Voila! Finally, the Kiss Me Kate
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie based on the
musical play, with all the lyrics and whatnot. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Kiss Me Kate. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Would you get the door, Paul?
- Hi, Paul. - Mr. Cole Porter, sir.
- Thanks for coming. - Hello, Fred.
You're right on time. Everything's set.
Keyboard's dusted, and the piano's tuned.
That is a matter of opinion. By the way, what was wrong with my place?
- You want Lilli to do the part, don't you? - Very much.
Then psychologically, this is the proper setting.
- Here? Where you lived together? - Oh, Lilli loved the apartment.
She'll be dying to see if I've changed anything.
Even if she does come, there's no guarantee she'll do the show.
Of course she'll do it. It's a good script, a great score, fat part.
You're forgetting one thing.
Besides directing the show, you'll also be playing opposite her.
Most actresses would consider that an inducement.
Under the circumstances, I should think things might be a little strained.
Because we used to be man and wife? Oh, Cole, that's archaic.
- We're adults. We're civilized. - Oh, forgive me!
Just one thing. When Lilli gets here, start with a love song: "So in Love."
- She's a pushover for a sentimental lyric. - Okay.
That's her ring.
She always leans on the bell.
Hello, Paul. How's the bursitis?
Better, thank you, Mrs. Graham. I mean...
- Cole, how wonderful to see you again. - Lilli, darling.
- Hello, Fred. - Hello, Lilli.
- You look wonderful, Lilli. - Thanks.
Peace of mind. It does wonders for you.
- You ought to get rid of that spot. - Never. It's a keepsake.
- You threw the inkwell, remember? - I'm sure I had provocation.
- Well, did you like the script? - Oh, I loved it.
- Would you care to hear the score? - I'm dying to. That's the reason I'm here.
- The only reason. - Well, Fred...
...this is sort of a musical version of The Taming of the Shrew.
- Shakespeare, you know. - Yes.
Let's see. Where should we start?
Why don't we start with a love song?
- "So in Love"? - Yes, it's great for Lilli.
It's a duet.
So it is.
It's beautiful, Cole.
- You sang it beautifully. - Thank you.
But tell me something.
Do you really think I could play the shrew?
You'd make a perfect shrew.
What I mean is, it takes an actress of real stature, like Judy Marlow...
- Constance Collier. - Connie Collier, Lynn Fontanne...
- Great actresses. - The costumes are great.
For your entrance, we've picked red velvet.
- She looks wonderful in it. - I know...
There's another good song in the score for Lilli. "I Hate Men."
Now, here's what we had in mind for the wedding scene.
- Pretty, isn't it? - It's certainly tempting.
- Then you'll do it? - It's difficult to refuse.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll... Well...
- Expecting someone? - No.
Yes, though not just yet. I...
Hello. Hi, sweetie. Am I late?
- No. Early. - Oh, that's great.
I just dashed over between shows at the Copa.
I hope you don't mind my legs.
On the contrary.
Oh, this is Miss Lane, the young lady I was telling you about.
- Telling me about? - For the part?
- Part? - Bianca.
- The younger sister. - Younger?
- Only in the play. - Oh, of course. Bianca.
It's a thrill meeting both of you.
I just love your songs, Mr. Porter.
And I'm just nuts about your ex-husband.
Sweetie, we're out of ginger ale. Anybody want a drink?
- What'll you have? - Nothing, thank you.
- Not right now. - Lf nobody wants anything...
...how about doing the number? - Number?
The big one I'm going to do, the "Too Darn Hot" number.
That must be the boys.
Hi, fellas, come in.
Didn't you tell her the number's out? You told her she could play Bianca?
Fellas, get over by the piano, will you?
Mr. Porter, would you sit here? And, Fred, sweetie, you sit over there.
There, that's a square deal. Okay. Go, boys, go.
- Delightful. - Thanks, honey.
- How was I, Mr. Porter? - Wonderful.
- Great! - Thanks, fellas. Take .
There's a slight problem. We've taken the number out of the show.
Out of the show? But you can't, Mr. Porter.
Sweetie promised it to me.
He promised faithfully.
- You crossed your heart! - He always does.
- It didn't fit, honey. - There's no place to put it, you see.
Hey, wait a minute. Now it's coming through to me.
She wants to do the number. You gave it to her!
Why, that's absurd! I wouldn't dream of displaying my legs.
What's the matter with your legs? Are you knock-kneed?
- Why don't you ask Fred? - Ladies, please...
I don't think I ought to do the show. It might interfere with my honeymoon.
- Honeymoon? - Yes. I'm being married, you know.
Sorry, Cole. Goodbye, sweetie.
Oh, let her go. I can play Kate. I can do the part.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."
Great idea! You'd be wonderful in the part. Wouldn't she, Cole?
Oh, now, look, Fred... Oh, sure! I'll get the sketches.
I'll start coaching you. You'll look wonderful in that dress.
