Australia...Special help by SergeiK
..."The Land Down Under. "
... inhospitable and dangerous.
Home to 20 million kangaroos.
But there is one who is more elusive and clever than all the rest.
And his name is Kangaroo Jack.
But my story doesn't begin in Australia.
It begins 20 years ago, halfway around the world on a beach in Brooklyn.
... Charlie Carbone.
Three things happened on this day that would change my life.
First, was that my mom met Sal.
She hadn't dated much since Dad died, but I could tell right away she was interested.
Why shouldn't she be? Sal Maggio was a respected member of the community.
Well, feared and respected.
And that's Frankie Lombardo.
Fresh out of Juvenile Hall, where they named a wing after him.
Sal was grooming Frankie to take over the family business...
... a family I was about to become a part of.
The second thing that happened was that I met Louis Booker.
Don't tell me. You got 75 cents in your back pocket.
You're wrong. It's a Captain Amazing compass.
- How much you want for it? - It's not for sale. No way. Sorry.
- Wanna play some ball? - No. You play ball.
I gotta check this entire beach if I'm gonna make my car payment.
- You've got a car? - No, but I will.
Now, step aside. My uncle only rented me this metal detector for the day.
- And the third... - Hey, kid.
... most important thing that happened that day...
... was that I went out for a 20- yard pass.
Unfortunately, there was only 15 yards worth of beach...
... and a really strong undertow. And I couldn't swim.
Hey, kid! You lost your...
Somebody help! I think there's a kid drowning out...
I'll save you!
That one moment changed my life...
... because in all the years that followed...
... Louis was better at getting me into trouble than getting me out.
A dreamer in search of treasure, who only found bottle caps.
On that fateful day, Louis saved my life.
You see this guy?
And I never forgot it.
He just saved your life.
He wouldn't let me.
And now it's 20 years later.
My new stepfather, Sal, set me up in my own business:
A beauty salon. He did it for my mother.
Of course, his goons come in every week and take 80 percent of the profits.
That, he did for himself.
And Louis, the guy who saved my life, is now my closest friend.
He thinks I can do a lot better than this...
... but he also thinks he looks like Denzel Washington.
Toots, I was hoping you could ask Sal if I could keep a little extra this week...
...to make improvements on the place.
You wanna make improvements? Lmprove on what's in this bag next week.
Look, man, I need a favor.
I just got this job delivering TVs, but my partner got sick.
He had one of those microwave chimichangas...
Louis, why do all your stories start off this way?
I need your help. If I don't get these TVs off the truck, man, I don't get paid.
Oh, this sounds illegal.
No, no, no. Charlie, this is totally legit, man. I know the guy.
Just like you knew the guy...
...who asked you to drive his dogs up from Florida. Remember him?
I'm supposed to know a bunch of greyhounds were being used to smuggle diamonds?
Look, man, I need your help on this one. Two hours, tops. That's all I need.
- This is really important for me. - Louis, you have a job.
You call working in my uncle's meat market a job, Charlie?
I sweep up cow guts and pig snouts all day, man!
I need a job where I'm treated like a man.
Where I get some respect. Ain't that what Aretha said? "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"?
Well, then, delivering TVs is definitely the answer.
I'm dying here, man. I need your help.
Louis, I'm busy here. Can't you see I'm busy?
I was busy that day 20 years ago on the beach too, man.
Did that stop me from saving this skinny little white kid from flailing in the surf?
No, I stopped what I was doing, jumped in and saved this poor little white kid.
You too easy.
Hey there, Waffles.
Got a kiss for your Uncle Charlie?
Come on, man, what's wrong?
It's just so frustrating.
You don't know how difficult it is to get anywhere...
...when Sal is your stepfather. - He bought you the beauty salon.
I barely keep enough to stay alive.
If he was my stepdaddy, you know what I'd be doing right now?
I'd be: Come on, Charlie, break it down with me.
Snake it. Come on, snake it...
It be a party, Charlie. Be a party.
Pull over to the curb.
Louis, whose truck is this?
I can't be certain.
This is a stolen vehicle.
- Apparently, this is a stolen vehicle. - Oh, my God.
Pull over to the curb.
Pull over to the curb!
Louis, pull the truck over. Just tell them the truth!
- Pull the truck over! - I can't, man!
I'm still on probation from that greyhound thing.
Come on, Louis.
Watch out! Here we go! Okay!
You're breaking so many laws right now!
If we go to jail, I'll tell everybody you a hairdresser!
Sidewalk, Louis! Sidewalk!
Look out! Are you crazy!?
Sorry! Excuse me!
That wasn't my fault!
That was my fault.
Almost ripped my lucky jacket.
What a relief. I forgot you were wearing your lucky jacket!
Big problem: Roadblock!
What're you doing? Slow down!
- We're gonna make it. Hold on! - We're not gonna make it!
Now, that's what I'm talking about! That's what I'm talking about!
I think the dog just peed on my leg. No, I think I peed on him.
All units, intersection blocked. Suspects are at large.
- Just pull the truck over, I am getting out. - You can't bail on me now!
I gotta stash these TVs until the heat cools down.
Come on. We got six TVs left.
Five. Come on, man, help me get this up.
Hey. Is that Charlie?
- Tommy? - What're you guys doing here?
- Your father didn't say you was coming. - Sal?
