Hello Dolly! Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Hello Dolly! script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Barbara Streisand, Walter Matthau, Michael Crawford, etc. based on the musical play. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Hello Dolly!. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Hello Dolly! Script



Call on Dolly



If your neighbour needs a new romance



Just name the kind of man your sister

wants, and she'll snatch him up



Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts

and she'll match 'em up



Call on



"Mrs Dolly Levi."



She's the one the spinsters recommend



She even found a lovely bride

for poor cousin Isadore



"Social introductions arranged."



Drag your single relations out



In a week you'll have to

send engraved invitations out



"In an atmosphere of elegance

and refinement."



Call on Dolly



"Object: matrimony."



If your eldest daughter needs a friend



Just name the kind of man your sister

wants, and she'll snatch him up



Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts

and she'll match 'em up



Call on Dolly



If your eldest daughter needs a friend



I have always been a woman

who arranges things



For the pleasure and the profit it derives



I have always been a woman

who arranges things



Like furniture and daffodils and lives



If you want your sister courted,

brother wed or cheese imported



Just leave everything to me



If you want your roof inspected,

eyebrows tweezed or bills collected



Just leave everything to me



If you want your daughter dated,

or some marriage consummated



For a rather modest fee



If you want a husband spotted,

boyfriend traced or chicken potted



I'll arrange for making all arrangements



Just leave everything to me



- Business or pleasure, Mrs Levi?

- Mr Jones, business is always a pleasure.



And you've got more businesses

than a dog has fleas!



As my late husband, Ephraim Levi,

used to say:



"If you have to live from hand to mouth,

you better be ambidextrous!"



If you want your ego bolstered,

muscles toned or chair upholstered



Just leave everything to me



Charming social introductions,

expert mandolin instructions



Just leave everything to me



If you want your culture rounded,

French improved or torso pounded



With a ten-year guarantee



If you want a birth recorded,

collies bred or kittens boarded



I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure



Just leave everything to me



- Where to, Dolly?

- Yonkers.



To handle a highly personal

matter for Mr Vandergelder,



the well-known unmarried half-a-millionaire.



- Gonna marry him yourself?

- Why, Mr Sullivan,



whatever put such

a preposterous idea into my head?



Your head.



If you want a law abolished,

jury swayed or toenails polished



Just leave everything to me



If you want your liver tested,

glasses made, cash invested



Just leave everything to me



If you want your children coddled,

corsets boned or furs remodelled



Or some nice, fresh fricassee



If you want your bustle shifted,

wedding planned or bosom lifted



Don't be ashamed, girls!

Life is full of secrets and I keep 'em!



I'll discreetly use my own discretion



I'll arrange for making all arrangements



I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure



Just leave everything



To me



- And I'm telling you that I will marry her!

- Not without my permission, you won't!



This is a free country, not a private kingdom.

She's consented and I'll marry her.



- I'm telling you that you won't.

- I'm telling you I will.



- Never.

- Tomorrow. Today.



Ermengarde is not for you.

You can't support her. You are an artist.



- I make a good living.

- A living, Mr Kemper,



is made by selling something that

everybody needs at least once a year.



And a million is made by producing

something everybody needs every day.



You artists, you painters, produce

nothing that nobody needs, never.



You might as well know, any way we can find

to get married is right and fair and we'll do it.



You are an impractical,

seven-foot-tall nincompoop.



- That's an insult.

- All the facts about you are insults.



- Thank you for the honour of your visit.

- Ermengarde is of age and there's no law...



Law? The law is there to prevent crime. Men

of sense are there to prevent foolishness.



It is I that will prevent you

from marrying my niece.



And I've already taken the necessary steps.

Mrs Dolly Levi is on her way here even now.



Dolly Levi? Your marriage broker?



Never mind that. She'll pick up Ermengarde

and take her to New York,



and keep her there

until this foolishness is over.



- We'll see about that.

- Thank you again for the honour...



You have to sit still, Mr Vandergelder. If I cut

your throat it will be practically unintentional.



  % of the people in this world are fools and

the rest are in great danger of contamination.



Enough of this.

I'm a busy man with things to do.



A scraped chin is the least of them.



I did the best I could, Mr Vandergelder.



- Joe.

- Yes?



I've got special reasons

for looking my best today.



Is there something a little extra

you can do? A little special?






You know, do some of those things you do

to the young fellas. Smarten me up a little bit.



Face massage. A little perfume water.



All I know is    cents' worth, like usual,

and that includes all that's decent to do.



Listen, I don't want you blabbing this,

but I need something extra today



because I'm going to New York to call on a

very refined lady, name of Miss Irene Molloy.



Your callin' on ladies is none

of my business, Mr Vandergelder.



- Hold your horses, Joe.

- Uncle Horace!



- Uncle Horace!

- Yes, what is it?



- What have you done to Ambrose?

- I had a quiet talk with him.



- You did?

- Yes, I explained to him that he's a fool.



- Oh, Uncle!

- Weeping, weeping - a waste of water.



I've done you a good turn.

You'll thank me when you're   .



But, Uncle, I love him.



Save your tears for New York,

where they won't be noticed.



- But I love him!

- You don't.



- But I do!

- Leave those things to me.



If I don't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!



- Of what?

- A broken heart.



Never heard of it. Are you ready

for Mrs Levi when she comes?






Well, get ready some more and

stay in your room until she arrives.












Cornelius! Barnaby!



- You stamped, Mr Vandergelder?

- Yes, I stamped.



- Are my niece's bags at the railroad station?

- Yes.



- And you, did you label them properly?

- Yes.



Good. I'm going to New York on important

business, then I'll be marching in the parade.



- Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

- I'm planning to stay at the Central Hotel.



We've never been here alone,

Mr Vandergelder.



Now, in honour of the occasion, I'll promote

you both. Cornelius, how old are you?



  ¾, Mr Vandergelder.



Is that all? That's a foolish age

to be at. I thought you were   .



No, I'm   ¾.



Well, a man's not worth a cent till he's   . We

pay him wages until then to make mistakes.



- Anyway, I'm promoting you to chief clerk.

- Chief clerk?



Well, what am I now?



You're an impertinent fool. If you behave,

I'll promote you from fool to chief clerk,



with a raise in your wages.



Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.



You, Barnaby, I'm promoting you from

idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk.



- Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.

- Mr Vandergelder? Mr Vandergelder?



What is it?



Does the chief clerk get

one evening off a week?



So that's how you thank me, eh?

No, sir. You'll attend to the store as usual.



You keep on asking for evenings free

and you'll find you have all your days free.



Yes, Mr Vandergelder.



And when I come back I wanna hear

that you ran the place perfectly.



- If I hear of any foolishness, I'll fire you both.

- Yes, Mr Vandergelder.



You might as well know it now. When I return

there will be some changes around here.



- You're going to have a mistress.

- I'm too young, Mr Vandergelder.



Not yours, idiot. Mine. I mean,

I'm planning to get married.



- Married?

- Yes, married. Any objections?



- No, but...

- No, many congratulations, Mr Vandergelder.



- And to the lady.

- That's none of your business.



- Any questions?

- No, but...



- But what?

- But I mean...



- Speak up.

- Why?



- Why what, damn it! Speak up!

- Why are you getting married?



Let me tell you something, son.



I've worked hard and I've become

rich... and friendless and mean.



And in America it's about

as far as you can go.



It's time to be doing

something a little bit foolish.



Besides, I need a steady housekeeper.



It takes a woman, all powdered and pink



To joyously clean out the drain in the sink



And it takes an angel

with long, golden lashes



And soft Dresden fingers

for dumping the ashes



Yes, it takes a woman, a dainty woman



A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A fragile woman



To bring you the sweet things in life



The frail young maiden,

who's constantly there



For washing and blueing,

and shoeing the mare



And it takes a female for setting the table



And weaning the Guernsey

and cleaning the stable



Yes, it takes a woman



A dainty woman



A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A fragile woman



To bring you the sweet things in life



And so she'll work until infinity



Three cheers for femininity



God bless fem-i-nin-i-ty



And in the winter she'll shovel the ice



And lovingly set out the traps for the mice



She's a joy and treasure

for, practically speaking,



To whom can you turn

when the plumbing is leaking?



To that dainty woman



That fragile woman



That sweetheart, that mistress, that wife



That womanly wife



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A husky woman



To bring you the sweet things in life



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A dainty woman



A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A fragile woman



To bring you the sweet things in life



Well, well, well, well, well.



Good morning, Mr Vandergelder.



Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker.



- Gentlemen.

- Good morning, ma'am.



Uh, morning, Mrs Levi.



How handsome you look today. Ooh,

you absolutely take my breath away.



