The Last Shot Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Last Shot script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring PMatthew Broderick and Alec Baldwin.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Last Shot. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Last Shot Script



Where's the money?



I tell you, I need just a few more days.

Please, I can get it.



What are you gonna do to me?



Movie starts in three minutes.



If you don't tell us

where the money is,



we're gonna cut your fingers off

during the opening credits.



Titles. Credits come at the end

of the movies. Titles come first.



Fine. Titles.



We're gonna cut 'em off

during the fuckin' titles.



The shows starts

in two minutes.



I tell ya, I just need a couple more days.

Please, don't do it.



No! I'm telling you, don't do it!



You gotta listen to me.



Whatever you do, don't do it.



Do you hear me?



- The show starts in one minute.

- Don't do it.



- We gotta get him out of there.

- Devine hasn't given a signal.



We move when Devine gives the signal.



Maybe he forgot it, Ray.

He's tied to a chair.



- That's Sal Rossi Jr down there, right?

- The dancing popcorn. Jesus Christ!



Screw the signal. I say

we get him out of there.



No, wait, wait.



Devine hasn't given a signal



because he wants Rossi to take a finger.



- What are you talking about?

- A finger? What if you're wrong, Ray?



- What if he forgot the fucking signal?

- Look, don't you get it?



If Sal takes that finger, we get him

for assault, attempted murder.



- That's    years.

- This is crazy.



He doesn't want us to wait, Ray.



He doesn't want us to wait

while some psycho takes his finger.



This is Devine's detail,

and he wants us to wait.



The dancing hot dog. Jesus Christ!



All right, you get some ice.



You get the finger.



Hello. I'm home.



Sasha, where are you?

I have presents.






Mr Devine, I tried calling you.



They said it was impossible to reach you.

I even tried that special number.



Delores, I have these presents

I wanna give to Sasha. Where is she?



I'm sorry, sir. Your dog is dead.

She killed herself.






The Jacuzzi. She threw herself

into the Jacuzzi.



I tried to find you.

It was horrible.



Oh, no. Maybe she fell in.



Oh, there was a witness.

Alejandro, the gardener's son.



It was suicide.






She was lonely.

She couldn't stand it any more.



Then why the fuck didn't you

go outside and play with her?



Throw the little red ball with her?



I'm sorry, Mr Devine.

I know you loved that dog.



On Tuesday, she dug up all the flowers

and then took a dump in the kitchen.



I believe that was her note.



Joe, from the beautiful words

you've written,



it's clear to me that Sasha

wasn't just a great dog.



She was a great friend.



"Sasha was loyal, she was compassionate,

and she loved to shake. "



And now I'm going to ask you to bow

your head for one minute of silence.



Sorry to hear about Sasha.



I know you were close to that bitch.



So what brings you to town?

Did you hear about my finger?



Oh, yeah. I'm very proud of the work

you're doing here in Houston.



Then why don't you get me

the hell out of here?



Jack, you've been deputy director

of the Bureau for six years,



and I've been stuck here

for five of those years.



Do you know what people would say if

I handed you the Gotti detail in New York?



They took my fucking index finger.

They cut my fucking finger off!



And we appreciate that.



I'm your brother, Jack.



You tell 'em I can do this thing.

I'm gonna nail these motherfuckers.



Take it easy. Listen, I am on your side.



I'm on your side. We all know

you're gonna be a star, Joseph.



Jack, I'm never gonna

be a star in Houston.



I know. That's why

I'm sending you to Providence.






There's mobsters in Rhode Island?



What are we doing in Rhode Island?

We were better off in Houston.



That's Tommy Sanz in there,

Gotti's cousin.



- Second cousin.

- He's still family.



Sal Rossi Jr wasn't even Italian.



Hey, we nail this Tommy Sanz guy,



that could be our ticket

to Philadelphia, New York,



maybe even Washington.



FBI agents believe John Gotti

planned Paul Castellano's murder



outside Sparks Steak House

in December,     



and prosecutors are expected to try

to make another case against him.



But Gotti, in prison during the trial,

is tonight a free man.



So, Tommy, you get invited

to John's party?



Investigators have been

watching Gotti...



I really don't think John considers me

part of the family any more.



It's my face, Willie.



The guys back home

can't stand to look at me.



I thought after the second surgery

things would change.



Did you talk to that

plastic surgeon?



He said he wanted to take skin

from my ass cheeks and put it on my face.



I beat that cocksucker

with his own chair.



I need to do something big.



Or I'll never get back to New York.



There's another movie shooting in town.

Horror movie.



One of the producers

calls Wally over at the local.



Seems they need a favour

from the Teamsters.



I said big, Willie.

Big, like this TV.



That's    inches.



They need ten trucks max,

   drivers, no hassles.



Last time our cut was three grand.



Fine. Tell Wally...



They're talking about a bribe.



They're taking a bribe from those movie

people to make a deal with the union.






So the Mob controls the union -

the Teamsters -



which means they control the trucks.



The trucks the movie people use.



What the hell

are you talking about?



I know how we're gonna get Tommy Sanz.



Agent Devine, it says here

you wanna produce a movie?



No, sir. Actually, there really

isn't going to be a movie.



I only want Tommy Sanz

to think I'm producing a movie.



We really don't give a shit.

Just tell us the play.



Trucks. This is how all movies

are made, sir. With trucks.



We're gonna offer Tommy Sanz a bribe



to intercede with the Teamsters

on our behalf



and, once he accepts,

we're gonna nail him for racketeering.



Well, there's an obvious

risk here, Agent Devine.



What do you know

about producing movies?



Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're such a star.



I don't hear anything, honey.



It's not happening. They're not

making any sound, honey.






I can't take it any more, Steven.

I can't take it any more.



- I'm gonna go kill...

- The headphones.



Hey, shut the fuck up!

Do you understand me?



Shut the fuck fucking up!



I'm gonna fucking come down there

and fucking kill you!



Do you hear me, you motherfuckers?



