King Of Comedy Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the King Of Comedy script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro movie also starring Jerry Lewis and Sandra Berhnard. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of King Of Comedy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

King Of Comedy Script



And now from New York...



with Jerry's guests-

Tony Randall...



Richard Dreyfuss,

Rodney Dangerfield...



Dr. Joyce Brothers,

Lou Brown and the orchestra...



and little ol' me-

Ed Herlihy.



And now say hello to Jerry!



- Whoo!

- Whoo!






Thank you. Good evening to you.

You look like a great audience.



Louie, how are you?

Lou Brown, ladies and gentlemen...



and the marvelous

Langford orchestra.



Group. Group.



Um... and, Ed,

how are you tonight?



- Very well.

- Wonderful. Sorry I woke you.



I shall adhere

to your request, sir.



OK. You want Jerry's autograph,

give me the books!



Have him write

something personal!



Give me the books!




Have him write

something personal.



Half an hour!

Half an hour! Goodbye!



- Come on!

- Ohhh!



It'll bejust on a card.



That's all I'm giving you.



I just don't feel like wasting my

time going in by myself to get it.



- Hiya, Rupert.

- Hello, Rupert.



- Hey, Rupert, who'd you get?

- Nobody.



I got Rodney Dangerfield, Richard

Harris. I'll trade them for Barbra.



Alan Alda, Robin Williams.

I'll give you anyone you want.



Sydney, I'm really not that

interested. It's not my whole life.



What's that mean? That's my

whole life, me and Sydney's?



That's not my whole life. That's not

my whole life. It's yours, but not mine.



Jerry! Jerry!




I love you!




Don't go, Jerry!



No! No! Jerry!






Would you stop shoving?



- Jerry!

- Would you stop pushing?



I'm not going to take-

Jerry! No! No!



I'm gonna love you



Like no one's loved you



Come rain or come shine



High as a mountain



Deep as a river



Come rain or come shine



I guess when you met me



Ohh ohh



It was just one of those things



Ohh ohh ohh






But don't ever bet me






'Cause I'm gonna be true



Well, if you let me



You gonna love me



Ohh ohh



Like nobody's loved me



Ohh ohh



Come rain or come shine






Happy together



Ohh ohh



Unhappy together



Wouldn't it be fine?



Days may be cloudy or sunny



We're in or we're out of the money






I'm with you always



I'm with you






Or shine















Jerry! Jerry!






Aah! Wait!



OK! Stand back!

Stand back! Please...



let Mr. Langford get some air!



Just stand back!

Come on, Jerry!



Did you get my message?

Did you get my message?



All right, now...



Jerry! Jerry! Aah!



Hey, Jerry.



- Jerry!

- Aah! Aah!



Come on, people!



Jerry, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to disturb you.



- I just want a minute to ask your advice.

- Not now.



If we could just drive away...



You could drop me

off anywhere.



We could talk

while we're driving.



I don't do this.



I don't mean to be rude...



but I did put myself

on the line for you.



Drive, Harvey.



Jerry! Jerry!



Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!



I love you, Jerry!

I love you!









- Is that your initials?

- Yeah.



I just want to tell you.

My name's Rupert Pupkin.



I know the name

means nothing to you...



but it means an awful

lot to me, and...



- believe-

- Calm down. Take your time.



I'm a little nervous.

You might've wondered who I am.



I've been outside your show

many, many times.



I'm in communications

right now...



but the point

I'm trying to make is...



by nature,

I'm a comedian, you know?



I know what you're going to say.

"Oh, not another one!"



But believe me,

I'm very good. I'm dynamite.



I wouldn't take

one minute of your time...



if I wasn't absolutely convinced

that I'm dynamite.



You're wondering,

"If he's so good...



why hasn't he caught

my act somewhere?" Right?



Good question.

I'll tell you why. You know why?



Up to now, I've been biding

my time slowly and carefully...



so that when my big break

finally came...



like the nightJack Parr got sick?

Your big break?



That night convinced me

that I wanted to be a comedian.



I walked out of that show

like I was in a dream.



After that,

I started catching...



all your guest appearances

on Sullivan.



I studied everything

you ever did...



the way you built to your

one-liners, nice and relaxed...



how you deliver jokes without

leaning too much on them...



how you didn't say, "Hey, folks,

here's the punch line!"



You know, Jerry?

You know what I'm talking about?



You don't say,

"Folks, here's the punch line!"



You just do the punch line.



Exactly. That's what

I loved about what you did.



What I'm trying to say is,

now I'm ready.



I'm ready, and-

I finished the course.



And I'm thinking

as I'm sitting here now...



"Maybe this is my big break,

my big chance."



Know what I mean?



What do you think?



- Look, what's your name?

- My name's Rupert Pupkin.



All right. Look, pal, got to tell

you, this is a crazy business...



but it's not unlike any other

business. There are ground rules.






And you don't just walk onto a

network show without experience.



Now, I know it's

an old hackneyed expression...



but it's the truth-

you've got to start at the bottom.



- I'm at the bottom.

- That's a perfect place to start.



I know, but I'm not-

there's got to be...



It looks so simple

to the viewer at home...



those things that come

so easily that are so relaxed...



and look like it's a matter

of just taking another breath.



It takes years

and years and years...



of honing that and working it.



I don't mean to interrupt you...



but there's a little problem.

I'm    years old.



That's why I'm asking

you to just listen...



To listen to my act and tell me

what you think about it.



Why don't you

call my office...



All right, OK I could?



You ask for Cathy Long.

She's my secretary.



And we'll make time to listen

to what you're talking about.



You don't know

how many times...



I've had this conversation

in my head. This is beautiful.



- Did it always end this way?

- Yeah, it did.



I really believe this.



Once you get over the initial

shyness, you'll be OK



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



Hope it works

out for you, Rupert.



Thanks, Jerry.

Thanks a lot.



It's a pleasure

meeting you, Jerry.



Jerry. I'm a little short on cash...



but if you don't

mind just appetizers...



I'd love to take you

to dinner sometime.



I don't know my schedule.

Maybe we can.



OK. Thanks, Jerry.




Jerry. Let me show you

a picture of my pride and joy.



That's good.



- Good, huh?

- Yeah, it is.



Hey, Jerry, take it.



Take it.

Go ahead, take it.



Consider it a gift.

It'll work for you.



I will.



Not that you need the help.





You ever want lunch-my treat.



Call my office.






OK. Jerry, you're a prince!



Hey, Rupe,

before I forget...



I really appreciate you

meeting me for lunch.



I know how busy you are

and how tired you are.



What are friends for, Jerry?



Talking about schedule,

you're the one who looks tired.



Yeah, I know.

It's the show.



The pressure, the ratings.



The same guests,

the same questions.



I'm just not

enjoying it anymore.



That's... the worst.



Listen, I... I really wish you

would think about it again.



Wait a minute.

You-you're starting again.



You're starting up again.



It's not that big a deal to think.



I'm asking you to think.



I'm thinking.

All I do is think day and night.



How can I not think about it?

We're here at lunch together...



which I knew is why

you invited me...



and I'm here eating

to get guilty with you, right?



I'm asking you to take

over the show for six weeks.



What's six weeks?



I'll give you anything,

but don't ask me to do six weeks.



I can't take over

the show for six weeks.



I can't even take over

my own life for six weeks.



You're asking for something

that's impossible! It's impossible!



- Rupert!

- Don't you understand...






What are you doing

down there so late?



It's impossible!

I'm trying to tell you that.



What, you want me to cry?



There must be a way to work it out.

It's just six weeks.



Excuse me. Um, Mr. Pupkin?

You think you could...



Yeah. Sure.

What's your name, dear?



- Dolores.

- Dolores? That was my father's name.



"To Dolores...



who sensed greatness."



There you go, sweetheart.



- Thanks, Mr. Pupkin.

- Don't mention it.




Rupert, who you talking to?



- Mom!

- What is it?



Please stop calling me!



It's terrific.

It's great.



There's only one problem, though.



He made-he made

you bigger.



Would you answer me?



All right!

You've got the six weeks!



Don't bother me!

I'll give you the six weeks!



What can I say?

You happy now?



You're a tough man, Rupe.



You got to be in this business.



Ha ha ha ha!



Ha ha ha ha ha!






Hello. It's Masha, Jerry.



- Who?

