

you believe in what you're saying.



I know we haven't exactly

always seen eye to eye...



but this is very important.



-I can't stress that enough.

-Alderman Gilliam?



There's a Mitch Gilliam outside.

He says he's your brother.



Send him in.



Tonight, America will get

its first impressions of Mays Gilliam.



You know what they say

about first impressions.



Look at my little brother!

You said you'd call when you got here.



I was trying to call you,

but I've been doing press all day.



My little brother, running for President.



Let me introduce you to Martin Geller,

Debra Lassiter.



What's happening, baby? Thanks for what

you're doing for my brother. Appreciate it.



How about you, thriller? What's going--



Nice to meet you.

What do you do for a living?



I'm a bail bondsman.

I got an office on the Southside.



-Bail bondsman.

-Yes, sir.



How's business?



I tell you how business is.

Business is great.



Thank God for crime.



Thank God for crime.

Could you give us a minute?






Nice. Real nice.



Look at you, man!

I see you all on the shows, politicking.



You like the way your campaign is going?



Look at this.



Let me ask you something, brother.

When they gonna let you speak?



I've been talking all day.

I was talking to the press.



You been talking, but when they gonna

let you speak your mind?



This ain't you. You gonna say this shit?

This shit is booty.



Say this if you want to, watch that man

come sweep your butt off stage.



Look at this poster: "Mays."

Who are they talking about? Willie?



Let me tell you something.



They're the everyday common folk,

working people. Laborers.



Construction workers, nurses.



Play the game

when you're working for them.



This is your campaign.

You're supposed to be in charge.



It's time.



I got to go.



I love you, man,

and I'm with you no matter what.



-Go get them.

-I'll see you out there.






Chicago, please welcome

your next president:



Alderman Mays Gilliam.



What the hell is he doing?



They had a speech written for me...



about what the people need.



But you guys are the people.



You know what you need.



Better schools...



better jobs...



Less crime.



How many of you, right now...



work two jobs

just to have enough money to be broke?



That ain't right.



If you work two jobs,

and at the end of the week...



you got just enough money

to get your broke ass home...



Let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"



That ain't right!



How many of you have children

that they call stupid?



Don't be ashamed! It ain't your fault.



I asked my niece the other day,

"What's four plus four?" She said, "  ."



But that ain't her fault!

That's the school's fault.



If your child's school has old-ass books...



and brand-new metal detectors,

let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"



That ain't right!



It ain't right.



And now we got these corporations

stealing all the money.



They ain't stealing their money,

they stealing our money!



The pension.



You work for    years.



You thought you'd leave your kids

a will, now you'll leave them a won't!



You show up to get your pension,

they give you a pen!



A damn pen! What in the hell

am I supposed to do with a pen?



I should stab you in the neck

with this pen, Mr. Pension Taker.



Get your hand out of my pocket!



Taking everybody's pension,

and nobody going to jail.



That's some bullshit. Ain't it?



Meanwhile, we steal a Big Mac with cheese...



next thing you know, we on Death Row!



That ain't right!



How many of you work in a city

you can't afford to live in?



That ain't right!



How many of you work in a mall

you can't afford to shop in?



That ain't right!



How many of you clean up a hotel...



you ain't never gonna be able to stay in?



That ain't right!



We got nurses that work in hospitals

they can't even afford to get sick in.



It ain't right!



It isn't right!



That shit is wrong!



It's dead wrong!



I'm Mays Gilliam...



and I'm running for President

of the United States of America.



No questions. Sorry.



Where's Mitch?



Go to work. Handle your business.

If you need me, call me.



I'll call you.



Are you insane? You can't just go out

in front of      people and talk!



And you said "shit."

Presidential candidates do not say "shit."



Show me a man that's never said shit,

I'll show you someone full of shit!



Debra, hold on.



What you just did, that was great.



Maybe you're right.

We could tailor the speeches more to you.



My speeches?



Come on, did you hear them?



If this is gonna work, it's got to fit me.

It's got to be my campaign.



This is not your campaign.



You do what I tell you to,

or you'll be back in D.C. on your bicycle.



I'm the one running for President.



If we're gonna run this campaign,

it's got to go my way.



We're gonna do it the way I want it done.



Hold on.

I don't know if that's such a good idea.



If you don't know, you better ask somebody.



After a slow start, Mays Gilliam

has made some dramatic changes...



in his presidential campaign.



Hi. I'm Mays Gilliam,

candidate for President of the United States.



This is my new headquarters.



The individuals you see before you

will help me guide my campaign.



These are my people.



