It Runs In The Family Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the It Runs In The Family script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Michael Douglas.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of It Runs In The Family. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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It Runs In The Family Script



Look over my right shoulder.






Look over my left shoulder.



Very good.



You know, Mr Gromberg,

you're not gonna want to hear this,



but for a man of your age,

less than year after a stroke,



you are in remarkable shape.



My damn ticker - boom, boom,

boom, boom - a mile a minute.



Well, your cardiogram

showed no abnormalities.



Blood pressure high?



Your blood pressure?

Better than mine.



- How about my liver?

- Your liver's holding up perfectly.



- Kidneys?

- Fine.



- What about this?

- What?



What? This?



That's dry skin, Mr Gromberg.

It's not cancer.



Say, "Ah".



So, are you still seeing

your speech therapist?



No. She talks worse than I do.



Well, I hate to tell you this,

Mr Gromberg,



but it looks like

you still have a few good years left.



A few good years?



How do you know?

Do you talk to the man upstairs?



Hey, Gromberg,

what's that supposed to be?



A sensei.



- A what?

- A sensei. A karate sensei.



Oh, yeah? Has your karate guy

ever seen a pair of these before?



Morning. I'd like you to join me



in welcoming back your classmate,

Abigail Staley.



Most of you have known her

since kindergarten.



Is there something you'd care to

share with us, gentlemen?



So, no matter what you've heard

over the last couple of months,



I know that you will be

kind and considerate.



Isn't that right, Mr Cooper? Abby?



What the hell are you looking at?




what the hell are you lookin' at?



Gromberg, I am going to have the

Martine agreement in time, aren't I?



Gromberg, I am going to have the

Martine agreement in time, aren't I?



I am working on it as we speak,




- Just checking.

- Sure thing.






Alex? I have your wife on line two.



- What time are Martine getting here?

- Any minute.






- Yeah, hi, Bec.

- Hi.



I have five minutes between patients.

I just needed a moment of sanity.



So you're calling me?



Am I on speaker phone?



Sorry, I'm up to my ass

with this Martine thing.



Your parents are coming

at  :  . Don't be late.



They're bringing Uncle Stephen.



Better get out the body bags.



I'll pick up some matzo on my way

home after the soup kitchen.



- Got a minute?

- Oh, Deb, please!



This is Rosario.



She's the sister-in-law to

Marielena, who cleans my house.



It's very nice to meet you.

If you'll excuse me...



Rosario has a problem.



She lives with her four sons,

her sister, her sister's husband



and their three kids.



They haven't had hot water

for three months.



They just made it

through winter without heat.



Almost made it through.



Her father just passed away

from pneumonia.



I'm sorry about your dad, but l

don't know what you want me to do.



I haven't done public advocacy stuff

in years.



It's what you should be doing.



All right, Rosario. I'll take a look

at this. I'll see what I can do.



No problem.



Is someone coming to pick you up,

Mrs Gromberg?



My grandson.



Let us know

if you need a taxi.



You shouldn't be walking.



I have two grandsons.



Eli's the youngest. He's   .

He's Pappy's favourite.



Asher's the one who's picking me up.



I didn't want him to bother,

but my son insisted.



Asher's very laid-out.






Oh. Back?



Oh, right. Laid-back.



Are you among the living today,

Mr Gromberg?



I'm here, man. Ask away.

What do you wanna know?



I asked if you had any thoughts

on Mr Stein's one-act play,



Three Kikes and a Heeb.



I mean,

to tell you the truth, sir,



I was completely blown away

by this piece of material here.



I mean, Stein, man,



that part where the antagonist

antagonises the protagonist?



- That was rock solid, man.

- What is he talking about?



How many pages of Mr Stein's

hard work did you actually read?



That's a good question.



I believe it was

all but the last nineteen, sir.



- Out of twenty?

- Mr Edwards?



Not bad.



- Yes, Ms Maloney?

- I am amazed at you people!



Did no-one but I find the sickening

display of anti-Semitism offensive?



- I did. I certainly did.

- Thank you.



When you have a Jewish character

playing charades



and you devote ten pages to his

attempt to act the word Holocaust,



and make no condemnation

of the Nazis...



- I'm sorry?

- Do you have no sense of decency?



- Have you no sense of humour?

- Humour?



How can I be anti-Semitic?

I was bar mitzvahed!



Sorry about that, guys. It's my

grandmother. I gotta pick her up.



Could you be

any more unappealing?



You are like a zoo monkey

smeared in its own faeces.



Someone should follow you around

with a pooper scooper.



Mr Gromberg, show a little class

on your way out, please.



Watch out, man.



My beautiful ladies. Today

we are running a bit of a special.



Two bags for   .



Nicky said he got two for    .



For Nicky, two bags are    .



But for Katie and Erica,

two bags are   .



Do you take cheques?



Cash only, sweetie.



- I don't have any cash.

- Shit! I gotta get outta here!



But I have to go to an ATM.



Don't worry about it.

I'll get you guys next time.



You see, Dr Gromberg, in the window

was this display of socks.



Beautiful, fun socks.



Every colour imaginable. Cashmere.



Next thing I know, the saleswoman

is wrapping up ten pairs for me.



   bucks a pair.



That's a lot of money for socks.



Does Noah buy you special gifts?



I can't remember the last time



he came home with anything for me.



Son of a bitch!






Not you.



My ex-partner. Kipling.



He died.



At last!



We're here, sir.



Stephen, your brother is here.



Aye, Captain.



Are you ready to go?



Where are we going?



Pesach. We're going to a Seder.






Not yet.



Gefilte fish?



Mama makes good gefilte fish.



Gefilte fish, yes.



But not Mama's.






