Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels Script





Three card brag

is a simple form of poker.



You get three cards only.



And these you can't change.



If you don't look at them,

you're a blind man,



you only put in half the stake.



Three of any kind

is the highest,



but the odds are    - 

against getting any three.



Then there's a running flush,

all the same suit, all in order,



then a straight

and a flush and a pair,



and finally, whatever

the highest card you've got.



Now, there are some telltale

signs that can help,



but they took me long enough

to learn so I'm not telling you.



They can only help a player,

not make one.



So, d'you wanna play?



Let's sort the buyers

from the spiers



and those who trust me

from the ones who don't.



If you can't see value here,



you're not shopping,

you're shoplifting.



You see these goods?

Never seen daylight, moonlight,




Fanny by the gaslight.



Take a bag, come on.

I took one home last night -



cost more than ten pound,

I can tell you.



Anyone like jewellery?

Look at that one.



Hand-made in Italy,

hand-stolen in Stepney.



It's as long as my arm,

not like something else.



Don't think 'cause these boxes

are sealed, they're empty.



 nly the undertaker

sells empty boxes.



By the look of you lot, I'd make

more money with my tape-measure.



Here, one price, ten pound.



- Did you say ten pound?

- Are you deaf?



Bargain. I'll take one.



Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg.



They call it walking.



You want one, darling?

That's it, they're waking up.



Treat the wife -

treat somebody else's wife.



It's more fun

if you don't get caught.



You want one?

Show me a bit of life, then.



It's no good standing

like one o'clock half struck.



These are not stolen -

they're just not paid for.



Can't get 'em again,

they've changed the locks.



Can't come back -

I'll have sold out.



[Punter] Nice bit of stuff.



"Too late" will be the cry

when the bargains pass you by.



If you've no money on you,



you'll cry tears

big as  ctober cabbages.



Bacon, cozzers!



# So I said I'm on the roam

So I need a car



# And I know

that I'm getting alive



# And I say I got faith

in a season #



'Ed can hustle

a few quid here and there.



'But his real talent

lies in cards -



'and gambling with cards.



'Bacon could see that his days



'of selling moody goods

on street corners are numbered.



'It's time to move on

and he knows it.'



- Six foot one, that's perfect.

- You're catching up with me.



What you talking about?

I'm bloody skinny, pal.



'Course you are. All right, Ed?



Nick the Greek, a pleasure.

Tom, what have you eaten?



- I was telling him...

- Enough!



You two, join me in my office.



So how much is it, Tom?



You know how much, Nick.



- And that includes the amp?

- No.



That does not include the amp.



Shit, Tom. I thought

it included the amp.



It doesn't. I'll throw in

one of these telephones,



but it does not include the amp.



Very nice.



I hope it includes the speakers.



It doesn't include

the speakers or the amp.



It's not supposed to include

me getting the hump



with your questions.

You want it, you buy it.



What else do I get?



A gold-plated Rolls Royce,

if you pay for it.



Don't know, Tom.

Seems expensive.



Seems...this seems

to be a waste of my time.



That is     nicker

in any shop,



and you're complaining

about    ?



What school of finance

did you study?



It's a deal, it's a steal.



It's the sale

of the fucking century.



In fact, I'll keep it.



All right, keep your alans on.



Here's a ton.



[Both] Jesus Christ!



You could choke

a dozen donkeys on that.



You're haggling over     pound.



What d'you do when

you're not buying stereos -



finance revolutions?



£    is still £   .



Not when the price is £   .



Not when you've got Liberia's

deficit in your sky rocket.



Tighter than a duck's butt!



Let me feel

the fibre of your fabric.



'The skinny one is Tom.



'He's the entrepreneur

of the bunch.



'He's got

a couple of dirty fingers



'in a couple of dirty pies.



'Nick, however,

has made it his business



'to have all   

fat fingers and toes



'in every dirty, bent

and stolen pie in London.'



'Between them, there ain't much

you can't get hold of.'



That's my    grand.



It took me a long time to earn,

so treat it with respect.



What about the chef?



What've you come as?



Cupid, stupid.



That's the last time

I get fruit off you, Tom.



There was more small armoured

things in it than fruit.



You should open a butchers,

not a grocers.



If you order stuff

from Kathmandu,



don't be surprised

if it picks up a few tourists.



Anyway, enough.

Where's the money?



Keep your fingers

out of my soup!



'Soap is called Soap



'because he keeps his hands

clean of unlawful behaviour.



'He's proud of his job

and more proud it's legal.



'He represents the more

sensible side of the four.'



Are you sure you can afford   ?



It depends

how you look at it.



I can afford it

if I see it again.



Got the rest from

the fat man and Bacon?



Fat man, Bacon and myself.



Looks like it's time

to call Harry.



Who's this fat man, eh?



Sandwich, Bacon?



'It's not easy to take

a seat at this card table.



'The amount of money

has to be     grand upwards



'and there's no shortage

of punters.



'This is the man who decides

whether you can play -



'Harry, or as some,

including himself, like to say,



'Hatchet Harry.'






If you got it, you got it.

Now, if you don't mind...



- What's this Eddie like?

- He's a fucking thief!



'Harry has a colleague,

a monster of a man,



'Barry the Baptist.



'He got his name

by drowning people for Hatchet.



- Fucking pay.

- I'll pay!



'Barry makes sure



'the administrative side of

the business runs harmoniously.'



The boy's got a rare ability.



He seems to make cards

transparent. He's got...



All right,

we can say he's good.



No, he's better than good.

He's a fucking liability.



Hold on, what

do you think of these?



- We're selling hundreds.

- Very nice, Harry.



What's it for?



Don't play innocent,

Bazza. Spanking!



There's    from me,

Tom, Soap and yourself.



    grand to the pound. Why

the fuck are you counting it?



Because I like to.



A reasonable return

should be about     grand.



For    grand invested,

going on experience.



Going on optimism.



Whatever - it'll be enough

to send you on a cooking course.



You're not funny, Tom.

You're fat -



and look as though you

should be, but you're not.



Fat! Who you calling...




It's good here, innit?

Handy for the tube,



great electrics - I can

see why you moved in.



Don't knock it, it's "cheep",

like the budgie.



Nobody wants to live next

to the people we live next to.



- Anti-social to say the least.

- What d'you mean?



He means they're

thieving bastards.



When they're not picking

peanuts out of poop,



they rip off unfortunate souls

of their drugs.



Not exactly thick, these walls.



Nice work, John.

Get yourself a drink.



Is that it?



How many times

do I have to tell you, Plank?



Find a job worth doing, you'll

find your share improving.



Have you got a problem

with that?



# Police and thieves

in the street



# Fighting the nation with their

guns and ammunition #



Charles, this gear

is getting heavier.



I've a suspicion we should have

been rocket scientists or...



Nobel Peace Prize winners...




Peace Prize? Be lucky

to find your penis for a piss -



the amount you smoke.



[Door buzzer]



Who the hell's that?



All right, Willie?



Does it look like I am?

Take this.



I'm in danger of breaking

a sweat any second.



< Charles,

why've we got that cage?






That's right. Security.



What's the point in having it if

we're not gonna fucking use it?



I would've used it, Winston,

but this is Willie.



- And Willie lives here.

- Yes, Charles.



But you didn't know it was

until you opened the door.



Chill, Winston. It's me.



Charlie knows it's me,

what's the problem?



The problem is, Willie,

Charles and yourself



are not the quickest cats

at the best of times.



So do as I say and keep

the fucking cage locked!



