Johnny Stecchino Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Johnny Stecchino script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Roberto Benigni movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Johnny Stecchino. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Johnny Stecchino Script



Please, I'll do anything

but don't you leave me.



Ask me for anything

and I will do it



I adore you,

I love you, but don't leave me.



I'll do anything you want.



I'll be your servant, I'll be your slave

but don't leave me.



I can't live without you.

You taught me everything,



You taught me what love is,

what sex is.



Why don't u say something ? Don't leave.

Do you want to make love with me ?



Now ? Immediately ?



Answer to me.



- And what did he say ?

- What ?



When you told him those things,

what did he say ?



He said: "It's over. I'm leaving."

And he slammed the door.



- Really ? You aren't Rocco's girlfriend anymore ?

- I don't even want to hear his name.



I should become a slut

He deserves that.



Good! It'd serve him right.



- I should go to bed with everyone

- Everyone ?

- Yes, everyone. Women are stupid..



You go to bed with anyone ?



I thought that this party

would do me well, but it didn't.



- I'm sorry because I involved you.

- Gianna, you don't feel well.

Maybe we can go to your place.



Let's go to your place, you and I.

I am coming with you.



No, thanks.

I'd rather go by myself.



Come on, let's do it again!



..Here are the Minister, the Clerk, the Bishop

the President and their wives!



Come on, let's play!

Who's missing ?



Quiet, quiet ! still, still !



- Who are you ?

- I'm the President's wife.



"She won't show us anything."

Quiet ! Still !



And who are you ?



- Who am I ? I am the Minister's wife !

- Show us your Ministry !!



Ministry ! Ministry !



The Minister's wife!

Ministry ! Ministry !



- Come on, don't go away !

- Show us your Ministry !



Hey everyone left. Who's taking me home ?



Come here, Claudia !



- Is Ginetta there ? - No.

- And where is she ? - I don't know. See you at home !



- No, we are going at Attilio's. Ciao !

-Ciao !



Come here doggie !



What's your name ?

Come here, what's your name ?



Cute doggie.. It was a nice party,

wasn't it ? It was like wham, bam !!



No cutie, I have no food.



Hey ! Hey !



Saint Cleopatra !



- Are you hurt ?

- What ? No, no, thanks.



- Are you sure, are you alright ?

- Yes, yes, all right.



- Good.. I'm really sorry, it's all my fault,

I have almost killed you.



What's wrong with the car now ?

Why can't I start it ?



This place is really nice,

but it's not easy to get out of it.



..Turn right, turn left.. Take the second over the bridge.

It's a labirinth..



- Speaking of which, do you know where the highway is ?

- Yes..



It's close, only     yards.



- Can I help you ?

- Yes please. Try and start the engine.



- I am really taking advantage of you tonight.

- No no..



Really good, finally! Thanks !



Yuck! What a mess !

Saint Cleopatra, I'm all covered with grease !



- Good night.

- Good night.



You're a dream !



I am dreaming,

And you're my dream.



- What's your name ?

- Dante.



- Where do you live ?

- Here, in the condominium.



You are wonderful !



You.. are..



Hey, miss ! Miss !



She passed out. Come on, Miss !



I was about to faint, but she fainted.

Miss ! Miss !



She passed out !

Wait here, I'll call an ambulance.



Wait here miss, I'll call an ambulance.



I'll call an ambulance..



Miss !



Wait, miss !



Long live the teacher !



 ..I got lost in the zoo.

I must choose my mam and dad right here..



He's a beast...

- Growl !



..It's the lion!

- Growl !



He's heavy...

- Arrr !


           's the elephant!

She is silly...



Cluck !'s the hen ! - Cluck !



when she plays... - Quack quack !

..with the goose ! - Quack quack !



- At the zoo !

- Eeh !



With the cat...

- Meow !


            the dog.

- Woof !



- Woof !

- Woof !



- Woof !

- F**k off !



Go inside !



Get in ! Come on !






- Come on !

- Ciao.



- Hey Gianna, how are you ?

- You know I am bad..

- I know, be strong.. Ciao.



- Where is Lillo ?

- He's there..



- Come on, he's having breakfast with me.

- Ok then. Ciao.



- Dante are we having breakfast ?

- Yes Lillo, then..



I have to tell you something

which happened to me last night.



Lillo, let go !

I'll go off the road !



I'll go off the road !

Lillo, let me go !



"Show us your Ministry.."

She showed her thighs !



And what a butt ! And some touched it !

And how many women !

Actually I didn't get that game..



By the way, we went out

and I was left alone with a dog..



And a car stopped by, Lillo.

..and a woman got off.



She was the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen.



And you know what ?

She stopped, and looked at me, Lillo !

She looked at me, hey !



She looked at me and came close,

then she said: ''You are wonderful !''

..she said that to me !



And then she fell to the ground.



- Did you have sex ?

- No.



No, she passed out, she passed out, but..



..but she was the most beautiful woman..



And Lillo, she looked at me as if I were

the best looking man in the world.



A smart woman,

with good taste, very refined .



Then she suddenly came closer

as if she wanted to kiss me,

she almost touched me,



and said:

''You're my dream !"



She said that to me !

I am still upset.



Lillo ! Not the sweets !



You've got diabetes,

you can't eat sweets !



There's sugar in them,

you could die !



- Only two !

- No, you can't have any, and by the way they cost too much.



You can have fruit,

fruit is allowed if you have diabetes.



..but it's expensive as well.



We should find a way

not to pay for it. Wait here.



Let me see if there is..

Yes ! Wait, Lillo.



Good morning.. Excuse me,

how much for those apples there ?

And for those pears there ?



Too much, sorry.

They cost too much.



Maybe I'll be back later, thanks and bye bye.

Lillo, they cost too much, let's go.



Good-bye and thanks..



One for you and one for me.

No, one and a half for me

and half for you.



You've got diabetes,

you can't eat too many bananas.



- Sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.



Good morning.

What are you doing here ?



Are you looking for someone,

or you live close by ?



No, I'm staying at the Hotel Excelsior.



I am here because I was looking for..



..I am looking for a bar.



A bar ?

There are no bars here.



..but if you need to make a phone call,

or if you want a coffee, I could help you.



