Voila! Finally, the Hudson Hawk
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Bruce
Willis. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Hudson Hawk. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Long ago, the Duke of Milancommissioned a little-known artist...to erect a mammoth statueof a horse.The time was .The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.The guy on the donkeyis just a guy on a donkey.Anyway, they called this statuethe "Sforza"...
and it was going to bethe largest bronze statue ever built.But wouldn't you know it?War broke out,and bronze became scarce...so da Vinci decidedto create a machine...to change common leadinto bronze.But when da Vinci finally turnedthis machine on...it was to give him somethingmore than he expected.Something much more than bronze.
Leonardo!
- Gold?
- Gold.
Exactly years later...an artiste of a different field...the one of cat burglary...was getting out of Sing Sing.He was known as the Hudson Hawk.
Got a coat, hat.
Got a coat, hat.
Here's your personal items.
Here's your wallet.
You'll find everything in there.
Want your receipt?
Keep it. Ready?
I got it, Charlie.
Eddie! Eddie!
So the Hudson Hawk is getting out!
Remember all the reporters here
when you came in?
"World's Greatest Cat Burglar."
Now who gives a fuck?
- Got a proposition.
- Answer's no, Gates, even if you bathe.
As your parole officer,
I found you a job.
- No way.
- It's a terrific job.
An auction house.
One night's work, and you're free.
No checking in with a shrink,
no community service.
But I want to do community service,
to teach a handicapped to yodel.
I ain't stealing no more, Gates.
Ten years later, you're still
impressed with yourself.
Same old coat, same old hat.
You're extinct, Hawk.
From you that's a powerful statement.
Aren't you supposed
to stop me committing crimes?
"Book 'em, Danno,"
"Give a hoot, don't pollute"?
You ain't out yet.
I can set you up and send you back
anytime I want.
It's a very fine line
between ex- con and escaped con.
Gates, do it yourself.
Hey, he's got my key!
I'll be seeing you, Hawk.
Open the gate.
- See you around, Mike.
- Take it easy, Eddie.
That's the first thing I did,
smooch the ground and taste the freedom.
Sorry I'm late.
I miss anything?
As always, your timing is impeccable.
- Where's the kiss?
- Get away from me.
No tongue. I promise.
- Whoa!
- What?
- You've been expanding your...
- Don't say it!
I'm sensitive about my figure.
My next word
was gonna be consciousness...
Tubbo.
You're free, you son of a bitch!
What do you want to do? Statue
of Liberty? Entertain some ladies?
Broadway tix? Seduce women?
Play Nintendo?
Bone some chicks?
What's Nintendo?
Get me to the Five Tone. I'll strangle
somebody if I don't get a cappuccino.
You still got a thing for
those unmasculine European coffees?
- What can I say?
- Who's your buddy?
The man knows! The man knows!
Mr. Coffee, have any trouble
checking out?
Not much. Gates tried to blackmail me
into doing a job.
That doughnut-hole-ece, local bar
that none of the locals can afford.
I read about these people in Newsweek.
- Where's the regulars? Crazy Jack Cava?
- Gone.
- Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph?
- Gone.
Tommy, you took down
Captain Bob's steering wheel?
They're all gone.
But look at the bright side.
Half this joint is yours.
Blackjack, give my irritable partner
a cappuccino.
I gotta go be a boss.
Reindeer goat cheese pizza?
Thank you, Jesus.
Cute shot.
Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.
I didn't know the circus was in town.
So, why won't you do
the auction house?
Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.
I don't like to commit a crime
the day I get out of the joint.
It's very simple.
There's a safe on the seventh floor.
You put their thing in this thing.
Directions even your brother
could understand.
Yeah, directions
even I could understand.
Shut up.
You're the best.
You're the only one who can do this.
You know that.
Don't tell me you want to open a store,
go straight and sell spatulas.
If the Mario brothers weren't New
Jersey's third-largest crime family...
I'd say "Kiss my ass."
But considering your status,
I will say "Slurp my butt."
- Sit.
- Sit.
Have you lovely ladies tried
our house wine? I think you'll enjoy.
Beat it, Tommy.
No dinosaurs allowed.
Enough!
You don't do that auction house job,
I'll put you on trial.
And I promise you, my friend,
there will be no bail. Understand?
Get him outta here.
"Witchcraft"?
Three minutes, seconds.
- "Night and Day"?
- Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?
- Sinatra!
- Five minutes, seconds.
"Hit the Road, Jack"?
- Where are my needle-nose pliers?
- Check the bar.
- "Hit the Road, Jack"?
- Five minutes, seconds.
How could you take this down?
Captain Bob's steering wheel.
Remember that night he came in?
Nobody could figure where he got this.
- Yes?
- Quiet.
Come here.
We got a nasty safe
on the seventh floor.
- Simpson?
- Yeah.
- What's the mechanism?
- Seventy-one.
Last time Simpson only made a .
It's gonna take you
another seconds.
- I'm not worried about the safe.
- I know.
We know any of the guards? Not one?
- Not one.
- What about video surveillance?
- I have a plan.
- You got a plan.
I have a great plan. Great!
What the hell am I doing?
