Just Married Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Just Married script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Just Married. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Just Married Script


Your attention, please.


Flight 217 from Venice, Italy,, now arriving at Gate 34..


Please claim all baggage at carousel number two...


in baggage claim.


Your attention, please.


Flight 217 from Venice, Italy,, now arriving at Gate 34..


Please claim all baggage at carousel number two...


in baggage claim.


Aaah. Hot!


I īll be by tomorrow for my stuff!.


Oh, uh, call first.


īCause I might be having sex with a complete stranger!


Forty-five minutes for a cab. This is ridiculous.


Cheese and rice!


Oh, yeah.


Oh, yeah! Boy, you got it in there...


didnīt you, honey?


Thank you so much.


I need a ride.


Get out of my way.




Get in!


Just try and keep it on the road for a change.


Canīt you get it any closer?


I donīt want to scratch the paint.


What do you do here, Tom Leezak?


Just open the gate, Yuan.


You and Tom not together anymore.


Just open the gate, Yuan!




That one looks heavy.


Get that junkwagon out ofhere.


Right away, Princess!


Not one word.


Are Mom and Dad home?


No. Theyīre at the emphysema ball.


Donīt worry, Peewee...


weīll get this Tom mess cleaned up.








Wake up.


Okay, Iīm home. So, you can leave whenever you want.


Hi, this is Tom and Sarah...


and we canīt come to the phone right now...


because weīre honeymooning in Europe! Yea!


Send a large wedding gift...


or we wonīt call you back-- Iīm serious.


Tom, Kyle. I got your message.


Iīm sorry the honeymoon sucked. Anyway, donīt wig.


Iīll set up lodging in your place.


And when you get back, weīll do some Budweiser therapy.


Hi, Sarah. Itīs Peter.


I thought I might catch you in.


And Tom, if youīre listening, buddy...


I feel your pain.


So where you been, man? Youīre on in five.


I walked over. I had to clear my head.


So? What happened?


I had the perfect relationship...


that was ruined by marriage.


I mean, you saw it, right?


We were perfect from the minute we met.




Yeah. In fact, it was nauseating.


Thank you, Fred.


Blue   ! Blue   !


Watch the one! Watch the one!


Set! Hut!


Iīm open! Iīm open!






Are you okay?




You had nothing on it.




Sarah McNerney.


Cheers, Tom Leezak.


So what do you do when youīre not Joe Montana?


I work at KNR radio.


Your traffic information station.


So I have myself a real live radio host, huh?


No. Someday Iīll be that guy. Sports, hopefully.


Right now, I just do spot traffic reports.


On the graveyard shift.


Every other week.


When the full-time guyīs sick.


Youīre that Tom?


Yeah. You actually heard me on the air?


Yeah. I called in about a week ago, like  :   a.m.


You said the Pasadena freewaywas all clear...


so I took it and got stuck behind a jackknifed big rig...


for, like, three hours.


Sarah from Beverly Hills.


Who called me a... fathead.


You got pretty heated.


Very heated.


So,  :   a.m.?


Thatīs a little bit past your bedtime, now isnīt it?


How do you know my bedtime?


I was wrapping out an auction.


Iīm a gofer at Sothebyīs.


Beverly Hills, Sothebyīs.


Let me guess. Marketing major, Stanford.


Smarty-pants in the front row.


Art History major, Wellesley, back row.


Oh, back row. Sweet! Me too.


Communications, Burbank Community College.


You wanna hear the fight song?


N-No, Thank you.


Are you sure? Iīm really good at it.


No, really. Thanks.


Thatīs a good choice.




Youīre not by any chance...


daughter of Dan McNerney...


part owner of the Lakers and Dodgers McNerney?


Iīll take that as a yes.


You ready to get your ass kicked at eight-ball, Leezak?


Ha ha ha ha. You are dreaming, Wellesley.


I went to day care in a pool hall.


Oh. pretty,confident there, huh, fiathead?


Bags, shush. Bags, shh!






And that was it.


A month later, we moved in together.


And why the hell did we get married...


when we had loving each other so completely nailed?


I donīt know. Ten seconds.


Well, why does anyone get married?


Does it make sense to be with one person...


for your entire life?


People change.


They grow.


Youīre on, Tom.


Maybe weīd still be together...


if Iīd gotten the proposal right...


but nope--


The proposal is critical, and I blew it.




This is Tom Leezak...


with KNR traffic at  :   a.m.


At this hour, there are approximately seven vehicles...


on all southland freeways.


So if you feel like skateboarding down the    ...


sheīs wide open.


Stay tuned for another traffic update in     minutes...


on KNR, your traffic information station.


And weīre out.


Look here, Tom. You gotta focus. All right, man?


Forget about proposals. Forget about marriage.


All right?




Do you have to grunt all the time?


Youīre just like... a little pig with hair.


Would you-- Oh, look at me.


Iīm just the cutest doggy in the wo-world.


Iīm the cutest doggy in the world.


Throw the ball for me. Iīll pull on your leg all day.


Bags! Seriously, I will--


Bags, Iīm reading.


Go... fetch.


It wasnīt like Bags to chase pigeons.


This pigeon was cruel. It was--


Bags, he just--


Whoo, he just went for him.


He was taunting.


And... squawking.




Oh... squawking.


At first, it was-- It was more of a-a, more of a purring.


Coo. You know how they coo.




You know, I mean, Bags was--


You know, got his attention.