No, thanks, I need..



- What ?

- I need the ladies' room.



- The ladies' room ?

- Saint Cleopatra !



Now I am blushing..

I took the beltway,



- Then I got lost, I looked around but..

- l never do that..



- You never pee ?

- No, I never take the beltway.



By the way, if you really

need the bathroom,



- ..You can come to my place.

- Yes, thanks !



- Here on the left, we are almost there,

resist please.






- Here we are. The bathroom is..

- Aw, Saint Cleopatra !



- That's my favourite !

- The cake ?



- Would you like some of it ?

- Yes, please.



Mmm.. Really good !



It's really good.

Did your wife make it ?



No, I'm not married.



- Did you mother make it ?

- No, I wasn't born.. I mean.. I made it.



- Congratulations !

- Thanks.



It's so good..



- So, you live all alone..

- Yes !



Yes, in a certain sense I chose to,

I chose to, because..



If I want to keep quiet,

I keep quiet,



If I want to chat,

I speak to myself.



If I want to walk

I go over there,



Then I come back..



I chose to be free.



- That picture is beautiful, really nice !

- Yes !



l'm the one on the left.

The other one is a friend of mine, Lillo.



He is mad about sweets.



- Here you are.

- Thank you.



- Would you like some more cake ?

- No, sorry, I have to go.



I hope to see you again.



Miss ! Wait, Miss !



She forgot to pee..



Dottor Randazzo !

Good morning.



Good morning.



- How are you ?

- Fine, thanks.



- May I ?

- Please.






Here you are, you must sign..



- Sign right there.

- Yes.



Darn it !



- Give me your insurance.

- My insurance.. I always forget where I put it.



Here are the condominium expenses.



- Do you still receive your monthly check ?

- Yes.



- In a month you have another check up.

- Another one ? I had one    days ago.



Be patient please.

You are a particular case.



- Driving a lorry..

- No, I was parking my van !



I put on the hand brake with this hand,

when I still could use it, and I parked.



I was there all by myself,

I was almost sleeping when: BAM !



Someone bumped into me from behind.

I hit the windscreen with my head and passed out.



When I awoke my hand was moving like this.

People tried to stop it.



I've even tied it up,

but it doesn't stop moving.



No one can figure out brain damage,

Dottor Randazzo.



I was lucky too, some people

get blind, deaf or paralised.



You should pay me more !

I am a ruined man.



I can no longer do anything,

I can't eat, read or write.



- I can only make "zabaione".

- What ?



I break the eggs and beat them like this.

I am good at that.



I make cakes all the time.

You should pay me twice as much or more,



- Because the insurance..

- All right, all right..



I just wanted to tell you that

I met many cheats,



you aren't one of them, of course,



but when I meet one,

I am really pleased to ruin them.



That's cheating,



cheating on the State

is serious crime.



- It is a violation of the criminal Code.

- Is it ?



Yes, it is.



I could force out

a few cunning fellows.



Dottor Randazzo,

I haven't offered you anything..



Would you like something ?

A "zabaione" ?



- No, thanks.

- Not at all.






Here you are ! You wanted to get in

through the window ?



Let's get in through the door, instead.



"l am American. Let me go please !"



- "Let me go I am American !"

- American ? I am honoured !



"Yes, very dangerous for you, dismissal !"



Come with me, the director wants to meet you.

He speaks American too.



- Here !



I caught an American.



- Do you know him ?

- Of course.



- Ahem.. "wot"?



- Can you understand me if I speak Italian ?

- Yes and no..



"sumthing" here and there,

but not "all all".



What happened to your pants ?



A button has come off.



We have to find a remedy,

you can't go out like this.



What a nice surprise, Johnny !

I didn't expect to see you in here.



Okay. It works.



It was so nice of you

to remember me.



- Do you smoke ?

- No, but I'll take one, thanks.



- You speak English well.

- You too, Johnny.



- Johnny ! I like Johnny..

- Do you ?



I'll always call you Johnny.

You'll be my Johnny.



And I'll call you.. Speaking of which,

what's your name ?



- Maria.

- Maria, I like it. I'll always call you Maria.



Maria, but, where are we going?

Where are you taking me ?



We're going to take off your pants.



Wait !



Perfect !



Saint Cleopatra !



- I still haven't been brought the ice-cream..

- Have you ordered it ?



Yes, half an our ago, to the other waiter.



I like it here.

Everyone is so polite...



Maria, here everyone speaks,

but no one can hear them.



It reminds me of a game

I used to play as a child.



You plug your own ears and must guess

what the other person said.



- Do you know it?

- No.



I'll show you. I'll plug your ears

and you must guess what I said.



Can you hear me ?



- "Paris is the capital of France".



- What have I said ?

- "All at once" ?



Do it to me. Say anything,

the first thing which comes up to your mind..



"I've never been so happy, Johnny".



That's easy: "I've never been so happy, Johnny".

It's my turn.



"Waiting prohibited". What did I say ?



- I don't know.

- It was easy: "Waiting prohibited".



Your turn.

Say something difficult,



a longer sentence too..



"I could fall in love with you, Johnny".



You said: "I could fall in..


            with me, Johnny."






I forgot something in the car,

I'll be right back.



She's falling in love with me !



Waiter ?



- The bill, Sir ?

- No, I need a pen, please.



- Here you are.

- Thanks.



You're gorgeous.



Yours. Dante.

..No, Johnny.



- Aren't you drinking too much ?

- Don't worry, I'm a teetotaller.



Oh, no !



- Oh, sorry, I was impolite.

- No, take it again.



- No, not that one, this one.

- Okay.



You have such an imagination !



You're incredible !



This is exactly how

I want to remember you forever.



Dressed like that, with that spot

and that toothpick.









Let's go.



No, please !

I'm ticklish !



Come on !



I must confess that

I'm a teetotaller as well.



Maria, Maria, I want to make love with you.

Why don't you stay ?



Johnny !

We've just met !



I know, sorry.

I won't ask you anymore.



But men have no patience,

you know, and sometimes I make mistakes..



- Come on, pants off !

- No, not the pants ! I'm ashamed..



I'll take them off.

Stop it !



I'll take them off.. Slowly !



Maria ! I'd like to know

everything about you..



