House Of 1,000 Corpses Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the House Of 1,000 Corpses script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Rob Zombie movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of House Of 1,000 Corpses. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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House Of 1,000 Corpses Script






Attention, boils and ghouls,



it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's



"Creature Feature Show."






The doctor is in.



Don't scream. Don't move.



Stay tuned for Channel   's



Halloween Eve movie marathon.



I'm your host,

your ghost host



with the most,

Dr. Wolfenstein.



I will be with you



until the end.



Howdy folks.

Black Blood.




Freaks of Nature.



Come on down to Captain Spaulding's



Museum of Monsters and Madmen.



See the Alligator Boy.



Ride my famous Murder Ride.



Most of all,

don't forget to take home



some of my tasty fried chicken.



It just tastes so damn good.







...with a meat cleaver.






See it, hear it,

and actually feel it.






Coming after you

to rip your flesh apart.






Unbelievable but true.






See it, hear it,

and actually feel it.






Shit, I can't do nothin' with this.

I can't get rid of this.



It ain't worth nothin',

my name's all over it.



I was fixing it to trade it

to Jackie Cobb.



That retard that hangs out

at Molly's Fruit Stand?



- Yeah.

- For the life of me



I cannot understand why

you hang out with that asshole.



He's one horny retard.



Well, ain't they all?

All they wanna do is eat and fuck.



If you knew him,

you might understand his urges.



Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.



You know what his favorite thing is

next to whacking his weasel?



He takes a sharpened pencil



and sticks it in his eyeball

and twists it.



- What?

- He doesn't hurt himself though,



he kind of twists it

right next to his eyeball.



He'd been putting that pencil

someplace other than his eyeball.



He don't do nothin' like that.

Although, once he got caught



with a "Planet of the Apes" doll

stuck up his asshole.






They had to take him

to the hospital.



Kid had Dr. Zaius stuck

halfway up his butt.



Couldn't get it out.



- Did you fix the toilet?

- Yes, I did,



and I don't want you stuffing any

goddamn paper towels down there.



I had to snake

the shit out that thing.



Here you go.



You bust that crapper

and I'm gonna bust your ass.



I hear ya.



Mary, fucking Moses,

ya'll get the fuck outta here.



Hold it, clowney.

Keep your paws where I can see them.



Gunman   : Don't move.

I'll blast a hole the size of



a Kansas City watermelon

through your ugly ass, Bozo face.



What the fuck is that

supposed to mean?



Go grab that other asshole

out of the shitter



- and drag his ass back in here.

- Right.



You miserable motherfu...

I ought to jump over this counter



and bash your fucking balls in.



All right, Tippy,

hand over the cash box



and I might leave

your brains inside your skull.



I'll tell you what, Ski King,



why don't you just take

your mama home some chicken



and then I won't have to stuff

my boot all up in ya ass!



I don't like chicken!



And I hate clowns!



Gunman   : Put that shit down.

Put it down!



That is it!



I'm gonna count to    and you're

gonna hand over all the cash,



or I'm gonna splatter

your grease-paint mug



across the state line.



- One...

- Fuck yo mama.



- Two...

- Fuck yo sister.



What are we gonna do?



I know you, you work

at the hardware store, right?



- Richard Wick, right?

- Shut your trap.



Quiet down, both of you!



- Three...

- Fuck yo grandma.



I remember now.

All the guys made fun of you.



- Called you Little Dick Wick.

- Shut up!



   Little Dick Wick

played with his prick   



   Don't his smell

just make you sick?   



Stop singing,

I hate that song.



Put your fucking mask back on.



Fuck it!



Most of all,

fuck you!



Spaulding: Goddamn motherfucker got

blood all over my best clown suit.



(man laughing)



   She got a corpse

under her bed   



   She had her fun

but now he's dead   



   Her momma said,

come feed desire   



   Her brother said,

hey, throw her on the fire   



   This is the house   



   Come on in   



   This is the house   



   Built on sin   



   This is the house   



   Nobody lives   



   This is the house   



   You get what you give,

yeah, yeah   



   I cut the flesh

and make it bleed   



   Fresh skin is what I need   



   I let it dry out

in the wood   



   All your crying did no good   



   This is the house   



   Come on in   



   This is the house   



   Built on sin   



   This is the house   



   Nobody lives   



   This is the house   



   You get what you give,

yeah, yeah...   



Preacher: How many want

to touch this afternoon?



Raise your hand if you want

God to touch you.



I'm gonna pray that God

will give you a divine touch...




...the US Department of Agriculture



is checking whether

state meat and poultry inspectors



are good enough to allow the

product to go on sale nationally.



The USDA has said...



Man, some of these

Manson chicks are really hot.



Shit, how are we

almost out of gas?



And this squeaky, right here,

now that's a girl you would date.



- Jerry, how much did you put in?

- I don't know? Two, three bucks.



