The Jerk Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Jerk script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Jerk. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

The Jerk Script



I am not a bum.



I'm a jerk.



I once had wealth...






...and the love of a beautiful woman.



Now I only have two things...










My story?






It was never easy for me.



I was born a poor black child.



I remember the days...



...sitting on the porch with my family...



...singing and dancing...



...down in Mississippi.



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Gonna jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Me and my buddy gonna

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Me and my buddy gonna

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Me and my buddy gonna

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Me and my buddy gonna

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Oh, lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Gonna get on my knees

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna get on my knees

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Gonna move all around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna move all around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "You want a barebacked man

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "You want a barebacked man

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Jump down, turn around

- "Pick a bale a day"



Boy, I hope everybody's good and hungry.



- I know I am.

- And I'm ready for that.



Here's corn bread.



Collard greens.

And I cooked up those hog maws you like.



Mother, dear,

ain't we forgetting something?



No, I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.



Happy birthday!



It's Navin's birthday!



And I cooked you up your favorite meal.



Tuna fish salad on white bread

with mayonnaise...



...a Tab and a couple of Twinkies.



- Here, darling.

- Mom, thanks.



You're gonna like that shit, man.



I got you a present.



- Gee, Elvira.

- I made it myself.



We got you something, too. A half bottle

of lilac vegetal. It's from both of us.



I drew you this picture.



- Here.

- Thank you.



I want you to have my Zippo.



Dad, you had this since the war.






Thanks, everybody.



God bless us...









Will you pass me the potatoes

and the collard greens?



- Navin, darling.

- I'm sorry I spoiled the party, Mom.



You didn't spoil the party.



I brought you a Twinkie.



I'm not hungry right now.



Feeling different again?



It's like I don't fit in.

It's like I don't belong here.



It's your birthday, and it's time you knew.



You're not our natural-born child.



I'm not?



You were left on our doorstep...



...but we raised you

like you were one of us.



You mean I'm going to stay this color?



I'd love you if you were the color

of a baboon's ass. Come here.



Navin, I wrapped your sandwich

in cellophane, just like you like it.



You want to come in and sing some blues?



No, thanks, Taj.



There's something about those songs.



They depress me.



Come here, darling.



That's it, darling.



You're getting the rhythm. See?



And that concludes

this Sunday night Gospel Hour...


            from the

Four Square Gospel Church...


            the Divine Salvation

in St. Louis, Missouri.



The Reverend Willard Willman, Pastor.



And now, music throughout the night.



Music in a mellow mood.



- Grandma!

- What happened?



- Look!

- What happened?



Don't touch that radio! Don't touch it!



Turn it up! Turn it up!



I've never heard music like this before!



It speaks to me! Taj! Dad!



This is unbelievable. Now watch.






Well, if this is out there,

think how much more is out there!



This is the kind of music that tells me

to go out there and be somebody!



- But Navin...

- Let him go.



Now that you're going out into the world...



...there's something you should know.



- You see that?

- Yeah.



That's shit.



And this is Shinola.









Son, you're gonna be all right.



Now, what town

are you gonna try for first?



I thought I'd go to St. Louis 'cause

that's where that radio show was from.



And remember,

the Lord loves a working man.



- "Lord loves a working man."

- And son...



...don't never, ever trust Whitey.



"Don't trust Whitey. Lord loves

a working man, don't trust Whitey."









Pierre. Come here.



Don't you forget to grow up now.



- Good luck, brother.

- Send me a picture postcard.



Okay, let the boy go.



- Bye.

- We got work to do.



And I hope you find

whatever it is you're looking for.



I will, Ma. I know it's out there.



It's out there, all right. If you catch it,

see a doctor and get rid of it.



- "See a doctor and get rid of it."

- Good luck.



"Lord loves a working man.

Don't trust Whitey.



"See a doctor and get rid of it."



Bye, Grandma!



I sure do miss Navin.



Is he ever coming back?



Take away his place setting.

It's making us too goddamn sad.



I wonder if he's doing all right?



Navin! How you doing?



Don't worry about me.

I think I see a car coming.



No, wait. It's a truck!






...take care of our little boy.



- I'm hitchhiking.

- How far you going?



St. Louis. How far are you going?



To the end of this fence.






I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?



- Here we are.

- Okay.



Thanks for the company.



I hope I can repay you someday.



Well, what is it, boy? Are you lost?



Do you want to play? Is it trouble?






Is it an accident?



A drowning?



A fire?






We've got to warn everybody!



I've heard about dogs like you.

You're going to be famous!



You're going to get your picture taken,

and they'll put it in the paper!



This is exciting!



You saved my life!

Come on, let's warn everybody!



Fire! It's a fire! Fire! There's a fire!



Everybody! Up! Wake up! It's a fire!



It's a fire!

This dog, he's saving everybody's life!



He's unbelievable! He's some dog!

He's a lifesaver!



That's what I'll call him, too!

OI' Lifesaver! That will be your name!



Folks! False alarm. There's no fire.



Mister, don't call that dog "Lifesaver."



- No?

- Call him "Shithead."



Good. "Shithead."



It's exciting.



