Liar Liar Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Liar Liar Script



[ Chalk Scraping On Blackboard ]
- [ Woman ] W-O... R... K ! Work. Today we're going to share
what our parents do for... [ Children, Woman ]
Work ! My mommy is a doctor. - My daddy is a truck driver.
- My mom's a teacher. - And your dad ?
- Mmm. My dad-- He's... a liar. A-- A liar ? Oh, l'm sure
you don't mean a liar. Well, he wears a suit and goes
to court and talks to the judge. Oh ! l see. You mean he's a lawyer. [ Man ] Hey, Fletcher.
How'd it go ? - Just another victory
for the wrongly accused.
- Yeah, right. - [ Laughs ]
- Mr. Reede, great job.
Do you want your coat back ? No, l'm sure you'll be
needing it again and again. - Do you have a moment ?
- l'm late. lt's my day
to be with my son. A couple of reporters want
to talk about your big win. Yeah ? How's my hair ? Fabulous.
You look great. [ Gasps ] - What time is it ?
- l am sure your dad just
got held up in court again. - Dad !
- Maximilian ! Hey, how ya doin', creep ? Good. Me too, except my arm
has been botherin' me. - Oh, no, Dad !
- Oh, yeah. lt's becoming a claw ! - [ Growling ]
- [ Giggling ] [ Gasps ]
Nothing can stop the claw ! Run, boy, run !
Save yourself ! Do the claw to Mom !
Do the claw to Mom ! Uh-oh. You found
the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures ! - [ Laughs ]
- So, did you have any trouble
finding the place ? Okay, l'm late. l'm sorry.
l ran out of gas. The gauge is broken.
Rough neighborhood too. Good thing l was wearin'
neutral gang colors. l might have had to pull out
my nine and bust a cap. My mind and my money
and my money and my mind - [ Giggling ]
- They would never hurt you,
Fletcher. You're their lawyer. That was below the belt.
Keep the gloves up. Mom, Dad's taking me
to see wrestling ! - Oh, Fletcher !
- Oh, Audrey ! Why do you have to take him
to see that stuff ? lt's very violent. The boy must grow
to be a warrior. Who better to guide him
than Rick Rude... and Randy Macho-man Savage
in the cage of death ? [ Car Horn Honking ] [ Fletcher Moans ]
Oh, good ! - [ Max ] Jerry, how's it goin' ?
- [ Jerry ] Hey, gipper ! You look like you grow
by the minute ! Fletcher, pleasure to see you.
Hi, honey ! - Hi.
- [ Smack ] Wow. That was a nice image.
[ lmitates Keystroke ] Deleted. - l have some more boxes for you.
- Oh, you're an angel. - Boxes ?
- Remember, l told you a few weeks
ago, Jerry's moving to Boston. Oh, right ! The job, the thing.
What do you do again ? - Hospital administrator.
- Right, right ! Well, the boxes
are in my car. Oh, those can wait. l made this young man
a promise, didn't l ? - Got time to throw a few ?
- Sure ! Come on, then ! - l forgot the boyfriend was moving.
- Jerry ! His name is Jerry !
And yes, he's moving. l'm sorry. l hated him less
than your other boyfriends. - lt wasn't serious, was it ?
- Semiserious, yes. You guys aren't--
You know-- [ Grunting ] [ Laughs ] l have been
dating him for seven months. - What do you think ?
- Really ? Ooh ! l was hoping after being married
to me you'd have no strength left. Remember, when we were married,
l wasn't having sex nearly
as often as you were. Ouch ! And the ref
takes a point away. - [ Max ] Out !
- Max is gonna miss him. l'll be here. [ Jerry ]
Ready ? Yeah ! Play ball. Max, come on. We've gotta go. - Dad, are we really going
to wrestling ?
- Absolutely, Max Factor. We just have to stop by
the office for one minute. Excuse me, sir. Any spare change ? Oh, l'm sorry. l'm all out. l can't do it. Fred, it's your duty to present
the strongest case possible. The strongest case possible
consistent with the truth. Will you let the judge
decide what's true ? That's what he gets paid for.
You get paid to win. lf you insist
that l take it to trial, l will represent Mrs. Cole
aggressively and ethically. But Miranda, l won't lie. Then we'll just have
to find someone who will. [ Elevator Bell Dings ] Twenty-first floor.
Men's wear. [ Giggles ] - Hi, Mr. Reede !
- Whoa ! Hey. Did you do something
to your hair ? lt's a bit extreme,
isn't it ? No ! That's the thing nowadays, right ? - He said it would accent
my facial features.
- That's what it does ! lt completely accents
your facial features. We're just gonna go
to my office-- [ Choking ] - Hey, Fletcher.
- Hey, Pete. - You losin' a little weight ?
- l don't know. Maybe. Looks and personality.
A double-threat guy. - Hey, Mr. Reede.
- Hey... man. - lt's, uh, Randy.
- Yeah, l know. Takin' lunch orders.
Anything ? No, thanks. l had so much for breakfast,
l'm ready to pop. - l mean, l'm full.
- Okay. Great. - Max !
- Hi, Greta. - Hey, what's new ?
- lt's my birthday tomorrow,
and we're having a party. Wow ! l am sure your daddy
has got you something wonderful. - Yeah ?
- Yeah, you bet ! Listen, kiddo. Why don't you play in my office
for a minute. Sue somebody
for everything they've got. Maybe you can send a fax
to one of your girlfriends. Hey, sorry. Damn it !
l completely forgot. Oh, what a surprise. You are a saint.
l should buy you a gift. - You did.
- l always do the classy thing.
Any calls ? - The Drawlings' clerk
needs your filing.
- Tell him it's in the mail. Right. You'll do it next week.
Mr. McKinley phoned to confirm
your meeting tomorrow. Strep throat. Some kind of virus.
What's goin' around ? - Asian flu ?
- Good one. - And your mother called.
- l'm on vacation. - lt's your fifth week.
- Snowed in. Phones are down. Break mother's heart.
Done. That's it. - Except Miranda's looking for you.
- [ Groans ] How much ass do l have to kiss
to make partner ? - Tell her l broke my leg
and l had to be shot.
- Tell her yourself. And then send out a notice
of judgement on my win today ! - l'll get right on it.