- About your family..

- I have no family.



- I live with an old uncle of mine.

- An old uncle of yours ?



What a wonderful day

I spent with you !



I want to see you every day

I'll organise everything.



I'll take you around town all day.

Today was so good..



We'll play a game.



"I'm the Minister's wife !"

"Show us your Ministry !"



It's a funny game Maria,

I'll show you that.



Tomorrow I'll call in sick.

I'll take the whole day off..


            we can stay together,




A man shouldn't say that, Maria,

but I'll tell you all the same..



We don't know each other too well,



..but I love you very very very much.



She is silly, it's the hen..

..when she plays ..with the goose !



- Bye.. but when did she leave ?

- She left this morning.



- She went out and is coming back ?

- No, she left forever, Mr. Johnny.



- Mr. Johnny, you lost this.

- Oh yes sorry. - Good.



- But did she leave a message for me ?

- No. She left, she packed, she paid..



..and left.

And now you leave !



And never come back !



Johnny ? No, this is Lillo.



Maria ? Did you have sex ? You want Johnny?

Dante, that's Maria !



If someone asks you where I am,

tell them you don't know.



Another thing: here's the key.



You can go to sleep at my place,

but remember to clean it up.



- Be careful, pay for the condominium.

- Look !



Hey, pay attention !



You have to concentrate, otherwise

someone could rob you and you

wouldn't notice.



Don't eat too many sweets,

they can do you harm.

Will you remember that ?



Don't open the door to anyone.




Bye, Lillo.



Let me go, I'll miss the train !






- Take care, ok ? Ciao.

- Ciao.



Come back soon,

write me a postcard !



Bring me a present !



I'll bring you a nice one.

Clean up, ok? Ciao !






- The bag !

- Ciao Dante ! - Lillo, the bag !



Hello ?

Johnny !



He arrived..

Johnny ! Where are you ?



Ok, my uncle will come and

bring you here.



You'll like him, he is

a really nice man.



In ten or fifteen minutes..



Oh, I'm looking forward to

seeing you too, Johnny.



Bye, I'll be waiting.



- He arrived.

- I'm going. - Hurry up !



- To the station..

-  But.. where is he, exactly ?



- Track number  .

-   ? - Yes.



Please, be kind to him.



Saint Cleopatra !



"Palermo, Station of Palermo".



Shit !



- Johnny?

- Uncle !



- I came to take you home.

- Thanks. You're a nice man.



- You're welcome. Let's go.

- Thanks.



This one used to be a nice town,

but now it's beautiful.



..The sun, the sea, the prickly pears,

Empedocles, Archimedes.



Unfortunately, however,

we are also notorious for a few bad things,



for a few problems..



A terrible problem, you know

what I mean, is given by the volcano "Etna".



Sometimes it loses its temper,

and it destroys towns and villages.



But it's a natural beauty..



There's another thing, however,

which is a really big problem..



..and no one can solve it.



You understood, didn't you ?



I'm talking about drought.



ln summer

the land is really dry here,



..really dry.

It's a bad thing.



Yes, it's bad, I've heard that.



But it's a natural thing,

and there's nothing we can do about it.



But there's a problem we could solve

and yet we don't..



..because it doesn't depend on nature

but on men..



It's the third and worst

of our problems.



A problem which gives Sicily

and Palermo in particular

a bad reputation,


            front of the world.



You understood, didn't you,

it's useless for me to tell you.



I'm embarassed to bring this up.



It's traffic.

There are too many cars.



Traffic is so intense,

that we can hardly survive..



..and makes enemies of us all,

family against family.

Too many cars



Sorry if you had to face this traffic

because of me. I'm just saying hi to Maria..



..and I'll go to the hotel.

- No, it was a pleasure.



Maria made a room for you.

You can stay there as long as you want.



No, you must stay, instead.

Maria is waiting for you.



- Maria is waiting for me ?

- Yes.



- Uncle, have you got a black pen ?

- A pen ? - A black pen.



- I have got a pen, but it's blue.

- It'll do, thanks.



Maria speaks of you all the time.

"Johnny here, Johnny there"..



I've never seen Maria like this.

She is different.



Actually, I can tell

that Maria is a bit in love with you.



I confess

that I am also..



My God !



Shit !



Make yourself comfortable.

I'm going to call Maria.



Maria, Maria

Johnny arrived !



Maria, what are you doing in the garden ?

Is he already here ?



I didn't hear you come.

She's waiting for you.



- Where is he ?

- In the living-room.



-Johnny !

-Maria !



You're here, finally !



I missed you so much !

Let me look at you.



- It's beautiful here !

- Come in. - Yes.



- Everything is beautiful here !

- Don't tell me you have to leave soon

because I won't let you go.



- I'll stay if you want.

- I hope you like it here.



If I like it here ?

Maria, but I..



- I'll show you your room.

- My room ! Where is it ? - Over there.



He doesn't look like me at all !



- What have you said ?

- I said he doesn't look like me.



- Don't force me to repeat things.

- But he looks exactly like you !



Your own mother

could be mistaken by him !



My mother !



- Johnny !

- Never call my mother's name !



But he is your double !

When I saw him I said: "Shit !"



..I got scared.



His name is Johnny,

he's got the spot and the toothpick.



Your wife brain-washed him !

She told him I'm her uncle.



Maria is a genius.

Here we are, Johnny !



You'll no longer be a prisoner.

It's just a matter of hours.



As soon as we take him out

he'll be killed.



Maria will pretend to cry

and it's over.






I'll listen to you one last time,

but if this thing doesn't work..



Can you see this toothpick ?



I stick it into you balls

and I'll barbecue with them !



Yuck !



By the way, let's hurry up. I don't want

to stay in this place for too long.



What a mess !

Look where I am !



If my mother could see me !



My mother..



- Johnny ! - What ?

- You called your mother's name.



It's going to be over soon !

We have to drink !



No, a sniff is better.



Shit ! The coke !



I left it in the bedroom !

See you later. Do you need anything ?



- Tell my wife to bring me

something to eat. - I will.



- Do you like it ?

- Yes. -This is the bathroom.



This is the door

to my uncle's study.



Maria, I must confess

I am very emotioned.



Shit !



- Are we sleeping here together tonight ?