Two, three bucks?

I told you to fill...



- Bill, feel me, am I made of money?

- Get off. Jesus Christ, Jerry.



Don't panic yourself there

way too much, caffeine guy.



I wouldn't be drinking

so much coffee



if you did your share

of the driving.



- You know I don't have nightvision.

- Oh, not this again.



Seriously, I can't even make out

the lines in the road.



If you wanna pull the car over,

I'll be more than happy



to kill us out

in the middle of nowhere.



Besides, there's a billboard

right there.



Captain Spaulding's Museum

of Monsters and Madmen.



- Bill: Awesome, great!

- Jerry: Fried chicken and gasoline.



Next exit, there you go,

problem solved



and we didn't have to freak out.

It was a real big deal.



Bill: Dick.



All right.



I'll pump the gas. Go inside

and see if it's worth checking out.



Okay, Mr. Cranky.



Holy... crap!



You gotta see this place.

It's boss.



- How boss?

- Really fucking boss.



Like, wake up the chicks

and break out the camera boss?



Hell, yeah.



Wakey, wakey!

Eggs and bacon.



Hey, sweetie, come on.



Grab Mary and get your stuff

and come on inside.



Bill and I found a kick-ass place.

Come on, move, move!



Let's go.



Come on, Sleeping Beauty,

it's time to go to work.




What's in that case over there?




Hairless monkey.



Did you see the crocodile boy?



How'd you like to find

that in your pants?



- Excuse me, sir? Howdy.

- Hi.



I love this place. How long have

you been running this place?



Well, uhm...

How long's a piece of string?



I don't know.



Too goddamn long,

that's how long.



Too goddamn long,

that's right.



Right, I hear that,

but how long, actually?



Oh, shit, I don't know exactly.



I took over for my pa,

right after the Duke damned Oscar.



- Oh, you mean John Wayne.

- Hell, son.



How many dukes do you know about?



- Greatest American ever lived.

- Look at that.



"Circle up the wagons, pilgrims."



"Whatever you say, cowboy."



I'm not that much of a Western fan.



I like science-fiction.



Ah-hhh. Space boy.



- (beeping like robots)

- I figured as much.



Let me ask you something.



How come you're asking

so many jackassy questions?



My friends and I,

we're driving across country



writing this book on off-beat

roadside attractions,



the crazy shit you see when

you're driving across the country.



I don't drive cross country.



But if you did.



But I don't.



Yeah, but supposing

for a second that you did.



You little dickens, you.



I know what your problem is.



What's that?



Ya'll think us folks from the

country's funny-like, don't you?



- Jerry...

- Well, saddle up the mule, ma.



Slide me some grits,

I's got to get me some education.



- Jerry...

- You asshole.



No, I'm really very interested,

I'm not trying to make fun.






You are such a bad clown.



Oh, fuck me, Side Sally,



who the hell'd wanna read about

all this horseshit anyway?



You'd be surprised.



Son, look around.



Would I be surprised?



Finally. Great, great. Come on, we

paid for the tickets.



- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- What tickets?



This isn't everything.

There is actually a murder ride.



A murder ride?

I don't want to go on a murder ride.



- Yes, you do wanna go on a...

- No, I don't.



Hey, how about

if we skip the murder ride?




Hey, how about if we go?



Clown: Anytime this year, people.

Tour is about to begin.



Okay, we'll see you inside

the murder ride, we'll be back. Bye.



Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,



children of all ages,



you are about to enter

the world of darkness,



a world where life

and death are meaningless,



and pain is God.



- Pain!

- Billy, let's go.



- Quit that, sport.

- Sorry, Captain Spaulding.



We gonna have a good time now.



On your right, you will see



the infamous

Albert... Fish.



Masochist, sadist,



child killer and most importantly,






Mr. Fish, born     

and enjoyed spankings



with nail-studded paddles,



stuffing needles

deep into his groin.



- I have a question. How many...

- Hold all questions.



Man's voice: No, no, help.



(woman screaming)



Lizzie fucking Borden.



Now, one of our most famous crazies,



the psycho of Plainsfield,

Mr. Ed Gein.



Murderer, cannibal,



Mr. Gein used to take

great pleasure



of playing with

dead bodies of women,



especially, their sexual organs.



(coyote howling)



Now, one of our local heroes,



S. Quentin Quale,



aka Dr. Satan.



Oh shit!



Murderer, torturer,

but most of all, master surgeon.



Mr. Quail was an intern



at Willows County Mental Hospital,



nicknamed Weeping Willows



for the neverending cries of pain.



Through primitive brain surgery...



- Jerry, stop it.

- Mr. Quail believed



that he could create

a race of superhumans



from the mentally ill.



Vigilante justice prevailed.



They took his ass out and hung him.






And that infamous hanging tree



is no more than a stone's throw away



from where y'alls' ass

is now seated.



