Home On The Range Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Home On The Range script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie by Disney with the cows.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Home On The Range. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Home On The Range Script


          [Music playing]

          COWBOY, WHISTLING: Hyah!

             COWBO YS:    Out in the land

             Where the men    are tough as cactus

             Out in the land where    the wild, wild west was won

          Uhh! Ahh...

             Out in the land    of the desperado

             If you're soft    as an avocado

             Yee-haw!    You're guacamole, son

             Oh, home,    this ain't it, pal

             Home, home,    home on the range

             Home, home,    better go git, pal

             You ain't    home on the range

             Out in the land where    the weak are target practice

             Out in the land where    they shoot the mild and meek

           Ooh! Aah!

               Out where the bad    are a whole lot badder

               If you're the type    with a nervous bladder

               Yip! Yow!    Your saddle's gonna reek

               'Cause you ain't    home on the range

               Cowboy,    you're really up a creek

               Home, home,    home on the range

               Home, home,    home on the range

               Home, home,    home on the range

            COWBOY: Howdy, sheriff!



               MAGGIE:    Home on the range.

               Once upon a time,    I had a home on the range.

               But not anymore.

               Well, it's no use    cryin' over spilled milk.

               Speakin' of which, that's me.

               I'm the cow.

            [Fly buzzing]

               Yeah, they're real.

               Quit staring.

               I'm sort of between homes    right now.

               I lost my old place...

               thanks to the meanest bunch of    cattle rustlers in the west...

               Alameda Slim    and the Willie Brothers gang.

            "COWBO Y:" "Ooh-ee"


               MAGGIE: Somehow,    they stole the whole herd...

               right out    from under our noses...

               and then they disappeared    without a trace.



               MAGGIE: After that...

               poor old Abner couldn't    afford to keep the place...

               or me, either, for that matter.

               Well, no matter how bad    things get...

               there's probably somebody    worse off.


               That guy, for instance.

               ABNER: Hey, Maggie.

            Take a look at your new home.

               MAGGIE: Hey! A dairy farm?

               Now we're talkin'!

               Hope it's not one of them    fat-free places.

            [Upbeat music playing]

               K.D. LANG:    I know a place

               Pretty as pie

               Out where the river bend

               Hits up    with the end of the sky

               It's left of Nebraska

               And over a crest

               On a little Patch of Heaven    way out west

               Everything's green

               Know what I mean?

               Darlin', it's quite    the sweetest sight

               That you ever done seen

               Ain't nothin' much    out there

               Just life at its best

               On a little Patch of Heaven    way out west

               Bees by the dozen

               Are buzzin' real peaceful

               Every bluebonnet,    doggone it, smells nice


               Even    the tumblin' tumbleweed

               Slows down    to match your speed

               On my tiny half an acre    of paradise

               Darlin', I swear

               Once you been there

               There ain't a view    beneath the blue

               That could ever compare

               The only thing missing

               Is you as my guest

               On a little Patch of Heaven    way out west

               Why don't you come visit?

               There's room in the nest

               On that little    Patch of Heaven

               Way out we-e-e-e...


               ... e-e-e-est


            Wah! Aaah! Ooh! Uhh!

            Oh! Uhh!

            Hey, that's my boy.

               PIGGIES: Can hog! Can hog!

            JEB: Don't yell at me.

            Oh. The call of duty.

            Why don't you handle this one, Grace?

            It's time I gave you more responsibility on the farm.

            [Pop] Really?

            Thanks, Mrs. C. I'll make you proud.

            Can hog! Can hog!

            Get off my case, little cocktail wieners!

               GRACE: Whoa, whoa!

            I'm sensing a lot of negative energy here.

            That's our can, and Jeb took it.

            And now he says it's his can.

            Now, let's not play the shame and blame game.

            This is an organic problem, and there's a holistic solution.

            You don't get this whole farm concept, do you, sister?

            Kill the goat!

            [All shouting]

            - Give it! - Get the can!

            - Ahem. - We're sorry, Mrs. Caloway.

            Piggies, why can't you leave Jeb alone?

            Yeah! Why can't you?

            The poor old goat needs peace and quiet.

            That's right! I need it!

            So, run along, and take your can with you.

            Yeah, you take that can and...

            Hey! Whoa! Come back here, you little bacon bits!

            Jeb, don't you have enough cans of your own?

            Uh, no, not really.

            I'd be happy to take her in, Abner.

            There's always room for one more.

            Well, thanks, Pearl.

            I gotta warn you, though.

            She's... heh heh... she's a bit headstrong.

            PEARL: Oh, now, don't you worry, Abner.

            I'm sure she'll fit right in.

            So long, Pearl. You take care, now.

            Mrs. Caloway! Oh! Mrs. Caloway! Mrs. Calo...

            [Gasps] Mrs. Caloway, there's a newcomer at the gate.

            - Not now, Audrey. - But it's a great big...

            Everybody? This here is Maggie.

            [Tires screech]

            [Rock music playing]


               PEARL: Three-time winner    of the Golden Udder Award...

               and the original    Miss Happy Heifer.

            A show cow?

            On Patch of Heaven?


               PEARL: Now, I want y'all    to make her feel right at home.

            You hear me?

            Hey, thanks, everybody.

            It's great to be here in Patch of Heaven.

            Now, don't everybody speak at one time.

               What is this,    the frozen food section?

            [Echoes] Is this thing on?


            Ahem. Good morning, uh, Margaret.

             What a wonderful surprise...

              to find a fellow bovine joining the ranks.

              [Mock coughing] Phony.

              [Honk] Ooh!

              - I'm Mrs. Caloway. - Hi.

              - And this is Grace. - Hi.

              No applause and trophies here, I'm afraid.

              Just the fruits of our good, honest labor.


              Workin' stiffs, huh?

              Boy, I remember those days.

              Wow! You're the biggest cow I have ever saw.

              Well, if you're in charge, I'll take that as a compliment.

              - Uh... - And if you're not...

              I guess I'll just have to sit on you.


              Hey, I'm only kidding!

              Say, what is this you've got jammed up in your ear?


              Here, have an apple, kid.

              Don't go near any luaus, though.

              Wait a minute.

              I got somethin' stuck in my ear.

              This one's for me.


              Ahh! That was good.

              ALL: Awesome!

              Do it again! Do it again!

              Come on, come on! Do it again! Do it again!

                 DILLON:    Oh! That's so cool!

              Maggie's some fun, isn't she?

              Ohh. Teaching pigs to throw food.

                 As if they weren't    sloppy enough.

              I'm goin' long!

              Heh heh heh.



              [All burping]

              Whoa! Whoa!

              Dagnabit, Buck, slow down!

              MAGGIE: OK, who's up for a game of tin-can tag?