He has a low tolerance...


for those kinds of annoyances.


But then it turned into this, like, shrill...




Youīre lying.




Your nostrils always flare when you lie.






Theyīre not flaring.


Iīm not lying.


Honey, Iīm sorry.


Iīm sorry. Iīm just really overwhelmed.


You promise weīll never lie to each other?


Itīs a promise.


I love you so much.


Listen... Sarah--


I want to marry you, Tom Leezak.


I want to marry you too.


Why you bring Dodge to front?


Park at service entrance.


Open the gate, Yuan.




Here we go!


Well, well, well.


What a surprise!




Oh, welcome to the family, Tom.


Thank you, Mrs. McNerney.


Oh, you can call me Pussy now.


Thank you.




Well, wonderful. Wonderful!


Yuan, champagne for everybody!


Knock it off, Dickie!


Peewee, my youngest daughter.


You little rebel.


And you, Tom Leezak...


youīre... well--


Wonderful surprise.


Thank you, Mr. McNerney.




I just hope that I can be...


all that I can be...


in this...




Well... I love Sarah.


Thatīs all I need to know.


Well, you really missed the boat...


didnītyou, Prentiss?


Yes, I did, Dan.


You betyour ass you did.


I shouldīve been courting Sarah...


instead of putting in    -hour days at the office.




congratulations, to both ofyou.


Seriously, from... from my heart.


Thank you, Peter.


Youīre a lucky man.


Hey, I know that.


Grab a flute ofibubbly,and rise.




Why is Peter Prentiss here?


Dadīs doing a business deal with him.


All right.


Health, wealth, happiness!


Health, wealth, happiness!


All right. Peewee,   -yard out.


Leezak, gimme a five-yard slant.


You got this, man.


Donīt worry about it.


Calm down.


What do you mean, calm down?


Hey, why do bad things happen to good people?


Thatīs what I want to know.


Whereīs that in your book?


Sheīs very determined, you know.


Are you kidding? Look, heīs a Polack.


No, heīs a-- Heīs a Polack.


I know that. I warned you.


Letīs see what Leezakīs packing.


Ready? All right.


- And break! - Break!


On one. Ready?




You girls ready,forthis?






That was a hard one. That was a tough one.


- Yeah! - Thatīs what Iīm talkinī about.


What are you doing, Willie?


Hey, I slipped.


I still got my flag.


Iīm good. Iīm good.


Oh, my Peewee. Always moving so fast.


You move in together after a month...


Live together for nine months, and now youīre engaged.


Oh, I know you love him, but you know...


sometimes it takes more than love...


to sustain a marriage.


You need to be old enough to know whoyou are...


and whatyou want and who he is.


Oh, Mom, Mom, heīs wild and spontaneous...


and hysterical and offbeat...


and on top of all that...


heīs centered, and heīs down to earth.


Heīs everything I want...


and we have this passion for each other...


thatīs just... oh!


Iīm jealous.


All right.


First thing tomorrow...


weīre gonna plan this wedding!


Hey, you.


So I guess everyone thinks that weīre crazy...


for doing this.


Now, when did we start caring about what other people think?


Well, areyou sure that...


you donīt want to marry a guy like Peter?


If I wanted to know exactly what my life would be...


from here on out...


I would marry a guy like Peter.


But I love not knowing.


I love our messy loft.


Your beater car.


Ha ha.


I want to start a life with you.


- Sarah? - Go.


Hi, Daddy.




marriage is like a business investment.


Its-- Its long-term viability...


is best established unemotionally.


Bottom line, Daddy? We love each other.


That is all that matters, tsk.




Good night, sir.


Congratulations, Mr. Leezak.


Big Daddy, Leezakīs in the house!


Oh, I hope she doesnīt spook on you, man.


What do you mean?


I love Sarah. Donīt get me wrong, but...


rich chicks spook.


A powerful daddy plus family money...


equals expectations.


Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.


My marriage is not gonna have a fungal rot.


Weīre gonna be happily married every day...


for the rest of our lives.


Unless she finds out that you slaughtered her dog.


Oh, donīt worry. Iīll take that to my grave.




Ifyou change your mind at the altar...


just pass out.


Iīm not going to change my mind.


Okay. Iīm just saying if you do...


just hit the floor.


Thank you, but itīs not gonna happen.


So, youīre sure youīre ready...


to give up your grazing rights?


Iīm not a grazer, Kyle.


Well, what if you became one later in life?


I mean, over the next    years...


youīre giving up five hayrides peryear.


So I can either be happily married to Sarah...


or have    one-night stands.




Thatīs not even a choice.


Okay, okay.


Letīs move on.


Are there any chicks you didnīt have...


thatyou wish you had?


You are, like, the worst best man ever.


Hey,, Peter! Overhere, Prentiss.


I canīt believe she invited Prentiss.


- Glad you made it, buddy. - Hey, man. Whatīs going on?


Did she ever hook up with that yahoo?


They went backpacking in Europe once.


It was after high school.


I donīt think anything happened.


Youīre getting married...


and she didnīt share the roster?


She shared the roster.


Merrick and Bruce.


What about Prentiss?


And you never asked again?


I won. Itīs irrelevant.




As long as youīre okay with a bogus roster.


Itīs not a bogus roster.


Is he on, or is he off?




Shut up.


And you couldīve had Peter.


I did have Peter. It wasnīt that hot, okay?


Excuse me?