Huh? I'm getting ready to do some crime,
rob some farchadat horse with you?
I should be looking in the want ads
for a job selling spatulas.
We're moving too fast.
I'm putting out a fire with kerosene.
- What is that?
- That's five seconds. My record's .
Is this funny? You think this is
some kind of fucking joke?
- How many seconds?
- How many what seconds?
On the thumbcuffs.
Not counting the bitching and whining,
I'll be nice and say eight.
They're not going to let you
walk away from this job.
I ain't never gonna get
rehabilitated this way.
- You still got it?
- Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
- "Mack the Knife"?
- Four minutes, seconds.
"I Only Have Eyes for You"?
I didn't know you cared.
Three minutes, seconds.
- "Xanadu"?
- "Xanadu"?
Four minutes, seconds.
"Star-Spangled Banner"?
Whitney Houston, Super Bowl .
Hi. How you doing?
- Seven minutes, seconds.
- You're full of shit!
Let me ask you something. How come
I'm not out trying to get laid tonight?
You're bumming my high. It's show time!
Tommy, hold on.
Hold on a minute.
The sign says "No horseplay
in the pool area."
This isn't horseplay.
This is a major felony.
Come on, Grandpa.
Tommy, can you give me one good reason
why we're up here?
I'll give you two.
Antony and Cesar Mario.
- You don't really think they'd...
- Cut off our balls if we don't do this.
I see.
- You have dinner tonight?
- Why?
'Cause this rope only holds pounds!
Stop fooling around!
- I'm not fooling around!
- You are!
Pick me up, pick me up.
All right!
I wish you'd lay off the pasta.
Whoa! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Covering our tracks.
We leave through the basement.
Now we have no choice, do we?
What?
Better make the hole bigger.
Don't worry, bonehead.
I'm wearing my girdle.
Six hundred seventy-three Wongs
in the phone book.
Hell of a lot of Wong numbers.
Look up Chin.
- That's it.
- You got a key?
Just checking.
They record everything
the video surveillance takes in.
Yes, I can see that, master thief.
You said something about a plan.
Am I boring you, smart-ass?
Jerry, check out Big Stan.
Watch this.
Big Stan!
Watch. A little rewind and replay
and the guards will be watching a rerun.
They're going to miss out
on tonight's exciting episode.
You figure this out all by yourself?
Good plan, Junior.
We got about five minutes
and change.
: . "Swinging on a Star.''
They invented something while
you were inside. It's called a watch.
- Tommy.
- What?
One. Two.
One. Two. Three.
Would you like to swing on a starCarry moonbeams home in a jarAnd be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a muleA mule is an animalwith long, funny earsHe kicks up at anything he hearsHis back is brawnyand his brain is weakHe's just plain stupidwith a stubborn streakAnd by the wayif you hate to go to schoolYou may grow up to be a mule
Or would you liketo swing on a starCarry moonbeams home in a jar
They're back on.
And be better off than you areOr would you rather be a fishA fish is an animalthat swims in a brookHe can't write his nameor read a bookTo fool the peopleis his only thoughtAnd though he's slipperyhe still gets caughtIf that sort of lifeis what you wishYou may grow up to be a fishOr would you liketo swing on a starCarry moonbeams home in a jarAnd be better off than you areOr would you rather be a pigA pig is an animalwith dirt on its faceHis shoes are a terrible disgraceHe's got no mannerswhen he eats his foodHe's fat and lazyand extremely rudeBut if you don't carea feather or a figYou may grow up to be a pigAnd all the monkeysaren't in the zooEvery day you see quite a fewSo you seeit's all up to youYou could be better than you are
- You could be swinging on a star
- Got the horse?
- Just out of jail and I'm robbing.
- Let's go.
Dean, I don't get it.
I see the blue chair
in the auction room.
I didn't want to do it.
All I wanted was a cappuccino.
Snap out of it!
You think that's strange,
check out screen two.
That's us!
Somebody rewired the recorders!
- I hold you responsible.
- Let's take it home!
You could be swinging on a star
- Let's go out the back way.
- Keep those ideas coming.
Get up.
You're embarrassing me.
- Would you get going?
- Come on, go!
- Go, go!
- Easy with that!
Come on!
I'm happy we covered our tracks!
Can I ask a question?
I'm not as fat as that guard, am I?
No, you're a slender reed
compared to that guard.
Come on, Slim Jim.
Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honor.
Good job.
Not pretty, but good.
All this trouble for a horsey.
I may not know art,
but I know what I like.
You do.
When's this Buckingham Palace-looking
butlerhead-motherfucker getting here?
Any minute now, Mr. Gates.
Oh, sorry, Jeeves.
May I?
Exquisite.
Leonardo da Vinci's last commission
for the Duke of Milan.
Irreplaceable.
Mr. French, I'm...
What?
You son of a bitch!
I stuck my neck out setting this up
for you limey bastards!
Where's my cut?
So much for his cut.
Forgive my dry British humor.
I think Gates
promised Hawk a cut, too.
Lovely work, Alfred.
Taking the Concorde back?
Always, Mr. Mario.
I'm racking up
those frequent flyer points.
Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.
Yo, Five Tone.