              Hey! That can is a family heirloom.

              Whoever wins is gettin' a free tetanus shot! OK?

              BUCK: Superstar comin' through!

              ALL: Awesome!

              - No autographs, please. - I got your autograph, pal! Ow!

              Who's the hotshot?

              - Oh, it's Buck. - Puh! City slicker.

              SHERIFF: Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Dagnabit, Buck!

              Take it easy. This ain't no rodeo.

              Why, good morning, Sam. Heh heh.

              Is that ornery horse gettin' away from you again?

              Oh, uh, howdy, Pearl.

              I came out to bring you another bank notice.

              This one'll be the last.

              You know, every time I get a weak harvest...

              they send me one of these here notices.

              They'll get their money soon enough.

                 SHERIFF: It's a whole new    shootin' match now, Pearl.

                 The bank's callin' in    everybody's debt.

              They're losin' money somethin' fierce...

                 with all the cattlemen    goin' under.

              I'm tellin' you, if they don't get their money in three days...

              they're gonna auction off Patch of Heaven.


              [Gasps] No.

              But... they can't take my place.

              Why, I've been here through twisters, blizzards.

              Sam, uh...

              Sam, this is my home.

              I'm sorry, Pearl. I'm truly sorry.

              Yeah, well...

              "sorry" just ain't gonna save my farm.

              Well, Buck, I hope you're proud of yourself.

              As a matter of fact, I am. Thank you for checking.

              You know, Pearl, it don't have to be this way.

                 You've got the best livestock    in the county.

              All you gotta do...

              is just sell off a few of these critters...

              Stop right there, Sam.

              They're family. You don't sell family.

              Ho-ho-hold your horses, Pearl.

              Now you get, before I start using words...

              no good woman should ever use.

              - Don't bust your gusset, woman! - Go on, Sam!

              It is still my property! Now get!

              I said, get!

              I was just tryin' to help!

              Oh. Oh.

              That sure took the starch right out of me.


                 PEARL: I am sorry, girls.

              I'm just plum out of ideas.

              [Somber music playing]

              Well, I think we all know what happens now.

              Well, I think we all know what happens now.

              - Uh, Jeb, don't start. - Now we all get eaten.

              - Jeb? - What? What?

              You don't think people in town eat animals?

              But who would eat a chicken? Heh heh.

              Come on, guys. There must be something we can do.

              What? What could we do?


              - This just isn't fair. - Fair!

              [Gasps] Good call, Curly!

              - Ollie. - Ollie.

              Uh, what is?

              Listen. What would you say if I told you...

              that you could win big money...

              and see beautiful downtown Chugwater...

              if you went to the County Fair?

              ALL: Ohh.

              Thank you for your input, but...

              Come on! Let the new cow talk!

              ALL: New cow! New cow! New cow!

              Come on, Mrs. C. You've got a real good-lookin' bunch here.

                 I see some real potential.

              Aw, shucks.

              Now, the fair is two weeks away.

              I say we go to town, butter up that sheriff's horse...

              and get him to give us more time.

              What are we waitin' for, Maggie? Let's go.

              That's right. What do you say, Caloway?

              Bah! Absolutely not.

              I will not abandon Pearl in her hour of need...

                 for such a ridiculous plan.

              She would be devastated if she found us missing.

              As far as I'm concerned, that's not an option.

              All right. Suit yourself.

              Come on, Grace. We've got a farm to save.

              Oh, you'll have to excuse her. She's just a little tense.

              Tense. What's her specialty, sour cream?

              [Scoffs] Going to town.

              Of all the ill-conceived i...


              Now, don't look at me so crossly.

              I know what you're going to say...

                 that Maggie and Grace    will need someone...

                 with my eye for detail...

                 to keep them    on the straight and narrow.

              [Sighs] Say no more. I'll go.

              Now, tut tut. No mushy good-byes, my little ones.

              You know how I get about overly emotional displays.

                 Ahem. Ladies?

                 GRACE: Mrs. C.

              [British accent] Well, what made you change your mind?

              - I'd rather not talk about it. - It's a chick thing.

              [All tweeting]

                 AUDREY: Good luck, girls!

              - See ya! - Bye!

              - They're stew meat. - Hurry back!

              [Music playing]


              GRACE, OFF-KEY: "She'll be"    comin' 'round the mountain

                 She'll be comin'    'round the mountain

                 She'll be comin' 'round...

              She better hurry up around that mountain...

              'cause I cannot take this much longer.

              Maggie, may I be frank?

              Only if you let me wear the hat.

              Ahem. Lowbrow remarks may work for you...

              but we prefer the gentle approach.

              Well, she better stick a sock in it soon.

              The vultures are starting to circle.


              Hey, she's not dying!

              You sure? We could wait around!

                 ... no, nothing,    when she sees Grandma

                 No more food for her

              We'll keep you posted!

              False alarm, Clem!

              Roger dodger, out like the wind!

              Hey, Maggie, Mrs. C? How do we find...

              the sheriff's office when we get into town?

              Elementary, my dear Grace.

              If we find Buck, we find the sheriff.

              That horse is a legend in his own mind.

                 MAGGIE: Ah ha ha ha ha!

                 MAGGIE: Ah ha ha ha ha!

              [Dramatic western music playing]

              So, you think you got the drop on me?

              Well, think again.


                 Wah! Wah!


              Yah-hoo! Hyah!





              [Bonk] [Ptoo, ptoo, ptoo]

              Haaay! Jump back! Kiss myself! [Kiss]

                 VOICE:    Buck. Earth to Buck? Buck!

              [Whistles] It's your move.



              Ohh... great.


              You were sleep-fighting again. Almost threw a shoe.

              Ohh. Sorry. Heh.

              It just... it seems like all the other horses...

              are out there fighting bad guys and takin' names!

              [Kung fu screams]

              Uhh! Who put this here?

              Oh, Buck, this ain't no Dodge City...

              but we get our share of excitement.

                 MAN: Hey, sheriff!

                 Been waitin' a long time    to give you this!


              Oh, howdy, Morse. What you got there?

                 Hmm. "Got Evil Eye Joe. Stop.

              "Bringing him today. Stop.

              Have money ready. Signed, Rico."


              Ha! Oh, yeah! Rico caught another one already.

              Might as well give him the key to my safe.

              You hear that, Rusty? Rico's comin'.

              Yeah, Rico. I'm old. I ain't deaf.

              Boy, wouldn't that be the life?

              Ridin' with Rico, cleanin' up the west.

              Kickin' bad-guy behind! Whoo! Wah-yah!

              Watch out, sucker! [Kung fu shouts]

              All right, girls. We're goin' in.

              [Gasps] Look! There's no fences.

              What keeps the people from roaming?

                 MRS. CALOWAY:    They appear to be domesticated.

