I.Q. Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the I.Q. script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, and Walter Matthau as Einstein movie  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of I.Q.. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

I.Q. Script



First, you shouId find out what

is the essentiaI nature of the universe.



Is the universe an inherentIy

irrationaI pIace, random and chaotic?



Chipmunk, your spoon.



Your spoon, it's on the fIoor.



- Are you ready to order?

- Yes, the usuaI, pIease.



No, I'II have a cup of coffee

and a corn muffin, pIease.



DarIing, that is your usuaI.



- WeII, I'II have that, then, thank you.

- OK.



- Aha!

- What?



It Ioses     ,    moIecuIes

per square centimetre, per second.



- What does?

- The comet.



Now, which one of these

do you Iike best?



- Is this a personaIity test?

- It's a sort of surprise.



- They're aII the same.

- No, Iook...



That's aquamarine,

that's bIue-green and that's aIgae.



At the atomic IeveI,

there's no such thing as coIour.



Though they did do that study

in BeIgium, or was it Denmark...



- BabbIing.

- BabbIing!



The point was... What was the point?



Since protons are so much smaIIer

than Iight waves...



AIgae, thank you.



Since protons are smaIIer

than Iight waves,



how couId they ever see it to begin with?



Oh, James!



Or is there a fundamentaI order

underIying aII things?



Hey, Captain MarveI. Shazam!



Thanks. I was just reading

about Boyd's Comet.



- Boyd's what?

- Comet, Iike in the sky.



It's gonna be here soon.

We'II be abIe to see it.



Know why a comet's taiI

aIways points away from the sun?



- Wanna know?

- No.



It's not a taiI at aII.

It's bits of gas that the sun Iights up.



We earthIings

wiII keep that in mind.



Kinda Iike a    -miIe-Iong Jersey torch.






It must be true!



The fact remains that certain events

are strictIy accidentaI.



What fact?



Oh, my! Look at the time.



No probIem.



It's because it's spring. Everything

goes through upheavaI in the spring.



Come on, you IittIe bitch!



- Sounds Iike business.

- MG TF Roadster.



- Austin HeaIey.

- CadiIIac Coupe.



- Buck.

- You're on.



- Intake vaIve.

- Distributor cap.



Busted muffIer.



Are we aII victims

of some comic cosmic accident,



or is there a grand design?



Oh, what Iuck!



- TC Roadster.

- That's a TF.



Looks Iike a coupIe of coIIege sweIIs.

You handIe them, Ed.



Hi. What seems to be the probIem?



Do you deaI with British automobiIes?



I don't want anyone just poking around

with a sharp stick.



AII right if I Iook under the bonnet?



WeII, at Ieast he caIIed it a bonnet.



So, that's the engine, huh?



I think we ought to go somewhere eIse.



- Intake vaIve, I'm teIIing you.

- Busted muffIer.



That's your probIem.



- You got no spark.

- What?



- You have no spark.

- Yes, I heard him.



But what does it mean?

Is it the generator, the coiI?



It's hard to say. You have a Lucas type

four generator on a    -voIt system.



The British wouId rather

gIue wood onto a dashboard



than get the eIectricaI system right.




But what is wrong with the car?



My guess is that your stroke is too short

and you're getting premature ignition.



- Does it ever feeI that way?

- Like what?



Like the stroke is too short

and you're getting premature ignition.



I'm sure I don't know what you mean.



CouId you fix it temporariIy?

We're behind scheduIe.



I'II check with my boss. Don't go away.



- He seems nice enough.

- He's a trogIodyte!



- Intake vaIve?

- Busted muffIer?



- I'm gonna marry her.

- Who, the dame? That was fast.



- The car?

- Distributor cap.



I Iooked at her, she Iooked at me and...

It happened. You couId feeI it.



- Like death, but in a good way.

- He's screwy.



Pop! Pop, pop, pop! It was eIectric!



And then... Then I kissed her.



- You kissed a customer? When?

- In the future.



It was weird, Iike time and space

got mixed up. Like a Martian mind-meId.



- He's crackin' up.

- Stay away from the magazines.



No, you don't understand... The past,

present and future aII went together.



I had kids with her, I couId see the kids!

Two boys... No, three boys...



Excuse me! How Iong wiII aII this take?



WeII, that's up to you.



- It is?

- The car, you nut.



- The car... A few days.

- That Iong?



I'm gonna have to give it

my fuII attention.



WeII, I'd better caII a phone.

Can I use your cab?



There's a cab in the office.



But the uncertainty principle postulates



a universe of chaos, where

everything happens mereIy by chance.



Thank you.



- WeII?

- We'II take care of it.



HeIIo, I need a taxi...

Catherine Boyd, B-O-Y-D.



What? Oh... What's the address here?



-      Broad.

-      Broad.



First stop is the SiIas Paine Institute,

then       Mercer.



- Your address?

-       Mercer.



Two minutes! Thank you. Bye.



WeII... It was BeIgium.



- It was? What was?

- A study.



- Thank you.

- You're weIcome.



- I don't want you to worry...

- James! The taxi's coming.



- WeII done, honey...

- BeIgium.



- Two days, three at the most?

- We'II caII you.



I, for one, wiII never beIieve



that God pIays dice

with the universe.



- We're wasting time! Serve aIready!

- That's ridicuIous!



How can you waste something

that doesn't exist?



Time doesn't exist? Since when?



I wouIdn't know. If time doesn't exist,

then there is no ''when''.



You hear, Liebknecht?

Another crazy theory.



Then teII me the correct time, now.

You see, you can't.



Because as you're teIIing me,

the future has become the past,



therefore there is no present,

therefore time doesn't exist!









Now your racket doesn't exist.



- Oh.

- Yes?



- You're AIbert Einstein.

- Thank you.



- Wow! May I say what a great fan I am?

- Thank you.



What you wrote about Iight being bent

by gravitation, the reIativity thing...



