Ishtar Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ishtar script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ishtar. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Ishtar Script







Telling the truth can be bad news




Telling the truth can be bad news



Telling the truth--



Telling the truth can be good news




Telling the truth is a bad idea



MAN   SlNGS: Telling the truth

is a difficult problem



MAN   SlNGS: Telling the truth--

Telling the truth is a scary...



Telling the truth

is a scary predicament




Telling the truth is a bitter herb




Telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel




When you get out of that tunnel



MAN   SlNGS: You've got bitter herbs

MAN   SlNGS: It's a black life ahead



MAN   : Forget '' herb.'' l never heard

a hit that had the word '' herb'' in it.



MAN  :

Telling the truth is a dangerous...






Telling the truth can be dangerous

'' Dangerous'' what?



Telling the truth

can be danger--



Telling the truth can be dangerous




Telling the truth

can be dangerous business












Telling the truth

Can be dangerous business



Because if yourself

You don't know why






Well, l'm just giving you

what the idea is.






Oh, is that brilliant!






MAN  : Look at that,

Simon & Garfunk el's Greatest Hits.



MAN   : Lyle, '' Dangerous Business'' is

as good as anything they ever wrote.



You think so?




The only thing

that Simon & Garfunkel

or Bruce Springsteen



or any of these guys have

that we don't have is an agent.



You think so?



'' Dangerous Business'' is as good

as '' Bridge Over Troubled Water''

any day of the week.



You think so?



l'm telling you, if we get an agent,

we get a record album.






Freed Talent Agency.

MAN: Mr. Freed,



uh, this is Chuck Clark e

of Rogers & Clark e.






We're songwriters

and we're looking for an agent.






And we saw your ad in Variety.

We're gonna be at Song Mart

next Tuesday.



And we've got a new song we think

is good enough for a record album.




And we wondered



if you'd have a chance to come down--

The Record Album?



No, no, no, no.

At The Record Album?



It's not called The Record Album.

It's called The Song Mart, sir.



It's basically a try-out place

for new material.












ANNOUNCER: Okay, okay, okay,

that wraps up another audition night

at The Song Mart.



A great bunch tonight.

Good luck, kids.



Well, uh, what did you think,

Mr. Freed?



As an agent?




Let me tell you

what l told Tony Bennett.



Sing songs people already know.

That way, if they don't like it, they'll

still have something to applaud.



But we're not singers.

No, we're songwriters.



So? The Beach Boys

weren't songwriters?



Anthony Newley

isn't a songwriter?



l mean, if you wanna sell songs

today, you gotta have an act

with jokes, patter, segues.



Otherwise, frankly...



you're old, you're white

and you got no shtick.



You got no gimmicks.



ANNOUNCER: Auditioning tonight

at The Ad Lib for the first time,

please welcome Rogers & Clark e.






l don't understand

what we did wrong.



Nothing, although l think

it'd be a good idea to change

your routine if they boo.



Otherwise, l'm very encouraged.



We don't have another routine

to change to.



The thing is, Marty, we've been

living off our savings while

we've been working on our act.



But we're down to nothing now.




l got good news for you.




l think l can get you a booking.



For money?








The hotel where the American

journalists stay in Honduras.



Taxi! The last act left

because they got nervous

about the death squads.



But there's no danger

if you don't drive

in the countryside.



How much?

Hundred and fifty lempiras a week.



That's $    in American money.

That includes room and board.



That's only $  .   a week

for each of us.



Hey, that's right.



You got a good head

for figures.



But, Marty--




Wait a minute, Marty.



l also can get you     weeks

in Morocco at     dirham a week.



That's $   in American money.



Unfortunately, l can only get

you airfare from the Canary lslands.






l'll call you about it in the morning.



Me too.



Want me to drive you anywhere?



No, thanks. l'm gonna

walk around for a while.



l want to do some thinking.

Me too.



Well, don't think too long.



A lot of acts would kill

for a booking in North Africa.



Lyle, do you mind?

l kind of wanna be alone to think.










ls it all right?



lt's the only bar

in the neighbourhood

that's open.



Just pretend like l'm not here.






What can l get you?



Give me a bourbon

and a water, straight up.



Make that two.

Don't drink bourbon.



You'll fall flat on your face.



Give him a beer.



l'll have a beer.










You guys know each other?



Yeah, we, uh...

We got a-- Or...



We had an act together.

No kidding? Would l have seen it?



No. We've only known

each other about five months.



Before that, we were just guys...



with, uh, jobs.



And we wanted to be songwriters.









CHlLD   : Hey, ice-cream truck! Stop!

CHlLD  : Over here!



CHlLD  :

Stop being so stupid! Stop!









What's the matter, honey?









l feel like this is a very special part

of the evening.



A couple of years ago,

there was a very young

grey-haired couple here



celebrating their    st

wedding anniversary.

And last year, they came back--







for their   nd wedding anniversary.



And l told them that if they came

back here the following year,



l'd have a song written for them.

And they're back.



Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos



celebrating this evening

their   rd wedding anniversary.



MAN: Hear, hear!

WOMAN: How wonderful!




I promised I'd love you forever



A promise I'm planning to k eep



You'll be well tak en care of

After I've gone



Off to the land of the big sleep



I'm leaving some love in my will



Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will



My life is nearly over

And time goes by so fast



And I wanted to give you a present

To thank you for the past







My life is nearly over



l shouldn't have played in here.

And time goes by so fast



Oh, it's so demeaning.



Asshole waiters screaming at me

like that and taking orders,

people throwing food in their faces.



l love you, Chuck.




And l was thinking

that if we lived together, l would

just make your life so much easier.



Life isn't that bad,

l just have a lot of pain.



Do you love me, Chuck?

Look, Carol, you're wonderful.



l mean that.

You're a wonderful woman.



l just have to make sure

that you're Miss Right. Don't you

want to make sure that l'm--



Oh, my God.



This guy says he's a songwriter

and he loved my song.



He says he wants to buy me a drink.



l'll be right back.






I met her and I fell--

No, no. Cut out ''and l.''



Oh, you want this one:



I met her, fell




I loved her well




She walk ed out, hell




Oh, heartbreak

That's it. Do it again.



Maybe something stronger?



I met her, wham!




I met her... Bam!

Let me try. Let me try.






l got it, l got it.






Shit, man, when you're on,

you're on.






And the way l see it, people would

rather suffer with what they have

than try the unknown.



Oh, is that true.






That's because most men lead lives

of quiet desperation.



Oh, is that right!



Girls call me ''The Hawk.''

lt's a long story, gang war,

shit like that.



''The Hawk''?






Can you give us another half-hour?



Half an hour?




Half an hour?




Half an hour like the last half-hour?



We don't get overtime for this.



Here, try this:



Half an hour, half an hour

Lik e the last half-hour






Where are you going? Stay.

CHUCK: We got something.






Lyle. Lyle, listen to me.

She's not worth it.



She didn't understand

your sense of dedication.



l'm sorry, just-- lt comes over me

in waves every few minutes.



l'm sorry.

That's okay. That's all right.



