I Wanna Hold Your Hand Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the I Wanna Hold Your Hand script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robert Zemeckis Beatles-themed movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of I Wanna Hold Your Hand. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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I Wanna Hold Your Hand Script



Hey. Mr. Sullivan.



Now, I know a lot of you are wondering

about tomorrow night's show.



Just who are these

youngsters from Liverpool

who call themselves the Beatles?



Just what can we expect?

Well, let me put it in perspective for you.



Now, here a few years ago,

we had a young vocalist up on our stage

by the name of Elvis Presley.



He, a few of you may remember...

He caused quite a sensational reaction...



among the youngsters

in our studio audience.



Well, tomorrow night,

right here on our stage,



we're gonna have

Elvis Presley times four!



I don't get paid enough for...

All right. Simmer down.



Simmer down, simmer down.



All right. A few weeks ago

I went to England, and I saw

these four youngsters perform.



Both Sylvia and I agreed that

what they do to an audience

is truly remarkable.



So, I want you to be prepared for...



excessive screaming, hysteria,



hyperventilation, fainting,



fits, seizures, spasmodic convulsions,



even attempted suicides...

all perfectly normal.



It merely means that these youngsters

are enjoying themselves.



Now, I want you to remember

that tomorrow night...



we're going out live, coast to coast,



to    million viewers

in the United States and Canada.



So remember, nothing must interfere

with our really big "shoe. "



  Oh, yeah, I'll tell you something  



 I think you'll understand  



  When I say that something  



 I want to hold your hand  



 I want to hold your hand  



 I want to hold your hand  



  Oh, please, say to me  



  You'll let me be your man  



 And please, say to me  



  You'll let me hold your hand  



 Now let me hold your hand  



 I want to hold your hand  



 And when I touch you I feel happy inside  



 It's such a feeling that my love  



 I can't hide, I can't hide  



 I can't hide  



  Yeah, you got that something  



 I think you'll understand  



  When I say that something  



 I want to hold your hand  



 I want to hold your hand  



  I want to hold your hand  



 And when I touch you  



  I feel happy inside  



 It's such a feeling that my love  



 I can't hide  



 I can't hide, I can't hide  



  Yeah, you got that something  



 I think you'll understand  



  When I feel that something  



 I want to hold your hand  



  I want hold your hand  



Rosie, I don't know why you're

dragging me in here. I can't be

spending any money on Beatle records.



Hey, listen. Stereo.

Rosie, are you listening to me?



Come on, Pam.




All right, baby, this is

Murray the "K"with the number one song...

Rosie, wait a minute.



Excuse me.



Rosie, did you hear what I said?

I've gotta start saving my money

for more important things.



I mean, for God's sakes,

tomorrow night I'm getting...

you know...



All right, I'll buy it for you

as an elopement present.




Do you wanna tell the whole world?

Anyway, if you're gonna get me something,



get me something practical

that I can use, like Tupperware.



Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!



It's Paul! Oh, I'm gonna die!



- Oh, my God! It's Paul! It's Paul!

- Rosie...



- Oh, I'm gonna die right here!

He's so cute, so sexy!



- He's cardboard.

-  I know you never  



 Even try, girl  



Yeah. Yeah, well, I know it is.




The Beatles are fakes!



It's all a plot...

a plot to make you waste your money!

Don't fall for It!



Herb, lemme... lemme

call you back later, huh?

It's a gimmick!



Oh, you don't really wanna buy these albums.

You only think that you do.



Punch her out!



Rosie, you're not

buying another one.

It's not for me. It's for Pam.



Just to give away

two tickets to The Ed Sullivan Show.



Did you hear me, baby?

If you can answer this question:

What's Ringo Starr's real name?



Are you listening to me?

Did you hear what I said?




 Please please me, whoa, yeah  



 Like I please you  

And right now...



Janis, what are you doing?



You are picketing in my store.

You are driving my customers away.




All I see around this store

is Beatle albums.



What about Bob Dylan? Joan Baez?

How come they don't get

equal floor space?



The Beatles sell.

"Jane" Baez doesn't sell.



I deserve a little more respect

from my own daughter.



You are embarrassing me.

I'm embarrassing you?



I feel like I'm talking

to a walking publicity stunt.



Hey, Janis!

Janis, have you seen Rosie?



Hey, just a reminder...




Rosie, that's your   th busy signal!

You're not gonna get through!






Rosie, I got somethin' to tell ya,



but I want you to promise me

that you're not gonna scream...



and you're not gonna yell

and you're not gonna faint.



Oh, my God, Grace. What?

You promise?



I figured out a way

to get into the Beatles' hotel.



Damn, Rosie! Control yourself!



There's still a hitch.

We gotta raise $  .



Twenty-three dollars?



See, we have to hire a limo.

A limousine.



It's the only thing that can pull up

to the front of the Beatles' hotel

without getting stopped by cops.



How much money you got?

Uhh, I got three dollars

worth of dimes.



That's not enough, Rosie. Damn!



But it's enough to hire a cab.

We could drive up in a cab!



No, I already found out.

The cops are checkin' the cabs.



See, we need a limo,

and we need it tonight.

I mean, I got a deadline to meet.





We can't go tonight.



Aren't you guys forgetting

about something?



Aren't you forgetting

about this?

Oh, yeah. That.



This is my last night as a single woman.

We were gonna do something special.



We were supposed to spend

the night at Rosie's, and it was gonna

be like my shower or something.



Oh, hey, Pam, what could be better

than for all of us to drive up

to the Beatles' hotel together...



and see the Beatles in person?

Yeah! Right, Pam.

How much money you got?



I'm about to be a married woman.

I can't go chasing after the Beatles,




and it's not fair to Eddie.

Pam, I want you

to know something.



You don't seem to understand

how important this is to me.



I mean... I mean, I have got

to get through to the Beatles.

My entire career depends on it.



If I could get exclusive pictures of the Beatles,

I mean, they'd run my story on

the front page of The Suburban!



I mean, I might even be able to sell it

to Life magazine or something.

Can you imagine that?



Jesus Christ.

Gonna suffocate in here.



Hey, Janis.



Hey, Janis, you got any money?

What do you want money for?



Don't worry.

It's for a good cause.

Grace, there's Larry Dubois.



So what?

So don't you know

who Larry Dubois is?



Yes, I do. He's the boy

that threw up in biology.



His father's got lots of limousines.

He's an undertaker.



Hi, Larry. I didn't know

you played a musical instrument.




You're so musical.



This is ridiculous.

He'll never do it.



Uh, Larry, are you busy tonight?

I don't know.



He'll do it.



  Oh, oh  




I just ran over a casket.



What was it doing out

with the garbage?

Is that where it was?




Ooh, sh... Oh, it's okay. It's one of those

discontinued models my father's throwin' out.



You know, nobody was in it,

so the garbage man'll come

and pick it up.



Jesus, Larry, didn't you

even take driver's ed,

for goodness sakes?



I told you I didn't have

a driver's license.

All's I got is a permit.



Look, Grace, we just better

turn around right now.



It's against the law to drive

with a permit unless there is

a licensed driver in the car.



I've got a license, Pamela.

You do? But, Grace, I thought

your birthday wasn't until...



You know, I don't have

any insurance either.

Relax, Larry.



Look, I have absolute confidence

in your ability to handle machinery.

Any kind of machinery.



I mean, I've seen you threading up

those projectors in the A.V. Room.



You're just the best.

Yeah, I'm pretty good

on those Bell & Howells.






Rosie, are we gonna have

to listen to the Beatles

all the way to the city?



You know, I swear, Janis.

Every time something popular comes along,

you automatically think they can't be any good.



- I don't know why we let her

come in the first place.

- She's helping to pay for the gas, Rosie.



Besides, someone's gotta

be there to speak the truth.



Say, Rosie, what do you

think of my new sign?



I think it's disgusting.

Who do you think's gonna

look at that anyways?



- The press, Rosie, the press.

- Hey, Larry, you like the Beatles, don't you?



- Yeah, they're all right. They got a good beat.

- Oh, they're the greatest!



- I mean, gearest. Here, have a jelly baby.

- A what?



Ajelly baby. You know, jelly beans.

They call 'em jelly babies in England.

It's the Beatles'favorite food.



You know what their favorite drink is?

Coke, with a little bit of scotch.



What am I doing here?

