Ice Pirates Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ice Pirates script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robert Urich sci-fi movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ice Pirates. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Ice Pirates Script



Range is 120.



Closing  785 per second.



Looks like a Y-class freighter

on the starboard fringe.






ZP-183. She's lined up perfectly.



Laser shields on.



Let's get it over with.



Looks good.



Seal it up.



- Let me get it.

- I got it.



Will you let me get it?



Take care of him.



Yeah, sure. Take care of him.



Take care of him.



Take care of him.



You take care of him.



Take care of him.






What's going on?



Got a bad program.



We always have bad programs.



Fifteen gallons says our robots

can beat anything they got on this ship.



He's coming back.



What's going on here?



- Who are you people?

- Maintenance, ma'am.



You don't belong on this ship. Guard!



Come on.



Whose quarters are these?



Princess Karina of Argon, you pirate...



Everything all right, madam?



Go on.



Yes, thank you. Everything's fine.



I thought I saw a mouse.



Would you like me

to check on it for you, madam?



No, thank you. That won't be necessary.



Just the raving imagination

of an old woman.



By the by...



Come on, let's go.



- She's a real princess.

- Good. Let's go.



Maybe we should take her with us.



For the ransom.



Jason, you promised you wouldn't do this.



It's all clear.



I'll say.



She's beautiful.



What a waste.



Farewell, my beauty.



What happened to "we rape, we pillage"?



Tell Your Highness she just slept

through the finest moment of her life.






Spring water. I can smell it from here.



Just take a look at that. I'm retiring.



Retiring? Let's just get the ice first.



He's all yours, Maida.



Let him go. Just get down there.



Let's go!



Pirates! Sound the alarm!



Sorry to interrupt.



Thanks very much.



I just stole those!



Get them!



I guess we got you pegged.



Everything okay?



Yeah. Come on.



Jason, it's in here.



Get him out of here!



My hand! Don't forget my hand!



Use the robots! Use them!



Get in there. Attack him.



Get in there. Come on, you next.



Let's get him!



I'm on your side, you piece of junk!



How much do we pay for these things?



That's a TX-  .



It's more money

than all of ours put together. Attack him!



I want my money back!



Watch your leg!



Attack. Not me, you idiot! Him.

Get in there. Come on.



Come on, coward, move. Get in there.



Get in there. Get him, jump him.






Chop him. Get in there.



Swing. Jump. Kick. Sixty-two. Four. Good.



Attack him, hit him,

work him, get in there.



Jump him. Yeah, take him.



What you looking at? Pop him.



Hit him, do what I told you to do!

Watch your neck.



Yeah! He tries harder.



Little guys try harder. Why am I so tired?



Come here.



You, come on.



You see down there?



Power off in C section, sir.



Check it on the auxiliary system.



It's a negative.



Nobody move. Hands on your heads.



Get them up.



- Warriors.

- Tell them to stop.



Call them off or I'll kill you.



- I mean it.

- Cease.



Very funny.



It's all yours, laddies.



Come on! Move it! Let's get out of here!



- You want a lizard's leg?

- Yeah.



So how long has the Princess

been on board?



You'd be well-advised

to stay clear of Her Ladyship.



She didn't look dangerous to me.



They'll blow up the whole damn ship!



I'm not going to blow up the ship.

Time to leave.



    get him! Go, go!



Doing it by the book again.



Look, pal, let's just get out of here.






You all right? What the hell are you doing?



Come on. This way.



This way!



We didn't give them enough time.



We got   million gallons, minimum.

I guarantee it.



Keep going. I'll catch up.



There's a whole fleet out there.



I'll meet you at the interlock.



Come on.



Keep up the good work.



I know you're all wrapped up,

but this will only take a second.



What the hell's going on? Where's Jason?






Not the girl?



God damn it, he's gonna get us all killed.



He's dead. Let's get out of here.



Come on!



They're into the ice hold. Come on.



- Nanny?

- Sorry.






Make way. Excuse me. Make way.



- Who are you?

- Fire drill, ma'am.



Women and humans first.



Stop them, you fools! He's one of them!



Come, this way!



I don't know who you are, sir,

but I demand that you put me down!



Put me down!



I'll bite it off!



I'll cut it off!



Always losing his head over women.



I'll have every ship in the Galaxy

after your filthy hides!



- They already are.

- Put me down, you stupid fellow!



Alarm from the freighter Metterak, sir.

They report pirates on board.



