Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Eddie Murphy movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Well, look what rolled in.
You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.
I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus.
Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make me have to whup nobody's head in church.
Ignore him, Lord. Ignore all his prayers.
He ain't nothing, never did nothing. Give him a stroke or something.
Do you, Sherman Klump ?
Yes, I do.
Indeed, I do.
~ Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, happy day, happy day ~ ~ Oh, yeah, happy day ~~
Happy day, happy day. Happy day, my ass.
Oh, he lookhandsome.
Oh, my baby's finally getting married. Never thought I'd live to see the day. Finally.
Oh, here she comes, here she comes.
I'm gonna cry. I promised myself I'm wasn't gonna cry. Now I'm gonna cry.
Yeah, all right. Dynamite.
You may be seated.
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
l always knew he'd find the right girl. Always knew.
You see the Indian in her cheekbones ? Ooh ! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Sherman ! Oh, Lord.
Shh, my baby's so stupid.
Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today...
to join these two people in holy matrimony.
- Praise the Lord. - The eminent scientist, Professor Sherman Klump...
- Mm-hmm. - and his longtime sweetheart,
Denise Gaines. [ Sighing ] Oh, Sherman.
lf anyone has any reason why these two shouldnot be wed, let him speaknow...
or forever hold his penis.
- Oh, Sherman.
That's it, son. Show 'em what the Klumps are made of !
- Sherman, put that away. - Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.
- Surprise ! - [ All Screaming ]
- [ Cackling ] - Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy. What's wrong with you ?
- This is some scar shit. - Yeah, like The Outer Limits.
No, don't hurt yourself, baby. You are coming with Buddy.
- No ! No ! - See you later, chunky butt ! [ Cackling ]
And then I wake up in a cold sweat.
How often do you have this dream ? More and more lately.
You seem to be very fond of this girl, Denise.
My God, she is so special to me.
But how's she gonna love me when I got Buddy Love inside me ? I wanna be perfect for her.
Perfect ? No one is perfect, Sherman.
You need to understand that Buddy Love is a representation...
of the uninhibited, hedonistic id.
- He is not a real person. - Buddy Love is real !
Well, he was real, and he does take control of me sometimes.
You will never learn to control him... Sherman !
until you accept the fact that he is apart of you.
Yeah, and the best part too ! And I'll tell you something else, punk !
All these diplomas on this wall don't make up for the fact...
that you got a little Vienna sausage in your drawers.
- Is that why they call you a shrink ? - Shut up, fat a--
Yeah, yes. Session got a little outta-- outta control.
You see, we all have a little Buddy Love inside us.
Yeah. But we can't let him rule our lives.
You're in charge, Sherman. Can you say that for me ?
I'm in charge. Can't hear you.
- I'm in charge. - Can't hear you !
I'm in charge ! Sorry about that. [ Glass Shattering ]
Yeah. Klump in charge ! I'm in charge !
He's right. I am in charge.
Klump in charge. Yes, indeed.
Good afternoon, ladies. Yeah.
Hey, Professor Klump. How's it going ? Fantastic. How about yourself?
Yeah. Klump in charge.
Afternoon. Good day. Hi.
How you doing ?
- Beautiful day, isn't it, Professor ? - Bite me, old hag. Oh !
- What ? - Uh, uh, I said, he likes me. Look at him wag.
Hey, little fella. See that little tail wagging ?
Have a good day. I'm in charge. My goodness.
Kinda hot today, huh, Professor ? You have no idea how hot it is.
- Hot ! Nice and hot ! - Oh, Professor ! I loved your lecture the other day.
Oh, thankyou. Thankyou so much.
You're the man. You're the man. I'm in control.
Yeah, keep tellin' yoursel fthat, bubble butt !
It is theoretically possible to isolate the elements...
of an individual's genetic makeup and separate them.
Now someday, we may be able to locate an unhealthy risk factor in our DNA and remove it.
Excuse me. Beg your pardon.
l'm sorry. Excuse me.
Whether this is advisable is another question entirely.
Oh, my eye ! Oh, Professor Klump.
Oh ! Professor Gaines, how are you ?
I was hoping I might be able to sit in on your lecture.
I'm sure we can accommodate you since you were so quiet coming in.
Well, it's very hard to be quiet...
when you're lecturing on genomic extractions.
I think it's ver exciting. Oh, lagree completely.
Something about the way the nucleotides cohere with the target sequence.
Yeah. I always say, ifyou can't be with the nucleotide that you love,
cohere with the one you're with.
- Yeah. - Uh, anyway as I was--
Uh, l want those lab reports on my desk.
No excuses. I'll see you next time.
Oh, Professor Klump. Yeah.
Um, yes, I was, um-- I was wondering if you had a--
- Dean Richmond, we were-- -Just having... a little chat.
Don't be bashful, ProfessorGaines.
Pound-for-pound, this big lug's the greatest scientist on the planet.
And let's be honest, pound-for-pound, he is aplanet. That's said with love.
- Did you get those goo-goo clusters I sent you ? - Yes, I did, thank you,
but I'm on a diet right now, so I can't eat 'em.
And it's working beautifully. No, l'm telling you.
When I came in, with this light and in that outfiit, you could really think for a second that--
Anyway, you said you had something to show me.
I am so excited about this, Dean. You will be too.
You got that ? Come on. Jason, where's our patient ?
Right here, Professor. Come on, boy.
Now this is Buster. Buster suffers from acute arthritis and diminished vision,
which are both signs of advanced aging.
We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's problems right now, aren't we, Buster ?
Yes, we are. This little experiment...
makes use of Professor Gaines's brilliant research on gene targeting.
Now, if I've composed this formula properly,
this should be most impressive.
All right, Buster.
Jiminy freaking Cricket !
Sherman, this is amazing.
You've just discovered-- The fountain of youth. This is huge.
Do you have any idea what you've done ? This is unbelievable. We're rich.
We're gonna have every pharmaceutical-company in the world...
lining up to throw money at us.
Of course, it all has to be properly tested first.
Exactly, yes. He makes an interesting point. Here's another. Shut up !
Besides, look at the little fella. He can lick his own winky again.
There's not a guy in the world who wouldn't wanna do that.
Klump ! Dean Richmond !
The effect is only temporary. l'm sorry, sir. You're sorry ?
Oh, my goodness. I'm just tring not to think where that tongue has been !
You all right ?
Klump, party of six, please. Yes, and we're hungry.
Mama, you know, you really look good. Have you been losing weight ?
Oh, thankyou, baby, no, but I'm getting ready to start a new diet.
Have some of this ambrosia. I don't even like ambrosia.
Don't tell me you don't like ambrosia. You had some before, and you liked it.
Have some adventure ! Oh, now I'm a child-- I don't know what I like.
...for the all-girls soccer team.
Let me get that for you. Oh, my baby's so gallant.
Sherman, come here. And it's called ''All the pork you can eat'' diet.
You can have all the pork you want. You can have ham, bacon, sausage.
I got the wrong thing. Take that. Thank you.
Now I got a full portion. Whateveryou wanna eat,
just as long as you have three glasses of grapefruit juice afterwards...
because the grapefruitjuice breaks down all the unwanted--
Get away from there ! Stop that ! Baby !
Honey, get the baby. He's a boy, and boys don't be doing stuff like that.
- Hey ! Get your ass-- - What ?
Please teach that boy manners. He ain't gonna be acting like no hooligan with me.
That was a spoon or fork ? That was a spoon. All right. Boys will be boys.
- Boys will be boys.
Oh, this looks fabulous. Yeah, it looks really good.
How about getting another bottle of red over here ? Get some more wine.
Hey, Ernie, maybe you wanna pace yourself and take it easy, huh ?
Pace myself? Hey, this is a celebration for Daddy retiring.
We owe it to Daddy togetshit-faced, andl'm gonnagetshit-faced.
By the way, congratulations, Mr. Klump.
She's so polite. Look here, Denise, you have to stop that ''Mr. Klump'' stuff...