Did I miss anything?
Gates tries to blackmail me,
you ask, "Did I miss anything?''
Gates gets killed, you say,
"Did I miss anything?''
I bet you went to Mrs. Lincoln
at the theater and said...
"How was the show?
Did I miss anything?"
Might get this looked at.
Gates was killed?
Who do we send the thank-you note?
The butler did it. The guy was a cross
between Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart.
Took Mr. Ed, humpty-dumptied it
over Gate's head...
and said it was made
by Leonardo...
Da Vinci's "Sforza."
I consider it the prize of tonight's
auction of objets d'equestrian.
Horse things.
All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.
Morning edition.
It says here...
two thieves attempted to steal it.
But thanks to three brave guards,
it will be ready for tonight.
Attempted? I didn't want to steal it
in the first place, but I have my pride.
- I don't understand this.
- Why try? Forget about it.
I'm tired of not understanding things.
Cops! Mafia!
Butlers forcing me to steal something
it appears I didn't steal.
It's too goddamn peculiar.
Let me ask you.
How much does a new tuxedo cost?
A fantastic example
of Florentine bronze.
A fantastic example
of Florentine bronze.
Now who will start at ?
.
.
. . .
.
.
.
You could be swinging on a star
!
Sold!
After all these years, I still get
goose bumps coming to auctions.
The paintings, the sculptures.
Things that aren't really paintings
or sculptures.
Vultures never look up from their
calculators to see what they're buying.
That gives me goose bumps.
- Auctions are disgusting.
- I couldn't agree more.
Savages.
Now lot .
An equestrian piece
attributed to the Cellini school.
Who will start ?
Sold!
And finally lot number ...
thought to be lost in the war...
and again last night.
The da Vinci "Sforza,"
the jewel of the sale.
Fantastic!
Is looking like a constipated warthog
a job prerequisite in the art world?
We have Doctoressa Anna Baragli
of the Vatican here to verify it. Doc?
Some of us warthogs
are more constipated than others.
Perfection.
The Vatican extends its jealously
to the lucky bidder.
Thank you.
We'll begin the bidding...
at $ million.
Waldo!
million clams!
That's $ million...
to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
One hundred million and one...
Waldo!
Fantastic!
$ million and one.
Outbid by mine own wench.
Quelle bummere.
Don't hate me, baby.
Bunny.
Any other bids?
Going once.
Going twice.
Gone!
My God, that was bold of you.
You didn't have to do that.
It's nothing.
Anybody would've done the same.
I mean, you didn't have to tackle me.
I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me.
Why was that guard chasing you?
Because danger is my middle...
You couldn't just play along,
could you?
Classy way of covering our tracks, eh?
That auctioneer ought to be landing
at LaGuardia any minute now.
Hey, subtlety's not one
of our strong points.
Menthol.
This is a brand-new tuxedo!
Mister, are you going to die?
Happy sailing!
How am I driving?
- I'm going to fucking die!
Toll booth?
Exact change?
- Make a road kill!
- Fuck you, Cesar!
Run him down!
Cesar! Antony!
Are you okay?
What's the matter with you?
Name's Snickers.
Plane leaves in .
Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.
It's better than when
we first started.
Our code names were diseases. Know what
it's like being called chlamydia?
Forgot.
- My names Butterfinger.
- No shit.
Like the Company's new look?
I call them the MTVIA.
George, you promised.
No old C.I.A., new C.I.A. Jokes.
Punks.
They think the Bay of Pigs
is an herbal tea...
and the cold war has something
to do with penguins.
Don't I know you?
The last time you saw me I was bald,
with a beard and no moustache....
and I had a different nose.
So if you don't recognize me,
I won't be offended.
My high school science teacher?
I tricked you into robbing
the government installation...
then had you sent to prison for it.
George Kaplan.
I don't hold grudges.
Aah! I used you as a diversion.
I guess down deep I was jealous.
You were one hell of a thiet.
To what do I owe this honor
of this reunion?
I want to make it up to you.
That's why I got you this gig.
To quote the late Karen Carpenter,
"We have only just begun.''
Three minutes, four seconds.
But you're a little late.
Maybe nobody told you.
I quit stealing.
- My employer wants a meeting.
- Your employer?
- The president?
- No. Somebody powerful.
Good god, what's that?
You don't expect me to fall
for that old gag.
Shucks. I guess not.
- Now?
- Yes, now.
No way.
Welcome to Rome, sir.
So, Hawk. The Hawkster.
What do you think of the vehicle?
So, Hawk. The Hawkster.
What do you think of the vehicle?
Why did you duck at the auction?
What can I tell you?
I'm the villain.
Initially, it was a priority
to keep buffers between you and me.
Since most are dead now,
I thought, "What the heck?"
Hawky, you come highly recommended.
I hired Kaplan and the Marios
to find me a cat burglar.
Hey, I want to be
in business with you.
I've got the power
Ladies and gentlemen of the board
and Minerva.
Let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.
Hello.
Bunny, ball-ball.
Hawkmeister.
We've got you clothes, a great hotel
and a lire per diem.
That's $ a day so he can get
a hooker and tequila? Veto, Darwin.