- Miranda ! Hey, l didn't see you. You look beautiful today. Here ! l bought you a gift. Oh, thanks. l heard about
your victory. Congratulations. You're making quite an impression
on the partnership committee. That's right !
You folks are meetin' soon. l've been so busy,
l haven't even thought about it. [ Chuckles ] Anyway. l have a client
in my office. - Better not keep him waiting.
- Actually, something rather
important's just come up. Um, you're not busy tonight, are you ? We're not going, are we ? Audrey. You know how there are
moments you know are critical ? - Mm-hmm.
- And choices that have to be made... - upon which all one's
future happiness will depend ?
- Mm-hmm. This is one of those moments. What are you
trying to say ? Will you marry me ? - You're moving.
- l know, but l want you
and Max to come with me. Audrey, l've been giving this
a lot of thought. You know l'm not prone to wild
flights of romantic fancy. - Mmm.
- But the thought of you and l
together just makes sense. Now l'm ready. l think
you're ready. l love Max. You love Max.
lt's right. lt fits. So what do you say ? [ Chuckles ] [ Keyboard Tapping ] [ Sighs ] [ Computer Beeps,
Printer Chatters ] Hey, creepy.
Happy birthday. How old are you now,
or ? - l'm five, Dad.
- Okay. Return the beer keg. Cancel the dancing girls. - [ Giggles ]
- l don't know what l'm gonna do. l feel completely unprepared
for this. You see, l bought you a present,
but last night... l accidentally swallowed it. - Dad, it's in your belly !
- Scalpel. l hope it's not
partially digested ! Ooh ! Look out ! - Cool ! What is it ?
- Cool ! lt's-- lt's a surprise. All right, it's a pony.
Just open it ! l'm gonna help,
'cause l can't stand it ! - Baseball stuff !
- Baseball stuff ! Cool ! Can we play ? l'll be Nomo. You can be
Jose Canseco. Can we play ? - Absolutely.
- Yeah ! [ Laughs ] Right after your party
tonight, we'll do it. You and me. l just have to really
concentrate on this right now. [ Printer Chattering ] [ Horn Honks ] Hi ! Hey ! Happy birthday. - Thanks, Mom.
- Happy birthday, Max ! One, two, three, four, five.
And one for good luck ! He struck the child.
Did you see that ? - Look at what Dad got me !
- Whoa ! Great ! Hey, l have my glove
in the car. Maybe we can stop at the park
on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it
and wrap a big rubber band around it. lt'll be great.
Hey, great gift, Dad ! Thanks, son. l'm so glad my gift
could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out
is almost complete. Something's come up,
and we need to talk. Come on, Mom.
l want to go play ! And actually it's kind of important,
so maybe we could talk tonight ? - Tonight ?
- Yes. - Max's birthday party.
- Oh ! Yeah. Sure. Of course.
We'll talk then. Great ! - Maximus ! l'm outta here.
- Bye, Dad. Jerry, enjoy my wife. - [ Chuckles Wickedly ]
- [ Engine Starts ] Hmm. Well, this is good. This is really smart. - Thank you.
- Only-- Well, it's not true.
Does that present a problem ? Mrs. Cole,
the only problem here... is that after you've provided years
of faithful service and loving support, of raising his children--
they are his ? Huh ? Oh. Yeah, yeah.
One for sure. After all that, your husband
wants to deny you... - a fair share of the assets based
on one act of indiscretion.
- Seven. - Pardon me ?
- Seven single acts of indiscretion. Seven acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has
any evidence of... and all of which he himself
is responsible for. - He is ?
- Mrs. Cole. You're the victim here.
The wife of a cold, distant workaholic. Starved for affection, driven
into the arms of another man ! - Seven.
- Yeah, whatever ! You're not trying to deny him
what is rightfully his. - All you're insisting on
is what is rightfully yours.
- Yeah. And maybe a...
[ Puffs ] fraction more. l think you're
bending over backwards. Yeah. l did offer to
give him joint custody of the kids. He is, after all,
a wonderful father. And how does he repay you ? By dragging you through
a painful litigation process ! No, no, no, no !
This can't happen ! With all due respect, this isn't
about you and Mr. Cole anymore. This is about all women. Where would Tina Turner be
right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, lke,
and put some stank on it ?" Rollin' on the river,
that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome,
because she decided to send a message. Wake up, sisters !
There's no-o-o-o-o-o... such thing as a weaker sex ! [ Panting ]
You know what ? You're right, Mr. Reede. l am
tired of getting kicked around ! Good for you ! Thank you.
l am so grateful... to have an attorney
l can trust. [ Gasps ] Oh, you are good. [ Laughs ]
You are very, very good. The Cole case is worth
a truckload of money to this firm. lf you win, l guarantee
you'll make partner. Aw. ln fact, how would you
like to make... a partner right now, hmm ? Oh, l don't know.
l should-- Mmm. Happy, happy, happy
happy, happy, happy Happy
l'm so happy today - l live in the U.S.A.
- So honey ? Have you, uh,
thought about-- - You know, what we talked about ?
- Uh, yeah. l can't go. What ? Wh-Why not ? - Because of Max.
- But he'll love it there. l'm gonna take him
to Fenway Park. There's hiking
and camping-- Well, really,
it's... Fletcher. Fletcher ?
Come on, honey. He wouldn't even come over
unless you reminded him. l know, but when he does
come over, Max is so happy. lt's like they have their
own little world together. - The gipper and l have that too !
- l know, but it's different. - How ?
- Well-- He does the claw. - The what ?
- The claw. You know, it's like this-- l don't-- [ Growls ] [ lmitating Fletcher ] Run for you life.
lt's the claw ! The claw ! [ Laughs ] Mmm. l can't really do it that good.
That's not the point. - The point is...
- [ Phone Ringing ] if they're miles apart,
they're never gonna see each other. Fletcher's never gonna
come to Boston. - [ Ringing Continues ]
- Hello. - Audrey ?
- Fletcher ! Where are you ? We're waiting. Max won't cut the cake
until you get here. Um-- Oh, man ! Actually, something
has come up. l've-- l've got this problem
on a new case. - What happened ?
