How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days Script - Dialogue Transcript

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How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days Script



And you can bet

it's worth it, baby



'Cause what you get is me



Don't be afraid

to let it embrace you



l'm gonna show you

every little thing about love



-Yeah, yeah

-Do you really want it?



lf you want it,

you can get it



lf you get it, don't regret it



So what you gonna do?



Love is like a butterfly,

tapestry across the sky



Doesn't need a reason why l feel

it taking you and l



Higher and higher



So what you gonna do?



lf you only knew

what l just dealt with.



l mean, this guy was right in

front of me, going little...



That guy deserves a ticket.

l'm sure he's...



A-A-A woman never

reveals her age.



l've been in this

relationship for...



He was going ten miles an hour

on the highway.



l'm trying to...



lf you want it, you can get it



Higher and higher



''And only then

will the people of Tajikistan



know true and lasting peace.''



Andie, it's brilliant.



lt's really moving.



But it's never going to appear

in Composure Magazine.



God, l busted my butt

in grad school



to be Andie Anderson,

''How to'' girl,



and write articles like,



''How to Use the Best

Pick-Up Lines''



and ''Do Blondes, Do They, Like,



Really Have

More Fun?''



l want to write about

things that matter,



like politics and

the environment,



and foreign affairs--

things l'm interested in.



Keep busting your butt.



You're going to get there.



Hey, l've got something

to cheer you up.



You know that editor

from Sports lllustrated



that you have been

shamelessly flirting with



on the phone for... whoo,



a month now?



He made a little delivery

this morning.



Ah, ha, ha, let me see.



Oh, no.






Tomorrow night.



What happens tomorrow night?



Only the most exhilarating

and artistic display



of athletic competition

known to mankind.



The lce Capades are in town?



No, the NBA Finals

are in town,



and l got tickets!



Come with me?



All right, l'll go.



But l am not putting out.



Two stale jumbo dogs

and a couple of beers,



you'll be whistling

a different tune.



You know what l like.



Good morning, ladies.



Don't forget,

staff meeting in    minutes.



Michelle-- haven't seen

her all morning.



-Have you?

-Ten to one she's wallowing.



lt's my turn. l'll get her,

you get the coffee,



meet me in the corner in   .



Wait, wait, wait.



Here, take some samples.



Samples. Samples.



Great idea.



Oh, boy.

Drama, drama, drama.



l walked    miles of barb wire



l got a cobra snake

for a necktie



A brand-new house

on the road side



And it's made out

of rattlesnake hide



Come on, take a little walk

with me, baby



And tell me who do you love






Who do you love?



Now around the town

l use a rattlesnake whip



Take it easy, baby,

don't you give me no lip



Who do you love?



Who do you love?



Hello, Ben.



Hey, hey, good morning, Spears.



What are you reading, girl?



You catching up on

your current events?



''Turn-On Tricks:

How to Make Him Hot.''



You know, if you want

to try those out sometime,



we should get together.



Green and l have

an appointment at Composure,



the fastest growing women's

magazine in the country.



And seeing as how



our clients run a lot

of our campaigns



in their nationally-syndicated

little girlie magazine,



it wouldn't hurt you

to do a little reading.



Hey, Benny.



Good morning, Green.



You finally decided to show up?



Yes, l did.



You ready?






Later, Ben.



Have a nice day, ladies.









Good morning, sunshine.



Okay, get dressed.



Get dressed.



Staff meeting,    minutes.

Let's go.



l'm going back to bed.



l have no reason to live.



Sun's out. Oh...



Okay, just...



Okay, now...






Put it on.



lt'll make your eyes

look fiercely green.






Get up. l'm not going

to let you lose your job



on top of everything else.




-Come here.



Oh, Andie.









You only dated the guy a week.



lt was the best week of my life.






Good morning, ladies.



-What's up, Tito?




Warren Advertising.



Hi, yes, we're waiting for you.



Good morning.



What's up, kitty cat?



What's up, daddy?



Big night?



-Not bad.




Where were you, man?



Not at an orgy.



Did you hear?



What, that my Knickerbockers



are now in

the championship series



and Tone ''The Bone'' here

owes me $  ?



Pay him.



Oh, man.



Well, you were right.



DeLauer Diamonds is looking

for a new ad agency.



Warren wants to move

on it aggressively.






Oh, oh, this is a good day,

this is a good day.



Guys, did you know

that diamonds are about



as common as taxis

on Fifth Avenue?



The value is entirely




maintained by a supply,



demand and advertising.






Now, DeLauer dominates

the world diamond market.



Meaning if l represent them,



l basically represent

the entire industry.



Tell him.






Warren gave it to the Judys.



Spears and Green--

they're already on it.



No way!



Yeah, well, you know,

he's kind of partial



to hot, leggy chicks

for some reason.



Yeah, and we're the, you know,



the sneakers and beer division.



Precious gems aren't exactly

our forte.



Lips and Hips are over at

a chick's magazine right now.



l got to get to Warren

before they sink...



You can't, you can't.

He's on a plane.



Easy, pal.

The Chicago meeting.



And it's too late anyway,

because Warren's



meeting them for drinks

at Mullins' tonight



to discuss their ideas.



You know what?

This isn't happening.



You know why?

This was my tip.



lt's going to be my pitch,

my account, my campaign.



-This is my baby.

-That's what l'm talking about.



They will not ace me

out of this.



-That's right.

-l heard that.




Mullins', tonight.



''l heard that''?










l-l don't really want

to talk about it, okay?










Why does this always happen

to me?



Things were going great

for, like, a week and a half,



and then, all of a sudden,

it's over,



and l am mystified.



Seriously, l am mystified,



because it always starts out

so well.



Poor baby.



Let's just roll with this one.



Oh, Mike and l had

such a connection.



The first time that we had sex,


            was so beautiful...



l cried.



You cried?






You mean, like,

one glistening tear



on your cheek, right?



No. l was really emotional.



l even told him

that l loved him.



After how many days?









lt was how l felt.

l wanted to express myself.



Okay, well, what did he say?



Oh, Mike didn't have

to say anything.



l know that he felt the same.



But then he started

getting really busy,



and l didn't know where he was.



So l kept calling him

and calling him.



He was never home...



You kept calling him?



l didn't leave a message.



He didn't know it was me.

My number's blocked.



Oh, l-l'm sure he thought

it was one of his friends.



You know, men frequently call



their friends'

answering machines



and hang up    times.






l know why he dumped me:



l'm too fat.



-You're not fat!

-You're not fat!



Oh, Michelle, if the most

beautiful woman in the world



acted the way you did,



any normal guy

would still go running



in the other direction.



Oh, no. No guy would go

running from you, Andie.



You could barf all over him,

and he would say, ''Do it again.''



That is both

incredibly disgusting



and categorically untrue.



lf l did the things you did,

l'd get dumped, too.



Okay, family,



shoes off.



And breathe.






Okay, Lori,

let's start with you.



Well, the ''Botox for Beginners''

piece is done.



Now, it's a little scary,

but mostly upbeat.



Now l'm on



''What Your Gyno Won't Tell You,''



which is also pretty scary,



but, you know, upbeat.



l finished my research

on deadly pedicures,



about the woman who contracted



that fungus

from the unsterilized tools.






lt's a terrible story.



Although, surprisingly...









What's next for

'''How to' with Andie''?



Well, l've been

working on something



that's kind of different.






lt's a political piece,

and it's...






Andie, you work at

Composure Magazine.



We are fashion,



trends, diets,

cosmetic surgeries,



salacious gossip--

that's Composure.



-Okay, but...




Andie, okay--

the column is new for you.



When you turn it

into a must-read,



then you can write

about whatever you want.



Until then, you can write

about whatever l want.









Michelle, what have you got?



l'm sorry, Lana,



l wasn't feeling very well...



She got dumped.



Oh, no,






What a hellish ordeal for you.



But l must say,

you are looking fabulous.



Are we loving



the way she looks, all?



-We love the way she looks.

-Oh, you are so right.



She looks great.



Well, l haven't eaten

since the split.



Good for you!



Write about it.



l can't use my personal life

for a story.



l understand completely.



Who will use Michelle's

personal life for a story?



Oh, l will.




-No, no, no,






with all due respect,



Lori has no business

mucking around



in my personal life,

and l can't...



l can't let her.



-l am...

-l'll do it.






l'll... l will...

l'll sort of do it.



lt's... You will be



my inspiration.






Look at Michelle.



-She is a great girl, right?




An amazing woman.



But she has a problem

hanging onto relationships,



and doesn't really know



what she's doing wrong,



which is like a lot

of our readers.






So, l was thinking that

l could start by dating a guy,



and then drive him away,



but only using

the classic mistakes



most women, like Michelle,






all the time.



l'll keep a diary of it,



and it will be sort of a...

dating ''How to'' in reverse.



What not to do.






''How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.''



Yes. Go.



Bart, what's new

in the shoe world?



Wait, wait, Lana, l'm sorry.



