Kissing Jessica Stein Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Kissing Jessica Stein script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the lesbian comedy movie starring Jennifer Westfeldt and Heather Juergensen.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Kissing Jessica Stein. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Kissing Jessica Stein Script



For the sin we have

committed by gluttony.



And for the sin we have

committed by succumbing to despair.



For the sin we have committed

by stubbornness.



And for the sin

we have committed...



by rashly judging others.



Sweetheart, do you see

that guy in the corner...



with the dark hair

and the blue yarmulke?



Absolutely gorgeous.

That's Ben Feldman, M&A, J.P. Morgan.



He has no chin!



- Shh!

- He recently separated from his wife.



- Some "shikseh" from Idaho.

- She could do better. She could!



- You could do better.

- Mother.



Mother, would you stop

feeding her perfectionism?

You did the same thing with Larry.



- I didn't like him either.

- What's not to like? The man was a prince.



- I didn't care for him.

- What do you mean?



- He wasn't the one, okay?

- "Oy", the one.

- He had no sex appeal.



Mother, "sha!"

He's right over there.



Marriage is

the hardest thing we do.



She is    years old. She hasn't

dated in a year. I'm afraid...



- she'll be alone forever--

- Mom, would you shut up? I'm atoning!






Peter, I'm telling you,

trust me on this one.



- It means "speechless, without words".

- I think "unimpressed".



- No, "speechless, perplexed".

- Are you sure on this?



- I'm sure. Everybody gets this wrong.

- I'm almost positive here.



- Howard, define "nonplussed".

- "Speechless, perplexed".



Oh, thank you, Howard.



- Oh, and Howard, that cellist with the thing?

- Two umlauts. Both "U"s.



Right, right, right.

Oh, my God! Hi!



- Hi. Thank you.

- Congratulations.



- Okay, you're glowing. Are you thrilled?

- Let's see.



I can't drink, smoke

or eat sushi for nine months.



- Honestly, I'm panicked.

- Oh, my God. Did you guys celebrate last night?



- It's so exciting.

- Yeah. Oh, God. Matthew's so excited.



- Meyers, I gotta talk to you.

- Hey, Stein. Chuck, did you get my e-mail?



- Yeah. Uh, "deep-seeded". Who knew?

- Right.



It has nothing to do with seeds.

Refers to how deeply something is set.



- Sorry about that, Josh.

- Oh, shit!



- No problem. Don't worry about it.

- What is this?



- What did you do to this?

- What is what?



This profile. You gutted it.

You totally gutted it.



It was sappy and long-winded.

You practically went down on the guy.



Went down on the guy?

Okay, you know what, Meyers?



This is one of the great

directors of our time.



I think he merits

a little praise in the lead.



- It's an article, Stein, not a puff piece.

- It's a tribute.



This is an artist. We can't

afford an adjective for him?



Not one? I think it was a really

good piece. It was well written,



- it was clear, it had heart...

- Stein?



- Stein? Your phone is ringing.

- Yeah? What?



Your phone is ringing.



- Jessica Stein.

- Hey, Jessie!



Oh! Hey, Danny.

I'm sorry.



- I got some news.

- Are you okay?



Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just--



You can't tell

Mom and Dad yet, okay?



- Oh. Yeah, okay.

- Are you sitting down?



I proposed to Rach!

I'm getting married!









"It is not inertia alone...



"that is responsible for human

relationships repeating themselves...



"from case to case,



"indescribably monotonous

and unrenewed.



"It is shyness before any sort of new,

unforeseeable experience...



"with which one does not think

oneself able to cope.



"But only someone

who is ready for everything,



"who excludes nothing,



"not even the most




will live the relation

to another as something alive."



God, this is great.

This is great.



I am so glad that

you asked me to do this.



I mean, it was so bold of you

to come up to me at the gym.



I mean, I thought

I'd finally give it a shot.



Sometimes, you seem

so focused on your workout,



- I wasn't sure if you'd talk to me.

- Oh, no.



That's just the whole "gestalt"

of the gym thing.



I mean, it's so

narcissistic and shallow.



I think we all try to maintain

a certain anonymity while we're there.



No, I have to disagree

with you there.



I really "love" working out.



I mean, granted, it is

a little narcissistic, as you say,



but I really get a high,

you know,



from all those "endorphmins"

pumping and all.



So, um, you're a writer.



That's, uh--

That's amazing.



- Hi. Hi.

- Hey! Hey!



- I'm sorry I'm so late.

- No, you're right on time.



- What? I'm an hour late.

- No, no.



You are right on time.



Hey, "tarbender",

the lady'll have a, uh--



Uh, I will have a frozen strawberry

margarita with salt, please.



Well, I see great minds

think alike.



Uh, we split the salad. But I think,

as I recall, you ate a little bit more,



including more of the arugula, which

is one of the more expensive greens.



I didn't have any of the

goat cheese. I'm allergic.



No dessert.

Easy enough.



That leaves your portion at $  .  

and mine at $  .  .



Beautiful. Perfect.



You have exact change?



It's so funny, Jessica.



But I go out with a lot of girls.

A lot.



And I just-- I don't know.

I just feel so--



so comfortable with you,

so at home, so free to be myself.



Normally, I'm a pretty

"self-defecating" guy.



Let me tell you something.

You're "phat".



I'd love to see you twirl

in that dress.



- With a P-H.

- Twirl.



Oh, okay.



- As it were, per se.

- I like the way your hair...



goes around your head like that.



- You know what I mean?

- You know? You know?



- Whoops! I spilled some.

- What's not to get?



I think we're connecting,

and I'd like to represent you...



as your accountant

and your boyfriend,



if that's--

that's at all possible.



Okay, the "New Yorker" loves us.

The reviewer is creaming in her pants.



- So exhale, please. Okay?

- Okay.



His back has been like

solid concrete all night.



Your boyfriend has on

his serial killer face again.



He's scaring

some of the guests.



He's been

a little needy lately.



I'll talk to him.



Oh, hon.

You are late.



I'm sorry. My cab driver was Ukrainian,

and my Slav is only so-so.



So, you wanna do

something later?



- I'm gonna be at the library later...

- Oh, yeah?



- in the   th century archive, nude,

- Mm-hmm.



with a bookmark dangling

precariously off of my dick.



So I'll be waiting for you.



Oh. Should I bring anything?



Just your

unbelievable body...



and a photo I.D.

and a library card.



- Pickup.

- Oh, yeah. It's right this way, please.



Oh, where have you been?

I've been waiting for you all day.



They got me mad busy today.



- Martin, where's Helen?

- Delivery.



Wait. I'm still working.



Sorry, sweetie. Line one.



Jesus Christ.

Okay. Got it.



Helen Cooper.



Why are you always doing these things

to destroy this relationship?



We're not in a relationship.

We're in a situation.



- You have to stop right now.

- Yes, and I'm sure your wife

feels the same way.



Listen, I gotta

baby-sit this show.



What are you doing later?

How's   :   for you?



How's right now for you?



Thanks very much.



How does this art

make you feel?



Does it turn you on?

Does it make you hot?



Does it scare you?

Does it minimize you as a man?



- You're really gonna do this?

- I've decided.



You've decided, or was it that article

in "New York Magazine" last month?



- I've decided.

- Mm-hmm.



I just think it's time,

you know?



- It's the one thing I haven't experienced.

- Of course it's time, sweetie.



You go on with your frisky self,

and don't let Mr. Fuddy-Duddy

piss on your parade.



- Thank you.

- Mar?



What is the problem?

She is trying new things.



Sure. Today,

sexual preference.



- Tomorrow, Henna tattoos.

- Okay.



So, let's see.

Oscar Wilde is too flip.



Emily Dickinson is too trite.

It has to be just so.



Maybe George Eliot.



- Why do I have to have a quote again?

- Well, let's see.



If it's brainy enough, it'll weed out

the real unwashed masses.



And if it's well chosen,

you come across as someone...



who understands the plight

of your prospective partner--

the plight of humanity.



And by couching that understanding

in the words of a great writer,



you appear sophisticated,

but earnest.



- Grounded, but hopeful.

