Last Action Hero Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! The Last Action Hero transcript is here, for all you fans of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The Last Action Hero script was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie. I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free scripts!

This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas.

- Mulcahey! - Sir.

Secure the sidewalk. No one gets in or out.

{y:i}I have a present for you! {y:i}Pigs!

Let the children go! Damn you, Ripper!


Do no even think it, Slater. Wait for the hostage negotiator.

Goddamn it, Jack, I am talking to you!

The last time you pulled this jive, jitterbug, tough gonad shit -

- people lost bodyparts!

If you go in there, you will lose your badge!

Jack, as Mayor of this city, -

- you and I have had our tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

- When the Governor gets here, call me. - Do not let Slater in.

Repeat: Do not let him in!

Piece of cake.

Do you want to be a farmer? Here is a couple of acres.

- Dekker, the next one I will hurt. {y:i}- Slater, do not go in there!

Check fire. There is a plain-clothes officer in the building.

- Jack, what kept you? - Dad!

Andy is getting nervous. I promised him you would come.

I gave him my word he could watch you die. Lose the cannon.

Has he hurt you, Andrew?

Did you say hurt, Jack? What do you know about hurt?

- You put me in a cage for ten years. - You deserved the death penalty.

Yes, whatever.

Things crawl around in my head and sit on my chest when I wake up.

Do you know what it is like?

Your illegal search rendered the bloody axe inadmissable. Remember?

Now lose the gun.

All right, I am unarmed. Let the boy go.

Just one gun, Jack? You must be kidding.

- Is that all, sport? - Yes, that about does it.

Then step away.


Unless you consider this a weapon.

Brilliant, Jack. Brilliant. I surrender.

- That is a live grenade. - Sure.

You will sacrifice your son to get me. I am flattered, but I doubt it.

Andy, pick up the grenade. Go on.

Show it to me.

Jack, that toy cannot hurt the boy.

But this one can.


Come on, focus!

People are trying to sleep.

The film is out of focus. The film... Never mind.


Nick, are you okay?

The climax is on the fritz.

I never used to do that, Danny.

It is okay. I have seen this Slater six times. I was just worried.

The new Jack Slater opens this weekend.

Like I did not know that. "They killed his cousin. Big mistake!"

"Jack Slater IV."

I am checking the print tonight. Midnight. Just myself.

I could get you admittance, if that sort of thing appeals to you.

See it before it opens? Who do I have to kill?

Just get to school. You will only be four hours late.

{y:i}Treachery, conspiracy, sex, {y:i}sword fights, madness, ghosts.

{y:i}And everybody dies.

Shakespeare's "Hamlet" could not be more exciting.

And though he may seem incapable of taking action, -

- he is one of the first action heroes.

You will now see a scene from the film by Laurence Olivier.

You may have seen him in the Polaroid commercial -

- or as Zeus in "Clash of the Titans".

{y:i}O bosom black as death.

{y:i}Help angels. {y:i}All may yet be well.

{y:i}Now he is praying.

{y:i}And now I will do it.

{y:i}- And so he goes to heaven. - Do not talk, just do it.

Hey, Claudius.

You killed my father.

Big mistake.

{y:i}Something is rotten {y:i}in the state of Denmark.

{y:i}And Hamlet {y:i}is taking out the trash.

- Stay thy hand, fair prince. - Who said I am fair?

{y:i}No one is going to tell {y:i}this sweet prince goodnight.

To be... or not to be.

Not to be.

The whole morning? He was not?

No, he was not at school today. He is sick as a lamb.

Tell me the story of your life starting this morning, first period.

And make it good.

Something along the lines of: "I cut so I could donate a kidney."

Were you at the movies again? That crazy guy is an accessory.

- Nick is not crazy. - Damn it, Danny!

I lied to a principal. And what for? So you can go to the movies?


I did not choose this.

I did not ask to become a widow before the age of forty.

I know that.

Give me a hug.

- I will not cut again. - Let me hear the "P" word.

I promise.

Jesus! I am late. I have to get to work.

Lock the top lock the minute I close the door.

And do not open for anyone. Bye. I love you.

Are you alone? Okay. Move it!

Do yourself to the drain.

Tough guy.

Do it. I will make it easier for you.

Go ahead.

Do it.

What is it with you? You have junk!

No jewelry, no VCR. A shit TV worth twenty bucks.

Go fish, amigo.

Remember your mom says you are to go straight home.

She will be there when the shift is over.

If we find the guy, I will give you a call.

- I almost gave up on you. - I am sorry.

- What do you think? - I have never seen anything like it.

- It is not too tight, is it? - No. It is the style.

I always wanted to be a magician. But my hands were too tiny.

My father worked here and got me my first job. Usher.

I worked myself up to projectionist. It is not much, but it is showbiz.

So, is the print ready?