- Did you get my note?



Who's this?




Didn't you get the note?



I left it on the back seat...



before they dragged me

out of the car.



You know, those guys

really hurt me, Jerry.



How did you get this number?



Don't be angry with me, Jerry.



How did you get this number?



I don't know what else to do.

I've been calling your...



How've you been, Rita?



- Do I know you?

- I think you might.






- Rupert Pupkin, right?

- Right.



I brought you a little present.



Oh, yeah. I remember.



- Mr. Romance.

- Heh.



Put an aspirin in that.

It'll last longer.



So what are you

up to these days?



You're looking

as beautiful as ever, Rita.



Well, here I am.

Local cheerleader makes good.



You know...



it's funny, but I... I, uh...



- I voted for you "most beautiful".

- Did you? That's sweet.



I didn't have the nerve

to tell you then, but...



Yeah, now you can tell me.

It's OK We're both adults.



Isn't that funny?

You know, when you're younger...



you're afraid to say those things,

but when you get older...



you can say those things that you

should've said       years ago.



Isn't that the final irony of life?



Isn't it?



I guess.



Are you happy

in this place, Rita?



- Why? You got something better?

- Maybe.



Oh, really? Like what?



Well... what are you

doing tonight?



What am I doing tonight?



- Ha ha!

- Yeah. What's so funny?



Isn't it just a little late

asking me for a date after    years?



Ha ha ha ha!

Really? Ha ha! Well...




Can I have a fresh one?



- Rita.

- Hmm?



Who is your favorite

movie star?



What is this,

some kind of a game?



You going to tell me

something about my character...



- my future?

- You'll see. Tell me.



Everybody has

a favorite movie star.



I better think of somebody, or we'll

never get out of here, right?



That's a little test.



Oh, let's see.

Marilyn Monroe.






"Talent Register", huh?



That's her name.



She signed this in New York...



during her publicity tour

for The Misfits.



- That was her last movie, you know.

- Yeah.



She wasn't a great actress...



but she did have

a real gift for comedy.



You know,

she died tragically alone...



like many of the world's

most beautiful women.



I don't want to see

that happening to you.



- Who's this?

- Burt Reynolds.



- This?

- Mel Brooks. He's what you call "on funny".



Others are just regular.



Oh, that's Sid Caesar.

He's remarkable.



I really like him.

He's great.



Woody Allen. Nice guy.

Personal friend of mine.



Of course he is.



Ha ha! No, he is.



Oh, that's Ernie Kovacs.



He was wonderful. He was a...

great comedian, great innovator.



That was a great, great loss.



I bet some of these

are worth money.



Oh, yeah.

Especially this one. Just hold it.



- Who's this?

- Well, just take a guess.



- Huh. Looks like "retard".

- Ha ha!



The more scribbled the name,

the bigger the fame.



That might be true,

Rupert, but who is it?



"R" is the first letter.



Come on, Rupert,

who is it? I'm tired.



I'll give you a little hint.



- Oooo-

- Robert Redford.



Ha ha. No.

Ha ha ha ha.



No, no.

That's "Rupert Pupkin".



Rupert Pupkin.



I surprised you, didn't I?



Take this as a gift.



Take good care of that.

Soon everyone's going to want one.



Rupert, you have not changed.



Just a couple of hours ago,

you know who I was talking to?



- Guess!

- Your shrink?



Ha ha!

That's very funny.



No. Jerry Langford.

That's right. The Jerry Langford.



He gave me the go-ahead, Rita.

Would you believe it?



And you know what?

Don't tell anyone yet...



but you're looking

at the new king of comedy.



- Ha ha ha ha.

- Why not me?



Why not? A guy can get

anything he wants...



as long as he pays the price.



What's so funny about that?

I mean, crazier things have happened.



You don't understand

what a shot on Langford means.



That's coast-to-coast national TV,

a bigger audience...



than the greatest comedians

used to play to in a whole lifetime.



A shot at a free ticket on the

comedy circuit. My own comedy show...



The Rupert Pupkin Show.




And all that leads

in one direction, Rita-Hollywood.



A beach house in Malibu

on the ocean.



And we'll keep a suite

at the Sherry.



Everybody stays there

when they make it big.



Up top so we can shout down,

"Hey, tough luck, suckers.



Better luck next time."

Come on. What do you say?



It sounds wonderful, Rupert.

I wish you the best of luck.



But it's getting late,

and I'm a working girl.



- I got to go home.

- I-I don't get you!



Here I am,

offering you a way out.



Rita. Every king

needs a queen.



I want you to be mine.



This is a nice street.

Nice building.



- Thanks for your jacket, Rupert.

- Oh.



I guess you're entitled to come up

and have some coffee.



I wouldn't want

to impose, really.



- I know I can-

- What do you want?






- What do you want?

- What do I want?



Rita, you still don't understand?



I love you. I want to

help change your life...



if you'll just

give me a chance.



What if I set something up

between me, you, and Jerry?



What if we went out

to dinner one night?



You know what's even better?



A summer house for a weekend.



He wouldn't want to meet me.



That's not true.



Jerry is a very nice guy.



He's a very, very nice guy...



and we had

a terrific meeting.



And you shouldn't

sell yourself short.



You have too little faith,

and you're a wonderful person.



Why don't you go to sleep

and get a good night's rest?









- Good night.

- Good night.



Go to sleep right away.



I'll tell you, boy.



Hiya, Liza.

Good seeing you.



Jerola. Good seeing you.

Jerry. Don't get up.



Ahh, boy, I'll tell ya...



every time you come back

from a tour...



something must be in the air.

The tour really becomes you.



It's like you become rejuvenated.

I don't know what it is.



Isn't that so, everybody?



Isn't that so?

Hey, hey, there.



Well, that is amazing.

It's amazing. You look wonderful.



And I know.

You look wonderful, too, Jerry.



I wasn't leaving you out.



Bro? Yeah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!



Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!



Oh, Jerry!

I love this guy!



Always coming up

with these great lines.



I love 'em. I love 'em.

You're wonderful.



I don't know what

I'd do without you.



Rupert! The bus is here!

It's early!



Try to be on time for once!



I can't believe this.



I got to go.

I got to catch a bus.




Take care of yourself.



Baby, be good.

Good luck in Rio.



Good morning, Rupert.



- Good morning.

- How are you?



- This is for you.

- Work.



- What time is it?

- It's   :  .



  :  ? Could I use the phone

for one second?



Is it local?



Sure. Just dial   first.

Make it short.



Hello. Jerry Langford, please.



Rupert Pupkin.



Thank you.



Yes. Uh, is Jerry there, please?



Rupert Pupkin. Yes.



Just tell him

it's Rupert calling.



He'll know what it's about.



Oh. Oh, he is?



Well, that's OK

I'm in a meeting myself.



Um, just tell him I called, OK?

Thank you very much.



And I'll call later.

Thanks. Bye.



Is that the Jerry Langford?



I'll see you, Roberta.



Yeah. Bye.



Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

Rupert Pupkin.



Yes. Rupert Pupkin calling

Jerry Langford, please.



Which? The first name

or the second name?



P- u-p-k-i-n.



It's often mispronounced

and misspelled...



so that's why-yes.



Yes, Jerry knows I'm calling.



He knows what it's about.



Oh, sure. Sure.



I see. I see.



I see.

Yes,you can call me.



I'll be here for

the next hour and a half.



I'm at my office,

and the number is J L -    .



Yo. Come on, man.



If you don't mind...



I am waiting

for a phone call.



It will only take a few minutes.



All of these phones don't work.



I am not making a phone call.



I am expecting a phone call.



I'll show you how

to make a phone call.



Wait. Let me just slide

in here and make a call.



Let me just make a call!



Uh, it's important.



This phone don't work either.



Don't do that!

Don't do that!



Hold on a second.

Yes, sir?



Yes. Jerry Langford, please.



Your name, please?



Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.






Pupkin. P-u-p-k-i-n.



People often misspell it

and mispronounce it.



There's a man here by the name

of Rupert Pumpkin.



He wants to see

Mr. Langford.



I'm sorry, Mr. Pumpkin...



but Mr. Langford's secretary has

no record of your appointment.



Pardon me?



We have no record

of your appointment.



I don't have an official

appointment with Jerry...



but he did ask me

to call him personally.



I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd just stop up.



I had trouble calling

for some reason.



