Joe Somebody Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Joe Somebody script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tim Allen movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Joe Somebody. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Joe Somebody Script


            Hi! How are you?

            Welcome to Bring Your Daughter To Work Day here at STARKe Pharmaceutical.

            [ Man ] Very nice. Home movies and family photos.

            That's... nice. It's novel.

            Pat, this is just a first cut, of course. It's--

            I was wondering how next month's Good Chemistry video is coming along.

            - I can have it by Thursday. - Pagel wants a look by Wednesday.

            - Gee, Wednesday would be-- - Perfect! Gotta run!

            This might be a good time to talk about that promotion of mine.

            Or those basketball tickets?

            All right. We'll do it some other time.

            Okay, then.


            Hey, let me give you a hand. Just hand me your staple gun.

            - The... what? - The staple gun.

            - It's right behind you. - Oh! Staple gun.

            Thank you. You are really saving me here.

            You're welcome. I love this whole ''Choose Happiness'' thing.

            Yeah. It's based on the classic philosophical concept...

            that happiness is a choice, not a condition.

            Maybe they're getting it on a subliminal level.

            It's Joe, isn't it? Joe... Scheffer.

            - Yeah. - Meg Harper.

            You did that great video for my department last summer.

            I know--

            [ Laughs ] It actually, um-- It made me cry.

            Why? 'Cause it was so--

            [ Clattering ]

            - Bad? - Not at all. Because it was so good!


            - How have you been,Joe? - I got a divorce, actually.

            Oh. Oh!

            - I'm so sorry. - No, no. That's okay.

            - You all right? - Yeah. You know, it's weird.

            No, but I'm doin' great. I stay busy.

            During the week, it's all about my daughter Natalie. She's   .

            On the weekends, schedule's totally whacked. I work out all the time.

            - Me too! - I got concerts, plays.

            I hike now. Got some Vibram sole boots.

            I do a little trekkin'. I travel extensively.

            - Sounds like you win. - I dance! Yeah.

            Not professionally, mind you, but I do go to clubs with other-- others.

            Geez,Joe, get off your ass and do something!

            - I'm thinking about getting a pilot's license. - I was kidding.

            - Oh! [ Laughs ] - [ Laughing ]

            I'm not gonna take lessons. Not gonna fly. I was joking too.

            Hey, I should buy you an almond-spiced latte.

            It's the least I can do for helping me with this--

            this whole-- with the banner.

            I got this work to do. I should just finish my lunch.

            I understand completely.

            - Okay? - Okay.

            [TV Announcer ] Volomin, from STARKe Pharmaceuticals.

            Making you better than you really are.

            Possible side effects may include depression, general discomfort,

            headaches, blurred or distorted vision, loss of balance,

            dry mouth, numbness, periodontal disease, lockjaw,

            tremors, heart palpitations, varicose veins,

            liver damage, kidney failure, loss of taste, loss of smell, loss of sight,

            early Alzheimer's, cardiac arrest,

            and in extremely rare cases... death.

            Volomin. Making you better than you really are.

            [ Natalie ] Daddy!

            Hey, Nat!

            Hi, Dad!

            - Yea! - Oh! Mmm.

            Did you have fun?

            Weekend from hell.

            They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant.

            - With the most absurd one-man play ever produced. - ''Silly-ass''?

            - Dad! -Just find an alternative.


            Everything on the menu was made with curd.

            Curd this, curd that. I ordered a hamburger,

            and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress.

             And the guy in the play was half naked.

              - What? Which half? - Dad!

              Did you get the T'wolves tickets?

              No, I didn't this time. The list for company tickets is real long.

              - You know, I'm gonna get a promotion-- - Dad!

              The best view is on TV anyway.

              - [ Man Doing Voice Exercises ] - Rick's here.

              Mah, mah, mah, hah-mah. Hah-mah, may, mee, mo, moo.

              Hey! There he is. Hah-mah.

              You become a farmer?

              No,Joe, I'm an actor dressed as a farmer for an audition.

              - Sorry. - Come on, Nat, let's go.

              Hah, yah, yah, yah.

              - Hey,Joe. - Hi, Callie.

              We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?

              Yeah. The actors were naked.

              - So were the ushers. - They were not!

              Callie, Beauty and the Beast is in town. What's the matter with that?

              We're just trying to expose Natalie to serious theater.

              - Bye, sweetie. Here's for lunch today. - [ Rick ] Ooh-ahh.

              Thanks, Mom.


              [ Rick ] I love your hair down. So sexy.

              - Stop. Really? - So soft.

              We should probably get going.

              - Come on, Dad. - Bye,Joe.

              - Bye. - See you next weekend, sweetie.

              We're gonna see an authentic Indonesian dance troupe.

              It's a dream come true, Mom.


              Why do I have to spend weekends with them?

              Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave?

              Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower.

              - And that made you what? Dirt? - Nat, she's your mom.

              [ Natalie ] Let's get started on this ''Take Your Daughter to Work''thing.

              I'm supposed to interview you, and then write a report for school.

              All right, let her rip.

              Okay. Ah--

              Did you always know you wanted to be a video communications specialist?

              Actually, at first I wanted to be Batman.

              But he had no powers. AndAquaman-- I don't like water.

              So Spider-Man-- That's what I always wanted to be.

              - Dad, this is supposed to be serious. - I really don't know what to say.

              I have a really great job.

              But to be honest, it's not the job I've always dreamt about having.

              - I thought you wanted to be a writer. - You're the writer, okay?

              I've read your play ten times. It's amazing! How come you only wrote one?

              Writing was a dream I had when I was a kid. And then I grew up.

              But dreams are important to hold on to! Come on!

              You're gonna be a great writer. You have that special spark.

              I knowthat, but that spark is gonna go out unless you write. Now write this.

              - [ Horn Honking ] - Hey, watch it, ass... guy.

              Nice save.

              - [Joe ] You all right? - Yeah, I'm fiine.

              - What's his hurry? - He's just a lunatic.

              - It's so crowded. - I think they manufacture people here.

              Below, in the basement, they make people.

              - Look, look. - Oh, wait, she's pulling out.

              [ Horn Honking, Brakes Squealing ]

              - Hey! That guy's an ass-wipe! - Natalie.

              Sorry. I meant ''ass-guy.''

              That's Mark McKinney.

              He's a seven-year employee.

              What's he doing in the ten-year lot?

              Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.

              No, he's not. I'll be right back.

              - Excuse me. Mark? - Yeah?

              Yeah, this is a ten-year lot.

              And you're not a ten-year associate, are you?

              - [ Laughs ] You're kiddin', right? - No.

              No, this is actually the ten-year lot.

              And this is the last space, and if I don't park here...

              my daughter and I will have to come way over from the west lot.

              - You actually brought your daughter to work? - Yeah.

              I thought only the mothers were doin' that.

              I'd just appreciate it if you'd park someplace else.

              You know what I think, um--

              - What's your name again? -Joe Scheffer. I work--

              Joe, I think walking from the west lot...

              is probably better than getting your ass kicked in front of your little girl.

              Wait a minute! Are you like threatening to hit me?