It's just exciting to have

this kind of life on the road.



A guy and his dog.



St. Louis?



No. Navin Johnson.



No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?



- Okay, thanks.

- Hop in.



This'll be fine right here.



Thank you.



- Where you going?

- To the bathroom.



- Got to have a key.

- Can I get one?



My key is for customers who buy gas.



I'm buying gas.



I don't see no car.



I just need enough for my lighter.



Look at this!



And my wife wanted me to stay home.

Look what I would've missed.



A complete fill-up for a whole lighter?



- It's on that wall.

- Thank you.



- And don't walk away with it.

- I won't.






Silver Bird, I'm talking to you!



Listen, you want to be

president of Texaco Oil?



- Sure!

- Then clean up the sink in there.



Then I'll be president of Texaco Oil?



Whatever happened

to working your way up?



Working for me    minutes, and already

he wants to be president. The nerve.



Get to work in there!



But, sir, I don't work here.



Not even for $ .   an hour?



"Dear Folks, I got this greatjob

in a gas station.



"I don't want to say

how much I'm getting...



"...but let'sjust say it's a lot!



"I'm enclosing $ !"



That's a good boy!



"It's a lot of fun working,

and Mr. Hartounian is really nice.



"He's teaching me how to be impatient.



"Well, I've got to go now. What do you

think I do, write letters all day?"



- You actually sleep here?

- Yes. Is that okay?



Come with me.

I got a beautiful little place for you.



Put the light on.

You're going to like it here.



Like it? I love it! This is fabulous!



You got the toilet here!



This must be the kitchen. No.



You know what I could do...


            take this wall

and just turn it this way...


            I've got a larger living space...


            it'll create a flow into

the main living area. It'll be incredible.



No, I'll just elevate this about six inches...



...create the illusion of two rooms,

and yet still have that flow.



Then I can take bookshelves

and put it here.



No, I'll put the books right over here.

That way I can be relaxing over here...



...the customers can use the urinal. I won't

disturb them, they won't disturb me.



Take it easy. It's not here. It's in here.



I couldn't afford this anyway.



Well, this is it.



It's perfect!



I won't have to change this at all!



Take a look.



No kitchen, no windows,

no chairs, no tables.



It's a masterpiece of understatement.



I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.

I'll bring some sheets from the house.



You'll be set for life.



How much is this gonna cost me?



Nothing. When you're rich and famous,

you'll send me a postcard.



A postcard?



Okay! It's a deal.



It's a deal.



What are those?



Step outside for a second, darling.



Navin, this is my wife Lenore.

Lenore, this is Navin.



Pleased to meet you.



Do you know why a woman

of such pulchritude is married to me?



'Cause I make a comfortable living.



This is the first time

I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday.



If anything should happen to this station,

this woman would leave me like a...



In other words, there would be no more...



- Do you know what I'm talking about?

- Yes, sir. No more...



So remember,

guard this station with your life...



...because my sex life is in your hands.



I can fix those shocks.



No. We just want some gas, muchacho.



Okay. But it's Sunday.

We've got to have a credit card.



And all the cash is locked up?



No, not locked up. We got a lot of cash.

Just that the banks are closed...



...and I'm not allowed to have cash

coming in or out.



I'm alone for the first time.

I don't want anything to happen.



You flash this kind of wad in front

of some people, they'll kill you for it.



So, we've got to have a credit card.



Have we got a credit card in there?



Credit card.



No, thanks. I don't smoke.



- What kind of cigarette is that?

- Joint.






They don't make 'em very good.



- MasterCharge do?

- That's fine. We take MasterCharge.



You want a fill-up, Mrs. Nussbaum?



I'm Mr. Nussbaum.



Yeah, that's his wife's card.



- His wife's card?

- Yeah, I'll vouch for him.



Okay, as long as we got a voucher.






I got it! Just send a police car over.



Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card!

I got the guys who stole it.



Hold on, they're calling me!

I'll be right back!



- Yes?

- Yeah, throw a couple of tires in the trunk.



Put it on the card. Radials.



- Make them whitewalls.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.



I'm back, only it's worse than I thought.



They're not only sticking us for gas,

but grabbing tires and everything.



They're really socking it to us.



Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station

at the corner...



Hang on a second.

I don't want to get 'em suspicious.



Don't worry, I can keep 'em here.

I saw this trick in a movie.



- Got your tires!

- Yeah, good.



- Anything else?

- Yeah.



We'll take that money

you got in your pocket.



Sure. I'll just put it on the card.



Guess what!

You're our eighth customer today!



You won a free oven mitt!



I'll go get it for you.



Yeah, I'm back.



Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while.

Don't worry. I've rigged it.



You guys want to stick around

for an oven mitt?



Hang on just a second.



They might not be here

exactly when you get back but...


           's a blue Chevy two-door.



And it'd be going south on Hertado Street.



No, I can't make out

the license number, but...


           'd be pulling a small church.



Any blue Chevy pulling a small church

I figure that'd be the one, yeah.



Believe me, I'm not mad at you.



What's the matter with you?

What did I lose, a couple of tires?



Look at the bright side.