I was in Seattle...


helping on an appraisal...


ran into Peter-- We went out.


I drank way too much...


andbefore I knewit we...




You bad girl.


I wanted to tell Tom so many times...


but he gets so jealous, you know?


Listen, it doesnīt matter that he doesnīt know.


Itīs not like you guys were married...


and even if you were--


No, no, no. It matters to me.


Itīs like living a lie.


I cannot live a lie.


There will always be this big, fat elephant...


in the room with us.


Listen, P.eewee. Nevertellhim.


Itīs time to go, Sarah.


Come on.


Got everything?




How you holding up?


Pussyīs a mess.


Iīm just telling you right now. Be prepared.






- Oh! Ow. - Ooh.


- Are you okay? - Yes.


- Are you all right? - Iīm fine.


This threshold thing isnīt as easy as it looks.


Daddy got the big suite!


Yeah, he did.


Weīre really married.


Weīre really, really really married.


Forever and ever.


Do you feel like... it?


I donīt know.


Do you?


Oh... Iīm kind of tired.


Me too.


I am. I mean, yeah.




Whatīs the matter?


Itīs our wedding night, and we donīt want to have sex.


No. Uh...


itīs okay.


Weīre tired.


Itīs fine.


Itīs just that this is our wedding day...


and itīs something I fantasized about...


my whole life.


And now itīs over.


Did you have wedding fantasies...


when you were a little boy?




Oh, honey.


Oh, my God.


Tomorrow, my parents are gonna know...


Iīm not a virgin anymore.






You havenīt been a virgin since college.


I know. I know...


but tomorrow theyīre gonna know for sure...


that Iīm not a virgin...


and theyīre gonna know that you deflowered me.


Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, honey!




Thatīs what my mom always called it.


My mommy.


Oh, Sarah.


Whoa, whoa, whoa.


Hey. Hey.


I love you.




And we have our entire lives to have sex...


so itīs okay if we donīt do it tonight.




Now I kind of feel like it.






That was a sexy speech.


I turn it on every once in a while.


Oh. Bloody nose. Bloody nose.


Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello.


Youīre mine for one night...


and youīre falling apart already.


Iīm not gonna have to trade you in, am I?


Okay, okay.


There you go. Just like that.


Stop the bleeding.


I look like a chimp.


You look gorgeous.


Letīs go to sleep.


I love you.


I love you too, babe.


Sweetie, our plane leaves in an hour.


Aaah! Aaah!


Okay, so that wasnīt the smoothest start...


to a honeymoon.


But tomorrow we will be at the foot of The Alps...


at the Hotel DuReve.


Yes, we will.


Itīs gonna be totally perfect.


Yes. It sounds totally perfect.


But I canīt wait until then.


Jimmy crack corn!


Close it, bitch!


Thereīs a lock on the door for a reason,junior.


Iīm claustrophobic, okay,?


Do we have a problem?




No problem. Weīre just waiting.




Mexican food.


Thatīs an oxymoron.


Sweet Lord. Where does that come from?


- Letīs just wait. - Oh, my gosh.


The captain is anticipating turbulence...


and has turned on the fiasten seat belt sign.


Kindly, return to your seats.




Breathe through your mouth. Breathe through your mouth.




Breathe through your mouth. Just do it.Just do it.


Hurry up.


Okay, okay, okay. Let me just--


This is gonna work. This is gonna work.


Wait. Iīm gonna step on--






The crapperīs got my foot.


Oh. Okay, wait. Let me help. Okay.


Okay. One, two, three.


Return to your seats, please.


Be right out.


Okay. Okay, ready?


Okay. One, two, three.


Return to your seats now, please.


Beat it, stew!




Playtime is over, children.




Go toy,ourseats! Do you hear me?


Letīs flush it.


You flush. Iīll pull.


I canīt get it out.


The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign!


Wait, wait, wait. Count of three. Ready?


One, two, three.


Well, thereīs something we can tell the grandchildren about.


Great story for the kids.




How you doinī there, chief?


Hey, can we get the, uh, le car for lezak?


Bonjour. Ah, les réservations sont pour Leezak.


Ah, oui, mademoiselle.


You never told me you spoke French.


It was that summer abroad.


I backpacked to Europe.


Ah, here we are, uh, for Mr. and Mrs. Leezak.


Uh, must be some mistake, non?


No, no mistake. Mister and missus.


What the hell?


These sports scores are two days old.


- So? - So, you know perfectly well...


if I donīt have an up-to-date sports section to workwith...


it throws off my whole day, startinī with my morning dump.


Honey, thereīs gonna be satellite TV in the hotel.






Ah. I wonder what kind of wheels we got?


Iīm telling you. This is not the car.


Ispecifiically, ordered a compact.


This is a European compact.


No, this is a Ringling Bros. compact.


Iīve owned Tonka trucks bigger than this car.


I mean, honey, I looked at the brochure...


and there was a Fiesta on the cover...


not a Bingo.


Aw, baby needs a great big car...


to make him happy.


Uh, well, we could really use the Dodge about now.


"Oh, we could really...


use the Dodge about now.īī


What was that?


You just sound so "Uh-merican.īī


"Oh, we could really use the Dodge about now, mmm.


"While Iīm makinī a doody...


"can you hand me my sports section...


"and a beer with that?


Thank you very much, maīam.īī


Are you mocking me?


No, baby. Just floor it.


I am flooring it. If I pushed any harder...


my foot would blow through the floor...


and weīd be Flintstoning our asses there.


