Jackass Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Jackass script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Johnny Knoxville, Spike Jonze, Bam Margera, Steve-O, etc..  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Jackass. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Jackass Script

            Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.

            Welcome to Jackass.

            Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville

            and I'm about to rent a car.

            What's up?

            Uh, I have a reservation.

            Okay, I need a driver's license and a credit card.

            All right.

            I need a signature here

            that you're going to use your coverage instead of ours.

            Is that white one us?


            We're gonna walk around and inspect it together.

            Looks pretty good.

            I'm just looking for dents and major scratches.


            Something major, gonna write it down.

            Little ding there.


            No, we'll take good care of her.

            Thank you. Have a good week.

            You, too. Thank you.

            I'm Johnny.


            We're gonna be doing

            a hell of a lot of work here today.

            Trust us. We're gonna have fun.

            Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is called the...

              Oh, fuck!

              Shut the car off.

              Oh, fuck!

              I guess we didn't reinforce the windshield.

              That fucker comes... missed me by that much.

              That's why you got the roll bars behind you, dude.

              Whose car is this?

              This is your guys' car.

              I rented it from you earlier.

              Yes. Yeah, wha...?

              Yeah, I hit a dog.

              A dog isn't gonna do that.

              Come on in.

              I had a accident, as you can see.

              I was... I mean, I drink.

              I just black out, so I, um...

              Were you drinking or anything?

              Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.

              Is there any license plates on it?

              There was.


              Well, hopefully you guys will incur some of the cost.

              Oh, no.

              'Cause I rented it from you guys fair and square.

              I don't want to get stuck with the whole charge of it.

              Well, you are going to get stuck with the entire thing.

              Well, I don't think I should.

              I think you guys should help.

              No. You declined any additional coverage.

              Right there. You declined it.

              Yeah, but that's just paperwork, you know?

              It's a legal contract.

              Yeah, but I was a little... I was...

              I had a few to drink when I signed that, too, so...

              We're gonna have to get this worked out.

              Yeah, you're gonna have to pay for that car.

              Well, you're gonna have to help me pay for that car.

              No, we don't do that.

              I returned it with a full tank of gas.

              You returned it demolished.

              Well, it's got a full tank of gas.

              That's the least of our worries right now, is the gas.


              This is an unmitigated outrage.

              I've never seen anything like this before.

              What does that mean?

              No one's ever done that.

              Well, I can't pay for it.

              Well, you're gonna have to.

              Well, I ain't.

              Look, I'm gonna let you two guys work it out

              and I'm gonna go outside

              but, um, that car's gonna have to be paid for.

              "F" you!

              You all right?

              You all right?

              Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.

              This is...

              Oh, it hurts my teeth!

              I can't even turn it off.

              I thought it was supposed to help.

              Okay, you ready?


              Okay, okay, I got it. I'm taking care of you.

              - It's all right. Okay. - Oh, my God, it's so bad.

              It's cool. You cool?

              I'm good. Okay.

              Come on.

              Ease up. Come on. Daddy's gotcha.

              Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad.

              Daddy's gotcha. Come on.


              You're gonna have tits of steel.


              Yeah, you're so buff right now.

              Yeah, this goes on the gooch.

              Yeah, it goes-goes around.

              This goes on the gooch.

              Oh, dude, he's done.

              Who's gonna do the gooch?

              In case you didn't know what the gooch is

              the gooch is the spot

              between your balls and butt hole, and...



              - Ooh! - Does it smell?

              - Does it smell like "man"? - Smell.

              Just smell it. Just smell it.

              Ehren, smell it.

              No, come on.

              All right, let's zap my nuts.

              Yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.

              - Are we ready? - They're so gone, man.


              He likes it! He li...

              He likes it.

              Afternoon. How you doing?


              Son of a bitch.

              What happened?

              Oh, man! Oh!

              Aw, fuck! Oh!

              Well, now the cats are rockin'

              And everyone's feeling all right

              And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight

              Yeah, a fight

              I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight

              Well, now everybody's groovin'

              And everyone's shouting for more


              I say there's gonna be a pool of blood...

              I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight

              We're gonna rip up the chairs

              Tear down the walls

              Smash up the band

              And really have a ball...

              The whole dance hall will be a total mess

              Well, the cats are rockin'

              And everyone is feelin' all right

              All right...


              I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight



              Yes! That was the best thing I've ever seen.

              Tear down the walls Smash up the place

              Really have a ball...

              And the whole dance hall will be a total mess...