Just a minute, young man. Are we not forgetting something?

You have to have a ticket to see a movie. And I have just the one.

When I was your age, Harry Houdini played here and I met him backstage.

And he made a gesture like this.

And all of a sudden this was in his hand.

And he said to me: "This is a magic ticket."

"I got it from an Indian magician, who got it from a Tibetan magician."

"It is a passport to another world. It was mine."

"And now it is yours."

And now it is yours.

- What does it do, Nick? - I never had the courage to find out.

I have always wanted to try, but I was afraid it would not work.

At your age Houdini was like a god to me. What if he was faking?

And then again...

- What if it did work? - What if it did?

Houdini said something else. He said:

"This ticket has a mind of its own. It does what it wants to do."

That always made me edgy.

I guess there is only one way to find out then. Right?

Please retain your stub, sir.

- Shall we see if Slater wins? - Jack Slater cannot lose.

Never has, never will.

{y:i}Oh, Frankie.

Frankie, why do you keep on with the insults?

- I would not insult you, Mr. Vivaldi. - When you lie, that is an insult.

You are Jack Slater's favourite cousin. You talk all the time.

I must know what Slater knows and you are going to tell me.

Does he know that me and Torelli -

- have just signed a secret pact to control -

- all drugs in Southern California?

We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.

Meet Mr. Benedict.

The genuine article. And you better believe it.

Sometimes he likes to bake while he shoots people.

I am saying that Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.

Pie, you Sicilian schmuck.

The man is a surgeon.

Do you want me to make him operate on you?

I swear I do not know.

Dump him at his place. But take it easy.

He bought it. He actually believes me and Torelli are banding together.

The beauty part is, nobody knows different. Until after the funeral.

Then everybody knows.

Everybody knows Tony Vivaldi is number one.

You are going to pay.

Is this right? It does not look like a crack house.

Do you want 60 guys dancing on the lawn throwing cocaine around?

- What is up, guys? - Quiet. This is a drug bust.

Drug bust? You must be joking.

My cousin Frank lives here. The only drugs he has is aspirin.

If you touch that front door, you are going to need them.

It must be a mistake. We received an anonymous tip.


Jack, listen to me.

- Who did this? - Listen to me.

This is important.

Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob are joining forces.

I am out of here.

Sorry, Frank.

It is a bomb!

He is okay. Minor wound. Both cops dead.

Two days to retirement.


- Who the hell are you? - Do not shoot me! I am a kid.

- How did you get here? - I do not think you want to know.

Close your eyes, stay flat and do not move!

You are driving with no hands!

You have to practice and never do it in heavy traffic.

I iced that guy, to cone a phrase.

Wait... The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock.

This is really happening.

This is not happening. Repeat: This is not...

I threw up. Sorry. I thought I was going to die.

I am sorry to disappoint you, but you will live to enjoy the fruits of life.

Acne, shaving, premature ejaculation and divorce.

Does this suck weenie or what?

This is a movie set.

This is a movie. That is how the scenery changed, right?

You are going to play chicken, right? Just like Jack Slater.

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Your fingers? Cross as many as you can.

I am in the movie. Holy cow, I am in the movie.

Nick, Houdini was not faking.

Jack, did you see that?

I was just in a real police station. And this is much nicer.

Slater, it is your ex-wife on line two!

You stay. She is always calling me.

Hello, sweetheart. It is nice to hear your voice.

- Oiler! You team up with Waterman. - Give me a partner, Sarge.

That is right.

Of course. No, just as you said.

Krause! You team up with the rabbi.

- How do you get to Carnegie Hall? - Practice!

John Practice, you S.O.B. Why are you not in Washington?

The Bureau thinks there is something going on between...

Vivaldi is joining forces with Torelli.

- How do you do that? - I do not sit around eating donuts.

Those are government donuts. I have to call D.C.

Good for you.

Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.

- In a movie? - "Amadeus". It won 8 Oscars!

I saved him in 'Nam, so I will be on the lookout.

Now, no more movies.


The city council is chewing my eggs off for your plane crash!

The mayor is parading up my Lincoln Tunnel for that beach stunt!

Everybody wants to know what it will be!

- Do I make myself clear?! - I am just doing my job.

You have given us the worst reputation in the country!

The Chamber of Commerce is doing cartwheels in my cocoa factory!

Ratcliff, you are on duty with the cat.

Hiya, Toots!

- Join me for a flea bath later? - Touch me again and I will kill you!

- I can prove this is a movie. - Who are you?

It is a cartoon cat.

He is supposed to be back. He was only suspended a month.

Listen to me. An animated cat just walked into the squad room.

- He will do it again tomorrow. - That cat is one of my best men.

Who is that smiling twerp?

I love the way you fight, knowing how you really feel about each other.

How do I feel about this sack of puppy poo?