Ooh! Whoa, whoa! Turn here!


You okay,?


- Yeah,you? - Yeah.


If you wouldīve told me about the turn...


maybe before we passed it...


I wouldnīt have had to pull such a NASCAR evasive maneuver.


I was busy looking at the map. Somebody had to navigate.


Listen to us.


We sound like an old married couple.


Never again.


Just for the record...


why did I almost get us killed back there?


Because thatīs our hotel.


It looks like a castle.


It is a castle.


And thatīs precisely why it looks like one.


Mmm. Letīs go.


Okay. Hee hee.




This is the most beautiful thing...


Iīve ever seen.


Letīs go.


Look, baby, look.


It comes with free nuns.


- Bonjour. - Bonjour.


- Bonjour. - Bonjour.


- Merci. - Merci.


- Bonjour. - Bonjour.


- Bonjour. - Bonjour.




Ah, bonjour. Merci.


Bonjour. Merci.


Bonjour. Merci.


Bonjour. Merci.




Welcome to Hotel Du Reve.


I am Henri Margeaux.


Nous sommes Sarah et T om Leezak.


- Leezak, non? - Oui.


The honeymooners?






- Oui. - Oui. Why?


Itīs so fresh and young to have marriage, no?


No. Weīre married.


I almost forget.


Ooh, presents.




"Have a wonderful honeymoon.






Thatīs a platonic love.


Forget about Peter.


Here, please enjoy.


Room, haut, upstairs.






Tell me this isnīt your fantasy.


Itīs better than my fantasy.


Good. īCause weīre paying out the ass for it.


Honey, just for the record...


when you talk about money...


especially in reference to it coming out of your heinie...


it sort of kills the romance of the moment.


Right. Sorry.


Now fight your deep urge to be cheap...


and give the bellboy a large tip.




Do you guys, uh, provide satellite TV?


TV in bar.


So thereīs no TV in this room?


TV in bar.


Ask him if they have ESPN.


He said, "The TVīs in the bar."


He also said that if he were here with me...


he wouldnīt be concerned with TV.


He makes a point.


Oh, I gotta call Mom and Dad.


Talk about killinī the romance.


I told īem Iīd call. Itīll just take a minute.


Hi, Mom. Itīs Peewee.


Oh, say hi to Pussyfor me.


Tom says hello.


Yeah. Oh, itīs so great.




"To Tom and Sarah.


Enhance thy honeymoon. Love, Kyle."


Iīll call you later, Mom. Bye.


Cheese and rice. Is that a ThunderstickA-   ?


And since when did you become the expert?


I told you about that night I had in college.


You didnīt tell me about the hardware.


Getting a visual?


We gotta charge this thing.


Ha ha.


Mmm. That plug wonīt fit in a European outlet.


Iīll make it fit.


Come on.


Honey, donīt force it.


- Honey.


Are you okay? Are you okay?


Holy dear Jesus.


Good thing that didnīt happen...


when we were using it.


Oh, God.


Come on! Come on, Thunderstick!


Oh, no! Okay, just let it go.


My grandparents installed the wiring...


in the hotel...


before World War First.


It worked fine...


until you young kids...


had to bring out your toys...


and ignore the sign.




That is the--


Thatīs in French, for Christīs sakes.


Thatīs because weīre in France.


Is there anything we could do?


Pay the damages.


Hold on there,Jacques.


Je mīappelle Henri Margeaux.


Whatever. Look, this hotel gets guests...


from all over the world.


Itīs your responsibility...


to put some American on your signs.


- He means English. - Sarah!


Iīm trying to negotiate.


So I must make my hotel of dreams...


Iike every other Howard Johnsons...


with a bright orange roof?


It wouldnīt hurt!


Cochon américain!


Cochon what?


Stupid American pig.


Oh. Oh. Yeah?


Well, that-- I guess that makes you...


a stupid French...




Oh,y,eah, I said it. Frog!


You get out of my Hotel DuReve!


I wouldnīt stay in this dump...


if you paid us!


Letīs go to the HoJos, honey.


There are no HoJos here, Tom.


Sarah, please.


There is a fiarm up the road...


and they have a nice pigsty for you!


Yeah? Well, maybe theyīll have...


a nice little bulldozer...


and we can finish this place off...


tough guy!


Andy,our credit cardbill...


will be a fat one--


- Yeah? - Mr. Tough Guy!


Yeah, well, weīre keepinī


the champagne and the cheese...




Letīs go, honey.


Whatīs wrong?


Where are we gonna stay, Tom?


Donīt worry. This is like a vacation zone.


Weīll fiinda place.


Now get your shit, letīs go.


Whatīs the next place?


The next hotel with no vacancy would be...


Schloss Hootenvindergalt.


How far is it?




In miles, please.


   . -- You multiply by point six.


Ho ho, Iīm learning so much.


Oh, me too. Me too.


Let me guess.


This is great. This is just what we needed.


Do you want me to drive?


Honey, I can drive in the snow.


Turn off your brights, jackass!


Great. Now we get to freeze to death.


Look, weīll just--


Weīll sleep in here...


and weīll dig out in the morning.


Iīm so glad I get to hear the phrase...


"Weīll dig outīī on my honeymoon. Yeah.


Why donītyou just get it overwith now...


and blame me?


Well, if you hadnīt insulted Henri at the hotel...


then we wouldnīt be spending the evening in a snowball.