Why ten days?



Five days is too short,

and we go to press in   . Yes?



Okay, what we found out



is men are attracted

to purple shoes.



Now, l love...



Maybe toss in something

spiritual as well.



Who's that chic Buddhist

Richard Gere cavorts with?



The Dalai Lama.



He's fabulous. Ah!



Here's my   :  . Welcome.






Ladies, Judy Spears

and Judy Green



from Warren Advertising.



We're going to cook up

some fabulous tie-ins



for the fall.



Jeannie Ashcroft,

Fashion and Trends.



Michelle Rubin,

Fitness and Health.



Excuse me. Hi.



And Andie Anderson,

our resident ''How to'' girl.



Oh, l've seen

your column, Andie.



What are you working on now?



Oh, actually...



''How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.''



She's actually going

to start dating a guy,



and then drive him away

in a week and a half.



Sounds needlessly vicious.



lt's going to be fabulous.



Now all she has to do

is run along



and find the lucky guy.

Go, go, go.



-Nice to meet you.







Ladies, come.



Find the guy.




-Find the guy.



Oh, you are never going

to pull this off.



Watch me.

Tonight, l'll hook a guy.



Tomorrow, pull the switch.



Before the ten days are up,



l'm going to have this guy

running for his life.



You're not going to burn

his apartment down



or bite him or anything,

are you?



No! l'm going to limit myself



to doing everything girls

do wrong in relationships.



Basically, everything

we know guys hate.



l'll be clingy, needy...




-Be touchy-feely.



Ooh, call him in the middle

of the night,



and tell him everything

you had to eat that day.



What's wrong with that?



l'm kidding.



Hello, Ben.



What are you doing here?



Phil, l'm here for

the meeting. Ladies.



But you weren't invited.



Yeah, but l should have been.



l mean, it was my tip



that DeLauer's shopping

for a new firm.



Yes, it was, but l have

to think in terms



of who's best-suited

within the company team.



Yes, sir, and that's me.

l want to handle this pitch.



Ben, you sell Joe Blow better

than anyone else in my shop,



but these girls sell luxury



better than anyone else

in the business.



We have to put our best foot

forward on this pitch.



DeLauer would be

our biggest account.



Yes, sir, they would.



Annual advertising billings

of   - to $   million.



And l am the man that's going



to bring this home

for you, Phil.



Why this place?



lt's perfect.



Hi, lngrid.






Mullins' is the apres-work

watering hole



for the upwardly mobile.



Now, to date,



the diamond industry

has always targeted men,



sending the message

that the woman needs the man



to buy her the rock.



All right, they say,

''A diamond is forever.''



We say,

''A diamond is for everyone.''



l like that.




We don't.



''A diamond is for everyone''



sends the message

that diamonds are everywhere,



which means they're not rare,

and if they're not rare,



they lose their status.



Status is the reason



to buy them in the first place,



which Benjamin would know

if he understood women,



which you don't.



You can't feel bad about that,

Ben. No man does.



Here you go.



Thank you.






Oh! Sorry.



Here. Here.






Dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum...



Hey, don't pressure her.

She's perusing.



Yes, exactly. Hmm.






Selling a diamond to a woman



is like making her fall in love.



She has to feel giddy,

desirous, adventurous,



and desperate.



Take a look around

this room, Phillip.



Most of the women in this bar

are looking for just that.



Exactly. The skills required

to market diamonds



are the same as those needed to

make a woman fall in love, yes.



l'm not talking about lust.



A woman in lust



wants chocolate.



A woman in love...

wants diamonds.



Yeah, l'm not talking



about lust, either, ladies.



l'm talking about deep,





his and her towels,



let's grow old together,




Look, l love women. l do.



Whether they're four,   

or my   -year-old grandmother,



l respect women, all right?



And l also listen... to women,



and that's why l can sell myself

to any woman, anywhere, anytime.



Make a woman fall in love

with diamonds, Benjamin...



or with you?



Eh, either one.



Well, that's cocky, Ben.



No, not cocky-- confident.



l'd like to see you prove that.



You would?



The agency's cohosting



a party for the DeLauers

at the Astor Museum.



The party's a week from Sunday.



Do you think you could make



a woman fall in love with you

by then?



Ten days?



Any woman, anywhere, anytime?



Any single, available,

straight woman-- yes.






l'm not trying

to trick you, Ben.



ln fact, we'll choose

a woman right here,



right now, in this bar,



and then you decide.






So, who's the lucky girl?






Let's see here. Ooh,



there's that blonde babe

in the leopard print.



Whoa, ho, ho!



She looks like fun.



Be nice, ladies.



Or... wow,



Miss Babylon Five.



Now, she's on the prowl.









Her who?



Her, in the gray dress.

Blonde hair. Pretty smile.


















See the guy next

to the horrible guy



in the green shirt that l would

never even consider? Okay?




-Very cute.







-All right?



Here l go!



Okay, you're on.



But here are the stakes.



After l win this bet,



this pitch is mine.










You come to that party

with a girl



that's really in love

with you, Ben...



you can make the pitch

to the DeLauers.



But, Phillip, you can't...



l've made up my mind.



To the DeLauers.



To the DeLauers.














l was just wondering

if you find...






Yes. My wife and l love

New York,



especially this time of year.



She'd been here before,

and l'd...







This is Andie.



Hi. Um...






You guys enjoy New York.






Thanks. We will.



Yeah. Nice meet...

nice meeting you.






Good luck!



Thank you, Phil.



Now, if you'll excuse me,




l have a bet to win.






Now do you want to tell

me what's going on?



You don't recognize her?












Andie Anderson.



l'm Benjamin Barry.






Thank you.



l meant your name.



Thank you two times.

















































One second.



l'll meet you at the door.



Hey, hey, guys.






l think l got one.



He was married.



No, not him. lt's the guy by

the door, but don't-don't look.



Oh, guys!



Oh! He is really cute!



l'm going to check this one out

and see if he's the keeper.






And if he is?



Tomorrow night, we'll...



Flip the switch.



Doing this for you.



Well, good luck.

Be safe.



Call me.






Drama, drama, drama.





Wanna get to know you...



No, no, no. This one.



And you get to wear

the goofy-looking helmet.



This won't look goofy on me.



lt looks goofy

on just about everybody.



Look at you.



That's pretty damn cute.



There you go.



You ready to go

for a ride, Andie?



Are you ready to go

for a ride, Ben?



Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Get it? Get it?






Mmm. So, what do you think?



About the food, or... you?






This is delicious...






...and l'm still deciding.



Anything l can do to help?



Yeah, you could answer some

questions for me, actually.



''Some'' sounds

a little too indefinite.



l'll give you three.



What do you do for a living?



l'm in advertising.



l work mostly

with alcoholic beverage



and athletic equipment




and l'm trying to break into

the jewelry market right now.






Saving the world,

one keg party at a time?



Yeah, something like that.



What about you?



What about me?



Have l seen your work?



l work at Composure.



Fastest-growing women's

fashion magazine in the country.



l'm impressed.



Saving the world,

one shop-a-holic at a time, eh?



Hey, all right.



Look here, Sparky,



l have a Master's

in journalism



from Columbia.



My boss loves me, and if l do it

her way for a while,



l can write about

anything l want.



Like shoes?









Like alcoholic beverages



and athletic gear.



Touche. Very nice.



So, you think you got me

all figured out, eh?






Still got one last question.






True or false:



all's fair in love and war.






Great answer.



Good question.






Oh, nice place.



Thank you.



Very... tidy.



Can l get you



a cold beer?






Can l use your restroom?



Yeah, you can.



lt's up the stairs,

through the bedroom.



You are, aren't you?



The first night.

l can't believe you!



Michelle, l'm not going

to sleep with him.



Oh, you are such a hussy.



You can't hide

those lying eyes.



No, no, because l can practice

some self-control,



unlike some people l know.



Oh, really?

That hurts, kind of.



Get up up on the dance floor



Give that man

what he askin' for



'Cuz l feel like...



l'm going to dangle the bait...



Wait, what's the bait?



l'm the bait, Michelle.







Okay, l'm with you. Then what?



lt's gettin' hot in here



So hot



So take off all your clothes



-Mmm... Diamond...

-l am getting so hot



-is no one-night stand.

-l want to take my clothes off



lt's gettin' hot in here



So hot



So take off all...



A diamond

is a long-term commitment.



Take notes.

You better be prepared...



l can't talk right now.

l have to go.



Call me later, you slut.



Okay. Bye.



Whatever you want to do



ls all right with me...



'Cause you make me feel



-There you go.

-Thank you.



You're welcome.





l want to spend






My life with you



Let me say that since, baby



Since we've been together



Ooh, loving you forever



ls what l need



Let me be the one you come...






...running to



l'll never be untrue



Oh, baby, let's



Let's stay together,




Loving you whether, whether



Times are good



Hey, hey, let's not go too fast,




Happy or sad









Ooh... ooh... yeah...