              Oh, fuck, dude.


              ...And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight

              Be a fight!

              I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight.

              Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

              Get over here!

              Help him! Help him! Help him!


              No, no, no, no.

              Don't move him. Don't move him!

              Oh, shit.

              That had bad news written all over it.

              Are you okay? You all right?

              That was like the worst thing

              that could ever happen right there.

              John can't drive for shit.

              I don't know what happened.

              I just remember we went in the air

              and the next thing I know I'm... just fucked.

              Look at that cart.

              Dude, you were hauling so much ass.

              We're here in Tokyo, and I feel like partying.

              Hi. I'm Party Boy.

              Oh, can I try this?

              Here we go.

              It's my party music.

              You like it?

              Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?

              Kind of feel like partying right now.


              See, that's what the big ones do

              but sometimes they don't wanna...



              Don't pull on it, man.

              You can't pry his mouth open.

              It's slowly getting weightless.

              Is he over?

              No, you're twisting him!

              You're fuckin' twisting him!

              Oh, fuck! He's-He's got my nipple, dude.

              He's got my fuckin' nipple.

              Wait, wait, wait, he's gonna help you.

              I know. I know. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

              Hang on. Don't move.

              Oh! Ow...

              You little bastard!

              Oh, look at the teeth marks.


              I'm Bunny the Lifeguard

              and if any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming,

              I'm gonna wrestle them down

              and probably have my way with them.

              If he falls and he lands near an alligator,

              an alligator grabs ahold of him, Steve-O will relax,

              let the alligator take him

              and hopefully the alligator will release him.

              Hi. I'm Steve-O, and this is...

              Oh, shit.

              There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O.

              Take another step.

              You got it.


              One thing I know is good tightrope-walking.

              Oh, no.

              Oh, yes.

              You're cool. You're good.

              Put the chicken on him!



              Oh, shit.

              There you go.

              Yeah, there you go.

              Food, food, food, food, food.

              Go back the other way.

              No, keep going, Steve-O.

              Oh, shit! Oh, shit!


              Come on, Steve-O, keep your head up!

              Keep your head up, Steve-O!

              Keep your head up! Keep your head up!

              - You guys, you gotta do this! - Keep your head up!

              Keep your butt up!

              You got it! All right, all right!

              Keep your butt...

              Put it in your ass and let him take it.

              Come on.


              Stick the bone up your ass.

              And let him pull it out.

              Get ready.

              Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.

              It'll be over before you know it.

              Don't look! Don't look!

              Steve-O, don't look.

              Don't look! Don't look!

              Don't move! Don't move!

              Hold still! Hold still!

              He's going to the tail of it.

              Don't look. - Don't look! - Don't move! Don't move!

              I ran straight into a crocodile.

              What the hell.

              Oh, my God.

              Why can't you walk on a tightrope?

              I don't know.

              I thought you'd do it.


              I just... I don't know, man.

              I'm sure I could learn

              but today... you know... today was my first try.

              I'm Bam Margera, and my parents are dead asleep.

              It's   :   right now

              and Phil has to be at work at  :   in the morning.

              So he's trying to get a good night's sleep

              and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.

              I'm dying!

              Holy shit!

              Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.

              Gettin' crazy over here.

              Look at Phil's tummy.

              Oh! Oh, my God!

              Phil, you gotta be up for  :   in the morning tonight.

               :   I gotta be at work.

              Yo, here he comes.

              Here he comes. Here he comes.

              Jesus Christ, Bam!

              I almost broke my leg getting out of there!

              There's shit all over the goddamn...

              How am I going to work now?


              I... oh! Jesus!

              That woman in the corner cold playin' the role

              Leave her ass in the corner till her feet gets cold

              Knowin' for a fact that girl is wack

              If you hold your hand out, she'll turn her back

              Better walk, don't talk, she's all pretend

              Can't be her friend unless you spend


              Wall to wall after all, get ready to throw

              All your money at the bitch

              'Cause she thinks she's so... phisticated

              So... phisticated

              So... phisticated

              So... phisticated.

              What are you doing?

              You know, I oughta arrest you right now

              with all that in your clothes.

              What's wrong with you?

              What are you talking about?

              Get this out of your pocket, man!

              That's all me!

              - All of this! - All of that! That's all me!

              What is this bullshit?

              - What is the meaning of this? - Those are my bananas.

              Don't never come in here no more, man!

              What are you...?

              Get out!

              And take the other stuff out of your pockets.


              Get it all out!