- Nothing ! l stubbed my toe
on the desk ! l'm really sorry,
but l just can't make it. The boss is, uh,
really ridin' me. Fletcher, it's his birthday ! l know, l know. l'll make it up to him,
l promise. l'll pick him up
from school tomorrow, okay ? - You're gonna pick him up ?
- Yes ! All right, hold on a minute.
You can say happy birthday. - No ! Gotta go ! Good-bye.
- [ Cord Snaps ] Hello. [ Everyone ]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Max Happy birthday to you Okay, birthday boy.
Make a wish. Come on, Max.
lt can be anything you want. Anything in the whole world. Max. Your father is sorry.
He had to work. He said he was gonna
be here. He promised. l know, but he promises that
he is gonna see you tomorrow. Okay ? He's gonna pick you up
from school. All right ? So come on.
Make a wish. [ Thinking ]
l wish that for only one day... Dad couldn't tell a lie. [ Everyone Cheering ] Mmm. That was incredible. Was it good for you ? l've had better. [ Gasping ] "l've had better" ? [ Buzzing ] "l've had better" ? "l've had better." [ Chuckles ] [ Laughing ] - [ Sighs ]
- [ Elevator Bell Dings ] - Hi.
- Hi. - New in the building ?
- Yeah, l just moved in Monday. - Oh ! You like it so far ?
- Everybody's been real nice. Well, that's because
you have big jugs. l mean, your boobs
are huge. l mean, l wanna
squeeze 'em. [ Gasps ] Mama.
[ Sucking Sounds ] - [ Slap ]
- [ Elevator Bell Dings ] - Any change, mister ?
- Absolutely. - Could you spare some ?
- Yes, l could. - Will ya ? How come ?
- Mm-mm. Because l believe
you will buy booze with it ! l just wanna get to the office
without being confronted by the
decay of Western society ! Plus, l'm cheap !
[ Gasps ] Jerk off ! [ Bangs ] [ Thud ] You look like you're
having a rough morning. Ding, ding, ding !
What do we have for her, Johnny ? - Fletcher.
- Dana. All right, Samantha. How much
will it take to put an end to all this ? - Fifty percent of your estate.
- [ Scoffs ] Fifty percent ? With a pre-nup and proof of adultery ?
What's your case ? Our case is simply this. [ Unable To Speak ]
B-- M-- N-n-n-n-- H-h-h-h-- l-l-l-l-l--
[ Clears Throat, Spits ] Mmm.
[ Roars ] Uh-- [ Sputtering
Nonsense Syllables ] [ Nonsense Continues ] Very funny, Fletcher ! You wanna play hardball ?
l'm game. [ lmitating Dana ]
You wanna play hardball ? l'm game. What are you doing ?
What is wrong with you ? [ Bailiff ]
All rise for the Honorable
Judge Marshall Stevens. Honorable ?
[ Blows Raspberry ] Good morning.
Call case number BD- . Samantha Cole vs. Richard Cole. - How are we doing
this morning, Counsel ?
- Fine. Thank you. - And you, Mr. Reede ?
- l'm a little upset about a bad
sexual episode last night. [ Spectators Tittering ] Well, you're still young.
lt'll happen more and more. ln the meantime, what do you say
we get down to business ? - First, Mr. Reede, l see--
- l would like a continuance ! This case has been delayed
several times, Mr. Reede. l realize that, Your Honor, but l would
really, really like a continuance. l'll have to hear
good cause, Counsel. What's the problem ? l can't lie ! Commendable, Mr. Reede, but
l'm waiting to hear good cause.
Do you have one or not ? - Not.
- Motion for continuance denied. ls there any chance
of a settlement in this case ? l don't think so, Your Honor. - But Mr. Reede has made it
clear he has no desire--
- Settle ! - Settle, settle, settle, settle !
- l don't want to settle. Mr. Reede. You convinced me
yesterday, l'm the victim ! l'm starved for affection.
l'm driven into the arms of another man. - Seven !
- Yeah, whatever. With the story you came up with,
l don't think we can lose. - l want to proceed.
- Mrs. Cole, you don't understand. Mr. Reede.
Do we have a settlement ? [ Shouts ] No ! - No, Your Honor.
- There's no settlement. Trial to commence : sharp. [ Retches ] [ Screaming ] [ Elevator Bell Dings ] lt was me ! Hi, Mr. Reede !
Like the new dress ? Whatever takes the focus
off your head. - What's up, Fletcher ?
- Your cholesterol, fatty !
Dead man walkin'. - Hey, Fletcher.
- Hey ! You're not important
enough to remember. - What's it gonna be, Mr. Reede ?
- A pockmark, eventually ! Don't ask !
For God's sakes, don't ask. All right.
You can beat this. lt's all a matter
of willpower ! A test. Something small. Red. Red. All right ?
Now focus. The color of this pen
is r-r-r-- The color of this pen... is re-e-e-e-e-- Re-e-e-e-- The color of the pen
that l hold in my hand... is r-r-r-r-- r-r-royal blue ! [ Yelps ] One lie, and l can't say it ! l'll write it. [ Yelling ] Write it ! Write it,
or l'll break it off ! [ Chuckling Victoriously ] Agh ! No !
Come on ! Stop it. [ Screaming ] Boss ? What happened ? The pen is blue.
The pen is blue ! The goddamn pen is blue ! Mr. Reede, are you all right ? - l gotta go home.
- Home ? Was the case settled ? No ! l have to be
in court at : ! - Then how are you going to go home ?
- l don't know. l don't know. Okay. Uh, Mr. Reede,
Reuben and Dunn called. They need to know where the
Darby settlement offer stands. l just proposed a settlement
to dick with them ! [ Gasps ] Dick with them.
Got it. - And your mother called.
Are you still on vacation ?
- No. - Then you're here ?
- Yes. Thank you for clearing
that up, sir. And your ex-wife called.
She wants to know when you're
coming to pick up your son. Oh, l'm such a shit ! [ Phone Ringing ] - Hello.
- Audrey ? Fletcher, hi. Are you still picking
Max up from school today ? Here's the thing.
l really can't ! l had a case l was certain
would settle, and it didn't,
and l have to go to court. - Right.
- lt's true ! l really
want to see Max today ! [ Softly ]
l really do. Uh-huh, but things just keep coming up
at the last minute. - Yes, but this time it's different.