Oh, l don't know what to do now.



l don't know what to do

without Willa.



We've been married

since we were    .



l never even dated anybody

but Willa.



Oh, Willa.



LYLE: We were happy while

l was working in a gas station.



We had a nice little house,

a nice little garden.



l'd come home in the evening

and write songs.



Willa would-- She'd quilt and...



Then the tyre factory opened

and overnight the population

shot up about      .



Lyle, can you stand up a second?

You're sitting on my tie.



So l said to Willa, l said,

'' Look, we gotta go

to New York or Nashville.



because those are

the only two places to be

if you wanna sell songs.''



That's how come

we came to New York.






What a smuck l was.






lt's not ''smuck,'' it's schmuck.










Say ''sh.''




Now say ''muck.''




Now say ''sh'' and ''muck''

together real fast.







You really know the lingo.






This is my friend Lyle Rogers.

And you are?






And this is my friend Siri Darma.



Lyle, why don't you sneak

in here and talk to Siri.



Siri, be careful of this guy.

He's got a lot of quick moves.






Don't look at me that way.

You are so fucking beautiful.



You are so beautiful.

Don't kid me!



You probably had every guy in

the world telling you you're beautiful

ever since the day you were born.



You are so crazy, Hawk.




l wanna kiss every inch of you,

get in a clinch with you.




Break off a pinch of you




You didn't have to leave with me.

Now l spoiled the night for you.



You gotta give yourself a break.

You've never been out

with anyone but your wife.



Yeah, but you gotta have

the looks, Chuck.



l mean, you walk into a place

like that and girls just want you.



You know, you got that kind

of face. Kind of mean-looking,

but with character.



And the way you walk, you can only

do that with a small body.



Did you ever hear of

a big sports car? l mean,

if l looked like you--



Oh, you have so idealised me.



l won't stand for it.

l just can't walk out on him.



He cries every     minutes, Carol.

He's like an orphan.



What are you doing?

l'm leaving you.



What are you talking about?

l don't want to see you again ever.




What do you care?



lf you never see me again,



it'll only be one time less a week

than you see me now.



Oh, Carol.

Your life is a joke.









Willa? Willa?

CHUCK: Hello, Lyle.



l'm outside on the ledge

of my apartment.




I've been fooling you, Lyle,



and I've been fooling myself.



l don't have any talent.

l don't have any money.



l'll never find Miss Right

and Carol left me.



Lyle, I can't mak e anything work.



Everything l told you is fake.

lt's all make-believe.



I'm a total failure.

Don't move, l'll be right over.



Listen, don't call the police.



lf this gets into the newspapers,

the scandal will ruin me

in show business.



You got it!

I mean it.



l won't call the police.




l won't call the police.













Mr. Clarke? Take it easy.



CHUCK: Damn it!

MAN: Take it easy, take it easy.



How you doing, Mr. Clarke?

Come on in, Mr. Clarke.

Make your phone call in here.



Oh, no!



Hey! Get over here!

LYLE: Shoot me!



Don't you think Daddy doesn't

feel blue and l don't feel blue




But l know that

tomorrow is another day.



And the sun will come out











Hold it, pal. Who are you?




Lyle Rogers. l'm his best friend.



MAN: Mr. Rogers, have you

any idea how lucky this boy is?



He didn't want to live

with us in Queens.



Come on, don't turn away

from Mama. Come on.




There's another one! Look!






OFFlCER: Give me your hand.

LYLE: Hold on, Hawk. l'm coming.



Don't come any closer, Lyle.

And don't call me Hawk.



l told you not to tell anyone.



l know, but l was scared

l couldn't get here on time.



Don't be mad at me, Chuck.

Charles, it's Rabbi Pierce.



Oh, my God, Rabbi Pierce is here.

Charles, you remember Rabbi Pierce.



Chuck, l know how bad you feel,

but there's people in this world

worse off than you.



Poor people. Uh, sick people.



People who haven't got anybody

to go out on a ledge for them.






Come on, give me your hand.



Come on, Chuck.



Take a little step here.



Take a step.



Take a couple steppies.

Come on.



A couple little steppies. Attaboy.







All right.







MAN   : Easy!

MAN  : No!







are you disappointed in me?




No, l mean because

l'm not the kind of guy

that you thought l was.



You are the kind of guy

l thought you were.



l'm not, Lyle.



l lived with my parents

till l was   .



l've just dribbled my life away.



Hey, it takes a lot of nerve

to have nothing at your age.



Don't you understand that?



Yeah, most guys would be ashamed,

but you've got the guts to just say,

''The hell with it.''



You say that you'd rather have

nothing than settle for less.




l've never thought of it that way.




Oh, Lyle.










Lyle, what do you say

we get this show on the road?




Morocco. lt's safer.






Professor. Professor Barnes!



BARNES: Are you absolutely certain

that this is a map of lshtar?



l'm positive.



l am proficient in  th-century Kufic.

This map is incredible.



lt speaks of a time of upheaval

when two messengers

will appear in lshtar.



And through them,

the poor and lonely will rise up,



and the mighty will be humbled.



lt's uncanny, isn't it? lt speaks

of two messengers. And now we two

have found it just as it foretold.



Oh, don't be a fool.




We are not two messengers.



We're two archaeologists

who found a map which,

if it is authenticated,



could start a holy war

that would enflame

the entire Middle East.



lshtar is on the brink

of revolution now.







There's someone

outside the tent.






Take it.



Hide it.









l have hidden it, Shirra.

l can't tell you where

over the phone.



I will meet you.
















You will not find it.



Now no one will find it...



except the two messengers

of God.







Hello, Morocco, more than a country



You're even a state of mind

l need a pencil.



WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

all passengers holding tick ets

for Morocco,



please consult your Air Canary agent

inside the terminal.



We are about to begin

the descent into lshtar.






Coming here is gonna

change our lives, you know?



Excuse me, l'm an American.

Just let me ask you one question.



l'll find an Air Canary agent.

You watch the luggage.



Okay, see if you can

get some coffee. Ask how much

it is before you pay for it!



All right.









ANNOUNCER: Attention.

A military curfew is in effect

throughout Ishtar.



All persons on the streets after dark

are subject to search and arrest.



Please help me.



Look, l'm with someone.

She's in the, uh, bathroom.



l beg you. l'm in desperate need.

Oh, look, l'm...



Really, l'm very flattered,

but l'm straight.



l'm not proud of it

and l'm not ashamed of it.



l mean, l respect your way of life,

but, shh-shh-shh, it just isn't mine.



That doesn't mean that mine

is any better or any worse--



Look at what you have.

l am a woman.




l beg you to do me a favour.



You look like a man

who's not afraid of adventure.



Perhaps even welcomes it.

Your life is in danger, right?



Yes. How did you know?

l am a dead woman if l'm recognised.



And l must get to Marrakech today.

You want my passport, right?



Yes. And your jacket.

And the contents of your suitcase

in exchange for mine.



lt means my life.

You see...



the thing is, l gotta be

in Marrakech by Saturday.



Today's Friday.

The American embassy will issue

another passport in a few hours.



l will meet you tonight in Marrakech.