We see who wears the penis
in this family.
For God's sakes,
somebody chain this convict.
Listen, this might be hard to believe,
but I'm just a regular Joe.
I just want to be happy.
And happiness comes
from the achieving of goals.
It's just that when you've made
your first billion by the age of ...
it's hard to come up with new ones.
But now, finally,
I got myself a new goal.
World domination!
Shut up!
Bunny, quit that.
Ball-ball.
- Bunny's got today's ball-balls.
- Bad Bunny.
Bunny, you weren't that bad!
Just two more minutes.
I was so close.
Seriously, Concorde me home, jail me.
I don't care.
You go back to jail,
and you won't be alone.
You'll have a guinea barkeep cell mate
to keep you company.
You're young enough to enjoy shanking
child molesters for a pack of smokes.
But Tommy Five- Tone...
will go in knowing
the next time he gets out...
will be to attend his own funeral.
Depressing?
Wouldn't waste a dime for th
while you ran from the guards.
- Damn Fotomat assholes!
- Good shot of you, Minerva.
My man, you're going to hit a church.
We want you to stealda Vinci's sketchbook. The codex.
Vatican?
I'm robbing the Vatican.
The nuns at St. Agnes...
predicted this.
What do they call you?
Igg and Ook?
I'm being blackmailed into robbing
the Vatican by psychotics and the C.I.A.
I don't...
That's okay.
Just keep an eye on the art.
Stop it!
You're embarrassing your country.
Though Leonardo is best known
as a painter...
it was his gift as an inventor
who drew together science....
and art...
that is most incredible.
Tough guy,
what are you doing here?
Every time I get around you,
my heart beats really fast.
As you know, the da Vinci codex...
has lived in the Vatican for centuries,
and will stay for centuries more.
That's what you think.
- Question?
- What time are you done?
His untiring pen predicted
the airplane...
the submarine...
the bicycle, the helicopter
and even the tank.
These designs inspired him
to develop a code...
- Something wrong?
- Come quickly.
Pokey!
- That smoke bad for you?
- This way.
- Where are we going?
- Through here.
Are you going to tell me
why you did that or blame it on Dumbo?
You mean Pokey?
Can you believe that kooky elephant?
What is this?
It's a postal subway.
Can I get to Times Square from here?
The pope takes his mail seriously.
Christmas cards, Easter seals.
Delivers up to : at night.
I see.
Actually, I don't see.
I'm confused.
How do you know this stuff?
What do you do?
I do a lot of things, but I don't steal
stuffed elephants from little girls.
My life's pretty boring.
Yeah, mine, too.
Want to have dinner?
Nice, boring dinner?
Scrabble, knock-knock jokes,
anecdotes about dead Italians?
I'll bring my entire repertoire.
And I'll bring my entire entourage.
There's a place around the corner.
Enzo's. Say : ?
Hey, thanks.
Father, it's obvious
he's up to something.
- Report upstairs at once.
- Yes, sir!
Did he mention the Mayflowers?
No, but he's going to steal the codex.
I can feel it.
- I'm not sure when.
- Attempt to steal!
The vanity of this Hudson Hawk.
The Vatican has foiled the advances
of pirates and terrorists.
We will not lie down
for some schmuck from New Jersey.
And must you flirt with him
so effectively?
That's the only way.
As an agent of our organization,
you're put in awkward situations.
Just remember, Hudson Hawk
is an evil, evil man.
Operator, I'd like to make a collect
call overseas to a New York number.
What?
No, don't put me...
Thank you for calling AT& T.What number please?
Thank God.
- - .
Pick up the phone, you reindeer
goat cheese-eating bastard.
Pick it up.
Pick it up, Tommy.
The black thing on the desk.
Come on, Tommy.
Want more, Jumbo?
Kick your big, flabby ass.
- Enjoying Italy?
- Yeah.
Yes.
I've always had a soft spot
in my heart for Roma.
I did my first
barehanded strangulation here.
Communist politician.
George, you big softie.
I miss Communism!
The Red threat.
People were scared.
The Agency had respect,
and I got laid every night.
Brief him, Snickers.
Good news. The Mayflowers
have moved up the timetable.
You're hitting the Vatican tonight.
The timing is not right.
I'm under- equipped and I've got a date.
Grapple, bikers bottle....
Pocket Fisherman, olive oil...
stamps?
This is going to be some date.
No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
Make that list happen.
It's one thing to play hide-and-seek
with the Mayflowers' pathetic staff...
but we're sore losers.
We blow up space shuttles
for breakfast.
You and Tommy would be nothing more
than a late afternoon Triscuit.
Hey, old man!
Yeah, you!
You come back here
without your Cub Scout army...
and I'll kick your centrally intelligent
ass all over the piazza.
"Beware the blue wire"?
I got your stamps.
Good, Yogi.
Kit Kat, how did you know
about that blue wire?
I was afraid you wouldn't drop by.
Am I late?
You look very nice.
You really do.
- What?
- I am the waiter.
Very nice.
And bring ketchup.
You heard him.
Come on, Pierre, read my lips.
Steak burger.
French fries. This is France.
You gotta have French fries.
Actually, it's Italy.