- What is that?

- That's Gloria.



I know that's Gloria.

What's that?






You went out six hours ago

to buy a money counter.



You come back with

a semi-conscious Gloria



and a bag of fertiliser.



Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.



We need fertiliser, Winston.



We also need a money counter.



This money's gotta

be out by Thursday.



I'm buggered

if I'm gonna count it.



If you do have to buy

sodding fertiliser,



could you be

a little more subtle?



What do you mean?



We grow copious amounts

of ganja, yeah?






And you're carrying a wasted

girl and a bag of fertiliser.



You don't look your average




That's what I mean, Willie.



# "The Boss"

by James Brown



# Paid the cost to be the boss



# Paid the cost to be the boss



# I paid the cost

to be the boss #



- How long's he been in there?

- About...   minutes.



- Is he on his own?

- Yeah, carrying a bag.



Let's pay him a visit,

shall we?



'Big Chris settles debts

for Harry.



'The only thing he cares

more about than unsettled debts



'is his son and heir,

Little Chris.'



# Look at me



# Know what you see



# See a bad mother #



This is one of them...

high-powered jobs, innit?






I've got some bad news

for you, John.



What the fuck!



Mind your language

in front of the boy.



Jesus Christ!



That includes blasphemy.

Now tell me, John,



how can you concentrate

on improving this tan -



and it is a lovely tan -



when you've got more pressing

priorities at hand?



Tell Harry...



Did I say speak?

And it's Mr Harry to you.



Now, don't disappoint me, choose

your words very carefully.



You may now...






Tell Harry, I mean Mr Harry,



I've been busy,

I'm nearly there.



Check his locker, son.



I don't suppose there's a chance

of you lifting this up, Chris?



He's not poor! He's got

over a monkey in his wallet!



Fuckin' hell, John, you go round

with that in your pocket?



Use language like that again,

you'll wish you hadn't!



Sorry, Dad.



Right. Put the rest

of the stuff in that.



You can go home

in a plastic bag tonight.



You owe what you owe.



By the time this tan's faded

you wanna have paid.



- You never would've paid.

- Who would pay for shit?



Exactly. We had to...



What the hell

are you doing here?



What's up?



Let me guess,

my foot in your arse.



Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?



You're supposed to be

getting your rest in, boy.



You playing cards tonight, son?



With Harry?



Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't

have anything to do with that.



[Harry] Where'd

he get a hundred grand?



He's got adhesive mates -

like brothers.



They've tossed up

between 'em.



And JD, his dad,

owns the whole property?



No mortgage, no debts.



Lock, stock - the fucking lot.



Don't worry, Harry.

I've got it under control.



Good. You can get this

under control now.



It seems Lord Appleton Smythe

has run out of money.



These little beauties

are up for auction.



I'm not paying a quarter

of a million quid for 'em.



If you know what I mean,




Make sure we get everything

from the gun cabinet.



I don't care who you use,



as long as they're not

complete muppets.



And don't tell 'em

what they're worth, Barry.



# "Spooky"

by Dusty Springfield



# In the cool of the evening



# When everything

is getting kinda groovy #



Right, where was we?



[Liverpool accent]

Shotguns...guns that fire shots?



You must be the brains.



That's right,

guns that fire shots.



Make sure you bring everything

from the gun cabinet.



There'll be a load of old guns.

That's all I want.



Everything else outside

the cabinet, you can keep.



Thank you very much.



There'd better

be something there for us.



It's a fucking stately home,



of course there'll

be something there.



- Like what?

- Like fucking antiques.



Antiques! What the fuck

do we know about antiques?



- We rob post offices.

- We steal cars.



What the fuck do we know

about antiques, mate?



If it looks old,

it's worth money - simple.



Stop fucking moaning

and rob the place.



Who's the guv?

Who are we doing this for?



You're doing it for me -

is all you need to know.



You know

because you need to know.



I see.  ne of those

"need to know basis" things.



Like one of those

James Bond films.



Careful, remember

who's giving you this job.



Right, I'm off.

Call me when you're done.



< Ta-da.



Fucking northern monkeys.



I hate these fucking

southern fairies.



'Ed has been playing cards

since he could lift 'em up.



'He soon discovered

he had a big advantage.



'It's not that

he's good at cards,



'or even good at counting them.



'It's that he's good

at reading people's reactions



'no matter how subtle.



'Everybody has reactions.



[Knock at door]



'Especially when

it comes to money.'



# Love is kind of crazy



# With a spooky

little boy like you #



- Invitations.

- Invitations?



Yeah, four pretty white pieces

of paper with your names on.



We got        bits of paper

with the Queen's head on.



Will that do?



Just you. The others can wait

next door in Samoan Jo's.



Samoan Jo's?

You mean the pub? Hold on...



Hold on to your tongue

and I'll hold on to my patience.



No one in here tonight

but card players - no one.



Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.



Bit dramatic, innit?



Is it supposed to be symbolic?



Apparently it's for security.



I'd have brought my gloves

if I'd have known.



You must be Eddy, JD's son.



You must be Harry.

Sorry, didn't know your father.



Never mind, son, you might meet

him if you carry on like that.



Evening, Tanya. Been a while.



All right, Ed.






We call each other Kenny,

 K, Gary?



All right, Kenny.



You gonna put your stocking on?



I spent     quid on my hair -



I'm not pulling a sock over it.



You have to put something on.



Three card brag, gentlemen.



Three  s are highest,

then three aces,



then running down accordingly.



Then it's a running flush,

a run, a flush and then a pair.



An open man can't

see a blind man.



It will cost twice the ante

to see your opponent.



Don't fuck around, fellas.



You know the rules.

You know I won't stand for it.



Can I have three of your most

refreshing drinks, please.



- How comes we end up in here?

- I don't think I mind.



[TV blares]



You got that TV loud enough,




Leave it out, Bacon.

He looks like a loon.



[Clock chimes]



What are you doing?

Put that back.



We're here to rob the guns.



Put it back - it's crap anyway.



Come on.






D'you like that, did you, son?



When my knees stop knocking,

I'll live with it.






Listen, ladies, this is cards.

Men play cards.



If you wanna talk soft,

go to the fucking hairdressers.



So shut it and play.



I'll fold.



    .  pen.



What sort of pub is this?



It's a Samoan pub.



What's that?



It's a cocktail -

you asked for a cocktail.



I asked you to give me

a refreshing drink.



I wasn't expecting

a fucking rainforest.



You could fall in love

with an orangutan in that.



You want a pint, go to the pub.



[Television blaring]



I thought this was a pub.



It's a Samoan pub.



Can you get your man

to turn the TV down?



Ask him if you like.

I'd leave him well alone.



Get rid of that.

Bring us a Diet Coke.



'Scuse me, can you

turn that TV down?















You what?



Two grand blind? You been

eating too much British beef.



You're bonkers. Mad.



[Harry] Well, you gonna play?



Fuckin' right I'm gonna play.



Three grand, dare.



    's an open man.

You know that.



You do know how to play, Donald?



The reason I've only put in half

is I don't know what I've got.



Now, you play or you fold.






No, they also

taught me the word "cunt".






Whoa, whoa, Kenny!



What are you doing?



I am trying to find out

where they keep their money!



You twat. Can't you see

they've got no money?



They can't even afford

new furniture.



We've got the guns.

What's the matter?



Every time we do a job,

you burn people's feet.



What's wrong with you?



You wanna be more careful,

old fella. You nearly took



my man's head off with that.



You all right, Kenny?






Ten grand, blind.