Look, let me just check

this out with someone.



No! Above all, you must tell

no one of this. No one.



Not even your wife.

Oh, l'm not married.



What is your name?

Hawk. lt's short for The Hawk.



A little incident with a gang,

you know, a lucky shot...



The name just stuck.



The Hawk.

lt is a very bold name.

A brave name.



But perhaps this is too much to ask,

even of a man with so brave a name.



ls it?



Does The Hawk fly?
















What'd you do, go shopping?

No, l... Oh, yeah.



No kidding. Nice jacket.

Now, see, l'd look like a truck

in that jacket.







My passport's gone.




But don't get panicky.



l lost my passport. But we'll report it

to the embassy, l'll get another one

right away. lt's no big deal.



ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.

A military curfew is in effect...



Not on Friday and not in lshtar.

You're lucky the planes are flying.



This country's on

the brink of civil war.



No, no! This is it!

Shh. Shh.



This is the end!

Easy. Calm down, Lyle.



We're gonna lose our booking.

We're gonna be cancelled.

We're gonna be fired!



We're gonna be stuck here

in lshtar with no money, no job!



Oh, my God, what have l done?

l don't believe me!



lt was just an accident.



Lyle, you gotta go

to Marrakech without me.



Who, me?




You gotta do a single until l get there.

A what?!



A single.

We were hired as a team.



Yes, but now they don't have anyone.

One of us is better than nothing.



Lyle, you can do it.

Sing Simon & Garfunkel.

You're a big talent.



Please don't make me responsible

for ruining our careers.

l can't handle it.



Lyle, we're almost broke.




All persons on the streets after dark

are subject to search and arrest.







How much is it?

Twenty hundred klimsas.



Twenty hundred?




How can it be    hundred--?

Twenty hundred klimsas!



Okay, that's       right?

l won't have enough.




Sixteen hundred.          --

Welcome, sir!



That's all right.

l'll take my own bag.



Please let me get my own bag!

No problem.



How about the tip?

l don't have it.



Please let me get my own bag! Please,

can l get my own bag, because l--

Oh, God! What have l done?










How are you doing?

l'm Jim Harrison.



l heard there was

another American in the hotel,

l thought l'd buy you dinner.



l'm from New York.

Oh, me too.







Great meeting you. l'm starved.



You see, Jim,

all the big record companies

want to sign us for an album.



But right now, we're just refining

our songs, you know,

so we don't get ripped off



by people like Simon & Garfunkel

and, you know, Springsteen.



So we do it in Morocco.

Then it's ours.



You know, you're the first guy

in show business l've met over here.



Do me a favour. Do me a favour.



Do an autograph for my kid.

Here. Come on.



Oh. Yeah, sure.

Just write ''To Jim.''



l really appreciate it.

Sure. My pleasure.







That's a nice pen.

Keep it.



No, no, no, you...

Keep it. Go ahead.



Keep it, keep it!

You can buy me a drink

when l get to Morocco.



So, uh, what are you doing here, Jim?

l'm with the ClA.



lnteresting work?

lt's okay.



lt's a little rough right now

because the communists

are trying to instigate a coup



against the emir

and take over lshtar.




That's how it works.



Today they get lshtar,

tomorrow they get North Africa.




That's how it works.



Every once in a while,

an American comes over,



and we ask him to keep

his eyes and ears open for us

and we pay him a little something.



You'd be surprised

how many harmless conversations



are really the first step

toward recruiting agents

for left-wing organizations.



A guy comes up to you

and he starts talking about

the poverty, the injustice in lshtar.



And there is poverty

and injustice in lshtar.



Of course.



He could be sincere, he could be

saying exactly what he means,




or he could be feeling you out.



That's right. That's right.




To see if he can dupe you into

becoming an agent for

a so-called '' people's movement.''



So when you say that you pay them

a little something?



$     a week.

lt's not much,



but you can't really put

a price on democracy.







Although $     a week is a start.



And now, from the team

of Rogers & Clarke,






Thank you. Thank you very much.



Thank you, thank you.



l'd like to sing a few songs tonight

from the Simon & Garfunkel




Hey, l'm glad you like them too.



So you just call out your favourite

Simon & Garfunkel songs.



MAN   : '' Fascination.''

MAN  : ''That Old Black Magic.''



''That's Amore.''



''The Yellow Rose of Texas.''

WOMAN   : '' Memories.''



MAN  : ''Y.M.C.A.''

MAN  : ''Stand By Your Man.''



Well, thank you.

Thank you very much. Now, see

if you remember this one.







MAN  :

''As Time Goes By.''



MAN  : ''A Barrel of Money.''

MAN  : This guy keeps on playing.



WOMAN  : What about ''That's Amore''?




WOMAN  : ''That's Amore.''

MAN: Yeah, come on!














Ladies and gentlemen,

Lyle Rogers! Thank you,

l'm Chuck Clarke!



How did you get here?

lt's not Monday.



l met this guy in lshtar

who had pull at the embassy.



Lyle, listen to that hand!

We're a hit!






l am Ahmad bin Ali. l'm the caid

of Assari. lt was l that called out

''The Yellow Rose of Texas.''



Perhaps you would

care to entertain

at my worthless palace.



l just loved you.

Thank you, thank you.



l bet we could have

any woman in this club.



Not me. Women don't like me.



Maybe l'll just go to sleep now,

l don't know.



Yeah, why don't you

get some sleep.



l think l'm gonna drive around

for a while, try to come down

off this high.



Tomorrow night,

we'll sing our songs.












Hold it, buddy!



All right, pal.

What do you think

you're doing?



What is that?

What have you got?



You're the guy

who stole Chuck's passport.



l found it.



And when l asked around,

l was told the owner was staying here.



Oh, what do you think

l am, boy? A fool?



Don't try it, don't try it!

l'll kill you in a fight.



Boy, you're soft, pal.

You are soft.



l'm telling the truth.



You think l'm a big, dumb

hick American, don't you?



Now l'm gonna turn you over

to the police, boy!



They'll put me in jail.

My family will starve.



Eh, don't hand me that crap.

l don't believe a word of it--






Oh, my God.



Get away from me, boy.

Get away. Stay back. Stay back!



l'm warning you.



Now, l didn't hit you hard because

l'm bigger than you are,

but don't try it again.



How old are you,    ?

What, you're voice is still changing.

You're just a kid.



What kind of life is this, breaking

into hotel rooms, robbing people,

kissing guys on the mouth?



Don't you think you ought to

be trying something younger?



Yes, but poverty has made me old.



l don't have a lot of cash,

but why don't you take this.



And buy yourself

something that's fun.



Get yourself a nice kite

or a fishing pole.



Did your daddy ever take you fishing?

My father is dead.



l have no one to protect me.



That's tough for a boy,

not having a father.



Here, get up.

Listen to me.



Your roommate is a ClA agent.

The room may be wired.



He gave me his passport in lshtar.

Are these breasts?



Listen to me.

You have seen lshtar,

you have seen the poverty.



The injustice, the death squads.



These are the things the ClA supports

by keeping Emir Yousef in power.