- You can't see my legs. - We'll shorten it.
- To here. - Gee!
Now, just a minute! What do you mean giving my part to someone else?
No, you're right. Nothing must stand in the way of your honeymoon.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not talking me in and out of a hit show.
- My script. - Sweetie gave that part to me!
All right! All right, let's set the final curtain calls.
Back at sharp, Sully.
First call: Petruchio, Katherine and Bianca. Miss Vanessi. Miss Lane.
Could you manage to smile, Miss Vanessi?
All right. Let's have a nice curtsy, ladies.
We'll have to do better than that. Watch Miss Lane.
- It's really simple. - It must be.
Just raise your skirt and... Oh, I forgot! Your knees.
There's nothing wrong with my knees.
You may step out now, Miss Vanessi.
Second call: Bianca and the three suitors.
Where the devil is that partner of yours? Lucentio!
I think he went to the chiropodist.
How am I doing, sweetie? I mean, Mr. Graham.
Very nice. Go to your dressing room and relax until curtain time.
- Let your mind go blank. - Whatever thou sayest.
Miss Vanessi, I'd like to run over your bow.
You were a bit awkward, you know.
Bill? Where is he?
He's a prisoner of the Star Cab Company.
Shoot you for it. Double or nothing.
- How much is it this time? - Two dollars, lady.
Honey, you're the cutest piggy bank in town.
- Sure the donkey's housebroken? - They guaranteed it.
Well, if anything happens, you're responsible.
Bill Calhoun, have you been gambling again?
- How much did you lose? - Two G's.
Two thousand? You haven't even got two dollars.
- Signed an IOU. - An IOU?
- But not with my name. - Whose name did you sign?
Oh, Bill, no! This is our big chance.
- Do you want to work nightclubs all your life? - What's wrong with nightclubs?
Nothing, if you like smoke, noise and drunks.
You thought they were great till you met this Hamlet.
Mr. Graham is a gentleman and a scholar. He's merely culturing me.
- He's helping to further our careers. - Whose? Yours or mine?
- Both! - Oh, Lois, dear?
- Yes, sweetie? - Has that hoofer showed up yet?
No, he hasn't, sweetie.
When he gets in, tell him I want to see him.
Yes, I certainly will, sweetie.
Where are you?
- Oh, Bill. - I'm sorry, honey.
- Honest. - Yeah. If you only meant it.
Calling me a louse! And on-stage!
I should have waited. You louse!
It's customary for a gentleman to knock.
I'm not a gentleman. I'm a louse. Remember?
Stop that infernal squeaking. You know it gets on my nerves.
What do you want me to do? Bite them off?
- Who is it? - Suzanne. I've got your dinner tray.
- Take it away. - What do you mean, take it away?
You can't eat before a performance. It gives you indigestion.
It's my stomach, thank you. Bring it in, Suzanne!
You'll not burp during my love scenes. Take it away.
Suzanne, don't you dare.
- Let's make up our mind, shall we? - It's made up.
Well, pick it up. It's probably that cowboy.
He is not a cowboy. He's a cattle baron.
Cattle baron? What's his crest? A hamburger smothered with onions?
Hello? Oh, hello, Tex, darling.
I was expecting you at the theater.
Oh, you're still at the stockyards.
- What are they getting for New York cuts? - How dare you!
Tex, darling, I apologize. This...
$ . a pound?
Oh, but I wanted you to come to the theater tonight, darling.
Oh, the steer are restless.
Yes, love. I'm blowing you two kisses.
All right. I give up. What is it? Headlight of a locomotive?
It's my engagement ring.
- Well, I hope you'll be very happy. - Thank you.
Do you know what day this is, Fred? Our anniversary.
- What anniversary? - The first anniversary of our divorce.
And I have a little remembrance for you.
Well, it's just what I wanted. A cork.
From our first bottle of champagne.
Our wedding breakfast?
In my apartment.
You mean that one room of yours over the Armenian bakery?
You should complain, you didn't even have a room.
Why do you think I married you?
That was the season we played the Barter Theatre in Virginia...
...and they gave you a ham.
Well, we lived on it all winter.
And I got a job reading tea leaves at the Automat. Remember?
And I demonstrated shaving soap at the five-and-dime.
That's how I spent my honeymoon...
...at the five-and-dime, watching you shave.
Were we married then?
Yes. Mother was staying with us.
How could I forget?
It was right after we closed in that...
...Viennese operetta, laid in Switzerland, only the costumes were Dutch.
Oh, sure! Now I remember.
I was understudying the lead.
No, dear. We were both in the chorus.
You know, there was a waltz in that show. Something about...
Something about a bar...
You are ravishing tonight. You've made me the happiest of men.
Ah, your highness, you overwhelm me.
It was a good number, wasn't it?
I always liked it.
What happened to us, Fred?
I don't know.
Whose fault was it?
