Voila! Finally, the How High
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring
Method Man and Redman. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of How High. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[Bong Water Bubbling, Knocking On Door]
[ Hip-Hop ]
Hits from the bong
Hits from the bong From the bong
[ Bong Water Bubbling ] Hits from the bong From the bong
Hits from the bong Pick it, pack it Fire it up
Come along and take a hit from the bong
Put the blunt down just for a second
Don't get me wrong It's not a new method
Just got an ounce in the mail
I'd like a blunt or a big fat cone
But my double-barrel bong is gettin' me stoned
I'm skillin' There's water inside Don't spill it
Hits from the bong
Gonna get high
Hits from the bong Gonna get high
Let's smoke that bowl Hit the bong
And then take that finger off ofthat hole
Plug it, unplug it Don't strain
I love you, MaryJane [ Pounding on Door]
What the fuck is your problem? No dishwee-saya.
- Me bumbaclot johnson no workin, see? - What?
My raasclot true gashman and me dick won't stay tick, see?
I think I got somethin' for that. Hold on.
Ain't what you want, baby Girl, wake your ass up.
But what you need, baby Damn right you ain't sleep.
Not what you want, baby
It's what you need, baby "Crabs." "Bad Breath."
- Come back with me, baby Satisfaction guaranteed - "Limp Dick." Ha!
Got that dough? Mm-hmm.
Will this make my drill sergeant stand at attention?
No, but it'll make you forget your drill sergeant don't stand at attention.
Blaze two, get at me in the mornin'. Peace!
Yo, Silas, my brother!
Oh, shit, Mikey. Hell, no!
Come on, Silas. I need somethin' to help me out.
Yeah... rehab, mouthwash and a job application. Jeez!
I'm startin' to recognize things.
That's 'cause you comin' down off a three-month crack binge. It's called reality, son.
Later, man. Wait, Silas!
You've got anything for a head wound?
Man, ain't nothin' wrong with your head.
- Aah! - [ Thud]
There is now.
- Now what? Oh, shit, Ive! - What's up, dog?
What's up, nigga? What's crackin'?
Oh, shit. You know.
Hey, you get my message about goin' to the Jets game?
Yo, I wish I could, dog, but I got this little shorty comin' through tonight.
I met her on the Internet... chickenheads.com.
This girl is bangin'!
Yo, we even exchanged pictures and everything!
Damn. This look like your last girlfriend.
Mm-hmm. And did your picture have that nasty...
Al B. Sure pubic patch in it, motherfucker?
This just sprang up. You know what I think it is?
It's the mark of Buddha.
And your haircut game is fucked up.
Girlfriend see that, she gonna shit on you.
This girl is different. All she cares about is Kevin Costner movies.
I'm gonna let Kev do the foreplay, right? Mm-hmm.
And I figured I could get somethin' from Garden of Weeden to make it interesting.
Costner, huh? Dances with Wolves. Mm-hmm.
Field ofDreams. That's a corny motherfucker.
You gonna need some strong shit just to stay awake.
You're feelin' me. You're feelin' me.
That's a four-hour move you're makin', motherfucker.
Whoo! What is this?
Huh? Get up. Dog, you shouldn't have.
Man, I didn't. Get outta here with that shit.
Let me just grab a titty. Hell, no.
She wouldn't even know it was me. To hell with that.
Yeah. What you got for me? Here you go, right here:. the bomb.
Oh, yeah. What's this right here? Aah!
Stop touchin' stuff! When you gonna get funds for this shit?
Look right there. See that right there?
That's a natural aphrodisiac right there.
Come here. Let me show you some more shit. Look right there.
See that right there? That's a painkiller. Look up under there, bro.
You see that? Cure for blue balls.
This ain't shit, all right? Watch yourself.
Yeah, well, your shit is raggedier than a motherfucker, okay?
If you took your head off these ho's and put it in some books,
you'd have that lab you always talked about.
Half those books is filled with bullshit,
the other half lies, all right?
See what I'm sayin'? I gotta give Pops his medicine.
I'm hungrier than four dudes.
Hey, I'm hungrier than five.
Who is you, and what's you doin' in my house,Jack?
I work for Porkchops-O-Chunky.
Whether you're black, or a honky or in-between, you'll love Porkchops-O-Chunky.
Man, that's me! So what's in this stuff?
Nothin' but pork. Wow! Right on!
Why don't you have a bowl... There you go, man.
Yo, you scared to answer your call?
Porkchops-o-Chunky Taste real good
Won't make your bathroom smell funky, yeah
You got a opportunity to do somethin' here...
that the drug companies would never do:. What up? Stay up.
puttin' the power of healin' in the hands of the common man. Yeah, whatever.
What you need to do is concentrate on gettin' the power of booty...
into the hands of your common ass, that's what you need to do.
Don't worry about the Ive. I got mine comin' tonight. Hey, Silas.
Damn, you see the ass on her? Shut up, boy.
Yo, you just remember to take them THC's, at least try to get into college,
workin' in a real lab, makin' some real money.
Yeah, okay. Whatever, man. If you say so, bro.
The world is bigger than Staten Island, dog.
Holler at me. I'll try to.
What's up, ladies? Yo, Si.
If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I got your back, dog.
Ifanything happened to me while Ijumped out a window...
and my hair caught on fire, I got your back, dog.
Ifmy ex came after me with a knife and stabbed me, I got your back!
Man, you talk too fuckin' much. Peace!
Yo, Silas! You better take those college exams!
[ Woman ] Look at Jamal. He's a good boy, huh?
Good boy, my ass. Ask her why I had to cancel my nail appointment...
to go and pick him up in the precinct last week.
Momma, they lyin'. They lyin'?
- They found the weed on you, didn't they? - It wasn't mine.
Then what is this that I found in your bedroom?
Hello. Ma, it is a lamp.
And this is where you turn it on now.
Excuse me? Head.
Now, where did I go wrong with your ass?
You're gonna have to take that THC test and get into a four-year college,
or I'm just gonna cut you off from this family.
Baby, you are the first member ofthis family to go to college,
but six years at a two-year community college is not what I had in mind.
[ Both ] Tell the truth. Baby, I got a dream...
that one day I can put your college diploma...
here under my Jesus, who's master of this house,
next to your brother's prison-issued barber certificate...
and your sister's weave master degree.
Now don't disappoint me, you weed smokin',
three-day-wearin' nasty ass.
Just like your father. Ma,
why you always gotta be talkin' to me like that in front of company?
- These bitches ain't nobody. - [ Both ] Oh!
- Now go warm me up some Porkchops-O-Chunky. - Is that all, Momma?
- Wash your nasty ass. - Is that all, Momma?
I really don't know what you came here for
You the man. Round and round we go
Consider your bags outside the door What's up, baby?
Oh, hell no!
I didn't know you had dreads. And what is that?
Brother just got extensions put in today. They tight, huh?
Where? Between your eyes?
What the hell is that? It's the mark of Buddha.
It's the skid mark of Buddha!
Looks like he took a dump in the middle of your face.
I don't think this is gonna work out. Hold on, now!
Why you doin' this? I'm in the Field ofDreams and Dances with Wolves.
Nigga, you are a wolf.
Chocolate diva! Nubian goddess!
I'm gonna take you off my buddy list, bitch! [Door Opens, Closes ]
I hope you get a virus... you and your computer! [ Tires Squeal]
[ Man Whispering On TV ] If you build it, they will come.
[ Man # On TV ] What you mean, "If you build it, they gonna come"?
Who's gonna come to a fuckin' cornfield? Who gonna cut the grass?
I know you don't expect me to sell no peanuts out this, bitch.
Shit remind me of slavery, Roots and shit.
I don't play this, man.
Hey, what was that? Annie! Crazy ho!
Only way I'm comin' is if you got some females and some chronic.
Then we all gonna be comin'. That voicejust now, what was it?
- We didn't hear anything. - You got some nice titties, dog. Word.
What titties? What? Okay, you must've heard that.
It's a good baseball field, Ray. It's kinda pretty, isn't it?
Uh, yeah. T old you.
Did not. No, you did not. You been busy plowin' my corn. Did.
[ Screaming ]
Mark ofBuddha, my ass. Look at you now... dead, ashes.
Damn, Ivory. After all these years of blazin',
who would've thought the last thing to wind up smokin' would be your ass?
I'm gonna miss you, dog,
and I'm gonna be thinkin' about you while I'm taking them THC's.
And if you're really my boy,
you'll make sure I pass that motherfucker, ya heard?
Thanks, Pops. Matter of fact, what's up with that little...
Can I get a little... Never mind. Forget it.
Rude-ass motherfucker. Stingy bastard!
Ooh, Ivory! My, how you've grown!
[ Sniffs ] Wow!