For God's sake!



Forget my body.



l am begging you to give me

the chance to overthrow a tyrant.









You are kind.



The privation and torture

of thousands can end



if you will return the contents

of my suitcase to me.



Where are they?

ln there.



l gave them to your roommate

when we exchanged jackets.



No, no, no, you got that all wrong.

Chuck bought that jacket.

And he lost his passport.



And he's not a ClA agent,

he's a songwriter.



Yes, then why am l wearing

his jacket? Look at it, it is his jacket.



Where did l get his passport?

How did he get to Morocco

in only    hours?



Why is he accepting money

from the ClA?



Boy, you got a lot of tricks,

don't you?



First you're a guy and

you got Chuck's passport.



Then you're a girl

and you got his jacket.






That is a warning. l beg you,

say nothing of this visit.



lt means my life.



lf you decide l'm telling the truth,

go to the camel market

in Shali Benimal.



Shali Benimal.



And find Mohamad




and tell him that

you wish to buy a blind camel.



A blind camel.

He will contact me.



Contact you?



The dome of the emir's palace

in lshtar is gold.



The people have never seen

a refrigerator.









Shali Benimal. Ask for Mohamad.

Tell him l wanna buy a blind camel.



A blind camel.



Good evening, sir.






l'm sorry. l turned left

on Mucckamal Haifa Boulevard.



Ah, it's only been an hour,

it's all right.



Oh, l'm sorry.



Tens, fives, ones.

As you requested.



l feel a little funny not telling

Lyle about this. Know what l mean?



Where do l say

l got the money from?



Don't tell him about the money.

Oh, see, no.



l would never hold out on Lyle.



You're holding out on him now.

You didn't tell him you were

coming to this meeting.



You told him you were

going for a drive.



Well, yeah, that's because...



How do you know what l told him?

The pen.



What, this pen?

lt's a microphone.



You bugged me?




l had to check. We had to make sure

you didn't know what was involved



when you helped

Shirra Assel escape.



Shirra? Assel?



Chuck, Shirra Assel arrived

in Marrakech last night

using your passport.



Please, don't deny it.



Miss Assel is a left-wing agent.



Her brother was killed three

days ago when he found a map



that could destabilise

the entire Middle East. lt could

certainly cost us lshtar.



And we can't afford that, Chuck,

especially since Morocco

signed a pact with Gaddafi.



ls that near here?



Gaddafi's a person.

He rules Libya.



Oh, yeah.



But that's near here,

isn't it?






Yeah, Libya's near here. Yeah.



Every intelligence agency

that has ties to the Middle East

is interested in this map.



We strongly believe Shirra Assel has it,




and we've got to find her

quickly before they do.



Here's the thing, Jim.

l don't know where she is.



l believe you, Chuck,

l believe you. But we think

that your roommate does.



Lyle? Rogers?




We have reason to believe

that Lyle Rogers is a left-wing agent.



Oh, Jim, get off this road.

You're heading straight

for wa-wa land.






Chuck, while l was

waiting for you here,



Shirra Assel was spotted

leaving your hotel room.



When she left, her clothes

were torn, her shirt was out,

she was breathing heavily.



We feel fairly certain that

there was a sexual encounter

between Shirra Assel and Lyle



and that Lyle was recruited

as a left-wing agent when they, uh...



Oh, don't be silly.

Lyle's not a communist.

He's from the South.



And l don't think

she's that kind of girl.



She's a suspected terrorist.



Granted. But that doesn't mean

she sleeps around.



And how come you don't know

what happened in that hotel room?



Why didn't you bug it?

We couldn't.




Who booked you in there, anyway?



Our hotel?




Marty Freed, our agent.






Marty Freed, independent agent.



What do you know about him?



What do you know

about Mr. Freed?



Here's the money.

l don't think l wanna do this.



You just think it over,

you decide what

you want to tell me.



Here's a beeper. You can get

in touch with me just by using that.

That's solid silver.



Well, l'm not gonna be using--



Solid silver?















LYLE: l go to the camel market

in Shali Benimal, l ask Mohamad and

l tell him l wanna buy a blind camel.



He will contact her.



l go to the camel market in Shali

Benimal. Ask for Mohamad and tell

him l wanna buy a blind camel.



He'll contact her.













l was--



l was wondering

who lived here.



You ever wonder that about

old houses? Who lives in them?



l was just coming back to get you.

Oh, l just ran out to get you.



l was going for a walk.



l thought you wanted to take the car

because the keys were gone.



Well, let's, uh...



Let's walk.



CHUCK: lt's funny, isn't it?

You never appreciate your

own country until you leave it.



Where'd you go?

Just looking.



l'm talking to you.

l hear you.



You know that in Russia

communists can't

go into business?



Did you know that in lshtar

the dome of the emir's palace

is gold?



And the people have never

seen a refridgerator?



Did you know that Gaddafi

has signed a pact with Morocco?



l can't believe these men

may control the fate

of the Middle East.



And I'll tell you another thing.



Spices for the mind?




Kif? Hashish?




Good stuff, yes.

No, thank you.



Need a guide? l'm Abdul.

Whatever you think it's worth.



No, thanks.

I have a sister in the United States.



You know Philadelphia?

We're turning here.



WOMAN: You need a guide?

Whatever you think it's worth.



This is the old city.

Don't look at the shopkeepers!



Don't advise us.

We don't want to be advised.

We're not paying you, okay?



My uncle sells rugs

in the next souk.

l can get you a price.



Don't hustle us.

l'm from New York.

l'm in show business.



The KGB is here.

l recognise two agents.



The ones dressed as Texans?




The ones dressed as Arabs.

The ones dressed as Texans

are Arab agents.






l also recognise two guys

from Turkish intelligence.



ln the Hawaiian shirts?

No. The Bermuda shorts.



The ones in the Hawaiian shirts

are tourists.



lt's too bad you don't

have a girl. These would

make such nice presents.



Who you gonna give yours to?

My mother.



   dirham more.



Too bad you can't

afford something better

for your mother.



You ought to try

socking some money away.



Behave normally.

We have guns pointed

at your back.



No, don't put your

hands up, you idiot!



Walk out casually

talking to us. Come on.




Birds are being netted.

Hunters unknown.



Repeat. hunters unknown.






MAN: Where are you from?

Um, Ponder, Texas.



Oh, l'm from near there.

You know Vermont?



You all right?






Come on!



Excuse me.

We're coming through!



He's not hiring you!



You get us out of here alive,

you'll get double your price.



Whatever you think it's worth.






Oh, my God!



ABDUL: This is the shop

of my uncle, the rug dealer.



Let's go.






Come, my friends.

Quickly, this way.



When they find out

you are not in rugs,

they may come back.



Go! Quickly! Go, go!



Abdul, hold my legs!



My car is parked

at the other end

of the medina.



Come on, come on, hurry!




Where are we going?



The camel market,

Shali Benimal!




Attention. A military curfew

is in effect throughout Ishtar.



All persons on the street after dark

are subject to search and arrest.



Jim Harrison.

Ah, Your Excellency.



My old friend.

Good to see you.



