Kung Pow: Enter The Fist Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Kung Pow: Enter The Fist script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Oedekerk movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Kung Pow: Enter The Fist. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Kung Pow: Enter The Fist Script



[ Baby Fussing ]



[ Snapping ]



[ Knocking ]



[ Rustling ]



[ Woman Screaming ]



[ Cooing ]






Master Pain,

what do we do?



Open the mouth.



- [ Chuckles ]

- [ Baby Giggles ]



[ Gasps ]

The Chosen One !



Huh? What?






[ Grunting, Groaning ]



Kill it !



[ Giggling ]



We will all be cursed !



[ Both Scream ]



Hmm. Hmm?



Mm? Hmm !



Mm, lighter, mm-hmm.



[ Crying ]



[ Baby Thuds ]



[ Coos ]



So cute.



[ Laughs ]



Bye-bye !



[ Man Whispers ]

He's in the movie.



So is she.



He is too.



[ Man Whispers ]

it's starting now.



[ Man Narrating ]

The child had become a man.



Rolling to the bottom

of a gully,



he was raised

by various rodents.



Having no true home,

he wandered the wilderness...



in search of the one

who stole his life.



So on he walked...



and sometimes drove.



And occasionally,



partied with

the desert creatures.



[ Creatures Chanting ]

Party ! Party ! Party !



Little did he know...



that before him lied

a mystical road...



of great warriors

and legends.



[ Lisping ]

Your days are over, mister.



[ Sniffiing ]



[ Attack Yell ]



[ Narrator ]

He lived under constant attack.



What they had not accomplished

when he was a child...



they sought to nowfiinish.



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



Through his adversity,

he learned to fiight...



- [ Gasps ]

- and fiight well.



The more he fought,

the more his powers grew.



[Whistles ]



- i mean, crap, man ! Look at that.

- Ohh--



- [ All Screaming ]

- That's, like, his stomach plug

on the ground back there.



[ Scoffs ]

You don't see that every day.



i mean, that doesn't really even

seem possible if you think about it,



with body organs and cartilage

and bones and--



i mean, i'm no doctor,

but it was like one clean chunk.



Uh-oh. Trouble.



[ Demonic Voice ]

Open your mouth !



[ Gasping ]



[ Roar ]



- [ Leader Roars ]

- [ All Yelling ]



Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi !



Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi ! Uuh !



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



[ Barking ]



I need gopher-chuks.



[ Gophers Squealing ]



[ Roaring, Seething ]






[ Sustained Yell ]



Uuh !



[ All ]

Our... sexual... preferences...



are... our... own...




[ Both Chuckling ]



- Yeah.

- Oh, you.



[ All ]




- [ Bell Rings ]

- Hey, oh. Huh?



He"s an outsider.

Have you ever seen him before?




Well, twice.



Hey, who"s he?



I don"t know.



...and that day, I vowed

to fiind the man who killed my family.



Can you help me?



And why have you

come to me?



You are Master Tang.

Your skills are greatly known.



I"ve traveled many years

and miles to fiind you.



How many miles?

Would you say ten million?




No, I don"t think ten million.



Look, I need your help.

I live under constant attack.



Hmm. Your story

makes my heart heavy...



and my prostate weak.



My bladder is full

to bursting.



I feel for you

and your grave loss.



However, it will be impossible

for us to help you.



Master, I implore you

to reconsider.



Hmm. Okay !



The man you seek,

his name is Master Pain.



He has great powers and is

well protected by the Evil Council.



[ Gagging, Coughing ]



But now I am in a quandary.



F}or if your story is true,

then you would--




[ Gagging ]



[ Clears Throat ]

What are the odds of that?



[ Swallows ]



You would be

the Chosen One.



- [ Squeak-toy Sound ]

- Master !



Ah, again with

the squeaky shoes.



Master, I was hoping one day

I could be the Chosen One.



- Be quiet !

- Master !



I don"t like him very much.

Let"s kill him.



- Sit down !

- Eeyah !



- [ Squeaks ]

- [ Sighs ]



i must apologize for Wimp Lo.

He is an idiot.



We have purposely trained him wrong,

as a joke.



Hah ! [Tittering ]

If you"ve got an ass, I"ll kick it.



- Hmm.

- Legend tells us...



that the true Chosen One...



will bear the mark

of infiinite wisdom.



Yea, yea !



[ Barks ]



What in God"s name

is that thing?



He seems to be the reason

I"m pursued.



There are so many things

I"ve yet to understand.



- Does it have a name?

