If These Walls Could Talk 2 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the If These Walls Could Talk 2 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the HBO movie following lesbians through the decades starring Chloe Sevigny, Michelle Williams, Vanessa Redgrave, Nia Long, etc.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of If These Walls Could Talk 2. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

If These Walls Could Talk 2 Script



When I grew up

and fell in love



I asked my sweetheart

what lies ahead



Will we have rainbows



Day after day



Here's what my sweetheart said



Whatever will be, will be



The future's not ours to see



What will be, will be



You're afraid of hearing it,

but I'm more afraid than you.



I won't listen to you!



You've got to know.



I've got to tell you.

I can't keep it to myself any longer.



I'm guilty!



You're guilty of nothing!



I've been telling myself that...



since the night

I heard the child say it.



I lie in bed night after night

praying that it isn't true...



but I know about it now.



It's there.



I don't know how,

I don't know why...



but I did love you.



I do love you.



I resented your plans to marry.



Maybe because I wanted you.



Maybe I wanted you

all these years.



I couldn't call it

by name before...



but maybe it's been there

since I first knew you.



It's not the truth, not a word of it.

We never thought of each other that way.



No, of course you didn't.

But who's to say I didn't?



I never felt that way

about anybody but you.



I've never loved a man.



I never knew why.



Shut up!



Maybe it's that.



You're tired, worn out.



It's funny...



it's all mixed up.



How was the movie, ladies?

You recommend it?



Oh, too much high drama for my taste.

I like comedy better.



Me too.



Say, you ladies need somebody

to see you home?



Oh, no, thank you, Sam.

We can see just tine on our own.



Any time you need an escort...



If we do it'll be you, Sam,




Hello, boys.



- Let me help you.

- I have it.



- You don't. You'll hurt your back.

- Oh, shut up.



I'm fine.



I just got a little out of breath,

that's all.



You sure you're all right?



- I'm fine.

- You sure?



- I'm fine.

- You wicked witch.






You look kind of peaked, sweetie.

Go to bed. I'll bring you some tea.



- I just want to till the teeders.

- In the morning. The birds can wait.



Where is that damn scoop?



You always put it

in a ditferent place.



It's in the same place

every time.



Where the hell is it?



I'll get it.



You stupid,

bullheaded old woman.



- Don't stay too long out there.

- I won't.






Are you still out there?



I'm checking on something.



Well, put some light on,

at least.



Oh, my God.






Are you out of your mind?



I saw some starlings building a nest.

I just wanna see what they're up to.



They're not up to anything, you fool.

They're asleep.



- You just be quiet.

- Hush up, yourself.



- Do you want some tea?

- Yeah, please.



You be caretul now.



I'm watching you.



Edie, I knew it.

She's sitting on some eggs.



Oh, lovely.



Oh, hello, pretty bird.

How many do you have in there?



Oh, leave the bird alone.

You'II scare the wits out of her.



I want to build another house out here.

This one is always tilled.



Oh, I think this is the one

I banded.



I can't believe it.

She came back.



No wonder, darling.

You spoil the poor bird rotten.



Go to sleep, pretty bird.

Don't mind me.



Go to sleep, little darling.



This where we wait?






They just took my husband in.



He had a heart attack.



We were in the den

having our coffee after dinner.



I was sitting in my chair

reading my magazine...



and I thought...



"It got very quiet in here.

Why is it so quiet?"



Then I looked over at James.



He was slumped in his chair...



and he wasn't breathing.



He had a heart attack...



right in front of me.



I never even noticed.






It's clean.



Thank you.



You're very kind.

Thank you.



Why are you here?



Is it your husband too?



My friend fell off a ladder.

We think she had a stroke.



- Did she break any bones?

- Don't know yet.



She'II be fine.



Is your husband still alive?



- I never had a husband.

- Oh.



Well, that's lucky.



'Cause you won't have

the heartbreak of losing one.



Mrs. Carpenter,

you can see your husband now.



Is he all right?



- The doctor would like to talk to you.

- Oh, my God.



It's not good.



Excuse me.



Can you tell me

what is happening with Miss Henley?



- You brought her in?

- Yes.



- Is she all right?

- She's stabilized and in intensive care.



May I see her?



Only family is allowed in after hours,

but you can come back tomorrow.



Just for a moment.

She might be scared.



Don't worry.

They're taking good care of her.