We also lost a church.



Mr. Hartounian.



Oh, my God!



Thank you.



The new phone book's here!



I wish I could get that excited

about nothing.



Nothing? Are you kidding? Page   !



"Johnson, Navin R."



I'm somebody now! Millions of people

look at this book every day!



This is the kind of spontaneous publicity...



...your name in print, that makes people!



I'm in print!



Things are going to start happening

to me now.



"Johnson, Navin R."



Sounds like a typical bastard.



Die, Navin R. Johnson.






Random son of a bitch,

typical run-of-the-mill bastard.



- Fill 'er up?

- Fill 'er up and a little bit extra.



- Stan Fox, buying gas.

- Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir!



Gotcha, you average...



...typical blocking-the-view-

of-a-goddamn-average-victim bastard!



- Check your oil?

- Check away, Navin R. Johnson.



Oil rag at the ready, sir!



- Let's check the oil together.

- Yes, sir.



Thank you.



Son-of-a-blocking bastard!



Looks good to me, sir,

but I'd like your opinion.



Damn these glasses.



It looks good to me, too.

Hurry up. Time's a wasting.



I'm going to the john. Don't forget

to check those tires. Damn these glasses.



Yes, sir! I damn thee!






Damn these glasses!



- I can fix those glasses.

- You can?



Well, here, fix those suckers!






Guess what? I fixed 'em.



I was back there thinking...



..."What causes glasses to slip on and off?"



And it's because

when you take them on and off...


           're putting pressure on the frames.



It causes them to spread.



So I put a little handle

right here in the center...



...that puts the pressure on the bridge.



Just like the tie rods on a '   Buick.



Plus, I put a little nose brake on here

to prevent slippage. Try it.



Use the handle.



Well, I'll be.



It works.



I make a pretty good living

selling shit like this. I'll tell you what.



If I can develop this gizmo,

I'll split it with you fifty-fifty.



How much for the gas?

I got a load of shit to sell.



- $  .  .

- Here's a triple dix. Keep the change.






Dead center! Say your prayers, half-breed!



Harry! Look at this!



What's the matter with these cans?



Die, milk-face!



These cans are defective.

They're springing leaks.



Come and look at this.



You better run for cover

or you'll spring a leak.



We don't have defective cans.

We have a defective person!



He hates these cans.



Stay away from the cans!



Die, gas pumper!



I've got to get away from those cans!



There's cans in there, too!



Run! Run!



More cans!



Die, you bastard!



He doesn't want to put holes in cans.

He wants to put holes in you.






Milk-faced bastard!



Oh, my God! I'm endangering your life!



- Cover me!

- You're covered.



Suck my toes!



You stay here! I'll distract him!



Shithead! Come on!



Come on, boy! Good boy!



"Carnival personnel only." Damn!



Shithead, come on!



You're not carnival personnel!



He's not carnival personnel!



Okay, move it out!



"So, Mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian

I'd come back, he said:



"'Don't be a putz.



"'See the world. Me you've seen already.'



"I took his advice and got a job with

SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser.



"Frosty, my boss, told me

there's a big future in weight guessing.



"Enclosed is $ .   for my loving family.



"P.S. Is grandma still farting?"



For $  I'll guess your weight,

your height or your sex.



The most exciting thing on the midway.



Imagine the thrill of getting

your weight guessed by a professional.



You can blow up your cheeks,

you can stick out your chest...



...but you're not going to fool the guesser!



How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!



Honey, let's see how good this guy is.

Now, what do I win?



Anything in this general area right in here.



Anything below the stereo and

on this side of the bicentennial glasses.



Anything between the ashtrays

and the thimble.



Anything in this three inches

right in here, in this area.



That includes the Chiclets,

but not the erasers.



No, sir! Come on, honey.



He thought he had himself a rube.



Frosty, I'm no good at this.



Come on. You're doing fine.



I've already given away eight pencils,

two hula dolls and an ashtray...



...and I've only taken in $  .



Navin, you have taken in $  ...



...and given away    cents worth of crap!



Which gives us a net profit of $  .  .



It's a profit deal.



Takes the pressure off.



Get your weight guessed right here!

Only a buck!



Actual weight guessing! Take a chance,

win some crap. Step right up...



Ladies and gentlemen...



...I draw your attention now

to the left side ofthe midway.



Presenting the amazing Patti Bernstein...



...doing her special ride...



...through the Flaming Wall of Death!



Want to guess my weight, Greenie?



I saw you last night. You were great.



Yeah, right. Turn around.






Turn around.



Go like this.



You're okay.

Give me a bite of that corn dog.



What about germs?



Put a rubber on it.



Get on.



Don't you wear him out!

He's got to work tonight.



What a great place!



You know, you can tell so much

about a person from the way they live.



Just looking around here, I can tell...


           're a genuinely dirty person.



What do I do with this?



You keep it there.



Where's your garbage?






- Do you know what I'd like to do?

- What?



Guess your weight.



That would be interesting for me.



No one has tried to guess my weight.



- I guess their weight so it would be sort...

- Put your arms up.



This will give me

a whole different perspective on this.



You're really trying to be accurate.