              Tell you what,Joe.


              I'm gonna give you to five to get back in your car.

              No. I'm not gonna-- No.

              - No, this is the ten-year lot. - One.

              - Two. - Do you have any idea of the crap I've been through--

              - Daddy! - Stay in the car!

              Turn around, and get back in your car.

              - That's my space! - Daddy!

              Daddy! Daddy!

              - Leave him alone, dirtbag! - Don't call anyone a dirtbag.

              - Daddy, you okay? You're bleeding. - I'm good. I just tripped.

              I'm okay. Let's go.

              I think maybe I'm just gonna take you to school.

              - [ Phone Ringing ] - [ Glass Falls To Floor ]

              [ Coughs ]

              [Joe OnAnswering Machine ] You've reached the Scheffers.

              [ Natalie On Answering Machine ] Wait for the beep.

              [ Natalie ] Dad, pick up.

              Dad, it's been two days.

              - Hey! - Dad?

              Are you okay?

              - Yeah, I'm great. - You don't sound great.

              Mom and Rick have friends over for yoga.

              So I can sneak out and be home in no time.

              No, Nat. Um, I got, um--

              Friends from-- We got a bunch--

              - We're gonna edit-- - Dad, just tell me something.

              Is it you don't wanna see me? Or is it you don't want me to see you?

              Yes, to the second one.

              Dad, please just let me come over,

              -just for a little while. - It's okay. Everything's all right.

              I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a--

              a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

              So, let's see.

              Either you're lying or you've grown an ovary.

              How old are you again?

              Dad, I'm scared.

              What are you scared of?

              I'm not sure. I just miss you.

              It's gonna be okay, Natalie, I promise. It's gonna be fine.

              Okay. Your turn.

              What are you scared of?

              Disappearing, I think.

              Disappearing, I think.

              - [ Knock On Door ] - [ Gasps ] Hang on a second!

              Hang on!


              [ Sniffing ] Are you smoking?

              Please. Like the coordinator of the company wellness program would smoke!


              You should've come with me to the Human Resources Conference.

              Hawaii... was amazing. I brought you a little... something.

              ''George Kahumoku,Jr. Sings Hawaiian Love Songs.''

              - You don't have it, do you? - No!

              I'm gone for three days and employees are fighting like schoolkids in the lot.

              This McKinney, I know everybody hates that big jerk. But this Joe ''Shepherd''--

              - Scheffer.Joe Scheffer. - Scheffer.

              He did the video for the wellness program last year.

              - Remember? - Oh, he's the A-V guy.

              - Video communications specialist. - Ooh! That's very different then.

              Actually,Jeremy, he's a good guy.

              I ran into him the other day. He's quiet, hard-working.

              Maybe a little shaky right now. He's going through a divorce.

              It's really sad. He kept telling me how great--

              Any work-related problems prior to the incident?

              He was promised a promotion almost a year ago, and never happened.

              So, basically, he's a schmuck.

              The guy's a devoted father,

              a hard worker with nothing but positive reviews.

              That makes him a schmuck?

              His wife left him. He was passed over for a promotion...

              and he just got bitch-slapped in the company parking lot.

              I'm gonna go with... yeah!

              So, what are we doin' about it?

              Well, ''we'' have left him several messages. I'm waiting to hear back--

              Whoa. That's not enough. It's been three days.

              We're under review. The efficiency Nazis are all over us.

              Employees fighting in the parking lot sort of undercuts...

              the company wellness program, if you know what I mean.

              -Do you think I'm not doing my job? -It doesn't matter what I think.

              But what if he decides to sue? What if he sues the living daylights...

              out of the company for failure to create a safe work environment,

              or, uh, uh, emotional distress?

              But you and me, Meg... Megs, we're on the same page.

              We're the ''A'' team. We can make this go away. I know we can.

              - I'll call him again. - Nope. That time has passed.

              - You go get Joe ''Schlepper.'' -Joe Scheffer.

              - Go get him? At his house? Go-- - Go get him. At his house.

              Go get him at his house and bring him back to work. I know you can do it.

              - Megs? Yeah, go get him. - Yeah? Yeah.


              [ Fly Buzzing ]


              Have you, uh, left the house at all in the past three days?

              - I had some cleaning to do. - Mm-hmm. I can see that.

              Is that-- It's bleach, huh?

              It's the only thing that really gets the stains out.

              - Would you hold that for a minute? - Sure. Um,Joe.

              We'd really like for you to come back to work.

              You and I can work through this thing together.

              Do you think this will dry darker than the rest of the ceiling?

              If this drys darker, then I'm gonna notice this stain.

              I'm always gonna look at this stain.

              I'd have to paint the whole ceiling. I might as well do that right now.

              Joe, could you please slow down for a minute?

              I would really like to talk to you about this.

              - What's in the bag? Is that bottles? - No!

              Oh! I'm gonna need more bleach.

              - [Vacuum Whirring ] - I would really like to help you.


              He took something from me.

              Your parking space.

              But it's not exactly your parking space that he took, is it,Joe?

              Yes, it's exactly that. It's my parking space.

              How 'bout when you come back to work, we give you an assigned space, huh?

              - I can't go back. - Why not,Joe?

              Would you mind not saying my name so much?

              Maybe you could just come in for a couple of hours--

              I'm sorry... I can't.

              - McKinney's been suspended,Joe. - You said my name again.

              Fine! Okay, fine. I will never say your name again... ever.

              Look, McKinney's not coming back for a few weeks,Joe.

              Then he has to attend my fiive-step anger diffusion workshop called''RELAX.''

              - That stands for Releasing-- - It doesn't matter.

              No. Regulating Emotional Levels And-- ''X.'' What the hell is ''X''?

              - I'm not comin' back. - Do you think--

              -It doesn't matter what you say. -Oh, geez! What do you want?


              I'm sorry.

              Did you say, ''What do you want?''

              I'm taking this too personally.

              Things have been really difficult in our department, and I need--

              What do I want? [ Muttering ]

              I need you to come back.

              - [ Panting ] - Joe?

              - [ Hyperventilating ] -Joe?

              You're having a panic attack.

              Joe, do you know what that means?

              It... sounds... pretty self-explanatory.

              Okay. It's just-- It's a chemical misfire.

              You're not dying,Joe.

              Ten years in a goddamn cubicle.

              Then you wake up one day, and then--

              And I don't have a place to park.

              What can I do for you,Joe?


              [ Announcer ] Zylol-- From STARKe Pharmaceuticals.

              For the best you can be.

              Possible side effects may include nausea, drowsiness,

              dry throat, cough, unexpected gas--

              What do you want?

              [ Vomiting ]

              Okay, now what do you want?


              God, tell me you didn't bleach yourself.

              Just the shirt. Coffee?

              - Thank you. - You're welcome.

              Joe, have you ever heard of manic depression?

              Yeah. [ Laughing Hysterically ]


              See, this-- This is way out of my league.

              And what I do have is the number of a great psychiatrist.

              No, I'm cured!

              Okay, right. She's probably in the office this morning--

              - Meg! Oh, this is-- You cured me! - I cured you?

