Jingle All The Way Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Jingle All The Way script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Jingle All The Way. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Jingle All The Way Script



Look! It's Turbo Man

and Booster!



Kill them both!




Turbo discs, anyone?



- Ow!

- Ah!



- Ow!

- Bleh!



VILLAIN: Stop him!

DEMONS: Go, go, Demon Team!



BO Y: Help, Turbo Man! Help!

TURBO MAN: I'm coming, Billy!



- Ta-ta, Turbo Man.

- Ah!



Ah. Heh heh heh!




Five seconds to ignition.






Ha ha ha ha ha!



It's turbo time!






TURBO MAN: Got you.



BO Y: Yay!



VILLAIN: You haven't seen

the last of me!



I'll have my revenge!



TURBO MAN: Here, Mr. President.

BILLY: Mom, Dad, Booster.



Thank you, Turbo Man.



You can always count on me.



WOMAN: Jamie, go and change.

It's almost time to leave.



But dad's not home yet.



He's going to miss me

get my belt.



He misses everything.



He won't miss this.



He's probably just

working really hard.



]Rock music playing]




around the Christmas tree



At the Christmas party hop



Mistletoe hung

where you can see



Every couple tries to stop



Rockin' around

the Christmas tree



Have a happy holiday



Everyone dancing merrily



Hello, Mr. Jacobs.



Yes, we've been busy.

I like that.



I'm gonna make it.

I hear you.



What can I do for you?



Two hundred king-sized

by next Friday?



No problem whatsoever,

but only for you.



You're our number one customer.



Andrea, hi.



If you think the fabric

is too dark, we'll re-cover it.



At no extra charge.



What do you expect?

You're my number one customer.



Don't you forget.



You're my number one customer.



You're my number one customer.



Liz. Hi, honey. How are you?



- Howard, where are you?

- I know. Jamie's karate class.



Don't worry.

I'll meet you there. I promise.



And don't forget,

you're my number one customer.



Liz! Look, I didn't

mean that. L...






I'm going to make it.



I'm going to make it.



He's not gonna make it.



What the...



]Car horns honking]






MAN: Johnny!



- The kids look great.

- Yeah, they do.




Ted, I baked you some cookies...



to thank you

for fixing my screen door.



TED: Well, thanks, Judy.











WOMAN: Ted, I was wondering

if you'd mind...



taking a look at my porch light.



It's not working,



and you being

such a handyman...



TED: I've got just the tool

for the job.






I'm gonna make it.






Damn it.






















License and registration,




HOWARD: Sir, I'm in a hurry.



I'm late for

my son's karate class.



I do apologize if I've

caused you some sort of delay.



How thoughtless of me.



Because the last thing I want

on my conscience right now...



is for a private citizen

to somehow be disappointed...



in the performance

of my duty.



Look, I was not criticizing you,




- It's just that...

- Step out of the vehicle.






That's my boy!



HOWARD: There.

Are we finished now?



Recite the alphabet.



A, B, C...












Way to go, Jamie!






I didn't make it.



]Car alarm chirps]



TED: Hey, neighbor!




Why are you on my roof?



What's Ted doing on your roof?



TED: Ta-da! Ha ha ha!



I had some extra lights.



Since you didn't put up any,

I thought, what the heck?



Why not spread some Christmas

cheer around the neighborhood?



Aw, gee, Ted, how thoughtful.



TED: Sorry you missed

the karate class today.



But don't worry.

I got it all on video for you.



What would I do without you?



HOWARD: Did you tell Ted

to put lights up?



LIZ: Do you know

what time it is?



You should have seen

the traffic.



And I got a speeding ticket.



Don't explain to me.



It wasn't my karate class

you missed.



]Television playing]



HOWARD: Hi, buddy.



TV ANNOUNCER: It's turbo time!



It's your chance to save

the universe with Turbo Man!



Battle evil with America's

favorite superhero...



and his sidekick Booster.



HOWARD: Jamie, about

the karate class tonight...



I was trying to... Jamie.



Jamie, stop!

Listen, it was not my fault.



Don't walk away

from your father.



Jamie... can I come in?



So, champ...



Are those hands

registered weapons yet?



Oh, is this it? Wow!



This is really cool.



How do you do this? Like this?



No. I know. Like this.



What do you think?

How about this?






Whaah! Yah!






Yah! Woo!



Nyah! Ha!



I've done something

really stupid today.



JAMIE: I don't care.



Oh, come on, Jamie.



I hope this is not true...



because I really wanted

to be there.



Look, believe me, l...



JAMIE: You always say that,

and you never come anyways.



Purple was important

to me, Dad.



That's one away from green

and three away from black.



- I saw you get yellow.

- You missed blue.



You're right.

I really blew it.



I'm really, really sorry.



Can I make it up to you?



Like how?



Like letting me do

something special just for you.



Like, if there's something

really important...



you've been wanting

for Christmas. Hmm?



Don't worry. I got it covered.

I wrote Santa.



HOWARD: But Santa gets very busy

this time of the year.



Sometimes he even has to ask

moms and dads to help out.



Nah. It's not that important.



Tell me. What do you want?



The Turbo Man action figure

with movable arms and legs...



and the boomerang shooter,

the rock-and-roar jet pack...



and the realistic

voice activator...



that says five different phrases

including, 'It's turbo time! '



Accessories sold separately.

Batteries not included.



Ha ha ha!



You had to stop

and think about it.



Johnny's gonna get one.

So is everybody else I know.



Whoever doesn't

is going to be a loser.



Well, that definitely

won't be you.



- Thanks, Dad. I love you.

