Voila! Finally, the The Lonely Guy
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Lonely Guy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
When life was just empty rooms
for company i talked to the moon
i danced along to my own song
that no one could hear
when nights were silent and dark
i'd lie in shadows, stare at the stars
the quiet voice that lifted my heart
was always so clear
it told me
the chance for love comes without warning
so don't stop looking for it
yeah, love comes without warning
so be ready for love
yours are the eyes
i have spent my life looking for
if they're not telling lies
you were looking for me
i want to tell everyone
who's waiting in the dark for the sun
before your chance in life is gone
you'll be in the light
the chance for love comes without warning
so don't stop looking for it
yeah, love comes without warning
so be ready for love
This film is dedicated to lonely guys everywhere.
Lonely guys have been with us since the beginning of time.
There's one there. Poor guy.
Another new year's eve alone in the cave.
Even a thousand years from now,
the lonely guy will still be there.
Look at this guy.
That couple will go down in history.
All he gets to do is eat roast beef from a tube.
So all you lonely guys out there, this film is for you.
It's for guys like that guy, chin loo fung in canton, china.
He's got married brothers and sisters,
yet still eats alone in a chinese restaurant four nights a week.
It's for mbowie zoomba, another lonely guy.
While he's happy that cable tv has been installed in his area,
he'd really just like to meet a nice girl with attractive lip lace.
And it's for larry hubbard...
[larry hubbard] Hey, that's me, fifth one down. I'll take over the narration.
Hi, i'm larry hubbard. This is the story of how i became a lonely guy.
I came to manhattan to be a writer.
While i was working on my novel, i took a job at a greeting card firm.
It was working out pretty well.
What are you working on, hubbard?
It's an idea i had for a new kind of sympathy card, sir.
"I know how much your loss must grieve you,
"but here's a thought i'd like to leave you:
"Although you're sad remember that...
now god is petting your pussycat. "
- Congratulations! You're moving up. - Thank you, sir.
- Get your things and take the front desk. - Yes, sir!
- Finley, harrison, annenberg, leach. - Yes, sir?
Stop whatever you're doing. I want pet cards.
Birthday, anniversary. And not just cats and dogs.
I want hamsters, fish, parakeets.
I was always lucking into things like that.
New york had been pretty good to me.
The best part was, i'd met this gorgeous ballet dancer named daniele.
She was nuts about me and asked me to move right in with her.
Every day at : she'd have bathed, perfumed,
put on a sexy nightie...
and be waiting alone in a big bed just for me.
Hi, daniele. Tarzan is here.
Oh, one second while i look through my mail here.
[Muttering] Oh, geez.
Hey, a rejection from a completely new publisher.
They're finally getting to know me in this town.
Hi, honey. You miss me?
- So, what'd you do today? Anything interesting? - Ohhh.
You gotta get out of the house. You can't mope
around all day waiting for me to come home.
This your cigar in here, honey?
All ready for me i can see, huh?
Mmm. You smell good.
I don't believe you!
You come home, you find me in bed with another man,
you act as if nothing's going on.
Larry, this is my lover, raoul.
We're lovers. Understand?
- Hi, raoul. Larry hubbard. Nice to meet you. - Yeah, hi.
Have you known daniele long?
Yes, we're dancers in the same company.
- Dancer? I thought they were all... - yes.
Well, raoul's not! Raoul's all man.
And he's moving in tonight. After the nutcracker.
He's bringing his things over in the morning.
Bringing his things over? There's hardly enough room for our things!
Your things are going! I've already packed them!
They're in the hall beside the garbage, and you can take 'em out all together.
I know i'm behaving strange. Probably real strange.
I've never been in a situation like this before.
I don't know how to handle it. I still don't know how to handle it.
So i was waiting, calmly,
'til i do figure out how to handle this kind of situation.
Hold it. I think i've got it.
What the hell's going on here? What's he doing in this bed?
You disgust me, both of you!
I'm getting out of here, and i never want to see you in my life again!
I think i handled that rather well.
[Daniele, muffled] Oh, larry, don't forget the garbage.
I had no place to stay, nowhere to go.
There was no one to talk to. I must've looked pretty pitiful.
But that's the good thing about living in a big city like new york.
At least nobody i knew was going to see me like this.
[Man] Larry? Larry hubbard? Is that you?
Hey, larry, how are you? Jack. Jack bedwood.
Oh, jack, hi. You're looking good. How's it going?
How does it look? Pretty good, huh?
How's it going with you?
Oh, just taking a walk. I like to get out of the house every once in a while.
I heard about you and daniele breaking up.
It just happened minutes ago.
I just spoke to her. We were very close. We had an affair.
- When was that? - About four weeks ago.
Every morning after you'd go to work.
But you knew about that, didn't you?
Oh, oh, sure! We had an understanding. We were very today people.
- Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife verna. - Hello.
- Hi. - And this is my girlfriend freida.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
We got a little apartment here on the west side.
One big room and a -foot mattress.
Listen, anytime you're in the neighborhood, just drop in, okay?
And don't be so broken up about daniele. She already dumped raoul.
- She has? - Yeah. She's living with a rock group now.
Oh. Well, okay.
You take it easy, huh? See you around.
- Yeah. - Come on, baby.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Warren evans. - Larry hubbard.
- Hi, larry. - Hi.
First-time lonely guy?
What's a lonely guy?
My girl melanie just left me.
What'd she leave you for?
She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.
- Gee, that sounds tough. - It was tough.
It's probably for the best. She's really started to let herself go.
Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.
- Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl. - Not like melanie.
No, better than melanie. You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are ya?
Where're you headed?
