Voila! Finally, the In Like Flint
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring James
Coburn. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of In Like Flint. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Lisa, Paris is on the phone.
- About the hemline again? I'll take it.
- Mm-hmm.
Hello? Please, Paris.
It has been decided.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's correct.
- Lisa, how do you like this?
- It's very nice. Just fine.
- Put it through immediately.
- Thank you.
Lovely.
The color, the drama!
- It is fantastic!
- It's glorious!
Blast off.
Why not?
Come along, ladies.
Ladies. Ladies!
- Will you leave us, please? Thank you.
- Indicates a perfect orbit.
Right now we're waiting for
the computers to answer the question.
Then, we'll have an announcement
from one of the men responsible.
Yes, that's it.
We have an announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lloyd C. Cramden.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
we've done it.
The first manned space platform in
history is moving into a perfect orbit!
And this is only the beginning.
In the weeks to come,
other rockets containing
weather instruments,
cameras, mapping
and surveying equipment...
will join up with our platform...
making it the first scientific
laboratory in outer space.
- Think of it, ladies and gentlemen.
- We've done it. We've done it!
- Nobody can stop us now!
- Ladies, please!
This accomplishment
will add immeasurably
to our scientifiic knowledge...
and will usher in a new era
of goodwill...
as the platform passes across
all national boundaries...
- Oh, uh, excuse me, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's
the president calling Mr. Cramden.
I want to congratulate you on your part
in this magnificent achievement, Lloyd.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
I must say, now that it's over,
I can use a little relaxation.
Right. Now you can relax. I was thinking
about a little round of g-o-l-f.
Very good. When do you suggest, sir?
- Tomorrow.
- Thank you, sir.
Uh-huh. Good enough. See you then.
Next week, same time, same station.
And now let's return to our
on-the-spot coverage... Uh, Colonel.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Colonel...
- Uh, Carter, Colonel Carter.
- Colonel Carter. Right.
You must be an old ball player, Colonel.
For a moment there, I thought you were
making signals like a third-base coach.
What? Oh, this.
Habit, I guess.
But this space shot does put us back
in the ball game, doesn't it?
- This is quite a day.
- " Does put us back in the ball game,
doesn't it?"
- Men.
But he's right about one thing:
This is quite a day.
- That is, Helena, if...
- Oh, forgive me, dear.
I must have my moment of drama.
I will bring him right in.
Please, sir. Come with me.
Now you will see the final
results of operations.
Sit down here.
Now.
- Voila!
- My God!
He's, he's perfect!
You see? It is possible.
Yes, it can be done.
Ladies, I have done what I promised.
- The next step is up to you.
- He's wonderful.
Remarkable.
Now just sit tight up there.
Tomorrow we begin.
- Operation Duffer.
- Operation Duffer!
Duffer! Duffer!
Duffer!
- Operation Duffer!
Duffer!
Watch me very carefully, Lloyd.
You've been trying to kill the ball.
Brute power is not the answer.
Golf and life itself have one thing
in common: Success is based on timing.
- I'm only down three holes, sir.
- Well, that's all we've played.
Now, Lloyd, I'm going to give you
a little lesson on that swing of yours.
- You got your stopwatch?
- Oh, yes, sir.
All right now.
Watch me very carefully, and remember,
it's all in the timing.
- Start your watch.
- Hold it, Mr. President.
It's all right.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
Well, boys, it's the president.
My apologies, sir.
That's all right, sir. Hello, boys.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
Ask him for his autograph.
Gosh, Mr. President, if you'd
autograph your golf ball for me,
I'd put it right next
to my picture of Batman.
- Martin, comparing the president...
- Perfectly normal, sir.
When I was his age, the president
ran a poor second to Babe Ruth.
- Lloyd, let's have yours.
- Yes, sir.
- There you are, sonny. Come over here.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
And here is one for you.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you very... Oh.
Here's one for you, Mr. President.
Thank you very much again.
- You're welcome.
- That was very kind of you, sir.
My pleasure, sir.
- Time me, Lloyd, with your stopwatch.
- Yes, sir.
- Lloyd?
- Huh?
- Did you get that?
- Yes, sir.
What was it?
Three... Three min...
Now, if this watch is right,
something else is terribly wrong.
- But you could be mistaken, sir.
- I wish I were, Avery,
but three minutes went by
that I can't account for.
Three minutes
in the life of the president.
It's not just irregular,
it's irrational.
Irrational.
Exactly like the problem, sir.
You're right, damn it.
Get me that book on dogs.
- On what, sir?
- Dogs. I'm gonna see Flint.
Uh-huh. All right.
All right. Thank you.
You're right. Our man's
in the White House, but Cramden
has turned to Flint for help.
You see how predictable,
this childish masculine loyalty?
- The Flint file.
- It's quite a dossier.
- It's very impressive.
- Yes, yes. I know.
- Weaknesses?
- Yes. Three of them.
I'll leave for New York.
"Avoid tension.
"A dog can sense fear.