My daughter-in-law can't cook.



What are they doing? That's gross!



You don't know what that is?

That's   .



  's all right,

but it's nothin' like oral sex.



Get off, Shea!



Anybody wet their Pampers today?



No. You?



You're in little Abby Staley's

class, right?



You tell little Abby that she

never finished what she started.



Tell her I've waited too long,

my balls are gonna burst.



- Miss Congeniality.

- Gromberg, are you following me?



Following you?

Why would I be following you?



You just called me a zoo monkey

smeared in my own faeces.



Which I actually thought

was kind of funny.



But, no, I'm on my way uptown

to go pick up my grandmother.



Your grandmother?

That is such bullshit.



No, I am. Sometimes

I pick her up from dialysis.



You are so following me,

and I wish you would stop it.



You know what, Peg? You excite me.



You are so moronic, it is unreal.



- Screw me.

- I don't think so.



No, I gotta go.



But before I do,

let me get your digits.



- Excuse me?

- Your phone number.



You don't get the message?



What do I have to do,

barf on your Nikes?



Just give me your number and

I'll quit hasslin' you.



It's on the class roster,

under "Unavailable".



At least give me some skin.



Excuse me, is Mrs Gromberg here?



You just missed her.

I put her in a taxi ten minutes ago.






Was she OK, at least?



Listen, she's old.

It takes a lot out of her.



If you can't be here on time, get

somebody else who can pick her up.



What kinda shit-ass portion is this?

Now serve it up!



What kinda shit-ass portion is this?

Now serve it up!



Is everything OK, Suzie?



I explained that we don't give

seconds until everyone's had a turn.



She ain't gave me but a few carrots.

A man needs his vitamin E.



Vitamin A, but you're right,

it keeps the eyes sharp.



We can't serve seconds

till everybody gets firsts.



I'll tell you what I'm going to do.



You sit down and enjoy your meal,

and I'm gonna make a plate here.



And if you're still hungry,

you come on back here,



and this plate will be sittin'

waitin' for you, right, right here.



Aren't you the little peacemaker




They should give you an award.



They already have. Most dishes

washed, Lake Kiamasha,     .



Yeah, but not for how many you do.



It's for how damn good you look

when you do them.



- Wait a minute.

- What?



Don't tell me you haven't felt it.



- Felt what?

- The heat.



Between us. For weeks now.



All the steam. The chafing dishes.






I am so... wet.



- You know I'm married, Suzie.

- Yeah, I do. And so am I.



You are such a troublemaker.



Oh, but you see, I'm kinda worth it.



Oh, shit!



I can't do this.



I have evidence to the contrary.



You said if I was still hungry



Come on.



Thank you, no.

It's a little early for me.



What can I do to help?



The dishes. Don't break any.



You're such the happy helper

this evening, aren't you?



It's called survival, honey.



What an attractive neighbourhood.



Let me give you a kiss.



Let me take your coat.



Hi, Uncle Stephen. How are you?



- Hiya, Dad.

- How are you doing?



He's not deaf!



He's just demented.



Where are the boys?



- Where's Asher?

- He should be here any minute.



Move into the living room.



- Can I get you a drink?

- That'd be lovely.



Want the usual?



I'll have, this year, please...



..some real wine!



You don't like the kosher wine

we serve you?



You schlep me all the way down here.



At least give me wine

that I can drink.



Well, that's,

that's a point well taken, Dad.



Get me a tequila while you're at it.



She's jumpin'!



Give me five.



Now, Eli, this is important.






a quick kick in the shins

gets his attention.



Then, using the palm...



Smack in the kisser!



Push his nose right into his brain!



What are you telling him?



Don't worry.



You finish...



..a knee, right in the family jewels.



Please refrain

from filling my son's head



with your blood-and-guts stories.



Every boy should know these things.



Every boy

should not know these things.



Yes, I should.



Not yet.



Was he always like this?



Oh, no, dear.



No, Uncle Stephen

was a great Navy man.



Very brave.

And very dashing in his uniform.



All right, everybody,

let's come to the table.



Where's Asher?



He's probably hanging out

on some street corner. We'll start.



He'll join us when he gets here.



Manners of a caveman.



What? He should be here.



Stephen! Not yet.



We thank you, oh, Lord our God,



King of the universe,

who created the fruit of the vine.






Only     !



Give me a hard boiled...



This is the bread of our affliction.



And this one is the Afikomen.



I will hide the Afikomen,

and don't you cheat.



"Why is it on all other nights

of the year we eat bread or matzo,



but on this night we eat only matzo?"



- Now what?

- I'm sorry, son.



- You have to take this now?

- It's Barney.



This may be an emergency.



My grandson is reading

the four questions!



- Eli, I'm sorry.

- No, it's OK.



Go ahead. Start again.



We're having dinner now.



Ignores his duties at the firm

for years. Now he has to work?



- Mitchell, not now.

- Wait a minute, what did you say?



- You heard me.

- You're talkin' to me about duty?



I know all about duty.

Duty to my family as well as my work!



- What about me?

- Don't start this.



"Why is it on all other nights

we eat either sitting or reclining,



- but on this night we..."

- Where were you?



At least I've made an effort

to be here!



Read it like you mean it!



- "Why is this night..."

- Hey, everybody.



You got here before Elijah did.



- Hey, little man.

- Good to see you, son.



- Good to see you too, Dad.

- Glad you could make it.



You wanna find out if anybody else

would like the last piece?



Would anybody like

this last piece of brisket?



At least there's somebody else here

who likes the wine.



You're not doing too bad yourself.



Mom, mean brisket.



It's my best work yet, isn't it?



Come on. What is it? Tell me.

Stephen, tell me.



