Voila! Finally, the L.A. Story
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin and
Sarah Jessica Parker movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of L.A. Story. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
My name is Harris K. Telemacher.
I live in L.A. And I've
had seven heart attacks, all imagined.
I was deeply unhappy
but I didn't know it,
cause I was happy all the time.
I have a favorite quote about L.A.
"This other Eden...
this precious stone...
set in the silver sea of this earth,
this ground... this Los Angeles.
Anyway, this is what happened to me,
and I swear, it's all true.
"Watch out L.A., it's major gridlock
out there this morning..."
No, no, no...
It's the perfect situation! - I can't
be in a parade. I'm in the news.
You won't see Dan Rather in a parade.
- seconds to air.
What is good about waving at people?
- It's gonna make you beloved.
Waving is not what I do best. It
looks fake. - That's a great wave!
Look! I have to maintain my dignity.
People have to believe what I say.
This is news! This is truth!
...Telemacher with his report.
Hey, it's time for the
wac-wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!
Let's look at our weather map.
There's a low
coming in over Pasedna...
that's Pasadena, here,
There were clouds here but the Council
decided against it, so there's no rain
in Beverly Hills.
We'll just have some sun, and snow,
and and snow is what we'll have.
And now the car phone report.
Sunspot activity is at a minimum,
so there will be little interference.
So make that big important call.
You probably won't be disconnected.
And that's my report.
Gail and Bob.
Harris, somebody told me
you have a PhD. In Arts and
Humanities. - I do.
Did you a lotta good.
Harris, what's wacky?
What's wacky about your last forecast?
- To me it was wacky.
No, not wacky.
- Not wacky?
That's we bought with you. You do
intellectual stuff. - Intellectual?
Maybe intellectual for you.
Because of your education.
This is an intellectual free zone!
- More wacky...
More wacky, let me make a note of
that. What was your name again?
We're late, aren't we?
- It's only one.
That's when we should be there.
I figure if I get here at :
we'll get there in plenty of time.
But I don't count on
the minutes of "busyness"
that goes on after I get here.
I'm doing minute lips.
Besides, they can wait.
You look so ready that I get ready
and I get up and stand by the door,
and I stand there for minutes
until I realize you aren't ready.
So, I sit back down.
Then, I think you're ready again.
But I realize you just gave off
an illusion of being ready that I
interpreted as not being an illusion.
I'll be in the car.
Sitting there at that moment,
I thought of Shakespeare again.
He said, "Hey, life is pretty stupid.
Lots of hubbub to keep you busy
but really not ammounting to much."
Of course I'm paraphrasing.
"Life is a tale told by an idiot,
sound and fury, signifying nothing."
You look nice.
Like this one better? I could change.
- No, that's all right.
Who are we having lunch with?
Friends and friends of friends.
And some of my gift service clients.
Frank will be there.
- I just saw Frank.
He wanted me to be in a parade.
If it weren't impossible for me
to fire people, I'd get somebody else.
minutes past one...
Hey, if you sense something
in the air, it's not the smog!
It's the first day of spring!
What did he say?
The first day of spring.
Open season on the L.A. Freeway.
Look in the glove compartment!
Is it loaded? - It only has
two bullets. - Then load it!
- Do bullets go bad?
No, no, it's not like milk! Hurry!
Don't point it at me!
You son of a bitch!
Don't ruin our brunch!
You little cocker!
Do you have my blue pants?
- I took them to the cleaners.
I'm not kissing anyone hello!
Just shake hands. - Are you
kidding? I just washed my hands!
Cowles, party of ten.
Yes, you're the first ones to arrive.
This way, please.
- Hello! - How you doing?
I hurt my back playing tennis.
We saw them together.
- So, I see this film,
and I'm gonna give it an .
As I'm leaving the parking lot,
I realize the producer
got this great space by the entrance,
and they put me far away in back.
So I gave it a three.
Good for you.
Sheila is studying
the art of conversation.
You're taking a course
in conversation? - Yes.
I teach my clients the point system.
You should never have more than
points. Earrings are points.