Show him you're his friend.
Offer him food."
And, ladies, at Fabulous Face, we offer
completely individual beauty treatments.
For example, if you happen
to enjoy a full body massage, we can...
I'm sure it's very nice, Miss Norton,
but I don't think we really need
to leave town for a massage.
- And, besides,
I don't think we've got the time.
As soon as Derek gets back,
we leave for Rio.
Well, that's just perfect.
Our place Fabulous Face
is right in the islands,
just a short fight from Rio,
right on your way.
Please, say you'll come.
Derek can pick us up
on the way back from the desert.
- That's just marvelous.
- Great. I'll tell him.
- Oh, is he here?
- Why, yes.
Pardon me.
You're supposed to smile, sir.
Then he'll let go.
Oh.
You must be Mr. Cramden, right?
Uh, yes,
but I don't remember our meeting before.
No, we're new. All of us.
- All of you?
- Excuse us. We won't be long.
- This way, Mr. Cramden.
- Yes.
Derek is out at the pool.
He said to bring you along.
Thank you.
Simple. I'm hungry.
I'm hungry.
Oh, Mr. Cramden.
- Uh...
- May I get you a cup of coffee,
a drink?
- A cigar...
any one of his favorite cigars.
- Thank you.
- Huh?
- No, no, no. I gave them up.
I had to, uh...
- Thank you, young lady.
- Thank you, darling.
- Isn't she lovely?
- And... Yeah.
By the way, w-what
happened to the old girls?
I mean, the other one.
- Oh, they're married.
- Ah, happily, I expect.
- Oh.
- Oh, naturally. Why wouldn't they be?
They certainly were well... Well, um...
- Prepared?
- Oh, naturally.
But, uh, tell me.
Didn't there used to be four?
Well, there were five at one time, sir,
but that got to be a little too much.
- See, I'm trying to cut down.
Come on, Eric. You've had your lunch.
Now, sir, what's on your mind?
That, that fish out there. You don't...
No. Sir, a dolphin is a mammal.
Actually, a member
of the cetacean group.
Whales, sir.
- Whales.
- Very intelligent animals.
Right. Oh, good. What's
one more mammal in this household, eh?
But he doesn't live here.
He's just staying a few weeks...
while I compile a dictionary
on dolphin sounds.
A dictionary on dolphin s...
Well, not words, sir.
See, we communicate by sonic waves.
It's part of an experiment
in isomerism.
- Terry.
- Isomerism.
- Isomerism, sir.
- Isome... Isome...
Isomerism.
Yes, isomerism, sir...
the relationship between two or
more nuclei to the same mass numbers.
Let's go to the library. Actually, they
have the same mass and atomic numbers.
It's just, there are different states
of energy and radioactive decay.
If it were not important, l...
It's simply radiant energy transmitted
by pressure waves at the speed of sound.
That's very interesting,
but my reason for being here...
Now, by controlling
the frequency of the sound wave,
we can produce a musical tone.
- For instance...
- Flint, this is important.
Yet, all solid objects can be destroyed
by the proper pitch.
- That's extraordinary.
- Ah, it's a toy.
However, we are making
such scientific strides...
that last year's book
is already outdated.
How do you find time to read?
No, no. I wrote that. Already obsolete.
Flint, I've got to talk
to you in private.
Oh, yes. Excuse me, sir. Terry?
- Would you mind...
- Not at all.
Thank you, baby.
Mmm.
Oh.
Now, Flint,
something happened when
I was playing golf with the president.
Oh, the president! Well...
Oh, yes.
I don't know where to begin.
L-It just doesn't seem to make sense.
Well, I'm sure it will, sir.
Just, um...
Well, you know I haven't
been playing up to my game.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Well...
So the president felt my timing was off.
So he asked me to time his swing
with this stopwatch. Well...
- Oh, I see. So, uh... Yes, uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Flint, it took three minutes.
Now that's not possible, is it?
- Uh, no, sir. It's not.
- No.
The, uh, the watch...
now you've had it checked, of course.
Oh, of course.
That's very interesting.
Would you like me to look into this?
That's what I was hoping.
I can take care of it
in about a week, sir.
- A week?
- Well, why? Is it urgent?
- Well, no, I guess...
- Oh, fine then, sir.
I'll contact you as soon
as I get back from Death Valley.
- Death Valley?
- Yes, a survival test.
- Derek?
- Yeah, baby.
Miss Norton has invited us
to be her guests at Fabulous Face
while you're away.
Fabulous Face? What's that?
It's that great new health resort
in the Virgin Islands.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- It's just a couple of hours to Rio.
- I'll check the airlines.
- Yeah.
- Fabulous Face?
- Besides, you'll be gone
that week anyway.
Hmm.
You're very convincing, Miss Norton.
The resort must be quite a place.
Believe me, Mr. Flint, it is.
I, uh, do hope
you'll allow them to come.
- Why not?
- Ladies, perhaps you ought
to start packing.
- Well, thank you very much, Miss Norton.
- Thank you.