Set converging course.

Sound battle stations.



You were given extra ships...



to destroy the pirates

in this sector, Captain.



One extra squadron, sir.



There are thousands of planets

in this area alone...



where they can hide.



Is it a lack of ships, Commander...



or a lack of resolve?



Pirate craft identified on Metterak, sir.



Arm all batteries. Prepare to fire.



- How's your stump?

- Depressing.



- Warships closing.

- Distance?



Thank you.



Sixteen seconds.



- Reciprocal course.

- You're kidding.



We're going right at them.



Right at them.



That ship looks big enough

to survive a collision.



The control room and Commander won't.



Fire all batteries.



The speed of convergence

will trap us in the blasts.



- He's not changing course.

- Neither are we.



Collision danger, six seconds.



Five seconds. Four seconds.



- Three seconds. Two seconds.

- Alter course to starboard.



Spring water for supper?



Reduce speed to Green  .

Initiate evasive tactics, Delta pattern.



- They're already on to that pattern.

- Is the new one ready?



Better ask our computer expert.



I haven't quite...



I think they've found us.



Spin left, arm main batteries.

We better take separate pods.



- Good luck.

- See you in Zagora.



Spin left.



Prepare to break.






Spin to port.



Spin to port!



It's not happening.

The directionals are out.



Why do they always follow our section?



It's up to you, partner.



Templar pigs.



Here they come.



Get that one there. Good!



Here comes another one. Get him.

Great. All right! Over here.



Quit that!



That one, get him.



You missed him.



Take her out of here!



If you resist...



we shall kill everyone on board,

including the wounded.



Call him off.



Back off!



Take them.



Even your robots are insolent.



Fortunately, your days of amusement...



are coming to an end.



Killing you would be too easy.



I have something better in mind for you.






- You missed me.

- More!



- All right, back off there!

- I didn't get any.



Is that all?



- Here, power to the people, man.

- There you go.



More for me.



Jason, you want your soup?






Give you this gold piece for half the soup.



Food's more important.



Tell you what I'll do.



I'll let you have it

for a quarter of what you got left there.



Okay. Deal.



Hide it well.



What you in for?



Petty theft, grand larceny.



You son of a bitch! Where's my necklace?



- I don't know what you're talking about!

- Don't you lie to me, you little punk!



Hey, he said he doesn't have it.



Maybe you dropped it or something.



Maybe you took t!



Maybe. Do you want to go ahead

and search me?



You want to go ahead

and search everyone here?



- I'm sure no one would mind.

- That's a lot of people to search.



They're not going

to let you keep it anyway.



We've all got

the same sentence, remember?



If I catch the son of a bitch,

I'll kill him anyway.



It's always the same in the slave section.



The closer we get to Mithra...



the more everyone gets to thinking

about being redesigned.






Yeah, castrated. Lobotomized.



It's a new process.

They say it doesn't hurt.



They do that to everybody in this section?



Yeah, everyone except for the Monk.



They don't castrate clergy, just in case.



Just in case what?



Just in case there really is a God.



Look. There it is.



- Mithra.

- It's the water planet.



It's the water planet.



Look at the lakes.



God, I can smell them from here.



They're not lakes, they're fields.



They keep the water covered

so it doesn't evaporate.



There still must be plenty of it

to waste on fields like that.



Not when you consider...



it's the only source of water

left in the Galaxy.



If we get out of this, that's it. I'm quitting.



There's no way we're getting out of this.



If we do,

I'm going to start my own business.



- We've already got our own business.

- Legitimate.



- Legitimate? Doing what?

- Making robots.



But you aren't very good at that.



- People are making a fortune with them.

- I know.



- What are you going to use for water?

- Investors.



People with water don't have to invest.



They already got everything they want.



That's why we're pirates, remember?



I'd rather not talk to you, okay?



Royal scum.



What do you know about her?



She's the daughter of His Lordship,

Count Vasco of Argon.



The explorer?



He disappeared three months ago,

searching for the seventh world.



Seventh world?

Still chasing that old wives' tale?



She's being honored at the royal court

in memory of her beloved father.



She doesn't even know they killed him.



- Who killed him?

- Templars. May they all end in thirst.



Power to the people!



Stand clear.






Good luck, my sons.

Remember, God saves.



You mean it?



Power to the people!



Walk off your jobs!



Turn off your machines!



Workers unite!



Say, you get your overtime last week?



No. And they cheated me

out of two hours.



