Hudson Hawk Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Hudson Hawk script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Bruce Willis.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Hudson Hawk. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Hudson Hawk Script



Long ago, the Duke of Milan

commissioned a little-known artist...



to erect a mammoth statue

of a horse.



The time was     .



The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.



The guy on the donkey

is just a guy on a donkey.



Anyway, they called this statue

the "Sforza"...



and it was going to be

the largest bronze statue ever built.



But wouldn't you know it?



War broke out,

and bronze became scarce...



so da Vinci decided

to create a machine...



to change common lead

into bronze.



But when da Vinci finally turned

this machine on...



it was to give him something

more than he expected.



Something much more than bronze.






- Gold?

- Gold.



Exactly     years later...



an artiste of a different field...



the one of cat burglary...



was getting out of Sing Sing.



He was known as the Hudson Hawk.



Got a coat, hat.



Got a coat, hat.



Here's your personal items.



Here's your wallet.



You'll find everything in there.

Want your receipt?



Keep it. Ready?



I got it, Charlie.



Eddie! Eddie!



So the Hudson Hawk is getting out!



Remember all the reporters here

when you came in?



"World's Greatest Cat Burglar."

Now who gives a fuck?



- Got a proposition.

- Answer's no, Gates, even if you bathe.



As your parole officer,

I found you a job.



- No way.

- It's a terrific job.



An auction house.

One night's work, and you're free.



No checking in with a shrink,

no community service.



But I want to do community service,

to teach a handicapped to yodel.



I ain't stealing no more, Gates.



Ten years later, you're still

impressed with yourself.



Same old coat, same old hat.

You're extinct, Hawk.



From you that's a powerful statement.



Aren't you supposed

to stop me committing crimes?



"Book 'em, Danno,"

"Give a hoot, don't pollute"?



You ain't out yet.



I can set you up and send you back

anytime I want.



It's a very fine line

between ex- con and escaped con.



Gates, do it yourself.



Hey, he's got my key!

I'll be seeing you, Hawk.



Open the gate.



- See you around, Mike.

- Take it easy, Eddie.



That's the first thing I did,

smooch the ground and taste the freedom.



Sorry I'm late.

I miss anything?



As always, your timing is impeccable.



- Where's the kiss?

- Get away from me.



No tongue. I promise.



- Whoa!

- What?



- You've been expanding your...

- Don't say it!



I'm sensitive about my figure.



My next word

was gonna be consciousness...






You're free, you son of a bitch!



What do you want to do? Statue

of Liberty? Entertain some ladies?



Broadway tix? Seduce women?



Play Nintendo?

Bone some chicks?



What's Nintendo?



Get me to the Five Tone. I'll strangle

somebody if I don't get a cappuccino.



You still got a thing for

those unmasculine European coffees?



- What can I say?

- Who's your buddy?



The man knows! The man knows!



Mr. Coffee, have any trouble

checking out?



Not much. Gates tried to blackmail me

into doing a job.



That doughnut-hole-ece, local bar

that none of the locals can afford.



I read about these people in Newsweek.



- Where's the regulars? Crazy Jack Cava?

- Gone.



- Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph?

- Gone.



Tommy, you took down

Captain Bob's steering wheel?



They're all gone.



But look at the bright side.

Half this joint is yours.



Blackjack, give my irritable partner

a cappuccino.



I gotta go be a boss.



Reindeer goat cheese pizza?



Thank you, Jesus.



Cute shot.



Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.

I didn't know the circus was in town.



So, why won't you do

the auction house?



Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.



I don't like to commit a crime

the day I get out of the joint.



It's very simple.



There's a safe on the seventh floor.

You put their thing in this thing.



Directions even your brother

could understand.



Yeah, directions

even I could understand.



Shut up.



You're the best.



You're the only one who can do this.

You know that.



Don't tell me you want to open a store,

go straight and sell spatulas.



If the Mario brothers weren't New

Jersey's third-largest crime family...



I'd say "Kiss my ass."



But considering your status,

I will say "Slurp my butt."



- Sit.

- Sit.