Those daisies are .
Before you go out,
look in the mirror. The first thing
that catches your eye has to go.
I had this thing in my hair before.
And I pulled it right out.
Marilyn Monroe did that.
- Don't get dumped
in L.A. In New York
you can meet someone on the street.
Here you have to hit someone in your
car. Some girls speed to meet cops.
We met on a hit in West Hollywood.
Loud talkers in restaurants.
I despise them and I want them to die.
Shoot them like dogs.
I thought you were lost!
Let me sit you down.
This is Sara McDowel.
Harris, Trudy. - Frank Swan.
- Shawn. - How do you do?
Sara was just in London.
You must be exhausted.
It's nothing that some sleep and
a good fuck wouldn't cure,
as my sister used to say.
You have to forgive Sara.
- I'm sorry, it was a
figure of speech.
I've been on a plane for hours.
What do you give the flight?
- What? - On a scale of to .
What would you like to eat?
What kind of food do they have?
And these damn wrong number dialers.
What the hell do we do about them?
Sara, what do you do?
- I'm here writing
about L.A. For the "London Times."
You've come to the right place.
What do you do, Rollie?
- I deal in English paintings.
Abstract or Realistic?
- Depends on how you look at them.
It's an earthquake.
How strong is it, Harris?
I give it a .
When a business person needs a gift,
I go and pick something appropriate.
I gifted the entire
Sherman law firm last Christmas.
Sherman, I recieved something
from them, a stun gun!
That was me!
Did you get it monogrammed?
She ought to interview Harry Zell.
- Who's Harry Zell?
The most powerful agent in town.
- Beyond powerful. The miracle worker.
He's supposed to be nice.
He would never stab you in the back.
I think I'm a grown-up, but I'm not.
I'll have a de-caf coffee.
- De-caf espresso. - Cappuccino.
Do you have de-caf coffee ice cream?
- I'll have a de-caf double half caf.
I'll have a twist of lemon.
- Me, too. - Me, too. - Me, too.
I would love to do a make-over on you.
I hope your nose turns out.
As far as I'm concerned, there are
three mystical places in the world.
The desert outside Santa Fe,
the tree of life
in the Arab emirates of Bahrain,
and the restaurant
at Sunset and Crescent.
where I first met her and touched her.
Wasn't that girl, Sara, awful?
What's with that accent?
- It's because she's English.
Or she's trying to impress everybody.
- Like that big phoney, Churchill.
About what you said...
About sleep, and having a boff.
- Listen, if I say that
sort of thing again,
tie me up and gag me.
We tried that once,
but you started laughing.
Leave off alone, there's a dicker.
You've come all this way.
We really should give it another try.
But I'm happy the way things are.
I'm getting my life sorted out.
I'm so passionate about you. Let me
take you for a hot dog on Sunday.
Your ticket, please.
- It's the cream thingy, there.
It's late. I've got to go.
And she kept her hat on all through
brunch. I'm sure she has bad hair.
You don't know how unattractive
hate is. - Excuse me!
Can I ask you a question?
When do people here get up?
It depends. Why?
When can a person start making noise?
- What kind of noise?
- No, like deep sustained booms.
Deep sustained booms...
Around or : .
Great. Thanks. Bye.
She's used to driving on the left.
I'm sorry. I was... I was just
concentrating on... - I know what.
Do you like those?
- Your pants.
Shall I mark them for you?
- I don't know. Are these
the same price as these others?
- A little more.
How do I look in these?
You look... fabulous!
Okay, mark them.
You have to stand up straight,
or they won't be right. - Ok.
Do you like a break in them?
- A little.
Just about anytime you want.
Wednesday all right?
I'll just slip out of these.
There are two events in my life
that I consider magical,
be explained scientifically.
The first of them was about to happen.
Are you okay?
Oh, "Are you okay?" Yeah, I'm fine.
Who are you?
I can see that.
I'm being filmed, I know.
I'm being filmed.
- Is this a joke or something?
How am I in trouble?
So, what do I do?
- Oh, do it again!
Well, I'll work on it.