You are dearest friends. After your wife left you -

- Jack told everyone he drove her to the diphtheria clinic.

When he came back, you said:

"You saved me from humiliation. You are my dearest friend."

- You promised not to tell. - I did not.

- Then how did he know? - "Jack Slater I".

- Won what? - No, the first Jack Slater.

You told your dad?

I told no one. I do not know this kid.

He seems to know a lot about us.

The state of New York has never heard of you, Mr. Madigan.

- What is your name? - Danny Madigan.

- Where are you from? - How did you get in my car?

I fell off a bridge into your car. He saved my life.

Truth at last. Now why were they after you?

My cousin Frank found out some drug information.

Do not believe what Vivaldi told him.

- How do you know about Vivaldi? - I know what is going on.

- If you would just listen... - I have the perfect listener for you.

Meet your new partner.

Oh no... Better to die.

You will love it, Jack. We are perfect buddy material.

I teach you to be vulnerable, you teach me to be brave.

I am Jack Slater's new partner. We work together in this film.

You know I am right. If this was the real world, -

- they would not make us partners, but send me to a social worker.

How do I know they tortured Frank and stashed him behind his door?

I saw it on screen. This is a movie.

You are very clever, and I would be roaring with laughter, -

- but they killed my cousin. And that is a...

"Big mistake." That is what you were going to say, right?

- How would I know that? - No one likes a smart-ass.

Then shoot me. Point your gun at my head and pull the trigger.

Come on. Do it. I double dare you.

But you are not going to do it. You do not kill kids in the movies.

Because you are the good guy.

You really believe you are inside a movie, do you not?

You have ten minutes to prove it. And then I shoot you.

- Schwarzenegger films? - Foreign films are in the back.

- No, this guy is an action star. - Down the centre on the left.

No, it is not possible.

What? He is fantastic. It is his best performance ever.

- It was you in that movie. - You were in a movie?

Yes, called "Girl of My Dreams". It starred you.

We had a very romantic scene together.

- What is the store's phone number? - 5552310.

What is your home number?

You can give it to him. I am a police officer.

- 5553812. - Amazing.

I will bet that everyone has a 555 number.

There can only be 9999 numbers that start with 555.

- How many people live in L.A.? - Eight or nine million.

That is why we have area codes.

- Is this your kid? - Oh no.

He is a mental patient that I am taking downtown.

What about this girl? She is too attractive to work here.

I agree. I think she should work with us. Undercover of course.

The point is there are no unattractive women here.

Where are the ordinary women?

- Nowhere. This is a movie. - No, this is California.

And thanks. It was sweet the way you got that girl's number.

Okay, Mr. Non-believer. I will take you to the house -

- where your cousin Frank was tortured. I have seen it on screen.

It is like that one.

But on the other side of the road. It has an ocean view.

There is something you do not understand.

This ticket is magic. Any second we will drive right into a theatre.

Maybe I need to warm it up.

Of course. My decoder ring has to warm up all the time.

The house looked European. Like a postcard from Italy.

Like that one.

In fact, just like that one! The bad guys are in there.

- I think you should wear this. - I have not earned it yet.

You just solved the entire case and revolutionised police training.

I have studied human character, terrorist psyche, fingerprints.

I have taken courses in surveillance, hostage negotiation and psychology.

And all I had to do was drive around the neighbourhood -

- and point at a house and say: "The bad guys are in there."

Trying to be funny?

Yes. I am the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.

- Schwarzenegger. {y:i}- Gesundheit.

May I help you?

Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house?

We are out killing drug dealers. Do you have any in the house?

Be ready for anything.

Where are you going?

I will be back. You did not know I would say that.

- You always say that. - I do?

Everybody waits for you to say it. It is like your calling card.

You are interested in drug dealers?

Jack, that is the henchman with the glass eye.

- Are you a henchman? - No, I only go as far as lackey.

- Anything else? - Take off your sunglasses.

- Who is asking? - The Tin Man.

- I suggest you hit the bricks. - No. They are the wrong colour.

Oh, dear. Let us change them. Would arterial red suit you?

Make no mistake. They are very well trained.

I snap my fingers again and tomorrow you emerge from several canine rectum.

Or you and Toto can go back to Oz. Questions?

Yes. Two of them.

Why am I wasting time on a putz like you -

- when I could be doing something dangerous like rearranging my socks?

And how will you snap your fingers after I rip off both your thumbs?

Have a nice day.

He had one with a bull's-eye earlier. He calls his boss a Sicilian schmuck.

How did Slater find out? Will you tell me?

I want him to join me, but he keeps going after the bad guys.

Where is it written that I am a bad guy?

Find out who talked and have him killed. Then, Slater.

- What is it with you? - We should call off the funeral.

Are you crazy? When I say blood bath, there is...

A blood bath.

I will find out more about Slater's short friend.

