How To Marry A Millionaire Script - Dialogue Transcript

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How To Marry A Millionaire Script



Is Mr. Benton here yet?

The agent for the apartment.



- Yes, he's in there waiting for you.

- Thank you.



- Good morning.

- I hope I haven't kept you waiting?



Not at all. But I'm afraid

you won't meet Mr. Denmark, the owner.



- He flew to Europe.

- I'm disappointed. Wasn't that sudden?



Very. But you know how tax people

are when you skip a whole year.



The result is that

a longer lease is now possible.



- Open, if you don't mind.

- Hm? Oh.






How long a lease? Not that it matters

if he insists on      a month.



That's why I wanted to see him.



He won't need the place for years.

Mr. Whiskers really blew his top.



- He can't come back to this country?

- It would be the very height of folly.



Oh, I see.



That throws an entirely different

light. Where's that lease?



- I haven't got it with me.

- Never mind. You can mail it.



This is for two months,

first and last.



- Isn't that the deal?

- Correct.



- When would you like to take it?

- Anything wrong with now?



- Nothing at all. It's a bit unusual...

- Thank you. You've been awfully kind.



Thank you. It's a pleasure to do

business with a lady of such decision.



- Bye, now.

- Yes, of course.



- How long shall I make the lease for?

- A year will be quite enough.



Don't you think you ought...?




- Bingo.



I'll be right over!



- To the left.

- Thanks.



Put them on, no men here yet.

You got here fast. Did you take a cab?



I didn't have money. I got the Chrysler

people to demonstrate the car again.



- The one with gold trim?

- Was it gold? I didn't wear my specs.



The one they sent for me

had gold trim.



- Smooth, huh?

- Creamy.



- Are we really in?

- Built in.



- I'll call Loco.

- Loco who?



The girl I told you about,

from Jersey.



- You didn't say her name was Loco.

- It's what the models call her.



- It means crazy.

- That's what I know.



WOMAN: Hello?

- Bingo.



- Hold that.

- Just a minute.



I can't live with a dame

I never met.



You don't have to.

I'll just ask her over.



If you don't like her,

that's the end.



- Is she class?

- Is she?



She's been on Harper's Bazaar

three times.



- She knows how to handle it?

- Let's see if she does.



- How much money you got?

- I've got a quarter.



Wonderful. Stop on your way and

pick up something for lunch for us.



- How many?

- Three.



Okay, as soon as

I get something on.



A fine addition to a million-

dollar proposition. One quarter.



Maybe. But she's awful clever

with a quarter.



I don't know how to thank you.

I'm still so embarrassed.



No reason to be. Anybody can forget

their money, I've done it myself.



- Hi, honey.

- Come on in.



I met this man at the meat counter.

What was your name?



Tom Brookman. B-R-O-O-K-M-A-N.



This is Miss Pola Debevoise.

And this is Miss Page, isn't it?



- Mrs. Page.

- How do you do? It was very funny.



I was ordering, and Miss Dempsey

said she only had a quarter...



- Just set that down.

- Shall I put them in the kitchen?



- Better not, the cook's not dressed.

- Really?



- Thank you.

- I thought...



Another day.

Give us a ring.



- I don't know the number.

- It's in the book.



- Thank you very much.

- I don't know your first name.



He was nice.

I thought he'd have lunch.



The first rule is, gentleman callers

have got to wear a tie.



If we begin with characters like him,

we might as well throw in the towel.



Thanks, Nick. Keep the change.



- How do you do, Mr. Brookman?

- Hi, Pete.



The thing to remember is,

a man in the cold cuts...


            not as attractive as one

in the mink department.



- He was cute.

- Sure he was.



- I never met a gas jockey that wasn't.

- Is that what he is?



You bet your life he is. I know,

I married one once. Very cute.



- I didn't know you were married.

- She just got back from Reno.



- Then you must be loaded.

- No.



You won't read about my divorce,

the wife finished second.



Isn't that against the law?



I was nuts about him.

Know what he did to me?



First, he gave me a phony name.

Second, he was already married.



Third, the minute the preacher

said amen, he never did any work.



Then he stole my TV set. I asked him

about it and he hit me with a chicken.



- A live chicken?

- No, baked and stuffed.



He sounds incompatible to me.



Last I saw him, I got out of the car

at a gas station and had to walk home.



I'm surprised you'd want

to marry again.



That's the point of this setup.

Of course I want to get married again.



Who doesn't? It's the biggest thing

you can do in life.



Most people use more brains picking a

horse than they do picking a husband.



- Really?

- Use your head, not your heart.



I see.



Tell her your idea.



The idea is this, if you could

choose anyone in the world...



...would you marry

a rich guy or a poor one?



- I'd rather marry a rich one.

- Where would you meet one?



In a walkup on Amsterdam Avenue,

or in a joint like this?



- I should say in a joint like this.

- Okay then, that's it.



We all work, so we combine what we

make and organize this marriage caper.



Class address, class background,

class characters.



- Nothing under six figures a year.

- I've never heard anything so smart.



To catch a mouse, set a mousetrap.

So we set a bear trap.



- One of us has got to knock off a bear.

- You mean marry him?



If you don't, you haven't caught him,

he's caught you.



Ever since I was a girl, I've had

the same dream: Marry a zillionaire.



- You know who I'd like to marry?

- Who?






- Which one?

- I don't care.



- I wouldn't mind marrying a Vanderbilt.

