I Heart Huckabees Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! The I Heart Huckabees transcript is here, for all you fans of the David O. Russell movie. The I Heart Huckabees script was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie. I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free scripts!

[Man Thinking] Motherfucking cocksucker.

Motherfucking shit fucker.!

What am I doing? What am I doing?

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can.

I know that's all I can ask of myself.

But is that good enough? Is my work doing any good?

Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things?

The African guy's a sign, right? Because if he isn't...

then nothing in this world makes any sense to me.

I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit.

Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore.

Fucker. Fuck! Shit!

I'm glad we saved a piece of this marsh.

I know it's small, but at least it's something.

- [Camera Shutter Clicks] - Don't stop fighting.

We're going to save a lot more of this place.

To celebrate, I have a poem I'd like to read.

"Obody sits like this rock sits.

"You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is.

You show us how to just sit here, and that's what we need."

Yeah, we did it.

- Any press come? - Yeah, local paper's here. What's wrong?

Othing. It's just I have an appointment to check out this African guy.

- What African guy? - Exactly. What African guy?

Come on.

Hello. Albert Markovski. I have a 1::00 appointment.

Sorry, I'm late. This place is like a maze.

Have a seat. We'll be right with you.

Why don't you just tell me what your situation is.

Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do here, all right?

Well, we, uh... We'll investigate and solve your case.

- How? - If you sign a contract, we'll follow you.

- You'll spy? - Yes.

- On me? - Yes.

- Will you be spying on me in the bathroom? - Yes.

- In the bathroom? - Yes.

- Why? - There's nothing too small.

You know when police find the slightest bit of d... A. And build a case?

If we might see you... you floss or masturbate...

that could be the key to your entire reality.

- So I'm hiring you to spy on me. - That's right.

So we can figure out your situation and resolve your crisis.

In addition, my associate will approach your case from a different angle.

What do you mean a different angle? What does that mean?

Regarding your perception of reality. He'll tell you about that.

- Who sent you here? - Obody. I found your card.

- Where? - In some fancy restaurant that I'd never been to before.

I didn't have the proper attire. So they let me borroWa suitjacket.

I reached into my pocket, and there Was your card.

The Weird thing is I alWays have a jacket.

- [Woman] But not that day? - No.

- Brad Stand. - Hey.

- Kind of a coincidence. - Yes, exactly. My case is a coincidence.

- About the restaurant and thejacket? - O, no. That-That's...

I'm talking about a big coincidence. It involves one man.

It's a three-parter. Okay. Ready?

[Inhales, Exhales] First part.

I went to a place called Schottinger's photo archives.

I Was there getting stills of early Bob Dylan.

In comes this tall African guy. He's like 18 years old or something.

You knoW, he's in there getting photos of Morris Chestnut...

Shaquille O'Neal, Jim Carrey.

He's an autograph hound. Kind of guy likes to get...

glossies of famous people and get them signed.

TWo Weeks later, I see the same African guy.

He's Working as a doorman at my friend's building.

Oh, my God!

- Who's your friend? - Jay Wendorff. But it's not his apartment.

- It's his girlfriend's. - What's her name?

Uh, Kelly. Kelly Coulter. So, okay, that's two.

One time at Schottinger's photo archive...

second time as the doorman.

Third, I see this man, he's in a van at the mall.

- What are you doing at the mall? - I'm working.

- I'm making a statement for the open spaces. - [Horn Honking]

Yeah, he's back. You crazy bastard.

You don't plant no tree in this parking lot!

I gotta come take that tree, remove it and let traffic through.

You'rejust creatin' more Work for me.

- They're not always meaningful. - Yeah, it's meaningful.

- Meaningful hoW? - That's what I want you to find out.

- About your life. - Yeah, about my life.

And about the whole thing. About the universe, you know? The big one.

I mean, should I keep doing What I'm doing? Is it hopeless?

Mr. Markovski, we see a lot of people in here...

who claim they want to know the ultimate truth about reality.

They want to peer under the surface at the big everything...

but this can be a very painful process full of surprises.

It can dismantle the world as you know it.

That's Why most people prefer to remain on the surface of things.

Maybe you should go home. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Take it easy. What do you say?

I say don't give me the brush-off. Please.

I want to know. This is big.

- Have you ever transcended space and time? - Yes. No.

Uh, time not space. O, I don't know what you're talking about.

I take it you don't make very much money, Mr. Markovski.

Is that gonna be a problem? Are you expensive, What you do?

We have a sliding scale. Some of our clients pay $30 a Week.

Some of our wealthy clients pay several thousand a week.

I can't believe you guys actually exist. How long have you been doing this?

- Seventeen years, 352 cases. - [Laughs] That's crazy.

I'm gonna have to ask you to please steer clear of my office...

because my work situation is a little shaky, all right?

You want us to stay away from your job?

Yeah. If you come snooping around my office...

it could make me look unstable and it could hurt me.

I want you to meet my colleague.

- Bernard? - Uh-huh.

- This is Mr. Markovski. - Hi.

- He's going to have to be pro bono. - Okay. Sounds good.

Thank you very much for taking on my case.

- Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. - Hold on.

- He hasn't signed a contract. - Let's do this and then we'll get to the contract.

- It's too much too soon. - It's always too much too soon. That's the nature of the beast.

- Approach, patience, finesse. - Will you stop?

- Come on. - We need to start with his specifics, Bernard.

We need to go past logic though. Come on. Let's go.

- Give me a kiss. Come on. - Okay.

Will you tell me where we're having dinner tonight?

- Korean barbecue. - Really?

Okay, let's get started.

Is this part of my investigation?

Yes. Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay?

You, me, everything.

Othing has been left out, all right? All the particles, everything.

- What's outside this blanket? - More blankets. That's the point.

- Blanket's everything. - Exactly. This is everything.

Let's just say that this is me, all right?

And I'm, what, 60-odd years old and I'm wearing a gray suit.

Blah, blah, blah. And let's say over here, this is you.

And, you're... I don't know, you're 21. You got dark hair, etc.

And over here, this is Vivian, my wife and colleague.

Then over here, this is the Eiffel tower, right? It's Paris.

And this is a war. And this is, uh, a museum.

And this is a disease. And this is an orgasm.

And this is a hamburger.

- Everything is the same even if it's different. - Exactly.

But our everyday mind forgets this. We think everything is separate.

Limited. I'm over here. You're over there. Which is true.

But it's not the whole truth because we're all connected.

Because we... are connected.

- Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. - Okay?

- Yeah. - All right, now, we need to learn...

how to see the blanket truth all the time.

Right in the everyday stuff. And that's what this is for.

- Why? - Why what?

Why do I need to learn how to see the blanket thing all the time in the everyday stuff?

You wouldn't want to miss out on the big picture, would you?

- Uh-uh. - That's partly why you're here, right?

And this is it. I'm talking about it right now.

It will take a while for you to get it, you know?

- But... it will help you. - [Zipper Unzipping]

- How? - When you get the blanket thing you can relax...

because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.

- That sound pretty good? - That sounds very good.

- All right, get in. - You want me to get in?

- So, get in here? - Yeah.

- What's going to happen to me in there? - Oh, hey, you're gonna see.

You'll find out.

The purpose of this suit, Mr. Markovski, is to help shut doWn...

Your everyday perceptions and give up your usual identity...

- that you think separates you from everything. - [Heart Beating]

This room, this street...

this toWn, this country, this economy...

this history, this planet.

Your body, Your senses,yourjob.

Everything that You identify With.

Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.

We will fucking destroy you, deary.

- Got Shaquille O'eal. I like Shaq. - [Girl Squeals]


- Brad Stand. - Hey, how are you?

So what's the Open Spaces take on that?

Well, I think you guys can definitely rebuild in areas...

that are already run-down instead of tearing up new land.

- [Albert's Voice] NeWland. NeWland. - We're open to that.

That's who we are at Open Spaces. We can't throw that away.

We're not asking you to throw that away. I'm not gonna bullshit you, right?

Part of this is we took a beating in the press for all our growth.

Opening so many stores in such a short time.

So if we work with you and your Open Spaces Coalition...

is that gonna help the Huckabees image?

Yes. Does it help me? Yes.

Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely.

But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do.

[Woman Moaning]

Don't look at me. What's wrong with you?

Beat it, you little pussy.

- What's Wrong With you? - Pussy. - You're an asshole.

- [Gasping] - How are you? Okay? You doing okay?

I thought you said that was going to relax me.

Eventually, but you have to practice at home. Okay?

You got a lot of layers in there, don't you? Huh? All right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

How am I supposed to practice at home? I don't have one of these.

It doesn't matter. What you can do... It...

Just use an eye mask or shut your eyes, okay?



Um, hi. What should I be doing?

Whatever you normally do.

[O Audible dialogue Or Sound Effects]

[Machine Beeps]

[Woman] I Wanted to thank you for What you did With the oak tree.

I played in that tree When I Was little. I thought We had a chance...

- but they chopped it to pieces. - [Phone Ringing]

[Woman's Voice] Hi. I have some questions...

about poWer lines over the playground Where my daughter goes to school.

Please call me. I'm Marjorie at 96...

- Hey, we got to talk, man. - Hey, what's going on? Where is everybody?

- Brad moved the meeting. - He what?

- To Huckabees corporate. - Listen. Okay. I want you to do this.

I want you to get me the national office on the phone right now.

Call Orrin Spence and tell him that Brad is trying to hijack my coalition.

- This should've gone to the other chapter a week ago. - I Want those flyers...

- outta the parking lot. - It's a free country. The poems work.

- Oh, you are pissing people off. - Oh, no, I'm not.

- Yeah, you really are. You're pissing people... - o, I'm not.

If my poems had gone out with the Shania mailing, it'd be a different story.

You know what? You're not leading this coalition anymore.

- I am the coalition. I wrote the charter. - Uh-huh. Ot for long.