The sign spoke to me.
It said I was in trouble.
- If you talked to a sign, you are.
So I'll see you Sunday?
- I got a shower Sunday.
Yeah, I should take a bath. Monday?
Pick me up at : .
- : ? No one eats at six anymore?
Quiet! Quiet! It's me, quiet!
Will you be quiet!
I don't need a key.
An entire block in North Hollywood
had to be evacuated today,
cause of a shower of tennis balls.
It seems the cargo...
- Say name again.
What a surprise this weekend when
the weather turned unseasonably low.
Here's our wacky weatherman
with a report.
When the weather
dropped down to this weekend,
how did you cope?
We just shut all the windows.
And what about your pets?
The cats were out until around :
but it got too cold and they came in.
The cats were out until : but
it got too cold and they came in.
That's how L.A. Coped with
that low of that made
the weekend a real weenie shrinker.
And now, the toupee report.
Winds to miles an hour,
gusting to in the late afternoon.
So stay indoors, or wear a hat!
This is Harris K. Telemacher
with the wiggy weekend weather.
Hello, this is Harris.
Please start talking at the beep.
Is this a person?
This is Sara McDowel. We met at lunch?
Yeah, you're the reporter.
And you're the weatherman.
- I just got
your number from Trudi Cowles.
I want to interview you for my piece.
English, French, or Italian?
You speak all those languages?
- No, just English.
Domino's Pizza, this is Julian...
- Sorry, sorry...
Want some trail mix? Fruit? Cookies?
How do you stay so thin?
Maybe women burn fat faster than men.
That's my friend,
smart, pretty, and quite a fat burner.
You're just jealous.
- I don't know.
I couldn't be a woman because
I'd play with my breasts all day.
Where's June? - Upstairs,
recovering from the alcohol.
Want some juice?
Be my taster, it's a new mixture.
This is Ariel.
Hey, what's up?
That's a job for Supergirl.
It's like licking a shag carpet!
I'll bring it down in an hour.
Can we take your car
so I can leave mine for June. - Sure.
Today will be rough. There's coffee.
Hey, Harris. God, was I stupid...
- Have some juice.
I'll make you some eggs.
Can you hold on a sec?
- The Museum is open till five.
I keep busy this way.
I call it performance art,
but Ariel calls it wasting time.
History will decide.
You're on time.
- I'm late. - You're right on time.
But I had planned on being early.
Don't! Stop! Let me pose at least.
Listen, I had this idea,
rather than an...
- Hang on.
Rather than do an interview, which
would be fascinating because of the
interesting words I use,
I'd rather show you around town.
a kind of cultural tour of L.A.
first fifteen minutes, then what?
First stop is six blocks.
- Why don't we walk?
A walk in L.A.?
Architecture. Some of these buildings
are over years old!
This house is Greek revival. The
Greek owner must be revived every day.
Here's a Tudor mansion.
And a four door mansion.
You're nobody in L.A. Unless
you live in a house with a big door.
Let's go the Museum of Musicology.
I'll take you to the graveyard.
Lots of famous people
are buried here.
Rocky Marciano, Benny Goodman, and
I think he wrote "Hamlet" Part
"The Revenge," here.
Whose grave is this?
who'll be buried here? His name?
It's not a he.
- Ok, she.
Not a woman either.
Used to be a woman, now she's dead.
A funny gravedigger.
Wanna know how long it takes
a body to rot? - Boy, do we!
Well, if they're not already
rotten, or years.
The Beverly Hills women can last .
How come? - Their skin is so tanned.
It's all stretched and polished up.
That'll keep the water out,
and water's what ruins a dead body.
And they have them extra parts.
That stuff's not biodegradable.
This bloke's been here years.
Who was he?
The magician, Blunderman.
Not so great now, is he?
I knew him.
He was funny. He taught me magic.
A fellow of infinite jest...
- Yeah. - That's it.
He hath borne me
on his back a thousand times.
She knows, she's got it.
Where be your gibes now?
that would set the table on a roar?
Interesting people usually make me
feel like I have to be interesting.
