High Anxiety Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the High Anxiety script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mel Brooks satire of Alfred Hitchcock movies.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of High Anxiety. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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High Anxiety Script


STEWARDESS: The captain has turned on
the No Smoking sign. Please extinguish all smoking materials. Make sure your seats are
in the upright position... ...and your seatbelts fastened
in preparation for our arrival in LA. (Dramatic instrumental music) Okay. Bye-bye, now. Thank you. Take care. Watch your step, there. Goodbye. (Woman snarling) (Screaming) THORNDYKE: No! WOMAN: Harry! I'm so glad to see you! (Woman laughing joyously) (Clearing throat) (Suspenseful instrumental music) MAN: Sir? MAN: Just a moment, please.
THORNDYKE: Yes? MAN: Just come with me, please. -What is this about?
-I'll explain in due time. Just follow me. -You've obviously made a mistake.
-We can clear this up if you'll follow me. THORNDYKE:
I hope there's an explanation for all this. I'm in the dark.
There's no reason why you should... MAN: This way, sir, please. In the toilet? THORNDYKE: I demand an explanation.
MAN: How about this? -Oh, my God!
-Do you find me attractive? -You're not a cop!
-They wouldn't take me! Excuse me. I have to run now. Why? Don't run away
from your feelings! Wait! Where are you going?
Don't be so gauche. We're all doing it! What a dramatic airport! BROPHY: Dr. Thorndyke?
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke? Hold it! Who are you? I'm Brophy. I work at the Institute.
I came to pick you up. -I'm going to be your driver and sidekick.
-How do you do? Why the picture-taking? I love to take pictures.
I'm very photogenic. I even develop them myself.
I have my own darkroom. Please hold the camera, Doc.
I'll get the trunk. THORNDYKE: Fabulous. I got it. I got it... I ain't got it! I'll get it. I got it... I ain't got it. (Loud thud) I got it... I ain't got it. (Loud thud) -Where's the car?
-Over there. -Would you mind opening the trunk?
-I'll open the trunk. THORNDYKE: I'll save us a little time. You got it. You got it... There we go. BROPHY: Doc, I sure am glad you're
taking over as the new head of the asylum. We haven't had a real chief
since Dr. Ashley died. I just hope I do as good a job
as Ashley did. -He was a brilliant psychiatric innovator.
-Yeah, innovator. When it was announced that you would
take over, Dr. Montague blew his top. Between me, you and the steering wheel... ...I guess Montague figured he had the job
tucked away in his back pocket. If you get my drift. Is that so? And then, from out of the blue... ...they go and get you, a professor
from Harvard University. No offense. None taken. Boy, I tell you, it was a real shock
to everybody when Ashley died. The guy was in tiptop shape! One can never predict a heart attack. Heart attack? Don't make me laugh. Brophy, what are you saying? If you ask me,
I think Dr. Ashley was the victim of... ...foul play. (Dramatic instrumental music) Foul play? Brophy, your imagination
is getting the best of you. Let's not forget that you are working
in a psychiatric institution... ...which is conducive to fantasy. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong. I know I'm right. (lntercom buzzes) Brophy here with the new head shrink. (Groans) (Suspenseful instrumental music) BROPHY: Well, Doc, here's your new home. WENTWORTH: Dr. Thorndyke, I am simply
delighted to meet you in person. I've read everything you've ever written
on psychiatry. Your lectures, your monographs,
your books. I'm absolutely thrilled
that you're taking over the Institute. Thank you... -Wentworth, Dr. Philip Wentworth.
-A pleasure. I've been with the Institute for two years. I just know that things are going to change
for the better now that you're here. You see, ever since Dr. Ashley died... ...strange things have been happening here. MONTAGUE: Wentworth! The eminent Dr. Thorndyke. It's a great day here at the Institute
for the Very, Very Nervous. May I say that we have been looking
forward with anticipation to your arrival. Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Dr. Charles Montague. I was in charge till now. (Bones crunching) (Diesel clears throat loudly) Allow me to introduce Nurse Diesel,
my right-hand man. Woman. DIESEL: Dr. Thorndyke. How do you do?
Charlotte Diesel. I left a complete medical file of everyone
in the Institute in your room. I'm sure you'll want to rest
before you meet the rest of the staff. Dinner is served at :
in the private dining room. Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup.
Excuse me. Dr. Thorndyke, may I say... DIESEL: Charles.
MONTAGUE: Bye. Do you see what I mean?
I'm trying to tell you... DIESEL: Wentworth!
WENTWORTH: Goodbye. BROPHY: I got it. I got it... (Loud thud) I ain't got it. (Knock on door) THORNDYKE: Come in. Thorndyke. My Richard! Professor Little-old-man! Lilloman. Lilloman. Nobody gets it right. Little-old-man, Little-old-man... Richard! (Chuckling) My best pupil.
My best student which I ever had. A patient comes to you.
He is suffering from Belden's Hysteria. He has a seizure right in your office.
What do you give him? Two cc's of aqueous Thorazine
coupled with one cc of Somadiazine. Good. And the most important thing? Never take a personal check. That's my boy. That's my good pupil. Professor, it's so good to see you.
Please, sit down. Let's talk. To sit? Ja. Richard, I am so proud of you.
So proud, my boy. Head of your class at Johns Hopkins. Associate professor at Dartmouth.
Full professor at Harvard. Winner of the Nobel Prize. And now... ...the head of the most prestigious
psychiatric institute on the West Coast. (Crying) I'm sorry, excuse me.
When you get old, you get very emotional. Oops. I blew too fast. -Here, Professor, some tissues.