Mays Gilliam is turning the establishment

on its ear...



with his new controversial campaign ads.



If you love America,

vote Mays Gilliam for President.



Paid for by Citizens for Mays Gilliam.



The part of Mays Gilliam's

security director...



will now be played

by Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad.



Childcare is one of the most important

issues facing this country today.



The working mother

has to take her child to a nanny.



The nanny has to take her child

to a babysitter.



The babysitter

has to take her child to daycare.



On the count of three, I want everybody

to take care of their own damn kids!



Whose baby is this? It ain't mine!



Gay people want what every American

wants. A good house, a good job!



I believe in gay rights

because when I see gay people...



all I'm seeing are people,

normal people like every other American.



Thank you for inviting me

to the Player's Ball!



America needs to change its ways.



I promise if I'm your President,

I will take care of everybody:



Big business and small business,

show business and ho business.



Hello, Debra.






I am in Detroit at a Player's Ball

with pimps and whores.



Excuse me, hoes!



I can't do this. You got to get me

out of here. I can't control him.



He won't listen to me!



No, Debra.

I need you out there, and this is going great.



This is what we wanted.



I love this guy. "That ain't right."



He really thinks he can make a difference.



Stop worrying. This will work out fine. Bye.



Don't I know you?






He feels good

Things are going his way



He just might be

The President someday



Mays, darling, I've been thinking.

I want a small wedding.



I think I want     maybe     people.



I've always said

I wanted a wedding in a church...



but lately I've been thinking about

the Botanical Gardens.



We could do it by the tulips.

It'll be beautiful--






Who the hell is Mays Gilliam?



He's running against you, sir.



What happened to Gaines?



He died in a plane crash.



Get out of here! Gaines is dead?



-Don't you remember? It was on the news!

-Not my news.



This fellow, Gilliam,

is an alderman from D.C.



He took Gaines' place, sir.



I'm running against this guy.



Yes, sir.



That is some bullshit.



This is my time.



I've been Vice President for eight years.



I am a war hero,

and I am Sharon Stone's cousin!



And I'll be damned if I'm going to let

my election be ruined by this asshole!



I want this guy done. You hear me?

Finish him!



He will be destroyed, sir, as you wish.



This is the White House

without Mays Gilliam. Peaceful, isn't it?



Now, this is the White House

if Gilliam is elected.



Let's keep Mays Gilliam

out of the White House.



Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.



How do you want to handle this?



I don't want to go negative.



Nobody wants to hear that.



I want people to vote for me,

not against Lewis.



-People don't know what they want to hear.

-We have to respond.



We should go with something measured,

accurate. Let's call him on his record!



You can't challenge his record

when Mays doesn't have one.



How about a massage?



Ladies and gentlemen...



please welcome

presidential candidate Mays Gilliam.



Thank you!



This is Conservative Talk    .

You're listening to Big Dave.



Negative ads. Lewis is up, Gilliam is down.

I think it's great!



Bottom line:



I don't think I want Gilliam

and his homies to be in the White House.



People are saying these ads

are dirty politics. Give me a small break!



We're not talking about running

a rib shack but a country!



He's running for President

and every vote counts!



Ladies and gentlemen, Mays Gilliam!



And if these ads are so bad,

why hasn't Gilliam said anything?



Howard Stern rocks!



You're on with Big Dave.



The reason Gilliam hasn't responded

is because he has too much integrity.



We just got endorsements

from Raekwon the Chef...



and Ghostface Killah.



-Is this good?

-It's great.



Where are we on this running mate thing?



I've been making calls.

Nobody wants to run with you.



Who did you call?






Did you call Hammer?



No, I did not call Hammer.



Then you didn't call everybody.



Mr. Gilliam, can I have your autograph?



I'll be right back.



-Should we call Hammer?




Say cheese!



Mays Gilliam did not attend

this year's annual rally against cancer.



Is Mays Gilliam for cancer

or against cancer?



Mays Gilliam, he's for cancer.



Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.



Cancer lover!



No, he does not get away with this crap!



This is what we'll do.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny?



Bugs would always shoot Elmer Fudd

in the face and drop an anvil on his head.



But what made Elmer really mad

is when Bugs Bunny kissed him.



We got to kiss this bitch.



-How do you propose we do that?

-Watch this.



I'm a Klansman. I hate niggers, Jews,

and fags, but I love Brian Lewis.



Yo, what's up? I'm Osama Bin Laden.



I hate America, but I love Brian Lewis.



Paid for by Osama Bin Laden.



Sharon Stone is a defector.



That's what Lewis campaign insiders

are saying about the Hollywood star...



and cousin of Vice President Lewis,

after Stone's endorsement of Mays Gilliam.