But the next day



his body was found

to be missing.



Until today



no trace of Dr. Satan



has ever been discovered.



But then, who knows?



Maybe he lives next door to you.



Tour's over.

Exit through the doors.



That was so bad-ass.



Dr. Satan. Ah-hhh,

Dr. Satan.



Maybe he lives next door to you.



Calm down, it was all right.



Do you think maybe we could go now?



I'm gonna go call my dad.

I'll be right back.



I love you.



What do you mean,

it was all right?



It was cool,

but it wasn't that great.



Dude, you don't have to play it

down in front of your chick.



- Oh.

- Thank you.



- Don't move a muscle, an artery,

- (phone ringing)



Or a vein.



- Hello?

- Hey, Dad.



- Wow, Denise.

- We stopped for gas



at this place

called Captain Spaulding's,



somewhere outside

of Ruggsville.



It turned into this whole big thing,

so we're behind schedule.



Don't be too late.



I forgot to tell you that Halloween

falls on a school night



so they're

trick-or-treating tonight.



Your left hand shows your past;



your right hand shows your future.



Good evening.

I'm Lance Brockwell



and this is the  :   news.

And our top story tonight,



investigators still have no leads

to the strange disappearance



of the five cheerleaders

from Ruggsville High School.



Cindy Thompson, Karen Murphy,



Allison Cole, Valarie Green,

and Dawn Baker



were last seen four days ago

leaving a football game.



I know it seems stupid,

but I really wanna see this tree.



Do yourself a favor, son,

just forget about it.



Oh, come on,

I live for this shit.



Okay, all right,

I'll draw you a damn map.



- Thank you.

- I still say it's a waste of time.



You are here.

Go straight up this road.



Make the first right.

First left.



Come straight across

and down.



Can't find it? Tough.



- Here's your map.

- Right on.



- Here's your complimentary chicken.

- Oh, wow.



Don't let the door hit you

in the ass on the way out.



You're gonna get

a great write-up for this.



Here's an idea, let's just skip it.

It's probably nothing anyway.



Christ, Jerry, Bill is right,

we can't see anything.



What's that?






- What? Should we stop?

- We can't leave her in the rain.



Stick her in the front

if you wanna pick her up so bad.



So, uh,



- where ya headed?

- I was just going home.



- Home, where's that?

- A couple miles up the road.



- So, you live around here?

- Yeah.



Do you know where

this Dr. Satan tree's at?



Yeah. You know where that's at?

It's right by my house.



- I can show you.

- Really?



- So, it is a real thing.

- (whispering) Fuck you.



So, a tree?

Where's it at?



- What tree?

- Mary: Okay, this is crazy.



She obviously doesn't

know anything.



Oh, I know,

I'll show you where it's at.



Whatever you need to do, you do it.



There is no wrong.



If someone needs to be killed,

you kill 'em.



That's the way.



(gun cocks)






I think we blew a tire.



- Oh poop.

- Oh, hell.



At least we got that spare.



You filled it up

like I asked, right?



Yeah, yeah.



Okay, what if I forgot

to put it back in the trunk?



What would plan B entail?



- Jesus Christ, Jerry.

- Technically I did what you said.



Oh for fucking sake, Jerry,

what're we gonna do now?



(Scottish accent) I can't rightly

say if I know, me ladies.



Wait, I love this song.



Denise: Would you turn

the radio off, please?!






We can walk to my house from here.






My brother's got a tow truck.

He can come get your car.



- I'll go, it's my fault.

- Forget it, I'm going.



- No, Bill, l...

- You guys stay here.



There's no sense in everyone

getting drenched.



TV reporter: Returning to the news,

local authorities still have no lead



in the mysterious disappearance

of the five cheerleaders



from Ruggsville.

The girls were last seen



leaving a cheering competition...



Actor   :lt was loud enough

to wake the dead.



- Actor   : That's an idea.

- Actor   : What is?



Wouldn't it be dramatic? Supposing

the people inside were dead,



all stretched out with the lights

quietly burning about them.



I'm sure it would be very amusing.



Man: Why you ask?

Why is not the question.






Now, that is a question

worth examining.



How could I,



being born of such



conventional stock,



arrive a leader of the rebellion?



An escapist from a conformist world,

destined to find happiness



only in that which

cannot be explained.



I brought you here for a reason.



But unfortunately,

you and your sentimental minds



are doing me no good.



My brain is frozen,






I have to break free



from this culture

of mechanical reproductions



and the thick incrustations



dying on the surface.



Oh, Christ.



Fuck it.



(woman giggling)



These are all my dolls.



I used to chop their heads off

and their arms



and stick them up on the wall.



The door's locked,

I gotta go around.



Just wait here.



(woman screams)



Jesus Christ!

Don't do that.



You scared the shit out of me.



You ain't seen nothing yet.



- Is your brother ready to go?