- No. I'll sleep in my room, on the other side.



- Show it to me.

- Later. Now I'll make you dinner.



Have some rest,

you took such a long journey..






- Uncle !

- What !



See ?

We're neighbours.



- What are you doing ?

- Do you know what this is ?



No, of course you don't.

How could you know that ?



- It's some kind of medicine.

- Medicine ? - Yes.



- Are you sick ?

- Yes, unfortunately. I'm condemned.



- I have to take it three or four times a day,

I can't miss it. - Wow !



- What is your disease ?

- It's..



I've got..



- Diabetes.

- Darn ! - Yes, and I am not getting better.



- I feel a pain here.

- I know it's terrible.



- Sorry, but I have to follow a precise

schedule, I can't miss it. - Please..



- Uncle ! How are you ?

- Better, I feel more..



I have never seen anyone take

medicine with their nose before.



This one is new.

It comes from abroad.



- Uncle, that's my bedroom.

- Yes.



If you feel sick,

even if it's late, any time..


            know where I am.

Just knock on the door to wake me up.

- Thanks, Johnny !



- I'll sleep better now that you said that.

- Don't feel embarassed if you need me.



- If something's wrong just knock

on the door and I.. - Thanks.




Any time.



From Palermo to Catania,

from Palermo to Trapani !



It was a mess.

They made me travel all around Sicily !



Who's that ?



- Oh my.. Who's that ?

- It's a dog.



- It came from there.

- A dog ! Where ?



- It came from there, maybe it's hungry.

- That's true, the dog is hungry.



- Which dog ?

- The dog in the cellar, poor Bobby..



- I'll bring him something to eat.

Here's the mayonnaise, the red wine,



- The "pinzimonio", the bread.

- The cake, the bottle.



- Pasta is missing.

- He ate it for lunch.



Excuse me Johnny,

I'll be right back.



How could I forget him !



The red wine ?

The mayonnaise ?



He likes mayonnaise a lot.

He is a palermitan mastiff.



Candies, nougats,

liquorice, Cointreau.


            a word he is omnivorous.

It's a sick dog, poor thing.



- Uncle !

- What ? - What are you doing ?



- You eat sweets when you

are ill ? - Ill ?



- The diabetes !

- Thanks, Johnny.



I wasn't thinking about it.



Is the cake good ?



l can't resist, Johnny.



Now I'll take much medicine..



.. so I can eat

as much cake as I want.



Good uncle,

take the medicine..



- That's terrible !

- Come on. Take all of it.



- All ?

- Yes.



You have already forgotten me.



No, Johnny. I won't even be able

to sleep without you, tonight.



And you, love, will you be able

to sleep without me ?



Maria, sleep without you..



Look where I am !



Me !



Johnny Toothpick !

The best !



When my name was pronounced,

even.. furniture shook with fear !



When I used to come to Palermo

from New York..



..everybody hid like a mouse !



And now the mouse is me.



Locked up in this house for    months !

lnside this bunker !



Forced to bark

like a dog !



But Johnny, you are speaking as if

you didn't see what happened today.



- Have you seen the miracle ?

- I have seen him.



He doesn't look like me at all.



Come and see. It's incredible.

Come and see !



Okay. Show me.



- Look at him.

- I was stunned.



I could no longer

understand anything.






Something here and there..



But he has the face of an idiot.



He's insignificant,



And plain.



Maria, is that how you see me ?



No !

I know you are different.



- But Cozzamara will think it's you.

- Cozzamara !



Cozzamara !



Maria, that's unbearable !

Why hasn't he been caught yet ?



Can you tell me why ?



His name was the first one

I told the judge.



Please catch Cozzamara first.



Then I told him the other names.

Renta, Caporetto, Lozzo.



Vicky Bloom was caught in Washington.

Why is Cozzamara still free ?



I became reformed

because of him !



He betrayed me !



Am I done ?

Well, if I'm done..



..let "Goliath" die

with all the "Pharisees" !



They are just ignorant !






At least I gave myself the satisfaction

of killing his wife.



What did you do ?



Do you remember

when I killed Giacomo Melino ?



I used the F  .



Now, the F  's burst is a bit large.



It's not easy to control..

I shot Melino and I also

caught Cozzamara's wife.



I didn't mean to.

In fact I called him immediately.



I said: "Sorry, Cozzamara.

   minutes ago I killed your wife.."



I apologised,

but he got mad !



He made such a fuss !

He's too touchy !



I can't go on working with such a man.

It wasn't a serious thing,



I killed his wife, not his mother !

My mother..



- Johnny?

- Yes.



I apologised, I'm polite.



My mother taught me to be polite

My mother.. Yes, I know.






Come here..



Come here..



Come here..



Come, Maria.



Oh, Maria !



You have to know

I just care for one person.



That person, Maria,

is you and my mother.



My mother..






I did everything for you, Maria.



I brought you up

and I can't allow..



..someone whose name is Cozzamara..

- My love, enough with this Cozzamara !



- In a few days I'll take

your double to Cozzamara. - Yes.



He'll kill him, I'll cry at the funeral

and Johnny Toothpick will be dead.



Everyone will think you're dead.

No one will ever look for you anymore.



I like it.

Everyone will consider me dead.



After that, we can enjoy

what we have.



Saint Cleopatra..



The sun.



The sea.

The night.



Maria ! Don't kiss me !



You know I don't like kisses.



Females and "Homo sexual" people

give kisses.



- I'm a man, Maria !

- Sorry, I just wanted to kiss you.



Look !

You also wore lipstick !



It's disgusting !



I can't stand this anymore !



When are you having

that idiot killed ?



Even tomorrow.

As soon as he gets out, he's dead.









Don't say I'm crazy..

I saw Johnny Toothpick !



- You're crazy ! Where ?

- There.



It's impossible, he's protected by the police,

the carabinieri, the army, no one can find him..



- and instead, he goes around town with no problems.

- Let's call Cozzamara ! - No.



You know what.. We'll make him a present.

We'll deliver him already in a sack.



- But are you sure it was him ?

- I am ! - You're crazy !



- So you don't believe me ? - No.

- Ok I'll show you.



Wow ! That's really him !



Be careful,

he's a rattle snake.