- Tell him it's important. - I'm not going to any meeting at Huckabees.

- I can't get 'em. - Can you just keep trying? Just keep trying.

Orrin Spence. Brad cannot do this to us, all right?

- How can she get you out of the charter, man? - She can't!

This is my work situation, the one I was telling you about. It's a little...

I'll describe it later to you if we could just...

- don't worry, Albert. We're gonna knock that meeting on its ass. - Copy these and get these out.

You're fighting suburban sprawl and this fellow, Brad Stand, and you have had a falling out.

Remember, I told you not to come by my work?

Oh, yes, I remember. Ow, tell me, did the coalition inspire the poetry?

- Or did the poetry inspire the coalition? - This is looking weird.

- Can we schedule a time when you can come by? - This thread of your...

This has nothing to do with my coincidence. My coincidence has to do with an African man.

Viv.! Viv.! Mr. Corn is having a crisis. You better talk to him. Mr. Corn, crisis.

- Tommy, what is it? - I got a serious situation here.

- Tell me What's happening. - She wants to talk about my work situation.

- I want to know about my coincidences. - What's happening now?

This is what's happening now. She's spying...

- Talking about the blanket. - I don't want to do the blanket right now.

Like this.

Wait a minute. Whoa. What's going on?

I need facts, Bernard, to piece together a theory.

O time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?

- This isn't cool. - What? What?

Listen, you go visit Mr. Corn. His wife is leaving him.

I think I've got a really hot lead, Bernard.

Albert, the universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere...

and whose circumference is nowhere.

Well, how can the center be everywhere if...

- She just dove into the back of Angela's car. - You gotta keep using the method.

I gotta check on... on, uh, Mr. Corn right now, okay?

That method Works. Don't forget to use it, all right?

Mmm. Mmm! Mm.


[Man]Jimbo, everything on this laWn goes.

The microWave, the coffee grinder.

Baby! Baby, come on.

Don't do this, please.

Hey, don't do this.

- You don't need anyone. - That's not true. I need you guys.

If nothing matters, how can I matter?

I don't know if nothingness matters or somethingness matters.

I'm trying to figure that out and I want you to help me.

Somethingness, nothingness. You know what?

I-I-I... You figure it out. Let go! Let go of me!

Okay, uh, hold on now. Tell me what happened. Okay?

She won't stay and share this with me.

- T-Tell me what that is. - It's important to me. I see it so clearly.

- Yeah? - You use petroleum, you're a murderer. That's a fact.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Murderer. A murderer?

One... killin' the ozone and all the creatures that it's hurting?

- Calm down. - Two... killing Arabs in oil- producing dictatorships...

where everybody is poor... that is cruelty and it's inhumane.

- You've talked to me about this. - So if this world is temporary...

- Yeah. - Identity is an illusion...

- Yeah. - Then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you...

- o. It... - That's got me very confused.

O, it matters. It matters. It matters. Look, Tommy.

See, this is the universe. And that's our galaxy over here.

- What universe? - What universe? This. Tommy, come on.

Come on. There's dust and gas there.

- Yeah? - There's us over here...

and good and bad luck in the middle.

- That's chaos. That's my "B." - This doesn't sound like you.

- O, Vauban talks about space. - Where'd you get that book?

- You sent it to me. - O, no. We would never give you this book.

- You didn't send this? - Caterine Vauban's full of shit. What is she doing here?

God, she never leaves Paris. This is insane.

- This is a pretty good book. You should read this. - What?

She says nothing's connected, doesn't matter what you do...

you can drive a car, you can burn up gas...

- Yeah? - Which would explain the way things actually are...

where people do destructive things like it doesn't matter.

Tommy, Tommy, everything is connected and everything matters.

There's not an atom in our bodies...

that has not been forged in the furnace of the sun.

- Ow, isn't that cool? Huh? - Yes.

- That's a cool thing, isn't it? - But...

But what? You tell me where she contradicts that.

- Oh, right here. - Where? Where?

- There... - Where?

"Less than 5% of the cosmos is composed of the same elements that compose human life."

- You know... - There you go. That means we're all alone...

and we're miserable and isolated.

Molly, if you... Listen. If you...

If you leave him before he gets done dismantling...

he Will never make it to the other side, okay?

You knoW What? I'm done With the dismantling.

- You don't want to ask these questions? - O! I want to live my life!

What is that life, baby? What are we part of? Who are we?

Look at this. Do you know where these come from?

- Yeah, my closet. - Indonesia.

- The store. - Baby, this is the truth, okay?

Little girls like you, they have to work in dark factories...

where they go blind for $1.60 a month just to make Mommy her pretty shoes.

- Can you imagine that, Caitlin? - I don't want the children to work in factories!

Don't listen, honey. Daddy is crazy.

Daddy's not crazy, baby. The world is crazy.

- It's important to ask questions. - [Caitlin] Don't let them go blind.!

Mommy doesn't ask 'cause Mommy doesn't care.

- Don't stop asking questions, baby. - Damn you!

- How dare you! - Skippy, put her in the car, will ya?

- "Less than 5% of the cosmos... - Give me the teddy!

Is composed of the same elements that compose human life."

- What does that matter? - You should be asking these questions, Skip.

Guys, give him a break. His therapist is down here to help him out.

Excuse me. What did you call me?

- You're his therapist? - No, I'm...not his therapist.

We need to talk 'cause this book is making a lot of sense to me and I want...

And what is Caterine Vauban doing in the United States?

What the hell are you talking about?

- [ Laughter] - [Man] No, no, Wait. This is really good.

[ Laughing, Chattering]

[Brad] You think that's funny? I got a story for you.

- It's only four months old. - Wait. Wait. Listen. Listen. Listen to the master, all right?

I'm with Shania. We're opening a megastore down by the loop.

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

It's 4:00 and she's starving. So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches, no mayo.

- [Woman] Stop it.! - [ Laughter]

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Shania hates mayo, all right? And she can't eat chicken salad.

That's no joke, all right? We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo.

- She's vomiting all over the limo. - The lady hates chicken salad.

So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches. She still doesn't believe me.

I say, "Shania, I'm allergic to mayo."

- Which, by the way, is a lie. - He loves mayo.! He loves it.

Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it.

So she eats one and a half sandwiches. One and a half sandwiches...

before she realizes... it's chicken salad.

- And she actually likes it. - She did not vomit.

He made her change her mind. And that's what they want upstairs in corporate, okay?

[ Laughing Continues]

Excuse me? Can I help you?

- Shh. Shh. Shh. - [Woman] Excuse me?

Yes, I'm here for the Open Spaces meeting with Brad Stand.

Okay, well, then you are in the wrong area entirely. Come on.

- I'll show you where to go. - You're very, very helpful. Thanks a lot.

There's no reason for you to be up here. This is an executive private floor.

It's for... Come on. Let's pick it up. Heel to toe.

Unless you're an executive or an executive's assistant...

or someone Who is a...

o. O, ma'am. Shania has no song for you. Let's move it along this way.

You're supposed to be on another floor. Security is very tight in this building.

Or at least I thought it was very tight in this building.

Of course, every noWand then We get somebody...

who gets off on the wrong floor.

And then people flitting about...

At Huckabees, the everything store.

[Sighs] Let me try that one more time.

I... I... Okay.

Tops and mops. 50% off all women's shirts and hair products.

This week only. At Huckabees, the everything store.

[Man] Uh, DaWn, can We do it one more time?

I think We can do it better.

- I suck, daryl. I really sucked. - You're doing great, DaWn.

- I can't do this. I can't do it. - Don't give me that face.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Your voice is the trademark voice of Huckabees.

Oh, there she is.! You're one sneaky lady.

I was almost in the elevators. We're going now.

Let's move it along. There we go. I'll show you where you need to go.

[Thinking] Moved my meeting to the Huckabees corporation.

I saved this rock. I'm going to save this place.

They're not gonna save this place.

Rat-fucking-bastard Brad Stand.

Corporate prick bastard. Oh, motherfucking dickhead.

"Betrayed" by Albert Markovski.

Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better?

I don't think so.

[Man's Voice] It Was Albert's vision. This Whole thing Was Albert's vision.

- [Vivian] Tell me about Brad. - [Man] Albert let him in, Which Was a mistake.

- Fuck! - [Angela] He has been enormously helpful...

[Man] He dropped Albert's poems from the benefit. And the mailing.

[Vivian] Settle doWn. Someone tell me about the Woods and the marsh.

[Angela] MaryJane, this is your story. Why don't you do it?

My great grandfather owned the woods and the marsh.

We deeded them over to the municipality in 197 2.

In perpetuity for the public.

- Tell me why. - We just wanted to share this beautiful place.

And now the town is looking at subclauses.

- [Murmuring] - All of the sudden wants yet another mall...

and houses on this beautiful marsh.

- So We're fighting it. - We are fighting it.

- We have to save the marsh. - Sorry I'm late, guys.

I got the photo of the wetlands right here!

It looks beautiful!

[Brad's Voice] Here's the marsh and Woods We're going to save.

This photo says good times and peace.

Shania's right here. No silly poetry.

Let the beauty speak for itself.

[MaryJane] This is Where the littlejack-in-the-pulpits live.

An image is always better. You've gotta reach people quick.

They don't understand poems. They don't want to hear poems. They have no time for them.

They think too much. Open Spaces T's for everyone. MaryJane.

- Extra small for your grandson, right? - You shouldn't have.

Open Spaces T's and here is the schedule for the benefit.

First up, cocktails. Then, MaryJane...

you introduce the marsh video, background story, animals, plants and stuff.

Angela, you speak. Marty speaks for Huckabees. I speak. Then Shania sings.


Shania TWain entertains us.

- Hi, have we met? - O. Vivian Jaffe.

- Brad Stand. - [MaryJane] She's a perspective from...