-Danke schön to you. -Professor?
-Ja? -I had no idea you were working here.
-Working? Working is a big word. I'm a consultant. (Snickering) It's a fancy title for a part-time job.
I come in two hours a day. I don't bother them. They don't bother me. Your predecessor, Dr. Ashley, hired me. It is a shame he died so all of a sudden. He was going to make
some very big changes around here... ...and then... (Exhales) (Eerie instrumental music) Did you see your view outside?
Oh, it is spectacular. I've been meaning to, but I've been
so busy unpacking I haven't had a chance. Unpack another time. Come, Richard, I insist.
You come and see right now! If you insist. LILLOMAN: Come, Richard, this will be
a treat for you. Come, Ja. Is this not the perfect time
of the day? Look! -Very nice.
-Come over here. Here you can see better. -Come.
-lt's beautiful. Come here to the edge
and you can look down. Look down! (Dramatic instrumental music) (Screaming) (Shrieking) LILLOMAN: Richard! My boy, are you all right? Come back inside, my goodness! Come over here, sitzen Sie. Goodness me. Thank you, Professor. I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me. I know what came over you.
High Anxiety, you've still got it. It's probably the excitement and tension
of taking over this new post. I'm... ...sure it will pass. Bullshit! These things do not let go.
High Anxiety can be a dangerous enemy. If left unchecked,
it could cost you your life. (Dramatic instrumental music blasts) Tomorrow... First thing tomorrow, we have
our first session of psychoanalysis. My boy, I have not had you on the couch
for a long time. My boy, I promise, we will beat this thing. Goodbye. But, Professor, it is really nece... It is "nece." I know what is "nece."
Don't tell me what is "nece." I tell you what is "nece." (Door closes) (Crickets chirping) Yes, as I was saying,
it came to my attention that... ...just before Dr. Ashley's untimely death... ...he was planning to make some
very big changes here at the Institute. Do any of you know specifically
what those changes might be? Well, for one thing he wanted to change... The drapes. The drapes? The drapes. He wanted to change the drapes
in the psychotic game room. That was the extent of the big change?
The drapes? Yes, Dr. Ashley felt that color... ...has a lot to do with the well-being
of the emotionally disturbed. To some extent that is true, I imagine. MONTAGUE: Only seconds late.
You're so strict. (Slurping) Gentlemen... ...and Nurse Diesel... ...may I propose a toast?
To our new leader: Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke. Long may he reign. I thank you. (Mysterious instrumental music) (Sighing appreciatively) Yes, that's an excellent brandy. You can tell by just sniffing the aroma. It's much better
than the brandy we used to have. Dr. Montague, I'm curious. What exactly is the rate of patient recovery
here at the Institute? Rate of patient recovery?
I'll have that for you in a moment. Once in a blue moon. Once in a blue moon. Dr. Thorndyke. Unfortunately... ...the rate of recovery in the classroom... ...is much higher than it is in real life. We're dealing with sick people here,
you understand. Dangerously sick people! (Montague grunting) Dr. Thorndyke? Will you be at the Annual Psychiatric
Convention in San Francisco next week? Yes, I... I think someone should attend, don't you?
I'd be delighted to have the honor. I'm sure you'll have a nice time. Thank you. Up and down. Side, side. In and out. Side, side. Up and down. Side, side. In and out. Side, side. (Gargling) Oh, my God! "Welcome! The violent ward." BROPHY: Doc! Is everything all right? Somebody just threw
an enormous rock through my window. BROPHY: Jeez! A guy like that should be put away.
Look at the size of this thing! Here, let me get rid of it for you. I got it! I got it! Brophy, get it tomorrow. Yeah. (Rock thuds) (Distant screaming) -What was that?
-I don't know. Come on! (Fast-paced suspenseful
instrumental music) (Distant screaming) BROPHY:
It's coming from Nurse Diesel's room. Is everything all right in there?
Nurse Diesel! Are you all right? Yes? We heard some weird noises emanating
from your room. We were worried. Weird noises? It was the TV. Sorry it disturbed you. I've turned it down. Is there anything else? It is rather late. No, we were concerned. Good night. -Good night.
-Good night. -TV? Well, you could have fooled me.
-Yeah, the TV. It was probably the TV. -Good night.
-That was no TV. (Military-style instrumental music) -Who was it?
-lt was Thorndyke. -You're making too much noise.
-I can't help it, you're hurting me. -You're going too hard tonight.
-Get off it. I know you better than you know yourself. You live for bondage and discipline. (Groaning) Too much bondage. Not enough discipline! DIESEL: You want discipline?
I'll give you discipline. (Montague groaning) Yes! Yes. I'm sorry! Yes! It feels so good! (Birds chirping) (lntercom buzzes) Yes? NASAL FEMALE VOICE: Dr. Thorndyke,
Dr. Montague is here to see you. Please take your hand away
from your nose and say that again. NORMAL VOICE: Dr. Montague is here.
THORNDYKE: Thank you. Send him in. THORNDYKE: Thank you for coming.
MONTAGUE: I'm sorry I'm late. It took longer than anticipated
for my rounds this morning. THORNDYKE: Please have a seat.
MONTAGUE: Thanks. (Montague winces) THORNDYKE: I'm a little disturbed.
MONTAGUE: Yes, Dr. Thorndyke? I've studied some of these case histories
and once in a while... ...I come across a patient who behaves
in a rational and normal manner. Zachary Cartwright IIl, for instance. It seems his family is paying
$ a month to the Institute. According to this file
he should have been released months ago. Well... These case histories are really so sketchy. They hardly draw a true picture
of the patient's psychosis. Cartwright is a perfect example. One moment he can be
perfectly rational and lucid... ...the next he's a living loony tune. Do you mind if we examine him together?