              That's how you treat an old man?

              Get out! Go!

              An old man that steals, I can't believe it.

              Hey, man, what kind of games you play? Get out!

              Get out, man!

              Goddamn it!

              What is wrong with you?

              Get out!

              Man, quit playing!

              I was Lon Chaney's lover!

              Go back and love him!

              So, we're gonna go to this hardware store...

              they sell toilets...

              and, uh, I'm gonna take a shit right in one of the toilets.

              I'm gonna shit my pants

              before we get to that fuckin' place.

              Dave, fight it, man.

              And I don't even want to make a joke about it right now

              because I just want to hold it in.

              Gotta poo?

              Pretty much.

              Really? Yeah.

              Really, man, don't.

              Do you want to ruin everything?

              I swear to God, it's...

              Really? That bad?

              Yeah, like it's a problem.

              Is this the worst you ever had to go boom-boom?

              No, no.

              I shit my pants at the fair.

              Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.

              Get outta the car!

              Oh, get out, dude, get out!

              No shit, get outta here!

              Come on, man, get outta the fuckin' car.

              Get outta the fuckin' car!

              What do I do?

              Did you shit?

              Holy shit!

              I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.

              He just shat everywhere.

              What's wrong, man?

              I had to sit there

              while he shat.

              I need to go home right now.

              It's on my hand.

              Is that a bolt?

              We have very...

              What the hell

              you doing?

              What's that? What are you doing?

              Oh, I'm sorry.

              I'm almost done.

              I hope you didn't take a shit

              in that son of a bitch.

              You take a shit in there

              you get to clean it out, pal.

              That is disgusting, man.

              What a fuckin' "Froot Loop."

              Want to playback?


              What the fuck? What the...?

              Got him, dude.

              Turn around. Let's see it.

              That was so much...

              Oh... no!

              - Yeah. - Look at me.

              That's a good one.

              We're ready.

              I'm Ehren McGhehey, and this is the mousetrap.

              You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse

              You'll be the cat, and I'll be the mouse

              You'll be the cat and I'll be the mouse...

              Go, go, go, go!

              ...You'll be the cat, yeah, I'll be the mouse

              You'll be the cat and I'll be the mouse

              You'll be the cat, baby, I'll be the mouse



              Ow. All right! All right! All right!

              ...You'll be the cat... - Ow!

              Aah! Come on!

              Come on.

              Okay, that's enough.

              That's enough! That's enough!

              I call it! Hey! Time!

              This isn't gonna work.

              It might.

              Wh-What's gonna happen here?

              I don't know

              but it's not quite what's going to be intended.

              Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.

              That's like a Courtney Love-sized maxipad.

              Dudes, this is, like, worse than a hanging.

              I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot.

              Oh, that's funny.

              It didn't work.


              We gotta get another one, man.

              Let's do it again.

              Hey, I'm Raab Himself, and this is Bungee Wedgie.

              Is that your shitty ass, dude?

              Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.

              Didn't give me a wedgie.

              I went forward.

              I can't believe it.

              All right, we're here in the Valley today

              to do our own little riot control test.

              This is George Hruska.

              All right, George, uh, what do you do

              All right, George, uh, what do you do

              and what are we doing here today?

              Well, I'm vice president of operations

              with ALS Technologies.

              We manufacture less-lethal ammunition.

              We're one of the top manufacturing companies

              in the United States

              and we're going to shoot you with one of our projectiles.

              It's called the pen-prevent.

              It's a   -gram, tail-stabilized bag.

              It'll be traveling about     feet per second.

              Is that lethal?

              It's considered less lethal.

              So, this morning I thought I was taking it in the chest

              with the beanbag projectile,

              but George and his company said no way

              'cause if it hits me in the heart,

              I'm pretty much done with, so, uh...

              We want to take every single precaution...


              ...necessary to help protect your vital organs.

              Where are my intestines?

              Are they in that area?

              I think so.



              So you're gonna take some practice shots?


              Jesus Christ.


              You know, this is nothing to be messing around with.

              This is nothing for anybody

              to just be thrown into a.  -gauge shotgun

              and-and, uh, you know, think they could take it.

              You know, that's one of the reasons I'm doing this

              is because I can do this in a controlled state.

              Safety's off.

              Going hot.

              That really hurt.

              That looked like it hurt.

              Oh, fuck, dude.

              Did you see the way

              I caught that beanbag with my stomach?

              That's instinct.

              You can't teach that.


              It hurts so much.

              Like going from a prone position to standing is... ooh!


              Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.

              Oh, my God, my brakes!

              I can't...

              My brakes!

              My brakes! My brakes!

              Stop me! Stop me!

              Stop me!


              - You all right? - That was so fast!

              - You all right? - Yeah.

              You have... Your brakes go out?

              Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.


              Will you push me to the top?

              I wanna do it again.

              I could sure go for a Miller High Life.

              Oh, you're in so much trouble.

              Kick her ass!

              I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.

              Dude, I told you to keep up the left!


              I'm not gonna agree!

              ...seven... eight... nine...


              That's the winner. That's it.

              And the winner.

              And still champion.

              Now pronounce her name.

              Look at his bloody mouthpiece.

              Oh, God, my jaw is, like, two inches to the left.

              I seriously felt all right for a little bit

              until she punched me in the nose.

              I knew she was fighting dirty.

              One, two, three, four.

              Oh, Jesus!

              Go grab the dead kitty.

              Dude, I've fuckin' been in there before, dude. It sucks.

              When the days are short and the nights are long

              And I walk and they walk

              I twist and they twist

              And I shimmy and they shimmy

              And I fly and they fly

              Well, we're out there having fun

              In the warm California sun

              Where they're out there havin' fun

              In the warm California sun

              Where they're out there havin' fun

              In the warm California sun.



              Oh, God!

              I've got your picture

              Of me and you

              You wrote I love you

              I love you too

              I sit there staring when there's nothing else to do

              Oh, it's in color

              Your hair is brown

              Your eyes are hazel

              And soft as clouds

              I often kiss you when there's no one else around

              I've got your picture, I've got your picture

              I'd like a million of you over myself

              I want a doctor to take your picture

              So I can look at you from inside as well

              You got me turning up and turning down

              I'm turning in, I'm turning round

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so

              I've got your picture, I've got your picture

              I'd like a million of 'em over myself

              I want a doctor to take your picture

              So I can look at you from inside as well

              I'm turning up, I'm turning down

              I'm turning in, I'm turning round

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so

              I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

              I really think so...

              Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words,

              I promise I will get my mom to say, "Fuck"

              by the end of this movie.

              Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville

              and we're about to test my rocket skates.


              All right, this is rocket skates, take two.

              This one's gonna be a little more powerful

              than the last one, so...

              Why, these are different bottle rockets?

              No, there's just more of them.


              Oh, fuck!

              What's wrong?

              I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong.

              That's it.

              No more rocket skates.

              Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

              Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh


              - That's the way - Uh-huh

              Uh-huh, I like it

              - Uh-huh - Uh-huh

              - That's the way - Uh-huh

              Uh-huh, I like it

              - Uh-huh - Uh-huh

              That's the way...

              God, this party sucks!

              Hey, my man... wasabi, lots.



              So today, I'm gonna treat myself to some...


              Little circles.

              God, chopsticks are so stupid.

              That looks like a pretty good line, huh?



              Do another one.

              Do another snooter.

              I need a pick-me-up.


              Look out!

              God, get back here!

              I said, "Get back here!"

              Get... Hey!

              My transistor radio comes from far away

              And when it's night over here

              Over there, it's a-breaking day

              I remember all the good times I had a-walking in the sand

              With a beautiful girl that I met made in Japan.

              This is bullshit!






              Hey, Phil!

              Oh, my God.

              Is this thing real?!

              What thing?

              This alligator?!


              Look, look, look!

              Look around the corner!

              What is that?

              Where have you been?!

              Don't you even look? Oh!

              Oh, my God!

              It's moving!

              Look, Phil!

              Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

              I don't know what to do now.

              Aren't you scared to death?!

              Ooh, it's so gross that it's even on the floor.

              I'm going out! I'm leaving!

              Where's my keys?

              That is the scariest fucking thing

              I ever saw in my whole life!

              - I'm leaving. - Don't leave.

              Where the hell you going?

              I'm leaving. I swear to God!

              Phil, seriously, please.

              How are we going to get this thing out of here!

              I'm scared to death!

              Oh, God!

              Aw, man.

              No! No!

              No, I'm not going near it!

              No, no! God, where is it?

              Oh, great! You don't have it, do you?

              He's not there?

              Seriously, is that real?!

              I'm serious. Is it real?

              Is it real?

              - Is it real? - Yes.

              How dare you bring that in this house!

              Dude, dude.

              Ow! Wait a minute!

              Stop! Chill, dude.

              Look at that. He kicked your ass, dude.