- l see. How is that ? - Now l'm telling the truth.
- And last night you weren't.
Well, what were you doing ? Having sex ! Well, l hope that it was
with someone very special. No ! That's the thing. l don't even
like her, but she's a partner. l thought l could help my career
by makin' her squeal. [ Screams ] Aah ! What's wrong with me ? l'm getting what l deserve.
l'm reaping what l sow. l'm-- [ Children Chattering ] - ls Dad still picking me up ?
- No, Max, he's not. l'm sorry, but l'm gonna
pick you up, okay ? l'll work it out. l guess my wish
didn't come true. - What wish ?
- l wished that for just one day
Dad couldn't tell a lie. [ Bell Ringing ] Max ? l have something important
to talk to you about, okay ? - Okay.
- Okay. [ Phone Ringing ] - Hello ?
- Audrey ! Let me explain.
Something has happened to me. Well, something else
is about to happen to you.
Max and l are moving to Boston. - What ?
- Jerry has asked me to marry him, and Max and l are going
this weekend to look at houses. l thought it was semiserious ! lt's just been given
a violent shove into serious. You can't move to Boston;
l'll never see Max ! You'll have the same relationship
you have with him now, won't you ? - Where are you ?
- l'm going home. When you get there, just stay there.
l'm comin' over. We have to talk. - Fletcher !
- l'll be right there. - Hey, Mr. Reede--
- La, la, la, la La, la, la, la [ Singing Nonsense ] [ Bell Dings ] - Fletcher.
- Holy hell ! You can run,
but you can't hide. [ Tires Squealing ] What's your problem, schmuck ? l'm an inconsiderate prick ! [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, shit ! Shit ! - You know why l pulled you over ?
- Depends on how long
you were following me ! - Why don't we take it from the top ?
- Here goes. l sped, l followed too closely,
l ran a stop sign, l almost hit a Chevy, l sped
some more, l failed to yield, l changed lanes without
signaling while speeding ! - ls that all ?
- No. l have unpaid parking tickets. [ Groans ] Be gentle. Audrey ! Wait ! Wait, Audrey. Ooh !
Hold on. Wait ! Wait. l just had an insight
into myself. l'm crazy. You call and say,
"Wait, l'll be right over," and here's the crazy part--
l actually wait. - l can explain this.
- l have missed a department meeting. - Did you come in a cab ?
- Yes ! Where's your car ? Thank you ! l can't tell you
how much this means to me. - l can. $ . .
- How do you sleep at night ? l'm takin' this.
[ lnhales Loudly ] [ Loud Crunch ] [ Tires Squealing ] You scratched my car ! - Where ?
- Right there ! Oh, there.
That was already there. Why, you ! You liar ! -You know what l'm gonna do about this ?
-What ? Nothing ! Because if l take
you to court, it'll drain
eight hours out of my life, and you won't show up,
and if l got the judgement,
you'd just stiff me anyway ! So l'm gonna piss and moan
like an impotent jerk... and then bend over and
take it up the tailpipe ! You been here before,
haven't ya ? Well, l can't remember
when l've had more fun, but if you'll excuse me,
l have a class. Are you marrying this guy
because you're mad at me ? No, l divorced you
because l was mad at you. - Wait. l want to talk about this !
- What do you want to say ? ls this guy right for you ?
He is so... not me ! - That's one of his best qualities.
- But he's kind of a magoo. - l'm sorry.
- You're wrong. Sometimes
maybe he is a little-- - Magoo !
- Yes. But since we've been going out-- - My God, l'm not having
this conversation with you.
- Audrey, you can't go. - This is not fair.
- Fair ? Okay, let's define fair. Last night
a five-year-old boy was crushed... because his father lied to him
about coming to his birthday party. - Fair ?
- Last night-- - Was none of my business.
None of my business.
- Thank you. Two years ago, it was my business.
But l don't have to care anymore. That's the magic of divorce.
But it matters to Max ! Everything you do matters,
and everything you don't do. All right.
Now let me tell you something. l'm a bad father ! l mean-- l'm a bad father. You're not a bad father...
when you show up. What if l come right after court
and play ball ? Then you and l can talk before
you make any rash decisions ! No, we are leaving tonight. Please, Audrey.
Give me one more chance. l'm throwin' myself
on the mercy of the court. l lost you, but please
don't make me lose Max too. Give me a chance to be
the father l started out to be. - You're really coming ?
- This is ironclad. This is the mother of all promises.
What time ? Okay, : . - Ten to six.
- All right. All right. But if l tell
Max that you're coming, and you don't show up and l have
to see that look on his face-- that heartbreaking look-- we're going to Boston. lf l don't show up,
l'll pack you myself. l will lovingly wrap your
nicknacks with bubble paper. l hope so. Do you know what your son was doing
at : last night ? He was making a birthday wish
that for just one day... his father couldn't tell a lie. Oh, my God !
That's it ! "l do not like them, Sam l Am. "l do not like green eggs and ham. "Would you like them here or there ? - l would not like them--"
- Excuse me. Hi. l'm Max's bad father--
Er, l'm his father. - Dad !
- Could l borrow him
for just one second ? - Monster Max !
- You came to play catch ? l'd like to, but l can't.
l gotta talk to you. Your mommy told me about that wish
you made last night. lt came true, Max. - Really ? You mean you
have to tell the truth ?
- Yes. - No matter what ?
- No matter what ! - ls wrestling real ?
- ln the Olympics, yes.
On channel no. - Will sitting too close
to the TV set make me go blind ?
- Not in a million years. lf l keep making this face,
will it get stuck that way ? Uh-uh. ln fact some people
make a good living that way. Now listen, Max.
You've gotta do something for me. l need you to take back that wish. - So you can lie ?
- Yes. But not to you.
You see, Max, sometimes grownups need to lie. lt's hard to explain,
but if-- Look, here's a good example.
When your mommy was pregnant with you, she gained pounds;
there was nothing she wouldn't eat. And Daddy was scared.
But when she'd ask me, "How do l look ?" l'd say, "Honey, you look great.
You're glowing." lf l had told Mommy she looked like
a cow, it would have hurt her feelings. - Understand ?