- Oh, my God!



Sweetie, you're gonna have more pussy

than you know what to do with.



- Here, take a look.

- Rilke?



Rilke's very profound.




So the first thing you wanna do is say,

"For friendship or more".



Wait. Why?



Because then you have access to

all the bi-curious straight girls.



Straight girls?

But Bas--



Trust me.

Virgin flesh? "Mangia".



Bring that.

Let's go.



"Professional E-E, U-W-S,



V-G-L, N-S, D-W-M,

seeking same."



- What could that mean?

- I'm not really versed

in single scene acronyms, so...



- Oh. Listen to this one.

This guy used a quote.

- That is so cheesy.



"It is not inertia alone

that is responsible...



"for human relationships

repeating themselves.



"It is shyness before..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah.



- This one stinks.

- Actually, I think it's Freud.



Rilke. Uh,

one of those, I think.



Oh. Sorry. Guess I should read on.

"But only someone...



Does he, um,

describe himself?



Esoteric quote man?

Let's see.



Oh. That's

women seeking women.



You know what, guys?

Um, I really have a lot of work to do.



- Would you mind terribly...

- No. No, no, no.



Thanks. Sorry.



Jess? Charles can make it

tonight after all.



- So you're gonna get to meet him.

- Oh, good.



That would be great.




Hey, Joan, is it okay

if I bring a date tonight?



- Sure. The more, the merrier.

- Great. I'll see you tonight.



You invited Josh?




Hey, it's Hel.

Leave it at the beep.



Hi. My name's Nan,

and I'm calling about your ad.



I'm looking for someone

with a big heart, an open mind,



and an adventurous spirit.



Also, in the long term, I'm looking

for someone to mother a child with me.



Would you be into that?



- Be quiet. You get it.

- Come on. It'll be adorable.



It's not adorable. You are totally

loving this, aren't you?



Please. I'm     pounds

and I wake up vomiting.



I have to live

through someone.



- Go. He's looking.

- This is embarrassing.



- Okay. Be quiet.

- He's staring. It's gonna be weird.



- Hi. I'm Charles.

- Hi.






Hey, it's Hel.

Leave it at the beep.



Hi, Helen. I'm calling

about your ad.



I would really like to meet you

as soon as possible,



because you sound

really special.



And to tell you the truth,

I'm hangin' on by a thread here,



and I could really use

someone special.



So, just call me, okay?



Oh, my God. Whatever.

I'm so happy...



to be eating a meal with intelligent

people. You have no idea.



That's us?



I know, right? So thank you all

for not being freaks or morons...



or using words incorrectly.



Bless you all.



Tell me about it.

Most people I meet at the salon...



are totally "malcompetent".



So, Charles,

what about you?



Have you had a horrible time

out there too?



- Oh, I don't know. I do okay.

- Yeah?



Actually, I just met

somebody pretty special.



Um, her name's Michelle.

And it's early, but...



- I don't know. It feels right.

- Charles.



I thought you were single.

Didn't you tell me that, honey?



Uh, I thought so.



I'm sorry. Is this

supposed to be a setup?



No, no. No way.

Not a setup.



Just a friendly dinner.



- Absolutely. Just a group of friends.

- Yes.



Matthew and I just like to have

our friends know each other.



Well, you know, Jessica,

don't worry about it. I mean, it's--



We've all been through it.

It's just a jungle out there.



Yeah, especially for Stein.

I mean,



she always has trouble meeting people

who are good enough for her.



Yeah. God, I wish

I had your luck, Josh.



I see you have no trouble

meeting people of your caliber.



You know, Stein, why don't you

cut yourself a break?



It's obviously not the time

to be meeting someone anyway.



- Really? What? Not the season?

- No.



It's just because you're

clearly not open to it.



Excuse me? I'm sorry.

How would you know?



Well, I do have

a little history to draw from.



But even if I didn't,

you've known Charles here...



for about an hour,

and in that time...



you've insulted and dismissed

a panoply of men...



based on factors as reductive

as a linguistic misstep,



a different view from yours

on going Dutch, a kind reaction

to your legendary lateness,



and a genuine

interest in yoga.



You know, I think

it was Anais Nin who said,



"We don't see things

as they are.



We see things as 'we' are."



Generally, I'm not much

of a Nin fan,



but I do feel that bit

sums you up to a "T", Stein.



So I don't think the problem's

with these poor men--



these freaks and morons,

as you put it.



I think the problem

is with "you".






Uh, Jessica? I...



- Hi. I was just looking for you.

- Hi.



- Helen. Hi.

- Right. Hi.



- Good to meet you.

- I'm sorry I'm so late.



- I'm always late.

- Don't worry about it. Come sit.



I hope you didn't

wait long.



No. Well, I was just

starting to get worried...



...that maybe you weren't

gonna show at all.

- Yeah. Yeah.



Helen, right?



Um, you know, gosh. I should've

said this on the phone...



and I didn't, and...



I'm sorry that I didn't, but...



you should really know that...

this isn't me.



- It isn't?

- Not at all.



I'm sorry.






- Shit!

- Which part of it isn't you?



Oh. Uh, all of it.



So why did you...



Um, yeah, you know what?

The truth is,



I've been trying to be a little

less me lately, and that's why this.



But, really,

I'm still me, see?



I see. Well, look.



We don't have to do a whole big--

We could just get a drink.



- Yeah, I don't think so. Taxi!

- Oh, come on.



You don't wanna go

to your dinner so frazzled.



My-- Oh, my dinner.

Right. Right.



Yeah, I think a little red wine

would really help to, you know--



Look, um,

you seem really nice.



I just--

I made a mistake.



I have to go.




Oh, my--



- Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

- Oh! Oh.



- Oh, God. I-- You know what?

- Don't be silly.



- I, uh--

- Let me help you.



I missed my yoga class this morning,

and I'm not my usual centered self.



Do you do--

Do you do yoga regularly?



- Is that something...

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Every day, actually.



I find it keeps me

really strong and energized...



and, uh, usually graceful.




I've heard that.



- Have you never tried it?

- Oh, no, no, no.



I don't think I could sit still

and breathe for long.



- I'd panic.

- So what do you like to do for exercise?



Oh, um,

I like basic exercise.



I like to run or walk.

Just keep moving, you know?



I feel like as long as

I'm moving, I'm safe.



- What do you do when you're sleeping?

- I'm a terrible insomniac.



Oh, I'm so sorry.

Since when?



Um, I don't know.




Well, listen, if you ever change

your mind and wanna try a class,



- I'd be happy to...

- Yeah, I don't think so.



Oh, well,

don't decide right now.



Just let it marinate

for a while.



Um-- Okay.



I, uh, I will

let it "marinate".



I am never gonna

get a cab.



Maybe just one drink.



Okay, just--

I have, like,    minutes.



Well, wait, wait. This Larry,

that must've been pretty serious,



- if he proposed?

- Oh, no, no. I mean-- No, it was.



- It was.

- Well, what happened?



I-- It wasn't right.



He just wasn't funny,

you know?



- Oh, bummer.

- I think that's been my big thing.



Not smart or not funny,

or not smart "and" not funny.



Or smart,



but funny in a totally

unappealing way.



You know? Just like

funny/stupid, or funny/dopey,



but not funny/witty or funny/ironic

or funny/goofy, you know?



Or they seem smart, and then

you realize that they aren't at all.



And that's funny,

but funny/tragic.



So anyway,

if you're then lucky enough...



to find someone who's the good kind

of smart and the good kind of funny,



then generally

they're just kind of--



- Ugly.

- Ugly.



Ugly. I'm sorry.



- Yes, a little. Is that--

That's awful, right?

- No.



Ugly doesn't do it for you.

That's okay.



- Me, I'm kind of into ugly.

- What?



As long as it's sexy-ugly.



Sexy-ugly? I--




Well, you can't. It just is,

you know? Sexy-ugly.



Okay, well, um,



could you, um--

could you give me a celebrity...



- who would fall into the category?

- Um, yeah.



Hold on a second.

I'll get you one. Um--



Angelica Huston?



- Is that kind of the right idea?

- Yeah, I guess.



