Kitchen Stories Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Kitchen Stories script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie originally titled Salmer fra kjøkkenet.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Kitchen Stories. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Kitchen Stories Script



In 1944 Swedish housewives and

home economics teachers established -



- the Home Research Institute, HFI.



Here scientists perform experiments

on kitchen equipment and methods.



Kitchen machines and tools are

tested in the Institute's laboratory.



The purpose is to develop

new and improved products, -



- and better working conditions.



Here are some examples

of good products for the home:



This potato peeler

is made of stainless steel -



- and can be used

both right- and left-handed.



The dish drying rack

is both hygienic and functional.



The next study involves the kitchen

habits of single men in Norway...



Did it break again?



Swedish piece of shit.



Kitchen Stories



Are you all right?



It just felt so wrong

to drive on the right-hand side.



As if all my innards

were being yanked over to the left.



- In-nards?

- Yes, innards.



I've crisscrossed Sweden for years

and never had a problem.



But as soon as I crossed the border

and switched sides, I got sick.



But I tried to stay on the left

as much as possible to avoid vomiting.



One more time.



And how is Isak?



He sure regrets joining

that Swedish research project.



Don't move.



It can't hurt for him

to meet some new people.



- I have trouble getting him in here.

- I can imagine.



You're fit as a fiddle.




Let the Swedish

camping season begin.



- Here he comes.

- Not likely.



- Do you have a wrench, Green?

- No. Is it the fan belt?




It seems loose.



There you are, Malmberg.



Remember to switch to the right?



No problem.

Every one's ready for you.



We have problems

on the Eastern Front.



It's those damn Finns again.

You'll have to get things started here.



- But I can't be responsible for...

- Sure you can.



You've heard me do it

hundreds of times before.



Let me take care of this first.

Go grab another drink.



Tell Adolfsson that I've flown

to Finland to clear things up.



We'll talk later this week.



If Mörner calls, don't mention

a word about the Finns.



Sixten? I'll see to it that your

application goes through this time.



You'll do just fine.



Let's go.



Thank you to the Norwegian

House wives' Association.



And now Dr. Malmberg,

leader of the Swedish observers.



I would like to thank

the mayor of Landstad.



I am not actually a doctor - yet.



But in Dr. Ljungberg's absence -



- I shall do my best -



- to give you a short briefing

on this study.



Could Miss Deinboll please help out

with the balopticon again?



This sketch shows the Swedish

house wife's movements -



- in the kitchen

o ver a six-week period.



The thicker the line,

the heavier the traffic.



And so on.



Through gleaning information

from our research, -



- we have managed

to rationalize the kitchen -



- and the placement of

the stations here indicated.



Sink, towel, waste,

kneading trough, and table.



As Dr. Ljungberg likes to say:



The Swedish house wife

needs no longer walk to Congo -



- during a year of cooking.

Now northern Italy will suffice.



But we have not come here to study

the house wife's situation, -



- but the movements of

single males in the kitchen.



All our observers are of course

bound by professional secrecy.



The observer will live

in his own trailer, -



- next to the house he is observing.



I would again like to emphasize that

the key to this study's success -



- is that the observers be allowed

to come and go as they please.



They must not be spoken to.



And must never be included

in daily chores and routines.



No matter how

tempting that may be.



The man who lived on that farm...



He was killed by the train.






- His tractor stalled on this crossing.

- What?



You have to be careful here.



- I can't hear you.

- Be careful here.









Open up.






Why doesn't he open the door?



He regrets joining the project.

Just be patient.



They were out of Prim, Isak.



Isak Bjørvik?



Can you hear me?



My name is Sixten Malmberg.

I represent the Swedish observers.



Come out so we can discuss this.






There's alway s one like him.



He can't be any worse

than that lady in Alingsås.



He'll give in eventually.



Isak, are you there?



Stop being so stubborn.

It's not good for you.



Make sure you come in for a checkup

before Christmas.



He'll be out.

Just give him time.



If he doesn't open up by tomorrow,

you'll have an early Christmas, Folke.



Can't you find me a new host?



These were the only volunteers.



I had to go all the way to town

for that filter.



But without it,

the tractor won't stop leaking.



Well, I guess it's time to head home.



I guess you're right.



He never cooks in the kitchen?






He'll eat porridge or bread

down there from time to time.



But I think he prepares most of

his food upstairs in his bedroom.