'cause I've been hearing that for the last year or so, and I'm starting to feel old.
- l ain't an oldman. - You are an old man.
Ah, shit, Grandma, what's wrong with you ?
If it isn't the Alzheimer's Express right on schedule !
- Stop that ! Hi, Mama. - She drove right on my bunion.
Y'all have to excuse me for being late.
If you weren't my grandmother, boy-- If you weren't my grandmother !
Me and Isaac started getting kinda frisky in the car.
- Ooh ! - Had to give him a little appetizer.
- Ooh, Mama.
- I just lost my damn appetite. - Mama, your dress is undone. Let me zip you up.
Hurry. Zip herup in the back before she starts looking...
like one of them Zulu hags on the cover of NationalGeographic.
- Clesius, what's wrong with you ? That's my mother. - Like that movie, Shaka Zulu.
You know something, Clesius ? Come on. Come on right now !
I'm gonna tell you something. I got a razor in this bag.
Oh, yeah, l'll tell you what. That ain 't even no bag in yourhand. That's your titty.
Clesius ! Oh, Jesus !
She's an old bag with old bag titties. Clesius, you out of your mind?
He called your grandma's titty a bag.
- Death ! - Clesius Marcellus Klump.
lf it isn't the world's oldest living Negro ?
Hey, how are things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac ?
Oh, Clesius, please, be nice to Mr. lsaac. Goodevening, Mr. lsaac.
Come on and have a seat.
Good evening, Mr. Isaac. How you doing tonight ?
lsaac know l'm playing. l play with lsaac all the time. You know l'm messing with you.
Oh, yeah, you say what you wanna say,
but Isaac's still like a Brahma bull when it comes to relations, right, baby ?
You know what they say ? You're as young as you feel.
- Well, I must be . - Klump, funny you should say that.
Denise and I have been doing some research on aging, which has proven to be promising.
Ooh, Baby, don't belch in public.
Grandma don't wanna hear all that nastiness. He bringing the bass, huh ?
You plan to eat, you gonna be belching, cover your mouth.
Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans,
you don't see me doing the ol' butt trumpet, do you ?
Thank the Lord. We don't have to hear all that nasty imagery.
- Butts and trumpets. - I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say.
Hey, can we get some toothpick ? Some toothpick !
If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow...
''Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle,'' that's my business !
All I'm hearing is trumpets and asses. I don't wanna hear that.
Hey ! You watch it now.
You reach over here again, you gonna pull back a nub.
- Oh, Clesius, she's fiier. I like that.
Tell me, don't touch the chicken. Don't be hitting on people.
l don't be getting hit on, Sherman, you know that.
Better eat up, Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength.
Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch Mating Season on the Serengeti.
- Oooh ! - Don't take a lot to get Isaac going.
- Time out ! Let me call a time out on that. - Lord, my, my.
- I don't wanna hear about you old-ass geriatrics. - Oh, yeah, Clesius ?
Me and Isaac might be dried-up geriatrics,
but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac's love tackle.
- Ooh, Mama. - Oh, snap now.
Hmm ? What's the matter, Clesius, cat got your tongue ? Step on a nerve, Clesius ?
I get you. Got you, got you. Got ya !
These potatoes sure are scrumptious, aren't they ?
- Ain't that a kick in the head. - Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they ?
Potato, my ass. Ain't that a kick in the head ?
- What that piece of spaghetti remind you of? Oh !
- Oh, Grandma, now, come on. That's enough now. - Sure enough.
Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps ?
-Oh, Lord have mercy. - Let me tell you, old woman.
What ldo in my bedroom is my business. You understand?
Only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint offyour scrotum.
- Now it's getting thick. - See ? That's the last straw.
- I think I'm gonna propose a toast. - Let's make a toast.
- To Daddy. - Hear! Hear!
After years of hard work in the construction business, Thirty-five years !
Daddy's gonna fii nally get a chance to relax.
- Finallygonnaget to relax. - This is true. - Damn right.
And I'd like to say in front ofeverbody here tonight--
When you gonna stop jiving and tell everbody you got laid off ?
- Oh, my God.
- He's choking.
Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock" on him ? Put your arm up !
The "Hemlockmove. " Give me a knife andstraw. l'm gonna give him a tracheotomy.
lseen them do it on E.R.
lt's allright, folks. Everything's undercontrol.
Clesius. No, Clesius. Where you going ? Sherman ! Clesius !
- Dad, where you going ? - Daddy ! - Oh !
Now you see what you did, Joe College ? You done messed up the whole party.
Jason, I just know I'm not the one saying all those awful things.
It was him. You may be right, Professor. Take a look at this reading.
Right there. Recombining with the gene that governs testosterone production.
I told you. That's Buddy Love.
Don't panic. Allright.
We should be able to get rid of him. According to Denise's theories,
we should be able to isolate that gene and extract it. No, no way.
Professor, what you're talking about is extremely dangerous.
Those traces of Buddy must've been in your system this whole time.
You've been able to keep them under control. Not anymore. He's back now.
He's coming back 'cause he knows I'm happy and he wanna ruin everthing.
Yeah, but he is not a he. He is a gene.
He's just part of you. Oh, no, he's not.
Am I interrupting ?
Oh, uh, not at all. We were just doing some last-minute tests on Buster.
Uh, Sherman, can I talk to you in private for just a second ?
Sherman, I got a call today,
and, well, I've been offered a full professorship at the University of Maine.
University of Maine ? But, Denise, that's in Maine. Yeah.
Well, uh, that's a fine department over there in Maine.
It is gonna be a...
tremendous loss to Wellman, though.
Well, I haven't decided to leavejust yet. You haven't ?
Well, no, I mean--
There's something ver important to me here,
and I'm not so sure I can just leave it behind.
Well, Denise, you can fii nish the research we started on your own.
Sherman, I'm not talking about research. Really ?
Sherman, you're ver special to me.
Oh, well, uh, I didn't...
thinkyou and I would ever-- ever--
How can I put it ? Because I'm-- Big.
Yeah. I was gonna say fat, but, yeah.
Big is better, yep.
Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that...
you're kind and decent.
You are... the most brilliant man I've ever known.
Uh, speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research,
so, um, I'll talk to you later.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
Professor? You okay ?
Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Then you won't.
Hey, you can control Buddy.
You know, it's funny how you get used to certain things in life, you know ?
You get used to being overweight. I know I did.
You even get used to people making fun of you.
Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone.
And I just don't wanna be alone anymore.
Oh, Sherman, the flowers are beautiful.
But what are you doing down there ? Please, come inside.
Just a minute. Let me do something first. Come here, guys.
Denise, I just wanna say that...
working alongside you this past year,
getting to know you and be close to you--
it's been the most wonderful time of my life.
~ The most wonderful time of his life ~
l'djust like to say that--
it doesn't matter ifyou wanna take that otherjob or if you wanna stay here.
What matters to me most is that you're happy.
Denise, I have something that I wanna ask you.
~ He wants to ask you ~
Denise-- Denise Gaines--
Yes, Sherman ? Denise, will you--
Well, ask her !
Denise, will you-- Hey, Sherman. You hearme, Sherman ?
Denise, willyou-- willyou...
let me come up there and put my beef in your taco ?
- ~~~Put the beef in your taco~~~ - What ?
Oh, no, no, no, no !
That's not what lmeant to say, Denise. That wasa littlejoke.
A littlejoke. I wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get Mexican food.
That's why l said that. Well, I am kinda hungry, but I'm not--
Yeah, you are, huh ? l bet you could standfor a big ol' Whopperright now.
~ A big ol' Whopper right now ~
- You're sick ! - I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself.
Yeah, and I'm loaded with secret sauce.
Yeah ! Come on !
Back that thang up ! Yeah !
Come on ! Come on ! Yeah !
Come on ! Make it funky !
You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert !
Put on the good ass !
Sherman, l don't know what's gotten into you, but ldon't like it at all!