- Or Mr. Cadillac.



- No such person. I checked.

- Is there a Mr. Texaco?






- How about one of those rich maharajas?

- How about three of them?



It'd be wonderful if

they all married us!



- Think of all the diamonds and rubies.

- And all those crazy elephants.



- This is really living it up.

- People living another way are crazy.



- Who's gonna pay for it?

- How about that?



- I'll tell you.

- I knew it couldn't last.



Relax, will you?

Break open that other bottle.



I'm from the Bennett Music Company.

Are you the lady...?



- That's right, come right in.

- Thank you.



The reason I called is, what will

you give for this piano, cash?



Well, it's a very handsome




Pola, I think she's the most

intelligent person I ever met.



It's not in first-class condition,

you understand...



...but we might be interested

in paying you, say, $    ?



Take it.



Well, kids? Where'll we eat

tonight? Stork or "  "?






- Hello?

MAN: Is this Trafalgar-     ?



- Yes.

- Who's this, Miss Page?



- Yes. Who's this?

- This is Tom Brookman.



- You remember me?

- Oh, sure, but...



I didn't realize who you were

until I picked up an old magazine.



- What do you mean?

- You were Miss Steinbach Beer.



- Yes, I believe I was.

- That's you jumping around in a girdle?



I wouldn't say jumping around,

I'm supposed to be dancing.



I was wondering if you'd have dinner

with me some night.



- What about tonight?

- I can't tonight.



- Tomorrow night?

- I'm sorry.



- What about Thursday night?

- You're wasting your time.



Don't call again, will you?



- Hey, kid. Pola!

- Yes?



- Think we'll ever get this going?

- What do you mean?



Nearly three months,

and we can't even get engaged.



- I could've got engaged last week.

- Who to?



- The English fellow.

- What fellow?



The one that borrowed

five dollars.



Here we are set up for the

carriage train, and what do we get?



You hook a schnook, I'm invited

to Hamburger Heaven for dinner...



...and Loc shows up each night

with a man from the drugstore...



...with more shower caps and quarts

of aspirin. Where will that get us?



It's not us. It's the men.

They're getting more and more nervous.



Especially the loaded ones.



Meanwhile, where we gonna

sit next week?



We're trying. It isn't always easy to

find out if they're rich or married.



They look at you like you're prying.



Something's got to break,

or we'll be on the street.



And all we need is just one.

That's the beauty of a bear trap.



You don't have to catch a herd.

All you need is one nice, big fat one.






Probably Miss Perth Amboy again

with another load of Kleenex.






- Hello, Schatze.

- Hello.



This is...

Sorry, what was your name?



- J.D. Hanley.

- This is Schatze Page.



- And Pola Debevoise.

- How do you do?



We met in the mink department

at Bergdorf's.



- Really?

- Yes. The clerk was...



Please excuse the apartment.

We sent everything to be cleaned.



- But if you don't mind the dining room?

- Of course not.



With the maid off, we're roughing it.

Won't you sit down?



Thank you, but I can't stay.

I just came to help Miss Dempsey.



- Mr. Hanley is from Dallas, Texas.

- Really?



- In the oil business?

- A little, but mostly stock.



- Stocks and bonds?

- No. My stock is white-faced Hereford.



- Come again?

- Cattle.



You know, like cows.



- I see. Sure you won't sit down?

- I haven't time right now.



But I was telling Miss Dempsey

about an organization I'm in...



...the Oil Institute. We're having

an informal reception tonight.



If you'd honor us with your presence,

you'd make us all very happy.



- You mean nothing but oil men?

- Well, probably a few bankers too.



- Bankers will be all right.

- Naturally.



I realize this is sudden, but there'll

be dancing, a few drinks, and laughs.



- Sounds creamy to me.

- I like laughs.



- It's a deal?

- I'd love it.




I'll pick you up at  :  .



- We'll meet the other men too?

- All of them.



- And they're not all old like me.

- Oh, stop it!



- You look just the prime to me.

- Thank you, ladies.



You've already made my trip

to New York worthwhile.



- Bye, now.

- Bye.



I think this is it, kids.



A great big room full of nothing

but rich millionaires. And us.



Very good idea. Where shall we go?



Well, there's a new place...



- Good evening.

- Have you a table for two?



Certainly, sir. This way, madame.



- Champagne?

- We might as well.



- A table for two, Philip.

- Certainly. This way.



- The best, you know.

- Certainly, sir.



The best we have, sir.



- A quart of champagne.

- What kind?



- The best you've got.

- Very good, sir.



- Good evening.

- Two, please.



This way, please.



- This way, my dear.

- I'm so sorry.



I am sorry.



- You said you were alone here?

- There's a party of us up from Texas.



All men?



Some wives too. You met some tonight.

The others went to a show.



- You know how women are in New York.

- I know.



I think Ella has seen five shows

in the last three days.



I see.



- Ella's my daughter.

- Oh, really?



- Is Mrs. Merrill here with you?

- There is no Mrs. Merrill.



And I live in New York.

Does that clear the situation?



Yes, indeedy it does.



- Are you married?

- Married?



At times I think

I'm the most married man in the U.S.A.



Do you know how many females

were at my house tonight?



- No, I can't say that I do.

- Seven.



My wife. Her divorced sister, and

I don't blame the guy for a second.



Their mother, who's     if she's

a day. An aunt from Massachusetts.