I smell cooking from upstairs.



Does he have a stove

in his bedroom?



I don't know.

I've never been up there.



Of course you haven't.



Do you know what Prim is?



No. Why?



- I was just curious.

- So he never uses the kitchen stove?



At least not while I'm there.






I wonder what Dr. Ljungberg

will have to say about this.



I was wondering...



Since things are progressing

so slowly here...



Perhaps I could change host?



- Change host?

- I'm not making any progress here.



We can't have every one

changing hosts all the time.



- You understand, don't you, Nilsson?

- Yes, sure.



- I was just wondering.

- Hang in there.



I'll drop by again in a couple of days.



Could you mail this for me?



It's for my aunt.



- More Baltic herring?

- I hope so.






Same as always?



What else?



I just wanted to be sure.



You can never be sure.






Not my nose.



That's it.



- Want the hair?

- Of course.



- Need a bag?

- No, I'll just stick it in my pocket.



- How's your horse, Isak?

- We're fine, thanks.









Have you observed Isak today?






Why won't you get better?



Time for coffee.



Thank you.






Have you started smoking

Count Hamilton?



You used to pick on Dr. Benjaminsen

for smoking Swedish tobacco.



- I just bought a pack for Folke.

- Folke?



I was heading

to the store any way, so...



Well, I'd best be heading home.



But you're from Stockholm,

aren't you?






But I was born in Malmö.



I see.



That's way down south in Sweden,

isn't it?




Down in Skåne.



Carolus Linnaeus was from Småland.



You don't say?



That isn't far from Skåne.



My father used to talk a lot

about Carolus Linnaeus.



My mother once told me that we

were distantly related to Linnaeus.






So your name is Folke Linnaeus?



No, it was on my mother's side.



But her maiden name wasn't

Linnaeus either, it was Rosenqvist.






That sounds like a flower, too.



Yes, it does.



Would you want to be

a football referee, Grant?



I'd like to be a linesman,

but it's such a hassle.



Not only do you

have to know the rules, -



- you have to be able

to interpret them.






Your lungs look just fine.



I don't care, as long as you

stay away from team handball.







I mean, who the hell remembers

a single handball goal?



- What did I say about your lungs?

- They looked good.



Folke Nilsson?

Package for you.



Thank you.



- So you're the mailman as well?

- Yep.



Do many planes land here

in Landstad?






I'd better be off.






You Swedes sure have

strange words for things.



- You sure you don't want some?

- Positive.



Help yourself.



- How are things going here?

- Fine, thank you.



We need to discuss something.



An awkward situation has arisen

at Green's house.



He and his host

have started drinking together.



The entire study

may be in jeopardy.



I've never completely trusted him, -



- but I never thought

he would go this far.



If he wasn't Dr. Ljungberg's cousin

I would have sent him home ages ago.



The question is, -



- would you take over for Green

and clear up this problem?



You had requested a host switch.



Since things were progressing

so slowly here.



But things have started

happening here now.



If it's all the same to you,

I'd rather not switch.



Why don't you ask Ekdahl?



Ekdahl has his own host.

That doesn't solve anything.



Let's just hope

Green gets his act together.



I won't disturb you anymore.



Since things are going so well here.



- Enjoy your meal, Bjørvik.

- Thank you.



Next week I have to take a bath.












- Green?

- Were you asleep?



It is the middle of the night...



Tor and I are in a bit of a pinch.



- Tor?

- My host.



We're all out of booze.



You wouldn't happen

to have any liquor to lend us?



We aren't allowed

to drink on the job.



Not allowed to drink,

not allowed to talk...



Shit, Folke,

what the hell are we doing?



We sit up there on our pedestals

and think we understand everything.



How can we think we can

understand anything about people -



- simply by observing them?



- That's the nature of our research.

- We have to talk to each other.



People have to communicate.

Don't you at least have some beer?



Our research is based on

a positivistic approach.




I've decided to quit.



That's the most

positivistic thing I can do.



You're contractually bound

to stay until Christmas.



- Have you talked to Malmberg?

- Just a couple of beers...



- No.

- Come on...



No, Green.






I thought I could talk to you.



Stupid idiot.



Observe yourself, for Christ's sake.



Wait, Green.



I have also talked...



I have also talked...



To my host.



Green is right.



How can we understand each other

without communicating?