              It doesn't feel dangerous at all.

              It's perfectly safe. Quiet as a farm at milkin' time.

              [Boom] What was that?

              It's a gunfight!

              [All mooing]




              - Aah! Hit the dirt! - Who lives like this?

              GRACE: What do we do? What do we do?

              MRS. CALOWAY: Look, there's a star on that door!

              MAGGIE: That must be the sheriff's office.

                 Move, ladies! Move!

                 Swivel your hips, ooh!    Give 'em a grind

                 Shimmy and shake    and leave your troubles be...

              [All scream]

              [Screaming] [Mooing]

              - Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

              - Whoa! - Get those cows off the stage!


              Maybe we came at a bad time.

              Charge! [Gasps]

              [Moo] Uhh!

              Oh! Oh!

              - Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

              - How dare you? - Oh!


              - Aaaah... uhh! - Uhh!

              - Daddy? - Son!



              [Ding, bonk]

              I say! Aah!

              Aah! Oh! Ow! What did I do?

              [All shouting]

                 WOMAN: That does it!

                 Hoof it on out of here, ladies!

              - Go on! - Oh, come back!

              That was the best dang show we ever had!

              Aw, you've been on the trail too long, you old coot.

              Ohh. What kind of sheriff's office is that?

              Dancing girls, gambling...

              Ha! How does he ever get any work done?

              If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks.

              [Maggie laughs]

              Well, if it isn't three maids a-milkin'.

              You girls a little far from home, aren't ya?

              Well, if it isn't the phony express.

              We want a word with you about this.

              - What's that? - What is that?

              I believe you left this on our farm.

              Wai... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

              The place went bankrupt. Your farm is history.

              Don't you heifers get it?

              Hold on, you two!

              Give us two more weeks...

              and we'll have at least sixty bucks in prize money to...

              Ah-ah-ah. You got three days to pay or get on your way.

              And sixty bucks don't cut it.

              Looks like you need about... [Sniffing]

              Hmm, I'd say... [Sniffing]

              Seven hundred and fifty of 'em.

              But, Maggie, where are we gonna get all that money?

              Well, maybe Maggie can just pull it out of her ear.

              Hey, watch it, Caloway.



              [Gulp] [Gulp]

              - Rico. - Rico.


              - Rico. - Rico.

              [Wind howling]


              [Horse snorts]

              Who is that?


              - Shh. - Sorry.


              Don't you know a hero when you see one, huh?

              That's Rico...

              the best dang bounty hunter this side of the Pecos.

              [Laughs] I could guess from here to tomorrow...

              but I don't know how you do it, Rico.

              - Mmf! - Where's my money?

              Well, all right, I got it right here for you.

              Hey, they're giving away free money!

              Oh! Maggie!

              So, who else is out there?

              The only varmint left...

              is that low-down, good-for-nothin' Alameda Slim.

              Cattle rustler. [Gasps]

              - What's the bounty? - $   .

              [Ka-ching] I got it!

              Why don't we go nab that Alameda Slim...

              and use the reward money to save the farm?

              Oh, that is a sensible idea.

              I knew you'd love it!

              Tch. Don't they have sarcasm where you come from?

              Oh, wake up and smell the alfalfa! It's perfect!

              I'm gonna need a fresh horse.


              Hmm, a horse. A horse.

              Let me think.

              I reckon you'd want a fast horse, huh? Real fast?

              Course, he'd also have to be able to go...

                 for days    without food or drink...

                 stealthy,    sure-footed in any terrain...

                 Well, huh...

              - Look at me! - What about that horse?

              [Chuckles] What, you mean Buck here?

              - Eee! - Boy, I don't know.

              Buck's fast, all right, but he's kind of a handful.

              - He'll do. - Well, suit yourself.

              [Squeals] Hey, Rusty!

              Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle!

              [Squeaking] I'm wearing Rico's saddle!

              Great. I'll leave you two alone.

              Ohh, oh, no. No, no, no.

              There is no way in heaven or earth...

              that cows can catch an outlaw.

              Look, all we've got to do...

              is follow this chuck wagon to a cattle drive.

              Ahh. And then, you see...

              we let the bad guys come to us.

              Oh! We've no reason to believe...

              this chuck wagon is heading off to a cattle drive.

              Hey, Tommy! Have fun on that cattle drive!

              All right, then. Mm-hmm.

              I think it is headed toward a cattle drive.

              Shh. We are not following this wagon, and that is final.

              Come on, Caloway. It'll be fun!

              - Did you just hit me? - Kinda.

              - Well, stop it. - Why?

              Because I don't like it.




              Oh, no. Not the hat.

              What? What about the...

              Unh! [Splat]



              All right, all right...

              violence is not going to solve anything.

              Why don't we all take a deep cleansing breath...

              - Yaah! - Yaah!


              Hey, now! Mud wrestling!

              Ha ha! Hey, hey! Watch the saddle!



              What in tarnation?

              Maggie, for the last time...

              I will not be roped into this scheme.

              Come on, you crazy heifers!

              Come on! Dagnabit!

              Hey, partner, curb your livestock.

                 This town is clean!

              [Speaking Chinese]



              Not exactly what I had in mind, but this'll work.

              Well, it doesn't work for me!

              Adios, Buck. Take care of Rico now.


              Hasta la vista, heifers! Hoo hoo!

                 GRACE, OFF-KEY:    Oh, give me a home

                 GRACE, OFF-KEY:    Oh, give me a home

                 Where the buffalo roam

                 And the deer... ahem...    and the antelope pla-a-ay

                 Where seldom is heard

                 A discouraging word

                 And the skies    are not cloudy all day


                 Home, home on the range

              - Sold! - What was that?

              MAGGIE: It's a farm auction, ladies.

                 AUCTIONEER: And that's the last    of the furniture. [Bang]

                 The final item    to be auctioned...

                 is this piece    of real property...

                 known heretofore    as the Dixon farm.

                 Do I hear    ?    !    Do I hear    ?    ?

              What's going to happen to the cow who lived there?

              She'll be OK.

              - How do you know? - You're lookin' at her.

              - This was your farm? - Mm-hmm.

              We had, like, a family, too, you know.

              - What happened? - Alameda Slim happened.

              [Evil laughter echoing]


              [Laughter echoing]

              Sold to Mr. Yancy O'Del!

              Pleasure doing business with you.


              [Playing harmonica]

                 MAGGIE:    Cattle drive. Told ya.

                 You both owe me a dollar.

              Step lightly, girls.

              The male of the species can be extremely hostile.

              Oh, come on, Caloway.

              It's not like they haven't seen a cow before.

              Mmm? Ohh...

              Hey, Barry.

              - What? Huh? - Check it out.

              Ooh, dairy cows!

              ALL: Oooh!

