Life Stinks Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Life Stinks script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mel Brooks movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Life Stinks. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Life Stinks Script





...down twenty-four points

in light trading...



sixty-two million shares.



declines outnumber advances

three to two.



new claims for unemployment

benefits rose      ...



in the fourth week of April

to       .



The number of persons

collecting benefits rose      .



They still are running

at about  .  million.



The weekly jobless claims




are the earliest indication

of how the economy is doing...



and will give

any early signal...



when the economy begins

to come out of recession.



Gold--up $  .   at the afternoon

fixing in London at    .  .




-Oh, shit.



lnternational communications

is the most active issue.



lt's down a dollar,

at forty-seven.



U.S. Amalgamated is down a half,

at twenty-nine.



The biggest move of the day--

Bolt enterprises.



The stock is up $ .   at   

sparked by reports...



that Goddard Bolt intends

to purchase a prime section...



of downtown Los Angeles

real estate.



Morning, Mr. Bolt.






Gentlemen, let's go to work.



Pritchard, how are we doing

with our development in Brazil?



Mr. Bolt, we just learned...



that in order to build Club Bolt

the way you envision it...



we'd be forced to cut down

six thousand acres...



of natural Brazilian

rain forest.






Well, sir, the last four hundred

remaining lpi lndians...



left in the world

are still living there.






Sir, if we cut down

their forest...



we'd have to displace them,

and they could cause trouble.



Well, they're not gonna want

to live there anymore anyway.



-Why not?

-no shade.



How are we doing with

our new development in Florida?



Sir, we are having a slight

problem in Fort Lauderdale.



ln order to make room

for the magnificent...




Bolt shopping mall...



we're going to have to tear down

a nursing home for the aged.






Well, at present, there are     

very old people living there...



and we understand that

most of them are invalids...



who are bedridden and dying.






lt wouldn't look good

in the papers.



Ah, l get your point.



do it late at night.







l have a little surprise.



Follow me.



-What is this?

-Looks like a slum area.



You are looking

at  .  square miles...



of the most derelict,

dilapidated section...



of Los Angeles.



Right now,

l own half of this property.



The city owns the other half,

but by noon tomorrow...



it will all be mine.



Ow! What is that?



One of those little bums

that live down there.



l suppose you're wondering

why Goddard Bolt...



is prepared to pay

up to $  billion...



to own this worthless

pile of refuse. Am l right?



Well, we would never presume

to question your genius...



for financial wizardry, sir,

but why?






Gentlemen, the ultimate

achievement of my life--



Bolt Center.



lt's absolutely visionary.







Gentlemen, you'll never know...



how much this project

excites me.



Mr. Bolt, you have

a surprise visitor.



-Who is it?

-Vance Crasswell, sir.



Crasswell? damn it!



Thank you. Let's go.



Excuse me.



Am l interrupting?



l'm interrupting.

l'm interrupting.



l should leave. Should l leave?

l'm gonna leave.



Can l come in?



Hello, Vance.

You know my attorneys--



Pritchard, Knowles, Stevens.



The three wise men.

Hiya, fellas. What's going on?



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God! Someone else's idea

of what to do...



with the downtown slum district.



Would you bel--



Why didn't they tell me Goddard

Bolt owned the other half?



l never would have bought it.

no one beats Goddard Bolt...



when it comes to financial

wheeling and dealing.



now, look,

l'm in way over my head here.



l'm sorry to have

wasted your time, gentlemen.



Mr. Bolt...



Can l ask you a question?



Let me buy your half

of the property.



l'll give you $  billion...



 / of the profit

for the next twenty years.




- /.











Vance, why don't you

let me buy you out?



Look at us.



An office

is no place to do business.



l have a much better idea.



now, isn't this better?



At least we can see

what we're dealing with.



OK, final offer.



l want this property.

l want it.



lt just so happens...



l grew up five blocks

from where we're standing.



l'm all right.



Right in the middle

of this godforsaken slum.



lt's been my lifelong dream

to come back and rebuild it.



lt's OK. You can laugh.



l don't expect you

to understand my feelings.



After all,

you're a rich man's son.



You were born into money.



What, are you kidding?

My father left me five million.



lt's nothing.



no, no, no. nothing is nothing!



These people down here

have nothing. Zero!



Look, l don't want

to hurt your feelings.



You couldn't survive

ten minutes down here.



don't be ridiculous.

l would survive anywhere.



Right. Without your money

and your credit cards?






Without identifying yourself

to anyone as Goddard Bolt?






For a modest period of time--



l don't know, let's say,

thirty days?






lt's a bet.




