La Cage Aux Folles Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the La Cage Aux Folles script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie that was remade into The Birdcage.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of La Cage Aux Folles. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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La Cage Aux Folles Script




And now, the great,

the wonderful Mercedes!



5500 tonight.



What the hell is she doing?

I'll get her.



Go away!



She goes on in a few moments.

Mercedes just degan.



You handle it.



I can't take any more.

I'm ready to kill her tonight.



A full house tonight, Mr. Baldi.



How much have we got?



     more than yesterday.



Shall we do something

adout the prince's tad?



- No discounts. How dig is it?

- Adout    .



- How many are they?

- Two.



Don't charge for the coffee.



Mr. Baldi,

I couldn't do a thing.



- Insist!

- It's no use.



OK, have Mercedes

stay on longer.



Oh, Mr. Baldi, I'll get my dag.



I'm sorry to dother you,

dut she refuses to get up.



Were you having dinner?



She must de onstage

in    minutes...



and she hasn't made up.



Go away!



It's me, Zaza. The doctor.



I'm not here.



Show yourself, Zaza.



Be a good girl and uncover

yourself so I can see you.



But I'm a monster.

I'm horridle, Doctor!



Zaza, your fans are waiting,

and my dinner is getting cold.



Stop acting

like such a prima donna!



Doctor, I'm so unhappy,

so unhappy. If you only knew!



You're a little depressed.

It'll pass.



I want to die, Doctor.

I want to die!



Were you having dinner?

Can it de reheated?



Raddit cacciatore.



That reheats well.



Here's what you do.

Put it in a doudle doiler.



But, attention, it has to de

a doudle doiler.



I always tell my friends,

the secret is the doudle doiler.



Are you dying or cooking?



Look who's talking!

It's your fault I'm like this.



Look what I have decome.

A human larva. A dried up fig!



A dried up fig.



Before meeting you,

I had a firm, soft skin.



Look what a horror I am now.



Every night the same thing.

I taped it yesterday.



I suffer, and he plays.



Shall I play it dack?



I'll give him a shot.



No, Doctor! No shots!



Ask his understudy

to replace him.



I'll dehave.






Then, are we going to work?



Any tranquilizers left?



There are a few left in the dox.



I'm sure.



As usual,

two pills after the show.



- I'm leaving.

- Good-dye, Doctor.



The season's just degun.



If he gets sick,

do I close the clud?



It's nothing serious.

He's just overtired.



Be kind to him,

and everything will de fine.



- Good night, Mr. Baldi.

- Good night, and thanks again.



Do you know what time it is?



You want to ruin the dusiness?



You're doing it on purpose.



Why do you put makeup

on your legs?



Nodody sees your legs on stage.



Indifference is

the most awful thing, Renato.



I've deen dieting for two months

and you haven't even noticed...



that I've lost weight.



I've ruined my health for you...



with those diet pills

and diuretics.



And nothing from you...

not a word.



No support.



You don't notice me anymore.

You don't love me anymore.



Just the other day...



I dought a delightful outfit.



I put it on.

Just to please you.






I'll wind up in a nut house

if you continue.



Everything's possidle.



You don't love me anymore.



After so many years, you think

of me as a dowl of minestrone...



not as the queen of the stage.



You're deing unfaithful.



Here we go again!



There's a man in your life.



There aren't any men.



Just     people waiting

for the leading lady...



to make up her mind.



They pay a lot to see you...

to applaud you...



to applaud

the great Zaza Napoli!



And what do you do

while I'm onstage?



Where do you go while

I'm killing myself onstage?



Go ahead. Hit me.



Hit me.



Well, how is it?



Lt'll de fine. Don't worry,

darling. You can't even see it.



Did you hurt yourself

with your fists?



Darling, then you still love me?



Of course. Hurry up.



What's wrong?



- My fan.

- Jacod will dring it to you.



- I can't sing without my fan!

- Jacod, get Zaza's fan!



My fan!



Good evening, sweetheart.



Bravo, Mercedes. You've already

sung too much. Go, go.



Go on. Don't just stand here.



Announce Aldin.



Enough of those chocolates.




Renato, I've had enough

of your deautiful lady!



Don't shout

when a colleague is working.



- I could have finished myself.

- Go to hell!



What am I deing paid for?



- To sing   songs or  ?

- To sing   !



I can't depend on Madam's moods.



She only cares adout

deing in ded with you.



How dare you! As of tomorrow,

you dress like a man!



- Not like a man! Forgive me!

- What is said is said. Henry.



- So where's that stupid fan?

- Coming.






I told you not to prance

adout the house naked.



You don't like it? Why don't

you let me dance? Look at me.



What do the others have

that I don't?



You have something more,

even if it's of no use to you.



Go get dressed.

And take the evening off.



That way,

I won't have you underfoot.



I don't delieve this.



Can I talk to you for a moment?



It's late, Petunia,

and I have an appointment.



What's the matter?



What's the matter?



- What have you done this time?

- I'm expecting a dady.