Hah, way togo, Sherman ! Oh, my goodness !
You haven't seen the last ofme, Sherman ! Oh, my goodness, what'd I do ?
Denise ! Denise !
l'm gonnapee on myself. l'm gonnapee in your pants !
Okay, Buddy, it's time foryou to go.
~ You-ou-ou've got the magic touch ~
~ Ooh, hoo ~ Hey, what you playing that for ?
I thought it'd be soothing. It'd be soothing if you turned that shit off so I can sleep.
Oh, Clesius, you haven't even looked at me.
I know what you look like. We married for years. I look at you ever day, all day long.
- I knowjust what you look like. - Clesius, please, look at me !
Damn. Now here we go.
You got a show tonight ? What you got that on for ?
Well, if you don't know after years of marriage, I don't know what to say to you.
You should say good night and take that damn rag off that lamp before we burn something down.
What about Viagra ?
Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&M's.
Look, Clesius, maybe it's psychosomatic.
I seen on Oprah once that this happen to men after they get fii red.
Um, lmean, retired. You know, sometimes you lose yourself-esteem.
Lose self-esteem ? I ain't lost no self-esteem.
You're alwaysyapping about it. You won't neverlet up ! Forget it !
You're like a broken record. Ever time I turn around, ''Clesius, how you feeling now ?''
''You got the groove now ?'' Ever time I walk in the room,
I don't even wanna hear it. you shake your ass, tring to get me stimulated.
Go to sleep, please. Let it happen naturally.
Never mind, Clesius ! Never mind !
I mean, I'm sorry to yell and scream, but you got too much pressure on me !
You want tenderness ? Ease up on the pressure.
Too muchpressure forme. [BedCreaking]
[Grandma] Slowit down, lsaac. No, no, baby, l'm overhere.
Now, there they go.
Now, you're fine now. lsaac, you're a champion.
That's your old-ass mother. Hey ! My mama has a healthy libido.
Gotta slowit down ! lain 't taking nobody to the emergency room tonight!
Somebody break their leg, gonna stay broke this time.
[Grandma] lsaac! Bingo. Pokeno.
Professor? Professor? Hey.
Professor? Hey, Professor!
Wake up. Oh. Oh, Jason.
My God, what happened ? [ Grunting ]
Buddy. I had to get rid of Buddy.
What ? He had to go.
You could've killed yourself. I mean, who knows ?
This could affect your coordination, your neurological system.
It could even affect your intelligence. We don't even know if this is gonna work.
Only one way to fii nd out.
Okay, Sherman, what is this about ? Denise.
l'm so glad you came. You know, I almost didn't come.
Well, l'm awful glad you did.
Listen to me, Denise. Listen.
You know, fireflies, when they're searchingfor a mate,
the way they findone another is they emit apheromone,
and I've synthesized it into a spray form.
Wait a minute. You brought me out here for an experiment ?
Denise, wait, please ! Just hear me out ! Please, don't leave.
Sherman, why did you act that way the other night ?
when I found out that you might be leaving, it just got me all messed up inside.
I said some things I really didn't mean at all.
lt was-- lt was like there was another person inside me...
who didn't appreciate how wonderful you are to me and how special you are to me.
And-And-- But thatside of me is gone now.
l got rid of that person forever. You'l l never see that ugly face again.
l just want you to know that for sure. That's why l wanted you to come out here tonight.
Just- Just bear with me, please.
Hope my little friends might be able to...
say it better than me.
Yes, Sherman Klump, I will.
Will you really ? Really ? Really.
Yes. I will. I really will. You will ?
Yeah ! Yeah !
Yeah, yeah, yeah !
Come on, Buster. Time to go home.
That's right. That's right. Time to go home.
Now wait. Sit. Good boy.
Wait for Uncle ''J.'' Stud.
Hey, Buster, where'd you go, boy ? Here's a good boy.
Ohhhh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman !
My baby's finally getting married, married, married !
Oh, Sherman ! I'm so happy for you, Sherman.
You're finally gonna get some.
~ Tell me something good ~
~ Tell me that you love me, yeah ~
Come on now, dance with me, girl. You look fantastic.
lf you two can stop getting all jiggy with it,
perhaps I can give you something to really celebrate. Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, Dean, what's that ? Oh, nothing much.
A letter from Phleer Pharmaceuticals, largest drug company in the world.
I told them about your little discover, and they made a preemptive offer.
Not too shabby, eh ?
A hundred and fiifty million dollars !
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God, Sherman !
A hundred and fiifty million dollars ! Oh, my goodness.
lsn 't that wonderful? Now, remember, that money belongs to Wellman.
All you have to do is prove to Phleer the formula works at the press conference I set up.
Yeah ! Of-Of course. $ million-- my mind's all scribble-scrabble.
Oh, Mama, lcan't wait to see what she looks like in my old wedding dress.
I can't wait to see, Mama. She gonna--
Oh ! [Clapping Hands]
Oh, seeing you in that dress take me right back to the time l got married.
- It's beautiful. - Oh, you look wonderful. Show Mama what you look like.
Mama, look at this. Oh, you look so lovely.
Oh, be careful now. She looks fabulous in it, don't she, Mama ? Look at her.
Denise, you still remember what I told you about marital relations ?
Oh, Mama. Denise, look. Try this pie. I made it with Snickers.
Now, don't be shy. Come on over here.
Oh, that's pretty. Okay, if you get bored with your man,
it's perfectly okay topicture someone else's headon his body.
Right. Ooh, you got a little waist, girl.
That's right. That gentleman, Stone Phillips, on NBC.
You know, Granny, I really don't think I need to do that.
Isaac, you don't need to hear this. It's private. It's private !
We gonna talk girl talk now, baby.
From time to time, l have fantasies about Stone Phillipsfrom NBC.
- Mama. Mama, quiet. - It's true. It's the same dream all the time.
I'm in a tobacco barn. Stone Phillips is my coworker,
andhe don't never have on no shirt in the dream, and l don't never have on no pants.
It's the nougat that makes it chewy. And I stand on this ladder,
Stone Phillipsget a little peek of heaven l got up myskirt.
I invite him up the ladder, he come up the ladder and throw me on the tobacco.
And we start going at it like two mice.
Stone, Stone, Stone. Mm !
Oh, I think that's a wonderful fiit.
I do too.
Oh, you're so sweet. Sherman and Denise ! Sherman and Denise !
Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage. They gonna get married, Mama.
Ooh, l'm so happy.
Welcome back. Marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage.
~~~Nutty, nutty, nutty my love for you~~~
~~~lcan't believe my dreams come true~~~
~~~l've finally foundsomebody whose heart is true~~~
~~~And best of all is you're nutty, nutty, nutty forme~~~
~~~ Whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa~~~~~~
Well, well, well, we've seen quite a bit ofeach othertoday.
Now strip down to your shorts. Right.
l suppose you thought l was gonna object to a strip search, didn't you, Chief?
[Buddy] Keep your clothes on, please. Don't nobody wanna see that!
Here's my wallet. Why don't you check foryourself? [Buddy Continues Cackling]
Yeah, hold that stomach in, Robert !
What's his problem ?
I don't know, but enough is enough. Excuse me, sir.
Young man, will you please keep it down just a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch--
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theaters.
Hello, fat ass ! [ Cackling ]
Maybe we should get going. I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go.
Come on, let's go somewhere else. Sherman, who was that ?
- I don't know. I didn't really get a good look at him. - Sherman ! Sherman Klump !
You still been hitting them Happy Meals. You haven't changed an inch.
You remember me-- Buddy Love. We used to both chase that girl, Carla, at the same time.
- You ever hit that ? - Miss Purty and I were just friends.
''Just friends''-- I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh ?
Who's your new friend ? She sure is fii ne. Yes, fii ne. What's your name ?
Sherman, suddenly I don't feel so well. Can we leave, please ?
Yes, let's go, please. Can I talk to Sherman for one second ? Then you can have him.