As if it made a difference.
To be in "Paree" and in love.
They had the worst ketchup in prison.
Prison?
I was a warden.
- How long were you in?
- Let's just say I never saw E.T.
Wow.
You were in the joint doing hard time.
It's funny, but that excites me.
I seem to have a thing for sinners.
I seem to have a thing for sinning.
Check please.
Where'd you get the hawk?
Ossining, New York.
Where'd you get the name Hudson Hawk?
Well, "the hawk" is a slang word...
for the cold wind
that blows in the wintertime.
I grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey,
which is on the Hudson River.
- So Hudson River...
- Hudson Hawk.
- Where'd you get these?
- I had an accident around the house.
- What happened?
- Fell on some chickens.
- Does it hurt?
- Yes, they hurt.
- Maybe I can make them feel better.
- Well, okay. See what you can do.
Don't tickle me. Don't do it
because I gotta tell you something.
What?
I better whisper it to you.
Come here.
I can't.
- What's the matter?
- It's been a long time for me.
It's been a really long time for me.
Outside of a friendly dog yesterday,
this has been a slow decade.
I don't make love every ten years,
I get a cranky.
I'm not sure if I remember
how to kiss girls.
Not that I ever kissed guys.
Catholic girls are scary.
- Somebody robbed the Vatican.
- Really?
It's not what you think.
Well, maybe it is.
You went and did it.
You really did it.
In less than one day of planning,
you did it.
You started the week by stealing the
"Sforza" and ended by swiping the codex.
What are your plans for the weekend?
Hoisting away the Coliseum?
Tell me. Did the devil make you do it?
Or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
Can't we go back to the kissing part?
What's going on in there?
You want me to rape them?
Just read your book, Butterfinger.
"Not in a boat. Not on a train.
Not with a goat. Not in the rain.
I do not like green eggs and ham."
To yourself.
It's more complicated than that.
Two years I've tracked the Mayflowers'
interest in the three da Vinci pieces.
The "'Sforza" was a fake, but I was
under orders not to denounce it.
Does everybody in the whole world
know more than me?
- You didn't know?
- No.
I'm just good at swiping stuff.
Who knew that would lead to this?
They've even got the C.I.A.
Involved now.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Hey, this doesn't taste
like cappuccino.
Oh. I guess I put too much
ethyl chloride in it.
Why didn't you tell me that Hawk
had hit the Vatican tonight?
My people will not be happy.
I want to see Kaplan.
Damn meddlesome Vatican organization.
Way to go!
Hudson Hawk had some interesting things
to say about you and the Mayflowers.
Basically that you're all
a part of the same carpool.
Anna, Anna, if that were so...
Almond Joy would have handed you your
heart after you handed her the codex.
The trip is this.
When the Mayflowers find out we have
the codex, they'll want to make a deal.
We deal, they'll buy, we bust.
- A classic sting.
- What happens to Hudson Hawk?
I wouldn't worry much about him.
He's in very good hands.
But you look really tired, kiddo.
Maybe you should go back to Rome
and get some sleep. Kit Kat!
Oh, there you are.
See that Miss Baragli gets home safely.
Arrivederci, baby.
It's a great dress, but why didn't you
let me cut her heart out?
Close call. Close call.
But she's our only way of keeping tabs
on the mysterious Vatican organization.
Bunny Mayflower!
Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been
hours since my last confession.
Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been
hours since my last confession.
Hit me with your best shot.
I betrayed a man.
A good man, an innocent man,
a thief.
What are you trying to say?
Father, we've been double-crossed
by the C.I.A.
Hudson Hawk is not
who we thought he was.
He came into a world where crime
is a legitimate business tactic...
and legitimate government procedure.
But he knew right from wrong.
And we kind of messed around.
Messed around?
Seventeen Hail Marys...
and five minutes outside.
So, Sister,
what you are saying is...
that Hudson Hawk is not willingly
working for the Mayflowers...
but that Kaplan
and the candy bars are.
I thought we were using the C.I.A. To
get to Mayflower, but they're using me.
The pope warned me
never to trust the C.I.A.
If the Mayflowers get all three crystals
for the gold machine...
the world economy will be ruined.
Lord help us.
But what of Tommy Five-Tone,
Hawk's friend? Where's his loyalty?
I'll find out.
Remember, you have your vows to God
as well as your mission to the world.
Yes, Your Eminence.
- Just say, "God go with me.''
- God go with you, Sister.
Ball! Ball!
Ball! Ball!
Jolly good shot.
Oh, Hudson Hawk.
Hudson Hawk!
You cease to amaze me, convict.
You are a terrible cat burglar.
Haven't you ever seen David Niven?
Tiptoe in, tiptoe out.
- Like a cat, one would say.
- I could take it back.
- Let me do that.
- I don't care.
Oh, you two!
There's nothing I hate more
than failure.
You only had to follow Hawk.
It's not like I said teach
our nation's children how to read.
We'll have to kill them.
God, Minerva!
I was just joking.
- Get away from there.
- Just browsing.
Don't hurt him.
We need him for the final job.
Oh, really?
Don't hurt him?
Even if he does this?
What about this?