- My teacher tells me
real beauty's on the inside. That's just something
ugly people say. Max, no one can survive
in the adult world if they
have to stick to the truth. l could lose my case, l could lose
my promotion, l could even lose my job. Now, l need your help, Max. [ Sighs ] Okay. Okay. Do whatever
you did last night, only this time,
make it an "unwish." l did it. Excellent ! Now, l just need
a little test. -Did it work ?
-Not like l'd hoped. Did you unwish it ? - Only--
- What ? Only what ? Yesterday, when l wished it,
l really meant it. This time when l unwished it,
l only did it 'cause you told me to. All right.
Do it again. And this time, mean it. - But l can't !
- Why not ? - 'Cause l don't want you to lie.
- l explained this. l have to lie.
Everybody lies. Mommy lies.
Even the wonderful Jerry lies. But you're the only one
that makes me feel bad. - [ Bell Ringing ]
- [ Teacher ] Max, recess is over. Come on in ! Mom says we're moving to Boston. That isn't for sure yet. She promised we'd talk
about it tonight. l am comin' ! You believe me,
don't you, Max ? l'll see you later, buddy. [ Squish ] [ Elevator Bell Dings ] - Fletcher. How's it hangin' ?
- Short, shriveled
and always to the left. Boss, it's Skull.
He knocked over another A.T.M. This time at knife-point.
He needs your legal advice. [ Shouting ]
Stop breakin' the law, asshole ! Boss, are you all right ? My son hates me. Max loves you.
l've seen you together. You're his hero. Oh, yeah ? Last night at his birthday
party, he made a wish... that l wouldn't be able
to lie for one whole day. - Kids.
- lt came true. - What ?
- Max's wish ! lt came true. Boss, maybe you should
just take a few days off. Greta ! Didn't it seem weird
to you that l kept tellin'
the truth all morning ? Well, yeah. But-- What are you saying ?
That you are incapable of lying ? That's right !
l am incapable of lying ! - [ Greta ] Just for today ?
- Apparently. 'Til : tonight. lt's one of those
-hour curses. [ Greta ]
Those are goin' around. - You don't believe me, do you ?
- Of course not. [ Chuckles ]
How ironic ! Okay. Ask me something
you think l would normally lie about. All right. Remember a couple
of months ago when l wanted a raise ? - l don't want to do this.
- And the company
wouldn't give me one... and l asked if you would give it
to me out of your own pocket... And you said the company
would not allow it, because
it would create jealousy... among the other secretaries. Was that true, or did you just
not want to pony up the dough ? Greta, please ! Judge Stevens, hi !
Fletcher Reede. l'm scheduled
in your court in half an hour. Judge Stevens, l badly, badly
need a continuance. lll ? Am l ill ? That is
the perfect question for you to ask. - Please lie for me !
- l remember when you bought me this... antique frame from Tiffany's--
Tiffany's ? Garage sale. Six-fifty,
marked down from ten. [ Glass Breaking ] l'll give you the raise ! Here's your raise. [ Gasps ] Hi, Judge Stevens !
l know l haven't given you an answer. - [ Phone Ringing ]
- But illness could mean so many things. Can you hold ?
Hello ? Mom ! Hi ! l wasn't really
on vacation. Because l didn't want
to talk to you ! Because you insist on talking
about Dad's bowel movements--
size, color, frequency ! l'll call you later !
[ Punching Buttons ] Hello ? Oh, damn it !
l cut him off. l cut off the judge ! [ Screaming ] Greta ! Don't leave ! Mr. Reede. Several years ago,
a friend had a burglar on her roof. He fell through the skylight, landed on
a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend.
He sued my friend ! Because of guys like you, he won ! My friend had to pay the burglar $ .
ls that justice ? No. l'd have got him ten. - Good-bye, Mr. Reede.
- No, wait ! l didn't understand !
Ask me again ! - Have a nice day in court.
- Greta ! - Hi.
- God in heaven ! lt's nice to see you too,
Fletcher. Are you busy ? - Extremely.
- Good. Would you follow me, please ? Did you know that the
partnership committee is headed
by Mr. Allan himself ? - Mm-hmm.
- You used to work
directly for Mr. Allan. - Yeah.
- Tell me. What do you think of him ? [ Gasps ] He's a pedantic,
pontificating, pretentious bastard ! A belligerent old fart !
A steaming pile of cow dung !
Figuratively speaking. Really ? How delightful.
This way. Pardon me for interrupting.
Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher Reede ? Oh, yes ! Nice to
see you again, Fletcher. l'll be observing you
in court this afternoon. l've been hearing
some good things about you. Well, Fletcher has just been telling me
how much he thinks of you. Why don't you tell Mr. Allan ?
Well, what do you think of him ? He's a pedantic, pontificating,
pretentious bastard. A belligerent old fart.
A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. [ Sighs ]
Figuratively speaking. [ Laughs ] [ All Laughing ] That's the funniest damn thing
l've ever heard ! You're a real card, Reede ! l love a good roast ! Do Simmons ! - Simmons is old !
- [ Everyone Laughs ] He should have been out years
ago, but he can't stay home
'cause he hates his wife ! You've met her
at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered
and calls him a retard. And you, Tom. You're the biggest
brownnose l've ever seen ! You've got your head so far up
Mr. Allan's ass, l can't tell
where you end and he begins ! Priceless ! You have bad breath
caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star
off. Your hairpiece looks like
something that was killed. l don't know whether to comb it
or scrape it off and bury it in lime ! Loser ! ldiot !
Wimp ! Degenerate ! Slut ! l like your style, Reede !
That's what this stuffy company needs ! - A little irreverence !
- Good ! l'll see you later, dick-head ! Dick-head !
Priceless ! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ! [ Laughing Continues ] [ Moans ]
Keep your eye on that boy. Dick-head ! [ Laughing Loudly ] [ Thud ] [ People Murmuring ] [ Bailiff ]
Third District Court is now in session. The honorable
Judge Marshall Stevens presiding. Afternoon, Counselors.
Are we ready to begin ? No, sir !
We are not ready to begin... because my client
has not arrived ! Hurry up !
Move it, move it ! Here she comes
to wreck the day - Mr. Reede !