Iīm sorry. Next time...


Iīll try to be a little bit more refined...


Like your friend Peter.


Good night, Tom.


Good night, Sarah.


Great. Thereīs no fucking tilt wheel in Europe.


Are you gonna hate me forever?


I donīt know.


Wanna get drunk and make out?


Well, thatīs not gonna get me drunk.


But we could make out.




We could get injured doing this.


Iīll settle fora cuddle.


Just let me get the shifter...


out ofimy,ass.






I tīs morning.


Oh, my--


Oh, my God.


Oh, itīs-- Wow!


Letīs just stay here for the rest of the trip.


Fine with me.


- Hey! - Excuse me!


A little help here!


- Hi! - Hey!


Blue car! Blue car!


- Whoo! - Hey, it worked.


Okay,, we can catch the  :   train to Venice...


and go straight to the Gianna.


No, our reservation isnīt till Tuesday.


So weīll stay there a few extra days.


I just put an entire castle on my credit card.


We canīt afford to stay at the Gianna...


for a few extra days.


So? Iīll call my dad up...


and heīll lend us the money, okay?


No. No. There is no possible way...


Iīm taking money from your dad.


Pride is a crutch of the insecure.


You are not taking the money. I am taking the money.


No, we donīt need to take the money.


This is about us now.


Listen, my dad told me...


about this nice little pensione in Venice.




Excuse me. Could you just drive?


Pleasejust let me call my, dad. Please?


No! This is our honeymoon. Not his.


So itīs fine to just stay...


at some pensione that your father recommended.


Look, weīre staying at the Pensione Funicello...


and weīre gonna have a hell of a good time.


I canīt take this anymore.


Honeymoons are supposed to be...


all champagne, and room service...


and lovemaking-- We havenīt made love--


Andno, no, no. What do we get?


We get evicted from a five-star hotel...


and to boot, Iīm yelling at you!


Weīre yelling at each other!


Weīre not really yelling at each other.


Iīm the one thatīs yelling, and Iīm sorry...


and I wanna go home right now.


Maybe we should go home.


I know this honeymoon hasnīt been perfect.


But Iīm sure that the pensioneīs...


gonna be fine.


Look, weīll check in...


sleep late, eat pasta...


gaze out at the Piazza del...


something, something.


Itīs gonna be heaven.


P.ensione Funicello?


Si, si.


Are you sure this is "correctoīī?


Si, si.


How bad could it be?


Aw, crap.




Weīre in this together, right?


Do you have four men...


staring at your boobies right now?






you know, weīll try it for one night...


and if we donīt--




Like it...


weīll... you know...


go somewhere nicer tomorrow.


- Grazie. - Grazie.


This is actually happening, okay?


Weīre never gonna forget this honeymoon.




Buona sera.


Want to show those paisans how itīs done?


Cockroach! Cockroach! Cockroach!


Oh, honey! Honey!


Okay! Okay! Okay!


Letīs get out of here, please?


Weīre checking out! Weīre checking out!


Get it off!. Get it off me!


Thanks forthe help, Daddy,.


Thanks forthe help, Daddy,.


I miss you.


Okay, bye.


Honey, he wants to talk to you.


Canīt you just tell him...


Thank you from all of us here at the gorgeous Gianna?


Hello there, Mr. McNerney.


Please bear in mind that our daughter loves him, Dan.


Listen, Leezak--


Um, I donīt expect a cracker like you...


to ever measure up...


to anything approaching what I would consider...


a good match for my daughter...


but Iīll tell you what I do expect.


I expect you to pay me back in full...


just as soon as that...


silly ass radio show of yours...


yields any kind of reasonable income.


Good-by,e, cracker.




What was that?


He called me a cracker.


A cracker, honey.


He did not. Huh.


What? That surprises you?


Your dad hates me.


Well, wonderful. Wonderful.


Heīs gotyour whole family...


praying that this marriage fails.


Thatīs not fiair.


Momīs never said a bad word about you.


Wow! Pussyīs never insulted me!


Now I feel loved!


Like your fatherīs never judged me?


No, he hasnīt. Not once.


Maybe we should just have sex.


Call me crazy...


but Iīm just not in the mood to make love.


Iīm not either, but...


we havenīt had sex once since weīve been married.


And there is something very, very wrong with that.


And I have to tell you--


Why are you laugh-- Itīs not funny.


Iīm sorry.


Iīm concerned.


Letīs go to sleep, weīll get good rest.


Weīll sightsee tomorrow.


Be fresh in the morning.




And then weīll have sex.


Imagine Ernest Hemingway sitting right over there...


at the Café Florian...


just sipping a single malt...


dreaming up his next masterpiece.




Those birds are psychotic.


History doesnīt interest you at all. Does it, baby?


Yeah, it does.


I wasnīt an Art History major though, so--


You donīt have to be an Art History major...


to appreciate art.


- Whoa. Whoa. - What?


Doyou hear that?


The bells? No?


What is it, honey?




- What? - Ah, ha ha ah.


- What? - Tsk, tsk, tsk.


What? What are we listening for?


What? What is it? I can help!


Itīs a message from God.


- Itīs a message. - God?


And thereīs a groundball...


up the middle fora base hit.




Honey, we still have to see the Tintorettos.


Oh, the...


the church art is... unbelievable...


but it all kind of looks the same to me.


Now you know I love sports.


I mean, Iīm a sports freak.


But how often are we in Europe?


How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe?