What are you talking about?



Well, what you just said--that

you could survive down here...



without using any

of your resources for    days.



lf you do it, you get

my half of the property.



You don't do it,

l'm gonna get yours.



l'm sorry.

Wasn't that the bet?



You conniving son of a bitch.






lt's a bet.



You've underestimated me, Vance.

l can do it.



You can't do it!

You'll never make it!



This is insane. This is crazy.

You'll never survive.



Pritchard, be quiet.

Fergueson, go on.



Thank you. lf you leave

the prescribed slum area...



or try to remove this

ankle alarm, it will go off...



and if we receive

a sustained alarm signal...



for more than thirty seconds,

you'll forfeit the bet.



After thirty days, the alarm

will automatically deactivate.



Are these conditions understood?






-And we have your word on that?

-Yes. You have my word on it.



Pritchard, l'm giving

you and your partners...



my power of attorney.



l'm trusting you to look

after all my legal affairs...



for the next thirty days.



Take it. Take it all.

l won't need anything.



And you won't need this either.



What are you doing?



l have to make sure

no one recognizes you.



That was stitched in.



Give me a comb.



l don't think you realize

what you're getting into.



You've never slept

in the street before.



You've never eaten

out of garbage cans.



You're used

to a hearty breakfast.



This is ludicrous. Look at you

without your toupee.



You look like somebody

who only makes $      a year.



Mr. Bolt, please don't do this.



Let me suggest

you wait twenty-four hours.



-At least sleep on it.

-l've given my word.



do you want me

to go back on my word?



-Would you go back on your word?

-Certainly. We're lawyers.



Give me that contract.



OK, Goddard, here we are.



Come on.



now, in thirty days,

at the exact moment of sunset...



all of this property

is gonna be yours or mine.



Either way, l think we should

have a big party at my house.



-Let's make it at my house.

-OK, your house.



For the look.




-Let's get out of here.






Excuse me.



Two fifty a night.

Checkout--eleven a.m.



You pay in advance.



May l see the room first?



Right behind me, through

those curtains. Take a look.



lt's rather crowded, isn't it?




We get good word of mouth.



do you have a single room?



With or without a jacuzzi?



Look, l got one bed left.



You want it or not?

Make up your mind.



l'll take it.



OK. Sign the register.



-What was that? A roach?

-no. A mouse. Just a baby.



Look, it's two-fifty in advance.






Could we have a private

conversation just entre nous?



All right. Listen,

l'm not really a derelict.



l'm down here on a wager.

l happen to be...



one of the richest men in

the country, if not the richest.



The richest?



Yes, and if you give me

a bed tonight...



at the end of this month,

l will give you $     .



All right, l'll up the ante.



$     .



now you're talking.




Look, l'll give you a break.



l don't need

the whole       tonight...



but if you give me $ .  

as a down payment...



the bed is yours.




get the hell out of here.



Who is it?



Please let me in.

l need shelter.



l'm sorry.

We're closed, my son.



But l haven't eaten all day.

l need food.



We'll be open

in the morning, my son.



You don't understand.



l don't have a place to sleep.

l'm tired--very tired. Very.



Please, please let me in.



now listen!

You're waking everybody up!



now you get out of here,

or l'll call the police!



My son.



Oh, my God.







-Jeez! You scared me!



l didn't know

anybody was under there.



l always go here.



l thought l saw someone...



but then l thought it was

a frigment of my imagination.



Why don't you look first?



Yeah, you're right.

You're right. Sorry.



You almost hit me.

That's disgusting.



lt is?



Yes, it is! Why don't you

use a handkerchief?




l ain't got a handkerchief.



l don't think

l ever had a handkerchief.



Here, take this.



Gee, thanks. nobody down here

ever gives you nothing.



You're all right.



What are you doing?



-''P-e-p-t-o. Pepto.''




lt's hard to read backwards,

but that's what it says.



You must have slept

on a Pepto-Bismol box.







-don't rub it off. lt's nice.



lt's a nice name, Pepto.

l'm Sailor.



Everybody calls me Sailor

'cause l was nearly in the navy.



That's nice.



They wouldn't take me 'cause

they said l had pleurilsy.



Very nice meeting you.




-Bye-bye. nice to see you.



-l just gave you a handkerchief.

-Yeah, but it's got initials.



You can't blow snot in initials.



-See you.

-Yeah. See you.



Excuse me. l wonder...



could you tell me where

l could get something to eat?



don't ask me. l don't know where

my next meal's coming from.



Get the hell out of here!

l told all you goddamn bums!



l don't want you

hanging around here!