Surely this must offend.
Things are really heating up
at the castle tonight.
Mama Mia Pizzeria.
May I call you Minnie?
You put your left foot inYou put your left foot out
There is a part of your body
you won't be needing for your next job.
I always wanted to sing
like Frankie Valli.
Big boys don't cry.
Three minutes, seconds.
Look, you Eddie Munster motherfucker...
somebody better tell me what's going on
or I ain't moving another muscle.
- I want to be treated like an adult.
- That's fair. Go to your room!
What?
So, Captain Hawk...
So, Captain Hawk...
in one of your paws you've got
a gold bar worth about eight thou.
In the autre, you've got lead
that won't get you gelato.
Surely a master thief like you
can tell the difference.
One down. Kitty Carlisle.
Cool, isn't it?
Weight, feel, malleability.
They're all but identical.
On the periodic chart of elements,
they're but one proton apart.
Great minds worked for centuries
to turn worthless into priceless.
Alchemy?
Alchemy is the business term
of the ' s.
Minerva read about it in
an airline magazine four years ago.
I dumped some lire into research.
Shazam! We come across a diary
by one of da Vinci's assistants...
detailing la machina de oro...
the gold machine
for those at home.
And the rest
is about to become history.
Money isn't everything.
Gold is.
Fuck T-bills!
Fuck blue chip stocks!
Fuck junk bonds!
We've got the real deal.
Money will always be paper...
but gold will always be gold.
After a couple years
of steady production...
we'll flood the market with so much gold
that gold itself...
the foundation of all finance,
will lose its meaning.
Brokers, economists,
fellow entrepreneurs...
will drown in the saliva
of their own nervous breakdowns.
- Sounds like a party.
- Markets will crash, crash.
Financial empires will crumble, crumble.
Except yours, yours.
In baby...
the European superpowers are c>oming
together for one business superpower.
- That's one party we'll love to poop.
- That's set.
The last ingredient in the recipe
is da Vinci's model of a helicopter.
On display for three days only
at the Louvre in Paris.
- As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
- Shut up. I'll lose my place.
You'll have to go in at night.
The security will be overwhelming.
Twelve guards...
Time out.
I choose not to accept
the assignment, Mr. Phelps.
Put me in jail.
Jail, you asshole! Our foot soldiers
will blow your brains out.
Bunny, ball-ball.
I'll torture you so slowly,
you'll think it's a career.
I'll kill your friends,
your family...
and the bitch you took to the prom.
Betty Jo Biarski?
I can get you an address.
You have a dilemma.
I think I know
what will help you solve it.
I'll kill you all!
I swear to God!
I'll kill the butler,
that yappy dog.
I'm sick of this.
I hated cigarettes until I saw
my first "no smoking" sign.
"Keep off the grass,"
let's play soccer.
The only law I cared for was friendship.
I broke that one, too, didn't I?
I don't think it's a smoking hot idea
to leave them in there alone.
Relax. That's why we hired the pasta
slurping guinea: To keep Hawk in line.
This Gates-Mario Brothers,
C.I.A.-Mayflower da Vinci thing...
seemed like a sweet deal.
Visit foreign lands,
take their treasures.
I thought you'd get into it.
It's better than playing darts
with M.B.A. S at the bar.
But I didn't think
it was going to be like this.
Them using me to use you.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
There's only one way out of this.
And it's gonna hurt me
more than it's gonna hurt you.
They'll talk about being buddies
and chugging brewskis.
You've got to love male bonding.
Fucked my freedom for a lousy job.
You know something?
You hit like a girl!
Really?
I was only kidding.
Tommy, no!
Plan B, George.
Plan B?
No sweat, Tommy.
You made the biggest mistake of my life.
Don't act like you never committed a
crime before. I know I made a bad call.
But when Anna tracked me down...
It was so beautiful.
When those blanks went off,
everybody freaked.
Ketchup.
You can't beat Heinz .
You fucked my freedom for a lousy job?
- You don't understand.
- You should be glad I don't hit women.
Assuming you are a woman. From now on,
I ain't taking nothing for granted.
I'm sorry. I work undercover for
a Vatican humanitarian organization.
Anna made me realize what a pawn I was.
- Man, I love you.
- I care for you.
Oh. Then what's this?
- Where did you get that?
- The da Vinci Castle.
The place where you gave the bad guys
the codex.
- That's from the gold machine.
- Yeah.
They were that close to making it work.
But now they've lost the greatest
cat burglar and his dead partner...
They won't be able to steal
the third piece of the crystal.
And we get to go home.
- Let me ask you something.
- Go ahead.
Why'd they leave all these rocks
laying in the backyard?
They're called ruins.
Ruins?
Good name.
He had this look on his face
when we caught him. It was like...
I never saw a look on a face like this.
He was so embarrassed.
Speaking of being caught, isn't
the C.I.A. Gonna check out this place?
No. They fell for the fake death.
They think Hawk's been arrested.
Kaplan and the candy bars were seen
boarding a plane out of Rome.
- Where to?
- Quit worrying about them.
I'm not worried.
I'm just being cautious.
- Okay. On that note, it's time for bed.
- I couldn't agree more.