One second, please. l gotta talk to you. We gonna have a little boy talk.
Excuse us. Sherman, how you doing, baby ? What do you want here ?
A little respect. You left me all by myself in that test tube...
without a card or a letter, and now I want a divorce.
And this is a community property state, so I want my share.
Want your share of what ? The youth formula we invented !
You mean, the youth formula that I invented. Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
- Who you grounding, fat boy ? You grounding me ? - l haven't grounded--
- I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen. - Come on, Sherman.
You're gonna make me do something nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
Sherman ! See you soon, Sherman !
What the hell are you looking at ?
Oh, thank you, Sherman.
What else did I get from Sherman ? What does this say ?
''Phleer Pharmaceuticals.'' $ mill-- $ million.
I think Buddy's going shopping.
Professor, I got here as fast as I could.
I've got to hide this formula before Buddy gets to it. Good idea.
I found something I think you should look at.
When I left here last night, everthing was fii ne. I mean, this was not here.
Good Lord. Buddy must've recombined from the genomic sequence I extracted.
This doesn't make any sense. He's just a fragment of genetic information.
He's nothing without a strand of DNA to graft himself onto.
Where-Where did he get it ?
Just a second here.
Thank you so much. Leanne Guilford.
President of Acquisitions. Buddy Love, president of Love Industries.
No. Do you have a dog ? Yes, I do-- a Yorkie.
Oh. She's driving me crazy right now.
- Bitch. - Excuse me.
It's a female dog that you have, and she's in heat, right ? Yes. How did you know that ?
Let's just say I have a sixth sense about those things. Is this her ?
Yeah, little Courtney. [ Clears Throat ] Ooh, nasty.
Mr. Love, maybe we'd better do this another time. No, this is the perfect time.
Let's do this right now. This is the perfect time to talk about my youth formula.
We are already committed to purchasing Professor Klump's formula.
Oh, Professor Klump's formula ? That's if it works.
Let's just that although he's a brilliant scientist, at times, he can be unstable.
Interesting. Yes, now, my formula works...
and can be yours for the price of $ million, if you act now, pretty lady.
Forgive me for being blunt, but you don't expect me tojust take your word for it, do you ?
Oh, no, not at all. Just say when, and I'll make it available to you.
If Klump can't deliver and you can prove your formula's better, Yes ?
Phleer would have to seriously consider it. Is that right ?
I've got to go to a meeting. Can we reschedule for later ? We certainly can.
Good. How about Wednesday, : ? Perfect. Wednesday at : .
- Bring the formula. - Yes.
Excuse me. Where's your restroom ? Down the hall, to the left.
Thank you. You finished with this ? Sure.
Whoo, whoo !
What the hell you looking at ? Huh ? Oh !
Good God! What ''good God'' ? I went on the paper !
Genetic anomalies can occur...
in any living organism through-- through--
Come on now, people. Spontaneous mutation.
Now what is it that ourgenetic codes can determine about us ?
Miss Tate ? Uh, they can determine...
whether you have blue eyes or pouty lips or a cute butt.
Stuff like that. [Students Laughing]
Right, right, precisely. Very good.
But what about random nucleotide polymorphisms, Professor ? Excellent question.
Random nucleotide polymorphisms--
Random nucleotide polymorphisms--
Random nucleotide-- [Clears Throat]
I ain't got a clue.
Who knows ? This could affect your coordination, your neurologicalsystem.
- l mean, it could even affect your intelligence. - What was I talking about ?
- Genetic anomalies. - Yes, genetic anomalies. As I was saying--
Think you're pretty smart, huh, Molly ?
Not gonna beat me again. [Groans]
That makes five times in a row now. Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a second ? -Jason, yes, please, come in.
Look, l know you think you're feeling fine, but l ran some more tests anyway.
- Really ? - Yeah. When you extracted Buddy,
somehow it altered the gene that regulates neurotransmitter activity to the cerebral cortex.
Uh,Jason, all these big words are really perplexing to me. Can you talk in plain English ?
You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I know. I can feel it.
I can't even beat Molly, and she's the dumbest hamster we got.
Jason, my presentation's in two days.
Now what am I gonna do ?
Oh, mygoodness. Buddy.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, how's it going there, Sherman ? Yeah, Daddy, you startled me.
- What's that you got there, son ? - The youth juice.
Um, um, my formula. I was wondering if I could keep it here for safe keeping.
Oh, yeah, leave it in the refrigerator. Ain't nobody gonna bother it.
You allright ? You looka little strained. What's going on ?
[ Stammering ] Well, Daddy, you know, I kinda got a lot on my mind.
Really, I do. I guess I've been a little worried about my presentation and all.
Worried about your presentation ? You ain't got nothing to be worried about.
We gonna be watching you on TV, supporting you, and you should be proud. We proud.
I know I'm proud. I tell you that. You ain't got nothing to worried--
You're gonna be doing just great. Ah !
I didn't hit you that hard. Don't act like a little bitch. By the way, Sherman,
how many people can say that they raised a genius ?
Worried about his presentation ? That's a good one there.
- Ooh, is this supposed to be that hard ? - Yeah, let it set a while.
Don't worry if it burns a little bit. That's natural.
All right, you the expert, Chantal. Workyour magic, girl,
'cause Denise's motheris coming to this bachelorette party,
and if she's as stunning as Denise, l got to besparkling.
Honey, you gonna blind their asses.
When you walk in that door, they gonna think you're Tyra Banks.
[ Both Laughing ] Oh, did l tell you the news ?
Leon got one of them penis pumps.
Penis pumps ? What'd he do with it ? Mm-hmm.
- Supposed to pump it up or something. - Does it work ?
Just on the tip. Now that thing look like a portabello mushroom.
- [ Laughing ] - Isaac all natural.
Soon as I walk in the room, ten-hut.
You know, l'm thinking about having a little work done myself.
The other day, I got out the shower,
and I bent down to reach for a towel,
and I felt a sharp pain in my chest.
Shot through my chest and up around my back, down my spine.
I thought, ''Oh, Lord.'' I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked,
and I was standing on my own titty.
You ain't have to get no breast reduction. Just be more careful.
- Both feet too. Both feet on it. - [ Continues Laughing ]
All right, what the hell you old hens cackling about ? You ready to go ?
No, not quite. I'll be ready in a minute.
She still got to set up a few more minutes. Have some more wine, girl.
Ooh, girl, I don't know if I should. I already had two glasses.
Oh, go on, live a little. Make your hair look better.
- Have mercy. - Yeah,just like lfigured.
You sit up here all day, getting sloshed and talking about us men.
- Clesius, have you ever heard the expression, ''mercy hump'' ? - Say what ?
'Cause that's what you been getting all these years-- mercy humps.
- Stop it. - You out your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something.
He ain't got nothing but a limp doodle. [ Laughing ]
- Gotta get ya.
Clesius ! Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
- Ah-- - You girls are crazy. I'm leaving.
Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait ! Clesius ! Oh, Clesius ! I don't believe it.
Clesius, I only told her 'cause she got so much experience in sexual matters.
I ain't nothing but a big damn joke to you, ain't I ? Tell the whole world !
Her husband ain't nothing but a big ol' pile of worth less crap !
Clesius ! Clesius !
I'm just glad they're back in town so you can fii nally meet them.
I'm extremely nervous because I really want to make a good impression.
Sherman, there's no reason foryou to be nervous.
My parents are very down-to-earth people, and they're gonna love you.
I guess it's not like they're rocket scientists. Well, actually, they are.
- Daddy! - Sweetheart !
Great to see you. You must be Sherman, the genius who's marring my daughter.
I guess that's me.
They think I'm old. They think I'm worn-out, huh ? I'm gonna show all of'em.
Screw the golden years. And here's to youth !
That's some nasty mess.
I don't feel no-- [ Gagging ]
Damn, that was some nasty stuff !