Whether times are good or bad



Happy or sad



We're moving too fast.



l... you're right.



lt's-it's too fast.



...and break up




-Oh, turn around and make up



l just can't see



You'd never do that to me



-Too fast.

-Too fast.






l want you to respect me.



Loving you is all l see



l do.






And l want your respect.



l respect you for respecting me.



l respect that.






Good night, Andie Anderson.



Oh, you are already

falling in love with me.



l'm going to make you wish

you were dead.



Poor guy.



Of all the women

Spears and Green



could have thrown at me,

this one is amazing.



Hanging with her for ten days

is going to be no problem.



Right, so, it's only

nine days longer



than you've ever spent

with any other chick, huh?



That's why l didn't go

for the gold immediately.






l'm taking my time.



lt's a marathon, not a sprint.



Ten days is a marathon?



Okay, so it's more like

the     -meter hurdle.



The point is, she's already

on the ropes, guys.



Wow, that-that's a lot

of sports analogies.



That it?



-That-that's it?

-That's it.



Have you looked inside?






Do you have an ethical problem



with rifling through

a woman's purse?



Uh, yeah, l guess l do.



Well, it's hardly a purse, dude.



lt's more like a clutch

or something.



Guys, a woman's purse,

all right--



it's her secret source of power.

All right?



There-there are many dark

and dangerous things in there



that we, the male species,

should know nothing about.



Oh. Unless, of course, she, uh,

left it behind intentionally



to secure a next-day call back.






She's a very clever minx.



Oops, l'm sorry.

Oh, God. Um...



Oh, shit,

we got to clean that up.



Yeah, yeah.



Carefully. Carefully.



Oh, what have we here?



Let us see, let us see.



Oh... Knicks tickets...






...for tonight's game.



Delivery, Andie.



Wow, look at those!



Oh, who are those for?






oh, my God!



Where do you want these?



Who are these to?



Wait. ''    times...''



...more beautiful...''






''...than     roses.''






The guy's in advertising.



He can't help it.



So, does this mean he's hooked?



This means he found

the Knicks tickets.



You left the tickets

in the purse?






You are just on a whole

different playing field.



Here you go.






Andie Anderson.



Hey, hey, pretty girl.



Guess what?



l got a really embarrassing

display of white roses.



Well, you are welcome.



Listen, l had a wonderful time

last night.



l have your bag.



Ah, l know.



l can't believe l left it there.



Yeah, well, you must need it

back, what with all the cash,



credit cards, and...



those Knicks tickets

for tonight's game.



Sounds like you've been

peeking through my bag, Ben.



Oh, absolutely not.



Tony, my Art Director,

he's an oaf,



and he accidentally

knocked it over.



Ow, right!



Yeah, l'm a clumsy man.



All right, l'm sorry, though.



l'm going to the game



with somebody else.



Not anymore.



Besides, what?



You think you left your purse

at my place by accident?



No. Subconsciously,

you are dying



to take me to that game.



Denying your subconscious




is extremely dangerous

to your health, young lady.



Does that psycho-babble

really work on anybody?



You tell me.



Andie, you're so bad.



All right, meet me

at the  th Avenue entrance.



 :  . Don't be late.



You got it. Bye-bye.






And that's how it's done.



And that's how it's done.



Foul on Number   

Allan Houston.



Bullshit. Come on, ref!



What is that, ref?



Hey, if you're going to call it,

call it both ways!



Oh, you're soft, man!



You were soft last year,

and you're still soft.



And he's   % on the line

all year, too.



What was that?



There we go.

One more left. All right.



Come on, bud.






Oh, oh, oh!

That's off!






Knicks call.    second time out.



All right, take your five.

Take a minute...



This is all right.



Got    seconds.

   second team.



Kiss me,

down by the broken treehouse



Swing me



Up on this hanging tire



Bring, bring,

bring your flowered hat



We'll take the trail

marked on your father's map



Oh, kiss me



Beneath the milky twilight



Lead me,

out on the moonlit floor



Lift your open hand.



Knicks' ball.




-Bring it back.






Work your arm, baby.



Go, baby.



Hold 'em up!









Hold 'em up!

Work it, work it. Yeah?



Benny, l'm kind

of thirsty.



Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.



-Yeah, yeah!

-Benny, could you get me a soda?



Yeah, just let me

tell you right now...



l'm parched.



...there's a minute and nine

left in the game,



-and then l'll go up and get it.

-l'm really thirsty.



l'll go get it.



Hey, hey, hey. You want...

you want it right now?






And no ice, Ben.



Thanks, Benny.



Lawrence Funderburke.



Oh, man!



Here's Sprewell with a fake.



Gets the step on Christie.

What a crossover...



Whoo, my man.

Coke, no ice.



Next line over, pal.



No ice. Hey, buddy?



Small coke, no ice.

Small coke, no ice.



Okay, you got it.



...beyond the three-point line,




Ah... no!



Man, don't let him have

that shot!



No. Does that mean

no, you don't want ice,



or no, you want ice?



No. No ice.

Coke, no ice.



And Don Chaney

wants to talk it over...



Oh, did you want a small?



No, l-l want that one

right there.



You know, for    cents more,



you could get a jumbo?



Okay, you take that right there.



Keep the change.



All right.






Excuse me.






Excuse me.



Come on! Score!



Come on, baby,

drive into the net!



Right there, right there.



Oh, thanks!



Hey, hold him, hold him.

Move it.



Set your pick! Watch

the three seconds! Traveling!



Ben, it's not diet.



-Huh? What?

-Ben, it's not diet.



Please, l'm so thirsty.



-All right, all right.

-With a lime.



-All right, okay, l got it.

-With a lime. Okay.



Shoot it!



Sprewell for the win!






That was Sprewell!



lt's all over!



The Knicks

have defeated the Kings



in the final seconds...



...Sprewell with

the game-winning shot,



and the Knicks over Sacramento:

   to   .



Oh, what an incredible game.



l've never seen a more exciting

game-ending play before.



Wow, well, neither have l.



Hey, hey, hey.



lt's too bad you missed it.



Yep, it's too bad.



One second.






you as nice as you seem, Ben?






Good. Neither am l.



Oh, here.



Fifth and   th, please.



See you later.






More horseshit.



The horseshit continues.



Horseshit. Come on, people.



We've got to do a lot better

than this



if we're going to com...






There's a phone call

for Mr. Barry.



Yeah, can you take a message,




Uh, Mr. Barry, it's Andie.



-Make it quick.

-l will.



lt's line two, Mr. Barry.



Thank you.






lt's me!



Listen, l'm in the middle

of a meeting.



Can l call you back

in just a minute?



l miss you,



Benny boo-boo,




Well, you know what?

l miss you, too.






You busy tonight?



Uh, no. No, l'm not.



Why don't we catch a movie

or somethin'?



A movie-- my choice?!



Your choice.



Oh, l'm so excited!



Okay. l'll call you later.















l always wanted a man

like Tom Hanks.



lt's my favorite movie

of all time.



Yeah, me, too.






What if something

happened to you?



What if l couldn't get to you?



What are you thinking about?



Nothing. l'm watching the movie.



Yeah, but what's on your mind?






l like this movie.



Oh, so l suppose your mind

is a complete blank.



You are my family,

you're all l have.



Who is she?






Who's who?



The girl you're thinking about.



Can't hear.



-l'm not thinking about a girl.




You can't watch Meg Ryan



-for two hours




and not be thinking

about another girl.






You want to know what

l'm thinking about?






l'm sitting here thinking



about how damn beautiful

you are.



That's what l'm thinking about.



Come on, let's watch this movie,

it's good.









Oh, sweetie!



l love sharing this with you.






Can't hear and can't see.



lf you don't shut up,

my boyfriend over here



is going to come back there



and pummel your ass.



Put a muzzle on your old lady



the next time

you bring her out in public.






What is that?!



Do something about...



-You, outside.




Keep it down!



Keep it down!



l mean, have a little class,

all right?



You want to talk like that

to me, we can work it out,



but not to a lady, all right?



Ben, Ben, B-B-Ben, he's huge.



l got it. l'm not looking to get

in a fight with the guy, okay?



He owes you an apology.



Oh! Oh, whoa!



Now, l'm going to go

back inside,



and finish watching

Sleepless in Seattle.



Nobody screw with me.



Son of a... bitch.



-Oh, Ben.




Are you okay?







-Ben, Ben,

-Ow, ah-ah-ah. Yes?



Maybe we should

get you to a hospital.



No. No, no, no, no.



No, you could have a...

Excuse me!



Uh-uh-uh, hey, hey,

can you hold still,



right there, hold still?



Okay, l'm sor...



Oh, ooh... oh.



Oh, yeah.



That's feeling real nice.



Ben... Ben...



l'm starting to feel

a little better.









Oh, my God!



You're fine.



Oh, you are totally fine.



Okay, come on, Rocky.



No, no...



Get up.



Ouch. Huh?