Best thing to do

is come back tomorrow.



I'm going to stay right here. Would

you please tell her that I am here?



I will, ma'am.



If anything changes,

let me know.






Excuse me. Can you tell me

where intensive care is?



Down the hall.



I was told that she was here.



I don't see her chart anywhere.

What's the patient's name again?



Abigail Henley. I brought her in

to the emergency ward last night.



She'd had a stroke,

and they thought she'd broken her hip.



Well, we know she didn't just

up and walk out of here. Don't worry.



We will track her down.



- Let's check the geriatric ward.

- But I've been here all night.



I asked to be informed of any change.

They should've told me if she'd moved.



Don't worry.

We'll tind her.



You know visiting hours

don't start till   :  .



I know that. I just want to know

if she's doing all right.



- Is she all right? Is anything wrong?

- Did you find her?



Are you any relation of hers,




No, I'm a very good friend.



Does she have any family?



Please, would you tell me

if something's wrong.



I'm so sorry.



Miss Henley passed away.



Oh, no.



We're so sorry, ma'am.



When did it happen?



 :   this morning.



Why didn't someone tell me?

I was here.



They saw me. I was waiting.

I was there, waiting.



- We're so sorry.

- Ma'am.



Does she have any next of kin?



Next of kin?



We need to call somebody to find out

what to do with the remains.



I'II give you the number

for them to call. Okay?



Dear, there's a chapel

on the third floor...



if you'd like to just go there

and sit for a little bit.



Can I see her?



Oh, dear.



I'm sorry.

They already took her body downstairs.



We are so sorry.



Hello. May I speak

to Ted Henley, please?



- Who's this?

- This is Edith Tree.



I'm a friend

of his Aunt Abigail.






Hold on, please.




Hello, Ted.



This is Edith Tree.

I'm the triend of your Aunt Abby.



Sure. Hello.



I'm atraid...



I'm so sorry.

Your aunt passed away this morning.



Oh, geez.

How did it happen?



She had a terrible tall last night.

Apparently she had a stroke.



They tried to revive her,

but this morning she was gone.



Oh, geez.



I'm sorry that happened.






her remains

are still at the hospital.



I have the number

you will have to call.




Let me get a pencil.



And if I can be of any help

for you to arrange the service...




That would be terrific.



I guess I'd better come out there then.

Let me just jot a few more things down.



Edith, I'm sorry.

What's your last name again?









Stop that.



I think that was

a very nice service.



It sure was.

It was very respecttul.



There we go.



Well, I expect you're hungry.



I'II make some tea.



No, no.

Why don't you two sit down.



- I'II make the tea.

- No. You won't know where anything is.



I'm sure I can

tind my way around.



The kitchen is this way?



I went all around the house

and dug up everything I could tind...



but Abby was never very organized

about these things.



She sure wasn't.



I found this photograph

ot you and Aunt Abby.






I don't remember this.



It was the first visit

you and your parents made...



to us.



Aunt Abby took you tishing

for the first time...



and you were afraid

to put the bait on the hook.



- She showed you how.

- Right.



I remember that hat.



Well, let's see

what we have here.



Please don't touch those, dear.

They're very fragile.



Those were your Great-Aunt Abby's.

She was a big bird-watcher.






These were hers, weren't they?



Yes, she kept them here so she could

watch the teeders through the window.



- Spot us some birds.

- Can I have these?






Well, it looks like Abby

owned this house.



Yes, it was in her name,

but we both helped to pay the mortgage.



I see.



Well, then I guess it's only fair

that you get something back.



- How do you mean?

- When I sell the house.






Did you want to stay on here?






That was always the agreement

between Abby and me.



Did she leave a will saying that

she wanted to give the house to you?



Okay, well, I have no problem

with you staying here.



Maybe we can work out

some kind of rental situation.



But Abby and I already

paid off the mortgage.



I really shouldn't have

to pay rent all over again.



But, you see...



Uncle Sam is gonna slap me with

a big inheritance tax on this place...



and I can't just let it sit here

and eat a hole in my pocket.






You see what I'm saying?



I've been here for    years.

Where am I going to go?



- Do you have any family, Edith?

- What do you mean?



Anybody who could take you in?



I really don't want

to be "taken in."



Here we go.



This is a beautiful teapot.



Was it Abby's?



No, it was mine.



I thought that before we leave

I'd help you sort through Abby's things.