              Yes! When you asked me that question that scared me so much that I almost passed out.

              For the first time since I can remember, I have an answer. I know what I want!

              - And it's all thanks to you. - Excellent.

              [ Exhales ] I am gonna kick Mark McKinney's ass! Yeah!

              - [Jeremy ] You gotta be kidding. - [ Meg ] But he wants to do it.

              [Jeremy ] Scheffer's gonna come back for seconds?

              McKinney smacked him all over the lot, for Christ's sake.

              - Well, that's sensitive. - I'm sensitive.

              I like herbal tea and Deepak Chopra and people who come back to work.

              He's gonna come to his senses, right, Meg? He's not gonna fiight.

              Meg! Besides, it's not like he knows where McKinney lives.

              Aah! Aah!

              Damn it!

              You don't have a gun, do you?

              I didn't come over here to shoot you.

              If you're here to threaten a lawsuit, my attorney tells me...

              I can keep you tied up-- I'm not here to sue ya.

              You took something of mine. I want it back.

              When your suspension's over, I wanna fiight you again.

              You're all hopped up on samples, aren't ya?

              What are you on? Zylol? Volomin?

              I'm not on anything! I just know what I want.

              I want a rematch.

                [ Boom Box;Rock ]

              Oh, my God.

              [ Dummy ] Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

              - Oh, look. - Low blow. Low blow.

                [ Clicks Off]

              What, are you like   ?

              The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got arms!

              What are you doin' here? Don't you have school today?

              I needed to see you.

              Hey, hey, hey.

              Okay. I want to see you too.

              - We gotta get you back to school. - Dad, I really wanna talk about this!

              [ Natalie ] You knowthat big jerk took it easy on you, right?

              What makes you think he won't kill you this time?

              - Dad! - You made your point.

              - Good. - It's my turn.

              I don't want you skipping school anymore.

              - Just biology lab. I can make it up. - It's not just a biology lab.

              It's a choice that'll affect the rest of your life.

              First you skip biology.

              Then you don't get in the right college, then you end up--

              Then you're a middle-aged guy fighting in the parking lot at work?

              Miss Scheffer, you missed fourth period again.

              Funny thing.

              You might have gotten away with it if not for these little disappearances.

              - Gotten away with? - Blending in.

              - Could you get to the point? - Could you sit up?

              Go on!

              Hiding in the back of the classroom, not speaking up. What, just skating by?

              - Is this about my grades? - Yes, it is.

              I just pulled your elementary school records. What did I find?

              StraightA's right down the line, baby girl.

              Advanced courses in math and English.

              Still trying to find the art fair,

              spelling bee or writing competition you didn't win?

              I was an overachiever. I'm settling into my natural groove now.

              But you just couldn't ''vanilla down'' the writing, could you?

              In my    years as a counselor,

              I have never seen writing like yours from a   -year-old.

              Look at me.

              I understand you were invited to write for the theater club and you said no.

              - What are you afraid of? - Dogs. Not all dogs--

              How are things at home, Natalie?

              - See you, Meg. - Bye.

              - Hey, Neva. Who's in there? Really. -Joe Scheffer.

              Everybody is talking about this.

              - It is all over campus. - Thanks.

              [Jeremy ] There are plenty of people I'd like to slap around.

              We all have those feelings, but we suppress them.

              Then we go home and we drink. That's what separates us from animals.

              That and cable.

              [ Knocking On Door ]

              - Hi. - Hi.

              What's going on?

              Joe here issued a physical challenge to Mark McKinney.

              But now, now he's come to his senses. Right,Joe?


              I can see how goin' to his house was a mistake.

              - Whoa. - I stepped over the line.

              How do I know he didn't go easy on me the first time?

              That's right. We can fix this,Joe.

              Let's get Mark on the phone and put an end to this nonsense right now.

              What do you say?

              - You okay? - Yeah, I--

              I could use a drink actually.


              - Water. - Scotch and water.

              Just water.

              - [ Grunts ] - What?

              Um, there's a water cooler just down the hall.

              Yeah, I'll get it. I'll be back.

              [ Gasps ]

              That was Joe--

              - You're Joe Scheffer, right? - Right.

              -Just wanted to say hello. Dan Lasky. - Hi, Dan.

              - And I'm Abby. - Hi, Abby.

              Been waiting for three years for someone to drop that jerk.

              - Wh-Wh-Whoa. - Hey, everybody.

              This is my hero. Kick his butt,Joe.

              Really. Kick his butt.


              -Joe Scheffer. - Huh?

              Yeah! This is the man!

              All right, look out now.

              - Cade Raymond. - Cade, how are you doing?

              Good, good. You know what?

              I'm calling your fight ''The Thrilla in Vanilla.''

              Vanilla? [ Laughing ]

              - Get it? - No.

              Couple suburban white guys.

              - Huh? - Oh, yeah.


              - You like squash? - With butter and brown sugar? You bet!

              Because I need a partner tomorrow at  :  .

              - Oh, squash squash! - You know. Up at Club   .

              - Club   . - You never been up there.

              - You know, I get busy downstairs. -Joe, my man.

              We've got to fix that. Huh?

              - You're kidding. - You can play, right?

              - Yeah. - Cool, cool.  :  .

              You the man.

              - You the man! - Yeah.

              I've got my money on Joe Scheffer.


              Great. Uh, Mark, Joe's here now.

              Oh, all right, I get it.

              You wanna back out. Probably wanna be best friends.

              Mark, what I want is for you to remember the fight.

              Right? Three weeks, the ten-year parking lot at  :   a.m.

              - You got it? - [ Mark ] Bring it on.

              No, no, M-Mark? Mark? Wow.

              [ Horn Honking ]

              You comin' or goin', dude?

              I was just driving by to take-- you know-- To find out more--

              - Somethin' bad happen to ya? - No, no, no, no, no.

              I thought it just is a great time for me to take a self-defense class.

              - You got your ass kicked, huh? - Who told you?

              - You didn't read about it in the paper? - What?

              Front page. Daily Wuss.

              Come on. Guys who get their asses kicked, that's   %of my business.

              Come on in. Come on.

              - Is this you? - Yeah.

              Maximum Punishment.

              - That looks good. - No,

              maximum punishment was watching the damn thing.

              - Tom Sawyer? - Loose adaptation.

              Tom played a rival ninja. I killed him.

              - What happened? - I don't know.

              The producer had foreign distribution--   %he'd charge:

              ''Oh, I need the money for my wife! I have a house in Las Brisas.''

              No, no, I mean, you know. What happened?


              Come on, I wanna hear a really sad story.


              I, um-- I got beat up...

              in front of my   -year-old daughter and a bunch of coworkers.

              [ Sighs ] Damn.

              - Yeah. - I was really hoping to give a shit.


              - What? - You got your ass kicked.

              Now you wanna get all Bruce Lee and stuff. You're losin' me.

              Hey, I didn't come over here to have my angst reviewed...

              by some has-been movie star.

              Ooh! 'Angst reviewed, '' ''movie star''in the same sentence.

              You must be very proud of yourself...

              for a man who just got made into a wimp in front of his daughter.