Hello. My name is Dante.



- I'm Nicola Travaglia.

- I don't want to buy anything.



I just want to ask for a few prices.



- How much for those onions ?

- Johnny !



Help !



Help me !



Help !



- There ! Help, someone is following me !

- What's up ?



- Nothing, no one is here.

- Take it easy.



- Sit down.

- Okay. - What happened ?



- Finally ! - What are you doing

with that banana ? - Exactly !



It was all because of this banana !



I'm not from Palermo.

I arrived yesterday.



This morning I got out early.

I wanted a banana for breakfast.



I went to the greengrocer,

Nicola Travaglia.



- I know him.

- I wanted to buy this banana.



I took the money..



Colonel, I didn't mean to buy it.



I'll tell you the truth, I wanted to steal it.



I didn't know that in Palermo

people get so mad..



..for a stolen banana.



The banana was like this.

The greengrocer saw it..



..and yelled.



He called the police who

protect the greengrocers..



..and they started shooting.

I got scared and ran away.



They followed me. There were   

      of them ! It's a miracle if I'm alive.



- What's your name ?

- My real name is Dante.



Mister Dante,

We've got much work to do.



- You aren't from Palermo. - No.

- There are serious problems here.



- I know, the traffic is terrible.

- You did something really bad.



Stealing a banana is a crime.



- I violated the Criminal Code ?

- Yes.



- But you found me.

- I was lucky !



Are you glad for what you did ?



No, Colonel.

I'm really sorry for that.



- I promise I'll never do it again.

- Good.



- I see you regret what you did.

- Yes.



Leave the body of evidence here.

We'll give back to its owner..



..the greengrocer Nicola Travaglia,

the above mentioned banana.



- But it's important for you

to repent. - I do.



- But, are you sure that all's well

 now ? Can I leave ?

- Yes, all's well.



- You can leave.

- Thanks alot.



Then I'm leaving..



I didn't know that stealing a banana

in Palermo was so dangerous.



- I'll always pay for them from now on.

- Okay.



Johnny !






- Good morning.

- Are you going around

as if nothing happened ?



- How do you know what happened ?

- I followed you from the beginning.



Don't you recognise me ?

I'm Cataratta. She's my wife.



I'm the judge of the Supreme Court

Bernardino Cataratta.



- I followed the whole story.

- Really ? - Sure.



You're on a blind alley

And there's no way out.



Why did you do that ?



I wanted..



But all's well now.

I went to the carabinieri.



And you repented.



- Who told you that ?

- Everybody knows.



You made a big mistake.

You shouldn't have repented.



- I wasn't supposed to repent ?

- No.



- Did you mention someone else's names ?

- Someone else's names ? - Yes.



- Yes, one.

- Which one ?



Nicola Travaglia.



The greengrocer ?



Yes, him.



- I thought Nicola Travaglia was a good man.

- So did I.



What are you trying to do, Johnny?



Now the whole family

will be against you.



- The greengrocer's family ? - Yes.

- Against me ? - Sure.



I didn't know it would be so dangerous.



Judge Bernardino, Now all's well

because I gave everything back.



- To whom ? - The carabinieri.

They said they'll give it to him.



They won't.

They'll divide it into parts for themselves.



Everyone wants a bite there.



- They're going to eat everything up ?

- Maybe they already did. - Liars !



Johnny, can I give you a piece of advice ?



Go back to the carabinieri.



First of all force them to give you back

what you gave them.



Then, and this is the

most important thing..


           've got to tell them

you won't repent anymore.



You've got to tell them exactly:

"I'm no longer going to repent !"



".. and I want this to be published

in tomorrow's newspapers !"



"Otherwise.. Crrr ! Kaputt !"



- Is it clear ? Crrr !



"Kaputt to you

and to your families !"



Show them who you are.

Your repentance is a shame.



You've also got to do that for Maria

who is a good woman.




Maria mustn't know anything.



Then go to the carabinieri at once.



Marshal !



What ?



What now ? Did you steal

a can of tunafish ?



No, Colonel.



I'm not joking !



First I'll take that back

otherwise you'll eat it all up.



Second, I don't know how you could

spread the rumour so fast.



But one thing for sure:

You're chatterboxes !



Gossips ! Blah, blah, blah !



Everyone already knows I repented.

Well, I'm no longer repented

of stealing the banana.



And I want it to be published

in tomorrow's newspaper.



I want to read it in the headlines:

"Dante is no longer repented !"



If I can't see it in tomorrow's news,

I'll get back and.. Crrr !



Kaputt to you

and to your family !



Crrr ! Kaputt to all of you

and your families !



- You don't have to go out !

- Did you meet anyone ?



I told you

he doesn't look like me !



It was early.



No one's around yet.

It's still too early.



Too early !



He went all around town

and no one bothered him.



If I get out it's never

too early to kill me.



We have to take him to the right place.

You've always been in New York.



Not everyone knows you here.




Actually I've had enough of you,

lawyer !



Forget it.

He doesn't look like me.



No one will ever be mistaken.

You don't know Cozzamara.



Nothing escapes his notice.



My love, my love..



He has to be in the right place

and with the right person.



- With me.

- With you? And where do you want

to take him ? To the Opera ?



Shit !



I wanted to go to the Opera

myself. Everyone goes there.



Let's see if they recognise him.

It's a great idea.



Yes it's a great idea,

but it's my idea.



Alright Maria,

take him to the Opera.



If people recognise him, alright. Otherwise

kick him back home.



Johnny Toothpick !



- Everyone is staring at us. 

- It's our first date in public.



- You're the most beautiful woman in here.

- You're beautiful too.



- Shall we have a drink ?

- Okay.



- Maria !

- Donna Emanuela, how are you ? - Fine.



- Let me introduce the Pitré sisters.

- Good evening.



- Johnny, go on, I'll be right there.

- Okay. - Long time no see..



- For you, sir ?

- Two orange juices please.



I want to pay for this banana.



- Sir ?

- A coffee please.



You saw me take the banana ?

When it's my turn..



..because I don't want to take anyone's place,

when it's my turn I'll pay  .    lire.



For the banana I took.



- See you.

- See you soon, Maria.



- Good evening.

- Good evening.



