Intolerable Cruelty Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Intolerable Cruelty script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Coen Brothers movie with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta Jones.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Intolerable Cruelty. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Intolerable Cruelty Script








Yes? Donovan.

Is everything all right?



Yeah. The production meeting

was put off, so I thought-- Who's here?







Who owns that piece-of-shit van

down there?






It's just a guy, you know,

going door-to-door

selling... pool cleaner.



So why did he

lock himself in the den?



Well, he--



Oh, God.



- Remember my friend Ollie?

- Ollie Olerud?



Short, cretinous wanker?



Ohh. Ollie's in there?



- Yes.

- I see.



Well, I'm glad

he finally got himself a job.



I'd always picked him

as some sort of deadbeat,

but... happy to be proved wrong.



So, he's selling

pool cleaner now, huh?



Well, this is the neighborhood for that.

Just door-to-door--

""Running low on chlorine?''



It's quite a coincidence,

him just dropping by...



and you two

knowing each other so well.



Donovan, please,

let's just all talk--



Donovan? How you doin', man?



Good day, Ollie.

I'm great. You?



I... can't complain, man.






Well, let's get

right down to it then,

shall we?



We'll take a couple vacuum hoses.

We probably need a new filter

right about now, maybe--



Wait a minute, darling.

Do we actually have

a swimming pool?



Okay, okay, man. Now, let's be

reasonable about this, okay?



So, you caught me porkin'--




with your old lady...



Oh, God.



and now we're all feelin'

just a little bit embarrassed

by the whole thing, so, uh--



What the hey, man.



I mean, I know it's a drag and all,

but these things--



Hey! Hey, hey.



Uh, w-we-- we--

we didn't actually have sex.



I was depressed 'cause

I'm impotent. You know?



Unable to achieve an erection.



I have been

for over a year now, man,



and I needed someone to talk to.



I mean, think about it, man.

Ayear without an erection?



- Leave him alone!



- You should've seen this coming,

you Australian piece of shit!



That's my Daytime Television

Lifetime Achievement Award!



Cheesy bastard!




You whore.!



Oh, Christ!






All right, you want fun and games?

All right.



I'll give you fun and games.



Explain this away.



Aaah! Ollie!



That's myJag.!

That's myJag.!



That's my bloodyJag!



You bitch!



Bitch! Bitch!



Bye-bye, baby!



Oh, what are you looking at?



Explain this away, darling.



Miles Massey's office.

Hey, it's me. Any messages?



Yeah, quite a few.

Where are you?

Just whitening.



Jim says he wants a meeting

today, if possible.

Mm-hmm. What else?



Chapman says his wife

is now in Tahoe.



Tell Amstedler

I'll return in    minutes,



get Wrigley to look up

Oliphant v. Oliphant,

Commonwealth of Virginia...



for its relevance

in the Chapman filing--



Oliphant v. Oliphant,

relevance to Chapman--

She said she took the kids to Tahoe?



That's right.

Wait, which side




She's on some kind of cruise.



Yeah, well, if the cruise

goes all the way around the lake,

she's left the state and she's in breach.



Tell Wrigley to prepare

a filing to attach.

A filing to attach.



What do you want in it?




Primaty residence, beach house,

ski cabin, auto, stocks, bonds,

dental floss.




Uh-huh. Gonna lose ya.






Oh, and get a fruit and pastty basket

in the conference room for my  :  .

Didn't have time for breakfast.



Where are you?

Comin' at ya.



Your  :   is here.

Bonnie Donaly.



Bonnie Donaly.



Mrs. Donaly.












Yes, your husband did show remarkable

foresight in taking those pictures,



and, yes,

absent a swimming pool,



the presence of a pool man

would appear to be suspicious.



But, madam,

who is the real victim here?



Let me suggest to you

the following.



Your husband,

on a prior occasion,

had slapped you-- beat you.



I think that word

is not inappropriate.

No, I--



Let me finish, please.



I'm not concerned

with who slapped whom first.



Your husband,

who had beaten you repeatedly--

No, he never--



Please-- repeatedly, was at the time

brandishing your firearm.



- It was his gun.

- And we'll get it back for you.



Ttying, in his rage,

to shoot an acquaintance,



a friend of long standing.



They never really cared

for each other.



And if not for your

cool-headed intervention,



his tantrum might have ended

this schmo's life and ruined his own.



As for the sexual indiscretion

which he imagined took place,



wasn't it in fact he...

who was sleeping with the pool man?




Am I going too far here?



Were his sexual-- No.

I don't--



Sorty. I'm not omniscient.



The point is

that he acted upon an assumption

which he cannot prove,



and I take it you deny.



- Well--

- Fine. I'll take the case.



It's imperative

that I meet with Oliver Olerud

before we proceed any further...



so that I can massage the kinks

out of our testimony.



Do you really think

we can put all this across?



The truth is so self-evident

to me, Mrs. Donaly,



that I'm sure I'll be able to make it

equally as transparent to anyjury,



should your husband

decide to take it that far.



We'll need to caucus again

to draw up a picture

of your husband's net worth.



A map of enemy territoty,

so to speak.



You said he's a television producer?

He has a soap opera--

The Sands of Time.



It's a silly show.



Well, it'll be yours soon.



Thank you vety much.



Thank you, Mr. Massey.

Yeah. Bye-bye.



Still, you have to admire him

for taking those pictures.



Now, Mrs. Gutman,



you testified that you were

your husband's sexual slave...



for    years

during your marriage.



Except for two years

when he was in the navy

in Southeast Asia.



And before your marriage,

what was your profession?



I was a hostess

for Braniff Airlines.



And what is

your husband's profession?



He manufactures staples

and industrial brad tacks.



He's very successful.



How would you describe

your husband's sexual proclivities?



Well, at first he was

a vety gentle and tender lover.



But then he became

more and more fixated...



on toys and machinery

and devices of various kinds.



You don't decide to become bored.



It just happens.

You're just looking for trouble.



It's a midlife crisis.



Look, get yourself

a new car.



I have a new car.



I have two new cars and a tab

at the Mercedes dealership.



Torn the house down





the cabin in Vail,



got three of those, uh...

yard people--




Gardeners. I've got a man

who waxes my jet.



These encounters

were videotaped.




there would be a gizmo.



A gizmo?



He had a device

he called the Intruder.



It was something he had

the engineers at the factory design.



And then he had a prototype built

out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.



I see.



So the vacuum cleaner

wasn't available to me

for several months.



Several months

without the appliance.




The problem is,

evetyone is willing

to compromise.



That's the problem with

the institution of marriage.

It's based on compromise.



Even through

its dissolution.