I don't believe it!






I know!



Did you hear....



What are you doing here?



Gilliam is over    points.



That means even if he loses

he's the frontrunner in     .



In case you've forgotten,

I intend to run for President in     ...



and I am not running against him.



So this is over.

Either you put a stop to it or I will.



I came on board to run a campaign

for a man we didn't expect to win...



not to sabotage him so he'd lose.



You're in this as thick as I am.

Of course he's supposed to lose!



That's why we picked him.



Are you with me or are you with him?



I thought you wanted

what was best for the party.



I'm what's best for the party!



What's the matter?



Democracy doesn't work for you

when you're not winning?



I'm with him.



I'm with him?



-Who are these people again?

-The Urban Business Board.



-What are your plans for Social Security?

-Give it to old people.



-Your plans on global warming?

-Global ice tea.



-You the man!

-You the woman!



I want to introduce you

to Chester Norris Allen.



He owns a bottling plant in D.C.

and I spoke to him about our problem.



We've got a nice check for you.



We can't take it. You sell malt liquor to kids.



I do no such thing.



Come on, man. It's orange beer

with a nipple top. Now, who's that for?



It's Crib Malt Liquor, man!



He's unbelievable!



Damn it, we need that money!

Why do you make everything so difficult?



It's Crib Malt Liquor!



"Crib Malt Liquor,

just like Mama used to make"?



Whose mama? Not my mama!



The situation is getting tense with the threat

of the bus line being shut down.



Protestors took their concerns

to transit officials...



but talks broke down when the newly

appointed alderman, Reginald Shannon...



was punched in the face

by an angry protestor.



-Good evening, sir.

-What's up, Nikki?



I noticed you weren't at the party,

so I thought...



if there is anything you would like

for me to do, I would be happy to.



Could I ask you something?






You seem like a nice girl.



How did you get into this line of work?



I went to the University of Nebraska...



where I majored

in Theater and Communications.



I did some extra work,

and a few things that went straight to video.






Can I ask you a question?



Yeah, sure.



Since I've been here, you haven't really

given me any assignments.



I was wondering if you find me attractive.



I think you're....



I think you're very attractive. It's just that...



I like to get to know people

before I get involved.



I don't mean to be out of line, sir...



but are you?



Am I what?



Trying to get to know somebody.



-It is late, I'm out of here.

-You need to take a cab.



I'll be fine. I'm just gonna walk.



Take a cab!



I'll be fine. I'll walk.



Need a ride?



Where are we going?



I just thought I'd give you a little tour.



If you look over there,

it's the Lincoln Memorial.



Lincoln freed the slaves...



but before he did it, he said,

"First you niggers got to build me a statue."



Right there is the Jefferson Memorial.



Jefferson had a black mistress.



He said, "All men are created equal,

but black women got the nicest ass!"



That's the Treasury.



If you look real hard in the window,

you can see Oprah counting her money.



$   trillion one, $   trillion two....



Hi, Oprah!



What's it like...



traveling all over the country

and meeting all those people?



I like it. I like traveling,

I like meeting the people.



But sometimes, you don't know

if people like you for you.



-Know what I mean?

-I like you for you.



And I think you're okay.



-Just okay?

-I'm just playing.



I forgot how nice D.C. was.



I'm always working.

I never get a chance to check it out.



Maybe you need to take advantage

of what's in front of you.



You never know, you may look up someday,

and it might not be there.






Put your hands up in the air

and step away from Mr. Gilliam!



It's okay!



-What the hell are you doing?

-What the hell are you doing?



You can't go dashing off

in the middle of the night with some girl.



Something's happened.

We got to pack and get out of here!



Somebody make sure she gets home safely.



We have a plane waiting for us.



In Florida today, guns and explosives

were found at a junior high school.



No one was injured in the incident,

but with just six weeks till Election Day...



this could be a hot-button issue

for both parties.



Now, back to the Jay-Z song

already in progress.



Muhammad, get me a gun

in case another kid tries to get crazy.



This could work in our favor.

Florida is a big Second Amendment state.



This is serious. This is not the Player's Ball.



You can cut into Lewis' numbers.

Talk about the kids, not about the guns.



If I get shot, everybody is fired.



One question here.



There's been an outcry that something

needs to be done about school violence.



What do you plan to do about this?



I feel we need to talk to our kids....



Excuse me.



Hello, children.



Good morning.



Pay attention.

This is going to be a class: Bullshit    .



Ladies and gentlemen,

our American children are hurting today...



and we need to reach out to them...



and give them all

a good old-fashioned American hug.