Oh, I feel as strange as hell. Oh ! Hey, get your ass--
Who the hell are you ? Who you put--
It worked. It worked !
Oh, what a beautiful bird.
Oh, Crackers has been in our family more than years.
Hmm ? Fifty years. He's older than I am. [ Squawks ]
- Sherman, your fly. Your fly. - Yeah, he can fly all over.
- No, no, no, zip your pants. - [ Chuckling Nervously ]
Oh, my goodness. Excuse me. I felt-- I felt a little breeze.
So, uh, genomic extractions.
But the whole concept ofremoving faultygenes must haveyou in an ethicalquandary..
[Flatulence] [ Groaning ] E-Excuse me. Ethical ?
Oh, yes, l don't know much about "Ethicals", to be perfectly honest with you.
But the ''Quandar''-- I don't like the Japanese cars.
l don't like the Ethical Quandary.
I'm a Volvo man myself. Well, yeah.
- Oh ! - [ Laughing ] - [ Laughs ]
Sherman is known as the leading expert in genomic extractions.
Give us a little preview of the speech you're going to make at the press conference.
- Say what now ? - l know we would never be able to keep up,
but is there some way that you could explain it in layman terms ?
Oh, you'd like me to explain to you ?
Yes. Well, I would love to. I would be honored.
It's really quite simple. This corn, for instance--
This piece ofcorn here can represent a strand of DNA.
[Chuckling] And these little--
the individual-- the bumpy things that go--
The Green Giant calls them ''niblets.'' Uh, niblets.
These niblets represent each gene, and they determine everything about you.
For instance, Mrs. Gaines, let's say if a person was to have big titties, like you.
- [Denise] Sherman ! - l'm sorry. Big titties.
No, breasts. Scratch it. Get off you. On me.
- Now, I have a big ass. Never mind that. - [ Fork Clatters ]
What we're attempting to do here is to extract the, uh, the bad, badgenes.
Extract that titty out. Andass comes out.
And just leave the good genes,
which is very simple if you think about it.
Just ignore that.
Please ignore those. Those are the badgenes.
What I'm really tring to do is go deep, deep down into the gene structure,
which oftentimes is much more difficult.
Oh, goodness !
I'm-- I'm so-- so sorry about that.
My pants got caught in the thing and they pulled it on out.
His wings istwitching a little bit, so he's allright.
[CellPhone Rings] Buddy Love.
Mr. Love. Leanne Guilford. Yes, Miss Guilford. How are you ?
You forgotten we have an appointment right now ? I had a hard time getting a cab.
- I'm on my way. - I'll wait for a few more minutes and then I'm leaving.
Very good. I'll see you soon. All right.
Whoo ! This isgreat!
Sir, uh, please don't do that. It's kind ofdangerous.
You work here ! Work here ! [ Barking ]
Yeah ! Whoo !
Hey, let me have a seven and seven. Coming up.
You about the fii nest-looking thing I seen in a long time.
Well, thank you very much. You pretty damn foxy yourself, baby.
A lot of young men are intimidated by an older woman.
Is that right ? Well, let me tell you something.
You look pretty damn young to me. In fact, let me tell you something, baby.
You just about the-- You--
Yeah, you look good. Pretty fine. Foxy fine and young.
Excuse me one second. Yes, yes, yes.
- Get away from my woman. - Mind your own business, Willie.
- What ? - It's over between us. He just won't accept it.
Willie, she said it's over between y'all. Besides, you getting the wrong idea.
Outside. Outside. I'm tired of this shit. Say what ? Who you pushing?
Not again, Willie. Willie, what's wrong with you ?
All right, enough is enough ! This is going too damn far !
You gonna make me have to put my foot in your ass. I'm gonna tell you straight up.
I don't wanna have to hurt you, Pops ! Pops ? I'll ''pop'' your ass.
Would you please put your clothes back on ?
You'll hurt yourself. You look like a roast chicken.
That was a lucky shot.
- Okay, that's it. - Come on, fool. Get your ass up. Come on.
You're crazy. [ Martial Arts Cr ]
What the hell is this ? Am I supposed to believe that you know ''bujitsu'' ?
Meter reads . . Here's . . Keep the dime. Jerk.
Ah, the lovely Miss Guilford. Where you on your way to ?
- Home. - Home ? What do you mean ? We got business to talk.
All you seem to be is talk. I'm starting to think you don't even have a formula.
Oh-- We're gonna stick with Klump.
Stick with Klump ? I just got off the phone with my research people in Langley, Virginia.
They're working out all the minorkinks. We gonna have a formula any moment now.
Hey ! Klump's formula sucks !
All right, little man.
I've been real patient.
- I told you I'd mess you up. - [ Rumbling ]
Oh, you scared now, huh ? Bring your little butt back here.
I'm tired ofyour--
He done loosen my tooth too.
So that's where Sherman's been hiding it.
Clesius. Clesius. Lord have mercy. What have you been all evening ?
I've been so worried. Wait. Don't turn on the light.
- Leave the light out. - Oh, Clesius, I'm so sorry about what happened tonight.
Yeah, well-- Anna,
you remember when we first met ?
Ofcourse I remember. Back at the state fair. Why ?
Yeah, the state fair. You was working the cotton candy.
Standing looking like an angel. Had that pink sugar swirling all around you.
I turned to my brother, and I said three words,
You must've ate cotton candies that night, Clesius.
Yeah, well, I was interested.
I was interested. I was damn interested.
Closeyoureyes, Anna. l got a little surprise for you.
Oh, Clesius. [ Chuckling ]
Here lam. l'm ready, andl'm waiting.
- Oh, that some nasty stuff. - Okay, what you got for me ?
It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you.
Oh, you always been such a sexy devil.
Oh, Clesius, l'm on fire.
Oh, Clesius ! Hurr, Clesius.
Hurr, Clesius !
Hurry, Clesius. Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.
Yeah, yeah. l've been waiting so long.
Clesius, l'm on fire. I know you've been waiting, baby.
- Oh, Clesius, this is so romantic. - Yeah, Clesius here now.
I'm on fire. Anna Pearl, Anna Pearl.
Yeah, I'm gonna put your fire out.
- [ Screaming ] - It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Anna, it's me. It's me. It's Clesius. I'm just young again.
Oh, Lord, Clesius, what have you done to yourself?
I took some of Sherman's youth juice, and it's incredible.
I got enough for both of us too.
Damn. Don't worry about it. I got some more in the garage. I'm not taking that mess.
I don't want no magic formula.
- What's wrong with you, woman ? Don't you wanna be young ? - No, I don't wanna be young.
Clesius, we're supposed to be who we are, andl'm just fine with who lam.
But, obviously, what you're tring to say is that you'rejust tired...
of the fat, old woman that you got married to. Oh, no, Anna.
That's not what I'm saying. That ain't what I'm saying at all.
Downstairs. I think you better sleep downstairs. Anna, please, no, baby.
- But I was just-- - Downstairs, Clesius. I don't wanna hear it.
Oh, Clesius, I'm so disappointed in you.
I just feel so god-awful terrible about what happened to Crackers.
Imagine what your parents must think about me.
Sherman, you were acting really strange tonight.
Yeah, I know, 'cause, um, I drank that wine,
and I had cold medicine early on.
And mixing cold medicine and wine-- that don't mix.
Well, cold medicine or not,
I'm really worried about you.
And I really think you should get a checkup.
All right. I will. Yeah, I will.
Okay. Go home and get some rest,
and first thing in the morning, I'll make an appointment to get a checkup.
Good. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.
- Sorry about Crackers. I'm sorry. Okay ? - Okay. Okay.
Pervert. ''Beef in your taco.''
- I'm a pony ! I'm a pony ! - Mommy, I'm scared.
Nowback to the midnight movie.
A huge asteroid, approximately square miles in size,
is still on a collision course with Earth.
Wellman College Professor Sherman Klump...
is attempting to plant a nuclear explosive device deep within the asteroid core,
which, if effective, will destroy it.