Ermengarde is crying her eyes out. You can

take her to New York, but blow her nose first.



If only Irene Molloy could see you now.



Find someplace else to loaf. And you two

get back to the store. Go on!



And don't forget to put

the lid on the sheep dip.



I don't know what's come over you lately, but

you seem to be growing younger every day.



Well, if a man eats careful, there's

no reason why he should look old.



- You never said a truer word.

- Even if I never see   ... uh,    again.



  . I can see that you're the sort

that will be stamping about at    



eating five meals a day,

like my Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace.



Let me see your hand, Mr Vandergelder.

Oh, show me your hand.



- Why?

- I'm a judge of hands. I read hands.



- And I use them to get things done.

- Oh! Lord in heaven! Goodness gracious!



Oh, I just can't believe it.

It's such a long lifeline.



- Where?

- From here... I don't know where it goes.



It runs right off your hand.

They'll have to hit you with a mallet.



They'll have to stifle you with

a sofa pillow. You'll bury us all.



I will?



Say, you're all spiffed up

today, aren't you?



- Yes.

- And not for this smelly horse, either.



Well, if I had to guess,

I'd say you was goin' somewhere.



Remarkable, Mrs Levi. How do you do it?



Two and two is four, Mr Vandergelder.



With a head like yours

you'll be a rich woman someday.



That's exactly what I had in mind.



Then I suggest you go about your

business and pick up Ermengarde,



- for which I am paying you good money.

- Speaking of business, Mr Vandergelder,



I suppose you've given up

all idea of getting married?



Is that what you suppose?



Then suppose you listen to this, Mrs Levi.



I've decided... I've practically decided

to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife.



- You have?

- Yes, I have.



I'm going to New York and discuss it

with her this very afternoon.



Well, that is just about the best news

I have ever heard, Mr Vandergelder.



Oh, yes, indeed. Marvellous news.

Oh, dear me. Isn't it wonderful?



I mean, I'm racking my brain, trying to

think of something that's made me happier,



but I just can't come up with a thing,

because this is just too wonderful.



Well, it's all your fault, you know.



You put me into this marryin' frame of mind

with all your introductions and scheming.



- A widow has to earn a living.

- One day I wake up,



- and the house seems like an empty shell.

- Certainly is.



- And messy, too.

- Certainly is.



A man needs someone

to take out the garbage.



And Irene Molloy's just the one

to do it. Oh, darling girl.



Well, I think it's perfectly wonderful

what's going to happen in your household.



I never did like the idea of all that money

of yours lying around in piles in the bank,



so useless and motionless. As my late

husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say:



"Money should circulate like rainwater."



"It should flow down among the people,

through little dressmakers and restaurants,



setting up a business here,

furnishing a good time there."



I just know that you and Mrs Vandergelder

will see that all your hard-earned wealth



starts flowing in and around

many people's lives, just flowing...



- All right. Stop saying that!

- Pouring out...



So there's nothing more for me to do

but wish you happiness



- and say goodbye.

- Yes, well, goodbye.



And when I get to New York, I'll tell the girl

I had lined up for you, the heiress, not to wait.



- What did you say?

- Oh, nothing, nothing. A word. "Heiress."



Well, just a minute. That's kind of

unusual, isn't it, Mrs Levi?



Well, I haven't been wearing myself to the

bone hunting up usual girls to interest you.



But now all that's too late.

You're engaged to marry Irene Molloy.



- I am not engaged.

- I cannot keep upsetting...



the finest women around

unless you mean business.



- Who said I don't mean business?

- You're playing a very dangerous game.



- Dangerous?

- Of course it's dangerous. It's called:



"tampering with a woman's affections". The

only way to save yourself from that charge



is to get married

to someone soon, very soon.



- Don't worry.

- I won't.



I'll meet you in front of

Irene Molloy's hat shop at  .  .



- Never mind. You've done your work.

- I wouldn't miss it for the world.



I want to be there to make sure

nothing goes wrong.



Just tend to Ermengarde or else I'll ask

you to return the fee I gave you for that.



- Speaking of money...

- Oh, no. How much?



Well, I left my money in the handbag I took

to the cleaner's just before it burned down.



  ! Oh, bless you, and don't you worry

your handsome head about a thing.



Just keep all your thoughts

on that lovely Irene Molloy.



It takes a woman to quietly plan



To take him and change him

to her kind of man



And to gently lead him

where fortune can find him



And not let him know



That the power behind him



Was that dainty woman



That fragile woman



That sweetheart



That mistress



That... wife



If he had any taste at all,

he'd have the shutters done over in green.



Mm, forest-green shutters.



- What are you doing?

- Hurry!



- My uncle...

- He just left. Now quick! We're running away.



- Running away?

- Hurry, before the train gets here!



- Train?

- To New York, to get married.



- We're going to elope.

- Elope? That's such an awful word.



- Oh, Ermengarde.

- My, what a romantic scene.



Oh, Mrs Levi, please explain to Ambrose.

I wanna marry him, but not elope.



- This doesn't concern Mrs Levi.

- Everything concerns Dolly Levi.



- Don't listen to her. I know why you're here.

- To help. Love needs all the help it can get.



- Wait a minute. Listen to me.

- There's no time.



Can we climb in? I feel

an updraught in my underpants.



- Oh, Mrs Levi!

- This is no way to elope.



If you follow my suggestions, not only will he

let you marry but he'll dance at your wedding.



And not alone, either.

Mr Kemper, can you dance?



- Dance? I'm an artist, Mrs Levi. I paint.

- No problem.



- "Mrs Levi. Painters taught how to dance."

- Here's what we'll do.



- I'm going to take you to New York.

- See? I told you.



You will stay close by. Tonight you will

take her to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens.



There's this man, Rudolph Reisenweber.

He knows me well.



We'll enter you in the polka contest.



The prize is a gold cup and

some money, and you'll win it.



- Oh, the cups we won, my husband and I.

- Now, wait a minute.



I'm surprised you have

acquaintances in a place like that.



Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.

Dear friends from days gone by.



My late husband, Ephraim Levi, believed

in life, any place you could find it,



wherever there were people,

all kinds of people.



And every Friday night,

even when times were bad,



every Friday night, like clockwork,



down those stairs of the Harmonia

Gardens we came, Ephraim and I.



Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.



It's all very well for you,

but you're suggesting that we...



Mr Kemper, do you or do you not wish to

show Horace that you mean business?






All right, then. Go to the Harmonia

Gardens and say that Mrs Levi sent you.



And, oh... yes, well, tell Rudolph...

tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back.



And I want a table for two

and a chicken for eight o'clock.



Mr Vandergelder will learn of your triumph

and everything will work out beautifully.



- But how, Mrs Levi? How?

- How?



  ¾ years old and I still don't

get an evening free.



When am I gonna begin to live?



Barnaby? How much money have you got?



- Huh?

- I mean, that you can get your hands on?



- About three dollars. Why?

- Barnaby, you and I are going to New York.



Cornelius, we can't. Close the store?



We'll have to, cos some rotten cans

of chicken mash are going to explode.



- Holy cabooses! How do you know?

- Because I'll light some candles under them.



They'll make such a stink that customers

won't be able to come in for    hours.



That'll get us an evening free. We are going

to New York and we are gonna live.



We're gonna have a good meal,

be in danger, get almost arrested.



- And we're gonna spend all our money.

- Holy cabooses!



And one more thing. We are not coming back

to Yonkers until we've each kissed a girl.



Cornelius, you can't do that.

You don't know any girls.



I'm   ¾. I gotta begin sometime.



I'm only   ½.

With me it's not so urgent.



May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?



Mrs Levi.



- I just couldn't help hearing.

- We'll be fired.



- We were only talking.

- Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker,



there is nothing that makes me happier

than the thought of two fine young men



enjoying the company of two lovely ladies.



- What ladies? Where?

- In New York, Mr Hackl,



to which, unless my ears

play me tricks, you are bound.



Now, there's this millinery shop

run by a charming woman.



- "Irene Molloy"?

- And her attractive assistant, Minnie Fay.



And now that you've noted

the address, I have only this to say.



Two o'clock in the afternoon there

is the ideal time for friendly conversation.



Definitely no later than  .  .



And if you ever say that

this was my suggestion,



well, I should denounce you both

for the terrible liars that you are.



- A millinery shop.

- Women who work!



- Adventure, Barnaby.

- I'm scared.



- Living, Barnaby.

- I'm scared.



- Will ya come, Barnaby?

- Yes, Cornelius! Yes!



The lights of Broadway! Elevated trains!

The stuffed whale at Barnum's museum!



Stuffed whale! Wow!



Women who work! Wow!



All clear up here, Cornelius!

You gonna light 'em all?