Eddie is gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me.



Eddie hates the Beatles.

He's gonna think I'm immature.

I just know it.



Do we have to hear about Eddie

all the way into the city?



Pam, can I see your ring, please?

Just for a minute?



Well, all right,

but be careful with it.



Why do you keep it in your boobs for, Pam?

You're gonna lose it that way.

Do you want my mother to see it?



Pam, you're so lucky.

Yeah, I guess.



No, I mean it.

I'll probably never get one of these.

Oh, don't be silly, Rosie. It's no big deal.



Yeah. Well, there's really only one guy

I wanna marry anyways... Paul.



- Paul? Paul who?

- Never mind. You don't know him.



Larry, I think we're being followed.

Oh, God! Not the cops!



- Relax!

- It's Tony Smerko!



 Yeah, yeah, yeah

I wanna hold your glands  



Hey, Janis, how do

you like my hairdo?



Oh, it's really fab!

It makes you look like Paul!



Oh, you like it? You got it!



Hey, where you guys goin'?

Oh, we're gonna

go see the Beatles!



The Beatles? Aw, the Beatles

are a bunch of crap. Hey, Janis,

why don't you come with us?



We got a whole case

of Miller's High Life here,

the champagne of bottled beers!



What do you say, gorgeous?

Here, open this one.



Aww, come on.



Janis! Hey!



Hey, pull up! A little closer.



Pull it closer. Pull it closer!

Hey, Dubois, how ya doin'?



Pull it close. Pull it closer here!

Are you crazy?



Hey, you don't mind if I...

if I come along with you, now, do you?



Oh, I don't know, Tony.

I haven't got no insurance or nothin'.



Aw, that's okay. Neither do I!



 I've been told when a boy kiss a girl  



What are you doin'?

  Take a trip around the world  



 Hey, Hey  

 Bop shoo wop, bop bop shoo wop  



 Hey, Hey  

 Bop shoo wop, bop bop shoo wop  



 Hey, Hey  

 Bop shoo wop  



 Bop bop shoo wop  

 She say you do  



 Bop shoo wop  



 My girl says when I kiss her lips  



Damn it, Smerko,

what are you tryin' to do? Kill us?



Hey, lighten up!

No harm done here.



Everybody's in one piece. Huh!




Ohh! Oh-ho!



Want a swig of this stuff?



Say, what is that?

Let me see this.

What do you got?



"Beatles"... What does this say?

"Beatles undermine artistic"...




I never would've figured

on you for a Beatles fan.



I loathe the Beatles.

Not me. I hate 'em. Uuh!



I can't stand their music.



- Hey, Dubois, get up.

- What?



I think you're sittin'

on my comb.

Got it, Tony?



Yeah, thanks.




Ooh, hoo-hoo!

Say, you got some collection here.



Ann-Margret, we got Patty Duke,

Tuesday Weld, Jackie... Jackie Kennedy?



Jesus, Dubois, you got the hots

forJackie Kennedy?

Why'd you take my wallet, Tony?



Fastest hands in the West.



Yeah, well, you give me back...



Look. Now, look, no more screwin' around

here, Smerko! We have serious business

to take care of in New York!



- Hey, well, I'm a serious guy.

- Right. Well, you just keep

your hands off of Dubois.



- Hey, me and Dubois are old pals,

ain't we, Dubois?

- Yeah.



Hey, Dubois, about what happened

in the cafeteria Friday?



Look, I guess I must've

slipped or somethin'.




Did you get all of the applesauce

outta your hair okay?

No problem, Tony.



- Hey, I'm sick of those limey fairies!

- Come on, Smerko!



- Hey, switch that back!

That was Peter, Paul and Mary!



You and your stupid protest music.

That stuff's boring.



Did you ever listen to the words?

You oughta try listening

to the words sometime.



Did you ever listen to the words

to "Louie, Louie"?

Oh, Smerko, leave me alone!



Hey, who's still up

at this hour? I'm gonna find out by givin'away

two Sullivan show tickets...



to the first caller who can tell me

which Beatle is left handed.



All right...

Oh, my God! I know it!

It's Paul! It's Paul!



I know it! There's a phone booth!



- Stop the car! Stop the car!

Oh, please stop the car! Stop the car!

- Cut it out!



- You either stop the car, or I'll jump out!

- Keep driving, Larry!



Jesus Christ, Dubois!



What the hell are you trying to do,

Rosie, kill yourself?



No, but I know the answer!

It's Paul!



Jesus Christ!

I don't care! It would've worth

killing myself if I could've won!



Now, listen... listen to me!

God, I could...



This is my only chance to get

exclusive pictures of the Beatles,

and I don't want anybody screwing it up!



So everybody, please, cool it!



  Well, I talk about boys  

  Yeah, yeah, boys  



 Don't you know I mean boys  

  Yeah, yeah, boys  



  Well, I talk about boys now  

  Yeah, yeah, boys  




  Yeah, yeah, boys  



  Well, I talk about boys now  

  Yeah, yeah, boys  



  What a bundle ofjoy   



- Ah bey! Ah bey!

- Uuh! Uuh!



Wake up, New York. It's Murray the "K"

on    cups of coffee on      WINS...



all night and all day,

'cause we're not gonna let you

miss a single second...



of this fabulous Beatles weekend.



And we're goin'all the way,

because we're mobile today, baby,

from in front of the Beatles'hotel.



And girls, I've got a special, personal message

for you from John Lennon.

John asked me to tell you to...



  Well, shake it up, baby, now  

 Shake it up, baby  



  Twist and shout  

  Twist and shout  



  Come on, come on

come on, come on, baby, now  

  Come on, baby  



- Dubois, wake up!

What are you doin', fallin' asleep on me here?



Ahh! Everybody, wake up!

Wake up, everybody. Hey!



I think Dubois here deserves

a big round of applause.



As you can see, he got us

to New York safe and sound,



and in record time too.



Well, it only took him seven hours.



Usually takes me only    minutes,

but then,



I generally don't go

by way of Philadelphia!



I thought the sign said "north. "

Hey, just keep your eyes on the road.

The hotel's right around the corner.



Where? Where? Where is it?

Over there.



  Well, shake it up, baby, now  

 Shake it up, baby  



  Twist and shout  

  Twist and shout  



  Come on, come on

come on, come on, baby, now  

  Come on, baby  



  Come on and work it on out  

  Work it on out  



  You know you twist it, little girl  

  Twist it, little girl  



  You know you twist so fine  

  Twist so fine  



  Come on and twist a little closer now  

  Twist a little closer  



 And let me know that you're mine  

 Let me know you're mine  



  Well, shake it, shake it

shake it, baby, now  

 Shake it up, baby  



  Well, shake it, shake it

shake it, baby, now  

 Shake it up, baby  



  Well, shake it, shake it

shake it, baby, now   

 Shake it up, baby   



Keep driving, Larry. Around the corner.

Pull up to the front of the hotel

like you know what you're doing.



Okay? Here, put this on.



- We want the Beatles!

- Pam, you comin'with us?



- Yeah, I just hope Eddie

doesn't find out about this.

- Right. Okay, so Rosie and Pam are with me.



And the rest of you guys, we'll meet you

later in front of the hotel, okay?

Now, everybody, duck down.



I don't want this car

to look like a school bus.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

Move back! Move back!



We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

Better check.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

Get that car! Check that car!



Yeah, pass him on through.



Come on, boy. Move it, move it!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



- This isn't gonna work, Grace.

This isn't gonna work.

- Shh! Just tell me when we get to the front door.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



- We want the Beatles!

- Okay.



Come on. Come on.



Why aren't we there yet?

Yeah, Larry,

why aren't we there yet?



There's a bunch of old people

in a cab up there.



Well, so what?

Why don't you just beep your horn?



You crazy? There's about

a thousand girls screaming out there.



We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



- We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!

- Come on. Come on.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

Come on.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



- They're movin'.

- We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

 Yeah, yeah, yeah  



-   I wanna hold your glands   

- It's him!






Killed! You know you almost got us killed?



Hey, Dubois! Leave the heater on!

It's not funny!



Well, I guess we got

to make our own heat.




Hey, wait a minute!

Where you goin'?

I came here for a purpose, Smerko!



Hey, where you goin', Tony?

I came here for a purpose, Dubois.



Come on. Let's go.