Yeah, this is his warehouse.
- I didn't know. - You didn't know?
I didn't know!
You brung the heat here, Charlie. Are you crazy?
I didn't know, Tommy! I swear, I didn't know!
Waffles, come on!
- Oh, damn! - Attention.
This is the New York Police Department. We have you surrounded.
Come on, Charlie, hurry up!
Waffles! She's frozen with fear!
- Get over there! Move! - I repeat.
Come on, Louis, come on! What is wrong with you?
It's not my fault! Waffles is upset!
Perhaps you should've thought of that before you took your dog on a crime spree!
Come on, girl!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Dead end, Louis. Dead end.
No, it's not, Charlie. Look at this.
- Think I got a way out. - You don't even know where that goes. No!
We can do this.
You can stay here if you want. I'm going down that chute!
I love you, Mama!
- Not over here. - Where'd they go?
We lost them. Standing by for further instructions. Over.
Anything else you'd like me to help you with today?
No, that's pretty much it.
In what police are calling one of the largest seizures of stolen goods...
... in the history of New York City...
... thieves inexplicably led police to a treasure trove of stolen cars, furs, paintings...
Louis Booker, you degenerate moron.
Were these Medieval times and you a knight in shining armor...
...you would, I have no doubt, slay the maiden and save the dragon.
- Sal, if we could explain... - As for you, Charlie...
...after the tragic death of your father...
...I married your mother, promising her I would raise you as my own.
You chose not to take the Maggio name. I did not complain.
And when you wanted to go to beauty school...
...as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do...
...I did not snivel at your intentions, did I?
- No, Salvatore, you did not. In fact... - In fact...
...I bought a beauty parlor so you could sit on your lazy butt all day.
Four and a half million you cost me.
Were you anybody else, you'd be dead by now.
- Sal, we understand that you're upset. - It's not your fault.
A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse.
And you, Charlie, are that mouse.
Look at this.
He takes it.
Excuse me, Sal?
You said that he was a mouse, so that would be mouse blood, not chicken blood.
Go on, Sal, I'm here if you need me.
The salient point is...
...I must continue to live with my lovely wife and tears on her pillow are a plethora to me.
Anathema to me! You see what they got me doing?
- I can't even talk straight! - Take it easy.
...l'm giving you both another chance to redeem yourselves.
- Thank you, we won't disappoint you. - No, we won't.
Of that I'm sure.
Hey, kid. Go long.
Why don't you fill the boys in. A mission of absolution.
It's simple. You take this envelope to JFK Airport...
- No problem. ...where you catch a flight for Sydney.
Wow, that's... You know, Louis has got this thing...
Yeah, my mama got the gout and if I'm not home to rub her feet...
...her ankles swell up and she can't take her house shoes off.
- This really isn't much warning. - You need a warning?
- No. - Well, then...
From Sydney, you take the Old South Road due north to a place called Coober Pedy...
...where you meet a man named Mr. Smith.
You give this envelope to Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith is expecting you no later than noon, local time. You will not be late.
What's in here, man?
You will not look in that envelope under any circumstances, understood?
- I can't hear you... - Understood?
Should you run into any problems, you can reach Mr. Smith at this number.
Get out of here.
I can't believe that stuff happened. I'm wearing my lucky jacket.
Lucky jacket? You've worn that jacket for over 10 years...
...and luck has never even remotely come near you.
And then they're just gonna turn around and come right back again.
- It won't be so bad. - Yeah, why not?
We're canceling their return trip.
- Louis, how much time we got left? - Fourteen hours.
When is the food coming? I'm starving.
Don't even worry about that. I got you covered.
Are you, like, 4 years old?
If you're not hungry, I can put these back in my pocket.
Wait. I think I'll have this one.
What is that? And why is my mouth on fire?
That's the new Super Atomic Jaw Buster!
Are you trying to kill me?
There's nothing wrong with this! Stop acting like a baby!
All right, let me up.
- What for? - How many things could I have to do?
Hey, how are you doing?
Oh, my God!
- Someone's in here! - It's me, Charlie. Open up!
- What? - Check this out.
- You're not supposed to open this. - That's, like, 50 grand.
Oh, my God. Something doesn't smell right. Look at it!
I know, I'm looking!
I've never seen so much green in one little brown package!
And now it's in my hands!
It slipped out.
Here, help me scoop it up.
- This is one big load! - What a mess!
- I just want to roll around in it! - Hand me the rest of the pile.
- Can I hold it? - No! Dump it in the envelope.
- Maybe we should flush it. - We're not gonna flush it.
I'll put it in my pocket, leave this room, and take it to Australia.
If you're gonna do that, give it here. Let me kiss it for good luck.
You're not gonna kiss it! It's bad enough you touched it!
- Before you put it away, can I smell it? - Maybe later.
No, no, no.
It's not what it looks like.
G'day, mate! G'day.
Could you try not to draw the attention of the entire airport?
Why? What's wrong?
The law states we're only allowed to have $ 10,000.
We are carrying $50,000 of mob money.
If they find it, I'm anticipating consequences.
Like, perhaps, I don't know, let's say, prison?
You know what? It's my fault. I didn't keep the sentences short enough.
I heard you, Charlie, all right?
Now, if you're worried, give me the money. I'll walk it through.