- Tonguey.



I should not have asked.



Still, this is

a glorious day,



for the Chosen One has come

to free us from the Evil Council.



I remember

a long time ago...



when a good friend of mine

told me...



there would be

a Chosen One.



There will be

a Chosen One.



Then he told me...



of the signifiicance.



It will be signifiicant.



And then he killed the dog.



- [ Grunting ]

- [ F} arting ]



- [ Dog Whines ]

- [ Thudding ]



I now offiicially know too much.

And why are you in bed?



Oh, you won"t even believe

what happened next.



- No, please !

- Very well, Chosen One.



i invite you

to train with us...



until you fiind the whereabouts

of Master Pain.



- I"ll do it !

- In your dreams !



- Ohh--

- [ Coughing ]



Yes, yes.

Yes, play me like a drum.



[ Groaning ]



[ Clearing Throat ]



By the way, my student Ling,

here, will assist you.



Be not concerned of her shyness,

for it will pass.



There you go.



I will stay...

eh, to train.



Thank you, Master Tang.



[ Coughing ]



Now, you two,

on with your training.



- Yes. Sure.

- As you know,



I am a man

of special needs.



You will now receive

the F}ist of F}ury.



[ Coughing ]

Prepare the long rubber glove.



- [ Rubber Stretching, Snapping ]

- Eeny, meeny,



miney, moe,



i wonder where

my glove will go.



- Open your mouth !

- Open it !



You ! Open !



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



Hey, guys, what"s goin" on?

[ Groaning ]



Hey ! Ooh !



Master Pain, it is a great honor having

you beating random people in our town.



Especially that helpless man

you just hit. Welcome !



Hmm. My fiinger points.



Wimp Lo,

you must be careful.



Your confiidence is disproportional

to your abilities.



You think losing

is winning.




Uh, uh-- Huh?



Hmm. The Chosen One

is here to help us.



- I like him a lot, and--

- Listen ! Shh.



I see the way you look at him.

I"m a man, too, you know.



- I go pee-pee standing up.

- Hmm. Mm.



- I will defeat him !

- Please, don"t.



I will...



- defeat him !

- [ Squeaking ]



- Whee !

- Whee !



[ Narrator ]

The Chosen One trained,



for part of him knew

what lied ahead.



Wow ! i'll have some

of whatever he's smokin'!



[ All ]

Huh !



Huh !



Huh !



The others soon

warmed up to him...



and his "friend. "



[ Tonguey ]

Mm ! Mm, mm !




Knock, Knock. Who"s there?



Your butt that"s

about to be kicked.



Take a close look,

"cause I rule, baby !



And who do you rule?

The Large, Dark Nipple People?



I rock... and roll...

all day long, sweet Susie !



[ Giggling ]

I challenge you !



[ Snorts ]



Leap that wall

if you"re so great.



Hmm !



- [ Squeaking ]

- Big deal. Up and over ! Oi !



- Hmm !

- Huh !



Now we"ll...

learn who"s the best.



Hmm !



- Huh? I-- Uh--

- [ Squeaking ]



Aha ! F} ace-to-foot style.

How"d you like it?



I"m sure on some planet

your style is quite impressive.



But your weak link is,

this is Earth.



- [ Exasperated Sigh ]

- Oh, yeah?

Try my nuts-to-your-fiist style !



Oh ! Uuh !

Who"s laughing now?



Please, stop ! Wimp Lo sucks

as a fiighter ! A child could beat him !



- [ Squeaking ]

- I"m gonna count to three, and if

I hear one more friggin" squeak,



- I"m gonna take his shoes

and shove "em up his--

- Chosen One !



- Master Pain"s in town !

- Did you hear that?

Master Pain? Are you sure?



Gotcha now ! Guy-ee !



- Ay, ay ! Why? Why?

- No ! Please !



I am bleeding,

making me the victor.



Master Pain"s meeting with the mayor.

Oh, this is bad.



[ Suppressed Scream ]



[ Men Chattering ]



Eh, Master Pain...



will perform his skill.






[ Shouts ]



Mm, hah !



- [ Applause ]

- Towel. Mm, thanks.



[ Clears Throat ]



Now, then, Master Pain

has heard rumor...



that the Chosen One

was spotted in town.



Do what he says,

or he"ll cut off your big toe.



On that you can trust me.

Let him hear it.



Oh, that"s tender.

That is tender.



[ Chuckles Weakly ]



Thank you.

I have been called "bad" before.



Many have said

I do things...



that are not correct to do.