If they don't pay us soon,

I'm gonna do something drastic.



But not now, please.



I'll need two of those, please.



Hi. Any chance you can help me

get out of this?






Maybe we can just get together

later, then.



I don't think you'll be up for it.



Oh, God.



Turn off your machines!



Walk off your jobs!



Power to the people!



I never thought anything like this

was gonna happen!



Relax, be cool, and whatever you do...



don't panic.



Just pretend that it happened.



Do as you're told or it will happen.






Look alert there.

Thank you. I'll take over from here.



How does that feel?



Perfect, madam, thank you.



Good. Step down and stand over there.



Yes, ma'am.



How does that feel?



- A little snug.

- Good.



Step down and stand over there.



This is where the completed units

are finally inspected...



and shipped to the retailers.



Turn around and present yourselves.



Your Highness, may I?



Thank you.

They are fine-looking specimens.



Yes. Sometimes I think

it's a shame that they...



do all the things that they do to them.



Now, I don't know

what your personal preference is...



but this one

has excellent form and definition.



- May I?

- Certainly.



- He also looks a lot younger than that one.

- Definitely.



And more intelligent.



Basically, they're all the same

when it comes to that.



- What about the black ones?

- Oh, yes.



We found them to be very popular.



So what do you think, then, Nanny?



I think we should

take the black one, definitely.



He'll go very well with the new wallpaper.



As far as the others are concerned,

I don't think it really matters.



Then, I suppose we'll take...



this one.



He's certainly not the biggest or the best...



but that won't matter in the sewage plant.



That's true.



Excellent, then.



If you'll step this way, I'll give you

the service manuals and contract forms.



This way, Your Highness.



The Princess will explain later

why she saved you.



In the meanwhile,

you will work as her slaves.



Any failure to behave as you're expected,

and I shall take great personal pleasure...



in seeing that what remains

of your masculinity...



is removed forever.



Do you understand?



Yes, ma'am.



Yes, ma'am.



Come along, then.



- She say anything yet?

- Who?



The Princess.



No. I got to get back to work.






Ledova, where you been? Come on up!



- You could've waited for me.

- Ledova, come on up here!



You ought to try it. You'll like it.



I'm trying to quit.






You're not supposed to care

about that anymore, remember?



A splendid party, my dear.



I congratulate you.



I'm glad you think so.



Isn't that the...



The pirates.

I bought them this morning at the factory.



I couldn't resist when I saw them

in the showroom.



I can imagine.



They make fine slaves, don't you think?



- Slave, check this robot.

- Yes, sir.



Right here.



Hey, I said, over here.



Okay, don't get tense. That's a good spot.



May I?



And do you think you could

get me a sandwich or something?



What are you doing here?



Just spreading the good word

and trying to save my ass.



What's going on?



- Don't do that!

- Hi.



She wants to see us.



She's planning on leaving or something.



He wants us to bring him a sandwich.



Or some cake. Anything with sugar in it.



We have exactly half an hour

to get to the launching pad.



Where are we going?



You're taking me to the pirates' moon.



It's not a pretty place for a lady.



No doubt,

but I have important business there.



Princess Karina!



Can I speak with you for a moment?



Come on.






This way.



Stop them!



Care for a drink?









This way.



Wait for me! Coming your way!



Let's go.



Hey, wait! Wait for me!



Slow down, Jas!



Jas, let me up here!



Jas, don't forget about me, buddy!









Baby. Mommy.



Jas, get me...



Let's get out of here! Come on!



Wait up for me. Don't go so fast.



Hey, Jas!



Hey, bloods.

Y'all want to pump some kitties?



- Yeah.

- No.



Hey, it's been a long time.



Finest kitties on Mithra.



No. Get the hell out of here.



Transportation and exotic cribs

be included.



Yeah, bloods.

These mamas transport your asses...






We take water, gold...



credit cards, and high-priced-type drugs.



- Yeah.

- I heard that. You got the deal.



Let's go, bloods. This be my bad chariot.



Did they at any time

say where they were going?



Did you hear what they said?



Well, what did they say?



They really must try

and teach these things how to speak.



Couldn't you just tell me, a ship?



- Range and bearings?

-  - - .



- Cross-tracking air?

- Check.



Corrected velocity? What the hell is that?



Ouija game.



Forget that and program the course.

Seven seconds.



Don't give them an inch.



- Two, one...

- Clear.



- Anything on radar?

- No. Why?



It all seemed too easy to me.