Let me see, put my fate in your hands.
This is such an agonizing decision. No.
All right, then. Just remember...
...the key is to act like you don't have anything to hide, all right?
Watch the master.
How are you doing?
- Doing good. How are you? - I'm all right.
Hit it up top!
There we go. There we go.
They're my hairdressing scissors. They're my hairdressing scissors!
I can... I can explain about that money.
You will explain...
- Louis, I lost the money! - What?
I lost the money! Salvatore Maggio's money!
Hey, Charlie, calm down, all right?
The trick is not to look suspicious.
Make them watch this hand...
...instead of this one. - Oh, my God!
Had you going, didn't I?
- That is not funny, Louis! - Get in the car, baby!
- They didn't have a Cadillac? - This is the Cadillac of the Outback.
You know, Charlie, this mysterious Mr. Smith we're gonna meet?
- I don't think that's his real name. - Nothing escapes you, Louis.
What's eating you, man?
Don't tell me this is about that girl on the plane.
- No, it's more than that. - Coober Pedy! Right here!
I got it. Here we go. Here we go.
Let's face it, I'm never gonna find the right girl.
You gotta stop it with this "never" stuff.
Two days ago, we never thought we'd be in Australia, but we here!
- Come on, give me a beat. - Come on, play with the radio.
Come on, man! I want to play with you. Give me a beat, man!
- What the hell? - My God.
I killed a kangaroo.
I never saw it.
It's such a beautiful animal.
It's the national symbol of Australia...
...and I killed it. - Don't worry.
I read that the kangaroos are the rodents of the Outback. We cool!
- Shouldn't we bury it or something? - My uncle has one rule:
Whenever you hit something, keep on rolling. So let's roll.
I can't leave it there. I got to pull it off to the side.
You pulling by yourself, then.
God, I am so sorry, little buddy.
Charlie, don't move. Stay right there.
Louis, what are you doing? Louis?
You guys look so adorable.
- G'day, mate! - Stop that, Louis.
Hey, Charlie, hold on! Hold on, hold on.
You know who he looks like?
Jackie Legs from Canarsie with the goatee! Always wears sunglasses!
- What are you talking about? - Hold on. Look.
Okay, look at it. Right there. Look at that.
Jeez, that is Jackie Legs.
All right, Louis, enough. Help me here.
It's lucky jacket time.
Come on, Louis, have some respect. It's bad enough we ran him over.
Come on, just one picture for the Brooklyn crew.
All right, one.
- But let's make this quick. - Stay up there, big boy.
All right, come on, let's get this jacket off. We got things to do, Louis.
Hey, come on, Charlie. One more.
This could be our Christmas card.
- Louis. - What? What?
- We didn't hurt him after all. - It looked like we did.
You're a tough little guy, aren't you?
Hey, look how tall he is.
You all right, dog? Come on, come on!
I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial!
- You want to know the best part? - What?
Now I never have to see that stupid red jacket of yours again!
- Charlie! - What?
The kangaroo got the money.
What are you talking about?
I put the money in the jacket and the jacket on the kangaroo...
...and now he hopping away.
The kangaroo has the money?
The kangaroo has Salvatore Maggio's $50,000?
Who puts a jacket with 50,000 on a kangaroo?
A dead kangaroo! He was dead, Charlie!
You should have just let me drown, Louis, I mean it!
- I see you now, sucker! - Go, go, go! We got him! Go!
Look at that little fellow go, Charlie! Look at him go!
Here we come, baby! We gaining on him! Oh, my God.
Look at the fellow move, man.
I'm gonna pull up. Reach out and grab the money!
You want me to open the door and lean out of a speeding car!
Fine, Charlie! We'll just drive past him and hope he hops in the jeep!
- Here I go! - Okay.
- Here I go. - Lean out there, baby!
Get me closer. Get me closer!
- He's hopping like a rabbit! - Closer!
- Get me closer! - I'm trying to get closer!
- Come on! Get him, baby! - Closer, Louis!
- Get the money, Charlie! - Closer, Louis! I almost got it!
- I'm almost there! - Come on, Charlie! I can't hold on!
Get the money!
As it turns out, this is hard.
What are these things?
They're termite mounds! I read about them in the book!
Careful, you almost missed one!
- You mine now, sucker! - Yeah!
Go, go, go!
Stop, stop, stop!
I don't suppose you took the insurance?
My uncle always told me that was just a rip-off.
Don't worry, Charlie. We'll get the money back, all right?
It can't go far.
It's a continent, Louis. He can go very far.
I know it's a continent. I read the book.
You happen to read the chapter on not putting your jacket on a wild animal?
No, but I read one on how an aboriginal can kill a white man with a twig.
You wanna see that one?
The Old Alice Inn.
I'll buy you a beer and we'll catch the end of the Knicks game.
Two beers. Big beers.
I'm gonna call Mr. Smith, let him know there's been a slight delay.
- Slight delay? - Yeah.
But we're working on it, all right? Give me his number.
- Where's your phone? - Around near the dunnies.
- You guys have a Denny's? - No, the dunny.
The bog trough? The long drop?
- The thunder box? - You know what?
I'm just gonna look for it by the bathroom.
Now, there's a Yank that can drink.
Any Yank that can drink is all right with me.
G'day. My name is Blue.