And three more whose names

I didn't even catch.



To tell the truth, I never felt

the loneliness of being a widower...



...until the past few years. At first

there were the children for company.



But they're grown up now.

My son's married, Ella's engaged.



The house is beginning

to seem pretty big and empty.



- I can imagine.

- That's why I've been traveling.



London, south of France, Capri.

That's really no good, you know.



Oh, no, I know. No good at all.



Some years ago I chartered a boat.

Not large, but comfortable.



Took six months, just loafing

around the world. But it was no use.



I suppose there's really only

one cure for loneliness.






- Human companionship.

- You're so right.



You don't know how right you are.



I'm not used to going out

with a married man.



If I'd asked earlier,

I don't know that I'd have come here.



This is quite innocent, isn't it?



If it is, it's the first time I ran

into it under similar circumstances.



My first impulse was to go to Arabia

and take a look at the situation.



I was sure the chaps from Socony

would have somebody on the spot.



After all, there's quite a sum

involved,     or     million dollars.



Naturally, I wasn't going

to take any chances.



Well, naturally.



I've got a thing for guys that work in

gas stations. They always send me.



This one handled a Standard Oil pump.

You don't own that, do you?






Standard Oil is one of the interests

of a man named Rockefeller.



- Is he a friend of yours?

- No, I'm afraid not.



Oh, well. But as I was saying...



When you live in an asylum like that,

you need to get away, you know?






But I got that all fixed.

I got me a lodge in Maine.



I love lodges.



- You do?

- Simply adore them.



You mean, you'd like to see mine?



Well, I was speaking more figuratively

than relatively.



Because if you would,

I'm going up there Friday afternoon.



Simply adore them.



If you want to know

what kind of a guy I've got...



I'm happy. Not only is Mr. Hanley

a doll, he's absolutely unaffiliated.



- You don't think he's old?

- Wealthy men are never old.



- Mine's loaded too. But a real yawn.

- He doesn't look single.



- He's not.

- Then why waste your time?



What else have I got?

Unless you'd like me to join you?



- You do, I'll break your neck.

- He's invited me to a big party.



- Yeah? When?

- We're leaving Friday.



- For where?

- His lodge in Maine.



Are you crazy?



- I don't think so. I like lodges.

- You can't go. It violates the idea.



- I could meet someone else up there.

- Who you gonna meet in Maine, Eskimos?



You saw who I'm with?



- I saw.

- How does he look?



- Nice for a one-eyed man.

- That's all he's got?



- Why do you think he has that patch?

- I thought someone belted him.



Can't you keep those on long enough

to see who you're with?



You know what they say

about girls with glasses.



Maybe he got shot.



He sounds great.

I wish I knew how he looked.



- Who is he?

- I don't know.



But he hasn't mentioned anything

under $        .



My guy's class. Never mentions

his wealth, just refers to it.



Mr. Brewster talks about

his horrible family.



But we haven't ordered anything yet

under $  a portion.



Don't forget to take the leftovers.



We'd better get back

before they cool off.



Where is Maine anyway?



I'll take that, and that,

and that and that, and that.



And that, and that,

and that and that.



- And charge it.

- Yes, Mrs. Hanley.



Next stop, Arabia, sir.






Is he kidding?



No. It's an old custom

to make a stranger feel welcome.



Tell him from me he's simply a doll.

I'm crazy about these old customs.



Hello, Fashion House?



Is Mr. Antoine in for Mr. Brookman?

Thank you.



Mr. Antoine?



On the phone.



- Tony? Hi.

- How are you?



Fine. Tell me, how are you

fixed for beach stuff?



- You mean...?

- I wanna get something for my aunt.



- How old?

- About   . A young aunt.



- I can accommodate you.

- Could I see it on them?



- Today?

- That's the idea.



- Know a model named Schatze?

- Who?






- Oh, Mrs. Page.

- That's the one.



- Nice joint you got here.

- Thank you, sir.



- Sit here.

- If you'll excuse me.



- Is your aunt blond or brunette?

- Depends on the weather.



I'm not going to stall

at all with Mr. Hanley.



What will you do, mother him?



That's all right for kids. But I don't

think that's what he has in mind.



Our first we call

"Rainbow over the Everglades. "



It's a pastel plaid silk day dress

with a voluminous skirt...



...for cocktail parties

and afternoon gatherings.



You know, of course, that diamonds

are a girl's best friend.



This is our proof of it.



- You're not going with him, are you?

- For heaven's sakes, no.



- You're on, Loc.

- Goodness!



This one we call

"Lookie, Lookie, Lookie. "



It begins as

a spectator sports dress.



- Well, get you!

- Hi.



Which converts into a one-piece play

costume of jersey and matching wool.



Our next is

"Good Afternoon, Sweetheart. "



This is a tea dress which plunges

in the back, not the front.



Made of imported printed sheer,

with parasol to match.



- You like that, monsieur?

- Comme ci, comme ša



- He's really the end of the line.

- Still think he's cute.



- Who is he?

- That garage man.



- What garage?

- The fellow with the cold cuts.



"Trouble in the Afternoon. "



A beach boy's shirt of gingham,

with a deep rose cummerbund...



...and a coolie hat of natural straw.



"Hard-Hearted Hannah"

is a Palm Beach stroller...



...consisting of mustard crash pants

and a blouse of gray and white silk.



Next is "Double Frozen Daiquiris,"

a beach costume with sleek pants...