Youīre right. You go watch sports.


Iīll go see the Tintorettos.




- Yeah? - Is--


Is this a loving act of generosity...


or am I going to pay for this later?


Does it make a difference?


Iīm going to make this up toyou, huge.




Tonight, everything is your choice.


Dinner in a church if you want.


Iīll meet you at the hotel.


- I love you. - I love you.






Grazie. Grazie.


Grazie, goddamn it!


Buon giorno, Fredo.


Oh, buon giorno, Mr. Peter Prentiss.


- Come sta? - Bene. Bene.




Peewee, what a surprise!


What are you doing here?


- In Venice? - Yes.


In Venice, yes.


Nextronīs buying out Ferugia Chocolate...


that deal that me and your dad were working on...


so they sent the kid in to close the deal.


Did you get that bottle of cognac I sent?


Uh, yes, I, uh...


thought it a tad inappropriate.


Iīm sor-- I didnīt, uh...


Iīm just trying to be the gallant loser here.




Why donīt we celebrate this great coincidence?


Weīre in Venice.


Iīll take you guys to dinner.


Iīm on my honeymoon.


My-- My honeymoon.


- See? Yeah.


I can be so thick sometimes.


Grazie. Iīm sorry.


I got a lot ofwork to do anyways...


so Iīm going to disappear.


You guys have fun.


Oh, Peter, wait.


Uh, I donīt mean to be rude.


You couldnīt be rude ifyou tried.


Howīs the honeymoon?


Itīs good? Itīs a dream?


Itīs great.


Oh, yeah. Great.


Whereīs Tom?


Oh, heīs, uh...


at the, uh...


the church with--


Uh, with, uh...


with-- Heīs-- Heīs a huge history buff.






Well, see? Itīs good that you guys share that passion.


Oh, yeah... yeah.








I need to know where that little signora is...


at all times.


Verybold, Mr. Prentiss.




Dodgers won!


Dodgers won!


The Dodgers won, honey.




I knew you were going to make me pay...


for watching the game.




No, itīs not that.


We need to talk.


About what?


Have you always told me the truth?




Except the time I told you...


I liked your brotherWillie.


- This is serious. - I am serious.


I really donīt like him.


Marriage is built on honesty and trust.


- I totally agree. - Okay.


Then did you ever do something...


that you wanted to tell me about...


but you couldnīt because you felt bad about it?


And the more time went on...


the harder it got foryou to tell me?


And then it turned into this big, fat lie...


so you kept not telling me about it--


Did you talk to Kyle?


No. Why?


No reason.


Does Kyle know something that I should know?




You covered your nose.


I had an itch.


You were hiding flared nostrils.


What do you have to tell?




Itīs just...


when Bags died...


he didnīt exactly die...


the way that I described it.


Him chasing those squawking pigeons offthe balcony?


Yeah, that.


What happened?




Okay. Iīm reading my magazine...


and Iīm really-- Iīm focusing...


and Iīm really into it...


and along comes Bags, you know?


He comes trucking over...


andhe starts tugging on my,ankle.


And I was like, "Bags!ī


Iīm... Iīm... I was like--


I think I even said, "I īm trying to focus."


Like, donīt-- And he looked up at me...


and he was giving me the look like...


"Hey,, are you gonna play,with me or  not?ī


And I was like...


"I really,just want to read though, Bags. ī


And... Iīm... and...


he started pulling on my ankle again.


So, I grabbed the ball...


and I was like, "Go get it, buddy,. ī


And I threw the ball over my,shoulder...


and it went out the window...


and Bags dove, and he died.


You killed Bags?


It was an accident.


And you lied about it all this time?


Actually, it was more of an omission.


No, it was more like a lie!


Where are you going?


I have to figure out what to dowith this.


What does that mean?


I can deal with you being cheap...


and I can deal with you being a shitty driver.


I cannot not deal with you being a liar!


Whoa. Wait a second.


This whole thing started...


with you wanting to talk about something.


Well, I donīt want to talk about it right now.


So youīre feeling guilty about something too.


Yes, there is something I "omittedīī


that I donītwant to talk about right now.


You want a marriage based on trust and honesty?


Well, hereīs your chance.


Come on!


Yeah,yeah,you got it! I can see it!


Bring it!


I slept with Peter Prentiss.




I slept with Peter--


I heard you!


Iīm sorry.


I need to hear everything.


No,you donīt.


Yes, I do. Thatīs what I do.


Thatīs what I do. I need to know everything.


Where you were, what he did...


how small his wiener was.




I was helping on an appraisal in Seattle.


I donīt want to hear it!


You slept with that--


It was a long time ago.




- Before we-- - Got married?


- Yes! - Got engaged?


- Of course! - Got together?


Yes. No. No.


It was right after we met.


My parents were pressuring me to.




Imagine my surprise.


I was confiused.


Iīm in Seattle.


He asked me out to dinner.


The champagne is flowing--


Please try not to break into song.


My feelings foryou...


were very, very strong...


and I needed to know that they,were real.


I wasnīt brought up...


to manage feelings like that very well.




you had a real tough upbringing.


I need some air.


Yeah? Me too!


Happy now? You broke it!


Oh, by the way...


Peterīs staying at the hotel.


Thatīs funny!


- Hooker! - Murderer!


Whatīs the score?


 -  top ofithe ninth.


Are you American?


Good guess.


Whereīs Tom?


We donīt feel the need...


to be with each other all the time.