- Anything?

- No. All clear.



- Except for him.

- What's "him"?



This little thing?

He's just the ship's garbage robot. Look.



Congratulations, ladies.

You're now bona fide pirates.



Should be in Zagora in about three days.



- Do you know this man?

- Yeah.



That's an old friend of mine.



What do you know about him?



His name is Lanky Nibs.

A rabble-rouser from the midsection.



- Can you arrange for me to see him?

- Why?



It's a private matter.



Tough guy to deal with.



He's a pirate. I'm sure he can be bought.



And what do you intend to buy him with?



The water on this ship.



- You've got three problems there.

- Which are?



Your partners.



I do believe we have the controlling vote.



This ship and everything on it

belongs to me.



- Not anymore.

- Wrong.



You don't actually think we believe

you're going to use that, do you?



You should.



- Who's going to fly this ship?

- I will.



Find the pirate moon all by yourself?



He's already fed the course

into the computer.



I can always find it again.



I still don't think you'll use it.



Is that because

you consider yourself so charming...



that this Galaxy

couldn't survive without you?



Or is it simply because

you're too stupid to realize...



just how close to dying you really are?



I like the first one, don't you?



I think she means it.



Let me make our relationship

perfectly clear.



You will do exactly as I say

until we reach Zagora.



I've taken the precaution

of reprogramming the vid...



so that if anyone tampers

with the water on board...



this ship will self-destruct.



Percy, keep an eye on them.



Yes, ma 'am.



What can you do with the vid?



Nothing. Can't touch it.



- Percy?

- Yes, sir.



Bet you're a real tough guy, aren't you?



Let me demonstrate.



Identify yourself.



Your humble servant Zorn, my lord.



Come closer.






They want me to disconnect.



Give up my body.



I can still feel with it.



After all these eons, I still feel.



Give me your hand.



What other news?



Princess Karina...



escaped in the warship as planned.



Like father, like daughter.



Genes are a compelling force.



You must be forever vigilant, Zorn.



We cannot fail in this matter.



Everything is proceeding as planned,

my lord.



Base One, this is  -PQ. Frequency  -JD- .



Base One, this is  -PQ. Frequency  -JD- .



Late of the Eagle.



JD-  ID's correct. How's that?



A little static, but not bad.

How are things in Zagora?



Drying up. You're the first deep spacer in,

in three months.



- Hope you're loaded.

- That's a negative.



- Did the Eagle return?

- Yeah, what was left of her.



- What happened?

- I don't know.



Must have been pretty bad.

They went straight to the bar.



Templars have wiped out

half the pirate fleet in the past six months.



Things are getting bad.

If you have any water on board, be careful.



Thanks, Beak. Any other news?



Nothing much. Another group of pioneers

went out to find the seventh world.



- And?

- They were decimated in the time warp.



Only the kids made it back...



and most of them were too old

to even walk.



... tuned to beacon Z- .



- See you in a couple of hours.

- Thanks, Beak.



- What?

- You put that on me?



- What?

- That thing!



What thing?

What the hell are you talking about?



Something jumped on me

when I was sleeping.



- What's that on your back?

- What's on my back?



- There's blood on your back.

- What?



Blood! There's blood on your back.



It went under there.

Help me move this thing.



- What was it?

- I don't know what it was.



- You sure you didn't put that on me?

- I didn't put anything on you.



What is that?



It could be dangerous!



- It went down the grid.

- What the hell was that?



I don't know!

Must have come out of this thing here.



Some kind of petrified egg.



- Where'd this come from?

- The closet.



I remember seeing it fall

out of the box in the closet.



The manifest.



Box B-  .



  ? Okay, here we go.



         B-  .



Oh, no.



What is it?



Space herpe.






Dormant form.



"Keep away from heat and moisture.



"Extremely dangerous when activated.






Oh, boy.






- Oh, great.

- Put that down.



Get rid of it!



Hey, you guys,

Her Ladyship wants to see us.



She's decided to give us

a third of all the water...



if we help her in Zagora.



Did you see anything out there?



No. Why? What happened?



The ship just got herpes.



Give it to me!



No! It's mine!



Out of my water!



There'll be no more spit with the shine...



unless we get a ship

with some water in it.



This way.



Get out of my way!



Come on!



Better not mention that you're a princess.



I think you're right.



Jason, you never keep

any of your promises.



- I don't? I will next time. I promise.

- You will?



- Promise?