Am I interesting?
When I'm around you,
I find myself showing off,
which is the
idiot's version of being interesting.
Are you seeing anyone now?
- Me, too. So that's sort of out.
Can I have your friend's head back?
I should get to work.
- Me, too.
Come back, they all do! Don't they?
What a weekend! We have sun, earth,
and atmosphere, so we have weather!
Not weather, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun!
My watch! Turn off the magnet!
I've got it!
Okay... Turn off the magnet!
Now, the financial report.
up dollars at ...
used ' Mercedes,
unchanged at dollars.
Ok, let's see what we've got.
You'll run that on Saturday?
- Pretaping the weather?
Coming in on weekends is tough.
My busy weekend schedule.
It's L. A, what's gonna change?
There are two reasons
for the detour I was embarking on.
See you tomorrow!
Are you closed?
- Yeah, sorry.
First, I believed the relationship
with Sara was impossible.
The second reason was,
I was a big dumb male.
I came to pick up pants.
You sold me some pants and a tie.
I remember. You wanna pick them up?
I can get them. - I wouldn't have to
come back. - That wouldn't be so bad.
I don't have my ticket.
I remember what they look like.
I'll be right back.
I'm getting all wet.
I'll be right back.
They're not ready yet.
We'll call you. What's the number?
I'll write it.
You got paper?
Ok, we'll call you when they're ready.
Expecting a call?
Were you shocked?
- Shocked but glad.
I could tell you wanted my number,
so I just asked for yours.
I didn't know, until it was too late.
I went to this psychic once,
and he told me I had
this special fifth sense about things.
Any guy would want your number.
- That's sweet.
How you doing?
I'm nervous here.
You're not doing anything wrong.
You must have a boyfriend?
- He doesn't care. He can't care.
He gave me this big speech,
how even though we live together,
we should be able
to see other people. I said ok, but
it backfires on him sometimes.
Where is he now?
He's at the bar.
This was his idea.
This is him!
Do you want my number?
No, no! That would be a disaster.
Then I might call you.
It's - - - - - - . Say it back!
- No, I don't want to know it.
- - - ...
- Stop it! You'll make me memorize it!
- - ...
- - - .
- Geez, now I know it. - - ...
- - - .
Your name again?
but everybody has weird names now,
like Tiffany with p-h-i,
and instead of Nancy it's Nanceen.
Big S and D, two E's, second one big.
S-a-n-D-e-E. And a star at the end.
I called you when I got out of class.
What class are you taking?
- For spokesmodeling.
What is a spokesmodel?
- Just a model
who speaks, and she
points at things like merchandise,
like a car or washer and dryer,
or a book or fine art prints.
They have classes for that?
- It's harder than it looks.
I'll be your robber today.
- How are you? - How long is class?
About three hours.
- What made you want to do that?
Well, I always like pointing.
So, why won't you sleep with me?
- With my ex-husband?
It happens all the time.
It might be just like it was.
- That would be terrible.
Come on, we're a perfect match.
- Because our mothers hunt together?
For God's sake,
your mother shot my mother!
Someone fell, it was an accident.
You're the only normal one,
and you're barely hanging on.
Remember when your mom found out
whose dog was crapping in front of
your house and she put their name
on paper in the center of the pile?
These are not things grown-ups do!
I'm the only sane thing in your life.
- I want you back.
I'll cook and sew for you.
Just give me one weekend.
We can see how it is.
Will you come?
I went roller skating once
at the Brooklyn Rollerdome.
It was awful.
I was completely out of control.
I went slamming into this -foot tall
black guy in a green satin jump suit.
I said, "I'm sorry, could you
help me?" And he looked at me
with stoned eyes and said: "Let your
mind go and your body will follow."
Well, how was that?
It was very nice, thanks.
I hope I wasn't too young in my
thinking for you. - What? - Joke.
I don't pressure you, do I?
- No. I don't pressure you, do I?
No, there shouldn't be any.
- Tell me if I do.
Ok, and you tell me if I do.
You ever had a high colonic?
- A high colonic.