Oh, my God, Grace, my purse!

I left it in the car.



- Forget your purse, Pam. You wanna get caught?

- Hey, you kids!



Hold it right there!

Come on. Come on!



- Hey! Stop there!

- Come on!



Where do you think you're goin'?

Come back here, I said!

Oh, God!



- Stop! Hey!

- Oh!



- Come back!

- Pam!



Come on, come on!






Hey, you kids... Aah!







Ah bey!




- Ah bey!

- Uuh!






Murray the "K" Swinging Soiree!



Let's get it on!

All right, listen.



I am out here only to let you

know about one thing.



We don't want you to move.

We want you to stay here.

We like the vibe that you're givin' off.



- But you been yellin' so loud,

- Look!



you broke a couple of windows.



Oh, he's coming!

In here!



The elevator's here.



The elevator's here.




He's gone!

He's gone. Let's go!



- Come on!

- My ring! I lost my ring!



Come on!

How long can she hold the door?



Well, then go without me.

I've gotta find it.



I've got it!






What'd you push    for?

They're on    room     .



I know they're in      Rosie,

but we've gotta go up to   

and walk up the stairs.



That's dumb. If they're on   

we should get off on   .



Don't be stupid, Rosie.

There's gonna be guards up there on   

and they're gonna be watching the elevators.



But this is a service elevator.

Besides, how you know there're

not gonna be guards on   ?



If I'm gonna get caught,

I'm gonna get as close to the Beatles as I can.



You wanna go to    go to    Rosie.

I'm not gonna argue with you.



You're never gonna make it.

We'll see.



- Hey, you! Come on! Let's go! Come on!

- Wait! Let me go!



Come on!

You gotta listen to me!

I can explain! Come on! Listen to me!



Hey, Sarge, I just found

another lost lady.



Okay, Lou.

Take her down the other elevator.



Oh, I can explain.

Really, I can ex...

Don't tell me. Let me guess.



Your grandmother from Alaska's

staying in the hotel, and you got lost

trying to find her. Come on.



Help! Help me!



When Paul finds out about this,

you're gonna be in a lot of trouble!



- Come in, Harry.

- I read you, Sarge.



- What's the situation down there?

- All quiet here.



- Okay. We'll be coming down

in a few minutes. I'll check with you later.

- Right. Over.



Hey, Irving.

Check that exit there, will ya?



We got another one, Stanley.

Take her down to the lobby

and turn her over to Sergeant Bailey.



Okay, Lou.



Never in my life have I seen such

a disgusting display of vulgarity...



as I've witnessed in this hotel.



Young girls screaming

and running about... helter-skelter.



You should be ashamed of yourself.



- And as for this hotel, I was not aware

its clientele included such riffraff.

- We apologize for the inconvenience, ma'am.



Well, you can rest assured

that in the future I shall take

my business elsewhere.



Your floor, madam.



You dropped something, ma'am.



- We want the Beatles!

- Okay. Pull right up here.



Right. Hold it! Hold it right there.

That's good.



I'll just get the door.

Yeah, sure.



We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!

That's terrific.



- We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!

- Okay, Sarge. You can bring 'em out.



- Your snoring.

Sullivan. You do. That's an Irish name.



- We got a complaint from

the hotel manager about it.

- You're as bad as the rest of them.



- Who orders all this rubbish?

- Nothing better than a scenic back alley,

I always say.



Get in the car or I'll cripple you.



Quit shovin' me then.

Hey! The guy just licked my hand!






Oh! Oh!






Hey! Don't you know breaking

and entering is very serious offense?



You're making a mistake.

This is my room. I just lost my key.



Oh,     . I'm on the wrong floor.

I'm looking for     .



My mistake, Officer.



What do you take me for,

some kind of an asshole?



And, little lady,

you have come all the way from...

Hi, Mom!



Buffalo. I stole the money from my mother

so I could come here, because I loveJohn.



Actually, I love all the Beatles,

but I especially loveJohn.



Someday I'm gonna marryJohn.

Isn'tJohn already married?



Yeah, but he can get a divorce

or his wife could get in a plane crash...



or she could drown or anything could happen,

becauseJohn has to marry me!



He has to, or else I'll kill myself!



There you have it,

ladies and gentlemen...




This is Sam David reporting from WGSL

in front of the...



Exterminate the Beatles!



Get outta here! Harry, cut it.

Get her out of here.

Why did you shut off that camera?



Turn it back on!

Haven't you ever heard of unbiased reporting?



Yeah, unbiased report!

There are two sides to every story!



There's two sides. Don't you know that?

I don't believe this!

Whatever happened to objective reporting?



Yeah! Whatever happened to that?

You tell me.



What are you beefin' about now?

It doesn't matter.

This is only a local news station.



I know what I have to do now.

I gotta find the national news reporters,



then the whole country

can hear what I have to say.

Talk, talk, talk.



That's all you wanna do is talk.

I want the whole country

to hear what I have to say.



Shit. When does beatin' your gums

ever mean mean anything?

You gotta do something.



Well, I don't see you doing anything

except for following me around.

Oh, yeah?




Oh, you wanna

see me do somethin'?



All ri... Wha...

All right. I'll do somethin'!



Get him!



Look, I'll find my own way out, okay?



Make me happy.



Hey! Hey, you! You're not supposed to be here!

This is a restricted area!



You don't belong here!

Don't you know this entire section

of the hotel's completely sealed off?



Paul! Paul!

You can't get in there.

Besides, I already tried.



Those guys already left.




About five minutes ago.




Well, actually, it was closer

to four minutes ago. Crazy broad.



What? What?



That means they walked on this rug!



Don't jump to conclusions! I'm a collector!

Please, don't get a stain on it!

Oh, Paul! Paul!



- In the name of human decency!

This is valuable merchandise!

- Hey!



Oh! Come on! Run!

What are you doin'to the rug?




Gangway, copper!



Put me down!

I got friends on the force!

Put me down!



Take that, bully!



Come on, come on!

Where you taking me?



I know where I'm going!

Just come on!




Where we going? Ooh!

Come on!



Take me with you!

Come on!



I can't go in there!

This elevator isn't lined up properly!




Ooh! Aah!

Take me to the seventh floor!

I got a room there!






Come on! Let's go!

Can't you get these floors lined up?



Come on!



This way!



We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!

We want the Beatles!



  Then there was music  

This is my headquarters.



 And wonderful roses, they tell me  



 In sweet, fragrant meadows  



-   Of dawn and dew  

- Hey, hey! Don't touch anything!



 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  



 Yeah, yeah, yeah   



Hey, Larry, where have you been?

I've been lookin' all over for ya.



We've gotta get over to CBS right away.

I just found out the Beatles

are rehearsing over there.



Yeah, well, I got news for ya!

After this, I'm gonna be taking

my car straight home!



Sure, Larry. Anything you say.

I mean it, Grace.

This time I'm puttin' my foot down.



Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's happening?



They stink. They got no talent at all.

They look like a bunch of girls!



Yeah, man, we hate the Beatles, man.

They're foreigners from another country.



They take our women away from us.

Man, send them back! Send 'em back!

Yeah, the Beatles are a bunch of wimps.



Everybody that listens to their music are wimps

too. What're trying to prove with long hair?

You're misunderstanding the whole point.



I don't know what

these chicks see in it either.

It's just a gimmick!



Oh, and another thing, Murray.



WI NS used to be the best radio station

in town until you started playing

all this Beatles junk.



Now that's all I ever hear!

Whatever happened to the Four Seasons?




I ain't never gonna listen to      WI NS

again ever. Never gonna, never ever.

All right. Wait a minute.



You know something?




You're a deranged person,

but keep your chin up.



Yeah, Harry, my eyes were bothering me a little

with all the reading I'm doing around here.



So I went and I picked up this lamp.

It's a real great lamp. I mean, it's got,

like, three switches on it to make it bright.



Great for reading.



Yeah, that's right, Harry.

What do you think...



What the hell's

the matter with you?



Why don't you watch

where you push that thing?



Harry? Hello, Harry?



Stupid kid. He broke my lamp.



Oh, my God!



Oh! Ohh.



Oh, God.



Ohh, God!



I don't believe...



Oh, my God.



Oh. Ohh!