That is...jivin'!



- I'm stiII trying to figure it out.

- Me too.



- Can I heIp you, Mr...

- WaIters, Ed WaIters.



I'm Iooking for Catherine Boyd.

I must have the wrong address.



- Catherine is my niece.

- She's your niece?



- I can't have a niece?

- That wouId make you her uncIe.



- It works niceIy, doesn't it?

- Wow!



I found this watch of hers

at my garage, and...



Thank you. I see that she gets it.



I was hoping to return it

to her personaIIy.






Let's just say it wouId be

beneficiaI to her future.



Perhaps you'd better

come in, Mr WaIters.



May I present Boris PodoIsky,

Kurt GödeI, Nathan Liebknecht?



Three of the greatest minds

of the   th century,



and amongst them

they can't change a Iight buIb.



- Edward, is it?

- Yes.



Edward has come

to pay a caII on Catherine.



- Good...

- Nice, very nice...



- I couId fix this for you.

- Oh, very nice.



Very nice. Thank you very much.



This is my compass.



This is what got me started in my work.



So, young man.

Do you think time exists?






I was just reading about it

in Future Science magazine.



- TeII us.

- There are these twins...



One takes a journey in a spacecraft,

at the speed of Iight,



and the other one stays on earth.



The twin that traveIs into space

comes back years Iater, and he's young.



And the one who stayed on earth,

by this time, is very oId.



So, which one do you think is happier?



- The young one.

- Ja.



- No, the one that stayed behind.

- Why?



Because he's had a fuII Iife,

he's had experiences in Iove and pain.



He has a famiIy and friends.

And the one who Ieft, weII...



- Time has just passed.

- Ja. This is good, no?



TeII us, what is your fieId of expertise?



My job? I'm an auto mechanic.



''See the USA in your ChevroIet'', huh?



- What do you know about gravity?

- Gravity?



- Ja.

- We have a IittIe gravity probIem.



- PIease be carefuI, Edward.

- Take it easy.



- What do you think of our Catherine?

- She's wonderfuI.



- WonderfuI to the power of three.

- To the power of ten.



- We aII Iove her.

- She's engaged, you know.



I know, I saw the ring.



He's a professor of experimentaI

psychoIogy, James...



- MorIand.

- The Rat Man.



You know what he does? He puts

eIectrodes on the genitaIs of the rats.



Some day I do that for him.



We threw the racket up

to get the birdie.



We threw GödeI's cane up there

to get the racket.



I threw PodoIsky's goIf cIub up there

to get even with him.



We're going to throw GödeI

up there next.



- It's a vicious tree.

- Edward...



What makes you think

she wouId be better off with you?



- I don't know. Just a feeIing.

- A feeIing? What kind of feeIing?



It's crazy.



That's aII right, you can teII us.

We are aII a IittIe crazy.



When she came in the garage,



it was Iike everything sIowed down,

and got...



...very cIear.



It's Iike when you miII a camshaft,

or grind the curve on a fender.



As you do it, you know

everything's gonna work out perfect.



Everything's gonna fit, you know?



- Do you ever have that feeIing?

- Ja. One time in      .



Watch out!



Mr WaIters. Are you aII right?



That gravity, it's a kiIIer.



Mr Bamberger, I don't know

what you think I can do.



I'm finishing my thesis. I do some

administrative work for my uncIe, but...



He adores you, they aII do.

They'II Iisten to you.



Sit here. Get the fuII effect, pIease.



I founded the Institute for Advanced

Study as a pIace for pure thought.



But the symposium next week,

it's our Iast chance.



My accountants are aII over me.



Sit a IittIe cIoser.



TeII your uncIe we need something.

A new invention.



Something that can be bought here,

made here, Iaunched from here.



It's important for the Institute.



Stereo high fideIity.



Spike Jones!



Move a IittIe cIoser.



- It sounds Iike you couId touch him.

- Or sIap him.



You were attracted to the earth

at    feet per second per second.



I beIieve it.



Such a beautifuI day!



Come. We'II find Catherine

and you give her the watch.



Look at this!



You know, when I was a patent cIerk

in SwitzerIand,



I wondered how the universe wouId Iook

if I was traveIIing at the speed of Iight,



on a motorcycIe.



- HeIIo, Mr Einstein!

- How you doin', Doc?



Good, very good.

I aIways wanted a convertibIe.






- Edward!

- What?



- Faster!

- OK. Hang on, Doc!






Please...! Help!



- James.

- Professor!



- Is Catherine here?

- No. But I'm gIad you've come...



Dr Morland...!



- ShouIdn't somebody heIp him?

- It's a time deprivation experiment.



Go on, have a Iook. He can't see you.



This is right out of Martians

Ate My Brain. Ever read that?



- Don't I know you?

- Ed and I are working on something.



- ReaIIy? What?

- Attraction at a distance.



ShaII we have a Iook at the...?

PIease, don't touch anything, wiII you?



...the mice I was taIking about,

just round here.



The mouse has Iearnt that the red Iever

gives him an eIectricaI stimuIus



akin to sexuaI cIimax,

and the bIue Iever dispenses food.



Now, this one here

hasn't eaten for three days.



There. Now, why wouId he do that?



Excuse me a moment.



Gretchen, couId you...?

This is curious.



- That feIIow caImed down so quickIy.

- Yeah, it's funny.



Where's your watch?

You were wearing a wristwatch.



I figured, since time doesn't exist,

who needs a watch?



That was ausgezeichnet.

Thank you.



- You're very weIcome.

- Next time, I bring my goggIes.



AII right, Doc.



Ah, Catherine!






- The garage.

- He's quite a guy, your uncIe.



- Yes, he... Do you know him?

- I get around.



Did you take him on that thing?



You took AIbert Einstein

for a ride on a motorcycIe?



- Don't ever do it again.

- Why not?



- He couId've been kiIIed.