I'm sick and tired of living like this.

My whole life smells like shit.



Yeah, I'm talking to you,

you piece of motherfucking shit!



We live in a kennel.

We live in a kennel.



Yeah, but you know who boards

their dogs down there?



Goldie Hawn, Ted Danson,

Meryl Streep, Connie Chung.



I've met agents down there,

studio heads.



I'm gonna kill those dogs.

I'm gonna fucking kill those dogs.



All right, if you wanna move,

we'll move,



but then we're both gonna

have to work full time.



Could you just stop it?

I'm so sick of you and your threats.



How many years have I had to live

with you and your threats?



Maybe I don't wanna be

an actress any more.



- You're a great actress.

- Oh, let's stop the bullshit, Steven.



I am not an actress.

I play the piano at the mall.



It's not the mall. It's Nordstrom's,

where every casting agent shops.



I'm    years old.



How messed up am I that I have to

stay here and live like this?



Make a great story, though, won't it,



when you're famous

and you have to talk about your life?



"Valerie Weston

goes from pound to gown



as she steps out of her limo

at the Chinese Theatre. "



I'm going to work.



I know you're nervous, Robert. It's your

first day. But you're gonna do just great.



You'll be working as

a floater in concessions.



You'll be in charge of napkins and butter.

Just remember a large is three squirts,



a medium two squirts...



- Thanks.

- You're welcome. Next, please.



Thank you. Enjoy the show.



Thank you. Enjoy the show.



Mandy Patinkin?

Mandy... Mandy Patinkin?



Mandy Patinkin.

Mandy Patinkin.



Stop it, Arnie.



No, you stop telling me how great I am

and you tell me where my fuckin' script is.



You do not wanna

eat lunch off my ass.



You wanna eat lunch off my ass?



I thought you were kosher.



Arnie, I'll make you a deal.



You deliver that script, and lunch is on me,

you Lebanese piece of shit.



Love to Bernice and the baby.






Roger! Can you get me my back brace

and my banjo, please?



I'm a big fan of law enforcement.



I used to date the black guy

on Hill Street Blues.



So you're going undercover



- as a Hollywood producer.

- Yes.



Are you doing features

or TV or MOWs? What?



- Movies.

- Movies. God, I love the movies.



After I was stabbed

by my personal trainer in     



I was terrified to leave my house.



And then, one day,

I went to the movies!



Oh, God,

and I never came home.



The movies saved my life.



I'm even back with that trainer now,

which is really remarkable.



Roger! Excuse me. I'm sorry.






Never hire a diabetic.



What exactly does a producer do?



- Well, where's your script?

- Script? I don't have a...



You don't have a script?






Roger! I'm sorry.



Camille, can you get fuckin' Roger!



You know what? I'm sorry.

I've got a  .   and...



Well, can you help me find a script?



This is Hollywood. Just go outside and

ask anyone you see to give you a script.



A gardener, a cripple, a child molester.



They've all got 'em.

You just gotta find one.



Roger? Do I need to give you your shot?



My deepest condolences, sir.

Here's your ticket.



The script is called Arizona.



It's the true story of a young woman's

spiritual journey through the desert



as she battles cancer and searches for

the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.



I... actually have a script with me.



If you had time, maybe after shivah,

you might want to...



So tell me about your script.



OK. It's a romantic comedy.

It's about this couple...



They find the guy, they find

the head of the organisation,



- like, on a golf course.

- Right. Or a river.



It's the true story of a young woman's

spiritual journey through the desert



as she battles cancer while searching for

the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.



I've already got a cancer movie.



- What kind?

- Brain.



Brain? Brain's been done to death.

This is breast.



I have Meg Tilly attached,

and Meg Tilly likes brain.



The rest of the time he's got no head.



He's got, like, seven hours

to find a new head,



but he's fucked up

because he has no head.



It's about fallen angels.

There is a group...



They're not evil, but they were supposed to

watch over humanity to protect us.



So that's basically it.



It's a road picture. It's a love story.



It's a tear-jerker.



OK, but here's the kicker.



It's an election day.



And he can't vote

because he's got no head.






The Jacuzzi.

She threw herself into the Jacuzzi.



Val, put the dog down.



I was trying to nap before my audition,



and I know this is the dog that barked.

You little fuck!



Honey, you're gonna get this commercial,

I know it. You love Raisin Bran.



I'm not going on the audition, Steven.

I'm finished.



- Put the Pomeranian down.

- I know it's gonna keep on barking.



- I know it's gonna keep on barking.

- No, it's not.



It's not gonna keep on barking,

because you're gonna give me the dog



and I'm gonna take it out of here right now.



It's OK. You can do it.



What are you?

Some kind of Good Samaritan?






I'm a Hollywood producer.



Oh, sweetheart, it's OK.

It's all right.



No, honey. It's gonna be OK.



Movies and TV,

or just movies or...



Oh, honey.



I'm Steven... Schats.



Steven Sch... Oh, honey.



Who's Steven Schats?



He's done quite a bit of directing

in the Los Angeles theatre.



He won the Goldstein Award for

Debbie Does Shabbat at Temple Judaica.



Billy Crystal is a member

of that congregation.



Is Billy Crystal

going to be in the movie?



- No. Because there is no movie.

- Then why do you need a director?



I need a director in order to sell the movie

to Tommy Sanz.



But you said there is no movie.



I'm not really making a movie, sir.

I'm just producing one.



We... really don't give a shit.

Just tell us the play.



The screenplay is entitled Arizona.



It's the inspiring true story

of a dying young woman



as she travels through the desert in search

of herself and the Hopi Indian spirit caves.



What kind of movie is that?



It's a tear-jerker, sir.

She... dies in the end.



From dehydration?



Don't come down here...






Steven. What are you doing here?



Lonnie, get dressed.

I have a meeting in one hour.



It's a lunch with a producer

who read my script over the weekend,



- and he liked it.

- Of course he did. It's brilliant.



He asked me if I was

bringing representation.