Cornelius, look out! That bottom row,

they're swelled up like they're ready to burst!



- Holy cabooses! What a smell!

- Let's get dressed, Barnaby.



We're going to New York!



Out there



There's a world outside of Yonkers



Way out there beyond

this hick town, Barnaby



There's a slick town, Barnaby



Out there



Full of shine and full of sparkle



Close your eyes and see it glisten, Barnaby



Listen, Barnaby



Put on your Sunday clothes,

there's lots of world out there



Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars



We're gonna find adventure

in the evening air



Girls in white in a perfumed night



Where the lights are bright as the stars



Put on your Sunday clothes,

we're gonna ride through town



In one of those new horse-drawn open cars



We'll see the shows at Delmonico's



And we'll close the town in a whirl



And we won't come home

until we've kissed a girl



Put on your Sunday clothes

when you feel down and out



Strut down the street

and have your picture took



Dressed like a dream

your spirits seem to turn about



That Sunday shine is a certain sign



That you feel as fine as you look



Beneath your parasol

the world is all a smile



That makes you feel brand-new

down to your toes



Get out your feathers, your patent leathers



Your beads and buckles and bows



For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday



No Monday in your Sunday



No Monday in your Sunday clothes



Put on your Sunday clothes

when you feel down and out



Strut down the street

and have your picture took



Dressed like a dream

your spirits seem to turn about



That Sunday shine is a certain sign



That you feel as fine as you look



Beneath your parasol

the world is all a smile



That makes you feel brand-new

down to your toes



Get out your feathers, your patent leathers



Your beads and buckles and bows



For there's no blue Monday

in your Sunday clothes



Put on your Sunday clothes

when you feel down and out



Strut down the street

and have your picture took



Dressed like a dream

your spirits seem to turn about



That Sunday shine is a certain sign



That you feel as fine as you look



Beneath your bowler brim

the world's a simple song



A lovely lilt that makes you tilt your nose



Get out your slickers



Your flannel knickers



Your red suspenders and hose



For there's no blue Monday



In your Sunday



No blue Monday



In your Sunday clothes



Ermengarde, keep smiling.

No man wants a little ninny.



Ambrose, do a turn, let me see.



Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker,

don't forget Irene and Minnie,



just forget you ever heard a word from me.



All aboard! All aboard!



All aboard!



Put on your Sunday clothes,

there's lots of world out there



Put on your silk cravat and patent shoes



We're gonna find adventure

in the evening air



To town we'll trot to a smoky spot



Where the girls are hot as a fuse



Put on your silk high hat

and at the turned-up cuff



We'll wear a handmade

grey suede buttoned glove



You're gonna take New York by storm



We'll join the Astors at Tony Pastor's



And this I'm positive of



That we won't come home



No, we won't come home



No, we won't come home

until we fall in love



Do get done with that, Minnie. The men

are eyeing us for the wrong reason.



- A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

- An apple a day.



Do doctors slip on apple peels?



- How are you, Miss Molloy?

- If I felt any better I'd be indecent.



- You are in a mood today.

- I certainly am.



Not that it's any of my business...

Oh, but is it because...? I mean...



I don't mind that you never finish lunch,

but I mind that you never finish sentences.



Well, what I meant was,

are you really going to?



Silly girl, say it. Am I going to

marry Horace Vandergelder?



Yes, I'm seriously

considering it, if he asks me.



Oh, I'd rather die on the rack than

ask you such a personal question,



but why would you?



Because he's rich, that's why. He can rescue

me from the millinery business. I hate hats.



- Hate hats?

- A good afternoon to you, Officer Gogarty.



And the rest of the day to you, Miss Molloy.



Ah, Minnie, why is it that all the attractive

men in New York are married?



Blarney, Miss Molloy! Blarney!



Come on now, get going, all of you.



- Oh, the way you talk!

- It's natural to talk about men.



- I mean, what you said about hating hats.

- Particularly the women who buy them.



- You don't mean that.

- Oh, yes, I do, Minnie Fay.



All lady milliners are suspected

of being wicked women.



Half the time those dowagers who come in,

come in merely to stare and wonder.



Oh, how dare they!



And if they were sure,

they'd not set foot in the shop again.



- Well, good riddance. Who needs them?

- We do, unfortunately.



So, do I go out to restaurants?

No, it would be bad for business.



Do I go to balls or theatres or operas?



No, it would be bad for business.



The only men I ever meet are the feather

merchants who come to sell me things.



Minnie, I'm tired of being suspected of being

a wicked woman with nothing to show for it.



Miss Molloy!



Why does everybody

have adventures but me?



- Adventures?

- Because I have no spirit, no gumption.



Either I marry Horace Vandergelder

or I'm gonna burn this shop down,



break out like a fire engine

and find myself some excitement.



The things you're saying today.

They're just awful.



Oh, aren't they, though?

And I'm enjoying every word of it.



What's this? A return from

Miss Mortimer again?



Same old story. She wants cherries

and feathers. To catch a beau, I suppose.



If you ask me, she'd do better

with a heavy veil.



I told her ribbons down the back

is the thing to catch a gentleman's eye.



But she'd have none of it.



Minnie, make another hat for Miss Mortimer.

I'm wearing this one myself.



- Oh, but you can't.

- Why not?



Oh, because it's... it's provocative.

That's why not.



Well, who knows that "provocative"

isn’t just what I might wanna be today.



I'll be wearing ribbons down my back



This summer



Blue and green and

streaming in the yellow sky



So if someone special comes my way



This summer



He might notice me



Passing by



And so I'll try to make it easier to find me



In the stillness of July



Because a breeze might stir

a rainbow up behind me



That might happen to catch



The gentleman's eye



And he might smile

and take me by the hand



This summer



Making me recall how lovely love can be



And so I will proudly wear



Ribbons down my back



Shining in my hair



That he might notice me



Miss Molloy, you don't love

Horace Vandergelder, do you?



- Of course I don't love him.

- Then how can you... I mean...?



Minnie, look. There are two men

staring at the shop.



- Men?

- Uh-huh. Aren't they delicious?



- You don't think...?

- Yes, I do believe they mean to come in here.



- Men in the shop? What'll we do?

- Why, flirt with them, of course.



- I'll give you the short one.

- You're terrible.



We'll heat them up and drop them cold.

Good practice for married life.



- Let's pretty ourselves up a bit.

- If you say "vamp", I'll scream.






I must say, I like the tall one.



- Adventure, Barnaby.

- We can still catch the train back to Yonkers.



- I feel dizzy.

- Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum.



Women, Barnaby.



Stuffed... women!



There's no one here. We can leave.



I'd never forgive myself.



Are you sure this is an adventure, Cornelius?



You don't have to ask. When you're

in one, you'll know it all right.



- How much money is left?

-    cents for the train,



   cents for dinner and

   cents to see the whale.



Well, when they come out,

we'll pretend we're rich.



- That way we won't have to spend a thing.

- Why not say that Mrs Levi sent us?



No, we're not supposed to

ever say that. Shh!



We're two men about town

looking for hats for ladies.



What ladies?



"Good afternoon, ma'am.

Wonderful weather we're having."



"How do you do, ma'am?

And how are your hats?"



"Charmed to make your acquaintance.

Lovely place you have here."



Good afternoon, gentlemen.



- Cornelius Hackl here.

- Barnaby Tucker here.



Irene Molloy here.



I'm very happy to meet you.

Is there anything I can do for you?



See, we're two ladies about town

lookin' for hats to Molloy...



We're hats, you see, and wondered if we

could buy a lady or two to Molloy with for...



We want a hat. Well, for a lady, of course.



And everyone said to go to

Miss Molloy's cos she's so pretty.



I mean... her hats are so pretty.



And what sort of hat

would Mrs Hackl be liking?



Oh, no, Miss Molloy, there is no Mrs Hackl.



Yes, there is. Your mother.



She didn't mean that.



- Did you, Miss Molloy?

- Now, this lady friend of yours,



couldn't she come in with you

someday and choose the hat herself?



Impossible. There is no lady friend.



But I thought you said that

you were coming here to choose...



- I mean, she's Barnaby's.

- Huh? What?



Yes, but she lives in Yonkers and she said

to pick out something reasonable.



- Under a dollar.

- Don't be silly, Barnaby.



Money's no object with us. None at all.



Oh, this is my assistant,

Miss Minnie Fay. Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker.



- Good afternoon, ma'am.

- Afternoon... ma'am.



Excuse me, Mr Tucker, did you say Yonkers?



Yes, ma'am, we're from Yonkers.



Well, are you?



Yes. And, forgive me for saying this,

but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy.



Well, perhaps you and your gentleman

friend here in New York might like to see it.



Some say it's the most

beautiful town in the world.