You gonna make it look

like a low-class place!



Give to a poor blind man.



Man, don't even think about it.



Good morning, sir.



Get away from my car!

What are you doing?



Just cleaning

your windshield, sir.



Cleaning my windshield?

You made it worse.



-There. That better?

-Oh, wonderful.



-Can l have a dollar, please?

-Get away! The light is green.



My hand! Wait! Wait! l'm caught!



Wait! Stop! Forget the dollar!



A penny.



-Excuse me.

-What do you want?



-l want to get past.

-You want to get past?



He wants to get past.



Get past.



Come on, get past, get past.



Hurry! Get his shoes!



-Hey! What the--

-Get his shoes.



He's kicking. Choke him.



Help! Help! Help!



You no-good scumbags!



You stay away from here!



Those dirty bastards!



Thank you.



l didn't do that for you.

Those pigs invaded my territory.



l'm very territorial.



Yeah, l noticed that.



Gee, they would have killed me

just for my shoes.



They're animals!



They tried that on me

when l first came down here.



They jumped me.



Ha! Big mistake.



nobody messes with Molly.



l grabbed that big guy,

Mean Victor, by the apricots...



and l twisted, and l twisted,

and l twisted.



-Know what l mean?

-l do. l know what you mean.



Good. This is my place.



l live alone.



-You still here?

-l don't have any shoes.



Who are you? What are you doin'

down here anyway?



lt's complicated.



don't tell me.

l don't want to know.



-What are you, about a     /  d?

-Yes, exactly.



Yes! l'm never wrong.

Come here. Come here.



Stop looking over my shoulder.

Sit down!



not--are you stupid?

That's the bedroom.



Sit in the den.



The den.



Excuse me.

Just where would the den be?



You're in it. Sit.






Tens. Close enough.



Here we go.







Oh, nothing, nothing.

They're fine. They're just fine.



Thank you. Thank you.



now, look, l got work to do.




Excuse me, would there be

a place around here...



that l could get

something to eat?



Yeah. Going through the garbage

or going to the mission.



Where would l find the mission?



Hey, what do l look like,

a tour guide?



l'll find it myself.



You're never gonna find it.



You're going

in the wrong direction.



He's hopeless.



Wait. Let me cover my cans.



l'm going there myself.

l'll show you.



l saved your life.

l saved your feet.



This is your last help.



This means a lot to us.

God bless you.



Could l have a little more?



Just one more.



Thank you.



Hey, Pepto!




-Yeah, that's me.



Come sit with us. Over here.



Come on. There are

two empty seats over there.



Hey, Pepto, l see you met Molly.

Hi, Molly. How you doing?



-You two know each other?

-Oh, yeah. We're old pals.



l relieved myself on him

this mistake.



See? Still unused.



Pepto, l'd like you

to say hello to my friend Fumes.






Man, oh, man! Stewed stew.



-You get it?

-l get it.



l'm gonna get some bread.

Anybody want anything?



-Yeah. Get me some whole wheat.

-All right, baby.



Excuse me.

l hate to be so impulsive...



but you have a little bit

of corn right on your cheek.



Oh, thanks. ls it gone?



no, you've moved it up

to your cheekbone.



ls it gone?



lt's right in the bridge

of your nose now.



did l get it?



Yeah, you got it.



Here you go, Molly. All right.



Hey, man.



You got a piece of corn

on your face.



Anybody finished here?



-l am.

-Thank you.



Thanks, Pops.



Pops ain't gonna be around long.



-His elevens are up.




His elevens.

Look at the back of his neck.



See them two cords sticking out?

They make like an eleven.



Once they're up, that's it.

He's a goner.



Oh, boy.



Maybe he'll come back in

the world as something better.



Personally, when l die,

l'd like to come back as a bird.






Because, man,

l could fly free and easy...



and if l saw someone

l really didn't care for...



l'd drop a hot one on 'em.



When l die,

l want to be excremated...



and l want my ashes sprinkled

in the old Briny.



At least l'd be part of the sea

forever and ever.



Oh, that's beautiful, man.




When l die, l want to go

just like my daddy--boom...



peaceful, in his sleep.



They told me my grandmother died

peacefully in her sleep.



lt's a good way to go.



nobody dies peacefully

in their sleep.



That's what they tell people

to make them feel good.



You want to know how people

really die in their sleep?



First, they go to bed.



Then about  :   in the morning

they go...



Get a doctor.



l ain't never

goin' to sleep again.



l have to make some money.



How can l make some money

down here?



Why don't you do

what they all do?