...with a wraparound of Thai silk.



Notice the Egyptian influence

in the bazaar raffia hat.



"South of the Border" is Mexican

grace of black cotton...



...a tamale-colored serape,

and a Payon straw hat.



Can I take a look

at that pink and blue job?



Of course, sir. Miss Schatze?



- Much obliged, Tony.

- Not at all, sir.



- Can I put anything aside?

- No, nothing I want. Thanks again.



All right, girls. Thank you.



- Mr. Antoine?

- Yes?



I know him. He's making

a chump out of you.



Do I tell you how to put on a girdle?



You bet your life you don't.



Then would you be good enough

not to tell me how to do business?



- Mr. Brewster?

- Yes.



I'll take these.






- You're not the regular driver.

- No. Pa's the regular driver.



He went to a Republican rally

last night and couldn't get up.



- Certainly is a funny place for it.

- Funny place for what?



A convention.



- What's this?

- The lodge, naturally.



This house?



- It'll look better with a fire.

- Where are the others?



- Other what?

- Members.



I'm sorry. I don't know what

you're talking about half the time.



- You said it was a lodge.

- I did. It is.



Where are the members?

Like the Elks Lodge.



I went to a convention two years ago.

There were thousands of members.



It was the happiest time.



- Is that what you thought this was?

- Naturally, what else?



- Where do you want these?

- In the car.



- Something wrong?

- No, we're just going back.



Not today.

No more trains until tomorrow.



- I may slit my throat.

- Would you like a fire?



- I was about to.

- I'll do it.



- I never saw so much snow.

- I'm sorry about this.



Be patient. I'll get you

out of here as soon as I can.



I figured I might have to put on

some skis, but not in this snow.



I have some rum in the pantry,

I'll get you a drink.



- Maybe you'd like a little music.

- Maybe I'd like a little poison too.



- You got radio up here?

- Sure. Radio, houses, everything.



- Here. Take the first one straight.

- Listen. All the way from New York.



- Good old Harry James.

- Is it? How can you tell?



How I can tell is

because it is Harry James.



DEEJAY: You're listening

to the music of Ziggy Colombo.



- Turn that liar off!

- Stop acting like a brat and behave.



I've never been in

a situation like this...



...and I never will again! But it

does no good to stand here and jaw.



- I feel awful. All tingly.

- Well, I wish I did. Drink it!



- Is this rum?

- Medford Rum. Over     years old.



- Then I'm sick. Call a doctor.

- What are you talking about?



When rum smells like a carnation,

I've got a fever. Get a doctor, now.



- Don't get hysterical.

- Don't hit me!



I want to feel your forehead.



- There's a thermometer outside.

- Get it!



Will you please call a doctor?



- You do feel warm.

- Are you calling a doctor or not?



I can't, people know me here.

Don't you understand?



Am I supposed to die because

you've got a big name around here?



- It's a little large.

- Is there a hospital?






- What?

- I'll take your temperature.



- Not with that flute.

- It's a thermometer.



- That's not for people!

- Open your mouth, I tell you.



And don't try to talk

until I take that out.



If it was my daughter,

know what I'd do?



She's not your daughter. She's not mine

either, if that's what you're driving at.



- How much is it?

-    .



- Is that bad?

- It's definitely a slight temperature.



Maybe you call it slight,

but she ought to be in bed.



I'm gonna die, I know it,

out here in this jungle!



- I can call Ma, she's a nurse.

- What good is that?



We tell her the symptoms,

she'll give us answers.



All right.

Be careful what you tell her.



I'll tell her what you

tell me to tell her.



Hazel? Eben.

Bring Ma, will you?



Brewster's lodge.

Yeah, he's here with...



His skis.



If it's mumps, I'll die.



What's it a sign of if a girl shivers

and has a temperature of    ?



- Her eyes watering?

- Like two faucets.



They're watering.



Look at her tongue.



- It looks kind of red.

- Tongue's blotchy.



- Look behind her ears.

- Have you been scratching yourself?



- Models aren't allowed to scratch.

- Breaking out behind the ears.



I see.



Okay. Thanks, Ma.



- Nothing to worry about.

- What is it?



- Measles.

- Measles?



- I've got nothing to worry about?

- Get her to bed.



Keep her quiet, and the room dark,

so you avoid complications.



She'll be as good as new

in a week or two.



- Keep it.

- Much obliged.



Yes, sir?



- Hi, Mike.

- How are you, Mr. Denmark?



- I thought you were in Europe.

- I was. Come back here.



- You're a friend, aren't you?

- You bet.



I'm in a jam with the tax

department. I need help.



Anything you want.

I've had tax trouble myself.



- Who's got my apartment?

- Three young businesswomen.



I have to get in.

Can you arrange it?



You can get in now. One is out with

the Texan, one with the one-eyed man.



- And the other one?

- She's at an Elks convention.



- Want me to wait?

- If you can.



If I get a buzz, I'll come back.






That's not them. They never

get in till late. Be right back.



- Okay if I turn on the light?

- Sure.




Pola left the lights on.



- What will you have to drink?

- Milk, if you don't mind.






If we've got any. Go to the kitchen,

I'll be there in a minute.



- Is that the best we've got?

- Apparently.



But it's all I want. Schatze, you've

made my visit a very pleasant one.



I'd like to do something

to show my appreciation.



- Don't be silly.