- There's no need for that.

- Don't be silly.



Sit down, sweetheart.



She is Ted's family, atter all.



You really shouldn't have to do it all.

It's an awtul job.



After my mother died,

my sisters...



Stop picking at that.



My sisters and I

had to clean out the house.



I swear, it was a week trying to figure

out what to do with all the junk...



that was in the drawers.



So, is most of this furniture

yours or Abby's?



It's both of ours.



Actually, Edith said she might want

to stay on here a little while.



Maybe... No, thanks.



Maybe we should just...



leave the turniture.



Oh, well, that's tine.



I'm relieved.



Frankly, I didn't know what

we were gonna do with all of it...






well, that's perfect.



These, now, were Abby's,

weren't they?






Some of these

are very beautitul.



I gave her that one.




It's a lovely gift.



Abby was a teacher, wasn't she?



Yes. We both taught at the same school

for many years.



Oh. So you've known each other

a long time.






It must be so very sad for you

to lose such a good friend.



Yes, it is.



I think...



that you should have something of hers

to remember her by.



I would really like it...



if you would pick

one of these birds...



to have as a keepsake.



Are you going to keep them?



Well, I think that Ted

would like something of his aunt's.



I don't think we need to

take the birds, sweetheart.



They really are part of the tamily.

Maggie would want them someday.



- Let's talk about it later.

- I'm going to get some milk.



Let me help you.



Excuse me.



Edith, good news.



I've found a couple of savings bonds

that might be worth something.



I was thinking that, after whatever

taxes they take out of them...



we could split the amount and

that would help you pay for the rent.



- Ted, would you do me a favor, please?

- Sure.



The ladder, the one she fell from,

is still out in the yard.



- Would you...

- Yeah, I got it. I'll move it.



Hon, would you hold this edge over there

so we can see how wide this is?



Thank you.



What are you doing?



Oh, you know, Edith...



I think that we're

gonna take the bed.



It is a family piece.

Ted said it's his grandparents'.



Abby never mentioned that.



Well, it is, actually.



Mom, who's this?



Let's see.



- Is that Aunt Abby?

- I don't know.



Why are they dressed like men?



I don't know.



We were dressed

for a costume party.



Let's go visit Daddy...



in the yard.



Come on.



I didn't mean to

leave such a mess.



The problem is,

if she stays on here...



we're the ones who are

gonna be responsible for her.



Well, I'm sure she has

some family somewhere.



What if they don't want her?



It's not fair that we should have to

care for somebody else's maiden aunt.



Hey, Daddy, look what I tound.



It just fell out

of the birdhouse.



That's neat, sweetheart.



Go inside and pick out what you want

trom Aunt Abby's bird collection.



But that other lady

doesn't want me to touch it.



It's not for her to say.

Go inside.



What are we gonna do with

the rest of the stuft in this yard?



Oh, my darling, my darling.



What do you want?



I tound this.



Oh, yes.



Let me see.



It's a starling's egg.



Did it come from the birdhouse?



Oh, they must have hatched.



Great-Aunt Abby

knew they were there.



My God.






That was Aunt Abby's handkerchiet...



but you can have it.



Little girl, it is not for you to say

what I can and cannot have...



and it is not for your parents

to tell you what you can take.



I'm sorry.



It's all right.

You can have it.



You didn't know your great-aunt,

did you?



She was very kind...



and she couldn't bear

to see anything sufter.



When we were girls...



she had her own little hospital

for all the birds and mice...



she rescued trom her cat.



They all survived.



Those tragile little creatures.



Somehow she helped them

pull through.



Edith, I need to go over a tew more

things with you before we leave.



All right.



Maggie, why don't you go play outside

a little bit more, okay?



Edith, I know that you and I...



discussed the possibility

ot your staying on here...



but as I said, with the taxes

and the upkeep and all...



it's just gonna be more practical for us

if we sell the house.



Edith, it might be better for you

in the long run...



to get a nice apartment

or a room somewhere...



where you don't have to worry

about cleaning the house...



or taking care of the yard.



- Daddy?

- Yeah?



One of the baby birds

tell out of the nest. What should I do?



Just leave it, sweetheart.

It's not supposed to make it.



Why don't you guys tinish packing up

while I talk to Edith.



Take this box out to the car.



Do you want one of these?



No, thank you.



Here's what we'II do.