- That's what they say.

- So I've heard.



But I'm afraid I don't have

a gentleman friend here in New York.



You don't? Barnaby, she doesn't

have a gentleman friend.



Hey, that's too bad. You know, if you

should happen to have a Sunday free...



You're Catholic, aren't you? Don't let that

worry you. I'd be willing to change.



If you're free in the near future, I'd...



well, we'd like to show you Yonkers

from top to bottom.



It's very historic.



As a matter of fact, I might

be there sooner than you think.



- This Sunday?

- I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.



- You do?

- Perhaps you know him.



I do?



It's always so foolish to ask

in cases like that, isn't it?



Why should you know him?

It's a Mr Vandergelder.



Mr Vandergelder? Oh!



- Horace Vandergelder?

- Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?



- Yes. Do you know him?

- Oh, no! No!



As a matter of fact, he's coming here

to see me this very afternoon.



- Coming here?

- This afternoon?



Cornelius! Cornelius, look!



It's a wolf trap.



Look out!



- Begging your pardon.

- What are you doing?



- We'll explain later. Help us just this once.

- Come out of there this minute.



We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy.



Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker, I insist that

you both come out or I'll be forced to...



Mr Vandergelder, how nice to see you.



- And Dolly Levi, what a surprise.

- Irene, my darling, how well you look.



- You must be in love.

- Afternoon, Miss Molloy.



What a pleasure to have you

in New York, Mr Vandergelder.



Yes, Yonkers lies up there decimated today.



We thought we'd pay you a little visit, Irene.



- Unless it's inconvenient?

- Inconvenient? Whatever gave you that idea?



Mr Vandergelder thought he saw two

customers in the shop. Two, uh... men?



Men? In a ladies' hat shop?



Come, let's go into my workroom.

I'm so eager for you to see it.



- I've already seen it twice.

- But I need your advice.



Advice from Mr Vandergelder. The whole

city should hear this and grow rich.



Advice is cheap. It's what comes

gift-wrapped that counts.



- I have never heard it put more beautifully.

- Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.



Chocolate-covered peanuts. Unshelled.

They're the expensive kind.



- Why don't we open them in the workroom?

- I've come here today...



because I've important

business to discuss with you,



just as soon as Mrs Levi says goodbye.



Pay no attention to me. I'm just browsing.



Business, Mr Vandergelder?

The hay and feed business?



- Well, not exactly.

- A new hat shop in Yonkers?



I hear it's a very beautiful city

and quite historic, according...



Yes, go on. Who's been telling you

about Yonkers, may I ask?



Nobody. A friend.



What friend?



Well, you see, he...



- He?

- Yes, uh... he...



- His name, Miss Molloy?

- What?



His name?



Oh, I believe it was... is...

Mr Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers.



- Cornelius Hackl?

- Yes. Do you know him?



- He's my head clerk.

- He is?



He's been with me for ten years.

Where would you have known him?



- Ah, just one of those chance meetings.

- Yes, one of those chance meetings.



Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has

no right to chance meetings. Where was it?



Really, it's very unlike you

to question me in such a way.



Well, the truth might as well

come out now as later.



Your head clerk is

better known than you think.



- Nonsense.

- He's here all the time. He goes everywhere.



He's well-liked. Everybody

knows Cornelius Hackl.



He never comes here. He works all day and

then goes to sleep in the bran room at nine.



- So you think, but it's not true.

- Dolly Levi, you are mistaken.



Horace Vandergelder,



you keep your nose so deep in your

accounts you don't know what goes on.



By day, Cornelius Hackl

is your faithful, trusted clerk,



but by night... oh, by night...

He leads a double life, that is all.



Why, he is... why, he's...

why, he's here... at the opera.



At the great restaurants,

in all the fashionable homes.



He's even at the Harmonia Gardens

three times a week.



The fact is, Mr Vandergelder, he is

the wittiest, the gayest, the naughtiest,



most delightful man in New York City.

He's the famous Cornelius Hackl.



It ain't the same man. If I thought Cornelius

Hackl came to New York, I'd discharge him.



Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's

carriage and pulled her through the streets?



Who dressed up as a waiter and took

an oyster and dropped it right down...?



- It's too wicked. I can't say it.

- Say it!



- No, but it was Cornelius Hackl.

- Where'd he get the money?



- Oh, he's very rich.

- Rich? I keep his money in my old safe.



He has $   .  



Oh, you are killing me.

He is one of the Hackls.



- The Hackls?

- Yes, they built the Raritan Canal.



- Then why work for me?

- Well, I'll tell ya...



I don't wanna hear it. I have

a headache. It ain't the same man.



He sleeps in my bran room.

I just made him my chief clerk.



If you had sense, you'd make him a partner.

Irene, I can see you're quite taken with him.



- But I only met him once.

- Now, don't you be thinking of marrying him.



- Darling, what are you saying?

- He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.



- Who?

- Cornelius Hackl.



Miss Molloy, how long

has he been calling on you?



Mr Vandergelder, suppose I were to tell you

that he has not been calling on me?



- Excuse me.

- Not now, Minnie.



Stop singing.



- There's a man!

- That's not amusing.



And we don't wish to be interrupted. Go back

to the workroom immediately. Immediately.



- The poor dear is tired from overwork.

- If there's a man in there, we'll get him out!



- Whoever you are, come out of there!

- Do you realise what you're saying?



- I certainly do.

- Now just a minute.



Before you make another move or say

another word that you might regret,



- allow me.

- Dolly.



Stand back.



There, you see? So much for this nonsense

about that darling girl hiding a man in there.



I think we'll just forget

you ever said it. It's forgotten.



Because there's nobody in there.



God bless you.



Miss Molloy?



Yes, Mr Vandergelder, there is a man in there.



- I see.

- There also happens to be an explanation.



For the present, I think I should just thank

you for your visit and say good afternoon.



- Another?

- Another.



Good Lord, the whole room is crawling

with men. Irene, darling, congratulations.



Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you

again. And I hope vice versa.



Horace, where are you going?



To march in the   th Street parade

with the kind of people I can trust.









- Have you met Miss Minnie Fay?

- Leave my shop or I'll call Officer Gogarty.



Irene, there's no fun in the jailhouse.



Don't talk at once.



- Just because you're rich...

- Don't deny it.



Doesn't mean you shouldn't make up for this.



- We'll do anything.

- This is Cornelius Hackl.



- We've already met. How do you do?

- Jail is absolutely out.



- Cornelius, explain to her.

- I'm Cornelius Hackl.



- It seems to me...

- Yes, the only way to make up for it...



Irene, send for the law at once. You can have

them put away for years on a charge like this.



Help, police! Only,

have dinner with them first.



That's to show that

you tried to settle amicably.



That's how to do it.

Dinner first, life imprisonment later.



It'll be a lovely evening. Who knows what'll

happen before you send them off to jail?



- Mr Hackl?

- Oh, by all means.



- It's what we had in mind all along.

- Minnie, we've been respectable for years.



Now we're in disgrace,

we might as well make the most of it.



- It is the only sensible thing to do.

- Cornelius...



- Now, I know a doughnut shop in the station.

- Doughnut shop? Certainly not.



We want a fine dinner in a fashionable place.



And I know just the place.

The Harmonia Gardens on   th Street.



- Your favourite restaurant.

- Wait a minute...



The finest food that money can buy and a

lovely orchestra. A polka contest tonight.



- Ooh, dancing.

- Rudolph will give you the best table.



- We could never go there.

- It sounds marvellous.



Come, Minnie. We'll close the shop

and take the whole afternoon off.



Oh, I mean, we could never...



Don't misunderstand me,

it isn't the money or anything...



It's the... the...



- What, Mr Hackl?

- It's the dancing. You see, I don't know how.



And they have contests

at the Harmonia... whatever it is.



You said so yourself, and I don't know how.

It would take weeks, months, years to learn.



"Mrs Dolly Levi.   ¾-year-old

chief clerks taught how to d..."



Now, you just put one arm

here and one arm there.



It's no use. I have no sense of rhythm.



Absolutely no sense of rhythm is the primary

requirement for learning by the Levi method.



Just give me five minutes.

I'll have you dancing in the streets.



I think we'll start with lesson seven:

the waltz kick turn.



Right foot, touch, left foot, touch,

under, back, around, touch.



Back, through, around, behind.

Out, over... release... unfurl!



Oh, oh, that's just

absolutely wonderful, Mr Hackl.



When I think of the lucky women

who'll find heaven in your arms!



I think we'll go back to lesson one, shall we?



Put your hand on her waist...



and stand,



with her right in your left hand.






One. That's right.



And... one, two, three.



One, two, three.



Oh, no. This one. And one, two, three.



One, two, three.