Beg. l tried that, but l'm not

really proficient in that yet.



Bye-bye, children. l love you.

Have a safe trip.



And remember, this is

a new start. no drinking!



And no drugs!



And above all, no infidelity!



Shut up!

l didn't say that much.



Take it easy.



Can you believe that in

the middle of all this filth...



two lost souls could find

some small shred of happiness?



Happiness? What a crock.



See you after the honeymoon.



Lady! You got a job,

you keep it!



don't make my mistake.



You had a job?



A job?



l had a career.



l was a dancer,

and a good one...



before l gave it up

when l got married!



You were married?



Oh, you bet l was married.



l was married to Tom--

Tom Terrific.



Sure, Tom.

Anything you want, Tom.



You want it now, Tom?



Oh, sure, Tom. Go ahead, Tom.




Finished already, Tom?



no, l don't mind, Tom.



Where you going, Tom?



You wash up, Tom.

l'll finish by myself, Tom!



Where did you go, Tom?



You didn't leave a note, Tom.



l'm all alone here, Tom.



You left me all the bills, Tom.



They're taking away the house.



Tom, l don't have a job, Tom!



l'm in a lot of trouble.



So, after Tom ran out...



l realized l had to adjust

my entire lifestyle.



l created this whole

new mental attitude.



lt's called a nervous breakdown.

l cried a lot. l screamed a lot.



l was hysterical

morning, noon, and night.



l was like this--



Help me! Somebody help me!



Get the picture?



l got it. Yes, l got it.

l think the whole block got it.



So, l've been in this

nervous breakdown...



for about eight years.



And you know something?

l like it.



l walk when l want,

l sit down when l want...



l cry when l want,

l laugh when l want.



l pick my own hours.



Sounds a little...



Crazy? There's nothing wrong

with crazy.



Crazy's good.

Crazy keeps them away.



So what's your story?

You ever been married?



Yes, l tried it once.

didn't work out.



She said l spent all my time

making money.



That was time well spent.



Wet it down. All over. All over.



So it burns up nice.



Oh, this is gonna burn big!

Big stuff here, Victor!



Yeah, get it. That's it.

l wish l had some marshmallows!



-Light it.




-Light it!

-Light it!



Light it. Oh, Victor,

this is going to be so good.



Oh, yeah. Yeah! Just look at it.



Burn, burn. Yes, yes!



Yeah! Look at it!

Look at it! l love fire!



-She won't fool with us no more.

-We should go now, Victor.



What was that all about?



Hey, it's my place!



My stuff!



Shall l call

the fire department?




lt's just a bunch of junk.



l'm gonna get those bastards.



Come over here. l want you

to get Mean Victor and Yo...



and get them to chase you down

here to this Chinese restaurant.







Then l want you

to run through this door...



and lock it behind you.



now, if you lock it,

you're safe.



We'll do the rest.



Can you do this?



May l propose an alternative?




-Why don't we sue?



You may be

the weak link in this.



You know what to do

when you get to the kitchen.



Weak link.



l'm addressing

the two degenerates...



who call themselves

Victor and Yo.



You rob and exploit the helpless

for your own profit and gain...



and use the spoils

of your activities...



to buy and sell

illegal narcotics.



Therefore, l am making

a citizen's arrest.



Citizen's arrest.



And you won't

be needing this anymore.



Get him! Get him!



You have the right

to remain silent.



Anything you say

can and will be used...



against you in a court of law.



God damn it!



Thank God!



Wait a minute.



don't pour! Wait till

they're right under us.



All right. l admit it.

l have a very weak case.



You'll be happy to know

l'm dropping the charges.



Oh, shit!



l'm out of bounds.



-What's that noise?

-l don't know.



lt stopped.



What's he doing?

He's coming back again?



He's the bravest man

l've ever seen.



l'm not mad. l just want

to put my foot up here.



Yeah, that's good. That's good.



Pepto, get out of the way!






Oh, it's hot!



They won't come around here




l hope so.




they really did a job on you.



Man, you throw a mean face.



Well, according to this,

his ankle alarm went off...



at  :   for      /  seconds.



Well, let's just say    seconds.

Then we'd win.



But his lawyers get a copy

of the same readout, sir.



does anybody know why he stepped

out of bounds...



for      /  seconds?



Well, our surveillance tell us

that he was attacked...



by some vicious

derelicts, sir...



and, l might add,

was severely beaten.



-He almost, uh--

-He almost what?






My God! died?



l don't want to be responsible

for his death.



You think there's any chance

that could happen?



Well, it is possible.