The lines seemed to be busy.



He has no appointment.



Mr. Langford's secretary

wants to know...



what this is in reference to.



Mr. Gangetti, go right in.



Hello? Yes. Jerry and I...



discussed my being

on the show last night.



He told me to call. Yes.



Oh, sure. Sure.



I'm supposed to wait.



Is that cork?



I don't know what it is.



Is it dripping on you?



No. I was looking

at the patterns.



You know,

cork is good for sound.



It's very quiet in here.






No. You've got an hour

before they come in.



No. He hasn't come back

from the meeting yet.



- Mr. Pipkin?

- Pupkin.



Sorry. I'm Cathy Long.

Can I help you?



- You are?

- I'm Bert Thomas' assistant.



He's our executive producer.



Sorry. I've already spoken

to Jerry directly...



about my being on the show.



He said to talk to him




What is it exactly that you do?



- I-standup comic.

- Where are you working at?



I'm just working

on new material.



As soon as you

start working again...



call, and we'll send someone down

to check out your act.



Thanks for stopping by.



Jerry and I went over

all this last night.



Does Jerry know your work?



Yes. I don't think he does.



You have a tape

I could listen you?



A tape? Oh, naturally.

Whatever you'd like. Sure.



Drop by a tape.



I will. I can see

why Jerry would need that.



Nice meeting you.



Nice meeting you, too.



This is really what's right.



This is great.



This is-

See you again.



Nice talking to you.




Rupert. Hey, Rupert!



We've got to talk.



What happened last night?

Did Jerry say anything?



- Nothing happened.

- Did he talk about me?



No. He talked about me.



He must have said

something about me.




What could he say...



after what you did

in the car last night?



You must be really loving this.



Yeah. You were schmucko

supremo last night.



I'm the schmuck? Me?

You're wrong, buddy!



If I hadn't gotten

in that car last night...



you wouldn't

have had the chance...



to talk to Jerry.

Keep that in mind.



Not to be cruel,

but we're near Jerry's building.



God forbid he

should see me with you...



because Jerry and I have a real

relationship, no fantasy world.



After what you did last night...



I don't want

to see you anymore.



Fine! If that's what you want!



Yes. That's what I want.



Just get it to him!



I'm not giving him anything.

No way, Jose.



You're so friendly.

You give it to him.



We're having

a communication problem.



That's what you call it?



You're always bragging about

how you broke bread with Jerry.



Give it to him.



Just do this for me!

I've done things for you!



What have you done for me?



What are you talking about?



How about Howard Johnson's?



I bought you food and coffee

night after night!



You're crazy.

You didn't get me anything.



- I bought my coffee.

- You never bought anything!



I did things for you

that no money can buy.



How about when

I gave you my spot?



I let you get

right next to Jerry!



I waited for eight hours.



You were crying because

you wanted next to Jerry.



You got next to him!



What about giving

you my last album...



of The Best of Jerry!



I didn't even

ask you for money...



and I can't even pay my rent!



I live in a hovel.

You live in a townhouse!



OK, you want to do that?

I got money for you!



I can't believe how long

I've hung out with you...



and listened to your tired,

stale, boring jokes.



- Here's $   . No! No!

- Be quiet.



Take this and give it to Jerry!



This is the last time.

This is the last time.



When will he get it?



Because you're a wacko.



I'll know if you don't!



I know where you

and Jerry are!



I cover the waterfront!

Remember that!



What are you looking at?

Beat it!



You scum!

You're street trash!



First of all, Miss Long...



thank you very much

for your help at the office...



and for passing this

onto Jerry.



I appreciate it

more than you know.



Jerry, before I begin...



thank you for listening

to this material...



and for the opportunity

you've given me.



Lots of people think

that people who've made it...



lose their feeling for struggling

young talent, such as myself.



Now I know from experience...



that those people

are just cynics...



embittered by their own failure.



I know, Jerry, that you are

as human as the rest of us...



if not more so.



There's no point

in going on about it.



You know how I feel,

so let's get on with the show...



The Best of Rupert Pupkin.



Jerry, I've sketched out

this little outline...



to save you time.



It's a little introduction.



So close your eyes,

imagine it's exactly  :  .



You're standing in the wings...



and we hear Lou Brown

and the orchestra...



strike up your theme song.



And now, from New York...



it's the Jerry Langford Show...



with Jerry's guests

Richard Pryor...



Ben Gazzara...



Elizabeth Ashley...



Carol Burnett...



and the comedy find

of the year...



making his television debut...



Rupert Pupkin,

the new king of comedy!



Rupert! Rupert!



- Are you crazy?

- Say hello...



What's wrong with you?



- People are sleeping!

- Aw, Mom!



Lower it!



What's the matter with you?






Take it easy.

Lower it.



I'm not going to lower it!



I have to do this now!



I don't mind you playing it...



but lower it!



Now, you come on, Jerry,

and you do your monologue.



Then when the time comes...



this is how

I see you introducing me.



You could say

something like this.



Will you please give

your warmest welcome...



to the newest king of comedy...



Rupert Pupkin!



Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.



My name is Rupert Pupkin.



I was born in Clifton,

New Jersey...



which is north of...



Is there anyone here from...



But the fact is...



Mr. Pipkin...



Pupkin. You'll get it

right one of these days.



How are you?



I'll bet you have a tape.



- Right here.

- OK Got your name on it?



We'll listen and get

it back to you soon.



Thanks. When Jerry

finds a moment. Good.



When will that be?



Uh... Actually,

you can try me tomorrow.



- Tomorrow?

- I might know something by then.



- Otherwise, Monday.

- Monday? Hmm.



What I might do

is just wait here awhile.



Maybe Jerry will find a minute.



You're really

just wasting your time.



We won't know anything

till tomorrow at the earliest.



I don't mind.

I'm not wasting my time.



I'm glad to do it.

It's important to me.



- It'll probably be Monday.

- Monday?






Well, I'll still wait.



Really, I don't mind.

It's OK



Tell you what.



Why don't you try me

tomorrow afternoon for sure?



- Tomorrow?

- Mm-hmm.



- What time?

-  :  .



 :  . I'll be here.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



- And thank Jerry. OK

- I will.









At least once in his life,

every man is a genius.



I'll tell you something, Rupe...



it will be more than once

in your life for you...



because you've got it.



From what I've heard here,

yeah, you've got it...



and you're stuck with it.



If you wanted to get rid of it,

you couldn't.



It's always going to be there.



I know there's

no formula for it.



I just don't know

how you do it...



and I'm not curious, mind you...



because I want to use

the material.



I'm curious because

I don't know how you do it.



I really have to ask you that.



How do you do it?



I think it's that

I look at my whole life...



and I see the awful things

in my life...



and turn it

into something funny.



It just happens...



but what about

the first few one-liners?



Were they strong enough?



If they were any stronger,

you'd hurt yourself.



They're marvelous,

you daffy bastard.



Leave them alone.

They're beautiful.



A man said-

Listen to me.



Listen to me.



A man said something

very profound some years ago...



which I later originated.



If it ain't broke,

don't fix it.



Want to know how

I know it's so good?



- Yes.

- 'Cause I envy you.



I hate you, but I envy you...



because it's purity, it's marvelous,

it's humor based on you.



No one else

could do it, but you.



I wouldn't lie.



I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.



This weekend is perfect for you

to come to the house, if you care to.



We'll hash it around...



only 'cause I want to know

how you do it.



There'll be people there,

but we can still work.



It sounds great.



- Terrific.

- I would really like to come.



Could I bring somebody?



Ayoung lady?



A very special young lady.



Of course.

I'd like to meet her.



Hey, Jerry, how you doing?



How are you?



You're looking good.



You should see me

in my white taffeta.



Ha ha ha!



You're doing some

great shows, Jerry.



Thanks a lot.



How about putting me

on your show?



I could have used you

last night.



Ha ha ha!



- Hey, Jerry!

- Hey, Jerry!



Come on down!



Hi, Jerry, how are you?



Hi, there.



Morris, you will not believe...



who's coming down here.



Jerry Langford, right?






Oh, Morris, please hold on.



Jerry, please sign

my magazine for me?



- Yeah.

- You're wonderful.



I've watched you

your entire career.



You're a joy to the world.



Please say something to my

nephew Morris on the phone.



He's in the hospital and...