Oh, sir. Where was I?
The desert. That's right.
Well, it's not really too difficult
to know where to find food.
Food in the de... Thank you.
In the desert?
Oh, yes, sir. It's all around you,
if you know where to find it.
- Snakes, lizards, chiefy edible grubs.
- Oh!
- Grubs?
- Yes, they're found in decaying wood,
under rocks, shrubs.
- Grubs?
- Grubs, sir.
Yes. Larvae, pupae.
Anglicized from Latin vermiculus.
One of the most edible worms
that we have in the western hemisphere.
Have the appearance of macaroni.
Uh, if you'd like some
more conventional food,
how about dinner with me
tonight at Luigi's?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I have some packing to do.
Ah, that's all right.
I'll let myself out.
Oh, well, then. All right, sir.
Give my best to Luigi.
If you want something really special,
try his Vermicelli a la Derek Flint.
- Vermicelli a la Derek Flint.
- I'll see you as soon as I get back.
- Good-bye, Miss Norton.
- Good-bye, Mr. Flint.
Grubs. Ew!
Uh, grubs.
- Table, miss?
- Yes, please. That table right there.
Oh, certainly.
Good evening.
Would you care for a cocktail?
Yes, please.
Oh, I'll have a martini.
- Mm-hmm.
- Very dry.
Yes, ma'am.
- Oh!
- Oh, dear.
- Allow me.
- Oh, thank you. How awful of me.
- Oh, no.
- How terribly clumsy.
- Not at all.
- Thank you so much.
L... Um, I'm afraid
this will sound quite familiar,
sort of a line, as it were,
but... haven't we met?
Oh, no. No, I don't believe so.
You see, this is my first trip
here to New York.
- Oh, well...
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Would the gentleman care for a drink?
- Well, I'm...
- Uh...
I'm not expecting anyone.
That isn't a line either.
Won't you join me?
Well, l-I'd, I'd love to, I'd love to...
- I'll have a cognac, please.
- Yes, sir.
Uh, may I introduce myself?
I'm Lloyd Cramden.
And I'm Norma Benson.
Oh.
Um... would you please
give me a light?
Well...
Thank you.
Here.
Thank you.
My trip here
has to be a very short one.
Schoolteachers are not
in the higher income brackets.
Oh.
I never had a teacher
as beautiful as you.
Perhaps it was just as well.
It would have been too distracting.
Oh, you're very fattering, Mr. Cramden.
Truthful would be more accurate.
Just... where do you teach?
I teach at the
John C. Calhoun High School...
in Roanoke, Virginia.
Roanoke, Virginia.
But let's not talk about me.
It's, uh... quite evident that you're
in a much more important position.
Hmm. No. Well, l...
I'm just one of the many
thousands of government workers.
- Oh, how nice.
- Uh, to the school system.
Especially Roanoke, Virginia.
And to a very charming representative
of our government.
- Uh, what?
- I'm sure you can explain this, sir.
- Who is... Wait!
- Pardon me, dearie.
- I don't know.
- I'll have to take you into custody.
- What?
- I'll arrange for an audience
with the president...
first thing in the morning,
and any decision will be made by him.
- Cooper, you and Austin
take Mr. Cramden to the car.
- I'll question the woman.
- I never...
- This way.
- There's a mistake.
You're not listening.
I don't even remember registering.
So, you met this woman for the first
time, had a couple of drinks with her,
and you can't recall anything
that happened afterward?
I can only conclude, sir,
that the drink must have been drugged.
What does your report show,
General Carter?
The waiter in the restaurant didn't get
a good look at the woman, sir.
As for the glasses they drank from,
the lab reports show no trace of a drug.
- And the schoolteacher?
- No criminal record, sir.
TheJohn C. Calhoun High School
of Roanoke, Virginia.
Oh, yes, sir. We checked it out.
TheJohn C. Calhoun High School
was vacated quite a few years ago,
at our request.
I'm afraid there's a security
angle involved, Mr. President.
Well, go on, General Carter.
Let's have the whole story.
Well, that school became
one of our top secret installations...
training center
for Special Forces Project K- .
Lloyd, can you shed
any light at all on this?
- No, sir.
- And the woman in the hotel room?
Skid Row, sir. I'm sorry, Mr. Cramden.
Lloyd,
I know what a dedicated servant
you've been to me...
and to the country
we both love so dearly.
I'm sure you'll be vindicated
at your hearing.
Until then, you're under suspension.
However, you may continue to use
your office and the assistance
of Lieutenant Avery.
- We'll try to keep this out
of the newspapers.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
You can be sure
of one thing, though, Lloyd.
I'll never turn my back on you.
General Carter.
- Yes, sir.
- There's a couple of security issues
we better discuss now.
Oh, yes, Mr. President. I've outlined
some of the major issues in this...
Sir, this is more important
than the missing three minutes.
- I'm certain Flint can help.
- Flint?
What a field day
he could have at my expense.
Oh.
She was ugly, sir.
Hmm?