Damn, Ivory! I had no idea you could stink so good, nigga!
Oh, hey, man, get that car fixed, yo.
[ Car Sputtering ]
[Radio ] Cisco Kid was a friend ofmine
Man, get the fuck outta here, man!
Look at this little-ass bag of fuckin' weed! Cisco Kid
[Radio: Reggae ]
Yes, Lord. [ Sniffs ] Ooh, damn!
He drink whiskey Pancho drink the wine
[ Passes Gas ] Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh, shit!
My weed! Oh! Oh!
No cigar? No! [Reggae Continues ]
Fuck! Fuck! Bitch! Fuck! Fuck!
To think thatjammin' was a thing ofthe...
Man, that shit smell good as hell, dog.
I'm Jamal. Peace. Silas.
Say, you tryin' to get somethin' to bring them nerves down too, huh, bro?
Yeah, I figure if I study high, take the test high, get high scores.
[ Both ] Right.
Look at that car. Is it on fire?
Hit that, son. [ Coughing ]
[ Gagging ] [ Coughing ]
Yo! [ Coughs ]
This is the shit. That shit is called Ivory.
It's the shit. That's the Ivory.
Goddamn! That is the shit.
Hey, y'all pass that, kid?
I just gave it to the guy in the back, man.
Guy in the back? What the fuck are you...
What's up, dog? That's Ivory.
No, that's the Ivory, bro.
Damn. Ivory! Holy shit!
You got to be kiddin' me! Yo, yo, you, Silas! Chill out! Silas!
What the fuck is goin' on? Ain't you supposed to be dead?
I am dead, but this is what happens when you smoke your boy.
Holy shit! Man, let me try that! Silas, relax.
Can we talk about this in your car?
Can we talk about this in your car?
Look. I know how you can get hi gh scores.
I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost.
Don't touch me, man. It's me, dog.
What are you doin'? You just runnin' the streets, fuckin' with the livin'?
No, bro. I'm just here for you.
But you gotta understand people can only see me when they smoke me.
I got all the answers. I can consult with people.
Socrates, Nietzsche... even the old dude who made up this test.
That's bullshit. I bullshit you not.
I told you I have your back, even if I got hit by a bus.
Your ass didn't even get hit by a bus.
[ Screaming ]
I made it! I can't feel my legs, but I'm alive!
- [ Horn Honks ] - [ Screams ]
- And you predicted that shit? - Yeah.
What are you doin'here? You gonna hook me up with a chick...
with no gag reflex or some shit like that?
Even better. I'm gonna be in there with you.
By the time I'm done with you, every college in the country will be knockin' at your door.
Ow! Shit! Man, I must not be high enough, man.
- He a ghost, man. - Cool. That explains everything.
I'm up here tryin' to put my fuckin' hand through the...
We've never had anybody, let alone two people, get a perfect score.
We either have a one-in-six-billion phenomenon or a cheat.
Damn! But it would have been impossible...
for either of you to cheat, you had two totally different versions of the test.
Congratulations. These scores are going to get you into any college in the country.
Yo, we still high on that Ivory?
[ Bells Jingling ]
[Man ] Dean, it's as simple as this.
The trustees of the university are riding my ass...
about getting some color up at Harvard.
Excuse me? Ethnic diversity.
The trustees seem to think we need it.
How come we don't have more minorities? How should I know?
Ifwe don't do something soon, I might get fired.
What about Upchuck Kamalu? He's Eskimo.
Why isn't he considered as a minority? And I brought him in.
Yes, but it's breaking the bank keeping his igloo frozen.
Dean, what about those two guys I read about from the tri-states?
They made perfect scores on their THC's!
I saw those guys' pictures. They look like mug shots!
I don't care. I want them!
At Reparations Technical Institute, we offer a cornucopia ofeducational...
and business opportunities for brothers and sisters to pursue hi gher learning.
Read from the brochure, brother. Brothers, join us...
at Reparations Technical Institute and learn hatred for the white devil...
in a relaxed campus atmosphere, where classes range...
from... to... Hatred for the White Devil... Advanced Hatred for the White Devil...
- Next! - You think you're all hot tamales right now, I'll tell you.
Why don't you come to the base and understand what it's really like to be somebody special?
You can work hard, you learn...
- and then you can build refrigerators and such. - Next!
- Taking a vow of celibacy, - Next.
- frees your mind and your body. - Next! Next!
Harvard? Man, ain't it a lot ofrichie people up there?
Shit, I gotta roll up that joint, dog.
Well, with test scores like theses, you can roll up anyjoint you want.
But Harvard, gentlemen, is not just any joint. It's an institution.
All I wanna do is develop my herbal in a real lab...
and get some head while I'm doin' it.
Well, we have the finest botany department in the world...
and a quality of life like no other...
music, artistsand the women.
So, does it sound tempting? Ivy League atmosphere?
A place where you can really grow academically?
Shit, I fucks with ya. Shit, I fucks with you too.
- Is that good? - Yes, that's a "yes."
Then we'll fucks with each other.
Then we'll fucks with each other.
Eh, yo. Damn!
[Silas ] Alls look like they still in high school, yo.
If there's grass on the infield, play ball.
Where the fuck is orientation at, anyway?
[ Both ] Yeah!
[ Wolf Calls ]
- What the fuck was that? -Jesus!
If I can pull off six years at a community college,
I know I can get at least years up in this motherfucker.
Yo, how much of that Ivory shit we got anyway?
We limited, all right? We gonna have to split this shit up.
You know what I'm sayin'? We only blaze at test times.
What, no wake and bake? Got other stuff for that.
Remember those artifacts that I found this summer? Well, I was right!
They are Ben Franklin's! Great!
Did you figure out where you wanna eat dinner tonight?
Dinner? Bart, you know, some of these things are...
They look like earlier inventions,
and if I can discover what these are,
it could be the greatest find in the history of anyone attending Harvard.
I loves Ben Franklin, girl,
and I could listen to you talk about his stinkin'ass all day long.
Oh, do anybody know where the financial aid office is?
Well, my man, let me think.
See that statue right there? It's beautiful, isn't it?
That statue is in the likeness of my great granddaddy Dooster,
so I'm guessin' that would be the Dooster House...
the financial aid office.
Gee, I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually needed to go there.
All we did was come over for directions.
Ifwe came over here and asked if anybody needed their ass kicked,
you wouldn't sound so fuckin' smug, now would you?
My bad, bro. We got off on the wrong foot.
Let's start over. I'm Bart. Yeah, I'm Jamal.
Well, my friend, this is crew, but don't even think about it.
You don't look like you could hang,Jamaine.
The name's Jamal, and I'll fuck your crew up.
Who are they? Who are they, goddamn it? It's rowing,Jimmy Jam.
[ Mumbles ] Well, Bart-fart, you got skills in it?
I'm captain of the team.
If you can do it, I can do it, sucker. Right, goddamn it!
This isn't basketball, J. Rock.
I train all year round for three seasons to make number one in single sculls.
You about to be number two, 'cause I'm signin' up, buddy.
Well, practice starts tomorrow at :. a.m., all right?
Fine! I don't mind cutting my evening short to be there.
As dean of freshmen, I have welcomed students from all over the world.
From Korea, from Rome...
Students enter Harvard with a variety of goals.
Excuse me. Are we in the right place?
-Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? - You? You?
Uh, as I was saying,
Harvard isn't for everyone.
Oh, shit. We got a black man for a teacher.
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. What's up, bro? Hallo. We straight, dog.
We straight. [Barks ]
- As I was saying... - What's wrong with this ass?
He probably been locked up more times than me and your ass put together.
Get 'im! No green Jimmy the Cricket suit-wearin' ass motherfucker.
Get 'im! No short Colin Powell haircut, havin'-ass motherfucker.
Get 'im! Little Angela Davis moustache...
wearin'-ass motherfucker! Get 'im!
You ol' Richard Pryor shortcut, fade-havin'-around-the-side wearin' motherfucker!
You little Sammy Davis award Junior afro-haircut- havin'-ass motherfucker!
Get 'im! You I ittle dynamite Disco Danny double-statin'...
Get 'im! You little dog-with-a-haircut...
If you don't mind, I'd like you to sit down. I would like to continue.
Excuse me. Watch your toes. Watch the colon. Excuse me.
[ Imitating Passing Gas ] Thank you for your...
We here at Harvard are rooted in tradition.
Fuck is this?
- That's toilet water. - [ Spits ]
It's a part of my pledge. Do you guys mind?
No, but do you mind talkin' that way?
'Cause your breath smell like straight ass-crack, bro.
Isn't there a hip-hop convention you two should be at or something?
- Oh, shark has fangs! - Oh! Word. Hey, go easy on him.
We probably the only blackheads he seen since he looked in the mirror.