Um... i guess i have to look for an apartment, huh?
Take it from an experienced lonely guy.
Be very careful looking for an apartment.
'Cause from now on, that apartment's gonna be your best friend.
A lot of lonely guys, just to get off the street, tend to grab the first thing...
that looks better than a borneo death cell.
- Thanks. - My pleasure.
Warren gave me a lot of tips, like:
It's very important to find an apartment with a feeling of space.
- Right here. - [Thud]
The view is very important psychologically.
In a moderate price range, you can't expect anything too beautiful,
but a lonely guy should watch out for the depressing.
A river view is great...
as long as you're above the river.
And you mustn't be fooled by classy-looking neighborhoods.
Sometimes your classiest-looking neighborhoods have the highest crime rates.
Don't live here. Bad neighborhood.
What a view, and you can almost see the river!
See, this has the pacing room i need. I'm working on a novel.
This apartment could really be my friend. I'll take this.
All right, fine, but before you can sign the lease,
- there are a few questions i'd like to ask. - What?
"Do you have any dogs, cats, children, or friends of ethnic extraction?
"Do you ever get personal phone calls after midnight?
"Do you go to dinner with people in show business?
"Do you ever put substances up your nose or any other open bodily passage?
Is there anyone in your acquaintance who has a sexually communicable disease?"
No dogs, no cats, no children, no foreign friends.
No late phone calls, no show business dinners, no disgusting substances.
No acquaintances with sexually communicable diseases.
Except that uncle harry once developed a rash after an affair with a waitress,
but he covered it with a tattoo of a dragon so nobody would notice.
Thank you very much. That seems satisfactory.
You can move in the day after tomorrow. You'll fit in very well.
Thank you. You wanna go to dinner?
I'm a man.
This is getting drastic. I don't have anything in my place.
I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb.
This morning i had to brush my hair with my toothbrush.
I cleaned it out really good so i feel more comfortable. It takes about minutes.
- Does it look okay? - I was just thinking how good it looks.
- I should get a comb. I'll get it today. - You oughta get a comb.
You think that's bad. I had my yearly physical last week.
They called me yesterday, told me i have to come back. They lost my blood.
- Oh, god! - You know, i can give 'em more blood, but...
you see, you buy a lot of these, you scatter them around,
and nobody'll notice you don't have enough furniture.
Hey, this one looks nice.
- No, you don't want that, larry. That's got buds. - So what?
You don't want to watch life blossoming, while yours...
isn't, yeah. Hey, how about a fern?
Great. But, larry, don't call 'em ferns. Call 'em guys.
- Guys? - Yeah, make 'em feel like your buddy.
You can watch football games together.
- Watch football games with a plant? - Hey, you never know.
Well, i'll just take this guy right here.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, good. I could use one myself.
- Want a sip? - No. I'm full.
- What'd you eat? Uh-huh. - Uh, a tuna sandwich.
How often do you have to water something like this?
Oh, just once a week. But always stay with it a couple of minutes.
It doesn't like to drink alone, seriously. [snorting]
- Have you got your towels yet? - I forgot all about that.
I can get 'em wholesale, if you don't mind other people's initials.
- They get 'em from divorced couples. - No, i just want to get dry...
that's kind of sad, isn't it? I don't want to get depressed every time i shower.
You'll probably be depressed anyway.
Well, i gotta go. I gotta go get some furniture.
Hey, doesn't your guy want to say good-bye to my guy?
Say good-bye to your friend.
- Still a little shy. - Ahhh.
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. - Bye.
Well, i'd gotten some furniture, but the big news was the phone.
I had to give them a $ deposit and a sperm sample, but they finally put it in.
So i pulled out my little black book.
Nobody move a muscle.
First national bank.
Hi. Carol zall, please.
[Gangster on phone] I'm sorry, she's all tied up right now.
Would you care to leave your phone number?
Larry hubbard. Kl - .
Oh. She says she'd love to talk to you,
and she'll get right back to you.
Haven't lost the touch.
Cops! Out the back!
- All right, let's go. - Take some hostages.
- Get the bag. - Kid, you're coming with me.
For some reason, carol never called back.
You know, i know this guy who's a magician.
He and his friend go into a restaurant and start doing tricks.
People come around. He said they meet a lot of girls that way.
So i got this magic book.
Try this. Take a card.
Okay, look at it.
Okay, now stick it back in somewhere.
There. I'll shuffle.
Okay, cut 'em.
- Was it the queen of clubs? - No.
- Was it a club? - No.
- Diamond? - Yes.
- Queen of diamonds? - No.
- Nine of diamonds? - No.
- Six of diamonds? - No.
- Three of diamonds? - Yes. Yes. Not bad. Not bad.
Actually, i was feeling pretty positive.
There are plenty of girls, and i knew it wouldn't take long before i met one of them.
How you doin'?
I'm okay. How about yourself?
Not too shabby. Cigarette?
Oh, no, thanks.
Do you do this often?
Well... i'm a single guy,
and no use in saving it up.
Okay, you may get up now. I'll have you out of here in just a minute.
Do you have time for a drink? They say you should have some orange juice.
Oh, thanks. I have to meet my boyfriend.
Oh, right, right. Me too.
You know, i really believe that one of these days i'm gonna meet the girl of my dreams...
if i don't run out of blood first.
I was getting a little depressed.
So i was really glad when warren invited me over to his place for a little party.
- I want a list of part-time lovers... - warren, how's it going?
- What are these? - Party cutouts.
I got them at the lonely guy store at st and lexington.
When i first saw them it seemed like a weird idea,
but it turns out they're a lot of fun.