Oh.
Well, you can forget about Flint.
He's going to be leaving very shortly.
Then we have no time to lose.
May I have your permission?
Well, fine.
Thank you, sir.
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi, Mr. Flint.
- Empty all the ash trays?
- No, I got you a new plane.
Ah, beautiful. Let's go.
So, damn it, Flint,
you know I'm no Don Juan.
Yes, I'm sure of that, sir.
The question is,
since raw animal passion is ruled out,
what was the woman's motive?
Raw animal... See here, Flint...
- It is ruled out, I assume.
- Yeah, well, yeah, no.
Of course it's ruled out.
- You should have seen her
without her makeup.
- I'm sure it was traumatic.
Yeah.
Now just take your time, sir.
Relax.
Breathe... deeply.
Now... try to remember.
You're in Luigi's.
What?
You're in Luigi's.
What happened?
She, uh, dropped her purse.
Yes?
And I, uh, tried to help her.
And then we, uh, introduced ourselves.
And she wanted a cigarette,
so I lit a couple of cigarettes, and...
Hmm?
Cigarettes. Matches.
- What about it?
- Paper, please.
Huh? Paper... please.
- Uh...
- Hold still one moment, sir.
- Yes.
- Huh?
Paper.
Hmm.
Hmm. Interesting. Singed, of course.
Singed?
There's some styrax, ylang,
mimosa, hyacinth and...
cannabis.
- Oh.
- There's a combination of rare oils,
exotic fowers, herbs
and Macedonian brawley...
Combined with... the ash, of course.
- Ah.
- The residue. Euphoric acid.
- Euphoric acid.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Centuries old,
discovered by the Assyrians
during the reign of Hammurabi.
- What is it?
- It's a psychic deinhibitor...
a tranquilizer which conversely
stimulates the libido...
while giving the feeling of euphoria.
Combined with alcohol,
it becomes a soporifiic.
It's obvious that someone's trying
to discredit you... to embarrass you.
First the missing three minutes,
and now this.
Yeah.
- But who?
- Someone in your own organization.
- Yeah, but why?
- That we'll have to find out.
How can I find out when my
own organization is off-limits to me?
- It's not off-limits to me, sir.
- Now, wait a minute.
We're talking about a top-security
complex. If you get caught...
I'll take care of it tonight, sir.
- Cooper?
- Yes, sir.
General Carter.
I believe we can expect
a visit from Mr. Flint tonight.
Okay.
I'll need your
identification papers, sir.
May I see those, please?
I'm sorry, sir.
This doesn't permit you in this area.
Eighty heartbeats per minute.
Must be Russian cosmonauts.
That's .
Let's pay our respects.
My deepest sympathy, sir.
Your friend Flint.
I'm sorry. The document disintegrator.
You killed him.
Mr. Cramden, I'm surprised at you.
He broke into a top-secret
security complex.
There was no choice.
He did it because l...
I'm sorry, but you know the rules, sir.
Flint.
He was obstinate.
A loner.
But the greatest.
What are you doing?
Sorry, sir.
Yes, sir?
Huh? Who's this? Flint!
Flint! Where are you?
Huh? Don't trust anyone.
I got it. I got it.
Flint, I gotta see you.
W-Where? Moscow?
Why Moscow?
Flint!
He hung up.
He's alive! He's going to Moscow!
Well, if he's alive, sir, who's this?
Oh, who cares?
I've gotta get the president.
Why didn't
you tell me this before?
I was afraid you'd have thought
I cracked up.
Who could explain
those missing three minutes?
And you felt that Flint
could help unravel the problem.
He seemed my last hope, sir.
And after he broke
into security last night,
he told you that we were infiltrated
with traitors?
Yes, sir.
Did he mention any names?
No, sir, but I believe him.
That's why I thought
you should know, sir.
I wanna thank you, Lloyd.
I want to confess
that I misjudged Flint.
- Where is he now?
- Uh, Moscow.
What's he doing in Moscow?
Derek, darling,
what are you doing in Moskova?
The usual thing, my love.
When can I see you?
Tonight.
Where?
The usual place.
- Derek, darling.
- Yes.
Your American music is so decadent.
- Yeah.
- Mmm, but it's so exciting.
Well, that's where it's at, honey.
- Champagne.
Mmm, champagne. Pazhalsta.
A good year, huh?
I've been saving it
for your regular visit.
Mmm!
Tonight.
- Derek, darling,
You haven't told me why you are here.
It has to do with a couple
of lady cosmonauts.
Lady cosmonauts?
Now, how would I know
about lady cosmonauts?
I read the cardiographs
from the space platform.
And, uh, what makes you think
these are women?
The male heart beats
times per minute.
The female, .
- And these were ?
- Yes.
Derek,
you are right.
There are two missing.
This is important, Natasha.
Can you tell me about it?
I will tell you all I know.
Oh, Natasha...
Don't you move.
It's the same ingredients.
Of course. It was in the paper!
Agave Americana.
It's indigenous to the Virgin Islands.