I didn't wanna look like a schmuck,

so I told him I had an agent.



You want me to go with you?

You know, I don't drive any more.



You don't have to drive. I'll drive.

Just put on some clothes. Get dressed.



We've got a lunch.

We've got a lunch.



Don't touch the mail if it comes.

Ever. Don't.



Lonnie. Lonnie, just go get dressed.

Go get dressed.



Relax, Steven. It's just a lunch.

Where's the meeting?



- Musso & Frank's.

- You're in luck.



I got a blow job

at Musso & Frank's.



No, no, no. You listen to me,

you Lebanese piece of shit.



I'm the producer, I'm in charge,

this is my picture. You got me?



OK. My love to Bernice.



- I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry we're late, Mr Diamond.



This is Lonnie Bosco

of Bosco and Sugarman.






Steven, let me just say that

I read the screenplay for Arizona...



and I absolutely loved it.



My wife Sasha died recently,

so the story really hit close to home.



- What kind of cancer did she have?

- She drowned in a Jacuzzi.



The dentists from Boston that I represent,

they loved the movie as well.



I know, the script needs a lot of work.



We're prepared to make a deal

for you to direct the movie.



You wanna make a deal for me to...

But I'm...



We wanna move forward right away.



Do you think you could make the movie

for, say, a million dollars?



Steven wants final cut.



- No. No, Lonnie, I don't need final cut.

- Final cut. That's no problem.



- Casting approval?

- Yes. He's the director.



He wants ten per cent of...

first dollar gross points.



Yes. OK, ten per cent.



You're saying yes?



You want me to direct Arizona?



You really... You want me to do that?



I'm not saying yes.



I'm saying, "Hell, yes. "



He's saying, "Yes. Hell, yes,"

at Musso & Frank's.



There's only one question I have.



The cover of the screenplay

says it's written by Steven Schats



- and Marshal Paris?

- Yes. Marshal Paris. He's my brother.



Paris is his pen name.



We wrote the story about our sister.

She's the dead lady.



Well, before we make any deals,



I'm gonna wanna secure all the rights,

get some signatures.



Oh, well, that's impossible.

Marshal went home.



You'll just have to go home

one more time, Steven.



- No. No, no.

- Home...



to the Ponderosa.



The Ponderosa.



Ladies and gentlemen,

the Cartwrights.



Adam, Hoss, Little Joe,



and Ben Cartwright!



Run for cover, folks. It seems

the Snake Eye Gang has robbed the bank.



It's over, Snake Eyes. Drop the gold.



We don't want no more killing here.



It's got nothing to do

with your boys, Cartwright.



Let's just settle this. You and me.



The gift shop

will be open till   pm.



The bathrooms are out of order.






We're closing.



- Where's Dad?

- Ben Cartwright gets off at  .  .



He's the star of the show.

What are you doing here?



We did it, Marshal.

We're making Arizona.



Charlotte's story will be told.



That's impossible. I haven't shown

anyone that script in two years.



Look at this. You see this?



It's a contract from a producer.



- He wants you to sign a release.

- It's not for sale.



We're gonna split $      .



This is real, Steven. This is my life.



I am a person with an identity now,



not some Hollywood flunky spending

his entire life waiting to have lunch.



I want you to sign this release.



I want you to understand

what this means to me,



that I've spent my whole life



waiting to yell "Action" and "Cut"

for the first time.



I used to believe you when you said

we'd have matching black Corvettes,



that one day we'd get to walk up the red

carpet and get interviewed by Mary Hart.



- I really thought it was true.

- It is true, all of it.



It's just ten years late.



I'm sorry, Steven. I'll never sign.



And you can tell Hollywood

she already had her chance.



I just need your signature

right here next to Marshal's.



Why does Steven have to sign a release,

Mr Diamond?



It's standard. I'm gonna sign a release,

the dentists in Virginia will sign a release.



Look at this guy.

He really thinks he's making a movie.



We fucked up, Ray. There's

a big plumbing outfit here in LA.



- Joe Diamond Plumbing.

- Shit.



We have to change his name.



I don't know what to say.

Is this really happening?



- This is it, Steven.

- Thank you, Mr Diamond.



Steven, you've got yourself

a green light.



Looks like he made it



Looks like Steven's on the way

to a better life



Looks like he made it



Steven Schats is on the way

to a better life



Looks like he made it



Steven, come on up.



OK. OK, great.



Well, I just wanna thank all of you

for being here.



And I wanna tell you that all of you

are going to be working on this movie.



And I wanna thank one man for that.

I wanna...



The man who made this all possible.



The man who came into my life

and gave me the gift of a green light.



He made all my dreams come true.

He's the producer of Arizona.



Mr Joe Diamond!



Come on, get happy



Yeah. Yeah, Joe Diamond.



A whole lot of talent

is what he'll be bringin'



To make you happy



- Thank you.

- He had a dream...



Steven, my name isn't Diamond.

It's Wells.



Wells? I thought it was Diamond.



No. Joe Wells. That's my name.



- But you said it was Diamond.

- No, it's Wells.



It's always been Wells.



It's a common mistake.



He'll make you happy



Look at them all.



I thought you might wanna be here

when I picked one out.



How do you know which one to get?



And... action.









Cut it. That's lunch, people.

Moving on.



Very quiet, please.



Director on set.



Something wrong?



I know what the first shot

is going to be.



A wide shot looking across

the desert floor.



Nothing can be seen for miles.



Then we slowly push in.



An image appears...



in the distance,

limping toward us.



Charlotte. An angel walking on water.



Only the water is burning sand,

and the angel is dying.



I've had that shot in my head

for a long time.



Thank you, Joe.



Listen, Steven, what do you think about

doing the picture in New England?



I don't understand.



Do you think you could make it work in,

let's say, Rhode Island?



The dentists and I have made a very sweet

deal with the film commission there,



and they're gonna roll out

the red carpet for us.



But the movie is called Arizona.

It's always taken place in Arizona.