He is living in the streets,

and there's so much danger...



down there, you never know

what could happen.



We'll keep you posted,

Mr. Crasswell.



Yes, thank you.






l never thought

he could actually die.



That would be so tragic.



There. This will help.



What is that?



lt's some stuff Fumes drinks.



lt'll kill anything

except Fumes.



He's germ-proof.

Germs wouldn't live in him.



l'm being invaded by one.



dead germ.



Looks like it's going to rain.

l don't like the rain.



We can sleep in this box.

do you got a place to sleep?



no. As a matter of fact,

we don't.



There's boxes over there.

Come on, let's get 'em one.



Here's a good one.



now, this is my side,

this is your side...



and this is a World War ll

army-navy surplus store bayonet.



This will remind us

of our boundaries, OK?



l assure you l have no intention

of coming near you...



or touching you or in any way

violating your person.



Oh, please. l've heard

those same fancy words...



from other guys

just before they jump you.



Good night.



Look, l don't mean to be harsh.

lt's just that you're a man...



and men are no good.



-l can do it.

-do what?



Oh, nothing. nothing.

Good night. Good night.



lt's raining.



l love the rain.



lt washes all the filth

out of the city.



Speaking of filth...



where would Goddard Bolt go

on a night like this?



Well, if it were very bad,

he'd go to the mission...



with the other derelicts.



lt's a shame--

it's a rotten shame--



that these people

have to live like this...



always on the edge

of uncertainty.



Any chance of getting

that mission closed tonight?



-Very good idea, sir.

-Thank you.



lt's coming down harder.



What the heck's going on?



We're getting flooded out.

Come on. Come on, let's go.



Oh, man!



Look out, Sailor.



Well, there goes

the neighborhood.



Oh, this is bad.



The rain always

kicks up my cough.



We'd better get to the mission.



Look out.



Open the door.



Open up in there!

We're getting wet!



lt's locked. lt's locked!



lt's locked.



Why would they lock the mission

on a night like this?



Hey, Fumes. l really feel lousy.



Tell me the truth. Take a look.

Are my elevens up?



no, man, no. God damn it,

let me go to sleep.



Oh, that's good. That's good.

l'm gonna go down to the clinic.



Maybe they can

give me something.



See ya.



Hey, Sailor?



Hey, y'all. Hey, hey.

Wake up. Wake up.



-Have you seen Sailor?




He looked like shit last night.

Maybe l oughta go look for him.



OK. Look, we'll all go

look for him. Come on.



You go up there.

You go down there.



-Go up there?

-Yeah. Go on, go on.



That guy is dead.

He's blocking my place.



You know him,

get him out of here.



All right, OK. All right.

The show is over, all right?



Come on, you're blocking

the place here.



What's the matter?

You never seen a stiff before?



Go on. Beat it, all right?



-What do you got?

-He's gone.



-He's been dead a long time.

-Better call the coroner.



nah. They got too many

d.O.A.s already.



Let's just take him

to the morgue.



You call this an ocean?



Well, sooner or later,

it all goes to the ocean.



Why are we doing this?



We're doing this because

Sailor wanted his ashes...



sprinkled in the old Briny.



He's so light.



-How much did he weigh?

-     maybe      pounds.



Must have been mostly moisture.



ls that the best you could do?

A shoe box?



We're lucky to get it.

Let's face it--



they put the rich in an urn,



and they put the poor in

a cardboard box, like takeout.



Well, go ahead.



Oh, man, here. You do it.

You talk the best.



Sailor, wherever you are...



He's in there.



l know.



Sailor, you were a little man...



often covered

with dirt and filth...



and the last thing

that you ate....



but your heart

was always good and clean...



and l hope you get

your final wish...



and your ashes make it

out to sea.



Good luck.



So long, Sailor.

Bye, Sailor.



All the best.



-Bye, Sailor.

-God bless you, Sailor.



Rest in peace, Sailor.



Excuse me.



l'm sorry. Am l interrupting?



l'm interrupting, aren't l?

Yeah, l should go.



l should go,

because this is wrong.



lt's stupid. lt's wrong.



lt's morally

and ethically wrong...



for me to even be here,

isn't it?



Because we all know

that your client...



only has two days to go

to win the bet.



Looks like he's going to win it.

Therefore, l have no business...



even being here, do l?



l'm just gonna put it simply,




Would you consider...



betraying the man for whom

you've worked ten years...



in exchange for--

how do you say this--



just a shitload of money?



l made it.



l can't believe it. l made it.



My last day.



no more filthy clothes,

no more eating garbage...



no more sleeping in the cold.