I won't put the house on the market

until you're settled someplace else.



And, as I said,

I'II make sure that you're compensated.



I think that's

what we should do.



If you knew your aunt at all...



if you...



knew about all the marvelous things

that she did...



and how good she was...



and funny...



and tender...



and brave and smart...



If you knew how hard she worked just

to find a little peace in this life...



If you knew her at all,

then you'd know...



what she...






And this wasn't it.



No, my dear,

this certainly wasn't it.



Okay, Edith,

we're gonna go now.



Why don't I call you

in a couple of weeks...



and we'll see

where things are at.



Well, Edith,

it was very nice to meet you.



And I am so very sorry

about your loss.



Pack up all your cares and woes



Here I go



Singing low









Where somebody waits for me



Sugar's sweet



So is she









No one here can love



Or understand me



Oh, those hard luck stories



They all hand me



Make my bed and light the light



I'll arrive



Late tonight









Good night, darling.

I love you.



- Was that woman here late last night?

- Very, very late.



Man, you scored.

What happened?



We're lying there atterwards

and I'm thinking...



that was nice.



She seems cool.



It was almost as if I said it out loud,

'cause the girl starts freakin' out...



sayin' this was her tirst

experience with a woman...



and she just wanted to know

what it was like.




The science experiment.



It's like we're the only people

in the world who understand each other.



Baby, you just need to get laid.



I just want a real relationship.



You wouldn't know what to do

with a real relationship.



The second we started going out,

you lost interest.



That's untair. We both said

we're better at being triends.



We are.



You're just

way too into your freedom.



I'm not saying that

I don't want my freedom.



I just think it's possible to have that

and be in love too.



After the revolution

we can all find love.



- Good morning!

- Peace, man!



He is so tucking uptight.



Back it up, baby.

Let's roll.



Then my mother says to me,

"You're in college to meet a nice boy."



- Get the tuck outta here.

- That's exactly what I said.



You said "tuck" to your mother?



No, I just told her

it was hard enough to meet a nice girl.



Shit, we're not this late,

are we?



The college told us we can't have

our meetings on campus anymore.



They don't wanna to support us because

they think we're a lesbian group.



But they can't do that to us.



Yes, they can do that, Linda.



We have to be really clear

about what kind of group we are.



It's too risky

to include your issues right now.



You're kidding me.



First we have to fight

for equal rights between men and women.



- There isn't any room for you guys.

- Diane, we started this group together.



Yeah, and I worked my butt otf to

get free birth control on this campus.



You think I was protecting my right

to screw frat boys?



That is exactly the kind of attitude

we don't need in here.



We did it for you!



Just calm down!



Let's go, Linda.



It's our group too.



- I can't get over Diane.

- Forget about her.



- Screw them. Why don't we go out.

- Where do you wanna go?



I don't know.






I don't want to run into

any of 'em.



Fuck 'em.

We got each other.



We could go to that gay bar

out on the old highway.



I heard that place was a dump.



Yeah, a dump.



Yeah, but aren't you still curious?



Not really.



You sure this is a lesbian bar?



You sure this is a lesbian bar?



It's a dyke bar.



Would you lay otf?



All the boys and girls



Joy to the fishes

in the deep blue sea



Joy to you and me



One more time, y'all!



You know I love the ladies



I love to have my fun



- Linda, we're not staying here.

- Come on, it could be fun.



You girls sure

you're in the right place?



We're not girls. We're women.



- Could we get a pitcher of beer?

- Come get it yourself.



There's no table service.






Looks like the women's movement is alive

and kicking here at Georgette's Bar.



Man, look at that suit.



Be caretul.

She might slip you her number.



I'm telling you,

you're gonna get picked up on by her.






Thank you.



Gettin' jealous, baby.



Oh, man,

tell me that's not a tie.



I even got my dad

to stop wearing one.



On a woman

it's ten times more offensive.




I'm all out of smokes.



I'll be right back.



Hey, could I get

a pack of smokes, please?



Cigarette machine is busted.



Is the machine busted

for everyone...



or is it just busted for me?



Hey, me and my triends are gay,

you know.



What do you want, a medal?



I wouldn't take it personally. I don't

think she's ever fixed that machine.



You want one?






I got it.



Thank you.



My pleasure.



Keep the pack.



- You sure?

- I don't really smoke.



I just carry 'em to look tough.