Well, it could have been your disposition.
It might have been your ego.
We'd... We'd better get dressed.
I don't like my face.
- Neither do I. - Who are you?
- Hey, fine-looking fellow. - Clean-cut.
- What are you doing backstage? - What a figure! What a profile.
Gentlemen, I'm deeply touched by your admiration, but...
- What diction! - Very elocutionary.
And he does not spit when he talks.
This is all very flattering, but I receive the public...
...after the performance, not before. - What grace!
If I had to do something to him, I'd cry like a baby.
Come back after the performance.
I'll be happy to present you with my autograph then.
We already got your autograph. That's why we're here.
Little matter of an IOU. Here it is.
Two G's. Mr. Hogan, that's our employer...
...he regards this as a debt of honor. - Yeah.
- How's about it, Mr. Graham? - You're crazy.
Here. Let me see that.
- Why, that's not even my signature. - That's what they all say.
I'm surprised at you. You just signed this this afternoon after a game over to the hotel.
We wasn't there. Of course, we got Mr. Hogan's word for it.
You're really crazy. I've been in this theater since this morning.
- He forgot. - Yeah. Well, that's human beings for you.
Once a man signs an IOU, everything goes black.
- Yeah, the doctors call it magnesia. - We cure it.
Gentlemen, would you mind leaving?
Jeez, ain't he virile?
And now we'd like to express our best wishes for a magnificent opening...
...and success of the brilliant talent that you so richly deserve.
- I copied that out of Western Union. - Heartiest felicitations.
- I made that up myself. - Mr. Graham, try and joster your memory.
Yeah. We'll be back, buddy.
Not now. How many times I gotta tell you? I'll let you know when.
- They're bringing flowers. - The funeral ain't till tomorrow.
All right. Come on, will you? What's the matter with you?
- Yes? - Good evening, Suzanne.
From the master.
Here are some flowers.
You see, Suzanne? He didn't forget.
Violets and roses. My wedding bouquet.
You need some food. I better get back your dinner tray.
No, Suzanne. I've made up my mind. I won't touch a thing.
If he wants me to go hungry, I'll go hungry.
When you can eat, eat.
- Do you think it's creeping back? - No, sir. We're keeping it at bay, sir.
- Did you deliver the flowers? - Yes, sir.
- Did you put the note in? - Oh, yes, sir.
Good. You took them upstairs to Miss Lane personally, of course?
Upstairs, sir? I thought they were for...
Miss Vanessi? Oh, you driveling idiot!
- Do you know what you've done? - Yes, sir. I've loused you up, sir.
- Don't use that word. - Yes, sir. No, sir. Quite, sir.
- Oh, Fred. - Now, now, now, Lilli.
- I can explain everything. - So thoughtful, darling.
- You mean, you didn't read the card? - Card? Was there a card? I didn't see one.
Now, Lilli, you know I'm allergic to roses. Give me hay...
On-stage and good luck.
- Okay. Let's go. - Oh, Fred.
- I can't. I just can't. - Oh, no!
My cheeks are burning and my hands are freezing...
...and my tummy... - You ate! Lilli, you had something to eat!
- No, I didn't. Really... - You're not gonna whoops?
- Yes, I... - No, no. You can't. I won't let you.
Oh, Mademoiselle Lilli, I found the card that came with the flowers.
- Thank you, Suzanne. - No, no. There isn't time.
Look, I'll tell you what I wrote: "To Lilli, the only woman I've ever loved...
...the only artist I've ever worshiped."
Now, let me have the card, and let's go.
- Did you really mean that, Fred? - With all my heart.
Then that's where it's going. Right next to mine.
I'm not nervous now and I'm not going to whoops.
And I'll never call you a louse in public again. Never.
You will, my sweet. You will.
This is the tale of Baptista Minola.
A merchant of old Padua who is firmly resolved not to bestow...
...his younger daughter Bianca...
...till he canst find a husband for the elder, Katherine.
Oh, if I could only find a man who would thoroughly woo her, wed her and bed her...
...and rid my house of her!
The fair Bianca has three stalwart suitors:
Gremio, Hortensio and Lucentio...
...who wouldst fain take the maid to wife.
- I burn. - I pine.
Till I alone canst wed the fair Bianca.
Sweet Bianca. She sings as sweetly as a nightingale.
She looks as clean and fresh as morning roses newly washed with dew.
To my father's pleasure, humbly I subscribe.
My books of music shall be my only company...
...on them to look and practice by myself.
A pity Katherine were not of a gentler, milder mold.
But she is shrewd and forward beyond all measure.
An irksome, brawling scold!
Bianca is my father's treasure.
She must have a husband and for love of her...
...I must dance barefoot on her wedding day.
Katherine, for shame. Think on thy poor father.
Oh, was ever father thus grieved as I?
His grief will soon be put to rout.
A happy wind blows me, Petruchio, to Padua from old Verona...