- Yeah, he already left.



- Come on, inside.

- What? He left?



Come on and get toasty.



Don't worry about it, he's fine.



I just don't understand why...



What was that?



What? I didn't hear anything.



Turn the radio off.



Now listen.



I still don't hear anything.



I swear to God,

I heard some weird...



Turn on the headlights,

see if something's out there.



(women screaming)



Calm down, calm down.



Jesus H. Christ.



It's the fucking tow truck guy.






you live alone here?



I mean,

just you and your brother?



Nah, there's a bunch of us

around somewhere.



I think Otis is upstairs

messing around or something.



You gotta have the marshmallows.



That's what makes it fun.



Yeah, I guess.



You sure do a lot of guessing.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.






Look at him.



He must've been going pretty fast

to smash through that wall.



You sure are silly

for a guy with glasses.



- I like that.

- Okay, hey.



Need those to see, thank you.



How do I look?



Terrific, really.






Ain't the only thing

tasty in this house.



Okay, okay.



I wonder what time...



- it's getting kind of late.

- Don't worry, sugar.



It ain't past my bedtime



Are you flirting with me?



What? Oh, no.



(horn beeping)



Great! They're back.






Excuse me?



I gotta call my dad

and tell him we're gonna be late.



Can I use your phone, please?






Ain't got one.



- Oh, hi.

- Goodness.



You really don't have a phone?






I once had one back in '  






I don't quite remember.

There's nobody round here.



I feel like jaw-flapping at no more.



Do you think the guy with the tow

truck could drive us to a phone?



His name is Rufus,

Rufus Jr.



But we all call him



- RJ.

- Makes sense.



What do they call you, sweetie?



I am Qualsnarg of the Crab Nebula.



But you humans can call me Jerry.






Baby, go on and see how RJ's doin'

with these nice folks' automobile.



Why don't you just all make

yourselves to home?



What brings you kids way out here?



Haven't you got something better

to do on Halloween



than wander around

out in the sticks?



I thought maybe

we'd take in a hoedown.



No, he's just joking.



- You are?

- I'm sorry, I'm messing with you.



Shut up, dude.



Oh, I get it.



Y'all just think you're too good



for the simple pleasures

of Halloween.



No, just a little too old.



Oh really? I hope something

changes your mind






- Mama, Tiny's home.

- What about RJ?



He was gone before I seen him.



But Tiny saw him and said he said

he was going down to the yard



to get a new wheel.



How long is that gonna take?



Probably be back

in a couple of hours.



A couple of hours? What?



Can't Tiny drive us to a phone?



Tiny ain't got no car,



he ain't even got a bicycle.



Even though I know

that you think it is childish,



tonight is Halloween Eve,



and to us



it is special.



So you are all invited to dinner.



I hope to Christ she don't expect

us to wear these things.



What ever it is, just do it.



The more we play along the faster

we'll get the hell out of here.



Now is not the time to make waves.




You'll have to forgive Tiny.



He can't hear so much.



That poor baby.



It's his daddy's fault.



Earl wasn't a bad man,



he never hit me

or nothing like that.



One day he just up

and went devil on us all.



- What happened?

- He tried to burn down the house.



He said it was

possessed by the spirits.



And Tiny was sleeping in the

basement where the fire started.



But I don't think Earl

ever meant to harm us.



Tiny was badly burnt,

his ears were destroyed



and most of his skin.



- Is that why he wears the mask?

- Yeah.



My baby boy gets

shy around new people,



but he'll warm up to you,



especially the girls.



He's a real lady-killer.



   All the kids wanna

sniff some glue   



   All the kids want

somethin' to do...   



You're gonna miss

a good show tonight.



That's your tough luck.



I thought you kids

were all about team spirit.



You ain't done fuck-all

to cheer me up since you got here.



Give me a B. Give me an A.



Give me a B. Give me a Y.



What's that spell?

What's that spell?!



What's that spell?!






You're damn right.



   All the kids want

somethin' to do   



   Now I wanna sniff some glue   



   Now I wanna have somethin' to do   



   All the kids wanna

sniff some glue   



   All the kids want

somethin' to do.   



Okay now.

Everybody put on your masks.



Can't very well eat our desserts

with our everyday faces exposed.



Can we?



Gosh, kid, put it on.



She ain't gonna let

any of us touch dessert



unless you're wearing

this damn thing.



Mrs. Firefly?



Do you know anything

about the legend of Dr. Satan?



- Bill: Here we go.

- Shut up.



I'm not much for gossip

and this and that,



- but I have heard...

- I know all about



what you wanna know all about.






I can't believe you decided



to come down and join us.



And you brought Little Wolf.



Oh, my baby.



Oh my God.



It's such a special night for me.



I don't know



who told you your fairy fables

about Dr. Satan.



We heard it from a Captain Spaulding



up the road at...