- He must be guilty of something. - Yes, of acting like an asshole.

If I arrest him, I have to arrest Congress.

- Why did your park there? - In case my ex-wife is here.

She is not. Her name was not in the credits.

- Who does the doctor treat? - Patients.

- What is the elbow of my jacket doing? - Wearing thin?


That was a stretch.

- Do you drive this on the weekends? - No, that is my girl's car.

Knock on the door.

Your ex-wife is not home. Her name was not in the credits.


- I hope you mean Whitney. - Sorry. Whitney.

You are not Skeezy, are you?


- Stop it, Daddy! - You have gained some weight.

Hi. I am Danny Madigan and my life has not been long yet.

But from now on, it will all be downhill.

- You look wonderful. - Thank you.

So, who is your friend? He is cute.

No, he is hopelessly insane.

He probably loved you in "Gone With the Wind".

- This is her first movie. - Do you see?

- Who is Skeezy? - It is a sorority thing.

They assign you a freshman and when he comes by you kiss him.

- Do you have to kiss him? - Dad, come on!

If the phone rings for me, I will be out of the shower in less than an hour.

What a cutie.

That is old evidence. Counterfeit case. Looks real, right?

It turns funny colours when you burn it. I used it for alimony.

What is wrong?

You do not happen to have a cigar, do you?

"I will be back." I know.

Dad! Dad!

He would have been your age.

I know. The Ripper pulled him down off the roof three years ago.

- Your dad saw everything. - How do you know all that?

Your dad is in the papers a lot. I like crime stories.

- That is Skeezy. - I will get rid of him.

Hello, Toto.

There and there and there.

Let go of me!

- Good evening. Is Uncle Jack here? - He is off tracking a lead.

Joe, would you teach her the virtue of silence?

Benedict, if you harm a hair on her head...


You were saying?

Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said:

"Eliminate all logical solutions to a problem -

- and the illogical becomes invariably true."

I know your name is Daniel Madigan, but how do you know mine?

Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy.

Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home.

- When did you get here? - Just.

Then how do you know what I said on the terrace?

I heard a recording.

- Are there microphones in the statues? - You would not believe how many.

- And the eye I was wearing? - I saw it.

I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues.

I have killed people smarter and younger than you.

This is between you and Slater. Take the money in the desk -

- and leave me and Meredith... Whitney, alone.

Holy shit, boss. It looks like two K in here.

Just a minute. Give it to me.

These bills are marked, right? You tried to sucker me with them.

Burn it.

- Burn it? - Yes, burn it.

Do not play games with grown-ups. You will get hurt.

Big mistake.

Great, is it not? I will hurt you a little bit.

Freeze! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain matter grey. Got it?

Kill me and I will kill him.

Leave it. Get the door.


Do not give up your day job.


Do not leave home without it.

- Where are you going? - I have to catch the red-eye.

I do not believe this. I am in the movie and...

I am missing the action!

Get the hell out of here!

Back up the top!

Next time we get thicker armour. Like a tank.

Chicken it is.

This is going to work. It is a movie. I am a good guy.

I am a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! It is not going to work!

- I think I scared them. - You did great. Come on.

Benedict has the ticket.

Too bad. I wanted it for my collection.

{y:i}You are travelling through {y:i}another dimension.

My name is Skeezy. S-K-E-E-Z-Y.

Say this.

- Grow up. - Just say this one word.

- Is it another movie proof? - Maybe.

- I do not want to say it. - Say what?

You cannot say it, because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.

Slater. The guy with the missing eye, I saw his licence plate.

Good for you.

- You mean the guy with the glass eye? - No, when he ran it was missing.

It has got words.

"Vengeance is..."


Did you catch that?

Some of it may be English.

See if this is clear enough:

Give me your badge! And you will not get it back.

Wohlschläger, team up with the digitalised Humphrey Bogart.

Are you making some changes?

Why not come and work the funeral with me? I would not miss it.

Torelli has spent a bundle. He has a helicopter circling the building.

A rooftop funeral in Long Beach. How is that for taste?

- Who died? - Leo the Fart. Shot yesterday.

Somebody tried for Torelli and missed.

Leo was tough. Only he could not sneak up on you.

If you change your mind, I will be in front of the hotel.

- Where are we, anyway? - Home.

How did you know there was a guy in there?

There always is. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Like in "Slater II - The Sagittarius Strangler".

Soon you will meet the Madigan Strangler. I just got fired.

What you find so entertaining is my life. I am not even a cop anymore.

He only took your badge, because you destroyed more of the city than usual.

Jack, you are everybody's hero. It will all be okay again. Trust me.

No, Danny. It is getting harder. I only wanted to be a decent cop.

But I kept getting involved in crazy adventures.

But the craziest part is, I kept surviving.

These are the sequels. They have to get harder.