- Tell me something.



Is the furniture really being cleaned,

or is there another explanation?



- You don't have to worry about that.

- Did you sell it, or hock it?



- Well, we sold it.

- Will they sell it back?



And now, dear Schatze,

I'm afraid we must say goodbye.



I thought you were staying

until next week.



I was. But something has happened

that I had never dreamed.



- I think it's wise to leave at once.

- What do you mean?



- Remember the first time I came here?

- Yes.



I came in a subtle, aging widower.



- With the rest of my days laid out.

- Really?



- But that isn't the way I went out.

- You didn't?



Do you believe in love

at first sight?



- Absolutely. No question about it.

- I don't. Not at my age anyway.



Will you stop talking about age?

You're no Methuselah.



Don't you know

you're in the prime of life?



- How old are you?

- Forty.



Oh, Schatze. That's probably

the sweetest lie you've ever told.



-    would be more like it.

- Don't jump to conclusions.



It's no use, darling. I'm   

years old,    years older than you.



By your standards, an old man.



We might be able to support

this difference for five years.



- What happens when I'm truly old?

- Listen, I hate young men.



- Thank you.

- That's all right.



- Do you have to go?

- I'm afraid so.



- Well, nighty-night.

- Good night.



I've always liked older men.

Look at Roosevelt, Churchill.



Look at what's his name

in African Queen. Crazy about him.



- So you see...

- Pardon me.



- Come in.

- Hope I'm not intruding.



- You're entitled to hope.

- Don't let her kid you.



- I've got to go anyway.

- So early?



- I'm flying home tomorrow.

- Oh, no.



I've got to. Goodbye. It's been

a pleasure knowing all of you.



- Goodbye. Come back, will you?

- Some day, perhaps. Goodbye.



- What time does your plane leave?

- Nine.



Don't you believe anything I say?



I believe nothing could be more

wonderful, for me, than marrying you.



- And nothing worse for you.

- Will you call before you go?



- It's too early.

- Please.



Very well.



Good night, darling.



- What's the matter with him?

- I ought to punch you in the nose.



- What did I do?

- Nothing.



Nothing but break up a play

on the two-yard line.



- I'm terribly sorry.

- Miss Bubblehead is sorry.



- I was just anxious to tell you.

- What?



We're going to be married.



- You and who?

- Me and Stewart.



- You mean Blinky?

- Yes.



And if he doesn't fly to London,

I'll meet his mother Saturday.



- Down where?

- Atlantic City.



- What did you say this guy did?

- Oil, darling. Simply barrels of it.



- Says he.

- You ought to hear him talk about it.



- We ought to put a check on him.

- Why? What do you mean?



Nobody's mother lives

in Atlantic City on Saturday.






- Hello?

TOM: Miss Page?



That's right. It's still no.



- Who thought of this?

- What?



- Skiing on snow.

- What else would you ski on?



The natural way.

In Florida. On water.



Ski on water? Why, you...



Mrs. Salem.



Here she is now.



- How you feeling?

- Never mind. Where were you?



- On a mountain.

- Who with?



- Nobody.

- What's that?



I'm going to give you

a manicure.



- What was his name?

- Eben.



You don't wanna get mixed up

with that guy.



- Don't I?

- Never.



Who should

I get mixed up with?



- I won't always have measles, you know.

- Say, you are getting better!



- Wait until we get back.

- I don't dig you sometimes.



What do you mean?



- Is your wife a spook?

- No. She's a true credit to her sex.



- Oh, brother.

- I mean it.



- Then why did you flip?

- Pardon?



- What set you off that night?

- Well, you're a very beautiful woman.



- I know.

- And I was a little upset that night.



My daughter had run away

and got married.



- What's wrong with that?

- The guy's no good. He's a gigolo.



- I might know him. What's his name?

- Martinez.



I read about that, a dancer.

"Hoofer Weds Heiress. "



- She isn't anymore.

- What?



- I disinherited her.

- Disinherited her?



I'll say one thing for poor people,

they don't disinherit their children.



- They've got nothing to disinherit.

- Say that again.



Poor families don't have

any money to pass on.



It doesn't make a difference.



No matter how much she didn't have,

my mother wouldn't disinherit me.



Do you mind if we don't talk

for a while?



Not at all.

I like not to talk.



- This is what I wanted you to see.

- It's nice.



It's all mine.

From the crest of that ridge...


            far as your eye can see

to the west, to beyond Old Baldy.



- All yours?

- Yes.



You mean all those trees,

and mountains and everything?



That's it.



- Well, for crying out loud.

- Isn't it beautiful?



- Isn't that what they call timber?

- Best in the world.



Well, what do you know about that?



I think it's the most

beautiful sight.



- I certainly don't blame you.

- It's pure, clean and plenty of room.



Do you think you could ever

come to like it?



Well, I never thought about it before,

but I imagine I could.



You should see it at night,

with the moon and stars.



Look, show me again

how much is yours.



From the crest of that ridge north,

around to the west...



It's all right. One went to work, one

to the bank, one's with the Elks.



- You said that the other night.

- This time I'm positive.







Oh, hello.



- Hello.

- Just a moment.



- She's not back.

- She isn't?



- Want to wait?

- I'd better be going.



- I'll tell her you were here.

- Thanks.



- Bye, now.

- Bye.



Sorry. One of Schatze's

friends just popped in.



- I'll tell you what I want.

- Yes?