It's Grant.



He's coming over for coffee.



Why don't you and Grant

ever speak on the phone?



Do you know how expensive it is?



   øre a minute.

Need I say more?



Are you planning on

sitting over there?



I was just talking to Folke.



Oskar's observer

couldn't take it anymore.



He asked Oskar why he opens his beer

at two minutes to five every day.



"It'll be five be fore you know it,"

Oskar responded.



It'll be five be fore you know it.



Well, I should be heading

over to the store.



Don't forget your gloves.



It'll be five be fore you know it.



I'm having more and more trouble

boiling my potatoes properly.



I wonder what it must be like

for people with nuclear power.



That's a good point.



But nuclear power

is supposed to be very stable.



Yes, I suppose it is.



But isn't electricity electricity?



Whether it comes from

nuclear power or water power?



Electricity is electricity?



No way.

You can't simplify it like that.



But you don't boil potatoes

very often.



Even though you have two stoves.



No, at least not as long

as I'm being observed.



But you Swedes

don't understand that.



You were neutral observers

during the war, too.



You're right.





Let's drop that subject.



Our death is predetermined.



My father used to say that.



Why didn't Grant

want to take part in the study?




Are you crazy?



Then why did you volunteer?



They said that every one

who signed up would get a horse.



A horse?



Yes, a Døla horse.



Dala horse.



And you did.



That wasn't a real horse.






It wasn't.



But you already have a horse.



That I do.



Is this really necessary?



Do you want to get well, or not?






Then you have to wear

that catskin.



Lie down here.



Horses are nice,

but I'm not crazy about cats.



This has nothing to do with cats.



Are you comfortable?






See you tomorrow then.



Good night.






And where might I find Nilsson?






Folke Nilsson.



Oh, Folke.



He went to the store to buy tobacco.



- His car is still here.

- His car?



Grant gave him a ride.



My neighbor.



- Did you get your tobacco, Nilsson?

- Tobacco?



What the hell is that

around your neck?



- A shawl.

- With a tail?



Yes, with a tail.



Any way, your pay checks have been

delayed, but they are on their way.



Dr. Ljungberg is flying in

this afternoon.



Bjørvik was asleep in your chair.



Oh shit.



That's putting it mildly.



- Whey cheese.

- What?



- Prim is a whey cheese.

- I see.



I dream of a bride dressed in white.



No way.



Now that you mention it, I've

never cared much for swans, either.






White swans.



Have you ever had a good

relationship with a swan?



No, I can't say that I have.






No, I prefer wolves and bears.



Have you ever tasted bear meat?






Me neither.

But I hear it tastes like beef.




Grant has tasted it many times.



He says it tastes like a cross

between moose and grouse.



I'm ready to get out now.



Could you please turn off the light?



Could you hand me that towel?




You have to hear this.



Listen to my mouth when I open it.



Your mouth?



All right.



What is that?






Sometimes I pick up

foreign stations too.



Especially when it's dark, and I hold

the water pipe at the same time.



I think it's because

I have a lot of silver fillings.



And the water pipes are copper.






No one knows the whereabouts

of Dr. Ljungberg?



He's still in Finland,

but it's impossible to reach him.



He can't just disappear like that.



He's still Sweden's leading

home scientist.



Ny lander had to drive all the way

from Stockholm with your pay checks.



They didn't dare send the checks

by mail this close to Christmas.



Does he still drive a Neckar?



They are considering a switch

to right-hand driving at home.



It's crazy.

Imagine the cost.



To move all the signs, bus doors...






Imagine waking up and having to

drive on the wrong side of the road.



Le t-hand driving

is much safer than right-hand.



That's scientifically proven.



But no one seems to care

about such things anymore.



Any way, here's your pay check.



Otherwise things

seem to be going well here.



- Not too well, I hope?

- No. Just well.



- Does he cook in the kitchen yet?

- No.



But he uses the kitchen

for many other things.



I don't doubt it.



I have heard similar strange stories

from the other observers.



I wonder how the standard kitchen

will look for these people.



That will be a hard nut

for Dr. Ljungberg to crack.



Whenever he returns.



By the way, have you seen Green?






I was going to fire him,

but now I can't find him.



And all he talks about is this Folke.



What's so special about him?



That's hard to say.



But they'll be leaving soon, any way.



Not soon enough.



Do you talk?



- Me and Isak?