- Albert Markovski. - [Group Groaning]

- Sorry, that's not gonna work. - What's the matter with that?

- HoWare you connected? - Through an investigation.

I worry about that guy. He alienates people. What kind of investigation?

Existential. I'd like to ask a few questions if you don't mind.

Actually we do. We do because we've got to meet, and we're a little late.

Sounds kind of interesting though. Have you got a card?

- Yes. - I don't mean to give you a hard time.

Existential? Is that like a therapy?

Okay, let's go, sneaky lady. Let's step it outside.

[Albert] I told you to stay aWay from my Work situation.!

To solve your coincidence, we have to put it into context. Brad Stand seems very important.

So you come by Huckabees corporate and say you're my fucking existential detectives?

- I'm lucky if I last another day! - We can solve your case sooner if you're straight with us.

I'm being straight with you. Brad smeared me...

and took the coalition in a different direction.

- That's straight. - At Schottinger's photo archive Where you met Mr. Nimieri...

Who's Mr... Who's that?

- The African guy. - That's the African guy from my coincidence.

- This is what I wanna talk about. - It Wasn't your first time at Schottinger's, Was it?

- Did I say it was? - You did. You agree it wasn't?

Sure. It Wasn't my first time. Big deal.

It was more like a regular thing with you. And you weren't finding a still of Bob dylan.

You were planting photos of yourself in the archive.

- What are you getting at? - Why Would you do something like that?

To be noticed. Maybe urgently.

- Maybe,yeah. - Uh-huh.

How did that affect things with Brad at the coalition?

How did it affect things at the coalition? I don't know.

You know, it was a drag. It really was a drag.

Because I wanted my poems to go out with the fund-raiser mailing. Brad didn't.

He was all obsessed with Shania and Pete Sampras.

Ot what we were really supposed to be focusing on... hurt.

You planted photos of yourself and your poems at Schottinger's. Brad didn't respect you.

- O, he didn't. - And yet you brought him into the open spaces coalition.

- Why is that? - I needed the sponsor to take my cause to another level.

That's why. Why else would I do it?

- Like we said. To be noticed. - This is absurd. Show me my folder.

- O. That is not productive. - At the photo archive, you spent a lot of time...

looking at old Jessica Lange bathing suit stills, why?

That's only because Lange comes before Markovski.

I was putting my head shots under Markovski, and then "L" is right before it.

I might've looked at a little bit of Lange on the way out. What's the big deal?

- Albert, baby, come on. - What, is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?

- [Vivian] Have you ever been in love? - What kind of question is that?

- Do you even believe in love? - Or do you only have fantasy relationships...

because anything else would be too painful?

Bernard, excuse me. But I'm making some progress here.

So am I, darling. So am I.

Oh, no, no. I'm not going in that thing. Every time I go in there...

it's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete.

And then they multiply. And We're going to address that right noW.

- Okay? - I'll leave it to you.

Come on. You can't retreat. Back into the fray, Albert. Let's go.

I'm in your corner.

[Heart Beating]

Okay, Albert, I Want you to melt Your usual identity like you did before.

- [Woman Laughing] - Stop looking at me.

I said stop looking at me.

- Dawn is gonna love doing spots for the open spaces. - Who's dawn?

Miss Huckabees. Dawn.

- She loves your poems. The one about the rock. - Obody sits like this rock sits.

That's the one. She loves poems. She loves forests, meadows, getting outside.

We'll just throw theJet Skis on the trailer and head to the mountains.

Wait, you guys... You go with MissHuckabees?

- She was doing some print work for us... - [Bernard] Albert? Albert?

Forget Brad. Come back to me. Where are you? Where are you?

Albert. Picture a tree in a field.

Good. NoWput someone You respect in the tree.

- Hey, dickweed. - [Albert] Still Brad Stand.

- Add someone else. - Like Who?

You knoW, someone Who can understand things. Someone Who can help you.

- Who's your guide? - Well, I use Magritte, a Belgian surrealist.

- I got someone. - Who is it?

Mrs. Schirmir. She Was my high school English teacher. She helped me.

- All right, good. - He pushed her out of the tree.

Okay, Mrs. Schirmir has a vacuum cleaner, Albert, that sucks up fear.

NoWshe's going to send you rays of security and complete acceptance.

He chopped her head off!


Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You're doing well.

Ow, don't give up now. Didn't she vacuum a lot?

But then he vacuumed her. I had to chop him up with a machete.

Okay, Albert. I can let you in on a couple of secrets.

One, your mind is always occupied on something...

so it may as well be something helpful like Mrs. Schirmir and her vacuum cleaner.

Two, there is no such thing as you and me.

So then there's just nothing?

Three, there's no such thing as nothing.

There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity.

There's only the blanket.

I thought I understood the blanket. Ow I'm not sure.

Flags and bags.! Huckabees says, 'Happy birthday, Mr. President. "

50% off all knapsacks and pocketbooks.

Oh, say, can you see how good this looks?

Let freedom ring. At Huckabees...

the everything store.

"Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want.

"But what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed...

under the Cd department?"

- Hey, Albert, how's it goin'? - What are you doing here, Brad?

I met Brad when I was investigating you.

He called with his own existential conundrum. That's all.

- I'm really glad I found out about these people. - That's bullshit.

He doesn't care about things like this.

Bring me the African guy. Where's that African guy?

- Dude, what're you talking about? - Why does he get to Write poetry?

There's no gazelles in orth America. Just so you know.

And that building squashing nature is my imagery. You don't write poetry.

[Bernard] Everyone's intake procedure is different.

I asked Brad to write a poem.

And it Wasn't enough that You came to my coalition...

now you have to come here and do... Okay, okay.

[Bernard] All right, that's good.

We're the same, Brad. It's all the blanket.

There you go. Give it a shot.

- That is wonderful, Albert. - Oh, honey, he's got it.

How are things at the coalition, Brad?

Great. Much smoother.

Great, I look forward to coming back and Working With you.

I don't think that's going to happen, my friend.

I'm still in the charter. I built the coalition from scratch.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't want to cramp you here.

That's What you mean to do.! That's exactly What you mean to do.!

- What? - What? - What?

You see what he's doing? Tell them what you're doing.

- What? - He's come here to conquer you like he conquered my coalition.

And noWhe's here today to unnerve me so that When Orrin comes to toWn, I Will bloWit.

- That's what you mean to do. - Albert, please.!

- Oh, my God, Brad. You're killing me. - What are you talking about?

What am I talking... Okay, When Orrin comes, I'll bloWit.

I'll get kicked out, and then he can do whatever he wants with the coalition.

- Who's Orrin? - Orrin is the Open Spaces national director.

He's coming to review our charter.

I hope this isn't about dawn. He has a crush on my girlfriend.

- That's crazy! - Why do you stare at her?

- She's a model.! - [Brad Laughs]

- I'm going home. - Oh, no.! Albert, please. Stay With us for mancala hour.

I'm gonna have a fucking ball at mancala hour, aren't I?

Maybe Albert should meet his other.

What? Tommy? O, that's a bad idea right now.

Yes, a dicey move. Maybe even dangerous, but potentially inspired.

Bernard, give them both a connection.

Maybe, but Tommy's in a bad direction. It could spread to Albert.

You said Tommy was gonna be fine. What are you leaving out?

Othing. Give him his other. It's an inspired idea. It's groovy.

The connection will come back to us, Bernard.

- It all comes around. Like you say, take the long view. - Long view.

- What's the other? - We're going to find out right now. Shh.

[Woman Singing In Spanish]

- [Man] There Was a drought. - [Woman Continues]

- There Was no crop. - [Woman Continues]

No olives.

O soul of life.

O rabbit in the oven.

We mashed locusts and made bread.

I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

I thought we were going to talk about petroleum.

Mrs. Echevarria visits us once a year from Spain.

She's sort of a little treat for our clients.

A kind of spiritual petit four.

Something that would be useful for you to be accustomed to.

- Yeah, a real treat. - You have received your answer.

Senorita, the petroleum situation was not created by nature...

like the drought or the olives or any of that.

It was created by people, and this is the facts.

It was created by people who act like nothing's happening...

- and that's causing all the problems. - O, no, Tommy.

- One question only. Uno. - Okay.

- Here's the question... - o, no. I think...

You've had your question and the answer, Tommy, please. Senora is tired.

Senorita, why do people only ask themselves deep questions...

when something really bad happens?

Then they forget all about it after. Right?

How come people are self-destructive?

And third, I refuse to use petroleum...

but there's no way I can stop its use in my lifetime, is there?

Jimmy Carter would have a great electric car by now.

I could have a Cadillac Escalade, and it would be electric.

- I wouldn't have to ride on my bicycle. - That is three questions.

I paid my money and I want a fucking answer. So just give me a second.

I knoW, dear boy. We Wanted You to meet Albert.

- I thought you said next week. - It turns out he can use a connection sooner than later.

Tommy has been working with us since that...

The big September thing. He's going to be your other.

- What is it exactly? - Like a buddy system I think.

When We dismantle, it can get kind of rough. And it helps...

to have a friend going through the same.

Do you drive a car?

A bike. Sometimes I take the bus.

Good. That's good. I like that. I can see why they put us together.

- Tommy Corn. - Albert Markovski.

- I'll be your other. - [Vivian] Join us for mancala hour.

- Come. Come. Gracias, senora. - [Spanish]


- What's happening with your case? - I don't know.

- What do you mean? - They won't let me see my coincidence file.

You want them to solve a coincidence? That's why you came here?

- Yeah, that's why I came here. - Who's the girl?

The face of Huckabees.

- Tops and mops? - That's her.

- I doubt your coincidence is meaningful. - Why?

I have a book by a French thinker named Caterine Vauban.

She says the same thing they say here about dismantling your reality to see the big picture.

- What's the difference? - Here, they say everything's connected in the blanket.

Vauban says nothing's connected. It's all random and cruel. It doesn't matter what you do.