They're good company too. You'd be surprised.
- Oh, yeah? - It is surprising. They move and everything.
I'm just gonna go check on dinner.
- Fix yourself a drink. Drink anything you want. - Thanks.
I'll get it. Hey, how are you...
you got a complaint about the noise.
You're playing your music too loud!
Oh, i'll turn it down. [Muttering]
What the hell is goin' on here?
Uh, just a friendly little get-together.
- Can i fix you a drink? - No, no. We're on duty.
- Oh, sure. - Just keep the noise down.
Mike, go ahead. I'll be right down. I gotta use the can.
Look, mister, really, i don't have to use the can.
But tell me, please, where do you get these things? They're fantastic!
You mean, you're a...
yeah, a lonely cop.
A lonely cop? Oh, gee!
You get 'em at the lonely guy store at st and lex.
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Do you know if they got gene hackman?
- Yeah? - Does the lonely guy store have gene hackman?
Yes, they do, but you have to reserve him a week ahead.
Hey, terrific. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.
- Thanks a lot. - That's okay.
Come and get it. Leg of lamb.
If i could tear you away from dolly parton. She's great, isn't she?
Hey, warren, do you ever feel like getting out and meeting real women?
Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific girl at a bar tomorrow night.
- Do you wanna come? Maybe you'll meet somebody. - Well, yeah, thanks.
- Who's that? - Oh, just a friend of mine i don't see anymore.
Oh. Well, here's to...
Oh, god, that's funny! You tell a story so well.
- Oh, thanks. Here's another one. - [Laughing]
I'm walking down madison avenue. It's about : : . This really happened!
- This guy comes up to me... - hi, honey. I'm sorry i'm late.
- Oh, hi. - Hey, warren. Thanks for sitting in.
- I was just telling louise this great story... - how'd your meeting go?
- Terrific. Looks like we got the deal. - That's wonderful!
- Great. - Listen, warren, thanks for sitting in.
- I hate to have louise sit and wait alone. - I was glad to do it.
Oh, listen, can you do it again next week, same time? I'll be about minutes.
Oh, sure, sure. Enjoy your dinner.
I'm trying to get my courage up to talk to that girl over there.
Oooh, she's pretty.
Gee, i don't think so.
I mean, she's really attractive.
[Chuckles] Well, hey!
Well, i will.
- It's a game of love... - hi. I'm larry.
- This okay? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, i hate these places. Don't you?
It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing.
I guess i want to meet someone i can talk to, just get to know.
And go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries.
I think what i'm looking for is more of a real relationship.
Oh, that's great, larry. But i just came here to get laid.
Ever think of getting a dog?
Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face.
They don't even have to like you. It's their instinct.
Hitler had a dog. That dog went crazy over him.
- Adolf hitler? - Yeah.
There's this pet shop, has this policy.
You take a dog home, you don't like it...
you bring it back, you get another dog.
- That sounds like a good deal. - It is a good deal.
I learned a lot about dogs that week.
For instance, don't get a dog that's bigger than you are...
unless you're trying to save money on bus fare.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go, boy. Come on!
And if you like to play fetch, don't get a fast dog.
Fast dogs like to show off, and they don't care about your stick.
If they don't come back by nightfall, you're out $ .
Bassets are really cuddly dogs.
They love to get in bed and nuzzle right up to you.
The only problem is, they miss their mother and they howl all night,
and you have to pretend that you're a basset too...
and howl with him 'til he goes back to sleep.
A cute dog attracts women.
But not to you, to himself.
I come by here every day about this time.
- Bye, puppy dog! - Me and the dog.
Dogs have a great deal.
Hey, you! What's your name?
Larry hubbard. Why?
- I'm gonna write you a ticket. - What for?
Your dog just fouled the pathway over there.
- He what? - He pooped.
Well, excuse me, officer, but i don't think that poop came from this dog.
No, no, i'm sure of it. Definitely not.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, officer, i mean it.
Look, in the last week, i've had five different dogs.
I think i'm beginning to know what kind of poop goes with each dog.
I think i may even say, without undue modesty,
that i am becoming somewhat of an expert on poop.
And i can assure you that that poop did not come from this dog!
I mean, this is a little dog. That looks like a land mine.
Warren, i gotta meet a girl.
That was your dog's poop. I saw him do it.
I mean, look at that guy. He's got a girl.
He had to meet her someplace. He wasn't born with his arm around her.
What about jogging? Maybe you can meet girls jogging.
Jogging. I remember when i first saw rocky.
I came running out of the theater, ran into the park,
started jogging, shadow boxing,
a guy came up and punched me right in the face.
I'm not really jogging. I only ran about yards.
This is not real sweat, either. I sprayed it on.
They sell this at sporting goods stores.
It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes.
This was taken from a boston celtics basketball player...
immediately after a double overtime game.
I think i'm getting hungry.
[Panting] A vanilla yogurt milkshake, please.
Did miles today. : that's my best time ever.
Don't sweat on the counter, please.
Ah, beautiful! [Chuckles]
I was just noticing that book you're reading, mayor of casterbridge.
That's really a coincidence because i did my final paper...
on thomas hardy my senior year in college.
You know, hardy was a very interesting man.
When he was in london in ...
how long have you been a lonely guy?
Is it that noticeable?
What is it that gave me away?
I know phony sweat when i smell it.
When you first came in, i thought you were larry bird.
Sorry, it was dumb.
It's just that i saw you sitting there, and i wanted to meet you.
No, that's not even true, either.
I just wanted to meet anybody.
I know. It can be rough.
Did you try a fern?
- Yeah. - A dog?