I was gonna say Mick Jagger.

He's the big one.



Oh, Lyle Lovett, um,

James Woods, Harvey Keitel.



Very sexy-ugly.



- Oh.

- Yeah.



So, uh--

So you're not--



I mean, you've tried--



Um, you've dated men.



- Of course.

- Oh, good!



- What?

- Good. I'm-- No, I'm relieved.



I just--

I assumed that you had...



Oh, I have... also.



- Oh.

- Yeah, I, um...



I just find a lot of

different things sexy.



Oh. I don't.



So, should we settle the tab?



- What?

- Yeah, it's, um,  :  . Don't you have a...



- Oh, uh, no.

- You don't?



- No. I lied.

- But I thought...



I know a great Indian place.



- Helen? Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah?



- Sure.

- What color lipstick are you wearing?



Well, it's three different kinds.

I blend.



- Really?

- Yeah.



- Really? Wow.

- Would you like to know the--



- Would you feel comfortable?

Is that something...

- No, of course.



I'd love to share.

I start with Mac Viva Glam III,



- Uh-huh. Right.

- which is a great base,



- and then I add

Prescriptive's Poodle on top.

- I love Prescriptive's.



- Isn't it the best?

The moisture and the spray.

- It has the best texture.



And then I finish with Philosophy

Supernatural Nude, which is more of a...



- Of a glossy kind of thing?

- Exactly. For the shine.



Right. Right.




- That's it.

- Wow.



Well, it looks, um,

just beautiful on you.



Oh, thank you.

Hey, you should try it yourself.



It would look gorgeous

on your complexion.



Oh, thank you.

But, um--



Yeah, the blending thing is a little

labor-intensive for me, you know?



I'm kind of looking

for that "one".



Well, you'll never find it.



I'm telling you: blend.



- All right, so tell me again.

- Okay.



- Roland, Steven and Craig--

- Greg.



Greg. Right, okay.

And, do you have a favorite?



Um, no, not particularly.



Well, does one of them

get more time than everyone else?



- Or, you know, a favorite one?

- No.



I mean, basically,

I call Roland when I'm hungry,



Steven when I'm bored,

and Greg when I'm horny.



- Who do you call when you're sick?

- I don't get sick.




Good system.



That's crazy!

Who doesn't do e-mail?



I hate computers.

I object to them.



- But you must use them at the office.

- Yes.



At work I'm forced to,

but never at home.



I mean, even at the office I don't

send e-mails. I just receive them.






- What?

- Have you discussed this

with your therapist?



Oh, no.



- There's too much on the agenda already.

- Like what?



Um, just the usual.



Older, nothing to show for it, no kids

or anything, why am I on the planet?



Like that.

God, they're so crazy.



- Um, no more so than anyone else.

- What?



A little more so, I'd say.



- I don't think so.

- But they are, objectively.



I think they're, you know,

just doing their thing.



They don't do anything.

They play the tambourine all day

and ask people for money.



- They have no goals.

- I think they have a pretty lofty goal.



Oh, really? What?

New robes?



- Spiritual enlightenment, happiness.

- Come on.



- They're weird. Look at them.

- They're happy.



- They're happy.

- What?



Some people smoke pot. Some people

bungee jump. Some people chant.



- What do you do to be happy?

- Nothing. I'm not. Wait, wait, wait.



I have a job. I mean, I'm

accomplishing something in the world.



Oh, really?

What are you accomplishing?



I'm-I'm bringing

the news to people.



You know, information?

I'm being a grown-up.



I'm not just out for me and my

enlightenment. What they do is selfish.



Selfish? They are dealing

with their stuff and the energy

they put out to the universe.



That's a lot more valuable

than being miserable all the time.



Wait a second.

I'm sorry.



Are you saying that

my life has no value?



No! I am saying that maybe

underneath all the neurosis,



you have a profound capacity

for happiness that you're

not allowing to exist.



- How do you know? You just met me.

- You can't possibly know...



who you are or how you'll respond

to something until you try it.



I happen to disagree. I happen

to think if you know yourself well,



you can gauge how

you're gonna react to something.



And I can pretty much assure you

that I will never be made happy...



by chanting for

spiritual enlightenment.



- Or maybe you would. You can't know.

- Trust me. I know.



- You know?

- Yeah, I know.



- You know how you'll react to everything?

- Pretty much, yes.



I guess you're right.



You seem to know yourself

pretty well.



Come on. Since when

does she care about what I think?



Josh, she left before dessert.

I think she was a little upset.



- Well, did you talk to her over the weekend?

- I left her three messages.



She didn't return any of my calls.

I think she's devastated.



Hey, you guys!



I brought doughnuts.



Look, Stein, you know,

I just wanna apologize

for what I said on Friday night.



Oh, hey, no problem.

You had an opinion and you expressed it.



- Maybe you were right.

- No, I mean, really. I mean, who am I to...



What did you say?



I said,

maybe you were right.



Right. Glad there are

no hard feelings.



- Yeah. Oh, hey, Josh?

- Yeah.



Do you ever use

"marinate" as a verb?



I mean, no, not as a verb. As a verb

in other arenas than food preparation?



- What do you mean? Like, "to sit with"?

- Right, right, right.



To sit with something.

To let something marinate.



- No.

- Oh. I love it.



You know what?



Don't worry about it.



- Hi.

- Hi.



- Hi. Come in, please.

- Hi.



- Oh, thank you.

- Hi.



- Hi.

- Wow.



- You look great.

- Oh, no, thank you.



No. You-You do.

I'm a mess, actually.



- Those shoes are gorgeous.

- Oh, thanks for noticing.



- Are they Nine West?

- No, Kenneth Cole.



- Oh, you're kidding! Oh.

- No.



Well, they're very sexy.



They suit you.



Uh, can we cut to the chase

for a sec?



Just get the hard topics

out of the way.



Um, sure.

What's on your mind?



Um, well,



it's just that-that...



whenever I've thought

about lesbianism in the past,



I've always said, "Ew",

you know?



Just, "Ew. Can't go there.

Can't get excited."



- I mean, what would we do? You know?

- Right, right.



- I mean, this is your big issue.

- Right, right.



But I had such a wonderful time

with you the other night.



- Oh, me too.

- I really did.



And I've been

marinating on things.



And, anyway...



I have taken the liberty of getting some

informational materials on the topic,



- and I wondered if I might...

- Oh, of course.



Okay, okay.

Well, uh--



This one leaflet was

particularly intriguing to me.



"Lesbian Sex:

Hot, Safe and Sane".



- Do you know it?

- Uh, no. But please, share.



- I'd love to see it.

- Okay.



Well, um, I was surprised to learn

that lesbians accessorize.



I didn't know that.

So, for example,



on page   --

I dog-eared it--



they show some of the higher-tech

lesbian accoutrement.









- Wow.

- Yeah.



So, gosh, um,

how would this work?



Well, I think I would just

strap that on and...



Oh, no, no, no.

That's not fair.



We should certainly trade off

and share the load...



in terms of

giving and receiving.



But that doesn't address the actual

gross-out factor, if you will.



- Oh, no offense. No offense.

- Oh.



- No, none taken.

- Okay, 'cause, I mean, look at you.



Who wouldn't wanna

have sex with you, right?



I mean, do you.

But, um--



Look, Jess, let's not put the cart

before the horse here...



with all the high-tech stuff, you know,

'cause we don't need any of that.



We don't?



I myself have

always preferred...



the standard, organic,

old-fashioned way.




You're right.



So that'd be just--



Well, it's basically the same

as with a man,



except minus one thing,

you know?



Right, right.

Yes, well, right.



And let's face it, it's the other stuff

that works for women anyway, right?



Yes, well, that is, um--

that is true.






Nice place.






- Is that Barry White?

- Uh, no.






- I'm gonna have to go slow, okay?

- Oh, okay.



- Whatever you need.

- Okay, great.



- Okay. It's okay.

- Sorry.



Is this with tongue?



I think we should just

play it by ear.



- Just see how it goes.

- Okay.



- Okay.

- Okay, great.






- Sorry.

- Is that too much?