- Is he all right?

- He's having a good time.



- Abby Staley came back today.

- What, honey?



Abby Staley,

she came back to class today.



- Who's she?

- She did?



This little girl, she ran away with

an older boy. She's    years old.



This happens at artsy-fartsy school?

Kids run away?



- Did you talk to her?

- No.



- I don't even like her.

- I bet you did.



She thinks she's cool. If she wants

to run away, it's OK with me.



You should be more compassionate.



She's obviously going through

a hard time.






- Do you ever think of running away?

- Sometimes.



I would run away, too,

from such a ferkokta school.



- That's helpful, Mitchell.

- C'mon, Dad, that's enough.



He said it.



Good for you.



Why didn't you pick up

your grandmother?



You promised

you wouldn't say anything.



- It's no big deal.

- I think it's a big deal.



- Asher, we counted on you...

- Do you know how serious it is?



Do you have any idea

what dialysis is?



Yeah, Dad.



Kidney dialysis is the process



of filtering the accumulated

waste products of metabolism



from the blood of a patient

whose kidneys aren't functioning.



Did you guys hear that?



- If it's too much responsibility...

- I don't want you fighting over me.



When I was his age,

I supported a wife and kid.



That's not true, Dad.

I wasn't even born yet!



All of you, let it pass! Let it be!



I had a very interesting experience

after I left dialysis.



- What happened?

- I got in a cab.



And then I went

to my mother's old building.



- You didn't go home after dialysis?

- Why did you do that?



I'm not sure.



I just found myself there.



I think it's a sign.



Honey, what the hell are you

talking about, a sign? What sign?



- Look, Granny, I'm sorry.

- Oh, that's all right, honey.



I'm gonna go drain my dragon.



- Drain his what?

- His dragon, dear.



You can't always run away.



Sooner or later, you'll have to...



Silent but violent!



I surrender!



You win! I surrender!



We'll do it your way.






- I didn't say you can come in here.

- I didn't ask, man.



So, what's your secret, bro?



All this ying-yang stuff

bring the poon-tang?



What's that mean?



You got yourself a lady friend?



- None of your business.

- Pokin' her?



- I'm eleven.

- Who cares, man?



Tell me you've slapped

the old Gromberg lip-lock on her.



Not yet, but I'm gonna.



That's all right, man. Come here.



- How many girls have you macked?

- None.






Now, what's that supposed to be?



It's whatever you think it is.

What does it look like to you?



Like a piece of shit.



He's just being provocative.



Now he's an art critic.



What was this place? A paint factory?



- lnk factory, Dad.

- Strange place to raise kids.



     square feet, supportive

parents. How bad can it be?



And that's why Asher

is a social misfit.



That's it.



Boys! It's time for the Afikomen!



   years. I don't know how you do it.



That's not fair.

He's been through a lot this year.



This year isn't any different.

He's still a ballbuster.



Except this year it's more difficult

for him to enunciate his insults.



When are you gonna learn to ignore

the things you don't like about him



and embrace the things you do?



He loves you.



Well, he sure has a funny way

of showing it.




he's not going to be around forever.



Found it!



A thousand dollars!






One for me, and one for Asher!



Aren't you the lucky boy!



Thank Granny and Pappy

for being so unbelievably generous.



You're welcome, honey.



Hey, my boy!



I wish you and Alex would stop.






They're waltzing, Mitchell!

Look at that.



Isn't that glorious?



I can't remember

the last time we danced.



We're gonna still see

the end of the game.



I thought this night would never end.



- What?

- Uncle Stephen.



Oh, Jesus.






Do you think Asher was stoned?



I don't know. It's hard to tell,

he's always like that.



I don't like what's happening

with him. We're losing him.



Well, he's    honey.



I wish he would talk to us.



I wish both of them would talk to us.



I mean, what's with this? What's

going on in that little head of his?



It's not that complicated.



He's asking for a ten-dollar raise

each week with his allowance.



You don't think this is a bit absurd?



Absolutely. It's a highball number.



That's not what I mean.



I mean our son presented us

with a spreadsheet.



It's not about finances.



It's about our son, both of them,

feeling comfortable talking to us.



We're comfortable.



What do you mean?



Talking. To each other.



Well, yeah. Compared to most couples.



Watch where you're going!



- On your right.

- On your left.



I'm so sorry.

Sir, are you... Are you OK, sir?



- Would you like to sit down?

- How can I help?



Would you like a smack in the kisser?



- Get off of me!

- Sorry.



How was your walk, Mr Gromberg?



I can't figure out

this damn e-mail.



It looks like Eli sent me something,

but I can't figure out how to reply.



Use a pen.



I fell.



Are you all right?



Let me give you

some good advice.



Never get old.



- Hiya, Beccy, sweetheart.

- Hi, honey.



I know you wanna wish Eli good luck

since you can't be here. Here he is.



Eli, you go get 'em, all right?



Thanks, Dad. Here's Mom.



I got all your roses, darling.

It was very extravagant.



Happy anniversary, sweetheart.



Twenty-two years, huh?



Happy anniversary to you, too.

I'll see you later. Bye.



See you tonight.



I love you.



Deb, a little rent strike?



This is not a little rent strike.



This is a goddamned uprising.



You can handle it. Just be yourself.






The knee-jerk liberal who hasn't

been above   th Street in years?



- Seņor Gromberg!

- I gotta go.



So together, we will succeed,



not only in getting your heat

and hot water back on,



- What did you say to them?

- I don't know.



I just asked them how they felt

about hot showers.



I guess they like them.



Whatcha got, man?



You ready for this, man?



C'mon admit it,

you checkin' out my ass.



You like this?

Watch this. Watch this.






You are such a sad boy.