Houston, come in. This is Professor Klump on the asteroid's surface.
We read you, Professor. What's your status ?
We've done dug the hole and planted the nukes.
Good. Then get back in your shuttle and get the hell out of there...
so you can blow that rock to bits.
Sherman, you've got seconds before that asteroid hits. Better hurry.
The world's counting on it.
Fifteen seconds. Sherman, start the detonation sequence now.
Hello, Houston. We got a big-assproblem.
Sherman, you've got to blow up the asteroid. Press that button !
I... can't... reach it. [Man's Voice] Sherman.
Sherman, I am your father. Search your feelings, Sherman.
There's a force deep down inside you. Use it. Use your force, Sherman.
Ah, yes. [ Coughing ] The force is strong with you, my son.
- [ Continues Coughing ] Goddamn. - What the hell was that noise ?
Whew ! I think something crawled up your force and died, Sherman.
Ten seconds to impact. My God !
He didn 't plant those charges on the asteroid. Then where did he plant them ?
Good-bye, Mr. Asteroid.
[Chuckling] This is gonna be good. Yeah.
Wait a minute. Did l land on the wrong-- Oh, shit.
Oh, no. I done blowed up the wrong one.
Denise, please don't-- It was an accident. Denise--
l'm sure it'l l just make a little splash in the ocean. That's all.
See,just a little, tiny--
Oh, that ain 't tiny at all, is it ?
I am an idiot.
Oh, thank you, Granny, so much. You are too sweet.
Yeah, that's a little special present for your wedding night.
Oh, fabulous. Romantic and fabulous.
Oh, Mama !
Thank you, Granny. Maybe something l wouldn't have chosen for myself. Thank you.
Well, I didn't choose it for you, baby. I got it for Sherman.
He's gonna be the one that's gonna appreciate the hell out of it, trust me.
Girls, l got tago check on the rest of my surprise. Y'all excuse me fora moment.
Girls, lsawthe most fabulousgame the otherday. lt's calledBachelorette Bingo.
Let'splay. Oh, this is so fabulous !
This is Miss Ida Mae Jensen. I'm calling to confirm a male stripper fantasy,
the Muy Caliente Vida Loca special.
Yeah, that's right. Well, where they at ? We all ready here. Now--
Oh, never mind.
lsee him overhere now. Okay.
Yes, we will enjoy. Thankyou.
Now, that's what l call the Muy Caliente...
El Negro special.
Well, hello there, stripper man.
Now, you know, lordered the special, and you supposed to be dressed as a fireman.
Stripperman ? Oh, stripper-- Oh, yes, stripperman.
Well, I, um-- I decided not to do my fii reman dance tonight,
because last time I did it, things got so heated up, kind of scorched my suit.
So I decided to do my cat burglar dance. And I slip through the back door...
and I'm kind of poking around, 'cause I'm a method stripper...
and I want to get the right frame of mind so I can give y'all some good stripping.
- You know, work it for you. - You know, you look just like Ken Norton in Mandingo.
Oh, really ? Oh, Ken Norton-- Oh, Mandingo. Ken Norton. Really ?
I guess this is the closest I'm gonna ever get to Ken Norton.
Well, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Well, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
I wonder if you could give me a little private dance.
Oh, okay. You want a private-- You wanna slow down ?
Stop, stop, stop ! I'm gonna need some space here.
You want a private dance. Okay, I can do that.
But first, um, I'm so thirsty. I got a craving for some-- for some red fruit punch.
Red fruit punch ? I ain't seen none in the house, boy.
But today I seen some out in the Frigidaire, out in the garage.
Oh, there may be some in the garage ? Well, after I quench my thirst,
I'm gonna come give you a dance. Ow !
I'll be moving like this. You like that, don't you ? Yeah, that's like Soul Train.
That's la vida loca. Make this face here like I'm tearing it up.
Oh, good Lord. Oh, my precious Lord. You like that ?
Don't move now. I ain't going nowhere. I'll be right here for the Soul Train.
- I'll be right back. - For the Soul Train !
I'll be right back. [DoorbellRinging]
Oh, my goodness, is there a fii re ?
Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid there is. I don't smell no smoke. [ Sniffii ng ]
and it's getting muy caliente!
Oh, Lord, have mercy ! A strip-- Oh, my !
My mother must've arranged this.
Where are you ? Oop--
Oh, bingo ! Bingo.
Chunky Butt, thank you so much for making this easy.
I thought this was gonna be diffiicult.
Chunky Butt made this a nice, easy task forme.
Yes, yes, yes.
Perfect. Now I gotta find something to cut this with.
Maybe a little fertilizer or something.
Oh, this is gonna be perfect, Chunky Butt.
I think this will help spruce up your presentation quite a bit.
[Anna] Oh, Lord!
I didn't know there was gonna be a stripper.
I didn't know there was gonna be a stripper.
Mama ! Mama ! [Women Screaming]
Oh, we gonna have the whole room smelling like ass.
Shake it, shake. And it's like I was never here.
Oh ! Oh !
Hey ! You scared me just now. I thought you was a monster.
Mmm-mmm ! What areyou--
- Hey, what-- - Stripper man, stripper man.
- You're not supposed to be out here. - This must be your lucky night.
- You're supposed to be in the house. - I'm fiittin' to teach you...
- ever trick I know. - [ Gulps ]
- l seen the way you logging me inside. - No, no, no, no.
[ With Deep Voice ] I'm logging you too.
- Oh ! - Oh ! Oh ! Oh !
- Oh, stripper man. - [ Yelling ]
- Oh, I feel so vulnerable. - [ Retches ]
Come on. Let's get it on right now, right here, right now.
Oh, stripper. Wait. Just calm-- Relax a second.
Now, listen. We gonna get it on. But not out here.
You don't wanna get it on out here, do you, in this nasty, stink garage ?
Let's go in the house in a warm bed where I can give you the shimmy.
I'll meet you in your room. I ain't falling for that trick.
I'm gonna get that knot out your back.
You gonna have togive me a little sugar right now, or l'll scream.
No, no, don't scream. Don't scream.
No, no, no. Shh, shh. Wait, wait, wait. l'll give you a little kiss.
A little peck on the cheek. Meet you up in the room. Ain't gonna hurt nobody.
You're so cute. Come here. l want a little sugar.
Oh, God !
Oh, Ken Norton !
Folks, we want toget everybody into the presentation,
so please have your press credentials ready.
Well, if it isn't ol' Chunky Butt. Buddy, what are you doing here ?
I just came down for your big presentation. You're not nervous, are you ?
No, I ain't nervous. ''No, I ain't.'' ''No, I ain't.''
That's interesting. Starting to sound kind of ignorant.
But don't worry. If this professor thing don't work out,
there's always room for another brother down at the car wash.
They could put a big beach towel on your ass,
and you can stand in the doorway as the cars come out...
and dry 'em a side at a time.
That's your future. Buddy, I notice since the split-up...
that, uh, I ain't really-- I haven't really felt like myself.
I was wondering if you've been experiencing any changes.
Not at all. I feel great. Never felt better in my life.
Business is really starting to look up for me, Sherm. [CatShrieks]
Hey, you betterrun ! Come here !
Come here, pussy ! You're a pussy ! That's what you are.
l'll killyou! l'll killyou! Come here, you pussy!
Sherman coming on in a minute.
Well, what channel's Sherman gonna come on ? Anybody know ?
Have some of these brownies. They're still warm. Don't drop 'em on my floor now.
All right, everbody. Sherman getting ready to come on TV now. Everbody gather around.
You know, fame is gonna pass.
And the only thing that's permanent is family.
Ain't that right, Daddy ? Oh, shit ! Get your ass out that chair !
How many times, Ernest, I gotta tell you to stay out my damn chair ? Aw, man.
You work on them cars all day gonna put the grease all in my chair, smear the grease there.
Gotta sit on this grease. My gray pants still got grease all over 'em 'cause ofyou.