Is it getting hot in here?



Wait a minute!



What's happening to my special purpose?



What's your special purpose?



When I was a kid, my mom told me

that was my special purpose...



...and someday I'd find out

what that special purpose was!



Today's the day!



This is like a ride!



"My dear family, guess what?



"Today I found out

what my special purpose is for.



"Gosh, what a great time I had.



"I wish the whole family

could have been here with me.



"Maybe some other time...



" I intend to do this a lot...



"...every chance I get.



"I think next week

I'll be able to send more money...



" I may have extra work.



"My friend Patti promised me a blow job.



"Your loving son, Navin."



And he's got the kisses here.



- That Patti must be a sweet girl.

- God bless her.



Do you think we'll get to know each other

well enough to kiss?



We don't have to. You're my man.



It's like we're married. Look at my ass.



You have my last name tattooed

right there under the J's.



First I get my name in the phone book,

and now I'm on your ass.



You know, I'll bet more people

see that than the phone book.



End of the line.



This is Engineer Fred.

Come back and visit me again.






Have you seen a  -year-old boy, blond hair,

wearing a T-shirt that says "bullshit" on it?



No, there was just one kid had a T-shirt

that said "life sucks" on it.



We got off the Round-Up,

and he said he wanted to go on the train.



There he is! Billy!



- Come back here!

- Get off the train.



Pull that lever! Pull the lever!



Here, hold that! And these!



Take my keys. And hold my wallet. Okay.



Don't touch the Johnson bar,

you'll explode the fuel casing!



And if the Wolfe and Smith

indicator gets above    ...



...turn that off there.

- I can't take you here anymore.



There's a screwdriver.

Put it in, turn it one quarter.



Listen, we're going into a tunnel.



Don't stand up.

The clearance is only   foot...



- No.

- I'm okay.



I was protected by the bill

of my Engineer Fred cap.



Thanks for pulling my cap down.



You scared me half to death.

Thank you so much.



It would've been so embarrassing

to go home without Billy.



Here's your gloves

and your oil can and your wallet.



And this fell out.



Those guys!



Listen, what you did just now

was very brave.



Is there some way I could repay you?



Repay me?



I could never accept anything from you

for saving your child.



He's not my child.

I'm just baby-sitting for a friend.



- Would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?

- No.



He's a real little dickens.



Thank you.






I was just standing here right now,

and I was...



...wondering, if you weren't

doing anything tomorrow...



...maybe you might want to go out with...






I thought maybe you might

want to go out with me.



Are you trying to ask me for a date?



Once for no, twice for yes.






You're so cute.



How about  :   tomorrow

at the Round-Up?






Do you have any boyfriends?



Not really.



Are they crazy? If I was a fella,

I'd be around all the time.



Well, see if you can work it out.



We have a date tomorrow.



What's your name?






What's yours?



I'll tell you tomorrow. It'll give us

something interesting to talk about.






What's up, hubby?



I got these for you.






Navin, you know the other day

when I showed you the tattoo?






Well, I forgot to tell you something.



- Really? What?

- This.



That's what's going to happen to you if

I ever catch you looking at another broad.



I'm glad you told me.



And remember, I did this without anger.



And I stayed away from your crotch.



Bye, sweetie.



- Hi!

- What happened?



It was unbelievable.

These guys jumped me.



They tried to get these flowers.

I got 'em for you.



It's kind of a traditional date deal.



Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they?



Couple of dozen roses.



Look like daisy stems.



What? That guy gypped me.



Put daisy stems on my roses.



Look, these hoodlums are dangerous.



I think we ought to get out of here

before she sees us.



- "She"?

- What?



- You said "she."

- No!



I always call a gang "she."



It's like when you call a boat "she"

or a hurricane "she."



Or a girl?



You can call a girl "she." That's just one

of the many things you can call "she."



Why are you smiling?



You're the fiirst person

I've ever had at my place.



Do you live here?



It's nice.



Did you decorate it?



I got this from the old Cup O' Pizza place

before they tore it down.



That was really good pizza.



This is the best pizza in a cup ever.



This guy's unbelievable. He ran the old

Cup O' Pizza guy out of business.



People come from all over to get this.



You know, you have beautiful skin.



May I?



So smooth and flexible.



I take after my mother's side of the family.



It's amazing the way it

just snaps back like that. Amazing.



- Are you a model?

- No.



I'm a cosmetologist.



Really? A cosmetologist?



That's unbelievable.



That's impressive.



It must be tough

to handle the weightlessness.



Can I ask you a personal question?



What is it?



Now be totally honest.



You do have a boyfriend, don't you?



Kind of.



I know this is our first date, but...


            you think the next time

you make love to your boyfriend...


            could think of me?



- I haven't made love to him yet.

- That's too bad.



Do you think it's possible that...





            could make love with me

and think of him?



Who knows?



Maybe you and he can make love

and you could think of me.



I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.



Do you have a girlfriend?



- Does it matter?

- I'd like to think you were available.



I'm available.



Did you forget about my ass?



No, I've been thinking about it.



She tattooed my name on her ass.



Not just my name. A lot of names!