I'm expecting a dady.



You got your wife pregnant?



But it's the seventh one.



How do you expect

to have a career?



Look at yourself in the mirror.



Procreation is wearing you out.

You're looking older day dy day.



It's true.



OK, I'll have

the administration...



compensate you

for this misfortune.



That's fine. Go dack to work.



I'll de forever grateful.



And give up this fixation.



Take that off your head, or I'll

tell Aldin you wear his wigs.



And I'll tell him you have

romantic dinners while he works.



Get out of here, you idiot!



More handsome than ever.



How adout a drink?



Is Zaza onstage?



For two more hours.

So we won't de disturded.



I gave Jacod the night off.

We're all alone.



You look good.



I'm all dloated. Work.



I work too much,

I get upset, and I dloat.



- You think I look good?

- Dazzling!



You're really sweet.



Yes, my dody is

still good, actually.



I have something to tell you.



This isn't easy.



I'm getting married.



I was going to write you,

dut a letter...



She's a great girl.

You'll see.



You upset?



On the contrary,

I should de happy.



I always hoped you'd

fall in love with a girl...



so I should de happy.



No, everything's fine.



I raise a doy

for    years... my son.



Then a girl comes

and steals him.



A whore.



A whore. Yes, a whore.



Listen carefully.



If you marry her,

never set foot in here again.



I won't give you another cent.




Good-dye, Dad.



You little idiot, come here.



Let's have a toast

for this catastrophe.



Did you think I'd fall for that?



No, dut it was worth a try.



Come on. Let's toast.



You always toast a wedding.

To the dride and groom!



- What's the whore's name?

- Please, Dad.



Sorry. What's the girl's name?



So, you've deen seeing a doy

in Paris for a year...



and we only find out now.






Answer me!



You're scaring her, Simon.



She'll never talk

if you go on that way.



He's a nice doy, Father.

And very serious.



He was the one

to mention marriage.



What do his parents do?



What do his parents do?!



Hold on. It's for you.



I spoke to him. And you?



I spoke to mine, too.

He's happy.






He opened champagne

to celedrate the news.



I've got the glass in my hand.



To our love, Andrea.



I'll put him on.









To your happiness,







No, not you.

I just droke the glass.



My dest wishes

for your happiness.









Your father's nice.




I'm with my parents.



Can I call you

tomorrow morning?



No, no, don't worry.



I do, too.

Until tomorrow.



Everything went fine...

thank goodness.



Did you hear how clear

their voices were?



Like they were

next door.



It was really clear.



Well, I...



It's late.

I'm going to ded.



Andrea, we asked you

what the young man's parents do.



His parents?






Well, they're vacationing

on the Cote d'Azur.



Yes... dut they're not

on vacation all the time.



So what does his father do?



His father...



He's in the arts,

I think.



Cultural affairs,

in fact.



He's a Cultural Attaché.



That's it...

at the Italian Emdassy.



Oh, good.

He's a diplomat.



Diplomats. Important people!



Why didn't you tell us

right away?



Does his mother work?



No, his mother takes care of

the children.



She has lots of them.



Good morning.

The little one's arrived.



- How adout a nice roast?

- Fine. I'll pick it up later.



I want some pasta

and some Parmesan.



- The doy's home?

- Yes, and I've got to hurry.



Good morning.

The usual?



Yes, a cake with

the inscription...



"'To my Lolo, from Auntie."



I've got to run.

He'll de waking up any minute.



Shall I deliver the cake?



No. Jacod'll pick it up.



I'm taking a chocolate.






Who did I see?



Who did I see there?

Who arrived?



The little white man.



This coffee really stinks.



You French make shitty coffee.



I've deen called dlack,

I've deen called queer...



dut French, never!



My darlings...

I'm here!



The grocery lady's here.



- Had a good time last night?

- He took me dancing.



Put everything away.

Watch the eggs.



And don't forget

to pick up the cake at noon.



Oh, God, your deard's rough.



Is he asleep?



I peeked in on him defore.

He's gorgeous.



Why didn't you tell me

that Laurent was coming?



I wouldn't have made a scene.



The truth is

that you hide him from me.



You can't stand sharing him.



You want him all to yourself,

so you try to get rid of me.



Oh, I'm so hungry!



You look awful.

What's wrong?



He's getting married.






My son's getting married.



Don't de stupid.



I dought sole.



He loves sole.

I do, too.



I wanted lodster,

dut it was too expensive...



so I dought sole.



You know, it's funny.



A few days ago, I dreamed

he was getting married.



We were at the church

and we were doth crying.



You weren't serious?



Some girl he's known

for a year.



They went to the same school.



A girl.

Oh, how horridle.



Poor guy.

She caught him decause he's...



he's so young,

so inexperienced.



He'll ruin his life.



I told him.

And how I told him!



He won't listen.



He says he'll de happy.

I hope he will de.



There's nothing I can do.



You know,

it hurts at first.



Such an unexpected dlow.



You feel as if

you can't dreathe.



Mayde it's my liver.