Mrs. Gutman here,

she's gonna score some points...



concerning her husband's

sexual politics.




we'll tty to impeach.



And then the entire process

will find an equilibrium point...



based on the skill

of the individual lawyers.



Then both parties will go home

with their portion

of the staple factoty.



That's life.

Life is compromise.



That's not life.

That's death.



Struggle and challenge

and ultimate destruction

of your opponent-- that's life.



Let me ask you




Attila the Hun.



Thank you, Mrs. Gutman.

Ivan the Terrible.

Henty the Eighth.



Mr. Massey, any questions?

What do they have in common?



Middle name.

No. They didn't just win.

They-- They--



Mr. Massey?

They destroyed--



Mr. Massey, again I ask,



have you any questions

for the complainant?



I'm sorty, Your Honor.

I was just consulting

with an associate.



Now, Mrs. Gutman,



do you know a man

named David Gonzalez?



Well, he's the tennis pro at the club.



The tennis pro?



Then why are your letters addressed to him,

""Dear David and Goliath''?



Whoo! Whoo!



Go, Rexie!



Go, Rexie baby!












Cabin seven.


















- Choo-choo.



- Choo-choo.

- Choo-choo.






- Choo-choo!

- Whoo-whoo!






Ahh! Oh! Choo!






I'm gon' nail yo' ass!



I'm gon' nail yo' ass!



Oh, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

Yo' ass!



I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

Come to papa!



I'm gon'nail ya.!

Yeah, I got ya.!



I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!

Enough, I say!



Hold it.!

I'm gon'nail yo'ass.!



Yeah.! Yeah.!



A silly misunderstanding--


Someone nailed yo'ass.!



Mm-hmm, yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

I'm gon' nail yo' ass!



I'm gon'nail yo' ass!



Yep, I nailed his ass.



I thought he'd outgrown trains.



They never grow up, lady.

They just get tubby.



How charming. An aphorist.



Oh, yeah, I've always

had ample proportions.



But believe you me, it's all muscle.

I'm as hard as a rock.



I'm not one of these cream puff,

sit-behind-the-desk private dicks.



I'm an ass-nailer.

So I see.



Gym four times a week--

hour and a half, plus stretching,



LifeCycle, LifeStep, LifeCircuit.



Gus Petch don't pussyfoot around.



I must say, for someone in your line of work,

you don't exhibit a great deal of tact.



You want tact, call a tactician.

You want an ass nailed,

you call Gus Petch.



Christ, you seem to be

taking it pretty good.



I seen 'em come in here,

weep and wail

like Baptists at a funeral.



Like they hired me to prove

their husbands weren't foolin' around.



Don't get me wrong, Mr., um--




Gus Petch.



Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing,

I am delighted that you found this material.



This is going to be

my passport to wealth,



independence and freedom.



Sounds like to me

you gon' nail his ass.



Honey? Honey!



Rex, get away from the door.






My key doesn't work.



Can we talk about this?



Rex, get away

from the door.



Oh, look, I know

that you're upset, honey.



Rex, for your own safety,

get away from the door.



I don't like having

to set the dogs on you.



Oh, for ctying out loud,

if we could-- Dogs?



Yes, dogs.



I wanted some security

since I'll be living here alone.



Look, Matylin, can't we have

a civilized discussion about this?

Our lawyers can.



- Aaah!



You have a discovery hearing at  :  

for the Maxine Gopnick case.



Discovety? Gopnick?

And a Lance Kelso called.



He read your article

about palimony settlements...

Lance Kelso.



in same-sex




and would like to schedule

an appointment.




Arthur Yardumian

and his tax attorney want to reschedule

their caucus for tomorrow.




Arthur had to fly to Atlanta

for a deadbeat dad hearing.




And your    :   is here.

Rex Rexroth.



- Rex Rexroth?

- Real estate. He's okay.



Mr. Rexroth.



Uh, call me Rex.




Miles Massey.

Please sit. Relax.



Consider this office your office,

your haven, your war room

for the duration of the campaign.



Thank you.



Now, sir...



tell me your troubles.






my wife has me

between a rock and a hard place.



That's her job.

You should respect that.



When I first met Matylin,

we were crazy about each other.



Not emotionally, of course.

Just, we couldn't keep

our hands off each other.



But then--



Time marches on.



- Ardor cools.

- Yeah.



So, um, we had an understanding.




We could see other people.



Has Mrs. Rexroth pursued the opportunities

implicit in your arrangement?



Uh, I can-- I can only assume--



Not in court, you can't.



- Has she retained counsel?

- I don't know.



- She has rottweilers.

- Not a good sign.



And have you yourself exploited

your understood freedom?



There's a lady.



A-Ayoung lady.



She lets me be myself.

Of course.



And your wife is aware

andlor has evidence?



- Video.

- Hah!



To cut to the chase,

forensically speaking,



is there a prenup?



""The fault, dear Brutus, lies not

in our stars, but in ourselves.''



Let me ask you this--

What kind of a settlement do you seek?



What are, for you,

the parameters of the possible?



Well, that's the problem.



I can't afford to give her anything.






Yeah, I know that sounds

a little rough, but listen,



I'm about to close a deal

to develop some mini-malls.



I'm mortgaged up to my heinie.



If this deal goes south, I am ruined.

I will lose millions.



So you propose...



that, in spite of demonstrable

infidelity on your part,



your unoffending wife should be

tossed out on her ear?



Well, is that possible?



It's a challenge.



Why don't you come out to Malibu

and see my new beach house tomorrow.



I didn't know Dmitri

had a beach house.



Neither did I

until my lawyer found it.

Quite a paper trail.



He had it

in the dog's name.




Well, tomorrow won't work.

I'm having a body wrap.



How's Wednesday?

Hair appointment

in the morning.





How's your Thursday?



I'm having facial injections.

That kills Friday and Saturday.



- Botox?

- Butt fat.



Does that really work?

You tell me.



Hello, darlings.







So, you and Rex are--



Well, as my private investigator put it,

we're gonna nail his ass.



I've been ttying

to nail George's ass for years,

but he is so careful.



- Oh.! Oh.!



Are you all right, Claire?



Down the wrong pipe.



- So, who's your lawyer?

- Freddy Bender.



I have an appointment this afternoon

with Rex and his schnauzer.



So, who's Rex's guy?

Miles Massey.



Miles Massey?

Of Massey, Myerson?



Do you know him?

By reputation.



And, Matylin, he's no schnauzer.



He got Phyllis Rumsey

that cute little island

of George's.



George was so impressed,

he hired him

when he divorced his second.



- Muriel Rumsey.

- Who's she?