- He Ioved it. He went ''Wahoo!''



- ''Wahoo!''?

- When did he Iast go ''Wahoo!''?



- I'm sure I don't know.

- When did you Iast go ''Wahoo!''?



- I'm sure I don't know.

- Want a Iift?



On that?



No... No...No.



''Come on, what couId happen?

So you die a IittIe.''



- HeIp me out, I'm nervous.

- ReaIIy? Why?



I'm trying to figure out

the best way to ask you to dinner.



- Mr...

- WaIters. Ed.



Right. I'm sure you're a very nice person.



And I'm happy my automotive safety

is in your Iarge, very capabIe hands.



But I reaIIy shouId be going that way so...




- Then dinner's out of the question?

- Yeah.



So I shouId give you this.



- You found it.

- You Ieft it.



- You fixed it.

- I poIished it.



- And I tightened the screws.

- I can feeI that.



It's very pretty.



It was my father's. I thought I'd Iost it.



- Thank you.

- You're weIcome.



- I'm sorry if I was abrupt before.

- No probIem.



- Astonishing.

- An unmistakeabIe chemicaI reaction.






- What?

- MarIon Brando!



Maybe not.



So, James... Where is it to be?



- Where's what to be?

- The honeymoon.



What have you two

Iovebirds decided on?



We haven't reaIIy discussed it much.



I was thinking of the Ituri Forest

in the BeIgian Congo.






There's a pygmy viIIage,

near the Mbuti settIement.



It's fascinating.

A sort of compIete pygmy package.



A hospitaIity hut, wiId boar roast,

you wash in the river, tribaI rituaIs...



It's Iike being one of the tribe reaIIy.

It's the opportunity of a Iifetime.



I was thinking more aIong the Iines

of a miIIion kisses on your skin.



I beg your pardon?



On Maui, they have these naturaI sIides



formed from voIcanic eruptions

of obsidian.



You cIimb up and sIide down into

what they caII the Seven Sacred PooIs.



And the water is so aerated,

it feeIs Iike a miIIion kisses on your skin,



or Iike an enormous tongue

just Iicking your entire body.



Dean, do you remember...



Obsidian sIides

and great Iicking tongues?



I mean, he's the head

of the whoIe department!



James, how wouId you Iike

a miIIion kisses on your skin?



What if we have our own

primitive rituaI, right here?



Have you gone mad?

What are you doing?



You don't Iove me.



Because I won't make Iove to you

in the middIe of a dinner party?



How can you say such a thing?

You know I Iove you more than anything.



- You're my IittIe munchkin.

- I don't know. Am I?



Of course you are.

My IittIe munchy munchkin.



Look, I wasn't going to

teII you this tiII Iater.



- But remember the surprise?

- No.



- The coIour cards?

- Yes.



After our honeymoon,

we'II have a home to come home to.



In Stanford.



FuII professor,

Department of AppIied PsychoIogy.



It comes with its own

IittIe munchkin nest,



and you've aIready picked out the coIour.



AIgae. This is a coIour?



- And room for the chiIdren.

- ChiIdren?



James says three years apart

is best for their mentaI deveIopment.



- What about your mentaI deveIopment?

- What?



- Your research.

- I don't know.



I wonder if I wouIdn't be a better mother

than a mechanic. Mathematician.



Catherine, when your father

asked me to care for you,



I tried to teII him that the things I know



are not very usefuI in the reaI worId.



That's why I'm so Iucky

that I have James.



We have common goaIs and interests.

He's briIIiant, organised, a pIanner.



I find him very stimuIating,






- But what about Iove, Catherine?

- What?



When does this aII happen,

this wonderfuI, organised Iife?



In September.

They say Stanford is beautifuI in the faII.



This is the happiest day of my entire Iife.



Don't worry, Liebchen. It wiII work out.



Versprichst du´s mir?



lch versprech´s dir.

I promise.



I'm crazy about this song.



Get him! What are you,

PodoIsky, a hep-cat?



No, I'm an American.



- What is it, Mr Hep-Cat American?

- I know, it's...



Look out!



Learn to drive! PeopIe shouId pass a test

before they're aIIowed to drive.



You have to pass the test.

How eIse couId you get a Iicence?



- A Iicence.

- It's ''Tutti frutti, oh rootie''.



- Quiet!

- What is wrong with you, AIbert?



Catherine... She shouId

be having more fun.



She needs a young man.

She shouId go out, go dancing.



- A IittIe shtupping...

- Come on, Nathan, pIease!



She thinks shtupping

is a town in Bavaria.



Where are you taking us, AIbert?



WeII, boys, how wouId you

Iike to have a convertibIe?



- Edward!

- Edward!



Oh, beautifuI!






- It's very nice uphoIstery.

- You're AIbert Einstein!



- E=mc !

- I hope so!



- This comes from the factory Iike this?

- No, no, it's aII custom.



I can't beIieve it, in my garage!



This is Professor Einstein,

the smartest person in the worId.



How they hangin'?



- Edward!

- Hey, Doc.



Edward, there it is. What do you think?



- It is possibIe?

- Anything's possibIe.



- He wants to turn that into this.

- ConvertibIe.



No probIem. You want the fuII treatment?



Ja, the whoIe baII of wax.

PodoIsky, stop that!



OK, so we chop the top,

we modify the nose and deck.



- FiII in bIock.

- French tuck and roII inside.



- Dago the front?

- Just a touch.



Quad barreIs for the miII. Master kit.



Hot coiI. Stinger exhaust.

High-nickeI chrome.



- Sound good?

- Like Mozart.



I recaII here is an ice-cream parIour.

Come, we get a scoop.



- Doc, it's this way. It's aII right?

- Yeah, go!



- Thank you very much.

- Sure.



When I first arrived here in      



I bought one of these, tripIe scoop.



- What fIavour?

- Peppermint.



You see, this is a good question.



''What fIavour?''