Virgin Islands?
Virgin Islands.
Fabulous Face?
It's in the Virgin Islands, right?
The missing cosmonauts...
What is it, Natasha?
What are you into? What is it?
Derek, darling, I am not your enemy.
I am your friend. I can't tell you now
because it's too late.
- Well, tell me anyway.
- You will be very happy,
but first, darling,
you must make me happy.
Who are you? What are you doing here?
My apologies, comrade Natasha,
but the order comes
from the prime minister himself.
He wishes to see Mr. Flint.
At : in the morning?
He couldn't sleep.
Your performance was so magnificent.
He wishes to confer upon you
the Nijinksy Medal.
Oh.
- Is this your coat?
- Yes.
Ivan, help Mr. Flint on with his coat.
Soon.
No, no!
Now! You too!
Hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo!
Hi, there!
Mr. President...
Melvin, listen!
If you haven't got
our two lady cosmonauts,
who has?
Melvin, I've got to find those girls.
Be reasonable.
They could be where?
Melvin, bite your tongue. They couldn't
live there three days. They hate rice.
Melvin.
Melvin, you give me the girls.
Melvin,
I will make a deal with you.
All right. You say
you haven't got the girls.
But just in case, we got Flint.
"Who?" Flint!
Yes, Flint!
What? Kill him?
But he's your number one hero.
Well, Melvin, I was exaggerating.
We don't actually have him,
but we know where he is going.
The Virgin Islands.
Melvin, you know we got
no fights there. Only to Cuba.
Melvin, what would Flint
want in Cuba?
Senora, para usted.
Para los pilotos.
- Gracias. Gracias.
¿Como esta, pilotos?
Para usted y usted.
¡Que bueno!
Es de Havana. Mmm, muy bueno.
What's going on?
I mention Flint is in Moscow,
the president can hardly
wait to get rid of me.
People I've never even heard of
are placed in key positions,
new faces everywhere.
Even the date of my hearing postponed.
I tell you, if Flint is right...
and we've been infiltrated,
we're in real danger.
I'm being electrocuted.
If you'll stop talking, sir,
I believe I can pry it out.
- Take it easy.
- I think I've got it, sir.
A transmitter.
They've known every move we've made.
But who's doing it, sir?
I don't know.
But I was right, and so was Flint.
How do we trace them?
I think I can find a way, sir.
This device operates on the
same principle as a walkie-talkie.
The system can be reversed.
Paper clip, sir.
This transmitting device
can become a receiver.
Just a few moments, sir.
Yeah.
I think this should do it.
General Carter?
General Carter?
General Carter? General Carter?
General Carter here.
What is it, Lieutenant?
Sir, this orders me to load
the rocket with nuclear bombs...
instead of a weather laboratory.
Nuclear bombs, sir?
- That's right, Lieutenant.
Project Damocles.
- Project Damocles?
- Arming the space laboratory, sir?
- That's correct.
The code name is Damocles. New orders
directly from the White House.
This is top security.
You understand, Lieutenant?
Yes, sir.
Proceed with arming immediately.
Arming the space platform.
You realize the consequences, Avery?
Yes, sir.
A nuclear threat to the world.
And he said the orders
came from the White House.
We know better than that.
General Carter is the traitor.
We've got to stop him.
General Carter's got
the president brainwashed.
If we could just get to Flint.
Yeah.
Why, we can!
He was gonna meet his girls.
That's it, Avery!
Some beauty resort...
with a silly name
in the Virgin Islands.
- "Fabulous Face."
- Virgin Islands?
But that's where...
The missile site.
Coincidence?
- Avery, you get to the missile site.
- Yes, sir.
And you, sir?
I'm going to Fabulous Face.
I haven't always been
a desk-bound commando.
And Flint... he's not
the only master of disguise.
Tovarisch. Tovarisch.
Do-svidanya.
Adios.
You're doing fine, dearie.
- I'd better take these upstairs.
- Why?
There's something wrong
with these girls.
Well, not much that I can see.
Hmm, yes. Well, maybe
the machines are out of whack.
Just these three? Uh-uh.
These girls have got resistance.
We're just not reaching them.
You know that Flint,
he must make quite an impression.
Hmm.
Well, I'd better take these upstairs.
They'll know what to do.
- Mind the store?
- Okay.
- What's the trouble?
- I can't explain it.
These girls have rejected
all our programming.
This Mr. Flint of theirs...
Yes. Yes, he's quite an infuence.
As a matter of fact,
he's on his way here right now,
and we must get them out of sight.
Welcome to Fabulous Face, Mrs. Hiller.
Oh, I'll take the bags. Thank you.
Your room is ready.
Will you follow me, please?
I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay
here at Fabulous Face.
Come along now, dear.
Just take your time.
That's just fine.
Uh, this way, dear.
Get a load of this one.
Oh.
What's that?
That's what I call ambition.
Good morning.
- Mr. President.
- Yes, madam?
M... Oh!
Lloyd!
Of course.