That's nihilism, Tommy!

They find it threatening. But it is very convincing.

You know, my ex-girl won't let me see my daughter.

She's brainwashing her not to think or feel.

- What kind of reality is that? - Ot this one.

Exactly. I think you shouldjust look in your file if you Want to.

- How am I gonna look at my file? - You wanna see your file?

I'll distract them. You slip in for it.

Act naturally. Here comes your boy.

Hey, you play mancala?

Didn't know you were interested in existential issues, Brad.

Why? 'Cause I'm a dumb sales executive instead of a sensitive artist like you?

O, I just never heard you talk about it. That's all.

Why do you think I joined the Open Spaces Coalition, man?

- I thought you cared about the issues. - I do.

Obviously you had a different agenda, didn't you?

- What books do you read? - What books do I read?

PhilJackson's Sacred Hoops.

Really. I read the galleys When it arrived at Huckabees, and you knoW What?

Seriously, that book's got some good questions. You should read it.

Isn't it sports questions in that book? [Laughs]

O, wise ass. PhilJackson's a smart guy. All right, come on.

It was an honest question, Brad.

Felt a little hostile. I feel the same thing from him.

- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?

You wanna go? Get out of here man.

Hey, don't be a jerk, buddy. Come on. Don't be a...

- That's funny! He pushed him! - It is not funny!

- Hey, he assaulted me, man. He tried to attack me. - Hey!

- I tried to... You're dancing with my girl. - Yeah.

- You wanna dance? - O, I don't wanna dance.

- [Bernard] Look at me. Come on. - What?

- You want to go at him, right? - Yeah.

[Brad] No, I don't Want to go. He grabbed my girl.

[Bernard] All right,you guys Wanna have a go at each other, right?

You Wanna have a go at each other. [Continues, Indistinct]

You Want to go backWards?

The reptiles have been eating each other for years.

You want to be back on all fours? Right? Primitive?

Come on.! That's spirit you Wanna keep for the battles inside.

- [Man] What are you doing? - I, um...

Bernard... The dismantling thing with the whole... You know, all the poetry stuff...

But I got it. It's no big deal. Because I got it now, okay?

[Bernard] Every relationship is possible, guys. Brothers, husbands, child.

Security breach. He broke into his file.

- [All Gasp] - What did you do, Albert?

This is my investigation noW.!

You think you knoW What you're doing? You haven't even begun...

to dismantle your identity or your fear.

Albert's gotta do what he's gotta do. Anybody think they know better?

- Want to take a shot? - [Albert] It's my coincidence.

[Tommy ] Nobody? Yeah, nobody.

Sorry I grabbed you.

- [Vivian] Reptilian. - Man, come on.



- Hey, is that him there? - Yeah, that's him.

- Hey. - My goodness, it is you.

Yeah, it's me Albert. How are you? This is my friend Tommy.

Hey. Tommy Corn. How are you?

- This is the fourth coincidence? - O, I came here on purpose.

I was wondering about our coincidences and what they mean.

We were just wondering if we spent time, maybe try to understand it.

- Perhaps you can be my guests for dinner. - That would be great, huh?

- Yeah, that'd be great. - Wait here. I must ask my mom.

Guys, guys.! My ball.! My ball.!

[Girl's Voice] Thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses...

as We forgive those Who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. Forever and ever, Amen.

[All] Amen.

Steven, how'd you end up working as a doorman?

It is our immigration agreement. We must work.

The building supervisor hired Steven as a member of our congregation.

- He was so skinny. - Skeleton man from Africa. Skeleton man...

- What did We say about that? - I don't Want to hear it again. It'll be no Internet tonight.

Didn't know what a can opener was. He opened cans with a big knife like at the camp.

There aren't lions roaming here but there were in Sudan, and the orphan boys got chased.

- And one time, a big alligator bit his friend's head off. - [Boy ] It Was a crocodile.

He wanted to know where all the meat comes from since he didn't see any cows.

[Man] Guys, that's enough.!

Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?

[Albert] You mean the existential detectives?

- Sounds like a support group. - Why can't he use a church?

Sometimes people have additional questions to be ansWered.

- Like what? - Well, um, for instance...

If the forms of this world die, which is more real...

the me that dies or the me that's infinite?

Can I trust my habitual mind or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?

Sounds like We got a philosopher.

We don't have to ask those kinds of questions, do We, Mom?

- O, honey. - What happened to the cat, Albert?

H-How'd you know about my cat?

- The cat was killed by curiosity. - Right. That cat.

- What do you do? - I'm the director of the Open Spaces Coalition.

- We fight suburban sprawl. - What's suburban sprawl?

Ask Steven. He could have used a little suburban sprawl in Sudan.

Excuse me, dad?

Industry, houses, jobs, restaurants, medicine...

You can preserve a lot of open spaces and have jobs for people with...

- I beg your pardon, Albert. I wasn't finished. - Sorry, sir.

Clothes, videos, toys, cheeseburgers, cars, a functioning economy.

You can still have a functioning economy and preserve open spaces With a little planning.

- Yeah. - Socialism. Complete disaster.

- Theodore Roosevelt was a socialist? And Yeats? - Theodore Roosevelt...

Henry david Thoreau, Robinson Jeffers, the ational Geographic Society, all socialists?

- You're talking about socialism. - O, I'm not. I'm talking about...

not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls...

until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.

- What happens in the meadow at dusk? - Everything.

- Othing! - Everything!

- It's beautiful. - It's beautiful.

I Work for an electrical engineering firm, son.

We do a lot of commercial and residential contracts.

If development stops, so does my paycheck.

Then Steven couldn't be here as our guest, could he? So your ideas hurt Steven.

I'm not hurting Steven. That's an outrageous accusation.

- Don't use that tone of voice in my house. - I think you started that tone.

And I think it's entirely possible for your engineering firm to have jobs for people...

preserve open spaces, have contracts, do the...

[Boy Laughs] Whoa.

[Boy Laughs] Whoa.

- What's he doing? - Why's he closing his eyes?

[Whispering] Cricket, I don't know.

- Do you have a job, Tom? - I'm a firefighter.

Oh, God bless you. A hero.

I'm not a hero. We'd all be heroes if we quit using petroleum though.

- Excuse me? - Say you're Christians living byJesus' principles. Are you?

Jesus is never mad at us if We live With him in our hearts.

I hate to break it to you, but he is. He most definitely is.

All right. That's enough. Steven, I don't know what this is about. Why they're here...

- Sorry, Mom. Sorry, dad. I did not know. - Stevo, I'm so disappointed.

It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad.

I'm sorry, Stevo. My bad. You didn't knoW.

- You should be ashamed of yourself. - I should be What?

- You should be ashamed of yourself. - Why should I be ashamed?

- You're a hypocrite. - I'm a What?

You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man.

- How am I the destroyer? - I saWthat S.U. V. Out there.

My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?

Steven, I need to ask a question. It's why I came here.

Why are autographs so important to you?

It is a pastime with this family which they have taught me.

- Which I can now carry on. - [Woman] It's just for fun.

- [Game Beeping] - For entertainment. No games at the table, please.

Yes. 260. And I've reached the omega level.

[Tommy ] Destroyer. Destroyer. Destroyer.

God gave us oil.! He gave it to us.! HoWcan God's gift be bad?

He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty good...

I want you sons of bitches out of my house now.

If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.

You're the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!

You did. But hoWdid Sudan happen, ma'am?

Could it possibly be related to dictatorships...

that we support for some stupid reason?

- You shut up! You get out. - You shut up. Come on. Let's get out of here.

- Later, Steve. - God bless you.

- Wow. - What's going on in there?

- Crazy. - I can't believe them.

- Hi, guys. - Oh, Christ.

[Albert] You guys get anything good in there? You didn't, did you?

You hesitated over the mention of a cat. What does that mean?

- It means nothing. Just like my coincidence. - Cat seemed to hit a nerve.

Yeah, I had a cat once. You caught me. You're amazing.

The method worked. I saw it. It seemed to calm you down, right?

What method? Come on With that method.

That's a tranquilizer so people don't get pissed...

about the painful, ugly truth... you know it.

O, Tommy. It penetrates a unified infinity of everything.

We're not in infinity. We're in the suburbs.

Infinity is everywhere. That's what makes it infinity.

Okay, hoWdoes this connect? Mr. Nimieri's an orphan from Sudan...

who was chased by soldiers and crocodiles.

- How does the love glow fit into that, man? - It's connected.

Albert and Mr. Imieri share a great deal. It's just that...

- Oh! Oh, my God. - [Vivian] What's she doing here?

[Tommy ] That's Caterine.

- This is worse than I thought. - Oh, it's much worse.

The meeting's going down at Huckabees right now. Let's go.

- [Clamoring] - Hey, everybody. Calm down.

The national office recognizes the charter.

We're here today to give the director a chance to even the keel.

- So just give him a break. - Thank you, Orrin.

- Okay, first director now. Silence. - Excuse me.

First, I would like to apologize for my part of the fight...

that I had with Brad Stand a little while ago over the poems...

that did not go out with the Shania mailing.

- Where's Brad? - Brad. Brad. Brad. It's all Brad, Brad.

The big benefit's coming up with Brad...

and Brad's running it and it's going to go great.

So, look, We're overlooking our core issues.

- [Woman] Brad is not here. - So to get us back on track...

I have a new poem I'd like to read.

[Angela] Point of order, please. Apoint of order.

I want to discuss this strategy of poems, which are getting us nowhere.

Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am. Poems are amazing, okay?

They will help you and your mind transform.

[Angela] Who the hell are you?

I'm with Albert. It will help you...

to transform your mind into thinking differently.

- You guys need this, okay? This is great. - Where's Brad?

This is called 'An Open MeadoW. "

"An open meadow, an open marsh in a cloudless sky.