Look on the good side. You have a great daughter.

And your ex-wife would not call if she did not want you back.

Do you think she cannot tell the real voice from a taped one?

I pay a cashier to call me at work, so the guys think I have a life.

My ex-wife is happily remarried. She never calls.

And Whitney. Why can she not be a normal teenager?

On prom night she stays home to field strip an AK-47.

She will die a young maid. I am going to buy it soon, too.

No way. You cannot die until the grosses go down.

Vivaldi said something would happen at a funeral.

We should look into this funeral.


Jack, it is a funeral for a guy named Fart.


Someone tried to kill Torelli, but hit Leo the Fart instead, right?

Wrong. Did Benedict take the shot? Most likely. Would he miss? No way.

- Unless he wanted to miss. - Did he mean to miss? Why?

Because Leo the Fart was very, very fat. Get it?

No, I do not.

They broke in, cut Leo open and stuffed him with T.N.T.

He goes off at the funeral and takes out the whole Torelli mob.

That is what this is all about. Vivaldi will blow up that funeral.

It would not be a bomb. We have had a dozen explosions in this movie.

Do not start that again.

- Nerve gas! - What are you talking about?

Some nerve gas has been stolen from military trucks.

They could have put it inside him. Do you know what that means?

Leo the Fart will pass gas one more time.

Mr. Torelli.

I hope it is all right I am here. I do not want to be a fourth wheel.

Fifth wheel.

Did you hear that, Benedict? Family. Go pay your respects.

- Stay in the car. - No, I am coming with you.

Let us say this is a movie.

If someone says, "Stay in the car", and the guy does not, what happens?

- He saves the day. - Or gets killed.

Good point. I will stay.

Wait a minute! What if that gets me killed?

There is a gun in the glove compartment.

- Practice! - Makes perfect.

The Fart is a bomb to take out the Torelli mob.

That explains the mortuary break in. Let us use the service entrance.

- Who do you work for, John? - What do you mean?

We both know there is no side entrance to this hotel.

I am sorry, Jack. I did not want it to go down this way.

Danny said not to trust you. He said you killed Moe Zart.

- Moe who? - Zart.

I kill many people. I cannot remember them all.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

In a bodybag if you do not drop that.

That is doubtful, kid.

Real doubtful.

Thank you for the fingerprints. You are about to murder Jack Slater.

Chain yourself to that pipe.

These drug guys have more money than the government.

So you cut a deal with a scumbag like Vivaldi.

Vivaldi made up with Torelli, but it was a phoney. He will destroy him.

In exchange for leaving him alone, he gives me a profit percentage.

I will be rich, Jack. You will be dead, but...


Toss me the cuffs.

You idiot. You made the classic movie mistake. Do not explain so much.

You had to get in a last few words. Had you fired, you would have won.

But you are the typical villain. Dumb.

You are no genius yourself, kid.

- The Fart goes off in 7 minutes. - Get my car.

Move it.

I would love to stay and watch, but I have to establish my alibi.


Did you want to save the day?

- You are not doing anything. - I would steal your thunder.

No, you stay here and make sure everything goes as planned.

You have had Slater in front of the 8-ball before, but you screwed it up.

That is "behind" the 8-ball. You moron.

Somebody once told me I talk too much. No more words.

- Whiskers! Where have you been? - Sorry, Jack. Fur ball problem.

Seal off the area. There will be a chemical explosion in 5 minutes.

- Thanks, Whiskers. I owe you one. - Forget it. You have often saved me.

Do you see the hook of that crane? Get it up on the roof in 2 minutes.

How do I do that?

Help me move that crane! I have to get it to the roof!

Wait! You have to work this thing!

I cannot even drive.

Pardon me.

He was a good man. A flatulent man.

Do you hear this? Help me! Get me out of here!

My God! This man is not dead!

Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor!

- This man needs a doctor! - I am a doctor.

Are you a doctor? Check his chin.

The doctor has fainted. Can somebody help this man?

I will take the corpse... The patient... Look, an elephant!

Do not shoot! He will drop Leo!

Do not shoot!

Oh, shit!

That is a no-fly zone, fellow.

Danny! He is ticking! Move the crane as fast as you can!

Danny, stop the crane now!

Drop! Go, go, go!

Drop, you gas bag!

Everybody out of here!

Silent but deadly.

- Bring the car around. - The helicopter landed on it.

I hate when that happens.

Tar actually sticks to some people.

Hey, Dad! I thought you could use some clothes.

Thank you, honey.

- Is this not a little convenient? - You always said this was a movie.

{y:i}So how did it go?

{y:i}How did it go?

{y:i}I am dying out here. {y:i}I want to know how it went.

{y:i}How did it went?



It went splendidly.

I cannot hear you. I do not want to miss a thing.

Benedict, get your stuff. Was it beautiful?