              Why don't you just shut up?

              Why don't you come over here and make me?

              [ Sighs ]


              Come on.

              - I figure I got it comin'. - You don't think I'll do it, do you?

              - [Yells ] - [ Groans ]

              - Geez, I'm sorry. - [ Gagging ]

              I'm really torqued, man. I didn't mean that to hurt.

              Are you all right? Take a deep one, man.

              That's it.Just draw it in, dude. You'll be all right.

              - [ Coughing ] -Jesus. I'm really sorry, man.

              Let me give you a free lesson.

              My way of saying, ''Don't press charges.''

              Mr. Scheffer? Welcome to Club   .

              Follow me.

              - Did you bring your own equipment? - Was I supposed to?

              No, not a problem. We've got everything you need.

              [Joe ] Great. Load me up.

              Holy crap! Dude, the hockey rink's next door.

              Yet somehow it works for ya.

              - Hey, it's my partner you're talking about. Joe Scheffer. - Hey, Cade.

              - I'm Peter. - Hello, Peter.

              - I'm Peter too. - Two Peters.

              - Actually it'd be four peters. - [ Men Laugh ]

              - All right,Joe. We're serving. - Good, okay.

              - Over here. - Right. From here in the red thing.

              I haven't played since, you know...yesterday.

              - [ Shouts ] - You okay?

              Yeah. It's a little longer than I'm used to.

              All right.

              - I think it's dead. - That's pretty funny.

              Maybe I should serve first.

              All right, gentlemen, here we go. Let's get it on.

              Okay, that's six-one.

              Your Zen approach is really workin'.

              Don't be fooled now. First he gets inside your head, then it's all action.

              Ow! Ow! Oh!

               Give the past the slip  

              Ooh! Nice stop,Joe.

              - You must have balls of steel. - [ Clinking Sound ]

               Now whip it into shape  

               Shape it up  

               Get straight Go forward  

               It's not too late to whip it  

                Whip it good  

              Looks like you need some work on your forehand.

              But I do have that ''balls of steel'' thing goin' on, right?

              Scheffer, you are one funny guy.

              You think that's funny? Wait till they bill us for that display case.

              - [ Everyone Laughing ] - Come on, let's play.

               I say whip it  

                Whip it good   

              - They're killin' us. -Joe, game point. Let's do this.


              Did you see that?

              - Great shot! - That was amazing! Good save.

              We gotta do this again.

              - [ Cade ] Abby Manheim. - Yeah.

              - I'll be seein' you Friday night. - Friday night?

              Yeah, we're celebrating Abby's five-year anniversary with the company.

              A little karaoke thing. Countin' on you bein' there.

              - You are? - You kiddin' me? You're Joe Scheffer.

              And fiinally, how does it feel...

              to have created one of the most vibrant theaters in Minnesota?

              Suffice it to say,

              the fiirst time I sawthat    -year-old curtain go up,

              a curtain went up in my heart.

              - Thank you so much. - Amy, thanks.

              - Great to meet you. - Thanks.

              - Hey. What's goin' on? - Hey.

              I got a call from Natalie's counselor. Seems our gifted child...

              has been hiding her light under a bushel.

              She was asked by the theater club to write a play, and she declined.

              What? Wait, wait.

              - Natalie, what's this about? - It's so nothing.

              It's so something. And you're gonna do it.

              - Says who? - Says me.

              How was I?

              [ Rick ] When you said the curtain went up in your heart, it was so sexy.

              - What a line! - Was I okay?

              Hey, Rick, do you mind not doin' that in front of me? Huh?

              Callie, could we talk outside?

              [ Callie ] So what is it?

              Could you please keep Natalie a little while longer?

              - Sure. - Thanks.

              Hey, have you been working out?

              Um, I played squash with some of the executives at work.

              Squash at work!

              - You? - Yeah, me.




              I'm ready. I'm very excited.

              I've given it a lot of thought,

              and I know exactly what I want to do to that guy.

              New gi?

              - Yeah. - Cool.

              - Okay. I wanna psyche the guy out. - Okay.

              - This is like half mental, right? - Yeah.

              So we go with Clint Eastwood. That stare of his.


              - ''You talkin' to me?'' I won't say that. - I gotcha, I'm followin' ya.

              Okay, okay. Then I cut loose. A lot of moves.

              You teach me that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff.

              I'm sure the run across the buildings is a bit advanced, but we can get to it.

              Then go to the Matrix stuff. A lot of movement.

              This stuff s gotta be unsettling.

              Then you go into a pose. Hah!

              What do you think?

              - Well, not good. - Why not?

              That's why. Okay?

              - Okay. - All right. Let's go.

              Look! There's one of my balls.



              We only got two weeks.

              So we're not gonna train you to be a warrior,

              'cause, well-- let's face it.

              - Come on. Let's keep it simple. - [ Groans ]

              - Got it? You all right? - Uh-huh.

              Now, I want you to show me what this guy did to you.

              Okay. Um, let's say you're me. That's where I work. I drove in there.

              Said, ''Hey, you can't park there.'' He said, ''Yes, I can.''

              Silent movies, okay,Joe?

              Let's get right to the action.

              Come on. Show me exactly what he did. Here.

              Stand there. I'm you. Okay?

              - You want me to hit you? - I want you to try, Beavis.

              You're going to kick me in the nuts again.

              That's it. There you go.

              - He just-- Was a quick slap. - Okay.

              I could've done that, but it was fast. I could hardly see it comin'.

              - Okay. - Look over there.

              Wow! I like that!

              So it's just hands. Just show me the--

              Okay, okay, easy, windmill.


              Okay. All right. Try to hit me in the face.

              - Ready? - Yeah.

              - Okay, okay. - Good.

              Crosses and jabs. Mix it up a little bit. Crosses, jabs.

              Now, really try to hit me. Come on.

              - Ow! That hurt. - Cover your face! Always keep your hand up.

              - That hurt! - I know it hurt. Let's go!

              - Okay, let's do it again. - Does anybody ever come back here?

               Don't be shive by the tone of my voice  

               Just got my new weapon The weapon of choice  

               Don't be shive--  

              I could wear that.

              That is a ten-year associate's suit.

              But you're not a ten-year associate.

              You shouldn't be wearing a suit like this. No, I'm not kidding.

              I'd just appreciate it if you'd wear another suit.

              Look at me.

              Um, tell you what.

              I'm gonna give you to the count of five to get out of that suit...

              and get your shiny little blemish-free head back into storage.

              One. Two.


              I'll take everything I see here.

              And if necessary I will buy that head.

               All of your time spent  

               Keeps us alive  

              ! All you people can't you see !

              ! How your love's affecting our reality !

               Every time we're down you can make it right  

               And that makes you larger than life  

               Every time we're down  

                Yeah you can make it right  

                Yeah, that's what makes you larger than life  


              ! All you people can't you see !

              ! How your love's affecting our reality !

              ! Every time we're down !

              ! You can make it right !

                That makes you larger  

                That makes you larger than life   

              [ Crowd Chanting ] Joe! Joe! Joe!

              Hey, Meg!