I don"t believe in

such talk as this.



I am nice man with happy feelings

all of the time !



F}irst, a joke.



What do you get when you cross

an owl with a bungee cord?



- My ass. Nyah, ha ha ! Ha ha !

- [ All Laugh ]



- Enough !

- Hmph !




from this day forward...



you will all refer to me

by the name "Betty."



[ Laughing ]



But isn"t Betty

a woman"s name?



Easy, easy !



We don"t want to lose

any more toes here.



You"ll all have to excuse

Master Pain-- uh, Betty.



It"s   :  

and time for his nap.



Heh, Betty?



Hmm, sleepy time.



Come along.

Whoo ! Aah !



i must fiind if i, too,

possess this special skill.



Remember, do not stop

until I give you the signal,



or dramatically throw you to

the ground and request a towel.



[ Clears Throat ]

I"m ready.



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



Ooh, ow ! You can't--



Could you please--



Er, uh,

should we keep going?



He said to hit him until he gave

the signal to stop.



Did anyone hear

the signal ?



Well, he was whining

for a while.



- Do you think whining was the signal ?

- Rr-rr !



Hey, whoa, easy.

We should wait a second or so.



- [ Both Grunting ]

- Hey, guys.



Come on. Oh, well.



[ Grunting,

Groaning Resumes ]



- Hey, wait, wait.

- [ Back Cracking ]



He did say the part about

dramatically throwing us off his body.



[ All ]

Oh, that"s right. Yeah.



[ Lead Attacker ]




Go ahead.



Throw us off !



He"s not gonna die, is he?



You think he wants

his towel ?



- Hey, uh--

- That"s pretty still.



Maybe it"s time we should--

We better get home, guys.



Nobody say anything

to Mom.



[ Groaning ]







Hah !



I am Whoa.






It is not yet your time.

You must not stand against Master Pain.



- It"s "Betty" now.

- Oh. You must not stand against Betty.



if you fiight,

he will kill you.



You need special training.

You cannot defeat him now.



- I"m-I"m sorry?

- You cannot defeat him now.



I will defeat him.



If you can beat him, then you

should have no problem beating me.



Mm !



Ah ! Hmm, not bad.



- [ Giggling ]

- What"s wrong?



- The supreme gift.

- Hmm?



-You must trust the power of the tongue.




- But I must warn you...

- Hmm?



in the meadow you will fiind

Betty"s great protector, Moon Yew.



Avoid the meadow.

We will meet again, Chosen One,



many more times...

in the sequel.



[ Screams ]

Ow !



[ Baby Cooing ]



[ Doorbell Rings ]



Well, at least

I have you, boy.



[ Barks ]



"Oh, Taco Bell

Taco Bell "



" Product placement

with Taco Bell "



- " Enchirito, macho burrito "

- [ All ] " Macho burrito "



Master Tang,

what are you doing here?



- I"ve come to kick ass.

- Oh !



I know you seek

the Chosen One.



And I know... [ Groans ]

what you did to his family.



Now-- Ooh ! Oi !

I"m going to beat you up ! [ Coughing ]



Do you need a glass of water

or something?



- [ Clearing Throat ]

-Jeez, at least cover your mouth !



- We"re all going to catch it !

- F}ight... [ Coughs ] or die !



Okay, I"ll shake your bouncy booty !

Hit it !



"Can't touch this "



- Hmm !

- "Can"t touch this "



- Hmm.

- "Can't touch this "



[ Singing Along ]

" My, my, my, my "



"Fresh new kicks and pants "



" You gotta like that

Now you know you wanna dance "



- "So move outta your seat "

- Move. Seat.



- "And get a fly girl and catch

this beat while it's rollin'"

- Beat. Rollin".



- "Hold on "

- What"s the time?



- "Hammer time ""

- [ Coughing ]



Please, Betty. Master Tang is

unable to fiight you. He"s pretty sick.



[ Sinister Chuckle ]



Why, I oughta-- Ooh !



Don"t. He"ll kill you

like a small dog.



Let your anger be

as a monkey in a piņata,



hiding with the candy, hoping the kids

don"t break through with the stick.



- [ Snorting ]

- Aw, jeez. And now the snorting starts.



I"m sorry. I must fiight you

when I am stronger.



Good-bye, Sally.



[Thinking ]

It"s Betty, you son of a pig.



The name is Betty.

[ Groaning ]



But Chosen One,

I want to help you, but I--






i-- i 'just can't.



I won"t. Whee-ooh !



He wasn"t at the restaurant.