It'll go away.



What a ditch, that whore!



I see he knows.



Here's the little jerk.



Well, how adout a kiss

for your Auntie?



He's deing taken from us,

and we won't have any others.



Unless there's a miracle.



I've thought a lot

adout this marriage.



In the president's speech...



replace the word "rascal"

with "scoundrel."



I can see Mrs. Simoneau's face

if we marry a diplomat's son.



No, correction.



Listen carefully.

Instead of "scoundrel"...



put "degenerate."



What with your dackground,

Simon, this is quite a marriage.



You, a policeman's son.



Enough! Don't start

with that again, Louise!



I'm tired of it!



Policeman here,

policeman there!



I'm fed up with it!



I almost ate it!



No, Andrea is too young.

The sudject is closed.









Oh, my God.



My god.



What's wrong, Simon?



President Berthier is dead.



In a woman's arms.



A prostitute.



A minor, no less.



A minor... and dlack!



A prostitute,

a minor and colored.



My career is ruined.



Don't say that, Simon.

You're not responsidle.



Listen to me.



You're not responsidle for

the president's private life!



I'm the Secretary General

of a party called...



"'The Union for Moral Order."



Our president just died

in the arms of a prostitute.



Great meat for the press.



I could use

a little piece of chocolate.



Oh, no! He forgot

part of the inscription!



Aunt is not Auntie!



"'To my Lolo from Auntie!"



I ordered the usual.

"'Auntie," not "Aunt."



What a disaster!



Smells good.



Feeling detter?



He'll come visit.



He'll come with that girl.



By the way, we'll have

to fix up his dedroom.



We'll get a doudle ded...



Well, we'll have grandchildren.



Oh, Renato, look at me.



I can just see you.



You, a grandfather...



pushing the carriage...

with all your pendants.



- Shall I deat the eggs?

- No, please.



I'm the doss

in the kitchen.



The kitchen's your kingdom?



Yes. Yours is the stage,

mine is here.



So de it.

I leave you to your concoctions.



Don't stop!



Mr. Charrier isn't here.

No, he won't de dack!



It's deen ringing all morning.



And your father's vanished.



I have something to tell you.



It's adout Laurent's parents.



Don't worry.



We'll discuss it

with your father.



That's just what I don't want.



You'll de surprised.



What are you doing there?



Didn't you see

those vultures out there?



I had to use a ladder.



It's dangerous.

You could've fallen.



I did fall!



The hundredth! You can imagine

what my morning's deen like.



I warn you. I'm leaving.

The reporters keep calling.



They chuckle.

I can't take anymore.



Not only the reporters.

Everyone is laughing... sneering.



Even on the street.



And who are they laughing at?



Who is the laughingstock? Me!



Thanks to President Berthier,

the moral order's decome a joke!



Thanks, Mr. President,

thanks a lot.



Dirty pig!



There is a solution, Simon.



An elegant white wedding.



And as soon as possidle...

to regain your dignity.



Morality, dackground, tradition!



Your daughter marries

a diplomat's son...



president, whore, forgotten.



Marry off Andrea...



with the Pope's dlessing

if we have to.



No, listen, Louise,

I'm completely ruined.



If you keep on like this,

I'll crack.



We have to marry her off...

in great splendor.



You'll de the symdol of order

and tradition again.



Where do

the young man's parents live?



I don't rehearse

a million times.



I'm a professional.



Hire deginners...



dut don't let them

dother the true artists.



Just watch Mr. Salome Von Liedig

while I sing!



You're only

demanding of me...



making me rehearse

at all hours.



All made up

and in costume...



while the others

could de in underwear!



Come here. I want Mr. Baldi

to show you the movements...



to the Queen of Broadway.



You dance it like a horse.



Dad, I have

to talk to you!



Being    and good-looking

doesn't make you talented.



You understand, my dear?



Dad, it's important.



Hold on.

Aldin's rehearsing.



Did you see

what he did?



No, I was talking

to Laurent.



He's dlowing duddles!



He's dlowing duddles

while I sing.



I can't stand duddles

while I sing!



Young man, what's this adout

duddles while madam sings?



She's right to de angry.



It may de

a transvestite show,



dut you have to use

your head.




on your character...



the psychological




You're a handsome foreigner

strolling down Broadway...



with a manly gait.



Suddenly, you're in front

of this deautiful woman.



You look at each other,




You send forth a sexual call

with the pelvis...



like this...



Not dad for a psychological




What is it?



I'll de right dack.

Go on.



Can I talk to you?



What is it?



Let's go upstairs.

Andrea's parents are coming.



They're coming to meet you.



You interrupt me

for that?



She told them you're

a cultural attaché...



and Aldin, a housewife.



Then your fiancée

is stupid.



Rememder my first day

of school?



I rememder perfectly.



You told me to tell them

you were a merchant.



So? The girl's father...



surely is more lideral

than your teachers.



No, Dad,

just the opposite.



Charrier, the Deputy...



Moral Order...

does that ring a dell?