              Hold up, Meg, Meg!

              - Are you leavin' already? - Yeah. Yeah.

              Looks like you're hangin' with the cool kids now. Nice hair.

              - You like it? - Hmm.

              You wanna do something else?

              You owe me that almond-spiced latte.

              Um, actually I keep pretty early hours.

              It's only    to  :  .

              I have extensive grooming rituals. Maybe some other time.

              Okay. Some other time.

              Some of the best times I've ever had have been... other times.

              - Yeah. Good night,Joe. - Good night.

              Good night, Meg.

              How 'bout Monday?

              What's that?

              Monday would be another time.




              [ Chuck ] How you feelin'today?

              Confident Very confident.

              [ Grunting ]

                [ Rock ]

              - Still confident? - Aw,just kick me in the nuts.

              Dude, come on. We're down to ten days.

              -  Sometimes   - Let's go to the back.

              -  I feel like I can do anything  - Come on, come on, come on.

                [ Continues, Indistinct ] Let's do some evasion. Come on.

              Let's go.

              I want you to focus. I want you to hit my chest.

              This is a body, not a bag. Now, come on. Give it to me.

              Come on, come on. No. No.

              No, no, no, no, no.

              - You've gotta concentrate. - I am! You put your hands up,

              Come on! Give it to me! Come on.

              - [ Grunts ] - Face. Cover the face.

              What do I want?

              Why don't I just ''Buff Up''?

              Buff up.

              Ain't gonna help.

              [ Woman On P.A.] Checkout lane    is now open.

              [ Engines Revving ]

              [ Crashing ]

              [ Laughing ]

              One, two, three, four--


              - Aw. - Excuse me!

              Hey. Excuse me. This is the ten-item lane.

              - You can't stay here. - What are you gonna do about it?

              He can't stay here, right? This is a ten-item limit.

              Huh? Doesn't anybody care?

              This guy has got way more than ten items in his cart.

              What are you gonna do about it?

              [ Man, Faraway Voice ] Sir? Sir?

              Sir. Can I help you?

              No. I got it.



              [ Imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger ] To you, Monster Man.


              [ Groaning ]

              - What's that? - That's a high-protein drink.

              - With candy? - For bulk.

              So... this is gonna be you, huh?

              [ Imitating Schwarzenegger ] Eventually it will be.

              Dad, fighting that guy is not the answer.

              Look, as soon as I decided to fight, good things started to happen,

              with the exception of that protein shake.

              - I want good things to happen to me. - [ Phone Rings ]

              [ Ringing Continues ]


              Hi. This is Meg Harper. I'm the wellness coordinator at STARKe.

              - Oh! You probably want my dad. - Yeah, thanks.

              Dad! Meg Harper, the STARKe wellness coordinator.

              - Natalie. Hi, Meg. - Hi,Joe. Hi.

              Um, look. You kinda caught me off guard the other night,

              and I forgot that I sort of...

              already have a-- a thing on Monday night.

              - Thing? - Yeah.

              - Well, what time's your thing? - At  :  .

              But if you wanted to meet me afterwards, um-- I don't know.

              You could meet me at the St. Agnes Gym in St. Paul anytime after  :  

              'cause by then I should be done with my thing.

              That'll be great. I'll stop by after  :  .

              That's great. Okay. Bye. [ Exhales ]

              That's great. Okay. Bye. [ Exhales ]

              - Ready? On one. Ready, and-- - Yeah.

              One, clap. One, clap. Two, clap. Two, clap.

              Keep your face covered.

               I say sometimes  

              -  I feel like I could do anything  - Good!

              -  Sometimes I'm so good   - Smokin'Joe! Feelin' good, huh?

              - Yeah! - Okay, come on, big guy. Come on.

              - You all right? - No!

              - Shower? - Yeah.

               Peace to the people who be far and away  

                To make you home today  

               Peace to the people who be tryin'to fiind  

               Some kind of light  

               Sometimes I feel like I can do anything 

               Sometimes I'm so  

               So alive Sometimes  

               I feel like I can do anything 

               Sometimes I walk  

               Most people try to aim to please  

               But a lot of them are kinda weak in the knees  

               Learnin'later 'bout the birds and the bees  

               Fall on the level Want to be set free  

               Playin'ball at the age of     

               Everybody's goin' up with a dream  

               I never noticed what could happen to me  

               Some kind of light  

               Sometimes I feel like I could do anything 

               Sometimes I'm so  

               So alive Sometimes  

              Joe, you look great. Wow.

               Sometimes I feel like I could soar cross the sky  

                Yeah, cross the sky  

                Yeah, cross the sky  

              -   Yeah    - Hey,Joey.Joe-Joe!

              Hi, Pat. Just trying to take care of my emails. I got     of them today.

              Mmm. Senor Popular.

              [ Laughs ] Hey, let's take a walk.

              - [Joe ] Where we goin; Pat? - Uh-uh, bear with me.

              You've been doing some pretty amazing work lately,Joe.

              - I have? - Oh, you've really kicked it into the next gear, mister.

              Taken it up a notch. That's why it is my pleasure-- no--

              my honor-- to promote you!

              Not to manager of media services, as you'd hoped.

              But all the way to director of internal communications.

              - That's higher, right? - You betcha.

              Hey, hey. What's this?

              An empty space so close to the building?

              Who does it belong to, I wonder?

              - No. - Tah-dah!

              Huh? Huh?

              - Huh? Huh? - Wow. Wow!

              - [ Laughs ] - I don't know what to say, Pat!

              - But wait, there's more. - [ Muffled ] How can there be more?

              Your own key to the health center, Club   .

              - You're official now. - Oh, look at that.

              And... Timberwolves! Tonight.

              Best seat in the house.

              - No frickin' way. - Oh, yes, frickin' way.

              - [ Mumbling Around Cigar ] - [ Laughs ]

               DJX is cryin'again  

               Diesel, tribal lovers end  

               I don't wanna be a mover jockey, peeler, ghetto groover  

               I can suck her super bad  

               Dig it  

               Dig it  

               Dig it till the sun goes down  

              Yeah, where's them bosses now, huh?

               Dig it  

               Dig it  

               Dig it till the sun goes down  

               No,yo, no,yo, no,yo  

              -  Dig it, Dig it   - [ Screaming ]

               Dig it till the sun goes down   

              [ Announcer ] The Minnesota Timberwolves would like to welcome you...

              to tonight's game between the Los Angeles Lakers...

              and your Minnesota Timberwolves.

              - [ Announcer Continues ] - Joe!

              Joe! Over here!

              - What a surprise. - Hi.

              - Hey. - Aren't these seats great?

              Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

              Ladies and gentlemen, Governor Jesse Ventura and the Target Center...

              would like to welcome this evening's Wolf Pack corporate sponsor,

              STARKe Worldwide Pharmaceuticals.

              For the protection of the players and fans,

              and in the spirit of good sportsmanship--

              - [ Continues, Indistinct ] - There we are.

              Mah, mi, may, moo, moo. Moo, moo, moo.

              Does he have to do that all night long?

              It's like living with a friggin' cow.