- Johnny? The show's about to start. Let's go.

- I have to pay for the banana.



- You'll pay for it at the end of part one

- It's dangerous.



- Johnny !

- Who's that ?



I'm judge Cataratta,

remember ?



You really didn't get

what I told you.. You insist !



Here, at the theatre, in front of everyone..

Everyone already knows.



- Already ? - Sure,

because it's a really dangerous thing.



You have to leave immediately.



Judge I'll settle it

at the end of part one.



It'll be too late.

You'll be killed before that.



- Johnny !

- Run away my son !



- Johnny come, the show is starting.

- I knew it !



I knew

I had to pay for the banana !



Come and see

how many people are here.



Enough !



The show can't start !



I'm not going to stay in the same

theatre as certain people !.



Come on, dear. Let's leave !



- What are you doing, darling ?

- Shut up !



Let's go.

We're leaving !



What's happening ?



- Who's that man ?

- He's Johnny Toothpick, the reformed criminal.



The notary is right !

I'm leaving too.



You are all pretending not to know,

But we all know.



Do you want me to show him to you ?

There he is !



Everyone saw me.

But how is that possible ?



There were only seven or eight people at the bar.

I bet it's the cashier's fault, the witch !



- You've got to pay for it ! - Scoundrel !

- You shouldn't have come to Palermo !



Assassin !



- You have to pay for everything !

- Away from Palermo, criminal !



- He named my brother ! He ruined my family !

- There's also the greengrocer's sister !



- His whole family is

against me. - Assassin !



You shouldn't have come to Palermo !

Criminal, go away !



Sooner or later you have to pay

for everything, but it'll be too late.



Assassin !



Coward, where is your lady ?



She's hiding because

she's embarassed.



Lady ? She's not a lady,

she's his accomplice.



She's got to go to prison too !



What are they saying ?



Without him,

she'd be no one !



That's enough !



Ugly ragamuffins, impolite,

tramps, beggars..



..stinky, repellent,

stingy and damned people !



Maria is innocent !



The first one who mentions Maria.. Kaputt

to him and to his family !



Understood ?



Now let's get to the point !



How much is it ? I can't go on like this.

I was wrong, I will pay !



I wanted to settle it at the end

of part one but if you don't trust me..



..I'll pay at once. - What are you saying ?

You want to pick on us ?



You're picking on me !

Do you think I have no money ?



Here's  .    lire.

Now I paid !



- This is the last offence we'll take from you.

- How much do you want ?



- What you did is priceless !

- But how much are bananas in Palermo ??



- What do you want from me ?

- You know !



I gave you the money

and now I'll also give it back to you.



- He carries a weapon !

- He carries a bomb !



The banana is stuck.



Here it is !

Are you happy now ?



Where are you going ? No one

has ever called me a "coward" !



I'm not a coward, Maria.



Wait for me. I'm going to do

something and I'll be back.



I was called a coward

in front of Maria !



Then I'll take all of them !



And I won't pay !



I want to make a milkshake

with all the bananas in Palermo.



- Who's that ?

- Assassin !



F**k off !



Johnny Toothpick,

I'm the Chief of the Police.



- We're here to protect you.

- Thanks. - Drop the bananas.



- Let's go get Maria.

- You made a mess !



Everyone was yelling:

"Assassin, thief !"



"You're going to pay for it !

Away from Palermo !"



It was a masterpiece.




I got it !

We misled them.



Therefore if he looks like me,

as you say..



- He's your double !

- My double !



- ..tomorrow Maria will take

him to Cozzamara. - Let's drink !



- I lost him.

- You lost who ? - The fool ?



- He got into the car with the Chief of the Police.

- Oh I understand all now.



The Minister

sent someone for him.



There's a party tonight at "Villa Caputo".

The Minister wants to speak with me..



..Because he's afraid for me to

name him in the Court.

- Do you know each other ?



Not in person.



But when I was in New York

I had a few business with him by phone.



And now he's scared.

That's why he wants to meet me.



Maria, this is a mess, you've got

to stop him before they meet.



If the Minister realises

that he's not the real Johnny, it's over.



Run to "Villa Caputo" !



- I know that you were called a spy..

- ..And a thief.



Many people think you're a coward.

But I think you were brave instead.



Everyone should act like you did. The

good ones in Italy would agree with that.



- I was right ? - Yes, but unfortunately

we can't still put an end..


            the terrible problem which 

gives Palermo a bad reputation.



- Please, Chief this is a bad moment

to speak about traffic !



- Where is Maria ?

- Don't think about it, enjoy yourself now.



- We'll send someone for Maria.

- Thanks.



I'd like to introduce my wife

to you. Gelsa ?



Meet Johnny Toothpick.



- Excuse me.

- Good evening.



All's well, Minister,

Johnny Toothpick is here.



Which one is he ?



He's the man sitting with my wife.



Would you like to meet him at once ?



In a little while. I'm not in a haste.



Mister Johnny.. The Americans

gave you that name, didn't they ?



No. It was Maria's idea, we were at the Hotel Excelsior,



she stuck a pin here

and called me "Johnny".



So Johnny was Maria's idea..



- Yes.

- What a woman !






I want to tell you something:

many men want her.



But they know she's like an impossible dream

and are happy just to talk about her.



She's a really delicate

and sensual woman.



That's true.

Maria is very delicate.



Very delicate and very..



Very sensual.



Dottor Randazzo !



- Good evening. - Good evening to you.

But what are you doing here ?



No, what are you doing here..

I'm glad we met, I saw you

enter while I was leaving.



- You saw me enter ?

- Yes.



- What did you see ?

- I saw that you're in trouble. Stop it !



So, you've been cheating for a year.

The zabaione !



Mister Randazzo,

don't report me please !



- I'll give you my insurance back.

- Your insurance ? You can keep it now.



The Minister will take care of you.



- Cheating on the State is serious crime

- Mister Randazzo !



You must be joking. I'll give you

part of my insurance..



Randazzo baby, my little cute Randazzo..



- Please..

- Enough !



I saw you.



and I'm so glad I unmasked

another cheat.



- Now the State will take care of you.

- When ?



Very soon. Burocracy is fast

in these cases. But it's late. I..



- Good night.

- Very fast ?