 Love, love me do  



  You know I love you  



 I'll always be true  



 So, plea-ea-ea-ease  



 Love me do  



  Whoa-oa, love me do  



 Love, love me do  



  You know I love you  



 I'll always be true  



 So, plea-ea-ea-ease  



 Love me do  



  Whoa-oa, love me do  



 Someone to love  



 Somebody new  



 Someone to love  



 Someone like you  



Hey, lookee what I found!

A midget Beatle!



Hey! Hey, come on!

Hey, what is it, a boy or a girl?




I think it's a girl!



It's doctor's orders!

I'm very susceptible to head colds!

Hey, anybody got a razor blade?



I wanna give Goldilocks here

the Yul Brynner look, huh?



Ooh! All right.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

I'll make you a deal, I'll make you a deal!



- What?

- I got tickets to The Ed Sullivan Show,

and you can have 'em if you let me go.



Tickets? What the hell do I want tickets?

I don't want any tickets.

Hey, wait a minute!



You can scalp 'em for a lot of money!

Well, I'm gonna scalp you for free!




All right, Tony. You've had your fun.

Now let him go.



Hey, remember, I said you gotta

do somethin'. So I'm doin' somethin'.

I ain't just shootin' off at the mouth.




You're completely ignoring

the real issue.



You're merely attacking a symptom

instead of going to the real root

of the problem.



I'm gonna get to the roots,

all right, with these!



Uh, hey, Smerko,

here comes a cop.



I should've known this all along.



You ain't nothin' but a Beatles lover.

Here. You take him.




Here's some great snapshots I got

when the Beatles arrived at Kennedy Airport.



Oh. Did you get any pictures

of the Beatles?

Yeah, well, I didn't exactly see the Beatles,



but I got some great shots

of their suitcases.




You know, you're the first boy

I've ever met that I could really talk to.



I mean, really talk to.

Yeah, well, if you think these are fab,

I'll show you something that's really gear.



Hey, don't they ever

make the beds in here?

Nah. The hotel doesn't know I'm in here.



Then how'd you get this key?

I found it. Someone left it in the door,

and I found it.



Then I took over the room.

The hotel doesn't know I'm here.

If they knew I was here, they'd throw me out.



Now, here. Look at this, look at this,

look at this, look at this, look at this,

look at this, look at this.



Here. This is my masterpiece.



You know what this is?

This is actually a clump of grass

that Paul stepped on.



I'm not exactly sure which blade

he stepped on, but it's all in there.

That's why I got such a big clump.



Oh, wow! Can I have some of this?

What are you, crazy?



Oh, just a little bit!

I'll buy it off of ya.

No. I'm sorry, but it's not for sale.



Say, kid, do you really have

tickets to The Ed Sullivan Show?



Yeah. I sort of lucked into 'em.

My uncle's got connections.



Would you sell one to me?

Uh, no, I couldn't do that.



Heck, you just helped me out

of a real jam.



I'll give you one for free.

It's the least I can do.



Thanks a lot!



That's funny.

I thought I had 'em right there.



I don't even have 'em!



Peter! Hey, Peter!

I got your tickets to The Ed Sullivan Show!



- My tickets! How'd you get those?

- Never mind how I got 'em, but I got 'em!



If you wanna get 'em back, you're gonna

have to get your goddamn hair cut!



Now, I found a barber shop that's open,

so let's go!

You can't do that! It's extortion!



I can do any goddamn thing I want to!

I'm your father!




No kid of mine is gonna run around

in the streets looking like a goddamn girl!




- Wait a minute, will ya?

- Well, I'm not gonna cut my hair!



And I'm not gonna argue with you! Now,

if you want these tickets back, you're gonna

get your hair cut! Now, you think about it!



I don't have to think about it!

For all I care, you can take those tickets

and shove 'em!



What's your name anyway?



Ringo. Ringo Klaus.




Well, actually it's Richard,

Richard Klaus.



This is my official

Beatles talcum powder.



Anyway, like, Ringo Starr,

you know, he changed his name

from Richard to Ringo?



Well, that's what I did.

My real name's Richard,

and I changed it over to Ringo, see?



You know how the real Ringo has lots of rings?

Well, I got my own ring, too, see?

Just like Ringo.



Good. I know all that stuff.

Listen, I know everything

there is to know about the Beatles.



There's nothin' I don't know about the Beatles!

I'm the greatest Beatles genius

in the history of the universe.



Go ahead, ask me

anything about the Beatles!

Ask me how tallJohn is.



And the answer comeback,

 - foot-  .



Ask me when George's birthday is.

And the answer comeback,

February        .



There's nothin' I don't know about the Beatles!

Ask me anything there is to know

about the Beatles. Ask me anything!



Who is the youngest Beatle?



I know the answer!

Gimme the phone!

Get away! I know it too!



It's my room, and it's my phone!



Hand it over!

Get away! Let me!



It's ringing!



Who's the youngest Beatle?






It's Ringo! Ringo, you crackpot!



You... You stupid idiot!

It's George!



Ringo's the oldest!

Ringo's   ! George is   !

Well, it's a trick question.



George is the youngest in age,

but Ringo was the last to join the Beatles,

therefore he's the youngest Beatle.



See? The question was,

"Who is the youngest Beatle?"

And that means it's Ringo!



See? Aah!

You're an idiot! You're a fink!



You're a lousy rat fink!

And I would've won those tickets!



Aah! Now I got you,

you little shit-head!

Who you callin' little?



Aah! Take that, you copper!



Stay back!

Watch it, he's got a lamp!

And it's lit!




Give up, kid!

You're surrounded!



I'll jump! I swear, I'll jump!



Get off of me! Put me down!

I'll bring a lawsuit!



Stop it! Knock It off!



Quit that kickin', will ya?



Ringo! No-o-o!



Hey! What the hell

do you think you're doin'?

There ain't no cameras allowed in here.



I'm just takin' a couple of pictures.

I'm with the press.



Yeah? And I'm Captain Kangaroo.

Come on! Get the hell outta here!



Please, sir, I've just gotta get some pictures

of the Beatles. I'd do anything to get in here.





What's it worth to ya?



Ten bucks.

Ten bucks?

What, are you shittin' me?



I'll tell you what.

Fifty bucks, and you got a deal.



Fifty bucks? Look, I just don't

have that kind of money.




You wanna get in and see 'em?

Fifty bucks. You don't like it?



Get the hell outta here!

All right. All right, all right.

I'll find the   .



Then what do I do?



Listen, here's what's happenin'.



The Beatles are the last act, right?



All right. You wait till the show starts,

you come to this door

and you knock like this.



I open the door,

you give me the    you're in.



Right now, get the hell outta here!

I gotta eat!



Fifty bucks!

Where am I gonna get    bucks?



Mmm. Mmm.






Mmm. Mmm.



Is this seat taken?



Say, how's the food around here?

You guys eat here often?



Oh? Well, then, I take it that

you're not from around here, huh?



- Brooklyn.

- No kiddin'? Me, I'm from Jersey.



Hey, hey, way to go!

Nice play, Shakespeare.



Say, you girls ever been on top

of the Empire State Building?



Well, I was thinkin' about goin' up there

later on this afternoon and, uh,

maybe you'd like to join me?



Now, what's the gag?



- She thinks you look like Paul.

- Oh, yeah. Lots of people tell me

I look like Newman.



- Not Paul Newman, Paul McCartney.

- Paul McCart... Never heard of him.



He's one of the Beatles.



Oh, ho!



- What's with you?

You got something against the Beatles?

- Who, me?



Besides the fact that their music stinks,

that I hate their guts...



and they're nothin' but

a bunch of candy-ass pansies?



- No.

- Listen, grease ball.



- Nobody asked you to sit here, so beat it!

- Now, wait a minute.



Everything was going fine,

we were having a nice leisurely lunch

and over a little chat,



and then you had to go mention

the Beatles and make me choke

on my goddamn food!



Let's get outta here.




- Hey, wait a minute!

Now, what about the Empire State Building?

- Why don't you jump off it?



- Hey, you know what I do to Beatles? I stomp...

- Ohh!






Oh, wow!












Oh, my God.






Oh, my God.



Oh, God!






 Everybody's gone surfin' 



 Surfin'U.S.A. With Murray the "K"  



- Hey, baby.

- Swinging Soiree.



- Hey, who's this Johnny Carson that Ed

wants us to dedicate our songs to anyway?



- Probably a baseball player.