I just find it odd that...


youīre spending so much time apart on your honeymoon.


Are you okay?


Peter,just go. Please?




Sarah. Sarah.


Why are you still here, Peter?


Iīm not going to leaveyou here like this.


Listen. I have a car, all right?


Iīm having a quick drink at a friendīs house.Just...


take a ride with me.


You know, catchy,ourbreath.


Iīll take you back to Tom.






And thatīs the ball game!


Oh, my God!


Oh, my God! I love this song!


No, wait.


I really should go.


I canīt. No, listen--


Bernardo Salviati can actually...


trace his family back to Machiavelli.




Oh, wow. Thatīs a bighouse.


Nextronīs thinking ofbuying it.


Turn it into a resort complex.


Buon giorno, Bernardo!


Peter, hello.


Good to see you.


Bernardo, Sarah McNerney.


Ciao, Bernie.


Tell me, pretty one.


What brings you to Venice?


Iīm on my honeymoon.


Your honeymoon?




But sheīs so young to be married.


Why does everyone keep on saying that?


Whereīs your husband?


Oh, Iīm going to meet up with him...


you know... Iater.




I was married for    years before mywife pass away.


Believe me...


the first months are the most difficult.


Bernardo hereīs a...


a little bit of a romantic.




I love that.


Letīs have a drink.




Youīre on the radio? Thatīs awesome!




when are we gonna go back to-- neeno, neeno, neeno?


Oh. Yeah.


I-- Uh, I canīt do that.




Donīt tell me all the cute conversation...


and air humping is leading nowhere!




Okay, you mean...


when are we gonna--


Okay,. All right.


So Iīm gonna go and hit the...


and then weīll...


do that thing.


- Cool. - Okay.


Iīll be waiting.




And the hits just keep on coming!




Can I get the, uh, key to     please?


Oh, and do you know if mywifeīs up in the room?


A good husband knows...


where his wife is at all time.


And a good maitre dī


answers questions when heīs asked.


Look, Iīm not gonna pay you for an answer.


In this case, you should.


Your wife is in a car...


on her way to Salviatiīs...


with Mr. Prentiss.


Mr. Peter Prentiss?


Hmm? Oh. Of course.


Whatīs Salviatiīs?


One of the oldest...


and most beautiful estates in Venice.


Maybe Mr. Peter will buy it.


Of course Mr. Peterwill buy it.


All right. Where is this place?


You canīt go.


You will be shot on sight.


Okay, thatīs--




When are they coming back?


Your wife and Mr. Peter are out for the evening.


You know what? Naw, forget it.


Iīm not going to be waiting here for her when she gets back.


Oh, no!


I canīt make out a word.


I want to say that, but I --






Sarah. Sarah. Sarah.


Maybe we should switch to water, huh?


I think we should go find Tom now.


That was the longest freakinī piss in Italian history.


Hey. Wendy, uh...


I couldnīt find you in the crowd.


Thatīs cool. Are you ready to go?


Uh... yeah.


Listen, um...


why donīt I just, uh...


walk you back to your hotel...


and drop you off?


That sounds like a plan.


Okay. Um...


what hotel are you staying at?


What hotel are you staying at?


Uh, the Gianna.


Oh, my God! Me too!




Oh, my God.


This is like a TwilightZone.


I couldnīt agree with you more.


Weīre here.


Damn. I donīt have my key.


Can I use your phone?


My-- My phone?


Yeah, to call downstairs...


for my key.




Oh, oh, oh.


Slow down there.


I think you got the wrong room.


Oh, my--


Whooo. Oh, God.


Insult me, radio man!


Iīm-- Iīm on my honeymoon.




Iīm telling you--


You pig!




Thank you.




What? What?




I canīt take this anymore.


Iīm on my honeymoon!




Calm down.


You were just doing the same thing with Wendy.


You have no right to be angry.


You slut!


Excuse me?


You had your tongue down his throat.


I saw it out the window!


Did you see me slap him, then?


Oh, donīt give me that.


Some part of you wants him. Just say it!




Iīm not gonna lie anymore.


Certain things would be easier given his background...


andasmallpart ofime thought...


that I wanted that once--


A very small part.


Why would you invite him on our honeymoon?


I didnīt invite him.


I donīt know how he found us.


Oh,yeah? Oh, well, may,be it was magic.


No, Peter must be a warlock.


Thatīs yours.


Yeah, sure.


It matches perfect with my red leather panties!




I met a woman at a bar.


Nothing happened.


You picked up a total stranger at a bar...


brought her back to our honeymoon suite...


and took off her disgusting red bra.


Nothing happened. I swear.


No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.


No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.




You sit there and make me feel guilty for a kiss--


A kiss that I didnīt even want in the first place.


Donīt tell me you didnīt want it.


You wanted it! I could see from the balcony...


that you wanted it!


Iīm sorry! Oh, my God!


Son of a bitch!


Oh! My skull is on fire!


- Oh! Okay! Okay!


Who is it?


Room service.




No, go away!


Listen, Iīm leaving. Last chance.


Come with me to Seattle.


Hello, Peter. So glad you could join us.


Welcome to the honeymoon from hell, shitheel!


What are you doing, Tom?


I think itīs time for Peter and I to tangle!


See! You have no future with this lunatic!


Shut up, Peter!


Tom, youīre acting like a crazy person.


Maybe itīs īcause I just got hit in the head...


with a    -pound ashtray!