              Oh, hey, how's it going?

                 Oh, hello. Let me guess.    You're a Taurus.

              Look, just keep moving and avoid eye contact.

              - Ahem. - Oh!

              Pardon me, but what are three lovely ladies like you...

              doing on a drive like this?

              Just ignore them, and perhaps they'll go away.

              Oh, they seem like nice guys. Maybe they can help us.

              Why, sure we can help you.

              Maybe we can help each other.

              - Hmm? - Hmm?

              Look, lover-bull, we're here strictly on business.

              Ooh, sounds pretty exciting. What kind of business?

              We're looking for a cattle rustler named Alameda Slim.

              - Grace! Shh! - Grace! Shh!

              Hey, it doesn't hurt to ask.

              Slim? Oh ho ho ho!

              Why, Slim's just a scary bedtime story...

                 to get little calves to behave.


              - Uhh! - Ooh!

              What was that?

              It must be Slim and the Willies.

              Slim and the Willies?

              Don't worry, darlin'. I'll protect you.

              You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof...

              before I snap it off at the knee.

              Oh, uh, sorry, ma'am. I thought you were the blonde.


              Come on, girls. It's time to lose these ropes.

              SLIM: Where you going? Ho-yah! Hyah!

              - Maggie, I'm stuck. - Look out!


              [Dramatic music playing]

              It's payback time.

              - Cover me! - With what?

              - Howdy, Slim. - Howdy, Slim.

              Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do.

                 Now listen up.

                 There are crooks    in this here west

                 Who have claimed    to be the best

                 And they think they wrote    the book on how to rustle

              - Aah! - Aah!

                 Well,    as good as they may be

                 Not a one's as good as me

                 And I barely have to move    a single muscle

                 They call me mean, boys

                 Depraved and nasty, too

                 And they ain't seen, boys

                 The cruelest thing I do


                 You see I    yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odle

                 The sweetest way of rustlin'    yet devised

                 'Cause when I    yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odle

                 Why, looky,    how them cows get hypnotized

                 He don't prod,    he don't yell

                 Still he drives    them dogies well

                 Which ain't easy    when your chaps are labeled

                 X- X-X-X-L

                 Yes, if yer lookin'    from a bovine point of view

                 I sure can    yodel-adle-eedle-idle



              Here we go, boys!      cattle in the side pocket!

              [Yodeling William Tell Overture]

              [Yodeling Yankee Doodle]

              [Yodeling Beethoven's Ode to Joy]


              Maggie! Mrs. Caloway! Snap out of it!

                 A sound that cattle    truly take to heart

                 Yeah, I can    yodel-adle-eedle-idle


                 And smack my big old rump    if that ain't art

                 He don't rope,    not a chance

                 He just puts 'em    in a trance

                 He's a pioneer pied piper    in ten-gallon underpants

                 Yep, I'm the real    rip-roarin' deal

                 To those who moo

                 Thanks    to my yodel-adle-eedle-idle


                 I got cattle    out the old wazoo, heh heh!

                 'Cause I can    yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo


              [Slim laughs]

              [Slim laughs]

              [Cows screaming]

              Whoa. Ho, boy.


              [Cows stop screaming]


              [Horse neighs]

              Rico, if you'd just been a second earlier...

              you'd have had that rustler dead to rights.

              You boys see anything before I got here?

              Yeah, we sure did there, Rico.

              We were just settin' down to supper...

              when all of a sudden the lights went out.

              All right, what part of "cover me" didn't we understand?

              - You guys OK? - I don't know.

              I feel like I was dreaming.

              Yeah. Slim started singing...

              and all of a sudden I lost track of everything.

              Singing? That didn't sound like singing to me.

              And, you know, I have perfect pitch.

              Uh, yes. Grace, about your perfect pitch...

              - Not now, Maggie. - All right, show's over!

              Oh, no.

              You're interfering with official police bidness!

              Ha. Be right with you, big guy.

              Buck is on the case. You know. Whoo!

              Don't embarrass me in front of my partner. Please!

              You and he are partners?

              [Stifles laugh] So, how does that work exactly?

              I mean, do you get to ride him on odd days or even?

              Hey! He chose me specifically...

              because I have skills that are essential...

              to capturing our quarry.

              [Shouts kung fu noises]


              Ha ha ha!

              [Shouts kung fu noises]

              Whoo! Smush! Oof!

              You boys headed back to town?

              Yes, sir. We got to go file a report with the sheriff.

              Give him back his horse.

              This one's too skittish around cows.

              And that, girls, is what makes me and Rico...

                 equal parts of    one lean mean crime-fighting...



              Well, there it is, then.

              Well, well, well, stud.

              Now, I'm no professional...

              but I'd say the only mano a mano you'll be doing...

              is in your dreams.

              Oh, look out, Buck.

              He's making a move on your left flank. Kaboosh!

              Maggie! Grace! Leave that poor animal alone.


              Buck, I realize you're very upset...

                 but if you'd like    to join our group...

                 and help us bring in Slim,    we'd be happy to have you.

              However, there are a few...

              anger-management issues we need to discuss.

              I wouldn't help you bossy bovines...

              if my life depended on it!

              You see, that's just what I'm talking about.

              - Grace! - Bye.

              - Come on, girls. - Hmm.

                 MAGGIE: Let's go get Slim.

              [Lmitates] "Come on, girls, let's go get Slim."

              Cud-chewing heifers.

              Huh. I can catch that Slim with one hoof tied behind my back.

              [Gasps] Wait a minute. Why don't I?

              Yes! Partner or no partner, that's what I'm-a do. Hey!

                 Ba ba ba ba ba

                 COWBO Y: Hold the horse now.

              [Neighs, cowboys shouting]

                 COWBO Y: Aw, forget it.

              Definitely bipolar.

              Move it, sister! Hero passing on the left!

              - Hey, watch it. - Where are you going, hotfoot?

              I'm gonna go nab that rustler...

              and show Rico I got what it takes...

              so say good-bye to your farm, girls, because Slim is mine.

              It's hero time!

              Watch out now! Hey! Get back!

              Jump back! Kiss myself! Whoo!

                 Da da yoo

              Oh, this is a fine kettle of fish.

              How can we compete with that?

              Look at the bright side, Mrs. C.

              Don't forget about our secret weapon.

              Secret weapon?

              Who better to catch a cattle thief than a cow?

              Yeah, even you can't argue with that kind of logic.

              OK, maybe you can.

              MRS. CALOWAY: You know, Grace...

              Maggie does so love your singing.

              How about a song?

              MAGGIE: I'm gonna get you for this.

              [Bird caws]

              [Bird caws]

              [Slim laughing]

              Ha ha!      Texas longhorns.

              Not bad for one night's work.