- Charlie. - Nice to meet you, Chaza.
- Charlie. - That's what I said, Chaza.
We're only two hours late.
He should be a reasonable and understanding man.
- What? - Mr. Smith?
- Yeah, you might not know me, but... - Where are you bludgers?
I'm out here in the back of Bullamakanka up to me ears in heat stroke...
... waiting for you two Yanks.
Where's me package?
It's been temporarily misplaced.
I don't reckon you respect me very much.
First you steal my package and now you're on the phone...
... razzing me about it.
We didn't steal your package. I swear! We're gonna get it back!
You'd be a banger short of a barbie if you didn't, when I find you!
You better get ready to cough it up...
...otherwise, I'll chop you into snags and feed you to the crocs.
- Mr. Smith? - Have a nice day.
One of me favorites.
A kangaroo. A kangaroo. Kangaroo...
- Louis, this is Blue. Blue, this is Louis. - Hey, Blue.
- What'd Mr. Smith say? - He was nice.
- He said everything was cool. - Really?
He did say that we should do our best to get the package back.
- Right. The package. - The package!
Order me another drink. I got a plan.
This isn't my day.
You mind leaving a little for the camels?
And you're drinking water that comes from a stagnant pond.
I'm from Brooklyn. I've had a lot worse.
- My name is Louis. - Name's Jessie.
- Nice to meet you. - Wanna give me a hand?
No offense, but these are the ugliest rabbits I've ever seen.
They're called bilbies. They're almost extinct.
In fact, it's up to these guys to repopulate the entire Devil's Marbles area.
Somebody's gonna be having fun tonight!
That's the plan.
Looks like you'll need more bilbies, though.
Well, if the foundation I work for had more money...
You mean the Wildlife Foundation?
- You work here? - Yeah.
Thank you, Lord! This is great! I need some help.
I put my lucky jacket on the back of a dead kangaroo...
...who came to life and hopped off with my money.
- You do need help. - No, no, no, I'm for real.
Can you help me?
Do you have any idea where he is?
It seems to me you need an airplane. You need a tranquilizer gun...
You need a list.
Come on, come on, come on! He's got it!
Come here, man. Come here!
Give me one sec, guys.
You've gotta see this guy drink! He's unbelievable!
I figured out how to catch that kangaroo.
First we hit it with a car and now you want to blow its head off?
This is a tranquilizer dart. It works in three stages.
Stage one: Temporary blindness. Stage two: Partial paralysis.
And stage three: Complete shutdown of all motor skills.
- Totally humane. - Sounds humane.
I said it was temporary.
I walked to this wildlife office and this American girl that works there...
...and she is...
Her name is Jessie.
I told her the story and showed her a photo of the kangaroo.
You told her the kangaroo has $50,000?
I told her the kangaroo has $4000 and our passports.
She told me the best way to find a kangaroo is by air.
A number to a bush plane that we can hire.
- I like it. - Let's go call.
If I didn't know you better, I'd say this is a honey of a plan.
Excuse me, mates.
Gotta point Percy at the porcelain.
Gee, almost made it.
Pilot's personal number.
Do you have a backup plan?
I sure hope the two pots of coffee and the Red Bull we gave him were enough!
Hey, man! How're you doing up there?
Never better, mate! Why do you ask?
No reason. It's just that you were passed out an hour ago.
That's just me morning ritual, mate.
I couldn't help but notice that this is the Flying Dingo IV.
What happened to the I, II and III?
Now use the word in a sentence.
Amorphous: Having no definite form. Shapeless, as in:
"After Joey Clams got whacked, his head was amorphous."
That was excellent. Now let's move to the next level.
I think you should take this.
I'm aggrieved to hear that, Mr. Smith.
Of course we had a deal.
Please, advise me if this situation changes.
Those two mammalucco didn't show.
Our friend feels they pocketed the 50 G's.
Maybe they figured it out.
My stepson couldn't figure out a cheese sandwich...
...if they spotted him the pumpernickel and the provolone.
So, what do you want to do?
You possess a valid passport.
I can't see anything from up here.
Hey, do you think you can take us down a little lower?
Hang on to your knickers, we're going in!
A little lower! A little lower!
Look out for that tree!
Could you please not do that again? Thank you!
Hey, Charlie! Look to the left!
They're kangaroos, all right! A lot of kangaroos!
None with a red jacket. You think he could be someplace else?
- Look, look, it's Jackie Legs! - There he is!
- That's him, that's him! - I knew this would work!
- Blue, bring us around! - Yeah, right!
Get me there, Blue!
Get up right on his tail and stay with him no matter what!
Say hello to my little friend!
I got you now, Jackie Legs!
I'm gonna get you now.
You hit him?
I don't know. He's still hopping.
Maybe it takes time for it to take effect.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, my God.
- Mates? - Yes?
Got a bit of a wrinkle here. The old optics are on the fritz.
Stage one: Temporary blindness.
- Was that the engine?! - No.
That was me. For some reason, I can't move me arms.
Stage two: Partial paralysis!
Charlie, can you lean over and take the stick?
I can still work the foot pedals.
- Oh, God! - Take the stick firmly in hand and...
- Blue! - Stage three:
Total shutdown of motor skills!
English, Blue, English!
- Yeah. - You sure?
- Yeah. - Good.