Can you guys just show a little respect? Jeez!
- This class is fuckin' boring. I'm outta here! - Uh, excuse me.
Did I hear you say something? With all due respect sir, suck my dick.
[ All Gasp ]
No, sir, I'm not saying anything. It... It's these guys.
- You're an asshole. - Did you call me an asshole?
- No, I said "idiot." - An idiot?
No, sir. What did you say?
- I said that this school has nice halls. - This is not funny.
You couldn't teach your way out of kindergarten class, Dean.
I think we've had enough interruptions for today. I think you should leave!
Sir... [ Students Laughing ]
This would never have happened if I were black.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Better pull back on those pedals, boy. Why?
Maximum speed on campus is M.P.H.'s.
Fifty bucks? Oh, man, I can't pay this.
Well. This isn't even a real ticket.
It's a student citation. I'm a volunteer.
You need to pay that by Friday at : ...
That was uncalled for. Eat me.
You just earned yourself another citation. Fuck off!
[Bike Horn Honking] Well, well, well.
Look who we have here.
Damn, this bike phat as hell! Whoa! Don't touch!
All right, leave the bike alone. Did you just call me fat? And what is that stench?
That's my cologne Can only buy it from Mennen.
I don't know what that is. Forewarning, gentlemen:
You better watch your mouths and your behind.
See, I'm lookin' for the ecstasy. I'm lookin' for the pot.
Oh, yeah. I'm lookin' for those 'shrooms.
Shit, we lookin' for that shit too!
What are you talkin' about? [ Both ] Same thing you talkin' about.
What are we talkin' about? Look, Gerald. Either your holdin',
or go to your little roadster and move the fuck on, okay?
It's Volunteer Officer Pickelstein, and I am watching you.
Oh, I'm watching you... like a hawk.
Like a hawk! Somebody needs a hug.
Don't worry, baby. You can suck my dick after class.
Oh, she wants me. Welcome to Lovell House.
You look funky fresh, and funky fresh...
always likes funky fresh women.
"Amir: Professional student/ resident advisor for you."
And professional player. So, what's mine is yours,
and what's yours I've probably already had.
You and you and me, we're the same: Africa tan.
- The original man was like us, man. - Whatever, nigga.
"I believe in the Fly Club, its traditions and its ideals.
[ Rap ] I believe in the..." Excuse me. Do you have to play that loud?
- I'm trying to study my pledge book. - This Niggas With Attitude.
If you smart, you tell people you love NWA. They think you cool.
A coupla notes get you hogtied and roped Dope like guns
Why you wear smelly eggs?
These eggs are a part of my pledging.
I am getting thousands of lifetime connections here.
I'm gonna be a part of a fraternity.
Hey, hey, hey! What's up? What's up? What's up?
Oh, God. One glove, my brothers!
I am Tuan, child prodigy.
Well, I'm Jamal, a pothead.
Fresh gear, man! You like?
I designed it myself. I call it "BF."
- BUFU. - Oh, no. Not you two!
Pink-ass Paul Bunyan plaid-pussy-shirt-wearin'...
Man, I'll fuck your ass up. Shut up.
Okay, but if you two are our roommates, who's that?
That's I Need Money! Goddamn!
Okay, but, what's his name?
I Need Money!
[ Cash Register Dings ]
- Doesn't talk. How come he? - I Need Money, he's a mute.
When we first hooked up, he wrote on a slip of paper "I Need Money."
I said, "Shit! Me too,"
and we started makin' it together after that.
- Where he stayin'? - Harvard.
Lovell House. Second Floor, right on the couch.
But he's smoking in our room. That's not legal.
Just be cool, and you might have some fun this semester.
Stupid. [ Coughs ]
NWA? Kid, what do you know about that?
Yeah, yeah. I love Niggers With Attitudes.
Nobody... I repeat, nobody...
- drops the N-bomb up in here. - Nobody.
- That go for you too. - Hey, I am down with you, man.
You East coast, I Far East coast.
I'm from Wisconsin.
Yo, fresh and funky.
Dean Cain wants to see you in his office. Don't be late.
Gentlemen, this institution has graduated...
countless Fortune C.E.O.'s,
Nobel laureates and presidents.
where's all them fly-ass women the chancellor was talkin' about?
I mean, so far, I only seen some stuck-up,
nerdy-ass-lookin' women out there.
[ Time Bomb Ticking ]
[ Crunch ]
Aah! [ Vacuum Whirring ]
You were dropping Chee-tos...
You were dropping Chee-tos...
on an original th-century handwoven tapestry!
You mean, this carpet?
This is out of my personal collection.
I got this in my travels to Nepal!
Man, I know the bitch that make these rugs. You know Juanita.
- Yeah, I remember that bitch. - It means the world to me!
Now, as I was saying, here at Harvard...
we have very high standards.
Any student on a scholarship...
must maintain at least a . average, or you will be expelled.
It's good to know we have the support of the faculty, Dean.
And don'tyou worry. Me and Jamal here,
we're all about good grades. - Is that right, Mr. King?
Hell, motherfuck... I mean, yes, sir, Dean Cain, sir.
Slam, slam, brother My brother
Is that the one that you want
Slam, slam, brother My brother, is that the one that you want
Now, how is carbon dioxide changed into oxygen?
Plants, dick! God ! You guys!
Jamal. Jamal. Jamal.
Sleepyhead, wake up!
[ Clock Beeping ]
I got somethin' for your ass.
[ Grunts ]
[ Loud Rock ]
[ Continues ]
[ Indistinct ]
Come on, gentlemen! Pick it up if you want to be part of this squad!
Whew! What took y'all guys so long?
Coach, I have not lost an oar run in three years.
I'm wonderin' if this guy cheated.
Cheated? Man, fuck you!
Why is fuckin'Dick Butt-kiss over here always ridin'me?
Dick Butt-kiss? Did you hear that, Coach? He's cursing!
Bart, I think you'd better go open up the boathouse.
But, Coach! Bart!
I don't think you wanna see this.
Come here. Come here!
Nice comeback on the Dick Butt-kiss. I wish I could have said that.
His parents have been driving me crazy, making my life a misery for years,
but they give lots of money to the university.
I have to go to those lousy cocktail parties.
She has lousy perfume, and he has a lousy toupee.
Anyway, you keep throwing zingers to this jerk-off,
and you're gonna make the team, son.
And let that be a lesson to you! This is the last time!
All right, rookies, push-ups! Get down!
Yo, what's up with the fast stroll?
Can I holler? Hi.
The role played...
by the African-Americans in the history ofthis country...
has been largely unnoticed.
Of course, history is the record of an account of the past,
but the issue here is, who is recording the account?
If it's Snowflake, Whitey...
Paleface, Peckeoods, Cracker,
well, we got Cleopatra looking like Elizabeth Taylor,
Jesus looks like a hippie in a dashiki.
But if it's one of my proud black people that's doing the recording of the account...
Well, we might have Moses looking like...
this fine black man right here.
But black people don't get any credit. I'm sore as a motherfucker, man.
Who invented the air conditioner? A black man.
What's up, dogs?
Yo, son, I'm sore as a bitch in here. And you know what else?
I'm gonna have to knock that Bart character the fuck out.
Once again, a black man.
Can't this wait till after class? You're supposed to be in here anyway.
This is Black History. Black History?
Man, it look like all the black students that was in here are history, nigga.
- Shh! - You tellin' me to "shh"? See what I mean?
Fuck history. Oh, that's right.
- Fuck history. - Yeah, fuck history.
I'm Mr. Moses. I expect you'll be ready for your quiz tomorrow. Quiz, my ass!
The white man teachin' Black History, anyway, that's some bullshit.
I'm goin' to lunch, take a nice long shit.
That's the kind of attitude I like to hear. And, uh, where are you going?
Um, we didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.
Ooh, all right! Malcolm X!
I'm glad someone's appreciating the knowledge I'm dropping on you today.
What about you two? Why don't yo walk out and protest with your brothers?
Walk out on me! What are you doing sitting there? You look like Whitey.
You look like a couple of goddamn Uncle Toms! Walk on out!
That's right, get up and move! You should lynch me!
Lynch me for what my people have done to your people.
Stand up for your rights Move on up! Move on up!
Go, go, go, go.
Hey, what's up?
[ Screaming ] Stop!
Hey, what's going on here?
He took my baby! Stop!
Bring my baby back!
Bike, bike Not my baby! Oh, God!
Oh, please, God! Come back!
Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle
Bicycle Oh, no!
Oh, my God! My wheels!
Oh, my horn! Please don't back up! Please don't back up!
Hey, you! Where's E I m and Thi rd?
What? Don't go foard!
Not forward! [ Screams ]
- That's not yours! - Look at these, bro!