Night manager at McDonald's.



But, Marylin,

do we have a man for you.



Thorstenson Gieselensen.



He just separated from his third.

He's in fish.



He is fish.

Well, he's tuna.



Ladies, I'm not seeing anyone

until I've finished nailing Rex's ass.



But, Marylin,

this man is tuna.



Sarah, one husband at a time.



I'll do the talking.



I know you'll be tempted to chime in,

but remember that you're in

an emotionally vulnerable state.



I'm the professional.










Freddy Bender,

this is Rex Rexroth.



And you are

the lovely Marylin.



Please, Ms. Rexroth.



And you must be Mr. Massey.



Please, Miles. Sit.



Sit down.



Freddy, I was sorty to hear

about the Goldberger award.



- Pastty?



We did vety well.



We did vety well.



Not to worty, Mrs. Rexroth.

You're ably represented.



I'm sure Freddy's just too modest

to tell you he used to clerk

for Clarence Thomas.




Going begging.



Don't tty to bait me, Miles.



If you have a proposal to make,

let's hear it.



Well, at this point

my client is still prepared

to consider reconciliation.



My client's ruled that out.



My client is prepared to entertain

an amicable dissolution to the marriage

without prejudice.



That's a fart in a stiff wind.



My client proposes

a   -day cooling-off period.



My client feels

sufficiently dispassionate.



My client asks that you not

initiate proceedings pending

his setting certain affairs in order.



What's so goddamn funny?



Please, let me handle this.



All right,

so much for the ice-breakers.

What are you after, Freddy?



My client is prepared to settle

for    percent of the marital assets.



Why only    Freddy?

Why not a hundred?



While we're dreaming,

why not     ?



- Are you familiar with Kershner?

- Kershner does not apply.



Bring this to trial,

we'll see if Kershner applies.



What's Kershner?

Please, let me handle this.



-Kershner was in Kentucky.

-Kershner was in Kentucky?



- Kershner was in Kentucky.

- All right, Freddy, forget Kershner.

What's your bottom line?



Primaty residence,

   percent of remaining assets.



What, are you nuts?

Have you forgotten Kershner?



Freddy, it's a negotiation.



See you at the preliminary.




we're all friends here.



It's a negotiation. Hey, uh--






Fine. We'll eat the pastty.



I thought that went well.






Gus,you outdid yourself.




Hear, hear.



Mm-hmm, that's cool.

Very cool.



Let's go back

to the football game.!



Oh, kiss my ass, now.

It's halftime, man.

This is some good shit.



I'm 'bout to nail his ass

right here.



Gussy, go back to

the Rabinowitz tape again.



Hold on, now.

Here come the good part.

She 'bout to take off her panties.



Oh, yeah.

Come on, come on, come on.




Mm-hmm-- Yeah?



It's Miles Massey.

Uh, take a number.



It's about

a job tonight.!



Goddamn it.



Aah! Aah!

Did you see that?

Oh, come on, man!



Here we are.



Ms. Rexroth, I am so delighted

you decided to come.



Well, I must admit

I was curious.



Something to start?

Some wine, perhaps?








Chateau Margaux?



'  ?

'  .



'  .



Mmm, Mr. Massey.

Good, sir.



Your husband had told me

you were the most beautiful woman

that he'd ever met.



I didn't expect

the most beautiful woman

I'd ever met.



""Dismiss your vows,

your feigned tears, your flattety,



for where a heart is hard

they make no battety.''



""Whoever loved

that loved not at first sight?''



Now, you didn't ask me here

to pick me up.



You could be disbarred for that.



Maybe I'm reckless.



What was your performance about

this afternoon?

What did your lawyer say?



Oh, Freddy thinks you're a buffoon.



He says

you've been too successful,



you're bored, complacent,

and you're on your way down.



But you don't think so.

How do you know?



Why would you be here?

Why did you ask me?



Can't I be curious?

About what?



Do you ever

answer questions?

Do you?



I'll have the tournedoes of beef.

The lady will have the same.

Thank you.



Thank you, sir.



I assume you're a carnivore.



Oh, Mr. Massey, you have no idea.



Miles, please.



Tell me more about yourself.



All right, Miles.



Let me tell you

evetything that you need to know.



You may think you're tough,

but I eat men like you for breakfast.



I've invested five good years

in my marriage to Rex,



and I've nailed his ass

fair and square.



Now I'm going to have it

stuffed, mounted...



and have my lady friends come over

and throw darts at it.



Man-hater, huh?



People don't go on safaris

'cause they hate animals.



So it's just for the hunt,

with the trophy at the end.



No. Nothing so frivolous.



This divorce means money.



Money means independence.



That's what I'm after.



What are you after, Miles?



Well, I'm a lot like you.



Just looking for

an ass to mount.



Well, don't look at mine.






Oy vey.



I got ya. See this?






Uh, I'll just have

a, um, salad, please.



Um, baby field greens.



What did you call me?



Uh, no, I-I--

I-I didn't call you anything.



You want a salad?

Yeah. Do you-- Do you have

a, uh, green salad?



What the fuck color

would it be?



Why are we eating here?



What's his problem?



Just bring him an iceberg lettuce

and a mealy tomato wedge

smothered with French dressing.



- And for you?

- Ham sandwich on stale tye bread.

Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.



- Slaw cup?

- What the hell.



Hello, Marge.

How are you, Gus?



I'm all right.



Okay, now, I Minoxed

her address book.



Don't call me anymore

for this penny-ante shit.



I shoot action.

Me and the Ikegami,Jack.



Thank you, Gus.



And those rottweilers

were a menace, man.



I told you she had dogs.



Yeah. You ain't tell me

they had a hard-on for anus Africanus.



Gus, did you see any evidence,



any telltale signs...



of indiscretion

on the part of Mrs. Rexroth?



What are you talkin' 'bout,

""telltale signs''?



Look, I see an ass, I nail it.



I don't sneak around

sniffin' at sheets.



Goddamn it,

I'm Gus Petch!



Couldn't you

be disbarred for that?



No, I don't think so.

Maybe if I'd had the patty melt.



You had a guy break into her house

and photograph her address book.



No, Wrigley, I happened

to let a man know...



that I was interested

in her address book--

that's not criminal.



I also happened

to let him know that I was

taking her out to dinner.



That's not a crime either.



No, I don't see myself

as culpable in any sense.



You, on the other hand,

could be disbarred...



for developing

and examining these photos

of her address book,



but that doesn't

really concern me.






Who are you looking for?

Tenzing Norgay.



Tenzing Norgay.



That's someone she slept with.



I doubt it. Tenzing Norgay

was the Sherpa that helped

Edmund Hillaty climb Mt. Everest.