How nice to see you.

Good to see you.



Mint tea?

No, thanks.




No, thanks.







Thanks for your

overwhelming hospitality.



Please be seated.



l've got a helicopter waiting.

May l speak briskly?



Oh, please.



A little while ago, your men tried

to kill two Americans in Marrakech.



What? l am shocked

and saddened. Who were they?



They were your men.

They were using the

Kalashnikov rifles we sold you.



No, no, l mean,

who were the Americans?



Oh, Your Excellency,

must we go through this?



These men are pawns.

Their only use is as a link

to Shirra Assel and the map.



Jim, l know nothing

of any of this.



However, when two Americans

on their way to Marrakech

arrive in lshtar by way of Air Canary



and within minutes, make contact

with the most hunted fugitive

in the country



and give her a passport,

l would hardly call them pawns.



They're pawns.



Soon, their escape

will be called a miracle!



Next, they will be hailed

as the two messenger of God.



Your Excellency--

You do not understand.



Please, be seated.



What you are dealing with here,

these are fanatical devout Shiites



for whom this map is a sign

to rise up against me.



Your Excellency.



May l speak?




Your Excellency, what good

will it do if we neutralise

these two Americans?



The map will still exist.

Yes, but they won't.



l see.



Once the people see that God

does not work miracles

for those who oppose me,



but that they are executed

as ordinary political prisoners--



No. lf two Americans die,

it has to be unofficially.



Congress will have a fit

if they find out

there's another ClA hit list.



How they die is unimportant,

as long as their bodies

do not disappear.



l want no more rumours.

And it has to be done

by next weekend.



l am planning to meet

with Gaddafi on Wednesday.

He calls me every day.



The United States government

will not be blackmailed.



However, l see no difficulty

in meeting your timetable.






ABDUL: Here we are.

Camel market. Shali Benimal.



l'll be back in a while.

Oh, right, l'll be here.




Where are you going?



l wanna keep an eye on him,

make sure he doesn't get into trouble.






Sorry. Excuse me.



Excuse me.



Sorry, l can't talk that accent.

ls this a hotel?



Uh, Mohamad?

l am Mohamad.



You're kidding? You're Mohamad?

First time up, l hit a home run.



l wanna buy a blind camel.






l'm American. Do you speak English?







l am speaking English.

You tell me, l tell him.



Thank you. Would you tell him

l want to buy a blind camel?



A blind camel.



He will find you a blind camel.



He also knows of a camel

which has a crippled leg

and no teeth.



He will sell you both

for a special price.



Would you like a dead camel?



No, no. Just tell him

l wanna buy a blind camel.



He'll know what l mean.






So your friend told you

about Mohamad. And you,

no doubt, told the ClA.



That's what l thought

might happen.



l've been looking for you.

Why? ls your life in danger again?



What do you need this time,

a donor heart?



l want the contents of my suitcase.

Sure. Here.



lt's in my room at the Chez

Casablanca. Help yourself.



Don't play with me.

l'm not such a fool!



Half an hour after you left this

morning, l broke into your room

and l stole the suitcase.



The map was not in it.

Oh, is that where the map was?



Gave it to Jim Harrison,

didn't you? ClA has it?



No, l didn't tell them

about the suitcase.



You're lying. You went through

the suitcase, you found the map!



You found the map!

You gave it to Jim Harrison!



Hey, shoot me or lower your voice

and stop throwing Jim Harrison

up to me.



The only reason Jim Harrison

hired me was because you

recruited Lyle as a communist.



l gave you my passport.

l carried all your stuff out of lshtar.



Why didn't you recruit me

as a communist?

Wasn't l good enough?



l don't know

what you're talking about.



Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, forget it.

What's done is done.



Lyle is your communist,

so go bother him.

l don't care anymore.



Can you be telling the truth?



Hey, you have a right

to pick who you want.



lt's a free country.

No thanks to you and Lyle.



My God. Oh, my God.



You are telling the truth.

Listen to me.



Hey, don't sit on the bed.

lt's too late for that now.



The things in that suitcase,

they came from my brother's room.



l packed them the night

he was killed.



He called me on the phone.



When l got to his room,

he was dead. Poor Omar.



He was smiling.



l knew he was smiling



because he had hidden the map

where no one could find it.



He was smiling at me.



lt was our last secret.



l knew from what he said

on the phone that he had hidden

the map somewhere in his things.



l grabbed them all,

l put them in his suitcase

and l put on his clothes



so l would look like a boy,

and l ran.



l was hunted almost

from the start.



l never even had a chance

to look through the things

l had packed.



When l met you at the airport,

you were my last hope.



Oh, gee, l wish there was

something l could do.



There is. Please tell no one

l don't have the map.



lt means my life.

That means your life too?



l am a member of the party

that opposes the emir.



lt means the life

of anyone in lshtar.



Without the map,

l'll be killed on sight.



No kidding?

Does the ClA know this?






this is an ancient, devious world,



and you come from a young country.



Promise me you will keep my secret

without trying to understand it?



Sure. lf it means your life.






Maybe one day we will meet again.



One day? Are you kidding?

lt'll be every day.



lt's only the beginning.

You're a true American.



l knew you were a nice girl.



Chuck? Hi.



l bought a few things.

A hand-dyed Tuareg gown here.



This is a keffiyeh, and

here is a red scarf l got

for practically nothing.



What are you doing with a camel?

Oh, that's a long story.



lt's another--

One of the things l bought.



What do you mean?

Huh? Well...



You bought a camel?

Well, yeah--



Well, no, l didn't actually buy him,

they sold him to me.






Come on, buddy.

Easy, boy. Easy, boy.



What the hell's

the matter with him?

ls he blind?



Well, yeah, he is.

But he's in perfect condition.



They used him for drawing

well water up a track.



Lyle, are you crazy?



l not supposed to have him

permanently, l don't think. lt's just--

l think it's a kind of a sign.



Lyle, get rid of the camel,

let's get you out of the sun.



Well, the sun can't hurt me,

l got my keffiyeh.



Oh, God. l got a feeling

something went wrong

and now l own a blind camel.



Uh, Lyle.

l own a blind camel.



Lyle, put this over your face.

Keep your head down.






Keep walking and don't talk loud.

Why? What's the matter?






What are they doing here?

l think they're looking for us.



l think you're right.

Give me that scarf.






Take it behind the hump

and put it on.



Hold her steady.



l can't hold her too tight

because it hurts her tooth.



Loosen the rope.

Don't let her scream.



You all right?



Are you all right?

Yeah, fine.



Here, take this gown and take it

behind that building there

and put it on.



The guy that sold you that camel

has probably described you

down to your socks.



Give me the rope.






You gotta hold it down.

He doesn't like it when you

hold it up. He's got a bad tooth.



Will you go?



How much for the camel?




Keep your voice down.

Point at the camel as we speak.



How did you find us?

The beeper.



You mean this is a bug too?

Only at close range.



We use it basically to track with.



The men in straw hats

are members

of Emir Yousef's army.



They're trying to kill you.

l thought Emir Yousef was our guy.



He is. He is.