'Cause I am gonna beat you soft!
- Like this is my fault? - First rule of aviation:
You never shoot the pilot!
Assume crash positions!
Blue, we already crashed.
Right. No worries, then.
Can I help you?
Think some friends of mine passed through here.
A couple of Yanks?
- Friends? - Yeah.
I promised the family back home I'd take care of them.
Come on, Blue, you got to do something, man.
Charlie, we gotta do something.
What can we do?
We have to hope Santa Claus over there can fix the radio or someone looks for us.
Actually, someone is looking for us.
- Louis! - He didn't say...
...what I said he said.
What did he say that you didn't say he said?
He thinks we stole his package, man, so he's coming after us.
He mentioned cutting us up into little bitty pieces and snacks for a crocodile.
Then the phone went out...
If Smith thinks we stole his money, then by now Sal thinks we stole it.
Sal's not gonna hurt us. He's married to your mother.
If Sal thinks we stole his money...
...he'll kill us in front of her, then make her clean it up.
All we have to do is find the money before Mr. Smith finds us...
...and everything is okay.
So what you're saying is that we should find the money.
- Yes. - How, Louis? How?
How are we gonna catch a kangaroo on foot?
You ever heard of Devil's Marbles?
Due east. Bit of a walk, though.
Why, what's there?
The lady I told you about at the wildlife office.
- The epileptic? - Yes.
She works with animals and I bet she can help us catch Jackie Legs.
- Please! - Charlie.
It's better than being cut up into little bitty pieces, man.
Not if you go first and I get to watch.
Look out, you blokes go ahead. I'll fix the radio, be right with you.
- Which way is east, man? - That way.
- Let's go, man. - No, no, wait there.
I'm worried about Waffles.
Do you think she'll be okay with Sal?
As long as she doesn't dig up any bodies in the back yard...
...she should be just fine. - Good.
How far did Blue say this place was?
He didn't. He just said it was due east.
So is Brooklyn.
- You're the guide? - Yes, sir.
My name Mr. Jimmy. First-rate, expert Outback guide.
You'll be most happy with me.
Great freaking start.
Hey, listen, you know where we can get some guns around here?
No worries. You boys hunters?
I think I just sweated out a bottle of Yoo-Hoo I drank in the eighth grade.
Be cool. Dingoes.
Hey, that one kind of looks like Waffles.
Yeah, if Waffles had a crazed look in his eyes and his face caked in blood.
Why are they staring at me like that?
Because I'm a green leaf salad and you're the all-you-can-eat buffet.
You gotta help me out, man. They gonna get me like they got that baby!
Feel that? Wind suddenly picked up.
It's like all of a sudden the air conditioner's fixed.
Charlie, where are the dingoes going?
I think something bad is about to happen here, Louis.
Hey, Charlie, look.
This feels good! I feel like I can fly.
- Louis! - I believe I can fly!
Louis, I wanna go back to Brooklyn!
Come in, Tansy, over.
Read you, over.
Boy, am I glad to hear you.
Listen, I've crashed me plane. Can you send some help?
Your location, over.
It's west of the Simpson and just south of King's Canyon.
You read me, Tansy?
Do you read me?
Must have been some kind of freak sand storm.
I think you need to eat.
Your blood sugar's getting low.
Stop it, Louis. Okay? Please, just stop it.
You know what I could really go for right about now?
Some Roscoe's chicken and waffles...
...with a side of grits and a side of gravy.
I'm not listening to you.
Or better yet...
...one of those iced mocha-schmoca things from Starbucks.
They're so cold and creamy.
Can you believe this?
Can you believe our luck?
What are the chances?
It's a miracle!
Hey, Louis, what are you waiting for?
Come on, hop in.
- They got Slurpees. - Oh, Charlie.
It seemed so real.
That's why they call it a mirage.
At least you got to have fun for a few minutes.
Yeah, because my brain is frying, and I'm losing contact with reality.
You don't understand this because this is how you usually function.
- That was uncalled for, Charlie. - Was it?
Every decision you make, Louis, is a disaster.
That's right, Charlie, just blame me.
That way you relieve yourself of all responsibility.
But let me tell you something...
...it's easier to mock than to do, and you do nothing.
You just complain and whine like a woman.
You want to see me do something?
Bring it on, queen of the desert.
Louis. Louis, wait a second.
I'm having another one of those mirages.
And this one's a beauty.
Louis, please. Let me just enjoy this.
How you doing?
- Good. You? - Good.
Louis, they feel so real.
- It's you. - Yeah, it's me.
Love the jacket, Charlie.
It's hard to get something that fits my shoulders. Nice!
How'd you know red was my favorite color?
You can talk!
And I can sing.
This is great.
Jackie? Mr. Legs?
If you could find your way clear to give me back my money...
Oh, you mean that money!
Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please!
If Sal finds out...
If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
- Sal? - I ask you to do something for me.
This is not that!
- It wasn't my fault, it was Louis. - Say what? My fault?
That's how you pay me back after I saved your life?
- Louis? - Next time you're drowning in the ocean...
...call Free Willy! Let Willy set you free!
You know what, Sal? You were right about him.
- Chicken blood! - Smell it on his father.
- Smell it on him. - Chicken blood.
- Chicken blood! - Chicken blood!
It'll bring down the swelling.