- No, isn't he the mayor?



I'm really disappointed about that rehearsal.

I mean, I think we sound crappy.



Ah, come off it. All you gotta do is smile,

twinkle in the eye. You'll have 'em all screamin'.



Hey! Well, what do you know?

It's still playin'.



Murray is still talkin'.

Hey, it looks like somebody's

been messing with me bass.



- Yuck! There's sticky stuff all over it.

- Uuh! What'd you do that for?



Why'd you put that picture

of yourself in me closet?

I thought it might brighten up the place.



So that's it then.




Right here      WINS

right after The Ed Sullivan Show.



- Will somebody call the porter up here?

I need me trousers cleaned.

- Well, take 'em off then.



I mean, you know, he can't clean 'em

with you standin'in 'em.

Good idea.






And my stockings...

my official Beatles nylon stockings...

are missing.



Those jerks from the hotel

stole my stuff, and you know why?



They know even half my stuff's

worth $   .



I'll sue 'em. That's what I'll do.

I'll sue 'em.



- I just think we're lucky

they didn't throw us in jail.

- They can't throw us in jail.



We're both under    years old. Therefore,

we're both minors. Therefore, they can't

throw us in jail, and that's the law.



And if there's one thing I know,

it's the law. Anyway, I gotta get back

in the hotel and get my stuff back.



I know. I'll steal an elevator.

I'll hijack one like you did.



Rosie, come here!

I gotta tell ya somethin'!



Grace! Grace!

Where have you been? Did you

get pictures of the Beatles?



Grace, you know, it's, uh,

illegal to park here.



We're not parking, Larry.

We're just stopping.

Hey! Where have you been?



Did you get the pictures?

No, not yet. Listen, Rosie. I really

need to borrow some money, okay?



Oh, Grace, no...

I don't have that much left.

What did you spend it on?



On these.

What are these?



Beatles bedsheets.

Beatles bedsheets?



Those are the actual bedsheets

the Beatles slept on Friday night.

Only two bucks per square inch.



You mean you paid two bucks

for this little piece of nothing?

They're worth at least five.



Grace, what time do you think

we'll be going home?

Oh, yeah?



How do you know these

are the real Beatles bedsheets?

The guy said they were authentic.



You can't lie

about a thing like that.

That would be against the law.



Grace, we should

be getting home. I don't wanna

miss The Ed Sullivan Show.



Tell me something. Were there

a lot of kids buyin' these things?

Oh, heck, yeah.



You want me to show you where

the guy is that sold 'em to me?

Here. Take these.



Come on, Larry.

Let's get outta here.

Wait. You gotta take me with you.



I'm the only one who knows

where the guy is that sold me this stuff.

You gotta take me with ya.



What is wrong with you?

Who is this guy, Rosie?

Where'd he come from? Mars?



Oh, this is Richard Klaus.

He's my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?



Grace, wait.

What about The Ed Sullivan Show?

Well, you'd better find a TV set,



because I still have

to get my pictures.



Your boyfriend? What's the idea

of telling that broad I'm your boyfriend?

I'm not your boyfriend.



But I thought you and me...

Well, we seemed to get along

pretty well and all.



Yeah? I thought

you were in love with Paul.



Well, I am, but it's different

with Paul.



- I mean, Paul... He's a Beatle.

It's just different.

- Yeah. I get it.



You're just like all the rest. You're in love

with the Beatles till somebody better

comes along, huh?



Well, I got news for ya.

Where I come from, they've got a name

for people like you.



You're a traitor, and I don't

associate with traitors, so you can

just quit taggin' along with me.



"Amscray," sister!



I am not a traitor!

I do love Paul!



I'll always love Paul!



I'll never love anybody else, ever!



 I love you  



You know,

you'd make things a lot easier

if you'djust cut your hair.



Hey, wait a minute.

I think I got it.



- Hey!

- Let's get outta here!



Hey, you kids!

Come back!

Come on! This way!



- Come back here!

Come on! Let's get 'em!



You all right?



Security for the Beatles.

This way!



At times, the Beatles had to

dress themselves up as the fuzz...



- in order to go from place to place without

getting torn to shreds by all those girls.

- Excuse me.



Which way?

Which way did they go?

Down here.



We've got another one

that you haven't heard yet from

that crazy British import album.



You're hearing it first with the "K"

in what you call Swinging Soiree.



In fact, I think

I'm gonna mail it out to you.

  Oh, yeah, wait a minute, Mr. Postman  



Hey, Reese,

I got the one with the hair.

Let him go!



He wasn't doing anything.

Grab her too.



You're just picking on him

because he's got long hair.

Shut up.



Let that kid go.

Yeah. Let him go.



- Just because he's got long hair

doesn't mean you can do all that.

- Let go of him!



- Hey, what's going...

- All right! Get back!



Get back! Get back!

Get back in line!



Get back! Get back!



Get back! I'm warning ya.

Now, get back.



Move along.



Get back!

Get that crowd back!



Get back in line.

Get back.



Reese, Foley, let 'em go!

But, Sarge, they were tryin'

to break into the studio.



Goddamn it, I said let 'em go!

I don't want a riot on my hands.



All right. Go on.

Get outta here. Beat it.



Wow. Did you see that?

Do you realize

what just happened here?



Yeah. We almost

just got thrown in jail.

You were right all the time.



The only way we're gettin'

in there is to get my hair cut.

You can't.




You can't cut your hair.

Not now. Not after all this.



I just don't get ya.

I mean, don't you wanna

go and see the show?



Look, all this time I've been wrong

about the Beatles. I'll figure out some

other way to get those tickets back.



What? From my old man?



No way. The only way

you're gonna get those tickets

from him is to take 'em.



Genuine squares

of Beatle bedsheets,

only one dollar!



Ladies, they're huggable,

they're kissable. Unwashed, girls...



unwashed Beatles bedsheets...

and they're only one dollar!



Bigger and better

Beatles bedsheets!

Can I have a John?



AJohn. Here's a John.

One dollar.

Can I have a George?



Here's George.

One dollar.

Hey, are you sure these are real?



It doesn't look like the ones

they're selling over there.

That's 'cause they're newer.



They just came off the Beatles' beds

this very morning.

Look how wrinkled it is!



Okay. Anybody else?

I want to buy $   worth

for my whole fan club.



Ten of each Beatle.

Ten of each Beatle?



Well... Well, look.

I only have about   

but I can get some more.



I'll meet you back here

in    minutes, okay?




Hey. Wanna

buy some Beatle bedsheets?

They slept on 'em.



For one dollar?



Hey, would you like

to buy some Beatle bedsheets

for one dollar?



For Christ's sakes, Dubois,

what the hell are you doin'?



I'm selling some Beatle bedsheets.

I can see that.



Geez! Is this what it's come to?

You standin' in the street with a handful

of rags like a goddamn beggar?



Ain't you got no self-respect?

Get rid of this shit!



Damn it, Dubois.

How could you let yourself

be pussy-whipped like this?



You know she's made a fool

out of ya. You know that, don't ya?

A damn fool!



Yeah. I was just tryin'

to get pictures for her, Tony.

I mean, she needed pictures...



Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know it ain't your fault.

It's that... that limey scum.



It's like the whole goddamn world's

flipped or somethin' like that.



You know what happened

to me today? I tried to pick up

seven different chicks. Seven.



And they all gave me shit.

They gave me shit! Now, a week ago,

this couldn't have happened.



I'm fed up, Dubois. I've had it

up to here with this crap.



Something's gotta be done.

Something's gotta be done

to stop it...



I don't know what...

but it's gotta be done now

before it spreads any further.



It's like a goddamn disease,

for Christ's sakes! Do you

understand what I'm saying here?



Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna get back

to the car, Tony, so...



Yeah. Go ahead.

Go on. I'll... I gotta

think this shit out.



 We love you, Beatles

oh, yes, we do  



 We don't love anyone

as much as you  



 When you're not near us

we're blue  



  Oh, Beatles, we love you  



 We love you, Beatles

oh, yes, we do   



Well, if nobody wanted to buy any,

then where's your sheets?



Well, I, um... I don't know.

I dropped 'em.



God damn, Larry.

Come on. Here.



Help me rip this sheet up.

Only    more pieces,

and I'm home free.