              - He's an actor. They do that. - What'd I miss?

              - Mom! - What? Oh, it just started.

              [ Announcer ] Matos for the Lakers, top of the key, moves it on the wing.

              Oh, my God! That's your father!

              [ Announcer ] One of the best of the Lakers. Shot in the air is no good.

              Rebound's tapped towards the sideline. Ooh!

              -Ooh. -Reggie Blunt went right into the crowd.

              - [ Joe ] I got the ball. - [ Announcer ] That had to hurt.

              - Are you okay,Joe? - [ Groans ]

              - All right? - Yeah. Thanks.

              Did your dad get that promotion?

              - Apparently. - [Ventura ] Are you all right?

              - Yeah. - Hey, that was one heck of a fall.

              Does Dad know the governor?

              -[ Ventura ] Careful when you sit there. -I don't know.

              Mah, mi, may, moo. Ay-ah, ay-ah, ay-ah.

              - Ay-ah, ay-ah, ay-ah. - Rick!

              - Put a cork in it. - Sorry.

              - Please. - [ Enunciating Carefully ] Sorry.


              -   [ Boom Box: Rock ] - Oh. She shoots,

              and she misses-- oh, okay!

              Nice try. Too bad.

              - And this is gonna tie it up. - Bring it on, Wonder Bread.

              Did you call me Wonder Bread? Don't be scared of me, Sharone.

              - I'm not scared of you. - Oh, no? I own you.

              Oh! Yes! [ Laughs ] Yes!

              -   [ Continues ] - Uh-huh. That was mine. That's right.

              - So it's true. - What's that?

              That white girls can't dance.

              Oh, really, Sharone.

              Yeah. That's right.


              All right. You guys gotta get outta here, 'cause I've gotta go home. Bye.

              - Bye. - Good job. Nice work, Sharone.

                [ Clicks Off]

              [ Sharone ] Take some dance lessons.

              - [ Girls Laughing ] - [Joe Clapping ]

              So, you showed up after all.

              I left a T'wolf game at halftime.

              I had a-- a courtside seat.


              Well, let's see if you learned anything.

              Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wha--

              Scheffer heads towards the hoop.

              You know when he gets this look in his eye, the defense has no chance.

              He's like a force of nature, really. What can they--

              - Oh. - No one can score on him.

              Joe Scheffer-- Ooh.

              - [ Laughs ] - Just got beat...

              - by a girl. - [ Chuckles ]

              - [Joe ] What was that back there? - It's like a big sister program.

              I just started volunteering a couple of weeks ago.

              I grew up around here.

              How long were you standing there anyway?

              I got there right before you did that little victory dance.

              - If that's what you're asking. - Oh, oh, no, no.

              Please say something now to make me feel less...

              like throwing myself down these steps.

              Okay. I'll be flat out amazed...

              if I can think of anything else for at least a week.

              That'll do.

              - You're really good with those girls. - Thanks.

              Yeah, you know the people at work.

              I think maybe I'm getting them a little late.

              - Yeah? - Mmm.

              I got a promotion today.

              - Director of internal communications. - Really!

              [Joe Conversing, Indistinct ]

              Oh, I don't know about that. Oh.

              - On the house, Meggie. - Thank you, Mike.

              - Meggie? - Yeah. My mom used to work here.

              As a matter of fact,

              I did most of my homework in that booth right over there.

              - [ Bottles Clink ] - Cheers.


              - [ Laughs ] - What?

              Mmm. I don't know about the hair.

              - You don't like it? - Well, it's just-- I don't know.

              You look like everybody else now.

              And before, I was--

              Well, you were you. You were...Joe.

              You were exactly who you were.

              Well, I wasn't gettin' a lot of positive feedback...

              - with who I was. - Mmm.

              Maybe you were asking the wrong people.

              - We need music. - Yeah! Oh, I got money.

              I got quarters.

              - Random picks? - No. I grew up in this bar. I told you.

              - I knowthis jukebox by heart. - Right.

              -   [ Soft Guitar ] - Try me.

              Yeah. Okay.

              Sit down, shut your eyes and don't look.

              Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes.

              [ Female Vocalist On Jukebox ]  For you  

              -   There'll be no clouds   - Uh--

              A- .

              -  For you   - ''The Way You Look Tonight.''

              -   The sun   - F- .

              -   Will be shining  - Uh--

              -   'Cause I feel   - ''I Like it Like That.''

              -   That moon   - F- .

              ''You,'' uh--

              ''Go to My Head.'' Joe, are you flirting with me?

              -  [ Continues ] -It's been so long, I'm not really sure.

              Well, let's say that you were.

              - Okay. - You wanna dance?

              - Here? - On the bar.

              - No. - Come on.

               Knowthe score  

               And I love you  

               I love you I love you  

               Like never before  

                'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  

               It's so right  

               I know it's right  

               And the songbirds  

               Keep singin'right there  

               Knowthe score  

              You okay?

              I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm ready.

              - To dance? -  Like never before   

              Yeah, I'm not ready to dance.


              Um, sorry about tonight.

              Oh. Don't be.

              Really, I understand that it, um,

              hasn't been that long for you.

              Yeah. Um--

              My ex-wife put a pretty big hole through me, and, uh,

              it still hurts when the wind blows through.

              And you think that by fighting McKinney you can...

              close this hole?



              [ Kiss ] Night,Joe.

              Night, Meg.


              You really shouldn't flirt with someone until you're ready.



              Jeremy. Hold the elevator.

              - What's going on with Joe Scheffer? - Good morning.

              Boy, that is a great color on you.

              - Director of internal communications? - Oh, well. [ Chuckles ]

              What the hell is that? That position doesn't even exist.

              - Presidential compliance. - What is that?

              Uh, read your manual. Meg, if Joe Scheffer stays home...

              and pours bourbon on his cereal, he can sue us for negligence,

              but if he comes back to work, we make him happy.

              A reasonable period of time passes, we're free and clear.

              He can't sue. That is presidential compliance.

              And what happens after that reasonable period?

              - What happens to his job, to him? - I don't know! Who cares?

              I do.

              I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

              - Mr. Scheffer? - Hmm? Yes?

              - I'm Deidre, your executive assistant. - I have an executive assistant?

              - Yes.And her name is Deidre. - Right.

              - Would you like to see your office? - I've been looking at it.

              [ Chuckles ] This isn't it.

              You have a thing for the A-V guy?

              - No. No, I don't. - Yeah.

              - No. - See, 'cause I always thought, uh,

              you know, you and I, we--

              Do you think that we should be discussing--

              Discussing? This?

              Here. You're right. You're absolutely right.

              Let's stop wasting time. Tonight, let's go to Grumpy's.

              Get some margaritas, maybe some ribs, have some fun. What do you say?

              Jeremy, that's never gonna happen.

              Oh. That's fine.

              -Jeremy, look. - No, I get it, about-- about Joe.

              You don't care about him, but you care about him. It's your job.

              You're the wellness coordinator. You care about his wellness.

              - Actually, there's-- - Stop for a second, Meg.

              - You remember why your little wellness program even exists? - I am here to help--

              To keep corporate objectives. That's the only reason you're here.