...for I am born to tame this Kate.
Kate the Cursed.
A title, for a maid, of all titles the worst!
- Poor child! - She weeps!
- What is it, sweet Bianca? - I'm a maid who wouldst marry.
- Any Tom? - Dick?
- Or Harry? - Any Harry, Tom or Dick!
- Petruchio! - Well, Lucentio!
What happy wind blows you to Padua from old Verona?
Such wind as scatters young men through the world to seek their fortunes.
- And you? - I came to study.
I am glad that you thus combine your resolve to suck the sweets of sweet philosophy...
...the mathematics and the botany.
Fall to them as your stomach serves. No profit grows where is no pleasure taken.
In brief, sir, study.
As for me...
This gentleman is happily arrived.
Petruchio is too much my friend.
I cannot wish him a shrewd, ill-tempered wife.
- But she is rich. - And young and beauteous.
But shrewd, and forward so beyond all measure...
...that were my state far poorer than it is...
...I would not wed her for a mine of gold. - Peace, Lucentio.
Thou knowest not gold's effect.
And therefore, if thou know one rich enough to be Petruchio's wife...
...tell me her father's name, and 'tis enough. - Her father is Baptista Minola.
- Her name, Katherine. - Elder sister of the fair Bianca.
That is she. An irksome, brawling scold.
Think you a little din can daunt mine ears?
Have I not in my time heard great lions roar?
Have I not heard great ordnance in the field and heaven's artillery thunder in the skies?
- Then you will woo this wildcat? - Done.
Go you to old Baptista and say, "I have a husband for Katherine."
Let's quaff carouses to this gentleman.
Sister! Sister! Wrong me not! Content thee in my discontent!
Thou hilding of a devilish spirit, why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee?
Her silence flouts me and I'll be revenged!
- Oh, was ever father thus grieved as I? - A word with you, kind sir.
Importune me no further, for how deeply I am resolved you know.
Oh, that is news. Good news! Come in, Lucentio.
Lucentio, thou meacock wretch!
Katherine! Katherine! Wonder of wonders!
A gentleman from Verona desires you in marriage.
Then he'd best go back there!
Greetings, good sir. I hear you have a daughter called Katherine, fair and virtuous.
- I have a daughter, sir, called Katherine. - I am a gentleman from Verona, sir...
...that, hearing of her beauty and her wit, her affability and bashful modesty...
...her wondrous qualities and mild behavior...
Mild behavior, am bold to make myself a forward guest within your house...
...to make mine eye the witness of that report which I so oft have heard.
I'm afraid my daughter Katherine is not for your turn.
The more my grief.
- I see you do not mean to part with her. - Mistake me not.
- Or else you like not of my company. - You're more than welcome.
Well, then. What dowry shall I have with her to wife?
- After my death, one half of my lands. - The fertile part.
- So be it. - And in possession?
- Twenty thousand crowns. - Thirty.
- Thirty! - Father!
Let specialities be therefore drawn between us...
...that covenants may be kept on either hand.
Go. Get thee to a notary.
Aye, when that special thing is well-obtained...
...that is my love, for that is all in all.
Of all the men alive, I never yet beheld that special face...
...which I could fancy more than any other.
"To my darling, let my lovely..."
It was not to her liking.
But that is nothing. For I tell you, Father, I am as peremptory as she proud-minded...
...and where two raging fires meet, they do consume the thing that feeds their fury.
I will attend her here and woo her with some spirit when she comes.
- Lf she bids me pack, I'll give her thanks. - I bid thee pack!
What's the matter, Fred?
Were thine that special face.
What have we here? Some flowers from my daughter.
Talk. Talk. Speak, Petruchio, speak.
Speak, Petruchio, though thy message is not for me.
Good morrow, Ka...
We're on-stage now, Lilli! Good morrow, Kate, for that's your name, I hear.
Well have you heard, but somewhat hard of hearing.
They call me Katherine that do speak of me.
You lie, in faith, for you are called Plain Kate...
...and Bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the Cursed.
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom.
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town...
Thy virtue spoke of and thy beauty sounded...
...myself am moved to woo thee for my wife. Come. Sit on me.
Asses are made to bear and so are you.
Women are made to bear and so are you.
No such jade as bear you with me, you mean.
- You wasp! I' faith, you are too angry. - Lf I be too waspish, best beware my sting.
- My remedy, then, is to pluck it out. - Aye, if the fool could find it where it lies.
Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
I swear I'll cuff you if you strike again!
Keep on acting the way you're doing, Miss Vanessi...
...and I'll give you the paddling of your life, and on-stage.
- You wouldn't dare! - No?
If you strike me, you're no gentleman.
- What is your crest, a coxcomb? - A combless cock so Kate will be my hen.
Come, give me thy hands.
Come! And will you, nill you, I will marry you.
For by this light whereby I see thy beauty...
...thy beauty that doth make me like thee well...