Do you know where he is?



No, no !

He"ll kill you.



[ Sighs ]



Don"t go. Please.



Stay alive. Stay and live

a life here with me.



Ee-ooh-ee-ooh-ee !



Look, Ling, those curlicues on your face

make me so hot I can"t think straight.



He is well protected.

It"s impossible.



You"ll never make it.

Never make it.



Ever make it.

Never make it.



Never make it.

You"ll never make it, ever.



Don"t you see?

You can"t make it.



I implore you

to reconsider.



Hmm. Okay.



He spends his time at the top of

a waterfall, swinging a chain around.



[ Sobbing ]




You"ve got what you wanted.

Now go !



[ Crying, Squealing ]



[ Sighs ]




[ Crying, Squealing Continues ]



[ Whoa's Voice ]

Remember, avoid the meadow.



- [ Grunts, Snorts ]

- Hmm.



- [ Moos ]

- Huh?



[ F}ierce Moo ]



Ahh !



Hmm ! Hmm !



Whoa-oa-oa !



Hmm !



Hah ! Huh?



[ Laughing ]



[ Pained Moo ]



Hah ! Hah !



- Mm?

- [ Laughing ]



Huh? You like it?

Huh? F}eels good, huh?



[ Groans ]



" Swingin" the chain

Swingin" the chain "



" Swingin" the chain

Swingin" the-- " Huh?



Well, you must be quite a fiighter

to make it past my cow.



What is it you want?



Evil Betty,



I"ve come to fiinish something

I should"ve done years ago.



Remember these?



Well, you"ve grown.



I thought you

looked familiar.



Sorry, I didn"t recognize you

without crap in your pants.



I"ve trained my whole life

for this day.



I spanked you as a baby.

I"ll spank you now, bitch !



- Good luck.

- [ Man ] Wait !



You mustn"t !

You are not ready !



- Who are you?

- Ling"s father. Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee !



- Oh, dear.

- No one man can defeat Betty.



When you girls are done kissing,

I"ve got some ass kicking for you !



I have to avenge

my family !



- [ Grunts ]

- Ohh !



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



[ Narrator ]

At that moment,



the Chosen One learned

a valuable lesson about iron claws.



- They hurt like crap, man !

- [ Screams ]



Chosen One ! Oh !



Shirt ripper !



[ Narrator ]

Chosen One was clearly not ready.



He should have listened

to that one-boobed chick.



Hmm !



[ Ling"s F} ather Groaning ]

Water... everywhere !



Uuh ! All over me !

I"m... getting... wet !



Uuh ! i'm falling !

You're falling !



We"re falling !



A whale !



Mm-mm. Hmm.

Mmm, memento !



Huuh, Chosen One,

I am sorry.



[ Chosen One ]

i'll get you some help.



[ Chosen One ]

i'll get you some help.



[ Groaning ]



Let me know if you see

a Radio Shack.






- [ All ] Once again.

- [ Master Tang ] With feeling.



[ All ]

One... of us...



is wearing... a pushup bra.



it's lacy--

[ Continues, indistinct ]



[ Ling"s F} ather ]

Master Tang, please help me.



- I"m bleeding.

- Hey ! I remember you !



- [ F} arts ]

- [ Dog Whines ]



Just like old times !



- Ah, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi ! Rikki-Tikki !

- Too tight ! Stop hugging me !



- I have a mortal wound !

- Where? Where does it hurt?



Oh, pretty much around

the big, bloody spot. Oh !



- [ Moaning ]

- Come inside. I"ll get the Neosporin.



" Na na na na na "



" Neo "



" Na na na na na na na "



" Sporin "

" [ Imitating Electric Guitar ]



Please, I"m dying.



You must listen to me.



I feel the Chosen One

may give up hope.



This must not happen.



The creature in his tongue,

although a little disturbing,



possess a great

supernatural power-r-r !



[ Groans ]



W-Without Tonguey,

the council is invincible.



They will come to Betty"s aid.

Do you understand?




I don"t understand you.



[ Moaning ]



- Aha !

- No. Don't do that. it hurts.



No, it"s good,

it"s good !



No, no, please.

I have a wound there.



Come on.

Don"t spoil everything.



This works for both of us,




[ Lecherously ]

Yeah-ahh !



[ Chosen One ] The news of

your father weighs heavy on my heart.



Evidently, his wound

never closed up properly.



He gave his life for mine.



I"m so sorry, Ling.



He was my father

my entire life.



We were friends.

I loved him.