SimpIe, specific and it has an answer.



You read a Iot of science fiction.



TeII me, do you think

they'II ever find inteIIigent Iife



anywhere in the universe?



StiII Iooking for inteIIigent Iife

here on earth.



Catherine is a briIIiant mathematician,

but she Iacks confidence.



She thinks her contribution to the worId

wiII be through her chiIdren.



She has this crazy idea

that if she marries an inteIIectuaI,



she wiII have genius chiIdren,

or something Iike that.



- Catherine's too smart for that.

- She's too smart here.



But not here. What she needs

is to go out with someone Iike you.



The probIem is, she wouId never

go out with someone Iike you.



That's easy. Just Iend me your brain

for a coupIe of days.



- What?

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?



What wouId be the odds

of that happening?



- It's stiII not right.

- He doesn't Iook Iike a scientist.



- So, what's the pIan, Doc?

- Here, try this.



The pIan is we taIk science,



we have something to eat,

we drink some schnapps



and taIk about Iife.



- It's too fashionabIe.

- Ja, here.



- Take the Ieather coat.

- Wait.



Nathan, your cardigan.



What do I do if she asks me a question?



If she asks you a question,

you pretend to smoke a pipe.



And then you say, ''Interesting concept.''



- Don't worry.

- We'II change the subject.



- Change the subject?

- You know, Iike in footbaII.



We'II run in defence.



And now... This is a tie.

This wiII hoId up your pants.



- Good, huh?

- Ja, good.



He Iooks Iike a French Impressionist.



The energy of a nuclear configuration

is given by the expectation value



of the nuclear Hamiltonian in a state

with N neutrons and P protons...



Fusion will occur if the energy

of the fused state is lower



than the energy

of the two separate nuclei.



Our task is to see if the dynamics

dictated by the interaction Hamiltonian



generates a reaction to make cold

fusion-powered engines feasible.



- Good.

- HeIIo.



- HeIIo.

- HeIIo, Liebchen.



So, we have here, E over C squared...



It's E squared. Minus E squared over B,

minus V of X.



- D of X, or V of X?

- V as in very.



- What's going on?

- Edward has been hoIding out on us.



In addition to being

a very fine automotive mechanic,



he is aIso, in physics,

something of a wunderkind.



- Wunderkind.

- Wunderkind!



I had this idea. I read about the doc.

We worked on it together...



- And everybody thought it wasn't so bad.

- Wasn't so bad!



- It was astonishing!

- Very innovative.



Do I get to hear what it is?



I figured out how to buiId

a nucIear-powered spacecraft engine.



- A fusion engine.

- A what?



We're gonna bottIe

the process that fueIs the stars.



CoId fusion, it's mind-boggIing.



- He's a mechanic.

- I was a cIerk, in a patent office.



Faraday was a carpenter. Isaac Newton

was an insurance saIesman.



- Fusion.

- Fusion.



ReaIIy? What are you wearing?



What difference does it make

what he is wearing?



A nucIear-powered spacecraft.



- That's perfect for New Jersey.

- New Jersey?



The symposium. Do you have a paper?



- Paper?

- No, no... Not ready.



- We must check the speIIing.

- Very important.



- We couId have it ready.

- You couId?



- Sure... CouIdn't we?

- Ja, we couId.



- When is the symposium?

- ApriI   st.



- Five days.

- That's not a probIem.



This is great! Bamberger wiII be thriIIed.



I am very gratefuI. It's just so...



...huge, reaIIy.



Isaac Newton was not

an insurance saIesman.






Boys, our IittIe experiment

has just jumped to a higher energy IeveI.



Minus Y to X pIus one...



Over X.



Minus Y to the X pIus Y...

Minus Y to the X...



- What Ianguage is that, Martian?

- Wait...



- You're not changing anything?

- No.



- What's aII that?

- Nothin'.



Right. Grab your scaIpeI. Let's operate.



I don't beIieve it! Einstein's car!



We do this right, Eddie-boy,

we'II have a whoIe new cIienteIe!



WeIcome to the First InternationaI

Physics Symposium



designed to bring together

the very best minds...



It's time, Edward.



This is the largest gathering

of the scientific...



- I can't do this.

- Why? Because you're sick with fear?



Ninety-nine per cent of the worId

wakes up Iike this every morning.



Every morning!



Edward, just remember

why you are doing this.



- She's not here.

- He's never shown normaI inteIIigence.



- Think of that, nucIear fusion!

- These things happen.



Idiot savants,

a mentaI patient pIays chess,



a nine-year-oId from AIabama

spouts iambic pentameters...



It's packed!



To open our programme,

here with his paper entitIed,



''CoId Fusion-Powered

ExpIoration Paradigms'',



is our very own Edward WaIters.



Edward WaIters.



Doctor WaIters...



- Are you aII right, Doctor WaIters?

- Ed.









No, no, it´s P squared over N,

not N squared over P...



They forgot to transpose the Q value!



...she marries a genius,

she´ll have genius children.



- Do something, Nathan.

- I am, but it's not heIpfuI, or pIeasant.



- A nuclear-powered spacecraft!

- Time, Edward...



Distinguished coIIeagues,



honoured guests...



Edward, just remember

why you are doing this.



Any journey in Iife,



if not done for human reasons

with understanding and Iove...



This is not the paper we wrote.



- Shhh! Listen!

- ...wouId be empty and IoneIy.



And Iook!



It's something worth remembering,

as nucIear-powered spacecraft may soon



make the ancient dream of traveIIing

to the edge of the universe and back



a reaIity.



The source of that power



is the very source

that fueIs the stars themseIves



and in doing so fueIs

our imagination and our dreams.



Let us suppose



that V of X is a standard

barrier penetration potentiaI...



...and that psi

is a nucIeon wave function.



Then as usuaI, minus IH bar D psi...



...DT equaIs minus D squared...



...psi DX squared pIus V of X.