Does looking tough make it easier

to go to a bar alone?



I like being alone.






Do you want to dance?



I can't.



My triends are here.



Thank you.



Let's get out of here.



I'm gonna stick around

a while longer.



Come on. This is some bullshit.

Let's go.



It's cool. I'II meet you guys

at the house later.



All right. Bye.



See ya... Oh.



There you go.



I'm not gonna

just abandon you here.



It's my choice.



Looks like your triends left.



Looks like it.



Now would you like to dance?






I'll bet your mom made you

take ballroom dancing.



How did you know?



I know a few things about you.



For starters,

I know you're interested.



You stayed

when all your triends left.



I'm curious, in a way.



Curiosity turns me on.



It's really nice of you

to give me a ride.



It's gonna be cold

on the back of the bike.



What about you?



I'm used to it.






Hold on tighter.



It isn't about sex.

It's about not falling otf.






I could ride around

all night on this.



I drove     miles from my hometown

the day after I bought it.



I kept forgetting which was the brake

and which was the clutch.




Now you tell me.



So, do you live near here?



On Fourth Street.



I'm sorry.

You probably wanna get going.



So what,

you're tinished with me now?



I didn't mean it like that.



I'm only kidding.



You're pretty easy to get.

I thought you were a tough feminist.



I am.



I thought you were just tough.



Well, what do you think now?



It's late.



I should go.



- What about your shirt?

- Don't worry about it.



You could come pick it up




How about atter work?



- You weren't gonna tell us.

- You got home really late.



There's nothing to tell.

I just got a ride.



- Did anything happen?

- Yeah, who is she?



She gave me the cigarettes.



- You did not go home with the tie.

- I told you, I just got a ride home.



That's worse than

imagining you with a man.



Can we talk about something else?



I run into women from the collective

all day.



I don't know whether to say "hi"

or to pretend not to see them.



Say hello, tell them that we're

gonna start a lesbian group on campus...



and that they're welcome to join.



- We are?

- How?



We could. I mean, we pay tuition

like everybody else.



You're right.



We'll have a rally,

get people to sign a petition.



Then the college will have to

recognize us. Right?



Why not?



Oh, man.



What the fuck

is Diane doing here?



Damn, Linda!



- How you doing?

- Actually, great. Nice of you to ask.



We were just talking about a rally we're

having to get support for our new group.



Look, I feel really bad about all this.

We never wanted to exclude you.



Diane, that group that you and I started

was for all women.



I still want it to be.



We're still lesbians, Diane.

That hasn't changed.



I know that.



I was just trying to say, if we take it

step by step, maybe next year...



So until then we should just pretend

that we're not lesbians?



We're not going anywhere.



Do you have something for me?



I forgot.



It was nice meeting you,







- Do you know her from school?

- We don't know her at all.



Well, I'll see you guys.



How do you expect us to be accepted as

teminists with your "boyfriend" around?



Right on.



You're not into her, are you?



What does it even matter?



She's never gonna speak to me again

after the way I treated her today.



How can you like someone

who dresses like a man?



You saw those women in the bar.



We tought so hard

to break free of those rules.



She's not like that.



It's like she doesn't need other people

to detine who she is.



She knows.



I brought you your shirt.



I don't care about the shirt.



Listen, I just wanted to apologize

for what happened today.



I mean, you just showed up

at a tense moment.



You mean it got tense

when I showed up.



It's not like

it's never happened before.



I thought if you invited me over

you knew it was me showing up.



I know.

I know, and I'm really sorry.



Well, is that it?



Can I come in?



Would you like something

to drink?



No, I'm fine.




That was my one idea.



Just relax.



You're beautiful.



Did you hear me?

I said you're buying me breaktast.



I'm using your toothbrush.



I wish I could take you out

to breakfast like that.



You look really sexy.



So am I the woman

and you're the man?



- Then why do you dress like one?

- This is how I feel comfortable.



Do you see yourself

as a woman?



Don't you think I know

what people think of me?



This is me.

It can't be any other way.



- Have you ever been...

- What's bothering you?



If we go to breaktast, people will know

what you are because you're with me?



No, that's not it.



You know what?



Forget about breakfast.



Yeah, we can do it

some other time.



What are you doing?

It's like your parents are coming over.



No, it's more

like her husband.



You promised to give her

a chance.






- I brought you these.

- Thank you.