There are scenes

inside the Grand Canyon.



Well, but the guts of the story

wouldn't have to change.



What about the Hopi Indians?



Yeah, but do you realise how many Indians

wound up settling in Rhode Island?



Take it from me.

I've been to both places



and the similarities would astound you.



Do that again.



We're calling this Operation Dramex.



At this time, I would like

to introduce Fanny Nash,



the producer of the hit comedy

No Means No,



to discuss proper

Hollywood protocol.



I am over    years old.



I am physically unable to bear children.



And I pay alimony to my ex-husband,

who is a faggot.



Yet I am willing to bet



that all of you would fuck me

over that desk right now



if you knew you'd be having lunch

with Harrison Ford



as soon as you blew your wad.



If you wanna carry yourself

like you're in the movie business,



you need to act like

the big dog - Clifford -



and remember that

everyone in the entire world



is desperate to play with

your big red balls.



I can see clearly now,

the rain has gone



I love you all.

I'll see you on the set.



...obstacles in my way...



It may have taken ten years,



but Papillon has jumped from the cliff,



and he's swimming to the shore!



...sun-shiny day



Break a leg, Steven.



It's gonna be a bright,

bright sun-shiny day



We're expecting

a smooth flight into Rhode Island,



so please sit back, relax

and enjoy the flight.



So how old was she?






Your wife, when she died.



If you don't wanna talk about it,

I understand.



Sasha was my age.



Was she in the business?



Now, why would I marry a whore?



A whore?



No, no, the business.

The movie business.



Oh, right, the movie business.



Yes, she was. Yes.



- What did Sasha do?

- Hair. She did hair.



Hair. Hair. That's great.



- So you met on the set?

- Yes, on the set.



What movie?









Your wife did the hair on Jaws?



- That's one of my favourite movies.

- Mine, too.



Did it bother her

that Quint always wore a hat?



Well, they had some words, yeah.



That is so ironic.



She worked on Jaws,

and then she drowns in a Jacuzzi.



I never really thought of it

that way before.



The rest of your family...

are they in the movie business?



Well, I have one brother.

He's a doctor, a surgeon.



He was the smart one.

You know, top of his class.



I was never much of a student.



In the sixth grade

I was struck by lightning.






I was standing in the playground

with a metal lunchbox.



Suddenly I saw this light,



the brightest light you can imagine.



The next thing I knew, I was...



I was inside of the light...



I was part of the light.






Feel the top of my head.



Go ahead.



- Do you feel that?

- Yeah.



You know what that is?



That's one in a million.



Steven, this is Troy Haines from

the Rhode Island Film Commission.



Hey, welcome to Providence,

Mr Schats,



the Arizona of the East.



And this is

the Woonasquatucket River,



which used to be known as the

Moshassuck Dam before the floods of '  



and was seen over the credits of

the situation comedy Doctor, Doctor.



Joe, I have to be honest. This doesn't

resemble the Colorado River at all.



Look at all that cement.

And there's way too many cars.



That's a snack bar?

Tony Roma's?



What if we were to shoot

the skinny-dipping scene at night?



I don't know how Rick would see

Charlotte's birthmark.



What about the ducks?



Don't worry about the fuckin' ducks.

I'll take care of them.



This is the second-largest

landfill in New England,



shot by director Miles O'Kief



in the climactic scene

of his film Nora Declares War.



Back then it was a park,



now it's the Grand Canyon.



Just picture some burros,



some tourists in some loud T-shirts.



The trucks are a sound problem.



I think there's too many seagulls.



Well, they mainly feed in the mornings.



No different than the buzzards of Sedona.



Garage   -

the Hopi Indian spirit cave.



How am I supposed to get    Indians

in there dancing around the fire?



Well, we're gonna have to...

you know, force 'em in.









Joe, what are we gonna do?

Most of the locations are shit.



No cactus. There's no desert.



You have to call the dentists.



Maybe you could change the script

just a little.



Change the script? Change...



Joe... Joe, this script is...



You can't just change the...

A cactus is a cactus.



I have an obligation to Charlotte.



I don't have a cactus,

I don't have any thorns.



I don't have any thorns,

no torn dress.



No torn dress,

no birthmark on the ass.



No birthmark, no skinny-dipping

with Rick and Charlotte



on the mighty Colorado River!



No skinny-dipping,

no water snake.



No water snake,

no Chlamydia scare.



No Chlamydia scare,

no doctor...



Well, let me take care of all that.

I'm the producer, OK?



I don't think I can make this work here.



Hey, do me a favour.



Come with me.

I wanna show you something.



Come on.



Mr Schats, welcome

to the Providence Biltmore.



This is your key

to the Eisenhower Suite.



This is your suite.



Welcome, sir.



Maybe it doesn't have to be cactus.



- Tommy, where you goin'?

- Wally's. They're havin' a meetin'.



- With who?

- Hollywood.



Mr Kamin, Steven here



is one of the most sought-after

commercial directors in Hollywood.



Last year he was nominated for

a Clio Award over in East Germany.



The commercial was for a new work boot

called the Verspatten.



I can assure you, the Teamsters

will support your project     per cent.



See, Mr Kamin, that's the thing. We were

hoping to do this picture non-union.



You know. No Teamsters, no minimums.



That gonna be a problem?



Let me make this as clear

as I possibly can.



There is no way you are going

to produce a film in my town



without a full load of union trucks

and union drivers surrounding your set.



You try and make a movie here

without our trucks,



and I'll shut you motherfuckers down

before lunch.



Excuse me.

Can I help you with something?



I hear you're having trouble

with the Teamsters.



I know somebody that can help.



Look at this.



They say American football

don't compare to rugby.



Last night, a player was kicked out



for shoving his index finger up another

guy's ass at the bottom of the pile.



Tommy, this is Joe Wells,

movie producer.



- It's a pleasure, Mister...

- You know what I hate, Mr Wells?



Poor sportsmanship.



I see you're lookin' at my face.



My wife set me on fire

while I was sleepin'.