- I love you, too, Jamie.



- I love you!

- Whoa!



HOWARD: You should have seen us.

We were really bonding.



We were drawing, laughing,

talking about that Turbo guy.



LIZ: Turbo Man.



Which reminds me...

you got the doll, right?



The doll.



LIZ: Yeah.

That Turbo Man doll.



- I asked you to get one.

- Oh.



That doll. Of course.



Howard, you didn't.



Tell me you

did not forget that doll.



No, no. I got it.



I got the Turbo Man doll,



the one with

those things that shoot,



with that jet pack,



and with that voice box

that says, 'It's turbo time.'



- I got it.

- Oh, good.



There you are.



You thought that I would not

do something that you tell me?



I got it right away.






Good. Because at this point,

they'd be impossible to find.




KORS, Minneapolis.



We'll do the rocking

while you fill the stocking.



]'Run Run Rudolph' playing]



LIZ: Wait. Whoa.

Where you going?



I just have to run

to the office quickly.



Howard, it's Christmas Eve.

You can't go to the office.



I have to pick up the d-o-l-I.




I left it there by mistake.



Oh. OK.



- All right.

- Bye.



JAMIE: You can't

go to work today.



- What about the parade?

- The parade?



JAMIE: The Holiday

Wintertainment Parade.



- We go every year.

- Oh.



JAMIE: Well, you didn't go

last year or the year before,



but Mom and I always go.



This year Turbo Man's

going to be there.



LIZ: Yeah. Turbo Man.

HOWARD: Turbo Man.



'It's turbo time.'



Dad, you can't miss it.

It's gonna be really cool.



I won't miss it.

I'll be there.



I promise.






]Car alarm chirps]






TED: Whoa!



Sorry about that, Howie.



What's that, a reindeer?



A little Christmas surprise

for Johnny.



You think of everything,

don't you, Ted?




you can never do too much...



to make

a child's Christmas magical.



So what happens to Blitzen

after Christmas?



I've been watching a family of

deer down by Lake Minnetonka.



I'll take him down there

and set him free.



If nature's kind,

they'll take him in.



How touching.



Buddy. How are you?






TED: Whoa. That's odd.

Reindeer are usually gentle.



There must be something

about you he doesn't like...



aftershave or something.



Yeah. All right, got to go.



Where you off to so early?



Picking up a Christmas present

for Jamie.



Whoa! Nothing like waiting

till the last minute, Howitzer.



- So what did you get him?

- One of those Turbo Mans.



Oh. That's great.



I got a Turbo Man

for Johnny months ago.



It's nestled safely

under our tree.






Howard, by the way,

they say it may get icy later.



You might want to wrap

some chains around those tires.



]Under breath]

I'll wrap chains around you.






Come on.




those sleigh bells ringing



And ding ding

a-ling-a-linging, too



Come on, it's lovely weather



For a sleigh ride

together with you



Outside the snow is falling



And friends are calling yoo-hoo



Come on, it's lovely weather



For a sleigh ride

together with you



HOWARD: What time you opening?



Come on. It's freezing out here.

There's a hundred people...



Because of two minutes

you're not...



]Crowd grumbling]



MAILMAN: Give him a break!

He's trying to get a toy!



Go ahead. Have cuts, man.



- Last-minute shopping?

- Yeah.



Enough to drive a man insane.

Myron Larabee.



Howard Langston.



I'm shopping late because

I'm busy at Christmastime.



People send Christmas letters...



to folks they don't talk to

but once a year,



not to mention relatives

sending presents...



they're going to send back.



How many toiletry kits

does a man need?



How about those stupid letters

from kids to Santa?




'Dear Santa, send me a bike.'



No! Your father's been laid off!



As if I didn't have

enough pressure,



my son wants

some goofy-butt toy,



some fruity robot

named Turtle Man.



That's Turbo Man.

My son wants one, too.



You know it's all a ploy.



HOWARD: A ploy?

MYRON: Don't you watch TV?



We are being set up

by powerful toy cartels.



- Come on.

- These fat cats...



use working-class

like me and you.



They spend billions of dollars

on TV advertisement,



and then they use

subliminal messages...



to suck your

children's minds out!



I know what I'm talking about.

I went to junior college.



I studied psychology.

I know what's going on.



Then they make a kid

feel like garbage...



because you, the father,

who's working   - 



delivering mail to make

an alimony payment to a woman...



that slept with everybody

at the post office but me!



When you get the toy, it breaks

because it's cheap plastic!



I'd like to

walk in that office, grab him,



and just choke him

until his eye pops out!



You shouldn't wear fur.






MYRON: Back up. I'm first.

Turbo Man, you're mine!



MYRON: Move it, move it!



MAN: Whoa!

MYRON: Move, move!



MYRON: Get out my way!



MYRON: Booster?

Who wants Booster?



HOWARD: The Turbo Man dolls...

they're all gone!



MYRON: There's another one here.

HOWARD: There are none!



I'm trying to find

a Turbo Man doll.



- Me, too!

- Any more in the back?



Ha ha ha!



- What?

- What's he laughing about?



Ha ha ha ha ha!



CLERK: They want a Turbo Man.




Ha ha ha ha ha!




They're looking for Turbo Man.



Ha ha ha!



WOMAN: Hey, everybody,

they're looking for a Turbo Man.



]Everybody laughing]



MYRON: Shut up, man!

HOWARD: What's so funny?



Where have you guys been?



Turbo Man's the hottest-selling

Christmas toy ever.



CLERK: We got plenty of

Turbo Man's partner Booster.



Where's your Christmas spirit?



That's better.