Come here.



Over here.



Excuse me.



I tell you, man,

Punkass hit me with the body.



Looked like a foul to me.



What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in class?



Didn't feel like

going to class today, I guess.



What? I can't cut class?

What about you?



This is your fifth time

this semester.



At least someone's counting.



I couldn't care less

how many classes you cut.



You're the one wasting the tuition,

not me.



Yeah. Looks like I'm gonna have

to cough up another year's worth.



I just got a letter

from the registrar.



They want me to stick around

for another year.



You know, my grades are the pits,

so... whatever.



I'm sorry, Asher.



What'd you expect?



Shit. I'm late. I gotta go.



Give me your hand.



- What?

- Your hand, fool.



What's this?



My digits.



- Call me.

- I will.






This is so high-school.



Are you gonna pretend

nothing ever happened?



Nothing did, you know, happen.



What is that,

the Bill Clinton defence?



I could've sworn something happened.

You know?



Why don't you just finish me off?



Suzie, Suzie, I am so flattered. OK?

But we gotta let this go.



Because the truth is,

guilt is stronger than lust.



I was so proud of you.

You did so good.



Let's put this right here, so Dad

can't miss it when he comes in.






I'm starving.



Dad and I talked about

your allowance request.



We have no problem

giving you more money.



We just wish you'd let us know



a little bit more

of what you're thinking, in words.



- You know what I mean?

- Whatever.



I just want you to know that

you can talk to us about anything.



Anything at all.

Whatever's on your mind.



There's nothing you can say

that will upset us.






Do you and Dad ever   ?



Will it be the usual?



- The usual.

- And for you?



She'll have the usual.



- What's good tonight, Bruno?

- Well, tonight...



Tonight, we have the Osso Buco.

Very nice.



Served with potatoes and broccoli.



We have the veal chop, cooked

in a Marsala wine. Very lovely.



I'll just have the usual as well.



Good decision.



Well, at least I entertain the idea

of trying something new,



a concept that you've never grasped.



Let's do presents.



Maybe there's a job offer

for our oldest son in here?



I could only hope.



Wait a minute, ladies first.



I may be a selfish, money-grubbing

lawyer, but I am still a gentleman.



God knows who you learned that from.



- My mother, of course.

- Of course.



It's on order.



It's got automatic button-holing.

Auto-embroidery. Auto... eroticism.



This little puppy can do everything.



It's called a... uh...



A sewing machine.



Now, wait.

Was this a schmucky thing to do?



You always talked about wanting to

design your own clothes, didn't you?



I did, didn't l?



I don't know when I'll find the time

but I will. I'll make the time.



Open yours.



I think I may be the winner this

year. This is feeling awfully light.






- What did I do to deserve this?

- I have no idea.



Look under the socks.






I thought that we both... could use



a little Florence.



A second honeymoon.



Honey, thank you. Thanks a lot.



Shit. Barney.



- Yeah, well, go ahead. Go take it.

- The hell with him.



I've taken up a new case.



The Martine account wasn't enough?



A pro-bono. I'm working on

a rent strike in Harlem.



Oh, honey. That's the best thing

I've heard you say in months.



What's up?



Let her in, man.



Come on. Walk around.



- By the way.

- What's that?



- It's Katie.

- I know that, sweetie.



I'm just reminding you.



For the morning.



Can I ask you something?



Anything you want, Katie.



Whose number is that?



That? That number right there



is the number for the burn unit

at the Mount Sinai Hospital.



You know, in case it gets

a little bit too steamy tonight.



What the hell's going on here, Alex?



Prostitution, drugs, rock 'n' roll?



We just got a call from Waxman

over at Martine.



How's his lisp these days?



- Have you gone wacko?

- Could you excuse us, please?



Not that I'm aware of, no.



Opposing counsel against a client!



What do you mean?



Do the words "due diligence"

ring a bell?



That project that you just flew into,



with your goddamn pro-bono cape

flapping all over the place,



happens to be owned and run

by Martine.



They're threatening

to switch counsel.



That's a nine million dollar account

for this firm! Nine million!



They are breaking the law, Barney.



- What's this?

- They're called pupusas.



They're from Rosario.



Must I remind you



that our currency does not come

in the form of tortillas!






You have been taken off

the Martine account.



That probably makes the best sense.



Might as well take me off everything.



- What was that?

- Nothing.



Look, Alex, just because you thumbed

your nose at becoming a partner



doesn't mean you don't have

obligations to this firm.



This is too big a screw-up to ignore.



Even for the founding partner's son.




Shit. Dad.



It's Asher returning your call.



Where'd I catch you?



I'm in the library.



What'd they do?

Roll a couple of kegs in there?



No, Dad.

I'm just doing a little writing.



Oh, that's good.



I'd love to read something

you write, whenever it feels OK.



That's, that's fantastic, Dad.

I appreciate that.



How's that...

How's that job-hunt coming?



Dad, I'm late for class, OK?



That's not the reason

I called you.



I wanted to know if you wanted

to go to the game tonight.



I got tickets.

Thought we'd have a couple of beers.



I can't.



I'm talking about the Yankees.

Box seats.



Listen, Dad, I can't go. All right?



I'm sorry. I'll give you a call back.



What the hell?



I'm watching the Yankees!

Turn that thing off!



Let's go.



- Up. We're going to dance.

- Are you out of your mind?



Just about.



That's why you're going to turn off

that box and dance with me.



Off, Mitchell. That's not off.



I wanted to see that game, too.



Hold me.



I am holding you.



No, you fool.



Hold me like you love me.



There. That's better.



It's good, huh?



So, how're you doin', buddy?

Everything OK?



Yeah. Game's good.