Twenty grand, open.



Deep end, eh?






[Barry] Gotcha!



Twenty grand, open.



I fold.



Don't spend that

all at once, boy.






Bloody 'ell!






You said there'd

be no staff, Barry.



Did you get those guns?



You wanna see

what they did to poor Gary!



Gary, Gary!



I said, did you get those guns?



Yes, we got them!



Good. I'll speak to you later.



Fuckin' scouse cunts.



Gary, if you can hear me,



get back in the car now, mate.



Barry... Barry!



Fucking, sodding,

shandy-drinking bastard!



# "Liar Liar"

by The Castaways



# Liar liar, pants on fire



# Your nose is longer

than a telephone wire



# Been out all night

Know you've been bad



# Don't tell me different

I know it's a lie



# Come to me, honey

See how I cry



# Why must you hurt me?

Do what you do?



# Listen here, girl

Can't you see I love you?



# Make a little effort

Try to be true



# I will be happy

Not so blue



# Liar liar, pants on fire



# Your nose is longer

than a telephone wire



# You keep on

telling me those lies



# Still going out

with other guys #



Give me my money!

You fucking slags!



Give me my money!



Give me back my money!



Give it back!



Wankers! Wankers!



Come on, you. Not now, please.



You fucking bastard!



Fuck...you bastard.



[Barry]  h, my good God!



We'll take you to the cleaners!



Twenty grand open.



Thirty thousand.



Back to you, Ready Eddie.



Fifty grand.



Eighty grand.



 ne hundred grand.



Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, fellas, I know...



I know you're not in,



which means no one cares

what you know.



Two hundred and fifty.



That's quite a raise.



That's one hundred and fifty

on my one hundred.



Yeah. Is there anything else

you want to say?



As you know, this puts us

in an awkward position.



I don't have enough

to continue.



We'll have to see your cards

if no one loans Eddie the money.



It's a loan

or we see both your cards.



I will.



You will what?



I will loan you the money.



No, I think I'd rather

just turn 'em over.



I'm not interested

in what you would rather.



I wanna keep going.



I'm also offering you the money.



We don't have to turn 'em over

because you can borrow.



I need two hundred

and fifty grand.



No, you need five hundred

grand to see me.



That's if I wanna see you.



You're gonna have a problem

carrying on, ain't ya?



I'll see you.



For half a million?



Unless you're gonna

accept twenty quid.



You've still got

a sense of humour.



It's not monkey-nuts, son.

You can still fold.



I'll see you.



 K, before I loan you this,

I expect -



if you lose, of course -



my money back within a week.



Is that it?



Now let's see his fucking cards.



# "I Wanna Be Your Dog"

by The Stooges



# So messed up I want you here



# In my room I want you here



# Now we're gonna be

face to face



# And I'll lay right down

in my favourite place



# And now I wanna be your dog



# And now I wanna be your dog



# And now I wanna be your dog #






# Well, come on! #



Hello, boy.

Feeling a bit poorly?



I know your friends



are responsible

for most of the cash...



so I'm gonna give you

one week to find it.



 therwise I will take a finger



off each of you

and your friends' hands



for every day that passes

without payment.



When you've

run out of digits -



your dad's bar,

and who knows what then.



All right, my son?



# "Why Did You Do It?"

by Stretch



# I've been thinking

about what you have done to me



# The damage is much deeper

than you'll ever see



# Hit me like a hammer

to my head #



This doesn't look good.



'He explained the unfortunate

position they were in.



'Harry would start sizing up

all their fingers in a week.



'He knew there was no way Ed

could settle that debt alone.



'Harry saw it

as their money on the table,



'so it was their debt

off the table.



'Ed could've kissed

the old bastard for that.



'If he said he wanted

to settle the debt on his own,



'it would have been a lie.'



I wish he would've

let me settle it.



- I'm gonna kill him!

- Stop fucking about.



Think about what

we're gonna do. Sit down.



What's all the fuss

about Harry?



Why don't we

boycott the payment?



Let me tell you

about Hatchet Harry.



[Bacon] This geezer, Smithy

Robinson, worked for Harry.



It was rumoured

that he was on the take.



Harry's invited Smithy round

for an explanation.



Smithy didn't

do a very good job.



Within a minute...



Harry's lost his rag.



Reached out for the nearest

thing at hand -



which happened to be

a   -inch black rubber cock.



He then proceeded to batter

poor Smithy to death with it.



That was seen as

a pleasant way to go.



Hence Hatchet Harry

is a man you pay if you owe.



Don't worry,

I'll think of something.



# I've been thinking

about what you have done to me



# Images much deeper

than you'll ever see



# Hit me like

a hammer to my head



# I wonder were you pushed

or were you led?



# Why did you do it?



# Why did you do

that thing to me? #



Golf - the best way

to spoil a good walk.



Winston Churchill said that.



I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.



And I got

bigger teeth than you two.






I think our friend is trying

to tell us something.



 r should I take

another swing to make sure?



Give me a five iron, John.



Certainly, Dog.



Now, keep still.



Is there something

you'd like to tell us?



- The fireplace.

- Shut it, you idiot...



You were saying?



It's in the fireplace.

Pull it out. It's in the bottom.



It's in the fireplace, Frank.



Pull it out. It's in the bottom.



Dog, I think you want

to have a look at this!



You gonna let me down now?



No, I'm not

finished with you yet.






Help! Help!



 h, Dog.



[Television on]



[Door buzzer]



Who the hell's that?

It's only    o'clock.



Use the cage,

that's what it's there for.



Who is it?



We have got security

for a reason, Willie.



Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.



This weed's getting

quite a rep, fellas.









Never saw you there.



Hello, love,

enjoying yourself?



Is she compos?



What do you think?






Fuck me!



Clean that up, Charles.



Sod you, you clean it up.



Sorry, fellas, that stupid cow

scared the life out of me!



Never mind. Can you just

sit down, stay out the way?



How much is it you want?



I'm...after an half weight.



That's     .

Pass the scales, Willie.



Give us some gear, J.



Any chance of actually

seeing the...money?



The odds are    - .



All we need is five grand.



I'd rather put my money

on a three-legged rockin' horse.



Those odds are    -  for a good

reason, Bacon - it won't win!



- Where's Eddie?

- Where do you think?



The bottom of a bottle,

has been for two days.



- It's hit him hard.

- It's hit us all hard!



He's got to tell his dad

he's about to lose his bar.



Listen to this one.



You start a company - "Arse

Ticklers Faggots Fan Club".



- You what?

- Put an advert in a gay mag,



advertising the latest

in arse-intruding dildos.



You sell it with...



"Does what no other

dildo can do until now.



"The latest and greatest

in sexual technology.



"Guaranteed results."

All that bollocks.



These dils cost    quid a pop -



a snip for the pleasure

they'll give the recipients.



They send their cheques

to the other company name.



Not offensive, "Bobby's Bits"

or something, for    quid.



You stick it in the bank

until it clears.



This is the smart bit.



You send back the cheque

for    pound



from the other company name -



"Arse Ticklers Faggots

Fan Club" - saying we're sorry,



we couldn't get supplies from

America - they ran out of stock.



You see how many people

cash that cheque.



Not a single soul.



Who wants their bank manager

to know they tickle arse?



How long do you

have to wait for a return?



< Probably

no more than four weeks.



What good is that if we need it

in six - no, five days?



Well, it's still a good idea.



All right, I got one.



Look, he set us up,



which means he put money in.



Which means

he expects money out.



Don't have to be an economist

to work that out.