...thou must be married to no man but me.
For I am he am born to tame you, Kate...
...and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate conformable as other household Kates.
Father! You devil.
Petruchio, how speed you with my daughter?
How but well? It were impossible I should speed amiss.
We have 'greed so well together that upon Sunday is the wedding day.
May God give you joy. 'Tis a match!
Amen, say we!
Father and wife and gentlemen, adieu.
I will into Venice... I'm warning you, Lilli.
To buy apparel against the wedding day. Sunday comes apace...
...and we will have rings and things in fine array.
And kiss me, Kate.
All right, Miss Vanessi. You asked for it and you're going to get it.
Fred, what are you doing?
Stop it! Stop it!
Suzanne! Suzanne, get me an ice pack, quick. That's the last time...
...you'll ever lay hands on me, Frederick Graham.
You asked for it. May I remind you, Miss Vanessi...
...the name of this piece is The Taming of the Shrew, not He Who Gets Slapped.
Sending my wedding bouquet to that little tramp!
That's no excuse for ad-libbing. None.
"Let my lovely Lois shine through Bianca tonight...
...and there'll be a new star in the heavens."
- Thou jerk! - All right. All right.
I sent the child some flowers.
I sent a card with the flowers.
May I remind you that I'm free, male and ?
- ? - All right. I'm .
What's my age got to do with it?
They were full, rich years and I'm proud of them.
Show me an actor who's done what I've done. My Peer Gynt in London.
- They threw crumpets at you. - My Hamlet in Dublin.
You got paid in potatoes. Mashed.
Money, money. That's all you ever think of.
The trouble with you, Miss Vanessi, is you have no soul.
What's the idea of jabbing the ribs out there?
- It's in the script. - The devil it is.
I couldn't teach you manners as a wife, but by heavens...
...l'll teach you manners as an actress. - Not in this production, you won't.
What did you say?
You heard me.
And here's a little something that isn't in the script.
What are you trying to do, kill me?
There's a law against attempted murder.
Good heavens, I'm bleeding!
- Yes, Mr. Graham? - Quick, get me some alcohol.
How do you want it?
Oh, my rib. I think she's broken a rib.
- How can you tell if you have a broken rib? - X-raying.
Well, don't just stand there, look in the prop room.
Am I bleeding heavily?
I don't see any blood.
Here. What do you call that?
- Suntan number two. - What?
Oh. Well, skin's bruised, though, isn't it?
I don't see anything.
- Nope. Not a thing. - What?
That's all I need.
A blind stage manager.
All right, kids, let's get with it. We got a quick change. Come on.
Bill, you've simply got to tell Mr. Graham. Signing somebody else's name is perjury.
Honey, you don't understand. Hogan's boys play rough.
I could wind up with a broken leg.
At least I'd know where you were at nights.
Bill Calhoun, you go in there and tell Fred right now...
...or you can find yourself another piggy bank.
Where's that ice bag?
Tex, I'll marry you tonight. Send a car for me.
No, better still, send an ambulance.
You don't know what that beast has done to me. I can't sit down.
I said, I can't sit down!
That is not where it hurts.
I'm through with the theater.
I want to go where no one will ever find me.
I'll go to Texas.
Well, I'm quitting right now.
Mademoiselle Lilli, your ex-husband just dropped in.
Suzanne, pack my things.
You don't think that you can walk out of a show in the middle of a performance?
- Oh, no? - I'll have you up on charges at Equity.
I'll be glad, glad to appear before Equity.
And I'll bring photographs of what you've done to me. In Technicolor!
- And I'll bring my x-rays! - Tex says you ought to be lynched.
Suzanne, unzip me.
Lilli, you don't really mean that you would?
- Oh, you would? - You bet I would!
You'll never play the theater again.
Oh, no? Well, I hate the theater...
...and I hate actors, and most of all, I hate you!
Get out! Get out!
- I thought this was your dressing room. - Ralph! Ralph!
There's something I want to tell you.
Well, what is it? Ralph!
This afternoon, when I went to the chiropodist, I didn't.
- He's not only blind, he's deaf. - It seems I was in a little game...
...down at the hotel. I lost some money. - Yes?
- Get the understudy ready. - For you?
No, no! Lilli. She refuses to go on.
Trouble was, I was short, so I signed an IOU.
- Okay. I'll break the news to Jeanie. - It seems I signed your name.
Yeah, good. Fine.
- Tell her to take a bromo. - Fine?
You mean you don't care?
- Why, gee, Mr. Graham, thanks! - All right.
If I'd known you were such a great guy, I wouldn't have...
Oh, no, you don't.
If she's leaving, she's leaving on an empty stomach.
- Thanks, Mr. Graham. - All right.
You signed my name?
Why, you no-good, little...
Hey! For us? Wow.
You shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't have done it.
- Hey, what a performance. - What unction, buddy.
- You think the audience is digging it? - They're a bunch of lowbrows.