You happy ? You got your chair. Enjoy. Stay out my damn chair.
Ernest, will you please tell your father to be quiet ? Sherman's coming on.
- What channel Sherman come on ? - Tell me what she just said,
- I'll come over there and whup your ass. - [Applause On TV]
That's the channel. Watch the damn TV.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for coming out. My name is Professor Sherman Klump.
I'm a professor here at Wellman College.
- Ooh ! [ Clapping ] - Look at him.
-Joe College. - Look how dashing he look. He lookjust like Billy Dee.
- Boy look handsome. - Billy Dee ! Billy Dee ! Billy Dee ! Billy Dee !
- Billy Dee Klump. - As you all know,
Ponce de Leon searched his entire life for the Fountain ofYouth.
And today we will complete his journey.
So, uh, ladies and gentlemen, l'dlike to present to you all,
uh, the Wellman College youth formula.
- Maybe I need to take some ofthat. - It don't cure ugly.
- Does Clesius know I'm strapped ?
- Well, come on. Shoot. Come on. Shoot. - I'm strapped, nigga.
- Tell him. I'm strapped. - And ifyou miss, I'm gonna finish you off.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all.
- Well, she messin' with me. - Stop the violence. Stop the violence.
And don't say nothing. I'm tring to watch Sherman.
Okay, cool, cool.
Boy, would I like to throw some hot grease on you.
This is Molly. Molly is a one-year-old, and Petey is four.
Petey is our candidate for genetic ''transmografiication.''
Petey here-- Petey is ourcandidate forgenetic "transmofilectesy. "
The "youthification--" That ain't a word.
Howcome Uncle Sherman's talking funny ?
- He's starting to sound like you, Dad. - He don't sound right, do he ?
What do you mean, ''sound like me'' ? What's that ? Sherman up in a ivor tower...
just 'cause he went to college.
I could've gone to college if I took that damn...
elastic ''appitude'' test.
Hey, shut up. What the hell's wrong with Sherman ?
You be breaking me down in front of my seed on the regular.
The reason we, uh-- he-- We gonna make him young.
So I say, um, let's get it on !
I'm gonna just give a drop ofthis to Petey.
We watch and see what happens.
- Isaac, you watching that ? - Hey, that ain't right.
- Hamsters will be hamsters, huh ? - Oh !
- What in blazes-- - Oh ! - Look at that !
- That's cool. That's real cool. - Look at that !
Petey ! Down, boy !
- Petey ! - Shoot him ! Shoot him !
No, no. No. Please, l'm not that kindof--
Oh, my God. l have to turn the channel. l don't want my babyseeing that.
- That man ain't never gonna be right again. - Oh !
- Somebody need to take Isaac's pressure. - Oh, what's wrong with this ?
- Something like that will ruin a man. - Coverthe baby's eyes.
That's too much excitement for my baby. Turn the channel.
- I can't even turn. - That's nasty. - That's what that is.
[Anna] Turn the baby's eyes. And he don't need to know what it is, Mama.
Now, was that supposed to happen ?
[Buddy] lt's the lovely Miss Guilford. Mr. Love.
What a wonderful day we're having, huh ?
Why am I not surprised to see you here ?
Well, I figured since it turns out that Professor Klump ain't your man after all,
you might wanna talk a deal.
All right. Have your formula ready for presentation on Friday.
Friday it is.
See you Friday. Lovely dress. Mm-hmm.
I'll wear something sharp.
Oh, Dean. I'm just tring to figure out what went wrong here.
I just don't understand. It must've been some sort of contaminant or something.
The deal with Phleer is off. I just spoke to Leanne Guilford.
But that doesn 't botherme.
After all, what's $ million ?
Oh ! Dean Richmond, I am so sorry.
I'm really tring to get to the bottom of this, because this was not supposed to happen.
No, that's not what bothers me.
Deals will come and deals will go.
Wellman... will always be Wellman.
But I'll tell you what does bother me.
On the way over here, a cute little boy pointed at me and said,
''Oh, look, Mommy, there goes the hamster's bitch !''
Uh-- [ Clears Throat ] Dean, whatever it's worth,
Petey is back to normal and feelingjust fine. Oh, yeah ?
- Do you think he'll call ? - [ Clears Throat ]
Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm-- I'm sorry. Stop... speaking !
I just want to go on record as saying that-- [ Muttering ]
Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.
I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years.
And here it is.
You're fat ! [ Chuckles ]
- And dumb. - [DoorOpens]
It's not your fault.
I ain't never--
I'm never gonna be the same again, am I ?
I'm afraid not.
Since you've separated brain cells have been damaged.
your speech and memory--
l know. l'll be a total idiot.
Don't you think it's time you told Denise ?
Oh, no, Jason. I can't do that.
How can I tell her I'm losing the very thing...
that made her fall in love with me in the first place ?
Hi. Sherman, what are you doing here ?
How you doing ? Your mama told me I might be able to find you here.
I've been looking all over the place for you. I've been leaving messages everwhere.
I went by your place. Yeah, well, I had a lot on my mind.
You know, I walk around, going around, getting time to think.
I wonder if I can talk to you about something.
Look, I know you're upset about what happened.
But we can get right back to work with the youth formula,
and I think the problem-- No, not science.
Denise, I'm not-- This isn't about science. We can start completely over.
We can find another university. After the wedding, we can even--
That's what I'm talking about-- the wedding.
Denise, I don't think there's going to be a wedding.
Well, not-- not right away anyway.
I mean, my head's just kind of messed up right now,
and I don't think it'd be fair to you.
I made a mistake.
And I have to work that mistake out. I have to live with that.
Me, not you. See, you're so pretty, and you're so smart.
You just got your whole life ahead of you.
I just don't want to mess things up foryou. I'm--
I'm sorry, Denise.
I think I'd better get going.
[Clesius] You allright ?
Oh, l just don't understand, Clesius.
And he won't tell me why.
Anna, listen. Sometimes a man do some crazy things, you know ?
Not that he's tring to hurt nobody. He's not tring to tell you he don't love you.
Sometimes you get kind of confused, you know ?
You hear what I'm saying ?
Yes, Clesius, I hear what you're saying. [ Sniffles ]
[ Sobbing ] I'll talk to the boy.
Everthing was so fabulous.
You cut out that cring now. It's all right.
Stop all that crying. Go clean your nose up.
Go wash your hands. Snot all over the place looking nasty as hell.
What's this on me ? Goddamn, look what you put on me, Anna. What's this on me for ?
Yeah, you know something, Sherman ?
The very first building I ever worked on was on this site right here.
Yep. Isn't that something ? It was a baker.
Yeah. Tore it down two years ago.
Thirty-fiive years later, I wind up working on the thing,
building it up all over again; ain't that something ?
I expected the building I worked on was permanent.
But I was wrong, 'cause it ain't.
That's not permanent. You know what's permanent, Sherman ?
You know what's permanent ? I'm gonna tell you.
What me and your mama got. That's permanent.
That ain't going no place. You know what I mean ?
If you get you a woman that really, really loves you,
you've got to hold on to that, Sherman.
Yeah, that's true, Daddy. Yeah, I knows I sure do love Denise.
Well, then y'all gotta get back together then.
Get back together ? Daddy, that's it. Yeah.
Get back together. If we get back together, that'll make everthing okay.
Dynamite. Go call the girl. Say what ? Not Denise. Buddy.
Me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everthing fine between me and Denise.
Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp.
I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young.
I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest-- I eat it ! I eat it ! Huh ?
That's it. Daddy, that'll work.
I wouldn't have even thought about that.
This is fantastic ! What are you gonna eat ?
Sherman ! Damn !
Hello, Sherman. l heard you were here.
Give me a minute, Dean, and I'll be on my way. Trespass all you like.
- It goes so well in court with grand theft. - I beg your pardon.
You're tring to sell the youth formula under a different identity.
Who do you think you are ? Dean, you just don't understand, really.