Darn it ! Why did I have to

meet him tonight ?



Cheat on the State, trial, serious crime..



- The Minister wants to meet you

at once. - Already ?



- Follow me.

- Darn it ! That's fast !



I sent for you urgently,

I couldn't help it. You're trapped.



But you can save yourself.



Only, you don't have to lose your mind

on such a delicate moment.



It's easy for someone to be

trapped like you were.



You're right,

I didn't expect that.



When I noticed him, I tried..



But I'm so unlucky !



Yes, we should have four eyes and four ears.



- I am afraid of getting caught myself

all the time. - Excuse me ?



I can speak to you freely.

We're in the same boat.



I have been cheating for    years myself.



   years ?

And no one ever found out ?



- You're great ! - Let's help each other.

We're in the same boat.



I can help you get out of trouble

without consequences,



But you have to promise

you won't name me.



- When ? - During the trial.

- Oh yes, the trial..



I would never name you in the Court,

also because your name..



I know, but I need to be sure of that.

I need your assurance.



- My assurance ?

- Sure, that's why I sent for you.



I can't even remember where it is.

Maybe it's in the drawer in the living room..



What if I give you my assurance ?



If you give me your assurance,

I'll give you mine.



I'll give him mine,

he'll give me his own..



Therefore we exchange them, right ?

Agreed !



- Let's shake hands !

- To the boat !



We're in the same boat.

Now that I chilled out..



- May I ?

- Please.



- Do you suffer from that disease too ?

- You're right.



It's a terrible disease,

but I can't help myself.



- Want some ?

- No, thanks, I'm okay.



Wonderful !



It comes from South America.

Don't you believe it's wonderful ?



- You'll agree with me.

Here, this is for you. - No !



- Please take it, it's incredible.

- No ! - It is.



- Well, thanks then, but you weren't supposed to..

- And now let's enjoy the party.



But remember,

we don't know each other.



- Why ?

- We just don't.



You go east and I go west.



- We don't know each other.

- I go east and you go west.



Chief, sorry if I am bothering you.

Has Maria arrived ?



Maria is about to arrive.

In the meantime taste this great food.






- Mmm.. It's so sweet ! - No, thanks.

This is poison for me.



- Poison ? It's so sweet !

- Yes, there's too much sugar.



I used to be have a sweet tooth..



..But my disease forced me to

renounce this pleasure.



Why, do you have diabetes too ?

But how many people in Sicily have it ?



Unfortunately there's no

cure for it, at least in Italy.



Yes, unfortunately.



Cardinal !

You're a lucky man.



I've got something which will

help you recover ! Glutton !



Here it is !



After taking that

you can have all the sweets you want.



Let me see..



You were right.

You cannot find that in Italy,



This comes from South America.



You need to cut it.



- It's ready.

- Jesus ! I need water.. - No, drop it !



Cardinal, you don't need water to take it,

you have to sniff it !



- But this..

- No, you cannot directly sniff it.



You need something to help you do that.



Enough now ! I don't want to have

anything to do with this stuff !



I want to know who gave it to you !



You're right, you think I'm

the one to thank, but



I'm not the one to thank.



May I ?

The Minister gave it to me.



What are you saying ? You're crazy !

l don't know you.



True, we don't know each other,

but you are the one

to thank, as you gave it to me.



Who's got a   .    lire bill ?



Does anybody have a   .    lire bill ?



I know who has it !

Cardinal, wait a moment.



It's already rolled too.



Where is it ?

Can I, Minister ?



He should have it. I saw it before.

Here it is !



It's rolled, you need it to sniff.

Here it is, Cardinal.



You have to close one nostril

and sniff with the other one.



Do you want me to show you ?

Cardinal, come on !



Cardinal, bow your head.




show him how to do it.



- That's disgusting !

- Gentlemen, please.



Let's take it easy.



We all can see that this man

is a criminal fool !



Enough ! Criminal !



l spend my life

fighting against people like him.



Every day I work

to defeat corruption..



..hypocrisy, immorality.



I cannot be offended

by this vulgar clown.



- l don't know you !

- But Minister, you gave me the medicine.



- Enough ! - You're a fool,

how dare you offend my husband ?



Your husband.. The Minister.. the Cardinal..



Excuse me, who are you ?



Who am I ?

I'm the Minister's wife.



And then show us your Ministry !



Enough !

I've had enough of this game !



Oh, it's a game !

I didn't know it was a game.



- Who's that fool ?

-  He's Johnny Toothpick, a dead man.



Oh, Leopoldo !



Maria !



What a pity, now that I having fun

I have to leave, Cardinal.



Cardinal.. Now I'll play

the Minister. It's my turn.



The State, the Constitution ! I've

played the limp for    years.



Has he gone west ?

Then I'll go east.



Woof ! Woof ! Woof !



Come in, Johnny.



Come in ? But this is your room, isn't it ?



Yes, but I'm not sleepy,

stay with me for a while.







I have to talk to you.



- About what ?

- About you. - Oh, about me.



Maybe you didn't notice

that you and I haven't made love.



l noticed that.



Maybe you got distracted

and think we made it..



..but I'm sure we didn't.



Maybe you aren't asking me to make it

because you think I would say no.



I want to reassure you.

Maria, you've got to know..



..that if you decide to make love with me

you'll find my door open.



Goodnight, Maria.



She's so beautiful !



Mister uncle ?



Here's the dinner for the dog,

In fact I heard Bobby bark.



I'll bring.. but a lot of things are missing,

the candies, the liquorice, the fruit.



I'll make him a nice fruit bowl.

the lemon, the garlic.



Here's the garlic, the broad beans,

the peppers, a tomato.



He'll never forget this dinner.

The vinegar ! He's a sicilian dog !



The mayonnaise,

he likes it so much.



Where is it ?






The mayonnaise..



There's none.

I'll bring him the salame.



The salame is ok.

Here's the cake.



I'm coming, Bobby !

Here's a nice dinner for Bobby.



Where is he ?



Bobby ?



It's so dark ! There are stairs.



I'll leave the food on the steps.



Goodnight, Bobby.



This idiot is breaking my balls !



To me it's a relief.



You could have paid

some consequences too.



There are men of no scruples

who kill other people's wives.