You mean an enema?
Is this a joke?
They're great. They purify you.
They do it in a place in Santa Monica.
Is this where you live?
- Yeah, here.
It's really groovy.
Take me off that speakerphone!
It's just a modern day device.
- I have to see you.
You were out last night?
There was no shower?
- I didn't go at the last minute.
Having sex with my agent. I told you
a thousand... - How did you know?
I was right? I was right?
I was making a bad joke.
My agent, Frank?
And this is how I find out?
You tell me?
- We just decided I should tell you.
I thought he only took ten percent.
- We were here.
- After he made love to you, what?
We went to the Hard Rock Cafe.
I don't know... : or : .
I felt I had to tell you
in case anyone saw us there.
It was a dumb thing to do.
How long has this gone on?
- Three years! - I'm sorry.
This has gone on since the 's?
I just can't be here right now.
I'm out of my relationship,
I'm out of the agency!
And I only looked
like a fool for years!
Now, if I could get out of weather.
Will you stop predicting things!
Have you always been a freeway sign?
Or did you start as a stop sign
and work your way up from there?
I BELI EVE I USED TO BE A BAGPI PE
- Would you stop predicting then?
So I pretape the weather
and some sailors lost their boats.
Big deal! Besides, what kind of
asshole sailor would trust the
wacky weatherman anyway? - This one.
You lost your boat?
I never want to see you.
I said I never want to see you.
will change your life, twice.
You and Trudy broke up?
I knew your relationship was a "two."
If love is ruining your day,
it's always good to
ruin your best friend's day, too.
Trudi wasn't for me. The only fun
we had was sex and watching TV.
- I hate to say this,
but if sex and watching
TV are fun, you really got something.
- What happened to my plant?
Is anybody else out there?
There is, but it's impossible.
- Does she like you?
I don't know.
Just call this Sandy girl.
At least you could take her out.
Thanks a lot, it was great!
What do you think?
I think it was a total washout.
- It really clears out your head.
Head? You should go back in there
and tell them they're doing it wrong.
It was a great lunch and enema.
You gonna see me again?
- Sure, if you want to.
- Friday. Friday okay?
- Where do you wanna go?
There's this new restaurant...
..."L'ldiot." - I've heard of that.
"L'ldiot," you and me on Friday.
Reservation for two for Friday.
Sunday? Good... : ?
: or : ?
Um, : .
I'm a weatherman.
Yes, I'm on TV.
I just sold a condo!
Yes, in this soft market!
That's none of your business.
In the low fifties.
I can meet you at : .
I have Visa and Mastercard.
They all have both.
Mr. Pardeau is looking for
more than a promise to pay.
He's looking for a kind of depth
in your financial sea.
Let's make this easier.
Suppose you get
the reservation and suppose
you come down and we honor it.
What might you order?
I might like the duck.
- You can't.
Why? - With this financial statement,
you think you can have the duck?
Where do you summer?
Where do you spend your summers?
- You can have the chichen.
What about my date?
You can urge her in one direction.
Either we go there and she orders
what she wants or let's forget it.
I like a little gamble.
We can take you...
in eight weeks.
I heard bad things about "L'ldiot".
And I went down there and the chef
had a big open sore on his lip.
I know, I know, I did.
I'm really sorry.
What if we went away for the weekend,
like Santa Barbara?
L.A. Is for the braindead.
He says if the sprinklers stopped
you'd have a desert.
But I think...
I don't know.
It's not what I expected.
It's where they've taken the desert
and turned it into their dreams.
I think it's also a place of secrets.
Secret houses, lives, pleasures...
And no one is looking
that what they're doing is ok.
What do you say, Roland?
It's a place for the braindead.
Why do you have to be so snotty?
I think you're being superior.
I've met some
pretty intelligent people here.
one of the people I spoke about.
Harris Telemacher, Roland Mackey.
You met at lunch.
Have you tried the Guggenheim?
- I get that.
Because it's circular and downhill.
- I got it.
Ariel, this is Roland Mackey
and Sara McDowel.
I loved your TV bit.