And now he"s dead--



except for his hair

and nails-- dead.



[ Quacks ]



[ Sighs ]



[ Sniffling ]



I don"t understand...



why people have to die.



Whee-ooh-whee-ooh-whee-ooh !



And now...



if-if I lose you--



Oh, man, I"m a little,

tiny, horny honey.






- Hmm !

- Mmm !



- Mm-mm-mm !

- Mmm !



Ooh-whee-ooh !



Oh, but I don"t know.

It"s so soon.



I can"t remember the last time

I felt like this.



So ready for action.



So ready for love !






I need you now

in the worst way.



I can"t control it !



Take me, man meat !



But I don"t want you

to think I"m a slut.



- [ Giggling ]

- Huh?



What? What now?



How do I proceed?



[ Deep Voice ]




I... am not Simba.



I am the Chosen One.



Ah, yes.

I am Mu Shu F} asa.



You must not be troubled,

Cho-Simba One.



He took everything from me--

a family I never knew.



What good am I now?

His powers are greater than mine.



Yes, plus when you were

hit with his iron claw,



you did scream

like a wussy.



Look inside yourself,




You must take your place

in the great circle of...






Behold the symbols.



One over here,



the other

over there.



Remember, weakening

and defeating Betty...



is the fiirst step to revealing

the council"s identity.



What is this Evil Council

everyone speaks of?



The answer you seek resides

in the stars above.



I don"t understand.



Of course you don"t.



I"m speaking in riddles.



That"s kind of the point,

like a clue that will later make you go,



"Oh, that"s what he meant !

Stars above !"



Please tell me.

What is my purpose?



Train, Cho-Simba.



You must reach

the next level.



- This is CNN.

- Wait, Mu Shu.



- CNN.

- What of my tongue?



- C... N...

- Mu Shu !



N !



[ Muttering ]



Hmm? A tiger.




Tiger, tiger, tiger.



Hmm ! Bird.




Birdie, birdie.






I am a great magician.



Your clothes are red !



[ Chuckles ]

Wow ! Please.



- Do it again. Wait, who"s that?

- [ Running Footsteps ]



[ Blubbering ]

B-- Betty.



H-He"s alive,




He"s still alive,




Still alive !

How can that be?



Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.



Your clothes are black.



Oh, the council

will not be pleased.



Uh, but, Betty,

do they have to know?



He"s supposed to be dead.

I am responsible.



Nyah ! He, alone, can disrupt

the Evil Council"s plan.



Him and that infernal Tonguey !

Eh, red clothes !



Uh, Master Betty,



might I inquire, what is

the Evil Council"s plan?



Huh ! It is evil.



My, it is so evil !



It is a bad, bad plan...



that will hurt

many people...



that are good.



I think it"s great,

"cause it"s so bad.



I-I see....

I think.



But, Master Betty,

what of the Chosen One?






I"ll kill him.

I"ll kill him dead.



Hmm, like with--

with a rock or something.



Like a-- like a stone.



[ Both ]

" We are both ventriloquists "



" Ventriloquists

Ventriloquists "



" We are both ventriloquists

and we practice every day "



- He carries the basket.

- He carries the paper roll.



" And we don"t have cysts "



" But there is one thing that"s for sure

my friends, we are ventriloquists "



Yaah ! Hmm.



- Have you seen him before?

- Never !



Ventriloquists, huh?



Nyah, nyah, nyah !



You know the location of the Chosen One.

Where is he?



[ Gasps ]

On the life of my dummy, I swear this--



I"ll never tell you where he is !

[ Grunts ]



-i am the Chosen One, outside the wall !

-Yeah, the wall !



Your mouth tricks will not work

on me, ventriloquists.



[ Narrator ]

And so began Betty's killing spree.



No one was safe.

Ouchie !



Aiding the Chosen One...



became an offense

punishable by death.



Hmm. Orson.



[ All ]




[Weakly ]

" We are both ventriloquists "



" But now we"re upside down "



- I swing a bit more.

- I swing a bit less.



" But we both swing

if you know-- "



- Got ya.

- [Whimpering ] Whee-oh !



- What? Please !

- Hold still, ma"am. Here she is, Betty.



[Whimpers ]

The Chosen One disappeared last night.



- What have you done with him?

- F}unny.



I thought you

could tell me.



Hmm. In your dreams.

Whee-oh !



Hmm !



I like "em feisty.

[ Snickering ]



You disgust me.

Whee-oh-oh-oh !



Ee-oh, whee-oh, pee-oh,

ee-oh, pee-oh !