- Sorry, Your Honor. Go, go, go. Lupe,
you keep those kids quiet. - l'm not even close to kidding.
- Sí, seňora. [ Sighs ] Sorry.
Billy threw up in the car. You brought your kids
to your divorce ? - Sympathy.
- Well, it's working. - l feel sorry for them already.
- Hmm. [ Judge ]
Miss Appleton, you may begin. From March through June ... l surveilled Mrs. Cole
at the behest of Mr. Cole. During that period,
l noted that Mr. Cole... left each day
between : and : . Thereafter Mrs. Cole
would frequently have... a male visitor arrive and stay
from one to four hours. l was able to take several photographs
of the male visitor. l see. Do you know what Mrs. Cole
and her male visitor did... during these frequent... visits ? [ Witness ] Well, they were pretty good
about keeping the shades drawn, but l was able to make
a recording of one such session. Your Honor,
as you are aware, under the terms
of the prenuptial agreement, if Mrs. Cole commits adultery,
she is entitled to nothing. With your permission, we'd like to play
the following tape recording. [ Playback Button Clicking ] [ Samantha Moaning On Tape ] [ Man On Tape ]
Here comes big daddy ! [ Samantha ]
Oh, God ! Do it to me ! - [ Man Grunting ]
- Do it to me ! Harder ! Harder ! [ Gulping ] [ Samantha Moaning, Screaming ] Oh, come on ! Your Honor, how can it be proved
that the male voice on that tape
is not Mr. Cole himself ? [ Samantha On Tape ]
You are such a better lover
than my husband ! - Your Honor, l object !
- And why is that, Mr. Reede ? - lt's devastating to my case !
- Overruled. Good call ! - [ Man On Tape ] l gotta go.
l haven't cleaned your pool.
- Your witness. [ Samantha Panting On Tape ]
All right. Well, Mr. Reede,
you may proceed. [ Whispers ]
How ? Your Honor, would the court be willing
to grant me a short bathroom break ? - Can't it wait ?
- Yes, it can. But l've heard that if you hold it,
it can damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult
to get an erection ! - ls that true ?
- lt has to be. Well, in that case, l better
take a little break myself. But you get back here immediately
so we can finish this. [ Murmuring ] [ Groaning ] How am l going
to get out of this ? Think. Think. Think ! Owie ! Owie ! [ Grunting ] [ Screaming ] [ Yelling, Groaning ] Ohh ! Ohh ! Ohh ! [ Groaning Continues ] [ Crash ] [ Grunting ] [ Groaning ] [ Screaming, Crying ] What the hell
are you doing ? l'm kicking my ass !
Do you mind ? [ Screams ] [ Murmuring ] [ Groaning, Gasping ] [ Bailiff ] l found him like this
in the bathroom, Your Honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him. - Who did this ?
- A madman, Your Honor ! A desperate fool at the end
of his pitiful rope ! What did he look like ? About ' ", pounds,
big teeth, kind of gangly. Bailiff, have the deputy
search the building. - Yes, sir.
- [ Spectators Murmuring ] Order ! Order ! [ Gavel Pounding ] Under the circumstances, l have
no choice but to recess this case... until : a.m.
tomorrow morning. Unless, of course, you feel
you can still proceed. Can you ? [ Sobbing ]
Yes, l can. l admire your courage, Mr. Reede. We'll take a short recess
so that you can compose yourself, and then we'll get started. Here you go. - [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Gasps ] - [ Phone Rings ]
- Hello ? - Dad ?
- Max ? How's it goin' ? Great. You know Paul and Emanuel
from across the street ? - Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Well, they never want
to play baseball with me. But l told them l'm playing
tonight with my dad. So now they want to play.
ls that okay ? Sure. The more the merrier. Coolest ! Do you wanna be
Jose Canseco ? Oh, yeah. Who else is gonna hit
that famous Nomo slider ? - Mr. Reede.
- l gotta go now, Max. - l'll see you
in a couple hours. Okay ? Bye.
- Bye, Dad. He's really coming !
l'm gonna go change. - Okay, go ahead !
- Yeah ! Mr. Reede ! [ Mocking ]
Mr. Reede ! Mr.-- This is my lawyer.
He's a little unorthodox. Mr. Reede, you remember Kenneth Falk,
the man from the tape. - How could l forget ?
- Hey, how you doin' ? l've slipped into the seventh
circle of hell ! Thank you. - You ?
- Shouldn't we be going over
our testimony right now ? Basically, the plan is,
l walk you through the tape. Step-by-step,
l ask you questions. - And we give the explanation
you came up with.
- Exactly. All we gotta do is lie.
That sounds simple enough. Doesn't it ! Then l'll finish up
with dramatic questions. Something like: Mr. Falk, isn't it true
that you and Mrs. Cole... have never made
Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo, lo-- Lo-- Ugh ! Oh, God !
l can't do it. l can't finish the question
if l know the answer is a lie. You may proceed, Mr. Reede. Respondent calls... Kenneth Falk. Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, so help you God ? l do ! l mean-- l do. Mr. Falk.
[ Clears Throat ] Do you know my client,
Samantha Cole ? Yes. lsn't it true that your relationship
with my client is entirely platonic ? l object, Your Honor ! To yourself ? Yeah. But l would like to...
rephrase the question. [ Groans ] Mr. Falk, would l be accurate... if l described your relationship
with Mrs. Cole as totally professional ? l object, Your Honor,
and l move to strike ! Mr. Reede, l don't know
what you're on, but you better get
to the point and quick. Thank you, sir. [ Murmuring ] ls your relationship
with my client entirely platonic ? Not ! ls not your relationship
with my client: "Boink ! Bad baby, bad baby !" Did you ever not make lo-- - Did you-- [ Exhaling ]
- Mr. Reede ! You had sex with her every time you met,
didn't you ? Didn't you ! Liar ! - He's badgering the witness.
- lt's his witness. You slammed her !
You dunked her donuts !
You gave her dog a "snaussage" ! You stuffed her
like a Thanksgiving turkey ! [ Gobbling Like Turkey ] All right, it's true, okay !
l humped her brains out !
There ! Now you happy ? No further questions. [ Low Murmuring ] Um-- No questions. [ Judge ]
You may step down. Do l dare ask you
to call your next witness ? l have no further witnesses,
Your Honor. What are you doing ?