And funny things, too. She's got one

up here that says "Slippery when wet."



- How do you know that?

- What is she, some great piece of ass?



She's no great piece of ass!



I mean, wait a minute.



We're all adults here.

Let's reason this out.



Marie's the type of person that if you got...



If this gash doesn't get out of here...



...I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!



While Patti tends to be more direct.



As for you, farm boy...



We're married!



And as for you, kewpie doll...



You protected me.

You must really like me.



"I know, I know



"You belong



"To somebody new



"But tonight



"You belong to me



"Although, although



"We're apart



"You're part



"Of my heart



"And tonight



"You belong to me



"Way down



"By the stream



"How sweet



"It would seem



"Once more



"Just to dream



"In the moonlight



"My honey, I know, I know



"With the dawn



"That you



"Will be gone



"But tonight



"You belong



"To me, just to little old me"



You know...



...while you were playing that just now...



...I had the craziest fantasy that I could...



...rise up...



...float right down the end of this cornet...



...right through here...



...through these valves...



...right along this tube...



...come right up against your lips...



...and give you a kiss.



Why didn't you?



I didn't want to get spit on me.



Was it good for you, too?



I really do want to kiss you...



...but I'm afraid.



- I would have kept my tongue in.

- No, I mean...



...l'm afraid if I kiss you...



...l'll fall in love with you.



You will?



And I don't want to.



You don't?



My mother sacrificed everything

to send me through cosmetology school.



She did?



She has this dream

for me to be something.



She does?



To marry someone with power...


           , vision.



Someone with a special purpose.



I've got one!



- I've got a special purpose!

- You do?



Yes! It's fantastic!



It's great! It's unbelievable!



And I was afraid to tell you about it.

Your mother's gonna love me!



Marie, are you awake?






You look so beautiful and peaceful...


            almost look dead.



I'm glad because...



...there's something I want to say that's

always been difficult for me to say.



I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit

and on the slitted sheet I sit.



I've never been relaxed enough

around anyone to be able to say that.



You give me confidence in myself.



I know we've only known each other

for four weeks and three days...



...but to me, it seems like

nine weeks and five days.



The first day seemed like a week.



And the second day seemed like five days.



And the third day

seemed like a week again.



And the fourth day seemed like eight days.



But the fifth day

you went to see your mother...



...and that seemed just like a day.



But then you came back, and later...



...on the sixth day, in the evening,

when we saw each other...



...that started seeming like two days.



So in the evening, it seemed

like two days spilling into the next day...



...and that started seeming like four days.

So, at the end of the sixth day...



...on into the seventh day,

it seemed like a total of five days.



And the sixth day seemed like

a week and a half.



I have it written down, but I can show it

to you tomorrow if you want to see it.



Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow...



...when the time is right,

I'm going to ask you to marry me.



If that's okay with you,

just don't say anything.



You've made me very happy.



"Oh, I'll see you again



"Whenever spring breaks through again"



Honey, sing!



"Time may lie heavy between



"But what has been



"Is past forgetting



"This sweet memory



"Across the years will come to me



"Though my world may go awry



"In my heart will ever lie



"Just the echo of a sigh






Honey, who's the happiest guy

in the world?



You are!



That's right! And who's the happiest gal?



That's right.



Honey, guess what?

I wrote a song for you this morning:



"Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you



"Not an ordinary thermos for you



"But the extra best thermos you can buy



"With vinyl and stripes

and a cup built right in



"I'm picking out a thermos for you



"And maybe a barometer too



"And what else can I buy

so on me you'll rely



"A rear-end thermometer too"



Honey! There's a question

I've been wanting to pop but...



...l've been afraid you'd say no.



But this seems like

the right time and place, so here goes.



Honey, will you marry me?



Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!

Get in the tub with me!



Not you, Shithead. Where's Marie?



What letter?









Shithead! Come here! Good idea!



Why did you leave me?



I couldn't read the letter!

It was too blurry!



Here, boy.



Where are you?



This is not going to be easy, Shithead.



We've been together a long time.



But I've got to head down that road.



There'll be times out there

when there won't be enough food for two.



And I won't be able to...



Wait a minute.



I'm not done yet.



Come back, I'm not finished.



I have some more to tell ya.



You'll find a family

who can give you a real home...



...with loving kids and a warm fireplace.



I never liked you, anyway.



Now get out of here!



Okay, okay! You win!

You can go with me.



"And so, Mom, with my faithful dog

leading the way...



"...l'm out to win the hand ofMarie.



"You'd love her, Mom. She looksjust

like you, except she's white and blonde.



"So, to win her back,

I've vowed to make something of myself.



"I settled in Los Angeles, took the money

I saved and rented my fiirst apartment.



"I haven't heard from Marie.



"Things couldn't be worse.

I can only send you    cents this week..."



- Bless his heart.

- That's a good boy.



" I've lost all my jobs.



"I've been eating well. The hospital

gives out free orange juice and cookies...



"...and all I have to do

is give them a pint of blood.



"I ate there all week, three times a day."



Pint of blood?



"I quit when I cut myself shaving

and nothing came out but air.