Now, there must be a Turbo Man

around here somewhere.









The last one just left.

Some lady had it on layaway.



A lady? What lady?



CLERK: Short, with a fur coat.

HOWARD: Fur coat.



MYRON: Sorry, buddy.



MYRON: Heh heh heh!



HOWARD: Give me this.

This is war.



MYRON: Ha ha ha! Whoo! Uh!




BO Y: Cool.



Oh, poor baby.



MYRON: Turbo Man.



Ah! Hey, lady!



Hey, hold it! Wait!



Wait, lady!

I need that Turbo Man! Wait!




Jingle bells



Jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a '   Chevrolet



Jingle bells



Jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse open sleigh









Dashing through the snow



In a one-horse open sleigh



Over those fields we go



Laughing, laughing,

laughing, laughing



Bells on bobtails ring



Making those spirits bright



What fun it is to ride and sing



A sleighing song tonight






Jingle bells



Jingle, jingle,

jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a '   Chevrolet



In a '   Chevrolet



Jingle bells



Jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse









JAMIE: I'm Turbo Man.

BO Y: I am.



You're always Turbo Man.



Hey, hey, hey.

Cut it out.



- Hi, Liz.

- Oh, hi, Ted.



TED: It's Christmas Eve,

and you're slaving over a stove.



You're the mom of the year.



LIZ: It's no big deal. Really.

TED: And modest, too.



LIZ: Ohh.

TED: Liz...



you could use a little

You Time.



Why don't you go upstairs,

take a shower?



I'll watch the boys,

finish the cookies.



LIZ: Oh, no...

TED: Da-da-da.



Go on. You deserve it.



LIZ: Uh... Oh, well, OK.



- Listen for the oven timer.

- I know. Sugar cookies.



Bake   -   minutes

till golden brown.



- Yeah.

- Everything's under control.



]Kids play-fighting]



Oh! Pipe down in there!



]Telephone ringing]



TED: Merry Christmas.

Langston residence.



HOWARD: Hi, l... Ted?



Howard! Hey, buddy.

How's it going out there?



Everything OK?




I need to speak to Liz.



Could you get...



]Ted moans]



Howard, excuse me.



Your wife's cookies

are out of this world.



What... Who told you

you could eat my cookies?



TED: I'm helping Liz out.



She's baking up a storm here.



HOWARD: I need to speak to

my wife. Could you get her?



TED: She's in the shower.

Want me to check?



No! I mean, no, that's fine.



On your way out,



tell her I will be late,

but don't worry.



TED: Oh, she won't worry.

I mean, I'm here, and...



Mmm! Oh, these cookies!

I'll get the recipe from Liz.



Put that cookie down! Now!



Howard, is there

something bothering you?



This time of year,



there's a very high incidence

of stress-related breakdowns.



]Bell rings]



There's the next batch.



I'll give Liz

your message. Bye.



Yeah, but...



MYRON: Look who it is!




MYRON: Still on the hunt?




MYRON: Sorry about whacking you

at the toy store.



I got caught up

in the competition.



HOWARD: That's all right.



MYRON: You'd have done

the same thing.



That's when I realized

we're the same kind of person.



HOWARD: I doubt that.



MYRON: That brouhaha

at the toy store...



we could join up as a team,

like Starsky and Hutch,



like Jonny Ouest and Hadji,



Bonnie and Clyde, Ike and Tina...

Not Ike and Tina... she left.



Search and destroy.

Divide and conquer.



Me and you. What do you say?



Thanks, Myron,

but, no, thank you.



MYRON: Come on, let's do it.

Let's be a team!



Myron, I think you're

a good guy and all.



This I will do by myself.



You understand, right?



Oh, yeah,

I understand you, man!



MYRON: I understand plenty,



Mr. Fancy Cashmere Coat

And Nice Suede Shoes.



I'm not good enough

to be on your team!



See, that's racism.

Jesse Jackson talked about that.



MAN: They got a late delivery

of Turbo Man at Toy Works!



- Turbo Man!

- Turbo Man!



MYRON: Whoa! Whoo-hoo!



]Car alarm chirps]



Uh! Uh!



Piece of junk!



]Engine revving]






- Officer.

- You broke my little mirror.



License and registration,




MYRON: Whoo! Is there a problem,

officer? Ha ha ha!




Well, it's Christmastime again






Are all hung



By the fire



Everybody's singing




Listen up, people.



To answer your first question...

yes, the rumors are true.



We have received

a small quantity...



of the action figure

known as Turbo Man.






MAN OVER P. A: Please be quiet.



Do you hear me?

Here's how it works.



You will form an orderly line...



so that an employee can hand you

a numbered ball.



These balls will then be drawn

in a standard lottery fashion...



to see who gets a doll.



If you're not

one of the lucky few,



we have Turbo Man's

pet tiger Booster in stock.



MYRON: We don't want it!

HOWARD: Who wants a Booster?



In accordance with the laws

of supply and demand,



the new list price

on each figure just doubled.




What? That's against the law!



Hey, give me a ball!




It's the most wonderful time



Of the year



With the kids jingle-belling



And everyone telling you,

'Be of good cheer'



It's the most wonderful time



It's the most wonderful time






SONG: Of the year



I got it!









MYRON: I got it!

HOWARD: He maced me!



MYRON: Ha ha ha!



I got it!

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.



He got two! He got two!



Get the mailman!




HOWARD: Get him!



MYRON: He's lying.

He's lying.



MYRON: That's my ball!



Rodney King. Rodney King.






Hey! Aah!



This is my ball! Yeah. Stay.









Ah. Hi, little girl.



Look what I've got for you.