              I didn't even get you.

              You got beat up by Wee Man.


              Let me see.

              He didn't even get you.

              Where? I didn't even...

              He didn't even get you.


              Let me see the back of your head.

              It'll be all right.

              I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton

              and today I'm gonna   /   this rail,

              and... or try to.

              So, this thing's long.

              Yeah, thanks.

              Thanks for reminding me.

              You got it.

              I got it.

              I got this.

              Do you know, is he gonna go?

              - Yeah. - Is he gonna go?

              He's gonna go somewhere.

              He's goin'.

              Yeah, he's goin', yeah.

              My impression of Johnny Knoxville.

              Something like this.

              Ow, my face!

              I'm Johnny Knoxville

              and I'm gonna grind this rail.

              Ready, set, go!

              Yeah! Yeah!


              He made it all the way down.

              I can't believe he got that far.

              I can't believe he got that far.

              You made it to the fucking bottom!

              I can't, I can't...

              This is the paper cuts.

              I'm getting paper cuts

              between the webbings of my fingers

              and the webbings of my toes.

              Hold it still. There's no good way to do it.

              Yeah, I know. So just deal with it.

              Take a... take a breath.

              Ow! Ow!

              Oh, you can feel when it goes in.

              Oh, this one works good.

              Gimme the next one.

              Do it. Do it.


              Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.

              Did you hear that?

              - Oh, that was my flesh! - Oh, dude.

              If I do your hand, you'll forget

              about the pain in your foot.

              That is a good point.

              Take a deep breath.


              Lance is trying...

              Are you gonna puke?

              - Watch Lance pass out. - Lance is gonna puke!

              From what, the pepperoni or the paper cuts?


              The pepperoni?

              Is he okay? I don't know.

              Wait, is he all right?

              - Medic! - Hey, don't knock over the beer.

              Are you okay?

              Yeah, I'm good.

              Steve-O, if you want to do some more, do it.

              I'm done.

              Is everybody ready?



              That looks funny.

              Now that sucked!

              God, am I glad I came down

              to see what was going on in this room.


              Wait a minute.

              I know what my fortune is.

              It's partying.

              This is...


              I like big butts and I cannot lie

              I like big butts and I cannot lie

              You other brothers can't deny

              That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist

              And a round thing in your face you get sprung


              I wanna pull up front, cuz I notice that butt was stuffed

              Deep in the jeans she's wearin'

              I'm hooked and I can't stop starin', oh, baby

              I wanna get wit ya and take your picture

              My homeboys tried to warn me

              - But that butt you got makes - Me so horny

              Ooh, rump of smooth skin

              You say you wanna get in my Benz

              Well, use me, use me

              'Cuz you ain't that average groupie

              I want 'em real thick and juicy

              So find that juicy double

              Mix-a-Iot's in trouble, beggin' for a piece of that bubble

              So I'm lookin' at rock videos

              Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like ho's

              You can have them bimbos

              I'll keep my women like Flo Jo

              So your girlfriend rolls a Honda

              Playin' workout tapes by Fonda

              But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

              My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun

              You can do side bends or sit-ups

              But please don't lose that butt

              Some brothers wanna play that hard role

              And tell you that the butt ain't gold

              So they toss it and leave it

              And I pull up quick to retrieve it

              So, ladies, if the butt is round

              And you want a triple-x throw down

              Dial  -   -MIX-A-LOT, and kick them nasty thoughts

              Baby got back

              Baby got back.

              Oh, honey, it's been a while.

              It's a little too much.


              Irving, you think you can do it?

              You want a spot?

              No, I got it. I got it.

              You got it? Yeah, yeah.

              If you need a spot, just give me a call.


              What's the quickest you ever knocked anyone out?

              I hold the California state record.

              It's like    seconds, including the-the   -count.

              I took it to the jaw, I took it to the jaw

              One, two, three, there was never a doubt

              We want fun, and you might as well face it

              We want fun, yeah, you better believe it

              We want fun, no, you don't understand

              Fun, fun, fun, fun, make your demands

              We want fun and we can taste it

              Yes, everybody get wasted!

              I think you're gonna break that today.

              I'm Johnny Knoxville.

              And I'm Butterbean.

              Today, we're gonna do a little boxing.

              All right, you guys,

              touch gloves and come out fighting.

              Get up!

              Aw, man.

              One more time.

              This is the last time you're kicking my ass.

              One more time.

              More pain. That's it.

              You haven't even hit me.

              Hit me once, at least.