I gotta warn you, Leezak.


I studied karate with a Chinese grand master.


Yeah? Well, I hope he showedy,ou...


how to pull a fire poker outta your ass!


Tom, put the poker down.


Fredo, call the police!


Polizia! Polizia!


Move! Move! Move!


You sat...


at ourwedding.


You heard us take ourvows!


And you still have the nerve...


to show up on our honeymoon...


and try to have sex--


- Whoa! - With mywife!


- Run, you coward! - Get him!


You stay away from mywife!


Wait. Wait. Stop. Thatīs my husband. Please.


Maybe they were right.






They,said that we were too young...


and that we needed to get to know each other better.


Maybe they were right.


Maybe love isnīt enough.


Whatīd he say?


Peter just bailed us out.


Thatīs-- Thatīs just jim-dandy.


Forget it.


Iīm going home.


Yeah, me too!


Passports, please.


Are you leaving with any fruit, vegetables...


or any currency in excess of $      ?


No. No, but my husband does have...


two pounds of hash hidden in his rectum.


The first sex I had on my honeymoon...


was with a man named Santino...


andy,ouīre laughing?


Excuse me, stewardess, can I--


Uh, could I get, uh, one ofthose, uh...


doughnut pillows for--


Yeah. Right away.


Sweet girl.


Excuse me. Sorry.


I feel like weīve been married for    years.


Oh, you should be so lucky.


You want to tell me how Peter ended up at the same hotel?


Want to tell me what really happened with Red Bra?


What? What? What areyou lookinī at?


I hope you used a rubber.


No, I didnīt. It didnīt get that far.


I hope Peter used one though.


Oh, they donīt sell condoms that big.


Ha. Ha. Ha-ha.


Yeah, thatīs funny. Thatīs fun-- Hear that?


We got a comedian on the plane.


Yeah. Youīre a laugher.


You-- You want a laugh?


You want me to make you laugh?


You think Iīm really funny?


Iīm gonna move out when I get home.


Great! Thatīs great!


- The second we get home. - Excellent. Know what?


- Iīm done talking now. - Me too.


And that was it.


Game over.


Whatīs up?


She came back to the apartment.


Is she there now?


No, she left.


Did she say anything?


She took all herstuff.


It canīt be good.


Oh, and she left you this.


Letīs see.




Come on, man.


Youīre gettinī divorced.


Breakfast beer is a must.


I need to talk to my dad.


Gimme a lift?




Gonna tell me what youīre chewinī on?


I just donīt know if love is enough anymore.


What doyou mean, "enoughīī?


I mean...


even if Sarah and I do love each other...


maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.




What youīre saying here is...


you had a couple of bad days in Europe...


and... itīs over.


Time to grow up, Tommy.


Somedays your mother and me loved each other.


Other days we had to work at it.


You never see the hard days in a photo album...


but those are the ones...


that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.


Iīm sorry your honeymoon stunk...


but thatīs what you got dealt.


Now you gotta work through it.


Sarah doesnīt need a guy with a fat wallet...


to make her happy.


I saw how you love this girl.


How you two lit each other up.


She doesnīt need any more security than that.


Thanks, Dad.


Is it over?


Not even close.


What do you do here, Tom Leezak?


You no allowed here no more.


Open the gates, jack-in-the-box.


Me no jack-in-box.


You jack-in-box! Go away now!


Donīt make me break my foot off in your ass.


All right. Look, Yuan. I just need to talk to her.


Relationship over.


She no like you anymore.


Open the goddamn gate!


Shut up, Kyle!


Look, Yuan, did she actually say those words toyou?


She said you have kee-kee with bimbo.


Same thing.


All right. We are not leaving this intercom...


until Sarah herself confirms...


that she is shit-canninī Tom!


Or not.


All right. Damn it! You are--


That is damn straight! This is mywife!


Now, open up the gate!


Canīt we just give the guy...


a chance to explain?


Donīt even think about it, Dickie.


Look, hereīs the deal.


Either youīre gonna open the gate...


or Iīm gonna open the gate. Either way, Iīm cominī in!


Weīll sic the hounds on you, Leezak.


Bring īem on, Willie!


Smooth today. The for--


Until its thickness--


Whatīs going on?


You leave me no choice.


Iīm gonna have to ram the gate.


Oh, I am so down with that.


What do we do now?


Call the cops.


We call SWAT team on your ass.


Iīm ramming the gate.


I donīt know if youīre hearing...


but I am going to ram your gate.


What is the commotion in here?


Tom ram gate.


What the hell is this?


Itīs go time.


That is one strong gate.




Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening.


You donīt want me to be with Sarah...


and I canīt change that.


I donīt know where weīre gonna be...


in          years.


I donīt know who weīre gonna be.


I donīt know iflīm ever gonna be able...


to give her all ofthis.


There are a million things that I donīt know.


But thereīs one thing that I do.


And thatīs that I love Sarah.


And I am going to love her day in and day out...


for the rest of my life.


Now, will you please...




open the gate so I can tell that to mywife.


Iīm sorry, man.


Sometimes when itīs over, itīs just...




Drop the love bomb, baby!




Now do you get it?


I love him, Daddy.


Then go get him.






Iīm sorry.


Me too.


I miss you.


I miss you too.


I miss wrecking airplane bathrooms with you.


I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball.


And torching hotels in Europe.


I-- I miss doing time in prison with you.


Doyou wanna tryto--






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