Look! I'm dancing!



- I was.

- Of course you were, Mr Hackl.



Take the someone whose arms you're in



Hold on to her tight



And spin



And one, two, three



One, two, three



One, two, three



Look! I'm dancing!



Come here.



Turn around and turn around,

try floating through the air



Can't you be a little more aesthetic?



Don't you think my dancing

has a polish and a flair?



The word I think I'd use is athletic.



Well, my heart is about to burst



My head is about to pop



And now that I'm dancing

who cares if I ever stop?



That's wonderful.



Look, everybody!

I, Cornelius Hackl, sport, I'm dancing!



You're next, Mr Tucker.



Glide and step



And then step and glide



And everyone... stand aside!



Not... not yet, Mr Tucker. One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three, one...



- Look! He's dancing!

- I think he's holdin' out on us.



You could learn to polka

if you worked a week or so



Or the tango filled with passion seething



I might join the chorus

of the Castle Garden show



Whatever you do, Mr Tucker, keep breathing.



For my heart is about to burst



My head is about to pop



And now that we're dancing

who cares if we ever stop?



When there's someone you hardly know



And wish you were closer to



Remember that he can be

near to you while you're dancing



Though you've only just said hello



She's suddenly someone who

can make all your daydreams appear to you



While you're dancing



Make the music weave a spell



Whirl away your worry



Things look almost twice as well



When they're slightly blurry



As around and around you go



Your spirits will hit the top



And now that we're dancing

who cares if we ever stop?



One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three



And now that we're dancing

who cares if we ever stop?






Dolly, Cornelius is taking us to see

the parade. Everyone will be marching.



- Come on, Mrs Levi.

- Dolly, the world is full of wonderful things.



Hurry, before the parade passes by!



Yes, I will. I will.



Before the parade passes by.



Before it all moves on



And only I'm left



Before the parade passes by



I've got to get in step



While there's still time left



I'm ready to move out in front



Life without life has no reason or rhyme left



With the rest of them



With the best of them



I wanna hold my head up high



I need a goal again



I need a drive again



I wanna feel my heart coming alive again



Before the parade



Passes by



Ephraim, let me go.



It's been long enough, Ephraim.



Every night, just like you'd want me to, I've

put out the cat, made myself a rum toddy,



and, before I went to bed, said a little prayer

thanking God that I was independent.



That no one else's life

was mixed up with mine.



But lately, Ephraim,



I've begun to realise that...



for a long time... I have not shed one tear.



Nor have I been for one moment...



outrageously happy.



Now, Horace Vandergelder, he's always

saying the world is full of fools.



And in a way, he's right, isn't he?

I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself...



But there comes a time when you've got to

decide if you want to be a fool among fools,



or a fool alone.



Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim,



but I would feel so much better about it

if... if you could just give me a sign,



any kind of a sign that you approve.



I'm going back, Ephraim.



I've decided to join the human race again.



And, Ephraim, I want you to give me away.



Before the parade passes by



I've got to go and taste Saturday's high life



Before the parade passes by



I've got to get some life back into my life



I'm ready to move out in front



I've had enough of just passing by life



With the rest of them



With the best of them



I can hold my head up high



For I've got a goal again



I've got a drive again



I'm gonna feel my heart coming alive again



Before the parade



Passes by



Present arms!



Present arms!



Dolly Levi!






Gussie Granger?



What are you doing here?



Earning an honest dollar, which is more than

I've made on a legitimate stage in two years.



Pity on you. But the meat packers' float?



Ha! Listen, if there was more money

in it, I'd play one of the pigs.



I came here for some privacy.



I owe you an apology and I didn't

want to let it go another minute.



You owe me the fee I gave you for getting me

tangled up with that collector of men's hats.



Yes, Irene, she was

a disappointment, darling girl.



I'll have you know the confectioner

gave me back every cent for the peanuts.



I'm sorry. I never give cash refunds.



However, being a woman who believes

in giving service that's been paid for,



- I've arranged to make it up to you.

- Let me make one thing clear.



You have been discharged as my

marriage broker. I have no use for one.



From now on, you are just

a woman like anyone else.



- I am?

- And I'm just a man like anyone else,



and, like anyone else, I'll do what I can

to avoid the introductions you specialise in.



Well, I can understand your feelings,

and I am here today, marching beside you,



to assure you that there will be no further

need for my services after dinner tonight.



- Dinner?

-  .   at the Harmonia Gardens.



It's all arranged.

Private room. She'll be waiting.



- Who? Who-who-who'll be waiting?

- Who-who-who'll be waiting?



The very rich, very beautiful lady I referred to

when I saw you in Yonkers this morning.



The... heiress to a fortune, remember?



I'm not interested. What's her name?



Uh... Ernestina.



I'm not interested. What's her last name?



Simple... uh, Simple. Ernestina Simple.



- Can she cook?

- Can she cook?



Frankly, I never understood why a girl

who could afford every servant around



makes all her own meals,

on a solid gold stove.



- She's a fool. I'm not interested in fools.

- Neither am I. Good day.



- Good day.

- Don't forget.  .   Harmonia Gardens.



And rent some evening clothes. She's fussy.



Dolly Levi, you are

a damned exasperating woman!



Why, Horace Vandergelder, that is

the nicest thing you have ever said to me.



When the parade passes by



Listen and hear

that brass harmony growing



When the parade passes by



Pardon me if my old spirit is showing



All of those lights over there



Seem to be telling me where I'm going



When the whistles blow



And the cymbals crash



And the sparklers light the sky



I'm gonna raise the roof



I'm gonna carry on



Give me an old trombone



Give me an old baton



Before the parade



Passes by



Cornelius, are you sure

they're just changing their clothes?



- Don't worry, they'll be here.

- I get dressed in less than three minutes.



- Women wear more.

- They do?






Cornelius, maybe we should

leave while there's time.



- Never.

- We've seen everything.



The parade, the Statue of Liberty,

the stuffed whale at Barnum's museum.



- I could die a happy man now.

- It'll be worth it, no matter what happens.



The worst anybody can do is put us in jail.



But as long as we live we'll never forget



the night we took Irene Molloy and

Minnie Fay to dinner at Harmonia Gardens,



- on less than a dollar.

- Cornelius, wake up.



And there's another reason we can't go back.



One more thing we promised to do before we

go and turn into a couple of Vandergelders.



Cornelius! You're not thinking

of kissing Miss Molloy?



- Maybe.

- She'll scream.



Barnaby, you don't know

anything about women.



- Only that we can't afford 'em.

- You should know that everyone except us...



goes through life

kissing right and left all the time.



They do?






I often wondered about that.



- Smile, Barnaby.

- I'm smiling.



- Look rich and gay and charming.

- I'm looking gay and charming.






- Here we are.

- Hello.






I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Molloy.



No last names. After all we've been through

together this afternoon, it's Irene and Minnie.






- Does that count, Cornelius?

- I don't think so.






You see, we were counting here,

while we were waiting.



I hear all rich people do nothing

but count their money.



I'm so hungry. Why don't we go in here

and have some hors d'oeuvres first?



- No, no, no.

- It's very fashionable.



- It would spoil our appetites.

- Or we could have an apéritif.



It's out of the question. Barnaby and I

don't agree with that sort of thing.



- But all those people do.

- Well, they simply don't know that a...



a... péritif is no longer considered elegant.



- Oh, it isn't?

- Hasn't been for years.



In that case, it's on to Harmonia

Gardens for dinner. Call a hack.



- Hack?

- All my life I've wanted to ride in a hack.



- Oh, there's one. Yoo-hoo!

- No, no. We can't do that.



I mean, it isn't the money or anything.



It's just that, nowadays, really

elegant people never take hacks.



- Hacks is out.

- They all go by streetcar.



Then, by all means, we go by streetcar.



I've been elegant all my life

and I never knew it.



Of course, if you really want

to be really elegant...



- Oh, we do.

- We do.



You'll walk.



Yes, New York



It's really us: Barnaby and... Cornelius



All the guests of Mr Hackl

are feeling great and look spectacular



What a knack



There is to that acting like a born aristocrat



We got elegance



If you ain't got elegance



You can never, ever carry it off



All who are well-bred agree



Minnie Fay has pedigree



Exercise your wildest whims tonight



We are out with Diamond Jims tonight



Could they be... misleading us?



Silver spoons were used for feeding us



We got elegance



If you ain't got elegance



You can never, ever carry it off



Snobs that slobs



Throw roses at. We look down



Our noses at



Pity all the other girls around



When I swing my perfect pearls around



Snubbing folks... is chic to us



Sometimes we don't even speak to us



If you ain't got elegance



You can never, ever carry it off



If you please.