The golf course.
The missing three minutes.
Lloyd, what's going on? Why am I here?
- We'll take care of that.
- There. Isn't that better?
Just one more session,
and we're through for the day.
Well, I hope at least
this one will be cool.
Oh, you'll just love it. Mm-hmm.
That's a cryobiology lab!
- Oh, no!
You're not putting me in there!
Let me go! No!
Let me go! Oh, please, no!
- You're not putting me in there!
- Oh, yes, dear.
I hated to do that. They're nice.
What a pity they're so hard to convince.
It's that Flint of theirs.
He must be a hypnotist or something.
Does it ever make you wonder when
you see how girls like that feel?
Forget it.
Penthouse, please.
Hello, Mr. Flint.
Miss Norton.
I imagine you find it all
a bit... Gothic?
It's lovely.
What you must think of us...
to come in this way, unannounced.
But not unexpected, I gather.
No. Is this real?
- Cryobiology?
- Yes.
Oh, yes. Yes, it's quite real.
We call it our "save for later" program.
- No!
- Yes.
Here, people worth keeping can be saved
for a time more worth living in.
As a matter of fact, it's really
quite the ultimate luxury.
- Hmm.
- Just imagine.
Just imagine.
Here we can suspend time
for as long as we wish...
to return or a hundred years later.
Well...
to be frozen in nitrogen gas...
and then thawed out at some time later
like a supermarket pizza...
is not exactly the classical
idea of immortality, but...
Now, those... Occupied?
- Oh, yes.
- Who?
But-But come along, Mr. Flint.
This, uh, really isn't
much of a welcome.
I'd like to give you a tour.
I'm sure our ladies...
would like to get a good look
at the famous Derek Flint.
Oh, you're very fattering.
Good evening, Mr. Flint.
Good evening, Mr. Flint.
- May I?
- Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Excuse me.
You're quite accustomed
to being admired by women, aren't you?
- Hmm.
- All those, uh, ridiculous...
Sighs? Yes, you're quite right.
They are ridiculous.
I must say it's refreshing...
to be with a beautiful woman
who's above that sort of thing.
Why, I never said I was above
that sort of thing.
What I meant was, uh...
Yes?
You really are good at it, Mr. Flint.
- Tell me something.
What is it about you that
makes you so irresistible to women?
It's very simple.
I don't compete with them.
Now that ends the suspense.
You're quite right. I was curious.
Well, now you've had the tour,
and so have I.
It's getting late, Mr. Flint.
Shall I have them take you
to the airport now?
- No. I want to see the girls.
- The girls?
- Where are they?
- They left this morning.
Look, I just came from Moscow.
I had a talk with
a little ballerina named Natasha.
There are two cosmonauts up there,
and my girls are here.
There's a connection. What is it?
- Cosmonauts?
- Mm-hmm.
Ballerinas?
I think we should
take him to the office.
Lead on, ladies.
Now, let's not have
that media discussion all over again.
The announcement has to be on television
the same time everywhere.
- Understood?
Do you mind?
Come along, Mr. Flint.
Ladies, this, of course, is Derek Flint.
- Miss Elisabeth.
- Miss Elisabeth.
- Miss Simone.
- Miss Simone.
- And Miss Helena.
- Miss Helena.
I know all of you ladies.
Fashions, cosmetics,
publications, communications.
You're all very famous ladies.
What you don't manage, you control.
What you don't control, you infuence.
What you don't infuence,
you probably one day will inherit, hmm?
That's very well put,
Mr. Flynn... uh, Mr. Flint.
- Don't you agree, ladies?
- Indeed.
All silo personnel
stand by. Ready for missile loading.
Excellent. Excellent.
Well, I must say that
this is quite a sight for a mere man...
to be present here among all of you.
This, uh, summit conference
of brains and beauty,
all sitting here watching
a rocket being prepared.
Now, what could that mean?
Uh...
those Russian ladies fying arou...
You're in control
of the space platform?
He's really very clever.
Mr. Flint, you're really
quite intelligent for a man.
Mr. Flint, you're really
quite intelligent for a man.
Yes, yes. But it's getting late, and
there's still a great deal to be done.
Run along, Mr. Flint. All your questions
will be answered tomorrow.
As soon as Project Damocles
is complete, we shall return.
- Project Damocles?
- Project Damocles.
The Project Damocles that calls for
nuclear energy to be used as a threat?
Correct.
That's a totally discredited idea.
No one in his right mind could...
Miss Elisabeth, we can't
let him leave here now.
No, my dear. You're quite right.
Don't be so nervous, Mr. Flint.
There's nothing to worry about.
By this time tomorrow,
women will be running the world.
And then you will see
how quickly everything will settle down.
Women running the world?
Oh, you can't... You can't be serious.
- Why not, Mr. Flint?
- Yes, why not?
Oh, come now, Mr. Flint.
How many businesses...
are actually being run
by secretaries, mistresses, wives?
If the boss goes away
for a few days, does the work stop?
- No, of course not.