- Loosest women in the Galaxy.



Just my size, spaceman.

How about a good time?






It'll be coming up in a minute.



Don't be a space age.



So, did you get away

with everything intact?



Yeah. I had a little help.



- Tell you all about it...

- Hey, Jason.



Your Highness.



- Roscoe!

- How are you...



- Shit.

- I'm sorry, Zeno. I forgot, man.



Works perfectly.



- Still the same old Zeno.

- Killjoy.



Not a slow one in the batch.



They're fresh from the lower sector

this morning.



It's the cute one and the nigger.



I meant the black gentleman.



Black gentleman.



- So, what happened to the Eagle?

- We lost the starboard section.



- The whole section?

- Meteorite. The directionals went out.



Yeah, and we just heard from Beak.

They've put a bounty out on your heads.



$  million.



$  million, I might turn myself in.



That's it. I'm going to Zap's.



- Do you want to go?

- Later.



- You got any water?

- Is the sun bright?



They're playing my song.



Would you like to come?



Zeno, have you seen Lanky Nibs?



He disappeared.

Somebody said he got sick or something.



He's up at Sweetwater.



What's he doing in Sweetwater?



Hiding out.



From what?



No one knows.



Jason! They told me you were dead.



Come on over here and give me a hug.



- I knew they wouldn't get you.

- So, what have you got today?



We have a special.

Solar steamers and live fondue.



You always have solar steamers.



- What would you like?

- Nothing, thank you.



- Just bring a couple of drinks.

- Lf you want anything else, just ask me.



- You're very beautiful.

- Thank you.



He's not here.



- Where's Sweetwater?

- About    miles outside of town.



Can we go?



- We'd need a land craft for that.

- And?



And the only person I know

who's got a land craft...



- is that guy sitting right over there.

- Thank you.



That's a guy?



He works for the city,

so we can't bribe him with water...



but maybe if you were real nice to him...



he'd do us a favor,

if you know what I mean.



Not a chance.



Then I guess we don't go.



You're a bastard.



I've been told that.



Have you any suggestions

as to how I should handle this?



Just have a lot of fun.






That wasn't very nice.



Believe me, she had it coming.



She seems to know what she's doing.






Your he is a she,

and she thinks you're wonderful.



She does?



I think you better go over there

and see what you can do, Jason.



No way.



No water, then.



You wouldn't.



Try me.



You still haven't told me

why you need to see Lanky Nibs.



He knows where my father is.



I'm going to remember this.



I'm sure you will.



Want me to go with you?



No, I think he'd do much better

on his own.



You're a mighty

fine-looking woman, ma'am.



I'd consider it an honor

if you did this dance with me.



No, thank you.



I'm afraid you don't understand, ma'am.

I'm insisting.



The lady said no.



Get lost, bitch!






Did you see that?



Sic her.



Feeling better?



Call the dog off. That's my dog.



I think you owe the lady and me

an apology.



My apologies.



You didn't sound too sincere to me.



I'm sorry.



Don't believe him. He's lying.



Do you mind

if I ask you something personal?






Do you like my blouse?



Do you like the color?

I mean, do you think it suits me?



I'm being silly.



No, you're not being silly.



I think it's very flattering.



It's exactly the kind of thing

that drives men crazy.



Wouldn't you say, Jason?



It's very nice.

Green is definitely your color.



Thank you.



Hands on the wheel, darling.

Plenty of time for that later.



Why don't you wait here?



Be careful.



Don't worry.

I'll keep an eye on him for you.






Missed it.

The buggers are stealing me blind.



Lanky, what happened to you?



You shouldn't have come, Jason.



What are you talking about?



She knows.

They followed you, don't you know that?



Nobody followed.

What the hell happened to you?



You mean the bod?



Yeah, the bod.



Time warp.



Lost    years in    seconds.



You're looking for your father?






You have his manner.



Son of a bitch, missed them again.



- Those nippers have hard heads.

- What do you know about my father?



He's a good man, fine spacer.



He captured me

in the midsection three months ago.



What happened?



He told me

the wars were coming to an end.



The Galaxy was getting a second chance.



His entire crew were changed beings.



I've never seen such joy

and hope amongst men.



Just from seeing it.



Seeing what?



The seventh world.



They found a way through to the center

in the seventh world.



- And you believed them?

- I saw the tapes, tasted the water.



It's there, Jason.



Just like they always said it was.



But what happened after that?



We flew to a base in the Tri System.