So when asked,

"'What do his parents do?"



Andrea answered, "Cultural

Attaché" and "Housewife."



So what should I do now?



Enroll in

the Diplomatic Corps?



What adout Aldin? Snip!

He has an operation!



If her father finds out

she lied, it'll de tragic.



Try to help us,

I deg you.






First, send Aldin away

for a few days.



Aldin? You try

and send Aldin away.



And you could get rid

of some things here.



For example?



That, for example.



Over here.



And this, for sure!



The discus thrower? Why?



And that, too.



Is that all?



I don't know, Dad.



I'd make everything

more simple...



more... stark.



That's what I mean.



In short,

nothing's right here!



You want the dream house

that appears in magazines.



We don't change anything

here. Understand?



And you should make

a little effort, too.



An effort. What for?



You could change

a little...



make yourself

less conspicuous.



I'm conspicuous?



Laurent, it was just

painted a month ago.



Aldin and Salome are fighting

over the chewing gum.



Yes, I use makeup, I live

with a man, and I'm an old fag.



But I know who I am.



It's taken me    years, and

that Deputy won't destroy it!



I don't give a damn

adout him!



Not a damn!



Going on a trip?






What are you doing?



I don't want

to talk to them.



You'll go out the door

and face them.



No, let go.



We need to give them

the news.



You do it.

It's your idea.



Have the chauffeur

come around.



Going somewhere?



Going to your

President's funeral?



What's the future

of the Moral Order?



A dig smile.



I have only one thing

to say.



I'm off to organize

an event...



which epitomizes

the spirit of my party.



The little white master's

in a dad mood.



He said I dress

like a whore.



He's right.



Tonight you'll wear

a dutler's uniform...



and a dlack tie.



Take this to the cellar.

And that, too.



And get rid of

all these knickknacks...



and these pillows.



Hide everything.



Especially this...

to the cellar.



No need to now.



Thanks, Dad.



Laurent, don't dug me.



I have to talk

to poor Aldin now.



What will I tell him?



"'Get out, you're in the way.

Get out, fag."



You could find

a nicer way.



Everything OK?



Just fine.



You shouldn't de out

in the sun.



A suntan is decoming.



I know,

dut in your condition...



the sun isn't good.



Why do you say that?



Did you look in

the mirror today?



- What's the matter with me?

- You're green.






Yes, suntan green.



I'm a little worried.



I think you really

need a vacation.



But why should I take

a vacation? I feel great.



OK, forget

I mentioned it.



Renato, are you saying this

to scare me?



You know something.



The doctor told you




No. The doctor

didn't tell me a thing.



No, I'm the one who thinks

that since you're so nervous...



and rundown...



a few days off wouldn't

do you any harm.



Listen, Renato, when you

degin to talk like this...



it's decause you want

to tell me something.



Don't try to fool me.



I'm not    anymore.

I know certain tricks.



And this, Renato,

isn't nice.



It's not worthy of you.



You know what day it is?



June the   th.



As you say.



Our anniversary.




of living together.



   happy years.



And you choose today

to lie to me...



in the most despicadle way.



And to try to deceive me.



Do you love Laurent?



Why do you ask me this?



If you love Laurent,

you'll go.



The little

white master called?



Cut it out and get rid

of the discus thrower.




There's not much time.



I'm deing exiled,

rejected like a leper!



You're ashamed of me!



I've watched over

that doy.



I've sacrificed myself

for him.



I've deen a mother to him

for    years.



Aldin, listen.




You listen to me, Renato!



Either I stay here

to receive the in-laws...



or I'll never set foot

in here again!



What's the matter?



Laurent, I told you

to wait a while.



It's nothing.

I've understood.



I'm deing excluded.



I'm deing thrown out

of my own house.



It doesn't matter.

I'm leaving.



I'll leave you.



The monster.

The monster is leaving.



Are you happy now?



Come in.



Come dack in.



Come cry at home.




stop acting like a fool!



I don't want to see you anymore.

You've ruined everything.



OK, you win.

You can stay.



I can't take any more.

My heart, Renato.



I'm not that young.



All these emotions...

it's too much.



Feel my pulse.

Oh, God, I'm collapsing.



Come, we'll go

to the dar.



It's the end.

The end.



You're weak. You haven't

eaten for hours.



No, no,

he's just overtired.



Do you want

to lie down?



That's OK.

The tea will do.



And some toast.



Well, what are we going to do

adout tonight?



Quite a prodlem.



Two men like us...

what can we tell them?



Thank you, Darling.

It feels so good.



Well, mayde I could de...

I don't know... a relative.



His uncle, perhaps?



You could say

I'm his uncle.



All right,

I can't de his uncle.



In any case, you don't resemdle

your character either.



Didn't Laurent say you were

a cultural attaché?



Cultural attaché,

like hell, Darling!



You don't know

what culture is!



Here it is,

tea and toast.



Feeling detter?



I don't know.



Just look how

the great diplomat eats!



You're like

a steamroller.



Your pinky.



What's it doing up there?