She doused me with lighter fluid

and lit a match.



Six months later,

our marriage fell apart.



She's very beautiful.



Thank you.



I'd promised her Manhattan,

Las Vegas, Chicago.



But it wasn't happening for me.



Thanks to her,

the company sends me to Providence.



Tommy, he brought the money.



- All of it?

- Eight thousand.



We'd like you to take care

of this thing, Mr Sanz.



- We don't want any trouble with the union.

- It's done.






You just made a deal

with the Teamsters.



That's it. Sanz took the bribe.



Let's move.



Wait, wait.



Devine hasn't given a signal.



Let me ask you something, Mr Wells.



How hard is it to get into

the movie business?



Hi, Steven.



Val. What are you doing here?



- Why are you limping?

- Charlotte was bitten by a water snake.



I jammed a fork into my thigh

to create a sense memory.



Oh, Steven, Steven...



Tell me I'm gonna play Charlotte.



Tell me I have the part.



Tell me it was all worth it.



Well... It's...



That's complicated.



I do have casting approval, though.



We heard the tape.

He took the bribe.



That's racketeering,

conspiracy to manipulate the union.



Abe, you saw how easy this one was.

We can go after bigger fish now.



Joe, it took three dogs

to find your finger in Houston.



You know what you're gonna lose,



you start messing with the bigger fish

in Rhode Island?



It's over.



Abe, just give me one more week

here in Providence.



- No.

- Let me just cast the movie.



That's all I'm asking.



Yeah. Cast the movie.



You said there was no movie.



Tommy Sanz is already on the line.

We can always reel him in.



- Let's see who else we can hook.

- Cast the movie?



You mean really cast it

or pretend to cast it?



Steven, this is Monica Montebello.



She'll be reading the role of

Charlotte's oncologist, Dr Gayle Reeves.



- Hi. How are you?

- Hello.



- Thank you.

- I need a moment, please.



Should I get the stethoscope?



You think she should audition

with the stethoscope?



Look at the shot I'm getting.



What are you doing?

You're shooting her tits.



What choice do I have?



You think it would be OK if I asked Joe

if I could shoot the movie?



- What are you talking about?

- I wanna be the cinematographer.



Steven. Steven.

Emily French is here.



She just drove up in a limo.

She wants to read for Charlotte.



Emily French?

She's been nominated.



She must think this is a big movie.



Maybe it is a big movie.



Emily French.

Oh, she's fantastic. She was nominated.



Oh, what's the name

of that movie she was in?



- She's a blackjack dealer.

- I don't think I saw it.



- I didn't see it, either.

- No, you saw it.



Eric Roberts does her on the pool table.

She's got silver-dollar nipples.



Oh, yeah. I saw that on Cinemax.

Oh, man, she's good.



- I remember that one.

- Yeah. What was the name of that thing?



Emily. Emily French.



- Hi, I'm...

- Don't look at me.



I just had a facial

and my skin looks disgusting.



No, it looks great.



- Really great.

- Really great.



I'm sorry I just turned up like this,

but I got hold of the script



and decided to fight the good fight

for this one.



Do you mind if I do the suicide scene?






I might use this chair



as my spirit cave.



It's really good, actually.



- Could you get me a water?

- Yeah, sure. Absolutely.



- And would you mind getting the lights?

- Yes, ma'am.



Women in Hollywood,

they are beautiful.



You should see the women in the navy.



- The navy?

- They're nice.



Would you switch, actually?






I can't even write my own name.



I guess this means it's almost over.



I can't... keep my hand on the page.



Where were you when I needed you?



Do you know



Where you're going to?



Do you like the things

that life is showing you?



In a moment I'm gonna die.



I wish I could live to see that.



She's a very good actress.



After my nomination, I just... freaked out.



Turned everything down that they sent.



Then I had a late-term abortion,

went into deep depression,



got really into coke,

moved to Florida for a year



and made a bunch of B-movies

for my Euro trash boyfriend,



who wrote and directed and made sure

I got my tits out in every other scene.



The truth is,

I was blackballed in Hollywood



because the great Jed Walker

claimed that the baby was his,



that I had murdered his baby

in the fifth month,



which, if you had seen it,

it clearly was not.



But Hollywood wasn't calling,



so my assistant and I checked ourselves

into rehab in New Mexico



and... started working with clay,



building miniature adobe structures.



Yeah, I've still got a condo there,

but I've decided to start acting again,



and that's why I was in New York

doing that horrible little play in the buff.



Steven, when my African-American agent

sent me a copy of Arizona...



I cried all night...



because I was born to play Charlotte.



I tried to kill myself...






Once in the bathtub and...



once in Switzerland.



Miss French,



we're prepared to offer you the role

of Charlotte right here and now.



- Wait. But Valerie...

- Could I have your autograph?



Joe, I have casting approval.

It's in my contract.



What the fuck is your name?



Steven, we have a chance to do something

right now that could change our lives.



For the first time, I've seen the movie

in my mind, I feel it in my gut.



As your producer,

I'm asking you not to mess this up.



There you go. Why don't you

go and ruin somebody else's dinner?



- OK.

- OK.



- We have a limited budget.

- Are you kidding?



I don't need the money.

I'll be your slave.



I'll wash your shorts.



I'll clip your toenails.

Give me that glass.



I have not failed a drug test

in six months.



Thank you.



Ahem. Miss French, what are you doing?



Peeing in a cup.



There you go.



I'll pee in a cup every day.

Twice a day.



The fucking insurance people can have

all the hot, steaming piss they want.



So, tell me about yourselves.



I want to go into business with you, Joe,

start producing movies all over the country.



I got contacts - Philadelphia,

Jersey, Chicago, New York.



I middle the deals with the Teamsters,

you produce the movies.



I'm talking about a   -   partnership.



These are movies we're talking about here.

There is risk.



You can't put guns to people's heads

and make 'em go to the movies.



If you say so. Anyway, that's why

it's your job to make good movies.