No, don't put 'em in... Oh, my baby!
Can anyone tell me the name ofthis plant? Bart?
Oh, yeah. It's a, uh, hanging rubber plant.
It's indigenous to the wet drylands of the Northern Hemisphere.
Yeah, right, Bart. Would you bet money on that?
Or is that like below the "Dooster Principle"?
Yeah, I'll bet on it. How about an S.U.V.? I got three of 'em.
And the survey says, [ Imitates Buzzer] "You lose."
It's a neem plant, Professor.
Oui. It is, but how did you know that, Silas?
I had this nasty-ass rash once.
Put a little neem plant on it, cleared it up in an hour.
- I even smoked it before. - Well, that figures.
One thing it doesn't cure, though? Bein' a spoiled little bitch.
I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plant,
something that may benefit mankind.
And if you devise something groundbreaking,
I guarantee you an "A" in this course. Class dismissed.
Good work, everyone. Keep up the good work. Thank you.
[ Lauren ] So, he likes plants, does he?
I see still waters run deep. Please believe.
But wait till you see my presentation.
You gonna love me after that.
So, Lauren, you might as well tell him now and get it over with.
What? You know. How you said...
you're startin' to see Bart for the shallow bastard that he is,
and eventually you're gonna leave his ass for me.
This semester in Women's Studies, we will discuss...
how women are objectified in popular culture,
while the masculine bastards exploit women's ideas for great profit,
- then take all the credit. -Jamal!
- Ijust wanna touch you tease you, lick you - You have the most amazing...
Please you love you, hold you penis.
Yes, I do. Make love to you
And I'm gonna kiss you suck you
Taste you, ride you feel you deep inside me
So you're playin' grabby-ass again, huh?
- Ma! - Did you wash your ass today?
Aah! Aah! Damn, Ma! Stop, Ma!
You hi gh yet? Hell, no, man. Maybe not high enough.
Where the hell is he? [ Coughs ]
Maybe I ain't hit it hard enough.
What are you doin' in there? Droppin' your kids off at the pool?
Hey, what's up,J? Give me five.
Yo, I hate it when you do that. I love that funny shit.
- What took you so long, man? - Biggie and 'Pac, they throwin' a party, man.
Open bar all night, man. Everything was cool, man,
till Marvin Gaye came in there trippin'.
- Marvin Gaye? - Yeah.
Listen, man, we got a test in about five minutes. Word.
What's that got to do with me? I know you ready. You studied for it.
Ready? We ain't studied...
Come on, son. You've got a golden opportunity here...
to make somethin' of yourself, and you just throwin' it away?
- It's time for you to learn a lesson. - Come on, Ive.
I'm out, man. Ive!
Don't play! Yo, talk to your boy.
Why you go and tell him we ain't studied for the test? Damn all that!
You should've thought about all that before you got us... What's up!
I was just fuckin' with you, man.
Come on, son. This is some good shit.
You know you my boy, man.
"C," Silas. Come on, man. It's Portuguese.
. That's "B."
J, what are you doin'? "B."
Trust me. I got all the answers. You just told me that answer.
"A," French. Definitely the French.
[ Women Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
Goddamn virgins. At least y'all bein' entertained.
I ain't seen a stitch of pussy on this whole campus.
The chickens are not clucking around here.
You've come to the right place. I've been an undergrad for years.
I know everything there is to know about Ivy League women.
Twelveyears? Damn, kid.
Your people payin' for all this shit?
A drop in the bucket, sucker. I remain here solely for the purpose of...
hooking up with Harvard women...
short ones, tall ones,
skinny ones, chunky ones.
Man, I'd love me a fat chick, man. More cushion for the pushin'.
Yes. I want to boldly go where no man has gone before.
I am an explorer.
I see you are very much liking to explore S. T.D.'s also, my friend.
That shit on your lip got some shit on its lip, dog.
Is that why no puff-puff? Pass the dutchie, my friends.
This is nothing! I cut myself shaving. Yeah, whatever.
We need to start importin' some ho's.
[ Girl] Molly, get in here! You have to see this!
Oh, my! Look at those muscles!
- He is quite attractive. - Indeed.
I think there's some freak in those gigs.
Yeah! Here we go.
Don't get the wrong idea. We've never done this before.
Virgins? No, you're not.
- Yes, we are. Yes! - Nah!
[ Men ] No, no, no.
[ Women ] Yes, yes, yes.
[ Men ] No, no, no!
[ Women ] Yes, yes, yes!
[ Screaming, Groaning Continue ]
Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh!
Why do good girls like bad guys Hey, bro, change for a ?
Heyyo, Boo like bad guys Good girls
Showin' that bad guys Showin' that thigh
And why do want a honey with class Dog niggaz
Sometimes you want more than just a honey with ass
Hey, yo, who would ever think that the two would go good
[ Fades ] H istory!
Got an "A-pl us," my ni gga.
Whew-whew! Who is that?
- That is all me, G. - That's the vice president's daughter,
as in vice president of the United States.
Jamal, you don't want that. Them girls only know three words:
"stop," "no" and "don't."
Uh-oh, my brother. You got those words backwards.
They always tell me, "No, don't stop!"
Excuse me. Player, player.
We are about to tighten this ass up right here.
She's got this long, black hair
It's a-hangin' on down her back
Long, black, pretty legs and she walksjust like a cat
Hypnotic eyes and a stacked-up love sack
She not only wants your love she wants your life after that
Don't do it Don't give your love to sexy Ida
'Cause she's a sister ofthe black widow spider
Sorry, si r. Jamie's not accepting any male callers at this time.
Man, I ain't callin'. I'm right here.
Cedric, step aside.
[ Barking ]
What's your name? I'm Jamal.
You ever been arrested, Jamal? Uh, no.
Ever busted up your mother's house and slapped her when she asked you about it?
Oh, hell, no! Crazy?
You ain't my type.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold! Hold! Hold!
I once got arrested for stealin' a car one time,
but my mother dropped the charges.
Well, it's not a felony, but maybe we can work with that.
[ Panting ]
- I didn't mean to scare you. Can I come in? - Um...
Sure, come on in.
Move my things. There you go. You can sit there.
Thank you. How very thoughtful.
You'll have to pardon my dust.
I've got a lot of artifacts and delicate things down here.
What's this shit? Looks old. Oh, it is old.
It's over years old.
I, um, sort of discovered it.
You discovered all this crazy shit. You a straight-up genius, girl.
Well, I don't know about all that.
I do know it's Ben Franklin's. I just don't know what it is.
But I was thinking that it could be like this old Revolutionary cannon...
or a telescope, or...
Whatever it is, this shit is hot.
Let me ask you somethin'. Yeah.
How'd you hook up with that Bart dude?
I've known Bart all my life,
and if it weren't for his family, I probably wouldn't be here.
Isn't that... sweet?
Look, you got a little somethin' on your dress.
- My eyes. - Aha!
Bart, honey, sweetie, you are just in time...
because I've just finished studying.
I didn't know the two of you were studying in here, alone, with the lights dimmed,
Look, Silas, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to frick her!
[ Gasps ]
Whatever, Bart-kowski. Listen, I was just admiring your girl's, uh, thing.
Oh, well, I guess I should say "thanks."
This is a part of history, man.
Your girl is doin' somethin' I think you need to recognize.
- Yeah? So? - Listen, I'm out.
Um, maybe next time I'll get to study with you. Peace.
"Peace"is meant to explain a state of tranquility.
So why don't you try thinking of another way to say "good-bye,"
now that you're amongst civilized people?
Well, Mr. Civilized, "peace" can also be used interjectionally...
as a request, greeting or farewell.
So try to find another way to be an asshole...
if you don't know your grammar, that is.
God. Can I get my stuff?
It was near the medical library.
I think they said it was one of those tick-tocky, blow-uppy,
exploding thingy, pipe bomb thing-things.
Thank you. You too.
All righty. Bye.
"Dooster Principle," my ass.
[ Jamal ] Man, my grandmother would love this shit in her garden.
Locked on, boys.
Yee-hah! Look out!
That statue was priceless. It means everything to our family.
Will you stop your damn sniveling, son?
Buck up, Bart! Buck up!
Yo, do you think they gonna find out we stole the Dooster statue?
Oh, my God. I knew it.
You guys stole the Dooster! They do what?
Fellas, I think it's time we all sat down and kicked it.
No, no, I'm not kicking anything.
I have a pledge meeting to go to and haven't greased myself up.
God, Ijust don't get you guys.
There's a lot ofthings in life your assjust don't get.
Yeah, like pussy and respect.
I heard that.
See, the system is geared to put...
most of the wealth into the hands of a few.
Rich weapons, poor schooling.
Yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, for sure.
Y'all don't know shit. I'm gonna learns you, though. I'm gonna learns you.