- Whee !

- [ Droning ]



[ Squealing Continues ]



[ Droning ]



Whee ! Ohh !



- She hit me, Betty.

- No !



Go follow her,

then save her...



for me.



[ Sinister

Droning Laughing ]



" Ah, chicken go cluck-cluck

Cow go moo "



" Piggy go-- " [ Snorting ]

" How "bout you "



"Gonna be an animal

just like you-- "



Coo-coo !

Coo-coo !



I"m just a birdy too.



Uh-huh? Uh-huh?



" Lemurs go-- "

[ Sniffiing ]



"Ostrich go baah, koalas go-- "

[ Smacking Lips ]



- Huh?

- Yaah !



- Hit it !

- " I like big butts and I cannot lie "



" You other brothers

can't deny "



" 'Cause i'm long and i'm strong and

i'm down to get the friction on "



" You get sprung

wanna pull up front "



" 'Cause you noticed

that butt was stuffed "



"Use me, use me 'cause you ain't

that average groupie "



"Baby got back "



"Baby got back "



[ Thinking ]

Okay, so here were my options.



'A, "quickly duck sideways,

dodge the claw,



then take him out

with a spinning back kick.



Or "B, "take the claw

in the face,



then roll on the ground

and die.



Hmm. Should have gone

with "A."



"Don't want none

unless you got buns, hon ""



- [ Squeaking ]

- [ Chuckles ]



That"s right !

F}ollow me !



Right into my trap !



- [ Grunts ]

- [ Long Squeak ]



You go that way.

I"ll go home.



Hmm? Hmm?



[ Gasps ]







Oh ! Chosen One !



[ Quacks ]



- Ling?

- Hurry !



- I"m coming !

- Chosen One !



I"m coming !



Chosen One !



I"m coming !



Chosen One !



I"m coming !



[ Grunting, Panting ]



[ Gasping ]



[ Grunts ]



Go get some snacks.



Perhaps a carbonated soda.



I hope they have Icees !



I"ve chosen the large tub.



My nipples look

like Milk Duds.



I"ve got some yellow liquid

for your popcorn,



and it"s non-dairy.



[ Panting ]



I... will... not...

be stopped...



by a tiny net !



I"ll reverse

the capture method,



and yaah-- free.



Now I have to fiind Ling.



Ling !



Ling !



- [ Squeaks ]

- [ Gasps ]



Wimp Lo?



[ Master Tang ]

Chosen One.



Huh? Master !



- Chosen One.

- Oh, Master.



Do I look all right?



Uh, yeah, sure.



O-On a scale

from one to ten--



Uh... one.




C-Come closer, please.



Listen and listen well.



I really like

the band "N Sync.



My favorite member

is Harpo.



I think there"s a Harpo.



If not, there should be.



I will write

their next hit, maybe.



" A-boom-boom chickie-chickie

boom-boom boom-chickie "



"Chaka-chaka-choo-choo "



By the way,you must be wary

of Betty's iron claws.



They are sharp,

and they hurt.



And beware his song

about big butts.



He beats you up

while he plays it !



- [ Shrieks, Groans ]

- Master, no !



- [ Ling ] Chosen.

- Huh?






Ling !



Chosen One,

I"m... dying.



No. Please.






I will always...






Whee ! Ee-ee !



[ Snorts ]



Ling ! Ohh !



- [ Whimpering ]

- Huh?



- [Whimpering ]

- Dog !



Oh, it"s okay, boy.



[ Panting, Chokes ]



- No, it"s not. Huh?

- [ Master Tang ] Chosen One.



Master !



Oh, Master.



You"re alive.



I only did this--

[ Groaning, Sighs ]



That doesn"t mean

a person is dead.



- [ Ling ] Chosen.

- Huh?



- Ling !

- Chosen One.



Why did you run off?



Why did you leave me?



- But I thought-- Huh?

- [ Dog Barks ]



- [ Barking ]

- Oh, dog ! You"re alive !



Hey, if you"re all alive,

then surely Wimp Lo--



[ Chuckling ]

Wimp !



[ Flies Buzzing ]






Betty has gone too far.



Killing is wrong...

and bad.



There should be a new,

stronger word for killing...



like "badwrong"

or "badong."



Yes, killing is "badong."



F}rom this moment, I will stand

for the opposite of killing,






" [ Humming ]



Excuse me, kind blacksmith.



Do you know where I can fiind little,

silver, triangular pyramid caps...



- roughly an inch

and a half in diameter ?