- Do you think you could do that?

- Yeah. I'm a producer. That's what I do.



Good, cos this is what I will do.



Are you insane? It's in Variety, Joe.

There's an article in Variety.



That was planted by Emily French's

publicist, and it's exactly what we needed.



We can't have articles

about famous actresses



starring in our undercover operation.



We're not even supposed to tell

our wives about these things.



Sanz is a partner,

which means they're all partners.



I'm telling you,

we've gotta make this movie now.



I can produce Arizona for $  million,



sell off the foreign and video rights

for twice that much,



presell network and cable

because of Emily French.



And if this movie turns out

the way that I know it will,



I believe we can get

an American distribution deal,



which could mean millions more.



You guys have got to trust me.



Two years from now,



the heads of the Rhode Island family

will be in federal prison



watching the movie

that put them away on HBO.



Abe, you'd better read the script.



- Don't hurt him! He's my baby!

- Val, put the dog down.



What do you think, Steven?

You can just send me away?



You can just send me back to the Valley?

No, no. Charlotte was mine.



- Val, it's Emily French.

- I was supposed to be Charlotte.



She's had breast-reduction surgery.



She understands

the mind-set of mastectomy.



I'm going home, Steven, to do porno.



I'm going home to the Valley.






I'm gonna go home, Steven.

That's right. I'm serious.



Because of you, I'm gonna

get gangbanged, Steven.



Gangbanged in Woodland Hills.



A lot of great actresses

started out in porn.



I'm gonna break this dog's neck.






Listen, what if you played

Dr Gayle Reeves?



The oncologist?



I can't believe it.

I'm the richest man in town.



You know why?

Because I have friends.



- Let's make a movie.

- Let's do it.






"The following screenplay



is the property

of the United States Government. "



"Fade in - Arizona - day. "



"A wide shot across the desert floor. "



"Charlotte is an angel

walking across the water. "



I'm leaning toward this one

with the white nose.



Looks like he might be named Thunder.



His name's Frosty.



What if we called him Thunder?

That's his name in the script.



Would he still trot for us?



He's a donkey. He trots

when you hit him with a stick.



Jesus! Look at the cock

on this one, Steven.



I want riding lessons immediately.



We're in The Hollywood Reporter.

Look at this.



Both our names are mentioned.



Steven, you just got

a telegram from Pat Morita.



He's read half the script, and he thinks

he wants to play the part of Rick.



I'm calling his agents.



This is perfect. I've always pictured Rick

as a middle-aged Asian.



If we get Morita,



we can have anybody we want for

Old Man Larreby and Chief Black Bear.



Joe, I want soaring music

over the reptile house montage.



I think we should go after

Randy Newman to do the score.



Who's Randy Newman?



He wrote the score to The Natural.

Randy Newman.



"I Love LA"? "Short People"?



Short people got



No reason



Short people got



No reason



- Short people got

- No reason to live



- They got little hands

- Hands



Little feet



They drive little cars

that go beep, beep, beep



Well, I don't want no short people



Don't want no short people round here...



What the fuck's wrong with Joe?



Abe, why don't we start

with our general comments?



"While we love the emotional journey

that Charlotte takes in this script,



we feel there are things that could

make this story more accessible



to a general audience. "



"Number one:

A high-speed motorcycle chase. "



I really think we need

to discuss the burro first.






The burro is a big problem

in Washington.



Well, I've already booked the burro.



As we read it, Charlotte frees the old burro

at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.



Yeah, she knows she's dying,

so she frees the burro.



If she liberates the burro back into the wild,

he's gonna die.



Guys, Steven loves the burro.



Joe, we suggest she free some other

type of animal. Maybe a large bird.



She could come across an injured bird

on the side of the road.



Maybe an eagle.



She could mend its wing

and then set it free.



The American bald eagle's

an emotional symbol in this country,



and they're endangered.



She's on foot,



so why is she walking around

carrying a large eagle?



If she had a motorcycle,

she wouldn't be on foot.



I heard you're cutting the burro scene.



- Why wasn't I called?

- We didn't think it would matter to you.



You didn't think it would matter to me.

They didn't think it would matter to me.



You didn't think it would matter to me.



I'm the executive producer

of this film.



I have business cards printed.

It fuckin' matters!



Tommy, the dentists in Boston



believe that the old burro

would die in the wild.



That old burro's gonna die anyway.



It's tired and sickly.



You tell the dentists that Charlotte

is giving it some fuckin' dignity.



We're leaning toward

another animal now.



Like a horse?






Yeah. That'll work.



She's gonna ride an eagle

down to the floor of the Grand Canyon.



Is this a fuckin' Disney movie?



No, no, no. She's gonna find it

by the side of the road.



It's gonna have a broken wing.



Who the fuck broke it?



Production. Can you hold, please?




No, Mr Schats is in a meeting.



All right. I'll transfer you.




No, Mr Schats is in Wardrobe.



He can't come to the phone.



Ta-da! Look at this.



That's it, Emily.

That's the suicide dress.



This will be the last image of Charlotte

as she jumps from the mouth of the cave.



Actually, I wanted to talk

to you guys about that.



About what?



The end of the picture,

the dreaded third act.



I know what you're gonna say.

We don't need the cremation montage.



- It's redundant.

- No, I'm talking about Charlotte's death.



It seems so bloody pointless

to just kill her off like that.



What if she lived?






Lived? Oh, no, that's impossible.



This movie is a runaway train

heading towards Charlotte's death.



I've always felt that dying

inspired her to live,



which is why she tries sushi

for the first time in Flagstaff.



Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.



OK, yeah, I get it.



Yeah, it was just a thought.

I won't bring it up again.



I am so starving.



Anybody want to get a pizza?



Hey. You coming downstairs?

Emily's waiting at the bar.



I stole all the little shampoos.



Little conditioner, little soaps.

Even the shower cap.



I stole them from the hotel,

put them inside my suitcase.



What are you talking about?



Two years ago, I rented a chicken suit.