He may know we smoke a lot,

burn a bit of profit,



but he can't have any idea



how much hard currency

we've accumulated.



I don't know. Do you know?



We can just...

slice it off the top.



You guys have got

to realise who this chap is.



He might look a bit silly,

but he's a fucking lunatic.



If he gets an inkling we're not

throwing straight dice,



we're gonna know



what the sharp side

of a kebab knife feels like.



Yeah, but we're in this

for the cash however it comes.



[Plank] Well enough - I bought

gear off 'em for years.



- What they like, then?

- Poofs! Nothing heavy.



Four public school boys,

soft as shite.



And you keep all the money.



I've heard some

stupid fuckin' ideas



but yours makes

Bacon's sound inspired.



[Plank] They ponce around

in hippy clothes all day



talking bollocks - they're

just good at growing weed.



Business got bigger

than what they can handle.



[Dog] They can't all be stupid.



They got a container load

of cash in shoe boxes,



they sell class A gear -



someone sensible

must be involved.



What about security?




There's a gate they never lock.



What d'you mean never lock?

Why've they got it, then?



I must've been there    times -

it's never locked.



They're not suspicious. Everyone

that goes there's a toff.



They're into that karma crap -



"I don't harm nobody,

nobody harms me."



No way they can get back to you?



They'd be too scared -

I'm a geezer.



Got no muscle - gutless faggots.



Fancy one?



If you're so fuckin' clever,



why don't you come up

with a suggestion?



Look, I'm thinking, all right?

I am thinking.



We're gonna be here

all night, then.



Is Big Chris on his way?



He should be here any minute.



I think you're making

a big mistake, Harry.



That is a lot of money

for Chris to be after.



Who the fuck are you

to question my judgement?



What d'you know

about Big Chris, eh?



Put Big Chris on a job and he

will get it done no matter what.



His dad used to collect debts,

and his dad before that.



And that monster of a boy will

after he's gone.



'The Almighty himself



'requested them

to collect debts for eternity,



'and not to fear knockin'

on  ld Nick's door himself



'if he was behind

on his payment.



'And he's never nicked

a nicker in his life.'



Straight as an arrow and strong

as the bow that fired it.



If you dropped a tenner,

he'd search till he found you.



'There is a problem,

he isn't stable.



'Heaven protect anybody

who touches that boy.



'Not that that boy

needs protecting.'



What's all the flapping?

You told the old man yet?



Hoping I won't need to.



I've got a plan.

Listen carefully.



- Hello, boys.

- Harry.



Do you want a drink?



Hello, my son.

D'you want a lolly?



Piss off, you nonce.



 i, watch it!



No, thanks, Harry.

We're both all right.



Nice shooter.



 ne of a pair -

Holland and Holland.



D'you wanna hold it?



Not my thing, thanks, Harry.



Business good?

I imagine that's why I'm here.



Four young fellas got in deeper

than they could handle.



They owe me

half a million pound.



- How much?

- Half a million.



Well, what d'you

want us to do about it?



Hit the fuckers.



I know it sounds a bit strong,



but it's not as if

we're doing anything illegal.



I dunno how you

reached that conclusion.



They can't report they've had

their drugs and money nicked.



- How heavy are they?

- Don't look all that.



Hitler didn't look all that.



All right, but we

are in the soup here



and this is a silver spoon.



And it's not as if we've got

all the time in the world. Dig?



I'm game.



Me too.



 h, God!



Right. We hit 'em

as soon as they come back.



We'll be prepared. Waiting.



And they're armed.



What was that? Armed?



What d'you mean armed?

Armed with what?



Bad breath, colourful language,

feather duster?



What do you think

they'll be armed with?



Guns, you tit!



You never said

anything about guns.



A minute ago, this was

the safest job in the world.



Now it's turning into

a bad day in Bosnia!



Soap, stop being such a mincer.



- I've thought about that and...

- And what, exactly?



All we have to do is find out

who's carrying 'em.



They could all be carrying 'em

for what we know.



No.  nly one of 'em carries

them going to the job.



I assume the same one

will carry 'em back.



< You assume?



What is it - assumption

is the brother of all fuck-ups?



It's the mother of all fuck-ups!



Brother, mother,

any other sucker.



It don't make any difference.



They're still fucking guns and

they still fire fucking bullets!



Soap, if you have a better idea

how to get £      



in the next few days,

let us know.



In the meantime, Tom,



talk to Nick the Bubble

about shifting the weed.



- Weed?

- No, it's not normal weed.



It's fucked-up skunk, Class A,



"I can't think

let alone move" shit.



Doesn't sound

very good to me.



Neither me - depends

what flicks your switch.



The light is on and burning

brightly for the masses.



Anyway, do you know anyone?



I know a man, yes.



Rory Breaker.



The madman with an afro? I don't

want anything to do with him.



You won't have to.

Just get me a sample.



No can do.



What's that -

a place near Kathmandu?



Meet me half-way, mate.



It's all completely

chicken soup.



- It's what?

- It's kosher...as Christmas.



Jews don't

celebrate Christmas, Tom.



Never mind that.

I'm gonna need some artillery.



Coupla sawn-off shotguns.



A bit heavy. This is London,

not the Lebanon.



Who d'you think I am?



I think you're Nick the Greek.



Hold those two.



I don't normally have

anything to do with weed.



But if it is what he says,



I'll take it off him for

three and a half grand a key.



If it is what he says.



I don't want to see it

after a sample,



I don't want to touch it

after a sample.



I'll leave you in the capable

hands of Nathan here.



He'll sort out the details.



Just let me tell you

one thing...



If the milk turns out

to be sour,



I ain't the kind

of pussy to drink it.



D'you know what I mean?



Rory Breaker.



I know Rory. He's not

to be underestimated.



He's a funny-looking

fucker, I know.



You've got to look past the hair

and cute cuddly thing.



It's a deceptive façade.



A few nights ago

his roger iron busted.



He's gone down the battle

cruiser to watch the football.



No one's watching the custard,

so he switches the channel.



A fat geezer's north opens.



He wanders up

and turns the Liza over.



"Fuck off and watch it

somewhere else."



He knows claret is imminent,



but he doesn't

want to miss the game.



Calm as a coma, picks up

the fire extinguisher,



walks past the jam rolls

ready for action



and plonks it outside

the entrance.



He orders an Aristotle

of the most ping-pong tiddly



in the nuclear sub

and switches back to his footer.



"That's fucking it,"

says the geezer.



"That's fucking what?"

says Rory.



He gobs out a mouthful of booze,

covering Fatty.



He flicks a flaming match

into his bird's nest



and the geezer's lit up

like a leaking gas pipe.



Rory, unfazed,

turns back to his game.



His team's won, too. Four nil.



 i! Is your hair supposed

to look like that?



- All right, short stuff.

- Never mind short stuff.



Next time we do a job like this,

we want more money.



 r we're going back

to post offices. Fuck that!



Where's the others?



There was no others.



Stop fucking around.

The others - the old ones.



I don't know what you mean.



There were two old guns.

Where are they now?



Not in the cabinet.



There were some old hammer-lock

muskets the butler was carrying.



- They were ours. We sold them.

- Unsell them!



We had to sell them.

We needed the money.



I am not fucking interested.



If you don't wanna be counting

the fingers you haven't got,



or sharing a bed

with the Antichrist,



I want those guns. Quick!



All right, Barry.



Calm down.

We'll get them, all right?



Now fuck off, you scouse cunts.