              You're here to make people believe we care.

              - I'm a propagandist? - Yeah. You're a propagandist.

              Presidential compliance, Meg. You tell anyone about our conversation,

              and you can start sending out your resume.

              - We were never under review, were we? - Oh, yeah!

              We're under review, Meg. We're all under review all the time.

              And that includes, uh, your boyfriend, Scheffer.

              -What the hell is that supposed to mean? -You'll see.

              Wow! [ Laughs ]

              Oh, it's too much.

              You've come a long way, haven't you,Joe?

              Just look at this. This is great.

              Just when you get to think that no one appreciates your work,

              - that nobody-- - Great, so here's the deal.

              McKinney's due back next week, so your big day is almost here.

              - A small problem, though. - What's the small problem?

              The company is posting security guards in the parking lot for the foreseeable future...

              so that fight is not gonna happen here,Joe.

              - But it has to. - I know. This is your    minutes of fame.

              What do you mean,    minutes?

              It's a cliche. Maybe you'll get   . I don't know.

              - [ Knife Clicks ] - Oh.

                What if--

                What if-- What if--

                - What if somebody-- - [ Chair Bumping ]

                What if-- Ah, here.

                Thank you.

                What if somebody could change the venue?

                What if the fight actually happened in a schoolyard?

                - How cool would that be? - Could you do that?

                No, I couldn't, uh, officially...

                do anything.

                Well, why would you, not officially, do this?

                Because I know how you feel,Joe.

                I was nobody too.

                Guys like McKinney used me to limber up for real fights.

                If I had a shot at a guy like that now, I would--

                [ Exhales ]

                I envy you,Joe.

                I really do.

                - Frank. Go long, buddy, go long. - Thanks,Joe.

                You're Randy Moss today, buddy!

                Wow. Is it hot in here, or is it that outfit, Linda?

                - How about some fresh grapefruit? - Thank you,Joe.

                Meg, you never saw my new office.

                Oh, yeah, you know, I've been really busy.

                - You want some fruit? - Uh--

                Joe, squash tomorrow?

                Yeah, but let's find some players that can actually play.

                - I hear that. - I've gotta get going.

                Home? Oh, no.

                - Not until you see this. - This is yours?

                Well, mine and the bank's.

                - [ Remote Lock Chirps ] - Come on. Get in.


                This is me. That Lumina? I don't know who that was.

                This is me.

                [ Trunk Lock Chirps ]

                I'm glad to see you so happy, Joe. Really.

                Are you mad at me?

                This is my problem. I'm gonna work it out.

                Wait a minute. Meg, come on.

                When I had a problem, you helped me work it out.

                - Did I? - Yeah.

                Now that there's a problem with you, I wanna be here for you.

                - I wanted to be a guidance counselor. - Okay.

                I wanted to help girls like me.

                Girls who were too busy cleaning the house or paying bills...

                to do homework or join the pep squad.

                But I thought I should make a little money first, right?

                You know, put something aside.

                Before I knew it, I was waking up in a better apartment.

                I was going on vacation to places like Saint Barts,

                - and I had a    K! - Meg.

                - We all like nice stuff. - [ Sighs ]

                Did I tell you that Caddy has    speakers in it?

                - And you can adjust the-- - I gotta go.

                Seriously, Meg. If you need to talk again,

                you know where I live.


                For what? I don't think I helped you very much.

                You know, I don't think I helped you that much either.

                Stretch, stretch. Pull, pull.

                -   [ Rock ] - Good, good, good. All the way.

                Stretch, stretch. Good, good.

                [ Cord Snaps ]

                -  Dig it, Dig it   - Good.

                - [ Cord Snaps ] -  Dig it till the sun  

                -  Goes down   - Punch, punch, punch.

                -  Dig it, Dig it   - [ Cord Snaps ]

                -  Dig it till the sun goes down   - Sorry.

                 No,yo, no,yo No,yo, no,yo  

                -  Hit the beach and drop the bomb   - Higher.

                - Hah! -  Never let the panic down  

                -   Trip it, shakin'money, hype   - [Wincing ]

                -   Tribal, grab it every night   - One, two.

                 In the trench or on the ditch  

                 Dig it till the sun goes down  

                -  Dig it, dig it   - [ Joe Grunting ]

                 Dig it till the sun goes down  


                 Dig it Dig it  

                 Dig it till the sun goes down   

                Good, good, good.

                I'm comin' low, comin' low. Ready?

                Oh, man. You pushed me.

                [ Laughs ] I'm comin' now.

                Always go for the nuts.

                You protect it. Keep it up.

                Get your hand up there.


                [Zipper Opening ]

                [ Jingling ]

                Looking for something?

                - Gum. Got any? - Open the coat.

                - No. - Open it.

                [ Sighs ]

                So,you're in your room, watching TV, and it suddenly occurs to you.

                What I really want to do...

                is put on a teddy and an overcoat and chew some gum.

                It didn't really come to me like that.

                First I put on the teddy, and I got cold, so I, uh--

                - Natalie, just give me the key. - Not a chance.

                You wanna back up and run over him again,

                at least you'll have to knock first.

                I am not going to run over your father.

                I miss him.

                Where's actor boy?

                Actor boy's gone.

                He left this afternoon.

                His loss.

                I-- I feel so alone.

                How can you feel alone? I'm here.

                [ Sighs ]

                Hey. I'm supposed to be the mother.

                - Oh, you're a mother, all right. - [ Laughs ]


                Hey, people are going nuts about this fight.

                They say you got a trainer. Some kung fu guy?

                Jeremy, I'm really not in the mood for this, okay?

                - Give me something here. - What are we talking about?

                The fight. I can make a ton of money.

                There's three to one odds against you showing up.


                You're gonna show up on Monday, right,Joe?

                - Where's Meg? - Oh, oh! She quit.

                She quit?

                Yeah, she was coming unglued. Everything was a drama.

                A whole ''psycho-femmo'' nervous breakdown. She was smoking.

                People were complaining. I'll tell you, I was gettin'uncomfortable.

                There was all this... sexual tension between us.

                - There was what? - Oh,yeah,yeah.

                - We had a-- a thing. - You and Meg?

                Yeah, yeah. Corporate retreat, Cancun. She's very hot.

                Skinny, but hot.

                You want the details? We're poolside, she wants me to--

                Nah. I don't want the details.



                I'm looking for Meg Harper, apartment    .

                Oh. She's up on the roof.

                Are you sure?

                Son, I'm an   -year-old man, and she's a    -year-old woman.

                Trust me. I know where she is.

                I heard you had a nervous breakdown and quit.

                Nervous breakdown?

                Do we need to review who the psycho is here?

                Oh. I need more bleach. I need more bleach.

                - Gotta have more bleach. - That's what Jeremy said.

                He also said that... you slept with him.

                Oh! Does that bother you?


                Never happened. If Jeremy chained me to a bed,

                I'd set myself on fire.

                - [ Scoffs ] - Why'd you quit?

                Um, well, I am the new assistant guidance counselor...

                at Pembroke High School.

                I know. It's kind of a huge cut in pay.