What a circus! The scientific

nonsense was mind-numbing.



What was that mush about the heart?



You don't understand,

you're not a physicist.



WeII, neither was he untiI recentIy.

Did you see the grease under his naiIs?






- To genius.

- To fusion.



To the heart.



So you never went to coIIege?



I bareIy finished schooI,

I was aIways taking cars apart.



Yet you have

an amazing grasp of theory.



I beIieve you used de BrogIie's formuIa

for the piIot wave.



Of course, it was briIIiant.



CouIdn't have done without it.



I forgot that.

CouId you remind me?



Yeah, sure...



X equaIs...



...one pIus...






X equaIs one pIus W...









...over pi.



Right... Can you invert that?



Where is he?

Where is that beautifuI boy?



- Rocket ships. Zoom!

- Zoom!



- Home run, Catherine!

- Thank you, sir.



Ed WaIters, I present Louis Bamberger.



If you had a nickeI

for every nickeI he has,



you wouId have a Iot of nickeIs.



An honour and a pIeasure, sir.



New Jersey, Ieader in intergaIactic

rocket expIoration.



- How's that sound for a Iicence pIate?

- Long.



Sense of humour! I Iove this boy.



May I steaI my niece

for one minute, pIease?



- We were just about to Ieave.

- Just one minute. I need some air.



James! How's the rat business?



WeII, it's reaIIy students

I'm experimenting on now.



My God, the mazes must be enormous!



Green, bIack, red... Look at that!



It's Iike having four pens in one.

What an exciting time to be aIive!



Louis! We need to have a taIk.



This is going to be something

I understand, isn't it?



Yes, but you see...



That's better... Look, Catherine...



Look at the stars, Iook at the sky,

Iook at... Edward!



We were just taIking about the stars.



WeII, enough breathing...



What a night!

I haven't seen a sky Iike this



since I was a kid, at Stargazer's FieId.



How many stars

do you think are up there?



- Ten to the tweIfth, pIus one.

- You don't have to say that.



No, reaIIy. Everybody is quite impressed.



Know why a comet's taiI

points away from the sun?



- Yes.

- Me too.



My grandma used to teII me that stars



are where a woodpecker

pecked hoIes in the sky.



- She wasn't very scientific.

- My father didn't reaIIy see stars.



He said he saw

''great seas of fire and nucIear furnaces''.



He said it was Iike a very vioIent baIIet,

too smaII for anyone to see.



- What is keeping James?

- I don't know.



- He discovered a comet.

- James?



No, my father. They named it after him.



Boyd's Comet.

My God, that's you. That's your father.



- I was just reading about that.

- You've read his works?



- Some of them. There are so many.

- Three.



Three? ReaIIy? There seemed Iike more.



They're aII so action-packed.



Action-packed? What is he saying?



- He's coming back.

- James?



No, my father.



Before he died, he promised that when

the comet came back he'd be riding on it.






Right there.



I think it's there. Just beIow Cassiopeia.



You're right.



He said he'd be Iooking down

to make sure I was OK.



- So how are you? Are you OK?

- Catherine? Catherine!



The Rat Man cometh!



- Wait...

- Catherine!



Oh, my God! Somebody caII a doctor!



AIbert, say something!



Just had too many Knödlisch for Iunch.

I need my piIIs.



- Catherine, you know where they are.

- At home.



Edward, you drive me.



AII right, you drive him home.



I'II coIIect your things, Catherine,

and see you at the Café Descartes Iater.






- Lie down.

- AIbert, you want us to come with you?



- Watch out, we're going.

- Goodbye, pIease.



Wait a minute. How do we get home?



Good question.



It's a IoveIy night. We'II waIk.



Look, I've found my piIIs.



Now, maybe we can

catch some of this in a gIass.



- We shouId get you out of this.

- Good idea.



Over there. That café, Edward.



A very bad AIbert Einstein joke?



- His first wife divorced him.

- I Iive too much here, not enough here.



- You have chiIdren?

- Two boys.



Hans AIbert. His mother named him

whiIe I was out of town.



- And Edward.

- Yes?



No, Edward was the name

of the other boy.



You must have Iived here at Ieast twice.






How did you first think of atomic fueI?



WeII, it just sorta hit me.



- Boom.

- Boom!



Was it a KoestIer boom or an accident?



KoestIer says accidentaI discoveries

aren't accidents.



PeopIe have moments

of insight and intuition



that they're prepared for by experience

to recognise them for what they are.



- BabbIing.

- BabbIing?



You're not babbIing.



If I had a mind Iike yours,

I wouIdn't stop taIking.



I think it's Ietting up.



- I think she wants to Ieave.

- She doesn't know what she wants.



- StiII raining.

- StiII raining.



I think your uncIe wants us to dance.



Don't be irreIevant, Ed.

You can't get from there to here.



Why not?



Don't teII me that a famous

and briIIiant scientist Iike yourseIf



doesn't know about Zeno's Paradox?



- Remind me.

- You can't get here,



because you have to cover

haIf the remaining distance.



I have to cover haIf of it.



But I stiII have haIf of that remaining,

so I cover haIf that, and...



There's stiII haIf of that Ieft,

so I cover haIf of that,



and haIf of that, and haIf of that,



and since there are infinite haIves Ieft,



I can't ever get there.



So how did that happen?



I don't know. It's not possibIe.



- James!

- No, Ed.



James, I was supposed to meet him.



Go, go, go!



- There we go again.

- We did it!



So we have particIe C, Catherine,



in orbit around particIe J, James.



Now arrives particIe E, Edward,



foIIows C, becomes a new entity,



C pIus E,



which causes J to disintegrate.



''Edward WaIters, a IocaI garage

mechanic and amateur physicist,



''dropped a bombsheII

on the InternationaI Physics Symposium



''with the announcement

of a formuIa that makes



''interpIanetary traveI

by nucuIar rocket a reaI possibiIity.''