I didn't mean just the game.



Food's good.



No, I mean

How's your life going?



Anything you wanna ask the old man?



Now's your chance. And I have

a little bit of experience you know.



Nah, I'm good.



Now batting for the New York

Yankees, number    Robin Ventura.



Bottom of the sixth...



..hit well, right field.

Gibbons makes a sliding grab.



Ventura has hit the ball well

all four times tonight.



One away in the Yankee eighth.



I was thinking a nightgown

in that mercerised Egyptian cotton.



Lots of pictures appear.



Slinky, yeah.



It moved! This is great!



Let me get a pen,

I don't wanna forget this.



I want to write this down.

Wait a minute. Hang on.









Evelyn! Ninth inning. Get in here!



..right back to Julio.



He trots to first, throws a ski

in time. Ball. Game over!



And Baltimore wins.



Lousy game.



They shoulda yanked that pitcher

in the third inning.



That was a big mistake.

A big mistake.



Your bath is ready.



And I'm ready, too.



You can't take a bath

in your clothes.



Get up.



Get up, woman.



No, don't you dare do that.



Get up, woman.



Goddamn, Evelyn, get up!



Well, we were wondering

what happened to you.



I thought you'd give

public transportation a break,



come out with your family today.



- I always take the train.

- I know you like the train.



Somebody woulda picked you up. Or

I would have come and picked you up.



Where's Uncle Stephen?



He's in bad shape.



The doctor wouldn't let him come.



What are all these cars doing

on my place?



They're friends of Mom's,

come to pay their last respects.



When I think of my mother...



I think of her posture,



the way that she carried herself

through life.



She was upright.



With dignity. Always.



And those laser eyes of hers.



Seeing right through you.



One look from her,



she knew what the truth was,

whatever the situation was.



When I think of my mother,



I think of the word, "grace".



That was a word

that was invented for her.



She set the standard...



in loyalty, family pride



and love.



She taught me well,



in what to look for

when choosing a wife.



So, Mom, I thank you.



What the hell are you doing?



I'm gonna pick up some stuff

so I thought I'd take it for a ride.



What's the matter with

your Kraut car?



- It's Japanese.

- Still the enemy.



We're not at war any more. Remember?



They're not the enemy.

They may be yours.



My brother lost his legs

because of the Nazi bastards.



Dad, I know that. All I wanted to do

was just take it for a spin.



Nobody else drives this Chevy but me.






Just keep your precious car.



You shouldn't be driving

a goddamn shopping cart,



better yet a '   Chevy.



Are you all right?



Was everything the way

you wanted it? The service?



Not very religious.



You're standing on one leg.






An old prophet was once asked,



"Can you tell me the meaning

of religion, standing on one leg?"



Well, what did he say?



Do unto others

as you would have them do unto you.



That's my belief.



We must be nice to people.



- And are you?

- God, no.



Did you get the bread?



Do you believe in doing unto others

as you would have them do unto you?






Your father does.



My father believes you do to others

before they do to you.



Sorry, Dad. I couldn't resist that.



Isn't it time you learnt how?



At least, occasionally? T o resist?



- What do you want to eat?

- Fish.



We have white fish, and we have lox.



Fresh fish.



We don't have any fresh.



We have a lake.



Well, why don't you and Alex

take the boat out,



and go catch a fish?



Now? Rebecca, this is ridiculous.



I'll need a partner to row the boat.



You and me both.



Your father needs a partner.



Your father's asking

for your company.



Rebecca, what is the problem?



Fish don't like that.



I got a call from Jim Lindsey

the other day.



What's he calling you about?



He said he saw a guy out here

who was assessing the property.



On your instructions.



So? Testing the market.



Testing the market?



- You're trying to sell the house?

- What do you care?



What do you mean, "What do I care?"

I love this house.



It's got Mom's memories all over.



- Why would you think about selling?

- You never come up here any more.



We used to come here all the time,

and we will again.



Now, why wouldn't you have

the decency of telling me?



Maybe Rebecca and I would like to

take over ownership of the property!



I'm not asking you to give it to me,

Dad. God forbid!



We'd write you a cheque!



Could you chill out, please?



You're scaring my bites, all right?



Don't hold the pole like that.



Oh, no, Dad, let's stop with

the Moby Dick crap, all right?



Just leave Asher out of this thing.



I'm not gonna have you bringing Asher



into what happened to me

when I was growing up.



- Oh, is that so?

- That's so, Dad! Enough!



Your wife died. I've lost my mother.

It's enough, OK?



Everybody, group hug. Come on.



Don't be a smart-ass, OK?

I wasn't talkin' to you.



Stop trying to make everybody cry

with you, man. I'm sick of that!



Some men cry inside.



That's what I'm saying, Pappy.



Not everybody's

a soggy cracker like you.



Oh, shit!



- I think I got a fish, man!

- He got it!



This is a big one, man.



- Look at that thing!

- That's a big one!



It's a big one!



- Where's the net?

- Go ahead.



- Grab it.

- All right, take it in!



- Use your hands! Use your hands!

- I got it, all right?



Take the hook out.



I've got him.

OK, here we go! All right!



What the hell are you doin', man?




Tell me you didn't just...



- What the hell?

- You had it in your hands!



- What's the matter with you?

- I'm sorry, OK?



Let's see if you can get another one.



- Mean brisket, Mom.

- I had nothing to do with it.



What's Pappy doing? Can you see him?



Watching TV.



How can you just sit there?



Go get him.



Not hungry.



I'm sorry about...



..the fish and everything.



If you change your mind,

we'd love you to join us.



I get it all the way into the boat,

but what does my father do?



The guy drops the slippery sucker,




Are you upset about your grandmother?