Call me ! You do not understand.
l can't lie. l can't do anything dishonest
until : tonight ! Listen, you bastard !
l want my money ! l am not going to end up
a -year-old divorcee on welfare... because my scumbag attorney
had a sudden attack of conscience ! Thirty-one ? lf Mr. Reede has
no further witnesses, then l have no choice
but to rule in favor of-- Your Honor ! l call Samantha Cole
to the stand. - [ Murmuring, Chattering ]
- Order. Order ! Order ! - Knock it off !
- Sit down ! Mr. Reede, it is out of
sheer morbid curiosity... l'm allowing this...
freak show to continue. Mrs. Cole...
if you dare. Mrs. Cole... is this a copy
of your driver's license ? - Yes.
- lt says here you're
a blonde. Are you ? - [ Scoffs ]
- lf you don't remember,
perhaps Mr. Falk will. - Brunette.
- We can play the tape again.
Maybe it's on there. l'm a brunette ! Thank you.
Now let's see. "Weight: ."
Yeah ! ln your bra. - Your Honor, l object !
- You would ! - Bastard !
- Hag ! Quiet ! Overruled ! Weight ? One-eighteen. All right, fine, fine.
l'm . Uh-huh. And it says here
you were born in but that's not true
either, is it ? - ls it !
- No. Will you tell me what it says
here on your birth certificate
under "date of birth" ? Your Honor, what does this
have to do with anything ? Overruled. Mrs. Cole,
answer the question. [ Blows Air ]
" ." Now let me get this straight. That would mean that you lied
about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman
want to do that ? l changed it
so l could get married. And the truth
shall set you free ! My client lied about her age ! She was only when she got married,
which makes her a minor, and in the great
state of California, no minor can enter
into any legal contract... without parental consent,
including-- Prenuptial agreements. Prenuptial agreements !
This contract is void ! The fact that my client has been ridden
more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property
applies, and she is entitled
to half of the marital assets, or $ . million ! Jordan fades back. Swoosh !
And that's the game ! Nothing further, Your Honor. [ Applause ] [ Judge Pounding Gavel ] Order. Order. Order ! ln light of this new evidence, the court must rule
in favor of Mrs. Cole. - Yes !
- She is hereby awarded
half the marital assets. - [ Screams ]
- The son of a bitch pulled it off ! - l didn't know !
- [ Dana ] lt doesn't matter.
The contract's void. [ Judge Pounding Gavel ]
Order. Order. l understand both parties
have agreed to joint custody. - ls that correct ?
- Yes. - Yes.
- No. l'm contesting custody. - What ?
- lf l get sole custody, that's another ten grand
in child support payments. You just won $ million ! Hey, l'm the victim here.
You said it yourself. Now l'm gonna hit him
where it hurts. [ Whispering ] But you--
you said he was a good father. So ? Well, Mr. Reede, do we have
an agreement on custody or not ? No. l see. ln that case, there
will be a custody hearing
on the th at : a.m. Court is adjourned. [ Murmuring, Chattering ] - Come on, let's go.
- Daddy ! You stop that whining, or l'll
give you something to whine about ! l wanna go with Daddy ! Come here, kids. Come on.
lt's all right. Don't you worry. l promise we'll be together,
whatever l have to do. lt's okay. lt's okay. Oh, for God's sake, will you
give me those ? They're mine ! Let go of Daddy ! Let go of him !
Let go of Daddy ! - We're leaving now ! Lupe, come on !
- Sí, seňora. Don't you have some checks to write ?
You haven't paid for them yet. [ Laughing ]
l love children. They give you so much leverage
in a case like this. You did an incredible job, partner. [ Laughing ]
Look at him. He's stunned.
He can't believe it. Your Honor, may l please
approach the bench ? We're adjourned, Mr. Reede. Your Honor, l think
we've made a big mistake. Mr. Reede, l am tired
and very cranky. l know, but this is
just... wrong, isn't it ? l manipulated the system. Just because you bought it doesn't mean
l'm right. lt's a technicality ! Young man, having my judgement
mocked in my own court... is not something
l'm prepared to tolerate ! Well, tell that to the kids
when they're adopted...
by the Manson family ! One more word out of you, Mr. Reede,
and l'll hold you in contempt ! l hold myself in contempt ! Why should you be any different ? Bailiff, take him away ! This man is a good father,
and children are not leverage ! Oh, no, don't do this !
l have a date to play ball with my son ! l can't be late !
lt's my last chance ! l'm Jose Canseco ! l'm Jose Canseco ! Phone call !
Phone call ! l get a phone call !
l get a phone call ! - l get a phone call !
- [ Phone Ringing ] - [ Phone Rings ]
- Hello ? Audrey, it's me.
Don't hang up ! l can't talk right now.
Our flight leaves at : . - What ?
- l'm taking Max someplace
where you can't do this anymore. Audrey, wait ! The most amazing thing
has happened to me. l'm a changed man !
Just come to the courthouse
with $ and bail me out. - [ Sighs ]
- Hello ? Hello ? - Time's up, pal.
- No, just one more call.
Just one more call. [ Groaning ] [ Audrey ]
Okay, let's go. - Ready ?
- Yeah. - Will you get the door, please ?
- Okay. Thank you. Mr. Reede, you made bail. Greta ! Oh, thank God ! Am l too late ?
Have you been sexually molested yet ? Because l could circle the block. How did you know l was here ? One of the other secretaries
called me at home, said you went all noble
in front of Mr. Allan. Yeah, l think l'm fired.
lsn't that great ? l'll start my own firm.
Do you need a job ? l don't think
you can afford me. [ Both Laughing ] Oh, man, l gotta get my car.
Audrey's on her way to the airport. l could lose Max forever.
l can't let that happen. l love him ! You know, this truth stuff
is pretty cool. l love my son !
l love my son ! l love my son !
l love my son ! Hey, need some change ?
Take everything ! But it's not gonna make you happy. - [ Muttering ]
- l love my son ! l love my son ! l love my son ! Hey, there you are ! - Hi.