- Now, look here... - We're just here to see...
...if you jostled your memory yet.
- Coleslaw. - Hey.
Oh, yeah. Mr. Graham, listen.
We gotta know when you're gonna pay your debt of honor...
...to one of America's most respected floating crap games.
Look, I told you. I never signed anything.
What's more, I can prove it. It was...
Well, as a matter of fact...
...I did sign that IOU.
- He remembers! - It all comes back to him.
The trouble is, I haven't got the money. I would have at the end of the week...
...if the show could only run. - It'll run.
It's entertaining, vivacious...
...and calculated to please the most discriminating theatergoer.
- You can quote me. Chicken? - Yeah. Thanks.
Sorry. Seniority, you know.
You don't understand. Miss Vanessi, my costar, is quitting.
- Quitting? - As of right now.
Temperament. Didn't like the way I played a little scene.
She's dressing to leave the theater.
Well, I guess all I can do is return whatever money there is in the box office, that's all.
Maybe we should talk to her.
Fred, sweetie, I simply had to come... Oh, excuse me.
- Don't mind us. Go right ahead. - Couple old friends of the family.
On Lilli's side.
I just wanted to say thank you for being so wonderful about Bill.
Oh. Well, look, honey, forget about it. It was nothing.
Nothing? Why, it was absolutely noble of you.
After all, he did sign your...
And to be so understanding after doing such a horrible thing like signing...
I always knew you were a fine person, but it took really a great man...
...to forgive another man for signing his...
- Well! - Stop, Lilli!
Bill! Oh, Bill, wait, honey! Wait!
You don't understand. I was just saying thank you.
How do you suppose she says "You're welcome"?
Hey, is that the little lady who's gonna take a powder? We gotta dissuade her.
- Oh, Lilli. - You're wasting your breath. I'm leaving.
Some very ardent admirers of yours. Come in, gentlemen.
- How do you do? - What a trouper.
What a personality. Allow me.
Is it true you're contemplating quitting this high-type entertainment?
- I am. Careful. - Miss Vanessi, the show must go on.
Yeah. There's no business like show business.
We got a financial interest in the success of this opus, Miss Vanessi.
Therefore, we would like you to finish the show till the end of the week...
...when Mr. Graham can pay off his debt of honor.
Honor? He doesn't even know the meaning of the word.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Yeah.
Her costume for the wedding scene.
We'd like to see you model this.
I'm sorry. My understudy will be wear...
- We think it would look better on you. - Especially with your coloring.
Are you threatening me?
No, I'm just transferring the weight from this side over to this side.
Yeah, the bullets get kind of heavy.
Shall we just step behind the screen and try it on?
- Fred? - We'd be glad to help you zip it up, baby.
Fred? Fred, don't just stand there. Do something, do something!
Gentlemen, this is an outrage.
Come, my bonny Kate.
I said come!
I see puzzlement upon thy good faces.
Who are these two angelic sprites who bear my lady's train?
They are distant relatives from Pisa.
- What's a sprite? - Some kind of fairy.
Obey the bride, you that attend her.
Go to the feast and revel and domineer.
Leave us not lose our heads, buddy.
Carouse full-measure. Be mad, be merry, or go hang yourselves.
But for my bonny Kate...
She must with me.
I will be master of what is mine own.
She is my goods, my chattels, my horse, my ox...
Touch her, whoever dares. I'll bring mine action on the proudest he...
...that dares to stop my way in Padua.
Bring forth my noble steed.
Come, Kate, most patient, sweet and virtuous of wives.
Thou must not soil thy dainty feet.
Thou shall ride and I will walk beside thee.
You louse! You know I can't sit down.
She resists! Then I shall cart her to the nuptial chamber...
...like a sack of flour going to the mill.
- Bye. - Goodbye!
Hey, look! Come here. Hey!
Watch it, lady!
Come on, get up. Lady!
Get back on. That's it. There.
What? No men at my door to hold my stirrup or to take my horse?
Where be these knaves?
- Where is Nathaniel? - Here, sir.
- Gregory! - Here, sir.
You loggerheaded and unpolished grooms.
What, no attendance?
No regard? No duty?
Kind strangers, thou angels in disguise...
...who didst help me in my hour of need.
It were well you rested from your travels in yon chamber.
Get ye hence. Go to. Go to.
- To flee or not to flee, that is the question. - We wouldst not thinkst of leaving thou.
Yeah. Going away is such sweet sorrow.
Food, food, food!
Sit down, Kate.
Thou knowest full well that I cannot.
Well, then, stand and be merry. Some water here.
Will you give thanks, sweet Kate, or else shall I?
- What's this? Mutton? - Aye.
- Who brought it? - I.
And so is all the meat.
What dogs are these? Where is the rascal cook?
How durst you villains bring it from the dresser and serve it thus to me...
...that love it not?
Here, take it away, trencher, cups and all!