Unfortunately, it'll also make your testicles fall off.
It won't bring down the swelling.
About bloody time.
- Where are they? - Piss off!
Fifteen years Special Air Services, behind the line!
I'm down and out, mate. I forgot more than you ever learned.
You'll get nothing from me!
Took off on foot, about ten hours ago.
See, that wasn't so difficult.
- Very funny. - Can't be too careful.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I didn't think they were real.
Oh, no! I mean, I thought they were real...
Relax, I know what you mean. Louis explained.
Listen, Louis and I have a little problem...
And I already told him, I can't help you find your roo.
I've got to get back to Alice Springs. Sorry.
- What? - Look...
...Louis told me you need some money to repopulate the earth with your rabbits.
How about this, we give you $2000...
...you help us get our stuff back.
- Two thousand dollars? - Strictly business, no strings attached.
- What do you say? We got a deal? - Deal.
Great. Hustle makes it happen.
- Let's get moving. - Now?
You see, our passports are just about to expire...
Nine of the ten most poisonous snakes in the world live in Australia.
And they all come out at night.
How do you feel about a morning start?
Doesn't get any better than this, Louis. Blue skies, fresh air!
And who even knew there were camels in Australia?
These are noble beasts, my friend. Proud, majestic...
Get used to it, boys. Camels do that.
I don't want to seem nosy, but do you have some sort of plan here?
There hasn't been rain for weeks, right?
- Oh, God. - Come on!
When the water dries up in the basins, the kangaroos head for the rivers.
So that means we have two choices, the Finke River or the Todd.
Since the Finke is 200 hundred miles away, I'm leaning toward the Todd.
- Alrighty, then, to the Todd. - To the Todd.
To the Todd!
Louis, what are you eating? I picked a bunch of berries at camp.
Jessie said they were cool.
They smell just like a bowl of Fruity Pebbles right before you add the milk.
- Go on, take a whiff. - No, thank you.
- Give me some of those berries real quick! - Go on, take some.
Man, these do smell pretty good.
Chicks in New York, they'd pay big money to smell like that.
They're called snakeskin lily berries. Tut!
Impressive. How long you been in Australia?
I moved here with a friend from Milwaukee three years ago for a semester...
...and never went back. - Milwaukee!
You know, I once had a...
What is with these camels?
That one was me.
I swear to God we passed that same bush two hours ago. What is going on?
- Well, it says here... - What, again with the map?
Why don't you sit on your head, try thinking with your butt.
Hey, Frankie, look!
Maybe this hump can tell us where we are.
How are you doing?
Got tranqued, crashed me plane, rescue party knocked me out and left me to die.
All because of a bloody boomer.
We're looking for Alice Springs.
Heading straight for it, mate. What about a lift?
- Why not? Get in. - Beauty.
So what do you think?
No wonder the kangaroos come here.
This looks like a good spot.
If there's a kangaroo within 500 miles, he'll show up here eventually.
So when our guy shows up, how are we gonna catch him?
You know what? I've been thinking about that.
Have you ever thrown a bolo?
Yo, what's a boomer?
- What? - A boomer!
Oh, a kangaroo.
It was two of your blokes. Americans.
They were chasing after this kangaroo in a red shiny jacket.
Don't that dork, Louis Booker, always wear a shiny red jacket?
Never should have left the pub.
Is this an Olympic event? Because I am bolo man!
I am bolo man!
- Bingo! - Dingo? Where?
No, bingo. Look.
- Nice call, Jessie. - So, that's Jackie Legs.
Kangaroo Jack in the flesh.
Can't get near him like that. He'll take off running.
So, what do we do?
We have to disguise ourselves.
Get rid of our human scent.
And how are we going to do that?
We need to get a little closer.
Now, the only time we move is when he's feeding.
This is very important. Don't make any sudden movements or sounds.
- Okay. - Got it.
There he goes.
What is your problem?
- I got ants crawling up my leg! - Just ignore them!
- I thought she said no sudden movements! - Boys. Boys!
- We're close enough. Spread out. - Charlie.
They're having a picnic in my shorts. And I brought the sweets!
- Louis, just keep it together! - Okay!
Keep it together, Louis!
Keep it together.
I can't take it no more!
Get off! Get off me! Get off me! I'm gonna roll in the grass!
This is great! This is just great! Now what are we gonna do?
Well, there's no more we can do today. We'll just have to wait.
- I have an idea where they'll be tomorrow. - Tomorrow?
No. This has gotta happen today.
We'll pitch camp here. I'll get the firewood.
Hey, sorry about that, man. I was under attack.
That's all right. Look at her. She thinks she's so much smarter than us.
I'm pretty sure she is, Charlie.
Let me ask you something, Mr. Jimmy.
Where do I go if I'm looking for a missing kangaroo?
The sky is dry for many months.
- Wind is quiet from the... - Kangaroos, Jim! Where are they?
The best bet is right here. Owen Springs.
What are you doing?
Jessie! I was going to take a bath.
- Yes! - No.
Look, I'm hot, I'm filthy and I wanna take a bath.
You can stay, you can go, it makes no difference to me.
- Well, I'm not leaving. I was here first. - Suit yourself.
Hey, what are looking at?
- Well, you looked first. - Yeah, I looked.
So, I looked too, all right?