Perfect in every detail.

Were the gas tanks okay?

Like clockwork. You should have been there.

Men, women and children dropping left and right.

Wait, I want to enjoy it all. Come on, tell me.

They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape.

- Really? - No, I am lying.

It was a complete balls-up, and my day has been terrible thanks to you.

What is this? You were my friend and now you turn a 360 on me.

180, you stupid spaghetti-slurping cretin.

If I did a 360, I would end up back where I started!

Trust me.

If that turd Daniel Madigan can move through parallel worlds, so can I.

In, steal whatever I want, and out again. Impossible to catch.

If God was a villain -

- he would be me.

- You want me to vacuum now? - No. But the pool needs attention.

Very good.

Do not move.

- All right, I will go quietly. - The hell you will.

That was for blowing up my cousin Frank's house.

And this is for blowing up my ex-wife's house.

But this is for my daughter's black eye!

Usually when I do that, it leaves a hole.

The ticket. Jack, he has got the ticket!

It is the key to everything. It is magic. See?

He has gone over to my world. The door must still be open. Come on!

I am not worried that you are crazy anymore.

I am worried that you are right. But if I go, how do I get back?

You cannot go through life nit-picking everything. Come on!

To hell with it.

There was nothing to it.

- We are still here. - Are you sure? Look.


- I want to see about Nick. - No time.

What the hell?

- We are in New York. - It all makes sense.

Actually, it makes no sense, but I will explain. Later.

Just be careful. Things are different here.

Get out!

Do not get feisty. The car was a piece of junk anyway.

Drive, bonehead!

Here is another explosion for your movie.

Not one word.

- My hand hurts. - Things are different here.

Smash a window with your hand and it gets hurt.

Great. Could you not have told me earlier?

- The taxis must be bulletproof. - We have to get the ticket.

No way, Slater. Listen to me. It will not work.

You cannot play chicken in real life. You will crash.

Out of the car, amigo.

This is not the movies. You have to reload guns...

- Go, Danny! Get out! - Car crashes can kill you!

You are going to die! Jack!!

What did I do?

No, please...

Damn, that hurt.

You are lucky to be alive, you dumb idiot!

'89 Mercury Sable, standard air bag. Checker cab, no air bag. Who is dumb?

- Just make sure they are dead. - Give me a break. They are dead.

They always look dead. In "Die Hard" a guy is hung -

- and at the end of the movie, he comes back.

All right. Make sure to cover me. He may have a windshield wiper.

Maybe he used the ticket.

Maybe it is on all the time now.

What is this place?

Where am I now?

Danny, do you have a place I can sit down?

Yes. Come on.


Danny, I was so worried. Are you okay?

Did you see what happened?

No, I slept in here until I woke up at 2 a.m. I figured you had gone home.

No, I was in the movie!

I am getting up in the years. Define "in".

Whitney kissed me! I drove a crane and dropped Leo the Fart in a tar pit!

I was with Jack Slater every step of the way!

Oh, my God...

The ticket works?

All this time I never used it, because I was too frightened.

But it is not too late. I can still go visit.

Garbo in "Camille". Jean Harlow. Boy, I had a crush.

Monroe in "Bus Stop".

Forgive me for going on, sir. I admire your work greatly, too.

- Nick, it is not who you think. - You mean, it is...?

This is a wonderful moment, Mr. Slater.

I have never met a fictional character before.

How new and exciting this must all be for you.

I have just found out I am imaginary.

How would you like to have been made up?

Your job, your marriage, your kids. Let us push his son off the building.

You will have eternal nightmares, but you are fictional, so who cares?

I do not find it new and exciting that my whole life is a damn movie.

You are young and impressionable. There are worse things than movies.

Politicians, wars, forest fires. Famine, plague.

- Sickness, pain, warts, politicians. - You have already mentioned them.

I know. They are twice as bad as anything else.

Most of my life has been movies, too. But that is all over for me now.

The theatre is shut. Soon it is the wrecking ball.

But now I have a new chance. Can I have the ticket back?

We have one little... hiccup.

- What do you mean? - Benedict has the ticket.

The madman with the glass eye?

- How are you getting back? - Good question.

But I would not want to nit-pick, right, Danny?

Just follow my lead.

Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?

The police call, you are nowhere to be found...

- Mom, I am sorry, okay? - "Okay"?

There are kids with guns everywhere and that is all you have to say?

- Get in here! - Mom, wait.

You always say you wish I had more friends. Well...

Hello, Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunschweiger.

Sweetheart, do you want to have a party?

- How old are you? - Forget it.

Take his shoes, man!

Take his shoes?

No screams.

No sirens.

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

I am sorry to bother you. Would you help me test a theory?

- Sure. What can I do for you? - Well...

Hello? I have just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.

I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess.

{y:i}Shut up down there!