They'II be nicer

after they've had a drink.



Flowers for

the little woman.



I could get a sudden attack

ot food poisoning and have to go home.



Right now.



Just say the word.

I won't take it personally.



No. I want you here.



What kind of work do you do?



I work in a mail room.



- Do you need some help with that?

- No, it's okay.



Let her help.



She's not used to having

a man around the house.



No otfense.

Just a figure of speech.



- Don't you want some wine?

- No, thanks.



- You're atraid you're gonna relax, huh?

- Yeah, something like that.



Come on.

What do you mean?



If somebody tries to mess with me,

I just wanna be ready.



It's the way you dress.



- 'Cause of the way I look.

- 'Cause people are assholes, Karen.



Now, you know you could dress

differently, make it easier on yourself.



It wouldn't be easier.



Well, that tie's been

hurting my eyes all night long.



- Stop it.

- I don't mean it as an insult.



The girl is suftocating herself

and she doesn't even realize it.



- Try that on.

- No, thanks.



- It might look good if you...

- Leave her alone.



It's just a shirt.



You've been acting like a treak

all night.



It's no big deal.

I'll try it on.



You can try it on here.

We're all women, right?






Okay, now take it off.



- She might like it.

- I don't.



You can't see yourself. I've been

dying to do this to your hair...



- Don't touch me!

- Stop it.



- Please, I'm sorry.

- For what? That you're ashamed of me?



I would never want you

to change for me.



Do you have any idea

what you just did?



You wanna know why

you don't like Amy?



It's because you're scared of anyone

who's not just like you.



- I need you to hear this...

- The clothes are only part of who I am.



- When I was little...

- Yes, I do.



You do?






All of this time

I haven't been ashamed of who you are.



I've been ashamed of myself.






So you accept who you are,

and I love that about you.



I wanna be like you.



I think you'd look pretty stupid in

a suit and tie or a motorcycle jacket.



You know, I think it's time

that the big, bad, scary lesbians...



went inside and had sex,

if anybody cares.



- Good coffee.

- It's good?



Good. It's been made

for a tew hours.






It's been really cold.



- Lately it has been.

- Yeah.






- But not too cold.

- No, not too cold.



But for this time of year,

it's been cold.



Fran, for goodness sakes!



Very nice.



It's not

that we don't want you...



in the child's life.



It's really... It's mainly

that we just don't want you...



in the child's life.



You understand.

We talked about all this before.



We just think

it's a little weird...



not to have any involvement

in the child's life.



- Right. Just like some.

- A holiday or two.



We know it's your baby, but...



What but? That's why we were

so specitic with you about the...



the responsibility

of the donor.









Do either of you guys remember the zero

parenting responsibility clause...



that we all agreed to?






We're sorry.



- I think that...

- We wanted to. We really did, but...



We know how important

this is to you.



We really do.

It's just that...



we teel strongly about

wanting to participate here.



That's okay.



We understand.



Yeah. Yeah, we do.



It's tine.



- Right?

- Right.



What we're going to do

is just move on trom here...



because this is something

that clearly you've thought about.



It's your decision

and this is your response...



and this is our response,

and you shouldn't feel responsible...



for responding

to the way we're responding.



To you.



Look at her.






Look at him.

Is he not the cutest little boy?



I don't know

if I can know him.



I don't know if I can know...



To be able to point and say

that's the father of our baby.



Not that I can put a face

to it anyway. I don't...



No tace is okay with me.



I can't believe they have

sex selected semen.



And I can't believe

you can order sperm over the internet.



Well, I don't think

you can actually order it, but...



You can.



You can order it

and they send it in the mail.



Oh, no.

No, I'm gonna pick it up.



That's the least I can do.



- Are you sure this is legal?

- Yeah. They've got menus and lists...



and the whole darn thing.



Maybe we should think

about having an ethnic baby.



Ethnic babies

are so beautiful.



What, are you kidding?



You're not serious, are you?



- Yeah. I thought I was.

- What happened to what we talked about?



I kinda like it to look a little

like me. Do I look Indonesian?



- I'm sorry.

- Well, I mean, you know...



- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry sometimes too.



I love you so much.



I want the child

to look exactly like you.



That's too far.



What if they lie?

That's what I wanna know.



Will they hire a private detective

to tollow the guy...



who says he plays guitar

after solving world peace every day?




Who checks these resumes anyway?