Yeah, but they don't seem to really help that mu...
how come you know so much about lonely guys?
- My husband marty was a lonely guy. - Oh, husband.
- My ex-husband. - Oh.
That's how we met. I fell for the phony jogging bit.
Never again. I learned to tell the difference between real and bottle sweat.
Here, smell mine.
[Sniffs] Oh, yeah!
Now, see, that's terrific. That's sweat!
[Laughs] Thank you.
[Sniffs] Oh, yeah, there's no comparison!
So, um, how long were you and marty married?
Oh, not long. I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer.
A dancer. Now this may sound silly,
but by any chance that dancer wasn't named daniele?
No, no. Raoul.
[Sniffs] Absolutely no comparison.
Well, i guess i'd better be going.
Hang in there. Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.
Hey, um, what's your name? Where do you live? Could i call you sometime?
I wrote it all down on the napkin.
I know what you're going through.
Wow, that's fantastic. What a great girl!
Well, that's $ . . You've got some yogurt on your face.
What a great girl.
I woke up early the next morning.
Too early to call her. I just couldn't get her out of my mind.
I couldn't wait 'til i got to know her.
I love the way your nose crinkles up when you smile.
Ugly? They are not. I love your freckles.
What's the best movie you ever saw in your whole life?
You're kidding! I don't believe it. Me too.
With or without walnuts?
I knew it! I knew it!
What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you?
Oh, my god! Really?
That's awful. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry.
There, there. Just cry right into my arms.
It's gonna be all right. Everything's all right.
I'm here. I'm never gonna leave you.
I couldn't wait any longer. I had to talk to her.
She had to be up by now. It was almost : .
" - ... "
" ... " damn it!
[Man on phone] Hello?
- Hello. Is there a lois living there? - Uh, lois? No.
- Uh, doris? - No.
- A bess or tess? - No. Who is this?
Please, sir, this is important. Can you just tell me,
is there a girl living there, mid 's, ' ", blonde,
beautiful face, great figure,
fresh skin, full lips...
and young, vibrant, alive?
[Man panting] No, no. But please, please don't stop.
- [Phone rings] - Hello?
- [Woman on phone] larry? - Yeah. Who's this?
- Daniele. - Daniele?
I want you back, larry.
Yeah, me and every other guy in new york. How's the rock group?
You're the only one that ever meant anything to me.
- [Chattering] - The only one.
- Oh, good-bye, Iggy. - Bye, babe.
Good-bye, fuzzy, zippy, zingo, starr.
Oh, Iggy, on your way out, could you take out the garbage?
What about mushy-mushy? Don't you miss it?
- No. - Yes, you do.
All right, so i miss it. Big deal.
- [Lggy closing door] bye, daniele. - I'm all alone in bed.
It would only take you five minutes to get here.
There'll never be anyone else for me but you.
Just you and me...
together forever and ever.
- Do you mean that, daniele? - [Phone beeps]
Hold on a sec. I got another call.
I knew she'd come back to me! I knew it!
[Daniele] Hello? Who's this?
Larry. Larry hubbard.
Oh, larry. Nice to hear from you.
Listen, i'm a little busy. Can you call me back some other time, okay?
[Man on radio] ... with a % chance of rain, clearing in the afternoon.
There were three suicides in manhattan late last night,
all characterized as lonely guys.
Two of the men were found dead in their west side apartments.
Both traveling salesmen, who came home from the road after two weeks...
and found that their large, beautiful fern plants were dead.
- Wow. - A third lonely guy,
who had a view just below the east river, opened his window and drowned.
There was no suicide note. Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.
- Talk about lonely. - And here's a bulletin:
The new york police department reports there's just been another suicide.
That of a lonely rock group. More details as we get them.
- Way to go, daniele. - And now, back to easy listening. It's kind of late...
[synthesized voice] Queen rook to king three.
[Clears throat] Hello. Hello?
Hey, warren, it's larry. Wanna do something tonight? Maybe go to dinner?
No, thanks, larry. I-i think maybe i'll just stay in tonight.
Relax, put on a fire. Maybe some other time.
- Sure. I understand. - Thanks for calling.
Capture of queen by rook.
Queen's rook to queen seven. Checkmate.
Thank you for a pleasant game.
You played very well, except for moves through
which you played like an asshole.
- Yes? - Hi. Do you have a table for dinner?
Certainly, sir. How many in your party?
- I'm alone. - Alone?
- [Nervous chuckle] - Follow me, sir.
This way, sir.
Would you care for a cocktail, sir?
Yes, i'd like a "todka and vonic. "
- A todka and vonic? - Yes.
[Laughs] Very good, sir.
Oh, and, captain?
- Could you turn out the spotlight, please? - Certainly.
And could everybody go back to talking?
This is the really hard part:
Sitting there trying to convince people you're eating alone on purpose.
But warren told me how to handle it.
Is it all right?
Oh, you can read my review next sunday.
- Hi. - Oh, it's you!
I wiped my mouth with the napkin you gave me.
I spent two solid days trying to decipher it.
I promised god if he let me find you again,
i would never ever wipe food off my face.
Oh, well, i figured that would happen.
Lonely guys always lose phone numbers.
- What is your name? - Iris.
Iris! Iris. Of course, iris.
Sit down. Let me get you something.
Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband, and we're leaving.
So that's marty?
- No, that's my ex-husband jeremy. - Different ex-husband?
Mm-hmm. Well, i have to go.
- Wait. Your number. - Oh, i wrote it down on the check.
The, uh, waiter will give it to you.
- I'll call you tomorrow. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Iris, iris, iris. Waiter!