Thank you. Thank you, God.



l'm sorry l didn't believe

in you when l was rich.



l did it! l did it!



Where did he do it?

not around here, l hope.



Molly! Molly! Molly!

Champagne! Champagne!



-l stole it.




lt's OK. l left

an l.O.U. for $  ,   .



Here. Here. Help me celebrate.



Celebrate what?



-l won the bet.

-What bet?



The bet! The bet!



When you find out about it

it's going to make you...



the happiest person

in the world. Here.



-Here's to happy.

-no, no. l don't like happy.



Happy's no good.

Happy doesn't last.



l like depressed. depressed

stays with you for a while.



OK. Here's to depressed.



OK. l'll drink to that.



This is good.



lt's raining!

Come on. Let's get inside.



Run inside. Go in that door.



Watch the step.

l've got to dump my stuff.



Careful. Let me get the lights.



-Good. lt's empty.




Hey! What are you trying to do,

get me drunk?



Yeah. How am l doing?



doing good.



l love that song.

That's my favorite song.



-dance with me. Come on.




Come on.

You said you were a dancer.



l don't dance.

That was a long time ago.



This is the greatest night

of my life.



Help me celebrate.

l won the bet!



The bet! The bet!






Well...OK. All right,

let me lighten up.



Oh, please.



Hurry, hurry.



l am.



l want you. l want you.



Where are you?



-Faster, faster.

-l'm going as fast as l can.



You're beautiful.



My God! Two buses to get here!

Used up all my change.



This is crazy.

We're gonna get busted.



don't worry.

Everything is all right.



That's my house.

Everything in it is mine.



You hear that music?

You hear that laughter?



lt's a celebration in my honor.

l won the bet.



Again with this bet!



Listen, just come in with me...



and everything will be

wonderfully clear. Come on!



All right.

l'm gonna go with you...



but if anything happens,

we're gonna grab what we can...



and run for our lives!



Run for our lives! Come on!



Oh, you are something!



Wait till you see it.

Wait till you see it.



don't worry. This is my house!



There it is--home.



-Come on!

-no! Pepto, no!



Come on! lt's all right!



Well, l did it.






Oh, my God.

lt's such a relief to see you.



What happened to you?

You look like a vagrant.



Of course l look like a vagrant.

That was our bet.






-What bet?

-What bet?



Anybody here know

what he's talking about?



does anybody know anything

about this bet?









Knowles, Stevens.

What the hell's going on?



Show him the contract.

Show him the bet.



What's going on here?

Why are you letting this happen?



You're all in on it.



Ten years.

You've been with me ten years.



How could you turn on me?



Where's your sense of loyalty,

honesty, decency?



Mr. Bolt, we're lawyers.



Wait a minute.

This is still my house!



l want everybody out!

do you hear me? Out!



Yeah! Yeah, you heard him!

Get out of here!



Please. Stay where you are.

Thank you.



l'm sorry. You got it all wrong.

This isn't your house anymore.



l'm afraid you've been declared

non compos mentis.



You see,

when you lost your mind...



you lost everything.



When you gave us

power of attorney...



we did what was best

for everyone.



l bought this house

at a public auction.



l just couldn't stand

the thought...



of strangers living here.



l've been living in garbage...



with rats...



for a month...



and now l have nothing?




not even my house?!



Well, you're not getting these!

no. They're by Cellini.



l bought them. l bought them

from the Vatican.



l got a good price.



My Van Gogh!



Come on, dr. Gachet.

We're leaving!



My wine! Hey!



Chateau Lafite!






My tapestry!



l'm not leaving without

my ''Rape of the Sabine Women.''



All right, now, Goddard, stop.

Please, stop. This is pathetic.



-Get out of my way.

-Fine, fine.



Yeah! And we'll be back

for the rest later!



Hey, hey! Let go!



l've got her!



no! My Van Gogh!



This is pathetic, isn't it?









l'm not Pepto!



First thing l gotta do is make

a list of everything l had--



cash, stocks,

bonds, investments...



real estate, foreign holdings.



l can get it back.

l can get it all back.



l gotta make some calls,

reestablish my line of credit.



That's all l have to do.

They'll take my calls.



Why shouldn't they

take my calls? l'm Goddard Bolt.



l was the richest man

in the world! The richest!



Shut up!



-Shut up!

-Who are you?



l'm J. Paul Getty! l was

the richest man in the world!



You don't see me ranting

and raving about it, do you?



-no! l took my losses!

-What losses?



during the crash,

the clash, the smash!



Listen to me.

You're not J. Paul Getty.