A shiny red ball.



Do you want to trade?



No! Just give me the ball.

I got it... Ow!



WOMAN: Sicko! Pervert!



- Get your hands off my kid!

- I need the ball.



I need that toy!




Get out of here! You wacko!



HOWARD: I need that toy!

WOMAN: Pervert!



I'm not a pervert! I was looking

for Turbo Man doll.



SANTA: Hey. Psst.

Buddy, come here. Come here.



You want a Turbo Man?



I won't sit on your lap.



SANTA: Hey, chief,

that's not my bag. Get it? Ha!



Well, you know, little boy,

with your attitude,



I won't give you access to this.

Tony, show him.



That was taken this morning.



How do I know

this is not a scam?



SANTA: Forget it, Tony.

He doesn't want our help.




Whoa. Wait a minute, guys.



We're all businessmen.

We can work out an agreement.



SANTA: We got the doll.

HOWARD: How much?



SANTA: Ho ho ho!

A merry Christmas. Ho ho ho!



A merry Christmas to you,




What are you, crazy?



Santa never delivers a gift

in broad daylight.



Excuse me. I may be wrong,



but you are not

the real Santa Claus.






You're not a guy

who's got enough foresight...



to get his kid a Turbo Man

before Christmas Eve.



Hey, show a little respect

for the suit, huh?






You want that doll or not?



SANTA SINGING: I feel sorry

for that laddie



HOWARD: Come on.

I got a parade to go to.



I've yet to see a sign of

that supposed Turbo Man doll.



SANTA: Take a left.



SANTA SINGING: He's a little

boy who Santa Claus forgot



TONY: Beautiful.



]Dog barking]



SANTA: Up here.



Oh, I love this time of year.



Christmas carols,

snowflakes, Santa Clauses.



HOWARD: Now what?

SANTA: Are you Dan Rather?



Is this '   Minutes'?

You the question king?






SANTA: Keep your hands

where I can see them.



]Raps out beat

to 'Jingle Bells']






Jingle bells...

Batman smells.




They call me back door Santa



I make my runs

about the break of day



They call me back door Santa



- I know what you're thinking.

- Oh, no.



You have no idea.



SANTA: Get him his Turbo Man.

TONY: Got it.



I got to tell you, Santa,

there is something here...



that doesn't seem quite,

um, kosher.



- Kosher?

- Yeah.



This from a guy who assaulted

a toddler for a Super Ball?



Listen, bub, we provide

a service here.



We're not doing this for us.

We're doing this for the kids.



For the kids?



For every kid who ever sat down

on Santa's lap,



for every little girl...



who left cookies and milk

for Santa on Christmas night,



for every little boy who opens

a present Christmas morning...



and finds clothes

instead of toys.






- It breaks my heart.

- Ahem.



HOWARD: There it is.

SANTA: That will be    .



- Dollars?

- No. Chocolate kisses.



Yes, dollars.



I can't believe this.



Whatever happened

to your lofty ideals?



I thought you were doing

all this for the kids.



SANTA: Can't we pick up some

loose change in the process?




SANTA: Take it.



Count it.

Put it in the safe this time.



Don't open that up!



DOLL: ĦEs el tiempo

del Hombre de Turbo!



That's the multilingual version.

It's fun and educational.



Don... you know,

I wouldn't...



Well, of course,

there's some assembly required.



Let me get that for you.



SANTA: Put it in the box...

HOWARD: Give me the money back.



SANTA: Ah, ah. Whoa!

All sales are final.



You know what you guys are?



A bunch of sleazy con men

in red suits.



- What did you call us?

- You heard me.



Con men, thieves,

degenerates, lowlifes,



thugs, criminals!



SANTA: In the North Pole,

them are fighting words.



- Put 'em up.

- Relax, buddy.



I'm not about to hit

a Santa Claus.



What are you, chicken?



Chick, chick, chick.



Chick, chick, chick, chick!



Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!



Ba... aah!




Get him!



]Karate yells]






Shut up.



Ha ha ha!



]Santas cheering]




I'm gonna deck your halls.












GIANT SANTA: Little buddy.



SANTA: You naughty boy!



HOWARD: Who's next, huh?



HOWARD: Yiii! Aah!



Dog pile! Yeah!



]Police whistles]



It's the Grinch! Scatter.




Hey, hey, hey, hey!






MAN: Hey! Hey, who are you? Huh?



Hey. Hey, buddy.



HOWARD: This is the

sloppiest bust I've ever seen.



Detective Howard Lang...




I've been working this case

for the last three years,



and you guys barge in here...



like a bunch of terrorists

at a tea party!



Wait till the commissioner

finds out about this.



He is going to hit the roof!



Now, get your act together

and arrest someone!



- Go!

- Yes, sir!



TONY: I'm not going back

to the joint!



HOWARD: All right, lock them up.



]Engine sputtering]



Come on. Come on. Not now.




I'll be home



For Christmas






Can plan



On me



I'll be home



For Christmas...



WOMAN: You're so considerate...



bringing holiday cheer

to the neighborhood.



Christmas comes

but once a year.



You're an amazing man, Ted.



I wish every husband

were more like you.



TED: Thanks. We should

get together and swap recipes.



What's the reindeer's name?



I named him Ted after my dad.



Your dad is cool. I wish my dad

did stuff like this.



He never used to...

not till he and Mom split.



- Really?

- Your parents should divorce!



Did wonders for my dad.



LIZ: Jamie?



TED: Hot chocolate?



]Telephone ringing]



- Hello?

- Jamie, how are you doing?



Hi, Dad. I knew you'd call.