Have you lovely ladies tried

our house wine? I think you'll enjoy.



Beat it, Tommy.

No dinosaurs allowed.






You don't do that auction house job,

I'll put you on trial.



And I promise you, my friend,

there will be no bail. Understand?



Get him outta here.






Three minutes,    seconds.



- "Night and Day"?

- Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?



- Sinatra!

- Five minutes,    seconds.



"Hit the Road, Jack"?



- Where are my needle-nose pliers?

- Check the bar.



- "Hit the Road, Jack"?

- Five minutes,    seconds.



How could you take this down?

Captain Bob's steering wheel.



Remember that night he came in?

Nobody could figure where he got this.



- Yes?

- Quiet.



Come here.



We got a nasty safe

on the seventh floor.



- Simpson?

- Yeah.



- What's the mechanism?

- Seventy-one.



Last time Simpson only made a   .



It's gonna take you

another    seconds.



- I'm not worried about the safe.

- I know.



We know any of the guards? Not one?



- Not one.

- What about video surveillance?



- I have a plan.

- You got a plan.



I have a great plan. Great!



What the hell am I doing?



Huh? I'm getting ready to do some crime,

rob some farchadat horse with you?



I should be looking in the want ads

for a job selling spatulas.



We're moving too fast.

I'm putting out a fire with kerosene.



- What is that?

- That's five seconds. My record's   .



Is this funny? You think this is

some kind of fucking joke?



- How many seconds?

- How many what seconds?



On the thumbcuffs.



Not counting the bitching and whining,

I'll be nice and say eight.



They're not going to let you

walk away from this job.



I ain't never gonna get

rehabilitated this way.



- You still got it?

- Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.



- "Mack the Knife"?

- Four minutes,    seconds.



"I Only Have Eyes for You"?



I didn't know you cared.

Three minutes,    seconds.



- "Xanadu"?

- "Xanadu"?



Four minutes,    seconds.



"Star-Spangled Banner"?

Whitney Houston, Super Bowl   .



Hi. How you doing?



- Seven minutes,    seconds.

- You're full of shit!



Let me ask you something. How come

I'm not out trying to get laid tonight?



You're bumming my high. It's show time!



Tommy, hold on.

Hold on a minute.



The sign says "No horseplay

in the pool area."



This isn't horseplay.

This is a major felony.



Come on, Grandpa.



Tommy, can you give me one good reason

why we're up here?



I'll give you two.

Antony and Cesar Mario.



- You don't really think they'd...

- Cut off our balls if we don't do this.



I see.



- You have dinner tonight?

- Why?



'Cause this rope only holds     pounds!



Stop fooling around!



- I'm not fooling around!

- You are!



Pick me up, pick me up.



All right!



I wish you'd lay off the pasta.



Whoa! What are you doing?

What are you doing?



Covering our tracks.

We leave through the basement.



Now we have no choice, do we?






Better make the hole bigger.



Don't worry, bonehead.

I'm wearing my girdle.



Six hundred seventy-three Wongs

in the phone book.



Hell of a lot of Wong numbers.



Look up Chin.



- That's it.

- You got a key?



Just checking.



They record everything

the video surveillance takes in.



Yes, I can see that, master thief.

You said something about a plan.



Am I boring you, smart-ass?



Jerry, check out Big Stan.



Watch this.



Big Stan!



Watch. A little rewind and replay

and the guards will be watching a rerun.



They're going to miss out

on tonight's exciting episode.



You figure this out all by yourself?

Good plan, Junior.



We got about five minutes

and change.



 :  . "Swinging on a Star.''



They invented something while

you were inside. It's called a watch.



- Tommy.

- What?



One. Two.



One. Two. Three.



Would you like to swing on a star



Carry moonbeams home in a jar



And be better off than you are



Or would you rather be a mule



A mule is an animal

with long, funny ears



He kicks up at anything he hears



His back is brawny

and his brain is weak



He's just plain stupid

with a stubborn streak



And by the way

if you hate to go to school



You may grow up to be a mule



Or would you like

to swing on a star



Carry moonbeams home in a jar



They're back on.