He is just outside my door. Mind? Why should I mind?
After all, you're in charge here. You can examine anyone you want. THORNDYKE:
Please send Mr. Cartwright in. Thank you. THORNDYKE: Mr. Cartwright, have a seat.
You know Dr. Montague, don't you? -Hello, Dr. Montague.
-Hello, Zack. Tell me, do you know
why you're here at the Institute? Yes, I was brought in two years ago.
I was suffering from nervous exhaustion. I used to get sharp pains in my neck
and dreamt about werewolves. -Werewolves?
-Werewolves. And in the two years you've been here,
do you feel you've made any progress? I never get those pains anymore... ...and it's been months
since I had a dream about a werewolf. months since you had
your last dream about a werewolf. THORNDYKE: Tell me frankly. If you were
returned to the community today... ...could you function in a happy,
healthy, normal and productive manner? I think so. I feel pretty good. (Screams) -What's the matter?
-That pain just came back. MONTAGUE: See how unpredictable he is?
THORNDYKE: Help him to the couch. Sit right here. Put your head back.
Breathe deeply. Try to relax. MONTAGUE: Easy.
CARTWRIGHT: I'll try. This pain that you haven't experienced
in such a long time... ...has suddenly reappeared for no reason? -I don't know what it is.
-This is such a strange experience. -The pain is going away.
-Good. Breathe deeply. I feel perfectly fine. (Screams) What is it? -Cartwright, is it that same pain?
-Yes! -Let me examine you.
-No! THORNDYKE: I just want to help you! -I don't understand.
-I don't understand it, either. Relax, take it easy. (Cartwright screaming) THORNDYKE: Take it easy!
CARTWRIGHT: Go away! -Montague, what are we going to do?
-I don't know! Take it easy, Zack. (Screaming) ORDERLY: Cartwright! THORNDYKE: His feet.
ORDERLY: Got him. (Cartwright gasping) THORNDYKE: Take him back to his room.
Give him a sedative. Make it a big one. (Sighs) Sad. I've never seen anything
quite like that. -And he was doing so well.
-I know. -lt is sad, tears your heart apart.
-Yes. -There's that flashing again.
-Flashing? It started this morning and here it is again.
It seems to be coming from somewhere... -...up there.
-Yes, the North Wing. Room I'd say. It stopped. Who's in that room? MONTAGUE: A patient named Brisbane.
THORNDYKE: Brisbane. -Arthur Brisbane? The industrialist?
-Yes, I think that's the one. -How long has he been here?
-About months. months?
I didn't come across his name in the files. It must be an oversight. I'd like to meet him. But he's hopeless.
You don't want to meet him. I'd like to meet him right after lunch. All right. As you wish. -I'll arrange it for you.
-Thank you. Nurse Diesel? Dr. Montague here. Dr. Thorndyke would like to meet
Arthur Brisbane right after lunch. Good. Ou-yay ow-knay at-whay o-tay o-day. Et it-gay? MONTAGUE:
Everything will be taken care of. There it goes again. (Screaming) (Dramatic instrumental music) (Gasping) Falling. Mamma! Falling! LILLOMAN: Fight it, Thorndyke. Fight it.
You must fight it, do you hear me? Fight your fears. The only way to overcome High Anxiety
is to fight it. -Fight!
-Fight! THORNDYKE: Fight it.
LILLOMAN: Ja, fight it! -Fight.
-Good. LILLOMAN: Good. Fight it. Good, fight it.
Ja, good, that's the way to fight it! Fight it, ja. Good. (Lilloman groans) LILLOMAN: That's all right.
Get out that hostility. Good. Fight. (Lilloman groans) You want to fight? All right.
Fight if you want. Fight. I'll give you a fight you don't forget.
Come on, show me your stuff. Show me your good stuff.
All right, I'll give you... (Laughs) Come on, get up, you little punk!
Stand up and fight! Come on... MONTAGUE: Professor! What are
you doing? This is unseemly behavior. What are you doing? Stop! MONTAGUE: Come on, boys. We came
to see a fight, not a dance. Let's go. MONTAGUE:
Professor, what happened here? I put him under hypnosis.
He will be out very soon. You see, we have been running
a series of analytic sessions... ...to try to help him overcome
the very serious illness... ...known as High Anxiety. -High Anxiety?
-Ja. (Montague stifles laughter) Do you mean to say
that Dr. Richard Thorndyke... ...one of the world's
greatest psychiatric authorities... ...is suffering from High Anxiety? Ja, but you would not breathe
a word of this to anyone, would you? Professor, may I remind you
that I am also a professional? I am shocked that you would think
I'd say a word about this. Hey, everybody,
guess who has High Anxiety? (Concerned sighing) LILLOMAN: Richard?
THORNDYKE: Falling, Mamma. Falling. Mamma. Falling. Richard, I'm going to bring you out. I'm going to bring you out. I bring you out! -Richard, my boy, Richard!
-Professor! You'll never believe what I just
went through. It was horrible! I would believe. But there will be
no more sessions for a while. -So, go get yourself a little rest, my boy.
-Thank you. -Thank you, Professor.
-Ja, auf Wiedersehen. (Sighs) Let us see, here. "Mamma, I am falling." (Sighs) (Winces) MONTAGUE: Norton, this is our new chief,
Dr. Thorndyke. MONTAGUE: He'd like to see Mr. Brisbane.
NORTON: Certainly. -lt's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Thorndyke.
-Pleasure to meet you, Norton. Forgive me for prying.