America is the greatest country

on the face of the earth...



and I want to say:



God bless America!



And no place else.



Thank you. Thank you, children.



No more bombs now. And don't use guns.



-That went well.

-Very touching.



-The kids liked me.

-You were very genuine.



They responded.



I tried to hug a girl and a boy

so I wouldn't seem sexist.



Mr. Vice President!



Welcome to the show, Alderman Gilliam.



Surprised you're not somewhere

with your girlfriend.



How do you know about her?



I'm the government. I know everything.



We really should debate.



Let's get something straight.



I don't know you, and I don't like you.



Party's over. I'm fixing to whip your ass.



You got it?



Sir, we really should debate.



God bless America, and no place else.



Sir, we just got this off the uplink.



What is it?



An off-the-record comment by Mays Gilliam.




-Yes, sir.



Good work.



It's on! Guys, come here!



...Lewis was on the scene

comforting parents and students.



The press is in Lewis' back pocket.



In this CNB News exclusive,

our cameras caught Gilliam...



making what was arguably

the most controversial statement of the day.



They act like us.

We're bombing countries all the time.



If I was    I'd have a gun, too.



Tell me you didn't say that.



I didn't know the camera was on me.

I was playing around with some sound guy.



You didn't know the camera was on you?



Of course it's on you. It's always on you!

You're running for President!



I told you....



This is all your fault!



Gilliam is under investigation by the FBI...



for his involvement with this man...



friend and associate

and accused drug lord, Warren Pryor.



-Lord, we're going to jail.

-We're not going to jail.



Is it true?



What's up, Warren?



I know him, but I don't drug-lord know him.



It's just a guy I say "What's up?" to.

But I don't know him know him.



Do you have drugs on you?

Get them off, I'm not going to jail for you.



Are you on the pipe?



This is messed up

This really sucks



Every time you're doing good

trouble just pops up



He doesn't know what he's gonna do



This is messed up

This really sucks



Keep your head up, it's your best bet



Let's hope the election's not through



If you see Mays Gilliam,

please do not call the authorities.



Just do whatever you can

to make his life a living hell.



No more questions!



If I see Mays Gilliam,

I'll bust a cap in his ass.



Gilliam is done

and Big Dave says, "Waa-waa!"



Oh, God.



What am I going to do?



What are you worried about?

Your face isn't on the side of a bus.



I'll be the one taking a hit for this.



Get me on the news so I can apologize.

That's what the people want to hear.



You're probably right.



Make a statement of some kind,

try and sound sincere--



Just give me a break!



You think you can say you're sorry

and all of this will go away?



Mays, you're running for President

of the United States of America.



Do you have any idea why they chose you?



-We picked you because--

-Shut up!



You're here to lose.



Arnot picked you so you could lose.



Think about it.



If they had any idea

they could win this thing...



do you think they would have chosen

an ignorant-ass nigger like you?



Wait up.



You're not calling me an ignorant nigger...



and thinking you're staying on my bus.



I am not getting off this bus.

We're in the middle of nowhere--



Now you need a ride

from an ignorant nigger.



I am not getting off this bus!









Damn you, Mays Gilliam!



You knew about this all along?



Is there trouble

inside the Gilliam campaign?



That's what Washington insiders

want to know after Gilliam's chief advisor...



Debra Lassiter, left the campaign trail.



Down in the polls,

Gilliam still has no running mate.



Sources say

the Teamsters may endorse Lewis.



Did Gilliam kill JonBenet Ramsay?

Police want to know.



The big question: Where is Mays Gilliam?



I'll tell you where he's at.

He's with his peeps!




-You up?



I was hoping you'd call. Are you okay?



I don't know. I guess I'm all right.



Come on, talk to Mama.



I don't know.

It seems like they're trying to get me.



Everywhere I turn,

they're trying to put a foot in my ass.



After what you said,

you need a foot put up in your ass.



What did you expect?

They would just make you President?



They take a poll for everything I do.



You ever been to a horserace?

My dad used to take me when I was little.



The horses wear blinders.



They don't even see each other.

They just run their race.



So don't worry about Lewis,

don't worry about the press...



just run your race.



Let me ask you something.






What are you wearing?



Now, you know you need to stop.



Man, news travels fast.



Not    minutes after you fired me,

I had two offers for jobs.



Good offers.



What are you doing here?



I know you got no reason to trust me,

but I'm asking you to.



You've got five weeks left.



I know Lassiter is out, but I think...



I can help you do this.



I want to help you.



And I'm sorry, Mays.