And Matylin knows him.



No, you idiot.

Not the Tenzing Norgay.

Her Tenzing Norgay.



I'm not sure

that I actually follow that.



Few great accomplishments

are achieved single-handedly,




Most have their Norgays.



Matylin Rexroth is even now

climbing her Everest.



I wanna find her Norgay.



But how do you determine

which of the people on here are--



How do you spot a Norgay?




You start with the people

with the funny names.



Oyez, oyez.

Family Court of the Fifth District

of Los Angeles County now in session.



The Honorable

Marva Munson presiding.

All rise.



Have you sat before her




No. No, the judge sits first.

Then we sit.



Well, have you sat

after her before?



Sat after her before?

You mean, have we argued

before her before?



The judge sits in judgment.

The counsel argues before the judge.



So, have you argued

before her before?



or before she sat before?



I said, before her before.

No, you said

before she sat before.



I did at first, but--

Look, don't argue.



I'm not. I'm--

No, you don't argue.

We argue.



Counsel argues.

You appear.



Thejudge sits.



- Or you stand in contempt.

- And then we argue.



The counsel argues.

Which you've done before.



Which we've done before.




But not before her.



Rex. Sit.



There it is! I got it!



I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

Enough, I say!



I'm gon' nail yo' ass! Yeah!



Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

A silly misunderstanding--



Get that thing off me!



Yeah, I'm gon' nail yo' ass!



I'm gon' nail yo' ass!

I'm gon' nail your ass.!






Simply devastated.



Thank you, Mrs. Rexroth.



Mr. Massey, any questions?



""Dismiss your vows,



"your feigned tears,your flattery,



for where a heart is hard

they make no battery. '"



Mrs. Rexroth,

do you know those lines?

Objection, Your Honor.



- Grounds?

- Uh, poetty recitation.



Let me rephrase.

Mrs. Rexroth...



how high is that wall

around your heart?



Your Honor, this is harassment,



and, frankly,

it's still a little, uh, arty-farty.



- Rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth,

have you ever been in love?

- Yes.



Of course.



With Rex.



And you've always loved him?



""Whoever loved

that loved not at first sight?''






So it's your sworn testimony

that you have loved Rex Rexroth...



since first you met?






Thank you.



No further questions,

Your Honor.



Who's next, Mr. Bender?



- We rest, Your Honor.

- Mr. Massey.



Your Honor, I call Heinz,

the Baron Krauss von Espy.



Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.



Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!



Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.



Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!







Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.!

Tenzing Norgay.



Mr. Krauss,

do you solemnly swear that--

Krauss von Espy.



Mr. Krauss von Espy,

do you solemnly--



Baron Krauss von Espy.



solemnly swear that the testimony

you are about to give shall be the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth,



so help you God?



-Mais bien sur.

- No maybes.



Mais bien sur.

But of course, yes.



The baron does not lie.

Have a seat, sir.



Did you sleep with him?



Don't be a fool.



Shush, Elsbieta.




Baron von Espy,

what is your profession?



Silly man. I am a baron.



Yes, but do you not

also hold a day job?



Paying job.

A, uh, a square job.



Well, one has to live.



I am the concierge

of Les Pantalons Rouges...



at Bad-Gadesbourg

in the canton of Uri.



And what does that job entail?



I satisfy such requests

as the clientele may present.



Towels, ice, et cetera?



We have bellmen for that.

No, no, no.



Such requests that, were you at home,

you would address not to your valet...



but to your majordomo.



Shush, poochy-chow.



I see. Baron, do you

recognize that woman?



Ah, cher Marylin.

But of course.



Look who is here. Hi!



And she was a guest

of the Red... Trousers?



Oh, many times,



for relaxing

and making Alpine recreation.



Mm-hmm. I am curious about

her visit of five years ago.



Januaty      .



Can you remember

any specific request

she made at that time?



- Yes, I can.

- At what, at that time,

did she tell you she required?



She said that she required...



a husband!



Do you want some bones? Huh?

Does Elsbieta want some bones?



Has anyone any bones?



Does anyone have any bones?

B-- Uh, bones? Dog candies?



No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones.

Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.



Uh, hard, uh--



We'll attend to the dog later.



Now, Baron--



Where were we?



""She said that

she required a husband.



""Oh, do you want some bones?



Has anyone any bones?

Hard, crunchy bones for the--''






Now, a husband.

That's an unusual request.



Did she specify what kind

of a husband she was looking for?



Stop him.




- Grounds?

- Uh... hearsay.



It's not secondhand, Your Honor.

This is direct testimony

about the baron's own conversation.



- I'm going to allow it.

- Yeah.



She said she wanted

a vety rich husband.



She wanted to know

the businesses and the wealths-s--

the wealths-s-s--



Can I say this?

Wealths of our various eligible guests.



And did she have

any other specifications?



- Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatoty.

- What's good for the gander, Your Honor.



- Is this a legal argument--

""What's good for the gander''?

- You got to play your tape, Freddy.



Mr. Massey has a point there.

I'm going to allow it.



Were there any other




She ""specificated'' a silly man.



Objection, Your Honor.!

I'm going to allow it.



She ""specificated'' a man who,

though clever at making money,



would be easily duped

and controlled.



Objection, Your Honor.

Shut up, Freddy.

She's allowing it.



She ""specificated'"a man

with a wandering pee-pee.



How you say? Aphilanderer whose affairs

would be transparent to the world.



Objection, Your Honor!



Finally, a man whom

she could herself brazenly cuckold...



until such time

as she might choose to, uh--



We would say, ""faire un coup

de marteau sur des fesses. '"



You would say,

""make hammer on his fanny.''



- Your Honor, Objection.! I-Irrelevant.!

- I'm going to allow it!



Tell us, Baron--

Did you introduce her to such a man?



Sir, I am the concierge!



And to whom did you introduce

that calculating woman?



I introduced her...



to that silly man.



Your Honor, objection.!



Let the record show that the baron

has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!



I did it.! It was I.!



I introduced her

to that silly man!



- You son of a bitch!

- The red-faced angty one.

I introduced them!




I did it.! It was I.!



I just love trains!



I love trains!

If you please, sir!



You're the one who's sick.!



If you please--



Not the latynx!



Objection, Your Honor!

Strangling the witness!



I'm going to allow it.



Well, I think it stinks.



They left you with nothing.



Makes you wonder about

the entire legal system,



like Rodney what's-his-name.



They bought

Massey's argument.



If I lied or cheated

and was with Rex only for his money,



then he shouldn't have to

give me any.



Well, that makes no sense.

Why else would you put in

all those years?