But not me, Filippo Cozzamara.



You made an honourable decision.



You don't have to feel embarassed.

Is there anything else I can do for you ?



I don't want him to suffer.



When you shoot his face,

the victim dies immediately.



It's the best way to die

because bullets..



Okay. Thank you.



No, I thank you.



Now you'll be a rich, free,

young and beautiful woman.



How bad I'm no longer young.

Time is a killer.



- I'm sorry, madam.

- Alright then. At the barber's.



Yes, take him to the barber shop.




Goodbye, madam.



I'm coming, Maria,

but short hair doesn't fit me.



Trust me, he's the best barber

in Palermo. My uncle goes there too.



Let's go then.



In this envelope there are the ticket,

the passport of the fool..



..the credit cards, and so on.

- Alright.



You will leave

when Maria comes back.



She'll come with you to the airport.



And after the funeral

she'll join you in Buenos Aires.



Very good then. From now on

Johnny Toothpick is dead.



Yes ! You're dead, but you'll be

dancing samba in South America.



Lawyer !



Johnny Toothpick is dead.

Get it into your head !



Only three people know the truth.

Those people are me and Maria.



And me.



Yes, and you.



- Good morning.

- Good morning.



Good morning.



Please, sit down.



Johnny I'm leaving, 

but I'll be back.






How long will it take ?



For him ? 

It won't take long.



- Sit down please.

- Okay Johnny, bye. 

- Bye.



- Don't cut it too much.

Short hair doesn't fit me. - Okay.



- Just a little bit.

- A bit.



Excuse me, but too much light

is not good for my eyes.



- Can I shut it down ?

- Sure. - Thank you.



- Hello, Johnny. - Good morning.

- How is your mother ?



- My mother ? She's fine, why ?

- He said "fine".



- Why, something happened to my mother ?

- Show me the spot.



- Oh, it's no longer there !

- Hey, but Maria likes it alot.






If Maria likes it,

we'll make a nicer one.



Thank you.



The nicer it is,

the better Maria will like it.



I forgot to take

the brown shoes.



- Can you bring them to me ?

- Yes.



Saint Cleopatra..

I can't believe it !



Maria, you were really good.



And now the funniest part:

the funeral.



True, the funeral of that idiot !



Maria, don't disappoint me.



Scream, cry alot.



I'm afraid I'll laugh.



I'll pretend to cry

on the lawyer's shoulder.



Oh, but the lawyer won't

take part in that funeral.



- Why ? - Because he'll take

part in another one.



- Which one ? - His own.

- What ? - Actually he's dead.



- Too many people

knew the truth. - Johnny !



Where are you going ?



We were running out of gas.

It'll take me a minute.



What a jerk !

He forgot the gas.



My love.



Don't be nervous. There's time.

We have almost arrived at the airport.



Yes, Maria !






- Please, reach me soon.

I want.. - Yes, my love.




again with those kisses !



Maria, but when will you learn

to behave like a man ?



I got dirty with your lipstick.

Now I need to wash myself.



I'm sorry, love.



- I'm coming with you.

- You wanna come to the men's room ?



Do me a favour.

Get yourself a coffee.



Johnny !



The b**ch ! She betrayed me.



If I think that I allowed her

to study in Detroit !



Johnny, greetings from Cozzamara.



Let me finish.



Johnny, turn around.



Turn around, Johnny.



I've always said

he doesn't look like me at all !



- She's a beautiful woman.

- Johnny used to say she was true to him.



- In fact that's her first betrayal to him.

- And what about the fool who looks like him ?



Without that fool, Johnny Toothpick

would have hidden forever.



Nature can be so strange !

He is his double.



If the lady hadn't made that decision,

I would have been fooled by him.



- What about him ?

- The lady will settle it.



I hope that the guys at the barber

didn't hurt him too much.



At the zoo..



There's a rooster..

- Cock-a-doodle-doo !



At the zoo..



Very well but you miss talent for music.

You've got to put more passion in it.



The one over there, who plays the sheep..

Baa ! You've got to "Baa" louder.



At the zoo.. There's a lion !

- Grrrowl !



At the zoo.. 

There's a turkey.



Cluck !



"Cluck" ?

That's the hen.



I said turkey.

Who is the turkey ?



- Who is the turkey ?

- l'm the dog.



- So ? The turkey ?

- l'm the dog. Woof ! Woof !



Maria !



- Let's go. - They can't sing.

- We have to go.



- Where ?

- To the airport.



Excuse me,

who the heck was the turkey ?



We have no time ?

Let's have a coffee before you leave.



I have to leave at once, Dante.



- Dante ? Am I no longer

your Johnny ? - Come here.



- You look better now, Dante.

- In fact I didn't like it.



- I did it for you. - Look who's there.

- I saw him. I'm coming ! Maria..



- I'm leaving.

- No ! Do you want to come up to pee ?



l'm leaving. Bye.



Saint Cleopatra !



- Dante !

- Lillo !



Lillo ! How are you?



- Fine. Yourself?

- Fine.



Hey, have you seen how beautiful she is ?

- Did you have sex ?



No, she was busy.

There wasn't enough time.



But she really loves me.

She said she'll be back.



Come on, let's go and have breakfast,

I've got to tell you lots of things.



Palermo is beautiful.

People have much fun there.



They are playful people.

Nice fellows.



But, if you go to Palermo,

don't touch bananas !



Don't eat them

because people are touchy.



You can get killed for a banana.

But for the rest they are nice.



They took me to a party, to the theatre,

they made me presents..



Speaking of which !

Close your eyes.



Open your eyes.



Here is some medicine for your diabetes.

It can't be found in Italy..



- Have you got a   .    lire bill ?

- No.



 - Nevermind.

You've got to sniff it.



You've got to take it four times

a day. Don't forget.

You have to cut it with a knife.



Take it, then you can eat

all the sweets you want.



And then Maria took me..



There was a bedroom for me..

The house was beautiful !



Then we had dinner in the candle

light, with her uncle..



And she looked at me..

She was so in love, Lillo.



And she came here with me,

and she kissed me.



We had dinner with her uncle

a very nice man, a gentleman.



-Ahh !

- Lillo !



Lillo !




Special help by SergeiK