What happened to your mustache? As you know, we get some very violent
patients in this wing. Last week, I guess I wasn't on my toes... ...and one of them reached out
and ripped off half of my mustache. -That must have been awful.
-You'll never know the pain. It can get quite dicey up here at times. -Well, shall we go?
-Follow me. Hey, Norton! You missing something? (Cackles) (Norton clears his throat) (Snarling sounds) (Barking) (Whining) That's Arthur Brisbane? The industrialist? (Barking) No. Down, Brisbane, down. Bad Brisbane. Sit up. All right. Don't worry, he won't bite.
Just let him smell you. -He thinks he's a cocker spaniel.
-Cocker spaniel? (Brisbane snarling) THORNDYKE: Very good. I've never seen anything like... Down! Sit! Stay! THORNDYKE: Amazing! The most complex
psychic phenomenon I've ever witnessed. I once read a paper when I was in college
about this, I think it was Otto Rank. It might have been Kraft-Ebbing.
About a woman in Vienna... ...who thought that she was an animal
of some kind, an antelope... THORNDYKE: What the hell are you...
MONTAGUE: No! Stop that! We don't do that with strangers. Bad dog! (Montague shrieks) Get his leash, Norton. (Growling) (Barking) Extraordinary! How could a creature have the wherewithal
to try to contact me by flashing a mirror? Well, cockers are very bright, you know. That's true. That's very true. (Snarling) WENTWORTH:
Please understand, I can't go on. I swear to God, I won't say a word,
but I can't take it any longer. DIESEL: You're just as much a part of this
as the rest of us. No one is quitting. Do you hear me? -No one.
-But I can't sleep at night! What we're doing is wrong.
Don't you understand, it's wrong! I've got to get out of here. I'm trapped!
I feel like I'm caught in a web. DIESEL:
Quiet, you fool! The window is open! (Foreboding instrumental music) All right. Perhaps... ...l've been too harsh. You are free to leave the Institute
this evening. Thank you, Nurse Diesel. And I promise I won't say anything
to anybody. Thank you. I know you won't. (Wentworth whimpers) I know you won't. (Truck horn blares) (Radio plays loud upbeat pop music) (Tires screeching) (Loud music continues) (Screaming) Busted eardrums? That's a very strange symptom
for a cerebral hemorrhage. According to the coroner's report,
he did suffer from a cerebral hemorrhage. THORNDYKE:
I can't go to San Francisco now. Dr. Thorndyke,
there's nothing you can do. If we receive any additional information
about Wentworth, we'll call you. It's important that you attend
the psychiatric convention. Remember... ...you are representing the Institute. Yes, enjoy yourself, for God's sake.
Get your mind off the Wentworth murder. (Thwacking) Accident. Have a good time. I did work long and hard on that speech. (Murmur agreement) I'm going. You've convinced me. Brophy! I'm looking for my camera,
I want to get one last shot. Please, Brophy, not now. BROPHY: Hold it! -Okay, let's hit the road.
-Well, see you in three days. MONTAGUE: Bye-bye.
THORNDYKE: Bye-bye. MONTAGUE: Enjoy yourself.
THORNDYKE: 'Bye. I think you punctured something
with that last shot. You do everything too hard. Too hard. Come to my room right after dinner. Not tonight. I'm too tired.
I'm going to turn in early. -I'll let you wear my underwear.
-I'll be there. BROPHY: Thorndyke and Brophy.
CLERK: Yes, sir. PORTER: Thank you. CLERK: Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke?
THORNDYKE: Yes. Sir, very good. Here we go, you're all set. Wow. Talk about modern. You and Mr. Brophy are in and . Excuse me. I thought I'd specifically
requested a room on a lower floor. -Nothing higher than three.
-We had all set for you. But a Mr. MacGuffin called
and told us to change it to the th floor. I'm sorry, we can't do a thing
about it today. We're all booked up. Come on, Doc.
It's only for a couple of nights. I guess it'll be all right. It's just... ...I really don't like high places. Dennis, will you take Dr. Thorndyke
to his room, please? DENNIS: Anything I can get you? Yes. I'd like a newspaper. I'll get you one and meet you
at the elevators. -Please don't forget. It's rather important.
-All right, already. I want to see if there's any mention
of Wentworth's death. Doc, there are the elevators. -Come on, Doc.
-I'm coming. Here we go. Straight to the top. (Thorndyke gasping) DENNIS: Quite a view, isn't it? Here we are. Top floor. Top of the hotel.
You can't get any higher. -We're pretty high.
-We know it. We know we're high. That we know. That part we know. (Gasps) (Eerie instrumental music) DENNIS: Excuse me. This way. This way, please. Right around the corner. BROPHY: Hey, Doc, look at this.
What a view. This is spectacular. I can see it from here.
It's very nice. Very nice indeed. (Screams) (Dramatic instrumental music) (Gasping) Are you all right, Doc? I'm all right, Brophy. ATTENDANT: I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know anyone was there. You fellas want to see your rooms or not? BROPHY:
(Whispering) Let's get out of here. (Brophy sighing) If you would have gone over
you'd be smashed like corned beef hash. Your brains would have splattered
all over the lobby... Brophy, please. Right here is . You're in . Here's your key.
I'll bring your bag in a minute. THORNDYKE: See you later. Thank you. -Here you go. Thank you very much.
-Thank you. -Anything else I can get you, sir?
-What happened to my newspaper? The newsstand didn't have any
and I didn't want to run around the corner. I want that newspaper.
It's very important. All right, I'll get your paper. A hassle. THORNDYKE: Don't forget.