Come near me, I'll kill you.
You have absolutely no effect on me.
- You think you do. - Just stating the obvious.
You are so not my type! You could kiss me and it wouldn't make the slightest...
...difference. - Nothing?
Well, I hate break it to you, honey, but that kiss did absolutely nothing for me, either.
I'm not surprised, if that's the best you can kiss.
You want to see the best I can kiss?
As a matter of fact, I...
Same here. Nothing.
All right, I'll admit it.
This is the most sensual romantic moment of my entire life.
And now it's over.
...I think it's time to get up.
What's going on?
- We're in a little bit of trouble. - A little?
I've been following camel tracks all bloody morning, so let's make short work of this.
Where's me moolah?
For God's sakes! All this over $4000?
It's more, isn't it?
How much more?
And every cent of it is mine.
Now, there are two ways of doing this.
And one of them is a lot less painful than the other.
Where's the money?
See, what happened was...
...we was driving and we hit this kangaroo.
- I was wearing my lucky jacket... - Wrong answer.
Your mate, Blue, told us that yarn about the boomer.
I hope for your sake you were stupid enough to hide that money in them saddle bags.
- You gotta believe us. - No. You gotta believe me.
If it ain't there, I'm gonna carve you up piece by piece.
- It's safe to assume you're not on vacation. - No.
Charlie's stepfather is a mobster and he sent us here to deliver a package.
- And you got me into the middle of this? - Sorry. I never thought this would happen.
And you lied to me.
What do you know!
Bad news, fellas, you were telling the truth.
Who wants to go first?
We can find your money. If you kill us now, you'll never get it.
- I'm listening. - I know a feeding ground near Owen Springs.
A eucalyptus grove a few kilometers from here. That's where they'll be.
I'll take the sheila and ride ahead.
I didn't do it for you.
Once we're out of sight, I want you to take our friends out to Kings Canyon.
You know what to do with them. But don't go berko. Make it look natural.
Two Yanks tragically karking it in the unapologetic Outback.
We're going in the wrong direction.
- They're gonna kill us. - God knows what they'll do to Jessie.
I should have stopped this 20 years ago.
What are you talking about?
First time Sal came to my mother's house, I knew he was no good.
But he bought me this first baseman's mitt, that Don Mattingly model.
That was a great mitt. I still feel bad about losing it.
When he left, my mom asked me what I thought of him.
And I said, "I like him."
I should have stood up to him and thrown him out of my house.
Charlie, you were 10.
Sal was right, Louis. I got chicken blood.
I had it my whole life.
But that stops right now.
Louis, reach into my pants.
Don't do this. Go out like a man. Look, we all have urges.
I remember this one time, there was this well-built Latino...
My scissors! Reach into my pants and get my scissors.
- Are you ready to go? - You bet.
You think you can distract them?
You mean, make them watch this hand instead of this one?
Piece of cake.
Get your hands up and turn slowly!
I'm warning you!
In 1983, I was the starting pitcher in the Little League World Series.
I struck out 16 Taiwanese All-Stars!
To this day, the people of Asia call me Sun Luc Dong...
...which means big black man pretending to be 12!
My name's Carbone, which means skinny white boy with a gun.
Good work, Sun Luc Dong.
You said they'd be here.
You're trying to pull a swifty and I don't much like that.
There's also an area further along.
I'm tired of your howling.
What in bloody...?
Change of plans, Smith.
Come on, you two. Let's go. Let's go, come on.
Jessie, come here.
- Easy, darling. - Drop the knife, Smith.
You ever held a gun before, Charlie?
Don't answer that.
You ever killed a man, Charlie?
Don't answer that.
What do you do for a living that makes you so brave, Charlie?
Really don't answer that.
I'm a hairdresser. Now, drop the knife.
Come here, Jessie.
Yeah! We bad.
If you think you're off the hook because you came back for me...
Never crossed my mind.
You better hope that's someone coming to rescue you.
- What are you doing here? - Sal heard you were having trouble...
...so he sent us to help you out.
- Who the hell are you? - Frank Lombardo.
I represent the interests of Salvatore Maggio.
- You must be Smith. - You're not wrong.
- What's going on here? - These guys were trying to kill us.
Looks like we got here just in time.
You did good, kid.
Now, put that gun down before you hurt yourself, all right?
I never thought I'd be happy to see you.
Frankie, this is Jessie. Jessie, this is Frankie.
- Hi. - You see...
...Louis and I, we fell a little behind schedule...
And Jessie came along and helped us get back on schedule again.
And so, you know... Uh-oh.
I know all about it, Charlie.
So you know about Jackie Legs?
From Canarsie? He's involved in this?
No, you guys are so sneaky and clever, I didn't know.
Hurricanes leave smaller trails than you two morons.
Sal is very disappointed to hear you lost that money.
We'll get the money back.
It's too late for that. This time you screwed up big. Final straw big.
Enough of the claptrap. That money is mine.
Zip the lip, Dundee.
We had a contract and it didn't involve no bloody roo.
I had to come all the way down here to the sphincter of the galaxy...
...to straighten out this puked-up fur ball of a mess.
- Do not agitate me. - We had a contract!
Do not agitate me!
Let's get out of here.
Jessie, get as far away from here as you can.
They're not after you.
Louis, we gotta get the money.