[Greek music]



Jesus! If I pick 'em up,

will they stay in one piece?



Where'd you get them?



I got contacts. Listen, Tom -



you point them at me, I'll shit

myself or do whatever you say.



Either way, you get

the desired effect.



They look very nice, I agree.



They're lacking in criminal

credibility, ain't they?



I might get laughed at.

How much d'you want for these?






What - a pound for every year

they been about?



They're antiques, but I ain't

paying antique prices.



Bit long, ain't they?



Sawn-offs are out.



People want a bit

more range these days.



Range? I don't wanna blow

the arse out of this country,



but I don't want anyone

blowing a raspberry either.



I want to look...fucking mean.



 f course you'll look mean.



You'll look really scary.



Enough. What about

this geezer who sells drugs?



Rory Breaker's standing by.



You stand to make a lot

of money, tubby Tommy.



< I understand

this has come as a shock.



Let me tell you

how this can be resolved



by you, the good father.



Go on.



- He likes your bar.

- Yes.



He wants your bar.






D'you want me

to draw you a picture?



Look, that boy doesn't know

his arsehole from his earhole.



This is my bar. It's got

nothing to do with him.



What, and I care?



Remember, you have

the luxurious advantage



of being able to sustain

your son's life.



You do have a reputation -



so I'll choose my words

very carefully.



You tell Harry

to go fuck himself.






Careful, JD, you'll give Harry

another heart attack.






I'll put that down to shock.



 nly once.



 nly once can I, or shall I,

let you get away with that.



Your son's got three days

to find half a mill.



Make up your mind

which you prefer -



your bar...or your son.



[Plank] There's nothin'

to worry about, it's easy.



[Dog] No such thing

as easy in my experience.



If you think it's gonna

be easy, you're a prick.



It might be easier than most,

but it's not gonna be easy.






What's that idiot

doing next door?



Right, we use your van.



There's stairs up to this place

so we'll stick out.



Plank goes in first.



There's a cage, but it's never

locked, is it, Plank?



- Never.

- It don't wanna be.



 nce he's set,

he gets the rest of us in.



We'll get nasty,

shit 'em up, gag 'em, whatever.



These wankers shouldn't

give us any problems.



Like any cowboys - there'll

be a few tools lying around.



When the job's done, we come

straight back here and unload.



And Robert's

your father's brother.



Everyone savvy?



[All] Sweet.



[Dog] We'll do it

tomorrow at eight.



These slags like

to lie in bed till midday.



Lowest ebb and all that.

That's the way I like it.






Don't worry, we can manage this.



And what do you want me to do?



I don't know.

Turn up and look mean.



What d'you mean, look mean?



You know, growl a bit.



Just look as if you know

what you're doing.



I can do better than that.



Have a look at these.



What are we supposed

to do with these?



Put them on your head, stupid.






If you think

I'm turning up clean-shaven



and greet them with a grin,

you've got another thing coming.



These fellas

are your neighbours.



I thought it might be a good

idea to disguise ourselves.



Right...er, good thinking,

Soap. Well done.



I brought weapons as well.



What do you mean weapons?









Let's keep 'em covered up.



Couldn't you get

anything bigger?



What, like that?



What d'you think?



I think you need help.



Bar steward, can we have

a coupla drinks, please.



Have you seen your dad?



Hatchet sent

one of his men round.



 h, shit. When?






A good few years ago, your dad

and Harry played brag together.



Now, JD is a better player

but Harry is a shit and a cheat.



This game went on for two days,

until your dad lost everything.



But Harry wanted more. He wanted

to put your dad deep in debt,



so he plays on and on

until the stakes are a joke.



Harry's got some scam goin' on,



wants to put JD

in trouble for years.



Harry turns over and he's got

next to unbeatable cards.



Everyone falls over

'cause they all hate Harry.



JD starts to weep,

it's a real mess.



Harry starts laughin', cheerin',

doin' a little jig



and he turns JD's cards over.



JD by this time

is cryin' proper tears,



this is next to pathetic.



We see the cards, he's got three

threes, the best possible cards!



And the only time

I have ever seen them.



JD continues to cry, but now

it doesn't seem so pathetic.



Harry...he's had a heart attack!



JD bought this place

with the profits



and he's never

played cards since.



Harry's been looking to get

revenge for all those years.



You've just given him his cue.



If Harry don't kill you,

your father will.



He is not a happy chappy, Ed.



[Phone rings]






It's happening tomorrow morning.



No fuckin' about, Ed,

get back here now.



Where'd you get these,

a fucking museum?



Nick the Greek.



How much did you part with?



    for the pair.



Drachmas, I hope.



I'd feel safer

with a chicken drumstick.



These are gonna do

more harm than good.



Jesus, Tom. Do these work?



I don't know. Look nice, though.

I rather like 'em.



That's top of priorities,

that is.



Ladies, back to more important

issues, if you don't mind.



We've only got two real guns -

apparently that's what they are.



So we find a good place

to hide next door.



We wait till it's the right

time, then jack-in-the-box,



look nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em

in gaffer tape, nick their van,



swap the gear into the new van

and bring it back.



As long as we're out

of our hiding places quickly,



it's the last thing

you'd expect.



If Tom or anyone else feels

like giving 'em a kicking,



I'm sure it won't do any harm.



Yeah, little bit of pain

never hurt anybody.



If you know what I mean.



Also, I think knives

are a good idea.



Big, fuck-off shiny ones.



 nes that look like

they could skin a crocodile.



Knives are good because

they don't make any noise.



The less noise they make, the

more likely we are to use 'em.



Shit 'em right up.



Makes it look

like we're serious.



Guns for show, knives for a pro.



Soap, is there something

we should know about you?



I'm not sure what's more

worrying, the job or your past.



Come on, girls.



Where the fuck are they going?

Shift a piano?



I thought this was meant

to be a robbery.



Where'd they get those outfits?



Not a bad idea, that.



Come on, you fucking jellyheads,

move it!



You've been up two hours,

you should've got somewhere.



The money and the gear's

gotta be out by   .



[Door buzzer]



Who's that?



Don't open the door until you've

used that cage. I'm serious.



Find out who it is first.



Hello, can I help you?



All right, it's Plank.

Is Willie there?



No, I'm afraid he's not.

He's out at the moment.



Perhaps you can help.



Perhaps I can't,

if you know what I mean.



If you could open the door so

I could talk without shouting.



I can't help you, Plank.



You'll find

it's in your interest.



Hold on,  K?



Willie, it's Plank for you.

He says it's in our interest.



I don't care if it's




he's not coming in here,

not today.



Hold on. We are in business

and...correct me if I'm wrong



but that is business.



Corrected. That's a walking

accident we can do without.



Jesus. He's  K... He knows

only to buy weights now.



We're looking at at least

a couple of thou'.



What do you think, Winston?



This is the last time.

All right?



You and the money

are going out the back.



If he knows you're here,

he'll be all day.



Just clear this shit up!



What, now?



Yes! Now! Just get rid

of him quick.



All right. Just coming.



What the fuck is he doing?



Come on, I can't wait

out here all day!



[Jake] Just coming.



I thought you was gonna

leave me out there all day.



I didn't know you were

a removals man, Plank.



Lives and learns, don't ya?

Keep the gates locked now?



Ya, sorry. Gotta

do business like this now.



Can't be too careful these days.



I know.



Say a word, the right ear goes,

another, your left!



- What are you doing, Plank?

- What do you think?



Hang on, what are you doing?



Unlock the gate!

Unlock the fucking gate!



That's it. Go, go, go!