Hey, don't feel bad.



lf l had a nickel for every time



l got in a fist fight

during a chick flick, whoo!



Uh-huh, right.

lt really wasn't that bad.






No. l mean, the getting punched

in the face part sucked, right?






But the getting taken care of

after the punch-- it was nice.



All right! Florence

Nightingale syndrome, yeah.



You want me to tape the game

for you tonight?



No need, my friend.



l'll be watching the Knicks



from the comfort of my

own home this evening.



-How'd you swing that?

-Oh, yeah.



What's good to grill?







You're making the lamb.






A woman loves a man

who can cook, yeah?



Bringing out the big guns.



-Let's go deep.

-l like it.



Why do they always

forget my bacon?



l can't believe

you got that guy knocked out.



Only for a few seconds.



He was the most adorable,

unconscious man ever. Mm-hmm.



Are you dating him, or are you

contemplating adoption?



Andie, l am loving

your notes on this piece.



Thank you, Lana.



When are you seeing him again?






He's invited me over for dinner.



Marvelous. l've got

a feeling about this one.



Thanks, Lana.



l hate it when she pops

her head in like that.




l never noticed it.



l heard that.



And Andie, tonight,

take smaller bites.



Oh, my God!




l can barely eat over here.



You know you could've

been a candle



Come on in. Door's open.



l'm holding you so tight



You know you could've been

a handgun




-Hey, there.



l hope you brought

your appetite, girl.






We got a feast tonight.






-And baby so, so sweeted







You know you could've been

some bird food Benny,



isn't that sweet?






Go on and pour yourself

a glass of wine.



We got diner in about five



and tip-off in about eight.



Great. l'm starving.



The way you do

the things you do



As pretty as you are







You know you could've

been a flower






lf looks were minutes



You know you could've

been an hour






Well, you could've

been anything you wanted to



So perfectly pink!



l can tell you



The way you do the things

you do, all right



The way you do

the things you do



Pour la piece de resistance.






Sheryl, Tori,



Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly--

gang's all here!






Got two minutes to game time.



You walked into the party



Like you were walking

onto a yacht



You had strategically dipped

below one eye



Your scarf-- it was apricot



Wow. Look at all this stuff.



-You had one eye in the mirror

-Those are cute and...



-As you watched

-l saw the...



-Yourself gavotte

-the new comforter.



And all the girls dreamed that



They'd be Ben's partner,

they'd be Ben's partner



And you're so vain

What you got in the box?






You probably think

this song is about you



lt's a baby fern.



Really? Oh, yeah?



Just like our relationship.



A helpless little baby

in need of tender loving care.



Don't you? Don't you?



Thank you.



You had me several years ago



-Turn it down.




Okay, let's check out

the starting line



Have a seat.



for the New York Knicks.



-At the point, Latrell Sprewell

-Get ready. Mm-hmm.



Game two. Welcome to

the front row, madam.



Oh, oh. Here.



Mm-mm-mm, mm-hmm.



Dinner is served.



Chef's special tonight.



Lamb with a cherry glaze.



Start you off

with the main dish



right about there.



A few carrots.



Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.



You okay?



lt's beautiful.






You're beautiful.



The game, the whole thing.



l wish l ate meat.



Mary had a little lamb



Little lamb...



You have to take it away

before l gag.



This stuff's for cows.







How you doing?



Oh, aw, it's just

a little indigestion.



-You okay?




All right.



Uh, excuse me, m'am?



Do you happen to know the

score of the Knicks game?



Do l look like

the kind of person



who knows the score

of a Knicks game?



No, you don't.



ls something wrong

with the barley?



No, no.



My boyfriend thinks l'm fat!



And l can't eat

in front of him!



l can't eat in front of you!



-l have to go to the bathroom.

-l don't think you're...



l don't think you're fat.



l don't think she's fat.



What's happening?



Spre just turned up;

   seconds left.



Knicks' ball.



Get the ball, man.



Oh, come on!



Throw it!



Oh! That was in!



-Oh, man!




Come on, get it back.



Come on.



Get the ball back,

get the ball back!



Jackson takes the ball.



A spin by Jackson.



-Get it back!







And the time has run out.




-Pick up!



The Kings have beaten

the Knicks.



Their first win in the series.



Next game.



Well, that was fun.



Okay.   :  .






Ah, there we are.



Uh-huh, uh-huh.



Then it's Mark Jackson with

a no-look pass to Kirk Thomas...



Sorry we missed the game.



Post, post. Reverse it!



   seconds left in the game,




There we go, baby!



Oh, l can't believe



he missed that shot.



Take it, take it!



-   seconds left, the game...

-Pitch! Aah!



How the hell did you know

he was going to miss that shot?



...with a narrow Monroe move.



He always misses... the shot



-...the way it ended...

-from the top of the key.


            the Knicks

could not get off another shot.



Aah, man.



Houston never misses



from the top of the key.










Does Princess Sophia

want to come out and play?



Who's Princess Sophia?



-No, no, no, no... no!




Aw, yo-yo-yo-you...



Whoa, whoa, whoa,

y-you're kidding me, right?



Princess Sophia?



Little, big, little,

big, l don't know.



We will find out!



Ah, you know,

hang on a second.



Ah, no, no.



All right, listen.



You can't name my... my member



Princess Sophia.

lt doesn't...



Yes, l can.



Listen. L-L-Listen to me.



lf-lf you're going to name...

my member, all right,



you got to name it something

hyper-masculine, okay?



Something like Spike or Butch,

or Krull, the Warrior King,



but not Princess Sophia.



What did you just say?






You know what l mean?



No, no, after Spike.






After Butch.



Krull... Krull,

the Warrior King.



Does Kr-rull, the Warrior King

want to come out and play?



-Oh, come on...







You know what?



Due to...



intense humiliation,

the King has...



momentarily abdicated

his throne.




-Oh, uh-oh!






Well, in that case...



l'd better get going.



Take care of our love fern,




Hi. Mm.



Can l see you tomorrow?






l hope so.



Call me.



l will.



And l'll call you.



Sweet dreams.



Answer your phone!






What was ''icy'' again?



''Arctic, freezing, frigid.''



How about ''glitter''?



Thayer's favorite movie.



lt was underrated.






''Glint, glisten,





that's not bad.



Aw, that sucks.



Guys, let's take a break.



Huh? A little coffee

and nine-ball.



Shake it out.



Maybe l'll be able

to concentrate



since the woman

is driving me crazy.



Which woman-- Andie,

or Princess Sophia?







Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!



Wait a second.



l thought you said

after the Knicks game



that she was a goddess.



Oh, she was. That was

the good Andie, guys.



This amazing, fun,

cool, sexy woman.



l'm talking

about the evil Andie, now.



lt's like a...



it's like a crack-enhanced

Kathie Lee Gifford.



She... she's

probably bipolar.



Well, her South Pole's

definitely prevailing.



Well, all you gotta do

is rock it for five more days.






Which shouldn't be

too difficult.







-My little muffin.

-Hey, sweetie.



We were just talking about you.



- Hi.

-Hello, there.



How are you?

You look gorgeous.



Oh, thank you.



Andie, this is Tony,

and this is Thayer.



-Oh, yes.




Benny Wenny's told me

so much about you two.



Oh, well, Benny Wenny's said

wonderful things about you, too.






Oh, they don't look

so simple-minded.









Look what



l got for us. Oh.



Look at that.



Oh, wow!




-Look at him go. What is it?






lt's a Chinese Crested,

of course.



No kidding.



-A Chinese Crested.




So, it-it's like a dog, right?



Oh, hey.



There he is.



Ooh, Ben. Ben.



You got a dog.



You're hurting Krull's feelings.



Krull, is it?



Krull. Krull, the Warrior King.



Well, sure, 'cause

that's clearly what... Yeah.



Oh, oh, oh.



Oh, wait, there's more.



What do you got there?



Oh, nice.



-For me?




-Get out of town.

-Try it on.



That's like the...

inside of a raincoat.



-Medium. Oh, yeah.

-lt matches! Try it on.



Now, that is going to fit

nicely, sweetie, thank you.



No, Ben, put it on.



No, you should try

it on. Otherwise,



you don't know if it's

going to fit or...



Oh, go for it.



That has never hurt anybody.



Huh? Huh?

l was just gonna save it



for a better occasion,

all right?



Check that out.



Oh, yeah, that's nice.







You're a vision in khaki.



lt's going to be

a happy little family,



Just the three of us.



We are, aren't we?






He's our boy, Ben.



Oh, see, that's sweet.



Mm-hmm, hey, mm-hmm.



Whoa, ho, ho, ho,

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.



Andie, hey, it's good

to see you, too, sweetie.



Ah, l got you.



Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.



Gotcha, gotcha,

gotcha, gotcha.






He's just

not potty-trained yet.







Okay, well, he's a pisser.



Come here, little tinkle king.



No, no, no.



Come here, tinkle king.



-He is a tinkle king.

-Oh, yeah.



Who's my little tinkler?