Are you all right,





Wh-What is it?



Peptic ulcer.



I have medication,

but I can't take it

before elective surgety.



You shouldn't be

living here alone, Sarah.



My goddamn husbands

gave me the ulcer.



But a bottle of Bromo

can't love you back.






It's a catch-  .



I have to admit,

I don't like living alone.



I mean, do I need    rooms?



You could see people.



It's risky. Palimony.



Son of a bitch Marvin Mitchelson.



I'm telling you, honey, getting laid

is financial Russian roulette.



Maybe I shouldjust tear it all down,

build a cottage.



More landscaping.



Well, with my money,

I can't afford to be fooling around.



Besides, I have you.



It'll be fun--

just the girls.



Well, thanks, Sarah, but I can't

sleep on your couch forever.



I'm going to marty again,



nail the guy's ass good.



And this time

there'll be no Puffy von Espy.



Knock knock.



Excuse me. Mr. Donaly?



Mr. Donaly?



Mr. Donaly, excuse me.



You are Donovan Donaly?



I'm in a meeting.

Mr. Donaly.



I need a name.



And, of course, we will have to litigate.

Sentence, paragraph.



Naturally, the first concern

for both parties...



is the welfare

of little WendellJunior.



Nevertheless, we do question

whether the continuing expenses

for his special ed classes...



are truly justified,

given the great strides--



Mr. Massey, the senior partner

would like to see you.



Herb wants to see me?

If you have a moment.



Fourteen summaryjudgments sought.



Thirteen granted.



Eighteen movements to void

for respondent's prejudice.



Eighteen granted.



Twelve court days

on the Rexroth case alone.



     billable hours paralegal services.






at full attorney rate.



Eighty-five lunches charged.






you are the engine...



that drives this firm.



Mr. Massey?



Please, no calls.



I'm feeling... a little fragile.



I'm sorty, Mr. Massey,

but I felt certain you'd want to know

Matylin Rexroth wants to see you.



Matylin-- Uh, uh, uh, w--

Uh, when did she, uh--



She's here now.



Is she armed?

Give me a minute.






How nice of you to--






Shame on you.






What a lovely surprise.



Matylin, what a pl--



- Who the hell are you?

- Hello, Miles.



So nice of you to see us.



May I introduce

Howard D. Doyle

of Doyle Oil.



I'm goddamn pleased

to meet you.



Matylin here,

she says you're the best.

Says you're aces.



Well, thank you, Mr., uh--



Uh, any-- any relation

toJohn D. Doyle of Doyle Oil?



Oh, you must be talkin'

about Grandpa John.

My papa's John D. too.



The Deuce, we called him.

You know, kinda the rebel

of the family.



But they knocked off

that wholeJohn D. routine

when they christened Yours Truly.



Grandpa nearly had a stroke.



He did have a stroke,

but that was later,

during the labor activity in '  .



The government

stepped in.

Mm-hmm. Uh--



They called it mediation.




He called it

incipient communism.



Of course, that's when

he had his stroke.



Golly, the whole left side of his body

is as useless as tits on a boar hog.



He lingered in a vegetative state

for years--

Well, that is fascinating, Mr. Doyle.



What say we have a seat?

A seat?



Matylin's had me runnin'

up and down Rodeo Drive all day long.



Kinda hit-and-run shoppin', you know.

Take no prisoners.



Forced march kind of thing.

My God, my dogs are barkin'.



We started out at this li'l ol' place

right off of Wilshire--

It's been quite a day.



Had pewter things.



But anyway, Miles, I know you're busy

and you charge by the hour,

so I'll get straight to the point.



Howard D. and I

are planning to marty.






Well, I suppose

that congratulations are in order.



You know, the urge to wedlock

and form a lastin'monogamous bond

sanctified by ritual, it's pert-near universal.



As a matter of fact,

it might be of some interest to you,

bein'in a related business--



Even your indigenous Americans--

Uh, I believe it was your Cree-- used to--



Howard and I are here

because I've learned,

through bitter experience,



that when it comes

to matrimony and law,

you are the vety best.



And as you are well aware,

my previous marriage...



ended in an unjustified stain...



upon my reputation.



My motives were impugned.



I was slandered in court.



I was painted a harlot.



Oh, honey, you ain't no harlot.



Oh, yes, honey.



So it's my desire to remove

any trace of suspicion...



from the mind

of my dear Howard Doyle.



Oh, honey, come on, now.



I wish to execute

a prenuptial agreement.



And I'm dead-set against it.

I mean,just anti the whole deal.



Howard's lawyers prefer it.



I insist upon it.



Oh, damn lawyers.

Uh, no offense to the present company

or anything, you know.



Now, is it my understanding

that the Massey prenup

has never been penetrated?



That is correct.



Not to blow my own horn,

but they devote an entire semester to it

at Harvard Law.



They got a hell of a school up there,

ain't no doubt about it.



We donated that Doyle building

up there here a while back.




Now, I myself went to Texas A&M.

I'm an Aggie.



- Business?

- Tight end.



And I had a fair amount of success

against the split-T defense.



See, when they line up

symmetrical thataway,



it allows me to buttonhook

and,you know, do a down-and-in,

up-and-out and different things--



post pattern

every now and then.



Your tight ends

don't generally run a post.



But if the QB calls it,

hell, I'm ready.



Interrupt for a second?




I wanna make sure

that you both understand...

what it is you're asking.



The Massey prenup

provides that in the event

of a dissolution of the marriage,



for any reason,



both parties will leave it

with what they brought in...

and earned during.



No one can profit

from the marriage.



The prenup protects

the wealthier party.



Without it, that party is exposed,

a sitting duck.



Not a hell of a lot

of romance in that.



No, sir, there is not.

No romance.



More to the point,

no wriggle room.



So, are we sure...



that this is what we want?






It's my gift to Howard,



for his peace of mind,



whether or not

he's worried about it

at this moment.



Oh, honey pie,

do I look worried?



Excuse me, Mr. Doyle.



Could I just borrow

your charming fiancee

for a moment?



Well, okay.

You gon' leave a deposit?



What are you up to?




you won't understand, Miles.



Howard and I are vety much in love.



I don't know what you're thinking,

but I have to warn you, the Massey prenup

has never been penetrated.



You sign the prenup,

you can't get his money.



Thanks for the professional help.



Matylin, think of me for a moment...



not as an attorney but as a friend.



Does that mean you won't be

charging us for the hour?



Dump him.

You can't nail his ass.



Is that all?



No, that's not all.



I could have you disbarred for that.



It was worth it.



A romantic divorce attorney.



You fascinate me.



I'll get right on it.

I'll whip something up.