              There you go.

              He's out.

              Is Butterbean okay?

              Look at this.

              And by knockout in the first round...

              new champion, Butterbean!

              Whoo! Yeah!

              Where we going, Knoxville?

              The hospital.

              What the hell are we doing that for?

              I don't know.

              Apparently, I have a big gash in my head

              and I think I'm a little concussed.

              Are you giving me a shot?



              Are you okay?


              - We got one more to go, buddy. - Yes, sir.

              Then you're a free man.

              Thank you.

              You're gonna be not feeling great

              the next    hours.

              - Thank you, Dr. Cooper. - Okay.

              You'll probably see me in two or three days.

                Hey! Hey!

                Goddamn it!

                What are you doing?

                Hey! Get off, man!

                - What's going on here? - Get off!

                Get off!

                We're in Okinawa

                and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks

                but first...

                we need to go rub one out.

                Well, I made the mistake of showing them

                what sea cucumbers do when they're threatened

                and that is, you know,

                as soon as something touches them,

                these white threads come

                out of the end of it

                and, uh, Steve-O and Chris thought it was a great idea.

                So, they're out there trying to, uh...


                ...masturbate, yeah.

                So, anyway, I-I apologize.

                This is the...

                With a simple shave of the razor

                Steve-O easily disguises himself...

                to fool the whale sharks into thinking

                he's a harmless young boy.

                I am pretty nervous about my wiener

                around that whale shark; I really am.

                Now, the best way to think of the whale sharks

                they're like big puppy dogs. Uh...

                Sometimes puppies bite.

                Puppies, they have little teeth.

                They have little teeth. Little teeth.

                You're gonna get a gummer.

                All right.

                So, it's kinda like being with a gal with no teeth.

                - Kind of, yes. - Yeah.

                So right below in these waters,   -foot whale sharks

                are waiting to eat these freakin' shrimp

                out of our crotches.



                Oh, they kind of... they pinch.

                Are these alive?


                They don't feel good on the way...

                You're part of this.

                Look at this shrimp.

                I guess I don't really have any last words.

                I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.

                Come on, baby, let's do the twist

                Come on, baby

                Let's do the twist

                You look fine, yeah

                When you go like this

                Tell me, baby

                Have you seen my sis?

                Tell me, baby

                Have you seen my sis?

                She knows how to rock

                And do the cha-cha twist


                Hey, cha-cha-cha

                Whoa, baby, cha-cha-cha.

                My penis is really small now.

                I can't really look cool right now.

                Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.

                This is the tidal wave. Go.

                How'd it look?

                It looked good.

                You just got... creamed.



                I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like...

                unless I'm pretty sure

                that people are gonna laugh every time they see it.

                Oh, my God, dude.

                Like, how do you perform

                the fuckin' world's dumbest tattoo?

                Fuck, man, at least I don't have to look at it, right?

                My name is Henry Rollins and this is...


                Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

                This is really gonna fuck you up!

                Prissy motherfucker!

                It's a total smiley face, dude.

                Oh! Oh!

                I just fully got a haircut just, like, a week ago.

                You're about to get many more.



                Yeah, me, too.

                I am not doing it.

                Look at Ehren.


                Oh, shit!

                So, we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan.

                We're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks.


                Let's go, dude.

                Roll back there, just a bit.

                Oh, no! This is a bad angle.


                Oh, no, no, no.





                Like, an ember fell right in my corn hole, dude.

                All right, Johnny's double-knotting it.

                Double knot it, but gently.

                You may think this next stunt is impossible.

                You gotta squat a little, Pontius.



                Every time!


                Is Chris's dick shorter or...

                Yeah, it's a little shorter.


                Keep it in! Hold it!


                It almost hit Loomis in the face.

                Goddamn, this is the...

                Let's get fucked up...


                ...Let's get fucked up...


                ...Let's get fucked up... What a dumb-ass idea.

                ...Let's get fucked up...

                I'm surrounded by cacti.

                For fuck's sake.


                It's cacti!

                It's cactus.

                Whatever it is, it hurts.

                You wanna get up and cross?

                This is the yellow snow cone.

                Pack it in there nice and tight.

                Little cold out here.

                It might take a second.

                Oh! There we go.

                I'm not even worried about the pee.

                I'm just worried about...

                Come on, you're missing the cone, dude!

                I'm sorry.

                You're missing the cone!

                You better eat that whole thing, too.

                You gotta go eat that spot, too.


                Enjoy the snow cone.