- [Girl] Boring. - A crane flies."

- Oh, Brad's here.! - [Brad] Look What I got you, MaryJane.

- Oh, is that for my grandson? - It most certainly is.

I'm talking here. Come on. Shit.

You know what? Let me just finish reading my poem...

and then we'll review our strategy, okay?

- Good job, Albert. - Can it be taped?

Excuse me, Brad. I would like to finish reading my poem, please. Thank you.

- Relax. Ot doing your poem. - Don't give me the relax thing, Brad.

Let him read the poem, man. He was in the middle of it.

That man is not in our coalition. He has no right to be here and no right to speak.

O, ma'am, I'm not a member, but I am a local firefighter.

He's a great firefighter and exactly who we want on our side.

I don't know who these men are. They're not members of our coalition.

They're working on the benefit. They're bringing a lot of support for our cause.

- Conflict is an illusion. - Shut up, Brad.

Hey, Albert, that's not the way a director behaves.

Why are you guys Wasting all Your time fighting each other?

I mean, come on. Serious. Put the egos aside for a second, guys, please.

Deal with this issues, okay. We have a deadly petroleum situation, not to mention...

- [Group Booing, Hissing] - Shut up! Shut...

- [Mouths Words] - Cystic Fibrosis. Civil war in Africa.

Toxic fish. You have children in your own community going to prison.

Father Flavin doesn't have the money to help them.

Ma'am, listen to me.

This is exactly the unfocused, idealistic approach...

- by Mr. Markovski that's killing us dead. - [Applause]

Killing us dead. Our mission has nothing to do...

with this nut's petroleum fixation.

- What did you just call me? - Cystic toxic what?

America wants to drive cars, right? I have a B.M.W. S.U.V.

And I like driving it. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. You got to give me a chance, all right?

- This is my meeting. I'm the director. - We gave you a chance.

- You're out of the charter. - He can't be out of the charter. He is the charter.

- I wrote it. - Marty, call security. I think you should call...

- I move to vote. - Second!

All in favor of Brad becoming the new leader of the coalition, say aye.

- [Group] Aye.! - Hey, come on.

- That's bullshit. - Congratulations.

Be strong. Be strong 'cause you're going to be back.

Don't worry about those people. They don't appreciate you.

Albert, what happened in there is reality.

It's cruelty and it's chaos. The detectives are wrong. What were you trying to do?

You were trying to do a good thing, right? Well, look what happened.

I'm going to the other side, Albert. I seriously suggest...

you consider coming with me... as my other.

- Albert... - You're wrong!

- You're full of shit. You guys got nothing to offer, man. - Tommy, no...

- This is the money right now. Yes? - No.!

You know how hurt you feel? This is the perfect opportunity to dismantle now.

- Stay away from me! - Stop! Look! Listen! Throughout infinity...

your energy recycles into every possible relation...

to everyone else's energy, even Brad's.

You've been predator and prey With him.

Friends, enemies, brother, sister, mother, child.

I give and I give and I give...

and he takes and he takes and he takes.

- Mama. - All right, baby. All right.

- Yahhh! - It's a romantic fantasy.

And you left that part out, okay?

When you were taking my cash. I want it back.

Yeah, and if I wasn't pro bono, I'd want my money back too.

Send it to my ex for my kids.

- Hey, sign your bike out. Sign your bike out! - Tommy, come on!

Go! I'll block for you.


Cocksucker! Motherfucking bitch ass motherfucking cocksucker!

You're all a bunch of big babies!

Maybe I should just quit. I mean, what's the point of life anyway?

I can answer these questions for you.

You can? Because I don't think the other guys are doing such a hot job.

Believe me, I can.

You're the writer Tommy's into?

Are you unhappy with their work?

Yeah, I'm ready to cross over to your side.

- Tell me about your case. - Well, you seem to be following me pretty closely.

- Why don't you tell me about it? - You are miserable.

Obsessed with your strange coincidence.

Yeah. Yeah, but they just want to talk about Brad Stand.

They betrayed you, as he did.

- That's right. - Betrayal embodies the universal truth you seek.

What truth?

Cruelty, manipulation...



- Did they follow you? - O. I lost them on Route 4.

- Thanks for helping me out back there. - O problem.

Glad you're here, Albert. This is the place to be.

Once you realize the universe sucks, you got nothing to lose.

- That's what gives you la force. - The force?

- La force. It's French for strength. - La force.

You guys got a method here?

Yeah. Deconstruct your mind to the blackness, okay?

Just accept it for what it is. Othing.

There's no glowing guys, no infinite mothers. One of that bullshit.

My coincidence is meaningless, isn't it?

Think, Albert. Have You betrayed yourself?

[Albert] Wait a second. What are We doing here?

- I don't want to go to this building. Stop! - [Tommy ] Trust her, Albert.

- This is for you. - Oh, thank you.

- Hey, hey, hey. What did she give you? - O, stay away from me.

- I don't want to talk to you. - Thanks, Steven.

- Well, this is a rare occasion. - Where is she?

- Who? - Caterine.

- Who's Caterine? - The woman who's spying on me. Where is she?

I don't think this is funny.

Oh, God, here we go again. What's happening?

He's just making a joke on me.

- Are you making fun of your mother? - O.

Why can't you get along with her?

- So, how's your poetry job? - I got fired from it.

Oh, couldn't even hold down a poetry job.

- [Man] Brenda, What the hell did you do? - I didn't touch it.

Bullshit! I have this programmed on my favorite stations on a timer.

Can I please have some time with my son?

I want to show him an article I have here on marketing internship. You see this?

- That's great, Mom. It's right up my alley. - But it is. It's a new hot...

- I sent this to you. Why don't you ever listen to me... - Have you seen this system?

State of the art. We got speakers all through the house.

- But listen to this. - [Country]

- [Ends] - It'll be easier to talk now.

- Where did she come from? - What's going on?

- See, I wasn't making a joke. - What's her name?

I would like to discuss some curious findings.

- Who is this lady? - I found here in your apartment...

a rather troubling piece of evidence.

- [Brenda] What evidence? - Do you recognize the handwriting, Mr. Markovski...

- excuse me, Mr. Silver? - [Albert] This is silly. Let's go.


- I Wanna go. - Could you please read the date for me?

"Ovember 17, 1989." Albert was nine. This is his journal.

Would you mind reading this out loud?

- O. - Please.

This stuff doesn't matter. Let's go.

Oh, my God.

"I came home from school. Mom was in the kitchen with a strange lady.

"Mom told me to go back to my room. I thought I was in trouble.

"She closed my door and said, "Purree got hit by a car and killed.'

'And then she took me back to the lady in the kitchen...

'and told me to spell Words to shoWhoWI'm a good speller.

'I said I had to go to the bathroom.

'I climbed out the WindoW. I Went doWn the block.

'I saWBarney playing punch ball. He said I look sad.

"I told him what happened to my cat. He said, "That's sad.'

"Then I cried, but I tried not to show. Some of the kids laughed.

Barney said he cried when his dog died. And the kids stopped laughing."

His cat died. He was sad. What's your point?

- Othing strikes you as odd? - See? It's nothing. Let's go.

[Chuckling] These things happen.

Oui. C'est vrai. The universe is cruel.

But tell me this, Mrs. Silver, this lady you gave the coffee to...

Was Helen's sister. I don't remember her name. I met her the once.

Was there some painful thing about this stranger...

that required your immediate attention?

O. Helen wasn't home, so I offered her sister a cup of coffee.

But you agree that Purree meant a great deal to Albert?

[Chuckles] You can't make a federal case out of the cat.

Answer the question, please.

I don't know much about the cat. I traveled a lot for work.

We're not talking about this anymore. It's embarrassing me.

- [Caterine] Precisely the point. - [Brenda] What?

You were embarrassed for feeling sad about the death of your cat.

It's painful enough to feel sad, but on top of it...

to feel embarrassed for feeling, that is the killer.

How is that my fault? I didn't tell him to be embarrassed.

But you did. It was more important to have a cup of coffee...

With a perfect stranger than to talk to Albert...

- about What for a small boy is a large tragedy. - This is ridiculous.

He climbed out his WindoW, a criminal in his oWn house.

- Why? - I don't know.

- I think you do. - I don't.

- Yes, you do. - Oh, stop it!

- I think you should go. - O, I will not go.

Albert has a place here, a place you have denied.

This is my home. I can tell him what I want.

- Yes,your home is a lie. - What does that mean? I gave my life to this selfish bas...

So he could be an ornament to you, not a person.

- [Doorbell Rings] - God, What are you, a bitch?

You're a bitch. HoWmany kids do you have, bitch?

Listen. Listen. This is your mother.



- You asked me to come up here? - What does the doorman have to do with this?

He was orphaned by civil war. You were orphaned by indifference.

This is but one part of your puzzle. Do you see?

- [Machine Clicks] - [Rock]

Oh, noWthe timer's all fucked up. Brenda.!

Gee, is it that hard? Go ahead and do it.

- All I'm gonna do is listen... - I spent what? I spent $2,000 on this?

I wanna listen to a radio!

I wanna listen to a radio!

[Elevator Dings]

Thanks. We'll meet you later by the rock.

I'm sorry, man. I need, like, a minute to figure this out.

- She had to get you to see. - See what?

You were trained to betray yourself right here.

That's why you betrayed yourself by going to Brad.

Why didn't you figure this out? Why didn't you bring me here?

Because you lied to us. You told us that the African guy...

was the... the doorman at your friend's building, not at your parents' building.

You encrypted the truth. That's how good you are at betraying yourself.

- Right. - I told you that he wasn't ready for infinity.

- Don't start with that magic blanket bullshit, okay? - It's not magic.

It's just the way things are. You and me and the air are actually tiny particles...

that are swirling around together.

- Look right here. You see? - Okay. But look at the cracks...

between these particles and the cracks we fall through, the holes of nothingness.