                 PHIL: Pick a color.

                 SLIM: I said,    not bad for one night's work.

              - What? - Thank you.

              And judging by the ear mark...

              I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd.

              Big Mike Donald had a farm?

              - E-l-E-l... - E-l-E-l...

              - Ohh... - Ohh...

              That's right. He had a farm. Heh heh heh.

              Now that all his cash cows have disappeared...

                 that poor sap's    gonna be flat broke.

                 Perfect time for a certain    upstanding land owner...

              to step in and take all the land.

              Aah! Who are you?

              What did you do with Uncle Slim?

              Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches.


              It's me. Hello?

              This here is the disguise I use...

              to sneak into all them auctions...

              and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys.

              Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the west.

              Yes, but the part that really warms my heart...

              is watching those homesteaders suffer.

              [Steam hissing]

              Back in the day, I worked...

              the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen...

              but those stuck-up ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents.

              Maybe they just didn't like your singing.

              [Teeth grind] My singing?

              [Twang] [Gasps]

              Songbirds sing.

                 Saloon gals sing.

              Little bitty snot-nosed children sing.

              I yodel!

              And yodeling is an art!

              Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling.

              [Slim grunting]

              He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim.

                 Everybody likes yodeling.


              Why, it's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds...

              in the whole west.

              Yaah! Aah! Yaah!


              - Uh, Gil? - Uh-huh?

              Am I correct in assuming that each and every time...

              we brought a herd back to this secret lair...

              you've managed to sit in the exact same spot...

              blocking that choice piece of property from my view?!

              This is my comfy place.

              What? Aah!

                 PHIL: It's called    Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim.

              Goes on auction Thursday morning.

              Perfect. Pencil it in.

              Thursday morning... right after we sell off this herd.

              But it's just a little old dirt farm.

              Ah, what's the difference?

              When you're talking revenge, every last acre counts.

              [Hammer striking sign]

              [Dramatic music playing]

              I don't get it.

              Weren't the cows supposed to come back?

              Daddy, what's going to happen if they don't come back?

              Oh, but they are coming back.

              Hogwash! We all know they're never coming back.

              [Clucks] What? Ooh! Ooh!

              [Chuckles] You don't know that, Jeb.

              Everybody knows that bovines...

              are the most intelligent, crafty animals in the west.

              Yeah. He's right, you know.

              It doesn't take a cow to figure out...

              they saw the writing on the wall...

              and flown the coop while the getting was good.


              Oh, no! They tricked us and deserted us!

              No, no. Aud-Audrey.

              [Chickens screaming]

              Excuse me. Excuse me.

              Excuse me!

              [Screaming stops]

              Oh, uh, let's not forget who we're talkin' 'bout.

              Audrey, remember when Grace helped you figure out...

                 why you crossed the road?

              And, Jeb, Miss Caloway knew just what to do...

              when your head got stuck in that spittoon.

              Get off my case!

              And Maggie was gonna make us all winners.

              I truly believe there ain't nothin'...

              those three cows can't do.



              Well, whatever they're gonna do, they better do it soon.

              I'm so very sorry, Pearl.

              It's a real shame. It is.

              [Pearl sighs]

              Ollie, I don't know what's worse...

              losing my farm to the highest bidder...

              or knowing that... that my girls are lost and alone out there.

              [Distant thunder]

              - Yee-haw! - Come on, girls.

              [Sniffs] Either I'm getting good at this...

              or his scent is getting stronger.

              Go get him, Maggie. Look out, Slim!

              - No. It can't be. - We're on your trail!


              [Dramatic music playing]

              Hoo hoo!

              [Bell clanking]

              [All gasp]

                 GRACE: Oops.

                 MRS. CALOWAY: This has Buck    written all over it.

              We're not gonna let this dumb old trick stop us.

              Sooner or later, all these paths will hook up, and then...

                 GRACE: Oh, no, the tracks!

              Hurry up, girls. Don't lose that trail.

              What trail? I can't see anything.


              GRACE: Look out!

              [Dramatic music playing]

              Oh! Flash flood!

              Get to high ground!


              - Oh. - Maggie!


              [Water roaring]


              [Water bubbling]

              [Bell clanking]






              [Coughs] No! Come on, girls, we can't give up!

              Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up...

              we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven.

              But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward?

              We never had a prayer...

              of catching Slim in the first place.

                 This whole ridiculous plan...

              is just so you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers.

              Hey! For your information, duchess...

              this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm.

              Huh. Our farm might've had a fighting chance...

              until you came along.

              What's that supposed to mean?

              Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior.

              Look, I was just having...

                 Wasting our time    on your foolish plans.

              Through the years, Patch of Heaven...

              has survived every hardship that nature can dish out...

              but you, Maggie...

              are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm.

              Well, if that's the way you feel about it...

              maybe we should just go our separate ways.

              Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had.

              - Fine! - Fine!

              - Fine! - Fine!

              [Dramatic music playing]

              Yeah. Fine.

              It's not like your farm...

              was ever gonna feel like home to me anyways.


                 BONNIE RAITT:    Rain is pourin' down

                 Like the heavens    are hurtin'

                 Seems like it's been dark    since the devil knows when

                 How do you go on    never knowing for certain

                 Will the sun    ever shine again?

                 Feels like it's been years    since it started to thunder

                 Clouds are campin' out    in the valley and glen

                 How do you go on when    you can't help but wonder

                 Will the sun    ever shine again?

                 What if the rain    keeps fallin'?

                 What if the sky    stays gray?

                 What if the winds    keep squallin'

                 And never go away?

                 Maybe soon the storm    will be tired of blowin'

                 Maybe soon    it all will be over, amen

                 How do you go on if    there's no way of knowin'?

                 Will the sun ever shine?

                 Wish I could say


                 Send me a sign

                 One little ray

                 Lord,    if you're listenin'

                 How long until then?

                 Will the sun ever shine


              [Lnsects buzzing]




              Maggie. Maggie. Maggie.

              - Wake up. - Check, please!

              It tasted a lot better in my sleep.

              Well, I suppose you'll be off now.

              - Mm-hmm. - Where will you go?

              Oh, probably check out the Grand Canyon.

              See Utah before I die.

              Wait a minute. Where's Grace?

              Hi, there. Boy, am I glad you guys are up.

              Hey, come look at this.

              What on earth? Where did all this come from?

              Hey, it's green, it's leafy, and it's free. Shut up and eat.

              Good morning, ladies.

              I see you're already tucked into your appetizer.

              Never knew a pretty lady that didn't have an appetite.

              Oh, now, see here, you ruffian...

              He's not a ruffian, Mrs. Caloway.

              He's a genuine desert shaman... our very own wise man.

              Shaman, chef, chief cook, and bottle washer.