HOWARD: Hey, listen,

let me talk to your mother.



JAMIE: You can't.

HOWARD: Why not?



- She's next door petting Ted.

- She's what?



JAMIE: Are you on your way?

The parade's starting soon.



- Get your mother, please.

- Well, are you?



- Am I what?

- Coming home soon.



Yes, immediately!

Now please get your mother!



JAMIE: 'Cause, Dad,

before you left,



you promised you'd be

at the parade.



You haven't been here all day,

so you can't miss it.



Jamie, please.



'Cause, Dad,

when someone makes a promise,



they definitely should keep it.



You know, it's like

what Turbo Man says:



'AIways keep your promises if

you want to keep your friends.'



HOWARD: Enough!

Enough of this Turbo Man!



I've had it up to here with him!



I don't want advice

from Turbo Man!



Now, get your mother.



I'm sorry, Jamie.

Look... I didn't mean...



What would you know about

keeping your promises?!



You never keep your promises!



You never do anything you say

you're going to do! Ever!



Damn you, Howard.



COUNTERMAN: Here you go, my man.

This will warm you up.



HOWARD: Thanks.



MYRON: Cheers.



- You?!

- Peace.



- 'Tis the season to be jolly.

- Right.




Any luck in finding that doll?



- No.

- Me, neither.



Maybe this will help.



]Blues music playing

on jukebox]



HOWARD: What the hell.



HOWARD: I couldn't find

the kid a doll.



- That makes me a bad father? No.

- Nah.



But yelling at him

for no good reason?



That makes me a bad father.



One chance a year

to prove we're not screwups,



and what do we do?

We screw it up!



HOWARD: A few years ago,



I wanted to do something

really special for Jamie...



so... I built him

his own clubhouse.



It came out great.



Well, I mean, the door

was a little crooked, right?



The roof didn't

sit quite straight.



You should have seen

his face light up.



When he saw that,

he was so excited.



He played in that clubhouse

the entire day.



He even made us have

Christmas dinner in it.



- No!

- Oh, yeah.



I was the hero then.



Look at me now.



That kid's going to need

some serious therapy.



Oh, don't say that.



Mm-hmm. I know what

I'm talking about.



See, I never forgave my father.



One Christmas,

I wanted this one special toy,



Johnny Seven O.M.A. Gun.



- You remember those?

- No.



I still remember the commercial.



Two kids playing out

in the backyard.



'Johnny to Peter.

Enemy sighted.'



'Roger there! Open fire! '



Johnny would whip out his Johnny

Seven O.M.A. One-Man-Army Gun.



- Seven guns in one!

- Huh.






Thing looked like a blast.



Of course for my old man,



Christmas was just another

opportunity to let me down.



I never did get

that Johnny Seven O.M.A.



HOWARD: Sorry to hear that.

MYRON: It don't mean nothing.



You ever heard of a guy

named Scott Sherman?



Yeah. CEO of

Sherman Industries.



MYRON: He was my old neighbor,



and his dad got him

a Johnny Seven O.M.A. Gun.



You know what happened?



He became a billionaire.



And me? Well... huh.



I'm just a loser

with no future.



Here's to you, Dad.






HOWARD: I can't let this happen.



It's just a doll.



It's just a stupid

little plastic doll!



Ah-ah. That's action figure.



There's got to be one

around here somewhere!



RADIO: Been looking everywhere

for a Turbo Man doll?






RADIO: You'd do anything

to get your hands on one?



HOWARD: Yes, yes.




KORS has good news for you.



If you're the first caller

to identify Santa's reindeer,



you will win the hottest toy

since Johnny Seven O.M.A.



HOWARD: Dasher, Dancer,

Prancer, Vixen,



Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.



RADIO: Call    -KORS.




MYRON: I don't think so!



Aah! Ohh! My arm! Aah!






HOWARD: Come on.

MYRON: Give me the phone!



- Give me the phone!

- There you are!






HOWARD: I got the answer!

MYRON: You don't!



MYRON: Ha ha ha ha ha!




Why did you do that?

I got through!



I got through!



COUNTERMAN: Hey, you guys,



the radio station's

just two blocks down on Wabasha.



HOWARD: I got the... answer!

I got the answer!



Bye-bye! Sorry!



HOWARD: He barked up

the wrong tree!



HOWARD: He barked up

the wrong tree!




I can run like this for miles!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!



Ha ha!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!



Ha ha! I'm having a good time!

Bye! Ha ha!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen.



MAN: KORS, you're on the air.

HOWARD: Dasher, Dancer...



CALLER: Randy, Jermaine, Tito.



MAN: Nope, not even close.



Maybe this will put us

all in the mood...



HOWARD: I got the answer!

Let me in! I got the answer!



I got the answer!

Come on, open up!



I got a madman in my studio.

Help me!



Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!



- What?

- I couldn't get through.



- Did I win?

- No, it's not that simple!



No! Wait, wait!



You're too late! I've got

the right answer! Ha ha!



I don't need the right answer!

I got this!



And what's that?



This, Mr. Track Star,

is a homemade explosive device!



A bomb?



MYRON: Yes, in layman's terms,

a bomb! So back up!



You built a bomb?



I didn't have to build a bomb.



These things

come through the mail.



I just kept one in case

I ever needed it.



So give me the doll,

or I'll blow up this place!



Are you out of your mind?

Put this thing away!



- It's not worth it!

- It is to me, so back up!



Myron! Come on, old buddy.



Give me the package, all right?



MYRON: Did you call me buddy?




MYRON: I'm not your buddy!



I wanted to be your friend!



But no! You had other plans

for Myron Larabee!