- Exactly. Because that's what I just experienced upstairs. - Look closer.

There are tiny particles connecting the larger cubes.

Yeah, and then tinier cracks between the connections.

- And even tinier connections. - And even tinier cracks.

Yeah, but if you look close enough, you can't tell where my nose ends...

and space begins, because they're unified.

- See? - So what? You can't see any of this anyway!

- Do you see anything? - O.

But I want to debate this particle cube thing.

You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you?

- You can't see radio waves, but you accept them. - Trust.

- Fuck trust! - You better stay away from Caterine, Albert...

'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness.

She was our prize graduate student till she went astray.

I think that I am gonna stay with her, the cracks, the pain, the nothingness...

because that's more real to me, that's what I feel.

- Word. - Okay. We're not sweatin' it.

- O, we're gonna work with Brad. - It'll all come back to you...

- and interconnection. - Brad? Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna work on that prick, and it's all gonna come back to pain and no connection!

- O. - It's on.

- [Sighs] - We'll see.

We'll see.

Ooh, damn.

Come on.

Oh, shit. Fuck.


Oh, look at this. Kafka.

- He's planting garbage for us. - Kafka.

- Kafka. - Look at that. So fishy.

- [Voices On Headphones] - Ooh, she found his poem.

Oh, this is good. I was hoping for a break like this.

- [Brad] don't go in my den. - Whoa. Whoa.

- I'm not unhappy to be with you! - Let me see this!

"Putting on a show. Can't say no.

Inside I'm drowning, sighing and frowning."

That doesn't sound very happy to me. Does it sound very happy to you?

I only wrote "frowning" to rhyme with "drowning."

- Then why did you need "drowning"? - To rhyme with "frowning."

- There... There's nothing in it. - What does that mean? Look!

And why do they have to go through our yard and go through the garbage?

- [Clicks] - What is he doing? Stop that.

Why is he sniffing my blouse?

Perspiration levels indicate stress, and that's kind of high.

- [DaWn Sighs] - Brad signed a rather comprehensive contract...

alloWing unfettered access to your home.

Well, it's my home too, and I didn't sign anything.

You're going to have to work that out with Brad.

The mortgage is in his name, and you're not married.

- [Gasps] - Are these from this year?

Last year. We Went to Saint Bart's.

- What about this year? - We didn't take a trip this year.

- How come? - Too busy. A lot of work.

- Too busy to go have fun? - Hon... Honey, why are you involved with this?

- You don't believe in therapy. - O, see, I don't see this as therapy.

I'm proactive. These people are action oriented.

It's like the company retreats at Hilton Head. Remember?

- O, hey. Get out of there. Hey! Hey! - O. Ow, unfettered access.

- Remember last year, the trust thing? The paragliding? - A quick look at your label.

- It's just like that. - O, it's not like that! This is...

Actually it is. O, it is. Everything will end up nice.

It seemed like they were helping Albert. They can help me.

Help the Open Spaces. Help Huckabees.

- What are you talking about? - He did mention that in his application...

that he felt exhausted from having to constantly charm everyone...

but doesn't see any alternative because...

"You need to get people to like you to be successful to get things done in this world."

- End quote. - Duh. Brad likes to be charming. It comes naturally.

I only put those things in the garbage as a joke.

- Yeah, see? That's funny. - [Bernard] Back door Way to charm.

That's joking as a disguised request for approval.

That's saying, 'Joke, " but really love me.

- Joke, love me. - Ms. Campbell, how have you felt about being pretty?

- Oh, please. I don't think of myself as being that pretty. - [Indistinct]

Yes, that's changed at Huckabees, but, you know...

I was never the pretty girl.

- Really? - No.

I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.

- How's the sex? - How is the sex?

- The sex? - Come on, guys. Come on. That's private.

- That's gross. - A preliminary surveillance...

indicates it's been infrequent and short... eight to nine minutes...

- typically. - Surveillance? You watched us?

- O, just listened. - [Brad] So,your surveillance is Wrong.

Yeah. It's quantity, not quality.

- What? - She meant quality, not quantity.

- I knoW. I Was onlyjoking. - Were you joking...

- when you said quantity and not quality? - In regards to sex?

- We're not gonna discuss this. - We're private about...

- our seven minutes of heaven. - It's longer than that.

Eight minutes of heaven! It's not quality, it's quantity!

[ Laughing]

- You oughta see her after a couple margaritas. - Oh, my God! I'm crying.

- Honey... - What is it?

Why did you have to write this poem? How come we can't discuss these things ourselves?

Where is this relationship going, huh?

Why is marriage and kids so important? There's an overpopulation problem.

- [Bernard] Whoa. - [Gasps]

- That came out of left field. - All right.

Why is having children the ultimate performance for successful people? Why?

Well, it doesn't have to be a performance.

You know, we don't have to have kids.

We could just, you know, think about it, or not.

Could just be ourselves, Jet Skiing, whatever.

This is not why I hired you.

Then why did you hire them?

- Well, I have a meeting. - [Doorbell Ringing]

Oh. There it is.

[Door Opening, Closing]

- [DaWn] Would you like some tea? - [Bernard] With a little lemon.

So, I've never really done anything like this before.

Um, where... where would we start?

Ow. Ow.

- Did you get it? - Yeah.

I did. I felt it.

It's hard to describe.

Very, very good. Your turn.

[Sighs] Ow.

- Ot so hard. - Sorry.

Ow. Ow. Ow.


Did you get it?

Yeah, you stop thinking.

Yes. It's fantastic.

It's like I'm here, but I'm not...

So, I'm not here. It-It's just...

I... I... I don't know. Do it one more time.

It's like I'm a rock or a dish of mold.

I'm whatever else is around. So I'm free to just exist.

This is the answer. We just have to be this all day, every day.

- That's the answer. - Yes.

- Do it again. Do it again. - NoW.

Careful, my young students...

you cannot stay in this state all day.

- Why not? - Yeah, why not?

It is inevitable that you are drawn back into human drama.

Desire, suffering... everything that exists in this imperfect world.

- Shit. - So we get drawn back into human drama...

and how important we think that is.

Then we do crazy stuff. We have to go back to the ball...

so we can get the freedom of being like a... like a dish of mold.

Yes. And then back to the drama, the suffering.

- It's kind of a crappy deal. - C'est exactement Ca.

An absurd theatrical we must play out, back and forth...

from pure being to human suffering.

But isn't the drama and suffering less if we do the ball thing every day?

Don't call it "the ball thing." Call it "pure being."

Doesn't the pure being, ball thing make the day-to-day suffering easier?

- Yeah. - O, it doesn't.

You're wrong. We're gonna do this every day.

- We'll show you. It'll make it easier. - I'll prove it to you.

Human drama is inevitable.

Suffering cannot be diminished. You cannot escape, Tommy.

You'll see. Existence is a cruel joke...

that entices in a form of desire.

- Absurd theater of desire. - I know, buddy, it hurts. It's painful.

- Wait here. - Where you goin'?

To meditate on desire and suffering.

- Can I come? - O.


I'll see you in a little bit. We'll do more, um, pure being? Pain...

I hope so.

Don't fucking leave me.




[Brad] You look ugly.! No, no, no.

- Hold up. - O. O.

- O, go back inside. - Can I have my car keys?

You can't keep coming to Work if you dress like that.

Me and daryl made some spots Marty's gonna love.

These are the best tops around.

Last time, last year, not so good.

But now, this is the truth.

Marty's gonna hate them, DaWn.

- He's gonna hate them. - There's glass between us.

You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?

That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

We've talked about your intimacy problem. What's the core of it?

Intimacy is combo of infinites.

I'm definitely gonna have an intimacy problem with you if you keep dressing like that.

- Well, it's only been a week. - One day is too much.

The people at the office are freaking out.

You could get free, Brad, but you think you have to be Superman in control.

And that means you are the source instead of part of the infinite.

- And that makes it too hard for us, baby. - Stop talking to me like that.

- You hired the detectives. - You don't have to listen to every word they say.

- How am I supposed to know which parts to listen to? - I'll tell you.

- O, that's confusing. - [Engine Starting]

- Take that off. Take it off. - O. Can I have my car keys, please?

- Give me my glasses. - O.

- Give me my glasses. - You give me my car keys.

- O. - Yes.

You stay at home. Till you dress normal...

you don't come to work.

Trees and bees...

- Hey, Daryl, Where are you? - [Daryl] Hi, honey.

- DaWn, this is Heather. - Hey, I'm Heather.

- Let's do it. - Let's make a commercial.

- I'm a really big fan of yours. - Well, thanks.

- It's so weird to meet my voice. - Welcome to the family.

What? This script only has my lines, and I don't see another character here.

- I told you,you are the trademark voice of Huckabees. - So...

- Right. So What's the problem? - She's the voice.

- I'm the face. - Go, Heather.

- Girl,you could...[ Laughing] - Yeah, yeah.

All this, and brains too.

Son of a bitch, daryl!

- They want me back in a bikini? - [Screams]

- Dawn, please. - Wake up, pretty girl.

- The joke's on you! The joke is on you! - Ow! Ow!

- O, stop. - Don't look at me. I just want to be left alone.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you all looking at me.

Look at me. Please, please, please, everybody.

Everybody look at me now. I am so pretty. I am so pretty. Look at me.

Everybody just wants to be me. I'm pretty.

- Shania's on the stage. We've got the executives here... - That's great.

Working their way back to the, uh, lesser donators.

Right. Well, When We did the Garth benefit in Dallas...

- we put the $10,000 donors up here. - WoW, Garth.

Was that Garth Garth, or Chris Garth?

- That's classic Garth. The best. - Classic Garth costs.

Yeah, so, when we did the Garth benefit in dallas, that's what we...

Where's Marty? Where is he?

Have you even seen my commercials?

- Have you? I'm doing this for you. - Oh, my God.