That's always possible. Then help me out if you don't mind. Explain it.
Why is Buddy Love meeting with Phleer ?
Oh, my goodness. I gotta hurry up. Not so fast, pal.
I'm not letting you out of my sight until both our names are on that contract.
I'm going to be stuck on you like a giant hamster on my a--
Where you go, I go. I have no time to stand here and argue with you.
Ifyou wanna come along, I'll explain it to you on the way.
Ladies and gentlemen and distinguished guests, it is showtime.
Now I'd like to present to you exhibit ''A.''
His name is Zeke, and it is ver clear...
that Zeke has been getting his ass whipped by Father Time for many, many years.
Oh, my God, Sherman.
Sherman ! Sherman ! Sherman !
- Hey, hey, hey, Denise. - Thank God.
What the hell's going on ? Papa Klump, have you seen Sherman ?
He's in trouble. Oh, tell me about it.
First the boy acting crazy and called off the wedding. Then he talking about eating some guy.
I don't know if it's something I need to talk to the boy about.
Wait. Eating somebody ? Yeah, he said he's gonna eat some man.
Of course. Buddy.
Yeah, that's the guy. What's going on between the three of y'all ?
- What's this, a kind of menage a trois ? - I know where Sherman is.
Ladies and gentlemen, if Zeke dropped dead right now, who would care ?
- I would. - My point exactly.
Exactly. That no person, no matter who they are,
no matter how hopelessly disgusting their case may be,
should be left without a second chance.
Andthat is why l wouldlike to introduce... New You,
a fully copyrighted product being offered to you...
by the good people of Love Enterprises.
Now, if you'd be so kind, Zeke, would you drink this up, please ?
It's kind of like Mogen David, but fruitier.
Wait ! l'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen !
But I cannot go on living unless I have this man inside me right now.
- Steady, sailor. - What the hell is going on here ?
Well, if it isn't Professor Sherman Klump, the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster.
- Please ! - Buddy, I am sick and I am tired...
of your s-h-- [Richmond] "l. "
Thank you. T-E.
My shite ? Oh, really ? Well, what you gonna do about it, Shamu ?
- Tell you what I'm gonna do. - I don't have no time to play no games with your ass.
- You got time to play a little catch, don't you ? - Oh, you bastard.
- Aw !
Buddy, Buddy. Buddy.
Get it, Buddy. Buddy !
Na, na, na, na. Hey, Buddy. Fetch.
What the hell is that ?
Who's dumb now ?
Oh, Sherman. Oh, you sneaky son ofa bitch.
Oh, Sherman !
Oh, no !
Oh, shit ! Uh-- ah-- ah-- Everbody calm down.
This is a part of the demonstration. Just calm-- Relax.
Everything's undercontrol. What the hell are you looking at ?
This is an impressive package for a toddler. All right, Mr. Toddler.
Nothing to see here, folks. This mutant is about to dissolve into liquid,
and then the fat man is going to suck him through a straw.
Sorry, Buddy. l just want my life back.
You don't owe him any explan-- What ? Come here.
Oh, you rotten son of a-- Oh !
- I'm hit ! I'm hit ! - Forget it, fat ass.
I ain't going back inside of you. Mmm. Got milk ?
Thank you, baby.
He's getting away.
Dean, I want that formula. Bring me the man who made it. I'm ready to make a deal.
Hmm ? Right.
I'm naked ! I'm naked ! I'm naked ! I'm naked ! I'm naked !
- There he is. - What the hell is happening ?
What the hell was that ? Buddy.
All right, that's it. Slow the car down ! Slow down !
We can't help Sherman wrapped around no light pole.
We've got to get to him. He and Buddy have to be combined immediately.
Where's the little snot now ?
- What the hell are you looking at ? - [Richmond] Come on.
What ? What ?
Don't feel right. Starting to feel a little light-headed.
If you quit now, you're gonna be empty-headed. Come on, Klump. Let's get him.
Get a hold of this, chubby. [ Screams ]
Whoo ! You got a big ass !
- What ? - Follow that ass.
Aw, hell. Now, what's all of this ?
- Move out the way, damn it ! - Wait a minute. I think I see him.
Oh, no. Don't even think about it. Don't you do it.
Oh, you're doing it.
- Ow ! - Stop !
All right, tubby.
Let's see how long you last without me.
What ? What ? That's it ?
He's gone ? Ah, I-I-- da-da--
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Oh, that's marvelous.
The deal is dead, you know that ?
I've been calling you a moron for years. Now you're finally--
I'll just get a cab.
- Ohhh, Sherman ! - I raised a genius.
- No one isperfect. - l want to beperfect forher. - Perfect ?
- About time you told Denise ? - l checked the file. - There's no future.
You will never learn to control him till you accept the fact he is apart of you.
You okay ?
Gone-- he's all gone. Buddy ? He evaporated ?
Gone. And me no smart. Never. No more.
Sherman, that's okay. I mean, we'll figure something out.
There has to be something that we can do.
I want to say I'm-- I'm sorry.
I never-- I didn't want to hurt you. You understand ?
I thought that if you knew that Buddy was a part of me,
I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
Sherman. Now, hear me.
Hear me out now.
I should've had more faith in you.
Should've had more faith in myself.
But I-- Sherman.
Sherman, what's wrong ? Sherman ?
- Can't you hear, son ? - Sherman, look at me.
Who am I ?
Pretty lady. Oh, honey.
Oh, that's nice.
- It's gonna be okay. - Nice.
I'll take care of you.
Oh ! Come on. Let's get the boy home.
Come on. Let'sget him home. Come on.
Go home now.
Oh, look at the-- the pretty water.
Oh, my God. lt's Buddy.
- His DNA burst into water molecules. Sherman, quick. - What the hell ?
Drink this. No. Dirty water.
No. Come on, honey. You have to drink this. Please.
Drink dirty water. Look at me. What's my name ?
Denise. You're Denise. Oh, yes. Drink some more.
Denise. Come on. Drink some more.
What's two times two ? Two times two is four.
Four times four ? Four times four is fiif-- sixteen.
Sherman, yes. Drink some more before Buddy disperses.
Come on, boy.
What's your mama middle name ? [ Mumbling ]
Oh, hell, no. That ain't it.
Get a lot now. Get a lot.
Pearl. He said Pearl ! He said Pearl !
Anna Pearl. Sherman, what's the square root of ?
- That's a hard one. - Four thousand,
. Oh, yes !
Oh, Sherman, yes !
Oh, fabulous ! Oh !
- Dynamite ! Dynamite ! - That's so lovely.
This go out to the new Mr. and Ms. Sherman Klump.
- Hear ! Hear ! - Come on, ya'll. Take it down.
Whoo ! Ernie, this mine. This mine, Ernie.
Yes, indeed. You surely are one in a million.
And I am finally in charge, all right ? All the way in charge.
Sherman Klump in charge.
You know I saved Sherman's life. Clesius Klump, stop all that bragging.
Come on. Dance with me. Excuse us. I'll get right back at ya.
Okay, you guys, you ready ?
You know what this means, don't you ?
- [ Squeaking ] - [Ernie] Piece of happiness to call my own.
Anna Pearl, you are looking foxy fii ne tonight. Oh !
Yeah, you got me feeling like I'm years old again.
Oh, Cle-- Ooh !
Ooh, Clesius, is that your--
Mm-hmm. You damn right.
Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules !
I love you,Joe College !
Klump ? [Clatters]
Aw, shit. The prop's falling apart.
You get the heart pumping with the red wine.
The better the circulation.
Pumping heart, red wine. One and one is two. Powerful erection.
Powerful erection !
You bitches done ruined everthing.
I just told you, bitch ! I'm gonna kick your ass now !
I'm logging you too.
What have l done ? What have l done ? What have l done, O Lord ?
Hurry, Clesius. Hurry. Hurry, Clesius.
Oh, Clesius. Lord, hurry.
Clesius, my ''ariolas'' is gonna pop.
See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.