You sleep here.
- Where you gonna sleep?
- What do you think?
Yeah. Good night.
I'll get some sheets.
Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.
- It's a very special night.
- Yes, it was.
- Is.
- Was.
There's some things
you don't know about me.
There are things I do know about you,
and about me and about that bed.
This is not the time.
Look, can't we have
a late-night cappuccino?
I'm sorry, but the machine's
still set up for poisonous foam.
Oh, yeah. I remember.
Good night.
Good night.
Don't even think about it.
Don't say another word.
It's a very special night
You're very funny.
Good morning.
The license plates on the police van
had a Vatican prefix.
I'm losing respect for you.
You were that close to getting away
with this crap.
Where's Anna?
It's nice of you guys to drop by,
but next time you might phone ahead.
Come back in a half hour. We'll grab
a shower, pick up some croissants.
I wish I could come up with this
glib repartee the way you guys can.
But I can't, so I'll just paralyze you.
A.J.?
Curare darts.
When it comes to instantaneous loss
of physical control below the neck...
I highly recommend them.
I can't move! I'm gonna rip
their fucking tongues out!
Come here, you chickenshit
son of a bitch!
Come here! My head against your head.
Fair fight.
This is how I go out?
Like a hunk of frozen Play-Doh?
Like a Gumby in a store?
What the fuck are you...
Keep laughing, Jumbo.
It's coming out my nose.
This is no way, George,
to get me to rob the Louvre.
The Louvre?
The Louvre, Hawk,
is yesterday's news.
Or should I say, this morning's.
I admit we displayed a lack of nuance.
Didn't wear black,
didn't sing "Swinging on a Star."
We weren't being judged for neatness,
only results.
Goddamn it! Yanks lose again!
- How'd the Mets do?
- Can you turn to Section B?
You guys may be the fairest
cat burglars of them all...
but if you weren't such snobs, those
guards at the Louvre might be alive.
That's irrelevant now.
You're irrelevant now.
Because tonight...
at the Castle da Vinci,
we make gold!
Rise and shine, sleepyheads!
More babes for the party.
Hi, Anna.
Don't be stupid, Mr. Kaplan.
Give me the crystal.
Anna Baragli!
Came to play!
Anna-banana-fo-fanna...
you're not gonna shoot
little ol' me, are you?
You're not gonna shoot
little ol' anybody.
- Pull the trigger.
- Shoot, Anna, shoot.
- I read your dossier, Sister.
- Pull the trigger!
Why did she call you "sister"?
- I'm sorry. I meant to tell you.
- He didn't know.
- He didn't know!
- Know what?
Hawk likes a nun.
Those better be tears you're crying.
They are.
- It doesn't mean I don't love you.
- No, you love me. It's your job!
- You probably love Butterfinger.
- Well, yeah.
In a weird sort of Catholic way,
I do.
But you... You...
Miss Baragli's da Vinci expertise
allows her to go on to the next course.
- And as for you guys...
- Sorry, guys.
A souvenir.
- Later, guys.
- Easy for you to say.
We got some good news
and some bad news.
We got some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is you'll be unparalyzed
in about two minutes.
That bad news is that leaves you
with five seconds to defuse the bombs.
Bombs?
I'm so glad it had to be like this.
I'll shoot one in the kitchen
for good measure.
Almond Joy, more paralysis!
- You can move?
- Yeah.
This is what I get for darting a nun?
Get this off my head!
- Look at Snickers.
- He's about to have a migraine.
Maybe it's a dud.
I don't know.
It must be the curare.
It's been known to have side effects.
Oh, really, George?
I feel like a dolphin
who's never tasted melted snow.
Listen, Anna.
The apprentice's diary
contains a code that explains...
how the three pieces of crystal
fit together.
If you could do us the honor,
and decipher how the code works...
we would be eternally grateful.
What's the color blue taste like?
Bobo knows.
I must speak with the dolphins now.
Just shoot her. Anybody?
This is supposed to be torture,
not therapy.
The old man said turn left at the fork.
The old man said turn left at the fork.
If you want to save Anna,
you've got to find the castle first.
- Quit pushing.
- I'm not pushing.
- Count of three?
- Why not just go now?
- Tommy, who are you, Bob Hope?
- What are you talking about?
- What are you doing with that golf bag?
- I've got a plan.
- Is it a great plan?
- A great big plan.
- Let me ask you something.
- Go ahead.
- How do I look?
- Great. Are you kidding?
No, I want you to tell me.
- I've been away a long time.
- We're hanging over a chasm.
- You're asking me how you look?
- Okay. You don't gotta get...
- You look gorgeous, like El Zorro.
- I didn't know.
A lifetime of service,
and it's come to this.
The dolphin is dead.
The dolphin is...
Come on, you bitch!
I'm not a very good damsel
in a dress, am I?
You must pay the rent!
But I can't pay the rent!
Yo, Flipper. A damsel in distress
implies that there is...
some well-hung Dudley Do-Right
galloping up to save you.
It ain't gonna happen.
Hudson Hawk go boom boom.
He dead.
- I'm thinking of using the iron.
- Looks long.
- Six iron?
- Bingo.