But he doesn't like the idea

of your friend dealing

with a known communist.






Don't touch his mouth.

One of his teeth is bad.



l'd like to go over

the Shirra Assel

situation with you.



As one agent to another,

l've heard the emir is a prick.



Really? Well, we'll have

to look into that.



But the main thing is

to get you out of town

before you're recognised.



Do you know anything

about the desert?



Yeah. That's where Las Vegas is.

Cute, huh?



That is cute, yeah.

''That's where Las Vegas is.''



That's a good one.

l'll have to remember that.

lt's a good one.



You can stop pointing now.




Stand up.



There's two canteens

and a compass in here.



Two canteens, compass.



You and Lyle walk out of town,

walk southeast.






ln a couple of hours,

you'll run into the Harridan oasis.



Harridan oasis.



How do we know--?

You'll know it. You can't miss it.



We'll pick you up there.

Move the camel.

Move the camel!



The camel. Move the camel.

Move the camel. Where?



Anywhere. He's on my foot.






What the hell's the matter

with that camel?



ls he blind?




Jim, l'd like to go over these

directions with you once more

before Lyle comes back.



SHlRRA: He promised

he would say nothing.

He gave me his word.



And    minutes later,

Jim Harrison appears here.



Shirra, we have no choice.



lt is a pity you told him

we don't have the map,

but you did.



lf he talks, we'll all be dead

by tomorrow. And our families.



God help me.



Shirra, do you dare risk

all our lives for them?




lt is terrible



to send two men

into the desert to die.



No, it is better to kill two men

than two hundred.



But it is much harder.




Do not turn around. Take those.



Give me the cloth.

l'll wrap it around your head

as we speak.



Your life is in danger.



Take your friend

and start walking

into the desert.



Drop the beads as you go.

When you cannot see

the town anymore, stop.



Wait until night,

and then follow the beads back.



They are golamine beads.

They glow in the dark.



Could l have a map instead?

There is no map of the desert.



Everyone uses golamine beads.



How do you know

they'll stay there?

What about birds?



The birds in the desert

eat only flesh.

And there is no wind.



Will you still be here

when we get back?



Yes, l will be here.

Go quickly, now.



l think about you

all the time.



Sometimes l imagine you

dressed like a girl.



We're walking along...

We'll talk about it tonight. Go now.



lt is done.






CHUCK: Why are you dropping beads?

LYLE: Huh?




How come you're dropping beads?



Your necklace is too heavy?



LYLE: No, l'm making a trail.

That's what they do

when they come out here.



They drop these beads,

and then, when it gets dark,

they shine.



And they can follow them

all the way back to town.



What if they want to just go forward?



Oh, well, then the beads don't help.




So l guess it's a good idea

that l bought a compass.



You bought a compass?





When l got the canteens.



You bought canteens?




Take one sip at a time.

That water has to last you

about another    minutes.



Why? What happens in    minutes?

We run out of water.



No, seriously, though,

l hear there's an oasis



about an hour and a half

outside of Shali Benimal.



l don't think it's smart

to keep walking out here

in the desert.



We'll be there in a minute.

lf you're tired, ride the camel.



Ride it? How do l get up on it?



Here, l'll give you a boost.







This way, boy! This way, boy!



This way, boy! This way!







How long before they're inoperative?



JlM: Well, they're going southeast,

so the sun's gonna get stronger.



By tonight, they'll be out of water,

miles from the well.



Tomorrow morning,

they should stop moving.



And by tomorrow afternoon,

they, uh, should be dead.



That's a funny pattern.

Are they drunk?



No. The camel's blind.



You're kidding?




CHUCK: You okay?

LYLE: Yeah.



You comfortable?








CHUCK: l can't understand.

We should've hit that oasis

seven minutes ago.



LYLE: l can't even see

the town anymore.



No, we can't stop now.

We're gonna hit it any minute.



Come on, now. Come on.



We'll be there in minutes.

No, no, l really gotta stop.



Want some water?

Let me give you a little water.



Wait, wait.

What's the matter?




What's the matter?



lt's hot today.



Chuck! Chuck!






What happened?



Hold on, Hawk!

Hold on!

l'm coming.






Oh, no! Oh! Oh!



Oh, no!



Chuck! Chuck, get up!



No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

Not dead. Just resting!



Shoo! Shoo!



Bad bird! Bad! Bad! Bad!



Hold on, Hawk.



Hold on, l'm coming.

l'm coming.



Oh, no.



Hawk, hold on, l'm coming.






Are you crazy? l'm moving.






Just wait a minute.

Just drink a little bit of this.



Don't spill it, Hawk.

Don't spill it. That's it.



All right.

ls this--? ls this the oasis?



Does this look like an oasis to you?

Yeah, look at the birds.



Are those vultures?

Yeah. You fainted.



They thought you were dead.

You mean they're here on spec?






l think it's very important not to

let yourself get too run down

when you come out here.



We just can't afford to walk

around looking for an oasis.

Do you understand?



l don't understand it.

lt was just an hour and a half

outside of Shali Benimal.



You can't miss it.

Who told you that?



Who told you that?

l can't remember.



Well, we missed it.

Here's to my beads.



Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you crazy?

That's our only water.



So what? We're gonna be back

in Shali Benamali in a little while.



lt's gonna be night.

You don't need water at night.



Lyle. Lyle, are you sure it's safe

to count on a lot of beads in

the desert for a trail?



What if there's a big wind?



There is no wind in the desert.

Who told you that?



l can't remember.




l see.



To the beads.

To the beads.






We will leave for lshtar

tomorrow morning,



and you are coming

with us, professor.



Hasad and l will take over

the transmitter



and we'll broadcast

as the two messengers of God



and promise the Shiites that

if they rise up, the emir will fall

as prophesied.



l see.

You will be there to verify it.



lt'll be rather difficult to do

without the map, won't it?



By the time we are asked

to produce it, lshtar will be ours.



You'll be slaughtered.



A few hundred guerrillas

and a mob of angry Shiites



against an army trained

and equipped by the Americans?



You underestimate us, professor.



We have a network

of mercenaries, tribesmen,



all starting for lshtar tonight.




The desert is filled with dealers

in black-market arms.



They will be armed.



Well, you appear to have

thought of everything.



Except the possibility that

the two Americans will survive



and let out that

you don't have the map.



l have thought of that too.



That is why l put a price

of       dirham on their heads

this afternoon.



lf they survive the desert,

they will not survive that.



You are a murderer.

And what are you?



Or do you think a bullet is crueller

than what they face now?



lt's getting nippy.



l don't see any beads

shining, do you?



Well, it isn't dark yet.






Oh, my God!




We're gonna miss our show!

Oh, no!



Oh, yes! Yes!





Oh, yes. Well, well, well.



That is it, isn't it? Now

we're gonna get blackballed

at the Chez Casablanca.



We're never gonna work

in Morocco again.



They're gonna call Marty,

word's gonna get out.

We will never get another booking.



What have you done?

What have l done?



You're blaming me?

Yes, l am!



On me?

On you!



You're a spy. That's how come

everybody's trying to kill us.