You tinkle tinkles.



Well, congratulations,



little plaid family.



We, you know,

we got a whole bunch



of work we got to do,

but we're...



we're still on for poker



at your house this weekend?



-Oh, you count on it.

-Whoo! Boys' night.







Yeah, it was nice meeting you,



Nice to meet you.



And, of course, Krull.



-Bye. Say bye, Krullie.

-All right.



A little soap and water

will take that out.



He goes, ''Woof, woof.''



Yeah, thank you, buds.



Oh, come here. Ooh.



Do you love him?



Oh, l do.



Oh, look at Krull's necklace.



He's got more ice than

Liberace, don't you?



Oh, it's just a little frosting.









We were thinking bold,



new, fresh.



''Frost yourself.''



Excuse me?



''Frost yourself--''



The slogan for the campaign.



You frost a cake.



We're in the middle

of a meeting, Benjamin.



l'm talking about diamonds.

They're frosting.



As in, ''Whoa, would you

check out her frosting?''



-Frost yourself.

-Frost yourself.



How did you come up with it?



l got it off the woman



who is falling

madly in love with me.






lt may have possibilities,



but as far as the woman who's

falling madly in love with you,



l will decide that at the party.



lf he can get her there.



Now, just think about it--

ladies, frost yourself.



Frost yourself.



Mm-hmm. We could introduce it

at the party.



lt-lt should be the theme.






Everything frosted.



-All of it.

-Martini glasses.






Ah, jewels everywhere.



The women.



The whole party--



a sparkling diamond.



All of it frosted.



Women of New York!



Frost yourselves!



Hey, frost this!



Well, l like it.



Yeah, yeah, yeah,



yeah, yeah, l hear you.



You have    new messages.



Message one. Received at  :  .



Oh. Sit down. Sit.



Hi, sweetie pea. lt's me.



Where are you?



l'm not home.



Received at  :  .



Benny, it's Andie.

Guess you're not home.



Three. Received at  :  .



Benny Bear, are you not

answering your phone?



Yeah, l am.



Four. Received at  :  .



Hey, buddy.



Game three tonight. Blondie's.



Don't be late

or l will kill you.



Who is it?!



lt's me.



Five. Received at  :  .



lt's me.












What a surprise.



Tried to get ahold of you.






l did something kind of wacky.






Yes. l used Photoshop

at work today



to composite our faces together



to see what our kids

would look like.



Our... Family... Album!



You don't want

to see our children?



We don't have...






l hate you.



You know what?



l'm sorry. No, no, no.



l didn't mean it

like that, all right?



l... Show me, show me,

show me, show me.



Please show me.



We don't have children!



Oh, l thought you meant...




l just want to...



Will you show them to me?



You don't want to see them.



l do. Please, please

show them to me.



l really do

want to see them.












Oh, that's our wedding.



And this is our first child--



Benny, Jr.






Oh, there's us



vacationing in Hawaii.



Little Andie's

on my shoulders



and dum-da-da-dah,



Benjamin, Jr. on yours.



Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.



There's little Andie.



Oh, there are the kids



in Switzerland,




Our kids are really...









Ah, hey, Mom.



Ah, yeah, l'm-l'm doing fine.



Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she is.



Just a second.



lt's for you.



Oh, great.



Hey, Glenda.



Why is my mom

calling you?






l just showed him.



Yeah, well, he

thinks our children



will be very attractive.



Oh, no.



All right,

you go back to cooking.



Call me later.



Tomorrow. Yeah, great.



Okay, Glenda.



Love you, too. Bye.



Thanks, honey.






So you and my mom,

you talk, huh?



Yeah, l called

her to get some



baby pictures of

you for our book.



Hey, you never told me...



that you wore diapers

till you were five.



You know what, honey,

l got to go to the...






Ah, no,



come on, man.



You think maybe he thinks

the felt is grass?






Oh, man.






Ah... Ah... No, no,



No, man! Come on!



Hey, Benny Bear?






Do you have plans tonight?






l have another surprise for you.



Ah... you know what?



Not a good night for me.



l-l, l gotta work.



-Of all things.

-Oh, no.



Yeah, yeah, l know.



We got a Knicks game on.



l had a broccoli-

and-asparagus casserole



planned for you and me,

right there in front of the TV,



and we're not going to be able

to do that either,



'cause l got to go in to work.



That's too bad, 'cause

l had tickets for tonight.






Tickets! Great tickets.



Front row seats,

right in the action.



l mean, you can smell...



the sweat.



l guess...






l don't really have to.



Oh, why don't l



call Tony, and he can come

fill in for me, right?






Oh, yeah! Thank you.



Honey, you're more than welcome.






Oh, look what time it is. Huh?



This is

a once-in-a-lifetime experience,



and l'm going

to share it with you.



Reaches up,

she brings it down.



lt was the most

powerful thing



l've ever... seen.



And after all this,

he still didn't leave you?



Oh, l'm telling you,

this calls for drastic measures.



Come on, guys,






are you being clingy?



Clingy, needy, whiny...



Baby talk?



Occasionally. l mean,

l could kick that up a notch.



l used to obsess

over Mike's old girlfriends.



Or better yet, talk about

all your old boyfriends.



lt's good, it's good, it's good,



but it's not going

to crack this guy.



l mean, this is Defcon Five,



and l have

to do something



truly appalling--

it's not funny.



Look, l have to think

of something before tomorrow.



Wait, why not tonight?



Poker night. Boys' night out.



Oh, Mike used to have

a boys' night.



Boys' night? You're

giving him a boys' night?



They do it every week.



Before... he met... you.



What are you suggesting?



l think you know

what l'm suggesting.



-Feel lucky, boys?




Gentle Ben, that's two bucks.



l'm feeling luckier than you.



Glad to not have to sit

through a Celine Dion concert.



That's what true love

is all about, my friend.



l fold.



All right, l'll see your two,

raise you fifty.



She's in love with you?



You kidding me?

She's planned the wedding.






All right, guys,



-read 'em and weep.

-Oh, shit.



Got ladies over fours, huh?







l have a three and an ace.



lt does not get

any better than this.



Look at that.



Bennykins, l'm home.



Hi, honey.



Hey, Andie.



She has a key?



ls that legal?



l wasn't expecting you.



How'd you get a... key?



Oh, honey, Francesco,

your super,



he made me a copy.



Francesco, huh?



Hmm. All right.



You're not mad, are you,

Benky Wenky?



-No, l'm not mad.

-You're not mad?



No, no, no, no, no.

l'm not mad, l'm not mad.



-Oh, good.

-You know the guys.



-Everybody, Tony, Clar, Francis.

-Oh, yes!




-Watch out!






Tony, hi,















-Hey, Andie, guys.



l didn't mean to interrupt

your little game.



We got it, we got it.

We're all straightened out.



l brought some yummy snacks.



Snacks? Hmm.



The game is hold 'em.



Three up for company,

ante a dollar, please.



Oh, Tony.






-Yucky, yucky pizza.




-Yucky pizza.

-Oh, no.



Yummy, yummy,

cucumber sandwich.



Oh... oh.



-First card up is a nine.




l'll take one.



Yeah. Sure, yeah.



Good boys. Good.



Here we go-- get rid

of those over there.



Thank you very much.



-Three up, three up.

-l went a buck. You follow?



Look around the horn,

look around the horn,



look around the horn.






Thanks, Benny.






That means you, too, Thayer.



Oh, yeah.



All right,

everyone in for a buck.



Next card, five,



nines and fives,

nines and fives.



That's back to you, Tito.



Oh! Nine and a seven.



Go for the straight.






Round two.



Tone, the bone, you're up, man.



She told you my hand.






-Oh, hey.




Guys, are we going to play cards

here, or what's going on?



What game are we playing?



We're playing hold 'em?



All right,

l'm already maxed out.



We got a nine up, nine up, guys,



-nine up, nine up.







Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.



l hate Mr. Sniffles.



Come on, stuffy head.



Good, good, good.



Ooh-- white.



-Healthy boy.

-Good. Mm-hmm.







Tone, get your head

in the game. Please?



Oh, no.



Are we playing?



Oh, no!



Our love fern!



lt's dead!



No, honey, it's just sleeping.



You let it die!



Are you going to let us die?






You should think about that.



What the hell's a love fern?



All right, guys,



let's try to get through

one hand.



ls she on something?



God, l hope so.






Are you saying l'm some kind of



-mental person?!

-No, no, no, he wasn't...



Oh, Tony!



What? He was talking about...



-Come on.

-That's it!




-That is it!



l'm taking this love fern

with me.



Hang on.






Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,



ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.



What just happened in there?



l'm going to go listen.







Look, this is getting

really creepy.



All right? You're acting

completely insane.



You know that?



Oh, so l am insane.



No, you're acting insane.



Shut up, Krull.



Oh, he is an innocent animal.



And he'll live, okay?

l'm talking to you.



l don't know



if l can be with somebody



who doesn't like animals



and thinks l'm a mental person.