- Of course. Isak and you.



I don't know...



I'd like him to come in

for a checkup, -



- but it seems impossible.



I'm concerned about him.



Could you try to talk to him?



I'm the last person he'd listen to.



Happy birthday.



Thank you.



How did you know it was today?



It was in the information sheet

I was given.



The information sheet.

Of course.



I haven't celebrated my birthday

since I was a young boy.



About time, then.



But I go to Oskar's every year.



That isn't quite the same, is it?



No, I guess not.



Although he serves layer cake, too.



- Good?

- Yes.



Stand up for a second, Isak.






- Cheers.

- Cheers.



Why did Grant take his hair,

after you had cut it?



He repairs dolls.



Something he learned in

a concentration camp during the war.



I've heard that a year in prison is

longer in Sweden than in Norway.



Even if you've been convicted

of the same crime.



- That doesn't seem fair.

- No, it doesn't.



But it wasn't fair for Grant

to get lock ed up, either.






Yes, thank you.



Christ, that was a lot of pepper.



You have a whole room full of pepper.



Dad bought it cheap from Melchior

the Merchant during the war.



He was a Jew

who had to escape to Sweden.



But supposedly

it was a good investment.



Grant says I could sell that pepper

any time, and make good money.



They call it the King of Spices.






You seem to enjoy sitting up there.



Yesterday was my birthday.



Happy birthday.



Where the hell is Nilsson?



- Did he run out of tobacco again?

- No.



He was just here.



I think.



He isn't in his trailer.



You wait here.

I'll go look for him.









Is that where you are?

I looked all over for you.



What are you doing in there?



I should have told you earlier.



But the timing was never right.






I drilled a little hole in the floor

so that I could look into the kitchen.






I did it back in the beginning.



Is it any better that you observe me?



I couldn't find him.



But he can't be far off,

because he was just here.



"He was just here"?

What is the meaning of this?



What the hell are you up to?

Who is observing who here?



Nilsson wasn't feeling well.



I just wanted to help him.



Does he realize

what he is doing to me?



As soon as you find Nilsson, -



- tell him to come to my office




Tell him it's regarding his return

to Sweden. He'll understand.



These go with me.






What could he say?



He found the observations

you made of me.



But those notes were my fault.



It isn't your fault that I observe too.



Did you find it interesting

to observe me through that hole?



I have apologized for that, Folke.



Can't you at least go in

and talk to Malmberg?



What's the point?

I'll get fired either way.



What are you going to do?



I'll be all right.



Maybe you could stay for Christmas.



That would be nice.



Since you don't have a job any way.



Thank you, but I don't think

that would be possible.



You probably have family

to spend Christmas with.



Not exactly.



Except for my old aunt.

The one that sends all the food.



What the hell.



Why not?



Everything's gone to hell any way.



What do you normally eat?



Herring, of course.

And Jansson's Temptation.



Pigs' feet,

Christmas ham, and lute fisk.



- And bread and grease.

- Bread and grease?



Actually, they mostly eat that

up north. Not where I come from.



Green, red, and brown cabbage...



So this is where you are hiding.



Didn't you get the message

to come to my office?






But you didn't come?






- I have decided to resign.

- There's no need.



You're already fired.



I'm going to stay here

through Christmas.



- What?

- I'm staying through Christmas.



You seem to have

forgotten one thing:



You are contractually bound

to return your trailer to Sweden.



Your business here is not over.



Where the hell did he come from?



Our death is predetermined,

right, Isak?



Yes, it is.



I don't know what to do anymore.



From his muzzle.

Yes, blood too.



If that's what's best for him.



Thank you.



What the hell are you doing,




Who is going to return

your trailer now?



I sure as hell am not.



Do you hear me?



Answer me, Folke.









Stop, Folke.









I'll have you blacklisted.






What the hell are you staring at?






Where the hell are you?



Torsten, don't you get it?

We're too late.



They left hours ago.

Come on. Let's go.



Dr. Ljungberg.



- Where's Malmberg?

- They left earlier.



Dr. Malmberg left behind

some observation notes.



- Doctor?

- Yes. Dr. Malmberg.



And you're telling me

they've already left?



Thank you.






I have some observations here

that should interest you.



He's hit on something essential here.



These are Folke's notes.



Folke has been observed.



Let's weigh anchor.



Somebody has observed Folke.










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