"I have to go now as someone

is staring at me through binoculars.



"Your loving son, Navin."



It's him.






What's him doing here?

Shithead! Shithead!



Attack! Attack!



Not me!



Get off, Shithead!



You're going to have to sign for this.



I have to sign before you shoot me?



I'm not gonna shoot ya!



- Why not?

- That was the old me.



I was a little mixed up at that time.



Had a bad marriage,

and I just gave up smoking.



I'm okay now.



I'm a private detective.



- So long.

- Thank you.



"Dear Mr. Johnson...



"...please call on me, in Suite...



"...     at the Century Plaza Tower...



" Los Angeles.



"I have something ofgreat importance

to impart to you."



Navin! Remember me?



- No, but don't feel bad.

- Fox.



Stan Fox!



Remember the gas station?



Boy, you are one hard guy to find!



You don't remember me.



The glasses handle! Look!






- My glasses handle.

- Use the Opti-Grab.



- "Opti-Grab"?

- Yeah, we call it Opti-Grab.



- Opti-Grab.

- "Opti," from the eye...



...and "grab," from where you grab it!



Opti-grabbing it!



Navin, my boy, we're in business!



Fifty-fifty, just like we said.



Right in here I have your first check...



...for two hundred and fifty big ones.






That's just the beginning.

There's gonna be more. Lots more!



Can I cash this?



You can do whatever you like.

It's your money. It's a cashier's check.



I can use money!



Yes, I have a cashier's check,

and I'd like to cash it.



How much is it for?



Two hundred and fifty big ones.



Two hundred and fifty dollareenies.



That's two hundred and fifty doughnuts.



You want to cash this?



Well, I could take fifty of the doughnuts...



...and deposit the other

two-hundred beauties.



- Have a seat, Mr. Johnson.

- Thank you.



I will need two pieces of identification.



Yes. I have my

temporary driver's license...



...and my astronaut application form.



I didn't pass that, though.

I failed everything but the date of birth.



Didn't get the job.



Everything's in order.

If you'll just endorse this there.



- I need a pen.

- Pen. Okay.



- Right here.

- Thank you.



Fill out this deposit slip right there.



The endorsing and filling out

of the deposit slip.



Two-hundred and fifty...






"Dear Harry, guess what?



"I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.



"But I haven't forgotten our deal.

Here's that postcard I promised you.



"I bet you thought you'd never get it.



"Your friend forever, Navin."



How do you like that?



He promised me a postcard,

and he sent me a postcard.



Kid has integrity.



Shithead, come on.



Hello? Yes?



Who? Mrs. Kimball?



You're Marie's mom!



You read about me in the paper?



I've been trying to reach her,

I don't know where she is.



I'd give anything to find out.



Well, that sounds a little high.



How about $  ?



Okay, what is it?



The May Company in Los Angeles.



Shithead! I know where she is!

I know where she is!



Now, doesn't that feel good?



There now, we are complete.



Putting on Mask-O-Derm

just took a few minutes...



...and when we peel it off

he'll look    years younger.






Yes, exactly.



Now, we'll let this dry. In the meantime,

we can pick out an eye shadow and lip tint.



Everyone follow me this way...



...because this is a very interesting line.

I think you'll enjoy this.



With your husband's coloring,

a deep tone would bring out his lips.



This Nature Beige

will feature his eyes just wonderfully.



Let's try everything.






Let's go unmask Irving.

Everyone, back this way.



We are now going to peel off

our Mask-O-Derm.



Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer

and he'll look like a different man.



You'll be amazed.



Get ready, Irving!



This shit really worked.



My sweetheart.



What are you doing to my husband,

you Miss Blondie?



Irving, are you crazy?



"Dear Mom, the big news is:

Marie and I were married.



"We couldn't wait.



"We found someone at the Hollywood View

Apartments who could do it immediately.



"He was a certifiiedpriest.



"We were both glad

we had a religious wedding.



"Money hasn't changed our lives

that much.



"Our one little extravagance

is a live-in butler and housekeeper."



- Another check!

- Just as I thought.



Look at that. Nearly $      .



With this kind of income, you could buy

a larger house with servants' quarters.



"Well, Mom, remember my dream

of owning a big house on a hill...



"...and how I used to wish for a living room

with a plaster lion in it from Mexico?



"And how I always wanted

a large   -seat dining table...



" a dining room with original paintings

by Michelangelo and Rembrandt?



"And remember how I always wanted

a rotating bed...



"...with pink chiffon and zebra stripes?



"And remember how I used to chitchat

with dad about...



"...always wanting a bathtub

shaped like a clam...



"...and an offiice

with orange and white stripes?



"Remember how much I wanted an all red

billiard room with a giant stuffed camel...



"...and how I wanted a disco room

with my own disco dancers...



"...and a party room with fancy friends?



"And remember how much I wanted

a big backyard with Grecian statues...



"...S- shaped hedges,

and three swimming pools?



"Well, I got that too.



"Marie and I are getting along swell...



"...but I've got a lot to learn

about handling my money and banks.



"You have to be careful.



"Poor Hobart.



"His dear wife Hester took money

out of her savings account...