DENNIS: All right! What's so important about a lousy,
crummy newspaper? Dennis? Dr. Thorndyke in room
just called down to remind you not... I know. Get the newspaper! Get the stinking newspaper! (Ominous instrumental music) Here! (Thorndyke gasping) Here's your paper! Here's your paper! Happy now? (Door slams) That kid gets no tip. (Knock on door) Who is it? (Knock on door) Who is it? It's not the bellboy, is it? (Knock on door) (Dramatic instrumental music) Get away from the door. (Wheezing) -Who are you?
-Get away from me. -Just a second...
-Be quiet, they'll hear you. Don't move. -Go inside. Go to your room.
-Go to my room. -The drapes! Close the drapes.
-The drapes. Close the drapes. Close the drapes. WOMAN:
Close the other one. Get down! Lower. Good. Quick, come here. Get up. Sit down. Not there, here. -Here?
-There. Will you please tell me who are you
and who are they? Quick, make believe
you know me terribly well. (Exclaims indignantly) (Door slams) What's your sign? I'm sorry, it's unlisted. Boy, you sure blow hot and cold.
No offense. Will you please tell me who you are? My name is Victoria Brisbane.
My father is Arthur Brisbane. You're the cocker's daughter? VICTORIA: Have you seen my father
at the Institute? Is he all right? He's fine. He's coming along fine.
He's very affectionate. He licked me. He what? Well, he thinks he's a dog these days. -A dog?
-Dog. Yes. -Do you mind if I smoke?
-Not at all. I see. A dog. Dr. Thorndyke, I assure you
my father is just as sane as I am. months ago,
he suffered a nervous breakdown. He went into the Institute for a rest
and has been a virtual prisoner ever since. Frankly, Doctor, I fear for his life. Miss Brisbane, I assure you
I am a competent psychiatrist. I've examined your father and I must
tell you, in my professional capacity... ...he is deeply disturbed. (Knock on door) Don't answer it. If they know I'm here,
they'll harm my father. BROPHY: You're late, they're waiting.
THORNDYKE: I'll be right down. That's Brophy, my driver. He's all right. Miss Brisbane, I'm terribly sorry.
I must go. They're waiting for me. Don't you believe what I'm telling you? It's not that I don't care.
You don't understand. I'm the principal speaker at the convention.
I must go. I'm very late. Why don't we meet later at the bar?
We'll talk about it then. Fine. Later at the bar, that's perfect. THORNDYKE: Let's go. Here we go. See? There's no one here.
There are no enemies. There's nothing to worry about. Let me see you to the elevator.
Right this way. Nice hotel, isn't it? Kind of high. (Foreboding instrumental music) (Audience chattering) May I have your attention, please? Fellow members
of the American Psychiatric Convention... ...it is a pleasure and an honor... ...to present the new head
of the Psycho-Neurotic Institute... ...for the Very, Very Nervous. Winner of the Nobel Prize for his works
in the use of chemotherapy... ...on severe psychosis. The distinguished
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke. Thank you, Dr. Colburn. Fellow analysts, psychiatrists... ...psychologists and laypeople... ...today I would like to discuss... ...some of the lesser known aspects
of Psychobiological Therapy. years ago,
psychology was akin to witchcraft. But some of these great people,
these giants behind me... ...gave us a nice living. KILLER: I don't know what they said.
I only know that they met. What do you want me to do? Kill him? If you want me to kill him, I'll kill him. I don't have to kill him,
but I'd like to kill him. I killed Ashley and Wentworth. Another
killing or two won't make any difference. It would make me happy.
I'd like to kill them both. I think it would be better
if I killed them both. Well, let me kill just one, then. Whichever one you want. All right. I'll wait. But the minute you say kill them,
I'll kill them. I'd love to kill them. It would give me immense pleasure. THORNDYKE: And so, in conclusion... ...let me reiterate... ...that there are no rules. That each patient is a supreme individual
endowed with those qualities... ...that distinguish the human being... ...from the slime from which he emerged. Thank you. THORNDYKE: Yes, Dr. Colburn. COLBURN: May I ask you a question?
THORNDYKE: Certainly. Dr. Thorndyke, you mentioned
in your address that penis envy... ...should be deemed
an antiquated psychiatric concept. Could you expand on that? THORNDYKE: Of course. Let's remember
that the term "penis envy"... ...was created in a predominantly
male atmosphere... MAN: Excuse me. Sorry I'm late. Forgive me for bringing the kids.
I couldn't get a sitter. THORNDYKE: Please, have a seat. As I was saying, in a world of
predominantly male-oriented psychology... ...it was only natural
to arrive at the term, pee... Pee... "Peepee envy. " Are you saying there's absolutely
no validity to... ...peepee envy? It has no more validity
than if a man envied a woman's... ...balloons. Dr. Thorndyke, do you feel
that the trauma of toilet training... ...has a bearing on the sexual future
of the adolescent? Toilet training. That's a vast area. Let's be more specific.
Are we talking about... ...number one or cocky-doody? For argument's sake, let's say cocky-doody. THORNDYKE:
I'd say professionally, cocky-doody... ...has very little to do with the future
sexual development of the adolescent. -Thank you.
-You're welcome. Let me backtrack for a second.
The female erogenous zone. -You mean the balloons?
-No. Lower, much lower. Where the babies come out. The woowoo. The woowoo? THORNDYKE: Yes. The woowoo. Perhaps the most significant
psychological feminine component... ...known to mankind. (Cheers and whistles) (Soft cocktail music) Here we are. A B&B and B&B&B. Thank you. Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke.