And be better off than you are



Or would you rather be a fish



A fish is an animal

that swims in a brook



He can't write his name

or read a book



To fool the people

is his only thought



And though he's slippery

he still gets caught



If that sort of life

is what you wish



You may grow up to be a fish



Or would you like

to swing on a star



Carry moonbeams home in a jar



And be better off than you are



Or would you rather be a pig



A pig is an animal

with dirt on its face



His shoes are a terrible disgrace



He's got no manners

when he eats his food



He's fat and lazy

and extremely rude



But if you don't care

a feather or a fig



You may grow up to be a pig



And all the monkeys

aren't in the zoo



Every day you see quite a few



So you see

it's all up to you



You could be better than you are



- You could be swinging on a star

- Got the horse?



- Just out of jail and I'm robbing.

- Let's go.



Dean, I don't get it.



I see the blue chair

in the auction room.



I didn't want to do it.

All I wanted was a cappuccino.



Snap out of it!



You think that's strange,

check out screen two.



That's us!



Somebody rewired the recorders!



- I hold you responsible.

- Let's take it home!



You could be swinging on a star



- Let's go out the back way.

- Keep those ideas coming.



Get up.

You're embarrassing me.



- Would you get going?

- Come on, go!



- Go, go!

- Easy with that!



Come on!



I'm happy we covered our tracks!



Can I ask a question?

I'm not as fat as that guard, am I?



No, you're a slender reed

compared to that guard.



Come on, Slim Jim.



Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honor.



Good job.

Not pretty, but good.



All this trouble for a horsey.



I may not know art,

but I know what I like.



You do.



When's this Buckingham Palace-looking

butlerhead-motherfucker getting here?



Any minute now, Mr. Gates.



Oh, sorry, Jeeves.



May I?






Leonardo da Vinci's last commission

for the Duke of Milan.






Mr. French, I'm...






You son of a bitch!



I stuck my neck out setting this up

for you limey bastards!



Where's my cut?



So much for his cut.



Forgive my dry British humor.



I think Gates

promised Hawk a cut, too.



Lovely work, Alfred.

Taking the Concorde back?



Always, Mr. Mario.



I'm racking up

those frequent flyer points.



Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.



Yo, Five Tone.



Did I miss anything?



Gates tries to blackmail me,

you ask, "Did I miss anything?''



Gates gets killed, you say,

"Did I miss anything?''



I bet you went to Mrs. Lincoln

at the theater and said...



"How was the show?

Did I miss anything?"



Might get this looked at.



Gates was killed?

Who do we send the thank-you note?



The butler did it. The guy was a cross

between Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart.



Took Mr. Ed, humpty-dumptied it

over Gate's head...



and said it was made

by Leonardo...



Da Vinci's "Sforza."



I consider it the prize of tonight's

auction of objets d'equestrian.



Horse things.



All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.



Morning edition.

It says here...



two thieves attempted to steal it.



But thanks to three brave guards,

it will be ready for tonight.



Attempted? I didn't want to steal it

in the first place, but I have my pride.



- I don't understand this.

- Why try? Forget about it.



I'm tired of not understanding things.

Cops! Mafia!



Butlers forcing me to steal something

it appears I didn't steal.



It's too goddamn peculiar.



Let me ask you.

How much does a new tuxedo cost?



A fantastic example

of Florentine bronze.



A fantastic example

of Florentine bronze.



Now who will start at       ?









  .   .      .












You could be swinging on a star









After all these years, I still get

goose bumps coming to auctions.



The paintings, the sculptures.



Things that aren't really paintings

or sculptures.



Vultures never look up from their

calculators to see what they're buying.



That gives me goose bumps.



- Auctions are disgusting.

- I couldn't agree more.






Now lot   .



An equestrian piece

attributed to the Cellini school.



Who will start       ?






And finally lot number   ...



thought to be lost in the war...



and again last night.



The da Vinci "Sforza,"

the jewel of the sale.






Is looking like a constipated warthog

a job prerequisite in the art world?