Fucking move!



What the fuck's going on?



Hang on, I've got the keys.



The gate's locked.



I don't believe

the fucking gate's locked.



What you done to Fauntleroy?



I didn't touch him.

He passed out.



Shut the door!

D'you want the world to see?



[Door slams, shouting]



What's going on down there?






Charles, get the rifle out.



We're being fucked.



It must be this one.



Hold that gun.

Plank, give me the keys.



Don't point that at my bollocks!



Planks of wood. I'm working

with fucking planks of wood.



Shit! What the fuck is that?



What the fuck's that?



It's my Bren gun.



Don't none of you slags move.

I'll kill the lot of you!



Who you gonna kill, Plank?

There's no one there.



Aaagh! They fucking shot me!



Well, shoot 'em back.



Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get

smokeless cartridges?



Shit, I've been shot.



I don't believe this. Could

everyone stop getting shot?



John, sit down and patch

yourself up, you tart!



It's a fucking air rifle!



- What the fuck was that?

- The Bren gun.



Fire that gun again,

you're a dead man.



No ifs, no buts,

you're a dead man!



I've got bollock ache with this.

Where's my fucking gun?



Now I've got your attention.

Firstly, I'll blow his toes off.



There go his toes.



If you want me out of here,

open the fucking gate



or I'm gonna blow his leg off!



They're gonna kill us

if we do, man.



Poor J'll certainly get it

if we don't. He's serious.



I'm losing patience.

Hurry up, girls!




It's all fucking right!



Willie, he doesn't know

you're here...



Sort something out.



And all your friends,

there's a good lad.



- There's only three of us here.

- I don't believe you.



- I'm gonna blow his leg off.

- There's only three of us!



- Plank?

- Yeah, one of 'em's out.



 pen the gate.



Up, up, up, there's a good lad.



John, get them tied up.

Plank, where's the money?



In those shoe-boxes.



- Where?

-  ut the back.



- And the weed?

-  ut the back.



- Point.

- With what?



- Your hands!

- I'm tied up.



Nod your head or something.



Check it out. Plank,

get Paul out that van lively.



[Scream of agony]



[Bren gun fires]









I'm gonna cut him.

Make sure he knows he's dead.



How you doing, Mick?



How d'you think?

He's nearly chopped my arm off.



Jesus Christ.



Gordon Bennett.



What the fuck's

been going on here?



Shut up, you idiot.

It's Hanukkah.



Don't just stand there.



Can you fit it all in? >



There's a lot...I can't

get Epping Forest in my van.



Bollocks to can't.



You'll fit it all in

if you have to make two trips.






If you don't move it,

we will move it.



- I'll only be a minute.

- You've already been   .



- Come and have a look.

- At what, exactly?



- The van's half full.

- So?



All I've got to do

is fill it up, put you in it...






..and I'm off.



Can you carry

more than one bag this time?



- I can't. My neck, Dog.

- How many more bags?



< Just a couple.



Mick, you dead yet?



I'll be all right.  nce I've

dealt with that lanky prick.



[Dog] Do it quietly.



Time to say "Goodnight, nurse".



Where the fuck

did she come from?



Tie her up.

We're out of here.



[Bacon] Not like that,

you idiot. Give it us here.



What you doing, Ed?



D'you want one?



No, I fucking don't.

You cannot make tea, Edward.



The British Empire

was built on cups of tea.



[Soap] And look what happened.



If you think I'm going to war

without one, you're mistaken.



Going to war with what?



Have you forgotten

those guns, you dozy prat?



You won't get away with this.



- Paul, what's that?

- It's a traffic warden.



What's he doing

in the back of the van?



He was gonna call the cozzers.



Fair enough -

we'll deal with him later.



How we doing, Tom?



Right as rain.



I'm gonna take care of the cabs.



Keep us posted.



Do you do airports?



Where are we gonna hide?



Don't complicate things.

Just hide.



 w! Fuck!



We're on.



They weigh a pound or two!



Shut up and back up!






Spin round, big boy.






Stay down. Stay down!



Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up.

Hands and face.



 n the floor!



Bend over the fucking desk.



Keys. I want keys, now.



I'll find ya.



'Course you will, sweetheart.



I'll find ya.



What d'you think this is?

Fucking hide and seek?



That one. Search that one.



Right, I'll see you

in the van,



when you've finished

with handsome.



Jesus. That wasn't

too bad, was it?



When the bottle in my arse has

contracted, I'll let you know.



Bacon, see what we've got.



Let's have a butchers.



We've hit the jackpot, lads.



We've got God knows how much

of this stinking weed.



A shitload of cash.



And a traffic warden.






Jesus, Ed.

We got a traffic warden.



I think he's still alive.



He's got claret

coming out of him somewhere.



What did they want

with a traffic warden?



I don't know.

I don't think we need him.



Knock him out

and dump him at the lights.



What d'you mean,

knock him out? With what?



Use your imagination.



[Traffic warden wails]



Don't touch him up.

Knock him out.



I'll knock you out!



You wanna knock him out,

you knock him out.



I fucking hate traffic wardens.



It's about time you gave my

young friends a visit, Chris.



Tomorrow's the day

and mum's the word.



I can't have that, can I, Baz?



No, Harry, you can't.



I mean, it's a liberty.



I can't have a liberty taken,

can I, Chris?



No, Harry, you can't.



I mean, it's enough

to give me the arsehole.



I can't have the arsehole,

can I, boys?



No, Harry, you can't.



Dead, I don't know who they

fuckin' think they can be,



that I won't find 'em.



I don't give a fuck

who they think they are!



I'll kill 'em! I'll fucking

hang, draw and quarter 'em!



All right, that's it.

We're done.



We're off.



Ed, are you sure it's a good

idea taking this back to yours?



It's the only place we can,

and the last place they'll look.



Anyway, fuck it. The battle

is over and the war is won.



Tom, take this to Nick the

Bubble and get rid of it quick.



This skunk

is as good as it gets.



All right.

We'll take it. Half price.



I don't think he'll like that.



You said three five a key.

That's a good price.



That was yesterday. >



Now it's today,

if I'm not mistaken.



We'll take it tomorrow.

Half price.



If he wants to get rid of it

quick, he'll have to take it.



Look, I've got a race coming up,

so if you'd be kind enough...






take that round to Snow White

and the three little chemists.



They should have

a gander at that.



I want a second opinion.



Hang on a minute, Nathan,

something stinks.



Yeah, your fucking aftershave.



Fuck you, funny man.



For God's sake, help me.



I'm in pain.

I'm in so much pain!



Go in slowly, Nathan.



Fuck you, funny man.

You go first.



Get the fuck in there!



I want this house searched

for bugs, stripped.



Even if there was a bug,

they'd have taken it with 'em.



Bit late to start thinking.



If it's a possibility,

that's good enough for me.



Then I want every slag

this side of Ceylon pulled in



and tortured...badly.



I want to know

who's responsible for this,



otherwise I hold

you responsible.



[Eddie] Not a bad day.



That pile takes care of Harry.



What's left over?



Give me half a chance

to count it.



What about this gear, then?



 h, what, you want

a toke on that?



No. I don't want any

of that horrible shit.



Can we lock up

and get drunk now, please?



Look, we had the gates up, but

they stuck a shotgun through.



Poor bloody J got shot.



Right mess.



It'll be more than your life's

worth if you jest with me.



Some girl took one out.

He was in a right two an' eight.



We shot one of them...

in the...er, throat.



I'll shoot you

if I don't get my ganja back.