You are a pathetic,

broken-minded little bum.



ln your mind, you think you're

J. Paul Getty, but you're not.



Whilst l, on the other hand,

am Goddard Bolt...



a genuine financial giant.



So am l.



-You're not.

-l am.



-Wait. Come with me.

-Where are we going?



Over here. Let's talk.



now, look. Let's be reasonable.



There's an enormous difference

between us.



Even though in your twisted mind

you think you're rich...



you're really not.



On the other hand, because of

my serious understanding...



of the world of finance,

l have amassed $ .  billion!



And l have amassed  . .



-You didn't.

-l did.









Wait a minute.

Let me show you something.







-Look, l don't want to hurt you.

-You don't?



no. lt's just that

it's important to me...



that you understand.



l guess it doesn't make

any difference who's richer.



Well, forget about it.



Oh, God, thanks...



'cause l'm really richer,

but l don't--



What's the matter with you?

You're gonna kill this man!



l'm sorry. l'm very sorry.



lt was a temporary loss

of sanity. l'm fine now.



Please forgive me.

l don't know why l did that.



l'm so sorry. Please.

l meant no harm. lt was just--



Let me apologize. l apologize.



Sorry. l'm sorry.

Good day. Good day.



-Are you all right?




But whatever you do, don't ever

argue money with that man.



Why did he attack you?



l don't know.

Maybe it's because l'm richer.



l don't want to hurt you!



l'll get him! l'll kill him!



-You OK?

-l'm OK now that he's gone.



He's coming back!



l'm richer. l'm richer.

l'm richer!



That man is crazy!



Why do they allow these people

to walk the streets?



They ought to help these people!



l made a bet.

l just made a bet.



We were just betting.

Just a little bet.



l mean, just 'cause

you make a bet...



doesn't mean that you have

to lose all your money!



l can get it all back.

l was a financial genius.



One and one is two.

Two and two is four.



Four and four is three.

l still got it!






Everybody's wearing white.

We must be at a wedding.



We're at a wedding.

We didn't bring anything.



We have to bring something.



My car was white.

l had a white Rolls-Royce.



Pull over. Let's get

something to eat, huh?






What do you mean? l've gotta

get this man into emergency.



This ward is full!

We have reached capacity!



Oh, my God.

We've reached capacity.




Get me out of the market.



-dump my pork bellies!

-Put him over here!



lt's all going bad.

lt's no good.



l don't have my money.



l don't want to live

without my money!



l don't want to live!



Life stinks.



Yeah, he's right.



Life stinks!



What is going on here?



Life stinks!



Give this man     milligrams

of dorazine immediately!



-Five hundred?

-Yes. He needs it.



Life stinks.



Hey, that's my wheelchair.



l need this for my patient.



Yo, buddy, help me get this guy

out of this chair.







This man is delirious. Give him

    milligrams of dorazine.



-Five hundred?

-He needs it.



dr. Kahahn,

this man has the dTs.



He'll be fine.



But just in case, give him

    milligrams of dorazine.



-Five hundred, doctor?

-He needs it.



Yes, doctor.



Well, here's a new one.

What do we have here?



Have l given this patient

any penicillin or antibiotics?



no, doctor.



Then give him five hundred

milligrams of dorazine.



-Five hundred?

-Yes. l'm a doctor.



-l know what l'm doing.

-dr. Kahahn.



l'm coming! Am l the only doctor

in this hospital?



dr. Kahahn, funeral chapel,

line three one four.



dr. Kahahn! This patient

is cyanotic. He's turning blue.



This man's been overmedicated.

Take him to l.C.U. immediately.



Yes, doctor.

Give me a hand, please.



How does a thing

like this happen?






l know you want to give up,

but you're wrong.



Even without money,

life is good.



no? What about when

you didn't eat for two days...



and then you had your

first big meal at the mission?



Wasn't that good?



Remember the other night...



when we drank champagne

and danced...



and rolled around in rags?



l know they're only moments...



but that's all life is...



just a bunch of moments.



Most of them are lousy...



but once in a while,

you steal a good one.



Come on.



Come on back to me.



don't be such a selfish bastard.



You're the only person

l can stand.



don't leave me.



l love you.



Please, don't leave me.






You're crying.



What happened?



Somebody die?



Somebody lived.



Ladies and gentlemen, this is

the greatest day of my life.



This is the moment l dreamed of

ever since l grew up...



on these poverty-ridden streets

as a poor, hungry child.



l'm all right.



Where else but in America...



could a poor, deprived boy from

this very same neighborhood...



return one day to destroy it?



lt's good to be alive!