I had no plans.



You were no different

than those civilians,



those letter writers who laugh

at my knee socks and safari hat.






Are you laughing at me?



Oh, no! Lord, no!

Not at all!



MYRON: Mr. Ponytail Man,

I know your kind!



You put the trash can

in front of the mailbox...



so I have to get out of my jeep!



- No, not true! I recycle!

- Shut up!



MYRON: The window's there

so I can just put the mail in.



But you act like

everything's OK!



'Hey, Mr. Mailman! ' Like I have

no feelings of my own!



- Hit the deck!

- Aah!



]Music box plays

'Jingle Bells']



Ooh! Ooh!






MYRON: Look, I'm sorry.



It's the pressure

of Zip-Plus-Four.



Don't hit me! I got sickle cell!



MAN: Excuse me, gentlemen!



Are you under the impression...



that I have a Turbo Man doll

here in the studio?



MYRON: You said so on the radio.



MAN: Oh, no!

HOWARD: You did.



MAN: No.



What I actually said

was whoever won...



would get a doll eventually.



Ha ha! You see,

what we have here...



is a gift certificate.



- A gift certificate!

- Right!



]AII shouting]



As soon as they get

some in the stores...



]Sirens approaching]



HOWARD: Did you call the cops?

MAN: Well, kind of.



MYRON: Let's go!

But I'm going first!



Heh heh heh!




Better luck next time, loser.



MAN: Freeze!

MYRON: Hey! Hey, hey!



Can't stay out of trouble,

can you?



You wouldn't hurt

a fellow civil servant.



What's with this violence?

It's Christmas.



I was just delivering...



Hey! Back up! This is

a homemade explosive device!



I'll blow it up!



I work for the post office,

so you know I'm not stable!



Tell them!



- This man is totally insane.

- Thank you.



Now put the guns down. Now!



Brother, man,

put your gun down!






You, too, Barnaby Jones!



]Drops gun]



All right, just stay there.



I'll know if you move.

I have the ears of a snake!



Ciao, baby!



You shouldn't mess with that.



Relax, Sparky.



I was on the bomb squad

for    years.






MYRON: I'm the man!



Gentlemen... we've been duped.



]Collective sigh]



This is nothing but a harmless

Christmas package.






That was really a bomb?



This is a sick world

we're living in! Sick people!






How long on the bomb squad?




Let ev'ry heart



Prepare him room



And heav'n and nature sing



And heav'n and nature sing



And heav'n and heav'n

and nature sing



Joy to the world



Thanks a lot.



That son of a...



What are you doing?



TED: Your star wasn't up.

You've got to have your star up.



HOWARD: I'm out all day...



and he's in my house...

putting up my star on my tree.




I got a Turbo Man for Johnny.



It's nestled safely

under our tree...




Nestled safely under our tree...



I'll show him. Ha!



Oh, I'm sorry, Ted,

but that's Howard's job.



He always puts the star on.

He's adamant about it.



He's not adamant...



about spending time with

his family on Christmas Eve.



]Train whistle blows]



DOLL: It's turbo time!



]Liz sighs]



Liz, do you hear that?




Let's go! Come on!




We wish you a merry Christmas



We wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy new year



HOWARD: The back door.




Wherever you are



Good tidings for Christmas

and a happy new year



Now, bring us

some figgy pudding



Now, bring us

some figgy pudding



Now, bring us

some figgy pudding



HOWARD: What am I doing?

Look at me.



Stealing from a kid?



I can't do this.



You're going to go back.






Nice doggy.












]Beep beep]






Now, bring us

some figgy pudding



Now, bring us

some figgy pudding









- Howard?

- Hi.



Uh-oh. Uh!



LIZ: What are you doing?

HOWARD: I, uh...



LIZ: What's that?




DOLL: You can always

count on me.



TED: That is Johnny's Turbo Man.



- What?

- It's not what you think it is.



LIZ: It isn't? Really?



What is it?

As far as I know,



you got Jamie

a Turbo Man weeks ago.



It looks like you've broken

into our neighbor's house...



and you're stealing presents!



Just give me a second,

then I could explain it.



Parts of this are going to sound

completely ridiculous.



Let me tell you the truth.



I've listened to you

for far too long now,



and honestly,

I don't want to anymore.



I want to salvage

what's left of Christmas Eve...



and go to the parade

with my son.



Liz, please.



- Ted, would you drive us?

- Of course.



You can't bench-press

your way out of this.






You picked the wrong day.






You started it.



JAMIE: Do you think Dad

will be at the parade?



I wouldn't count on it.



JOHNNY: Turbo Man's

gonna be there.



You can count on him.



Rudolph, can I buy you

another round?









Sorry, buddy,

but you're on your own.



It's time I start

keeping my promises.



]Playing 'Jingle Bells']



MAN: It's that time

of year again...



the   th annual

Holiday Wintertainment Parade.



I'm weatherman Gale Force...



here with the lovely Liza Tisch

of 'A.M. Live.'



Merry Christmas, Gale.



We're high atop channel   's

parade central...



to keep you updated on

all this year's parade action.



- Let's watch...

- And listen.



JAMIE: The parade's

already started!




Dad, there's Owen and his dad.



Can we stand with them

while you park the car?




Yeah, please? Please?



TED: OK. We'll meet you there.






LIZ: And don't go wandering off.




LIZ: Jamie, wear your hat.

JAMIE: I know.







All right, kids. Come on.



JAMIE: Oh, wow! Check it out!

JOHNNY: You see Turbo Man?




They're saving him for last.






JOHNNY: Ooh! This is awesome.