                Aw, you just wasted a whole bunch!

                Dude, get that whole mouthful right there.

                Keep going!

                Keep going!

                - Eat it! - Come on, it's your pee.

                Oh, come on.

                I'm trying. It's so cold.

                Swallow it! Swallow it!

                Oh, God.

                Eat it!

                Swallow it!

                - No, no, don't... - Oh, no, no. Oh, no puking.

                I'm doing it!

                Don't look at it.

                Dude, it's dripping out the bottom.

                Will you catch that, what's dripping out the bottom?

                Oh, my God!

                Oh, my God!

                Oh, that was bad.

                That sucked!

                Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.

                This is totally better.

                What are you doing?

                Are you starting

                to lose your mind on that shit?

                Bam, stop it!

                Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.


                He's starting to lose it!

                Jesus Christ!

                Ape, I need toilet paper!

                Ape, I need toilet paper!

                Okay, this is called the...

                When people tee off

                when they're coming down with their swing,

                we're gonna blow these air horns.

                Here she goes again.

                No. It's another one?

                She still hit it pretty good.

                What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

                That I'd come over here and kick your ass.

                Here, you lost your club. Sorry.

                Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here

                and kick your ass for that?

                But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.

                - You got bursitis? - Yeah.

                So, that means you gotta play with a horn?

                It helps.

                I'll give you something to play with, pal.

                Sorry. It won't happen again.

                - Oh, fuck! - He's teeing off!

                Get down! Get down!

                Oh, shit!

                Get back. Get down, get down.

                Watch this! Wait. Wait.

                Oh, these things are scary.

                I'm Bam Margera.

                I'm Johnny Knoxville.

                And we're gonna be burglars today.

                Oh, God!

                Fuck! Get the diamonds!

                Dude, I told you not to fall off the damn beam.

                Turn around!


                Aw, holy fuck!



                Oh, fuck!

                You all right?

                You okay?

                I'm good. I'm good.

                What'd you think happened right there?

                It's embarrassing.

                I was barely halfway through the ceiling

                and you were already out the door.

                You're a real sprinter.

                Guys in masks, I'm out.

                I don't play. I don't play.

                Is there any actual, like, real reason...

                why anyone would shove something up their ass like this?


                I'm claiming predictions for this event.

                Where's Ryan?

                Are you going to make them?

                Number one, it's not getting in there.

                Number two, even if it does, it's not staying in there.

                Definitely no sitting down happening.

                Number three, there's no way

                they're gonna believe that this is true.

                So, you're saying it's...

                I'm saying there's nothing I want more

                than for this to happen, but...

                You don't want it to happen that much.

                No, I really do.

                This is our original talent for this piece, by the way.

                Yep. I think that...

                It's one of the first things I think

                I've ever seen you duck out on.

                Oh, man, I am so glad I turned this idea down.

                I'm so glad.

                Oh, yeah.

                I'll probably use all of this before the end of the segment.

                Uh... what else we got?

                A condom.

                Thank you.

                And, um, a little toy car.

                Blue, it's my favorite color.

                Let me see that. Dangle it.

                Look at the reservoir tip.

                Now I'm lubing up...

                I can't see the car.

                ...the little toy car,

                because I'm going to put it in my butt.

                Be comfortable.

                Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.

                You're here for making it a problem.

                All right, you're gonna watch this?

                You're making me uncomfortable.


                I gotta get another job.

                Lube up your corn hole.

                I am. I'm spackling.


                Heart rate's going up for sure!

                Oh, dude, it hurts.

                Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?

                There's no getting around it, it fucking hurts like hell.

                Come on in, Manny.

                You're just in time, Manny.

                Oh, Manny... tell me I'm a man.

                Man, it feels so goddamn gross.

                This is insane, man.

                This is... this is totally insane.

                - It's in. - It's in, dude.

                - It's in? - Yeah.

                - Let's see. - Oh, fuck!

                I feel like I have to shit my ass.

                Is there anything intact?

                You said that you didn't want to do it

                because your dad would disown you?

                Well, I mean, it wasn't that.

                You drank wine off of a dude's ass crack.

                My dad never saw that.

                I never told him that... you know.

                I was gonna do this and I was like, "Dad"...

                I was, like, "Dad, we're going hard these days

                and there's some ideas floating around."

                I just mentioned the car in the butt.

                My dad, like... the only time in my life

                I ever heard my dad, like...

                You know, it's like when your parents say,

                "I'm not mad at you; I'm just disappointed," you know

                like, that hurts so much more, you know?