They were there, waiting for us.



- Who?

- Templars.



After your father left the ship,

they came on board...



and massacred the entire crew.



For what?



Power, control.



A planet of water like the seventh world

would destroy their control of the Galaxy.



Then my father is still alive.



It's possible. If he is, he's being held

in the Tri System by Wendon.



How'd you get away?



Played dead.

After they left, I stole the ship.



- I always knew they'd find me.

- Who is it?



- I don't know.

- We're the only ones left who know.



They have to kill us.



Let's get out of here. Come on.



Come on, let's go!



Save yourself.



I'm tired of running, fighting.



What's the matter with you?

Come on, let's go!



What the hell are you doing?



Saving you, you crotchety old fart.



I can still walk on my own.



Come on.



Look out!



Bounty hunters. Come on.



The woman!



- Let's get on them!

- Stop. Please, stop.






All right!



- Just like old times.

- Remember the time when we...



They're coming back!



Come on, guys. Faster!



Just get it started! Go, go, go!









Kill him, Cahones, kill him!



Kill him, Cahones!



Kill him! Cahones?






I'm not the boss.



Good luck, and don't forget to write!



Never thought I'd be dying

before you, Jason.



You're not dying, so stop talking about it.



You always were the optimist.



That's right. We're getting you out of here.



It's his back. It's broken.



I'll miss all you beautiful women...



most of all.



What can I do?



Find it.



It's there, Jason.



Her father knows.



Go to the Tri System.



I'm sorry, Jason.



There never was

and never will be a seventh world.



But you're still coming, right?



Will somebody explain to me

just what a seventh world is?



Didn't they teach you nothing?



Just the basics, like how to

stomp on little people like you.



The six water planets

were destroyed in the galactic war.



Some people believe a seventh planet

spun out of orbit and survived.



- Yeah? Where?

- No one knows, except the lady's father.



If there was one, it would have

been discovered in the last       years.



Not if it's in the center of the Galaxy.

It's impossible to go there.



- It's not impossible.

- What do you know?



You haven't experienced

the time warp at the center.



I don't want to, either.



I've seen ships where healthy men

and even young children...



came back aged and senile.



It's past the Princess's tea time, Percy.

Rattle your rivets.



- Yes, ma 'am.

- You, on the watch bridge...



put those things over there.

The rest of you guys, keep going.



Are we in trouble.



- This the best you could do?

- That's all they had in the town.



- These cost $    .

- $    ?



I told you robots were a good business.



Cleared for blastoff.

Two minutes and counting.



Take your time, guys.



Isn't that Headless?



Yeah. He was sold as scrap.



I haven't quite figured out his program yet,

but he's doing okay.



- Yeah, he looks real good.

- Prepare for blastoff.



- I don't know what we'd do without you.

- All right, keep coming.



Second on the left,

and save your batteries.



...eight, seven...



What do you know about this Tri System?



- Remember Lord Axton's son?

- Weird Wendon?



Yeah. They got fed up with his antics,

so they set him up with his own planet.



What exactly are we going there for?



It's the last place

Lanky saw the Princess's father alive.



Would you keep stirring that, darling?

Let me take a look here at this recipe.



"Half a teaspoon of carrots."



These are big eaters. May as well...



put a few of these things in here.



Yeah! Nice hit, nice hit!



- You ever think about playing this game?

- No, too rowdy for me.



Yeah, know what you mean. Me, too.



- That's barbaric!

- Yeah.



- Man!

- Have you ever been to a Club Red?









It wasn't as good as they advertised.



How disappointing.



That's what I thought.



It says here that the water planet

has so much moisture...



on its surface that it continuously

creates cycles of clouds...



and falling rain.



- Sure.

- You know what that means.



We'll both be able to take

hot, wet baths together.



Watch your backs now.

Hot stuff coming through.



You wanna move those dishes, honey?






I call her Myron.



Nothing but the finest herbs,

my dead mother's stuffing...



and fresh garlic from a real garden.



Okay, now note the juice...



which flows from the initial incision.



Kill it!






My circuits!



- Where'd it go?

- Heating duct, damn it.



What was that?



It was a space herpe.



A what?



Space herpe.



That's disgusting!



How long have you known about this?



- It's the first we've heard of it.

- A couple of days.



- A couple of days.

- It's the first we've heard of it.



And you didn't tell us about it?

That's unforgivable!



How could you do a thing like that?



I want the entire ship searched

before we reach the Tri System.