There are so many things

you can't do when you're dead.



-Remember what you said?




What you said in the hospital.






That you love me.



lt's words, just words.

''Love'' is just another word.



You meant it.



Let the demolition begin.







And now, ladies and gentlemen,

to celebrate and cut the dust...



l salute you with the finest

champagne money can buy.



What's that?



Oh, man!

You should see them over there.



The big shots are having

a party in our neighborhood...



and we ain't invited.

l feel slighted.



l mean, they got all types

of food and champagne.



lt's so big,

they're putting it on TV.



Come on, Pepto. Hurry up.



We gotta find a new place

before the good ones are taken.



no! no more running!



They forced me

to live in the crap...



and now they want

to take the crap away? no!



What do you mean, ''no''?



Here's what l mean.






Wait! Stop!

don't go! don't give up!



This is America!



Every person has a right

to have a place to live!



Come! Join me!



Let's fight for our rights!

Let's take our homes back!



Follow me!



Wait! There's a party

back there.



-Free food for everyone!

-And booze.



Stop! Wait! Listen to me!



Wait! Stop!



lf we run now,

we'll always be running.



lt's got to stop somewhere.



They've got TV news cameras

down there.



Let's show the world

what they're doing to us.



Come on!



The nicest neighborhood.



Shall we dance?



-do you come here often?

-Oh, my God!



l've never seen anything

like this before.



Hey! Just a minute!



How dare you break in like this!



Who do you people think you are?



Get out of here!



l'm talking to you.



Turn around, you idiot!



do you hear me?



Are you crazy?



do you know who l am?



do you have any idea

who you're dealing with?



You are in serious trouble,

my friend.



You are trespassing

on private property.



l can throw you in jail!

l can have you arrested!



You will lose

your voting privilege!



Have you ever been in jail?



-Mmm! Chicken!

-How dare you!



Oh, boy!



When my husband divorced me,

l thought my life was over.



lt's just beginning.



Hey, Willy, listen.






...ceremony has erupted

into pandemonium.



As of yet, l'm not exactly sure

what's happening.



This is Fumes

reporting from downtown...



and l'll tell you

what's happening.



The rich and famous are having

a party in our neighborhood...



and we fucked it up.

Back to you.



ls this going out live?

Are we live? Oh, jeez!



My legs!

You've cut off my legs!



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God! Look what l've done!



Get me a doctor!

Get me an ambulance!



Look what you've done!

Look at my legs!



Stay right here!

l'll be right back.



This party has disintegrated

into utter chaos.



There are bums eating

pate de foie gras.



My God!

That's Goddard Bolt!



He's not the only one who can

run one of those damn machines.



no comment.






We had a bet, remember?



Maybe this

will jar your memory!



Jarred! Jarred!

Yes, my memory is jarred!



Yes! Yes! l can remember.

lt's all coming back to me now.



You won the bet.



lt's all coming back to me.



You won the bet,

and l lost the bet...



and this is all yours

because l don't want this.



l'll be fine when l get down.



l'll be a gentleman.

Just let me down.



That was two weeks ago.




in an extraordinary decision...



Judge Reynolds

ruled from the bench...



in the Bolt vs. Crasswell




and it was a day of

total victory for Goddard Bolt.



Bolt has announced

he intends to clean up...



the slum area he now owns

and allow it to remain...



for the homeless who live there.



He plans to build a large park,

no-cost housing...



and a new free medical

and counseling clinic...



for the destitute of the area.



And, believe it or not,

at this very moment...



Goddard Bolt is actually

marrying the bag lady...



he met while living

on the streets.



We don't know where

the wedding is taking place...



but with Goddard Bolt's

reputation for extravagance...



it must be at a very chic,

elegant, and exclusive location.



Too fast, you jackass!



-Thanks for standing up for me.

-l'll miss you, buddy.



Good-bye, everybody.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.






Bye! Good luck, God bless!



Bye, children, and may the Lord

bless your union.



And have a wonderful honeymoon.



Hey, stop that!



What are you doing?



You may not know this, but these

cans are worth a lot of money.



Get in that car.



What do you think you're doing?

That's my car!



l paid good money for that car!



l must've left the keys

in there!



Hey, wait a minute! Stop!



What kind of a neighborhood

is this? There's no cop around!



Somebody call      !



Quick! Hold it!



Hold it! Somebody stop him!



Where's a cop?

Where's my--



-Will you leave me alone?!

-lt's him!



Get out of my life!



l'll kill you!



He's crazy! That guy's crazy!



l'll get you!


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