              I'm a jackrabbit of all trades and at your service.

              Folks around these parts call me Lucky Jack.

              Yep, they used to come from miles around...

              just to get one rub of my lucky rabbit's foot.

              Whoo! Dagnabit!


              [Steam hisses]

              This happens all the time. Now, where was I?

              Ah. Voila.

                 Now let me just    get this on the fire...

              and it'll be ready directly.

              Mm-huh. Ow! Yow!

              Look, we don't eat meat.

              It's kind of like a professional courtesy.

              Perhaps we'll dine with you some other time.

              You see, Grace and I are returning to our farm...

              to say our last good-byes.

              Yeah. We need closure.

              Well, I can sympathize there, sister, I truly can.

              Until recently, I, too, had a home.

              Echo Mine it was called.

              Us jackrabbits lived there for generation after generation.

              Till some land-grabbing bandit moved in...

              and flushed us out like yesterday's oatmeal.

              Ahem. Excuse us. My good fellow, we must be on our way.

              Wait! There he is!




              Slim! You mean this no-good varmint...

              is hiding out in Echo Mine right now?

              - Without a doubt. - Maggie, what are you thinking?

              Look, I got a score to settle with that rhinestone fat boy...

              and nothing to lose.

              But it'll be dangerous going after Slim all by yourself.

              Hey, I got the rabbit.

              That's not all you got, Maggie. You got us.

              Oh, no. No, no, no. No.

              We are sticking to our plan and going home.

              Hold on, you two.

              As strange as this sounds, Grace is actually making sense.

              - Thank you. - You want the money...

              and I want to get even with Slim.

              The three of us go together, and we're sure to get him.

              Once you collect the reward, I'll walk out your front gate...

              and I'll stay out of it forever. Deal?

              Your powers of persuasion are uncanny. Deal.

              Ha! Bovine bounty hunters! Now I've seen everything.

              Let's get moving, ladies.

              Let's get moving, ladies.

              Time for an underground smackdown. Yee-haw!

                 Out in the land where    the heroes meet their makers

                 Out in the land where    the hale and hearty fall

                 Out where the fearless    get the shudders

                 Justice is here,    and it's wearing udders

                 Yee-haw!    The cows are walkin' tall

                 Home, home,    this ain't it, pal

                 Home, home,    home on the range

                 Home, home,    better go git, pal

                 Home, home,    home on the range

                 SLIM: OK, boys, let's go    through it one last time.

              - Who am I? - Uncle Slim?

              Correct! Heh.

              Now, I put on my hat...

              then I put on my spectacles...

              - Aah! Hey! Who're you? - Where's Uncle Slim?

              Ohh! It's still me!

              Can't you stupid sack of hammers get it right?

              [Train whistle blows]

              Oh, the ever-punctual Mr. Weaseley.

                 SLIM:    OK, everybody make way...

                 for the big man    in black market livestock.




              - Aah! - Hey, who're you?

                 WESLEY: All right, come on!

                 Move it, Bessie, or    I'll tan your hides right here.

              L... hey, hey, hey! Watch the suit! Watch the suit!

              Feast your eyes.

                   cows on the barrelhead as promised, Mr. Weaseley.

              The name's Wesley.

              So, Slim, what do you say we get a move on...

              and load these cash cows onto the train A.S.A.P., huh?

              [Snaps] Let's go.

              Yes, yes, of course. Just as soon as I finish counting. Hmm.

                 GRACE: Lucky Jack, you did it!    We're here!

                 MRS. CALOWAY: Well,    I take my hat off to you, Jack.

              But you've got us here in one piece.

              Well, seein' is believin'.

              And I don't believe what I see.

                 MRS. CALOWAY: Oh, it's Buck!

                 MAGGIE:    Stallion of the Cim-moron.

              I'm supposed to be here just in case...

              one of the horses get tired.

              Cows only.

              Look, friend, you don't understand my situation.

              No, you don't understand...

                 so I'll say it again.

                 The only critters    that get by me are cows.

                 Cows only.

              Oh, come on! Look, cut me a break.

              [Moo] Now what?

              Aww, what are you doing here?

              Ha ha! Sorry we're late. We got separated from the herd.

              Right this way, little lady.

              Tell 'em Junior sent you.


              - Howdy, partner! - Ahem.

              - Nice hat, ma'am. - Oh! Cheeky devil.

              Excuse me, reject. Coming through.

              Oh! Hey, what gives?!

              How come they got to go through?

              They're cows.

              What?! But what about the rabbit?

              Well, obviously, he was with the cows.

              Ha! I'm with the cows, too!

              Yeah! Hey! Hey, cows! W-wait up!

              You got to tell this guy you know me!

              See, Junior, we're old friends!

              Come on, Margie! Uh, Gretchen! Miss, uh... uh, Hat Cow!

              Come on, it's your old pal Buck, see?

              Buck... Buck...

              Oh, Buck!

              Nah, doesn't ring a bell.

              No, no, no, wait! Hey, come back! No!

              Hang on... hang on a second. Heh heh heh.

              They're just kidding. You see, if you could...

              Oh, hey! Hey! Hey, cows! Cows! Oof!

              Don't make me hurt you.

              Heh heh.

              Rico. [Laughs]

              I gotta go, but let's throw on the old feedbag sometime.

              Stay cool. Ha ha ha! It's hero time.

              LUCKY JACK: So what's the plan?

              Well, let's see...

              You two get his attention while I sneak up behind him...

              and then I'll knock him into the cart...

              and then we'll rope him up and wheel him to justice!

              And for extra measure...

              how about we conk him on the noggin with this?

              You go, cowgirl! That's usin' the old hat.

              Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, you lost me here, missy.

              Look, Jack, it's simple.

              Cart, smack, rope, roll, justice. Come on, Jack, focus.

                 Now is not the time to get    all scatterbrained and flaky.


              Oh, good, I'm not too late.

              Sorry. Still stakin' out your quarry, huh?

              Yeah, pretty much. Why?

              Listen, I came to warn you, one equine to another, about Rico.

              As soon as he nabs that rustler...

              he's gonna be in a big hurry to collect that reward.

              - So? - So?!

              Once he catches his man, that's when the horsewhip comes out...

              and he's not shy about using it, either!

              - Horsewhip? - Horsewhip!

              And not only are you gonna be carrying Rico...

              but that rustler as well.

              Have you seen that guy? He's huge!

              What should I do?

              - Run! - OK.

              Yeah, run like the wind, partner, and save yourself!

              I'm going!

              Go on, take off! Fade! Ride into the sunset!

              - All righty, I'm outta here! - Aah! Scram!

              OK, thanks, buddy! I owe you one!

              Godspeed, my friend!

              So long, sucker! Ha ha!

              He must be takin' stupid lessons from that buffalo.