I'm sorry. I'm late.



You should only get cancer!



I hope you get cancer!



Jerry, an autograph?



I can't. I'm late.



I can't believe

that kind of a person!



Yes, sir. Oh, hi.



Hi. How are you?



Not bad.



Good. Good. I'm fine.



Can I help you?



Yes. I'd like

to see Jerry, please.



You are...






Rupert Pupkin.



Mr. Potkin is here.



That's right. OK



She'll be with you

in a minute.



Who was that?



Miss Long.



Oh, well... I'd...



prefer to see Jerry.



Miss Long will take care of you.



OK I'll wait right here.



And as a surprise...



to Rupert being on the show

with us tonight...



we'd like to present

to you someone...



in a form that we've never

presented before, a mystery guest.



Please welcome

our mystery guest.



Let's hear it for him.




this is the mystery guest?



This is the mystery guest.



Let's see if I can place him.



I think I know.



Don't you remember me?



No, I don't.



I'm George Cap.



George Cap,

my high school principal.



You guessed it.



You used to fail me

all the time.



What do you have him on for?

He's an enemy.



Because you deserved it.



Oh, thank you.



I'm a justice of the peace now.



- I perform weddings.

- Do you?






Jerry, what are you doing?



I can't believe this.



Believe because

it's part of the surprise.



How would the audience...



like to see

the king of comedy...



marry his queen

right here on the show?



I don't know what to say!



Thanks a million, Jerry.



That's too much.

That's too much.



Dearly beloved...



when Rupert here

was a student...



at the Clifton high school...



none of us-myself...



his teachers...

his classmates...



dreamt that he would amount

to a hill ofbeans...



but we were wrong...



and you, Rupert,

you were right...



and that's why tonight...



before the entire nation...



we'd like to apologize

to you personally...



and to beg your forgiveness...



for-for all the things

we did to you...



and we'd like to

thank you personally...



all of us...



for the meaning

you've given our lives.



Please accept our warmest wishes,

Rita and Rupert...



for a long and successful

reign together.



We'll be back to marry them

right after this word.



- Mr. Pupkin.

- How are you today?



- I'm fine.

- Good. Good.



I want to thank you

for your tape.



We listened to it

with great interest.



We see a lot of good things...



in what you're doing.



We think you have

a very good potential.






Which is why

we're being honest.



You should be.



We just don't think

you're ready yet.



Don't think I'm ready?



Now you're not right for Jerry.



Right for Jerry. Mm-hmm.



Some of the material is good...



but some of the one-liners,

for instance...



are not very strong.



In other words,

you didn't like some of the jokes.



That's right.



I can take care of that.



Tell me the ones you dislike,

and no problem.



That's a great help.

This is great.



You have a good potential.



Your timing was excellent...



but you should keep

developing your act.



Test it

in a few live situations.



That would be very good for you.



There are clubs you can try.



When you start working

in one of those, call.



We'll send someone

to see you. Promise.






- You're welcome. Bye-bye.

- Thank you.



May I ask you a question?






Are you speaking for Jerry?



Yes, I am.



He has complete faith

in our judgment.



I'm sorry to have

to say this...



and don't take it personally...



but I don't have faith

in your judgment.



I'm sorry that

you feel that way...



but there's nothing

we can do about that.



I'm afraid I'll have to

disagree with you again.



Well, that's your privilege,

Mr. Pupkin.



Would you excuse me?



I have a great

many things to do.



Miss Long,

when will Jerry be back?



Mr. Langford won't be in

until very late this afternoon.



We mean what we say...



when we thank you

for coming...



and we mean it when we say...



you can call

when you start working.



All right? Goodbye.









Is there anyone else

you'd like to see?



No. That's all right.



I don't mind waiting.



Which reminds me about

the man who waited so long...



he forgot what

he was waiting for.



Well, would you mind

waiting outside, Mr. Pupnick?



This is a reception area

and not a waiting room.



I understand.



You asked him to leave?



Yeah, but he won't go.



- What's his name?

- Rupert Pumpkin.



- Hi.

- Hi.



I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security

for the Langford Organization.



Let's go outside and talk.



Is this your bag?



Yes. I'm waiting for Jerry.



- We'll discuss that outside.

- I know he's expecting me.



Listen, we'll talk

about that outside.



Please take your bag.



I'll explain company policy

to you on the way, OK?



I'm pretty sure

you understand...



that we have

certain rules here...



that are essential to the smooth

functioning of our operation, right?






Right. Good.

I can just say...



Just listen, please.



And that without these rules...



we really wouldn't be able

to function at our best.



You follow my point?



I get the point except...



Please, Mr. Puffer, please.



No. After you.



After you, sir, please.



If I could just say that Jerry's...



Just listen.



I checked with Miss Long.



You do not

have an appointment.



Now, company policy is that

only authorized personnel...



and those persons with official

business with our organization...



are permitted on our premises.



In other words, you want me

to leave the building?



Well, did you get it to him?






Did you get my letter to him?



He's not in there, OK?



Now that you're in with him,

you can't do me a favor?



Don't bother.

Just give me the letter.



- He wasn't there.

- I saw him go in.



- Who?

- Jerry.



He's up there.

Want to see him?



That's impossible, because

they assured me that he was out.



And you believed them?



You're so naive.

I would expect that from you.



You're so inexperienced.

You're such a chump.



He went up there just now?



Of course. Go back up.



Assert yourself a little bit.



He's up there right now.



Would you tell Jerry

I'm here to see him, please?



I'm sorry. He's not in.



I happen to know that he is.



I'm sorry. He's not in.



OK, you're putting your job

on the line, lady.






You, too.



Mr. Pupkin,

what are you doing here?



Mr. Pupkin.



Mr. Pupkin.



Shelly, get security

on the telephone.



There he goes.



Aah! Hold on, right.



Grab his other arm.

Hold on to him, right.



All right.

Right out the door.



Come on.



You wouldn't listen, eh?



Jerry, Jerry!



Nobody's going to help you.



You're going to have a lot

of explaining to do, Mr. Wirtz.



You had your warning, Krupkin.



My lawyer will be calling you.



Make sure

he gets my name right.



Say goodbye to our guest,

Miss Long.



Wait till Jerry hears about this.



Don't worry. I will mention

your name to Jerry.



Now listen good, because

if we see your face again...



I- I understand.



We're going to call the police.



Thank you.



Thank you very much. Ha ha.



- Terrific.

- Thank you.



I suppose you got

the letter to him.



No. I'll get it later.




You just got thrown out.



I didn't get thrown out

of the building.



Excuse me. I wasn't getting

thrown out of the building.



You're a constant embarrassment.



They walked me outside.

Just a moment.



You can't handle

the simplest thing.



I'll tell you something else.



I'm going to Jerry's for the weekend.

He invited me.



That's how much you know.



Do I look OK?



You look wonderful.



Does this look all right?



That, I'm not sure about...



but you look wonderful.



What do you mean?



What's wrong with it?



I don't think you need it.

That's all.



You don't think it looks nice?



No. It looks wonderful.






Hello. You must beJonno.






My name is Rupert Pupkin.

This is Rita Keene.



Let Jerry know

that we're here.



Mr. Langford ask you to come?



Oh, no. We just thought we'd

drop in uninvited for the weekend.



Oh, what a view.



The blue bag is mine.



But Mr. Langford's not here.



Where is he?

Out playing golf?






I hope he's finally

going to break    .






Perhaps better you come back.



We'll just wait.



But Mr. Langford's not here.



No. That's OK

We'll just wait.



It's OK

We don't mind waiting.



Is this lovely?



The table's only set for one.



How you like it?



I could live here.



Mr. Langford,

I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.



Uh, what's wrong?

Everything's wrong.



There a couple over here.



His name is,

uh, uh, Pumpkin.



Pumpkin, yes.

Do you know a name Pumpkin?



So, didn't you tell him

what time we'd be getting here?



We didn't have time

to iron out the details.



Yeah, but that butler

wasn't even expecting us.



Jerry has more important

things to think about...



than what he's going to

tell his houseboy.



Oh, really?

Well, excuse me.



He knows everything.



He knows you're playing golf

and everything.



He want to spend

a weekend over here.



Yes, and you better come back.



He's, uh,

he's touching everything.



He's ruining the house.



Hey, I'm getting

a heart attack already.