I've got to nip down to Washington

for dinner with a certain party.



- Yes?

- That means I'll stay overnight.



So I want you to fly

to Atlantic City alone...



...and I'll meet you there.



- Is that all right?

- Of course it is.



Then here's the schedule.



There's a very good flight

from La Guardia Airport at  .



Fasten your seat belts, please.

May I take these?



Well, everything's okay.



- Well, I'll be darned.

- Pardon?



Haven't we met before?



You're Schatze's friend.

What happened to you?



- When?

- Yesterday.



I told her you'd come back.



- I got tied up.

- Your wife?



- I'm not married.

- That's nice.



- Look.

- Yes?



- Didn't you bring your glasses?

- What glasses?



- Don't you wear glasses?

- Oh, no! Whatever gives you that idea?



Then you've got peculiar vision.



- Why do you say that?

- You're reading upside down.



- But I'm no such thing.

- Not you, the book.



- Isn't it silly, though?

- Is it astigmatism?



- No, just blind as a bat.

- Me too.



Really? Then why aren't

you wearing glasses?



I am wearing glasses.



Well, there you are.



I used to be like that,

shaking hands with lamp posts...



...because I didn't wanna

be called "four eyes. "



Then something happened

which cured me forever.



What was that?



One night I said hello to three

different men I owed money to.



- But it's different with girls.

- How is it?



You know what they say

about girls who wear glasses.



What are you talking about?



"Men don't attend to girls

who wear glasses. "



Did you ever try it?



- You brought them with you?

- Yes.



Why don't you put them on

and find out?



- With you?

- Why not?






If you're worried about me, I already

think you're quite a strudel.






I've thought so from

the first minute I saw you.



Well, if you really think so.



Go ahead, put them on.



You're crazy.



- You look better with them.

- I do?



Gives your face a certain mystery.



- No kidding?

- And a certain kind of distinction.



What do you know about that?



You're very pretty,

if you don't mind me saying.



Not at all.



Glasses of that type give your face

a very interesting difference.



I don't look like an old maid?



I've never seen anybody in my life

that reminded me less of an old maid.



What's your name?



What happened was, I sent

this check to this tax expert.



Instead of paying the tax,

he took the money.



- Didn't you tell the government?

- I did.



They were sympathetic,

but still wanted the dough.



- After you told them he was a crook?

- To them, the only crook was me.



I had to have proof.

I had to get this check.



How do you like that?



I found out he'd gone to Kansas City.

He'll pay, or I'll break his neck.



- Is that where he is?

- So I understand.



- Why are you going to Atlantic City?

- Who's going to Atlantic City?



- Doesn't this plane go there?

- What are you talking about?



- This is a Midland Sky Chief.

- Are you kidding?



Of course not. We should be

in Kansas City in    minutes. Why?



Nothing. Just one of those things.



Go on, tell me some more.

Tell me anything.



- Does your family live with you?

- They couldn't do that.



- So they have a place of their own.

- Sure, at Dexter Mills.



I saw a picture in Harper's Bazaar

of a mountain shack. It was creamy.



- Well, here we are.

- Here we are where?



- The shack. This is it.

- What do you mean? This is a shack.



Of course.

It's very comfortable inside.



Just a minute.

Is this really on the level?



- Is what on the level?

- Is this really your home?



It is when I'm on duty.

What did you expect?



Well, certainly not this.



It's a forestry lookout station.

They're all pretty much alike.



If you're so rich,

why couldn't you build a bigger one?



Rich? Who's rich?



Aren't you?



That's a good one. Where on earth

did you get that idea?



- You said all these trees were yours.

- Mine to watch. That's my job.



But I don't even own a bush.



But I thought...

Oh, darling, this is the worst.



What's the matter?

I don't get it.



I'm so crazy about you.



That's wonderful.

I'm crazy about you too.



But I...



Oh, honey.



I see. You're not interested

in a man without trees.



That's not it at all.

I'm crazy about you, but I...



- Let's not talk about it. Do you mind?

- If only you'd told me.



I told you the first day

we went skiing that I was a ranger.



- Is that what you meant?

- What else could I have meant?



I'm sorry. I just thought you meant

you came from Texas.



- What's wrong with your dad?

- Another Republican rally.



- He should join the Democrats.

- Not in Maine, too lonely.



- Can we rent a car in Portland?

- Suppose so.



You mean we're driving to New York?



It's expensive, but it's the safest

way not to be seen by anybody.



When you got the measles, I thought

I'd never get out of this jam.



- Know what I did?

- What?



I called a few friends

in Chicago and St. Louis.



They sent telegrams to my wife,

signed with my name.



All about this unexpected

business trip. Worked like a charm.



That sounds very intelligent.



If I hadn't had

that stroke of brilliance...



...there could have been serious

results in my home. And business.



- How you gonna show you're grateful?

- What?



You ought to do something for

the injured party, don't you think?



For instance?



You should pop into Cartier's and get

your wife a bauble for her wrist.



- How about some flowers?

- Is that all the grateful you are?



If I gave her jewelry

not on her birthday...



...she'd have    private detectives

on me in minutes.



- I'd be ashamed to admit it.

- I'll send her a nice box of roses.



- She'll love that.

- She's not used to expensive gifts.



Anything more than flowers

would upset her.



How about something nice

for your daughter?



- What?

- Inherit her again.



That's out of the question.



- It won't cost until you're dead.