You look uncannily like him, only you are much more intelligent.

Good morning, good afternoon. What kind of eggs do you want?

Scrambled. Have you guys been up all night?

Why did you not tell me Jack was a cop -

- and that you spent the night looking at mug shots?

Why did you not tell me you had no friends?

And why do you go to the movies at night and make your mother worried?

- You have turned him into a wimp. - I think not. Toast?

No thanks. Jack, are you okay?

We talked. I have never just talked to a woman before. It is neat.


Wimp. Next they will be talking about sex.

Me and Jack are going out. I am helping him on a case.

Oh, no. Your licence to kill has expired. Come and eat some eggs.

I have to help. I am the only witness. Like in that Harrison Ford movie.

There is no comparison.

- We are not Jewish. - Amish.

Irene, do not worry.

There are 8 million in the city and I am good at catching people.

And the future of the world may be at stake...

Can you turn this up?

- What is that? - Mozart.

- The guy Practice killed? - That is right, Jack.

Do you like classical music?

I do not know. I think I will.

- Did you say who you really were? - Yes. A cop from L.A.

- I mean really. - Real enough. For now.

- Are you going to catch him? - I always catch everybody.

By spotting him from up here?

Give me a break. It is the first time I have been anyplace real.

This ticket, it worked in one movie. Could Benedict use it again?

On other movies? Why would he do that?

I do not know. But it is a start.

The possibilities are limitless. But I have realised -

- that freedom would elude me until Jack Slater was, -

- forgive the pun, taken out of the picture.

And I thought you might be inclined to help.

This must all be strange to you. But if you do this right, -

- the world is your oyster. Trust me.

You will be free to do whatever you want beyond your wildest dreams.

And you will never have to go back to this film again.

You have never heard of this man, -

- but his actual name is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There are a thousand theatres and we have looked for 5 hours.

- We are close to catching him. - No, to catching pneumonia.

In my world they just leave clues. Or they show up and kidnap me.

That stuff does not happen here, because this world stinks!

The world is what you make of it. You can give up and go home.

- You believed in me in the movies. - But here you are just...

Just what?

Jack, there he is!

Are you nuts?!

- You crazy asshole! - He is just a cabbie!

In the movies they say "Make my day" or "I am your worst nightmare".

"Rubber-baby-buggy-bumpers". You did not know I would say that!

- Where did he go? - He was reading a paper.

- He has been going to the movies. - That is not the half of it.

{y:i}We are live from New York.

{y:i}We are moments away from {y:i}the premiere of "Jack Slater IV".

{y:i}And here is the man {y:i}they have come to see.

{y:i}It is Arnold Schwarzenegger {y:i}and his wife, Maria Shriver.

- Good to see you. - Are you a big fan of Slater?

I have enjoyed it. It was just beautiful.

The National Enquirer. Do not talk to them.

Do not plug the restaurants. I hate that. It is so tacky.

- Why go to the movies? - To get help.

Benedict can do anything. But we know who he is.

- So he must take us out. - He cannot get to you.

He does not have to. All he has to do is get to him.

- Benedict will kill Schwarzenegger. - Who is Slater.


In this movie we only kill 48 people. In the last one we killed 119.

But we make up for it with a good story, emotions, depth, dimensions.

{y:i}There are thousands here tonight {y:i}and millions around the world.

- I directed and produced it. - This guy is a success story.

- Only in America. - Only in Hollywood.

And at Planet Hollywood we have some incredible memorabilia.

It is absolutely fabulous...

You embarrassed me. How could you do that?

Chris, it is the Ripper from "Jack Slater III". Scary.

- Let us "axe" him a question. - Look at this method villain.

Rip, what brings you here?

- I thought I might kill someone. - You should start with your designer.

{y:i}Nobody wants to miss out. {y:i}The notables just keep coming.

Excuse me, sir. Could I see your invitation?

Pete, it is okay. I am his agent. Jesus Christ, Tom. Come here.

It is Tom Noonan, the actor who played the Ripper.

Are you nuts? Do you want to play axe killers for ever?

I need the manager's office for 10 minutes. Here is 50 bucks.

What do you think Slater says about America?

I do not want to hear it. I am not a big fan of Arnold.

She is. Arnold turns her on. I just want to be there when it happens.

Good, you have the props, too. Whip out a Hibachi -

- and we can make some shish-kebab. I will rent you a tuxedo.

Tell him it is me.

Did Nicholson go to the premiere of "Batman" dressed as the Joker? No.

Murray, get me your brother-in-law. Yes, it is important.

- What do you think about this? - I would never miss the premiere.

Where am I sitting? Where? Where am "I" sitting?

There are two balconies. I believe you are in the lower one.

You stay here. And be careful.

Someone should be checking the other balcony. Definitely.

Arnold! The deal is done, right? "Slater V". The soundtrack.