I don't know what else to say...



but as bad as things look,

I don't think you should quit.



Who said I was quitting?



I wish I could quit.



I wish it was that easy.



You're lucky.



You are so lucky.

You don't know how good you got it.



You just represent yourself.






I represent my whole race.



If I quit...



there won't be another black candidate

for    years.



All right.



We can get rid of the school thing

with a statement that will blow things over.



But we need a running mate.



Who am I supposed to pick?

Nobody wants to run with me.



We need somebody we can trust.



Who do you trust?



In the midst of his own Cinderella story...



presidential candidate

Gilliam is shaking it up.



He's chosen his brother, Mitch Gilliam...



a bail bondsman from Chicago,

as his running mate.



Political analysts say this may be

too little, too late.



Hi, I'm with the Pork Commission--



I'm from the Athlete's Foot--






Can you get my demo tape to somebody--



Are these your bags?



Look at my shoes and at the bags.

Shut up and follow me.



Back up.



What do you have to say about

your brother's controversial comments?



My gosh, lady,

my brother said he was sorry. Let it go.



See, that's why nobody like your ass.



We got work to do.

We way behind in the polls.



-Am I getting paid for this?




You're running for the vice presidency.

You're a bail bondsman.



You have no Washington experience,

no political experience or connections.



How does being a bail bondsman

qualify you to be Vice President?



I am a bail bondsman.



People come to me when they in trouble,

like the USA.



We bail people out. We bail out Mexico...



the savings and loan, the airline industry.



Now you ask me, sir,

what qualify me to run for Vice President.



When the country is in trouble,

I'll bail them out.



Hold that thought.

We have a caller from Detroit.



Mitch! Why you looking around?

It's Reggie.... Where my money at?



Don't call me with that bullshit!

You see I'm on TV.



What about NATO?



I never met Nato.

I don't talk about people behind their back.



NATO is the North Atlantic

Treaty Organization.



I thought you were talking about

this guy named Nato.



But you have to know these things.



Do you know Nato Jacobs?



Do you know Nato Jacobs?



I'm sorry, I haven't met the gentleman.



That's what I said.



You know nothing about Nato?

I know nothing about NATO.



Why are you out here

since inmates don't have the right to vote?



It's not about the vote.

We're looking out for the convicts.



We want to make sure

when they get out that they stay out.



The better the education,

they become more productive citizens.



Mitch! What's up?



Shorty G!



It's good to see you, boy!



This is Shorty G. I arrested his ass.

I thought you got the chair, boy.



Mr. Gilliam, how would you deal

with white-collar crime?



There's no such thing as white-collar crime.



And there's no such thing

as black-on-black crime.



Crime is crime.



I don't care if you have a white collar

or a tank top.



If you rob me, I'll whoop your ass.



I'm Janet Silvers reporting live in D.C.,

where transit operators....



-I wish we'd get into the White House.

-To have a cookout?



They were just talking about your ward.



What's going on down there?



They want to cut bus service

until they finish construction. I should go.



-So you can blow up the bus line?

-One thing at a time.



The Teamsters haven't endorsed Lewis yet.

Our numbers are going up.



If we want a real shot at this thing,

we got to get Lewis to debate.



He knows that. That's why he won't.



He's avoiding me

like he owes me child support.



He is scared. He's holding the ball,

hoping the clock will run out.



That's a punk move.

Ducking and hiding like a little bitch!



That may be, but he won't debate you

because you call him a little bitch.



What this community needs--



Is for you to debate me right now!



Tell the people that!



I thought I told you that we won't stop.



Now, my agenda--



I'll tell you about our agenda.



It's to have a debate right now!



Get rid of this zero and talk to the hero.



You got time to jog, but not to debate?



You can run, but you can't hide.



I thought I told you we won't stop.



What you looking for, the news?

The news is we want to debate!



-Why did you change the channel?

-He's scared!



-A word from our sponsor.

-We want to debate!



I thought I told you that we won't stop.



Yo, Lewis!



Your mother's ass is so big,

when she sits down she's three feet taller.



Yo, Lewis!

Your mother's got a really big ass!



Sir, it's time we prepare for a debate.



Give me one good reason

I should debate that jerk.



-He talked about your mother!

-So what?



Are you going to just let him

talk about me like that?



After some inventive chiding

on the part of Alderman Mays Gilliam...



Vice President Lewis

has finally agreed to one debate...



the night before the election.



So, baby brother, this is it. You ready?



All right, I guess.



You guess? You don't know?

You either ready or you ain't.



What's your problem? I'm ready, okay?



No, you ain't. Look at you.