- Just a bit. Sorry.

- Okay, sorry.



- But it was good up until then, right?

- Yeah.



- Oh, my God! Please don't do that.

- That was just your stomach.



I know. I can't

do that ever, really.



- Even with a man.

- Oh.




Okay. Okay.



- Maybe let's just...

- Okay.



That was really good!



- I thought that was,

you know, the best one ever.

- Me too. Definitely.



So, I figure if we

keep going like this,



we'll get there in, like,

two weeks or so.



Yeah, sure.



- There's no real rush.

- Are you sure?



- Yeah, sure. Not at all.

- But you'd really...



- How about ten days?

- Ten days is better.



Okay, good.



What does your therapist

say about all this?



- I could never tell my therapist.

- Why not?



Because it's private.



It's not working out.



- I thought you said you really liked her.

- I did.



- I do. It's just not working out.

- Why not?



- Because she's a cock tease!

- Oh, my.



I mean, a tease.



- A poon tease.

- Right. Right.



And she's nervous

and neurotic and straight...



and not that into it,

and I don't have time.



I took out an ad, for Christ's sake,

and I end up with the Jewish Sandra Dee.



What are the odds? Who do you have

to blow to get some pussy around here?



- You know, enough is enough.

- On to the next.



- Onwards and upwards.

- Right, right.



Plus, she doesn't even get it.

She thinks it's going great.



Schuller Gallery.




Hi. How are you?




No, that's fine.



Why would I mind?

No,  :   is perfect.



Okay, I'll see you there.






Is she   ?



You a little jumpy today, Stein?



- No.

- You got a hot date.



- No.

- Yeah. Who's the guy?



- There is no guy.

- Oh, come on. You're

a terrible, terrible liar.



Trust me.

There is no guy.



So, what does my special

girlfriend say about that?



Well, I can only

tell you one thing.



If I didn't have you,

we'd get on so well.



- We'd get on so awfully well.

- How well we'd get on together.






Please take me with you.



I'm strong.

I can stand anything you can.



It's too much for a woman.



Too much for a woman?



Put your arms

around me, Tom.



We should've seen

"Gimmie Shelter".



I know, I know.

What were we thinking?



Look, are you sure you don't mind?

My office is really close.



It'll only take a second.




Guy on stoop.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.



Wow. I get it.



- Sexy-ugly.

- I still could never.



It's part of my reading series.



- Shit. Shit. What is he doing here?

- Who?



Nobody. My boss.

Come on. Shh.



Right over here.



Hey, Stein. I just can't

keep you out of here, can I?






- I'm Josh Meyers.

- Helen Cooper. We're just...



- Friends from the gym.

- Oh.



- Stein has the pleasure of working for me.

- Oh.



So you must be that "complete asshole"

she's always talking about?



Don't mind her.



She's just working out some

residual anger from college.



- You guys went to college together?

- No.



He went with my brother. I was

a freshman when they were seniors.



- We dated for a year.

- Really?



- Mm-hmm.

- So, what happened?



Well, she didn't think

I was living up to my potential.



- Which was what?

- She thought I was gonna be

the next Hemingway.



Whatever. He was an

extremely talented writer.



Now he's a professional

I dotter and "T" crosser.



- Let's just get--

- We thought Stein was gonna be

the next Georgia O'Keefe,



but she's actually turned out to be

a pretty good "T" crosser herself.



- Okay, a pleasure as always, Josh.

- You paint? I had no idea.



I'm really a hack. I don't at all. We

can go. I just gotta get this one thing.



Listen, can I just

use the bathroom?



Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's, um,



through that door, and it's right at the

elevator, left at the water fountain.



It's, uh, left

at the water fountain.



But it's not-- There's no--

It's not, "You will be wise".



You will gain great wisdom

through some life-altering event.



It's simply, "You are--"

What does yours say?



- Home is where the heart lies.

- Okay, you got an adage.



- Well, so what? I like adages.

- You got an adage.



The whole notion of the

fortune cookie is a sham.



I mean, when does anyone--

Excuse me?



- When does anyone get a fortune?

I'd like to know.

- It's all right.



I'm sorry. There are no fortunes

being dispensed here.



- I mean, it's a misnomer--

- Hey, hey. Sorry to interrupt

this big debate here,



but me and my friends over at the bar

have a little pool going.



Basically, we wanna determine

which one of you is more beautiful.



- Oh, right.

- Who won?



You see, that's the thing. We're

sittin' over there scratching our heads,



- 'cause it's close, you know?

- Right.



We thought we'd come over here and

buy you some drinks, do some research.



- I think we're fine, thanks.

- Oh, no, please join us.

We would love that.



- What?

- Because we were just trying

to settle an argument too.



- Really? What about?

- Well...



- No, it's kind of weird.

- Come on. Tell us.




We were just wondering...



whether a woman who's

only been with men...



could ever be sexually

attracted to a woman?



What do you think?

Do you think she could?



Well, hey,

I think she could. Definitely.



- If she couldn't, she should.

- God!



- What is that about?

- What?



What is that male obsession with

lesbian sex about? I don't get it.



- You know what?

You don't have to answer that.

- Oh, come on!



- It's just... sexy, right?

- Yeah.



It's kind of hard to describe. I mean,

a woman alone is sexy, God bless.



But two women together

is like-- it's like--



- Double sexy.

- Right.



- Double sexy? Wow.

- Yeah, uh-huh.




That's nicely put.



Yeah, that, um,

really is nicely put.



But tell us exactly,



exactly what is it about

two women together...



- that you find so exciting?

- Yeah.



Oh, come on.

You know, their whole--



Their whole thing, you know?

Like, the way they touch.




How do they touch?



You know, when they-- Well, a woman

is soft, so when they touch each other,



it's, like, they're soft.



Women really know

how to touch.



But what would they do,

I wonder?



Who cares what they'd do!



Just two women's bodies

together is just hot!



Their hips, their legs, their belly

buttons. I mean, it's all good.



And obviously, two women together

would know how to...



They know how everything

works in there.



Like how what works?



- Jess, what's the matter?

- Nothing. Uh, nothing.



It's just I have

a slight leg cramp.



Oh. You really should

get that looked at.



- Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for the concern.

- No problem.



Um, you know what, guys? I think

we really, really have to get going.



- Oh, no!

- Can't we get you a drink or something?



Uh, no, no. You know what? I'm

a little worried about Jessica's leg.



- Yeah.

- And I really think I should get her into bed.



- Mm-hmm.

- Well, it was nice meeting you.



- Take care.

- Bye.



You see?

That's the thing about women.



They really know how

to take care of each other.



Oh, come on!



Shit! Oh, my God.

Are you expecting somebody?



- No!

- Fuck.



Greg! Oh, my God.

What are you doing?



- I know you ain't been trying

to avoid me and shit.

- No, no.



Hi. Hi.

I'm Jessica.



I'm-I'm Greg.

How you doin'? I'm sorry. I didn't--



Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

I was just going.



- No, wait! No, you're not.

- Yes, yes, yes, I was.



We just saw a movie, Greg, and I was

just gonna use Helen's bathroom...



because the line in

the theater was so long.



But I just did, so I'm good.

And now I'm gonna get going,

so you guys should carry on.



Wait, wait. Jess, you, um, forgot

that juicer you wanted to borrow.



- So I'll just get it for you. Excuse us.

- What? No, no, I...



What are you doing?

We were finally getting somewhere.



I know. I felt it too.

But what if I couldn't get that back?



- What?

- Look, maybe we bit off

more than we can chew here.



- No.

- I mean, you have needs. I get it.



He's really hot. I think you should

go for it. I think you should just--



No, no. Stop talking.

Stop talking.



I want him to leave

and I want you to stay, okay?



- So I'm gonna go get rid of him right now.

- No, no, no.



Wait, wait, wait.

Look, what if he leaves...



and then I

chicken out again,



and you don't get any

and I'm wracked with guilt?



Helen, he's a sure thing

and I'm not, okay?



So just have fun. I adore you.

We'll try again tomorrow.



- Really nice to meet you, Greg. Bye.

- Yeah.



How's the patient?



Oh, this is so humiliating.