Here's a famous one...



with the youngest clown

in the world-Zippo.



Remember this one with

Ray Charles on Jerry's special?



- That's famous.

- I know.



Here's a famous one when

he was a kid,    years old.



Someone sent this in.



It was part of the show-

"I knew you when" section.



Someone sent that in as a joke.



Jerry shows it

to everyone on the show.



If I should take a notion...



Let's get a little life

in this place.



It's like a funeral parlor.



Rita, you should

really turn that off.



You shouldn't put that on now.

It's not polite.



How about a spin, handsome?



I can't really dance

in the house.



A little fun

never hurt anybody.



What if Jerry walks in?



He'll be happy to see us

having a good time.



You're his friend.

He won't mind.



Ain't nobody's business

if I do



Oh, one day...



Wonder what the rest

of this place is like.



Well, I'm sure it's very nice.



Oh, that-no, Rita.

I wouldn't go up there.



Rita, Rita, Rita,

I don't think it's a good idea.






They're watching us.



You don't have the right

to go upstairs.



Rita, please don't go.



You going to open

the goddamn door?



Mr. Langford.



Standing out there eight minutes.



What was with the door?




Where are they?



I was going to call the police.



Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry.

How are you?



We were just

freshening up upstairs.



Rita, I want you to meet

the Jerry Langford.



Jerry, I want you

to meet the Rita Keene.



Come on down.



That a girl.

Come on down.



What's your pleasure, Jerry?



It's kind of hot out there.



I want something nice to drink.



Jerry, what would you like?






Excuse us for taking the liberty,

but it's not every day...



that a girl like Rita

meets a man like you.



This is part of your success.

What can you do?



How was your golf game?



Did you finally break    ?



I told them

you were not here.



That's right. He did.



They did, Jerry.

They were very helpful.



We took an earlier train because

there wasn't anything until after  :  .



Anyway, I brought the work.

It's right here...



all ready and set to go.






where is everybody?



What everybody?



What everybody?

The guests, Jer.



To tell you the truth,

we're getting a little hungry.



You know I could

have you arrested?



Ha ha ha.

He could have us arrested.



Of course. There's no way that

we can prove that we belong here.



When he comes up with an idea,

he's terrific.




I never thought of that.



You should have.



We could set up a story...



where you invite your friends

out for the weekend...



and you throw them all in jail.

Ha ha ha.



That's terrific.

That's terrific.



What's the matter?

Lighten up.



Let's work on that

after we work on this.



How did you get here?



Walked in the door.

What do you mean?



What's the matter with you?



How did you get here?



I think you're upset.



I'm going to leave

my material here.



We'll talk later.



You've got more important

things to worry about.



We'll take a stroll

until lunchtime.



Did anyone ever tell you

you're a moron?



You know, Jerry,

I want to tell you something.




I wouldn't allow anyone...



to speak that way about Rita...



but since it's you,

I know you're only kidding.



He's a real character.






He's saying he wants us to go.



No. He's not saying that.



Jerry, tell her

you're not saying that.



He's not saying that at all.



Call the station, Jonno.



Where you going, Rita?



There'll be a cab here

in    minutes.



I'd appreciate if you'd use it.



Why? You going someplace?



You are.



Did I say something wrong?



'Cause if I did...



could we chalk it up

to inexperience.






I have my stuff right here.



We could do it

in a half an hour at the most.



You'd have the afternoon

to yourself.



I want you out of here.



I want you out of here now.



Is that plain enough?



- I understand.

- Is that clear?



Yeah, yeah, Jerry,

I understand.



Look, you're tired.

That's OK



I'm going to leave the stuff here.



Let me know what you think.



Rupert, don't be so dopey.



The man is telling us to go.



He's not.

Will you stop that?



Mr. Langford,

I want you to know...



Tell her she's wrong.



I don't even know this guy.



He told me you were friends.



- Rita, Rita!

- I feel terrible about this.



I'm so humiliated.



If there's anything I can do

to make this up to you...



Don't listen to her.

She wants to spoil everything.



Come on, Rupert.

Let's go.






OK, come on. Come on.



Come on. Let's go.



Sorry, Mr. Langford.



Do you understand English?



Take your things and go!



I just want you

to listen to my stuff.



Is that asking too much?



Yes, it is.

I have a life, OK?



I have a life, too.



That's not my responsibility.



It is when you tell me

to call you...



I told you to call

to get rid of you!



- To get rid of me?

- That's right.



I can take a hint.



If I didn't tell you that...



we'd still be

at my apartment!



So I made a mistake!



So did Hitler!



All right. This is the way it is

when you're famous.



Do you understand now?



That's how you guys are?



No, not them. Me, yeah.



That's how you are

when you reach the top?



I was that way before.



Now I know how

people like you are.



Goodbye and good luck.



And Jerry, Jerry...



I just want to say

one more thing, Jerry.



I'm glad what you did

to me today...



because now I know

I can't rely on anybody.



Not you, not anybody...



and I shouldn't rely on anybody.






I'm going to work

   times harder...



and I'm going to be

   times more famous than you.



Then you'll have idiots

like you plaguing your life!



That's right. Yes.



Come on, Rita.

We're wasting our time.



Jonno, lock that door.



You did good, Mr. Langford.



Thank you.



It looks real.



That's the whole point.



Is that him?






You sure?



Sure, I'm sure.



- It looks too much like him.

- What?



When it's him,

it doesn't look like him.



God, it feels like

it's taking him forever.



How much longer?



It's him.



Yeah. That's him.



- Don't go too fast.

- OK, OK



Stay on this side

so you're not all over him.



I'm getting over soon.



Get in the next lane...



when we cross

at the light here.






There are too many people.



I know. I know.

Keep going.



He walks in the most

crowded areas.



Well, because he doesn't

want to be alone.



Why? Tell me. Tell me why.



I know. You tell me why.



Don't get an attitude

with me right now.



Explain it to me, 'cause

you know so much about him.



Fill me in.

Let me learn from you.



All right.

When he walks on crowded streets...



he feels safe.

That's why.



Is that what it is?

Thanks for telling me.



When you're losing sight



Lost in your eyes



OK, go past him and stop.



Hey, Jerry.

Get over here.



Get in there.

I'm not fooling around.



What are you doing?

Are you crazy?



Get in, Jerry. Get in.



Hi, Jerry.



She's going to hold

the gun on your head.



Don't make any false moves.



I'd hate to have to

do anything drastic.



Now, if everything

works out...



you should be out of here...



by the very latest,

  :     :  .



Oh, maybe  :  .

 :   the very latest.



What I want you to do

is call your producer.



Call what?



Bert Thomas.

I want you to call him.



I'll give you the phone now.



Get him on the phone...



and I'll tell you

exactly what to say, OK?



Now, if you don't do it...



I don't know what to say.



There could be a problem.



Now watch your eyes, Jerry.



I'm going to take these off now.



It's a little

bright in here, OK?






Are these yours?



Jerry, these are yours?






Do you mind if I have one?



- I don't mind.

- Thank you.



- Masha, do you want one?

- Save it for me.



You want one?



Yeah, I'd love one,

but will you save it?



It's a little inconvenient

at the moment.



Do you want one?






I'll just take one

for later, then.



You know, there's no reason

to get mad about it.



I'm just trying

to ease the tension.



Even though this is

a strange situation...



there are moments

of friendship...



and moments of sharing,

or whatever.



OK, let's go.



Jerry, I mean business.



Get on the phone.

Let's go.



The fun is over.



Let's go. Come on.



Bert Thomas, please.

Jerry Langford.



What happened?



They hung up.



Call them again.



Why did they hang up?



Probably thought it was a gag.



We get that all the time.



Well, I find that strange...



but it's typical...



'cause that's the way

they treat even you...



'cause I'll let you in

on a little secret.



That's the way

they treated me...



and now look where we are.



Bert Thomas.



Audrey, this is Jerry Langford.



Get Bert Thomas

on the phone quickly.



I'm too busy for fun

and games today. Goodbye.



Did you hear what I said?



This is Jerry Langford.



Get Bert Thomas.

This is serious. Now move it.



Why don't we have

somebody else?



Like what?



It's Mr. Langford.

He says it's urgent.



Tell him I'll call him back.

I'm busy.



It's that Martino kid

the impressionist.






Will you do what I tell you?