- Right here in my hand.



[ High-pitched Yell ]



Yaah !



[Whistling ]



[ Grunting ]



[ Narrator ] Betty's protective

caps were the source of his power.



in order to defeat him,

they would have to be removed.



- Chosen One tried and tried,

- [Yelling ]



but they were too smooth

to pull and pointy.



So they would, like,

poke your hands...



- if you didn't get it 'just right.

- [ Screams ]



So he got frustrated,

as any one of us would.



[Whimpering ]



[ Grunting ]



Okay, maybe a little more

than any one of us would.



I"ll never be able

to do it, ever !



[ Sobbing ]



Don"t look at me !



Your hands-- let me see.



[ Gasps ]



It hurts?



How "bout now?



And now?



And this?



You broke a thermometer

in my hands.



" [ Humming ]



Rub it all in my hair.



" [ Humming Along

To Soundtrack Music ]



You just get stranger

and stranger and stranger.



Your hands--

How are they now?



I don"t know.

They feel like they"re on fiire.






So you really think

that"s hot?



"Cause I"ll show you hot.



Now try.



[ Water Gurgling ]



You have helped me reach

the next level.



And here I was starting to think

you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.



[ High-pitched Yelping ]



So, what you--

what you guys doing later, huh?



I was just going

to hang out, but...



maybe we could get a pizza

or, you know,



scam some chicks

or something, right?



"Cause, um,

I don"t know--



I do like the ladies,

you know. I do like "em.



Hmm, I like-a them,

and they like-a me back.



Master Betty,

my compliments.



That tiny net

was surefiire.



Hmm, yes, a tiny net

is a death sentence.



It"s a net,

and it"s tiny.



Sure. At this very moment,

he"s out in a fiield,



rotting like a papaya,



while we"re in here,

cozy and enjoying the good life.



- [ Sinister Chuckling ]

- [ Snickering ]



[ Snickering,

Chuckling Continue ]









[ Angry Grunt ]

Oh, man !



This is all i need.



Hmm. Hmm.



[ Gulps ]



Uh, E-Evil Council ?



I-I, uh,

got-got your message.



[ Echoing ]




[ Chuckling ]

N-Now batting, Mike Piazza !



[ Electronic Rumbling ]



Whoa. Oh, s-sorry,

Evil Council.



I-It"s just echoey,

and I--



[ Low Rumbling ]



No, that-that

is not possible.



Not again.

He has to be dead.



- [ Rumbling ]

- No, no.



I can handle him,



but, of course,

welcome your assistance.



[ Loud Hissing ]



So he"s at the temple.



Thank you, Evil Council.



This guy is toast.



Tell me...

what you"re thinking.



Of how best

to deal with Betty.



But you"ve mastered

your technique.



You should be able

to beat him now.



I"m sorry?



But you mastered

your technique.



You should be able

to beat him now.



I got everything but the last part,

through "you should be able."



You should be able

to beat him now.



Perhaps, but wooden dummies

don"t fiight back.



While I"m ripping out the caps,

I"m completely defenseless.



For instance, the fiirst move

could be like this.



i could leap like a freak, then

throw in a back-snapping eel strike.



But he'd have

a clear shot at my ribs.



i could always pretend

i'm a bird.



But that would 'just look stupid

and leave my small,

sensitive balls completely exposed.



The best approach would be

to go for both caps at once.



No matter what the tactic,

they all have a flaw.



[ Shouting ]

You should be able to beat him now !



No matter.

I think I have an idea.



[ All Laughing ]

We"re children !



We"re children !

We"re children ! We"re children !



We're children !

We're children !



- I"ll take a pound of nuts.

- That"s a lot of nuts !



[ Shouting ] That"ll be four bucks,

baby ! You want fries with that?



He just left with nuts !



[ Chittering ]



I know you"re here.



My name"s Betty.

Nyah !






Yaah !



- Waah !

- Shirt ripper !



Hit it.



[ Woman ]

" There's got to be a morning after ""



" [ Upbeat ]



- " Whoa, Black Betty "

- Hmm?



" Whoa, Black Betty "



" Whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa "



" Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam

Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam "



"Black Betty had a child

bam-ba-lam "



" The damn thing gone wild

bam-ba-lam "



Hmm, I could dance

like that...



if I felt like it.



You killed my family,



and I don"t like

that kind of thing.



- Oh, goodness !

- " Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam "



" Whoa, Black Betty

Bam-ba-lam "



"Black Betty

Bam-ba-lam "




Bam-ba-lam "



- "Bam-ba-lam, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa "

- My undies.