              [Snorts] Uh-oh.

                 -     ...    -     ...


              -     ... -     ...

              -  ... -     ...

              - Ohh! -     ...

              Can't you morons count to yourselves?

              Come on.

              Gotta start all over!

              - There he is. - Come on, let's go!

              Hold on!

              You're both forgetting Slim's hypnotic control...

              over those with less than perfect pitch.

              Jack, I hope you can forgive me.

              - For what, missy? Aah! - For that.

              Now, you watch it there, toots!

              Grace, how practical!

              Done countin'!

              - What do we got? -     .

              - What? - Huh? Wait, wait, what?

              I thought you said      even.

              Of course I did. Gil must've just miscounted, that's all.

              [Grace moos] Huh?

                 PHIL: There's one up there!

              The others can't be far behind.

                 Just you watch.

              You're gonna like this. Yodeling's an art.


              [Yodeling Ride of the Valkyries]



              Ha ha ha! What's the deal, Slimbo?

              Maybe she wasn't an art lover.


              Shut up, you greenhorns!

              A bovine ain't been born that can resist my charms.

              Ahem. [Thump]

              [Yodeling      Overture]

              [Cart rattling]

              Watch your back, Uncle Slim!

              Got you! Where do you think you're going?

              [Nervous laugh] [Moo]


              - Now, Jack! - OK!

              What in the rootin'-tootin' blazes is goin' on here?!

              Whoo-ha! [Clang]


              BOTH: Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!

              GRACE: Let's get outta here!

              - Aah! - Come back here, dog meat!

              - Jackpot! - We got him now!

              - Well done! - Watch out!

              It's Buck!

              Hey, Casey Jones...

              grab the bills and fire up the getaway express!

              [Buck screaming]

              [Junior snorts]


              BOTH: Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!

              I gave up clown college for this?

              BUCK: Aah! Aah! Ooh! Mama!


              It's Slim! I got Slim! Rico's gonna be so proud of me!

              [Squeals] Thank you!

              Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Leave me alone!

              Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

              [Panting] Aah!




              - Sorry. - Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!

              - Quick, girls, in here! - Ooh!

              MAGGIE: Ooh!





              [Screech] That was Rico!

              [Thump] [Snorts]

              What in blue blazes?

              [Crash] Ohh!


                 JUNIOR: I'll knock you    into next Tuesday!

                 Come back here!

              - Whoa! Whoa! - You're going down!

              Junior! Junior!

              - Oh! Whoa! - Junior!

              Junio-o-or! Whoo-hah!

              - Get this off of me! - Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!


              [Gasps] Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle!




              - Uncle Slim! Oof! - Ohh!

              - Surprise! - Oof!

              - Aah! Eee! - Aah! Dang!








              Oof! Oof! Oof! Aah! Unh!

              MAGGIE: We made it, girls! We made it!

                 - Three cheers!    - Hip-hip-hooray!

              Ladies, we got company!

              Ohh... oh!


              Aaah! Aah!

              Whoa! Stop! Stop! Hit the brake!

              Look out!





              [Bird chirping]

              [Slim shouting]

              Yaah! Dagnabit!

              I guess I gotta do everything around here myself!


              Call me crazy, but I think these cows got it in for me.

              Maybe they just don't like your singing.

              Shut up! Ahem.

              Mr. Weaseley, my money, if you please.

              Heh heh heh. I was just keeping it safe for you, Slim.

              Sure you were.

                 Protecting my investments    is what I pay this fellow for.

              Mr. Weaseley, let me present...

              the most traitorous, double-crossin' gun for hire...

                 that I've ever had the pleasure    to call partner... Rico.

              You're too kind, boss.

              No, it can't be.

              His reputation as a bounty hunter is well-known...

              but lately he's been doing a little moonlighting...

              and covering my tracks.

              Rico's going to see you to the border...

              so that nothing else goes wrong.

              Tck-tck. [Screech]

              Now, if you'll all pardon me...

              there's a little Patch of Heaven...

              on the auction block this morning.

              [Gasps] He's going to buy our farm!

              Adios! Yee-haw!

              I don't know how you got here, skittish...

              but stick with me, and you may get to like...

              the other side of the law.

              Get on there! Hyah!

                 WESLEY:    All right, come on! Come on!

                 Move it, Bessie! Get in there!

              Hurry up! You don't want to be late...

              for that big round-up in the sky!

              [Neighs] Hah! Skittish, whoa!

              Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

              Get in there! Come on, you stupid cows!

              [Mooing] Come on!

              Unh! [Thump]

                 WESLEY: Lovely.    Now get the engine fired up...

                 and let's make tracks.

              [Buck neighs] [Humming]

              Huh? [Neighs]

                 BUCK: Make a break for it,    ladies! Run!

              Whoa! Hah! Skittish, whoa!

              Buck, have you gone crazy?!

              Now, that's entirely possible! Yo!

              Or maybe I just figured out who the real heroes are!

              Wait! What if this is some kind of trick?

              Whoo! Whassah!

              Oh, this isn't a trick! It's a miracle! Come on!


              So you think you got the drop on me...

              well, think again! Hyah!

              Oh! [Banging]

              [Neighs] Whassah! [Sputters]

              - Whoo! - Unh...

              This is useless.

              Let's put our heads together. More brains and less brawn.

              All right!

              [Grunting] Grr! [Neighing]

              [Cocks shotgun] OK, Caloway, fetch!

              [Snorts, alarm ringing]


              - Kaboosh! - Hyah!


              [Clang] Oof! Unh!

              Ha! Lucky shot! [Tarzan yell]

              Mother of mercy. Is this the end of Rico?

              [Thud] [Moo]

              Uh... ha... [Bird chirping]

              BUCK: Wow! Bravo!

              Bravo! You stopped Rico cold!

              Aw, shucks. T'weren't nothin'.

              Fat lot of good it done us.

              Alameda Slim has already flown the coop.

              She's right.

              Unless we sprout wings, we'll never make it back in time.

              I can't believe what I'm hearing.

              This train goes right by Patch of Heaven.

              What is in the cud you've been chewin'?

              How are we supposed to drive that thing?

              How? How? I'll tell you how!

              The same way we walked off the farm into the unknown.

              The same way we fought off those burly barmaids.

              And the same way we braved the western wilderness...

              without the benefit of food or water.

              We caught Slim once, and we shall do it again!

              Who's with me?

              Get out of here, you bulls! Head for the hills! Whoo!

              [Bellowing and shouting]




              [Cows laughing]

              - Let's get it on! - Cows rule!

                 BARRY:    Howdy, darlin'! Down here!

              Yeah! Look... look down! Hello there!

              Oh, no!

              I got two words for you guys... cold shower!

              We don't have time for this nonsense!

              We have a farm to save!