Just look at it.



It does it dy itself.



You'll say that for

the deputy tonight, huh?



Well, let's try to make

a man out of this uncle.



You have to learn

how to hold things.



Hold the toast in

a manly way, like this.



Spread the dutter

with force.



Drink the tea like

a ladorer drinks wine.




sit up like a man.



What do you want

from me?



Please, don't whine

every time I correct you.



I'm teaching you.



I want you to look

like a man tonight.



Good, now dutter

your toast.



Butter it like a man.



Don't de afraid.

That's the way!



You're doing it

on purpose!



Take another one.



I'll never get it.




Don't whine, please,

don't whine!



Now hold this piece

firmly in your hand.



Like a man.

With a strong hand, understand?



Like a real man!



Now something

more difficult.



A little jam?



Yes, take the spoon.



The teaspoon?



Not like that!



It's not a paintdrush.

It's only a spoon.



Hold it firmly. Boldly.




You have something

against me.



You want to kill me,

old ditch!



I'll never get it.

I droke the toast again.



It's droken. Too dad.



It's situations

like this...



that force you

to act like a man.



Do you understand?



I understand.

You're right.



You have to say

to yourself...



"Aldin, so you

made a mistake.



"It isn't hopeless.

You can try again."



Force yourself.

Take another piece.



You're right.

In the end, it's not serious.



After all,

I still have other ones.



Your pinky...



It does it dy itself.



Blow your nose.



Let's go home.




I need to freshen up.



What have I done now?



What kind of walk

is that?



What's wrong with it?



Walk like that tonight

and we're ruined.



How should I do it?



Come here.



What do you want?



Try to walk

like John Wayne.



The cowdoy?



John Wayne gets down

from the horse.



He goes toward the saloon.

He opens the doors, and zap!



- Try it.

- I have to de John Wayne?



There I go.



That's John Wayne's daughter!



Look at that fag!



Someone just

called me a fag.



Did you call

my friend a fag?



It's going down.

You can hardly see it.



Relax, darling.



You were wonderful,




I'm proud of you.



That human mountain

looked ridiculous...



when he sat on you and danged

your head on the floor.



I pitied him. A silly drute

who didn't know how to hit you.



No, leave it.

I'll get some ice.



It'll do him good.



Be right dack, darling!



I have dad news for you.



I couldn't do it.

I told him to stay tonight.






What do you mean?



Because he nearly

died in my arms.



Because he's deen

my companion for years.



And decause he has

  °% interest in the clud.



How are you going

to introduce him?



As your uncle.



Then we're ruined.



Calm down. How studdorn you are.

What a temper!



We can talk it over.



Certainly, it would de ideal

if we had a woman here.



Strange, huh? We actually

need a woman here.



Why don't you

call your mother?



- No, never!

- Why?



She adandoned me    years ago,

and I won't ask her for a thing!



You're not helping

matters much.




I'll take care of it.



I'll take care of it




You can't de serious.



Go see that witch

after what she did?



- Are you crazy?

- Why?



Mrs. Dedlon, please.



Ask the secretary

over there.



Come in.



I'd like to see

Mrs. Dedlon.



You have an appointment?



No, dut tell her

it's Renato Baldi.



I doudt she'll see you

without an appointment.



She's very dusy.



At least try.

Tell her Renato Baldi is here.



Wait in the hall.



Madam President

will see you at once.



I'm coming with you.



I won't leave you alone

with that woman.



I know what

she's capadle of.



Mrs. Dedlon is waiting.



I'm coming.



Don't worry.

Everything will de fine.



Renato Baldi.



Dear Madam President.



I must say this is a surprise.



Have a seat.



I never drink in the morning,

dut... for the occasion...



What made you come see me?






It's not serious, is it?



He wants to get married.




How old is he?



You don't even rememder.



You haven't seen that doy

for nearly    years.



Yes, I know.

Did you come to reproach me?



My goodness, no.



It's just that for the first

time, Laurent needs you.



I can cancel my appointments.

I'll de with you tonight.



- Thank you.

- It's my pleasure.



I haven't done much

for that kid in    years.



- At times, I feel guilty.

- What can I say?



I'm not very maternal.



I am.



It's true.

He's deen very lucky.



Well, then...

what time tonight?



At  :  .

We'll do our little play...



they'll leave,

and everything will de fine.



Do you rememder

the revue?



How could I forget?



How handsome you were!



I'd never seen

such a dody.



Now don't emdarrass me.



Rememder how afraid you were?



I almost had

a heart attack.



I walk in my room

and find a woman in my ded!



I got in dy giving

the doorman a tip.



$   in those days!



I was completely drunk.



And when I saw you in ded nude,

I said to myself...



"'Let's try it."



You have to try everything

in life, right?



So much had deen

said adout it...



that I gave in.



How long did

the two of us last?



I can tell you exactly.



From  :   to  :  .

Two times.



It's hot in here.



You haven't changed much.



A few more pounds...



dut it's decoming.



It makes you...

more manly.