- Here we are, sir. - Thank you.
No, no. Please, sir. With an eminent food critic such as yourself,
the pleasure is all ours.
- [Touch tones, ringing] - I phoned every iris in the new york area.
- [Woman] hello?
- Is this the iris who gave me her number last night?
- No, it's not. - Sorry.
I combed the entire neighborhood where i met her.
Night and day, day and night.
I got so desperate, i went up to my roof and called out her name.
Iris, where are you?
Marilyn! Marilyn, my love!
Where are you, barbara?
Lupe, i miss you! Where are you?
Erica! Erica, it's me!
- Iris, where are you? - Barbara!
- Erica! - Caroline!
- Lupe! - Iris!
When i was in high school, i went to a movie theater with a girl.
I was sitting there, and about minutes into the picture,
i slowly put my arm around her.
Slowly, slowly, i put it on her breast. She didn't say a word.
- Ohh. - And i thought, "this is great. "
I sat through the whole picture and didn't move. I just... right there.
Then when the lights came up, i realized it was on her purse.
- Ohhh. - It was still fun, though.
- Because you didn't know, yeah. - Yeah.
I thought it might help to see a psychiatrist.
You know, just to have someone to unload on,
someone compassionate and understanding.
Does dr. Zook live here?
- Second bell from the top. - Thank you.
[Bell buzzes, man answers] Yes?
Hi, dr. Zook. My name's hubbard. I have a : appointment.
Hubbard, yes. Nice to meet you.
- Thank you. - Talk into the box, please.
- What? - Talk into the box.
So, why did you decide to come and see me?
[Whispering] Well... i recently ended a relationship with this girl,
and i was feeling kind of... lonely and...
excuse me. Do you mind if i smoke?
- Uh, no. Go ahead. - Thank you.
You were saying you ended this relationship with this girl.
Well, i came home... see, i was living with a ballet dancer. Her name was daniele.
So when my father gave me a "c" in english, i didn't understand.
He told me it was because he had to treat me like all the other kids,
but i really thought he was being much tougher on me...
sorry, larry. That's all the time we have for today.
If you like, i can see you next thursday at : .
Yes, yes, i would. I think the talking has helped.
Good. Now, if you'll just deposit $ in my mail slot.
You know what gets me?
I go to get a haircut, they charge me like four bucks,
which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in.
But say a guy like michael landon goes into the shop.
They would charge him $ yet he's got times more hair than i do.
By rights, they should be charging michael landon like $ .
Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got.
They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.
Well, i don't even know if they've done that.
I mean, how does that look? See, that's what i'm saying.
Do you ever try swooping it over?
You know, some guys grow their hair real long and then swoop it over.
My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over.
Besides, i think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over,
you know he's doing it to cover up something.
Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.
You know, the guys that always keep their hair...
are the guys that have no use for it at all.
- Who's that? - Like bums.
You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.
- Why is that? - I think it's because they never wash it.
The only time you ever see you hair fall out...
is after you shower and you wash your hair.
You mean, if i'd never washed my hair, i'd have a full head of hair?
They could lose their hair. Maybe it just stays in.
If they ever wash it, they could be bald bums.
[Man on answering machine] Mr. Hubbard, the manuscript which you sent us...
is not the sort of thing this company is interested in doing.
Speedy fingers typing service. [Machine beeps]
Hi, larry, it's warren. I can't go to the movie with you tomorrow night...
because i decided to end it all.
My life just seems so empty and meaningless...
that i can't see any point in going on with it.
Hope you enjoy the movie. Good-bye.
I figured he'd be at the manhattan bridge.
It was a sort of "in" spot for suicidal lonely guys.
Check it out, man.
Block the door, man.
Iris! I lost your phone number!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'll see you there.
Man, you sure are some bad backward writer.
- [Man screaming] - Warren?
- Warren? - [Splash]
- Warren! - [Man screams] carol!
- Warren? - [Splash]
- [Screaming] - Warren? Warren?
- Warren! - Don't come any closer, larry.
Warren, come down from there. You have too much to live for.
Give me three things.
Not dying. Not dying is something to live for.
What's the difference? Nobody cares.
Warren, i'm your friend. I care what happens to you. You gotta believe that.
- You're great, larry. People say they're your friend... - [iris] larry?
- They come running down here... - stay there. I'll be right back.
Oh, iris! I'm so glad i found you.
Oh, come on. My best friend is gonna jump.
- Warren, please, come down. - Who's this?
This is iris, the girl i told you about. I found her again.
Aw, gosh, she is lovely. How are you?
- Fine. You? - Eh!
Warren, please don't do this. I need you.
You don't need me. You two have each other.
No, this'll never last. She's already had two husbands.
- Six. - Six?
- Six? - Six.
You can't have a stable relationship with a person like that.
It's nice of you both to lie, but i can see how you feel about each other.
Okay, but that doesn't mean i don't need you in my life too.
You want to know the place i'll have in your life?
You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home,
and i'll be your bachelor friend who you
feel you have to invite to your dinner party.
But iris has run out of single women to fix me up with,
so she wracks her brain and comes up with this widow...
who's years older than me, overweight with rotten teeth.
You know, it doesn't sound all that bad.
- [Laughs] - I like a full-figured woman.
Teeth you can always fix.
And what does age matter if you have a good personality?
- That's right. - Would you make a nice leg of lamb?
- Oh, yes. - Oh, i love lamb.
- Excuse me. Are you using this railing? - No.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- With mint sauce? - Of course.
- [Man screams] - Let's all go somewhere.
- No, you two go ahead. - I can't leave you after this.
- [Splash] - Hey, i've been up there plenty of times.