Cat In The Hat!



- Yeah!

- Yeah!



HOWARD: Take Fourth Street.



CABBIE: The roads are packed.

Everybody's going to the parade.



- Turbo Man's gonna be there.

- I know.



Liz, I'm sorry you had to

go through that back there.



Here. Have some

nonalcoholic eggnog.



Oh. I'll be fine.



You can't hide your

feelings from me.



Let it out.

Get it out of your system.



No, really, Ted. I'm OK.



I don't think so.



Liz, you're like a lost

and frightened foal.



I can see it in your eyes.

Don't worry.



Ted's here.



That's... very sweet.



- You deserve better, Lizzie.

- Lizzie?



Someone you can talk to.



A shoulder to cry on.



It's useless, Liz.



We can't hide our feelings

any longer.






TED: I don't have to tell you,

I'm a very eligible bachelor.



Women would give anything

to be in your position now.



Well, I'm a lucky,

lucky girl.



For me,

it all started months ago...



at your Labor Day barbecue.




And you asked me how

to marinate ahi tuna,



and I said all you need

is Italian salad dressing.



Aah! You!



OFFICER: Stop that man!



Enough talking.






Well, that didn't exactly

go as well as I'd hoped.



MAN: You! Who are you?



- Are you the guy?

- Huh?



MAN: Thank God.

We got him, people!



Listen up. We're running late,

so pay attention.



You read the instruction manual

we sent you.



You know about

the important controls.



Here are a couple

of the changes.



There are three cutoff valves

to the nitrofuel.



HOWARD: What are you...



MAN: The normal reading

on the pressure gauge...



should read below   

not    like we told you earlier.



The emergency cutoff switch

is here.



The primary controls

are going to be right here.



There's a microphone

inside the helmet...



that will alter your voice

to the proper tonality.



Procedure wise, it's like

we discussed over the phone.



- Procedure?

- There shouldn't be problems.



- Ouestions?

- Yes.



Let me just take a moment

and speak for everyone...



when I thank you

for filling in for Pete.



It was a total freak accident

what happened at rehearsal.



We got the kinks

worked out of it.



The doctor said Pete showed

brain activity this morning.



That's a really good sign.



Move it out, people!



MAN: Finally!

Where the hell have you been?



I've been sweating like a dog

in a Chinese restaurant...



waiting for your sorry ass

to show up.



Well... it's show time.




I know you. You're Booster.



BOOSTER: Who do you think

you are... Mary Poppins?



MAN: Come on!

Let's go! Let's do it!



Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!




MAN: Have a great show.



LIZA: Now for the moment

you've been waiting for,



here he is.



Live and in person,

Turbo Man!






BOOSTER: Wave, you idiot! Wave!









This is cool. Ha ha!



JOHNNY: Yeah! Whoo!



JAMIE: Mom! It's Turbo Man!



LIZ: Ha ha ha!



I can get into this.



GALE: Turbo Man will select

a child from our audience.



LIZA: That child

will be the winner...



of a special edition

Turbo Man doll.



JOHNNY: Aw, man! Awesome!



JOHNNY: Aw, man! Awesome!



BOOSTER: Hey! You're supposed

to be holding this!









HOWARD: Yes! Yes!



BOOSTER: Hey, rock star?




BOOSTER: Be on your toes.



Dementor will be jumping

on the float soon.



Wha... Aah!



BOOSTER: Oh, what's he doing?



Would you pick a kid already?



Pick a kid?



BOOSTER: Pick a kid so he can

come up here and get his prize!



Pick me, Turbo Man!



Over here!



Pick me! Pick me!



JOHNNY: Over here!



JAMIE: He's looking at me.

JOHNNY: He's looking at me.



JAMIE: He's pointing at me.

JOHNNY: Naw, it's me!














He knows my name.



GALE: Turbo Man

has selected a winner.



Go ahead. Go ahead, honey. Go.

Go, Jamie!



Merry Christmas, Jamie.







How did you know my name?



Well, Jamie, you see,

I'm your fa...



LIZA: Oh, no, kids!



It's Turbo Man's archenemy




]Audience booing]



Aw, shut up! Shut up!



GALE: Was that scripted?



All right, kid. Give me

the doll, and nobody gets hurt.






That's right, Turtle Man.



Thought you could outsmart me,

didn't you?



Thought your little

suit idea was so slick.



I'm one step ahead of you

because I've got a bigger brain.



HOWARD: Just stay here.



Come on, Myron.

You're taking this too far.



I'm not going home

without that doll!



BOOSTER: This ain't the way

we rehearsed it!



You know what?

Nobody likes you, Booster.



BOOSTER: Ooh! Whoa!



- We don't like you!

- We hate you, Booster!







Where are you going, kid?



Come back here,

my little pretty,



and your little doll, too!




Hey, Myron! Leave the kid alone!



Ta-ta, Turtle Man.



LIZ: Boo! Boo!



Ha ha ha!



GALE: It looks like Dementor

has beaten Turbo Man.



LIZA: This could be the end

of civilization as we know it.



JAMIE: Do something,

Turbo Man!



Use your turbo disc!

On your arm!



Hey, Myron! I have

a special delivery for you.



- Huh?

- Hah!






Ha ha ha!



LIZA: It appears that Turbo Man

has saved the day.



HOWARD: I'm going to take you

back to your mom, OK?



DEMON TEAM: Demon team!



GALE: It's the Demon Team...

Dementor's evil henchmen!



Whatcha gonna do now, kid?



JAMIE: Hyah!







HOWARD: What about my son?

DEMON: Follow the choreography!




LIZ: Jamie!