 I got arms that long to hold you  



 And keep you by my side  



 I got lips that long to kiss you  



 And keep you satisfied  



 If there's anything that you want  




 If there's anything I can do  



- Grace?

- Would you cut it out?




 And I'll send it along

with love from me to you  



- Hand it over, scag.

- What?



Our money.

These are fakes.



- Oh, there must be some mistake.

- Damn right. Look at this.



I know for a fact

they didn't use sheets

from J.C. Penney's at that hotel.



I swear to you...

I was told these sheets

are genuine. They really are.



Give us our money back

or we'll beat your brains.

Hey, hey.



Come on, girls.

Let's... Let's be reasonable.



Listen, pencil neck.

I'll kick your face in.



- Grace, I think they mean it.

-  If there's anything

that you want  



 If there's anything I can do  



 Just call on me

and I'll send it along  



  With love from me to you  

Looks like

you're out of business.



  To you, to you  



  To you   



Okay. We're still T.C.B.

And takin'care ofbusiness...



as we cover

this fabulous Beatle weekend.



And you probably don't hear

as much going on as there was...

not as much shouting...



It's because    minutes ago, everybody

that was here with this big crowd left...




the Beatles are going over

to The Ed Sullivan Show...



to do their first telecast

in the United States.



And you wanna watch that.

I'm gonna be there myself.



Hey, Grace, did you hear

about the Valentine's Dance

at school Friday night?



I know all about it, Larry.

Why don't you just have a drink,




I'd better not. I mean,

you know what they say

about drinking and driving.



Frankie? Yeah.

I was thinkin'.



I'm glad I got in touch with ya.

I got a few hours to kill

before I have to go out of town,



and I could use a little companionship,

you know what I mean?



You see, Grace, it's kind ofhard...

Yeah. Is Ginger available?



I was sort of thinkin'

about all we've been through together.

How 'bout that redhead? What's her name?



Judy. Yeah. Is she... No.



Whatever you think, Frankie. As long as she's

on the young side, you know what I mean?



- A college coed?

- And, well, you'll probably be busy,

so forget it.



- Shh.

Hey, no kiddin'.



Hey, yeah. That's right.

Room    .



Mm-hmm. That's great.

Why don't you send her over?



Yeah. How 'bout...

'bout an hour?






Half hour would be better,

Frankie. Yeah.



Thanks, Frankie.



Grace, it's gettin'kind oflate.

Maybe we'd better get goin'.



Larry, how old

do you think I look?



- I don't know.

- I mean, you think I could pass

for a college student?



Sure. Sure.

You get good grades.



Larry, there's something I gotta do.

I want you to meet me back here

in about one hour.



Wait. Where you goin'?

I just thought of something

I could sell.



Why don't you tell me?

Maybe I can sell some too.



I don't think so, Larry.

You just wait for me, okay?



Grace, you can't!

I won't let you do it.



Do what?

You know.




You know.



Larry, I know exactly

what it is I'm doing,

so just relax.



Go back to the table,

finish this up, okay?

Meet me back here soon.



Well, Grace,

think of what you're doing.

I mean, it's... it's a sin.






It'll never come off.



Oh, shit.

Dropped my "pneumonia. "



Hey, wait a minute.



All right.

You stay out here.

Are you crazy?



That guy hates my guts.

He's not gonna do anything...

not for me.



No, but he might do it for me.



Three Beatles took a tour

of Central Park yesterday...



while George stayed in bed

nursing a sore throat.



Reports are that George...

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

I was watching that.



Sorry about that. It's showtime.

But you don't seem

to understand.



The Ed Sullivan Show

is gonna be on.

Honey, we all got our problems.



When that show goes on in there,

that tube goes off. It's union rules.



Ohh. Well, how long

does this go on?






Want another one?



To hell with it.

I don't wanna hear about it.

Wait! I'll tell ya! Just listen!



This guy is the kid's father.

In his wallet are tickets

to the Beatles show.



That's all we want.

You can have his money.

What did you say?



I said you can

have all his money.

No, no, no, no.



You said something about tickets.

Tickets to The Ed Sullivan Show.

That's all we want.



How many tickets has he got?




I'll do it,

but I get one of the tickets.



I'm sorry, really I am.

It was just an accident.

I didn't wanna come up here...



and get in trouble

or anything like that.



I didn't even wanna

come here today.

They made me do it.



This is very unlike me.

I mean, I just don't

do things like this,



and it's all

just very confusing for me.



You've gotta

believe me, please.

I believe ya. It's okay. It's okay.



Look, everything's

gonna be all right.



Now, you got somebody

you can call to come

and pick you up?



There's a phone over there.

Why don't you go over

and use it?






Look at this crap.



Is that the bird

that was under Lennon's bed?





Girl. Girl. That's her.



Well, I just spoke to Brian.

It's very important we keep her

here for a while, okay?



No sweat.

I beg your pardon?



Uh, no problem.

Hello? Eddie?

Can you come and get me, please?



  The best things in life

are free  



 But you can keep 'em

for the birds and bees  



 Now, give me money  

  That's what I want  



  That's what I want  

  That's what I want  



  That's what I wa-a-a-ant, yeah  



  That's what I want  



  Your lovin'give me a thrill  



 But your lovin'

don't pay my bills  



 Now, give me money  

  That's what I want  



  That's what I want  

  That's what I want  



  That's what I want

oh, yeah  

  That's what I want  



  That's what I want   






Trapped like a rat.



Now, wait a minute. I said

I'd get my hair cut, but you don't

expect me to pay for it, do ya?



Okay. And don't forget

to bring the tickets.



It's all set.



Going up?



Seven, please.



 There's a place

There's a place  



Hey, baby, this is the "K."

I'm interrupting my own show to bring you

an important Beatles bulletin.



I just discovered another pair

of Ed Sullivan tickets

I forgot to give away.



Now, even though

we're only a few minutes

away from showtime,



the folks over there at CBS

tell me you can still get in

even if you're a few minutes late,



provided, of course, you answer

our countdown question correctly.



Please! Hurry!

Get me to seven!



If you live out on the Island,

Westchester County, Jersey, wherever,

don't call in if you can't make the show.



All right. Here we go

with a very tough Beatles question.



Which particular Beatle

is at the same time the oldest

and youngest member...




  I wanna be your lover, baby

I wanna be your man  



  I wanna be your lover, baby  

Ow! Ooh!




  Love you like no other, baby  



 Like no other can  



 Love you like no other, baby

like no other can  



 I wanna be your man  



 I wanna be your man  

Oh, please, God. Let me get through.

Please let me get through.



Yo. Which Beatle

is the oldest and youngest?




Wait a minute.





That's right!



Your tickets will be waiting for you

at the Ed Sullivan theater.



What's your name, baby?

What's your name?




It's Rosie Petrofsky!



All right, Rosie! You're a winner!




Oh, thank you!

Thank you very much!



Thank you for

letting me use your phone.



I won.

  I wanna be your man

I wanna be your man  



Oh... Oh!



- Lobby, please.

-   I wanna be your lover, baby  



 I wanna be your man  



 I wanna be your lover, baby

I wanna be your man  



 Love you like no other, baby   



What's wrong? What's wrong

with this elevator?




Hi, Rosie.



You busted it!

You broke the elevator!



Calm down. Relax. I'll have it fixed

in a jiffy. I know everything there is

to know about elevators.



You broke it.

You broke it on purpose!

Wait a minute. I know.



Just let me fix this here.


Get us out of here!



We're trapped!

Oh, I'm ruined!



My whole life is ruined!



Don't worry.

I'll get us out of this mess. Somebody

from the hotel is bound to save us.



They'll come and rescue us

just like the cavalry. Don't worry.

It's not like we're gonna suffocate.



There's plenty of fresh air.



Oh, before I forget...

Here's a little something for you

on behalf of the boys and myself,



just to show

there are no hard feelings.



It's a pass to the boys' performance

on the telly tonight.

Oh, my God.



Thank you.

Oh, by the way, there are some members

of the press downstairs.



They'd like to chat

with you a bit. You don't

have any objections, do you?



Reporters? Well...

Well, what do they wanna

talk to me for?



They just wanna

ask you a few questions.



You must be Al. Hi. I'm Cindy.

Hi, Cindy. I'm glad you could make it.



Uh, can I...

can I take your coat?



Yeah. Sure.

Can I fix you a drink?



A Coke, please.