- What do you call those things?

- How the hell should I know?



- Protiles.

- Profiles. I knew that.



Because that's what

the FBI keeps on convicts.



- We're gonna get a felon for a donor.

- Who would be more inclined to do this?



Some serial killer who needs $   or

a cute genius with an I.Q. Of a zillion?



What genius gives sperm?



What self-possessed person wants

to jerk off in a cup for    bucks?



How's it coming?



You know, maybe,

I mean, just maybe...



there's some wondertul guy

who just walks in here...



and says, "Hey, I just wanna

drop otf my sperm...



in case there's this...



great lesbian couple

who needs it."



I'm scared out of my head.



- Me too.

- It's perfectly normal.



All your concerns are normal.



But I have to tell you, before we sell

any of our sperm to a client...



we've known our donors

for at least a year.



You're kidding.



We do extensive

background checks.



We go back at least three generations

for most of our donors.



It would be really difficult to lie

under those circumstances.



I guarantee, you're getting

the cream of the crop here.



Cream of the crop.



Do you believe that woman

is talking about sperm...



and using sentences

with the word "cream" in it?



Does that seem to be

the slightest bit weird to you?



The whole thing is weird to me.



- Maybe we should adopt.

- Oh, yeah.



That's easy.



Adoption agencies are always so open

to alternative family adoptions.



That's true. It'd be quicker

if you got me pregnant.



What are you doing?



- I hate that I can't get you pregnant.

- I hate it more.



- Couldn't possibly.

- Oh, yeah.



Know why?



When I fell in love with you...



I decided that I never wanted

another man in my life...



or in my bedroom, at least.



And now,

in order to get pregnant...



I have to have another man,

or at least a part of a man...



in the bedroom,

and it's not fair.



And so I hate it more.



Honey, you're sitting

on my ball.



I'm treaking out.



About what?



I don't have sperm.



That's why I'm treaking out.

I don't have sperm.



And I am forced to keep looking

at pages and pages of...



potential sperm...



that because I can't...



I can't give you the baby.






So we'll never know that the...

what that would be like...



if just by our love,

if just by one night of our love...



that we accidentally

get pregnant...



If we had that kind of luck, we could

say, "Look what we did" out of our love.



But we can't do that,

so now we have to look at sperm...



and pick the guy that's closest to me

that has blue eyes and blond hair and...



I don't care anymore.

I don't care.



Is his sperm gonna be different

'cause he's an electrical engineer...



than the guy that works

at a hardware store even, you know?



That has a little red vest?

What's wrong with that?




Hiking. He walks.



Wow. That's special.

You must be a special guy.



Our kid is gonna be

a great kid...



because we're gonna raise it

with such respect.



And we're gonna teach it

so many positive things...



and tell it that it can be

anything it wants to be.



And it can grow up to be

anything and everything...



because... because

it's a beautiful child...



and it's an individual,

and that's all that matters.



- Am I right?

- Yes, you are right.



But I thought we were just

gonna narrow it down today.



Just narrow it down

to the few that we like.



That's what I'm doing.

I narrowed it down.



Okay. Good. Good.



And who did you pick?



I picked

the ten nonreligious towheads...



with an IQ over   .



- Pertect.

- Yeah.






I retuse to get fat

over this process.



Thank you, though.



Why are we watching TV?






Just thinking there's

better entertainment.






- Shelley did this for a year.

- Did what?



Peed in a cup so that they could chart

her ovulation cycles and patterns...



so they would know the whole thing

before they ever even got started.



Who's Shelley?



You know, that woman

that used to work with us...



whose husband was a football player

for the Lakers.



That was like five years ago.



The story's still relevant.



Okay, go.



By the way,

the Lakers is a basketball team.



What did I say?



- You said football.

- I did?



- You did.

- Whatever.



How am I supposed

to keep that all straight?



If we have a boy,

you might wanna know these things.



If we have a boy,

you'II know these things.



So why should I have

to know these things?



We could have a girl who was more

interested in sports than a boy...



and I still wouldn't be able

to tell the difference.



- I'm ovulating.

- You are?



Right now?



Oh, my God!

Grab the protiles!



- So which one should we pick?

- The philosophy student.



- But he collects stamps.

- Then pick the one you like.



Oh, the sky diver.



We nixed the sky diver. I don't want

my kid to have a death wish.