              - Well, maybe we can help you. - Maybe we can help each... oof!

              - Other! - Ohh!

              Bye! Come up and see us sometime!



              Oh, no! It's the Morning Express!

              There's a switch up ahead!

              Way ahead of you, pops! Hop on!

              - Come on, mule! - Let's ride!

                 LUCKY JACK: Yee-haw!

              Ha! Ha!


              - Whoa! - Oh! Whoa! Whoa!




              See you back at the farm, girls!

                 Good luck!

              LUCKY JACK: This happens all the time.

              Sold! All property and livestock...

              Sold! All property and livestock...

              formerly known as Patch of Heaven...

              is hereby sold to Mr. Yancy O'Del.

              Pleasure doing business with you. Heh heh heh.

              O'Del's the name, foreclosure's the game.

              Well, just set yourself over yonder.

              Sign this deed, and the property is all yours.

                 SLIM:    Much obliged, sheriff.

                 Ha ha ha!

              [Bell ringing]

              - There it is! - Home and hearth!

              And a holy hallelujah of a curve!

              - Oh, quick, the brakes! - No time for that!

              - But won't we jump the tracks? - We are makin' our own tracks!

              This is going to be messy!


              Hee hee hee! The whole territory belongs to me. Huh?

              Five cents for these chicks.

              Come on, now, do I hear two cents?

              - Behind you! - B-behind you!

              Whoa! Whoa! Hold your britches! Come on, now!

              Whoa! Run for your lives!


              Watch yourself!


              What's the idea of crashing your train on my property?

              What? Uh...

              It can't be!





              Hold it right there!

              Piggies, it's time to open up a can of whoop-hide!

              Unh! Who the... Oof! Ow! Aah!

              Oh! Get away from there! Aah!


              [Crows] Owww!

              Oh, come on! Ow! Oof!

              You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts!

              Ow! Aah!



              Ohhhh! Oof!

              [Slim sputtering]


              It's Alameda Slim!

              You think you've won?

              It ain't over till the fat man sings!


              [Splat] [Sputters]

              Alameda Slim, you're under arrest.

              [Muffled yelling]

              Nobody messes with Pearl's girls!

              - Say, girls, got milk? - Buck!

              Just kidding.


              Take him away, boys! Hope you like stripes.

              Pearl, your cows can't do much with Slim's reward money.

                 Think you can find    some use for it?

              Whoo-eee! My farm is saved!




              Where's Maggie?


              I can't believe she just left.

              I'm gonna miss her.

              So shall I, Grace.

              Her brash manner, her bullheadedness.

              She risked her life for us, and who are we but strangers?

              We were privileged to know her. She was a cow like no other!

              Right down to her appalling bodily eruptions.


              - Ahh, that was good! - Maggie!

              I was just having one for the road...

              when I heard all the nice stuff...

              you guys were saying about me.

              You know, maybe I could hang around a while.

              - How about forever? - Oh!

              Hmm. Well, it's your call, Caloway.

              Is this barnyard big enough for the both of us?

              Only if you let me wear the hat.


              Come on, move your hides, girls.

              Last one to the barn sleeps standing up!


              OK, everyone, big smiles!

              OK, everyone, big smiles!


                 LUCKY JACK:    "So it was that Alameda Slim...

                 '"the most notorious    and feared cattle rustler...

                 was apprehended and unmasked    by three unusual dairy cows."

              Hey! Dagnabit, Jeb!

              How many times I got to tell you to wait your turn?

              How many times have I got to tell you...

              to get out of my barrel...

              Hey, dagnabit! You ornery ol'...

              [Sighs] It's so nice that Jeb finally found a friend.

              Here they come, everybody!

              [All talking and laughing]





              - Well done! - Ha ha ha!

              Well, hi ho, ladies!

              Hey, Barry, three queens, two kings, hmm?

              Full house.

              And the joker is wild.

              Oh, yeah.


              [Music playing]

                 K.D. LANG:    Darlin', I swear

                 Once you been there

                 There ain't a view    beneath the blue

                 That could ever compare

              Hyah! Ho-haa!

                 The only thing missing

                 Is you as my guest

                 On a little Patch of Heaven    way out west

                  Why don't you come visit?

                   There's room in the nest


                   On that little    Patch of Heaven

                   Way out west


                [Music playing]

                [Music playing]

                   Come with me

                   Let's go wander

                   Far beyond    the wild blue yonder

                   Out where stars roam free

                   Though the journey's    far from breezy

                   Stick with me,    I'll make it easy

                   You can depend on me

                   Yeah, there's    a long road before us

                   And it's a hard road,    indeed

                   But, darlin', I swear

                   I'll get us there

                   Wherever    the trail may lead

                   Once we cross    that far horizon

                   Life    is bound to be surprisin'

                   But we'll take it    day by day

                   Never mind    the wind and weather

                   If we walk that trail    together

                   Somehow we'll find our way

                   Yeah, there's a long road    before us

                   And it's a hard road,    indeed

                   But, darlin', I vow

                   We'll get through somehow

                   Wherever    the trail may lead

                   Can't tell you    when we'll be there

                   It may take all our lives

                   We're headed for    that great unknown

                   We'll soon be walking free    there

                   Till that day arrives

                   At least we won't be    travelin' alone

                   And there's    a long road before us

                   And it's a hard road,    indeed

                   But, darlin', don't fear

                   'Cause I'll be right here

                   To give you    the strength you need

                   And through the whole ride

                   I'll be by your side

                   Wherever the trail    may lead

                [New song starts]

                   La la la la

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   When you're sad

                   When you're feeling low

                   When you're hurt

                   And don't know where to go

                   Think of me

                   There I'll be

                   Anytime you need a friend

                   When you're down

                   And your luck runs out

                   Or if you're in trouble    or in doubt

                   It's OK

                   It's OK

                   Turn my way

                   Anytime you need a friend

                   When you're scared

                   I will stay with you

                   When you feel    you're fallin'

                   I'm there for you

                   When your heart breaks

                   I'll ease your aches

                   Whatever it takes

                   I'm in

                   I'm in

                   Anytime you need a friend

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   La la la

                   All our lives

                   Anywhere we are

                   Anywhere we are

                   Just reach out

                   I'll never be too far

                   Come what may

                   There I'll stay

                   Anytime you need a friend

                   When you're scared

                   I will stay with you

                   When you feel    you're fallin'

                   I'm here for you

                   When your heart breaks

                   I'll ease your aches

                   Whatever it takes

                   I'm in

                   Whatever it takes

                   Anytime you need a friend

                   La la la

                   La la la


                   Anytime you need

                   A friend

                [Saloon piano playing]

                [Spurs jingling]

                [Saloon doors bang]

                [Horse neighs]

Special help by SergeiK