Man Announcing]



Well, what kind of party

do you have in mind, Al?



Well, uh, actually, Cindy,

it was more like a picnic.



Look at that.



All right. She's probably

gonna end up in one of those houses.



She is gonna end up

in one of those houses.



It's all your fault.



Hey. Here she comes.

How 'bout a big smile for the camera?



There you go.

How does it feel

to be in the limelight?



Would you do it again?

I don't know. I didn't...



Hold it right there.

That's it. Thank you.



Different generation here.



Okay. Could the people

in the front please sit down

for the benefit of those in the back?



Thank you. Now, I'd like

to introduce you to the young lady...



I told you about: Miss Pam Mitchell.



How does it feel to be the number-one

Beatle fan in New York?



Miss Mitchell?

Miss Mitchell?



Millions of young girls

across the country dream about

what you've done today.



Perhaps you'd like to tell them...

How did you feel...



actually being

in the Beatles' hotel room?



Well, I, um...



It's kind of hard

to put into words, but...



I guess it... it was...



it was wonderful,



The most wonderful feeling

I've ever had in my life.



Al, would you mind

if I switched to Ed Sullivan?

'Cause the Beatles are gonna be on.



I don't... care.

Anything you want.




Try to land one of these.




Thank you.

Thank you very much. Yeah.

Something really nice happened here.



The Beatles got a real kick out of it

because we received a wire...

or they did...



from Elvis Presley

and Colonel Tom Parker...



wishing them

the most tremendous success

in our country.



I think that was really,

really, really nice.



Now, you know,

this particular season has seen

many, many exciting acts,



like the Little Italian Mouse,

Topo Gigio, Belgium's Singing Nun,

Sister Sourire...



Well, kid, looks like your old man

really stuck it to ya this time.



The Sullivan show's already started.

You may as well go home.



Oh, no. They'll let us in,

even if we're late, just so long

as we've got the tickets, okay?



Give you one of my genuine

Beatles bedsheets. You can have a Paul.



I'm gonna miss

The Ed Sullivan Show.




There's no way we can miss

The Ed Sullivan Show.

I know where there's a TV,



and besides,

the Beatles are the last act.



They always save the best acts for last.

That way you have to sit through

all the commercials.



I got tickets

to see 'em in person!



I won 'em on the radio!



Yeah, well,

that's what I was saying.



We're... No... Wait...

We're trapped!



Oh, please, get us out!

Somebody save us!

We're trapped like rats!



That's right. Clear out.

All right. Get back.



All right. Hold it down.

Open up.



Pam, did you touch them? Can I

touch you where you touched them?

I didn't touch them.



Can I have your autograph?




- Pam, can we have your autograph?

- Sign my cast.



You'd better hurry

if you wanna see the show.

Can I touch you?



Excuse me.




Bye-bye. Take care.




Who's that guy?

Oh, that's Neil.

He's really nice. You'd like him.



Yeah. Let's go. You had me worried;

I hope you know that.

I'm sorry,



but today

was just so incredibly important...



I'm gonna let it go this time,

but you are going to have to start

acting a little more responsible.



You're hurting me.



Pam, where's my ring?




My ring.



A paid a hundred and...

I paid $    for that ring.

Where is it?



It's, um... It's in my shoe.

I put it in my shoe.



Well, get it the hell out of your shoe.

I just thought that would be the safest place

for it when I was running around here.



I couldn't think

of anything else to do with it,

because I lost my purse on our way here.



It was just in the car,

and I'm sorry. L...

Come on. Let's get outta here.



Hey. Psst. There he is.



Hey, watch where you're walkin'!

This is a free country.

I can walk where I want!



Then walk on the expressway!



Okay. Come on. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Got the tickets?



Of course I got the tickets!



Come on. Let me see 'em.



There ain't no tickets

in here!




Now, come on.

Let's go.



No. Dad!









- Dad! Oh, Dad!

- Now, sit in there!



I said sit in there!

Oh, Jesus. No.



I said stay in that chair.

Do you wanna see that show

or don't you?



Look at that. You ever

see a haircut like that before?




Isn't that something? How would

you like to have a kid like that?




Got into town last night,

and I saw him from the back...

I thought it was my daughter.




I told him, "If you don't get a haircut,

you'll have to wear a sign. "



That somethin'?




All right then. Go to work.



All right.

Now, just take it easy.

Nobody's gonna hurt ya.



Now, be a man,

and everything'll be fine.






All right, kid.

How do ya want it?



I want him to look

like a marine.



- Oh, my God!

He's just been hit by a bus!



L... I think he's in shock!



Mister, please. Can I use your coat?

We've gotta keep him covered.



- He looks bad. You'd better give him

some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.



Uh, right. Uh, could

you call an ambulance,




There's a phone booth

right outside.

Okay. Okay.

Give him some mouth-to-mouth.



Did you hear what I said?

Give him some mouth-to-mouth.



More oxygen!



- Oh, great. Come on.

- What the...



Hello? Hello?



Aah. It's dead.

It's completely dead,



just like everything else

in this roach trap.



I knew it.

I knew this would happen.



It's because I'm being punished.

I'm being punished because

I missed Mass this morning.



Hey. A trapdoor.

Of course! A trapdoor!



All elevators have to have trapdoors;

that's the law. With this, you can

crawl to the fifth floor!



Oh, no. You'd better not.

That looks awful dangerous.




Why, this isn't dangerous.



I'll tell you what's dangerous...

the time I got thrown

off the Long Island Railroad.



Now, that was dangerous.

This isn't even moving!



No. That's what I was afraid of...

a safety interlock.



We'll never

get these doors open.



Oh, it's hopeless.

The show's already started.

We may as well forget about it.



Forget about it?

Forget about the Beatles?

What, are you screwy or somethin'?



What else can we do?

We've tried everything else.



It's only two-eighths-inched

plate glass.



These doors are pretty flimsy,

like everything else in this fleabag.




Come on!



What are you waitin' for?



Just think. In a couple ofhours,

you're gonna be Mrs. Eddie Lupus.



Mrs. Eddie Lupus.

I like the way that sounds.



Hey, it's gonna

be a great life for us, Mrs. Lupus.



And why shouldn't it be?

I've got a greatjob. Heck, I'm in on

the ground floor of somethin'really big.



These plastic furniture covers

are the thing of the future.

We'll have to skimp the first few years...



and we won't be able

to go out much, but who cares?



We'll have each other.

Mr. And Mrs. Eddie Lupus,

till death us do part.



- I'd rather see the Beatles.

- What?



- Eddie, stop the car. I wanna get out.

- What are you talking about?



I've got this ticket to see the Beatles,

and I don't wanna miss it.



- We're getting married.

- I can't do it, Eddie.

I can't marry you.



- What did you say?

- I just can't marry you.

I don't want to anymore.



Pam, what the hell have you

been doing here in New York?



- I've just realized that there are

more things in life for me besides marriage.

- More thing... Like what?



Like the Beatles.




Pamela! You come back here!

Did you hear me?



Did you hear me?

Come back here!



Woman Narrating, Indistinct]


More, more. Oh, yeah.



Faster, faster, faster.

When it's least expected, you're the star.



- Don't miss Candid Camera tonight

at   :    :   Central, here on CBS.

- Ooh, yeah.



Candid Camera. That's it!



Come on, Larry.

Come on.



Hey, Tony, what are you really

gonna do with that ticket?



I told ya. I'm gonna scalp it.

Do you mind?



You know, Rosie could

really use that ticket. If you're

just gonna sell it to some stranger...



Look, how am I supposed to

find Rosie? You want Rosie to have

a ticket, you go find her and give her yours.



Oh, my God! That's her!

She's here! Rosie! Hey, Rosie!




Wait a minute!



I won tickets on the ra...

You won 'em too! Oh!



Come on!



And now,

right now, from Paris, France,

Good. Rub it in. Rub it in.



- Faster. Faster. Oh!

- here is Pierre Porlier

and his performing poodles.



So let's really bring them on

with a nice welcome, shall we? Come on.



Excuse me. Excuse me.



Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Excuse me.




Excuse me.







What are you doing here?

Oh, I got this ticket.



Hey, get these mongrels

off the stage! We wanna see

some real entertainment.



I hate dogs,

and I always have.






That's good. Oh... Ooh.

Faster. Faster. Faster.



Oh, that's good.