Why don't you come to dinner with us?
No, y-you go ahead. I'll catch a slice of pizza.
- I'll call you later. - Thanks, larry.
- Iris, how old are you? - Thirty.
- And you've had six husbands? - That's a lot, isn't it?
No, no, not really. When you think about it, it's just one every five years.
And jerry was an alcoholic.
And michael was a compulsive gambler.
And fred was a womanizer.
It seems i've ended up being hurt...
in every relationship i've ever had.
Iris, i guess no man knows for sure what he's capable of.
There might be circumstances in which i might lie or steal...
or, who knows, even kill.
But there's one thing i know in my heart i could never do.
As long as i live, i could never, never hurt you.
- Iris. Oh, gosh, i'm sorry. Are you all right? - Ohhh!
Oh, sit down. It's just a scalded lap.
I'm fine. Fine. Just... fine.
No. No, you're not.
What are you doing?
I want you to know that whatever feelings of pain you might have,
i want to share them with you.
Oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you.
You're welcome. [Sighs]
Well, gosh, it's almost : .
I guess you'd like me to take you home, wouldn't you?
Yes. To your home.
But first, i just have to go to the bathroom.
- Okay, i'll take care of the check. - I better not.
- Why not? - You might not be here when i get back.
Of course i'd be here. Why wouldn't i be here?
That's how milton left me.
- Are you still there? - I'm here, i swear.
- You're the first person who's ever done this for me. - It's nothing.
I'm crazy about you, larry.
I'm crazy about you too, iris.
We went back to my place and talked for two and a half hours about everything.
We found out we'd voted for exactly the same people in the last nine elections.
We sang camp songs to each other.
Then she got real romantic and said she wanted to get in bed with me.
I was headed for the greatest night of my life.
Except she wouldn't take off her clothes.
- Iris, please. - It's not going to work, larry.
- You're wrong for me. - Why?
Because you're so right for me.
You're the most wonderful man i've ever known.
If i let us get close, if i made that commitment,
and you hurt me like the others, i couldn't handle it.
- I would never hurt you. - I'm too terrified to take that chance.
I need someone...
who i don't care a damn about.
Someone mean and...
unfeeling and rotten.
I could be that. Give me a day or two to work on it.
Iris, look. I-i-i don't want to lose you!
I think you and i have something special.
I mean, sure, we have a few problems...
like not having sex, but we don't have to have sex.
There's plenty of other things we can do.
We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex.
It just wasn't meant to be, larry.
But there's one thing i want you to know.
Even though we didn't do it,
you're the best i ever had.
The best what?
[Iris' answering machine] I love you. I'll always love you.
But i've gone away. Good-bye, my dearest.
At the sound of the beep, please try and forget me.
Quarter to four. Maybe i'll take a nap.
I don't like to take naps. I don't like to wake up more than once a day.
When i first wake up, i get that shock of who i am.
And i really don't like to do that more than once a day.
Hubbard, i've been wanting to talk to you...
about some of the greetings you've been working on.
"Hi there, grandpa, happy birthday to you.
"And if you live 'til next year,
happy birthday then too. "
I've been a little preoccupied lately.
"Will you be my valentine? Think about it a bit.
"If you will, that's okay.
If not, who gives a shit?"
Mr. Hubbard is fired.
One good thing about being fired,
it gave me time to work on my novel.
But that wasn't going so great either.
"Soon the primal fire began to burn in lady hookstraten's body.
"Her hips twitched and trembled as each...
"fireball from oliver's powerful cannon...
"erupted like molten lava...
"into the quivering mouth...
of her ever-fluttering love purse. "
What do i know about oliver cromwell?
What do i know about love?
All i know about is lonely.
How to eat alone.
How to live alone.
That's all i know.
A Guide for the Lonely Guy
Damn, the wind.
My book became an instant best-seller. Lonely guys came out of the woodwork to get it.
There were more of us out there than i thought.
[Man] Mr. Hubbard, where did you get the idea...
of writing a book about lonely guys?
I realized that everybody's a lonely guy at one time or another.
You can be married and be a lonely guy.
You can be quarterback of the football team and be a lonely guy.
Mr. Hubbard, i want to thank you. You've given hope to all of us.
Hi. Could you just put "to jimmy"?
Funny how a little thing like writing a number one best-seller can change a guy's life.
[Beeping] Hey, larry, you're hot.
Griffin wants you on the west coast as soon as he can get you.
And on the east coast, letterman wants you.
Hey, we got a call from playboy.
They want you to pose with the bunny of the month.
- Ha, ha! She thinks you're terrific. - Woof! Woof!
You're her favorite writer. And, hey, what a looker!
"It looks like blonde bombshell loni anderson...
"has turned larry hubbard into america's unloneliest lonely guy.
"It seems they haven't left larry's west side apartment in two weeks,
and whatever they're doing there, we bet they're not collaborating on a new book. "
Where do they get this trash?
[Merv] i wonder if the european feelings are as strong as the americans?
[Woman with european accent] Vell, shpeaking for myself,
i know that the vealth or fame or social position...
have absolutely nothink to do vith whether or not i'm attracted to a man.
Ziss is true. You should see some of the trash she goes out vith.
It's true. I've found that i've been able to date women...
who wouldn't have given me a second look before my book became a success.
But don't you see, larry? Success changes a man.
It makes him confident, poised, self-assured.
And it's these new qualities in the man himself...
that account for his newfound appeal.
I guess that's what it is, then.
Everybody loves my baby
but my baby don't luff nobody but me
nobody but me
aw, gosh. I hate to interrupt.