That old bitch hog don't know shit.



Tells this cute little tattle-tales

to sell his junk,



but he don't sell

no Yankee boys no truth.



Something happened, right? It had

to be based on some real incident.



Are you, Jimmy Olsen,

cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?



- Grampa, watch your language.

- I don't think you need to know.



Better you leave here

with your head still full



of kitty cats and puppy dogs.



- I really would like to know...

- Hey, he'd really like to know.



Enlighten him.



I bet you'd stick your head in fire

if I told ya you could see hell.



Meanwhile, you're too stupid

to realize



you got a demon

sticking out your ass



singing, "Holy Miss Moley,"




"Got me a live one."



Can we change the subject, please?



Dinner's over.



Ladies and germs,



it's show time!



Tell you a little story...



Eat your wife's pussy...



I mean jam your face in it!



...starts licking and chomping

on her pussy



and she's screamin'

and yellin' and she just...






The old battleaxe at home's

liable to crush my balls!



Would you be quiet?



You're gonna wake up grandma.



Bravo, man.



Hey, hey, hey, don't be moving now,

don't be moving.



We got something real special

for you men out there.



   I'm not   



   One of a greedy kind...   



- Wow!

-    All of my wants are simple   



   I know what's on my mind   



   I'm not   



   Resting until I find   



   What would make

your eyes glisten   



   With joy   



   Now listen   



   Big boy   



   I wanna be loved by you,

just you   



   Nobody else but you   



   I wanna be loved by you   









   I wanna be kissed by you,

just you   



   And nobody else but you   



   I wanna be kissed by you   



-    Alone...   

- All right.



- Denise: Jerry.

-    Boop-boop, I couldn't   






-    To anything higher...   

- Get off him.



I said get the fuck off him,

you stupid fucking whore!



- Fucking slut!

- You shouldn't have done that.



Oh, really? Are you gonna

do something about it?



- I'll do something, motherfucker.

- Yeah, come on.



I'll fucking cut your tits off

and shove them down your throat.



- Baby, stop!

- Come on, Ma,



- this bitch has got it coming.

- No, I told you, remember?



- Car's done.

- Thank God.



I suggest that you kids leave.



We're gone.



Fuck you!



- I love you, Mama.

- I know.



- Denise: Lock the fucking doors!

- Mary: Hurry up.



Jesus Christ, you think she

was really gonna cut you.



Of course she was gonna cut me,

she's a fucking nut.



I knew she was crazy from

the second we picked her up.



Okay. That's that.



Jerry: Let's get out

of this fucking nuthouse.



(everyone screaming)



Mary: What're you doing?

Why are you stopping?



- I gotta open the gate!

- For Christ's sake, hurry up!



Oh, shit!







Somebody help him!



- Denise: Oh shit!

- Mary: What are they doing to him?




Who's that?




Oh my God!



- Mary: Shut the fucking door!

- Denise: Oh, no!



Somebody help us!



Oh my God! Get away from us!



No, please.



Oh my God!






Oh my God!



Help me! Help me!



(Otis and Mary screaming)



Radio: Rock and roll this morning

with some Led Zeppelin...



...kinda wild around

the radio station today,



it being a holiday.



It's kinda like

a ghost town around here.



It's kinda nice though,

it's kinda kick back.



Maybe time to get away with stuff.



(telephone ringing)






Donald Willis.



- Don Willis, how the hell are you?

- Listen, Frank,



I'm a little worried about Denise.



She called me last night

from the road near Ruggsville,



a place called Spaulding's.



Yeah, I know the joint.



She said she'd be here about   :  

but she never showed up.



I'll run a check on up there

by Spaulding's



and see if there's any accidents,

or road closings.



It was raining like

a son of a bitch here last night.



They're probably just stuck

in the mud someplace.




Shut your mouth!



I said, shut your fucking mouth!



Listen, you Malibu middleclass

Barbie piece of shit,



I'm trying to work here!



Work! You ever work?



Yeah, I'll bet you have.



Scooping ice cream to your shitheel

friends on summer break.



I ain't talking about

no goddamn white socks



with Mickey Mouse on one side

and Donald Duck on the other.



I ain't readin'

no funny books, Mama.



Our bodies come and go,

but this blood is forever.



I'm gonna remove your gag,



but if you make so much

as a fucking peep



I'm gonna cut you like a pig



and make you eat your own

fucking intestines. You got me?



Why are you doing this to me?



- Why are you doing this?

- Doing what?



Messy up your day?



Where's Bill?



- Where's Bill?

- Bill?



Is he okay?



He's a good guy.



He's been a great help to me.

A real blessin'.



I couldn't have asked

for a better specimen.



You don't know



what kind of dry spell I've had,



total block, total block.



But Bill,



he's okay.



Where is he?