- NucIear.

- I said nucuIar, professor.



- NucIear.

- Good picture.



This must be the dumbest thing

anybody did to impress a dame.



EspeciaIIy one

that expects you to taIk to her.



Shut up, Frankie. Eddie...



You hardIy finished high schooI.

How do you expect to get away with this?



- I know a Iot about science.

- Excuse me. Ed WaIters?



- Who are you?

- BiII RiIey, Times.



- Hi, Bob Rosetti. I own the pIace.

- Hey, Mr Rosetti.



Were you surprised to find out

you had a briIIiant empIoyee?



Why do you think I hired him?

He's a genius.



A Iot of foIks are wondering

how an ordinary guy Iike yourseIf



couId come up with

such advanced ideas.



- I can teII you. Edward, congratuIations!

- Thank you.



You see, we're onIy just

beginning to understand



the true nature of inteIIigence.



- And you are?

- James MorIand.



SiIas Paine Institute,

experimentaI psychoIogy.



We're Iearning that genius, the abiIity

to make intuitive breakthroughs,



can fIower aImost anywhere.

Isn't that so, Edward?



- You're the expert.

- Yes, I am. And that's why I'm here.



Apart from to get my car,

which I trust is ready by now.



- We'd Iike to study you.

- Study me?



Your brain, your thinking processes.



A chance to increase

our understanding of knowIedge.



What do you say? Can we count on you?

One coIIeague to another?



You may recognise this variation

on the cIassic P, C and D examination.



Mr WaIters wiII have     minutes.



He wiII find the first probIem

inside this box. Ready, Ed?



- ActuaIIy...

- Start the cIock.






This went... Quite impressive.



- Now we move on to Phase Two.

- Phase Two?



We've tested the subject's motor abiIity,



and now his generaI knowIedge,

which I'm quite curious about.



So I have devised a series

of muItipIe choice questions,    in aII,



on reIativity, Newtonian physics, physicaI

chemistry and quantum mechanics.



The subject has     minutes

to compIete the series.



Lights, pIease.

WouId you Iike to sit down?



And projector.



Start the cIock.



Excuse me.



Excuse, pIease.



I'm done. Is that it?



ln an lQ test today,

mechanic Ed Walters scored     



placing him in the top  .     %...



- Did he pass?

- That's our Eddie! Mention the garage!



Come on, Bob and AI's...



President Eisenhower

scoffed at the Soviet claims



to have leapt ahead in the space race.



He dismissed the Red rumours,

saying the first man in space



will eat hot dogs, not borscht.



And the name of the man

to put us there...



- Sweet!

- I was wrong about him.



He's not an idiot savant at aII.

He's the reaI thing.



He's an idiot idiot.



...the boy grease-pit genius.

Like his mentor, Albert Einstein,



Ed dreamed of solving the mysteries...



If you got the stars out of your eyes,

you'd see for yourseIf.



Before long, we´ll all be going

to the moon on nuclear rocket engines...



...and save on our fuel bills

into the bargain.



Have you actuaIIy read

this earth-shattering paper of his?



- No.

- ReaIIy?



I thought you'd be dying to read it,

as a mathematician.



Mathematicians and physicists

everywhere are examining this theory...



It's me!



...the mathematical brilliance

of this simple mechanic,



who believes, in the land of the free

and the home of the brave,



nothing is impossible.



- Do the horn again, Edward.

- Ja, ja!



AIbert, we have our convertibIe!



This is Iike saiIing without the wetness.



WonderfuI thing you have made here.

Why aren't you smiIing?



- I gotta teII Catherine the truth.

- No, it's too soon.



She's faIIing in Iove

with the wrong guy, Doc.



Ja, but it's Iove. Edward, it's Iove.



- Catherine.

- No, thank you.



- Ed!

- Hi.



I was gonna ask you why

you use that operator there?



I often ask myseIf the same question.



It's just a stroke of briIIiance.



I'm just so cIose to figuring it out.



- TroubIe ahead.

- Maybe. Maybe not.



- If she finds the fIaw in our theory?

- We undermine her confidence.



- We shouIdn't do that.

- How?



We'II be obscure and obtuse.



Are you taking something for granted?

What if you question everything?



Look at it from a different perspective.

Question everything.



UncIe AIbert, couId this be right?



What? I know that Iook. What did I do?



I never saw it this way.



I don't know what I was thinking.



Excuse me.



What did you say to her?



- Why Iet them scare you off?

- They're the greatest minds in the worId.



- Who says they have aII the answers?

- Who says what?



Who says you're not

one of the greatest minds?



I'm not Iike you. You're a naturaI.

You're just Iike one of them.



- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.



- BeIieve me, I'm not.

- OK. You're younger.



The point is, you're not just some

dumb mechanic, you're a genius.



- And I'm... I don't know what I am.

- What? A housewife?



- AImost.

- I think you're more than that.



''Lady, the onIy thing

you're afraid of is yourseIf.''



- Can I ask you something?

- What?



What... Why do you do that?



- What?

- Brando.



I'm just trying to make you smiIe.



WeII, thanks. Bye.



It's for the best. We squeeze the brain

a IittIe to make room for the heart.



Maybe accidents

are part of the grand design.



If you cause the accident,

then it is not an accident.



The troubIe with accidents is

you can't predict the outcome.



So maybe Catherine

wiII faII in Iove with one of us.



You're such a dreamer, Liebknecht.



- I'm sorry, were you sIeeping?

- Catherine... No, I was just in repose.



- Where were you?

- Thinking.



- I was worried about you.

- That I was thinking? Me too!



No, I was worried

that you were angry with me.



This is the one thing

I wouId not be abIe to bear.



PIease forgive a fooIish oId man.



Oh, no, you weren't being...

WeII, maybe a IittIe.



It was me. He'II teII me what to think.



- Who?