- Just in time. Oh, this is the happiest moment
of my entire life. O-Oh ! Well, m-me, m-mine-- Well, ours... also. Hey, gipper. l have something
for you, young man. Ooh, watch yourself.
lt's the claw ! [ Laughs ]
Ooh, the claw's comin' at ya. Ooh, you're scared of the claw.
You're scared of the claw. - Jerry. Jerry.
- Huh ? lt's okay.
You don't have to-- [ Woman On Loudspeaker ]
Tower Air flight
to Boston is now boarding. - Ooh, that's us.
- Yeah. - Ready to go ?
- Yes. You ready ? - Okay.
- Great. [ Woman On Loudspeaker ]
Jim Rubing, please report
to Airport Security. [ Tires Screeching ] Excuse me ! What gate is flight leaving from ?
lt's an emergency ! Gate number
but you'll never make it.
Flight's already boarding. lt takes more than a half hour
to get through security. lf you want to go to Boston,
there's another flight leaving
tomorrow morning at : a.m. Flight number one-twenty-- [ Stewardess On Speaker ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard flight ... from Los Angeles
to Boston's Logan Airport. We'll be departing shortly, and if you
need help stowing your carry-on items-- - Honey, can l help you ?
- l'm fine. - Are you sure ?
- Jerry, l can open the bag ! Would you like anything
to drink before takeoff ? Yes. Anything
with alcohol, please. Audrey. [ Stewardess ]
lf you'll focus on the screen,
we'll be running a safety video. How about that drink ? [ Grunting ] Max ! Max ! Max ! Wait ! [ Grunts ]
That oughta do it. Hey ! Thanks ! lt's running great ! [ Tires Screeching ] Max ! Hey ! Max ! Hey ! Max ! l'm coming ! Max ! Max ! Max, where are you ? l love you. [ Gasps ] Thank you.
[ Clears Throat ] That wasn't exactly
the answer l was looking for. [ Sighs ]
Thank you very much ? - l'm sorry. lt's just--
- Too fast ? - lt was too fast, wasn't it ?
- No, i-it's-- Chemistry ?
Whatever it is, we can work on it. - No, no, no. lt's just that--
- Oh, my God, it's Fletcher ! - No, no, this has nothing
to do with Fletcher.
- No, honey, it's Fletcher. - What ? [ Gasps ]
- Dad ? l made it !
l'm late, but l made it ! What is he doing ? He came to see us off. Wave. l won't let you go ! Oh, shit ! Da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da Control one-nine,
this is Tower heavy.
Ready for takeoff. Hey ! - What was that ?
- Looked like a shoe. Pull over ! Pull this thing over ! Control one-nine, some idiot
has hijacked a flight of stairs.
We're gonna stop this plane. [ Man On Radio ]
One-nine Control. We copy. Yeah ! No-o-o-o-o ! [ Screams ] [ Jet Taking Off ] [ Sirens Wailing ] [ Laughing ] You people are all doing
a wonderful job ! That's far enough, folks. He's my husband--
was my husband. - All right, go ahead.
- Okay. Max, you stay here with Jerry,
and l'll be right back, okay ? - [ Sirens Wailing ]
- [ Chattering ] - Audrey ! Great news !
- Fletcher ! Both my legs are broken,
so they can't take me right to jail. Fletcher, what were you doing ?
Are you out of your mind ? No, l'm thinking clear.
l've never been this clear ! - Dad ?
- Creep. - He was getting kind of upset.
- Are you all right ? Yeah. l'm hurtin' here, though. l'm a dope, Max. All this time
you've been here... and l could see you anytime,
but l didn't. Then your mom told me
you were moving to Boston,
and l started thinking. l could be sitting around
sometime and... want to look at you
and hold you and play with you, and l won't be able to. l don't think l'm gonna
do too well with that. l love you more than anything else
in the world, Max, and you know it's true. l couldn't say it if it
wasn't true. Not today. l love you, and l'll
never hurt you again. He's telling the truth, Mom.
He's not allowed to lie. l made a wish, and anything Dad
says today has to be the truth. Max. lt's : . You made the wish at : . l've been able to lie
for the last half hour. - So you weren't--
- No, it was the truth ! l just wanted
to be honest with you. l always want
to be honest with you. Mom, do we have to go to Boston ? No, Max, you don't have to go. - Yeah !
- [ Laughing ] l, on the other hand,
do have to. A hospital to run. That's an open-ended ticket
if you ever change your mind. Thank you. [ Fletcher Laughing ] Looks like he's
got his father back. [ Laughing Continues ] Happy birthday, dear Maximus Happy birthday to you Okay, Max, make a wish. Ahhh, wait ! l don't know
if we should do this. Oh, Fletcher, come on. What are
the odds of that happening again ? Yeah, l guess you're right. Okay, Max, go ahead. Mom ? Dad ? Max ! Did you wish for your mom and l
to get back together again ? No, l wished for Rollerblades. Do you want to cut the cake... Dad ? l'd love to. But l have
this horrible pain in my arm. Oh, no, it's the claw ! No one can stop the claw ! - [ Screaming ]
- No one can stop it ! [ Screaming, Laughing ] Nothing can stop the claw ! [ Growling ] [ Elevator Bell Dings ] [ Laughing ] lf l was a boxer, l would bounce
those things like Sugar Ray Leonard. - l'm sorry.
- [ Laughing ] Brought your kids
to your divorce ? - Sympathy.
- Well, it's working ! l feel sorry for them already. For this you will pay
a terrible price. [ Laughter ] Well, it's working !
l feel sorry for them already. Hmm. [ Pouring Liquid ] - Ahhh !
- [ Laughter ] Mrs. Cole... a goose. [ Laughter ] lncluding-- Prenuptial agreements. Prenuptial agreements [ Laughter, Applause ] No ! l'd have got him ten. [ Greta ]
Good-bye, Mr. Reede. No ! Wait !
l didn't know she had-- [ Muttering, Gurgling ] [ Laughter ] [ Making Strange Noises ] - Oh, shit.
- [ Laughing ] Now let's see. "Weight: " ? Yeah ! ln your bra. - Your Honor, l object !
- You would ! - Overactor !
- Jezebel ! [ Laughing ] [ Applause ] He put me up to it.
[ lndistinct ] Yeah, sure he did.
[ Laughing ] Oh, no.
They're onto me. [ All Laughing ]
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