What does the "H" stand for? (Thorndyke mumbles) What? Harpo. My mother loved the Marx Brothers. She saw all their movies.
She named me Harpo. Harpo? I like it. It's very refreshing. There are certain names that you just
don't hear very often these days. -Anyway, here is to Daddy's recovery.
-To Daddy's recovery. -Feeling better?
-Dr. Thorndyke. You'll never know
how wonderful you've made me feel... ...by allowing me to visit my father. I can't believe it.
I'm actually going to see him. Miss Brisbane, I must warn you.
You may be in for quite a shock. I don't care. I just know that if I can see him and speak
with him that everything will be all right. Hey, it's song time here at the piano bar. That means I lay back and let you
come forward and sing a few songs. How about you, sir? How about you, ma'am? No? How about you, Doc?
How about giving us a tune? THORNDYKE: Me?
PLA YER: Yes. I don't sing. No. I really don't sing.
Not professionally, anyway. MAN : Come on, Doc. Give us a song.
MAN : We'd love it. MAN :
Come on. You can do it. Go ahead. It'll be fun. All right. Do you know High Anxiety? You got it. Is B flat okay? B flat? PLA YER: The key.
THORNDYKE: The key. That's fine, sure. I guess so. Sing in here? Okay. Anytime. (Piano music begins) (Sings) "High anxiety "Whenever you're near "High anxiety "It's you that I fear "My heart's afraid to fly "It's crashed before "But then you take my hand "My heart starts to soar "Once more "High anxiety "It's always the same "It's you that I blame "It's very clear to me "I've got to give in "High anxiety "You win" -Hiya, Tex. Where are you from?
-Cincinnati. Great town. Love that big, red machine. Ease up on the linguine. (Audience chuckle) Hello, young lovers, whoever you are... What do I spy? A little grain of rice.
Newly married? This morning. This morning, folks.
And they said it wouldn't last. (Audience chuckle) THORNDYKE: "But then you take my hand "My heart starts to soar "Once more" Key change. "High anxiety "It's always the same "It's you that I blame "It's very clear to me "I've got to give in "High anxiety" And remember, folks. Be good to
your parents, they've been good to you. "You win" (Thorndyke sighs) Jeepers, Richard, that was terrific. -Thank you.
-I am so impressed. -Ever thought of singing professionally?
-No. The big bucks are in psychiatry. -lt's so much more emotionally rewarding.
-Exactly. -To help people.
-Exactly. Would you excuse me for a moment? I'll be right back.
I just have to go to the little girls' room. Of course. THORNDYKE: Let me get this.
VICTORIA: Sorry. THORNDYKE: Here you go.
VICTORIA: Thank you. Forgive me for prying,
but who is this gentleman? What are you talking about? That's Daddy. Are you trying to tell me that this man
is Arthur Brisbane, your father? Of course. This is not the man I met at the Institute. Something is very, very wrong. MONTAGUE: What are we going to do?
This is serious. He knows. He's seen the picture. He knows that's not the real Brisbane
we showed him. More coffee, please. Charlotte, what will we do? We'll have to kill him.
We'll have to let him kill him. That's all we need now. Another killing.
Give me a cookie. First Ashley, then Wentworth. We can't kill Thorndyke without
the police suspecting something. MONTAGUE: Pass me the cream, please. What are we going to do?
Supposing he goes to the police? I've thought of that. He won't go to the police
if he can't go to the police. MONTAGUE:
I don't understand. Sugar, please. What do you mean if he can't
go to the police? Why can't he? Because the police will be looking for him. Why would the police be looking for him? Because Thorndyke... ...is going to kill somebody. DIESEL: Here. Finish your strudel. Here are the keys. Weren't you supposed
to check out tomorrow? I don't know.
Early this morning, the doc called. Said we have to get back to the Institute. This joint is really luxurious.
I have to take a few shots. -Do you mind?
-Not at all. You got some joint, here.
Let me take it now. I like this joint. It's beautiful. It's terrific. It's gorgeous. That's beautiful. The elevators. Good. Dr. Thorndyke. Dr. Thorndyke. I hear you're leaving.
What about the seminar this afternoon? (Screaming) (Fast-paced dramatic instrumental music) (Elevator dings) Dr. Thorndyke? Yes? Here's a little present for you. (Dramatic instrumental music) What is this? Who are you? (Sinister cackle) Why are you... Wait! Who are you? What does this mean? What does this mean? (Woman screams) That's the man!
That's the man who shot him! No, wait. You don't understand.
This is not my gun. Oh, my God. The man is dead. I didn't... He shot him, I'm sure. He took off a mask. He took off my face. This was given to me by somebody
who looked just like me. This is me! This is me's gun, not mine. Gentlemen, don't go for your guns.
I'm a psychiatrist. I can help you. We can discuss this. We're rational... Doc! Why did you do it? Why did you do it? No, I'm all right. I'm just fine. I'm at the Golden Gate Park. Meet me in a half hour
at the North by Northwest corner. Yes. Good. (Pigeons cooing) (Whistling a tune) (Panting) (Murmuring disapproval) (Gasping) Richard, the world has gone crazy.
Nothing makes any sense anymore. I don't know what to believe
or not to believe. My life is just all topsy-turvy.
One minute you're singing love songs. The next minute you're pumping
bullets into an innocent man. Then it is not you.
It is the other Thorndyke. How much more can a girl take?
My nerves are cracking. I feel like I'm going to die.
I think I am going to explode! THORNDYKE: Vicky! Take it easy, darling. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm just so close to my menstrual cycle
that I could scream. (Growls loudly) Vicky, please. We've got to think. The only way out
is to prove I didn't commit that murder. Well, how?