Do it quick.



I'm sorry, Mr. Thomas.



He absolutely insists

on talking to you.



OK, I'll take it.




you know better than...



Bert, I said this is Jerry.



Jerry Langford,

and I'm in deep trouble.



Now, you'd best pay attention.



Yeah. I am listening.



Would you give me that again?



Now, wait a minute.



Um, I want to

ask you something.



What do we call our

second camera man?



We call our second camera man

Helen Keller.



His favorite color is plaid.



Helen Keller, plaid?

What is that?



When someone imitates me

on the phone...



the only way they know

it's me is by that clue.



And if I didn't know

the name we call him...



Say no more.

I understand.



Now, listen, Bert.

Listen carefully.



"I have a gun..."



"at my head"



"If a man

who identifies himself as..."



"the king..."



The card's upside down.






"Is not allowed to be

the first guest on..."



You got a blank card there.



Hold on, Bert.



I'm reading from cue cards.



"Tonight's show..."



"you'll never see me..."



Go back.



"Alive again"



It-it's not

grammatically correct...



but I think you have the idea.



It's clear, but let me

break in for a minute.



Don't you do anything silly.



OK, I'm OK



I'm OK, Bert.

Just get it done.



He wants you to call at  :  .



I'll give you

the private number...



and they'll do

whatever you want.



OK, that was very good, Jerry.



Turn around

and see how it looks.



Oh, I love it.



I'm sorry. The sleeves

aren't quite right.



Do you like it on him?



What do you think?



I think it looks pretty good.



To guess on it,

have it turn out like this.



I'm very pleased with it.



The color's great.



I like to see him

a little more casual for a change.



This is a look

I like to see on him.



Not so uptight.

Not so...



I got to get started here.



It's wonderful.

It's very good.



- Be honest with me.

- I'm being honest.



Would you wear it?



I like it. I'm so glad

I went with red.



It looks so good on him.



It looks good, Jerry.



- Come on.

- What?



Take it off and let's go.



Oh, OK, fine.



You want me to take it off?






Can't he wear it

for a little while?



Will you take it off,




I know he's in a meeting.



This is an emergency,

and I've got to talk to him.



You'll interrupt him or I'll come

busting into that meeting.



No. Forget calling me back.

I'm on my way.



Why didn't you

just listen to the tape?



It wasn't that hard...



a few minutes of your time

to listen to something...



that I worked

on my whole life.



Let's go to my office...



and we'll play

the tape right now.



Do you know what would

happen if I went there?



You know, I'm not stupid.



Nobody's calling you stupid.



You pulled this off.

That makes you smart.



You know, Jerry,

I'm going to tell you something.



Friendship is a two-way street.



Do you know that?



And you couldn't

care less about me.



Am I holding this

till next Shavuot?



You going to make

some decisions?



You going to knock off the talking

for two minutes?



You put the sweater on him.



Yeah. It took one minute.



- You have a long night ahead of you.

- I have something to say.



You've got enough to say.



- You're driving me nuts.

- Just a minute.



Can you be quiet

for one goddamn minute...



and let me rest

with this gun?



You're driving me crazy!



You haven't shut up

since we've walked in.



This is my house.

This is my domain.



Jerry is my guest,

and you're my guest.



And you're lucky to be here.



You change in my house.



You get to get your head together

for the show tonight.



Give me a little break.



- Shut up.

- Why don't you shut up?



I listened to you

talk about that sweater.



Worrying about the sleeves,

the color.



Did I say anything?



I made it for Jerry...



and it looks

fabulous on him.



Whose idea was this anyway?



If it wasn't for me,

you wouldn't even be here.



Why didn't you just listen

to the tape when I asked?



I'm sure you can understand.



Doing the kind of show I'm doing,

it's mind-boggling.



There's so much stuff

that comes down...



you can't keep

your head clear.



And if that's the case,

I'm wrong.



You're right.

I'm wrong.



If I'm wrong, I apologize.



I'm just a human being...



with all of the foibles

and all of the traps...



the show, the pressure...



the groupies,

the autograph hounds...



the crew,

the incompetence...



those behind-the-scenes

you think are your friends.



You're not sure if you'll

be there tomorrow...



because of their incompetence.



There are wonderful pressures

that make every day...



a glowing, radiant day in your life.



It's terrific.



OK, if all of

that means nothing...



if I'm wrong,

in spite of all that...



then I apologize.



I'm sorry.



If you accept my apology...



I think we should shake hands.



We'll forget the whole thing.



I won't press charges.



You could be

in deep trouble...



but I will not

press charges.



That's easy for you to say.



But I mean it.



I'll go to the office...



and tell them all it's a gag.



They'll understand that.



If I tell them, they'll buy it.



Then we'll put the tape on.



Sit down.

I said, "sit down".



You heard what he said.



With a gun on him,

he wants to be friends.



What happens

when he walks out the door?



What happens then, Jerry?



You get to his office,

and they jump you.



Is that what happens, Jerry?



Not if I tell them not to.



No one's going to jump you.



If I tell them to,

they do it.



No one's going to jump you.



Now, that's the truth.

Take my word for it.



If you think

I'm not telling you the truth...



then don't respond.



If I'm telling the truth,

let me out of here.



He gives me his word.



And what else?



And what else, Jerry?



There is nothing else,

just my word.



Now, isn't my word

good enough?



I'm sorry, Jerry.



Suppose we tape him,

he doesn't talk...



it gets to be   :  ...



do we put him on

no matter what?



Go ahead and tape him.



It won't hurt anything.



You can always erase it.



We may learn

something from it...



and it'll also buy us time.



But under no circumstances...



will we put this man

on the air.



This lunatic

is threatening Jerry.



You're not putting him

on the air?




let's not get excited.



I don't think you understand.



We'll tape at  :  .



We won't have

to make a decision...



about putting him

on the air till   :  .



This gives us

four hours to move in.



Hopefully, by that time...



we'll have your

Mr. Langford back safely.



Harry, that's it.

We're suing.



We're going to sue everybody.



Who is this man?



Jerry's lawyer.

That's who he is.



Who am I?



I'm the one who's suing.

I'm the lawyer.






Don'tJay me, please.



Jay, who are you

going to sue?



We're suing you personally.



Who else are you're suing?



The FBI.



We have a serious situation.



I want it dealt with rationally.



Unless we start talking politely...



there's going to be

serious consequences.



There's nothing polite

about kidnapping.



It's one of the most

stupid offenses ever created.



Where's the defense

of kidnapping?



How can you say,

"I was crazy"...



"I didn't know

what I was doing"...



- "I did on the spur of the moment"?

- Who cares? Who cares?



Only an idiot kidnaps...



and decides to do

what you're doing.



Jerry, I'm going to go now.



Pretty soon,

you'll be able to go...



about   :   as I said.



Have a good time.



I know you will.






First of all,

we don't know...



whether we're dealing

with kidnappers or terrorists.







You might have this man

go on the air...



deliver a coded message...



and very possibly    people...



around the country

would lose their lives.



You're out of your mind.



I'm not out of my mind.



That guy will be taped.



We'll listen to what he says.



And unless something horrendous

is on that tape...



we'll put that tape

on the air.



Because all we're dealing

with is    minutes...



of talk show time

against a man's life.



And I don't see that

as any argument.



Hello. How are you today?



Well, I'm calling...



Mr. King calling collect

long-distance for Mr. Thomas.



Mr. Thomas,

there's a long-distance call.



Let's go.

This is it.




Keep him talking.



Uh, hi there.

Who is this?



This is Mr. King.



I'm calling for Mr. King.



Well, you're right on time.



Yes. Of course.



We're always punctual.



We're fine. Thank you.



I want to make it brief...



Could I break in and ask...



could I speak to Jerry?



Jerry's not with us now.



We're at a pay phone.



So, don't try

and have the call traced...



which I noticed you did.



It's kind of important,

you know...



so that we know that

he's in your care.



We're bringing along

an article of clothing...



that I know you'll recognize.



It will be satisfactory

to everyone.



It's not as easy as you think...



just to walk in the studio...



No, Bert,

if I could call you...



Well, if I could just say,

there is no problem.



The material is clean material.



Do you know

standards and practices?



No. But that can be discussed.



Now, all I can say is...



don't have any press leaks.



You must keep the audience

there until   :   or   :  ...



after it has been

aired nationally.