Shh, shh, shh.

It's best not to talk. Don't talk.






You'll talk more

for a change.



Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.



You're getting funny.

That must mean you're feeling better.



- Jesus. What's all this?

- Oh, um, options.



I'm a big medicator.



- Oh, my God. That's the best thing ever.

- Yeah.



- Jewish penicillin.

- Mmm.



You have to give me

the recipe.



But you don't need it.

You don't get sick.



Uh, no.

A queen-size bed is perfect.



No, nothing else. Oh, wait a second.

There is something else.



I need a lock and a "Do not disturb"

sign. Yeah, that's it.



Stein, can I just, uh,

talk to you for a second?



- No, I can't talk to you. I'm late.

- No, really.



- I gotta go. I gotta go, sorry.

- Oh, okay.



I just wanted to talk

for a second.



- Have a good weekend, sweetie.

- You too, sweetie.



She is "so" seeing somebody.



- Jessica Stein's desk.

- Yes, hello.



I'm looking for my daughter.

Excuse me. To whom am I speaking?



- This is Josh Meyers, Judy. How are you?

- Joshie!



Joshie! I haven't spoken

to you in ages.



Yeah, I know. It's been

a long time. How are you?



How am I? I'm fantastic. I'm just,

you know, excited about the wedding.



- The what?

- The wedding.



Didn't Jessie tell you?



Uh... no.

No, she didn't.



- Daniel is getting married.

- Oh.



Danny. Uh--

Well, that's wonderful.



Uh, "Mazeltov".



Thank you. I can't believe

that Jessie didn't tell you.



You're invited, of course.

Not to worry.



That's sweet of you, Judy.

You know, um--



How is Danny? I haven't really

talked to him in a while.



Dan is floating on air.

That's how he is.



As a matter of fact,

he's gonna be here in a few minutes.



He's flying in for--

Wait a minute.



Wait a minute.

You'll join us for Shabbat dinner.



You have plans?



- Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

- Hi. Coming to get you.



- What?

- Day ten. I got a hotel.



Oh, yeah. Um, I--

You know what?



I can't. I have a train to catch.

Shabbat dinner in Scarsdale.



- Cancel. Cancel.

- I can't. My brother's in town.



Yes or no, lady?

I don't got all day.



I gotta get out of here.



Oh. Okay. You know what?

You know what?



Let's just-- We'll talk in here.

I can't think.



- But the hotel's right around the...

- We'll figure it out.



I will get my act sorted out.



What are those pants?

I'm so borrowing-- Mom?



Jessie, I just

got off the phone--



- I can't come. Something's come up.

- What?



- Um, no, no. My new friend, Helen,

- Don't be silly.



the one I've told you about, she just

got last-minute house seats to "Cabaret".



And you know I've been dying to go,

so what I'm thinking is...



- I will come up first thing in the morning...

- No, no.



You are coming tonight, and I will

get you tickets for "Cabaret" next week.



- No, Mom, that's impossible.

The run's sold out.

- What is she saying?



- Is your friend right there? Put her on.

- Yes, she's right--



- No. Mom-- No, no, no.




- What?

- Just for a minute.



Sweetheart, put her on

just for a minute, okay?



- She wants to talk to you.

- Yeah.



- You swear? You swear?

- Yes. Give it here.



- Hello?

- Helen, darling.



- It is so wonderful to finally talk to you.

- Yes, hello.



I just happen to have a neighbor

who's got a son who was

a swing in the production,



and I know that I can get you the most

fantastic seats for "Cabaret" next week,



which would be my pleasure.



Not to mention the fact that the lead,

who is this really big deal,



is out all this week-- Can you

believe that-- because he's got...



these soft nodules

on his vocal chords.



So it would be-- It would be

a damn shame for you to go tonight.



You know what you're gonna do?

You are gonna join us for Shabbat dinner.



And we can finally meet. So I am

setting a place for you at this table...



as we speak.



And my husband Sidney is gonna

pick you up at the train in an hour.



- Okay, darling?

- Um, okay.



What happened?



Shabbat dinner in Scarsdale.






Daniel, darling,

you're in your usual seat.



Sidney, Stanley, if you would sit here.

Okay, sweetheart?



That's right, Helen.

Right there.



Oh, and Jess? Would you sit here,

please, between Stanley and me?



Uh, okay, Mom.



Stanley, it's just lovely

to have you here.



- It's lovely to be here. Thank you.

- The pleasure is ours.



And, of course, Helen. Oh, my God.

Jessie has told us so much about you.



And it's wonderful

that you could make it.



Thank you.

It's lovely to be here.



- Wait. Who could that be?

- Why don't you answer it?



Meyers! What the hell

are you doing here?



- I was invited to Shabbat dinner.

- By whom?



- By Judy.

- Wh--



Ah! There he is!

There he is!



- How was traffic? I figured, I figured.

- Oh, it was bad.



- How do you like that?

- How are you, buddy?



- Good, man.

- Good to see you.



- Good to see you too.

- I think you know everyone

here, except Stanley.



- Stanley, this is Josh Meyers.

I didn't get your last name.




- Schoenberg.

- You don't know Helen, Josh.

This is Helen.



Oh, yeah, hi.

We met the other night.



- How are you doing, Helen?

- Good.



So, Helen was just telling us

that this is her first Shabbat.



Oh, it's okay.

We can raise the kids interfaith.



I'm willing to bend.



Well, I did go to a Seder once.



But that's about the extent

of my Jewish education.



Well, we'll do our best to

represent all Jews everywhere.



- Jessie, Kiddush.

- Oh, yes. Okay.



Sing, my love. Sing.



- Amen!

- Good Shabbat!



- And another one.

- Good Shabbat.



- Good Shabbat.

- Good Shabbat.



- Good Shabbat.

- It does me such good to have

all of you at this table,



especially my children...



my beautiful son,

who's a fancy lawyer now,



and then my daughter, who's

"the big deal" at the New York Tribune.



- I'm a copy editor.

- It's a big deal to me.



Is she not gorgeous, Stan?

Look at that punam. Look at that punam.



- She is beautiful.

- Please!



So Helen, Jessica tells us

you own an art gallery?



Oh, Jessica leans

toward hyperbole.



I'm the assistant director

at the Schuller Gallery in Chelsea.



- What kind of work do you show there?

- Contemporary abstracts, right?



- Yeah.

- Yeah, I saw Diana Tompkins'

exhibit last month.



And Stanley is the vice president

of new software development...



- for I.B.M.

- Yeah.



So if you need a great deal on a new

P.C., just let me know. I'm your man.



- Jessica hates computers.

- Oh.



- I'm sorry.

- No, no, no. That's okay.



That's fine.

I just, um--



I just feel like they're numbing

and obscuring our humanity, you know.



Angel, could you help me

in the kitchen, please?



- Sure, Mom.

- Thanks.



We'll be right back.



- She likes to provoke.

- Oh, no. I understand. I like that.



He's adorable, he is bright,

and what's more,



he is your father's

partner's nephew, so you be nice.



- I don't wanna-- I don't wanna be nice.

- Shh, shh.



And for the record, all of your setups

have been disastrous.



- Disastrous? How was I to know

Eric Birnbaum was in rehab?

- Yes, they have.



God. Wan, pale, track marks?

I don't know.



- I thought he had diabetes.

- Jesus Christ.



- Can I help with anything?

- Yes, you can make my daughter

a little less stubborn...



and a lot less picky!



- Oh. Tall order.

- Thanks.



Let me ask you something, Helen.

Isn't Stanley gorgeous?



Oh, yeah.

He's a handsome guy, Jess.



Wouldn't he make a great match?

He would be a great match, wouldn't he?



I think it's a very good match.

And you know what?

I think Jess really likes him.



Yes, yes, clearly.

I'm smitten.




It's not happening.



It's not happening, Mom.



Breathe, Judy, breathe.

What about you, Helen?



How do you like Josh?



Oh, um, he's great,



- but my plate's a little full right now.

- I can imagine.



Beautiful girl like you,

you probably have men falling

all over you left and right.



- I do okay.

- I just wish that Jessie

would meet somebody.