Them motherfuckers don't wanna see a black man make it.
Yeah. Know what I mean?
For sure. Know what I mean?
And I'll tell you somethin' else.
Oh, what you missed this You got to bear witness
Catch a ho and another ho Merry Christmas
Yes, I smoke shit Straight offthe roach clip
I roll shit, fold the blunt at once to approach it For sure.
Forward motion Make you sway like the ocean
Forward motion Make you sway like the ocean
The herb is more than just a powerful potion What's the commotion
Word up, young M C. You're just in time to help cheer us to victory.
Bart, you know, I think you keep getting funnier every day.
You ain't gonna be laughin' in a minute, motherfucker.
Jamal. Bart, I've decided since you and Jamal are my two best athletes,
I want you up against Yale. Ah!
You can't just change the lineup! That's against the rules!
What rules? Who cares? Do you guys care about the rules?
[ All ] No. There you go.
[Man On P.A. ] In the far lane, we have Yale.
In the near lane, we have Harvard.
On your mark, get set...
[ Air Horn Blows ] And they're off! It's a clean start.
What are you doing, Hip-Hop Hooray? Paddle!
Paddle like a man! Shoot the J! Get diggy with it. Something.
[Man On P.A. ] They're blowin'Harvard's ass out ofthe water.
Jamal, what is your ass doin'rowin'a boat?
- You supposed to be in class. - Who the hell is that woman in the sky?
- I don't know. - What's the matter?
- You been smokin' too much ganja, huh? - [ Bart ] She's huge!
I guess you mi ght as well come back home and live with me.
- Oh, hell, no! - Did you cuss at me?
Row, motherfucker, row!
Yes, Dean Cain. Am I to believe this is correct?
Jamal and Silas have gotten all "A's"?
I'll call you back.
How you doin', Dean? How you doin'? How you been?
I see you're checkin' out my gear, eh?
- Pretty tight, right? - Actually, it's rather baggy.
No, man. It's fat, dope, cool. It's BUFU, man.
Bill, what has happened to you? Sit down and take off those glasses.
Tell me, how is Jamal doing?
Oh, fine. He's coming along.
Now, listen, Jamie's father is having an upcoming election,
and it won't look good if she's involved with someone from the lower class.
Isn't Jamie a freshman?
All right. So you want me to tell Jamal to stop seeing Jamie.
Well, I could that, but he'll tell me, "Hey, man..."
Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you!
Point well taken. I need you to help me get proof...
that Jamal is diddling Jamie.
Oh, I see now, yes. It's all good, yeah.
I'll go holler at him, son. Oh, yeah.
Bill, did you just call me "son"? Hmm?
Stroke, smoke. Stroke, smoke.
Good. Stroke, smoke.
Stroke, smoke. Stroke, smoke.
Hey, Dean Cain think he can kick me out the school that easy?
- He got another thing comin'. - What an asshole.
Hey, Coach, thanks a lot, man. I owe you.
[ Inhaling] [ Woman ] Ooh!
Listen, Jamie. Me and you cannot see each other no more.
No more datin', no more foolin' around.
None of that. It stop. That's it.
Yes, it's probably better ifwe stop seeing each other...
for the sake of my father's campaign.
If he lost the election and it was my fault,
gosh, golly, that would be so hard on me.
I don't think I could live with myself.
Look, baby, maybe it would be better if you went to school somewhere down south.
[ Jamal Laughing ]
I think you should go down south first.
This guy's a real asshole.
I can't. I can't do it, all right?
Bring your ass over here! We got work to do before Dean Dickhead gets back.
Please! Come on!
Aren't you worried about getting kicked out?
For this? He ain't gonna never find out. Relax.
[ Cooing ]
What happened to bird? Crazy shitting everywhere?
Crazy shit, all right, and it will be everywhere.
- With that, they just won't shit. - Yeah.
They're gonna blow up.
And, as for you two,
ever since you arrived on this campus, there's been several mishaps.
Now my instincts tell me it's you, but I can't prove it... not yet.
But I know if I give you enough time,
pretty soon you're going to slip up,
and then I'll be able to send you back to your miserable existence.
What the hell are you wearing?
- BUFU! - BUFU?
"Buy us, fuck you!"
Get out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
"Buy us, fuck you."
[ Jamal ] If the chancellor throwin' a Halloween party,
wait till Harvard see our Halloween party!
Yeah, but if Dean Cain find out about this shit,
he gonna be mad as a motherfucker.
What the fuck is he gonna do? We've got the Ivory.
We're gettin' straight "A's."
We've got this motherfucker locked up.
They look like they got money. Oh, he kinda cute.
Girl, we gonna get paid!
Ooh, how you doin'? For real!
End-table ass! Hella Back!
Where the party at? We're tryin' to get a party on.
We havin' a party... costume party at the Lovell House.
Please bring your ass and titties along with you.
- We want all the ho's out here to come. - Did you just call us ho's?
- I meant that in a good way. - Oh, okay.
Bring all your horny friends. There you go. Just bring all the ho's.
Y'all gonna pay us, right?
- I don't hear nothin'. - Yeah, we got dough.
Yeah, we got dough. If not, our best friends got dough.
And if not, they best friends got dough.
Yeah, we down with that. Ballers and stuff gonna be there?
Ass, titties, ballers. Go, girl, go!
We gonna be there. All right!
[ Both ] Popcorn player.
I got one more delivery to make.
Guess who used to be black.
Dean Cain. But he is black.
Like a polar bear, but I got a recipe...
that'll inject some ghetto back in his ass.
Got some more beer. What did you do to yourself?
Oh, oh, the Fox Club.
Theyput me in a shopping cart and shoved me down a hill.
Thank God I fell out before I hit the freeway.
What the fuck you doin'? Put the milk back! You're not supposed to steal from us!
Why are you always taking violent tones with people?
Man, shut up before I kick your ass.
As human beings, we should be able to talk this out, not resort to violence.
How you gonna talk when you shuttin' up? Fine! Fine!
You want some violence? You want a piece of this?
Come on! I'll show you some violence! Come on!
[ Screaming ]
Ow! Oh, God!
Now go to time-out. Go to your room.
[ Panting ]
[Doorbell Rings ]
I wonder who this could be.
Oh, my goodness. Honey, look at this.
I wonder who these are from.
"Dear Carl, saw these and thought of you.
Love, Mrs. Ray."
It's my old schoolmarm! I haven't heard from her in years!
Oh, how sweet.
She knows I love brownies.
Mmm! A little piece of heaven. Better than mine?
Darling, I don't remember you cooking brownies. You're right, I don't.
Hurry up, darling, you're going to make us late, and you know I hate to be late.
All right. I'll take these upstairs.
I'll have another one. They're great.
This is how we do it Throw me a beer, you big weenie!
- This is how we do it - Whoo!
[ Continues ]
Lovell House! [ Burps ]
Life is hell. What up, fellas? What's up?
- How was the trip? - Good. Good.
I see Monks couldn't make it, so I brought my man I Need Money.
- Is he any good? - He don't talk. He speaks with his hands.
Right, right. You have a good show.
I'm out. [Record Scratches ]
Hey, hey, hey. Don't fuck up tonight, all right?
What the fuck is the plate for, man?
[ Rhythmic Scratching ]
Gonna be a long night.
Carl. How are you? Philip. Wonderful.
You know Miss Jenowitz from the Chemistry Department, Nice to see you.
and Miss Lovell from Administration.
And of course you know my wife Sheila.
I almost didn't recognize you. I thought you'd brought a professional model.
You look lovely. Oh, Philip!
- Yeah, the bitch is fine, isn't she? - What?
Dear, can you at least feign some interest? You're embarrassing me.
And will you loosen up? You're so stiff sometimes. Stiff?
Bart, this party is stiff. Excuse me, can you hold this? I'm hot.
Can you put this back on, actually? Your butt is sticking out.
- What? - What a jerk!
Don't spoil your appetite, Dean. We're about to have some lobster bisque...
and Indian pudding that doesn't stop.
I got the munchies like a motherfucker. Hold this, baby.
He seems unusual tonight. He's dehydrated.
Dance! [ Grumbles ]
Yo, baby, this is boring as hell. Yo, yo, yo, yo, deejay !
[Music Stops ] Hit me!
[ Chattering ]
Come here, girl!
[ Hooting, Chattering ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I told you I had you covered. There go the two big ballers right there.
[ Both Grunting ]
You two stay put. [Jeffrey] I'm gonna hurt you!
[ Grunting Continues ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yo, J. Yo, T.
See those two fine ass ho's right there?
Don't you wish they were really ho's...
and they came over here and said,
"We want to run a dick-sucking marathon with y'all two"?
Oh, yeah. I'd like that. Me too!