If you call this ready, this won't get it.



Dress for the job you want,

not for the job you got.



You ain't talking about my clothes.



Come on now. This ain't about me.



If I got a good idea, it shouldn't matter

what the hell I'm wearing!



You know you messed up, man.



I'm telling you right now.



You know, this ain't about me!



Lewis ain't no punk. He ain't no joke.



That man has been Vice President

for eight years.



He's a war hero.

He's Sharon Stone's cousin.



You better come correct.



Yeah? Well, I got us this far!



This is as far as you're going to get!



-It's like that?

-That's the way it is.



Geller and them up there

pumping your head up.



But Lewis will smack it back down!



Oh, my God.



Little brother, you all right?



That's what your ass get.



You need anything?

Because it look like you need some help.



You gonna get yours! I'll tell Ma!



You better not tell!






Don't intrude in my life anymore. I don't

want to have anything to do with you...



not after the way you treated me.



I'm sorry I threw you off the bus.

It was wrong.



I couldn't take what you were saying.



What do you want?



I want to win.



Welcome to New York City

for the      Presidential Debates.



Where is he?



He was right behind me.

Should I look for him?



-They're getting nervous.

-We've got to do something.



-I can do something.




Ladies and gentlemen,

Vice President Brian Lewis.



Wait. Here they come.






Hello, Martin.



Sorry I'm late. I had to change.



-Mr. Earl, nice to see you.

-Nice to see you too, sir.



Let's move.



There are     million people out there

deciding who to vote for.



They all know Lewis

didn't want to debate you. Show them why.



-Stay focused.

-Take your time.



If he get out of pocket,

put your foot in his ass.



By the way, nice suit.







Even I knew that.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Alderman Mays Gilliam.



Yo, when's Martin coming on, man?



My momma told me to whoop your ass.



The first question is directed

by coin flip to the Vice President.



Vice President Lewis...



what steps should be taken

to limit our youth's access...



to violent materials?



Our American children's futures

are at stake here.



We need to study this issue,

and appropriate legislation...



that will return us to an America

we can be proud of.



God bless America, and no place else.



Alderman Gilliam, same question, please.



How do we limit violent material? Turn it off.



And if the kids cut it back on,

knock them out.



That's why I don't smoke.



When I was a kid,

my daddy caught me smoking...



and he knocked me out!



And to this day, I don't smoke.

Not because I'm scared of cancer.



I don't smoke because I think my dad

is going to walk through that door...



and knock me the hell out!



Knock out your kids. It helps.



Vice President Lewis...



with over       gun deaths per year

in the United States...



do you believe we need

stricter gun control laws?



I don't think we need more gun control.



I say we enforce the laws

that are already on the books.



The problem is, nobody reads the books.



We need to start putting laws on videos...



because everybody watches videos,




We need to put some laws

on the Nelly video.



If you had laws on a Destiny's Child video

right now, you could stop crime.



-We already have gun licensing.

-But that's only to carry the gun.



Let the people decide.



The people can't decide. The people

are too busy getting shot in the ass.



That's my brother.



That's another reason he's not qualified.



Because I had the good sense to pick

my big brother to be my running mate?



I didn't come here to argue with you.



Yes, you did. We're having a debate.

A debate ain't nothing but an argument.



A debate isn't an argument.



-Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't.



-Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't.



I know you are, but what am l?



Can we just move on? This is ridiculous.



Our next question comes from--



I have a question.



Would you like our reception

to be buffet style or formal seating?



If you put Robert next to Nelson...



he'll be very angry

because he wanted to be your best man.






I love you so much--



The candidates have agreed upon

a short closing speech.



Vice President Lewis won the coin toss.



He has elected to go first.



Thank you.



-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is!



Tonight you have seen two different men...



with two very different points of view,

battle to win your vote.



And this is what America is all about.



As we've seen tonight...



Alderman Gilliam

can be captivating and entertaining.



But America needs more than that

from its Commander in Chief.



To lead America, it takes experience.



Now, I've been Vice President

for the last eight years.



I'm a war hero,

and I'm Sharon Stone's cousin.



And to me,

America is like a fine performance car.



And now is not the time...



to turn this fine vehicle we call America...



over to the hands of an amateur.



I'm Brian Lewis, and I am your last chance.



God bless America, and no place else.



Yeah, it's over now.



Why do you have to be so negative?



Give me five.



Thank you.



Hold it!



You're right, Vice President Lewis.

I am an amateur.



When it comes to creating

so many enemies...



that we need billions of dollars

to protect ourselves, I'm an amateur.