Middle class... don't speak of it



Savoir-faire... we reek of it



Some were born with rags and patches



But we use dollar bills for matches and



Vanderbilt... kowtows to us



JP Morgan scrapes and bows to us



We got elegance



We were born with elegance



I behave like Walter Raleigh



When the streets are full of mud



And the bluest huckleberry



Isn't bluer than my blood



Have you noticed when I hold my cup



The saucer never moves



And the way I keep my pinkie up



Indubitably proves that



We got elegance



We got built-in elegance



And with elegance



Elegance, elegance, elegance






We'll carry it off



Horace, Horace Vandergelder



Mrs Horace Vandergelder



Just leave everything to me



Though it won't be like the first time



How can it be like the first time?



But why does it have to be?



Don't look for shooting stars



For love is only love



You touch, and still you touch the ground



Don't listen for those bells



For... love is only love



And if it's love you've found



Your heart won't hear a sound



And when you hold his hand



You only hold his hand



The violins are all a bluff



But if you're really wise



The silence of his eyes



Will tell you love is only love



And it's wonderful enough



Without the shooting stars



Without the sound of bells



Without the violins



Love is wonderful






Good evening. Good evening.



Straighten up. Walk erect.



Pleasure. Good evening.



How nice to see you.



Psst! No expression. Let the food smile.



And how are you this evening?



Charming, charming.



You! You there!



Come up here at once.



Yes, you.



How dare you keep me

standing here this long?



As soon as Mr Vandergelder arrives,

you will be seated, Miss Simple.



- Now look here, garçon.

- My name is Rudolph. Rudolph Reisenweber.



And why, may I ask,

can I not wait at the table?



Please. Please.



Harmonia Gardens does not

consider it proper, a lady alone.



- Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap.

- Ohh! Don't touch me.






- If you will excuse me.

- Certainly not.



Yes? What can I do for you?



How are ya, Adolf? How's my old friend?



- I am Rudolph.

- Oh, of course.






We'd like a little something

to eat. You know?



In what name is the reservation, please?



- Reservation?

- I'm afraid there is nothing available.



- Come on, let's go.

- Do you know who he is?



This is Cornelius Hackl. The Cornelius Hackl.



- Tell him about the Rockefellers.

- The Rockefellers? I see.



Look, I know a little place up the block.



I think I have something. Yes, I think

I have something. Follow me, if you will.



Dining room number two.



- It is the last one. Very private.

- It is?



- Very exclusive.

- It is?



- Very fashionable.

- Don't say another word.



And very expensive.



That was the word.



- How beautiful!

- How elegant!



How much?



Cornelius, I thought you said

everyone knew you.



Oh, don't worry. They will after tonight.



She is? She is? I don't believe it!



Eight o'clock, table for two, and a chicken.



Mrs Dolly Levi coming here

after such a long absence!



- It is too happy to be true.

- That's the message she told me to give you.



Who? Who are these people?



They look truthful.



If you're gonna spend all evening acting

like a scared rabbit, maybe I'll order lettuce.



Oh, how can you be so brave? It's unfair.



Just try to keep remembering

Mrs Levi's advice.



I only wanted to marry you,

not perform in public.



- There's nobody here who knows us.

- Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?



Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong?






- Vandergelder's the name.

- Yes, Mr Vandergelder.



There's a Miss Ernestina Simple

supposed to be waiting.



Right there, Mr Vandergelder.



No, you didn't understand what I said...



But perfectly. Mr Vandergelder

is here, Miss Simple.



Yes, so I see.



- Oh, good evening, Miss Simple.

- I hope so, Mr Vandergelder.



- All right, my good man.

- Fritz, private dining room number one.



- Follow me, if you will.

- You may take my arm.



And, unless you are suffering from

a head cold, kindly remove your hat.






I have an important announcement to make.



After an absence of several years, there will

return to the Harmonia Gardens tonight...



the lady who always had

the happiest smile, the warmest heart,



and the largest appetite

in the city of New York.



- It's Dolly.

- Dolly?









It is therefore my order, as head waiter

of the Harmonia Gardens,



and your supreme commander,



that tonight of all nights our usual lightning

service will be twice as lightning as ever.



Or else!



Waiter, write this down. Mock turtle soup,

roast pheasant under glass.



- Pheasant?

- I'll have the same, and some champagne.



- Champagne?

- What would you like, sir?



Six months off for good behaviour?



What do you mean,

"oysters aren't in season"?



Anybody can have oysters in season.

I want them out of season.



They don't have any, Miss Simple.



Then tell 'em to go out and dig for some.



- Hello again.

- Here we are.



- We thought something happened.

- Don't worry. It will.



Barnaby, Irene, Minnie,



I feel so good about everything,



so good about this whole day,



that I am now going to become

an honest man and tell the truth.






I'd forgotten what strange things

happen to men when they drink.



If I tell you the truth, will you let me

put my arm around your waist?



Good heavens! You can do that

even if you lie to me.



I've never touched a woman before.



You still haven't. That's my corset.



- You're a wonderful person, Irene.

- Thank you, Cornelius.



And that's why I have to tell you the truth.



If it'll make you feel better.



It's all those fancy things

that Mrs Levi said about me.



Oh, yes.



Well, they're just not so.






Irene, I'm not rich.



Not rich?



I'm not any of the things Mrs Levi said I was.



And neither is Barnaby. We're not

sports, we don't know anybody.



We never come to New York.

We never do anything...



except work for Mr Vandergelder all day

and clean up the store at night.



And we wanted so much

to have one day of adventure,



that we ran away from Yonkers

and told a lot of lies.



Ah, well, look at us.



A pair of penniless pretenders.



But, Cornelius, I've known that all along.



You have?



Why else would you have hidden

in my cupboard and under my table?



And made us walk all over New York?



You're the nicest ladies

a man ever went to jail for.






We don't have the money

to pay for this dinner.



Of course you don't. Minnie, show these

two sports what I've got in my purse.



What a pleasure to know that

selling all those silly hats...



can pay for an evening

as delightful as this one.



I can't help myself.









No, no, Minnie, my white

handbag, not that one.



- My white handbag.

- When we changed for the evening.






Only my mad money...

a nickel for the horsecar.



Would you like your check now, sir?



Take this away, my good man.

Bring us another bottle of champagne.



- What's this? What are you doing?

- It's eight o'clock. I really must be going.



Going? You haven't finished

your dinner yet, Miss Simple.



That's expensive. If I had food like that every

night, I'd be out of business inside a year.



I suggest you have the waiter put it in a bag

and take it home to your horses and pigs.



I don't have pigs, Miss Simple,

I have chickens,



and I did not get them

by being extravagant.



I see no point in this trivial

discussion, Mr Vandergelder,



nor in my remaining here any longer,



inasmuch as it is quite clear to me that

you are, if you forgive the expression,



- entirely unsuitable.

- Unsuitable?



Nevertheless, I will never say a word to

Mrs Levi about this unfortunate evening.



And I suggest you do likewise

when she arrives here.



Wait a minute.

Did you say "arrives here"?



Yes, she planned to join us at eight. You may

say I left because I felt sick to my stomach.



It's quite true, you know.



Good night.



Any man who goes to a big city

deserves what happens to him.



- He's all yours, honey.

- Good. Mr Cassidy?



- Yes, Mrs Levi?

- It's all right now. You can let me out.



- Mr Reisenweber, come here! Hurry!

- How often have I told you not to shout?



- It's her. She's outside.

- You mean...?



- What's going on?

- Are you sure?



I know that voice. I heard her.

In a beautiful carriage with two horses.



- That's her. She's come.

- Who? Who's come?



A lady. You wouldn't know her. Mrs Levi.



- Is it true?

- Yes, it's Dolly. Tell the men to get ready.



- You saw her?

- In a long carriage pulled by four horses.



It's like old times.



Reisenweber. Rudolph!






She is here.



Hello, Rudy



Well, hello, Harry



It's so nice to be back home where I belong



You are lookin' swell, Manny



I can tell, Danny



You're still glowin', you're still crowin'



You're still



Goin' strong



I feel the room swayin'



For the band's playin'



One of my old favourite songs

from way back when






Bridge that gap, fellas



Find me an empty lap, fellas



Dolly'll never go away again



Hello, Dolly



Well, hello, Dolly



It's so nice to have you back

where you belong



You're lookin' swell, Dolly



We can tell, Dolly



You're still glowin', you're still crowin'



You're still goin' strong



We feel the room swayin'



For the band's playin'



One of your old favourite songs

from way back when






Here's my hat, fellas



I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas



Promise you'll never go away again



I went away from the lights of   th Street



And into my personal haze



But now that I'm back

in the lights of   th Street



Tomorrow will be brighter

than the good old days



Those good old days



Tell it to me sweet



Hello! Well, hello, Dolly



Well, hello! Hey, look! Here's Dolly



Glad to see you, Hank,

let's thank my lucky star



Your lucky star



You're lookin' great, Stanley



Lose some weight?