Oh, this is a joke. You think

those guys are after us because

they think l'm a spy, huh?



Those guys are after us because

they think that you know

where Shirra Assel's map is!



Who is Shirra Assel Smap?



Oh, come on! Don't play

sucker games with me!



You're not selling water

to some schmuck in Ponder, Texas!

This is the Hawk talking!



You think l don't know that

you spent a half-hour with

Shirra Assel in our hotel room?



Oh, is she the guy with your jacket

and your passport that

you told me you lost in lshtar?



Yeah. And l suppose

you don't know what her name is?



l don't.

And you don't know about the map?



What map?

''What map?''



The map that could lose us lshtar

and enflame the whole Middle East.



Well, that's your department.

You're the guy taking money

from the ClA.



That money is for us.

That money is for the both--



The money's for us?

Well, l don't want it!



l don't think it's right

to take money for keeping a guy

like the emir of lshtar in power.



He's a bad guy.

Oh, knock it off.



Brown-nosing the commies

won't get you my girl.



Your girl? How did

she get to be your girl?



Let me tell you something!

lf she's anybody's girl, it's

the guy you're sitting in back of!






You poor putz!



Don't you have any sense of reality?

Do you really think you can get

a girl away from--?



What are you crying about?




Was l too tough on you?



l'm not crying!

A piece of sand blew

in my eye!



Cry? You don't get it. She likes me.

She gave me the golamine beads.

She told--






A piece of sand blew in my eye?

What does this mean?



This must be one of them

once-in-a-lifetime things,

like a glacier's melting.

















Easy, fella. Easy. Whoa!



Whoa! Whoa!

CHUCK: Camel!



Oh, this son of a bitch!

Now he's tired.



My hips are locked.



Don't do that. Hey.




Don't wipe your face with that.

The dye's coming off on your skin.



Who's gonna see me?

That's not the point.



Dye is carcinogenic.

You're right.




lt's gonna be a scorcher.



Lyle, Lyle. Look. Look.






Get down.



Could that be a mirage?



We both see it.

How could it be a mirage?



You're right.






Lyle, go down to that truck

and try to get us some water.



But be careful, because

they may be looking for us.



So act like an Arab.



Are you listening to me?




And whatever you do, don't talk.



How can l ask for water?

Use hand gestures. Be inventive.



You do it.

l can't. Look how l'm dressed.



Lyle, what is the big deal?

Go on, you're just gonna ask

for some water.



We lost our canteens.

Attaboy, attaboy.







Hey, you!



You, on the top!




Are you the auctioneer?



Are you the auctioneer?




You understand English?



Do you understand English?




Great. We're in business.



Two Kalashnikovs.




These babies should bring us

a pretty good price.



We start soon, huh, yes?






Here's our boy.

His name is Hakir.



Thank God you're here.



Uh, listen, Hakir. These Berbers

are all from different tribes

with different dialects.



They don't understand

Arabic or each other.

We don't understand them.



l hope to God you do.




l understand all Berber dialects.



Oh, very good.



Now, we pay you     dirham

for the job.      now

and      later.












This is not Arabic.




l speak no Arabic.

l am a Berber

from the north of here.



Early on, l was sent by my tribe

to trade with other tribes

the delft of our hills.



There, l learned

from each tribe his dialect.



And where did you learn English?

We had much delft.



Even as you come here to trade,

my sahkaro sent me there.



You know Philadelphia?




All right, go on, then.



Hakir, we want you to close

your eyes and put your

hands by your side,



and tell these men

that their camels

have been stolen.






Pardon, l don't--



With your eyes closed,

and no gestures of any kind,



tell this bunch,

on the other side of the truck,



you saw their camels

being stolen, huh?



Do it!




What was l supposed to say again?

Do it!






Oh, come on!






They understood something.

l don't believe it.



They understood everything.



Some say, ''Oh, my God.''

Still others say, '' But l just

saw my camel. He was fine.''



Still others say, ''What did he say?''



l'm sorry, old man, but a translator

who speaks all Berber dialect

and English but no Arabic?



l don't believe it.

This man is a fake.



Oh, no.

They don't seem to think so.



Hakir, look...



tell these wallahs that

our weapons come straight

from the Saharawi desert.



Tell them the Americans

give the lshtari new weapons,



but these are better because

they've already been tested in battle.



Keep hitting the '' used

is better than new'' idea.



Used is better than new.

Yeah. They'll buy it. Go on, sell them.






Oh, they say they could

hardly believe their ears.



Do you really expect them

to swallow such nach-nach.



Still others just shrug

and question your sanity.



First the camels and then this.



Tough crew, eh?

Oh, very tough. Berbers.






Now what?



They wonder when

the water will be passed.



Wonder when

the water will be passed?



Screw the water!



We're not selling water!

Start the bidding!






Five? Five? Five?




l got five!



Six? l got six? l got six!



This one! Tell them

about this one!



Tell him     .



Twelve thousand.



He's got it. ls that    ? Let him have it.



Here, here.






AGENT: Jim, you called it.

Hasn't moved in almost    minutes.



Right on schedule.



How's your foot?

Good, good. Better, thanks.



     -    , this is Circuit-breaker.



Come in,     -   .



l read you, Circuit-breaker.

This is      -    .



The expiration date

is nearly due on those packages

and the sender wants an lD.



So track them with the chopper,

and try to fly

where you won't be seen.






Because the Ishtari have

American choppers that they're

picking off gunrunners with,



and we don't want to be

associated with that.



l think we've hit some gunrunners.






Something must be wrong

with the beeper.

This can't be their location.



We've been sighted.

Let them go.



Son of a bitch!




lt's them!



Let's get the hell out of here!

They don't look dead to me.



Let's go.

Chopper, come here! Come here!



Oh, don't go away! No!



Shit! They didn't see us.



We didn't get any water.



Yeah, but we got these.

l bet you these babies are worth

a couple of canteens.



You want to drag these around

till we find somebody with water?



Lyle, that chopper

was looking for us.

l'll bet you anything.



The ClA knows we're lost,

because we didn't show up

at the oasis.



lf we can just stay alive

for a couple days,

they'll find us.



We can get out of here and go home.

Wouldn't that be great?



Get out of here and go home.

Yeah, l wanna go home.












ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.

A military curfew is in effect

throughout Ishtar.




lt has to be official!



Your Excellency, l assure you,

the ClA is doing everything

in its power to keep you safe.



We have       American advisers.



The ClA! The ClA did

everything in its power to keep

Anwar Sadat and the shah safe.



How safe were they?



Are the two American

messengers of God dead yet?



l can check.

Yes, check.



l want to announce

their death tonight.



Your Excellency,

the announcement of the death

of these two men--



Who have made me look foolish

and strengthened the belief that

God has a hand in my overthrow...



What of them?

We would like their deaths



to appear as from natural causes.



A bullet in the desert

is not unnatural.



Especially when there

are so many gunrunners

and mercenaries about.



Jim, the enemy of my enemies

is my friend.



Now, these two men are my enemies,

just as Libya is yours.




Yes, Your Excellency.









My lips are on fire.