I'm here.



You wanna talk about it?



No. Not particularly.



I'm really sorry.



Yeah, I know.



What are you doing

after graduation?



Doin' that Eurorail-get-on-the-

train-with-Americans-like-you thing?



I have a job.



Of course you do.



I'm starting at the end of July.

I'm gonna be an editorial assistant.



What about you?



After my fifth year?



I have... no idea.



Can I ask you a personal question?



I don't deal with death very well,




Are you wearing any

exciting undergarments?



Christ, Asher, does death

always make you this horny?



I don't know. This is my first death.



It's my grandfather.

I better get going.



- I'm glad I called.

- Me, too.



I'll talk to you later.



Who was that?



Just a lady-friend.



You schtupping her?



- No, actually. Not yet.

- Why the hell not?



Let me give you a quick pointer.



When you're ready to close the deal,

get up, put on your shoes and leave.



- What do you mean?

- Just what I said.



Put on your shoes

and walk through the door.



That's your pointer?



Mark my words.



She'll come back

when you least expect it.



He thinks he can handle it alone,

but Mom, she did everything for him.



What happens if he has another

stroke, or breaks one of his hips?



What is this? What?



Look what the tooth fairy

left for you.



Oh, Jesus!



I tried to wait, I really did.



I loved your mother very much,

and you did, too.



But she would understand I couldn't

go through the motions any longer!



- Honey, I know this looks bad...

- Bad?!



- But it is not what you think.

- That isn't bad? Oh, bad!



I have been acting like a crazy

person for the last two days,



carrying another woman's panties,



trying to decide

what the hell to do with them!



- Bec, this is nothing.

- Nothing?



Don't tell me it's nothing!



This is definitely something!



Whatever the hell it is,

it's something!



- And it's got lace all over it!

- Nothing happened, all right?



I'm in the soup kitchen

and this woman comes after me.



- I don't want details!

- I'm telling the truth!



Then how did her friggin' panties

end up in your pocket?



I don't know.



All right.



All right, let's say that...

nothing happened,



just like you said.



Did you want something to happen

with this woman, Alex?



Did you?



That's all I needed to know.



I can't do this right now.



I don't expect you to.



But it's out there now. And we're

going to have to deal with it.



Are you OK, little man?



It's so retarded.



It's OK. Don't worry, man.



Mom and Dad will kiss and make up

before tomorrow morning.



As gross as that sounds.



It's not Mom and Dad. It's dancing.









There's a school dance on Wednesday.



It's stupid. I don't get

why anyone would wanna do that.



Isn't your lady-friend

gonna be there?






The one that you wanted to slap

the old Gromberg lip-lock on?






Man. Sixth grade dance!



Spring fling.



Man, if anything's gonna go down

that's where it's gonna happen.



Trust me.

I got your back on that one.



Yeah. Whatever.



She has a nose ring.



The runaway?



That's your girlfriend?



It's Abby, thank you very much.






I'm impressed.



What's wrong with a nose ring,




It's in her nose.



I think I miss her.



Who? The little punk chick?












I miss her too.



In the doghouse?



Don't ask, Dad.



Let's go for a ride.






You can drive.



I had a thought.



What if you and Rebecca

took over the deed.



- Which deed?

- Which deed?



The deed to the house.



You just thought about that?

I wonder what made you think of that?



Pull over.



Dad, if you just hold onto it,

there's a gas station up on Route  .



I don't have to pee.



Please, pull over.



Right here.



You OK?



I met your mother here.



I thought you met in law school.



I met her right there.



Bake sale.



I bought a piece of poppy-seed cake.



Went in to get another,



just to see her again.



I must have had six slices



before I had the nerve

to ask her to go out.



Your mother...



was the best thing...



..that ever happened in my life.



I can hardly breathe without her.



You know,

for thirty years, every Friday,



I took the express

from Grand Central.



You know,

I used to love that train ride.



Spending some time alone with my dad.



Your mother liked to drive up

on her own.



So we'd greet each other fresh

for the weekend.



The train would roll in,



I'd step out...



and there she was,



waiting for me.






Dad, Rebecca and l

are in some trouble.



Did you hear what I said?



Now what did you do wrong?



She thinks I'm having an affair.



With another woman?



Yeah, Dad, with another woman.



It doesn't surprise me.



What do you mean,

it doesn't surprise you?



You never had

a real sense of follow-through.



See? I mean, that's it!



I'm trying to talk to you,



and you can't have one minute go by

without trying to insult me?



I'm just telling it like it is.



Like it is?

Or how you like to see it?



I mean, just because your old man

was a cold-hearted prick



doesn't mean that you and l

gotta be that way.



Why is it that whatever I do,



I always feel like it's not enough?



I always feel like

I'm comin' up short, Dad. Why?



What is that?



Why, Dad?



What, Mom's not here to defend you?

You don't know what to say?



She was always ready to serve you.



- When she was here...

- Stop!



Don't talk about your mother

like that!



I will talk about her any way

I want! Because she is my mother.



And, Dad



you're my father.



Couldn't you just at least have

a little bit of approval



about my life?



Is that really gonna kill you,

just to give me maybe that much?






What do you want me to say?

That I love you?



You know



I'm not like your mother.



I can't say everything out loud.



Doesn't mean I don't.



And I love you, too, Dad.



I'm not always proud of my behaviour.



Nobody is.



And, Alex, you're

a much better father than I was.



But you didn't exactly set the bar

all that high.



Come on. Let's go home.



To the side if you're gonna stop,




Come on, let's go.



- Know what your problem is?

- What's that?



- You're not confused.

- No?



It's painfully obvious that you're...



That I'm what?

Paralysed by the fear of failure?