I stood outside the William Morris Agency

and tried to hand out copies of my script.



They sent two boys from the mailroom

to beat me up.



Well, hey. All that's behind you now.



What if you're wrong?



What if I've waited all this time,

and I can't do it?



Have you ever seen a man die?



I'm not sure I understand the question.



No, have you actually seen a person die,

watched them bleed to death,



seen them take their last breath?

I've seen that... many times.



Why have you seen that?



I used to produce music videos.



And when people are close to death,



when they're lying on the floor

staring up at those lights,



they all have the same

expressions on their faces.



No matter who they are, people are

basically afraid of the unknown.



But you don't have to be afraid.



You can put the shampoo bottles

and the soaps back in the bathroom,



because you're gonna make

a great movie.



We're gonna make

a great movie.









Hey, Joe?



I put a little start-up gift in your room.



Just something to say thank you.



- I didn't get you anything.

- Didn't get me anything?



You got me to Providence.



Get some rest.



Joe, the Federal Bureau of Investigation



is prepared to offer you

a three-picture deal.



You are kidding me.



We'd like to start production on movies

in Philadelphia, New Jersey



and New York City.



Any questions?



I want merchandising.



- What's merchandising?

- Toys.



Go fuck yourself.



Here is the key

to the city of Providence.



Arizona of the East.



The good people of Providence

have one thing to say:



"Break a leg. "



Hello, everybody.

I'm Steven Schats, director.



This is Joe Wells, our producer.



I'd like to just welcome everybody

to the cast and crew read-through,



the first one of Arizona.



We start shooting in three days,

and before we begin,



I'd like to go around the table

and have everyone introduce yourself.



Oh... Pat Morita, playing Rick.



Hey, what about this? Do we want to

see the cancer leave her body?



That could work. That could work.



That could work.

How would we do that?



Emily French, Charlotte.



Clarence Smith, cinematographer.



What if he said,

"Put you in remission"?



I like it.



Russell Means, Chief Black Bear.



It's actually not Chief Black Bear

any more. That didn't clear.



You're gonna have to be called

Chief Black Hawk.



Oh, shit.

Hope I can handle that.



Valerie Weston -

Dr Gayle Reeves, oncologist.






This is my agent, Lonnie.



I guess the trip

must have tired him out.









I'll be dedicating this film to my late agent

and dear friend, Lonnie Bosco.



I wrote a short poem for Lonnie



entitled "Your Arm's Too Short

to Box with Moses".



Mr Wells.



I've got some good news.



There's someone flying in from New York

tomorrow for the first day of shootin'.



Someone very important to me.



This person is head of my family, Joe,

and he wants to get into the business.



He's talking about John Gotti.



I want everyone to stay on their toes.



- Gotti's coming to Providence.

- Make a good impression.



OK, Joe?



So don't fuck it up.



No, you got to



Pick 'em up just to say hello



Well, I don't want

no short people now




You put her in remission?






You thought you could just take it,

didn't you? You thought I'd never find out.



Is that your gun from the show?



Even prop guns fired at close range

can damage an eardrum.



You wanna be deaf?



- What do you want, Marshal?

- I want what you promised me!



I want to walk up the red carpet.



I want my name on a poster.



I wanna be invited back to my high school

to speak at career day.



You want a drink?



Come on, Marshal.



Why did Dad have to

look like Lorne Greene?



Why did he have to be the star?



Take it easy, Marshal.

He means well.



He shoots me three times a day

in the centre of town.



My own father guns me down

like an animal.



Well, then walk away.

Marshal, you're a great writer.



Bullshit. I'm a fake.



And so are you.



And I'm not gonna let you

get away with it.



- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about Charlotte.



Marshal, I'm warning you.



I'm warning you.

We have a sister named Charlotte.



We have a sister. Say it.



- We have a sister named Charlotte.

- No.



- Say it.

- We made it all up.



We never had a sister, Steven.

There is no Charlotte.



We took the name from Charlotte's Web,

Mom's favourite book.



We had a sister.



- We had a sister, you son of a...

- We did not have a fucking...




... sister.



- We did.

- We didn't have a fuckin' sister.



She ate peyote with the Hopi Indians.



My entire crew is planning on wearing

black armbands in memory of her.



Why couldn't you just throw the script away

like everyone else?



This is my big chance, Marshal.



If Wells finds out about...

If the dentists find out the truth...



If you ruin this for me,

I swear to God...



You can't win, Steven.

They will crucify you.



The Providence Cancer Society

had a dinner honouring me tonight.



They flew in Fred Willard to emcee.



They had a scholarship

named after her for summer camp.



Don't you get it?

They love Charlotte.



They need her.

The fact that we made it up...



it means nothing.



You'll never get away with it, Steven.



You can't fool Hollywood.



They can smell a fake a mile away.



I'm not a fake.



I'm a director.



One in a million, huh?



One in a million.



The director is on set.

Repeat: The director is on set.



Half-hour, Miss French.



Anyone bring film?



Very quiet, please.

Director on set.



They grab Ugarte, then she walks in.



Well, that's the way it goes.

One in, one out.



I'm gonna ask Joe

to work on his next movie.






I'm not carrying anybody's chairs.



Who cares what we do as long as

we get the fuck out of this van?



The lion has landed.

The circus has come to town.



He passed checkpoint Bravo.



All right, ten minutes to showtime.



Ten-minute warning, people!

We've got ten minutes!



The tarantula should break for lunch.



Hello, Joe.



- Jack.

- We need to talk.



We should not be doing this,

Mrs Traviano.



- Tommy, we're late.

- I just wanna see this part.



As your lawyer, I want to advise you...



You're not my lawyer, Mr Vaughn.

You're a paralegal.



This Emily French...



she's a revelation.



- FBI!

- Stop right there.



Get down on your knees.

Get down. Get down.



To the ground!

To the ground right now!



Hands behind your back.



So what are you doing here?

Gotti's gonna be here any minute.



I've got some very good news for you.