I pray you, husband, be not so disquiet.
The meat was well, if you were so contented.
I tell thee, Kate, 'twas burnt and dried away...
...and I expressly am forbid to touch it, for it engenders choler, planteth anger...
...and better it were that both of us did fast.
Since of ourselves, ourselves are choleric, then feed it with such over-roasted flesh.
Did you marry me to famish me?
Tomorrow shall we eat, my honey love, when we return unto thy father's house.
Oh, no, you don't!
Come. I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.
- You louse! - Attend thy mistress.
Thus have I politicly begun my reign and 'tis my hope to end it successfully.
My falcon now is sharp and passing empty...
...and till she stoop, she must not be full-gorged.
She eat no meat today, nor none shall eat.
Last night, she slept not, nor tonight she shall not.
As with the meat, some undeserved fault I'll find about the making of the bed...
...and here I'll fling the pillow, there the bolster...
...this way the coverlet and another way the sheets. Aye!
And amid this hurly, I intend...
...that all is done in reverent care of her.
This is a way to kill a wife with kindness.
And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humor.
He that knows better how to tame a shrew, now let him speak.
'Tis charity to show.
My bonny Kate.
My winsome Kate!
I' faith, the woman shot her bolt.
She has performed while I did act the dolt.
There's a madman outside with an ambulance. Insists on seeing you.
Sorry. So does my audience.
Where's my little girl? Where's Lilli?
Please. There's a show on. He'll be right with you.
Keep an eye on her.
You ought to be tarred and feathered!
- Get Jeanie ready. - Where I come from...
...a man don't strike a woman. - She hit me first.
That's a lie. Why, that little girl wouldn't hurt a fly.
If you'd care to step over here, you'll see the little girl in action.
- What's she doing on that loading chute? - Winding up.
But I don't get it. How come...?
How come she asked me to bring an ambulance?
My dear Tex...
...you don't understand the artistic temperament.
You've been spending too much time with your cows.
She may even say to you tonight:
"Darling, I'm playing the show under duress. Call the FBI."
- A very efficient organization. - Yeah. We know them personally.
- Why would she want the FBI? - Why would she want an ambulance?
All right, drop Scene .
Come on, kids, let's go. You're on. Come on.
Oh, Tex, thank heavens you're here.
- Quick, call the FBI. - The FBI?
Now, look, honey. I don't mind bringing an ambulance and a stretcher...
...but Mr. Hoover's a pretty busy man. - But you don't understand!
- These thugs are threatening me! - What thugs?
These two. They're making me play at the point of a gun.
I thought they were actors.
They're gangsters, I tell you. They won't let me leave the theater.
Are you referring to two of the most promising graduates of the Abbey Players?
Not to mention Civic Repertory, the Theater Guild and others.
And he's in cahoots with them!
- They sure look like actors. - They're not actors, I tell you.
Lilli, you ought to be ashamed.
Dragging this poor boy away from the stockyards just for a whim!
- Whim? Whim?! I'll show him my bruises! - You can't. You're not married yet.
We will be, as soon as we get back to Texas. Everything is all set.
- Our plane is ready to go. - Tex, angel, I keep telling you...
...I cannot get out of the theater! - Why not?
Those two apes won't let me.
Of course she can leave the theater. Can't she, boys?
Well, yeah, she wouldst, but she can'tst.
All right. Go ahead, if that's what you want.
After all, what's in the theater to hold you?
It's all so tawdry, the dreary business of creating a part.
...silly pictures in the papers. Those boring parties...
...and the ridiculous people who stare and whisper:
- "There goes Lilli Vanessi." - I never want to see the theater again...
...or you again!
You're right, Lilli, you're absolutely right.
Get out while you still have a chance for happiness.
Real happiness with this fine boy here.
- Thanks, friend. - You're welcome, partner.
I must say, I envy you, Lilli.
The life that you lead with Tex...
So different from the one you had with me.
I'll see to that.
- No quarrels. No bickering. - I want peace.
And you shall have it.
Peace, quiet, solitude.
Oh, we've got plenty of that.
Why, you can ride for nigh on to two weeks and see nary a soul.
Why, just think.
- You can spend all day in the saddle. - Oh, that's right.
- I'm mad about horses. - And eventually you'll stop falling off.
Oh, she'll love the roundup.
And the cattle branding.
Why, I can see it now:
Up at and in the saddle.
The dew is on the sage. A brisk -mile canter to the branding corrals.
- That's right. - Steer roped and waiting.
- Branding irons are sizzling. - Yeah.
You take one from the fire and you hand it to the little woman.
Ye... I do?
She grabs the struggling critter.
She grits her teeth and the steam hisses.
The red-hot metal comes closer and closer.
She grinds it into their shrinking hides.
And the smell.
The smell of burning flesh fills the air!
I can't stand it.
I think he swooned.
Now, get out of here.
Take your branding irons with you. Go on, get out, all of you.