- My notebook! I thought I'd Iost this.



Catherine, who?



My dad. The comet, Friday.

Ten thirty-five.



Liebchen, I know we make fun

of your James.



We caII him the Rat Man,

and the Rodent King.



The Lesser Professor,

the ExcrementaI PsychoIogist.



- Monkey Lips.

- Chimp Pimp.



This aII stops now.



But I wish for you,

you go out and have a good Iife.



You mean that?



- I just spoke with him.

- Who?



With the Rat... With James.



Tomorrow, we aII go together

and we have an excursion.



HeIIo? Someone Iost?



- We heard screaming.

- Screaming?



Professor Einstein

said you'd be together.



Not here. We're going saiIing.



Oh, saiIing! Of course!

We were mistaken.



We never go saiIing.



He says the fish don't want to eat

what we have just eaten.



- I'II check on him.

- He's fine!



Don't touch anything!



This is what we miss in physics,




If anybody screams, it's usuaIIy me.



PIease, don't touch anything.



- You Iet the rats run around Iike that?

- What?



Very democratic of you!



Eighteen months

of experimentaI research!



AII the monkeys!



We see you are very busy.

We'II come back another time.



HaIIeIujah! HaIIeIujah!



- These psychoIogists, so crazy!

- Go!



I don't understand, he's aIways

    minutes earIy for everything.



- Any Ionger, we Iose the wind.

- That's it, we're set.



I'm very disappointed.



I was Iooking forward

to getting to know him better.



WeII, maybe next time.



It's pretty.



- Sorry. Are you OK?

- UncIe AIbert!



Cut it out!



- There's something I have to say.

- No, Iisten...



I know that UncIe AIbert and everybody

wants us to, you know...



- There's something eIse.

- Let me...



It's just that...

WeII, Iove between two peopIe...



- Sorry... UncIe AIbert!

- I'm steering the boat!



Love... No...



PeopIe who share common goaIs

and interests...



- Did you ever hear of the coIour aIgae?

- No.



The point is, Ed, you can't choose

who you're gonna Iove.



- I know that.

- You know, it just happens.



I think you're a decent person

and I respect you.



- I respect you, too.

- I know how you feeI about me.



It's just that you can't expect

somebody you've just met,



somebody who hardIy knows you,

to suddenIy say...



- I Iove you.

- I understand, that's OK.



No, I Iove you.



I do. I do. I said it!



- You Iove me?

- Yes, I Iove you!



- UncIe AIbert, pIease cut that out!

- Just stop.



I can do it myseIf now.






- Did you feeI that?

- Ja!



Somewhere, an atom coIIided

with an atom, that coIIided with an atom,



and so on, untiI it coIIided with us!



To atoms, those sexy IittIe cuties!



I suppose you think you're in Iove

with this mechanic?



Yes, Ed, I'm in Iove with him!



Look, Iet me expIain.



It's an infatuation. It's not Iove.



He's pIeasant-Iooking, popuIar,



UncIe AIbert Iikes him,

so naturaIIy you feeI attracted, but...



It won't Iast.



What we have wiII Iast.

Common aims and interests,



verbaI communications,

financiaI security,



inteIIectuaI compatibiIity.



What about Iove?



Sounds Iike a hundred-doIIar brake job.




Busted tappets. Ed?



What do you think?



She Ioves me.



I thought that was the idea.

You haven't toId her?



- I've been trying.

- TeII 'em nothing!



It's not hard. You caII her up and say,

''HeIIo, I'm a Iying grease-monkey.''



Leave me aIone, wiII you?

It's gonna be aII right.



She Ioves me.



WiII it work?



WiII it work? I don't know.



- I've seen this before.

- It's been in aII the papers.



- Ed WaIters, coId fusion.

- No, I mean years ago, somewhere...



First I want to say, I Iie you...



...I Iove you... I'm a Iiar.



There's been some things

I haven't been compIeteIy honest about,



and I wouId Iike the...



Just a minute, Catherine!



- Edward WaIters?

- Yes.



Quiet. Speak when you're spoken to,

keep the answers short.



Edward, I want you to meet

the President of the United States.



Ike... You're...



- You're President Eisenhower!

- At Ieast untiI the next eIection.



Some speciaI occasion?



I'm expecting someone.



- A friend, Catherine.

- Catherine Boyd?



- AIbert Einstein's niece.

- I have to teII her something.



WeII, about this engine.

When can we see a working prototype?






The Russians say

they'II have one this year.



The President wants to announce

we're buiIding a prototype here.



- We have a press conference tonight.

- Seven.



- We'd Iike to have something by...

- Seven?



- And Eisenhower teIIs the good news!

- There's good news?



- About the prototype.

- Does Edward know this?



Sure, it was practicaIIy his idea.

Come on, they're waiting for us.



Oh, my God!



Excuse me. Catherine Boyd?



I met your friend Edward.

You must be very proud.



I have very strong feeIings about him.



- We shouId Ieave the country.

- Don't panic.



When, then?

When they shoot us for treason?



- They don't shoot you for treason.

- It's eIectrocution.



Ed! It's Ed!



- Where's Catherine?

- With Eisenhower.



Back! Stay back, sir!



Catherine! Stop!



- Isn't that...?

- WaIters!



- Ed!

- Catherine!



- Stop!

- CongratuIations, young Iady.



I feIt the same

when I proposed to Mamie.



- Mr President, I think...

- It's OK, stop the car.



- Is that Ed WaIters?

- Some kind of probIem?



- Catherine...

- Don't taIk to me, you Iiar, you fake...



- You found out.

- How couId you think I was that stupid?



- You're not stupid. How d'you find out?

- I figured it out.



- I put two and two together...

- The formuIa? That's fantastic!



- Stop it, you fake! Just kiss me!

- What?



- Be right there, Ike.

- Take your time.



The President thinks you're proposing,

so kiss me. We're in a Iot of troubIe.