Would you look at today's paper? Now that is you pulling the trigger.
That is nobody but you. THORNDYKE: Who took this picture?
How did they get it? Brophy. My buddy, Brophy. Wait a minute! I was coming down in the elevator
at the time of the shooting. Here is the elevator. Here is me. THORNDYKE: See that dot?
VICTORIA: But that figure is so tiny. It's unrecognizable. Brophy has the negative.
You've got to contact Brophy. Have him blow up this negative
and prove that's me in the elevator. No, he left this morning.
He's probably back at the Institute by now. How can you get excited
at a time like this? Don't get me wrong.
It's not that I'm not titillated. We've got to separate. Gosh, you're fickle. We can't stay together. We can't be seen.
Listen, go back to your hotel room. Call Brophy. Get him to blow up
that negative. I'll call you later. (Buzzing) BROPHY: Yeah. It's coming. Holy Toledo, you're right!
There is a figure in the elevator. I think it's the doc. This has to be much, much bigger. I have to keep enlarging it
until we can clearly see the doc's face. Call me in an hour. (Slow dramatic instrumental music) BROPHY: That's the doc. DIESEL:
Good work. Very good work, Brophy. Unfortunately, it will never be seen. We've got to destroy the negative.
Give us the negative, Brophy. You'll never get it. Never, do you hear me? You'll never get this. I'd rather die first. MONTAGUE: Norton? Here. You fool. That negative has been on the front page
of every newspaper in San Francisco. They can enlarge it as well. You're right. I never thought of that.
We've got to think. I've got it! We have to buy every single
newspaper in San Francisco. We'll need about $ worth of change. The first thing I want you to do
is get a truck. A big truck. Then you go around to all the newspaper...
All the stands. You put the paper... -Perhaps it's not a good idea.
-lt sucks. Norton, take our good friend
Mr. Brophy, here... ...to the North Wing. You see, darling... ...it's not the negative that has to be
destroyed, it's Dr. Richard Thorndyke. I think we'd better call our friend
in San Francisco with the tin teeth. I get so hot when you're bad. (Montague groans) (Electronic beeping) Excuse me. (Telephone rings) Diesel, here. OPERATOR:
I have a collect call from San Francisco. Yes, I'll accept the charges. Hello, it's me. What do you want? Hello, Braces?
I have a little present for you. You may kill Thorndyke. Thank you. I really appreciate this.
I really do. Thank you. (Breathing heavily) Life is good. (Suspenseful instrumental music) (Telephone rings) (Gasps) Hello? (Heaving breathing on phone) Listen, mister.
I don't go for this sort of thing. (Gasping on phone) I know a lot of the other girls
are turned on... ...by these kinky phone calls,
but I couldn't care less. How did you get my room number? (Groaning on phone) I am not going to listen to any more
of this. I've had just about enough... (Groaning continues) What are you wearing? Jee... Jeans? You're wearing jeans? I bet they're tight. Oh, my God. (Breathing heavily) (Groaning) You are an animal. Vicky. Victoria. It's me, Richard. Richard. I knew it was you all the time.
I just went along with it. (High-pitched laughter) I laughed. Did you laugh? Victoria, I just killed a man. Another one? Listen, Richard,
you've got to get a grip on yourself. THORNDYKE: You don't understand.
I killed the man... ...who killed the man in the lobby.
Never mind. Did you reach Brophy? I did and he said there was
a figure in the elevator... ...and that it might be you and he
was enlarging it until he was certain. Then I waited for one hour and called back. And? VICTORIA:
And they said that he wasn't there. Oh, my God, they know. They know everything.
They've got Brophy. They've got the picture. What are we going to do?
How can we prove you're innocent? We have to get back to the Institute
and find your father. We must expose Diesel and Montague
for what they are. VICTORIA: How'll we leave town? The police are absolutely all over the place. Go to the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army? Are they good at this sort of thing? No! Go to the Salvation Army and get... VICTORIA: Richard. Wait a minute. THORNDYKE: What is it?
VICTORIA: I can't go through with this. I'm sorry, I just... Look at this clothing. What makes you think
we're actually going to sneak by? Victoria, if we do it just the way
we rehearsed it, it will work. Remember, we're not sneaking by.
We have to be loud and annoying. If you're loud and annoying,
psychologically, people don't notice you. Come on. We can do it.
Loud and annoying. VICTORIA: (ln Russian accent)
I can't carry this no more. (ln Russian accent)
Celery? You had to buy in San Francisco? You can't get it by the market
near our house? Excuse me,
I bought the celery in case on the plane... ...they wanted to serve you a Bloody Mary. A Bloody Mary? Well, I don't like the Bloody Mary
they serve on the plane. No, sir. It's too burning. They don't even put tomato juice,
they put snappy peppy. Murray Weintraub, remember him? Morning, noon and night he drank
the Bloody Marys with the peppy snappy. You know where he is now?
Dead from that. Murray Weintraub is not dead.
Murray Weintraub is alive. No! VICTORIA:
Morris Turtletaub you're talking about. The one from Great Neck
who walks sideways like this. (Muttering nonsensically) No, sir. Morris Turtletaub
didn't walk like that. Morris Turtletaub, to my memory,
walked just like this. (Muttering nonsensically) A little irregular. THORNDYKE: Couldn't help himself.
Come on, let's get out of here. VICTORIA: Slowly.
THORNDYKE: Don't push! VICTORIA: Come on.
THORNDYKE: Don't push. Sir, will you please put your bags up here? -What?
-Please put you bags right up here. -What do you need it for?
-We have to X-ray them, sir. You have to X-ray? Here. You want to X-ray the celery?