- I'd rather not discuss it.



What's wrong? Everybody loves

their children, even monkeys.



- It's a law of Mother Nature.

- She never dealt with a gigolo.



- And what were you trying to be?

- The difference should be obvious.



- Even to you.

- Would you kindly specify how?



I don't care to debate

the question with you.



Once you get one foot on the ground,

you're quite a jerk.



Where are we now?



- The George Washington Bridge.

- What are we doing over there?



I could be recognized. This side

of the river, no one knows me.



Another example of the use

of intelligence in this situation.



If you've got good old American

know-how, you don't need anything else.



The truth is, when the chips are down,

man is the master of his own fate.



The captain of his destiny.



- What is it?

- Motorcycle cops.



Are you sure you're not on the lam?



- It's all right, keep moving.

- Sorry if I'm going too fast.



You're all right. Just follow me.



- Can I ask...?

- It's George Washington Bridge week.



The city congratulates

the happy couple...



...driving the    millionth

car across our edifice.



- Hold it!

- Another smile, lady.



I'm sorry I can't give you

any more, Mrs. Page.



You know what the market is

these days.



Thank you again, Mrs. Page.






- Hello?

TOM: Miss Page?



Oh, it's you again.



You good for seconds?

Let's order now.



- Two more, Mac, well done.

- Slap some chili on it.



- Know the trouble with you?

- Which one?



You're a hamburger dame

and won't admit it.



Wonder how long it took

to work that out.



- I know you better than you do.

- Ketchup?



- Coleslaw?

- If I can get it on here.



You're not the girl

you pretend to be.



That's quite a line

you've got there.



- Pickles?

- Thanks.



It's all an act. You know

that money isn't everything.



- Who told you it wasn't?

- Nobody had to.



Did you ever have any?



- A little, yes.

- How do you know it isn't everything?



Do you believe that money

will bring happiness?



- No, but it doesn't depress me.

- I don't believe you.



I'm in a jam, understand?

I'm in a bad financial situation.



If the girls don't come back,

I'm on the hook for a year's rent.



So should I fall in love with a guy

who doesn't own a tie?



- Haven't they written?

- They're illiterate.



- But listen...

- It's no use.



As soon as I finish this,

I never want to see you again.






- Hello?

TOM: Want to see Miss Liberty today?






I had it once with someone like you,

and that's all I want of that.



Okay. Take a look out there

and give me a rest for a moment.



The truth is, if you're not loaded,

you already got two strikes on you.



I said okay.

What else do you want me to say?



As soon as we get off,

I never want to see you again.






- Yes?

TOM: Tonight?






I mean it. As soon as we get home,

I never want to see...



- Sorry we can't give more.

- I already laughed at that.



Thanks again.



May I come in?



- May I change my mind?

- Is this on the level?



- From the bottom of my heart.

- Then hold it for just one second.



Fred? This is Mrs. Page.



Tell that furniture man to bring

that stuff right back up here.



Don't even move!









- Something wrong, Mrs. Page?

- I just feel sort of lonely.



- Your friends?

- Yeah.



I wanted those two dingbats

to stand up with me.



- They may come yet.

- I'll throw them out.



I wanted them yesterday.

No time to laugh at them now.



- For crying out loud, a party!

- Wait a minute.



- There's Loco!

- Well, hi!



- What is it?

- Schatze's wedding.



- Who to?

- Dallas, Texas.






- My name's Ding Dong.

- How do you do?



- Did you have much trouble?

- Trouble? He's insane about me.



- No kidding?

- Out of his mind.



- Know what he's worth?

- What?



-    mil.

- He's not!



Give or take a mil.



- Isn't that wonderful!

- And he's a perfect doll.



- What a break!

- It's a dream marriage.



Where have you been

all this time?



- I went back to Maine.

- What do you mean, "went back"?



To tell you the truth,

I got married up there.



- Not to that Shriner?

- He was already married.



That's what I thought.

Who'd you marry?



Well, he's not anybody in particular.



Just a fellow I met up there.

But I'm absolutely crazy about him.



How do you like that?

Both of us at the same time.



- What does he do?

- He's a ranger.



Cattle, you mean?



- No, he's a forest ranger.

- That's not bad.



Those trees can be worth

something. How did you meet?



I don't mean he owns them,

he just watches them.



You mean, just looks at them?



He's got a house on the mountain.

He watches for fires.



So the trees don't burn.



- How can he make any dough from that?

- He doesn't, much.



- You mean he's a kind of fireman?

- That's it.



Thank you.



- Mr. Hanley?

- Judge.



- You have the license?

- Yes, right here.



- Wouldn't you like to meet him?

- Sure. Is he here?



I'll get him.



- Hi, Schatze!

- Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!



Congratulations! We read about it

on the plane. Just creamy!



- Know how much he's got?

- How much?



-    mil. Give or take a mil.

- Brother!



- Have you been shopping?

- When they open the doors, I fall in.



- What a break!

- Where have you been?



- Kansas City.

- For what?



- Freddie and I got married there.

- You married that crowbar?



- Why, yes...

- You need a governess.



I pegged that guy as a phony.



- Not Stewart. I married Freddie.

- Freddie? Who he?



It's a little mixed up.

I got on a plane to Kansas City...



- What about Atlantic City?

- The plane stopped in Kansas City.



I don't want to hear any more.

Tell me one thing.



Is he holding or not?