"Black Betty, bam-ba-lam

Black Betty got a child "




Damn thing's gone wild, bam-ba-lam ""



Eh? Oh, doggie hump.



[ Narrator ]

And then all hell broke loose.



[ Betty ]

Oh,yes, the council.



Ho-ho !



[ Muttering ]



Yes, the Evil Council...



are aliens.



" [Woman Singing

In F}rench ]



They"re F}rench.



Ha-ha-ha !

Stinky pits and all, baby !



[ Betty ]

Okay, fiire me up.



Oh,yes !

Ha ha ha !



Ha ha !



[Yells ]



Oh, God.



Hmm, as you"ve

probably concluded,



the Evil Council

is based in France...



and will soon rise

to world domination. [ Snickering ]



[ High-pitched Yells ]



Enjoy the paralyzer !






Another paralyzer !



[ Snickering ]



Say good night, floppy.




[ Cackling ]



[ Cackling Continues ]



Your booties.



""[ French Continues ]



Do it for your family,

and so I can be in the sequel.



Stars above. Aliens.

Was I right or what?



Oh, you need

to open your mouth.



[ Speaking F}rench ]



Sacrebleu !



Uh-- Huh?



Oh, no, guys. Come on !



[Yelling ]



[ Hissing ]



[ Laughing ]



[ Groaning ]



[ Grunts ]



[ Loud, Sustained Moaning ]



Ouch. I fell

and hurt my tummy.



[ Loud Groaning ]



- [ Sighs ]

- [ Groaning, Gagging ]



Thank you, squirrel friend.



Your soft, cushy body

helped absorb the force of his blow.



Now, for my part

of the bargain.



- [ No Sound ]

-[ Barking ]



[ Barking Continues ]



Chosen One !



Chosen !



[ Snorting ]

Whee ! Whee ! Whee !




you"re alive.



It"s okay, Ling.

There"s nothing to worry about anymore.



[ Narrator ]

That's what he thought.



[ Grunting ]



What is your purpose?



Whee-ohh !



Hmm. I see you brought

your friends this time.



- [Whinnying ]

- [ Bleating ]



[ Clucking, Shrieking ]



[ Chicken Clucks ]



- " Whoo "

- [ Man Laughing ]



You mustn"t.

You are not ready.



""[ Man Singing in Japanese ]



""[ Continues ]



Rub it all in my hair.



Let me know if you see

a Radio Shack.



He has great powers and is

well protected by the Evil Council.



[ Coughing ]



He has great powers and is

well protected by the Evil Council.



[ Coughing ]



[ Beeping ]



[ Man ]

And playback.



That's a lot of nuts !



[ People Laughing ]



- That-- Why don"t you

turn it down a little bit?

- [ Laughing Continues ]



Open your mouth.



Yea-yea !



Okay, cut.

I-I can"t work with this thing.



Yea-yea !



At least the winking--

the winking has to stop. Stop the--



Yea-yea !



Look, I"ll get

some tweezers...



and choke you with a cotton ball,

you son of a--



[ Gasps ]



- Okay, I"m gonna need a cup.

- [ People Laughing ]



[ People Laughing ]



- [ Squeaking ]

- Up and over !



[ People Laughing ]



And now he"s dead.



Oh, jeez.

I forgot my line again.



I think it"s--

[ Quacks ]



Oh, thank you.

[ Quacks ]



[ People Laughing ]



- [ Goat Bleating ]

- Oh.



You don"t seem too sweaty--

[ Laughing ]



- ""[ Singing Continues ]

- [ Mooing ]



[ Mooing ]



"Be the Chosen One ""



[ Groaning ]



No, don"t do that.

It hurts.



[ Man ]

Cut ! Cut !



The director

said cut.



You should

stop that now.




I"m aware of that.



I"m rehearsing.

You know-- Rehearse.



F}rom this day forward,



you will all refer to me

by the game--



- Oh, jeez. Did I say "game" ?

- [ People Laughing ]



it was a long day.



Hey, is someone

going to come get me?



There"s like a hawk

or something.



Oh, dear.

That"s not good.



Um, Mr. Hawk,



could you please, uh,

stop with the leg-eating?



Oh, my.

Hey, it"s not funny.

[ People Laughing ]



What"s so--

He"s a predator,

for crying out loud !



Hey,'just because

you fade to black...



doesn't mean he's stopped.



He's still eating me.

i promise.



Somebody give me a stick !



Save the whales.




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