SlNGlNG: With my desire

For you



Good song.












What have l done

with my life, Lyle?



Not now, Chuck.

Not now. Not now.



No children. No wife.



Chuck, this isn't really

a good time to get depressed.



You're right. l don't know

what's wrong with me.



Look at the upside.

We're not living lives

of quiet desperation.



l guess l just have the blues.








SlNGlNG: All the folks

That don't have money



Are they poor? Well, sure

Good rhyme.






Take it!



This is some of our best work.

You got a pencil?



Come on now, Lyle. Get a pencil.



Hey, l wonder if we're here.






Don't lose it, Lyle. Lyle?

This is really interesting.



l'm not depressed anymore.

lt shows you where you are



in terms of the sun.



l mean, you don't know much

about where you are

in terms of where you are, but...



Oh, Lyle, don't scare me.

You're all l have.



No, so help me, the lining

of your jacket's a map.



Look at it.




You got the East there,

the sun coming up.

The West right there.



lt is a map.

Well, yeah!



This must be the map. Shirra's map.

The map that everyone's

been looking for.



Oh, you mean, the map

that could cost us lshtar

and enflame the Middle East?




ln the lining of a jacket?






lt's not the real lining.

Someone sewed it in.



Look at this thread,

it's all sloppy and crooked.



Shirra's brother

must've sewed it in.



Can l give it to her with you?




That means we can't tell

the ClA about it.



Well, it's not their map.

lt's her map.




She's gone through enough.



Oh, boy, she must've

gone through a lot if she

found out about that wind.






That was a weird one.




No one-- No one

even mentioned it

during the auction.



And they didn't shine.

What didn't?



The beads. They didn't shine.



How would you know?

They were probably in Kansas

five minutes after the wind hit.



No, but the beads on my

necklace didn't shine.

They're the ones that l dropped.



That's right. l don't remember

them shining last night.



ln fact...



l remember them not shining.



Oh, gee.









We're approaching the target. Over.



Come in as low as you can.

They'll hold still for you.



I want those bullets to look lik e

they came from the ground.



They're coming into range.

Take her down.




They see us!



He's landing!



He's pointing a gun at us.

No, he's not pointing it at us.



He's just riding shotgun

in case there's trouble.



He's aiming at us.

Will you stop being paranoid!






Run! Run!



They're splitting.

Go for the one in blue.

The other's just standing there.



What's happening?

Run, smuck! They're trying to kill us!



You mean those pricks

are trying to kill us too?



Run a crooked line!



Run! Keep running!



Oh, my God! l don't

believe this is happening.



You're too high.

Come down.



No one's gonna measure

whether the guy who shot them

was   foot or    !



Are you serious?

Two Americans shot in a desert?

Of course they'll measure.



This goes in here.

Turn it over.



l wish this gun was mounted.



What the--?

Jesus Christ! They're firing at us!



Great shot!



l used to hunt every day

before the tyre factory opened.



They're using an automatic rifle.

We've been hit.



Back off and take cover.

l'm sending in a gunship.

Over and out.



Son of a bitch.



Come on, now, get up!

You idiot!



Move! Move!

You wanna get killed?



We're trying to save your ass!

Move! Move!



Get up!

Forget it, Chuck.



They're gonna come back

and kill us.



Come on, let's move these.

Big, dumb, stupid-ass camel!



He'd rather just

sit there than move!



When you ask him,

he'd rather get shot!



Actually, l kind of admire that.

Me too.



Oh, boy.










Here they come. Here they come.




There's two of them now.



What should l take?

Take the M  , take the M  .



What's that? This one?

Right there. Yeah.



lsn't this amazing?

Nothing ever happened to us.



Willa left me,

l played a couple clubs...



Nothing to write home about.




Now we're gonna die

in the desert shooting helicopters.



That ain't poverty.

SlNGlNG: That ain't poverty, baby






We didn't need a pencil.



MAN   : There's a jeep

moving in towards the target.



Hold your fire till it passes.

If it stops, neutralise it. Over.



MAN  :

I read you.









CHUCK: Now there's a guy

who wants to kill us bad enough

to drive across the desert.



What are you trying to do,

make it look like a traffic accident?



ABDUL: Don't shoot!

lt's me, your guide. Abdul!



Abdul? What are you doing here?

ABDUL: Looking for you.



l've been looking for you

all night. Fortunately, l had

a paying passenger.



MAN   : The jeep stopped.

MAN  : Shit.



Well, tak e them all. Be careful,

one of them has got a rifle. Go!






You stay with the machine gun.



What do l do?

Just aim and fire.



Do you know how to use

a grenade launcher?






This is the trigger.



Let them come in closer.

When l give you the signal,

stand and fire.



l have brought about your deaths.

We will die together.






Holy shit!



Jim, l don't know what

you had in mind, but this

action is no longer covert.



We're now overtly firing

on two Americans

and God knows who else.



And they are armed to the teeth!

Get out, get out, get out.



The mission's over. Just get out

as quick, quick-- While we can

still say we made a mistake. Get out.



Fuck you!

Fuck you twice!



And two more

from our friends!



JlM: Marty. Marty, if we agree

to your terms, will we get the map?




l don't know anything about a map.



But if anything should happen

to my clients, the map is up

for grabs.



Here's the deal.



''One, social reforms in lshtar

as dictated by Shirra Assel.



Two, an immediate live-in-concert

album from Rogers & Clarke

at the Chez Casablanca



to be financed and promoted

worldwide by you.''



Promote Rogers & Clark e worldwide?



No problem. Marty--



Let's work together as agents.

My pleasure. Talk to you soon.






lt's a disaster.



The girl wants social reforms

in lshtar, which means we

probably have to get rid of the emir.



But that's not the biggest problem.



We've got to actually back an album

with these guys and promote them

worldwide! Hold on one second.






We did not shoot at two Americans

in the desert. We did not.



Who told you that?



The secretary of state?

Well, how would he know?



Well, let me look into.

l'm gonna look into it right away.

l'll get right back to you.



Get General Westlake to get

the  th Battalion as an enthusiastic

audience for a live concert.



Tell him-- No, no, no,

don't tell him that. Tell him,

''General, we've found the map.



But we don't know where it is.

But we know who has it.



Shirra Assel and these two

American entertainers who

somebody shot at in the desert. ''



And we've been able

to make a deal, general,



but we need our own men here

because if anything happens

to them,



the map goes to the KGB,

but if Emir Yousef accepts

Shirra Assel's reforms



and we back their albums,

they promise not to sell it

to anyone else.



Back their albums?

l'm Shirra Assel, their friend.



l'm Abdul, their guide.

Marty Freed. l'm their agent.



l'd like to get up,

but l got such jet lag.






MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

by popular demand,



Rogers & Clark e.



Applaud! Pick it up! Yeah!



Applaud! Come on!






They wrote the music

and the lyrics.



That's the single.










More! Encore!



Thank you very much.

Thank you.



Can you believe this? Huh?



And now,

ladies and gentlemen,



this next song is for

a very lovely lady of the left.



This is unbelievable.









What is it?



l think they're wonderful.








Special help by SergeiK