Mm, okay. You and you.
We wanna run a dick-suckin' marathon with y'all.
Okay. I'm not that good at it.
Oh, baby, I ain't laughin'. I'm gonna make you mine.
- Smells good. - Ooh, you pretty boy-lookin' motherfucker.
Hey, don't be scared. It's only pussy. Oh!
Don't be scared. [ Laughs ]
I got two inches of hard dick!
I'll work with you, baby. Come on.
"Costume party. Place: Lovell House, Time: Friday."
It is Friday. But that's what she told Cocoa Butter.
These bitches better be gettin' my money. Hella Back is my bottom bitch.
You know that, right? Right. Powder.
Bitch better be out here checkin' my motherfuckin' money.
Don't cuss when I'm tryin' to listen to the Word. The Lord don't like that.
- What did I say? - You said "bitch,"
and "bitch" ain't in the Bible.
I know, bitch, and neither is "motherfucker." So drive this motherfuckin' car.
And you an assistant pimp. You ain't even a real pimp.
So you supposed to be cosigning to the shit that I say.
You wanna lose your job, I will pull your motherfuckin' application.
Now let's practice it. Where's my bitches? Where's my bitches?
Where's my bitches? Where's my bitches?
You gotta say it together. It goes in together.
Where's my bitches? Okay, check this out.
Where my bitches? Can't we just say "employees"?
What about your employees? No, fuck that!
Oh, yeah! Great ass!
Box up just like bein' in your chest, thinks she got away, don't hold your breath
Spinnin' on a track with Red and Meth
Open up a fat one and smoke up the sess, see these, we the ones with the Wheaties
Treadin' on them all Come on, believe me, look who it is with the hokey feel
Look, an assassin from Cypress Hill DJ just resonated
[ Crowd Chanting ] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Oh, Silas, hi. Hey, hey.
Um, let me ask you a question. Now don't laugh. But, um...
[ Clears Throat ] Does my ass look fat? No.
Put another one on the front just like it,
I'll slap both them motherfuckers. Badow! Badow!
[ Both Chuckle ] Here. Peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure.
Come on. Let me holler at you.
Okay. All right.
[R&B ] Oh, that's my song!
What's this? Ooh, you got a big sword, baby!
I-I have to go prepare.
Oh, you ain't got to do shit, baby,
except climb out of this costume and climb into some pussy, baby.
You have to appreciate the colorful use ofEnglish language.
- Oh, yeah! - Wait, give me that Chinese egg roll fuck!
I love America!
[ Rap: Indistinct ]
And sing along to my hip-hop song, had you chokin' offofa bong
Cypress Hill and we can't go wrong, people smokin' like Cheech and Chong
Let it be something he is involved in, and I better be the bi ggest cheerleader.
He is a huge baby. Yeah, I hear you with your fine ass.
But pass the blunt, boo. Damn, you hoggin' the whole shit!
I'm sorry. [ Chuckles, Clears Throat ]
Whoa, I must be buzzed. I'm babbling.
You know, you surprised me by getting high.
You know, you surprised me by getting high.
I'm not that much of a square, Silas. I did do it once in high school.
Whatever. [ Laughs ]
What about you? We all have secrets.
Well, if you act right, I might just let you in my head one day.
Whatever. But I ain't sayin' shit on the first date.
Who said this was a date?
You smoked my weed, didn't you? And we almost kissed, didn't we?
We did not. Yes, we did.
We did not. Here, hit this.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my bad.
Did I spoil the moment? I can't help it, girl. You know what?
Them shits was talkin' to me. You know what?
Oh, my God, look at them. Turn the headlights off. Stop it!
I'm gonna tell you something. This pimpin' that I got came from a family tree.
My granddaddy was a pimp.
My great-great-great-granddaddy was a pimp.
I'm talkin' about pimpin' been since pimpin'...
since been pimpin' since been pimpin'.
It's in your bloodline. It's in my blood, and you will never be that.
- W-W-W-Why? - Because, you was born,
all the people in your family were assistant pimps.
You's a pimp. I never deny you that.
I thought you was the one the Lord chose.
If it had not been for the Lord,
I would not have had not a bitch come into my life.
Goddamn, not a... Not a hell, not a bitch.
Nobody say that now nothin' like you say that now nothin'.
Not a now, not a bitch. I still don't know what that shit mean,
but it sound good!
Now nothin' mean "don't get a now nothin'."
Now nothin'. A now nothin' nothin' now.
- [ Gibberish ] - Bitch, shut up and drive this fuckin' car.
Y'all gonna make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me go all out
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me act the fool
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me lose my cool
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Ragi ng party with open beer cans in hallway.
Sterilize hands tonight with antibacterial cream many times.
What do we have here?
Multi-socket extension cubes.
This is against campus fire code section :
"Thou shalt not allow multi-socket extension cubes in dorm rooms."
The extension cords themselves are intertwined...
in the most flammable of ways,
and they're producing an immense amount ofheat.
They could cause an i gnition at any point and i gni...
I smack him with my dick and the mike
Y'all niggaz is characters Not even good actors
Hmm, let's add up all the factors
You wack, you're twisted your girl's a ho, you broke the kid ain't yours
Wel l, I'l I be damned. What is that?
It's just a baby. [ Whining ]
[ Both Speaking Gibberish ]
- [ Nervous Chuckling, Whining ] - [ Gibberish Continues ]
This ain't no damn baby. What kind of shit is that hangin' out the back?
I need to get her home. Excuse me.
[Man ] How's it going, Mad Hatter? Come on.
Y'all gonna make me act the fool
Up in here, up in here
We gonna kill these motherfuckin' bitches, huh?
Hey, look at them bitches here. Look.
Hey, little baby bitch.
You little bitch, you better get up off of me. Where's my bitches?
Yo, what's up, homies?
Where my bitches at? Where our bitches?
You got the voice down, but those outfits no good.
What's wrong with my shit? Homey, please.
Your Halloween costume. If you pimp, you broke pimp. [ Laughing ]
You know you fucked up, Woody. Come on with it.
Baby powder? What smell that is? You changing diapers? Ah!
[ Coughing ]
[ Grunting, Screaming ]
[ Chattering, Screaming ]
What the fuck is all this? What y'all three bitches want?
- Tell them, Powder! - We already got pussy. Y'all come back later.
I'm about to knock you the fuck out.
I'm gonna do the knocking out. Come on with it.
[ Women ] Oh!
[Screaming Continues ]
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
Come on, come on Come on, come on
Where you going? You gotta stay.
A party ain't a party without you.
Campus-smelling little motherfucker!
Plus, there's no room in the limo!
I'll be back for you, man.
You ain't gonna need that.
- [Sirens Wailing] - The cops!
Somebody owes me for one night's worth of flat-back fuckin' up in here!
[ Wailing Continues ]
This is exhilarating. But don't get the wrong idea.
Megan and I have never done anything like this before.
We're virgins. Mm-hmm. Yeah, both of us.
Molly and I are really into D'Angelo. Do you have any?
Ain't that a... Hell, no, we ain't got no...
And while you're sittin' in this car, you don't run shit.
- Tell them, Powder. - Dick drive this car, not pussy.
- [ Giggling ] - Oh, you think it's funny, bitch?
This is pimpin' here. I been on Wheel ofFortune, Price is R...
- Oh, bitch. Come on with it. - You'd ratherpiss eau de crude than piss offPowder.
Oh, that's fine. Keep on laughin'. Bring your face over here.
- [Slaps Twice ] - Pay that shit.
Oh. [ Both Giggling ]
Man, come on. You act like I took it. Wejust get some more.
Man, ain't no more. All of Ivory's ashes was in just that plant.
Now let's go see what this Dean "Stick Up His Ass" want.
He probably gonna curse us out about that wild-ass party.
Man, that party was not that wild. [ Snoring ]
Yeah, it did get a little out of hand. You know what I'm sayin'?
Sex novelties, obscenity, fighting,
rock bands, without a permit.
Welcome, gentlemen, to academic probation.
Damn, who gonna be our P.O.?
How charmingly ghetto.
We ain't got no Ivory,
we about to get kicked the fuck out of here...
and what the fuck are you doin'?
Oh, I'm workin' on my truth serum.
Why you gotta sound all belligerent about my shit anyway?
Belligerent? Yeah, belligerent.
As in abusive or truculent. [ Laughing ]
Yo, you keep on usin' them big-ass Harvard words,
and your ghetto pass is gonna get revoked, buddy.
Why don't you go pick up a book or something?
If I get this shit right, I get an "A" in botany class.
- Ah, motherfucker. - When I was
I used to love watching my dogs hump.
- We used to have a good time. - [ Chuckling ]
- Whoa! - Ah!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
- What the fuck is that? - [ Belches ]
I'm gonna have to tweak this shit a little.