Thank you.

We'll discuss the other things.



Nice talking to you.






Boy, he's shrewd.



He just, uh,

wouldn't buy anything.



I feel completely

impulsive tonight.



Anything could happen.



I have so much to tell you.



I don't know

where to start.



I want to tell you

everything about myself...



everything you don't know.



Do you like these glasses?



Crystal. Beautiful.



I bought them just for you.



There's something about them...



the simplicity of them.



If you don't like them...



if there's a doubt

in your mind...



You know,

sometimes during the day...



I'll do the simplest things.



I'll be taking a bath

and I say to myself...



"I wonder if Jerry's

taking a bath right now?"



And I just hope...



that you're not drowning

or something.



I get really worried about you...



like something terrible

is going to happen.



I have these daydreams...



like I'm with you

at the golf course...



driving your cart...



just driving around.



Need a putter, Jer,

you know?



Need an iron?



I don't even know

how to play golf.



I played with my parents once...



but, uh, but I love you.



I never told my parents

that I love them.



They never told me

that they loved me either...



which was fine with me.



But I love you.



You want some wine?

No, OK



I'm not in the mood to drink

either, though.



I'm in the mood to

be alone with you.



Why don't we just

clear off the table?



I was thinking...



why don't we go upstairs?



But that's so predictable.



Let's just take

everything off the table...



and do it right here.



That would blow your mind.



It would blow my mind.



I've never done

anything like that.



I never even had anybody

over for dinner.



Let alone,

made love on the table.



I want to do that.



I just want to dance.



I want to, like,

put on some Shirelles.



I want to be black.



Wouldn't that be insane?



God,you know

who I wish was tonight?



I wish I was Tina Turner...



just dancing

through the room.



Ooh ooh



Thank you. Thank you.



Please have

your tickets ready.



Good evening, Officer.



My name is Clarence McCabe.



Are these people with you?



Yes. This is my wife.



And these are her parents...



the Saunders

from Cleveland, Ohio.



I'll check your name, sir.



I'm going to be on third.



I'll check your name, sir.



I'm sorry, sir.



I don't see your name, sir.



You just went pass the N's.



I'll go back again, sir.



Here it is again, sir.



Let me just check.



No. This is impossible.



Did Miss Long call you at all?



No, sir, she didn't.



She didn't tell you

about my book?



Listen, I follow this list.



She told me

to present myself at  :  .



It's now  :  .



I've only got    minutes.



Only authorized personnel

allowed in here.



That's the rules

and regulations.



You never heard

of the book?



The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.



Well, can I call Miss Long?



You cannot call

Miss Long at all, sir.



Can you call Miss Long?



Your name isn't on the list.



I cannot let you in.



That's the rules of the place.



I'm going to try to get her.



Stop him.



Miss Long.



Hold on.



Let go of me.



What is this Clarence McCabe?



That's who I am.



Is that your real name?



Well, technically,

it's my real name.



No, it's a pseudonym,

an alias.



Why did you use

the pseudonym?



I'm an author.

That's my business.



Author of what?



I wrote a book called

The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.



I spent two years in Russia...



two years in China

researching that thing.



Russia? China?



Does that make me

a Communist?



Up in control, we have

one more light to pre-set.



Hello. I'm the king.






The king.



What can I do

for Your Highness?



Really. I'm the king.



Oh, yes, sir.

You're dressing room is backstage.



Your throne is in there also.



Very funny.



Is there someone in charge?



Mr. Ding.



He's a little fellow

with an ice cream cone.



- Miss Long.

- Mr. Pipkin?



No, it's Mr. Pupkin.



How are you?



What are you doing here,

Mr. Pupkin?



I'm the king.



I think you're expecting me.



- Yeah.

- Yes.



Mr. Thomas around?



You're going to love me



Like nobody's loved me



Come rain or come shine



Happy together



Unhappy together



And won't it be fine?



Days may be cloudy or sunny



We're in

and we're out of the money



I'm with you always



I'm with you






Or shine



Mr. King.



I'm Inspector Gerrity

from the FBI.



Do you understand?

What is your name?



Rupert Pupkin.



What is your real name?



That's my real name.

Rupert Pupkin.



Well, Mr. Pumpkin,

are you going to tell us...



where Jerry Langford

is or not?



Are you from the show?



I'm not from the show.



This is my assistant

Agent Giardello.



This is Captain Burke

of the police.



I'd like to meet

someone from the show.



You don't see anyone...



until I get to see Langford.



I'd like to see

someone from the show.



You won't see someone unless

you tell us where Langford is.



Well, then Jerry Langford is dead.



Get Thomas.



I'm Bert Thomas.

Are you Mr. King?



Yes. How do you do?



Did we talk

on the phone today?



We spoke a few moments ago.



Then Jerry spoke

to you earlier.



Where did you get this?



That's Jerry's as you can see.



- What's that?

- That's my blood, not Jerry's.



I'll buy this.



What do we have here?



Now, this is

my introduction...



I'd like Mr. Randall

to speak it word for word.



This is Randall's introduction

to your monologue?



Could I have a copy

of your monologue?



Well, actually,

I have it memorized.



So, I don't have...



There are reasons

that I need a copy.



We have to make sure

we don't say anything obscene.



No. It's all right. Really.



Yeah. It's a wholesome monologue.



- You guarantee that?

- I guarantee it.



Make sure that audience

lasts till   :  .



Everything he needs,

anything he asks for.



Nice meeting you.



Sit down, Pupkin.



Mr. Pupkin,

I got to tell you this.



From this point on...



you have the right

to remain silent...



'cause anything you say

from here on out might be used...



- against you later on in a court of law.

- I'm aware of that.



Say you understand.



I understand that.



Did you participate in

the abduction of Jerry Langford?



Yes, I did.

I abducted him.



You abducted him?






Do you know where

Mr. Langford is right now?



Will you lead us

to Mr. Langford?



No, I won't.



Well, at this time,

Mr. Pupkin...



I want to advise you...



to consider yourself under arrest.



Fine. I think

I should get made up.



You need some makeup.



Put some color in his face.



I'd like to put some color

in your face.



Really. I should get made up.



Tony, did you want to see me?



Have you seen this stuff?



I think it's fine.



You think this is fine?



My writing staff was executed in

Central Park by the network firing squad?



You're laughing at that?



It's very good.



Do it, please.



Why do I?



Exactly as it's written.



It'll be good for you.

Trust me.



You're the director.

Can you help me?



Take the tissues

out of your collar and let's go.



Turn the cards fast.



Are you listening to me?

Turn the cards fast.



Let's do something

crazy tonight.



Just get insane.



I want to be crazy.

I want be nuts.



I want some fun.



My doctor says

don't have any fun.



You're not allowed

to have a good time.



I have to be in control.



I'd like to see myself

out of my head.



Wouldn't you like

to see that?



Wouldn't that be great?

Wouldn't that be fabulous?



I'm having a good time.



I'm having fun.



Fun is my middle name.



That's right.

Having some fun.



I never had

this much fun before.



That's right.



Good old-fashioned,

All-American fun.



And now,

direct from New York...






with guest host

Tony Randall...



and his special guests...



Shelley Winters,

Gore Vidal...



Tony Bennett...



as always,

Lou Brown and the orchestra...



and little old me-

Ed Herlihy.



And now,

say hello to Tony!



Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.



Thank you very much.



I have some

sad news for you.



Earlier today,

my writing staff...



was executed in Central Park

by the network firing squad...



so there will be

no sensational...



Randall monologue this evening.



No embarrassing display

of emotion, please.



Instead we're going

to do something...



a little bit different

this evening.



A lot different,

if you ask me.



We're going to give you

a glimpse...



turn it over, please-

into the future.



It isn't often you can

call someone a sure thing...



in the entertainment




After all, the verdict

is always in your hands.



I think tonight,

after you've met...



my first guest...



you'll agree with me that

he's destined for greatness!



In one way or another.



So will you please

give your warmest greetings...



to the newest

king of comedy...



Rupert Pupkin!



Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.



Let me introduce myself.



My name is Rupert Pupkin.



I can't believe

I'm going to kiss you.



Masha, take the tape off.






Go on.

Take it off.



Ready now.



Take him back down.



Why did you do this?



Tell me and maybe

I'll be able to believe in you.



You know what time it is?