Now, get the ketchup. Get the ketchup.



Put a little ketchup

on the side. Ketchup.



Smile. You're on Candid Camera!



Hey! Hey!

Watch the birdie!

Say "cheese"!



- What are you doin'?

What the hell are you doin'?

- Look. Don't worry.



I'll have these proofs sent to your house,

and you and your wife can select the prints

you'd like at your own convenience.



- What are you doin' to me?

What do you want?

- If you prefer to have the negatives...



processed somewhere else, I'd be

more than happy to sell them to you

at the incredible discount rate...



of only $  .



- Fifty bucks? That's blackmail!

- Look, Al, I happen to be in a hurry.



Fine. Okay. Okay.

Fifty bucks.



Smart move, Al.



You're never gonna regret this.

You know, I'm lettin' you off easy.



Here's your film, Al.



You're not goin' anywhere

with my money.



No! No! No!



Get your goddamn hands

off her, you...



Audience Applauds]



Oh, Larry,

you were just wonderful!



Let's get the hell out of here.

Come on. Come on. Come on.



Just... Just sensational.

I'll be right back with the Beatles...



after this word about Aeroshave.



Now, ladies and gentlemen

here in the studio audience,



right after these commercial announcements,

we're going to bring out the Beatles.



All right now.

Just simmer down.

Simmer down. Relax.



Let's just try

to take it easy.






This thing handles pretty well.



Now, I wanna remind you...

all you people... to keep your seats.



Remain seated

for the entire show.



All of you stay in your seats,

especially you folks up there

in the balcony.



You... young man up there...

would you please sit down there,




Who, me?

Yes, you.



Now, will you please

take off that ridiculous hat?



- Okay, Ed.

- How can people behind s...



be able to see

with that ridiculous hat on there?



All right, Ed.

Please. Let's have

no more outbursts like that.



Let's set a nice example...

Would you like me

to take my coat off too?



All right. Take that off, too,

but sit down, please.



Jesus Christ.






Come on! What do you think this is,

a funeral or somethin'?



Larry, it's a red light!



I can see it's a red light!



We want the Beatles! We want the Beatles!

Now, you promised.



You promised.

Look, so far tonight,

you've all been very well behaved.



Now, let's not spoil it.

I don't wanna have to bring

a barber out here.



That's right. I've got a barber

standing byjust in case.



He's gonna come out

and clip those youngsters

with his clipper.



I'm not kidding.

  Brylcreem, a little dab'll do ya  



  Brylcreem, you look so debonair  



  Brylcreem, the gals'll all pursue ya  



 They love to get their fingers

in your hair   



You nitwit!



Serves you right, you moron!



As pain mounts up,

you feel dull, depressed, nerves on edge.

Please get those title cards in focus.



You can't read this shit.

How do I know which one's Ringo?



I think he plays the guitar.

What guitar?

There's three guitars.



Jesus Christ. I've got a headache

that's gonna slam through my ears.

Where the hell is Ed?



It's a one-way street!

I'm only goin' one way.



You got the   ?




Come on.



All right, kid.

You're goin' down a one-way street

the wrong way.



Let me see your license.



I haven't got a license.

You don't have a license, huh?

Then who belongs to this car?



- It's my father's.

- Okay, kid.



You're gonna have to go down

to the station house and call your old man

from there. Out of the car.



Excuse me.

Excuse me, Officer.

This kid here...



This kid, he's...

he's my boyfriend,



and, um,

I was just wondering...



if there's any other way we could

take care of this.



Driving without a license

is a very serious offense.



I know, Officer,

but, uh,



you think his fine

would be more than $  ?



That sounds about right.



Well, um, Officer,



my friend and I were both

really in kind of a hurry.



And I was wondering...

if we were to pay you the fine

right now,



do you think you could

take care of it for us?



Well, it's an irregular procedure,

but in this case,

I'll make an exception.



Thank you.



- All right, kid.

I'm gonna give you a break this time.

- Thank you, sir.



But let this be a lesson to ya.



- Thanks a lot, Grace.

- Forget it.



And, you know,

all day yesterday and today,



the theater's been absolutelyjammed

with newspapermen...

Oh, my God.



I'm gonna see Paul.

And photographers, and they all agree

there has never been anything...



like the excitement caused by these...

I'm gonna see Paul right here.



Stand by. One minute. When they come out

there, I want you to keep that audio down,

mister. I don't wanna see that needle...



Tony! Tony, don't do it!



Janis, what the hell

do ya think you're doin'?



- What do you think you're doing?

- I know what I'm doing.



I'm puttin' an end

to this Beatles bullshit

once and for all.



That's crazy, Tony!

You could get electrocuted!

You could blow this whole building up!



You might even get killed!



Yeah? Well,

what about that scuzzy hair?



- What if everybody starts

runnin' around lookin' like that?

- Oh, please, Tony! Please!



- Just listen to me for a minute.

- Forget it, Janis! Fifty million TV sets

are all gonna go black,



and there ain't a damn thing

that you or anybody else

can do about it!



Okay! All right!



You want 'em?

You got 'em. You got 'em.



Oh, shit!



So now, ladies and gentlemen,

here they are... the Beatles!



-   She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



  She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



  She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  



 You think you've lost your love  



 Well, I saw her yesterday  



 It's you she's thinkin'of

and she told me what to say  



 She says she loves you  



 And you know that can't be bad  



  Yes, she loves you

and you know you should be glad  



  She said you hurt her so  



  She almost lost her mind  



  But now she says she knows  



 You're not the hurting kind  



  She says she loves you

and you know that can't be bad  



  Yes, she loves you

and you know you should be glad  




She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah  



 She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



 And with a love like that

you know you should be glad  



 You know it's up to you  



  I think it's only fair  



 And pride can hurt you too  



 Apologize to her  



 Because she loves you

and you know that can't be bad  



 She loves you

and you know you should be glad  



  Ooh, she loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



  She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



 With a love like that

you know you should be glad  



  With a love like that

you know you should be glad  



 With a love like that

you know you should  



  Be glad  



  Yeah, yeah, yeah  



  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah   



I can't believe this.



I'm gonna

dedicate all those fine songs...



toJohnny Carson, Randy Parr

and Earl Wilson.



Just a reminder: The Beatles'll

be back next week from Miami Beach.



Also, the fabulous Budapest Ballerinas,

a young impressionist who does

a great impression of me...




and a host of many,

many fine acts.



- Please drive carefully, and we'll see you

again next week. Good night. Good night.

- Rosie. Rosie.



Rosie. Rosie.



What happened?

What happened?



Rosie, you fainted.

You missed the whole show.



I know.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.



It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

Forget it. Forget it.



You could've got your pictures,

and it's all my fault.

Oh, for goodness sakes.



Let's just forget it, okay?

Let's not even talk about it anymore.



Why don't we talk

about something else?



Why don't we talk

about that dance Friday night,




What time

you wanna pick me up?

You wanna go to the dance with me?







- So then you're asking me?

- Yeah.



Yeah. Yeah.

The Valentine's Dance, huh?



That'll be a gas.



- Here comes the fuzz.

I'm gonna be sick.




You're on my hands.

I'm not on your hands.



- This isn't the right car.

- This isn't the right car.



There it is! Their car!

Never mind.



What are you staring at?

Get these boys out ofhere.



- Sure, mister. Sure.

- Did you hear me?

For God's sake, get these boys out of here...



before they're trampled to death.



Drive, Larry. Drive!



Oh, great.



Come on. Come on, driver.

Would you give me a break?



Pull the choke.



Look! There they go!

Hey, wait a minute.



That limo's gotJersey plates.



Nah. Couldn't be.



 She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



 She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



 She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  



  You think you've lost your love  



  Well, I saw her yesterday  



 It's you she's thinkin'of

and she told me what to say  



 She says she loves you

and you know that can't be bad  



  Yes, she loves you

and you know you should be glad  



 She said you hurt her so  



 She almost lost her mind  



 But now she says she knows  



  You're not the hurting kind  



 She says she loves you

and you know that can't be bad  



  Yes, she loves you

and you know you should be glad  




She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah  



 She loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah  



  With a love like that

you know you should be glad  



  With a love like that

you know you should be glad  



  With a love like that

you know you should  



 Be glad  



  Yeah, yeah, yeah  



  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah   

Special help by SergeiK