- That's probably true,
but I can't imagine...
You can't imagine how we poor,
dear ladies can cope with it all?
Face it, Mr. Flint.
We women are outliving you.
The wealth of this country,
of the world,
is concentrated in our dishpan hands.
In the laboratories, our refexes
are quicker than yours,
our manual dexterity
percent higher...
and our patience a damn sight longer.
All right. Granted all of that.
Now, what's your hurry?
Why don't you just wait?
It'll all fall right into your laps.
Uh, you will still have laps when
you're all wearing the pants, I assume.
But what about the millions
of women throughout the world...
who may not see your little plan
just the way you do?
- Did you say millions?
- Millions, yes.
My dear, show Mr. Flint
how the hair dryer works.
Go ahead, Mr. Flint.
I think you'll be quite interested.
Hair dryer?
I suppose when the hair is wet,
the current is conducted
and the programming received.
Brain and hair washing at the same time.
Exactly.
You really think
you can get away with this?
Get away with it?
Oh, Mr. Flint, think a minute. Think.
Now then, hair dryers like these have
been in use for some time, correct?
Yes, correct.
Very well. For many years now,
every time a woman
went into a beauty shop,
she came out a little bit more
dissatisfied with a man's world.
We've been busy, Mr. Flint.
I think you'll find
the contented housewife...
is a thing of the past.
Ladies.
Forget it!
Forget it?
General Carter,
what is the meaning of this?
Why aren't you and Sebastian getting
the fight ready? You know your orders.
Shut up and sit down, Your Highness.
Playtime is over.
Sit. Major.
Well, Mr. Flint, I bet you've been
getting an earful of this nonsense too.
- Well...
- Well, forget it.
The situation is well in hand. My hand.
Did you really think we were
gonna go through all that
just for you old broads?
- Broads?
- Come on now, did you?
But Sebastian believed in us. And so
did you and the girls on the platform.
- Sebastian, the actor?
- The best.
- What's he playing?
- The president.
- The president?
- Yes. He took you all in, didn't he?
You know something?
He's really enjoying the role.
So much so, we're going
to make the whole thing permanent.
All this time,
the years we spent in planning...
He couldn't have fooled us.
He was so sincere about our cause.
Oh, yes, he was sincere.
But that's before we saw
the view from the top.
An actor as president?
Oh, we were fools to trust any man!
I hate to break this up, but I've got
to be there when the balloon goes up.
- Yes, of course.
- Major, escort Mr. Flint personally
to the cooler.
- The cooler?
- Yes.
You'll see your friends there
in a minute.
Take the ladies down.
Shall we try diplomacy?
You've kept everyone waiting, Mr. Flint.
Take your hands off me,
you monster! How dare you!
Since there aren't enough freezers
to go around, you two
will just have to double up.
I've seen to it that you have
a lovely companion, Mr. Flint.
You're so kind.
How much time do we have?
We have less than an hour.
Sir, a call from you?
There's an air base close by.
Who'd believe me?
Well, I saw a lot
of foating stuff up there,
and your staff, I understand,
is quite athletic.
- I don't know what you mean.
- I do.
Look, Miss Elisabeth,
our way just didn't work.
I'll get the rest of the girls,
and I'll meet you at the beach.
- What will you do when you get there?
- Operation Smooch.
Operation Smooch?
Operation Smooch?
Smooch.
I've been expecting you, sir.
Mr. President, Mr. Flint,
if you'll follow me, please.
Come this way, ladies.
Gentlemen. Gentlemen,
we are rapidly approaching...
what we hope will be the most
momentous launch of the century.
I'm sure you'll join with me
in wishing both of our astronauts...
- What the hell is going on here?
- I don't know.
Guards!
- It's the president!
- No, that's the president.
Now, you all know me.
You've known me for years!
That man is an impostor.
He's right. I was not elected
to this office.
However, there are certain
compelling reasons...
why I feel I should continue in it.
And I'm sure that
General Carter agrees with me.
Oh, yes, sir.
You take charge here, sir.
I'll see the bird fies right.
Countdown will continue.
Pick up the count, soldier.
T: minutes.
Don't be disturbed, gentlemen.
I assure you that our relations
with your governments...
will continue as before.
- In fact, with possibly
fewer disagreements.
Verify that missile checks
are complete...
and auxiliary checkout kit
readout is compatible.
Well, Doctor, how are they?
They're in excellent condition, General.
- Excellent.
- Good.
The president asked me personally
to offer his best.
- Thank you, sir.
- Good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
- Have a good trip.
Verify that Mod III
guidance data link test is complete.
Verify flight dynamics auxiliary
sustainer cutoff test is complete.
T: : Seven minutes.
- Ladies.
- Mark.
- Hello, baby.
- You don't need your gun, honey.
But I can't. I'm married.
I'm married.
What the hell is this?
Sadie Hawkins Day?
Cut it out. Cut it out!
L...
Cut it out.
That is a presidential order.
I order you to... You!
I order you all to cut it out!