Yes, sir.



It's really not that dangerous.



That's not what I've been told.



Range    . Closing    .



Bearing correct.



It smells like rotten eggs down here.



We've got a  .  O level.

You should be feeling fine.



You are moving out of visual contact.



Look out!



Welcome to the playroom.



I was wondering if you'd ever come.



- Your father has given up hope.

- Where is he?



Probably moping.

I'm afraid he's lost his sense of humor.



He no longer realizes

that all of life is but a game.



What have you done to him?



I've coddled him

as if he were my own child.



After all, he's responsible for all of this.



I want to see him.



No! You'll make him sick.



And if he dies,

they'll stop taking care of me.



You give us her father...



and we'll take you

to the seventh world with us.



There'll be room for everyone.



What for? We have everything here.



- But you still live in fear.

- It's stimulating.



Besides, I couldn't exist

without servants. Liquid.



You see, I exist exactly the same way

the system exists.



I survive because...



people without water will do anything.



Let me demonstrate.



Zagar, you can kill him now.



Stop or I'll kill him!



Do as she says!



I mean it.



You need some help?



Got them right where I want them.



I know the feeling.



- All right, girls, let that be a lesson to you.

- I have a splitting headache.



Would you happen to have a Tylenol?



You'll need more than Tylenol

if you don't tell me where my father is.



I can't do that.



We'll see about that,

you fat-faced little freak.



You want me to make you?



What are you gonna do,

pull out my fingernails?



Chop off my head?






He's in the Oval Room!



Big, macho guy.



Stand back, ladies.



Do as he says, girls.






You're not my father.



That's not my father.



That's not my father.



It's an Omega robot.



We'll find him.



Don't worry, we'll find him.



How touching.

It always gets me when people cry.



How could I have thought

that thing was my father?



It's just a straightforward program.



Nothing to indicate

he was forced to make it.



There must be something...



some kind of message

in the memory bank?



Zeno, sync to coordinate   .



That's the only non sequitur

in the whole program.



- What is it?

- Some kind of circle.



It's a ring.



Where's my father's ring?



Ring? What ring?



He must have given it to you.



You mean I have value again?



How would you like me to drop-kick you

into the next time zone?



You're so physical.

It really isn't necessary.



It was a gift. He gave it to me!



- What else have you got in there?

- Nothing.



Would you care to make a deposit?



Please work.



They tell me that you are dead...



that there is no hope...



just our own salvation.



It all seems purposeless without you.



But these are good people...



so I shall take them to the seventh world.



The Omega will save Wendon

in case you still survive.



My coordinates are    

on the lona projection.



No deviation is permissible.



If you do...



you will be suspended in time forever.



I love you, Karina.



I can only dream

and pretend that you still exist.



God save us.



At least we know he's still alive.



We're going to find him.



Set course for the meridian.



Aye, aye, Captain.



- Keep a close lookout.

- What about me?



- What's gonna happen to me?

- Don't worry, Captain, I'll take care of him.



I always wanted to get ahead.



Don't drop me, you palooka!

I just got my nose done!



So what do you think?



I'm beginning to believe it.



- What's that?

- Beauford.



- Beauford?

- Beauford. Yeah.



I just rebuilt him.



Looks good.



His motor system

is.   milliseconds faster...



than the finest Omega built.



I don't mean anything by this...



but is there any particular reason

why he's black?



Sure. I wanted him to be perfect.



Hi, guys.



That's good. Yeah, a little harder.



That's perfect. Don't stop.



Yeah, a little... Don't stop.



- Who is it?

- Me, Jason.



I just came by

to see how you were feeling.



Much better, thank you.



I brought the tape I was telling you about.






Thank you, Percy. That was wonderful.



My pleasure, ma 'am.



Talented fellow.



I think I overworked him.



That's a lot of body to rub.



How would you know?



I've been observing it

for the past   billion miles.



What's it called?



The tape.



Passion Storm.



Did you just do that?



Force fields.



You had me worried.



Don't worry.



You're in the hands of a professional.



Slip it in there, darling.



Hello, your environmental chamber

is ready.



The program. ; Passion Storm.



All rights to this material are reserved.



Enjoy yourselves.



I think I should take my saber off.



Let me.



It feels so stiff.



The belt, I mean.



Shouldn't you be at the controls?



If you insist.



- What's going on?

- I don't know, I just got here myself.



Percy, let's see what's happening.



Maida, what's going on?