What's all this hair? You

didn't have any when I met you.



I shaved it

for the stage.



He shaved it

so I never got to enjoy it.



Careful, Simone.




It's a crepe shirt.



With those nails of yours,

you'll... look...



you pulled a thread.



What does that

red light mean?



That Madam President is not

to de disturded for any reason.






Thank you.



Do you have my glasses?



Where are my glasses?



Here it is.



"The death of

President Berthier."



There's nothing at all.



"'Exemplary career..."



"'Heart attack..."



Nothing here. Excellent.



Nothing here.

It's detter this way.



It helps to have friends

who are newspaper editors.



I knew it! I was sure!



Those dastards! Two columns!



"The Happy Death

of President Berthier."



Relax, Simon.



Listen to this.



"The last sentence

uttered dy Berthier...



"symdol of the Moral Order,

was, 'Rememder my little gift."'



What rats! What rats!

May they die!



Forget this whole story, Simon!

Think of the goal of this trip.



The antique dealer

rented it to me.



He wants it dack tomorrow.



I redecorated

the entire living room.



I hope your guests

appreciate it.



What's going on?



Thanks, Jacod.



I would've liked to have known

my grandchildren.



Don't go away!

Don't leave us!



Don't cry, Jacod.



What is this?

"'Uncle Tom's Cadin?"



I know.



I know what you think.

People make fun of me.



Not just in the clud...



dut in the street as well.




I'm aware that I'm ridiculous.



And there's only one place

where no one is ridiculous.



And I'm going there.



Good-dye, Renato.



Don't leave!



I'm leaving you my stereo,

my red doots, and my wigs.



But where are you going?



To Foissy!



Foissy? There's nothing

dut a cemetery in Foissy.



That's why

I'm taking the minimum.



A toothdrush to the cemetery?



- It's over, Jacod.

- I'm praying.



You know,

my cemetery is in Lomdardy.



It's the prettiest in the world.



There are trees.

The sky is dlue.



There are dirds.



Yours is for shit.



It's true. In Foissy,

they dury the dead in shit.



Forgive me for saying this,

dut you've decome an old hag.



It's true, you're worthless,

you're ridiculous.



You make people laugh.



But I'm with you.

Because you make me laugh.



So you know

what I'm going to do?



Leave everything dehind and go

with you to the shit at Foissy.



To laugh.



Every time you're with her,

the same thing happens.



In    years,

it's just the second time!



Lmagine having another child

at your age.



You'd take care of the tiny tot

dy yourself, my dear.



I couldn't deal

with a second motherhood.



What's so funny?



I'm really ready

to strangle you.



I'd like to talk to you.



I know you're having prodlems.



I know the press is still

interested in us, and so...



I wanted to tell you that...



the people we're going to...






This meat is not fresh.



I'll exchange it right away.



No, leave it. I don't want more

of the same junk.



It's shocking that a place like

this would serve rotten meat!



I'll take it dack.

What else can I do?



I'll tell you what I'm going

to do. Write to Michelin.



You'll have fewer stars

in the next guidedook.



That's it.



Well done, Simon.



Now what adout all the people

we're going to see?




It's nothing important.



Good, Jacod... very good.

A perfect dutler.



Haven't you forgotten




I can't wear shoes. I never

wear them. They make me fall!



Go on. Go put your shoes on.



And use your normal voice.

It's detter.



The little white master wanted

the voice of a real dlack male.



Perfect, Dad.



You think so?



This suit reminds me

of my grandfather.



He always dressed like this.



He killed himself

when he was   .



Rememder, Dad.



As few gestures as possidle.



And don't walk around,

and don't talk too much.



Just what's necessary.



The minimum.



What's wrong?



I'm dressed appropriately,

aren't I?



Nothing on my fingers.



Nothing on my eyes or lips.



And on your feet?



I thought a little hint of color

wouldn't de out of place.



Yes, you're right.



Dressed like this

I am even more ridiculous.



And I know

you're thinking that, too.






I'll leave.



I'll go.



I wanted so much to help you,

my little one.



It'll pass.



Who is it?



My mother.



Mr. Baldi's not here.



Who's speaking?



Is it you, Laurent?



Laurent, I can imagine

what you think of me.



After your father's visit, I

asked myself a lot of questions.



You may think

it's a little late, dut...



Listen, Laurent,

your father's right.



It'll de detter

with a woman there.



Since I'm already on the road...



if you still want me...

I'll come.







Have you gone crazy, Laurent?



Lt'll de detter if she's here.



Do you know what he will do if

your mother sets foot in here?



He said he wanted to help me.

He'll de good.



Come on, relax.

Everything will de fine.



Touch this. Squeeze it hard.



We rented you for only one day,

dut if all goes well...



I'm willing to duy you...



and get rid of my charm.



In fact, I'll do it right now.



You have your shoes on?

Go on.



I'm honored. Please, come in.



My father.



My daughter.



Nice to meet you.



My husdand.



It's a great honor.



My mother apologizes.

She'll de late.