I will be...

{y:i}Jack, it is the Ripper! {y:i}He has brought back the Ripper!

{y:i}Benedict has brought back {y:i}the Ripper!

Everybody down!

Get off me!

Get the hell off me.

I should be informed when there is to be a stunt.

You are the best look-alike I have seen.

If you get to L.A., call my office. We can get you jobs...

I do not like you. You have only brought me pain.

{y:i}Jack, help!

Did anyone come out of here?

Did you see a crazy guy with an axe?

Hey, Jack. What kept you?

- Are you all right, Danny? - Yes, sir.

I tried to change, Jack.

I really tried to do what he told me to, but -

- I kept hearing that old music. I knew you would come here, Jack.

Lose the piece.

There. It is between you and me. So let the boy go.

We have played this number before. What comes next?

You throw the gun away... We have done that part.

And then you tell me to let the kid go.

I am getting bored. Let us skip to the end.

Come on, Jack! Over here, right here!

I will be back!

The hell you will.



Danny, I will be right there! I am coming! Hang on!

Just hang on now.

- Jack, help! - I will be right there!

- I am coming! - Just hurry!

Hold on, Danny! And do not look down!

Oh, God, please do not let him die.

Listen, kid. You grab my hand and we get out of here.

- I cannot, Jack. I will fall. - Come on, now.

- Trust me. - I cannot do it.

Listen to me. Hold on with your legs and let your hands go.

I will catch you. Believe in me. I will catch you. Get my hand.

Go for it, Danny!

This hero stuff has its limits.

I need a hospital. My shoulder is out of the socket.

Will a morgue suffice?

Get down, Danny!

Give it up, Benedict. The lobby is swarming with cops.

I think I can avoid them. But if not, I have a little -

- explosive surprise for them.

Since you are about to die, I will tell you the plot. Think of villains.

Do you want Dracula? Hang on.

I will fetch him. Dracula? I can get King Kong.

A nightmare with Freddy Krueger. A party for Adolf Hitler.

Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. And a christening for Rosemary's Baby.

If I snap my fingers, they will come. They are lining up. Do you know why?

Because in this world the bad guys can win! I shall miss you, Jack.

Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the gun.

No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

You broke my arm!

Do you see, Jack? Bad guys can win.


No sequel for you.

The ticket.

Take him home. To where this is just a flesh wound.

Do you not understand? We must get him back to the movies.

I said: Turn around!

Great! They always run away! Hang on, Jack.

- Danny, do you know how to drive? - Sure. I have watched you, right?

Get out of the way!

Nick, fire up the projector! Slater is dying!

- Do you have the ticket? - No, but it has to work anyway!

Hold on, Jack. You will make it. This is going to work.

It has to be here.

Please. Nick, hurry! The door will not open.

No sweat, kid. You tried.

Where are you going? Back off! You cannot have him.

I have had it with you, Mister. Who stays, who goes. This one stays!

I was only curious. He is not on any of my lists.

Though you are, Daniel.

- Now? - Oh, no. You die a grandfather.

Wait a minute! Help us. I know you can get him back.

I do not do fiction. It is not my field. Sorry.

You are a very brave young man.

Unfortunately, you are not very bright. If I were you -

- I would look for the other half of the ticket.

They are all gold.

I have got it, Jack! I will get you home.

You cannot die.

I know. Until the grosses go down.

No! This will save us!

Throw that silly thing away.

Holy cow!

Let us hear it for Houdini!


Has anybody seen Slater? I want him in my office right now!

Help! Somebody!

They got Jack! Doctor, move!

Take this. Get back before it changes its mind.

No way. I will not leave you.

I am an imaginary hero, Danny. You have a real life.

You are real to me. You are the best. I need you...

Here where you can always find me. But I need you there to believe in me.

To take care of your mother.

I would love to... You have your whole life ahead of you.

And pimples and premature ejaculation.

- What? - It is just...

I am scared that I will never see you again.

Whoever thinks that would be making a big mistake.

Get out of the way. Do you want a doctor?

Get out of the way. I am a doctor.

What happened?

Is this a joke? This is not even a flesh wound.

Where the hell have you been?

Where the hell have you been?

It is working again.

That door is coming out of your meagre paycheck!

I have the Eagle Foundation doing a tango up my Hershey Highway!

I do not care about your highway. And stop shouting. I am not deaf!

You shout because it is in the script. You are the comic relief.

And do you know what? I am the hero. So shut up!!

Hollywood writes our lives.

{y:i}I do not want to shoot people {y:i}and blow up buildings anymore.

You did get to be a magician, Nick. It really does work.

The ticket is yours, Danny. And do you know what?

I think the magic was yours, too. Come on.

Have I told you about the time my dad took me to see Buffalo Bill?

We met Sitting Bull, who was his medicine man.

Donated by SergeiK