You think we're smuggling dope in here? -Celery is not for dope it's for dip.
-Sir, others are waiting. -All right, go ahead. You go.
-I can't. I'm scared. For God's sake, go through already. Wait a minute. Is this one of those blowers that blows
up the skirt, gives a free show? THORNDYKE: Take a chance, go through.
Don't make trouble at the airport. (Victoria whimpering) VICTORIA: Okay, come on, Sam. THORNDYKE: All right. Here I go, folks. VICTORIA: Sam! (Victoria makes high-pitched
whining sound) What? (Victoria whines) Well... ...here I go. (Electronic beeping) Is this a game show?
What did I win, a Pinto? MAN: We have to search you. Please, sir. What did I do? -What's my crime?
-You beeped. I beeped! Take me away. Take me back to Russia.
Put me in irons. I beeped! The mad beeper is loose. Take away the beeper. Put me away. POLICEMAN: It's all right. Please, just go. Thank you. -Richard, you were absolutely brilliant.
-You were wonderful yourself. Come on. (Slow instrumental music) Professor Lilloman? Professor. (Dramatic instrumental music) VICTORIA: Oh, my God. He's dead! Dead? Who's dead?
Somebody died? Where? -Professor, we thought you were dead.
-I sleep that way. It scares the hell out of everyone. Professor, have you seen my father? Your father? Who are you? Forgive me. This is Victoria Brisbane.
Her father is Arthur Brisbane. -This is the cocker's daughter?
-Yes. How do you do? I'm sorry for you. Professor, please, Brophy. We are looking for Brophy.
It's important that we find him. Brophy. I'm sorry to have to tell you,
but Brophy was taken to the North Wing. What? According to Montague,
the poor chap had a mental breakdown. -Mental breakdown?
-Yeah. Brophy is not smart enough
to have a mental breakdown. The North Wing. -Come on, we have to go.
-I go with you, perhaps I can help. THORNDYKE: Come on, hurry. (Suspenseful instrumental music) THORNDYKE:
Brophy, have you seen Brisbane? Where is Brisbane? I'm sorry. -Where is he?
-They took him to... (Shrieking) Norton's taking him up to the tower. Oh, my God! BROPHY: He's drugged. They're going to
throw him off, like a suicide. VICTORIA: Dad. THORNDYKE: Come on, let's go. (Dramatic instrumental music) LILLOMAN: There! Look! VICTORIA: Daddy. Richard. -Do something.
-I'll try. (Lightning crackles) (Thorndyke sighs) I can't. What is it? He suffers from High Anxiety.
It strikes one out of seven. BROPHY: Don't worry, Miss. I'll stop him.
LILLOMAN: I go, too. Oh, God. I feel like such a... Coward? Yeah. (Panting) I can't go on. BROPHY: I got him! I ain't got him. LILLOMAN:
Where can we go? What can we do? -I've got to save him.
-No. He'll kill you. I'm going to go up. (Eerie instrumental music) (Gun thuds on stairs) (Cracking) (Screaming) He's going to fall! (Dramatic instrumental music) (Thorndyke gasps) Hold on! Pull yourself up! You can do it! I can't hang on! That's it! Richard, listen to me! I have researched your case.
I know what's giving you the High Anxiety. I have found the answer. Go back in your mind. Go back. You are a little baby. Your mother and father are fighting.
They're always fighting. They're fighting about you. (Baby babbling) FATHER:
I hate this kid! He's making us prisoners! We're trapped in this house!
We can never go out! What do you want me to do?
Get rid of him? Is that what you want? Shut him up! Shut him up! I can't take it! MOTHER: He's falling! I understand now. It's not height I'm afraid of. It's parents! Ja. Now climb, you son-of-a-bitch. Climb! (Triumphant instrumental music) LILLOMAN: Come on, Doc. You can do it. LILLOMAN: He's almost at the top. Hurry, Richard. (Uplifting instrumental music) Come on, Doc. (Dramatic instrumental music) Norton. THORNDYKE: Oh, my God. -Mr. Brisbane, are you all right?
-Yes, I'm all right. Get down the stairs. Thank you. You saved my life. Thank God it's over. (Diesel screaming) (Dramatic instrumental music) (Shrieking and cackling) (Montague gasps) Fins. I give up. I never really liked her. She never bathed. But I like you, I'll be on your side.
I'll do anything you say. I'm good at that. If I don't behave
you can beat the living crap out of me. I wouldn't mind. (Montague screams) BROPHY:
Are you all right? We saw a figure fall. That was Nurse Diesel,
she went out this window. VICTORIA: Daddy, I love you.
BRISBANE: My baby. BROPHY: My boss. THORNDYKE: Brophy.
LILLOMAN: My Richard. Professor. -You saved my life.
-Ja. You saved my life. Who are you? Dad. This is the man I'm going to marry. THORNDYKE: Jeepers, Vicky.
VICTORIA: Isn't he a dreamboat? (Whimsical instrumental music) Goodbye, Dad. (Victoria shrieks gleefully) (Both sighing) I absolutely love my new name. Mrs. Victoria Harpo Thorndyke. Mrs. Dr. Victoria Harpo Thorndyke. Yes. Doctor? I'm having this problem. Problem? Well... ...maybe we should examine the situation. DIRECTOR: Nice shot.
Pull the camera back slowly. CAMERAMAN: We're going too fast,
we're going to hit the wall. CAMERAMAN: Now what do we do? DIRECTOR: Never mind. Keep pulling back.
Maybe nobody will notice. (Thorndyke singing High Anxiety)
Special help by SergeiK