  ... brick house   



   She's mighty mighty,   



   Just lettin' it all hang out   



   She's a brick house   



   I like ladies stacked

and that's a fact   



   Ain't holdin nothin back   



   Oh, she's a brick house   



   Well, we're together

everybody knows,   



   This is how the story goes   



   She knows she's got everything   



   That a woman needs...   



Where is he?

Can I see him?



Can I see Bill, please?



Let's go see.






- Fish-boy!

- Oh my God!



Oh my God, Bill.



No, no, this can't be real.

This can't be real.



This can't be real,

this can't be real.



Oh, it's real.



Real as I want it to be, Mama.



Fuck you, you fucking freak!



   Whose gonna dry   



   Your big blue eyes   



   Day after day?   



   Who's gonna jump   



   When you say frog?   



-    Who's gonna bow...   

- Well...



Let's see if the nut that runs

this place can help us.



Take a look at all this crap.



I'd red flag anybody

running a joint like this.



Sweet baby Jesus.



Whoever's jerking off on that bell

better be gone when I come out,



or I'm gonna rip your nuts off.



Officers, officers,

what can I do for you?



I ain't fired up the birds yet



if that's what you've been

ring-a-ding-dinging about.



I need you to answer some questions

about some missing kids.



Oh, I don't know nothin'

about nothin'.



I'm the kind of guy that

just minds his own business,



if you get what I'm saying.



You seen this girl?

Say in the last    hours?



Yeah, yeah, a cute kid.



Ain't my type though.



I like 'em with a little

more meat on 'em.



The bigger the cushion,

the sweeter the pushin'.



(Spaulding snorts)



Look, clown-ass,

just answer the damn question.



We ain't interested

in your love life, all right?



Cut the crap, Spaulding

and get with the facts.






What did you see?

Who was she with?



- Where was she going?

- I don't know.



She was with some stupid kids.

They's nosing around,



asking a bunch

of stupid questions.



- Questions about what?

- I don't know.



This and that. Mostly a bunch

of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.



They caught a gander

at the display in the back



and they figured

they's gonna run out



and solve

the great Deadwood mystery.



And how'd they get that idea?



I wrote 'em a map.



Out to the old farm road.



I figured, what the hell?

It wouldn't do no harm.



'Sides, it's good

for my tourist trade.



You can shit    bricks

for all I care.



What else?






Stupid-ass kids probably

got themselves



turned around ass-backwards

and got theyself lost.



Is that all? And I want you

to think real hard.




I don't rightly know.



They wasn't here

long enough for me



to get up close

and personal with 'em,



like I do most assholes

that come wandering in here.



How about you write them same

directions out for me then?



All right, all right. Don't get all

"True Grit" on my ass.



You can knock yourself

silly for all I care.



Enough talk!




I don't know where

that skunk ape sleeps.



All I know is, that he had

impure relations with my wife.



That's true, he performed lurid

acts upon me and my person.



Hold up the picture.



I'm gonna kill that skunk ape.



Please, Tiny.

Please let me go.



Let me go.

Help me.



Please, God, please.



Thank you.

Thank you.



I'm just gonna go now.



I'm just gonna go home.



I'm just gonna go home now.



I'm just gonna go home now.



I'm just gonna go now.



I'm just going home now.



Where the fuck do you think

you're getting to?



No, no, no...



Playtime is over.



(police radio chatter)



It matches.



Call it in.



- I think we found 'em.

- Yeah.



Hey, poopie pants.

What's new?



Where the fuck is Bill? Where's

Denise? You can't keep us here.



Shut up!



Wanna play a guessing game?



Guess what number I'm thinking of.



Eat shit and die.



No, wait, please. Come on, stop it.

What do you want from me?



- What do you want from...

- Be quiet. I don't wanna slip.



Okay, one more.



You get this right,

I'll let you go.



If you get it wrong,

you are fucked!



Who's my favorite movie star?



I don't know.



Marilyn Monroe.



No, Betty Davis.

Sorry, you lose!






Jesus, somebody

had themselves a field day



beating the shit out this thing,

didn't they?






No mercy shown here.



Didn't find any bodies, did ya?



- Not yet.

- Holy Christ.



What could these kids have done

to bring this much hell down on 'em?



- I found something.

- What's that?






Don't stand there like some

prize dog, Dick, open the trunk.



- Yes, sir.

- Toss them here.



- Oh, Goddamn.

- Dick: You got something, Georgie?






We found something.




People come, people go,



but how many ever stop

to take a look



at the underbelly of the beast?



I make 'em stop

and I make 'em look.



Hope you like what you see.



Hope you like what you see!



Just hold it a minute, Grandpa.



Grandpa Munster: At a time

like this, you're taking pictures?




I just couldn't help it.



You look so natural

sitting in that box.



Put me behind the wheel of that

bitch, I'll show you drivin'.



You useless fuck. You couldn't

even get your big ass in that seat.



You ungrateful...