- I loved yours, too.
- I can...
Oh I see. - It's a...
- You're very funny.
You have a lot of verve.
Want to walk with us?
I like the relationships.
Each character has his own story.
The puppy is a bit too much,
but you have to overlook that.
The way he's holding her,
it's almost... filthy.
He's about to kiss her
and she's pulling away...
his leg is smashed up against her...
Look how he's painted the blouse,
sort of translucent,
you can make out her breast,
and it's sort of touching him...
It's really pretty torrid,
don't you think?
And of course you have the onlookers
peeking out like they're all shocked.
I must admit, when I see a painting
like this, I get emotionally...
Those paintings of food got me hungry.
- I could eat some paintings of food.
It was fun.
It was lovely to meet you.
- Great running into you.
What were you doing in there?
- That's the girl I like.
You've really blown it.
- Let's all go out for dinner.
I've heard of meeting accidentally and
going to dinner, but I never did it.
He loves me. - Everyone does.
I've heard of that place.
- We'll never get in, it's impossible.
There's a phone.
- Suit yourself.
I can't go. Could they take you home?
- I don't want to impose.
It's no problem. We got two cars.
- Ariel, are you coming?
- Dinner for three.
It's all set. How should we do this?
- Why doesn't he come with me?
I know where it is and she doesn't
so I could tell her where it was,
otherwise we'd end up drawing a map,
unless I drove your car
and you went with her...
Is Roland your boyfriend?
- No, just friends.
That's good. I mean it's fine
that I can drive with you.
Right side! Get on the right side!
I don't think he can hear you.
Your usual table, Mr. Christopher?
- No, a good one.
That is impossible.
Part of the new cruelty?
What do you want?
Want our specials?
I'm gonna tell you
what we got to eat,
we got primavera pasta,
and six different kinds of meat!
Wow, I'm done already.
"We got spicy guacamole
and brie quesadilla,
we got goat cheese pizza
on a blue corn tortilla..."
I'll have floss.
- Diet or regular? - Regular.
"We got hot bread,
milk-fed veal and new potatoes,
we got a hundred different ways
to cook a couple of tomatoes."
I'll take you home.
I live near you. I'll take you.
- The cars are here.
I can take him. He lives near me.
- Are you sure?
Yeah, no problem.
- That's good, I live in the valley.
I should take a cab. The drive over
was a bit risky. - C'mon, get in.
Promise me you'll see me this weekend?
I will. I promise.
See you at the weekend.
It was fun.
- Yes, it was.
I like Roland.
Yes, he's nice, isn't he?
- Yeah, it's interesting that you
can have a relationship
that's more friendly
So... Good night.
- It's locked here, too!
Where are the keys? - In the ignition.
- How did the car get locked?
I didn't lock it!
- We gotta stop it from rolling.
Are we on a hill?
- Yeah, but it's sloped the other way!
I got it!
- I got it!
I think I know what this is.
You can trust me. Go ahead, get in!
It's alright. Stay in!
I think we're fine. Don't paw me!
Get over here!
Let me not drive! - Why?
This is the sign I told you about.
What is it?
I think I figured out the car.
I read an article in the Times...
My head hurts.
I think I should go.
Do you want to come in?
We're moving too fast.
But we should see each other again.
I'm supposed to see my ex
this weekend. I'm sorry.
I promised. It's a deal.
I've got a few things to do, also.
has a bridge luncheon...
I'm supposed to go
to a fund-raising dinner tomorrow.
It's formal, you know...
but I thought to take you would be...
Not a date, just a do.
Are you interested?
- Alright? - Yes.
So I'll take that as a "yes."
It's wonderful you see your mother.
That reminds me, I should call mine.
Yeah, you got your ex,
and I got that whole bridge thing.
- Hello, darling. How are you?
Are you busy?
- I'm making
- Do you want to play?
Always, darling. The usual?
- Night, darling.
You play the tuba?
I used to. But not now.
I mean, I was before you arrived.
I forgot something.
Are you alright?
- Yeah, I'm just going out too much.