I think, I think you did, Stanley



Dolly's overjoyed and overwhelmed and...



Over par



I hear the ice



Do you hear the ice tinkle?



See the lights



Can you see the light twinkle?



And you still get glances

from us handsome men



Look at you all, you're all so handsome



Golly, gee, fellas



Find me an empty knee, fellas



Dolly'll never go away again



Well, hello



Look who's here.






This is Louis



Hello, Louis.






It's so nice to have you back

where you belong



I am so glad to be back.



Ah, you're lookin' swell



Thank you, Louis.






I can tell



Does it show?






You still glowin', you still crowin'



You still goin' strong



I feel the room swayin'



And the band playin'



One of our old favourite songs

from way back when



I remember it



- So

- It was my favourite



Show some snap, fellas



Find her an empty lap



Dolly'll never go away again



Well, well, hello, Dolly



Well, hello, Dolly



It's so nice to have you back

where you belong



You're lookin' swell, Dolly



We can tell, Dolly



You're still glowin', you're still crowin'



You're still goin' strong



I hear the ice



I hear it tinkle



See the lights



I see them twinkle



And you still get glances

from us handsome men






Mmm, wow, wow, wow, fellas



Look at the old girl now, fellas



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never go away again



One more time!



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never...



Horace Vandergelder.



- Do we know each other?

- Much too well.



Oh, it's you, Mrs Levi.






Well, do you, uh...?



Do you think you have

the figure for that sort of get-up?



That's for others to say, Mr Vandergelder.



I bought it from a friend,

not being a rich lady...



who has nothing better to do than

dilly-dally with seamstresses.



- Which reminds me. Where is Miss Simple?

- Miss Simple? Well, she had to... uh... uh...



She got called away by

a sick friend. Had to leave.



Oh. Well, that's Ernestina.

Always thinking of other people.



We'll just have to make do without her

for the time being. Rudolph?



My dear Mrs Levi, I have saved

the very best table for you.



- How I've missed you.

- This way, please.



- Come along.

- I've eaten.



Don't stand here, you'll get run over

by a waiter. Oh, hello. Good evening.



Oh, hello. How are you?

Hi, nice to see you.



- You know too many people.

- Total strangers.



- So why greet them?

- It feels good to have so many friends.



- Well, say hello for me too.

- I already did.



- Lovely, Rudolph. Perfect.

- What are we doing down here?



There's someone in the dance

competition I want you to see.



- I have no interest in dancing.

- Rudy, this is Mr Vandergelder of Yonkers.



In fact, Yonkers' most influential citizen.



And Mr Vandergelder insists on buying the

finest dinner you have and served promptly.



- I never said that.

- I'm watching my waist. Can't eat a thing.



- What's ready immediately?

- You ordered a chicken...



I couldn't face a chicken.

Not after all I've been through today.



- Good, cancel the chicken.

- And bring a turkey.



- Yes.

- With everything on the side.



Now, tell me about you and Ernestina.



I can't wait to hear.

It was short, but was it sweet?



I mean, do you think you and she...?

I mean, did it go well?



Mrs Levi, you've a habit of asking

very personal questions.



Mr Vandergelder, if you're thinking

of marriage, you might as well learn...



that you have to let women be women. Now,

tell me, did you like her? Did she like you?



Always putting your nose

into other people's affairs.



Anybody who lived with you

would get as nervous as a cat.



- What did you say?

- Anybody who lived with you...



Horace Vandergelder, you get that idea

right out of your head this minute.



Why, the idea of you

even mentioning such a thing.



Understand once and for all that

I have no intention of marrying you.



- I didn't mean that.

- You've been hinting around for some time.



- I have not.

- So put that right out of your head.



- Stop saying that. That's not what I meant.

- I should hope not.



You go your way and I'll go mine.



I am not some Irene Molloy whose head you

can turn with chocolate peanuts. Unshelled.



- The idea of you suggesting it.

- You misunderstood me.



I certainly hope so. Let's not

discuss it any more. Here's our food.



- I don't feel well.

- I'll serve Mr Vandergelder.



Here is a lovely, a lovely wing, for you.



And some dumplings.

Oh, lighter than air, they are.



- That's what I need, some air.

- And some giblets.



Very, very tender and very good for you.



No, as I said before,

you go your way and I'll go mine.



Here, have some wine, you'll feel better.



Since you brought it up,

there's one thing I oughta say...



- I didn't bring it up.

- before we forget about it.



It's true, I like to manage things, but not

anything as disorderly as your household.



As out of control, as untidy. Oh, no,

Horace, you can do that for yourself.



- It is not out of control.

- Let's not say another word.



- Oh, have some beets.

- I'm not hungry and I don't like beets.



No, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless

soul like you is no sort of companion for me.



You salt your beets and I'll salt mine.

I won't say another word.



- Besides, I'm not those things you said I am.

- You're the only person that knows it.



No, Horace, I have decided to enjoy life.



You can find a housekeeper

who'll cook for a dollar a day.



It can be done, if you like cold

baked beans. I can see you now,



ending your days listening at keyholes

for fear of being cheated.



- Have some more beets. They're delicious.

- I hate beets.



There, that's the difference between us.



I'd be nagging you,

to get some spirit into you,



and the pity of it is you could be

a charming, amiable man if you wanted to.



- I don't want to be charming.

- But you are. You can't help yourself.



Listening at keyholes! You have

no right to say such things.



- At your age you ought to enjoy the truth.

- My age, you're always talking about my age.



I don't know what your age is, but with

bad temper you'll double it in six months.



Now siddown. Before we change the subject,

there's one thing I'll say.



I don't wanna hear it. You're wasting your

time. I have no intention of proposing.



Oh! I suppose you want me to ask you?

Well, I'm sorry. I'm turning you down.



How can you turn me down

when I haven't asked ya anything?



It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind.

Here, let me cut your wings.



- I don't want my wings cut.

- No man does, Horace. No man does.



I've got a headache. I'm leaving.



Oh, no, the dance competition

is about to begin.



Ladies and gentlemen, if I may

have your attention please.



It is my pleasure to announce on behalf of

the management of the Harmonia Gardens,



that our dance contest

is about to commence.



The judges for tonight's competition

are Mr Hermann Fleishacker,



Mr Llewellyn Codd,



and our special guest-of-honour

judge, Mrs Dolly Levi.






Ladies and gentlemen

who wish to participate,



will you please come to the dance floor.

To the lucky winning couple...



goes the grand prize of    silver dollars

or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens.






Everybody, dance!



- Your check, sir.

- Another bottle of champagne.



Mm! Look at him. What grace, what talent,

what a living he could earn with his feet!



- Horace, look.

- Where?



- Wait a minute.

- Oh, isn't he wonderful?



That's Ambrose Kemper, so-called artist.



- Why, so it is.

- No wonder his pictures are so awful.



- He must paint with his feet.

- He's sure to win first prize.



Ermengarde should see him now,

dancing with another girl.



- And such a pretty little thing too.

- It's shameful, that's what it is. Shameful.



Look, there's that Molloy

woman dancing with a man.



I think it's a man.



And only a few hours ago

she was waiting for me to propose.



- Shocking.

- No faithfulness left in this world.



I agree. I certainly do. And it's

very selfish that people like us



don’t jump right up and marry someone

just to set the world a good example.



My hat!






- Uncle...

- My niece!



You are a disgrace to Yonkers!



- Mr Vandergelder, the contest!

- I'll show you a contest!



Call the police!



Uncle Horace, we can explain.



Exp...? I'll give you...



Cornelius Hackl!



- What are you doing in New York?

- Delivering some oats.



Oats? With my former intended?



- You're discharged!

- You can't fire me. I quit.



So do I.



- And you're discharged!

- You can't fire me. I quit.



So do I.



I'm sorry.



Horace Vandergelder, flat on

your back you are still charming.



Cornelius, Barnaby,



perhaps there's a way I can get

Mr Vandergelder to give you back your jobs.



What? How?



I could become his wife.



- No, that's impossible.

- It is?



- Yes.

- But why, Cornelius?



- Because. That's why.

- But you have to give me a reason.



Never mind the reason. Never mind

the reason! And don't tell me to shush!



- What's going on there?

- Cornelius, quick!



Hey, you! What's all this noise?

What's happening here?



- Now, you stay out of this.

- Are you all right, Miss?



- I'll let you know.

- Young man...



I'm only trying to tell her something.



Well, it's too late and

you're disturbing the peace.