Don't start with me, Hugo.



Get off the damn car,

this ain't your living room.



Goddamn grease monkey.



You sure this guy is supposed

to ride with us... in this car?






This doesn't seem right to me.



It ain't up to us, Chief said pick

him up and take him with us.



Guy's an ex-cop,

figures he can be of some help.



I just hope he doesn't

get in my way, is all I'm sayin'.



This must be him.



- Mr. Willis?

- Yes, sir.



- I'm Wydell, this is Nash.

- How you doin', sir?



Donald Willis.

Any leads?



We were on our way out

to check on a couple of farms



out on the edge of town.



That's about our only lead

up to this point.



What about this body you found?



You know about that?



Local girl.

Karen Murphy.



One of the cheerleaders

that went missing last week.



That's it?



We know the kids

were on their way out



to a place the locals

call Deadwood.



They wanted to play Nancy Drew

with this local legend



people call Dr. Satan.



- This is insane.

- Don't you worry about it.



We'll find her, all right?



My name is Lewis Dover



and I'm no rich man,

but I know the truth.



You don't have to go to hell.



You're in hell... this is hell.



This is hell.

This is hell.



I'm gonna see if anybody's home.

You and Mr. Willis



check around,

see if you see anything.



Come with me.



(knocking on glass)



I hate fucked up families!



- It's just a dip.

- Mama: Otis!



Otis, come quick.

There's cops out there.



- What? Damn!

- How many?



- Don't worry about it.

- I don't know. I only saw one.



Fucking pigs always travel in packs.



- Take this.

- What should I do?



Go downstairs and play nice.



I'll go round back and take control

like I always fucking do.






These packrats throw anything away?



- I don't think so.

- Hold this thing.



Hello? Hello?



You'd think these son of bitches

would have a yard sale, don't you?









Oh my God!



- Oh my God!

- Calm down, Barney!



Don't even start

with that "Mayberry" shit.



It's only a dog.



I was bit by a cocker spaniel

when I was eight years old.



- Hello, Officer.

- Good afternoon, ma'am.



I'm Lieutenant Wydell. I'd like

to ask you a few questions.



Why, heck, I'll tell you

anything you wanna know.



I appreciate the cooperation, ma'am.



I'm looking for a missing girl.



I'm serious. It was a big

cocker spaniel... big teeth.



It was my ex-girlfriend's.

Almost bit off my pinky toe.



Yeah, yeah, yeah.



Shh, you hear that?






Yeah, I hear it. Where do

you think it's coming from?



Out this way.



All right, hold on,

hold on one second here.



Hey, hey!



Sheriff's Department, open up.



- No, I ain't seen her, sorry.

- Ma'am...



If I could just

come in for a minute.



I have some other pictures

I'd like you to look at.



It might stir something up.



No. I don't think so.






It'll only take a minute.



Oh, all right.



I guess I can trust you,



being a man of the law.



Yes, ma'am.



Thank you, ma'am.



   I remember you...   



   You're the one who made

my dreams come true   



   A few kisses ago...   



Oh, this one looks familiar.

Is he on the TV?



No, ma'am,

I don't believe he is.



   You're the one who said

I love you too   



- Wydell?

- Excuse me, ma'am.



- Wydell, over! Wydell, over!

- Wydell, over.



   I remember   



   Two distant bells   



   And stars that fell   



   Like the rain

out of the blue   



   When my life is through   



   And the angels ask me   



   To recall   



   The thrill of them all   



   Then I will tell them   



   I remember you   



   I remember   



   Two distant bells   



   And stars that fell   



   Like the rain   



   Out of the blue   



   When my life is through   



   And the angels ask me   



   To recall   



   The thrill of them all   



   Then I will tell them   



   I remember   



   Tell them I remember   



   Tell them I remember you.   



(dog barks)



(coyote howling)



Let me take a guess here.

Y'all havin' a Halloween Party.



What makes you think that,

big boy?



You sure are buying a whole mess

of holy water for two people.



We like to get fucked up

and do fucked up shit.



- You know what I mean?

- I like to get fucked up too.



- Do some fucked up shit.

- Yeah, I bet you do.



How much we owe ya, goober?



Actually it's G. Ober,

for Gerry Ober,



but the new guy, Romald in the back,

he drew in that other O



and made Goober.

Fucking asshole.



Great story, Goober.

How much we owe ya?



The damage is quite severe.



- $   .

- That ain't gonna break my bank.



Here, keep the change and go

get yourself a new name, Goober.



Holy dog, I will, thank you.



You all drive safe. Thanks for

comin' in to Red Hot Pussy Liquor.



Where's Otis? Where's Otis?



He's comin'. He's got

something real special this year.




Otis, Otis, Otis...



Otis: I'm the one who brings

the Christmas candy.



Now tell me,



who's your daddy?



I'm the one who brings

the devil's brandy.