- They're your detectives, and they gave me this truth. - Wow. Utty.

Do you understand? There's glass between us!

Don't look at me like that.!


- Hey, hey. Hey... - There you are, Marty.

- Why don't you like my spots? - Honey, this look is hurting you, and it's hurting Huckabees.

- This is myself. - Then you won't speak at the benefit as yourself.

- That is not Huckabees. - I am still Huckabees.

- Ot in that bonnet. - It's in my eyes, Marty.

It's like that story of the cave.

What in God's name is happening to you?

We trusted you. We took care of you. We made you into a national icon.

Pulled you out of a mall. Eh, you've been given everything by Huckabees.

- Fuck-a-bees! - Ooh.

- Wow, wow, wow. - Bradley, there's board members here.

- She's knocking on the glass... - That's not gonna look too good for a new corporate guy.

- What? I got corporate? - You got corporate.

- I got corporate? - Yeah, you got corporate. Ow go and contain her.

All right? She said, "Fuck-a-bees."

- Yeah. - She said fuck...

What are you doing?

What are you doing to us?

I'm in my tree. I'm talking to the dixie Chicks...

and they're making me feel better.

Well, I think the dixie Chicks would like you to know that I just got promoted.

- What? - V.P. For public affairs.

I got corporate, dawn.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this. It's for the greater good.

I went to the detectives to shake Albert out of the coalition.

- I admit that. - This doesn't make sense.

Sweetheart, you're mixing yourself up.

Listen, you're mixing it all up.

- [Crying] Wait a second. - Huh.

Do you even care about the marsh and the woods?

Yes, I care about the marsh and the woods. Albert was not gonna save 'em his way.

You don't go through the back door with a poem and a bonnet.

You go through the front door with a tie, and you own the marsh and the woods.

That's how you're gonna save 'em.

- Let's celebrate. - Mm-hmm.

- You want some new clothes? - Yeah.

- I'll get you whatever you want. What do you need? - I don't know.

- Pedicure? - Yeah, but do I have to be pretty all the time?

Well, you know, you have a choice.

But, no, it's not a choice. I do have to be pretty.

Well, I'm pretty sure the Dixie Chicks Would Want you to spread your love...

here where you can at Huckabees.

Right. That's good.

You know what? You got Albert fired.

Stay positive. Bermuda. Jet Skis. Pina coladas. All right?

- Yeah. - When you leave the office, will you go through the back door?

Okay? 'Cause you don't look so good today.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.


Hey, Tom, Tom.

Go for it, man.

[Speaking French]

The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time. They will be destroyed.

So will the marsh. It is a losing game...

mankind has played for more than a century.

Sadness is what you are. Do not deny it.

The universe is a lonely place, a painful place.

This is what we can share between us, period.

[Brad And DaWn] Whoa.!



What are you doing?

You told me you were done with this stupid method.

- Why can't I do it? - Because it is a fantasy.

- Do you want to lead a fake life? - You don't have to get so threatened.

- I can mix your thing with their thing. - O, you can't!

- Why not? - Because they are completely different.

And theirs is a lie. For the last time, forget the tree fantasy.

And as for Brad, you must do to him for real...

- what he did to you, and... - [Knocking]

You ditched me. First my family, and noWyou guys.

- She's my teacher too, Albert. - And she's still your teacher, Tom.

O. It's all different now.

I thought we were a platonic trio, not some sick sex dance.

You said that was bullshit.

Learn from this, Tommy. Painful truth.

I Warned you...human drama.

Is that why you're doing this, to teach me?

- Yeah, is that why you're doing this, to teach him? - Of course it is.

There are unique moments when two people share the deep sorrow of existence.

All right. That's what I wanted to hear.

- HoWcan you believe that bullshit? - T-Tom... Tom, I'm sorry.

This just happened. I've never done anything like this before.

- We could still be... You can still be my other, right? - Shut up, Albert.

I brought you here. I Wanted to share la force With you, and you ruined it.

- You fell in love. - [Caterine] Do not defile it With cliche.

- It is unnameable. - Yeah? Well, I reject unnameable!


It leaves me out!

Where is your pure being noW, Tommy? I told you.

I'm just gonna accept my loneliness.

And I'm gonna go to an even darker place of nothingness.

From an even farther, more extreme nothingness on my own!

- Who needs you guys? - [Caterine] Ahh, sublime.

Hey, Welcome. You like my neWoffice?

- Let's start with the method. - Let's start with the method.

- We'd like to discuss... - We'd like to discuss...

- Okay. What are you doing? - Okay. What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - [Chuckling] I'm jokin' around, guys.

But seriously, I want to quit the process with you.

Othing personal. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm over it.

- You can't quit until the case is over. - Ah, I can fire you.

- O, you can't. - O, you can't.

- Sure I can. - O, you can't.

Paragraph 201. "Either client nor detective...

"may terminate case prior to resolution as defined by paragraph 314, subclause "d'...

- which states..." - That's not binding.

- Oh, it's binding. - I'll find a lawyer.

- Oh? - Or maybe even go to the FBI. How about that?

- Go ahead. - Oh, I will. I'm not kidding.

O, Brad, this is how it works. You go to the police.

You... You tell them that you went to the existential detectives.

They ask Why. You say, 'For personal reasons. "

Or, maybe you wanted to work the politics at your corporation...

- by rattling Albert Markovski. - I never told you that.

- Well, give us a little credit. - The police go to Huckabees.

They talk to them. The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand...

has weird existential issues.

- Or he fakes them. - Which is odd.

Which is worse. And your girlfriend, the voice of Huckabees...

- is dressing like an Amish bag lady. - Okay, I get it.

You know, Brad, suddenly your star isn't rising anymore. It's sinking.

- Okay. I said I get it, Bernie. Relax. - Passive-aggressive.

- Shut up. - Aggressive-aggressive.

- Does dawn want to quit? - DaWn's into this crap for real...

which is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Shall We get back to the case?

All right. What you got on me? Othin'.

Our staff did a little field work in, uh, Cleveland.

- What? Talk to my family? - [Vivian] Mommy and daddy look aWesome.

- So do you. But this guy. - Wha... Ah, he doesn't look too good.

- You bastards. - [Bernard] He doesn't look too good, does he, Brad?

How could you do this? [Sniffing]




Are you kidding me? He weighs 250. He t... He talks about geckos all the time.

- What's the point? - I thought he was a sweet, sensitive young man.

Oh, excuse me. You... You spoke to my fat, sad brother?

- Yes, Brad, on the phone. - Indeed, I did, at length.

Well, if he's so sensitive, why doesn't he lose 70 pounds and stop talking about geckos.

- Maybe he'll find some friends. - Well,your brother feels that you're ashamed ofhim.

Are you sympathetic to him?

- Are you kidding me? I gave him a car. - [Bernard] Mm-hmm.

- I send him shirts. - Mm-hmm.

I... Look.

Here, guys. Geckos.

And I keep 'em.

I'm a pretty good older brother.

[Vivian] He Wishes you Would listen to him more.

About what, geckos?

I... I don't have all the answers.

But maybe he should listen to me more and learn a little.

[Vivian] You have several stories that You like to tell over and over and over.

Ohh. Oh-ho. That's not... Come on. That's a lie.

- I... I'm not boring like him. - Like the mayonnaise story. The mayo story.

[Vivian's Voice] May 18, sales meeting.

[Brad's Voice] Shania's there, you know, promoting her apparel, right?

- [Man Chuckles] - It's 4:00. She's starving.

She hates mayonnaise, right? Allergic to it.

So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. Back then that's all she's eating.

- Tuna fish. No mayo, darling. - [People Laughing]

[Vivian's Voice] June 5, driving range.

[Brad's Voice] Nojoke. We gave her a chicken salad sandWich once...

she threWup in the back of the limo.

[Vivian's Voice] June 30, the lake.

[Brad's Voice] Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

It's 4::00, and she's starving. She's a busy lady.

I order a ton of tuna fish sandWiches. That's all she's eating back then, tuna fish.

[Vivian's Voice] July 9, Flight 2 7 to Chicago.

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4::00. She's starving.

The lady hates chicken salad. Gave it to her once, she threWup.

- August 1 7, conference call. - Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

No mayo. She hates it. And she cannot eat chicken salad. That's nojoke.

September 3, in traffic, Your cell phone.

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? Back then that's all she's eating, tuna fish.

No mayo. I eat tWo of the sandWiches in front ofher.

She noWeats one and a half. NoWshe believes me.

She eats one and a half sandWiches before she realizes it's chicken salad.

[Tape Player Stops]

[Tape ReWinding]

[Vivian] Why do you think that You tell the mayo story so much?

- I don't know. Why? - [Bernard] It's propaganda.

- For mayonnaise? - For you.

Specifically, you're so impressive because you know Shania.

And you're so strong, because you pull one on her.

- You're a funny guy, a good guy. - Keeping everyone laughing...

so that maybe, quote, You don't get depressed.

Well, what's so great about depression?

Nothing. Unless it holds the key...

to something you compulsively avoid...

so it will never be examined or felt...

hence your behavior becomes repetitive like the story.

- Like the story. - Like the story.

- Like the story. Like the story. - Like the story.

Shut up.

All right. I don't have to tell stories.

What do you think Would happen if you didn't tell the stories?

- Are you being yourself? - How am I not myself?

- 'HoWam I not myself?" - Myself.

- Myself. - "How am I not myself?"

- How am I not myself? - [Bernard] 'HoWam I not myself?"

- How am I not myself? - 'HoWam I not myself?"

How am I not myself?

How am I not myself?

[Together] How am I not myself?

[Whispered Voice] HoWam I not myself? HoWam I not myself?

HoWam I not myself? HoWam I not myself?

HoWam I not myself? HoWam I not myself?

- HoWam I not myself? - [Woman] Bradley?

She's starving. She's a busy lady.