I say we burn them books,
go to that graveyard, find us a smart dead guy and smoke his skeleton ass.
We sit down, blaze up,
hit the books for a few hours a day, we got this.
I'm tellin' you. We don't need no smart dead guy.
Woo, hoo, hoo, hoo! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Light that shit up.
Hit them books!
One, two, One, two, three, yeah
In-slum-national underground Thunderpounds when I stomp the ground
Like a million elephants with silverback orangutans You can't stop a train
Sittin' in a drop-top soakin' wet, in a silk suit tryin' not to sweat
Hittin' somersaults without the net, but this'll be the year that we won't forget
One nine nine nine ano domi ni, anything goes
[ Screaming ] [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Don't pull the thang out unless you plan to bang
Bombs over Baghdad Yeah, yeah
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs over Baghdad [Jamal] These are our midterms?
See what I'm sayin'? See what I'm sayin'? All "F's," son.
We are fucked. Fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!
How did I fail women's studies? I love bitches!
[ WolfHowling ]
What are we doing? Looking for a smart dead guy.
Well, guys, hey!
This guy'll do. He's a president.
Yeah, he should know all the fuckin' answers.
Answers? What are you talking about?
Wait, no, no, no! You can't dig up somebody's grave! That's disgusting!
You guys don't think that there's anything wrong with this?
Huh? You guys are fucked up! What are you gonna do with this now?
[ Screaming ] Ah, shit!
Oh, God! Stop actin' like a little bitch!
Get the body. [ Groaning, Coughing ]
What the fuck are you doing? [ Coughing, Groaning Continue ]
Get the body. You should have some more respect for an ex-president, asshole.
Come on. Put this shit on your back.
Oh, God, no!
Get up before I smack the shit out of you.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, my God. It's so good.
Fly! Go fly! [ Laughing ]
Yo, Silas. What's up, dog?
- [ Screams ] - Whoa, who are you?
Do you see me?
- Relax! Relax! - Open, window! Open, window!
Yo, what the fuck are we gonna do now?
Fuck you think we gonna do? We gonna smoke his ass,
then we gonna start askin' questions.
Wait a minute. Didn't you put the ashes in the soil before you grew the plant?
We ain't got no time for that shit. We gotta grind him now. Get this arm.
No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is a motherfuckin' president, man. What the fuck are we doin'?
You wanna stay in Harvard or what?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I Need Money, did you check him for any jewelry or money or anything?
Fuck all that, man. Listen, I'm cuttin' this arm now.
[ Crackles ] [ All Screaming ]
Get the arm! Get the arm, man.
Y'all calm down! We got this. Calm down.
- [Jeffrey] This is insane. - Oh, shit!
[ Screaming Continues ] You is a nasty motherfucker!
[ Screaming Continues ]
[ Whimpering] I can't smoke a finger!
- [ Coughing ] - This shit's not workin'.
Hey, what up, bros?
I didn't know that you guys were gonna be here.
I saved your plant.
What did you do to it? This is a special plant.
- I know. - You stole our plant!
Damn right, he stole your plant. Yo, Silas, this idiot smoked up all the plant.
You're gonna have to study on your own. Damn, they can't hear me or see me. Tell 'em!
Well, you know, someone else was breakin' in here,
so I caught them and you can give me a reward, like more ofthe plant.
Man, we ain't got no more goddamn plant!
Hoggin'all the good shit. Okay, that's fine! Let's go, Ivory.
- Wait. Ivory here? - Yeah, maybe.
- Repeat after me. - Repeat after me.
Yo, dog. Yo, zog.
- Dog. - og.
You idiot. You idiot!
I'm disappearin'. I'm disappearing.
- What? - What?
- What? - What? - What?
[Silas ] This reminds me ofmy lab back at the crib.
I have some of the same stuff. How'd you get that?
- I stole it. - Just place them on the wall there.
Um, well, well, well. [ Laughs ]
Never thought I'd find you two ghetto asses up in here studying.
- Ghetto asses? - Oh, did I say that?
Oh, it must be the effects ofthe brownies you sent me.
They must still be in my system.
Lauren, how's the project coming?
[ Nervous Chuckle ] Fine. As a matter of fact,
I'm going to check on that right now.
- You know, I got to go. - No, no, no, no, no.
- You know, I got to go. - No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, Dean. Yo, why you gotta be a hater?
Oh, yes, I'm a hater. I hate pot-smoking punks...
that think that everything should just be given to them.
You two are an absolute disgrace to this university.
Yo, Dean, man, what are those?
Oh, these. These are invitations to the alumni celebration...
in which the vice president will be attending...
and Lauren will be unveiling her Benjamin Franklin experiment.
Certain students will be invited... those that pass theirfinals.
For real? But you won't pass your finals.
You'll fail, and then I'll have you out of my hair and out of Harvard.
[ Laughing ] Happy studying, gentlemen.
I'm trying to do my thing. It's pimpin' over here.
- Baby Powder, when you gonna pay us our money? - I got a $ money order...
$ ? Money order?
- That you bitches can split. - Who you callin' a bitch, bitch?
Come on with it. I got you.
- If it ain't "Rice Puff Daddy." - No, no, Powder. That's "Run M.S.G."
- Hey, what you listening to, brother? - Wu-Tang.
Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang. I came to bring the pain
Hardcore to the brain Dollar, dollar bill, y'all
We don't listen to that Chinese shit. We do this. This what we do.
Oh, you can't dance!
You need to sit down. Mm-mm.
I'm gonna round them motherfuckin' almond eyes of yours out, understand me?
Hold on, Powder. Let's not get "ignant."
Maybe he just came here to pay our money.
No, actually, I come for your girls. Ooh!
Actually, you gonna come back and give me them two duck sauces your mama...
[ Confused Chattering ]
Let me get my switchblade out. Let me get my blade.
- [ Yells ] - Ooh, shit!
Come on, bitch. Man, it was two egg rolls, It wasn't duck sauce.
- [ Yelling Continues ] - [ Car Alarm Sounding]
Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
Who the bitch now, bitch? Bitch!
I need to slap my goddamn self for that.
Pimps go through this kind of shit from time to time.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Phone Ringing ] Mm.
Yes, Dean Cain here.
Yes, I did receive them. As a matter of fact,
I was just going over Silas and Jamal's grades...
and I see they're all "F's."
Yes. I agree.
Very sad. Very sad indeed.
Yes. Well, I'll speak to you later.
Yes, yes, yes!
[ Whistles ] Dean Cain expects us off campus by Monday.
It went that bad in botany class?
Kid lost about pounds of fluid.
And that wasjust from the mouth. And I'm still below a . .
Man, we gonna get kicked the fuck out this school.
Maybe I can go back to being your manager...
and you strip at that club again like you used to. [ Laughs ]
[Jeffrey] No, we can't give up.
You can't let the dean win.
Did Commander Riker give up when the Borg infiltrated the Starship Enterprise...
and Captain Picard came back all half robot?
The Borgs? They're here!
Oh, God, run for your life! Oh!
My point is that you two... My point is shut the fuck up!
And we out of here. Wash my hands.
Silas, man, you can't give up.
If you get this botany grade changed, they have to keep you.
My... Yeah, my truth serum. Yeah.
I gotta fix it. Yo! That's right.
Here's your coffee.
[ Silas ] Nausea.
[ Laughing ]
Ah, Bart. Nice to see you.
Listen. I think I have a solution to your little problem.
Oh, no. I already got the prescription filled. Zing!
Not that problem. I'm talking about the boys.
Those rejects have been rejected.
Yo, Dean Cain, look who's back!
- Dean, what a surprise. Look who's here. - How exciting.
Guys, we weren't expecting you, but you're right on time.
Let's go meet the next likely leader ofthe free world.
What are you two doing here?
Couldn't have my future ex-wife show up to some bigwig event...
without her daddy on her arms.
Ain't that right, baby? Right, Daddy.
Old friends, fellow alums,
it's wonderful being back here at Harvard...
where I get to see my beautiful daughter.
Hi. Hi, Daddy. Daddy.
Mm-hmm. This is Jamal. Jamal, this is my dad.
Ah, hello,Jamal. Mr. President.
And I call you Mr. President 'cause I know you gonna rock this election.
I hope you're right, son. Uh-oh, camera.
All right, Ivory. This is the last of you. Do your stuff.
Ha! Oh, hey, hey, hey, Professor. What's going on?
Nice to see you again. Listen. T oni ght,
I got a feeling you gonna see my experiment work.
I hope we don't have to pass out any barf bags.
Don't even worry about that. See, I found my secret ingredient.
By adding a little bit of chro... cannabis,
I was able to counteract the nausea.