When you go out too much,
you feel like you never stay home.
Are you upset about last night?
- No, I understand.
My car rolled,
then your tongue was in my mouth.
That was a lozenge. - My mouth
shouldn't accept lozenges right now.
You just keep denying it.
Just relax and give in to it.
I can hardly contain myself
when I'm around you. I go crazy
when I see you.
- That's the trouble.
You're rollerskating, amusing
yourself, your friends, and me.
It's just a lot of noise.
I mean, we all try to prevent
getting hurt. That's how you do it.
Should we just forget it then?
If that's what you want, fine.
Full service or self service?
- Full, Tony.
And I knew
it was a great project.
If the city were willing
to partially finance
my private museum. It would be
a great bonus for the people.
I met with Ron.
I toast you.
Are you alright?
I just feel a little dizzy.
I should get some air, I'm nauseous.
I'll take him out.
And Ron felt like I did.
What's the matter?
- I don't know.
Something in my stomach
or my head or my heart or...
Can I do anything?
I can't, this is how Mummy met Daddy.
Let your mind go
and your will follow.
And now let us all move forward
with great enthusiasm
to build the greatest
private museum in the world.
Are you feeling any better?
- Much better, thanks.
We didn't know what to say
so we wandered down Melrose
and had the kind of small talk
necessary to cover what had happened.
The station wants to try serious news
with me as the anchor.
No laughing or chit-chatting.
So there I was
jabbering about my new job,
about anything at all.
But all I thought was:
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful...
Who wrote the "Tonight Show" theme?
Where will we stay?
Don't bounce. I came to tell you
that I can't go away with you.
I've been seeing someone, and it
wouldn't be good to go away with you.
I'm really sorry.
So, you're seeing her this weekend?
No, she's got this obligation
to her ex, to see if it can work.
She's seeing someone else?
She's going away with him.
Share how that makes you feel.
Share? Share? It drives me crazy!
I mean, especially since
I've been working out!
Look at the effort I put in!
But it's fair, since she had
this obligation before we even met.
But you had this obligation.
Why should you suffer all weekend?
- Go away with me.
I can't. I would just be
using you to get even with her.
I don't mind.
- Let's go.
We should be there
in an hour and half.
I booked at the "El Pollo del Mar".
- Beautiful. Wave to Jack! Bye.
A million stars! And the beach...
I want to spin on the beach.
- They have a special beach for that.
And I don't think we should make love.
- Ok, we'll just have sex.
What was Sam Spade's partner's name?
We might meet people at the Ysidero,
I put us in the "El Pollo del Mar".
I'm really excited!
Who knew Groucho's secret word?
Groucho's secret word...
I give up.
The Duck? - The Duck knew.
Say the word and divide dollars.
When Wittgenstein's house was built,
language philosophy hit the Bauhaus.
I saw the house not long ago.
Who played "The Beav?"
- Jerry Mathers. - Yes!
"Oh wind, if winter comes, can spring
be far behind?" - Beautiful.
Who was Howdy Doody's closest friend?
- Buffalo Bob.
Fantastic! Do they have a pool?
- Yes! Do you have a pool?
I love this place!
This breeze is great!
It feels great!
- I love hotel sheets, and they feel
so good against your bare skin.
I'll put your bag in here.
Come here first.
Come here again.
Sandy, your breasts feel weird.
- Oh, that's cause they're real.
Let me get this shoe off. My God!
I should warn you,
I'm old and if I take a while...
My God, I'm young again!
It's been great to see you again.
- It's nice seeing you, too.
How are you?
Well, I'm confused.
Hey, listen to this.
- What? - Listen.
What on earth are they doing?
- Oh God, they're going crazy.
Jack told me he wants
to make our relationship exclusive.
He's not gonna go out anymore?
I don't think
he could ever get a date.
Seeing me go out drove him nuts.
I don't know. I really like him,
even though he's not so smart.
Through the wall.
- What is it? - Somebody's doing it.
How beautiful. - They're really
excited. They must be cheating.
I don't believe it!
Are you staying here? - Yes.