As long as you're aware of it.

I couldn't sleep at night.



- Oh, no?

- I guess we're different.



- Why do you care?

- Why do I care?



You're acting like a pussy. And l

don't like hanging out with pussies.






What are you doing?



- Wait.

- What's wrong?



Do I have BO? That's not fair.

I didn't get a chance to shower.



- I was running all over the place.

- I just... I don't wanna ruin this.



I'm sorry?



I just think what we have going

is so good. I don't wanna rush it.



- Are you high?

- No.



I just think that we should respect

the connection.



- It's a game!

- No.



I'm serious.



I'll call you later, OK?



Can I call you later?



Are... are you OK, sir?



The usual. Thank you.



Do you wanna get a drink?



- No, I'm good.

- All right, we'll talk to you later.






How come you're just standing here?



How come you look like a banker?



I don't know. My dad bought me this.



I like your bracelets.



Do you?



Or are you making a dick of yourself

being nice to the runaway?



No, I do. They're nice.



- Do you dance?

- Here? No.



But I would get the hell outta here.



So, how did Eli look

for the dance tonight?



If you'd been here to see him off,

maybe you wouldn't have to ask.



A little early for bed tonight,

isn't it?



Excuse me.



How long

are you gonna keep freezin' me out?



I don't know.



I need time. All right?



I am sorry.



I am so sorry.



So am I.



I'm sorry.



And sad.



And exhausted.






Talk to Barney.



- It's my father.

- Better!






If you would just sign here,

Mr Gromberg.



And that should do it.



Your late brother's remains

are now officially in your custody.



My deepest... condolences.



- Thank you.

- Have you...?



I'm assuming you've made

suitable arrangements?



Don't worry.



We will see that he gets

a fitting burial.



What's up, man?






Just waitin' on my muse.



She's a bit tardy this evening, no?



Or should I say, this semester?



She'll be here, man.



- She'll be here.

- Well, as we await her arrival,



how about we do a little drinky-poo?



- Pappy was right.

- What?



Nothing. What's up?



I could hear you all the way down

the lobby. It's really loud.



This is my buddy from down the hall.



Don't be fooled by his fancy

grammar. He's really a slimeball.



Malik, this is Peg.



It's a great pleasure to meet you.



See what I'm saying?



- I thought I'd surprise you.

- It's a nice surprise.



- Chablis     !

- Boxed wine.



I liked the...

the rectangular element.



Take a seat.



So, what have you guys been up to?



- Cramming?

- Yeah.



For what? Chemistry?



Well, perhaps you'd like...



to try an experiment or two?



You wouldn't lead me astray now,

would you?



No. No way.



Welcome to my laboratory.



I wanna get the sodas.



Give me a Pepsi.



- Hey, yeah, look!

- Check it out, over there!



Let's get 'em!



- Well, well, Abby Staley.

- With a pet!



Quick, it's Shea! Let's go.

Out the back gate.



Where the hell did you go? Come here!



Leave me alone!




You don't like me any more, Abby?



- Good kid.

- Leave him alone.



- What, he can't speak for himself?

- I said leave him alone, shithead.



- You believe the language?

- Sixth grade gutter whore.



Did you think I wouldn't find you?



That's your little game?



Leave me alone. My brother

will beat the shit out of you.



- That's for your brother!

- Leave her alone, shithead!



Shit! He broke my Tony Hawk! Damn it!



He broke my goddamn board!



Get up!



Come on.



Let's go!



Are you all right, Shea?

Come on!



Please be careful.



Can you handle it?



I think so.



OK. We'll put him in the bow.



Now watch out for the ledge

right here.



Dad, where's the bow?



No, come...



- All right.

- OK, put him in here.



Shit! My back!



Christ, my back!



What are you doing?

You're gonna hurt yourself.



Well, someone has to do it!



This is absurd.

You know, this is totally absurd.



It is not!



He lived by the sea,

now he dies by the sea.



This is not the sea, Dad. OK?



This is Lake Winnipac.

It's not the Atlantic.



It's a sailor's sky tonight.



He was in the Navy.

He wasn't a Viking.



This is what he always wanted!



This is what he gets!



- We've got neighbours here.

- The hell with 'em!



I'm fine.



He held on for a while, didn't he?



The only way he knew how.



You could have learned

a thing or two from him.



Well, I did.



I learned how to tie

   different ship knots.



The hell with knots!



The man had character.



You could have learned that from him.



I tried to learn that from you.



- I'm getting blisters.

- Let's go over here.



So, how come you hang out with

that asshole, Morgan Cooper?



I don't know. How come

you ran away with that guy?



I don't know.

I thought he was cool, I guess.



- Was he?

- No.



- Where'd you go?

- Cape Cod.



Why'd you come back?



I don't know. I guess I got bored.



Were you homesick?



Hell, no.



I don't know.



Maybe. A little.



- I get homesick when I go to camp.

- That's 'cause camp sucks.



Are your parents as boring and angry,



and always screaming at each other,

like mine?






Do they never talk to you, like mine?



No, my parents

are always talkin' to me.



They ask me questions

whenever they can.



You're lucky.



No, I'm not. You're lucky.



Nah, it's OK.



You really do like it.



How come you haven't

kissed me?






I don't know.



Do you wanna?



I don't know.



'Cause, like, you can, you know.

If you want.



No, thank you.



Police! What's goin' on here, huh?



What's all this noise,

what's all this noise, huh?



Where do you think you're going?



What are you doing?



Spread your legs!



I'm so sorry, Peg!



-..if I find something.

- That's my keys right there!



What have you gotten me into?

What's happening?



No talking.



- Jesus, man! What are you doing?

- I can't believe I trusted you!