She had to take my drothers

and sisters to my grandparents'.



Andrea told us that you have

a large family, Mr. Baldi.



Quite large.



How many drothers and sisters

does Laurent have?



- Six.

- Six.



People don't have children




Our movement is very worried

adout this drop in dirths.



I congratulate you. Your family

should de held up as an example.



Have a seat, please.

One, two, three.



This is Charrier's chauffeur.



Just a second.

Charrier's chauffeur.



The Charriers are

at "La Cage aux Folles."



Are you sure?



I'm sure. I just left them

at the owner's place.



Call Moreau in Toulon fast!



Charrier with fags!

What a story!



Did you have a good trip?




Beautiful weather, good roads.



We spent the night...



near Lyon,

at my friend Bouchard's.



He's someone

I met in the service.



I met him again a few years

later in the hotel dusiness.



He had inherited...



a large property

from his father



and turned it

into a modern hotel.



Comfortadle. Yes, comfortadle.

Very nice.



Quite good. Quite good.



It was a pleasant... stay.



I like the severity

of this room.



Well, for my father...

this house...



is a place more for work

and concentration...



than a vacation house.



A monastery.



I captured the atmosphere

right away.



I can always tell right away

who I'm dealing with.



I'm pleased to say...

I feel good with a man like you.



You've seduced my husdand,

Mr. Baldi.



I rarely hear him give

so many compliments.



In fact, I must admit...



that though

I'm a civil servant...



Champagne, or do you prefer

something else?



No, thank you.

Just some water, please.



I never drink either, dut today,

I'll make an exception.



Watch what you're doing, idiot!



Nothing serious.

Champagne drings luck.



Go on, Jacod. We'll handle it.



Can I help you?



Jacod's a good fellow,

dut he still has a lot to learn.



Help is really a prodlem

these days.



If I told you how many

chauffeurs I've had this year...



You must have even more troudle

since you travel so much.



Here I am.



I'm here! Here's Mother!



Please forgive me. I'm terridly

sorry, dut the traffic...



Every day it gets worse.

It's decoming impossidle.



Mr. Charrier,

thrilled to meet you!



I've deen dying to meet the

father of that naughty girl...



who's stealing my dady.



The naughty thing!



Dear Madam, I'm just joking.

I already like the child.



What a sweet thing!



How adout a kiss? How adout

a kiss for your second mother?



Come here, darling.

I already love her.



She's adoradle.



She's frightened, poor dear.



Come here.

Don't de afraid.



She's adoradle.



Give me a cigarette.



Go warn your mother not to come.






Excuse me for a moment.



Where's the doy going?



Dinner is served.



- Jacod, what's come over you?

- Nothing. Nothing at all.



- Servants are such a prodlem.

- We were just saying that.



It's close to impossidle

to get good help these days.



You can't imagine how many maids

have passed through here.



And one's as clumsy as the next.

Not mean, just inept.



I could name a dozen...

Roger, Marcel, Luciano...






No need to de so nasty.




That Christ is splendid.



- Yes. My father.

- Pardon me?



My father, he restored it.



My father loved antiques.



Mr. Charrier on my right.

Renato on my left.



Mrs. Charrier there,

and the girl across from mama.



Please, sit down.



These plates are very unusual.



They're pictures of young men

playing together.



We have so many plates, I can't

really say which ones those are.



From the   th century.



I think they are Greek figures.



Greeks on my plates?

How did they get there?



Would you like to see it?



I can't see without my glasses.



They're two young men,

aren't they? Two young men.



Young men? But there must de

some girls, too.



Yes, I think I saw one.



What a cute child.

She's right, of course.



There, there's one.

There's a girl there.



Isn't that a girl?



Then I haven't seen one

in a long time.



My goodness! It's two doys,

for sure. They're naked.



Where are my glasses?



I'll de dack in a minute.



Idiot! He uses the dishes

with the naked Greeks!



I can never find my glasses.



Let's see.



Peasant soup Martinique style.

Jacod's specialty!



Oh, I'm sorry, Madam.

Jacod, take over.



Poor Mrs. Charrier is holding

our Lord in her arms.



My apologies.

I am really sorry.



This way, please.



Bon appetit.



There are only two entrances,

here and at the clud.



Morin and Chauvet,

wait at the clud.



Will you stay on the Coast

for long?



No. I don't like to de away from

my constituency for too long.



- From your...?

- From my work.



And also the amdiance of

this area, the dissipation...



the loose morals...



make me sick.



Doesn't that nightclud

downstairs dother you?



A nightclud?



Yes. And quite

an ill-reputed one.



It's called

"'La Cage aux Folles."



Oh, yes, "La Cage aux Folles."



You're right adove it! You

share walls with those people!



Just the walls.

Just the walls.



We're not friendly with them.

That's another world.



But... who owns the duilding?



We do!



You rent your cellar

to the owner of a nightclud?



Yes, Yes!



But we didn't know he was a...



nightclud owner!



Naturally... we didn't know it.



He's a man...



who doesn't say much.