That's what l'm talking about.



Where's the sexy, cool, fun,



smart, beautiful

Andie that l knew?



All right? The one who wanted



to be a serious journalist, huh?



You're up, you're down,

you're here, you're there.



You're like a freakin'

one-woman circus, Andie.



So l guess this means

we're over.



Yeah, l guess so.









Oh, finally.







lt's over, man.



Oh, man, that's...



No, no, no, no, no.



-No, no, no.

-lt is, man, it's over.



-Four days. Four days.

-Four more days!



Guys, you were here--

did you just witness



the one-woman homage

to The Exorcist?



You saw it, huh!



Yeah, l did.

l thought it was sexy.






lt's not sexy.



-He's right, he's right.

-No, forget it.



So, do-do you think Spears

and Green are going to be



comfortable in

their new office?



Oh, absolutely. Sure.



-Maybe he's excited that

-Guys, stop.



he's going to be

selling Nerf footballs



-Hey, hey, hey!

-for the rest of his life!



He may get, like,

a really good douche campaign.



Hey, that's done!

What? What?



-Couples therapy.

-Of course!






Every time my wife

wants to divorce me,



l suggest couples therapy.



lt'll buy you

at least four days.



She-she hates him!



Therapy. Couples therapy.



Yeah, couples therapy.



Couples therapy!



-Couples therapy.

-Come on!



Couples therapy.



-Couples therapy.

-Couples therapy.



Couples therapy!












Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, listen.



Can you forgive me, sugar puss?



Look, l don't know what

l was thinking, all right?



l-l'm sorry.



l am way out of line, Andie.



Can you... can you give me

another chance?



Haven't you had enough?



Hey, look, l'm willing

to do anything.



Get up.



l'll do...

l'll do anything, Andie.



Get up.



Look, what do you think




What do you think about...



couples... therapy?



Couples therapy?



Couples therapy.



Look, Thayer up there,



he's got this doctor.



He says he's a hell of a guy.



No, l know a therapist

who will work wonders



with somebody like you,




Yes, that's what l need.



l will call and schedule

an emergency session.



Baby, wh-whatever it takes.






Thank you, sweetheart.



Thank you for understanding.



l love you, Binky...



but l don't have to

like you right now.



Thank you, Andie.



Ah, damn it!






lf you're really going

to commit to this,



you're going to have

to open up...




-...and dig deep.






Bare that beautiful soul.



Let me see your teeth.



Andie Anderson.



Benjamin Barry.



Please come in.



Hi, welcome.



Before we get started,



how are you planning on paying

for the session?






How much is it?



$   .



$   ?






Whatever it takes, yeah.



So, tell me,



how long have you guys

been seeing each other?



Seven days.



Seven days.






ls it too soon

to be seeing a therapist?



Well, Ben,



seven days isn't like

a lifetime, or anything,



-lt's like a week.




Did you hear that tone?



How can we not have

a gulf between us



with a tone like that?



How are things

between you sexually?









No, no...



-we haven't had sex.

-Oh, no.



Ben has a little, bitty problem.



-l don't have a problem.




Yes, you do.



-No, l do not have a problem.




lt's a big problem.



-l do not have a problem.

-You have a problem.



Look, look, look, wait a minute.



The one night that we even

thought about



getting close to having sex,



all right, she up and decides

she's going to nickname my...






Yeah. ''Princess Sophia.'' Ha!



You want to talk about



shooting a man's horse?

Whop! Come on!



l thought it was

a beautiful name.



Hmm, l see, Benjamin.



And when was it

that you first realized



that you were attracted

to other men?




-Oh, that's serious.






Benjamin, this is a safe space.



Look, it's just simple--

l like women, okay?



lt just happened that way.



Methinks thou doth



-protesth too much.

You see? Stop it.



This is the shit

l'm talking about.



What the hell was that?



Whoa, whoa.



What did l do?



l mean, this is what she does.

Stop that!



You know, l'm hearing a lot

of latent anger here, Benjamin.






l'm not a rage-o-holic!



-l called that one.




You know what--

take a deep breath for me, Ben.



Okay, and let it go.



Just let it go.






Yeah. l feel better.



Okay. Come here.



l've seen this before.



-l've seen it many times.







Whoo, would you two

like to be left alone?






Maybe you should get a room.



You are hitting



on our shrink!



-No, l'm not.

-Yes, you are!



No, l'm not.



And you are

a pathological flirt!



Jesus, five seconds ago,

l'm gay.



Now l'm a pathological flirt?



l sweat when l get nervous.



Which one is it, Andie?



And besides,

why would l need to hit



on another woman?



You've got more than



enough personalities

to keep me completely occupied.



That was hurtful.



Okay, Ben.



Are you ashamed of Andie?



-Of course he is!

-l'm not ashamed.



Of course he is.

You are!



l'm not ashamed.



How do you think



that makes me feel?



l'm not ashamed of you.



lt's like, when l talked

to his mother...



he freaked out.



No, see, you-you did that

behind my back.



She did it behind my back.



l just wanted to say ''hi.''



Andie, you want to talk

to my mother?



Y-You want to talk to my mother?



Talk to my mother.



Hey, you want to talk

to the whole family?



You can talk

to the whole family.



Hell, we can go to Staten

lsland, spend the weekend



with them, Andie.



Now, that is

a positive idea, Ben.



lt... it is?



How about it, Andie?






Would you like to go

to Staten lsland?



Uncle Ben, hi!






Yes, ma'am.



Hey, Mom, Pop,

we're here.



Yeah, bullshit!



Who's that handsome guy?



That's my dad when

he was an ensign in the Navy.



He got stationed here

about ten years ago.







Hey, darling.



Hey, sweetie.

How you doing?



l'm glad to see you.

Good. Perfect timing.



You know who this is?



l do, and l need you

to check the baby,



see if he needs changing.



l know who that is.




-Hi, Andie, l'm so happy



to have you here in the flesh.



You're just as pretty

as you sound on the telephone.






l'm coming!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.



Excuse me.

Show her upstairs, okay, hon?



Oh, yeah.

And this is Joey, Jr.






And the whole family suffers

from Tourette's.



l hope that's not a problem.



You're so handsome.



Joey, he suffers

from being a stinky rose.



We're going to go get you

cleaned up, sir.



Go on out back.

Have a good time.









Got you.






You're it.



He got you.






Uncle Arnold says

he's got three kings.



Yeah, right.



Okay, Uncle Arnold.

Now, dare l say it, or not?



l'm just going to say it.



Okay, l'm going to say it--










-Oh, wow.






Whoa, ho, whoa, well, well!



Come on out here, Andie.



-Meet everybody.




l want you to meet

Ben's father, Jack.



-Well, hello.




Welcome to our humble abode.



This is Andie, Jack.



Oh, thank you.

Nice to meet you.



And this is our Uncle Arnold.



-Hi, Uncle Arnold.

-Oh, hi, good morning.



This is Andie.



You got to watch him.

He farts like a howitzer,



but he's family,

so what are you going to do?



lntestinal complications.



Yeah, right, Arnold. Prunes.



Did you meet Joey?



A female Andy.






Nice to meet you.



Okay, here we go now.



The game is Bullshit,

and you are just in time



for the lightning round,

my dear.



l don't really know how to play.



Well, we're going to teach

you how. lt's very simple.



Trick is to get rid

of all the cards



in your hand, all right?



So l'm going

to look in my hand,



and l'm going to see

what l've got here.



And, well, do you know?



l've got two aces here.



Well, two aces.

What do you say to that?



What are you

going to say?



-l say bullshit.




What did she say?

l didn't quite hear.



Did you guys...?

l didn't hear what she said.



What did you say?



l said bullshit!



All right!



Well, she knows how

to play the game,



Yes, sir.



Hey, big daddy,

come to Papa.



Get on over there, big man.

Slick as a whistle.



How you doing, Unc?



Hi, Ben.



-That's my grandson.




Hey, how you doing, buddy?



Got a game of Bullshit

going here?



A little game of Bullshit.



Want to join us?



Good luck.



What'd you leave me with, Joe?



Look at the expert here.



Okay, now, we went

through the deck.



We're going to start

at the beginning now.



So we go to twos.



Let's see, now.

l've got myself one deuce here.









Bullshit, Pop.



He's a human lie detector,

isn't he?



Try this, son:



two threes.






One four.



Three fives.






Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.



You see whose name's on top

of the board over there?



Yes, it says ''Ben,''

with a star next to it.



You still want to bullshit me?



God, you must be so proud.



l'm doing my best.

What do we got?






-Did l b-b-bullshit?

-Got, uh...



No, l told the truth.



Three fives.



He's good. He's the champ.



All right, all right.

Lighten up on me, Jim.



What am l?



Sixes to you.



One six.



One six, all right.



Whoa, look at what l got here.



You see, the key to this game

is being able to read people.



Two eights.




Bull...shit, Mama.






l-l'm going to have to hurt you.



Uh-huh. You see,

Mom's never been



that great at it, but why?