All right. Thank you.



How's Lionel?

He's fine.



He asked me to deliver the keynote address

at this year's convention in Vegas.



That's quite an honor.



I suppose.

On top of a great victoty.



What was that?



""What was that''?



Um, Rex Rexroth?



He kept evetything?

You win? No compromise?

Isn't that what you wanted?



Oh, good God, Miles.

What are you looking for?



I don't know.



Okay, I won.



What then?



How many cases

has Herb Myerson won?



The old man?

More than anybody. He's a legend.

And look at him.



He's    years old,

he's the first one into the office

in the morning.



- No home life.

- Who needs a home

when you have a colostomy bag?



She can't really love this dope,

can she?



Who? Uh, who loves who?



Matylin Rexroth.



She signed a prenup

for an oil millionaire.



A... Massey... prenup?






Well, then she is not

after his money.



Only love is in mind

if the Massey is signed.



What the hell's

wrong with you?



Thank you for coming

to this celebration...



of the love between our two friends,

Matylin and Howard.



In today's cynical world,



it's so hard to take

that great leap of faith...



aboard the ship of love and caring.



But today Matylin and Howard

are taking that leap...



and telling us, their friends,



that they do believe,

that they do have faith,



that they do love.



Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle,



take Matylin to be your shipmate

on this journey through life,



through gale and doldrum,

seas choppy, wild and calm?



Yes, I do, Father Scott.



And do you, Matylin Rexroth,

take Howard to be

your shipmate and companion...



to ports of every clime,



be it in first class or steerage?



I do.



Then, by the power vested in me

by the State of California,



and as captain

of the good ship Amore Veritas,



I now pronounce you man and wife.



What do you think?



- What are they, ladles?

- Berty spoons.




Berty spoons.



Evetybody has spoons.

And nobody needs

berty spoons.



Evetybody eats berries.

Who are you, Pollyanna?



Hey, evetybody!

Folks! Hey, y'all!

Where'd you see 'em at?



A Martha Stewart catalog

right next to the silver napkin rings?



I need your attention

for a minute.

Stadium seat ass-warmers?



Dear God, Wrigley, how many

cockamamie personal possessions

do we have to amass--



Why so angty?



Now, I know it's not common practice

for the groom to give his bride

a gift on their weddin' day,



but ever since

I met Marylin there...



I can't seem to quit

givin' her things.



- And I don't wanna stop

'cause it feels so durn good!



Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce

over here, little buddy.



There you go.



Put that thing on my neck now.



Now, honey,

it's like the padre said.



I want love and trust between us.



Love and trust

and not a thing else.



And this here deed

that I'm fixin' to perform--



Well, honey, let me just, uh--



You see this?



This is for you, darlin'



This here is for you.



This here is for you, baby.



Ever'last little speck of it.



I love you.



I mean, I love you

like a son of a bitch!



I trust you.!



This here is for you, baby.




Baby, this is for you.



What is it?

I really love you.



It's the prenup.



I love her!



I trust her.!



Ladies and gentlemen,

It's the prenup!



I trust her.!




You look beautiful.




if you'll excuse us.



We have to talk.



I would like to offer

my congratulations.



It was a beautiful gesture

of Howard's.



Well, Howard

is a beautiful person.



A diamond in the rough.



And I have a feeling that

someday soon...



you'll be taking that diamond

and leaving the rough.



In a month or so,

once I've established that I've tried

to make the marriage work.



May I offer my services?

Oh, thanks.



But no.



No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender.



Poor Freddy. He was awfully blue

after my last divorce.



Well, I admire your loyalty.



To lawyers, anyway.



I guess without the prenup

it's something even Freddy could manage.



But how did you

get Howard to do it?



It felt like it was his idea.



Surely, Mr. Massey,

you've addressed enough juries...



to appreciate

the power of suggestion.






Look, now that the marriage

is winding down,



have dinner with me.






No, nothing doing until

the ink is dty on the settlement.



Oh, this'll be no settlement.



If I know Matylin Rexroth,

this'll be nothing short of

a complete and total...






You're gonna win.

Excuse me?



I can always tell,

going to Vegas,

who's gonna win.



Well, thanks,

but I'm going on business.



I always win.



You know why I hate this town,




You see, people get to Las Vegas,

and all of a sudden, the rules

of the moral universe don't apply.



When God is dead,

all things are possible.



I saw an ad in the paper:



""No-fault divorce--

two-week divorce without a lawyer.''



Made me sick to my stomach.

""No-fault divorce.''



Good God.

Talk about your oxymoron.



What's the world comin' to?

One man

can only do so much.



One man-- What

are you talkin' about?



- Freddy.

with Freddy Bender yesterday.



He tells me

that Matylin Rexroth-Doyle

is now richer than Croesus.



Ah, yes, but is she richer

than Mrs. Croesus?



She could buy and sell you

    times over.




- My God, is that her?

- Mmm.



Freddy said she was flying in with him.

Celebrating, I guess.



I'm fascinated by that creature.

Richer than me, huh?



Well, she deserves every penny.



And now she's single again.

Excuse me.



No. You should stay away

from her, Miles.



Recite your keynote address.

Take a cold shower.



You're looking well,


Hello, Miles.



Obscene wealth becomes you.



I should've known

you'd be here.

Be here?



I'm the keynote speaker.

Oh, how nice for you.



""Nailing Your Spouse's Assets.''

Excuse me?



My speech.




Oh, I'm sure you'll

bring the house down.



It's an easy crowd.



At this point, I would think

you're probably the only person

that I can't teach anything to.







Now, correct me,

but since by now the ink must be dty,



I believe

I have the right to collect.




You promised to have dinner with me

once you were free.



I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't,

which implies no promise once I am.




Let me rephrase.



I would be delighted--

honored, really--




Ow! Howard!






You named him

after your ex.

I'm sentimental.



Well, I'm free this evening,

so I suppose a little dinner

would do no harm.



Le Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin,




Yes. Thank you.

I'll take care of it.



Matylin, this is

a moment to savor.



Yes, we were adversaries,



but we were also professionals.



So let us raise a glass

to friendship.



To victoty.



So, how does it feel?




Victoty. Independence.



Oh, um--



- Well, frankly, Miles--

- It's not evetything you'd hoped for?



I know the feeling.




Two-edged sword.



My friend-- My best friend--

Sarah Sorkin?



Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?



The O'Flanagan settlement?



- Ahh.

- Hmm.



- Huh.

- Anyway, three fine settlements.



More money

than she could ever hope to spend.




Her vaunted independence.



Don't tell me. She sits

around the house, afraid to see people,

afraid to put her portfolio into play.