                Fucking rad.

                Look at him walk.

                John's gonna win, dude.

                I'm not too excited about this skit.

                It's not my favorite I've ever done,

                because there's a toy car in my butt

                but this is the...

                I think I need an X ray.



                How you doing?

                Pretty good.

                I'm Ryan, and this is...

                What can I do for you?

                I was partying last night with some frat guys.

                I passed out.

                I must have fallen down or broken something,

                because I haven't been able to walk right since.

                We're gonna take X ray now, to be sure.


                - Take one of those. - Oh, okay.

                This is comfy.

                Hold your breath. Don't move.

                What's that?

                I have no idea.

                That's not part of you.

                That's something extra.

                I would've known if I ate that.

                No. You wouldn't be able to swallow that.

                That is a car toy.

                Well, how did a car toy get there?

                Maybe you stuck it up your ass.

                I didn't stick anything up my ass.

                Have you ever seen anything like that?

                No, I never seen that in there.

                I've seen a toy car all over

                but never in somebody's rectum.

                You can't get it out? You don't have...

                No, I... I'm a physician,

                but I practice this, X ray only.

                You think maybe I can just, you know, poop it out?

                You won't be able to poop it out.

                In fact, it will hurt you.

                I fact, I don't think it's even good for you

                that you poop it out.

                What will happen if you take Ex-Lax?

                Will that help?

                No, if he takes Ex-lax,

                well, he gets a lot of diarrhea but no car.

                I appreciate it.

                Thank you for taking care of me.

                Okay. Thanks again.

                Oh! He's alive.

                Oh, Johnny Knoxville, he made it!

                Oh, there is a God.

                Oh, please.

                And at last!

                I thought it would never...

                This is the end!

                Oh, thank you, Jesus!


                Oh, child!

                Oh, child!

                - Let's see it! Let's see it! - Not that bad.

                Moments like this never last

                When do creatures rape your face

                Hybrids opened up the door...

                Ooh, baby, when you cry

                Your face is momentary

                You hide your looks behind these scars

                In hybrid moments

                Give me a moment...

                Oh, fuck!

                ...Give me a moment

                - Oh, fuck! - Give me a moment

                Ooh, baby, when you cry

                Your face is momentary

                You hide your looks behind these scars

                - In hybrid moments - Bam? Whoa!

                - In hybrid moments - Ha!




                In hybrid moments, in hybrid moments...

                Give me a moment

                Give me a moment...

                Whose dick do I gotta suck

                to get some explosions around here?

                I can't expect you to see me when I'm not around

                And my voice is destroyed by confinement of sound

                I'm a human machine laced with hidden disease

                If the future looks bleak, then you're connected to me

                Flesh into gear

                My self appears dissected and pretentious

                A simple sound, a heavy sigh

                Could win the whole world over

                You live in fear of being someone you didn't want to

                He's got a boner.

                I realize your insecurities will get the best of you.

                Oh! Oh, fuck!

                It's a man.



                Whoa! Ow! Ow!

                Gator wrestling.

                For fuck's sake, come here!

                Hurry up. Hurry up.


                We wanted to see if you would run here

                with a car up your ass.

                Oh, I ain't runnin' anywhere.

                It's scary enough to walk.

                You're nice.

                You're a good man.

                Want to come over for dinner?

                Oh, that's okay.

                You know how to operate it now?

                Yeah, I think so. I think so.

                If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...

                - I need help. - Yep.

                ...When you get knocked down, you gotta get back up

                I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer

                But I know enough to know

                If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...

                The smiley face is a complete crucial.

                ...I lit my brain with rotgut whiskey...

                What did I say?


                I didn't say the "F" word.

                Yeah, you did. You said, "Fuck."

                - I did? - Don't worry, we'll bleep it.

                Can we cut that out?

                ...And I had dudes with badges frisk me...

                It looks fine. It looks normal.

                ...To teach me how to swallow pride

                I took advice no fool would take...

                I think it says, "Fuck," on my forehead.

                ...I got some habits I can't shake...

                They don't have a tail?

                No! They must have taken them out.

                ...I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer

                But I know enough to know

                If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...

                Show him the X ray.

                ...lf you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough

                When you get knocked down, you gotta get back up...

                I mean, trust me, dude, I'm not unimpressed.

                ...That's the way it is in life and love

                If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough

                If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.

                Aw, fuck!

                The next time, we can do...

                Son of Jackass.



                Yeah, dude.

Special help by SergeiK