We arrested Gotti this morning

at the Ravenite Club in New Jersey.



- I don't understand.

- We had a bug up his ass.



Got him on tape talking

about the Castellano hit.



He's gonna be goin' away

for a very long time.



No, no, no, no, no. You're wrong.



Gotti's in Providence.

He's coming here.



The man who is coming here

today is Victor Sanz.



He's Tommy Sanz's   -year-old father.



We arrested Sanz a few minutes ago

at his house.



If the play is in New Jersey, then why are

there five cover teams here in Providence?



Because I've been using

Operation Dramex as a decoy.






Nobody knew, Joseph.

Not even the other agents.






Joseph, don't be mad about this.



I was trying to nail John Gotti.

You helped me do that.



What about the movie?



We're the FBI. We don't make movies.



I want you to go down there

and I want you to shut it down.



We're about to shoot the first scene.

We're gonna get the very first shot.



Right now.



Shut it down and get these freaks

on the next plane back to LA.



Jack, we can make movies

all over the country



and then we can nail

the rest of these bosses.



- Shut it down right now!

- I can't do that.



I'm tellin' you,

shut it down or I'll do it myself.



You're fuckin' yourself.



- This is Jack Devine.

- We're not gonna pull the plug just yet.



- Listen to me. Just listen to me.

- What are you doing?



We're gonna get the first shot,



- and it's gonna be a beautiful shot...

- Put that gun away!



Put that gun down!



Wide angle across the desert floor.



Nothing can be seen for miles.

We pan left.



Suddenly an image appears,

a mirage limping toward us in the distance.



Charlotte is an angel

walking across the water,



except the water is sand

and the angel is dying.



- She's dying?

- Yes.



- She's limping across?

- It's Charlotte!



She's walking...

The angel's dying...



Oh, Joseph, you've always wanted this

so bad, haven't you?



You want it so bad,

and now you just fucked it all up.



Stop it. Put the gun down.



Put it down.



Steven is gonna make a beautiful film.

We can do this...



I don't give a fuck

about Steven and his movie.



I'm shutting this down.



Miss French is coming

out of Make-up right now.



- Roll it.

- Quiet, people. We're rolling.



Arizona, scene one, take one.



Arizona, scene one, take one.



And... action.



It's over, Snake Eyes.

Drop the gold.



We don't need no more killin' here.



This got nothin' to do with your boys,




Let's just finish this. You and me.



What are you doing? Marshal!



You're dead!









This is Director Devine.



This is Director Devine.

Shut it down. Shut it down.



Cut it!



Cut. That was great, Emily.

We'll go again. Great. Great job.



- That's great.

- Going again.



Oh, my God!

Steven, what the fuck?






Oh, my God!



It's the fucking paparazzi!



You people have got to learn to

leave me alone! I'm just a normal person!



Joe, what's happening?

Who are they?



- Dentists.

- What?






Joe, don't leave. Tell them it's OK.



Tell them. You're a producer.



The star, producer

and director of Leaving Arizona



has just pulled to the front of the theatre.



It's an amazing directorial debut

from a tremendous talent



who was the toast of Sundance this year.



- Emily!

- Here she is. Emily French.



Leaving Arizona is the story

of the making of another movie, Arizona,



which was, in fact,

an elaborate FBI sting operation.



So, Emily, how does it feel?



Oh, you know, this film

was such a labour of love for me,



and it was a very difficult journey

that I took -



a journey that almost got me killed

by FBI agents and gangsters.



But I knew as soon as I read this script

that it would make a fantastic film.



Good night!



Thank you. Enjoy the show.



Thank you. Enjoy the show.



Hope you enjoyed the show.



- Good night, Mr Schats.

- Good night, Dustin. Take care.



All right.



Hello, Steven.



My wife didn't drown in a Jacuzzi.



Sasha was my dog's name,



and she killed herself

because I was never home.



My real name is Joe Devine.



Yeah, I know who you are.

I saw the movie.



And, by the way, I thought

Tom Berenger captured you beautifully.



They made my character afraid of heights.

I could never quite understand that.



Yeah, well, here's something

I don't understand, Agent Devine.



Why me?

Why'd it have to be me?



I'm sorry.



Millions of people, and the United States

government takes down Steven Schats.



Well, why?

I'd like to know why.



Because you had no choice

but to believe me.



Go to hell, Joe.



I'd like to try to pay you back

some of that money.



- Please, stop lying to me.

- Well, hey, wait a minute.



What about your lies?

What about Charlotte?



Yeah, that's right.

Charlotte was a lie.



And I'm no director,

and you're not a producer.



But we almost pulled it off, didn't we?



We almost made it happen.

We almost had it all.



That stuff only happens in the movies.



Yeah, I know that.



Do you mind? I'm trying to close up.



I got something for you.



I spent my last day as an FBI agent



stealing this from the evidence room

in Washington.



It's yours.



I'll see you around, Steven.



You're not gonna believe this,

but I'm working on a script.



What's the script about?



About two FBI agents,

one good, one bad,



chasing down a million dollars' worth

of lost drug money



in Los Angeles

during the      Olympics,



and here's the catch:



They're both Mormon.



Well, that's not such a bad idea.



Well, it needs work. Having some trouble

with the second act.



Yeah. Second acts are tough.



I could use a director.



Hey, Joe...



Wanna watch this together?



OK, Sam. Roll it, please.



Arizona, scene one, take one.



And... action.






I want to live!



Oh, my God.



An American eagle?



That looked pretty good.






- I liked the pan.

- It seemed to work.



Wanna watch it again?



Would you play it again, Sam?



So, what's your movie called?



I don't have a title.



It's set in LA, so I thought

it should be Hollywood something.



Hollywood Heat?



Hollywood Cash?



Hollywood Gold.

Hollywood Chase.



Hollywood and Crime.



Hey, that's pretty good.



What time is your audition?



 .  .



Oh, good luck.



I know you're gonna get it.



You love Oreos.



I love you so much.

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