"...and had to pay a substantial penalty

for early withdrawal.



"Enclosed is this week's check.

Love, Navin."



Sorry about your wife, Hobart.



Federal regulations, sir.



Dear me.



Your wife has given you

another gold chain.



I'd nearly forgotten.



I suppose I'm still not quite

over Hester's death.



Well, these things take time.



Yes, so I'm told.



Here's your drink, sir.

Like the one you saw in the magazine.



You got the bamboo umbrella

and everything.



See that? "Be somebody."



Very good, sir. Very good.



There are some charity people here

to see you, sir.



No! Send them away!



There's a lot of people

more deserving than me!



But these people want you to give.






My name is

Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordoba.



Father, you seem like a religious man.



How can I help you?



By giving me three minutes of your time

so that you can see some film...



...of a great ugliness

that is spreading in my country.



God. I'll bet it's disgusting.



- Hobart?

- Yes, sir?



Are you over your grief enough

to dim the lights?



Of course, sir. One can't mourn forever.



You will not believe

what you are about to see...



...that human beings

could have sunk so low...



...that they can take pleasure to do this

to another of God's creatures.



I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.



Roll the ugliness.



Good Lord. I've heard about this.

Cat juggling.



Stop it, stop it, stop it!






Father, could there be a God

that would let this happen?



How much do you want?



If your initial investment is $      ...



...and your apartments are up in March...


            should have "x" amount of dollars

rolling in by the end of this year.



"X" amount. That's very good, isn't it?



You can depreciate the entire building

for the full amount.



Depreciate! Very good. I like that.



And we've found a way to get around

this fair housing crap.



Good! Getting around the crap.

That's good.



By keeping the rents high,

we'll appeal to a select class of people.



Select class. Very good.



We'll keep the eggplants out.



Good. We don't want any vegetables.



No. The jungle bunnies!



Of course. They'll eat the vegetables.



Boss, could I talk to him?



We're gonna keep out the niggers.



The what?



The niggers. We'll keep 'em out.



- Yes.

- Sir...


            are talking to a nigger!



Don't be so hard on yourself.



How could you know

that was "Iron Balls" McGinty?



Escargot. Salad.



Would Monsieur care for another bottle

of the Château Latour.



Yes, but no more     .



Let's splurge. Bring us some fresh wine.



The freshest you've got.



This year's. No more of this old stuff.



Oui, Monsieur.



He doesn't realize he's dealing

with sophisticated people here.



Marie, just stay calm.



Don't look down.



Don't look down. Look up.

Keep your eyes up and keep 'em that way.






There are snails on her plate.



Now get them out of here

before she sees them!



Look away! Keep your eyes that way!



You'd think at a fancy restaurant like this

you'd be able to keep the snails...


            the food!



There are so many snails in there

you can't see the food.



Remove them! Bring me the cheese

sandwich appetizers you talked me out of.



Oui, Monsieur.



Can you believe this?



First they didn't have umbrellas

for the wine, now snails on the food.



Two boobs. That's what he takes us for.



- Hi, honey.

- Hi, doll face.



Everything okay?



Remember how you told me

to take unnecessary lessons?



Well, I just took a lesson.



And a very good student too.

Adios, senora.



You took bullfighting?



No. Knife-throwing.



Knife-throwing's great!



- I can almost do it.

- Well, let me see your stuff!






This is very good for a beginner.



This is exciting. I love this!



Come on!



- Turn sideways...

- Okay.



...and put a balloon in your mouth.



Do you have a balloon?



No. Wait. Yes!






Is it in your mouth?



Throw 'em good and hard, so they'll stick.















Four, five, six!



I missed.



Honey, you did good.



I can't do anything right.



Honey, you worry too much.



Come on. Let's flop this over

and look at it another way.



Do you realize that

in the past two short months...



...we have acquired the sophistication

it takes some people a lifetime to acquire?



Come on!



Let's toast!



Everybody, Navin's on TV.

Marie, it's Navin!



Look, honey,

here's that interview you did on TV.



Shut off the music!



Everyone, we're going to watch Navin

on the TV.



Sit down, sit down.

On the floor. Sit around.



American Time news magazine

turns its probing eye...



...on Navin Johnson,

the inventor ofthe Opti-Grab...



...that little glasses handle that sold

   million units in a few short months.



Mr. Johnson, you've become

a millionaire overnight. Who are you?



Who is Navin Johnson?



Navin is a complex personality,

as are most ofthe...



...small breed of modern-day

renaissance millionaires.



We hadplanned to show you

the entire Johnson interview.



However, when we returned to our studio,

our news department informed us...



...ofa sensational development

in the Johnson story.



It seems that an irate group of citizens...



...led by the celebrity, Mr. Carl Reiner...



...has fiiled a class action suit

against Mr. Johnson and his Opti-Grab.



Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say

at a press conference:



When Opti-Grab came out

I thought it was the greatest thing ever.



And I bought a pair. And this is the result.



This little handle is like a magnet.

Your eyes are drawn to it...



...and you end up cockeyed.



Now, as a director,

I am constantly using my eyes...