- Closet back here?

- No, I don't know. It's not mine.



Yeah, right.



Get this stuff out.



Oh, my God!



- You got a key for this?

- No. I've never used it before.



Get something. Anything.



Open the door lock.



Oh, my God!



Holy shit! Jackpot!



How about this for a noise complaint?



We're lookin' at    years here,

what do you think?



There must be eight plants in here.



I don't want anything to do with you

ever again!



I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to get you in trouble.



I'll do something, I promise.



I can see the headlines now.



"Father and Son Burn Uncle

In Makeshift Viking Funeral."



"Wife and Children Shamed."



Is this legal?



So, what do we do?



We say something? Or?



- It's not about words.

- Sorry. You've done this before!



It's about this man's connection

with the sea.



It's not about you or me

or words of grace.



Push it to the water line.



All right.






When I say "Ahoy",



give it a big shove out to sea.



Aye-aye, Captain.



Sorry, Dad.



We don't have to do this.

You know that.



We're doing it!



We gotta go, Dad. Dad, we gotta go.



You know we could go to jail?



We might be cellmates.



Yeah, hi, honey.






Is he OK? Where is he?



They're processing his papers.

They had to fingerprint him.



He'll probably get off, the sneak.



- The police didn't have a warrant.

- Thank God.



He's always getting off.

That's part of the problem.



It can't go on like this any longer.



Look at us. Can you believe this?



Are you OK?



I'm still here, aren't l?



- I didn't know the shit was there.

- Save it!



Do you realise how serious this is?



I'm so sorry, Dad!



I'm sorry, too, buddy.



Oh, God!



Do you know you could've

gotten up to    years for this?



- I'm such a screw-up!

- You are not.



You are not a screw-up.



Did Pappy have to see this?



I'm so screwed up, Dad.

I don't do shit.



There was this girl who was there.

She didn't do anything.



I don't know where she is,

and she's gonna hate me now.



- This just gets better and better.

- It's OK.



I have to help her.



- I gotta make sure she's all right.

- All right. We'll take care of her.



Don't worry about her.

She'll be all right.



There was no search warrant.



And I've also screwed up

with school, Mom.



I have to go back for another year.



- You're failing your senior year?

- My life is shit!



- You're bright, for God's sake!

- I just couldn't do it.



What the hell can you do?

Sell drugs?



Wait a minute.

Let's face this, all right?



We have all been

in our own little worlds.



It's gonna stop right now.



We're a family.

We're gonna figure this out together.



- Figure what? This and school...

- And everything else. That's right.



You're not a kid any more.



You gotta find out

what is important in your life.



What do you love?



And you let nothing

get in the way of it.



Listen to your father.



He knows what he's talking about.



- Who's calling you now?

- I don't know. Probably a patient.



This is Mrs Hodgson.



Is Eli with you? He disappeared

from the dance tonight.



Is he in there?



You are staying with us tonight.



- I don't want you out of my sight.

- Where should I sleep?



Why don't you sleep

in your old room, with Eli?



We've got a lot of talking to do.

But in the morning.



I couldn't take one more surprise




Good night, honey. I'm goin' to bed.



- Good night, Mom.

- Good night, boys.



What about me?



- What about you?

- Where do I sleep?






What are you doing?



I was getting in bed with my wife.



Are you out of your mind?



Aren't things confusing enough?



We have two kids.

Both of them weird. Very weird, Alex.



One is a drug dealer,

and the other one is...



- What's Eli? He's what?

- I don't know what the other one is!



But, Alex,

do you want to work at this?



- Yes.

- Really work at this?



- Yes, I do.

- Will you see her again?



No, I'm not... I wasn't seeing her.



Look, Rebecca, I got... sidetracked.



You know,

at the office and the soup kitchen.



And I wasn't paying attention.



Life is always

getting in the way of us, isn't it?



The couch.



In the morning,

there are three things you can do.



To get our son a good lawyer.



Find us a marriage counsellor.



And you can wash the dishes...



in our kitchen.



I love you, Bec. Good night.



I love you, too.



What the hell are you doing?






Your mother used to do this.



You gonna be comfortable here?



In the war,

I slept in blood-filled trenches.



Hope you don't mind if I join you.



No. You take this couch.



Still in the doghouse?



Well, Dad,

I thought we'd relive my childhood.



All those nights

when we went camping together.



- Yeah, I remember.

- Yeah. In your dreams.



You were a pain in the ass.



We had a lot of nights out together,

didn't we?



You should've seen him.

He was like seven feet tall.



Huge! Like The Rock.



When he swung his board at me,

I just put my fist right through it.



Broke it in half. A Tony Hawk, too!



And when he got up, he charged at me.



But I just went like this,

and I kicked him in the shin.



Then, I went...



Right in his mug. Laid him out.



Smack in the kisser!



Good night, boys.



how much I love you



How many verses do you know?



It's a lullaby that puts me to sleep.



It's keepin' me awake.



Bro! What's that bracelet all about?



Get that

for taking care of your lady?



- No.

- That's a good thing, buddy.



I wish I had done the same.



I'll never find

I never could hide



I guess I'm not the father

I thought I was.



I got one kid

who could be in the can.



And the other one.



There's something about him,

I don't know what it is.



You know, when we were kids,

Stephen and I,



we got in trouble with the cops.



Really? You never told me. What for?



Selling booze that fell off a truck.



We did OK, too.




I'm thinking about leaving the firm.



I wanna try public office again.



I waited ten years

to hear you say that.






Well, maybe this time

you'll vote for me?



Not a chance in hell.



You're not planning on this

becoming a permanent arrangement?



Don't worry.



The doctor says

I've only got a few good years.

Special help by SergeiK