It's all been so incredibly fascinating...
and entertaining and instructive.
Really, the time has just flown by.
The lovely schneider twins. Anita and shotze.
Ex-lonely guy larry hubbard.
And dr. Joyce brothers. I can't thank you enough for being here.
You've made it a very special night for me.
And i hope we can all get together and do it again.
Thank you. Good night.
Everybody loves my baby
[merv] Gosh, i hate to interrupt.
This has been all so incredibly fascinating...
and entertaining and instructive.
Really, the time has just flown by.
I can't thank you all enough for being here.
You've made it a very special evening for me, and i hope we can all get together...
oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you.
I wrote it all down on the napkin.
I know what you're going through.
- Hi. - Oh, it's you! My god, it's you!
I'm crazy about you, larry.
You made me love you
you woke me up to do it
- excuse me. ... hasn't been around the literary scene for years.
I've been staring at you all night.
The difference between an agent and a manager is with a manager you have to meet his family.
Great party, larry.
- It's fun, isn't it? - It really is.
- [Doorbell ringing] - [Larry] excuse me.
You look great. Come on in.
No, you're busy. I'll come back another time.
No, i missed you.
Oh, i missed you.
I saw you on the merv griffin show.
I tried to stay away, but i couldn't.
I wanted you so much.
- Daniele. - Larry.
- Daniele. - Larry?
Oh, iris, daniele. Daniele, iris.
- Larry. - Daniele?
- Lar-ry? - Iris!
- Larry! - Daniele!
- Larry! - Iris!
- Daniele. - Iris.
The incinerator's down the steps.
- Iris? - Larry!
I'm so glad you sent everyone home.
- Me too. - I didn't think you'd remember.
It feels so good next to your body.
Your feet are so warm.
- Can i take my socks off now? - Please.
Sure. I just didn't know if you wanted to go all the way.
Mmm. Oh, iris.
I don't believe it.
I didn't believe something like this was possible.
Oh, my god, iris.
Have you started yet, larry?
Of course i've started. What did you think "oh, my god, iris," was all about?
I know that sounds crazy with six husbands,
but, you see, i've never had a... you-know-what.
- You mean an orgasm? - I didn't want to talk dirty.
None of 'em ever seemed to care if i had 'em or not.
I care. Look, um, i'll let you know.
Whenever you have one,
i'll let you know about it.
Oh, you are so sweet, larry. I appreciate that.
I think it's the man's responsibility to... oop! There goes one.
- You just had one. - I did?
- Didn't you feel it? - In what part of the body?
I can't blurt out in what part of the body.
There goes another one!
- They're happening so quickly. - You have to be ready for them.
Sometimes they go by when you're just talking or clearing your throat.
You are so experienced, larry.
I never realized a lonely guy could be so experienced.
Well, this isn't the first time that... there goes another one!
I think i felt that one. It felt like a tiny little hiccup.
I think that was a hiccup.
Maybe they're coming from your side of the bed.
Let's change sides. I don't want to miss any more.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe.
- Whoa! - What?
- I missed another one? - Just the biggest one so far.
- My god! - Excuse me.
- [Sneezing] - Oh!
Oh! Oh, larry.
- I think i felt one. - You did?
Uh-huh. Right when you sneezed.
- Oh. Gesundheit. - Thank...
- [sneezing] - Oh! Oh!
- Oh, i felt it again. Twice. - You did?
Yes. It was wonderful.
Do you think you could... sneeze again?
I don't know. I'll try. Aaah-choo!
Oh! Oh, yes.
- Aaah-choo! - Aaah-choo!
Oh, i never dreamed it could be like this. Oh, gesundheit.
- Aaah... aaah... - aaah... aaah...
- aaah... aaah... - aaah... aaah...
- aaaah! Aaaah! Choo! - Aaaah! Aaaah!
Ooooh! Oh, you're magnificent.
- Oh, gesundheit. - Aaachoo, aaachoo, aaachoo!
No, larry, no more.
Stop, or i'll go mad with pleasure.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Iris, i love you. - I love you too, larry.
Why are you crying?
Because it's so hopeless.
But everything was so good.
Exactly. I was afraid of getting involved with you because...
i couldn't face the possibility of losing you.
How do you think i feel now that i found out...
you're not only a great guy, but that...
you're the best goddamn lover in the world?
Iris, look. You're just upset.
Let me take you home. You'll get a good night's sleep.
- We'll talk about it in the morning, okay? - No, i'll get a cab.
There's no point in calling me in the morning.
I won't be there.
Well, that did it. I knew i had to get out of town for a while.
So i booked myself on one of those cruises.
I figured it might give me a chance to get away from everyone i knew.
Of course, in the first three hours, i met my accountant,
my plumber, my postman; even jack was there.
He'd just broken up with verna and frieda.
I guess he was looking for more girls to add to his collection.
He waved me over, but i just wasn't interested in meeting other women.
I just couldn't get my mind off iris.
Excuse me, sir. Are you mr. Larry hubbard?
Yes, i am.
This dog came aboard just before we sailed. Your name was on his collar.
Hey, good boy. What a good dog.
And this note is for you, sir.
It's from a young lady.
[Iris] Dear larry, just heard we're on the same ship.
I'll be at the masquerade ball tomorrow night.
I hope we'll run into each other.
I think we should talk. Iris.
She's here. Yahoo!
Oh, sorry, fella!
- Hello, iris. - Hello, larry.
Larry, i want to apologize for the way i behaved.
I was wrong.
You don't have to apologize as long as we're together.
No, larry. I was wrong to let it go as far as it did.
I knew from the beginning it would never work.
I love you too much.