                I think I may have to give them money, actually, but--

                This is wonderful. You're great with kids.

                And you'll have an opportunity to show them that victory dance.

                Yeah, okay. Thanks,Joe.

                Joe-- [ Exhales ] You can't fight.

                It's not right. If you lay a finger on McKinney...

                in that parking lot, they can fire you.

                Jeremy moved the fight. We're not fighting in the parking lot.

                He wants to see you get your ass kicked.

                - Nobody's gonna get their ass kicked. - Let it go.

                And no one is gonna get fired. Everybody loves me over there.

                Uh-huh. Then where were they before?

                If I back out, I will never know who I am.

                You are the guy that admitted to me that your ex-wife put a hole in you...

                so big that it still burns when the wind blows through.

                The guy who kept helping me even after he had stapled his sleeve...

                The guy who kept helping me even after he had stapled his sleeve...

                to a ''Choose Happiness'' banner.

                You mean the guy that got his ass kicked in the parking lot?

                No, no. I mean the guy that kept getting up every morning,

                being a father to his daughter-- that's the guy that you are.

                I was nobody. You have no idea what I'd be giving up if I don't fight.

                I know what you would be giving up if you do.

                I'm sorry, Meg. I have to fight.

                Yeah? Because you're afraid not to.

                Okay, okay, okay! You... are winded!

                -You take five! You're killing yourself. -Water?

                Is there a beer in there?

                How come you got out of doing movies?

                I guess I kind of turned into an unbearable shit.

                Aren't there a lot of people like that in this business?

                Yeah. But it helps if you've got something that nobody can live without.

                You know something funny? When my first picture became a hit,

                there were a whole lot of people just lined up waiting to kiss my ass.

                Then when the movies started to tank, well--

                you know, they lined up behind somebody else's ass.


                You gotta have people in your life who are there for you.

                Whether you're somebody or not.

                Did you find somebody like that?


                [ Radio Announcer ] It's  ;  . This is Dave Ryan. Good morning, Twin Cities.

                Look outside. You're gonna love the day today.

                Eighty-fiive degrees, mostly sunny. Maybe a little of hazy sunshine.

                Other than that, it's one of those perfect days--

                - [ Head Clunks ] - Aaah!

                Dad! Hey, Dad, wait up!

                Dad! Dad!

                Dad, wait up!

                All right, even odds now, people.

                Bet early, bet often.

                Where the hell is he? Hey, hey, hey.

                Has anybody got the time?


                Ten after.

                There he is.

                Hey,Joe! Come on, man.

                [ All Cheering ]

                Take him down!

                [ Man ] All right,Joe!

                [ Woman ] We're with you,Joe!

                [ Man #  ] Take him,Joe!

                [ Crowd Chanting ] Joe,Joe,Joe!

                [ Sighs ]

                Let's go. You want some?

                It's go time, baby. No more bets.

                Rope a dope his ass, now. What do you say?

                - I can do this. - Hit him with your left.

                Hit him with your right. Be like Ali even though you're white!

                [ Crowd Clamoring ]

                I can do this.

                Then do it.

                Are we gonna fight or not?

                - We're not. - Say, what?

                Get over here!


                Sorry, man.

                It's okay.

                [ Crowd Complaining ]

                I'll be damned.

                Scheffer! Scheffer, get back here!

                You're fightin' him, or you're fightin' me.

                Okay. Okay. No, no. Let's go. Let's get it on.

                You and me.

                Been workin' out every day for the last eight years, amigo.

                Jazzercize, spinning,

                - pilates, advanced pilates. - Pilates?

                Good goin',Jeremy.

                Have fun with that little tramp. Everyone else has.


                - [ Moaning ] - That's gotta hurt, huh?

                Here, get up. I didn't mean to-- Take a breath.

                Here, you better help him. It really hurts.

                Better lay him down or something.



                Very impressed.

                Thank you.

                - McKinney got lucky. - How's that?

                I was just about to do this!

                - Good. That was good. - [ Chuckles ]

                Good job.

                Do you think I could've taken McKinney?

                I think you just did.

                What the hell?

                - You're in my spot. - What are you gonna do? Beat me up?

                Meg, Meg, Meg! Wait, wait, wait.

                Come on, come on. Gimme a chance!

                - Let go. - I can't let go. I'm crazy about you.

                You're crazy about me?

                - You're crazy about me? - Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.

                - You're crazy about me? - Meg, I didn't fight McKinney.

                I didn't fight him. Okay?

                I went to the school, and I realized...

                I'm not afraid anymore.

                I'm not afraid not to fight.

                A parking space isn't worth fighting for.

                You're worth fighting for.

                You have a gift for helping,

                because you saw something in me when I lost sight of myself.

                You're what I want.

                I don't think there's anything about you that I don't like.

                My ears aren't perfectly even.

                I like that.

                - There's something else. - What's that?

                You really did cure me.


                No hole.

                You put up one hell of a fight,Joe.

                I think I'm ready for that dance.

                Me too.

                [ Basketball Bouncing ]

                - [ Groans ] - [ Audience Moans ]

                Man, I blew it.

                [ Sighs ] I'll say. Want a brick?

                - There's nothing I can do about it now. -Sure there is.

                - Start keeping your damn elbow in. - What?

                - Now? - Come on.

                Take a shot.



                [ Net Whooshes ]

                [ All Cheering ]



                [ Several People ] Author! Author!

                Go on up there.

                Go on. Go on.

                Take a bow!

                Take a bow.

                 I'm not waiting for a friend beside me  

                 Or for the Lord above to guide me  

                 My happiness is  

                  Wherever I fiind it  

                 And I wanna fiind it with you  

                 Have you ever felt so out of place  

                  That the smile on your face was to keep from cryin' 

                 I don't know how we get so out of touch  

                 But I don't want much Just to fiind out  

                  What happiness is  

                  While everybody else is winning 

                  You're stuck waiting for your new beginning 

                -   When happiness is   -  Happiness is  

                  Wherever you fiind it  

                  You may be full of life's frustrations  

                 But I'm up for negotiations  

                -  My happiness is   -  Happiness is  

                -   Wherever I fiind it   -   Wherever I fiind it  

                 And I wanna fiind it with you  

                 Have you ever felt so out of place  

                  That the smile on your face was to keep from cryin' 

                 I don't know how we get so out of touch  

                 But I don't want much Just to fiind out  

                  What happiness is  

                  What happiness is  

                  What happiness is  

                 If you got your lucky break and broke it  

                 I guess you've got your options open  

                 But happiness is  

                  Wherever you fiind it  

                  Yeah, and I want to fiind it with you  

                 Have you ever felt so out of place  

                  That the smile on your face was to keep from cryin' 

                 I don't know how we get so out of touch  

                 But I don't want much Just to keep on tryin' 

                 People say a prayer every day  

                  That they end up with more than their next-door neighbor  

                 I'm not buyin' all their ego trips  

                 But I'll get my kicks when I fiind out  

                -   What happiness is   -   What happiness is  

                -   What happiness is   -   What happiness is  

                  What happiness is   




Special help by SergeiK