The one you shot.

Is he still in there? >



No, it was another one.



That's more like it.

Where is he?



Well, they...they

took him with.



He's still, still alive.



What did you shoot him with?

An air gun?



Look, we grow weed.

We're not mercenaries.



You don't say.



Who could it be?

Where do we start, Rory?



Mr Breaker.



Today, my name is Mr Breaker.



You think this

is a coincidence?



This white shite

steals my things



and thinks he can

sell it back to me!



He's got less brains

than you, Lenny!



Get Nick - the greasy wop



shistos pezavengy gammore

Greek bastard round here now,



if he's stupid enough

to be on this planet.



# Come with me,

I'll fill you with desire



# Take my hand and we'll walk

this land together #



Your stupidity might be

your one saving grace.






Don't uuh me, Greek boy.



How is it your fucking stupid,

soon-to-be-dead friends



thought that they could

steal my cannabis



and then sell it back to me?



Is this a declaration of war?



Is this some white cunt's joke?



'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,




I have three interests

in life, Nick.



No, four.

Football, music, money,



and the annihilation of anyone

who interferes with those.



You couldn't

have known my position, >



'cause you're not that stupid

that if you did,



you wouldn't have turned up here

scratching your arse,



with that "what's going on" look

on your chevy chase.



But you do know

where these people live.



If you hold back anything,

I'll kill you.



If you bend the truth, or

I think you are, I'll kill you.



If you forget anything,

I'll kill you.



In fact, you'll have to work

very hard to stay alive, Nick.



Do you understand

everything I've said?



Because if you don't,

I'll kill you.



Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak...

you may enlighten me.



So we've got a bit

of a problem, ain't we?



Er, well...yeah, we do.



In fact, this is a bit more

than a bit of a problem.



It's the Mount

fucking Everest of problems!



The reason it's such a fucking

monstrosity of a problem is...



you haven't got the first idea

who did this to us, have you?



We've been up all night.

It's no one from round here.



We've had 'em all

lined up against the wall.



If it was a toerag

from the manor, we'd know.



- We'd know.

- You'd fucking know!



You wouldn't know if it was

the next door neighbours!



Get out there and find them!



I'm sick of

the fucking sight of you!



"Scarface" -

I've watched "Scarface".



If you want to know how to do

a drug deal, watch "Scarface".



That really inspires confidence.



This guy, Rory Breaker...



Rory Breaker - psychotic

black dwarf with an afro?



That'll be the same man, yes.



I've heard of him -

he's a fucking lunatic.



He can afford the deal

at the price we're selling.



It's not worth him

giving us any trouble.



He knows we'll be a pain

in the arse. Who needs that?



I'd take a pain in the arse

for half a million quid.



You'd take a pain

in the arse for air miles.



The fatter you get,

the sadder you get.



Will you stop flirting

for a minute?



After we pay Hatchet,

this deal puts us up...



nearly £       each.



Not bad for a morning's work,

I think you'll agree.



So they had the cash.



And the puff.



Cheeky bastards. Count it.



Shit, Dog. There's a lot.



Do you want to do it next door?



We're not going next door



till we've flayed

them dead men walking.



We'll count it upstairs.



I don't want them to see you

fingering the money.



Dog, look...



Give us it here...dozy bastard.



Check your guns.

Get yourselves well hid.



Wait till they get right inside

the door, then give it 'em.



Give me them shooters,

you can use your own.



[Phone ringing]






That's no way

to answer the phone.



Is that you, Dean?



It's Lord fucking Lucan.

Who do you think it is?



What can I do for you?



Those guns I sold you,

I need them back.



Not likely. I don't think

I'll be seeing them again.



I've got the money

to pay for them.



I'm sure you do.

But you don't understand.



I ain't seeing them

or the guns again.



We can't get them.



If we can't get them,

we can't get them.



You'll have to get them.



We made a deal for everything

inside the cabinet.



Inside, outside -

I don't give a shit.



Get those guns,

because if you don't...



Yeah, Bazza, or what?



Have you heard

of Harry Lonsdale?



 therwise known as "Hack You

Up With an Hatchet Harry"?



Well, this is...



James Bond, need-to-know time.



When you dance with the devil,

you wait for the song to stop.



Know what I mean?



I mean find 'em,

torture 'em and kill 'em.



And bring back

what belongs to me.



Because if you don't,

your family's bang in trouble.



Who was that?



That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.



Jesus, I've heard of him.



[Dean] Shit, they were

his fucking guns we sold.



We've got to find them.



No fucking about, Nick.

Where can I find those guns?



[Zorba the Greek plays]



Six black cocks

and a little white kitten



sitting on the side

of the road.



We're gonna do

a proper decoration job.



I want the grey skies

of London illuminated.



I want that house painted red.



All right, there's this brass

standing on the corner.



Dwarf walks up to her

carrying a suitcase...



Winston there

is gonna come along



and see if he recognises

any of them.



Watch out for these fellas -



they've got a bit of an arsenal

and they don't mind using it.



I'm taking down her panties...



Does everyone know

what they got to do?






[Music speeding up]



[Music very fast]



What the fuck is going on?



[Shooting continues]



You got something here

for me, have you?



Come on. Chop-chop.



Thank you very much.



He's got the guns.



- You get them.

- Why me?



You're supposed

to be the hard case...



You get the guns!

I drive the car!



Good boy.



- Get the fucking guns.

- Y U get the fucking guns!



You fucking big...



All right. Wrap them guns up.



Count the money.



Put your seat belt on.



We've got to get the fucking

guns or we're dead!



..so I made sure I fucked

the one that was coughing.



Get out the car,

you yuppie fucker!






He's the one

we shot in the neck.









I don't believe this.

What the fuck has happened here?






The money. The gear.



This is fucked.



No money. No weed.



It's all been replaced

by a pile of corpses.



All right. Don't panic.

Let's think about this.



Fuck that,

you can think about it.



I am panicking and I'm off.



Hello, John. Nice holiday?



Yeah, terrific, Chris.



I got sunstroke and concussion

thrown in for an extra grand.



Sounds like a good deal.

You're not complaining, are you?



No, I'll take the family

next year.



Fair play to ya.



- That you, Chris?

- Harry.



How did you get your hands

on these, then?



The boys had 'em.



I know you like

these sort of things -



wondered if you wanted 'em.



Yeah, I'll have 'em.



- Was it hard getting the money?

- Not especially.



Upset a few characters, though.



Have you counted it?



Yeah, it's all there,

to the pound.



- They were gonna pay?

- Looks like it.



But who knows?

The opportunity was there.



In my experience, it's best

to take that opportunity -



if it's there.



Good work, Chris.




We've got to get those guns.




We don't know who lives there.




I don't care who lives there!



All's I know is it's preferable

to death by Hatchet.



[Gary] Fair enough. Let's go.



I don't think

it's the right move.



[Ed] It's either that,



the old boy's place

and we lose a digit daily.



- I'm gonna phone him.

- As if he'll care.



He'll care. That was

supposed to be his money.



Whether he cares about us

is different.



Pass me the phone.



[Phone rings]



Yeah? That you, boy?



It's Ed,

if that's what you mean.



'Pay day, ain't it?'



Yeah...I wanted

to talk to you about that.



I'll bet you do.



I got half

a million nicker here,



which means

some poor sod doesn't.



You've upset a few people.



But that really

isn't my concern, is it?



What does concern me...

is the guns you had.



'I want to talk to you

about that.'



So get your arse here now.

And I mean now!