...and this Opti-Grab device

has caused irreparable harm to my career.



Let me show you a clip

from my latest fiilm...



...where my faulty depth perception kept

me from yelling "cut" at the right time.






Ifl had yelled "cut" on time,

those actors would be alive today.



That's why I am spearheading the

$   million class action suit...



...against Mr. Johnson,

and his irresponsible selling ofa product...



...he didn't even test on prisoners!



- Thank you.

- Party's over!



Wait a second. Where you going?



I'm gonna get in touch

with that Reiner guy.



I got some change upstairs.



We'll get some potato chips

and there's some beer up there.



We'll make it a less formal thing.



Let's find another party.



Honey! Why the gloom?



This is not the end of the rainbow.



I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!



This is no big deal.

This is a parking ticket to me.



Only instead of $  it's $   million.



I don't care about losing all the money.



It's losing all the stuff.



We're not gonna lose the stuff.



This is America!



We're going to receive a fair trial

from an impartial jury!



Your honor, we, the jury,

find for the plaintiff.



I award to Mr. Reiner...



...and the other   million...



...    thousand...



...    plaintiffs...



...the full amount of the suit.



Court is adjourned.



- Navin.

- Honey, can't you see I'm drinking?



Pay to the order of...



...Mrs. Wilbur Stark...


            dollar and nine cents.



Pay to the order of...



..."Iron Balls" McGinty...


            dollar and nine cents.



Why are you crying?

And why are you wearing that old dress?



Because I just heard a song on the radio

that reminded me of the way we were.



- What was it?

- The Way We Were.



Look at us. We've hit bottom.



No! Maybe you've hit bottom,

but I haven't hit bottom yet!



I got a ways to go!



I'm gonna bounce back, and when I do...



...l'm gonna buy you a diamond so big...


           's gonna make you puke!



I don't want to puke! I don't want wealth!



I just want you like you used to be.



What happened to that man?






What happened to the girl I believed in?



The girl I fell in love with?



The girl that believed in me?



There's plenty of places I can go...



...where people believe in me.



So go. The sooner you're out of my life...



...the sooner I can go back to being the girl

in this little flowered dress...



...that you sang the "Thermos Song" to.



Well, I'm gonna go, then.



I don't need any of this!

I don't need this stuff!



And I don't need you!

I don't need anything!



Except this.



This ashtray.

That's the only thing I need is this!



I don't need this or this!



Just this ashtray!



And this paddle game.



The ashtray and the paddle game

and that's all I need.



And this remote control.



The ashtray, the paddle game

and the remote control. That's all I need.



And these matches.



The ashtray, these matches

the remote control and the paddle ball.



And this lamp.



The ashtray...



...this paddle game, the remote control...



...and the lamp, and that's all I need.



And that's all I need, too!



I don't need one other thing!



Not one. I need this.



The paddle game, the chair...



...the remote control

and the matches, for sure.



What are you looking at?



What do you think I am,

some kind of a jerk or something?



And this.



That's all I need.



Except the ashtray,

the remote control, the paddle game...



...this magazine and the chair.



I don't need one other thing.

Except my dog.



Well, I don't need my dog.



So, that's it.



It's an old story,

one you've probably heard before.



But I never thought it would happen to me.



Any of you bums

ever heard of Navin R. Johnson?



I've heard of him.



Born in Mississippi?



The inventor of the Opti-Grab?



I was just telling these guys!












- Mama!

- My baby!



I knew we'd find you!



- Taj!

- Don't kiss me!



I called them the night you left.



How'd you find me?



I don't know.

This is the first place we looked.



We're taking you home

and you're living with us.



Turns out dad's a financial genius.



All I did was take the money

you sent home...



...and embarked on a periodic investment

in a no-load mutual fund.



He leveraged his ass

deep into soy beans and cocoa futures.



Right on.



I picked out this thermos for you.



- I'd kiss you, but I'm so dirty.

- Dirt doesn't bother me.



But the smell does.



Son, you'd better get

in the back with the dog...



...until we can get you hosed down.



- I love you, Navin!

- I love you, too!



Somebody open a window!



Open all the windows.



I was so glad to be going home.



I remembered the days

when I sang and danced...



...with my family

on the porch ofthe old house.



But things change,

and with all the additions to the family...



...we had to tear down the old house,

even though we loved it.



But we built us a bigger one.



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Gonna jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Me and my buddy

- "Gonna pick a bale of cotton



- "Well, me and my buddy

- "Gonna pick a bale a day



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Gonna get on your knees

- "And pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna get on your knees

- "And pick a bale a day



- "Gonna move all around

- "And pick a bale of cotton



- "Gonna move all around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Want a barebacked man to

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Want a barebacked man to

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale a day



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "Lordy

- "Pick a bale a day



- "You're gonna jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale of cotton



- "You're gonna jump down turn around

- "Pick a bale a day



"Lordy pick a bale of cotton



"Lordy pick a bale a day



- "Well, me and my wife

- "Gonna pick a bale of cotton



- "Well, me and my wife

- "Gonna pick a bale a day



- "Take it!

- "Pick a bale of cotton



"Pick a bale a day"




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