It's been ages since she's met anybody

worthwhile. Is she dating at all?



I think so.

You know, now and again.



But no one special?



You know,

I just don't know.



Keep me posted, will you?



Sometimes, Jessie

is so secretive with me.



- Would you do that for me?

- You know, I'm sure...



if it's someone really special,

she'll tell you.



And our platform is compatible

with the new camera software.



So soon, your local photo shop

will be a thing of the past.



Judy, you hear this? They're putting

photocopiers in the computers now.



- This technology's unbelievable.

- I know.



- Stanley's a genius.

- Well, I didn't actually

invent the thing, but--



You're a genius.




So, Helen, what groundbreaking

project is on your docket next?



Well, actually, I'm curating a show

this summer for new artists.



New artists? Well,

Jessie's work should be in that.



- Mom...

- Have you seen her stuff?

- I haven't. Isn't that funny?



- She is marvelous.

That's her painting over there.

- Mom...



She was the rage at Brown.



- Jess, that's really good.

- Yeah, don't bother. She won't listen.



All right, it's settled.

No one's leaving. The rain's terrible.



We've got warm beds.

Everyone stays. Genug. Enough said.



I hope you girls

don't mind sharing.



No problem.

We'll be okay.



- Right, Jess?

- Yes. Um, yeah. We'll be fine, Mom.



You sure it's big enough?



- I think we'll just fit. Good night.

- Good night.



- Stop it!

- You stop.



- Kids. Good night, Stanley.

- Good night.



Poor Stanley. Didn't know

what he was getting into, huh?



- Those Stein women are tough to please.

- Yeah.



It'd take a better man

than me, clearly.



Well-- So how's

your writing coming?



Oh, you know.




What do you mean?



I decided that I didn't really

wanna be a writer anymore.



I'm much happier tearing down

the work of other writers...



who are not as talented as I am,

but also not as paralyzed.



Any artistic frustration I have now

I just take out on them.



Damn, man.

You got dark.



I know.



This is so weird.



In a month of such normalcy.



We must be very quiet.



Jesus Christ. I feel like we're gonna

be grounded or something.



- Wait, Jess. What are you--

- Shh. Stop talking.



It's day ten.




There's nothin' fucking on.



Jesus. I was supposed

to call Rach.



- You okay down here, man?

- Yeah.



Your mom left sheets.



Okay. All right.

Good night.



Yeah, good night.



- Jesus.

- Can I get some fries with that shake?



Okay, enough is enough.

You never write. You never call.



I don't know you anymore.

Are we breaking up or are you

gonna tell me about him?



- Oh, sweetie, no. I...

- Okay, we're breaking up.



No, no, no, no.

No, um, I...



Okay. Yes, I've been

seeing someone.






I just don't wanna jinx it--

Oh, I'm sorry.



- I don't wanna jinx it by talking about it.

- You know what? Just jinx it.




Okay, just jinx it.



When do we get to meet him?

How about brunch on Sunday

if my water doesn't break?



The thing is, we're kind of

laying low this weekend, he and I.



But, uh--

But maybe next week.



- Not maybe, definitely.

- Okay. Definitely.



Knock, knock.



- Oh. Hi.

- Hi.



Is everything okay?



Yeah, why?



You just-- You don't seem

like yourself lately.



Yeah, well, you know.

You don't either.



Oh. Okay.






- Did you get the wedding invite?

- Yeah.



- They're beautiful, right?

- Yeah.



- Yeah. It's great for Danny.

- Yeah.



- We're excited.

- Well, you should be.



Okay. Well...



- Why can't you be happy for me?

- Because you are an affront

to gay people everywhere,



and I am a gay people.



- Is it so hard to believe that I like her?

- Yes.



- Why?

- Because you like the penis.



Because you have had

more cock than I have,



and I was a big whore

in the '  s.



I'm sorry, ma'am.



Come on, come on. This is not

something that you can just

try on and see if it fits.



I can't just put black shoe polish on

my face and join a gospel choir...



because, I don't know,

I don't feel so white no more.



- Oh, come on. That's a terrible analogy.

- Why? Why is that?



- Because you're born black.

- Exactly my point.



Okay, so what do you think?

It's genius, right?



Who died?



- Apparently, I'm an affront

to the gay community.

- Not this again, Martin.



- Martin, why do you care who I'm with?

- Yes. Why do you care?



- She likes this girl.

- Straight girl.



Straight girl, gay girl. What's

the difference? An orgasm is an orgasm.



If you were blind-folded

and I blew you...



and then Helen blew you,

would you even know the difference?



I don't know. That depends. Does Helen

get tired and stop halfway through?



Okay, too much information.




That happened once, and you were

so drunk that you could hardly even...



Okay. You know what?



Look. The point is, this person

Helen's with seems lovely and smart.



And a very talented artist

who's gonna be in our show.



- Have you met her?

- Well, no.



Why haven't we met her?



How come you never

make noise?



- What?

- When we're having sex.



- What?

- Is it not good?



What? No, it's fine.

It's-- Yeah.



'Cause I can never tell.

You're so quiet.



And, you know, I make noise,

so you know what's working.



Whatever you want me

to do, I'll do.



- So if something's not working...

- You know, it's all fine.

It's all just fine.



Like sometimes when I'm going

down on you, it seems like you like it.



- But then sometimes

it seems like you're annoyed.

- Look, Helen...



You know what? It's not really

the right time to talk about things.



But it's never the right time, especially

at the time, which strikes me as...



- exactly the right time.

- Oh, my God, Jess,

what are you doing here?



- Oh, my God, Joan. Hi. Hi. Hi.

- Hi.



- What are you doing here?

- Shopping, of course.



- Hi.

- Hi.



Joan, this is Helen,

a friend of mine.



- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Hi.



This is Joan,

a friend of mine.



What are you doing below   th street?

I thought you were laying low.



Yes, I was.

I-- We were.



And then, uh,

my friend Helen here...



actually volunteers

for this homeless thing.



And, uh, she-- I had promised

to help her make brownies today.



And so we're getting ingredients

to make the brownies.



You must make

a pretty good brownie.



- Lesbians?

- Jesus Christ, I couldn't

think of one thing to say.



- I couldn't think of anything else.

- I don't believe this.



I know, I know, I know.

It's crazy, right?



It's like this surreal episode.

Are you horrified? Are you?

Do you find me disgusting?



No, no, no,

sweetie, no. God.



- Are you sure?

- Oh, my God. Are you kidding?



- I'm impressed.

- You are?



- I can't even get Matthew

to use the sex toys I buy.

- Oh, my God.



And you're so...




Fuck you, I know. I know.



- Does anyone else know?

- No. No! Are you crazy?



- Don't tell Josh. No matter

what you do, don't ever.

- Yuck, no. No, I won't.



- Okay? Shit.

- God, this is huge.



It's so...



- radical.

- I know.



God. Tell me everything.



How did you meet this person?

What-- How did this--



Oh, don't tell me.



- You answered that ad!

I don't believe it!

- No, no, no, no.



- Oh, my God!

- I know, I know.

I'm a liar and a hypocrite.



- Jessica Stein!

- I know, I know. It was a whim.



You know what? It was just a whim.

It was this wacky, nutty whim.



I mean, you know that

I'm a Rilke fan.



And I read that ad and

I thought it would be nice to

meet someone, just as a friend.



Oh, my God. It's all wrong.

It's all wrong. It's not me.



I'm a Jew from Scarsdale.

This has got to stop.



I gotta call her on the phone

and I gotta stop it.



We have to pretend that

it never-- any-- nothing.



- Stop. Shh! You're hysterical!

- No, I'm not.






What's she like?



- She's great.

- Mmm.



She's, uh,

kind and witty and...



quirky and nurturing

and involved and all that crap.



But she's a girl, you know?

She's-She's thin.



She has thin arms and she's soft

and attentive and it's all wrong.



- How's the sex?

- It's good.



- Really?

- Yeah. Yeah.



- Does she make you laugh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot. We laugh a lot.



- Is she as smart as you?

- Yeah, definitely.



- She gets you?

- She does.



She really does.