I'm proud of you. Thank you, Professor. Thank you, man.
- I actually feel wonderful. - Isn't he great, Daddy?
He's great. He's great.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mutters ]
- Good service. - Hey, Jamie.
Here's your dad after a frat party.
We don't want the dean to get his panties in a bunch. [ Mumbles, Indistinct ]
He might want to spank us! Oh, sit down.
Wait a minute. I know you all two ain't over here playin'grab ass...
while I'm entertainin' my future vanilla villa father over there, are you?
Yeah, oh, yeah! Yeah?
Man, look, man. The serum workin', man. They hot, dog. Look! Hey, man, look.
I got somethin' to tell you. Man, I been pinchin' your weed off.
What you tellin' me for? Damn.
I don't know. I guess it's that new serum, man.
I'm sorry, man. That's okay. Don't even worry about it.
No, it ain't all right, man. Yo, I been takin' your CDs. I been usin' your weed pipes.
I even been lookin' at Lauren's ass a couple of times, man. Whoa!
She's fine, and ifshe gave me the chance, I would wax that ass till she show me what she...
Whoa, whoa! Hold up.
Jamal, I will take that as a compliment. [ Chuckles ]
[ Muttering ]
We all know that Harvard has been honored to host...
some of Benjamin Franklin's artifacts, which I personally found.
Like this cannon-like article back here.
Now later you can take note of the foot-operated carburetor,
the reservoir and the top-loading bud bowl.
Ladies and gentlemen, Harvard is now...
the proud owner of America's first... bong.
[ Cain ] A bong?
This is, this is outrageous!
IfBenjamin Franklin were here today,
he would deny and denounce any claim...
to these so-called findings.
I'm gonna have to disagree on that. [ Gasping Continues ]
Yo, Ben, tell this fool. Is that a bong or what?
Yep. It's the liberty bong. Light that shit.
[ Both ] Smoke that shit, pass that shit.
Yo, you gotta come to this party, Ben.
- Hey, man. Hey. - Come on, man. Smoke.
[ Laughter ]
This is insane!
What are you all laughing at?
Dean, I have had it with your uptight,
- self-serving, overopinionated ass! - [Silas ] Get 'im!
In short, you are fired!
- [ Gasps ] - Hit the bricks, dog!
[ Funk ] Get down with my girlfriend
That ain't right
The bi g payback
[ Continues Indistinct ]
[ Laughing ]
Yo, dog, man. Look like you did it, dog, man. You got a new serve, man.
You gonna be an herbal scientist, my brother.
Me and you turned this place upside down, didn't we?
Did we! Amazing what two brothers...
from the P. can do with just a little bit of opportunity.
Word. Holler at your dogs, man.
I will, man. [ Both Grunt ]
- [ Woman Screaming] - [ Yelling ]
[Man ] Secret Service!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Dean, Dean, Dean, ease up on the black-on-black crime, bro.
[ Yelling Continues ]
Oh, this motherfucker done messed up my shit!
Back up! Back up, nigger! You better give me three feet!
Give me three feet!
- Whoa! - [ Yelling ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
Hey, get up. Oh, my God
Take him away, boys. Take your hands off of me! Do you realize who I am?
- What are you looking at? - I Need Money, you talked!
Why, yes, Jamal. It is somewhat of a surprise to me also.
Lord, it's a gift! It's a gift from above! Make it float like a dove!
Make it scream like Michael in a rhinestone glove. Lord, Lord, Lord.
[ Both Speaking Gibberish ]
Popcorn player. Popcorn player.
[ Coughing ]
I didn't inhale! Woo-hoo!
God, this is the wildest time I've ever had.
[ Laughing ] You won't mind that I'm bangin' your daughter on the regular.
No, no! Not at all.
Good, 'cause Jamal's gonna be my baby daddy.
Ah, son, welcome to the family.
Daddy. [ Snickers ]
Silas, your experiment was a success.
Your serum worked, and you're going to get an "A" in my course.
Ooh, Professor! So that means I get to stay.
You betcha! You can stay as long as it takes you to graduate.
I don't care. Right, ladies? [ Together ] Mmm!
Shall we, ladies?
Hey, down here! This is not happening!
Lauren, you are coming with me!
Honey, you have never satisfied me.
But I can.
The day you lay off is the day you pay off.
We come in here to get our old bitches, but if they ain't in here,
we gonna get those intellect bitches and start our own new stable, feel me?
Just keep it pimpalicious. Keep it pimpalicious!
Powder, what are you doing here? What are you doing in here?
Well, I've been rolling this joint for years.
But if these people knew I was using your Dial-A-Ho service,
they might not understand.
You are one of my biggest customers. You like them hand-jobs,
fat bitches pissin' on you all the time.
I like the ladies. Licking poodle feets and shit.
Just stop it right there. Have you ever been to college?
- Yeah, two years Pussyology. - Academia. I like it.
Give me a call next week. I think we can work something out.
Today's class is called Pimpology I and II.
I'm one, that's two. That's what your ass will be...
if you don't pass this class.
It got to come out right! And if it don't come out right,
you ain't gonna get the pimp tonight!
- Where my bitches? - Where my bitches?
Come on with it...
and let it fly!
Not yourselves! Shit!
That was deep! That was deep.
[Man ] Ten. Camera rolling shot on "A." [ Woman ] "D" marker.
And another thing, I forgot my motherfuckin' lines!
Yo, stop doin' that shit, dog. You can't be laughin' at me.
Fuck my close-up up, nigger.
They know we stole the... What is that?
I knew it. You guys and your lines.
Can I get some pussy? Sure. Come on in.
I told you we should have went to U.C.L.A.
Man, damn all this. I'm about to go stick my dick in a Thermos or something.
Puffs of purgatory for everybody. Line 'em up!
Puffs of purgatory, baby! Puffs of purgatory. Puffs of purgatory.
See each other no more. I mean, the fuckin' around...
Ah, shit! [ Laughing ]
[ Sneezes ]
I pledge allegiance to the pimp of the united pimps of America.
[ Crowd] Oh!
Come on, you fuckers! Call action!
Uh-oh. I don't give a fuck if it breaks!
You hear me? Goddamn it!
Turn that goddamn water off!
Cut! Cut! Cut!
- Cut. - Cut.
- Cut! - Cut! - Cut!
The movie's over. Go home. Why don't you get out of your seat?
Go home! Go home! All y'all. Y'all don't wanna leave!
[ Woman Vocalizing]
Yo, ladies and gentlemen Smoke cheeba cheeba Smoke cheeba cheeba
We got Toni Braxton up in the house
So high that I can kiss the skies, bitch
We live up in here, y'all
How high, motherfuckers How high
How, how, how, how How, how, how, how
Yo, yo, yo
Tical shittin' again Spittin' to win
L oad they guns clip in the end None sicker than him
Yes, indeed I'm ill as any S. T.D. or sex disease
These dirty rats want extra cheese
On that piece ofthe pie Now ask me how high
Until you reach for the sky Blame the crooked letter "I"
That's my home Twenty three's wrapped in chrome
Not only snap on y'all niggers but I'll snap dem bones
Slap your dome Make you leave that crack alone
You got the key to the city but the latch is on
I gots it locked bringin' the noise
Bringin' the funk Dr. Spock Bringin' my boys
Bringin' you lungs Pop the Glock but only if you feel this shit
Jack the Ripper don't make me have to kill this bitch
Back to get ya Put it in check That's the mista
Meth with his wood on your neck Shut your lips up
[ Vocalizing Continues ]
Smoke cheeba cheeba Smoke cheeba cheeba
So high that I could kiss the sky
Brick city to the crooked letter I
L et's get, let's get L et's get Yo, yo
Yo, you can call on the man when the party is borin'
I had these ho 's strippin' till it's part ofthe mornin'
I love a fat chick with a body enormous
It ain't about the weight, yo It's how they perform it
My dash is My weed half a pound
When there's smoke in the air my nose is like a basset hound's
I don't stash the drug Nigga, divide
I'm that nigga that ride with a trigger to get a supply
High is how I stay all the time
Niggas, close the door Yo, bitches shut all your blinds
If I'm hard to find take two puffs and pass
I stayed back but my Benz moved up a class
It's Dock and Meth The format is real sickening
Contagious We out for Mista Biggs women
You better shut your trap when my dogs around
We pissin' on fire hydrants so walk around, bitch
[ Vocalizing Continues ]
Smoke cheeba cheeba Smoke cheeba cheeba
Yeah, so high till I reach the sky
Brick city and the crooked letter "I"
L et's get, yo L et's get
Yo, let's get
Mista Method Man puttin' in work foot in the dirt
Like it's all good roll through your hood pushin' a hearse
I wish y'all would come around like Clint Eastwood
[ Vocalizing Continues ]