Just 'cause l'm so pure

of heart.



-So pure of heart.




Hello, hello!

Yeah, where is everybody?












This is Andie.

Andie, this is my sister, Dora.



-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.



Andie is kicking Ben's ass

in Bullshit.



Yeah, yeah, yeah.



-Oh, l like this girl.

-That's right.



Ben's starting a little

card collection.



All right, let me get back

on track here.



Gentle Ben starts with three

ladies, and that's to you.



What do you got to say

about that?






You heard me.

l said bullshit.






Ah. Mm-hmm.



Uh-huh. What is that--

seven in a row, Sparky?



l think somebody's met

his match.



Well, l-l, it's...

all about... reading people.






Okay. Two kings.






Bull... shit!



Yeah, you!



Nah, nah, nah, no!



You have met your match.



And you, Mom--

Miss Pure of Heart.



Pop, l told you.

You're hiding behind a badge.



l didn't see anything.



Cheated me.



Betrayed by my own parents.



The only honest man

in this place



is Uncle Arnold, who's asleep.



But l won.



l'm going to go inside

and play with the kids.



Maybe they won't lie,

cheat, and steal.



Okay, keep my name

on top of the board.



Now, Andie, l hope you know



that we are expecting you

to come back here,



because you have held Ben

to his lowest Bullshit score...



Yeah, yeah.



...since his tonsillectomy,



and we are thrilled!






Why, were all his other

girlfriends Bullshit losers?



What other girlfriends?



Ma, he's picky.



You are the first girl

he's ever brought home.



Don't you break

his heart, now.



And that dress. Andie, now,

does that come in my size?



There's a new wind blowing

like l've never known



l'm breathing deeper

than l've ever done



And it sure feels good

to finally feel the way l do.



Yes, sir.



-l want to love somebody

-My turn?



Yes, ma'am.



Love somebody like you.



lt's... heavy.



Turn it on.






-Keep this clutch in.

-That's the clutch.



Brake here on your right.



Your gears are on the left.



-One down.




Now, when we take off,



you're going to give

a little bit on the clutch.






And you're going to go

a little bit here.



A little give, a little go.



How's it go?



A little give and a little go?



That's it.






A little clutch and

a little brake. There we are.



You got it?



l got it.



l got it.



You got it.






Voila, voila, voila, voila.



l mean, there's a lot of cool

things about a bike, you know?



Use less gas.



ln traffic jams, you park

wherever the hell you want.



But at the end of the day...



Thank you.



...chicks dig 'em. Ah!







You look so cute.



Can l ask you a question?



Well, yeah.



Chicks dig this?



Yes, chicks dig this.



l'm ready to love somebody



Love somebody like you.



l turned!



Oh, oh, oh,

you're driving like a pro.



Yeah, look at you.






Look at this look.



Yeah, now, this shower...




is a little bit tricky.



The hot is actually cold.

The cold is actually hot.



You got to crank it

all the way up, at first,






if somebody flushes

the toilet in Bayonne,



you are going to get scalded.



The towels are right there.



Everything all right?

ls this okay?



Oh, no, it's more than okay.



l love everything

about this house:



the noise, the smells...



Oh, well, the smells--

that's Uncle Arnold,



l mean...



What's wrong?



lt's just that when

your mom hugged me today,



she really hugged me...



for winning a game of Bullshit.



Sweetie, that's a good thing.






Smile. Now come on.

Give me a smile.



Okay, that's good, that's it.

Yes, you're scaring me.



Something in your eyes

makes me want to lose myself



Makes me want to lose myself

in your arms



There's something in your voice



Makes my heart beat fast



Hope this feeling lasts

for the rest of my life



lf you knew how much

this moment means to me



And how long l've waited

for your touch



And if you knew how happy

you are making me



l never thought

that l'd love anyone so much



lt feels like home to me,

it feels like home to me



lt feels like l'm all the way

back where l come from



lt feels like home to me,

it feels like home to me



Feels like l'm all the way back

where l belong.



This is home, huh?



This is home.



Hey, listen,



tomorrow night my boss

is throwing a party



for that diamond account

l was telling you about.



l want you to come with me.












As my girlfriend.



Are you calling me

your girlfriend?



Yeah. l think l am.



Won't tomorrow be the tenth day

we've been seeing each other?






Maybe after that we'll know.



Listen, don't make any plans



for day    okay,






we have a game to go to.









They're not as good of seats

as you got us,



but this is Game Seven, huh?






Ah, come here.












l can't write this article.



ls your computer broken?



l've gotten to know this guy.



Andie, do you see any

patches or insignia



anywhere on my clothing?






lt's because l'm not your Girl

Scout leader, l'm your boss.



You'll write the article.



This cover is

at the printer



as we speak, with a special

section on diamonds,



which is going to take care of

my ad quota for the entire year.



l want copy on my desk

in    hours.



Okay, but, Lana...



No ''but, Lana.'' You'll do it...



because you're



a professional.



Yes, l am.



You're beautiful.



You look pretty good, too,




Champagne, madam?



Thank you.



Chalk one up

to couples' therapy.



Wow. Some party.






You're going to do great.



l'm going to go to the bar

and get us a couple of drinks.



l'm going to go to the bar

and get us a couple of drinks.



Oh, good idea.



Okay? And while l do that,

would you please...



head over there, and...

frost yourself.



l can wear those?



Yes, ma'am, you can.









l don't see you

at a party for ages.



Now here you are,



throwing the bash of the year.



l'm glad you could make it.



Like them?



Ah, it suits you.



l know!



Harry Winston.



How did you get

all these jewelers



to agree to appear

at the same fete?



At the request of Mrs. DeLauer.






Yes, you see,

Mr. DeLauer controls



  % of the world's diamonds,



and Mrs. DeLauer



controls Mr. DeLauer.



You're bad.



Ah! Enjoy.






This is real?



Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no...



l insist.



Notre bonne lsadora,

s'il vous plait?



Yes, sir.



Such beauty

should be celebrated.









Oh, no, l'm Andie.



Oh, and a pleasure to meet you,

Andie, but this is lsadora.



Turn, turn, s'il vous plait.




named for lsadora Duncan.




You got her here.






But the question remains...



Does she, or doesn't she?



We're going to find out.



An angel of God.




-l am Frederick.



Andie Anderson.



Well, it looks like you've got

some competition, anyway.



Miss Anderson will be wearing



lsadora for the evening.



Enjoy the party, Andie.



Merci beaucoup.



Oh, that's stunning!




Excuse me.



Two champagnes, please, sir.



Pardon me, young man.



Would you be kind enough

to order me a whiskey sour?



Yes, ma'am, l can.

Mrs. DeLauer?






l'm Ben Barry

with Warren Advertising.



How do you do?



The pleasure's mine.

lt's nice to finally meet you.



l'm very happy to meet you, too,

that's for sure.



Can l get a whiskey sour,




l can promise you

that our presentation



will not weary you

in the wrong way, Mrs. DeLauer.



l cannot wait to see

what you present, Benjamin.



Ladies, do you

see what l see?



Oh, Phillip, that's ridiculous.

She couldn't possibly.



Don't be so sure.



She might possibly.



l think l'll go find out.



E-Excuse me.

You're Andie, yes?






l'm Phillip Warren.



Oh, you're Ben's boss.



That's right.



Hi, pleasure to meet you.



Pleasure to meet you.



Well, l understand you've been

an inspiration to Ben



in more ways than one,



and l must say,



you look rather inspired




There isn't a diamond

in the room that sparkles



like a woman in love.



Oh, no.



l'm not in love.






l guess l was mistaken.



No, no, no. l mean...



l mean, l've only known him



for ten days. l...



You can't...



l can't... l can't be...



Ben is a very lucky man.



Excuse me.






Mr. Warren,

please don't tell him.



Please don't tell him.






Ben, Ben.



Hey, hello, gentlemen.



She loves you;

she loves you not.



What-what is it?



l don't know.



We'll see.






Mr. Warren.



Saw her, met her.

She loves you. You win.



Get ready to pitch.



Congratulations, point man.



l'm very proud.



So, you're the new

point man on the DeLauers.



She loves me.



Good for you...



and... good for whoever she is.



Ah, well...

thank you so much.



Oh, you're so very welcome.



Gloating, are we?



Yeah, pretty much.



Warren told us, so...



Yeah, you don't mess

with my man Ben.






Your man Ben

is a cheater.



Mm-hmm. The girl

has known about the bet



from the beginning.



She was playing along

so Ben would win.



Tell him to enjoy his

short-lived, ill-gotten victory.



We're going to talk to Warren.







-Come on...






Remember us?







You know, uh, Warren



is going to come over here

in a minute,



and it would...



it would be so great if you

could just, you know, like,



act like you don't know

anything about the bet.



l mean, if-if you could tell him



that you-you really,

truly love Ben, you know,



and you weren't just,

you know, pretending,



so he would... he would win,



that would be... huge.