Thank you. Fore!
Fore?
Did anybody hear something?
Can you believe it?
I heard something.
- Did you set the timer on that thing?
- No.
From now on, set the timer.
Come on, Butterfinger.
Kit Kat, guard the Mayflowers
with your life.
Kit Kat, are you really going
to guard us with your life?
Double crossbow for a double-cross.
Alfie, you dry British madman!
Catch you later, baby.
- Why did you do that?
- Try this one, Sister.
Thou shalt not share.
It's in the hole!
The gallery's ecstatic!
- He's gotta be happy with that one.
- So what do you say?
- / minutes to save Anna,
- / to save the world.
- - . "Side by Side"?
Oh, we ain't gota barrel of moneyWe may be ragged and funnyBut we'll travel along
Hit it!
Singing a songSide by side
Let's go this way.
We better go this way.
Okay. This way.
Eddie, we better split up.
I'll take the front you the back
and we'll meet back at the clubhouse.
- Hey, Tommy, looking good, my man.
- Thanks.
How you doing?
Three. Two. One.
Go in, brief the Mayflowers
on the current situation.
You got it, coach.
Through all kinds of weatherWhat if the sky should fallJust as longas we're togetherIt doesn't matter at allWhen they've all had their quarrelsand partedWe'll be the sameas we startedJust sailing alongsinging a songSide by...
Side.
I'll take that, sir.
Hey, coach, looks bad.
Those Mayflowers set us up.
Jumbo, we hardly knew you.
Since you won't tell us
what we want to know...
I think it's time for you to report
to the head office in heaven, Sis.
If you see the big guy,
tell him He's a loser.
That's it.
That didn't hurt.
No? Try this.
What do you say now, you centrally
intelligent scumsicle?
Getting old, George?
Tommy, you New York Italian
father-made-$ -a-week son of a bitch!
You were hired as bait.
On this simple task,
you have betrayed me.
- Do you have an answer why?
- I got five of them.
One! Two!
Three! Four!
Just one more.
It didn't hurt.
How do I stop?
My hat.
You've never fucked with anybody
from Hoboken before!
Anna, we're supposed to be saving you.
I'm sorry. I got bored,
so I saved myself.
- We've got to get those crystals.
- Got 'em here, cowboy.
"Got 'em here, cowboy."
Sounds like Tommy.
I won't be needing the car anymore.
My pension!
- Friend of yours?
- Dead!
Hudson, look...
out.
Anna, Hawkmeister, you're probably
wondering why you're still alive.
We're still having a problem
putting this damn crystal together.
Alfie and I have been at it all night.
Well?
What are you waiting for?
- Don't do it.
- Relax.
Besides, we don't have much choice,
do we?
Oh, Hawk.
Don't ever change.
Nice Hawk.
Bad Hawk!
Why is the world jam-packed
with such idiots?
Every schmoe has a fantasy
that the planet revolves around them.
It rains.
A car crash stops traffic.
You say, "How can this happen to me?"
But for us, this isn't a fantasy.
It is a reality.
Oh, yes!
If da Vinci was alive today...
he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked in
the back of a Cadillac with both of us.
The project of his life
is now the toy of mine.
History, tradition, culture
are not concepts.
These are trophies I keep in my den
as paperweights!
The chaos we will cause the world
with this machine....
will be our final masterpiece!
Go, team, go!
Yes!
Now!
Eureka, motherfucker!
You should feel good about yourself.
You should feel good about yourself.
- Let me ask you something.
- What?
What would happen if I didn't put
that crystal together right?
What do you mean?
Let's say I left out
this little piece of mirror.
- Would that be bad?
- Real bad.
Good.
How.
Your turn.
How'd it get to be my turn?
I just killed Darwin and Minerva.
- Definitely your turn.
- Shit!
Stay over here and
try to stay out of the way.
- Hudson?
- What?
- Thou shalt not kill!
- Sorry.
No! Stop helping me.
You won't be attending
that hat convention in July.
- My turn?
- Yeah.
What's with this dog?
Bunny?
Ball-ball.
Come on, Puppy Chow.
Got to go.
Here we go.
Hang on.
Leonardo!
Go, Leonardo! Please, please!
Oh, baby!
Hi, kids!
- Anna?
- Yes, Hudson?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Will you play Nintendo with me?
I can't think of anybody
I'd rather play Nintendo with.
Wait a minute.
What about your boss?
- What boss?
- You know.
Oh, I think He wants me
to keep an eye on you.
I think He wants you
to keep an eye on me, too...
'cause I've got criminal tendencies.
- Can I buy you a cappuccino?
- Yes.
- Can I give you a kiss?
- Yes.
I wish Tommy were here.
No way!
- That's not very nice.
- No way!
Yes, way!
Did I miss anything?
You're supposed to be all cracked up
at the bottom of the hill.
Air bags!
Can you fucking believe it?
You're supposed to be blown up
into fiery chunks of flesh.
Sprinkler system set up in the back.
Can you fucking believe it?
Yeah! That's probably what happened.
Drink your cappuccino.
Drink your coffee.
With the world saved,and the secrets of da Vinci protected...Eddie finally got his coffee.