And only a peptic ulcer

to keep her warm at night.






There's a certain point

when you've achieved your goals.



You realize that

you're still not satisfied.






We should order.



You know,

I'm not really hungty.



Neither am I.






     billable hours.



      motions to void.



    summaty judgments.



        lunches charged.







Hello? Matylin?



Sarah Sorkin just died!






Her ulcer...











Yes, Matylin?



She was alone.



She'd been dead for two days

before her Pilates instructor found her.



Matylin, listen to me.



No arguments. No discussions.

I'll have Wrigley meet us

at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather.



- Wrigley!

- The vows are from an Arapaho

dawn greeting ceremony.



The music is Simon and Garfunkel.

And this is the Massey prenup.



You the two gettin' married?

- Mr. MacKinnon here will be officiating.



Sorty. Short notice.




Matylin, you're welcome

to examine this.



This is the Massey prenup.



As you know, it's ironclad.

We tried to reach Freddy Bender.



We tried to reach Freddy, to have him here

for your protection, but we couldn't find him.

I couldn't get him.



Are you two here to get married

or to bullshit?



- So you can't hope to benefit

from the marriage?

- Not in any way.



And my wealth is completely--

completely protected?



As if a lead veil

had been drawn across it.



Do you still

want to marty me?

More than ever.



Are ya rentin' kilts?



Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey,



of Massey, Myerson, Sloan

and Gurolnick, L.L.P.,



take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle

to be your lawful wedded wife?



I do. Yes. I do. I do.



Let me finish.

Jesus, have you never

been married before?



To have and to hold,

to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?



- I do.



And do you,

Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle,



take Miles Longfellow Massey

to be your lawful wedded husband,



to have and to hold,

to love and to cherish,

till death do you part?



- I do.

- I now pronounce you man and wife.



I'll take care of you later.



No, no, no, no, no. No.

This is all wrong.




Is it the kilt?



Do you love me?

More than anything.



Can I trust you?

Yes. You can trust me.



Darling, you're exposed.



A sitting duck.



I hereby declare the    th Congress

of the National Organization...



- of Matrimonial Attorneys

Nationwide... open.



As our first order of business,

it is a privilege to call to the podium

our keynote speaker.



From the Los Angeles firm

of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick,



a man whose name is synonymous

with bitter disputes and big awards,



Miles Massey.



Thank you, Branco.



In the world of--



In the world of matrimonial law,

there are--



In the world of matrimonial law,






this morning I stand before you

a vety different Miles Massey...



than the one that

addressed you last year...



on the disposition of marital assets

following murderlsuicide.



I wish to talk to you today

not about technical matters oflaw.



I wish to talk to you

about something more important.



I wish to talk to you

from the heart...



because today...

for the first time in my life,



I stand before you... naked...






and in love.






It's a word

we matrimonial lawyers avoid.



Funny, isn't it?

We're frightened of this emotion,

which is, in a sense,



the seed of our livelihood.



Well, today Miles Massey

is here to tell you...



that love need

cause us no fear.



Love need cause us no shame.



Love is...






- Love is good.



I am, of course, aware that these remarks

will be received here with cynicism.



Cynicism, that cloak

that advertises our indifference...



and hides all human feeling.



Well, I'm here to tell you that that cynicism

which we think protects us...



in fact destroys.



Destroys love,

destroys our clients,



and, ultimately,

destroys ourselves.



Colleagues, when our clients come to us

confused and angry and hurting...



because their flame of love

is guttering and threatens to die,



do we seek to extinguish that flame

so that we can sift...



through the smoldering wreckage

for our paltry reward,



or do we fan

this precious flame,



this most precious flame,

back into loving, roaring life?



Do we counsel fear or trust?



Do we seek to destroy or build?



Do we meet our clients'problems

with cynicism...



or with love?



The choice is, of course,

each of ours.



For my part, I've made the leap of love,

and there's no going back.



Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the last time I will address you...



as the president of N.O.M.A.N.--

or as a member.



I intend to devote myself

to pro bono work in East Los Angeles...



or... one of those other--



God bless you all.



I love you, man.



So, Wrigley, I'm gonna be

relinquishing my partnership

in Massey, Myerson.



If you'd care to join me

in my new endeavor,

I'd be delighted.



Of course, I can't offer you

the same kind of financial remuneration

you've grown accustomed to,



but the work'll have

to serve as its own reward.



Barkeep, we'll have two

of your finest scotches.

That's the, uh--



- That's-- That's the soap that used

to belong to, uh--



Now, you'll be serving

in a junior capacity, of course.

Donovan Donaly.



- Miles, that's, uh-- that's, uh-- uh--

- It'll be a small operation, a boutique.



Let me tell you

what they called me

in medical school.




I don't see why

my leadership skills should--




Mackenzie the Mechanical Marvel.



It's Howard.

You see, I have no nerves.



He's not an oil tycoon.

An actor.



Doctor, this is highly unusual.



So Matylin married a soap actor.



So she's--she's... poor.



Get yourself some clean scrubs

and have them prepare the O.R.



- Well, thank God you have the prenup.

- I have no prenup.



- You have no prenup.

- I have no prenup.



You have no prenup.









- Matylin?

- Oh, hello, Miles.



- Going back to L.A.?

- Yes.



Look, Miles, I think it's only fair

to warn you that after a decent interval,



I intend to have Freddy

seek an injunction...



that would forbid you to approach

within     feet of my house.



You mean, my house.

Oh, I believe the residence

will be part of the settlement.



Matylin, didn't last night

mean anything to you?



Oh. Well, about as much as

it'll mean to you--

half of your net worth.



Oh, Miles, you'll always be

my favorite husband.



But no more sentiment,




I really have to be going.



The dog's rented.



You didn't win.



Excuse me?



I can always tell,

comin' back from Vegas,

who didn't win.



You're right.






you're going

through with it?






I just felt so sorty for him

for a minute there.



At the preliminaty hearing,

he just looked so beaten.



Well, he was beaten,

fair and square.

I know, but--



Oh, their pathetic look.



It's what they all fall back on

when they don't have a prenup.



Just stay strong

until the divorce is final.




and enjoy your pool.



Do you think

he's eating enough?




This woman has humbled,



shamed and disgraced

the entire firm.



- Yes, Herb.

- Counselor...



this firm deals in power.



This firm deals in perception.



This firm cannot prosper...



nor long endure

if it is perceived to be...



dancing to the music

of a hurdy-gurdy!



It's just--



Herb, for the first time

in my career,



I don't know what to do.



I'm a patsy.

I'm a sittin' duck. I'm lost.



- Lost?



I'll tell you what you can do.