MYRON: I ain't done, kid!



MYRON: Get out my way, box!

BOX: Oh!



MYRON: Come here!

I'm sorry I hollered!



Get out of my way!



Get out of my way!

Come here, boy!



Get that popcorn out of my face!

Come on!



Kid, you need a time-out.



LIZ: Jamie!



OFFICER: It's just a show.

Get back on the sidewalk.



LIZ: That's my son!



OFFICER: He's wonderful!

LIZ: He's not part of the show!



MYRON: I'm scared of heights.



You see the movie Vertigo?

That mean anything to you?



DEMON: Get this guy!

What are you doing? Aah!




Uncle Myron wants to talk.



All right, kid! End of the line!

Give me the doll!









LIZA: Fly! Fly, Turbo Man!

Use your jet pack!



It's turbo time!


















HOWARD: I think I'm getting

the hang of this!



Turbo Man! Help!



HOWARD: Jamie! I got you!



Jamie! Uh.



HOWARD: Oh. Out of my way!



WOMAN: Let us pray.



What the...






MYRON: I got you, kid.









MYRON: Give me the doll, kid!



JAMIE: Turbo Man,

use your turbo-rang!



Come on!




Ha ha! Missed me! Ha ha ha!



- Oh!

- Ha ha! Victory is mine!



Ha ha ha! V-i-c-t-o-r-y!















I got it! I got one!



I finally got one!



- Turbo Man! Help!

- Jamie!






HOWARD: Gotcha!






JAMIE: Thanks, Turbo Man.

I knew you'd save me.




You can always count on me.









HOWARD: Here you go, ma'am.



Mom! Did you see?

I flew with Turbo Man!



He saved me from Dementor!



It was the coolest!

Did you see? Did you?



LIZ: I saw. I saw.



Thank you. I don't think you

know how much he means to me.



Oh, I think I have an idea.



What's the matter, Jame?



It's just, I wish that Dad

could have been here, you know?



To see me fly and all.



But he didn't come,

and it's all my fault.



He's mad at me.

We had a fight on the phone,



and I kind of yelled at him.



HOWARD: Jamie,

your dad is not mad at you.



He loves you more than anything

in the whole, wide world.



You're his all-time

favorite person.



How do you know all that?



Well, who would know

better than me?



- Dad?

- Howard?



Right here.



- Howard!

- Oh, Liz...



you two mean more to me

than anything.



I'm sorry I haven't

shown that lately.



I know I've been neglecting

both of you,



but no more.



I love you.

I love you both.




Johnny, what's going on here?




Look! Jamie's dad is Turbo Man!



TED: Let's get out of here.

JOHNNY: You smell like barf!



OFFICER: Young man... I have

something that belongs to you.



- Thanks!

- You're welcome.



And as for you, Turbo Man,

we could use you on the force.



Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.



Oh, I'm sorry about the bike...

and the coffee...



and the bus...

and, uh, the bomb.



MYRON: I had it! I had it

right here in my hands!



What will I tell my son

Christmas morning?



- How will I look him in the eye?

- Wait.



MYRON: I had it, man.

JAMIE: Wait.



Merry Christmas.



Wow. Wow.



- But...

- Hey, thank you. Thank you.



You know, this is going to

make my son really happy.



I'm sorry about that little

tension we had on the roof.



JAMIE: Hey, it's cool.



But, Jamie, I thought you wanted

this doll more than anything.



I don't need the doll. I got

the real Turbo Man at home.






That... that's my husband.



CROWD: Turbo Man! Turbo Man!



That's my dad! That's my dad!




Jingle bells



Jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a '   Chevrolet



Jingle bells



Jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse open sleigh



Dashing through the snow



In a one-horse open sleigh



Over those fields we go



Laughing all the way



Bells on bobtails ring



Making spirits bright



What fun it is to ride and sing

a sleighing song tonight



Oh, jingle bells



J-jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a '   Chevrolet



Jingle bells, jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse open sleigh









Dashing through the snow



In a one-horse open sleigh



Over those fields we go



Laughing, laughing,

laughing, laughing



Bells on bobtail ring



Making those spirits bright



What fun it is to ride and sing

a sleighing song tonight






Jingle bells



Jingle, jingle,

jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a '   Chevrolet



Jingle bells, jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse










it's Christmastime again



The calendar says December



But it's wrong



'Cause Christmas is the time



When lovers pray divine



And people are meeting

and two hearts are beating



So they say

it's Christmastime, I know



But I'll just keep pretending

until they go



'Cause if they say

it's Christmas



I'll think you're here with me



If they say

it's Christmastime again



I wonder when your

Christmas card will come



I'll bet it's that

same old winter one



Where people are happy



And full of that joy



The spirit of giving

and loving and living



So you know when

Christmas rolls around



I just can't help

but feeling kind of down



'Cause you're my Christmastime



You're who I'm thinking of



When they say it's

Christmastime, my love



Christmastime, my love



It's Christmastime



So you know when Christmas

rolls around



I just can't help

but feeling kind of down



'Cause you're my Christmastime



The one I'm thinking of



When they say it's

Christmastime, my love



It's Christmastime



My love



It's Christmastime, my love



It's Christmastime



Christmastime, my love



Christmastime, my love



LIZ: Yay!




Look at that! There it is.



JAMIE: Voila!

LIZ: Beautiful!



JAMIE: Perfecto!



Howard, I've been thinking.



Everything that you went through

today for Jamie...



really shows how much

you love him.



And, uh,

and if you're willing...



to go through all of that

for him just for a present,



well, that makes me wonder.






What did you get me?




Special help by SergeiK