Yes, it's   minutes to   :  .



I think we'd better go.



I don't like

to say it like this...



but Jerry's going to be




You'll understand when we go.



I'll understand?

Why will I understand?



Where are we going?



That's part of the bargain.



I want to see it

somewhere else...



Part of what bargain?



Well, that's my understanding.



I just want to see it

in this other place.



Once I see it,

I'll give you Langford.



You don't understand

my position.



I have you right now.



Having you,

I have a shot at Langford.



But you don't have Jerry.



I understand that.



I'm doing this as fast as I can.



Good, Masha.









You all right?



I'm fine.



I know you are.



All right. Come on.



Let's go.



Oh, one more thing.



I can't walk in here with you.



If you just wait here...



and let me walk in by myself.



I'll break your ankles

if you make a wrong move.



OK, I promise, OK?



Make believe

you don't know me, too.



Go ahead.



OK Here you go.



Jerry, you seem a little bit...



Jerry! Jerry, wait!



Jerry! Jerry!



Jerry, come back here!






Oh, God.



What do you want now?



What are you doing?



I'm watching that.

It's almost over.



Just a minute.

Just a minute.



It's the Jerry Langford Show!



With guest host

Tony Randall...



and his special guests

Shelley Winters...



What's going on here?



Do you know him?



Unfortunately, yes.



Well, just sit tight. Relax.



Everything will be OK



My first guest...



you'll agree with me that...



he's destined for greatness!



In one way or another.



So will you please give

your warmest greetings...



to the newest

king of comedy...



Rupert Pupkin!



Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.



Let me introduce myself.



My name is Rupert Pupkin.



I was born

in Clifton, NewJersey...



which was not at that time

a federal offense.



Is there anyone here

from Clifton?



Oh, good.

We can all relax now.



I'd like to begin by saying...



my parents were too poor

to afford me a childhood.



But the fact is that...



no one is allowed to be

too poor in Clifton.



Once you fall

below a certain level...



they exile you to Passaic.



My parents did put...



the first two down payments

on my childhood.



Don't get me wrong,

but they did also...



return me to the hospital

as defective.



But, like everyone else...



I grew up in large part

thanks to my mother.



If she were only here today...



I'd say, "Hey, ma,

what are you doing here?



You've been dead

for nine years!"



But seriously,

you should've seen my mother.



She was wonderful.



Blonde, beautiful,

intelligent, alcoholic.



We used to drink milk

together after school.



Mine was homogenized.

Hers was loaded.



Once they picked her up

for speeding.



They clocked her doing   .



All right,

but in our garage?



And when they tested her...



they found out that

her alcohol had  % blood.



Ah, but we used tojoke together,

mom and me...



until the tears

would stroll down her face...



and she would throw up!



Yeah, and who would

clean it up?



Not dad. He was too busy

down at O'Grady's...



throwing up on his own.






In fact, until I was   ...



I thought throwing up

was a sign of maturity.



While the other kids...



were off in the woods

sneaking cigarettes...



I was hiding

behind the house...



with my fingers

down my throat.



The only problem was

I never got anywhere...



until one day

my father caught me.



Just as he was giving me...



a final kick in the stomach

for luck...



I managed to heave

all over his new shoes!



"That's it", I thought.



"I've made it.

I'm finally a man!"



But as it turned out,

I was wrong.



That was the only attention

my father ever gave me.



Yeah, he was usually too busy...



out in the park playing ball

with my sister Rose.



But today, I must say...



thanks to those many hours

of practice...



my sister Rose has grown

into a fine man.



Me, I wasn't especially

interested in athletics.



The only exercise I ever got...



was when the other kids

picked on me.



Yeah, they used to

beat me up once a week...



usually Tuesday.



And after a while...



the school worked it

into the curriculum.



And if you knocked me out,

you got extra credit.



There was this one kid,

poor kid...



he was afraid of me.



I used to tell him...



"Hit me, hit me.

What's the matter with you?



Don't you want to graduate?"



Hey, I was the youngest kid...



in the history of the school...



to graduate in traction.



But,you know,

my only real interest...



right from the beginning,

was show business.



Even as a young man,

I began at the very top...



collecting autographs.



Now, a lot of you

are probably wondering...



why Jerry isn't with us tonight.



Well, I'll tell you.



The fact is he's tied up.



I'm the one who tied him.



Well, I know you think

I'm joking...



but, believe me,

that's the only way...



I could break

into show business...



by hijacking Jerry Langford.



Right now,

Jerry is strapped to a chair...



somewhere in the middle

of the city.



Go ahead, laugh.



Thank you.

I appreciate it.



But the fact is, I'm here.



Now, tomorrow you'll know

I wasn't kidding...



and you'll think I was crazy.



But, look,

I figure it this way.



Better to be king for a night...



than schmuck for a lifetime.



Thank you.

Thank you.



How'd you do that?



Did you like it?



Thank you.



I'd like to buy

everyone here a drink.



I hope you all

enjoyed the show.



Rita, you keep the change.



Just because I made it big,

I won't forget about you.



Come on. Come on!



What's happening here?



Take care of yourself, Rupert.



That's the same guy who

was just now on television.



Just now. Same guy.



I'm just getting even.



No jokes. No jokes.



You murdered.



You didn't like my show?



No. No.



Matter of fact...



I'm looking for the guy

that wrote the material.



I'll pick him up

and take him along with you.



I wrote the material.

I disagree with you.



I thought they were

very good jokes.



If you wrote that material...



I got one piece

of advice for you.



Throw yourself on your knees

in front of the judge...



and beg for mercy.



That's very funny,

but you'll see.



In what has to rank

as the most bizarre debut...



in recent times...



a self-styled comedian

named Rupert Pupkin...



appeared on

the Jerry Langford Show...



There's no doubt

the incident has made...



Rupert Pupkin a household word.



Pupkin's performance

has been viewed...



by a record    million

American households.



Rupert Pupkin,

kidnapping king of comedy...



was sentenced

to six years imprisonment...



at the government's

minimum security facility...



in Allenwood, Pennsylvania,

for his part...



in the abduction of

talk show host Jerry Langford.



On the anniversary of

his appearance on the show...



Rupert Pupkin told

a gathering of reporters...



he still considers Jerry Langford...



his friend and mentor.



He reported he had been

spending his time...



writing his memoirs,

which have been purchased...



by a leading publishing house...



for in excess of $  million.



Rupert Pupkin was released

today from Allenwood...



after serving   years

and   months...



of a six-year sentence.



Hundreds greeted the   -year-old...



comedian and author...



among them his new agent

and manager David Ball...



who announced

King For A Night...



Pupkin's best-selling




will appear as a major

motion picture.



Pupkin said he used

his stay at Allenwood...



to sharpen his material.



He said he and his people...



were weighing attractive offers...



and he looked forward

to resuming.....



his show business career.



And now,

ladies and gentlemen...



the man we've all

been waiting for...



and waiting for.



Would you welcome home





brightest new star...



The legendary, inspirational...



the one and only

king of comedy...



Ladies and gentlemen,

Rupert Pupkin!



Rupert Pupkin,

ladies and gentlemen!



Let's hear it

for Rupert Pupkin!






Rupert Pupkin,

ladies and gentlemen!



Rupert Pupkin,

ladies and gentlemen!



Let's hear it

for Rupert Pupkin!






Rupert Pupkin,

ladies and gentlemen!



How can you stand the silence



That pervades when we all cry?



How can you watch the violence



That erupts before your eyes?



How can you tell us something



Just to keep us hanging on?



Something thatjust

don't mean nothing



When we see it,you are gone



Clinging to some other rainbow



Or standing waiting in the the cold



Telling us the same old story



Knowing time is growing old



That was a wonderful remark



I had my eyes closed in the dark



I sighed a million sighs



I told a million lies



To myself



To myself



How can we listen to you



When we know your talk is cheap?



How can we ever question



Why we give more and you keep?



How can your empty laughter



Fill the room like clouds ofjoy



When you're only playing with us



Like a child does with a toy?



How can we ever feel the freedom?



Or the flame lit by the spark?



How can we ever come out even



When reality is stark?



That was a wonderful remark



I had my eyes closed in the dark






I sighed a million sighs



I told a million lies



To myself



To myself



Believin' to myself






Believin' to myself



To myself



To myself

Special help by SergeiK