No, it's not too late. That's why I'm shouting.



For    years, my whole life,

I never did anything.



I just worked, took orders, never

went anywhere. Stayed in Yonkers.



- Yonkers?

- And today...



the most important thing that can happen

to a man, and might never have happened,



happened to me because I left Yonkers

and came to New York and met this lady.



Met her this afternoon.



Mister... just what are you talking about?



Officer, I'm talking about

none other than love.



- Love?

- Love?



Young man, are you trying to tell me

that after    years in Yonkers...



you've fallen in love with

this young lady in one day?



Oh, no, Officer, I didn't fall in love with

Miss Irene Molloy of this city in just a day.



It was much quicker than that. An hour.



No, even that's too long.

What's less than a minute?



- A second?

- Less than that.



- A moment.

- That's it.



That is it. Now, all of you, listen to me.






It only takes a moment



For your eyes to meet, and then



Your heart knows



In a moment



You will never be alone again



I held her



For an instant



But my arms felt sure and strong



It only takes a moment



To be loved



A whole life long



Isn't the world full of wonderful things?



I have lost so many things. My job, my future,

everything that people think is important,



but I don't care. Cos, even if I have to

dig ditches for the rest of my life,



I shall be a ditch-digger

who once had a wonderful day.



Mister, do you mind?

I came in late. Right after...



It only...



Takes a moment



But his arms felt sure and strong



It only takes a moment



He held me, for an instant



But his arms felt safe and strong



It only takes a moment



To be loved a whole life long



And that is all



That love's about



And we'll recall



When time runs out



That it only



Took a moment



To be loved a whole life long



Tell Rudolph not to worry

about the damage.



Just send the bill to Vandergelder's

Hay and Feed Store, Yonkers, New York.



- There's your life for you.

- I don't want to hear about it.



Without niece, without bride, without clerks.



Look, I'm tired. I've got a backache.



- That's all you have. I hope you're satisfied.

- Never mind.



There's only one thing for me to say.

I've been meaning to say it all night.



If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Levi,

never - not in a million years.



It wasn't that at all, Horace.

All I wanted to say was...



- Goodbye

- What?



- Goodbye

- What are you talking about?



Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye



Goodbye, goodbye



- Nonsense.

- Don't try to stop me, Horace, please.



Wave your little hand

and whisper "So long, dearie"



You ain't gonna see me any more



And when you discover

that your life is dreary



Don' t you come a-knockin' at my door



Cos I'll be all dolled up

and singin' that song



That says "You dog, I told you so"



So wave your little hand

and whisper "So long, dearie"



Dearie should have said "So long"

so long ago



Because you treated me

so rotten and rough



I have had enough of feeling low



So wave your little hand

and whisper "So long, dearie"



Dearie should have said "So long"

so long ago



For I can hear that choo-choo

calling me on to a fancy new address



Yes, I can hear that choo-choo calling me

on, on board that Happiness Express



I'm gonna learn to dance

and drink and smoke a cigarette



I'm going as far away

from Yonkers as a girl can get






And on those cold winter nights, Horace,



you can snuggle up to your cash register.



It's a little lumpy, but it rings.



Don't come a-knockin', I'll be

all dolled up and singin' that song



That says "You dog, I told you so"



So, Horace, you will find

your life a sad old story



You'll be living in that lonesome territory



When you see old Dolly shuffle off to glory



Oh, I should have said "So long"



How could I have been wrong?



Oh, I should have said "So long"



So long ago



Quiet! Quiet, down there,

you... little monsters.



Cornelius! Barnaby!



D'ya hear me down there?






What the devil is this?



What's this chicken mash doing all over?



Cornelius! Barnaby!



Get up here this minute

and clean up this mess.



Well, good riddance. Didn't need you

before and I don't need you now.



Ermengarde! I'm ready for my breakfast!



I want three eggs with crisp bacon,

and hot porridge with cream, and grits...



It's not fair.



It's worse than that. It's lonely.



Not in a million years, Dolly Levi.



You go your way and I'll go mine.



- Good morning, Uncle Horace.

- Good morning, Mr Vandergelder.



Oh, come crawling back, have you?



I've a good mind not to take you

but, as I'm so soft-hearted,



go get your aprons

and start cleaning up this mess.



We're not coming back to work for you.






Barnaby and I are stopping by for our money.



- You see, we've decided to go into business.

- Business?



And since the only business we know is

hay and feed, we're opening our own store.



Mrs Levi's found the perfect location for us.



- Right across the street from you.

- She wouldn't dare.



Hackl and Tucker Incorporated.



Huh! You'll last for a week.



- What about my breakfast?

- Uncle Horace,



I think you'd better start

learning how to make it yourself.



All right, all right. My conscience is clear.



A man can do only so much to keep

fools from their own natural folly.



Why, Horace Vandergelder, as I live

and breathe, how well you look today.



I just came by to return your cane,

so don't let me interrupt.



You were doing something?

What were you doing?



We were getting their money.



$   .  .



- Plus $ .   of mine.

- And the money my mama left me.



That's right. $  .  .



-    idiot.

-   ... Uncle.



All right, all right. If all you can think about at

a time like this is money, the safe is upstairs.



And I have the combination.



- You stay here.

- If you insist, Horace.



Ephraim Levi, I'm gonna get married again.



I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder.



And I'm asking your permission.



It won't be a marriage

in the sense that we had one,



but I shall certainly make him happy.



You can be sure of that.



I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder

and send his money out into the world,



doing all the things you taught me.



As you always used to say, Ephraim: "Money,

pardon the expression, is like manure."



"It's not worth a thing unless it's spread

around, encouraging young things to grow."



Anyhow, that's the opinion

of the future Mrs Vandergelder.



And, Ephraim, I'm still waiting

for that sign that you approve.



- Mr Vandergelder.

- Outside. Front and back.



Bossy, scheming, meddling,



irritating, inquisitive, exasperating.



Horace, I know you're no longer interested,



but I have found you the ideal wife.



Dolly Levi, I don't want you

to find me any ideal wife.



If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own,

and I have found her and it's you, damn it!



I know I've been a fool and I probably always

will be, but Dolly, forgive me and... marry me.



No, Horace, I...



- I don't dare. I don't dare.

- What do you mean?



Well, you know as well as I do

that you're the first citizen of Yonkers,



and your wife would

have to be a... a somebody.



You are! You are a wonderful woman.



Yes, but, uh... do you really

think I have it in me...



to forgo fancy clothes

and expensive jewels,



and instead be a benefactress

to half the town?



In other words, to be a credit to you?



Dolly, everybody knows that you

could do anything you wanted to do.



By the way, Horace, here's the money

I borrowed from you yesterday.



Keep it, keep it.



Oh, Horace.



I never thought I'd ever

hear you say anything like that.



You know it's bad business

to let 'em open a store over there?



- It was your idea.

- Let him be your partner.



And Barnaby can have Cornelius's old job.



That way we can all dance

at Ermengarde's wedding.



That does it. You've gone too far. I'll dance

at no wedding. Besides, I don't know how.



- All right, I'll dance.

- Excuse me, Mr Vandergelder.



- I said outside! Now get moving.

- Horace, what is going on around here?



Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd have

the shutters done over in forest green.



- Forest-green shutters?

- The paint's still good,



but that fellow's just set up

a business and needs a good start.



You see, Dolly, I've always felt that money,

pardon the expression, is like manure.



It's not worth a thing unless it's spread

around, encouraging young things to grow.



Thank you, Ephraim.



Hello, Dolly



Well, hello, Dolly



It's so nice to have you here

where you belong



I never knew, Dolly



Without you, Dolly



Life was awfully flat and,

more than that, was awfully wrong



Here's my hat, Horace



I'm stayin' where I'm at, Horace



Dolly'll never go away



Wonderful woman.






Put on your Sunday clothes

when you feel down and out



Strut down the street

and have your picture took



Dressed like a dream

your spirits seem to turn about



That Sunday shine is a certain sign



That you feel as fine as you look



Take the someone whose arms you're in



Hold on to her tight and spin



And one, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three, look!



I held her



For an instant



But my arms felt sure and strong



It only takes a moment



To be loved a whole life long



Yes, it takes a woman



A dainty woman



A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife



Oh, yes, it takes a woman



A fragile woman



To bring you the sweet things in life



Well, well, hello, Dolly



Well, hello, Dolly



It's so nice to have you back

where you belong



You're lookin' swell, Dolly



We can tell, Dolly



You're still glowin', you're still crowin'



You're still goin' strong



Just see the crowd swayin'



While the band's playin'



One of your old favourite songs

from way back when






Wow, wow, wow, fellas



Look at the old girl now, fellas



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never go away



Dolly'll never go away




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