I mean,



I think the thing is

we just really click.



- You know?

- Mmm.



Sounds like you definitely

need to put a stop to this.



Am I wearing this?

This is so bad.



For Rachel.

You are wearing this, my love.



- All right. You look beautiful.

- I look beautiful?



Yeah, you totally

look beautiful.



- I look like a heifer in her fifth month.

- Oh, God.



- You wanna eat?

- Yes, I'm starving. Let's get out of here.



Good. I made a reservation just next

door. And I left a message for Helen.



- What?

- There she is.



- What?

- I left a message for Helen

in case she wants to join us.



- Hi, dear. How are you?

- Hi.



What's all this?



- Very funny.

- No, really, what's going on?



These are our dresses,




For the wedding.

For Daniel's wedding.



Didn't I tell you?

My brother's getting married.



- No, you didn't.

- You didn't tell her?



- Oh, no, I did. I was sure that I had.

- When?



- When did I tell you?

- No, when is he getting married?



Next weekend.

Didn't you get the invitation?



- Excuse me.

- Oh, my God. Jessie.



- I'm sorry.

-Jessie, what did I say? What happened?



Nothing, nothing at all.

It's, uh--



- Her brother died at his wedding...

- He died?



Yeah. I'm off.

I'll explain later, okay?



Her brother died

at a wedding?



- Please wait.

- Your brother's getting married

and you didn't tell me?



I was sure I told you.

I thought I told you.



Stop saying you told me.

You're a terrible liar.

It's one of your best qualities.



- All right, please don't do this.

- Look. I am so tired of this.



I am so tired of being

left out of half of your life.



- We're in a rela--

- Shh.



We're in a relationship whether

you like it or-- Wait a minute.



- Why am I whispering? This is the point.

- Okay, listen.



We have been through this. I have never,

ever considered anything like this.



But here we are. It's happening, and

it's good, and I'm not ashamed of it.



And if you are,

then we have a problem.



She hates that dress.



Let's not get crazy, you know.

It is good. It's great.



But I'm just not ready to

deal with the complexities of--



- God, you can't even say it.

- Say what?



I have never, ever imagined

doing anything like this.



Well, you are doing something like this.

This didn't just happen to you.



It did. I mean, it feels

like it did, you know?



- I'm sorry. I can't just...

- I can't be with you

and be intimate with you...



and share wonderful

things with you,



and then get shut out of

the most basic things in your life.



What is so terrible

about having privacy in this--



in taking our time

to see if it makes sense?



Because when you don't acknowledge

who I am to people that matter to you,



- it makes me feel like you're ashamed of me.

- I'm not ashamed of you.



- Well, that's how it feels.

- God, what do you want from me?



I want you to take me

to your brother's wedding.



I can't.



I'm sorry.

I just... can't.



Fine. I can't either.



Hey, it's Jess.

Leave me a message.



Okay, we did it.

Hannah Claire Levine.



Eight pounds, six ounces.

I'm sorry we didn't call sooner.



It was  :   a.m. and

it went sort of fast, thank God.



Because it's the worst pain

one will ever know. You can't imagine.



I'm in room     at Sinai.



Oh, my God. Can you believe?



Come by soon. Where are you?



The only woman that loved me

not just in spite of my faults,

but because of them somehow.



I love you, Rachel.



I'm gonna go get some air.



- Helen, hey.

- Oh, Josh. Hi, uh...



- God, you know, I'm flattered,

but it's really not a good time.

- They're for Jessica.



Oh, sorry.



Well, I heard the opening was tonight

and wanted to wish her well. That's all.



That's sweet,

but she's not here.



- You're kidding. Why not?

- Oh, she's got a lot going on.



- You know, wedding stuff,

rehearsal dinner.

- Oh.



I am so stupid. Well, will I

see you there tomorrow?



Uh, no, you won't.



Is that hers?



Oh, yeah.






That's a pretty powerful piece.



Yeah. It's amazing that

someone like Jessica takes

such risks in her work, huh?



She certainly doesn't

anywhere else.



Beautiful toast.



Yeah, it was.



You okay?



Uh, I don't know. No.



What is it, Jess?



It's just sometimes I think

I'm gonna be alone forever.



You can jump in any time.



You're my love, you know that?



My beloved.



But sometimes I worry for you.



I worry for me too.






I will never forget...



when you were

in the fifth grade...



and you were so excited when

you got the lead in the play.



Do you remember that?



- 'Really Rosie'.

- Really Rosie, yeah. I remember.



And you came home after

the first day of rehearsal...



and you turned to me

and you said, "Mommy,



I'm not gonna do it.

I quit."



Just like that.



I turned to you and I said,

"Jessie. Jessie, my love, why?"



And you said, "Because

my costar isn't good enough."



"And if my costar

isn't good enough,



"then the play

won't be good enough.



And I don't wanna be part of

any play that isn't good enough."



And I thought to myself...






"This child will suffer.



How this child will suffer."



And then they gave it to

the "mieskeit" with the glasses.



- Tess Greenblatt.

- Right.



- God, she was terrible.

- Right. And you would have been great.



And you didn't get to do it.

You had to sit there and

watch terrible Tess do it...



with that guy you thought

wasn't good enough,



- who was actually

quite excellent, wasn't he?

- He was. He was very good.



And you know?



I always think that you would have been

so much happier doing that play,



even if it was just okay.



Even if it was great,



just not the best ever.



And maybe,



just maybe,



it would have been

the best ever.



You never know.









I think...



I think she's a very nice girl.



Hey, it's Jess.

Leave me a message.




Hi, it's Josh... Meyers.



And, uh, I just wanted to--



God, I wish you were home.



I'm wearing this. Do you

have any interest in this one?






Aren't they great?

Aren't they gorgeous? Hello, darling.



Hey, how's it going?



- Uh...

- Are you the lesbian?



Helen, darling. We just

want you to know again...



how welcome you are

in our family.



Right, Sid?



- I told her welcome   times already.

- Jesus.



I've been hearing about "the one"

for, I don't know, like    years.



And I thought

it would be a guy.



Right. I know, I know. But look,

I don't even believe that anymore.



I don't believe

there's just one person.



I think there are,

like, seven.



Oh, fuck!

Fuck, fuck! Oh!



- Are you okay? Is it horrible?

- I'm fine.



- Are you sure? Are you having any fun?

- Yeah, I am.



The dress looks good.

I'm gonna be right back.



- I don't know what she sees in her.

- Mother.



- She's fat-chested.

- Jesus, mother.



But at least you're Jewish,

right, dear?



- Uh, no, but I've been to a Seder.

- Well, that's nice.



Hey, guys, congratulations.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.






- Hey.

- Oh, hey, Meyers.



- I've been looking all over for you.

- Oh. Why?



Well, just to, uh--

Did you get my--



- What?

- Uh, nothing.



- What, what, what?

- Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter.



Oh, Helen, dear, have you

thought about the kids issue?



I mean, you could of course each

try artificial inseminating.



Could you excuse me for a minute?

I really have to pee.



- Did you see the view?

- No. I haven't had a chance actually.



Why don't we

just go look at it?



Hi, Helen.



Joan, hi.



- Hi, sorry. I was just, uh...

- I know. Do you smoke?



- No, I don't.

- Good. Neither do I.



- Oh, my God.

- I know.



It's so beautiful.






- Are you cold?

- No, I'm fine.



- Here. Why don't you take my jacket?

- No, really. I'm fine.



Jessica. What?



- Are you okay?

- Yeah. Why?



I just, uh--



I haven't heard you say

my first name in, like, a decade.



Oh, right. Sorry.



- Stein, just take my coat.

- Okay, thanks.



- It's just like kissing a guy.

- No, it's not.



No, it's not.



How's it different?






the lips are softer

and the body's softer.



And there's this non-threatening

but very exciting...



It's kind of

hard to describe.



Wow. Wow.



It's pretty fuckin'

awesome actually.






- Like, a year, right? And that's it.

- Who knows? An hour.



- And then you've impacted

the entire world.

- This is exactly...



I feel like I've always had

this theory along the same lines.



It's really stupid, but I've

always felt if you could be...