Who's your daddy?!



I'm the one who beats you

when you're bad.



- Who's your Daddy?!

- Who's your Daddy?!



Come on, sweetie,

give the old man some sugar.



Daddy, Daddy.



And I'm the one who loves ya



when you're fucking dead.



Who's your Daddy?!

Who's your Daddy?!



Well, I say my little darlings.



Maybe it ain't a good idea to be

prancing around



where you don't belong.



And you,

the great rusher of fools,



what was it that you were after?



Come on, speak to me, boy.

I remember now.



Dr. Satan.



Goddamn it, everybody

got to know about Dr. Satan.



You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do you a favor.



I'm gonna let you

meet the old bastard.



It's all true.



The bogeyman is real

and you found him.




And you found him...



Hey, happy boy,

step your ass up here.



Take his gag out.

It's more fun with the screaming.



I like that too. That screaming

is much more exciting that way.



Please don't kill us,

please don't kill us.



Please don't kill us...

nah... please don't kill us.



Shut your mouth

and get your shit in the box.



- Get in now.

- Mama: Wait, wait, wait...



I wanna say goodbye.



Goodbye, sweetie.



We could've been great.



Just let us go, I swear to God

we won't tell anyone.



- I swear...

- Honey, you know I can't do that.



Baby: I swear to God,

we won't tell. I swear to God.



Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?




Get your fucking ass up, boy.




Come on, we aint' got all night.



Where does she think

she's gonna run to?



- She gonna run all the way home?

- No, let me get her.



All right, go get her.



Huntin' humans,

ain't nothin' but nothin'.



They all run like

scared little rabbits.



Run, rabbit, run.



Run, rabbit.



Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit.



Run, rabbit, run!



Run, rabbit!




There once was a woman



who lived with her daughter

in a cabbage garden.



Along came a rabbit

and ate up all the cabbages.



The woman said, "Go into the garden

and drive out the rabbit."






Told you.

I'm gonna get you.









I'm gonna get you.

I'm coming to get you.












"Shoo, shoo," said the maiden.



"Come, maiden," said the rabbit.



"Sit on my tail and go with me

to my rabbit hutch."



(Baby chuckles)



No-ooo, no!



No hanky-panky.

Rufus, put the lid on.









Oh, no!






No, no, no!



Stop! No!









No, no-ooo!



(coyote howling)



(distorted audio)

Bury me in a nameless grave.




Bury me in a nameless grave.



Jerry, wake up, wake...



Jerry, wake up, wake up, wake up.



Bury me in a nameless grave.



Bury me in a nameless grave.



Oh my God!



- Jerry: No-ooo!

- Jerry!



No, Jerry!




Please! Help!



Help me!



I can't see anything!




Jerry? Is that you?







Jerry? Thank God.



Please help me.



(siren wailing)












Oh, God, no, no, no...















God, no, no.



No, no!









(breathing heavy)






Go away!



Go away!



Sweet baby Jesus, girl.

What the hell happened to you?



I got away.



I recognize you.



There's a whole bunch of people

been looking for your ass.



- I gotta get to a doctor.

- All right, all right.



Just sit back and relax.



I'll get you to a doctor.



Come on... that's it,

that's it.



I'll get you there,

yeah, yeah.



Woman: Oh, yeah!






   Ow, she's a brick house   



   Yeah, she's mighty mighty,

just lettin' it all hang out   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   That lady's stacked,

that's a fact,   



   Ain't holdin' nothin' back   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   Well put together,

everybody knows   



   This is how the story goes   



   She knows

she's got everything   



   The woman needs

to get a man   



   Ow, how can she lose   



   With the sex she use   



     -  -  

what a winning hand   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   Yeah, she's mighty mighty,

just lettin' it all hang out   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   That lady's stacked,

that's a fact   



   Ain't holdin' nothin' back   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   Well, she's the one,

the only one   



   Built like an Amazon   



   The clothes she wears,

the sexy ways   



   Oh, they wish for younger days,

well, well   



   She knows she's built

and knows how to please   



   Sure enough can knock

a strong man to his knees   



   She's a brick house   



   Yeah, she's mighty mighty

just lettin' it all hang out   



   Ow, she's a brick house   



   The lady's stacked,

that's a fact   



   Ain't holdin' nothin' back,




   Shake it down,

shake it now, now   



   Shake it down,

shake it now, now, now, ow   



   Shake it down,

shake it now, now   



   Shake it down,

shake it now, now, now, ow...   



   Run, run, run...   



   Run, run, run rabbit   



   Run away   



   Run, run, rabbit   



   Run away   



   Let me get it,

I know what to do   



   Run, run, rabbit   



   Run away   



   A child so pure   



   Dyin' in the clutch   



   A child so pure   



   Down in the hutch   



   Run, run, rabbit   



   Run away.   


Special help by SergeiK