When it comes to paying farmers

not to grow food...



while people in this country

starve every day, I'm an amateur.



When it comes to creating a drug policy

that makes crack and heroin...



cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine,

I'm an amateur.



But there's nothing wrong

with being an amateur.



The people that started

the Underground Railroad were amateurs.



Martin Luther King was an amateur.



Have you ever been to Amateur Night

at the Apollo?



Some of the world's best talent was there:



James Brown, Luther Vandross, Rockwell,

the Crown Heights Affair.



-Hall and Oates!

-The Fat Boys, Rob Base.



But you wouldn't know

nothing about that. Why?



Because when it comes to judging

talent and potential...



you, my friend, are an amateur!



-I believe the Alderman is over his time.

-You had eight years to talk.



Now it's my turn. I'm getting mine!



Ladies and gentlemen,

hold your applause, please.



How can you help the poor

if you never been poor?



How can you stop crime

if you don't know no criminals?



How can you make drug policy

if you never smoked a chronic?



How can you do that? Just a nickel bag!



I'm a real American.



I've been high, I've been robbed,

I've been broke.



My credit is horrible!

They won't even take my cash!



You're always talking about,

"God bless America, and no place else."



But isn't it obvious

that God has blessed America?



America is the richest,

most powerful nation on earth.



If America was a woman,

it would be a big-titty woman.



And everybody loves a big-titty woman!



So, in closing...



I'd like to say you are full of shit.



"God bless America, and no place else."



How about "God bless Haiti"

or "God bless Africa"?



How about "God bless Jamaica"?



I'm not talking about Jamaica,

the beach tribes you all love.



I'm talking about stabbing Jamaica.

That's what I'm talking about.



So, tonight I want to say:

"God bless America, and everybody else!"



The whole world! God bless you!



I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running for

President of the United States of America.



Ya heard?



Now we can watch Martin!




-Good morning, Mr. President.



-What time is it?

-I think it's a little after  :  .



-Lisa, I need some help in here!

-Will you wait a damn minute?



I was so proud of you.

You were so good last night.



Tonight, no matter what, win or lose,

I want to see you.



I don't know. I might have to work.



But if I don't see you tonight,

I will see you soon.



Just run your race, get out there,

and do what you got to do, okay?



-I'll talk to you later. Bye.

-All right.



It's Election Day, Tuesday,

November       .



The stage is set for what will be...



one of the most dramatic campaign finales

of all time.



The question everyone's asking is:

"Who will America vote for?"



I voted for Mays Gilliam.



-I voted for big business.

-I voted for Lewis.



Who the fuck you think I'm voting for?



There seems to be an agreement...



between Washington, D.C., officials

and transit authority operators...



regarding the shutdown

of the  th Ward bus line.



I don't see how they could do this to us.



People got to make money and get to work.



-Show them how you do it.

-The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire



You're not gonna believe this.

We got the Teamsters!



-That's great, little brother!

-They'll announce it at a press conference.



You just have to go,

shake hands, take photographs...



but it is yours.



What's the matter?



If they shut down this bus service,

I will drive you to work myself.



-I can't do it.

-But it's Election Day!



You have to get the endorsement.

You said you want to win.



You can't snub the Teamsters.

You want them to endorse Lewis?



I'm not worried about Lewis.

I'm running my race.



Go ahead, baby brother. I got this.



-You're just gonna let him go?

-He's a grown man.



They shut down the whole bus line.

What can he do about that?



In the latest exit poll, Vice President Lewis

has    percent of the vote.



Bring him back. He got to vote.



...while Mays Gilliam

is posting an impressive    percent.



You gotta get to the back of the bus.



I'm just playing. Come on.



Now, he and Vice President Lewis

are in a statistical dead heat.



Come on, hoes!



While Lewis and Mitch Gilliam

have been working the campaign trail...



Mays Gilliam has been out

driving people to work.



Damn it! Why didn't somebody around here

think of this?



Why am I not out there driving a damn bus?



Get me an SUV, a minivan, a bus,

a scooter...



a motorcycle, or a rickshaw.



Get me some wheels, bitch!



Are you going uptown?



Come on. Wait a minute!



We could write our own vows!



I love you, Mays!



With the polls about    minutes

from closing on the East Coast...



Mays Gilliam is actually ahead

by several points.



There is no question that Lewis has Texas.



It seems clear

Gilliam is going to take New York.



New York!



It's likely Lewis will take Michigan.



It looks like Gilliam

might just pull an upset in Illinois.






Go, Mays!



This looks like

it may come down to California.



This looks like

it may come down to California.



This looks like

it may come down to California.