Stop the countdown!
Do you know what you just did?
You cannot manhandle me.
That is a treasonable offense.
Get Carter down here, quick!
- Don't touch me!
- Mr. President...
Don't touch me!
Calling General Carter.
Calling General Carter.
Calling General Carter.
Calling General Carter.
Calling General Carter.
Calling General Carter.
Nuclear alert!
This is General Carter.
As you know, this lever controls
the arming of ten megatons.
Enough power to destroy
the entire Caribbean area,
with a radiation fallout
that could cover half the world.
I know you don't want me
to do that, so think about it.
But don't take too long.
Sir, we've got to get
the people out of here.
- If we delay...
- Stall him! I'll go after him.
Flint, wa...
But, sir, you better stop him.
Lloyd, you've gotta stop Carter.
This is Lloyd Cramden.
What is it you want?
Start the countdown immediately.
You're not gonna pull that lever.
You'd go up with the rest of us.
That's right.
Carter, wait! We can make a deal.
We've got Trent.
Congratulations. Now he's your problem.
Carter! Carter, listen to me!
Come on, Cramden.
You're stalling.
You've got to stop him.
General Carter, this is
your acting commander-in-chief.
I order you to leave
that capsule at once!
'Acting"is right.
But you're out of the cast now.
Your understudy has taken over.
Stop stalling, Cramden.
Get going. Don't waste
any more time on that clown.
Clown? Do you realize
who you're talking to?
I am the commander-in-chief
of the Army, the Navy, the Air Force!
I call on all loyal Americans
to picket the White House!
Write to your congressmen!
Don't let them fuoridate your water!
I am deposed!
"Oh, for God's sake,
let us sit upon the ground...
"and tell sad stories
of the death of kings.
"Once more into the breach,
dear friends.
Once more into the breach."
Carter, the countdown will begin.
Good.
Just remember. I don't want to see...
any deliberate malfunctions
appear on these instruments.
So be reasonable.
Start the countdown.
Uh, get me Mission Control.
I'm gonna need that suit.
Mission Control, give me Cramden.
Mr. Cramden, it's
the ready room, sir. Mr. Flint.
Flint? Yes?
Lloyd, get me three minutes,
any way you can. Three minutes.
Right.
He's in the ready room.
Get him three minutes any way you can.
Yes, sir. You, you've got a malfunction
in the tank pressure stabilization.
Move!
Reporting malfunction
in tank pressurization stabilizer.
We're checking it out.
- Good luck, sir.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
Hatch open,
and all systems are go. Pre-ignition.
You're stalling! There's nothing wrong.
I'll give you ten more seconds.
There's no other choice.
Yes, sir.
Resume the countdown.
Yes, sir.
T: Minus ten seconds.
Nine, eight...
Hatch open,
and all systems are go. Pre-ignition.
Five...
Why, it's Mr. Flint.
That's Flint!
- Ignition!
- Zero.
See ya!
What about the interceptor missiles?
If we detonate in the atmosphere,
we've had it... the whole hemisphere.
We can't let them arm
that space platform.
The timing will be critical.
We'll have to wait till the last second.
- All right, have the missiles readied.
- Yes, sir.
What about Flint?
We're committed.
- Send them up.
- Yes, sir.
Fire one.
Confirming visual observation
of liftoff.
Report time of launch vehicle liftoff.
Second stage separated and clear.
Capsule entering orbital path.
Unable to regain monitor contact.
We can't communicate with the capsule.
We can't reach him, sir.
Sir, there's something wrong
with the capsule.
The guidance control system
has malfunctioned,
and the capsule is off course.
It's heading into deep space.
Hold those interceptors.
It's too late, sir.
Two seconds.
He'll not be forgotten, Lloyd.
There will be a national... no, an
international day of mourning for him.
I'll issue a proclamation.
Mission Control. Control Center.
Control Center, awaiting instructions.
It's Flint!
He's alive!
Hooray! Hooray!
- He must be on the platform!
- That's impossible!
Of course it is!
That's why he's Flint!
Congratulations, Flint.
You made it!
We'll get you back here safely.
We've got a recovery team in
the area of the Canary Islands.
Sorry, sir, but the Canary Islands
seems a bit far out to me.
I... would appreciate
splashdown instructions...
for, say, Central Park.
Central...
Get the coordinates of Central Park.
Flint, what's going on up there?
I'm with a couple of friends.
Now, Flint, listen to me!
You're no astronaut. You're in danger!
Well, ladies, it was touch and go,
but I hope you learned your lesson.
The world is better off in our hands.
You're absolutely right, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Flint,
are you all right? Say something!
Flint, are you all right?
Say something!
If you're not single or courting
If you're not single or courting
When our hearts mingle in space
That face
I don't believe it is grace
Combined with evil
in such a zowie way
I'll maybe steal
a little guile from you
I should run a mile from you
But I'd sooner stay
If we could only be left alone
In a lonely place
It would be dreamy
and if I'm disgraced
I could know
your zowie-zowie face