Iris, do you think you're the only one who's afraid of falling in love?
Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt? Do you think i'm not?
I'm terrified. But you've got to be willing...
to feel a little pain or you'll never feel any joy.
- Hi, larry. - Hi, jack.
You kept coming back to me for the joy, not the pain.
- Hey, hey, aren't you going to introduce me? - Jack, iris.
- Hi. - I'm not saying i'll be the only guy for you.
You might meet somebody you like better.
Looks like we were meant for each other.
Hey, hey, don't the girls look terrific tonight?
The seven deadly sins! Whoa! What a clever idea!
- Girls. What girls? - The girls! Your girls, jack.
- Inga, helga, olga! - I guess my eyesight is failing.
'Cause as far as i can see there's only one woman in this whole room.
I'm in the mood for love
simply because you're near me
funny but when you're near me
i'm in the mood for love
How you doing, guys? Thirsty?
There you go.
The guy's . Drops dead.
- Heart attack? - Natural causes.
I think i'm getting that.
Here you go. That's a good guy.
- What did you have for lunch? - Tuna.
- Toast? White? - Rye.
- Good? - Yeah.
- Sounds good. - Yeah, it was.
Here's a guy, . Brick fell on his head.
Hey, i want you to see this new cassette i got.
- I can't stay much longer. - Just watch this.
Oh, nice. Very nice.
- We don't have to watch the whole thing. - Does something happen?
Whoa! Jack is marrying iris!
Yeah, i know. : today.
Hard to imagine any woman falling in love with jack.
She doesn't love jack. She loves me.
That's why she's marrying him.
I'd better get going. I'm defrosting my refrigerator.
That water's going to get all over the floor.
I'll watch that fish staring another time.
I'll give you a call later. Maybe we'll do something.
I'm kind of tired. I think i'll stay in tonight.
Yeah. Me too.
- Yeah. - Well, take care.
- Okay. I'll see you. - Yeah.
- So long. - So long.
Back! Sides and front! And other side! And three!
What makes a balloon go up?
Right this way, officer.
- When did you find him? - This morning.
- Wife? Kids? - No.
- No. - Close friends?
No friends, no wife, no children.
Just ferns, a dog, cardboard cutouts, tv.
Well-behaved, quiet, perfect tenant.
Been there for five days. Nobody even noticed.
I'll take care of it.
Wish i had more tenants like him.
I don't believe what people are throwing away today.
First lutheran church in queens. As soon as possible.
- What's the matter?
- First time ever. A traffic jam in new york.
- How long is it between trains? - About minutes.
- That's too long. - Write a letter.
Pull over, mac!
You can't pull out like that, mister. Now pull over.
- Look, i've gotta... - pull over!
Look, officer, if i don't get to st street in four and a half minutes,
the only girl i ever loved is gonna marry somebody else.
Well, i was in love once. You're gonna need an escort. Follow me!
Let's go, mac. Come on!
Everything is gonna be all right.
To love, honor and cherish...
in sickness and in health...
- as long as you both shall live? - No, wait, don't do this!
I know you think this is the easy way out,
the safe thing to do.
But didn't you just hear those words?
To love, honor and cherish.
You don't love this man. You don't honor him. You don't cherish him.
You know you were meant for something better.
Listen to your heart. This man is not for you. Don't go through with this.
- He's right. - What? Alison, who is that guy?
- Is this the first lutheran? - No, third methodist.
Isn't it romantic?
Having our honeymoon on the same ship where we met?
I said: Isn't it romantic
merely to be young
on such a night as this
isn't it romantic
every note that's sung is like a lover's kiss
i'm going to wash, my dear.
I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable too?
Like the sheets?
Could you sneeze again?
Uh, what's your name? Where do you live? Could i call you sometime?
Whatever feelings of pain you might have, i want to share them with you.
You think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt? You think i'm not?
You've got to be willing to feel a little pain, or you'll never feel any joy.
It changes, larry.
It's not always gonna be like this. It really does change.
It may not feel like it, but things change.
Sure. What about you, warren?
- Has it changed for you? - Yes.
- It has? - Yes.
I've met someone.
- You have? - We're very happy.
Aw, that's really great, warren.
Oh, god, why can't i be happy like warren?
Oh, iris. We were so close!
I could have made you happy, i know it.
If only fate could have played a helping hand.
- Iris! - Larry, what luck!
Why were you jumping?
I was unhappy from the moment i said, "i do. "
Oh, larry, i love you. I finally realized i can't live without you.
Oh, iris, i love you so much.
Oh, my god. That was a blast.
Oh. Hi, warren.
- It's really a great night, isn't it? - I just want to go home.
- Warren said he met somebody. - That's great, warren.
- Who is she? - I told her to meet me here.
- Warren! - Here she is now.
Over here, honey.
Sometimes, when two people meet, it's really the human will quietly,
subconsciously engineering its own destiny.
She's great, isn't she?
Hey, look at the four of us.
I can't think of a more perfect ending than this.
Hey, look at this guy! Come here!
There's one lonely girl
nothin' to do
and there's one lonely guy
all by himself
at a table for two
and it's sad
'cause one lonely guy
might change the world
for one lonely girl
and life would be so sweet
if only she could meet
one lonely guy
one lonely guy
in a world like today
so many times
even lovers are strangers
but look away
keeping their hearts
far out of danger
and it's sad
because one lonely guy
might change the world
for one lonely girl
would be complete
if only she could meet
one lonely guy
one lonely guy
in a world with so many people
we long so desperately
don't it make you wonder why
there's a lonely guy
- one lonely - don't pass by
one lonely guy