- the guy or gal to come up

with a really good quote.

- Right.



But good, like a good one.

A good little nugget.



Like, "Nothing to fear

but fear itself".



- That's a good one.

- Or, "Ask not what your country..."



And then you're done.

I mean, that's like immortality

in one kind of light-bulb moment.



You just go off to some Caribbean island

and drink all day and read and sw--



- What are you doing?

- Uh, I just, uh--



Hey, hey, hey, Meyers.

Take it easy.



- We got plenty, you know.

It's an open bar.

- Yeah. I just--



I know. I needed that

unfortunately badly because...



I have to tell you something

and it's just gonna be hard.






Oh, my God.

Are you firing me?



- Is that why you brought up

the quitting and everything?

- No, no. I'm not firing you.



I went to see

your show last night.



And I brought you flowers

because I knew you were really sad.



But, you know, the truth is that

you've been really happy lately.



I've noticed.

I mean, so happy.



And that's made me really sad.



Inexplicably, deeply sad.



You know? I mean, different than my

general snarky, bitter, tortured thing.



And, uh-- So anyway, I went to see

your show, not knowing exactly why,



and, uh, I saw your piece.



And I stared.



And then I had to get

out of there. I ran home.



And I started writing. I...



Just writing, all night.



Then I wrote all night

and into today.



I mean, that's why I was late.

I was writing.



And you know what?



I was happy doing it.



I was really happy

for the first time in a long time.



And as soon as I felt

this happy thing, l--



I wanted to be with you.



You were the first person

I wanted to be with.



I mean, then it hit me,

and this was around  :   a.m.

You know, it hit me that...



the reason that I was so sad

when you got so happy...



and I was happier

when you got so sad...



was not because

I didn't want you to be happy.



It was just because I wanted to be

part of the reason you were happy.



I wanna make you happy.



So, uh, what I'm wondering

right about now is, uh--



I mean, if you have any

reaction to what I just said.



Or more specifically, do you wanna

have dinner with me tomorrow night?






If you'll excuse me,

I definitely need another drink.



No, wait.



I would have dinner

with you, but I can't.



I can't have dinner.



What, not the season?



No, uh, I can't

have dinner with you...



because I'm with Helen.



You're gonna have

dinner with Helen?






I'm, uh,



"with" Helen.



- As in "with" with?

- Right. With with.






I don't know what to say.



- I don't either.

- Jess?



Yeah. Hey.



- Hey, they're serving the first course.

- Oh, great.



- Here, your jacket.

- Right. Excuse me. I'm sorry.



- Hey, Josh.

- Hey, Helen.



How are you?



I'm good, thanks.



That's good.



Take these right now.



Oh, we have more.

You know what I forgot?



Okay. Hold on.



Watch. He's gonna--



Oh, my God.



It's for your heart,



for running, for, you know--



Almost there. Almost there.



- Come on, come on, come on.

- I've got a cramp.



- Come on.

- Hey, wait.



Sweetie, I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna hit the hay.



Oh, thanks.



That must be

a pretty good book.



It is.

It's amazing actually.



- That's enough reading for one night.

- Sweetie, stop it.



I just want to finish this chapter.

It's really interesting.






Oh, fuck.



- What?

- Oh, no. I just forgot to

pick up my dry cleaning again.



Oh, I got it.



- You did?

- Yeah.



Can't we talk about this?



No, sweetie we've talked.

We talk all the time.



- I know, I know. Isn't it great?

- Of course it's great.



- Our talks are great.

- So good communication is the key

to a successful relationship.



- We never have sex.

- What? Yes, we do. What do you mean?



- We don't.

- Yes, we do.



When was the last time,




- I gotta think about it for a--

- A month ago.



Okay, okay.

But it was good, right?



It was-- It was good.

Wasn't it good?



- You drank a bottle of wine.

- No, I didn't. That's not true.



That's not true.

I had maybe two and a half--



- Jess, what we have is a friendship.

- What do you mean?



- We're best friends.

- I know. Isn't it great?



Of course it's great.

It just isn't enough.



How can you say that?

I love you.



I love you too.

That isn't the issue.



Well, what is the issue?

What is the issue?



- I wanna be with someone who wants me.

- I want you.



- I wanna be with someone who craves me.

- Well, I crave you.



Someone who wants

to rip my clothes off.



Why, why, why?



Why can't it just be

great and loving and tender?



Why is that not enough for you?

I don't understand.



I mean, don't you think maybe you

place a little too much emphasis on sex?



Have you ever thought that it's just

one component of a much larger package?



- Jesus Christ, I want the whole package!

- I do too.



- I think we have it. We live together.

- We're roommates.



How can you say that to me?



- Hi, it's Jessica and Helen.

-We're not home now.



But if you leave us a message,

we will definitely call you back.



Hello, my darlings. It's Mom.



Daddy got reservations for us

at Nobu, and not at  :  .



Uh, can I just

stick this on the board?



- Oh, yeah, right. Sure.

- Is that fine?



- You're an artist?

- Oh, yeah. Trying to be.



- Thanks.

- I actually might know somebody.



- Oh, you know someone

who might be interested?

- Yeah. Could be.



Really? Well, maybe--

Should I leave you one?



- Yeah.

- Maybe I'll leave you three.



Okay. Well, I would

really be grateful.



So thanks for the, uh--




- Oh, my God.



- Hi. Hi.

- Hi.



How are you?



I'm good. I'm great.

How are you?



- Good, I'm good.

- Good. God, it's been

a really long time.



- Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how's--

- So how's--



- I'm sorry. I-- You-- What--

- Oh, no. I was just gonna say h--



I'm sorry. You go ahead.

Go ahead, speak.



- How's your writing coming?

- It's good.



- It's, you know, glamorous.

- Yeah, right. I can see that.



How's the paper?



- Oh, uh, I quit actually.

- Really?



Yeah, I left a few months

after you did.



- Really? That's great.

- Yeah, it was great. It was really great.



- So you're painting?

- Uh, yes.



I mean, you know,

not for cash, but yeah.



- Right, well, who needs cash?

- Who needs cash? I do.



- Right. Right. Yeah.

- So...



- How's Helen?

- Oh, uh--



She's good.

She's great.



- We're not together anymore.

- Oh, I'm sorry.



- Thanks, yeah.

- What happened?



Uh, she dumped me.



- Wow.

- Yeah, yeah.



- That's bad. I'm sorry.

- Yeah, it was bad. Thank you.



That's okay.

What are you gonna do?



- She wanted to be

with somebody a little more...

- A little more?



A little more gay,

I guess, was the thing.



- Right. Wow.

- So what are you gonna do, right?




What are you gonna do?




But we're friends now.



- Well, that's good. That's very good.

- So it's good.



- Yeah, it's very good.

- Yeah. Friends are good.



Friends are good.






Will you please turn that off?



No, you turn it off.



You set it.

You gotta get up.



I do have to get up.



But I turned it last time.



- You do it.

- All right. I'll make the coffee.



- All right. I'll turn it off.

- Oh, my God.



You slept on my arm

the entire night.



Oh, wait. I feel really tired.



- It's really good to see you too.

- It's good to see you too.



- It's nice to run into you.

- The same. The same.



- Okay. Take care.

- Okay.



- Uh, I wanted to get your--

- You know, I'd love to--



- I don't have your new number.

- New number, yeah.



Uh, you know what?

It's all on this flier.



My new number and actually,

my e-mail is best these days.



- E-mail?

- Yeah.



- I succumbed. E-mail is best.

- You succumbed. Yeah.



Wow, e-mail.

Okay. Thanks.



- Okay, I'll see you later.

Yeah, you too.

- Take care of yourself.



She's not here yet.



She ran into Josh Meyers.

Just now, that's why she's late.



I know, I know.

I'll get the whole story.



- Hey, sweetie.

- Oh, my God.



Hi. Jessica just got here.

I gotta go.




Yeah, I will. Bye.



- Laurie sends her love.

- Thank you.



So, what did he say?



Uh, well, first of all,

I got really nervous.



- Oh, my God. That's such a surprise.

- I know, I know.

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