There goes our cover. There are no
secrets anymore. - I think there is.
Roland, this is Sandy.
Sandy, this is Roland, this is Sara.
Where are you headed?
- Us, too.
Why don't you join us?
- That would be neat. - No,
you guys should be alone. - Don't be
silly. We can't do that. Come on.
What's that clanging sound?
- It's my damn testicles.
Is it okay to spin here?
Shall I get your sweater?
I'm cold. - Yes, thanks.
I'll run and get it.
Harris, want to come with me?
Actually, I'll stay here.
Back in a flash!
- I come here thinking
you're with your ex, and you're
really giving it to my best friend!
Your best friend? You've
never even seen him without me!
There's a bond among men!
Anyway, there's two liars here.
- Roland is my ex!
- Hey, watch!
- Thank you!
You just broke up with someone?
How do you know that? - When men just
break up with someone, they always
run around with someone much younger.
- She'll be in years.
I'm with her but only think about you.
Is that why you fucked her today?
I know that doesn't make sense.
But you almost broke through our wall!
You know how that made me feel?
- You didn't even know it was me!
but I projected back when I found out.
So close, we're this close to it!
Stay here in L.A.
What? How would it work?
We'd see each other,
take it easy at first and then...
marriage, kids, old age, and death.
What if I were to go?
All I know is, on the day your plane
was to leave, if I had the power,
I would turn the winds around,
roll in the fog,
I would bring in storms,
I would change the polarity of
the earth so compasses couldn't work,
so your plane couldn't take off.
This is everything I didn't want.
Pain... lying... complications.
I'm hot from running now.
Let's all walk down to the pier.
Do you ever wonder why the water
doesn't fly up into the sky?
Do you want this in the trunk
or up front? - That... up front.
What's the matter? You ok?
- Oh, sorry... I'm okay.
I've been working on Sara to come
back with me. I'm her ex-husband.
England and America are different.
The English keep civil relations
with their ex's.
The Americans sue them.
She told me today it's not right.
Really? - Evidently,
she's been seeing some American.
That can happen.
- She's not going with him either.
She's going back to London
as soon as she can.
I so wanted this to work out.
I wanted a relationship, you know,
like you and Sandy have.
I've been thinking.
I can be a man worth staying for.
First, I can cry. Usually,
it's when I'm hurt, but it's a start.
I know there's something
that would make you stay!
The right word, attitude, plan...
but these are all tricks!
So let's forego that!
Let's assume that it happened,
that my hand went down
grabbed your heart and squoze it!
There comes a time
when it's now or never!
It's now or never! Listen to a poem.
"Oh pointy birds, oh pointy,
And now, here's
Morris Frost with a cinema review.
The film, "Sliced Up Mommy,"
is an effort to intertwine
the psychological nature of...
I'd like to turn this car in.
And now, the weather report.
That's the weather.
Our next weather report
will be in days. - Thank you.
We'll be right back
after this commercial ad.
Why is it that we don't always
recognize when love begins,
but we always know when it ends?
Final destination is London?
Forget for this moment,
the smog and the cars and the skating
and remember only this:
A kiss may not be the truth,
but it is what we wish were true.
Wow! That was really something!
- It was fantastic,
- It had real class!
Is there anything we can do
to thank you? A gift or anything?
- Name it.
I never figured out the riddle.
"How Daddy is doing."
It's a riddle too tough for me.
- I know it.
It's an English crossword clue.
See, unscramble means rearrange.
Change the "s" with the "h,"
move the "ing" after the "s,"
put the "do" after them.
Swap the "h" and the "s."
And put the "i" behind the "d."
"Sing Doo Wah Diddy?"
That's the mystery of the ages?
I sat up nights
working on that. But I forgive you.
There's one thing I need to know.
Did you do this?
Did I do this? How did this happen?
Hey, you got your voice back!
There are only two things
in my life I will never forget.
One is that
there is someone for everyone.
Even if you need a pickax, a compass,
and night goggles to find them.
And the other... is tonight.
When I learned that romance
does exist deep in the heart of L.A.