We drive the roo into the canyon, we can corner him there.
- We? - We did have a deal.
Get in the car!
- There he goes! - Turn him into the canyon!
We got them!
Shoot at them, you idiot!
I could've stayed in Brooklyn for this!
Come on, baby!
I hate this country like a sickness!
Not me! Them!
- Get the dumb thing out of my face! - I got it!
Watch your head!
- Watch out! - For what?
- Louis, he's coming to you! - Go get him, big guy!
I'm gonna get that money, Charlie! I'm going for the money!
Oh, my God!
- Louis! - Watch out!
Stay still, Jackie Legs!
Yeah, I got it! I got it!
- I got the money! - Louis!
I'm slipping, Charlie!
Louis, grab my hand.
- Charlie! - Hold on, Louis!
Give me your belt!
You'll be all right!
Grab that rope. Grab that rope!
Grab the belt, Louis.
I can't reach it, Charlie!
Grab the damn belt!
It's now or never, Louis!
- Pull me up! - Louis.
You have really got to cut back on the pie!
Don't you let me go, Charlie!
Don't you let me go!
Go, go, go! Up, up!
Pull, Jessie. A little more!
Come on, Louis! Jessie, a little more!
Charlie! I'm slipping!
I'm gonna name my first son after you.
"Crazy-Ass White Boy."
Let go of me!
Let go of me!
This is from Sal Maggio.
Frankie, we got the money back. We got it back!
We got it!
You don't get it, do you, Charlie?
Sal's not disappointed because he cares about the money.
He's disappointed because you two aren't dead!
What do you think he was paying Smith 50 grand for?
We traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Yeah, you two guys were the bagmen for your own hit.
Not on our part.
Say good night.
This is Senior Sergeant Jimmy Inkamala, Australian Police.
- Mr. Jimmy? - Drop your weapon and...
Hey, Frankie! Go long!
- I am bolo man. - That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, Mr. Smith was one of our most notorious contract killers.
We got a tip from the FBI that he was involved with the Maggio family.
Yeah, and when Frankie Lombardo called looking for a guide, I was waiting.
I'm just glad I made it in time.
You pansy-ass retards are dead! You hear me? Dead!
I'll slaughter you like veal! I'll wear your eyeballs like jewelry!
I've always found the Brooklyn vernacular fascinating.
Quite colorful, really.
Hey, Frankie? Can I have your Yankees tickets?
There you are! They were full.
They're radioing Alice Springs to send another chopper for us.
What's up, man?
Something really important happened here today.
You saved my life.
- Yeah, I know. So now we're even. - Exactly.
You don't owe me anymore. You're rid of me.
What are you talking about, I'm rid of you?
Come on, Charlie, guilt was the glue that held this friendship together.
- You never needed me. - You're wrong, Louis.
I've always needed you.
You know when you call me up, and you're, like:
"Yo, Charlie, you gotta help me drive some greyhounds up from Florida."
And I make out like I'm doing you this big favor?
Truth is, you're doing me the favor.
Every story in my life worth telling starts with the words Louis and I.
Come on, get away from me with that, man.
You think we're friends because you saved my life once?
You save my life every day, Louis.
Come on, man.
Can you hold on a second?
We're having a very intimate, non-gay moment.
Take a look.
- What are you doing? - Hello, Jackie Legs.
Here you go, boy. Here you go. Yeah.
That's a boy.
Good boy. Here you are.
Hey, there, little guy. Yeah.
There you go.
It's okay. It's okay. Let me just grab this.
There you are. Good boy.
There you go.
So long, Jackie Legs.
Hey, would you look at that?
- Louis, your lucky jacket. - I don't think so!
Hear me out. If you hadn't put the money in the jacket...
...and the jacket on the kangaroo...
...we would've delivered the money to Smith and he would've killed us.
Your lucky jacket.
Gimme my jacket! I told you. Didn't I tell you this was my lucky jacket?
Look, Louis, he's back.
And he's got a family.
Hey, you must be Jackie Junior. You're a cute little guy, aren't you?
Oh, my God! Are you all right?!
So, that's my story.
Well, not quite.
Frankie and his goons were put away for good.
As for Sal, he used all his high- level connections to avoid going to prison.
And you know what?
It wasn't enough.
Jessie? She ended up marrying some filthy- rich tycoon.
Yep, the filthy- rich dude, that's me.
Louis and I used the 50 grand as startup money.
And now Snakeskin Lily Berry Shampoo...
... is the biggest thing since Vidal Sassoon.
Got the latest numbers in from Europe. Think you'll like them.
I love numbers.
Hey, partner? I got the new numbers.
Look out below!
- Louis! - Just trying my newest idea:
Waterproof mousse! How do you like it?
So that's me, Charlie Carbone.
The one with the beautiful girl, all the money I could ever want...
... and my best friend Louis...
... who saved my life more times than he'll ever know.
Wait a minute!
The movie is called Kangaroo Jack! It should end with me!
I'm a serious, classically trained actor!
I can sing, I can dance and I can jump out of the way of explosions.
Yeah, no, that gonna leave a mark.
And I can do impersonations.
Come on, people. Throw me a freaking bone.
I have a son. I shall call him Mini-Roo.
Now, that should be the way you end a film. With the star.
Someone call my agent!
That's all, blokes!