You can act like a man.



tell you something, smart guy.



You thought you had it



Trust. Marriage.



All your goddamn love, love, love!



Now,you listen to me.

I'm gonna talk to you

about the goddamn law.



We serve the law!



We honor the law!



And sometimes, Counselor,

we obey the law.



But, Counselor,



this is not one of those times.



Are you... WheezyJoe?



Which of youse is Smith?



Well, uh, we're here

representing Mr. Smith...



on a matter of some delicacy.



- Who's the pigeon?

- The what?



- Who you want me to kill?

- Yes. Well, we would like you--



Mr. Smith would like you

to neutralize--




render unto a state of--



so that

she isn't so much, uh-- uh--



- Breathing.

- Yes. A business associate...



by the name of

Matylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey--

Smith-- Massey.



Is that one person?



I have some photos here...



of Miss Rexroth,

and, um, that's the address

that she's staying at.



That is Mr. Smith's address--

Massey's-- Smith--



It's Mr. Smith's address,

although Mr. Smith is not

directly involved.



Because of an impending legal matter,

we need this to happen

within a certain time frame.



- On an expedited basis.

- You're in a rush.



We're not in a rush.

Mr. Smith is.



Sh-- Sh-- Sh-- She won't--

She won't suffer, will she?



Not unless you pay extra.



What's the matter, Rexie?






Yes, he's here.

One moment, please.






It's for you.



Hello? Yes?






I see.



My God.



- What?

- That was Marvin Untermeyer.



He was Rex Rexroth's

personal attorney.






What do you mean, he was?



Rex had a massive coronaty

in the middle of a business meeting.



He's dead.



Well, I'm vety sorty to hear that,



but you two weren't... close,

were you?



Marvin said that Rex's will

was four years old.

Never redrafted it.



He was stinkin'rich.




Evetything goes to Matylin.



She's not poor.

She's richer than you.



She is exposed. No prenup.

She's a sitting duck.



She's a sitting duck.

Can't kill her. No need.




No. It would be pointless.

She's exposed.

It's pointless.




Why kill the only woman

you've ever loved when

she's the richer party?



She's rich. And I love her.

Don't need to kill her.




What? Ah!



WheezyJoe. What do you want?




Hi, it's Miles Smith--

Mr. Smith-- calling to say...



on behalf of myself,

that it is--




uh, no-go

concerning Matylin.



I'm speaking with no knowledge.

This is what Mr. Smith wants.



This is what I want.



I am Mr. Smith.

Thank you.



That was good.



- You think I'm protected?

- Ehh-- You--



Am I protected?

I think it would hold up.



- Matylin.

- Yes, yes. Matylin.



- What do we do?

What if he's on his way there?

- Yes. Oh!



- If he's on his way there--

- Oh, no! Matylin!



Get her out and buy some time.

Buy some time!






Matylin, you must

leave the house immediately.



It's imperative

that you leave the house.

Hello, Miles.



- Hello, dear.

- Now, Miles, pending final settlement,



you know that I'm entitled

to use the house.

No, no, no! You don't understand!



It's an emergency!

An emergency!



What is it?

I forgot that I left the gas main on,

which leaks!



- Good gosh. That sounds dangerous.

- It's a deadly, odorless, colorless,



""liquid-less'' gas that-- that attacks

the central nervous system...



and causes diarrhea

and facial tics!



Okay. All right.

Well, thanks for calling, Miles.

Okay. Bye-bye.



I think she bought it.



So, tell me...



who sent you?



Mr. Smith.



Is this Mr. Smith?






That's his lawyer.



Whatever they're paying you,

I'll double.



We wait for WheezyJoe.

We tell him it's a no-go.







Looks like she's gone.

Looks like she bought it.



Good stuff.

There's no one here.

Except for the rottweilers.



Sure. Rottweilers.



You go that way.







thank God you're in time.



You're not in time.

We're in time.

Thank God we're in time.



Look, it's a no-go. You get it?

No one need be the wiser,

so you can just go on home.



Good-bye. You know,

thank you so much.



Hear that? Okay?

No, no. No, no. No, no.



No-go. No contract.

It's off. It's--



Will you explain to the lunkhead

that it's a no-go?

No-go. It's a no-go.



We'll settle your contract later.

Look,you're fired, pal.

Let it go. Walk away.



- Golden parachute.

- Don't let the screen door hit you.

Does he speak any language?



Here's what happened,

Mr. Carnera. We feel that--



Wait, wait, wait, wait.



Wheezy.! Uh--



Told him it was a no-go.







- Hello, Matylin.

- Hello, Miles.



- This is where we first met, remember?

- Of course I remember.



It's hard to believe that when

you walk out that door today,

you'll be walking out of my life forever.



It's not something

I wanted either.



But, then, I guess...



something inside of me died...



when I realized that

you'd hired a goon to kill me.



Wait a minute.

You hired him to kill me.

No. Both of you wait a minute.



- Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.

- Hear, hear.



Apparently, from what I can gather,

a burglar broke into your house.



Miles's house.



A burglar broke in

intending to loot the place,

uh, repented,



became despondent

over his lifestyle

and shot himself.



- So where does that leave you and me?

- Well, we've outlined a settlement.



My client is prepared

to consider a reconciliation.



But how could I trust you,

Miles, after all this?



See, that's exactly right. The point is--

You wounded me first, Matylin.



I'm not proud of what I've done,

but God knows, I did trust you once.



If you couldjust--

just give us another chance.



but I think my client is well beyond

the point of considering--



How could I ever trust you again?

I mean, really trust you, Miles?



Matylin, there is nothing

in the Massey prenup that says...



it can't be executed

after the parties wed.



Well, if this, uh, indeed

is a Massey prenup,



and a cursoty examination

tends to support that it is, then--



Oh, my God, Matylin.

You're exposed.






Counselor! Freddy!



Freddy.! Come on, Freddy.!

No fair.!






Did you hear something?

Only the patter

of little lawyers' feet.



Where did you find Howard?



The actor?

From a TV producer.



I think you know him.

I gave him an idea for a new show,

so he made me a partner.



I guess that means I'm a partner.

I guess it does.



And what exactly is it

we're partners in?



Who gets what and who gets who?



You'll find out on

America's Funniest Divorce Videos.



Here's the star of our show,

Gus Petch.!



You goddamn right, folks.

I'm Gus Petch.



And we got a great show for ya.

We gon' make you laugh.

We gon' make you cty.



- But most of all, we gon' nail yo'--

- Ass.!



Nail your ass!

Nail your ass!



Nail your ass.!



Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!

Gus.! Gus.! Gus.! Gus.!


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