We've got an unidentified ship on our tail.



I don't believe it.



It's moving five times faster

than anything I've seen.



- What's the configuration?

- Battleship. Came from nowhere.



Visual scan coming through.



She's a Templar.




They don't have anything that fast.



We're entering the time warp.

Everything's speeding up.



Starfield's closing at a multiple of seven.



Hope you don't mind,

but I have no intention of facing this.



We're already at maximum power.



- She's closing fast.

- We can't change course. It's too late.



- We'll be lost in the warp forever.

- We can't fight them if we don't maneuver.



She's coming right at us.



My congratulations, Karina.



You have succeeded in doing...



what the entire Galactic Command

failed to accomplish.



You've led us to the seventh world.



It's a pity you chose, like your father...



to work against the order.



He planned this from the very beginning.



Kill the B system. Check the laser shields.



We just lost the first bank.



Accelerating at a multiple of   

and increasing.



That's a day gone by every half-hour.



Multiple of    still increasing.



They're gonna try to board us.

Get the robots.



Does Wendon have a body yet? Get him.

We need every available hand.



Check the upper decks.

Zeno, we get the hold.



It's all yours, ladies. Keep it on course.



And remember, we're all getting older.



They're on to us.



Check below. I'll take the corridor.

Robots, wait here.



- Get the robots down here!

- Look out!



Go in there! Get them!



You're up, partner! Go!



Get some more help!



Take the control room.



- How's it going?

- It's going great.



How's it going with you?



What a mess!



Ten thousand.

More than a day every second.



Surprise, surprise!



They decided to treat me

like a human again.



What do you think?



I think you talk too much,

that's what I think.



- What is it?

- I think I'd better go to my room.



I feel sick.



Her Maj does look a bit peaky,

doesn't she?



We're all three months older.



They're all worn out, Jason.

We got to get some more parts.



This one still has a good power system!



Damn it, there's no way

we're going to stop them!



Get in there! Go on! Go, go!



Oh, God.



Get in there! Be careful. Watch out, don't...



Don't slip.



Okay, here's another seven!



- Where's the rest of them?

- They're being activated.



- Get them in there! Come on, let's go!

- Come on, let's go!



Take your weapon! Hey, wait.



- This is a mess, isn't it?

- What are you doing here?



I'm afraid I have some bad news.



Well, maybe it's not that bad.



The Princess is pregnant.



Pregnant? How in the hell

did that happen?



You can be sure I had nothing

to do with it.



She's asking to see you.



I'll be back in a minute.



A minute's a very long time

under the circumstances!



Well done, Percy. You got him!



- Is everything okay?

- I'm afraid not, sir.



- Jason?

- Yeah, what's going on?



Big surprise, Daddy.









That's not mine.



Chin up.



No, that's not...



It's mine.



- Definitely yours.

- Would you like to hold him?



No, I've got some other problems

I have to take care of.



Sorry about that.



What the hell is going on?



Go back to the ice hold.

We'll stop them there!






Jason, don't be disturbing Nanny.



She's getting very old.






I don't know about you,

but I'm getting real tired.



All right, now!



Advance! Come on, let's go!



Stop them!



Now, Beauford! Now!



Let's get out of here!






- Now!

- Let's go!



Robots, attack!



Are you all right?



- I think.

- Good.



I'm getting too old for this.



All right! All right, yeah!



I'd have cut him to pieces    minutes ago.






Oh, no, not him again!



You are finished.



The seventh world is mine!



- Come on, Roscoe, you're looking bad.

- You don't look too good yourself.



They're gaining on us.



I guess this is it.



Here I come, Dad!



Hit it, Roscoe!



It's him!



That's our baby.



- That is him.

- Isn't he beautiful?



Mom, Dad, we won!



He's a chip off the old block.



I... always...



hated... kids.



We came through it.



We're back to the exact moment

we were at...



when we entered the time warp.



- Velocity is back to normal.

- What happened to the other ship?



It's gone. They were one degree

off the course when we entered the warp.



Just one degree and they're lost forever?



Will somebody please tell me...



that what I think just happened

really didn't?



It did.



It happened.



- We made it!

- All right!



I knew we'd do it!



I don't believe it.



It's beautiful.



I knew it. I knew it was out there.



Your father was right.



I can't wait to see him.



- Look how beautiful that is.

- Exactly as they always said it was.



- All that water.

- Yeah.



- You know what this means, don't you?

- What?



We're out of business.



That's right.

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