- Well, yes and no.

- Not you too.



He'd be holding if he could get it.



- Say that again.

- He's on the lam.



A thief?



Not a thief. As a matter of fact,

he owns this apartment.



- He gave a tax check...

- Then why's he on the lam?



He went to break the guy's neck,

but his glasses fell off.



- Whose glasses?

- Freddie's.



- So the guy nearly broke his neck.

- You mean he's blind too?



Blinder than me.



- Here he is. This is Schatze.

- Congratulations.



- Thank you. And you too. She's okay.

- I think so.



- And this is Pola.

- Glad to meet you.



H- Holy Toledo!

- Isn't he cute?



Just a minute.



Two more pounds, and she could

be arrested for bigamy.



Mr. Hanley would like to know

if there's a maid of honor.



- If he can find one.

- Can I be it?



Matron is all you can hope for.



- Shall I tell him?

- Take it.



Come on, before Pola gets it.



- Bye, now.

- Bye.



It's just Schatze, come on.



- Here he is.

- Hi, Mrs. Page.



- Is that going to be permanent?

- No, he takes it off at night.



I'll get even with him.

I just have to lay low for a while.



We're going underground

after the ceremony.



- You don't mind?

- Love it.



Well, congratulations to you too.



We'd better get started.

Some of the kids are foaming over.



Okay. Tell him to blow the whistle.



- You're still sure?

- Of course.






Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...






- What's the matter, dear?

- My ankle. Can you take me back?



Yes, of course.






You're too nice to marry someone

who doesn't love you all out.



- Was that what it was?

- What else?



I can think of many reasons

why you shouldn't have considered me.



- Have I hurt you very bad?

- You have.



- But I'll recover.

- You sound like you already have.



No, that's just one of the

few advantages of age.



Disappointments become

a normal part of life.



But what should I tell the guests?



That Mrs. Page has blown her stack

at last. No one will argue.



You won't talk to Loc and Pola first?



- Those bubbleheads.

- Why do you say that?



Did you see what they turned up with?



- I saw Loc's forest ranger.

- A fireman for trees.



- He seemed nice.

- Did you see what Pola brought?



- No.

- A fugitive. And a blind one at that.



Young man?



As far as I could tell,

behind that Halloween getup.



- Well, they love them, don't they?

- Drooling, all four.



- And who is your young man?

- What young man?



- The one you're in love with.

- Who said I was in love?



I did.






It's a sin and a shame,

but I've got to admit it, I am.



- Who is he?

- What does that matter?



It's not unnatural that

I have some curiosity.



He's absolutely nothing.



A character straight

from Characterville.



- Is that his name?

- Brookman.



- Brookman what?

- Tom Brookman.



- You say he's non-holding?

- One more hamburger would break him.



- What does he do?

- He won't say, but I already know.



- What?

- He's a gas pump jockey.



How do you know?



How do I know how I know?

I can just spot those guys every time.



- I married one once, remember?

- Does he really love you?



- If you hear him tell it, he does.

- What's to stop you marrying him?



Nothing, now. But it's scarcely

what you call progress.



- He's here now, you know.

- Where?



- Out there.

- How do you know?



There's a man out there who

looks like a gas pump jockey.



- Has he got on a tie?

- No tie.



And at a formal ceremony!

You see what I mean?



De gustibus non est disputandum.



You can say that again.



I said I never wanted

to see him again.



Who does he think he is,

crashing my wedding?






- Suppose I ask him.

- Just a minute, J.D.



- How are you, Tom?

- Okay, I guess. Congratulations.



- Congratulations to you.

- Don't be funny.



- Still the character?

- All she talks about is dough.



If that's all she wants, you can

have her. I don't want her.



That's the way she talks,

but not the way she feels.



- I'll bet. What happened there?

- There was a delayed decision.



- In your favor.

- Are you kidding?



Not in the least.



- You told her about me?

- Of course not.



So far as she knows,

you hustle a gas pump.



I don't believe it.



- Let's go ask her.

- Wait a minute.



Wait, J.D. Should I tell her now?



Are you crazy? She likes gas pump

jockeys better than millionaires.



What do you want to do?

Disillusion the girl?



Mr. Brookman, darling.



- A formal wedding, and no tie!

- Listen, will you...?



Everybody's in striped pants and you...



- Listen, Schatze!

- I never want to see you...



TOM: How about a cheese dog burger

this time?



That's a good idea.



- Two with chili.

- Me too!



After the ceremony, they went

to a greasy spoon...



...where delicious

dog burgers were served.



- What happened to the zillionaires?

- What always happens?



I've got no need to worry.

What are you worth in round figures?



About $   .   give or take a nickel.



- And in cash too!

- How about you, killer?



- If I can get my hands on it...

- Yeah, you'll fix it good.



Wait. I want to hear from

Mr. Fill-Her-Up. What's your fortune?



About     million, I'd imagine.



Not enough!



- Might that all be in cash?

- I could dig up a couple million.



What might the rest be in?



Some oil.



Some airline stock. A little steel,

some cattle down in Texas.



Coal mines in Alabama, a little

real estate. Automobile stock.



The Brookman Building.

And Brookman, Pennsylvania.



A whole city! I'd love to have

a city named after me!



- Give me the check, Mac.

- Schatze, Idaho.



Yes, and Pola, Illinois, and Loc...



Keep the change, Mac.









To our wives.

Special help by SergeiK