I love that risk-taking quality.

We should think about him some more.



What are you doing?

I'm not gonna through this again.



- I just wanna be sure.

- We are sure.



We narrowed it down to seven choices.

Just pick one.



Can you hold, please?



What are you doing? You ovulate once

a month. Let's take advantage of this.



- The carpenter.

- The carpenter. Good.



Jesus was a carpenter.

I like it. What's the number?



-      .

-      .



- They're out of Jesus.

- What?



They sold out of it. We should've

ordered all of it and put it on hold.



So have them call Jesus

and just ask him for some more.



Can you call

and ask Jesus for more?



They could try,

but the batch wouldn't be tested...



and he doesn't have

a girlfriend anymore.



- What does that mean?

- He could've slept around.



- Okay. We don't wanna take that chance.

- We're thinking.



The protessor. He's been married a long

time. His sperm will be really potent.



Do you have any more

of the professor's?



- The number. I'm sorry.

-      .



Yes! They do!

We want it. All of it.



How much is it?



Wow! Okay, whatever.



I'll be there in about

a minute and a half. Good-bye.



I am gonna pick up

some very expensive roses.



And then it takes two or three months

of testing before they can even qualify.






- We do extensive background checks.

- Thank you.



Some of our donors,

we go back as far as...



That's fermented

fresh milk for you.



That was walking in the field

this morning.



- Fermented fresh milk.

- Yes, it's not cream.



I've got sperm!



You got the stuff?



Yeah, I got the stutt.



- Why are you whispering?

- 'Cause I don't want anybody to see me.



- Okay.

- Okay, come in.



- Yeah?

- I can't get through the door.



I'd like to hug you too,

but I have to put the baby down first.



Oh. Okay.



- What the hell are you wearing?

- Do you like it?



- Is it okay?

- I got it.



It's fine.

I think it's okay.



Oh, my God.



What did you do?



Oh, honey.



You are something else.



What's that?



- I boiled it.

- You boiled the baster.



- I boiled the baster.

- To sanitize it?






Are you trying

to make things more ditficult?



All right.



Okay. All right. Okay.



Maybe we could take advantage of this.

I could give you pedicures.



Sure. I could be like this.



Last one.

Last time we do this.



And I'm sorry about it,

let me tell you.



Fourth time's the charm.



Scooch for me.



Who would've thunk

I'd be so intertile?



- My mom has seven kids.

- Seven kids?



You'd think

I could have one, right?



But today's the day.

I can feel it.



I teel like such a loser.



Come on.

You guys are amazing.



You have no idea how many couples

come in and do this time after time.



- You just got started.

- Really? You promise?



- Look for the silver lining.

- Yeah. Okay?



That's the doctor talking.

Have a little sip of wine.



All right.



This isn't gonna hurt.



Did I lie?

Just a little.






Would you like

to insert the sperm?



- I'm ready.

- I'm glad. Because you know what?



- What?

- We're done.



What? No kissing?






- Oh, God. I love you.

- I love you.



- I love you.

- I really love you.



I love you both,

but let me just leave the room, okay?



- Thank you.

- Get out of here, please.



Yeah, my pleasure.



- I think this might be it.

- Right. Yeah.



- Yeah. I teel it.

- Do, like, a thing.



I don't think she meant

immediately immediately.



You could've waited

until we got home.



I know what I'm doing.



- You pregnant?

- Oh, yeah.



It was an instant

kind of a thing.



You need help there?

All right.



Do you think it's selfish...



wanting to bring a child

into this world?



What do you mean?



Aside from all the...



craziness and the violence...



if it's our child,

it's gonna get teased, and...



it's gonna have

to defend us.






But kids get teased.

All kids get teased.



That's just a part

of childhood, isn't it?



And hopetully,

by the time our kid is old enough...



to know

what discrimination is...



the world will have

changed a bit.



If it doesn't?



Then if it doesn't...



is an interesting question

because it always has.



All I wanna do is love you.



Just keep loving you and...



Iove our kid and...



just have that kid

witness our love.



It's all from love.

How can that be wrong?



You're gonna be a great mom.



I hope so.



Oh, my God.



Oh, they're beautiful.



Thank you.

They're territic too.



You got kids in school here?



We don't...

We don't have kids.



Oh. Well...



you should try it.



Good luck.



Thank you.



She says we should try it.



I think we

should try it maybe.

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