We have Doctoressa Anna Baragli

of the Vatican here to verify it. Doc?



Some of us warthogs

are more constipated than others.






The Vatican extends its jealously

to the lucky bidder.



Thank you.



We'll begin the bidding...



at $   million.






    million clams!



That's $    million...



to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.



One hundred million and one...









$    million and one.



Outbid by mine own wench.

Quelle bummere.



Don't hate me, baby.






Any other bids?



Going once.



Going twice.






My God, that was bold of you.

You didn't have to do that.



It's nothing.

Anybody would've done the same.



I mean, you didn't have to tackle me.



I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me.

Why was that guard chasing you?



Because danger is my middle...



You couldn't just play along,

could you?



Classy way of covering our tracks, eh?



That auctioneer ought to be landing

at LaGuardia any minute now.



Hey, subtlety's not one

of our strong points.






This is a brand-new tuxedo!



Mister, are you going to die?



Happy sailing!



How am I driving?

 -    I'm going to fucking die!



Toll booth?



Exact change?



- Make a road kill!

- Fuck you, Cesar!



Run him down!



Cesar! Antony!



Are you okay?



What's the matter with you?



Name's Snickers.

Plane leaves in   .



Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.



It's better than when

we first started.



Our code names were diseases. Know what

it's like being called chlamydia?






- My names Butterfinger.

- No shit.



Like the Company's new look?



I call them the MTVIA.



George, you promised.

No old C.I.A., new C.I.A. Jokes.






They think the Bay of Pigs

is an herbal tea...



and the cold war has something

to do with penguins.



Don't I know you?



The last time you saw me I was bald,

with a beard and no moustache....



and I had a different nose.



So if you don't recognize me,

I won't be offended.



My high school science teacher?



I tricked you into robbing

the government installation...



then had you sent to prison for it.



George Kaplan.



I don't hold grudges.



Aah! I used you as a diversion.



I guess down deep I was jealous.



You were one hell of a thiet.



To what do I owe this honor

of this reunion?



I want to make it up to you.

That's why I got you this gig.



To quote the late Karen Carpenter,

"We have only just begun.''



Three minutes, four seconds.



But you're a little late.



Maybe nobody told you.

I quit stealing.



- My employer wants a meeting.

- Your employer?



- The president?

- No. Somebody powerful.



Good god, what's that?



You don't expect me to fall

for that old gag.



Shucks. I guess not.



- Now?

- Yes, now.



No way.



Welcome to Rome, sir.



So, Hawk. The Hawkster.

What do you think of the vehicle?



So, Hawk. The Hawkster.

What do you think of the vehicle?



Why did you duck at the auction?



What can I tell you?

I'm the villain.



Initially, it was a priority

to keep buffers between you and me.



Since most are dead now,

I thought, "What the heck?"



Hawky, you come highly recommended.



I hired Kaplan and the Marios

to find me a cat burglar.



Hey, I want to be

in business with you.



I've got the power



Ladies and gentlemen of the board

and Minerva.



Let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.






Bunny, ball-ball.






We've got you clothes, a great hotel

and a        lire per diem.



That's $    a day so he can get

a hooker and tequila? Veto, Darwin.



We see who wears the penis

in this family.



For God's sakes,

somebody chain this convict.



Listen, this might be hard to believe,

but I'm just a regular Joe.



I just want to be happy.



And happiness comes

from the achieving of goals.



It's just that when you've made

your first billion by the age of   ...



it's hard to come up with new ones.



But now, finally,

I got myself a new goal.



World domination!



Shut up!



Bunny, quit that.






- Bunny's got today's ball-balls.

- Bad Bunny.



Bunny, you weren't that bad!



Just two more minutes.

I was so close.



Seriously, Concorde me home, jail me.

I don't care.



You go back to jail,

and you won't be alone.



You'll have a guinea barkeep cell mate

to keep you company.



You're young enough to enjoy shanking

child molesters for a pack of smokes.



But Tommy Five- Tone...



will go in knowing

the next time he gets out...



will be to attend his own funeral.






Wouldn't waste a dime for th
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