I need to know. How real is this?

Can we win without California?



We stand a chance if you call

your connections to the energy companies--



No, you can't win without California.



What are you doing here?



Shut up. You want to win,

you'll do what I tell you.



Gilliam has

over    percent minority turnout.



Whites are the majority,

but they're not voting. They don't like you.



-I like you, sir.

-Shut up.



How can we turn this around?



There's about one and a half hours left

at the West Coast polls.



If there's a leak saying Gilliam

is going to win, you'll get a late rush.



You get California, you get the election.



It will make the  :   news if we do it now.

We just have to put it out there.



-Can we do this?

-We're the government. We can do anything.



The race for President

now turns to the West Coast.



People, Armageddon is upon us

and Big Dave is scared.



If these voting trends sustain,

it's likely that for the first time in history...



a black man will become

President of the United States of America.



"I have a dream that one day...



"this nation will rise up...



"and live out the true meaning of its creed:



"'We hold these truths to be self-evident:



"'that all men are created equal. "'






I, Richard Nixon, do solemnly swear....



I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear....



The race for President is over.



The election is now over.



-The race for President....

-...is over.



The race for President is over.



For the first time in history,

a black man, Mays Gilliam...



will be the next President

of the United States of America.



Come here, brother.



-I love you, man!

-I love you, too.



I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.



Thank you.



We won! Aren't you happy?



-Can I have a massage?




I won!



There is no way in the world

I could have ever done this without you.



You're damn right.



We won! We did it! Yes!



Look at my little brother!



-Boy, I'm proud of you! Mr. President!

-Mr. Vice President.



You're the man! You ain't got to worry about

no assassinations or nothing.



They sure don't want me

to be the next President.



You can raise taxes, start a war....



Mays Gilliam began this race....



That's my man!



Excuse me, please.



-I've been looking for you.

-I was looking for you.



-This is amazing!

-It's amazing.



It's incredible.



-What you were up against.

-The odds!



I can't wait to start working,

and do I have a job for you!



I don't know what to say. What department

do you want me to work in? Finance?



No, that's not good enough for you.



-Foreign Affairs?

-No, not Foreign Affairs.



I thought you could do

something real good in Security!



You suck!



We'd like you to run for President.



Sometimes, you don't know

if people like you for you.



I like you for you.



Thanks a lot.



Get your hand off my ass, boy!






Oh, my God, you are everywhere.

Look at you!



What's the first thing

you're going to do, Mr. President?



The first thing I'll do

is make you my First Lady.



-Don't you play with me like that.

-I'm not playing.



You can't do that!



I'm the government. I can do anything.



Get ready for...



the      Presidential Inaugural Ball.



Ladies and gentlemen, the President

of the United States of America...



Mays Gilliam, and his future First Wifey...



Lisa Clark!



Look at him now, man

Ain't this great



Biggest man in town

He's the head of state



They come from all around

just for one handshake



Look at him now

He's the head of state



That's me, Mays Gilliam...



President of the United States of America.



North America.



-Who did you vote for?

-For what?



-For President.

-Of what?



-Of the United States.

-Of what?



-Of America.

-What America?



North America.



Slick, I don't vote.

You gonna buy some of this meat, or what?



You can't trust nobody.

Everybody's trying to rob you. Nobody!



That guy right there! Don't trust him!



Can't trust no-damn-body!



America is taking advantage of you!



You can go to war when you're   

but you can't have a drink till you're   !



-That ain't right!

-Right! So, let me get this straight.



You're    years old. You go to war.



You come back. Your leg is chopped off!



You got a damn nub!



Everywhere you go they say,

"What's up, nubby?"



You get to the bar and say,

"Bartender, can I have a drink?"



He looks you up and down and says,

"l got to see some ID."



ID? You mean to tell me

a one-legged teenager can't have a drink?



-That ain't right!

-Where is the nub?



Prescription drugs, I'll lower the prices.

Let me explain something else to you.



You can survive a stroke...



but the high prices of medicine

will give you a heart attack.



America is the richest,

most powerful nation on earth.



If America was a car, it would be a Bentley...



sitting on chrome doves,

with TVs in the headrests...



and a fine, naked Puerto Rican girl

feeding you grapes!



Ain't nothing better than that!

Ain't nothing ever been better than that!



Most opponents are saying your brother

destroyed any chance of winning...



by naming you as his running mate. Why?



-Why'd your brother make you anchorman?

-I don't have--



You said it was your brother.

I did my homework as well, okay?



You got your job same way I got mine.



-I'm not running for public office.

-I'm not running for anchorman.


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