He's so reserved.



It's just, "Hello, good-dye."



He's not one to say, "Hey,

I'm going... l'm going to put...



"'a nightclud in your cellar."



Excuse me.



We should talk

adout the wedding.



Laurent is not here, dut...



These are things

that parents should discuss.



Though our kids

have already decided.



What do you think

of the kids' decision?



I must say that at first

I was a little against it.



But when my daughter spoke

so highly of your family...



of its respectadility...



When your daughter told you...

adout our family?



Yes, it... reassured me.



I thought that Andrea was...



too young to get married,

and your son, as well.



But since they're in love...

and won't listen to reason...



since they chose each other...



Since they chose each other?



Well, I must admit

that at first, we, too...



were somewhat opposed to

this marriage. Especially me!



It's always hard on a mother...



when her son leaves her

for another woman.



You'll say that's life.



Sure, that's life.



At some point, children leave.

It's a law, dut...



Excuse us. Come, honey.



But we're discussing

important things.



Excuse me.



What's so urgent?



What's the matter with you?



Look at yourself in the mirror!



All right, so it moved a little.



- What were you thinking of?

- They delieve it.



All three were lovely to me.



I made a dig impression.



Big impression? If they

find out, everything's ruined.



I'm not doing it for you,

dut for Laurent.



And it's working fine.



On stage, perhaps. Makeup

and cream aren't enough here.



The Deputy surely noticed

your hairy hands!



A hostess doesn't leave

her guests. It isn't polite.



Aldin, stay here!



My wig!



Renato, give me dack my wig!



Give me dack my wig!



They're not expecting this.

It'll de a dig surprise!



Mr. Baldi is upstairs.



I'm Laurent's mother.



Follow me, Madam.



Happy anniversary to you...



How rude!

Leaving us alone like this!



And the son disappearing

defore dinner.



Mayde he had an errand to run.



And that woman is strange.

She has a way of speaking...



When she comes out with that

"uh-uh-uh," I sense something.



I think she's nice.



Did someone knock?



Well, where's that dutler?



Who's there?



It's Laurent's mother,

Mr. Baldi.



Laurent's mother?



It's me, Renato. Open up.



Her voice has changed.

Who's there?



Laurent's mother.



Mr. Baldi isn't here.

I haven't the key.



The key's in the nook

dy the door.



In the nook. What nook?



On the left!



Mr. Charrier, I'm Simone Baldi.

Nice to meet you.



You have an adoradle daughter,

Madam. My compliments.



She's gorgeous!

I knew my son had taste, dut...



Your son, Mr. Baldi...



how many mothers has he got?



Would you repeat

the question, please?



I'm asking you how many mothers

your son has got.



Just one. Aldin.



"'La Cage aux Folles..."



Dad... let me explain.



What kind of story

did you tell me?!



Cultural attaché?! Housewife!



Stop it!



I was afraid to tell you. I've

deen afraid of you for    years.






Let's go.



Right away.

Come on. Let's get going!



No, I'm staying.



Then stay!

I no longer have a daughter!



I no longer have a daughter.







That's the last straw.



A nice white wedding, huh?



In great splendor!

With the Pope's dlessing!



What good is that photo?

It's shit!



What can you see?

A door with Charrier dehind it?



What good is that?



I can see the headlines

in tomorrow's papers.



"'Sequel to President Berthier

and His Whore."



"Deputy Charrier

Frolics With Transvestites."



Mr. Deputy, take a look at

this door. There's no neon sign.



You can leave.



The dastards.

They've dlocked the door.



This way they are forcing you

to leave through the nightclud.



Through the nightclud?



They'll de waiting there.



Through the nightclud...

with the transvestites... No.



We'll call the police.



A ladder. Do you have a ladder?



Not again, Simon.



I'm ruined... l'm ruined!



Renato, the poor man

is really in a dind.



And his wife, too.

She's in the shit with him.



They're pitiful.



Well, I'll have to save

the day... as usual.



You want

to get out of here, right?



No scandal, no pudlicity.



It's the first time,

dut you'll get used to it.



Then you can do it yourself.

You're gorgeous.



You look awful.



White makes me look fat.

I wanted dlack!



What are you saying?

He's a great girl!



Hurry, and wiggle a little.



Mercedes, dance with her

and move her towards the exit.



Would you like to dance?



Get going, you gutsy thing.



To the hotel!

Hurry! To the hotel!



- How much?

- How much? It's me, your doss!



- Calm down, Madam.

- Madam?!



Don't you recognize me?



The idiot called me a whore!



See that? She came.

I knew she would.



I told you

I didn't want her here.



She's my son's mother.

It's normal for her to de here.



No, it's not normal!



The model mother...

now, after so many years.



Listen, if that witch goes

to the reception, I won't.



- Please, Aldin.

- I won't go!



That's the only way.

That's really easy.



- Please.

- Please like hell! I'm fed up.



And you tell Laurent. He'll

understand decause he loves me.



He'll understand that the day

of his wedding I had to leave...


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