- Ralph, where's Jean? - Coming up!
Just put her down very gently, sir. You'll be all right, madam.
There's been a misunderstanding. Here's something for your trouble.
Thank you very much, sir.
- Tex Callaway. - Howdy, ma'am. I...
- Imagine meeting you here. - Well, I...
Don't you remember me, sweetie?
At the Shamrock in Houston.
I got something in my eye and you took me all the way to El Paso to take it out.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you made a mistake.
I still have that side of beef you gave me.
I think of you every time I look in the freezer.
I'm sorry, but you must have the wrong man.
Wrong man, my foot. I never forget a wealthy face.
- Trying to annex Texas, huh? - Excuse me.
Oh, Bill, no!
Bill, wait a minute. Wait.
Bill, wait a minute! I can explain! Come back!
Oh, Bill, how could you?
What a terrible thing to say when a girl is good-hearted and normal...
...and tries to get along with her fellow man.
All right, kids, you better get ready.
Bill! Bill, sweetie!
Say, pop. Will you tell Miss Vanessi...
...l'll wait for her on the buckboard? - Yes, sir.
- Thank you. - Oh, no, thanks.
Yeah. Hello, Gumpy.
Yeah, I would like to converse with Mr. Hogan.
He's in conference? With who?
You mean the big boss from the South Side?
What are they talking about?
- The North Side. - He's probably trying to muscle in.
- Mr. Hogan wouldn't stand for it. - No.
Well, look, it's very important I should speak to Mr. Hogan.
He's tied up?
To a chair?
Well, can you give him a message?
- He already got one. - Poor Mr. Hogan.
So long, Mr. Graham. I guess this is the end...
...of our very, very pleasant association.
Yeah. Like I said before, Mr. Graham...
...going away is such sweet sorrow.
- What do you mean? - The debt is canceled.
And so is Mr. Hogan.
His unidentified remains will be found floating in the river tomorrow.
Except for the fact he'll be slightly weighted down with cement.
Rest his soul.
Why, Miss Vanessi.
We wish to say farewell to you, Miss Vanessi.
You are free to go. You do not have to finish the show.
- Oh? - That's right. You can fly to Texas...
...and marry that jerk.
It has been a very delightful experience, ma'am.
We will not forget you soon, Miss Vanessi.
Should old acquaintance be forgot.
- How do you like that? A slug. - Yeah.
- Think we better step out of these longies. - Oh. Yeah.
Mugsy Higgins might get the wrong impression.
Will you wish me luck?
It won't work, Lilli.
You belong in the theater. We both do.
The theater. That's all you care about.
You don't need me. You've got an understudy.
No one could ever take your place, Lilli.
- You read those lines very well. - Lf I do, it's because I mean them.
With all my heart.
Now, what script did you steal that from?
It was a good script, Lilli.
About two people who fell in love and were married.
It should have had a longer run.
- Maybe it was bad casting. - No, Lilli.
The leading lady was great.
It was the...
...leading man. He just wasn't big enough for the role.
Mademoiselle Lilli, Mr. Callaway is waiting.
He's depressed. His doll took a powder.
- It's a dirty shame. - Yeah.
She's got breeding.
She was a real classy broad.
Well, cheer up.
You still got your hair.
Yeah, and you still got your career, Mr. Graham.
Just remember what the immortal bard once said:
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."
So remember this:
Gentlemen, thou art divine.
- Prithee. - Finale, Mr. Graham.
- All right. Well, we'll see you, boys. - Yeah. So long.
- Take good care of yourself. - Say, good luck! Good luck, buddy!
Thanks, pal! Good luck to you too!
- What a swell guy. - Yeah.
My dear Bianca and her newfound spouse!
Feast with the best and welcome to my house.
Signor Petruchio, my daughter Katherine...
Where is Katherine?
Where is she?
By now, she should be flying over Newark.
Where is the maiden?
Go you to mistress Katherine and tell her I command her to come to me.
I know she will not come.
The fouler fortune mine and there an end.
Jeanie's going on.
Now, by my holy dame, where is my daughter?
- Where's Jeanie? - I don't know. She was dressed.
I'll find her.
What is your will, sir, that you send for me?
What is thy will, sir?
That's your cue, Fred.
I charge thee, tell these headstrong women...
...what duties they owe their lords and husbands.
I am ashamed that women are so simple...
...to offer war where they should kneel for peace.
Or seek to rule, supremacy and sway...
...when they are bound to serve, love...
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth...
...unapt to toil and trouble in the world...
...but that our soft conditions and our hearts...
...should well agree with our external parts?
So hold your temper, wives, and...
And meekly put your hand beneath your lord and husband's foot.
In token of which duty, if he please...
...my hand is ready.
Ready may it do him ease.
Why, there's a wench!
Come on and kiss me, Kate.
Come, Kate, and we'll to bed.
A pox upon the life that late I led!