Bastard! You fucking bastard!






What the fuck

are you doing here?



What the fuck

are you doing here?



Job well done. We made

a few quid out of that one.






Made a few quid, did you?



Where's what I want?



You all right there, mate?



Very fucking funny.

Where's what I want?



I've just left it in the office.



We'd better get it, if you want

your son to see his birthday.



- Now chop-fucking-chop.

- All right. Fair enough.



Where you going?



It's a thirty second drive

or a five minute walk.



I couldn't have parked outside,

I'd have got a ticket.



I suppose that don't

matter now, does it?



Just be careful.






[Ed] You and me.



[Tom] You and who?



You know where

the door handle is, Tom.



# "The Payback"

by James Brown



# Payback



# That's it, payback



# Revenge, I'm mad



# Get down with my girlfriend



# That ain't right #



 h, no. Not again.



That's it. I'm off.



Tom...that is our bag.



- Ed...!

- Hold on.



This is our bag.



That's it. We're off.



- I'm gonna take these guns.

- Tom, don't fuck about!



It'll only take a minute.



What is going on?



I don't know, but I do know

there's no more Harry.



Which means

there's no more debt.



If there's no more debt,

there's no more problem.



And there's no problem with the

neighbours - they're all dead.



And I think,

if I get this right,



we haven't done anything wrong

and we're in the clear.



Never ever...



has anyone

been as fucking rude...



..to me as you!



You fucking...bastard!



All right, mate?



Cheeky bastard!



'This was an embarrassing

position for Tom to be in.



'But Chris had to respect

the fact that he was holding



'what appeared to be

a pair of loaded shotguns.



'Tom had to respect the fact

they were not loaded.



'So without anybody

losing too much face,



'Tom left through a side door

and Chris left with the money.



'Everybody else got arrested.'



 dds, chaps,

gotta remember the odds.



Hope I'm not interrupting?



I need to know,

what's goin' on, son?



He's not one of 'em.



# Sitting in the cheap seats

underneath the stiles



# I'm heading back to base



# I'll drop you off

at my house #



Your dad would like

a word with you, Ed.



Where are the others?



They got out yesterday.

They're at the bar.



All right, Dad?



I'm all right.

How about yourself?



I'm all right.

Could do with a drink, though.



All in good time.



So, are you in the clear?



More importantly...am I?



It appears so.



Appears? You'll have to do

better than fucking appears.



Well, everybody's dead, Dad.



That's about as clear

as it can get.



How about that drink?



You know where the bar is.






< Don't make yourself

too comfortable.



Alan's got to sit there.




You're lucky

you're still breathing,



let alone able to walk.



I suggest you take

full advantage of that fact.



..it's in all our interests.



All right, lads?



How's it goin'?

How you doing, Soap?



- Still cooking?

- Yeah, you know.



How about the girls?



What about your diet?



Where's that son of mine?



# Taking gasoline



# I'm a teen dream



# Superhuman being



# I'm a man machine



I'm a man machine #



You took your time.

Where the hell have you been?



Sit down. I'll tell you.



The traffic warden identified

the neighbours' bodies.



Which sort of

puts us in the clear.



The only thing connecting us

with the case...



..is those shotguns.



And Tom took care of them.



[Soap] You did

take care of the shotguns?



I wanted to talk about that.



Well, talk.



Well, actually...no.



They're in the car.

I was gonna sell 'em to Nick,



but I couldn't get hold of him.



You dippy bastard.



So...the only thing

connecting us with the case



is in the back of your car,

which is parked outside?!



They cost     quid.

I'm not gonna throw 'em away.



They're hardly likely to trace

'em back to us, are they?



You think it's worth

the risk for £   ?



Tom, you're a dick!



Take those guns

and throw 'em off a bridge.



And yourself while you're at it.






Look, all I'm...



Now, Tom!



Can I have a beer, please, Dad?



I'm busy. Get it yourself.



It seemed Hatchet

underestimated you lot.



And it seems to have cost him.



I ain't gonna make

the same mistake, am I?



So I've decided

to bring your bag back.



I think the word you're looking

for, gentlemen, is "thank you".



Thank you.



You've presented me

with a problem.



I've lost my employer.



So I've taken care

of meself and me son.



If you think that's unfair,

pay me a little visit.



But you better be

waving a white flag,



high and clear

so as I can see it.



 r it'll be the last

visit you ever make. Understand?



That's all I've come to say.



There is one more thing...



It's been emotional.



# "Fool's Gold"

by The Stone Roses



# The gold road's

sure a long road



# Winds on through the hills

for fifteen days #



We are now officially in

the money-lending business, son.



Put your seatbelt on.



We're out of here.



It's empty.



# The pack on my back is aching



# The straps seem

to cut me like a knife



# I'm no clown

I won't back down



# I don't need you to tell me

what's going down...#



[All] What's his number?



You'll jam the line!

I'll call him!



My fucking batteries!



- You muppet!

- Give me the phone!



- I'll dial it!

- Tell me the number!



- Give me your phone!

- You'll break it!



You'll break it

and it'll be fucked!



Shut it. It's fucking ringing!












# " h Girl"

by Mauro Pawloski



# I'm eighteen with a bullet



# Got my finger on the trigger



# I'm gonna pull it



# I've picked a clip now

I'm the son of a gun



# So hold it right there,

Little girl, little girl



# We're gonna have big fun



# I may be an oldie



# But I'm a goodie, too



# I'll last forever



# And I'll be good to you

 h, yes, I will.



# I'm eighteen with a bullet



# Got my finger on the trigger



# I'm gonna pull it



# I'm a super soul

sure shot, yeah



# I'm a national breakout



# So let me check

your play-list, mama



# Come on, let's make out



# I'm high on the chart



# Tipped for the top



# But till I'm in your heart



# I ain't never gonna stop



# Never, never, baby



There's this brass

standing on the corner,



a dwarf walks up

carrying a suitcase



says "How much?"



She says "A oner", he says

"All right," takes her off.



Says "All right, clothes off,

get on the bed," she lays down,



dwarf opens the suitcase

and pulls out four springs,



puts one on each hand and foot,



bounces over and gets

on top of her, boing,



bouncin' up and down,



boing boing, gives her

the best shag she's ever had,



he's on her for two hours,



and it's the best fuck

she's ever had.



She's like, "That was amazing,

the best fuck I've ever had.



"What technique

d'you call that?"



He says Four Spring

Dwarf Technique.



There were two old guns.

Where are they now?



Not in the cabinet.



There were some old hammer-lock

muskets the butler was carrying.



- They were ours. We sold them.

- Unsell them!



They were ours....



I'm not fucking interested.



If you don't wanna be counting

the fingers you haven't got,



 r sharing a bed

with the Antichrist



I suggest you get

those guns. Quick!



All right.



And get us an ice cream

while you're at it.



That takes care

of that lot, son.



Ha-hey! Go on, son!



# We've got

a smash double header



# If we only stay together



# Talking about you



# Talking about me



# I'm eighteen with a bullet



# Got my finger on the trigger



# I'm gonna pull it



# Yes, I am



# Be my A side, baby



# Be beside me



# Right now, right now,

I'm single



# But pretty soon you'll see



# We'll have a hit first time



# It won't be long we'll find



# That we're raising a whole LP



# You know I'm eighteen

with a bullet



# Yes, I am, baby



# I've got my finger

right there on the trigger



# I'm gonna pull it,

pull it, pull it



# You better start

making plans, baby



# This old house

is too small now, now, now #


Special help by SergeiK