I order a ton of tuna fish sandWiches. That's all she Was eating back then, tuna fish.

- No mayo... - Hey, Bradley, hoWdo you like the corporate men's room?

Freakin'aWesome, man.

- [Sighs] - [Marty ] Hey, Brad,you Want to hear something funny?

The Dundalee Cups are bloWin'out in the Sunbelt franchises.

HoW's that for super Weird? That's a good thing to bring to the table today.

Right? You arejust What the doctor ordered, my friend.

- Right? - Right on.

Well, let's go, dude. I'm gonna introduce you to the board of directors, my friend.

- John, what did Legal say? - Jerry?

- We have a legal problem. - Well, I disagree.

Give him the Salmon Stripper, call it the Bass Basher. They don't read English anyway.

- Just call it "Tuna Tornado." - There you go. Legal can cover that.

Speaking of Shania and tuna, Brad has the most incredible story.

- Go ahead, Brad. - There's a Bass Basher in Japan? What's that about?

- Well, We've got a trademark issue in Japan. - You got a legal problem?

L-Let's hear the Shania story. I mean, that's what they wanna hear.

- Yeah, come on, tell the Shania story. - Come on, Brad.

I don't want to tell that story.

- What? - I don't want to tell that story, Marty.

Come on. You and Shania are downtown in the loop in Chicago.

You're opening up the store. Shania, she all of a sudden, she gets...

- She gets... - Hungry.

- Really hungry. Right. And so,you order... - Tuna sandwiches.

- Yeah, tuna fish. - [Woman] I thought she Was a vegetarian.

You order tuna fish, okay, but you realize that she's allergic to...

- Marty, no. - She's allergic... Yes.

Come on. She's allergic to What?

- [Retching] - [Board Members Gasping]

Why don't you and me go outside and have a... have a talk? Come on.

- I'll be back in five. - [Man] Five minutes?

- [Man] Is he gonna put a bonnet on? - Be right back.

[Man] What the fuck Was that?

[O Audible dialogue]


[O Audible dialogue]

[Bell Ringing]

- You're gonna get on the truck like everybody else. - Get on the bike.

- Truck! Truck! - Bike.

[Man On P.A.] Engine Company 54, stand by.

- [Siren Wails] - I'm free as a bird!

You're just sittin' in your gas guzzlers.

- So long, suckers! - [Horn Honking]

[Man On P.A. Continues, Indistinct]

Where are you guys? I'm at the fire, man.


[Vocalizing Continues Over Radio]


[Mouths Words]

[Mouths Words]


[Sirens Approaching]

- [Woman] Here We are. - [Man] Pull it doWn.

Creation, destruction. Creation, destruction.

Creation, destruction. Creation, destruction.

Creation, destruction.

[Brad] Oh, ho-ho-ho, no. Oh, no.!

[Crying] Everything. My life.


- [Bernard] Oh, Brad, look at yourself. - My life.

- You're sitting in a big pile of shit. - Brad, it's okay. Believe me.

[Brad] Nothing's okay.

[Bernard] Nothing's okay, so it's okay.

- [Brad Crying] - [Bernard] You think it's bad, right...

'cause your house is burning and you might have lost yourjob?

I gotta go... I gotta go to a benefit.

Don't... Don't tell anybody.

O, tell everybody. I don't care. Tell everybody!

- Oh, maybe not. - [Bernard] Wait a second.

Oh, no, please, don't tell anybody.

You didn't see me cry.

Obody sees that picture!

- Obody sees that picture! Why did you do that? - No, no, no, no.

We didn't do this. We would never do something like this.

- [Vivian] Never. Oh, maybe sometimes. We didn't do this. - Never.

Who the hell is that lady With the camera?

- See-See...See, this isn't our thing. - That is her thing.

- We Wouldn't do it like that. - [Brad Crying]

Why did you do that to me?

All right. I'm gonna go to the benefit.

[Sniffs] Screw all you bastards.

- Brad.! - Brad.!

- Brad, we didn't do this. - She did it, Brad.

- [Car Starting] - Yes, I did.

That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do.

O, it liberated you from the Brad.

Or did it bond me to Brad in the insanity of pain...

until I saw that I'm Brad and he's me?

- [Vivian] Yes. - O.

Come on. You guys work together, don't you?

- We don't work together at all. - Really? It's not like some secret deal...

where she picks up where you leave off, and then we come back to you?

- There is no secret deal. - Well, there should be, 'cause that's the Way it Works.

You're too dark, and you're not dark enough. You three were close, right?

Maybe too close. Then it Went sour and propelled you into one extreme...

and you into another extreme.

So, voila'! Two overlapping, fractured philosophies...

were born out of that one pain.

[Gasps] Albert!

Wow. What happened to him?

I don't know.

Hi. Welcome to the Omni Hotel. Uh, We don't... We don't check bikes, sir.

- Yeah, treat it like it's a car. - It... It's not a car. It's my job.

[Recording] Tenth floor.

[Woman] Welcome to the Huckabees Open Spaces gala event.

Huckabees pledges to... [Continues, Indistinct]

Huckabees pledges to... [Continues, Indistinct]

- [Brad] Davy, come on. - Mr. Stand,you're not on the list.

- [Woman] Let's talk to Marty. - What are you calling me Mr. Stand for?

- Let me in. Marty, I'm me. I made it. - Marty, will you let Brad in?

Brad, shh. Keep him out.

- Has everybody lost their minds? - What is this shit? Come on.

- I put this together. I put this together! - I know it's tough.

Josh, I put this together.



- It's the new Miss Huckabees. - Sorry. I thought you were Shania.

Can I get Your autograph, please?

These are still the old pictures.

This is a collector's item for sure. Thank you so much.

- What's this, dawn? - Do you love me?

- I think so. - With the bonnet?


It's over, Brad.

I had a fire and almost died, and he came.

And he almost died 'cause he cares about the same things.

- And that shows there's no nothing, even when you die. - It's okay.

And he likes the bonnet.

[Man] Excuse me. We have a V.I.P. Function here.

I need to ask you guys to leave, please.

The gentleman behind the bush, you have to leave, please.

One world. One store. Huckabees, the everything store.

Shopping, nature, together.

- Did they let you in to the benefit? - I didn't even try to get in.

Brad, I thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.

I thought about hacking you up with an ax, Albert...

and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.

[Recording] Eighteenth floor.

- You going up? - [Albert] We're going doWn.

- Uh, no, I think you're going up. - Right you are. Come on in.


- Oh... Uh. - MaryJane.!

- Oh, at last. - How could you?

- How could you do that to us, you liar? - This is a Win for us. Come on.

A dexicorp mall in my grandfather's forest is not exactly a win.

And they've already started surveying to... to start construction.

- We saved the marsh. - [Albert] By giving them the Woods.

Are we going up or what?

All you did Was make Huckabees look good. That's all you did.

Albert, how can you be calm? Did you hear what Brad did?

- I'm dealing with it. - Sit with me and Shania. You'll see this is a win for us.

- Shania doesn't give a shit! - Oh, Shania cares.

- Let's go! - Shania doesn't give a shit!

- We saved the marsh... - Fuck him!

- So you sold out the Woods? - This new mall is going to be very eco-friendly.

I saved half the trees. Did I sell out the woods?

I don't know. I tried to do some good. You know, I saved half of'em.

- [Sighs] - Brad, I torched yourJet Skis.

- And my house? - No, just yourJet Skis.

It spread to the house. I'm sorry.

[Recording] Thirty- sixth floor.

- [Sighs] - You guys going down?


Who is that? You or me?

Give me...

- [Grunting, Groaning] - Ow! [Screaming]

Give me that!

[Grunting, Groaning Continue]

[Woman] Hit the alarm.

- You're only smashing yourself, Brad! - Yeah.


And now I'm smashing myself!

Ow I'm smashing myself!

- Stop it! - [Recording] TWenty- first floor.

[Together] Shania.

Brad, do you realize When they destroy the Woods...

- o, let me explain. - The average temperature of the marsh rises five degrees?

- The entire food chain is degraded, starting with frogs. - Let me explain.

Let me explain. Okay, but we saved half the woods.

I'm a vegetarian, Brad. I eat tofu tuna.

With the mayo, and you liked it.!

Shania, I'm Albert. I used to run the Open Spaces Coalition.

- She knew my name. See? - So what if she knew your name?

I was only joking, man. Come on.

Yeah, okay, I'm caught up in that shit.

- So am I. That's how I bought into you. - [Recording] Eighteenth floor.

Albert, we owe you an apology. We should've stayed with you.

Thanks, Angela. See you at the meeting on Tuesday.

We're gonna stop those bulldozers.

- Oh, my goodness. - [Brad] I don't have a job.

I don't even know who I am.

That's exactly how I felt.

Try this lady.

Ah, here he comes!

- Oh, boy. - The man-poet Who banged France's dark lady of philosophy.

The parking lot crusader of truth...

who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

I know.

- You hurt my feelings. - I'm sorry.

- But you had to do it anyway, didn't ya? - She's a very powerful person.

- And I haven't been with a lot of women. - Obviously.

And she used me to teach us about the inevitability of human drama.

So? Is that where you get off the ride?

Hell no.

I didn't think so.

- Looks like you saw some truth. - Looks like you saw some truth.

- What'd you see? - Well, the interconnection thing is definitely for real.

- It is! I didn't think it was. - I can't believe it. It's so fantastic!

- That's amazing. - I know.

But it's also nothing special.

Yeah, because it grows from the manure of human trouble.

You see, the detectives, they just wanted to gloss right over that.

But in fact, no manure, no magic.

- Did you hear some of that? - Some of it sounds pretty good.

I think...

I think this case is closed.

Is it ever really closed?


- What are you doing tomorrow? - I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer.

- Do you want to come? - What time?

Mm, 1:00, 1:30.

Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?

We always do.

Donated by SergeiK