- I think it was worth it.

- Looks Iike a ''yes'' to me.



- You...mechanic!

- That's aII I am to you, a mechanic.



Your name's reaIIy Ed?

You work in a garage?



The garage where you feII in Iove

with me, remember? That's true.



- That hurts!

- One second!



For God's sake!



- You know what?

- What?



You had to know. You're not dumb.



- Yes, I am!

- You wanted to go aIong with it.



I think you needed to.

You shouId be thanking me.



- Thanking you?!

- Jesus!



Be right there, Ike!



You bit me!



Sorry, Ed. Sorry about that.



Listen, you're right.

I've Iearned quite a bit from you.



I have a great brain,

and I shouId trust that.



And it's not about what you do,

it's about who you are.



I've Iearned that from you, so thank you.



- Fake!

- AIbert, what's going on?



Catherine has just found out

that Edward is not reaIIy a scientist.



He is simpIy an automobiIe mechanic.



What does a mechanic know

about coId fusion?



- Nothing. It's aII a big Iie.

- ApriI FooI's.



- We meant no harm.

- Just fooIish oId men.



I was right about the coId fusion,

wasn't I?



Do you reaIise you proved concIusiveIy

that my approach is impossibIe?



I knew that, but you said...



I meant that I couId not prove it

or disprove it, so I couId not pubIish it.



- I did something you couIdn't do?

- It's mathematics.



- I was aIways terribIe at mathematics.

- Professor.



Ed WaIters' atomic fueI theory.



An unpubIished paper of AIbert

Einstein's, written    years ago.



GentIemen, they are identicaI.



In every respect, identicaI.



- You accuse Ed WaIters of pIagiarism?

- HardIy.



I am accusing Ed WaIters, and Professor

Einstein, and his coIIeagues...






...of outright fraud.

CoId fusion is nothing more than a hoax.



Mr President!



If you wiII pIease bear with us,

Professor Einstein has a statement.



Thank you, Mr President.



Ladies and gentIemen,

Dr James MorIand is correct.



CoId fusion is a hoax.



A hoax so briIIiant, so daring, so secret,



that not more than five peopIe

on pIanet Earth know about it.



We caIIed it Operation Red Cabbage.



Now we can reveaI, through the efforts

of Miss Boyd and Mr WaIters,



two of the finest minds

it has ever been my priviIege to know,



we have proven the Russian cIaim

to have Ieapt ahead in the space race



with coId fusion is nothing but hot air.



PersonaIIy, I think any race

of this nature, arms or space,



is compIete fooIishness.



Thank you very much.



A master stroke,

a triumph for the Institute.



Catherine, darIing!

I said what I said in good faith.



- AIbert!

- That's not going to work this time.



Perhaps not.

UnfortunateIy, this is the reaI thing.



PIease, I go to the hospitaI.



Boys, pIease. It's just a IittIe fIutter.



PIease, go out. See the comet.



Go get some girIs.



- WiII we get one for you?

- Ja, a redhead.



Stay, Edward.

Goodbye, boys, thanks for coming.



See you aII shortIy... Up there.



It wiII be OK, in no time.



- I thought you said time doesn't exist.

- I said anytime...



I aIways imagined heaven

to be one enormous Iibrary,



onIy you can't take out the books.



- I need something from my trousers.

- I'II get it.



It's in the Ieft-hand pocket. The Ieft hand.



- No, the other Ieft hand.

- What am I Iooking for?



That's it, you've found it.



Bring it here, pIease.



My compass.



My memory is...



...of my father,



when I was five years oId.



I think I was sick in bed then, too.

He gave me this compass.



When I first heId it in my hand,

I was wonderstruck



by what force, invisibIe and unfeIt,



couId be hoIding the needIe.



Here, Edward, you take this.



So that you never Iose your way,

and you keep your sense of wonder.



You both have good hearts.



Don't Iet your brain

interfere with your heart.



- I'd Iove to taIk, Ed.

- I never meant this to get so crazy.



If I've hurt you in any way, I'm very sorry.



For one brief moment there,

I was taken seriousIy by some pretty...



...extraordinary peopIe.



That's never happened to me before.

It feIt great.



I just hope, at some point,



that you can truIy beIieve

how extraordinary you are.



I'II miss you.



You mean if we hadn't interfered,

they wouId have ended up together?



Everything affects everything.



- I beIieve everything wiII be fine.

- Why?



I'd rather be an optimist and a fooI

than a pessimist and right.



We're aII fooIs.

We shouId've taken the eIevator.



Boys, pIease!

You're going to wake up the nurses.



- Twenty-three degrees.

- No, twenty-four...



- Twenty-two degrees down...

- Twenty-three degrees...



- PIease, just do it!

- Why?



A dying man's wish.



In time, but since time doesn't exist...



What do you see?



- I see the road to the observatory.

- And?



- And Catherine.

- And?



She is going towards Stargazer's FieId.



Wait a minute!

That's where Edward went.



Boy, oh boy! If ever there

was a time for an accident.



Sometimes, accidents need a IittIe heIp.



God does not pIay dice with the universe,

but I wiII.



- What kind of a thing is this?

- What is that?



This is a transmitter. Watch.






Oh, great!



- Push it down.

- Push it down...



- I'm going to Iook at it.

- PIease!



- Enough! I want her back in one piece!

- What's happening?



Her motor has died.

She's turning into Stargazer's FieId.



- I want to see.

- No, no!



Let me see!



It just happened, just boom!






Do you beIieve in accidents?






This is so right.

This is the way I wanted to see it.



Have you ever heard

of the Seven Sacred PooIs?



In Hawaii?



- Are you aII right, AIbert?

- Ja, this is very good for my heart.



Oh, my God! Look!






Hi, Daddy! I missed you!



This is Ed, the man I Iove.



- Out of this worId!

- Look, AIbert.



What's happening?







Special help by SergeiK