So what's the average

Composure reader like?



Spunky, insatiable.

Uppity? You bet.



lf you'll excuse me, Lana,



there is a beautiful

young woman



in a yellow dress



that l must go to.






Yeah, she's my ''How to'' girl.



How to?



Yes. Right now, she's doing

an article called,



''How to... Lose a Guy

in Ten Days.''



Just look him

straight in the eye...



Yeah, and just,

and just, you love Ben,



and you never heard

anything about any bet.



Yeah. Love.

No bet. Okay?



l understand.






Yeah, that's good.

Thank you.



You look beautiful.



This poor schmuck

she's been pretending to date--



well, not even

pretending to date--



she's actually dating the guy.



She's doing the most

atrocious things to him.



She's... she's actually



named his...



She's named his...



You're Krull.



Ladies and gentlemen,



may l ask you all kindly

to be seated?



Now that we're all

suitably frosted...



Benjamin, where have you been?



We haven't much time to play.



Ah! And the ladies

do look lovely--



please help me give

a warm welcome



to our special guests

of the evening,



Mr. and Mrs.



Frederick DeLauer.



And now, l want to introduce



a true musical legend



who will perform

some of his Oscar, Grammy,



Tony, and Emmy

award-winning songs,



Mr. Marvin Hamlisch.



Thank you very much.



l really do apprec...



Wow, yes! Give another hand



for... Marvin Hamlisch

is in the house!






A lot of you out here

don't know Benjamin Barry.






shame on you.



'Cause he is a very talented



advertising executive,

a knowledgeable sports fan



and a wagering enthusiast



but most impressively,



he is one hell of a singer,



and he has prepared

a little musical snack



for his new special friend,



Mrs. DeLauer.



Oh. Oh, isn't that wonderful?



So, Ben, why

don't you come up here



and sing your song?






Come on, Ben.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Benjamin Barry.



Come on, Ben.



Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.



Andie, Andie.

Whoa, whoa, don't run off.



Don't run off!



Ladies and gentlemen

you do not want



this young lady

to leave the room.



Thayer. Tony.



Would you stop her, please?



You see, tonight, the

really special event



is that we will be singing,

her and l, a duet.



Yes, Miss Andie Anderson.



Could you please give

a warm round



of applause! Thank you!



Andie. Andie Anderson.



Knock 'em out.



Let's see what

our song tonight will be.



Maybe one of her

personal favorites.



Marvin, do you know,



''You're So Vain''?



That's not one of my songs.



Can you work with me, Marvin?






Yeah, yeah, yeah



Yeah, yeah, yeah



You walked into the party



Like you were

walking onto a yacht



You had your-your hat pulled

down real strategically



Over one eye, you had a scarf



l think it was apricot



Strategically tipped

below one eye



Yeah, yeah, yeah



One eye in the mirror



As you made sure

you had a real cool...




-Gavotte. Yeah.



And all the girls think

that they'd be your partner



They'd be his partner

'cause he's so vain



You probably think

this song is about you



Ben Barry, you're so vain



So, so vain



You probably think

this song is about you



Don't you? Don't you?



Tone deaf and drunk is not

a good combination.



No, you-you fooled

me to win a bet...



Oh, l fooled you?



and you should feel ashamed.



Look, you took me



to a goddamn

Celine Dion concert.



You made me miss the big game.



Oh, smart guy's a rhymer.






Do we want everybody to know

your lovemaking is lame?



Oh, maybe because

you named my penis.



Yeah, you named my penis.



You named my penis after a dame!



No, l really think

you have to get over that.



Come on, you're so vain.



-No, you're so vain.

-You are so vain.



This is the worst thing

l've ever heard.



And you know that this song

is about you, don't ya?



-No, no.

-Because you're...



You're so vain.



-You're so... vain.



You do know the words

so well, don't you?



There she goes,

ladies and gentlemen.



There she goes.

Thank you very much.



Thanks, guys.



Take it from here, Marvin.



Wasn't she wearing

the lsadora diamond?






Oh, mon dieu.






No, no, no, no, no.



Hold on, Andie Anderson.



l'm not done with you.



You used me...



Oh, l used you?


            get ahead in your work.



You arrogant...



-Hold it!

-...backstabbing jerk!



-Lady, hold it!

-Come on, Andie.



All right,

you drove me half insane



for a goddamn magazine article.



Oh, yeah, and you told people



you could make any girl fall

in love with you, and l...




-l was exhibit A.



-Now folks, time out.

-You talk about integrity?







Look, please,

just give me the necklace.



Then you guys can go on

and kill each other.



So that's what l was, huh?



l was a guinea pig.



Somebody you could test

your theories on?



Yeah, and l...



and l was...



just a girl

somebody picked out in a bar.



Yeah, you know what? Big deal.



Hell, l'm sure now



you can even use it

as a little twist in your story.



lt's a good idea.



Maybe we should bet on it.



You know what?



You did your job now, Andie.



Yes, l did.



You wanted to lose a guy

in ten days.






You did it.

You just... lost him.



No, l didn't, Ben.



Cause you can't lose something

you never had.





           's not what l expected.



lt's better.






This shows me

you're ready to be unleashed.



From now on,



feel free to write

about anything.






Wherever the wind blows you.



Even politics?



No, the wind's not going

to blow you there.



What about religion,

poverty, economics...?



This wind



is really more

of a light breeze.



What can l write about, Lana?



Whatever you want.






Laser therapy,

dressing for your body type.



Use your imagination.



The sky is the limit.



Thank you

for this opportunity, Lana.






And thank you for

making it easy



for me to turn it down.



No. l mean, look,

it's not something l'm proud of.



Obviously, if l could...

do it over again,



l'd do some things differently,

you know?



Say, it's good to talk

to you, though, man.



lt really is.



Ah, l know it.



You are the only one...



that knows us both.









You want to go?



You want to go to the game?



Well, go ahead,

'cause l'm not going.



Seventh and final game



of what has been

a classic series between...



Sweetie, l wouldn't have gone,




l mean, l-l would have liked

to have gone,



but they probably

wouldn't let me.



You're doing the right thing.



Oh, sweetie.



There's the Chinese.



l'm coming.






Okay, so that's going to be...









that wasn't the Chinese.



lt's Mike.






Yeah, what do l do?

What do l do?



Talk to him.



Okay, okay.


















So, um...



what are you doing here?



l don't know exactly.






lt was last night--

l-l was...



l was just lying there

and trying to sleep, and...



you know that... that perfume

you sprayed on my pillow?



Oh, yeah.



Well, that smell is gone now,



and, uh...



Michelle, l-l want it back.



l, um...



l don't know

if you can have it back.












But l... l'm willing



to-to consider it.







-Oh, my...



These are for you.



Thank you.









We could... kiss.



l remember where you live.



Who needs men?



Ladies... frost yourselves.









And cut it.



Very nice.



You like?



Oh, it was superb.



Okay, let's go one more.



Right away, people.



Real good.

l'll keep working on it.



Tim, can l see playback?



Open me, Ben.



Please, break my binding.







-Get that out of here, man.




Straightening this out.



You might want to read this.



Ah, no thanks.






''l've lost a guy,

and l don't know why.



''What went wrong?



''When l started writing

this month's column,



''l wanted to commit the certain

silly dating faux pas.



''What l didn't realize was



''that l was making

the biggest mistake...



of all.''



Here. Trust me.



Read it.



Come on set.



Andie Anderson?



Excuse me, ma'am.



Holy crap.



Where's Andie Anderson?



She's not here.



-Where is she?

-She quit.



She's got an interview

in Washington.



When is she leaving?







Well, like, now.



You're not a therapist, are you?









Good job, though.



You owe me     bucks.






Anywhere you go



l'll follow you down



Anyplace but those

l know by heart



Anywhere you go,

l'll follow you down



l'll follow you down

but not that far






l know

we're headed somewhere



l can see how far we've come



But still l can't remember




lt's a long way down



When all the knots we've tied

have come undone



Anywhere you go,

l'll follow you down



l'll follow you down

but not that far



l'll follow you down












Pull over, we need to talk.



Are you trying

to get yourself killed?



lf that's what it takes, yeah.



Now pull over the cab.






excuse me, sir.



Can you please pull

the car over?



We're in the middle of a bridge,




l can't pull the car over here.



Okay, well, do you have

an ashtray



or something l can throw up in?



Gee, lady.



Watch it, broad!



What the hell was that?



ls this true?



Ben, please.



ls this true?



Or are you just trying

to sell magazines?



l meant every word.



Well, where you going?



l have an interview.



Yeah, in Washington.



l know.



Where you going?



Ben, it's the only place

l can go



and write what l want to write.



No, l'm not buying that.



You can write anywhere.



l think you're running away.



Why don't you save your mind

games for your next bet, okay?



l am not running away.






Excuse me?



You heard me.






Hey, lady, what do ya wanna do?



Take the lady's luggage



back to her place.



She has alternate




You callin' my bluff?



You bet l am.

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